SUBJECT>Re: Poki POSTER>Jessica A.C. Snyder EMAIL>hautepoet@hotmail.com DATE>1111561586 IP_ADDRESS>az-yuma-cuda1s-201.losaca.adelphia.net PASSWORD>aaiSrkYixZ5ro PREVIOUS>85261 NEXT> 85287 IMAGE> LINKNAME> LINKURL>

I see that you really want that framing device of the poetry reading here, and my question is why? Note, I'm not saying that it's a bad idea, I'm just curious what you're trying to convey with the frame that the portrait is bettered by. I get the sense that it is supposed to bring a sense of this man not just being the inspiration for the poem, and a poetry-lovin' critter, but actually being poetry himself. But, why is his poetry too late? Why has someone else won? And what, exactly, is a "romba" poem? (Do you mean "rumba," as in a Latin dance rhythm?)

Two other initial reactions:
1) I love the pace this has--it makes me think of something between the tireless/tiring pacing of "Howl" (even before the reference) and the adamant rhythms of alot of better slam poetry.

2) There seems to be perhaps too many modifiers here. Being that I am a pink-cheeked adorer of modifiers myself, I'm thinking the show-don't-tell crowd might just be chanting that mantra pretty soon in here. Please, don't lose many if you decide to trim them a bit, as many are quite lovely and not really showy, but do consider maybe trimming a tad. With some slightly more elegantly simple phrases in the poem, some of the more original and lush noun/modifier pairs would have a better chance of getting noticed.

This poem is quite densely populated with quite yummy stuff, so, you'll have to pardon me if, with ryan, I must come at this sort of bit-by-bit with the specifics.
: Yup, you're right. My problem now with this is
: the introduction of the poetry reading at
: the end of the poem. Instead of starting it
: off with the "dictionary sounding first
: lines" ; I'll give a description of the
: poetry reading...That would follow in the
: vain of FR Scott. Sort a. Ha. I wasn't sure
: what this poem was, until it started to
: become clear that it was a more
: "organic" piece. And sort of
: demands that treatment, as you rightly note.
: Thank you.