Electoral Reloaded

By Ryan Stayton

    "We the people of these United States hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” Or so sayeth our Bill of Rights. The beauty of the government created by our founding fathers was that it was created by the people, for the people. The people were granted the power of choosing their leaders via democratic elections. They voted for the candidate best representing their interests in this democracy where all men are created equal. But for some reason, despite all men having been created equal, all men’s votes were not created equal, or should I say weighted equally? Even ignoring the fact that women and slaves were not given suffrage for more than a century, Horatio’s vote in New Hampshire was never equal to Shepherd’s vote in Vermont. So why not fix this discrepancy? All men are created equal and all men make mistakes, so why not right this wrong of our founding fathers? I propose the following method for determining the number of electoral votes allocated to each state for each candidate:

    First things first, we have to get one thing straight: we’re clearly not the same chunk of land we were in 1776. To highlight our recognition of these changing times, we might as well rename the country. So without further ado, I pledge allegiance to the flag of The United Entities of Thismerica. “Entities” because whereas thirteen little colonies were probably pretty damn easy to keep in line way back when, fifty’s a whole new world. Does anyone in Washington actually have any clue what the hell’s going on way over in Alaska? “It’s cold,” I’ll bet they’d say if asked. Sure minorities talk about being underrepresented in government, but when’s the last time you saw an Eskimo in the Cabinet? Talk about an oppressed people.

“Thismerica” because with North, South and even Central America sprouting up, we’re no longer just “A” merica. We’re “This” one, and we’re not to be confused with all those others, dammit. Frankly, “United’s” the only word that doesn’t feel quite right, but the sentiment’s there at least.

    As an example, let’s look at the Entity of “Health-inois” (might as well rename the entities while we’re at it, and Illinois always sounded kind of sickly to me). Under the current system, Illinois is allotted 21 electoral votes. In the most recent election, this Entity was carried by the democratic challenger with fifty-five percent of the popular vote, who thus received all 21 electoral votes. Are we honestly to believe that fifty-five percent is to equal one-hundred percent? Did our founding fathers perhaps spend a little too much time with wig-upkeep and not enough with their abaci? Such faulty math surely sends the wrong message to the rest of the world; it’s no wonder we’ve lost so much international respect. Under the current system, the 2,336,253 votes cast for the incumbent in “Health-inois” amounted to nothing. Instead of waiting in line, these folks’ afternoons would have been better served purchasing land somewhere like “Euphoria” (formerly Missouri, whose name reeks of melancholy), where there vote could have contributed to the electoral.

    But it’s a simple fix. Under the new (and improved) system, each entity is divided into sub-entities called “voting-eligible units” (VEU’s). A regular unit need only register to vote to become a certified VEU, and each VEU then receives their very own electoral vote by casting a regular vote. Could it be any easier? Gladly, I can confirm that it could not be any easier. An entity is then granted one electoral vote for every VEU that casts a ballot, and the entities split their votes up based on how many votes were cast for each candidate (one vote for one candidate translates into one electoral vote for that candidate). At the end of the day, each entity casts votes for each candidate and which ever candidate gets the most total electoral votes is declared the winner.

    Unfortunately the movement’s momentum has been sluggish due to the opinion of some that changing past legislation would be construed as a flip flop. And we can’t have that, no matter the cost. It seems two inconsistencies don’t make a consistency. Even though righting this wrong with a wrong would leave us with no wrongs.


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