SUBJECT>Re: Apostrophe POSTER>Asher EMAIL> DATE>1112924696 IP_ADDRESS>nova.lib.uwo.ca PREVIOUS>85893 NEXT> IMAGE> LINKNAME> LINKURL>

Mesela--

I like parts of this, although I must admit that I tend to have an aversion towards poems with well- formed metaphors . That aside, my reading may offer an alternative reading to what others have offered.

There is language in here that is lush and, also, parts where the language gets sapped by an ineffective verbs, IMO.

Apostrophe

-please reconsider your title. Or mull over it.

We lay the secrets of dying between us; rivers
emptied on deltas, chickadees startled into
flight.

--like the opening a great deal. The third phrase could use more startling verb, IMHO.

We watch tugs bear logs against the tide
and lights dally on the sudden plash of fish.

--anything but "dally"

After dinner we tarry over wine, toast grief-
pressed vintages--another glass and another.

--same with "tarry"

: Lyrical cuckoos, we trill the eve in monologue,
: strike midnight and rattle toward one. You
: read.

--at this point, I think the poem kills me as a reader. It tells me too much [in monologue] and uses modifiers that are cliche. I think that I like lines like "toast grief-pressed vintages" and the verb "rattle."

: I lay across three chairs in the auditorium
: of your story, feel the hook in my mouth,

--very much like the auditorium bit.

: taste blood on my lips, the red impression of
: it
: like a kiss. Your mouth to mine. Your blood.

: We hold the ropes of each minute, draw back
: terminal hours until first light closes like a
: valve.

--how about "claps shut" like a valve. I wanted the poem to argue a bit more.... I'm a contentious person by nature.

: I read your studies in breathing, how
: one breath follows another. Until it stops.

--Yes, I'm in agreement with Simon on the last sentence here. It trys to seal the poem and impart meaning to the trope, but it ends up sounding slightly bathetic. I like "studies in breathing" elaborating the poems metaphor.

I wanted more from this language-wise.

Best,

Asher