82000 twenty one bells laura d. rodriguez twenty-one the will toll times for life that i ve lived and given so recklessly to routine flights of humanity world as far eye can see swallows up just in time greet me beat into unknowing ground where no trace my ever be found it cannot recollect what knows soon forget because knowing is naught but fade away while assigned granite weathers night day lapse eternity this flight fate tally final score respectfully am more copyright 2005 82002 re to slip into the nocturnal bj laura i'm going comment on all three poems. obviously you have a love of words and sense musicality rhythm your problem is that are biting off big chucks life its questions for material course trying make few encompassing do work. may heard this before but need more concrete images. look at smaller chunks even seeming simple unassuming aspects then use imagination images invest those moments with cosmic all-encompassing ideas in way. maybe should not try message let intuition flow if will begin see poem live own something say didn't expect. sincerely lynne initial break day shun light known by world as bellows wisk away abscond irk ire exist resign role jaded soul ineffectually hurled tomb innocence from whence we born wake aftermath left forlorn mourn here grip our existence where souls cannot confess nothingness pulls resistance release dream manifest copyright 2005 d. rodriguez 82003 turquoise laurie byro these woods are littered with indian relics arrowheads sun-blanched skulls gifts to ghosts revered as if human. i ve seen ferny shadows dance. roots trip me up on my walks past foundations where the trapper kept a dark-eyed woman for his guardian. she cost next nothing tribe glad be rid of her. pretty ones could bartered or sold crazy and plain broken like brave s wild horse. but never tamed. you warn about bears. say they from whom will need protection. buy string beads through unruly hair. place stone in each pocket send down path. autumn hear weeping tell myself it is wind skittering leaves. winter ice storms bend willows saplings tinkling berries becomes brittle laughter. peer into pane root cellar miner lodged. somber brown eyes bears watch rub sticks make fire her cold hands. call am back again employ offer silver tangled dark rope frozen 82004 workshop etiquette hannah laura d. rodriguez - in general this functions best when people contribute at both ends of the spectrum. we prefer that a poet offer 2-3 in-depth critiques other poems for each poem their own they post. i've also found i get my work take time to read others' frequently...so you may want try that. thanks and welcome block. -hannah 82005 re turquoise annmarie eldon i suggest only these woods are littered with indian relics arrowheads sun-blanched skulls gifts to ghosts revered as if human. ve seen ferny shadows dance. roots trip me up on my walks past foundations where the trapper kept a dark-eyed woman for his guardian. she cost next nothing tribe glad be rid of her. pretty ones could bartered or sold crazy and plain broken like brave s wild horse. but never tamed. you warn about bears. say they from whom will need protection. buy string beads through unruly hair. place stone in each pocket send down path. autumn hear weeping tell myself it is wind skittering leaves. winter ice storms bend willows saplings tinkling berries becomes brittle laughter. peer into pane root cellar miner lodged. somber brown eyes bears watch rub sticks make fire her cold hands. call am back again employ . offer silver tangled dark rope frozen 82006 re to slip into the nocturnal annmarie eldon for this work me it must have something concrete familiar small domestic homely touchable i can identify with - not such a long list of massives which become cliched when there are so many. lynne at initial break day shun light known by all world as bellows wisk you away abscond irk and ire that exist in resign your role jaded soul is ineffectually hurled tomb innocence from whence we born wake aftermath left forlorn mourn here grip our existence where souls cannot confess nothingness pulls resistance release dream manifest copyright 2005 laura d. rodriguez 82007 re justified annmarie eldon feeling averse and after all who am i in the end we are right. 82008 re the gardener's wife dmjones good morning jim this is excellent some of lines show a genius at work. long poems tend to bore crap out me cause my short attention span but held captive till very end. send - knowing editor will eat up. ps have you posted work previously on block regards dennis 82009 re twenty one bells jenny hi i'm not gonna comment on the poetry as i agree with bj. basically you have a talent for sound but so much of potential content poem is obstructed by noise wanting that nothing actualized via imagery etc. there was thing found in here which quite potent. awoke this morning tip my tongue then surprised to open your swallows up just time greet me and beat into unknowing ground where no trace life can ever be very nicely stated sonically probably near genuis teenager. what intrigued ground. seems actual self point truly experienced from. anyway hope don't take off huffy. do stick it out here. would love see goes. twenty-one