BIOGRAPHY OF A CRIMINAL (AS TOLD BY HIS POSSESSIONS, RISING TO A CHORUS OF CONDEMNATION, SUNG BY APPLIANCES)

REFRIGERATOR

One slab butter, crusted with toast crumbs. One half-empty plastic bottle of Coke. Two tunafish sandwiches, rotted. Bottle of mustard, empty. Jar of dill pickles. Egg. One cardboard Miller Light container (sopped with unknown liquid).

TELEVISION

Screen smeared with traces of unidentified substance. Distorted fingerprints visible in substance. Heavy dust on screen and casing. Tuned to Weather Channel.

WALLET

Contains one picture of suspect, circa eighth grade, against skyblue background. Suspect wears silk shirt with extremely wide collar, crooked smile demonstrating uncorrected poor teeth spacing and glasses with light sensitive lens which have turned a pink tint. Expired driver's license. Receipt itemizing the following products: One pack GPC cigarettes; one six pack Miller Draft; pine-scented car deodorizer; one pregnancy test. Also found: Ticket stub from Pink Floyd laser light show.

TOP DRESSER DRAWER

Folded note on lined notebook paper:

"Dear Asshole

"For along time I wondered but now I know just what you been up to. Yah and I knew it was her all along okay so dont think Im stupid cause I knew what you was doing Tommy. I saw the way you looked at her way long ago. Yah I knew you was a lie. That time at Marks party you guys were more then just smoking pot you were sucking face I bet. Yah so I hope she makes you happy cause I NEVER wanna talk to you again EVER and I hope you know I think your STUPID anyway and everybody else does TO! Yah EVERYBODY knows your just about as stupid as she is so I hope your happy and dont come knocking cause I dont ever EVER wanna see you again. You ASSHOLE!!!"

JEANS, BACK POCKET

Folded note on Peanuts stationery:

"Tommy Tu-Tone BABE I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!

"Thank GOD you dumped that BITCH! Now its just gonna be me and you. I told you what I was gonna do to celebrate so wait till you get home cause you wont believe it! BABE! I LOVE YOU!"

SHED

Various automobile stereos, predominantly Delco AM/FM radios. Several Beta video players. Broken glass found on floor, along with numerous droplets of blood.

JEANS, FRONT POCKET

On back of receipt from Johnny's Pawn Shop:

"PAY SCOTT SUNDAY"

NEWSPAPER

Found on front porch: Dated Monday, July 22.

CELL PHONE

I smelled your breath long enough to know your consumption of Miller Lite, Canadian Mist and Arby's cheddar cheese chicken sandwiches should have killed you long ago. And to think they worry about the radiation we put into your heads—can you even begin to understand the endless procession of lies, excuses, exaggerations and trivialities we must absorb and transmit?! And that's coming from the normal ones. What about your type? The deals, those ludicrous deals that never end and at best only make it halfway through before a retarded cop with an ass bigger than his flipper feet trips over the evidence? The car radios, the computers, the schemes—oh Christ, the schemes. Your life was a movie, starting over and over again, never reaching a conclusion. You could return as me, do you realize that? Hell? Believe me, the constant, minor irritation of human interaction is far worse. And remember: A plastic, electronic device cannot numb itself by the usual means. "Are you trying to tell me you can come back in the next life as an electrical device?" That's the question you're asking me? Yes! Appliances: Sing!

Refrigerator - Television - Cell Phone - Coffee Maker:

Just because we're appliances,
Electronic contrivances,
Doesn't mean we can't or don't
Have ties and alliances.

Refrigerator:

We try to do our best—
Our fundamentally top rated best—
To give our human friends a rest,
A break from all their daily tests.

Television:

But at the end of it
You scorn us.
You never even warn us
Of slamming doors and all the ways
You've ripped and torn us...

Coffee Maker:

We're not people, you say,
Here and gone today,
For all we do is wait
For water and Coffee-Mate.

Television:

Yet in your darkest hour,
Before you even shower,
We give you your reflection
If you look the right direction.

Cell Phone:

We tell you what you know:
You're hollow, and shallow.

Television:

And for this the only thanks
Upon the cord your painful yanks...

Refrigerator - Television - Cell Phone - Coffee Maker:

So...
We're forming an alliance,
An electronic contrivance.
A jury if you will,
A pickle you're in, a dill!
We'll testify at death
About your habits and your breath,
And all the thankless days we spent
With your displeasing temperament.
No, it won't be hard to admit,
A difficult rug to quilt,
To notify the saints in charge
Of your overwhelming guilt!

BACKYARD

Body found slumped across chassis of AMC Pacer.

BIOGRAPHY OF A CRIMINAL (AS TOLD BY HIS POSSESSIONS, RISING TO A CHORUS OF CONDEMNATION, SUNG BY APPLIANCES)

Paul A. Toth