SUBJECT>Re: diner story #1 POSTER>Si mon EMAIL> DATE>1107972161 IP_ADDRESS>199.184.88.166 PREVIOUS>83263 NEXT> 83266 IMAGE> LINKNAME> LINKURL>

effort appreciated...for this to work for me, it needs to be more taut. altho it is titled as a story, it reads like an internal monologue and therefore it should be more telegraphic i think -- cut the cliches

the way i read this, there is a tonal shift from the first to second part -- while the first part does read as internal, the second and third parts drift into the narrative.

overall, i think you need to make this more interesting, a little more alive with music

just my opinions tho -- enjoyed

: diner story #1

: who made an exit with out-of-date? hand in hand
: with an older man, and a nametag, hello my
: name is yesterday. who could be calling
: home, already on the way? did not bring the
: phone. there is no small black book. no
: loose scribbled page. giving the most,
: trying the best, for truly going away.

: a border town, a welcome mat that says
: "this is where i've come to
: disappear." receding hairline, hairline
: fracture. if it fades does it heal? a knock
: on the door, a real stranger's stranger,
: every different face has the same appeal. a
: brand new place, an even newer feel.

: a daring escape. cardboard containers and fancy
: gunplay. old friends fill the boxes, changed
: hearts haunt the hallway. destruction is
: feasting; all-you-can-eat buffet. guts were
: all gone, only walls remained. time stopped
: and it stared and said "what a stunning
: display. but no matter what you destroy, the
: memories stay."