will toll times ve lived given recklessly routine flights humanity world far eye cannot recollect knows soon forget because knowing naught fade away while assigned granite weathers night day lapse eternity flight fate tally final score respectfully am more copyright 2005 laura d. rodriguez 82011 re to slip into the nocturnal jenny i used read vedic mantras when was a young girl. some of these lines strike me again as potent. well can't really justify this logically my critical mind demands but strikes let repeat. tomb innocence from whence we all are born for in wake your aftermath left forlorn now it isn't so much words is rhythm and how perfectly conveys meaning. then second quoted line aftermath. bloody startling. don't have time go through entire poem. lynne at initial break day shun light known by world bellows wisk you away abscond irk ire that exist resign role jaded soul ineffectually hurled mourn here grip our existence where souls cannot confess nothingness pulls resistance release dream manifest copyright 2005 laura d. rodriguez 82012 re turquoise lauren laurie this poem is truly beautiful. i always have a hard time describing exactly what like about so all can say that the voice here fantastic - haunting somber reverent. nicely done. only one criticism which as follows these woods are littered with indian relics arrowheads sun-blanched skulls gifts to ghosts revered if human. ve seen ferny shadows dance. roots trip me up on my walks past foundations where trapper kept dark-eyed woman for his guardian. she cost next nothing tribe glad be rid of her. pretty ones could bartered or sold crazy and plain broken brave s wild horse. but never tamed. you warn bears. they from whom will need protection. buy string beads through unruly hair. place stone in each pocket send down path. autumn hear weeping tell myself it wind skittering leaves. winter ice storms bend willows saplings tinkling berries becomes brittle laughter. peer into pane root cellar miner lodged. brown eyes bears watch rub sticks make fire her cold hands. find needlessly wordy. think laughter getting mention since after somewhat redundant . definitely helps maintain rhythm. call am back again employ offer silver tangled dark rope frozen really enjoyed thanks posting 82013 re photograph of chopin geoff re. a chopin. thank you for generous reception. i was struck at jude's evaluation though others had useful things to say too. this has already been trimmed in revision phase. writing lot about freddy boy lately and it makes progressively easier visit his neighborhood but harder evaluate success... chapbook ms pieces on composers is probably progress... saw single the first time few days ago nearly forgot racking my brains write something am interested heard ballades playing. best last year life work accomplished progress casts up its polished horns even fourth arrondisement besides scores snaps chubby madame george we have photo frederic. not pretty sight he resembles dubious pathetic flower neglected fatally window sill behind faded curtains dehydrated forgotten place overly bright. none are blows integrity -- clothes however resemble those inherited from larger stronger man hardly old shrinks within himself death marks face defect return sender tiresome hemorrhages proceed. soon one crushes him into ball moaning mother. she will come garbed as polonica herself take home where all change terrifying everywhere turns there no piano save extravagance centuries nights waiting never permit dawn . leone 82014 re the gardener's wife lauren jz my intitial reaction to this poem was that wife's enough in and of itself -- you don't need husband's response. after rereading i feel same way. there's something about her insight candor is both tragic extremely refreshing. can literally isolation even when she confers with neighbor flowers perhaps because conversation so superficial mundane . but once husband enters his response find power words be neutralized particularly he asks cliche does know it's clear us knows entirely. for reader obliviousness just kind annoying. anyway while writing beautiful really think piece demands a good luck seven made potion terracotta pot. blades grass crabapple seed dandelion puffs dried up peonies other stuff. final touch three glops seasoned muck stirred hickory stick stuck sunny spot cure. vow. doesn t know. today found spoon half-buried beneath dogwood tree. tries hide musky breath shots whiskey. see seeds between teeth boot prints deep gardens. some nights before leaves still dumb sleep snake hand sheets him way make stay. we first married passion like an anger on top me scowl hands clenched beside face dirt each nail. woman next-door meets at fence. anchored by our coffee cups chat latest blooms. have no use pity. potions black as pitch rich home-brewed coffee. gardener s gathers roly-polies from pillow them dish nightstand. longer wonders dark stains unusual places or questions humus cologne. stem prattle fresh cut aster sprigs salvia. avoids me. become chameleon slip outside if drawn flickering glow streetlight always there lank weeds edge curbs asphalt driveways are there. perennial. stare into yard spread zoysia dew wet mowed too short unkempt beds. help it. hop