SUBJECT>Re: This is Not Your Life (past tense) POSTER>Jack EMAIL> DATE>1111506249 IP_ADDRESS>1Cust5222.an3.den10.da.uu.net PASSWORD>aa3rfqIypCINk PREVIOUS>85121 NEXT> IMAGE> LINKNAME> LINKURL>

Hi, Laurel. I think you've improved this, but for this one, I like the immediacy of present tense.

Yours,
Jack

: Laurel--
: Some very nice line in here: Blue glass clinked
: in the breeze
: as a woman pinned sheets to summer.

: You'd forgotten the road out of here
: was orange.

: West, the clop
: and creak of horse and carriage.

: Some interesting images that needed to be
: developed, imho: you grabbed
: my wrist like the neck of a wine bottle

: Some bathetic lines (smile--I know, I'm an
: ass:-)

: Your mother's shadow flapped and flapped
: like a wing.

: A child can drown
: in a puddle when no one's looking.

: We drove home in the stunned silence

: into a light so bright and sudden
: that we were temporarily blinded.

: In the distance, a crow cawed in a tree

: (anything but crows, IMHO; I'm personally
: finished with them:-)

: You gotta consider letting go of all wombs in
: your poems; you're way too good for them
: (wink): was the silence of a woman contained
: within,
: breath held, watching her son cry: Mama! Mama!

: the first stirring.

: and, by far, the worst line in the poem: We
: emerged as if from a dark womb

: Images that needed sharpening, imho: You find
: them. Ha.

: Love,

: Asher

: The air was always restless here.