SUBJECT>Re: Shots of Spring POSTER>Yoly EMAIL>yoly_c@yahoo.com DATE>1111620963 IP_ADDRESS>cache-mtc-ac03.proxy.aol.com PASSWORD>aaiEZds5BDMEY PREVIOUS>85254 NEXT> IMAGE> LINKNAME> LINKURL>

Hey asher

I do appreciate you stopping in and taking the time to comment. Ok, the language isn't terribly interesting. I wanted the language to be plain and the story behind the photos told plainly.
I see all your points and they make sense.
Thank you, kindly for your input.

Peace,
Yoly

ly--
: Hope you're well. I offered a couple of edits
: below for your consideration

: Shots of Spring

: [a new title perhaps, "Shots of
: Spring" is a little generic, although I
: do like "shots;" I'm ambivalent
: about the spring bit. Another word for
: spring with more "texture" if that
: makes any sense. I use this online thesarus
: now as I write which helps me a great deal.]

: -I thought that poem could somehow purge itself
: [if aiming for that] of the second person in
: some way. Probably, it can't...

: --definitely, I would consider losing
: "zephyr" a rather colloquial word
: that puts the poem almost immediately into
: the Romantic "genre" and
: reconsider "part of you comes through
: part of me." Which is one of those
: large unifying concepts that don't quite
: amount to much for a reader. I dunno, I
: suppose the poem is personal and I feel no
: need to go further, to be honest...
: I do like the idea of the hair obstructing the
: lens and that causing her to see the
: relational and fluid aspect of their
: codependent being. That insight seems like
: the "heart" of the poem (for me)
: if I could make such a presuming statement.
: But then the idea of picture as constituting
: a self, I thought redundent. But the
: obstruction of the lens, interested me.

: -ok, so whose holding the camera now? I see at
: the end...well. Ok.

: --I'm not sure that a ladybug
: "leaps"? Anyway, the poem lacks
: interesting language; the start of an
: interesting idea/trope was cut off and the
: poem didn't quite follow through on the
: trope that it introduced.

: A