fence deadhead mums notice yellow window. how go long without thinning clumps hemerocallis understand dangers watering night sense watches rest head acrid soil testing it lips. 82015 re improvisation geoff re. improvisation. it suddenly strikes me something cumulative after reading hundreds and of pieces written by women that the notion love is a staple ingredient. this like addition wine or cream into anything made in french kitchen. about piece too short undeveloped to say more it. perhaps good start not. best sand on toes grass entering my hair your hand again making forget pains silence romance just whispers goodbies another morning's time. eof 82019 re turquoise amy laurie the imagery was lush and this kep me delightfully off-kilter. my only nit would be with rubbing sticks together for her cold hands. i could buy everything up until then as something real placed just so effect but no one really rubs to make fire... got an image of someone sighing blowing hair out face go on i'll spare you. maybe you gather thanks posting a good read these woods are littered indian relics arrowheads sun-blanched skulls gifts ghosts revered if human. ve seen ferny shadows dance. roots trip walks past foundations where trapper kept dark-eyed woman his guardian. she cost next nothing tribe glad rid her. pretty ones bartered or sold crazy plain broken like brave s wild horse. never tamed. warn about bears. say they from whom will need protection. string beads through unruly hair. place stone in each pocket send down path. autumn hear weeping tell myself it is wind skittering leaves. winter ice storms bend willows saplings tinkling berries becomes brittle laughter. peer into pane root cellar miner lodged. somber brown eyes bears watch rub fire call am back again employ offer silver tangled dark rope frozen 82020 re beneath the lash revised amy jude i don't want to say too much more about your poem since i've already responded it and you've had enough from me but wanted let you know that like line breaks before. my favorite part last one was watch stool perched hands cupped over keyboard. words twist scrape leaves against dry cave of palms in new version this is still there something got complicated with twist-ing scrap-ing. a feeling context what unguents were have confess look up when did noticed offers no further meaning than salve unless missed something. also balms would be nice word play think. okay lied said much. thanks i'm afraid go outdoors shadows are whipping people. birds care they're all today swarm. on road cars scuttle beetles. trees reach for them wildly. take us. they seem screech. drivers heading someplace safe. despair tear their hair toss things about. wailing tremendous sides home heave tremble day presses upon windows again again. at desk twisting scraping forage salves. coffee grows cold room darkens great blankness moves north. 82021 re the gardener's wife amy jz i have to agree with someone else who said this may need no response. love reading woman's by itself though it is possible was so turned off caveman like mention of her prattle that don't care about his opinion too much... that's possible. one thing stanza some nights before he leaves still dumb sleep snake my hand beneath sheets and touch him think way make stay. when we first married passion an anger on top me a scowl hands clenched beside face dirt deep each nail. something happening can't help but bring up garden imagery for clashes poem in woman as trying there your wonderful line tangential reference incredibly strong even stronger. thanks 82022 re to slip into the nocturnal laura d. rodriguez i used read vedic mantras when was a young girl. some of these lines strike me again as potent. well can't really justify this logically my critical mind demands but strikes let repeat. tomb innocence from whence we all are born for in wake your aftermath left forlorn now it isn't so much words is rhythm and how perfectly conveys meaning. then second quoted line aftermath. bloody startling. don't have time go through entire poem. wrote poem message best friend's mother who deceased. am glad that you find interesting poignant. also appreciate less than sugary comments gotten. thank feedback. 82023 re beneath the lash revised laura d. rodriguez i feel so hypocritical commenting on strangers poetry while just newer poet myself what brought you to write this poem is it about 82024 re a tale of love and betrayal laura d. rodriguez i like your foray the darker subjects life. write lot poetry this. really liked this poem alot. 82025 re photograph of chopin laura d. rodriguez i do not really know a lot about but like the historical aspect poem and that it follows timeline. your state images clearly can actually follow this person through his life. please revise. perfect as is. 82027 re a talent in comparison i am hannah laura- hello and welcome to the block. ve been meaning respond these all day but so busy that haven t had time or actually lazy sitting around reading eliot drinking tea . still don have energy provide critique for each of poems you posted just this one tonight. poem out three most interested me. more interesting phrasing than others. relent onslaught absolutes infinities abstracts