SUBJECT>Re: Apostrophe POSTER>Asher EMAIL> DATE>1112924696 IP_ADDRESS>nova.lib.uwo.ca PREVIOUS>85893 NEXT> IMAGE> LINKNAME> LINKURL>
Mesela--
I like parts of this, although I must admit that I tend to have an aversion towards poems with well- formed metaphors There is language in here that is lush and, also, parts where the language gets sapped by an ineffective verbs, IMO.
Apostrophe
-please reconsider your title. Or mull over it.
We lay the secrets of dying between us; rivers
--like the opening a great deal. The third phrase could use more startling verb, IMHO.
We watch tugs bear logs against the tide
--anything but "dally"
After dinner we tarry over wine, toast grief-
--same with "tarry"
: Lyrical cuckoos, we trill the eve in monologue,
--at this point, I think the poem kills me as a reader. It tells me too much [in monologue] and uses modifiers that are cliche. I think that I like lines like "toast grief-pressed vintages" and the verb "rattle."
: I lay across three chairs in the auditorium
--very much like the auditorium bit.
: taste blood on my lips, the red impression of
: We hold the ropes of each minute, draw back
--how about "claps shut" like a valve. I wanted the poem to argue a bit more... : I read your studies in breathing, how
--Yes, I'm in agreement with Simon on the last sentence here. It trys to seal the poem and impart meaning to the trope, but it ends up sounding slightly bathetic. I like "studies in breathing" elaborating the poems metaphor.
I wanted more from this language-wise.
Best,
Asher
emptied on deltas, chickadees startled into
flight.
and lights dally on the sudden plash of fish.
pressed vintages--another glass and another.
: strike midnight and rattle toward one. You
: read.
: of your story, feel the hook in my mouth,
: it
: like a kiss. Your mouth to mine. Your blood.
: terminal hours until first light closes like a
: valve.
: one breath follows another. Until it stops.