SUBJECT>Re: The Heat of Spring POSTER>Sherry EMAIL>ranch@rocketmail.com DATE>1111819635 IP_ADDRESS>69-161-206-253.clspco.adelphia.net PASSWORD>aapDmzY55pzBE PREVIOUS>85436 NEXT> 85489 IMAGE> LINKNAME> LINKURL>
: Hi, Sherry.
Hi Jack.
: This poem seems to try to get mileage out of
: the comparison between the birds who have
: forgotten something and the you (who's
: addressed) who's also forgotten something.
This poem offers a simple repetition, a weave of hope that the birds will come around, the "you" will come around, or even the speaker could come around and all perspective change, song and love remembered.
: I guess it gets something out of it, but I'm in
: this to have the top of my head blown off or
: at least pummeled with surprises.
I'm with you, sometimes I want my head blown off with poetry. But, this poem doesn't even want to be explosive. It's a pretty gentle one.
: Maybe I'm asking for something outside the
: aspirations of the poem. When the invitation
: of the poem begins, the come hither, well, I
: think the invitation needs to be more
: appealing.
: I'm sorry. I'm kind of beating this up.
: I'm going to stop.
I like to think it has some feel-good depths if you are able to slow down for it.
: I think the impulse to have the
: "you," the invited, speak at the
: end is a good one. But I'm not sure the
: words in the "you's" mouth are the
: right ones.
It's all a question of heat and what is comfortable and what is not. I wanted to include some factual experience in the last lines--about the shirtsleeves. Colorado is so wonderful in that its arid high altitude makes winter feel mild.
I think you know that I've cut a bit out of this...I decided I didn't want to develop the characters too much. Love poems can get so hokey and personal with too much characterization.
: Ok wait. I know what it is. The relationship
: between the speaker and the spoken to isn't
: clear in the poem. And the murkiness isn't
: justified by the poem. I think the actions
: and the speaking need to make the
: relationship clear.
: Oh, and I like the shift, the move from the
: birds to the direct statement "How
: absent you've been." It's hear that the
: relationship begins to be built.
: Perhaps it's a mothering or caring relationship
: on the part of the speaker. S/he tries to
: dress the other.
Yech! *L* I was hoping for a sensual submission.
God, I hate explaining my poems.
: Ok, well, that's all I've got.
: Best,
: Jack
: they’ve forgotten
: They tangle sky in cold screech and
: ***
They tangle the sky in a cold screech and fiddle.
hmmm....Yes, I like playing with that line.
Thanks for your thoughts,
s.