July 2004: Crying Day, Horseshoe Crabs Edition
HELLO again, whoever you are. Lots of cool stuff this time around, including a great new story at Barrelhouse online, horseshoe crabs coming out one man's butt, and insight into the Barrelhouse Business Model. Enjoy.
NEW AT BARRELHOUSE:
I could try to explain Darby Larson's fantastic new story, "Oxen Cry," but the description comes out sounding kind of stupid, a little bit obvious, and generally less than graceful. That is to say, all of the things Darby's story is not.
Here's the beginning: "The strange thing about the world Ox lived in was that every year on a particular day, everyone would cry for an unpredictable length of time, for an unpredictable reason. Scientists couldn't explain it. It was deemed Crying Day."
Read Oxen Cry:
ALSO KIND OF NEW:
Aaron Pease gets all medieval on Brad Pitt's Troy in "Take It, Immortality, It's Yours, Dude."
UNDERPANTS GNOMES AND BARRELHOUSE:
At our last very official meeting, we realized the Barrelhouse Business Model, such as it is, eerily resembles that of the "Underpants Gnomes" from South Park.
For you slackers who don't watch South Park enough, Underpants Gnomes are a community of underground gnomes who collect underpants (typically from the character Tweek). The Underpants Gnomes have a three-step business plan, consisting of the following:
1. Collect underpants
For comparison, we present the Barrelhouse Business Model:
1. Create independent literary journal
3. Profit! Retire to Miami! Lounge! Drink! Sleep! Start own record label! Buy professional sports team! Stop that whole Clay Aiken thing! Finally get those six pack abs! Have Krispy Kreme unit installed in kitchen! Fly around world in giant balloon, just because all other wildly rich, crazy bastards seem to! Launch All Seinfeld television network! Date and Marry Ashley Judd! Make mo money, get mo problems! Profit! profit!
THE FREE STORY:
Crab Creek Review is one of our favorite litmags, and it looks like they're back after a long winter's nap. Bill Teitelbaum wrote "Sea Change," which appears on the Crab Creek Website. In this story, a man shits horseshoe crabs, among other things. I know what you're thinking: Well hell, I could write a story where a man shits horseshoe crabs, among other things, and then maybe everybody would pay attention to me, too. Thing is, this man shitting horseshoe crabs story manages to be funny and sad and a little existential. In a good way.
Check it out:
"Does that make sense, or am I just using words the way monkeys use feces -- throwing them around until something sticks?"
-- Aaron Pease, Barrelhouse
David Firth's "Salad Fingers" is an animated story about a green creature for whom "the feeling of rust against my salad fingers is almost orgasmic." Worth your time just to hear the faux English accented creature say "Hello there, young child, I'm here to inquire about your spooooons…" This link will take you to episode one (note: you'll need Flash to view the story):
SPREAD THE WORD:
Are you really telling your friends? Come on, man, what the hell are we supposed to do with all these underpants we're collecting?
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