SUBJECT>Re: A Page Torn from a Journal Found on the Peach POSTER>Barbara Silberg EMAIL>barbaralynnsilberg@msn.com DATE>1110066188 IP_ADDRESS>dialup-207-218-209-249.ev1.net PASSWORD>aa.b5wqTi2o36 PREVIOUS>84249 NEXT> 84312 IMAGE> LINKNAME> LINKURL>

I swear, you and Laurie need to get together and put a book together. Loved this, but for a few nits:

"golden chain tree"? Do you mean a golden rain tree?

Why would mice look for "empty" nuts and seeds? I'd lose that "empty".

If your speaker does "not notice," how can he report the following? "her steed is a donkey
: or her clothes are cheap cotton
: in need of repair and today, a wash tub."
(all lovely details, by the way.)

Maybe if you say: 'I take little notice that'"her steed..." then follow it with: 'I focus on' "her companion"

"sleep off" needs to be "slept off"

"the Americans[,](:) their incessant demands"

"spread about[.](?)”

"him sullen and ill" If I'm reading you right, this needs to be: "his face, sullen and ill."

Hope to have been of help. --Barbara S.

: A Page Torn from a Journal Found on the Peach
: Fork of the River

: (following Laurie)

: Beneath a the tarnished blossoms of a golden
: chain tree,
: mice search for the last empty nuts and seeds
: of summer.
: A silver thaw splits the trunks of pines
: planted by sages,
: an owl announces his fear with the beat of
: mottled wings.

: I do not notice her steed is a donkey
: or her clothes are cheap cotton
: in need of repair and today, a wash tub.
: I notice her companion -
: he seems a callow sort,
: a brute with a ferret’s smile
: and abusive eyes.

: The winter frost deeper than where frogs rest,
: tiger lily bulbs along the temple walls freeze.

: I told her to wait for me in the pavilion
: two streets beyond her lodging.
: When I arrived, it was locked,
: abandoned with its fragile rice windows
: shredded.
: Well bundled, I waited under the eaves,
: unable to find a corner protected from the
: wind.
: I waited, sure she would leave as
: he sleep off the last bottle of rice wine.
: I contemplated how long before my nose froze.

: Beyond mountains where dragons live,
: the monks who keep this simple temple
: have survived warlords, cadres and bureaucrats
: to finally achieve some peace serving tourists.

: There are complaints in the tea-shops and
: noodle houses
: about the Americans, their incessant demands
: and stingy pockets. “Barbarians so wealthy
: should share instead of hoarding like a third
: wife.
: How will we survive another year if this
: is all the largesse the devils spread about.”

: I overtip.

: The monks are silent,
: their rice bowels half full until winter ends,
: their sandals worn for too many seasons.

: The riders left the village -
: her fey smile as lively as when she arrived,
: him sullen and ill.

: A great egret crosses the moon on its way
: to where frogs and newts sleep close
: enough to the sun to fill a sage’s gullet.