SUBJECT>Re: Beekeeper POSTER>Asher EMAIL> DATE>1108572695 IP_ADDRESS>cache-dtc-ac04.proxy.aol.com PREVIOUS>83464 NEXT> 83482 IMAGE> LINKNAME> LINKURL>

Bowen--there are fine elements in both, I think.
I very much like "fold me in their code of violence," aside from the strength of the image; there are interesting scientific connections to draw. However, I prefered the last strophe of the second draft because you get across the same point through sound/syntax that became explicit for me in the first. The binary of sting/paradise is also much more directed towards generating linguistic meaning, whereas the juxtaposition of verb "beat" and the delicacy of the "cellophane wings" and the polysyllabic "yellow striped" actually say much more by not being expicit in their meaning, IMHO. So, personally, I prefer number 2, after importing stophe 2 of your first draft into the second. I definitely like the couplet structure in both; both are engaging to read. AG

: They are short.

: Beekeeper

: He catches me with the buzz of his eyes.
: His honey-sweet hands lay down their ache

: at night, fold me in their code of violence.
: The porch boards creak beneath us

: when he brings his yellow-striped heart
: to me. I search the sun-dizzy clover

: for the dust of his lips. He knows my flower
: opens for the paradise of his sting.

:
: ------------------------------------------------------------------------
: Beekeeper (2)

: He catches me with the buzz of his eyes.
: His honey-sweet hands lay down their sting

: and fold me in their honeysuckle dreams.
: The porch boards beat beneath my back

: when he lights in the nest of my thighs.
: Afternoons I search the sun-dizzy clover

: for the dust of his lips, the cellophane wings
: to beat my yellow-striped heart.