BIOGRAPHY OF A CRIMINAL (AS TOLD BY HIS POSSESSIONS, RISING TO A CHORUS
OF CONDEMNATION, SUNG BY APPLIANCES)
One slab butter, crusted with toast crumbs. One
half-empty plastic bottle of Coke. Two tunafish sandwiches, rotted.
Bottle of mustard, empty. Jar of dill pickles. Egg. One cardboard Miller
Light container (sopped with unknown liquid).
Screen smeared with traces of unidentified substance.
Distorted fingerprints visible in substance. Heavy dust on screen and
casing. Tuned to Weather Channel.
Contains one picture of suspect, circa eighth
grade, against skyblue background. Suspect wears silk shirt with extremely
wide collar, crooked smile demonstrating uncorrected poor teeth spacing
and glasses with light sensitive lens which have turned a pink tint.
Expired driver's license. Receipt itemizing the following products:
One pack GPC cigarettes; one six pack Miller Draft; pine-scented car
deodorizer; one pregnancy test. Also found: Ticket stub from Pink Floyd
laser light show.
TOP DRESSER DRAWER
Folded note on lined notebook paper:
"For along time I wondered but now I know
just what you been up to. Yah and I knew it was her all along okay
so dont think Im stupid cause I knew what you was doing Tommy. I saw
the way you looked at her way long ago. Yah I knew you was a lie.
That time at Marks party you guys were more then just smoking pot
you were sucking face I bet. Yah so I hope she makes you happy cause
I NEVER wanna talk to you again EVER and I hope you know I think your
STUPID anyway and everybody else does TO! Yah EVERYBODY knows your
just about as stupid as she is so I hope your happy and dont come
knocking cause I dont ever EVER wanna see you again. You ASSHOLE!!!"
JEANS, BACK POCKET
Folded note on Peanuts stationery:
"Tommy Tu-Tone BABE I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!
"Thank GOD you dumped that BITCH! Now
its just gonna be me and you. I told you what I was gonna do to celebrate
so wait till you get home cause you wont believe it! BABE! I LOVE
Various automobile stereos, predominantly Delco
AM/FM radios. Several Beta video players. Broken glass found on floor,
along with numerous droplets of blood.
JEANS, FRONT POCKET
On back of receipt from Johnny's Pawn Shop:
"PAY SCOTT SUNDAY"
Found on front porch: Dated Monday, July 22.
I smelled your breath long enough to know your
consumption of Miller Lite, Canadian Mist and Arby's cheddar cheese
chicken sandwiches should have killed you long ago. And to think they
worry about the radiation we put into your headscan you even begin
to understand the endless procession of lies, excuses, exaggerations
and trivialities we must absorb and transmit?! And that's coming from
the normal ones. What about your type? The deals, those ludicrous deals
that never end and at best only make it halfway through before a retarded
cop with an ass bigger than his flipper feet trips over the evidence?
The car radios, the computers, the schemesoh Christ, the schemes.
Your life was a movie, starting over and over again, never reaching
a conclusion. You could return as me, do you realize that? Hell? Believe
me, the constant, minor irritation of human interaction is far worse.
And remember: A plastic, electronic device cannot numb itself by the
usual means. "Are you trying to tell me you can come back in the
next life as an electrical device?" That's the question you're
asking me? Yes! Appliances: Sing!
Refrigerator - Television - Cell Phone - Coffee
Just because we're appliances,
Doesn't mean we can't or don't
Have ties and alliances.
We try to do our best
Our fundamentally top rated best
To give our human friends a rest,
A break from all their daily tests.
But at the end of it
You scorn us.
You never even warn us
Of slamming doors and all the ways
You've ripped and torn us...
We're not people, you say,
Here and gone today,
For all we do is wait
For water and Coffee-Mate.
Yet in your darkest hour,
Before you even shower,
We give you your reflection
If you look the right direction.
We tell you what you know:
You're hollow, and shallow.
And for this the only thanks
Upon the cord your painful yanks...
Refrigerator - Television - Cell Phone - Coffee
We're forming an alliance,
An electronic contrivance.
A jury if you will,
A pickle you're in, a dill!
We'll testify at death
About your habits and your breath,
And all the thankless days we spent
With your displeasing temperament.
No, it won't be hard to admit,
A difficult rug to quilt,
To notify the saints in charge
Of your overwhelming guilt!
Body found slumped across chassis of AMC Pacer.
BIOGRAPHY OF A CRIMINAL (AS TOLD BY HIS POSSESSIONS,
RISING TO A CHORUS OF CONDEMNATION, SUNG BY APPLIANCES)
Paul A. Toth
To estimate your life expectancy, take a look at the history of your
cars. If engine blocks tend to crack at 60,000 miles, you're playing
rock star, my friend. From 70,000 to 80,000 miles suggests a slow motion
demise with failed stays at various rehabilitation centers. If your
vehicles wheeze and cough to the 100,000 mile mark, you're headed for
heart failure somewhere between the ages of 50 to 60. You'll need an
average of 110,000 for a good shot at 70, 120,000 for 80, and 130,000
for 90. To this end, we should rejoice our appliances can't reveal the
way we pick them up at Target (the singles bar for appliances), then
dump them the first time some sweet new thing comes along. It's a good
thing they can't talk...or sing.