SUBJECT>Re: ps POSTER>AnnMarie Eldon EMAIL>AEldon1@aol.com DATE>1111130115 IP_ADDRESS>ACC977E3.ipt.aol.com PASSWORD>aamj9SPBIdXow PREVIOUS>84940 NEXT> 84969 IMAGE> LINKNAME> LINKURL>
Don't know whether I can stick to your exact requirements on how to critique this. I'm not saying anything on length since I nearly will always take a piece as-is. On first read the transitions seem fine exact I wanted to (add) one more onto a 'now'
eg
since you have
What was that language now: meaning
you could use a () on your first 'now' which appears
was verdant-- now
: space crowds, always an audition
to
was verdant-- (now)
space crowds, always an audition
since you're moving in and out in a memory sense too. This may be off - it's too early in the morning here...
AnnMarie
: Dear Critics,
: Tell me where the transitions may be off; where
: the poem says too much, too little etc. I
: know its a long piece to post, but I don't
: write shorter pieces, so. I appreciate the
: consideration.
: Best,
: Asher
: Afterwords