by Katherine Grosjean
Hi. My name is
Yeah, hi. Um, like I said, I'm Tom and
I de-power my wife's vagina.
I guess I've been de-powering vaginas
all my life. Or at least since I was old enough to
know where to find them.
sympathetic murmurs, careful low
I was like most of the other guys I
hung out with, you know? I mean, a vagina was just
a hole, right? We didn't know it was an organ, or
a spiritual centre, Christ we were kids! We learned
from each other, man to man. Right or wrong, that's
how it was done. I didn't even know I was de-powering
vaginas. Not until my wife read The Vagina Monologues
by that dyke, er, I mean, lesbian writer Eve Ensler.
That's the book that changed my wife's life. And then
Yeah, like I had a choice. Ha. So I
guess it's all about women and their vaginas, and
how vaginas are thought of as dirty things, or how
vaginas have been hurt by guys, or how the words for
them and ideas about them have been twisted around
and used against the ladies.
Shit. I know I'm forgetting something.
blows penitent kiss to back of room
Anyhoo, this book teaches our wives
how to change all that crap that's been happening
to vaginas. Gets them to say the words, loud, over
and over and over again. And not just "vagina"
either. No! There's a whole freaking chapter on other
names for it. My wife read it out loud to me and I
just about pissed myself laughing! I mean, some of
them were too hilarious! Coochi scorcher, for chrissakes?
I thought this Ensler chick was making them up. But
no, these ladies have more names for vagina than Hustler!
Um, okay. Like none of you guys out
there in De-Powered Land ever picked up a copy of
Didn't know I was joining a pussy parade,
for chrissakes. Anyhoo, like I was saying, there's
lots and lots of words for vagina and it looks like
they've all been used wrong. Made into bad words.
And the ladies are trying to change that. My wife
uses "cunt" as her mantra for meditation.
That's new too. The meditation, I mean. She has this
meditation/yoga instructor come over to our house
three times a week for private lessons. And I gotta
tell ya, guys, she is HOT! Whoa! I could watch her
and my wife twist themselves into pretzels all night.
Can't wait till they get to the knees-behind-the-ears
pose, if you catch my drift.
Where was I? Oh, yeah. My wife is trying
to teach me that there is nothing wrong with the word
"vagina". Or "cunt". She wants
me to say it as much as possible, wants it to become
part of our everyday conversation, like "rain",
or "dinner" or "kitty litter".
Seriously, she's been keeping tabs. So, I drop them
as much as possible. Like when we make love, which
is a LOT more often now guys, I talk to her about
her cunt, ask her what it wants, if it feels good,
if it's hungry. Turns her on like nothing else! Ha,
look at her back there. She's blushing! Honey, don't
you worry. When we get home, I'm gonna pay extra special
attention to that cunt of yours. Yes, indeedy. 'Cos
you've got the tightest, pinkest, little cunt this
side of Texas. No shit. I could eat you all night,
even though you gave up douching and shaving after
you read that fucking book.
wife exits, stage left
What? What did I do? Hey, where are
you going? I thought you wanted me to say "cunt".
Are you changing the rules on me NOW? HERE? What the
fuck is wrong with you? HEY, are you listening to
me, you fucking CUNT! There! I said it again, Honey!
Happy? CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT CU
sound system... de-powered