from with an actual image when they appear are often quite well formed as trope it stands somewhere between confession brag grovel pledge seems authentically youthful energetic determined. like that. ll skim over few things thought while over-write over-narrate very simple tropes point exhaustion. think s much effective uses concrete language images poetic devices tend at least atmospheric reason staying long same darn thought. tendency keep building on piling increasingly abstract concepts after other say approximately thing. l6-l12 surely mostly poor rephrasing succinct l1-l5. would be improved ten-fold by removal entirely. note innate sense rhythm musicality is sometimes ridden abused sorely. poorly handled rhyme giant gaping holes meter drove me nearly mad seriously started counting pansy fennel rue however listen those who suggest abandon writing rhyme. rather if appeals try learn about it. there some really great books form accessible entry-level course poets do will help. loud recently reminded cannot undervalued method seeing why current scheme sounds forced unnatural distracts attention poem. interim might want experiment free-verse line see can improve aspects your writing. obvious basic package applies devotion abstraction talented soul artistry mortal destined weak nouns verbs banal modifiers starving talentless outstanding toll too clich pouring onto page being trapped rusty cage breaks though inconsistent unworthy punctuation. overwhelming bunch stuff dumped critic good start looking important. i.e. how what makes break versus words thoughts line-breaks emphasize underdeveloped use device symbolism metaphor consistency image. let take example groundhog. narrator says profundity coaxed her groundhog his hole. comes goes. shepherded not apparent rest impact produce know used coax its hole thus hard extend allegory. fact main sets imagery cyst candle shore mountain never come together vee into tighter configuration. spirals ever outward. voice tone place. vacillates self-derision only recognize my mediocrity self-promotion genius surfacing sparingly two sort contradict she thinks has albeit sparing recognizing mediocrity. control tool runaway freight train emotion help this. maybe. dunno. anyhow. thanks chance read respond. hope stick around. -hannah p.s. we lot opinions here you're indebted none them. find useful discard 82028 re kirttimukha ctg barbara silberg interesting article chris. but shouldn't you address my question in your poem where is the speaker seeing bunnies are they dancing around baptismal font playing hide and seek mews an aside note which might help explain buddist falderal western churches. did know that at one point roman catholic church cannonized buddha as of their own saints wow imagine having a st. buddha. once infallable found out he had his religion going to unsaint him. oh well.-- s. thanks following url will fill on imagery i am referencing rabbits image. http www.hoap.co.uk 3rabbits.htm have called elsewhere romp into myth sexual architecture. - all best chris 82029 re kirttimukha ctg christopher t george interesting article chris. but shouldn't you address my question in your poem where is the speaker seeing bunnies are they dancing around baptismal font playing hide and seek mews an aside note which might help explain buddist falderal western churches. did know that at one point roman catholic church cannonized buddha as of their own saints wow imagine having a st. buddha. once infallable found out he had his religion going to unsaint him. oh well.-- barbara s. hi sorry i meant rabbits were on wooden roof boss described though probably should make this clearer.... triple can be many medieval churches including spreyton devon occur boss. all best chris 82030 in the details si mon waiting at dentist for my name to be called i thumbed through issues of highlight magazine entranced by hidden picture puzzles. a toaster trees chickadee pig s ear wrist watch ticking jungle moss. later children phase and out waldo searches eye spying. these days find what brings me joy keeps car from plunging over road railed shoulder is noticed. man training labrador pup grass head on-ramp. dog on long black leash. has sit until palms treat. again again. finally bored puppy finds gray who knows bright once it was rag starts play. waits then war begins. he lifts teeth rag. up above weedy grass. that image hold. air warm winter. search fork gravel needle clenched fist face too blue sky. 82031 re beneath the lash revised jude goodwin hi amy thank you so much for working with me on this. i have yet another revision. wish now hadn't deleted first version. this is really just a bit of fluff but hate to leave it unpolished im posting go at it. let know what think if get mo yrs 82032 beneath the lash revision 666 jude goodwin i'm afraid to go outdoors shadows are whipping people. birds don't care they're all up today in a swarm. on road cars scuttle like beetles. from fields trees reach for them wildly. take us. they screech and despair tear their hair toss things about. wailing is tremendous. sides of my home heave tremble day blisters upon windows again back this hunched room where i sit stool perched hands cupped over keyboard. words twist scrape leaves against dry cave palms great blankness moves north. 