SUBJECT>Re: Independence Day POSTER>Si mon EMAIL> DATE>1112987218 IP_ADDRESS>199.184.88.166 PREVIOUS>85964 NEXT> IMAGE> LINKNAME> LINKURL>

altho i enjoyed reading this and read it all the way, i found it too prosy to enjoy as poetry. and if it were fiction, i would probably complain that the ending was too flat, almost expected. Now others might say this straight forward narrative is to their liking. and so, I really won't offer any specific suggestions for change. let's see what others say. I think, if you decide to do so, that much could be trimmed from this to give it more lyrical power.

: We decided upon the city park.
: A few picnic tables beside a small stream
: crossed by an arched footbridge,
: perfect for the bridal march. Family
: and a few friends, most familiar with AA
: and ALANON. It was my fourth and her
: fifth. Like crying "wolf", I suppose.

: An unexpected guest, a poet friend,
: a guy I worshipped, jogged past,
: stayed for the ceremony. A disheveled
: ex-con who lived in the woods,
: he gave me a collection of Buk’s poems
: as a wedding gift a few months later,
: said I could learn from the lush.

: My bride showed late, coughing,
: sicker than I’d ever seen her.
: My three new daughters escorted their mom
: across the bridge while Brazilian Luis
: serenaded on his clarinet. Luis visited me
: daily at the psych ward when Deborah,
: my Brazilian lover--twenty years younger--
: jilted me for her viola. It branded her
: with a luscious hickie on her neck
: about the size and color of the grapes
: crushed for Mogen David. Just as well.

: It rained, then the sun made a few
: desperate attempts, then it rained again,
: a continuous light mist like bubbles on your
: face from a glass of champagne, a Hawaiian
: blessing according to my new Hawaiian wife--
: a real Waikiki beach beauty, with credits
: as a prostitute on Hawaii 5-O. During her
: dying scene, Dano tickled her feet off camera.
: That story always bothered me because
: stony-faced Dano lightened up for my bride.

: No honeymoon. We went to a meeting
: that night. She took me to my first meeting
: the day I got out of the ICU. Later, she said
: she knew I would have died if she hadn’t
: helped me. Probably. Those days, I’d drink in
: her words like I used to drink beer, actually,
: more like a good wine before I’d had too many.

: It’ll be fifteen years on Cinco de Mayo. Then,
: I told her Mexico had gained its independence,
: but I had lost mine. Today, I’m no little boy
: crying wolf. Tonight, when I lie down beside
: her—
: we can’t stand the thought of dying separately—
: I’ll drink in again, remember, and sleep in her
: arms.