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If only the drinks were free, if only the movie was over, if only work was optional, if only music was listened to and not heard, if only the ocean called my name, if only the leaves kept changing color, if only I knew the answer, if only the museum had a campground, if only all the televisions imploded simultaneously, I am hearing only, if only we all smiled for no good reason, if only a war slowed us down, if only a symphony of backhoes performed Bartok', if only we starved, a portion, if only you knew, if only this thirst was quenched, if only the satellites could speak in tongues, if only advertising announced its retirement, if only the scrawny kid hit a home run, of what you're saying, if only the children could shape their own destiny, if only I was pregnant, because I am beneath you, if only the directions were more clear, if only love was under lock and key, if only I was not me, if only the rivers flowed upstream, hiding inside the box spring, if only I was as good as I thought I was, if only the signs were clearer, like diminutive instructions. If only machismo was for eunuchs, if only your promises weren't covered in poison ivy, if only the paint matched my pants. Every acrylic breath, if only the tank was always full, if only the sky showed it's true color, if only you fit in my back pocket, if only confidence was currency, of yours, if only mistakes could be loaned to strangers, if only the moon was in my backyard, if only the weather took requests, squeezes oxygen, if only the inevitable was held hostage by the obvious, if only there was room for all of us, if only lichen could grow on stiller bodies, if only you could see what I see, out of my chest. If only you could hear what I hear, if only I finished, if only I forgave, if only I had told you earlier. There is little room, if only we knew what it was like to starve, if only the truth had a volume knob, if only exhaustion was a badge of honor, if only I treated things with more respect, when we, if only he lived next door, are like this, if only you forgave like a bungee cord, if only you remembered like cooling glass, if only it was all on the table, if only the illusion became either fantastical or transparent, you-starved of precious air, if only that choice made little difference, above, if only your fear tasted like jasmine, if only the benefit was the doubt, and me with too much, if only plastic grew like ragweed, warm flannel space between us-below. If only my friends lived nearby-or even closer than that, if only dinner was ready, if only cotton was hydrophobic, if only personal space was a legally binding issue, if only we wrote more letters, if only we knew beforehand, if only for love. When we are wrestling sleep into the sheets patterns, if only the house was paid for, if only she paid me a compliment, if only I was important, if only the lines were more clearly defined, if only the ants made all critical decisions, sightlessness through cavernous mornings, if only we lived up to our potential, if only I left a note, if only I had told you, if only the obvious-was, strength into silence. If only we ran to help one another-instead of running 4 minute miles, if only we lifted oppression as high as we do our bodies over Olympic bars, if only we dreamt of our boring lives and lived the phantasmagorical ones we dreamed of. We are lying. If only we filled our quotas, if only Lilliput let go. Lying both inside, if only our fingers could see all the other hands that had been shook, if only a handshake meant a tiny thing, if only it broke earlier, if only our relationship was open all night long, and on top of the past, if only priorities took precedence over pressure, if only we had better hiding spots, like a papier-mache hammock. If only triumph need not a victor, if only betrayal requested itself, if only the squeaky wheel would just get replaced, if only I said "I'm alone-but not lonely"-and you understood without further explanation, if only the rent was paid on time, if only we stopped talking about it, if only my better half divorced itself and setup shop elsewhere, if only purpose was less aloof, if only bread was made available, if only those tears were for you, if only virtue had patience, if only we were better prepared, if only we thought it through, if only the uncomfortable moments could be addressed much later, if only the lights went out, if only we knew where we were, if only the Jews had killed themselves, if only satisfaction wasn't delivered to Germany, Reminisce with this in mind, if only the flowers were delivered at the moment they were needed, if only we had danced one more time, if only separation wasn't adhesive, and a side order of hand grenades in hand, if only we needn't replace a thing, if only our lives knew more than we did, if only our experiences hadn't formed a council and not invited us, if only I could juggle, if only I rewound the tape before returning, if only we could rewind, if only we could unwind, if only sleep was on its way, if only the phone wasn't so convenient, if only help was on the way, if only the alphabet wasn't so awkward, Will what is-away, if only we were forced to view the sunrise and sunset each day, if only forgiveness was mandatory, fold it up like cheap lawn furniture. If only I'm sorry were grounds for execution, if only wolverines guarded innocence, if only malcontent had halitosis whispers. Because though it did not seem so, if only presentiment was wearing her father's glasses, if only every dollar bill went where it was most needed, it was all rusting, if only the chances were better than, if only what was needed was known, before it got to us, if only cause affected because, before it made it to the warehouse, if only honesty was average, rusting before it was manufactured. If only we knew our way back, if only the maps were weatherproof, if only the children knew what they were in for, if only the knives stayed in the kitchen, if only the we had those three wishes, if only explanations were flown in via helicopters over active volcanoes, if only I had a penchant for cleanliness, if only you beat me to the punch, I am growing into this box spring, if only the response was so effective that everyone did something as wonderful, like ivy around black rod irons. If only the vibrations were visible. The coils will soon grow into my elbows, knees and shoulders, If only the hospital were closer, if only it would cauterize, if only I'd looked away, if only the fire was stoked, if only you knew I was coming, if only I knew I was as close as I was, but I will find a way, if only the ember was starved of oxygen, if only making up meant switching roles, if only slowing down left no room for errors, if only I could right the wrongs, to set you free, if only hatred wasn't necessary, up there. If only we'd parked closer, if only I hadn't read your diary, if only you hadn't read my lips, if only we were better liars, if only talent could be purchased, if only Jonah had stayed in the whale's belly, if only his children were born there, if only Ezekiel's visions were blank, if only the righteous had mouths full of canker sores, if only the music could always play in the background, if only we listened twice as much as we spoke, if only a perfect model was available, if only the facsimiles were more accurate, if only we had made reservations, if only the hallways were leading somewhere, if only smokers weren't allowed, if only the proof was in the pudding. Reach down deep, if only we were binary creatures, for me, if only guilt was an artifact inside a glass case, if only sirens were for celebrations, but know that if you move the wrong way I will be crushed.




if only