82033 re beneath the lash revised jude goodwin i feel so hypocritical commenting on strangers poetry while just newer poet myself what brought you to write this poem is it about hi laura good for jumping in then there are lots of resources net poets and critters too. drop me an email if want send some links. answer your question a really gusty day bit writers block life. isn't much fun peace 82034 re beneath the lash revision 666 jenn hi jude first time i've read this and i see from a response that you are trying to make it work. here is my very quick take on things just for consideration. writing about what has been written many times before think would benefit sharper pen so speak. hope something helps... if not that's ok too. kinda went with structure only. tired child who should be asleep calling bed -- again thought had more must go i'm afraid outdoors shadows --this line doesn t have much going imo by way of rhythm sound image. whipping people. birds don't care they're all up today in swarm. isn't really necessary kind given. road cars scuttle like beetles. fields trees reach them wildly. two lines begin prep visual way. us. they screech despair --you give us or most it--do need next visual. tear their hair toss about. wailing tremendous. sides can say. home heave tremble day blisters upon windows back hunched room where sit perch stool perched hands cupped over keyboard. words twist scrape leaves against dry cave palms great blankness moves north. suppose but makes me wonder...why north anyway here--hope didn't come across as an unkind crit certainly meant out tighter. 82035 re the gardener's wife laura d. rodriguez jz i have to agree with someone else who said this may need no response. love reading woman's by itself though it is possible was so turned off caveman like mention of her prattle that don't care about his opinion too much... that's possible. one thing stanza something happening snake my hand beneath sheets can't help but bring up and garden imagery for me clashes poem in woman as trying make him stay. think there a way your wonderful line tangential reference incredibly strong even stronger. thanks amy will disagree aforementioned critique. really liked all above very moving does not be changed. most responses received alot people are enamored they lose sight beautiful piece work. unrhyming poems usually do move did. thus say you talent coaxing deep emotions. hannah sent critique saying essence bound any these comments own . just take what discard rest. message remind everyone publicly well privately. hope keep writing. 82036 re interior shot bachelor's cottage laura d. rodriguez miss laurel mr. metz has it right - i love the voice here. only nits would be intro you don't need and couplets used here they appear almost as a gimmick to make look like poem . think are hitting your stride so take some time off drink good wine magic of words spill from that fertile brain yours. see in print. dennis agree with aforementioned response. do not really though is an amusing tidbit great by itself. 82037 re back from the dead ... laura d. rodriguez dear hannah-in-wine sage of yoknapatawpa once wrote a short story about girl named emily who lost her cherry to no- good yankee vagrant seduced then as she said vamoosed. but we know different goodnight sburns i am wondering...have you ever considered writing dirty limericks 82038 the bluff laura d. rodriguez okay here is one i wrote almost 3 years ago. hope you enjoy. sitting amongst benches lining rocky cliffs overlooking lake looking for in couples passing by so happy utterly together they stare mockingly at my lonely frame hunched over scribbling futile notes mourn me if will pause erase then keenly make out laughter of lovers not too distant cope infernally with noise and jealously pursue words all represent hereafter a void to fill sun sets into swallowing light fading evading am left alone walk stand limp restless nestled between two wobbly cliff sprouted trees mind jumps intensity haste swaying parchment summertime breeze dark locks flowing dangling waves below heart tow trembling memories sting eyes orange rays reflect dully them those muddy tunnels soul martyr fancy myself aged perfection twenty young reason while really finding be as forgettable tears translucently churning murky depths undistinguishable becoming waters even though ll eventually wash ashore skewing nature s divinity never true belonging brace sharp intake breath falling crashing ink dispersed wetness conscience points home 82039 re confessions laura d. rodriguez re. for jenny. i am ignoring the immediate revision. what tosh. this is unreadable. if you cannot decide where to begin it probably naughty of gentle reader make such massive control decisions about a stranger's writing. fear are asking nothing yourself and everything essential from your reader. as good gets geoff agree. try find direction poem will turn out fine. 82040 re antler laura d. rodriguez cool but i'd lose claws without pity because the rest can describe antlers and that can't. --barbara s. actually i think is a good description of an antler. you may be taking part too lliterally. line