SUBJECT>Re: ** Roll Call POSTER>Jessica A.C. Snyder EMAIL>hautepoet@hotmail.com DATE>1111682966 IP_ADDRESS>az-yuma-cuda1s-201.losaca.adelphia.net PASSWORD>aaiSrkYixZ5ro PREVIOUS>85201 NEXT> 85406 IMAGE> LINKNAME> LINKURL>

: Beaten by rains
: the man-tall pyramid of snow
: retires to child-height
: in our snow bared yard

First, add dittos to what Asher & GC have already said, except for the part about cutting the first strophe. I think the snow is necesary to the visual contrast of the cardinal, and to more clearly call attention to the cardinal's presence with reference to season. It gives that happy presence a purpose. I enjoyed the almost serendipitous feel of that bright red bird appearing as the white remainders of winter "retires." (I like that word there more every time I read it). One problem with the first strophe: "bared" seems to be a bit odd here, If it's bared, it's exposed, and yet snow implies at least some measure of cover. I think you were trying to imply, considering the retiring snow man, that the snow is melting, but "bared" just doesn't bring that in clearly.

: Scarlet from scalp to wing-tip
: a full cardinal poses
: upon one treetop branch
: rather like that cardinal
: ruled this young elm
: from an earlier year --
: but it's not that cardinal,
: it's another, stranger cardinal
: upon another treetop branch,
: some other observer

I like that the cardinal "poses," as if to conciously make sure his presence and regal importance are felt. And, I like that this cardinal reminds the speaker of the past cardinal who "ruled/this young elm"--as if he is establishing his royal lineage. But, I have a few more nits.

First: one does not see a bird's "scalp" unless it is dead, and removed of it's plummage. I suggest you replace this with the more bird-appropriate "crown," which would heighten the royalty undertones, or with some other appropriate reference to the top of a living bird's head--one that is actually visible to the observer from some remove.

Second: I second Asher's comments as to the repetiveness, and rather liked his suggested edits. The syntax needs to feel slightly more solid, methinks.