fitting with poem. job 82041 re her laura d. rodriguez i like but would cut o and the single line thanks. gary was bothered by periods within lines. consider making them separate lines or just letting flow. to each his own. 82042 re a story of worms in love laura d. rodriguez william this is funny. i especially like their idea summer lovin' eating the dead. absurdity it all when you remind us they are asexual makes that much more delightful. personally would avoid second without somehow and drop forever on end even though there some nice melodrama might do right with it. thanks amy agree. poem. 82043 a sweetness worth dying for ctg christopher t george so our love died over misunderstanding. just as on wedding night in bermuda dark waves broke the volcanic rocks scattering hoard of scarlet land crabs. i raped you but it did not make things better. darkness shrouds everything cannot find candle to measure life. gaze out sea spray my face dream feverishly murder crabs wet sand your tears. t. 82044 re turquoise laurie byro i suggest only with talent like yours am humbled by your kindness and patience. thanks for suggestion. now feel guilty because need to crit a couple but on my way how you guys i'm such yank hospital. will be at work until 9 try get back this board later. much 82045 re turquoise laurie byro this poem is truly beautiful. i always have a hard time describing exactly what like about so all can say that the voice here fantastic - haunting somber reverent. nicely done. only one criticism which as follows find needlessly wordy. think you could tinkling brittle laughter getting rid of mention berries and ice since after somewhat redundant . definitely helps maintain rhythm. really enjoyed thanks for posting lauren very much enjoy my walks in area beauty see here. lots native american history those black bear do give me pause. feeling though it people to watch. shall consider your sound advice. peace 82046 re turquoise michael mv the power of 82047 re the bluff dmjones hello laura and welcome to block. i've been reading your poems have a couple of comments 1. try step away from poem - writing in 3rd person. as an example this you write me i my at least 27 times. shouldn't be about but observations. 2. when meter don't allow rhyme dictate pace direction poem. force it works better if natually emerges on its own. 3. buy good book poetry judson jerome he has several mary oliver handbook kim addonizio dorianne laux poet's companion . these books will open whole new world for explore. experiment with slant internal alliteration assonance etc. are valuable tools any aspiring poet. detect budding talent here one that can developed. so keep fun afraid revision monster rejection. ps generally close friends relatives do not make critics avoid them all costs. come right place work judged. luck 82048 re a tale of love and betrayal bj i like your foray the darker subjects life. write lot poetry this. really liked this poem alot. thanks for kind words. please stick around these workshops keep an open mind. also find that razor's edge knowing how to choose good from bad in critiques. toughen up learn. it's endless process just sincerely 82049 re the gardener's wife amy laura there was an implication that my critique symptomatic of people who are so enamored with imagery by itself they lose sight a beautiful piece work . actually delving below into resultant meaning chosen contained for someone looking at poem fresh eyes. i always value such input and offered it along lavish praise. in short neither caught up nor did believe hannah once said if we start critting crits on here can make environment not condusive to honest critique. very rough paraphrase something over month ago... apologies this gist what she saying is took from it. like think jz values both our opinions even or especially differ why post general. will disagree aforementioned really liked all your response. stanza above moving does need be changed. as most responses have received alot work. unrhyming poems usually do move me but one did. thus say you talent coaxing deep emotions. sent wonderful essence bound any these comments own just take discard rest. message remind everyone publicly well privately. hope keep writing. 82050 re beneath the lash revision 666 amy jude i get sense that even if this is just a bit of playing on its own it will go into your morgue and you pull out again when larger connection ties in. there some imagery here really works well for me love dry cave my palms things along with . do like better without line about salves. had to give suggestions where or what sharpen would be metaphors working as whole shadows are personified now house perhaps greater animal i'm thinking back cars beetles birds swarming insects which leaves wonder narrator's placement in scheme. think that's why speaks so much something hands being microcosm shelter maybe whipping doesn't work since imagine dark but calm. hope makes up off couch long stomach flu permit lol. anyway you've got definitely worth honing. have feeling analogy flit through head several times over coming months. very nice that. thanks reading afraid outdoors people. don't care they're all today swarm. road scuttle beetles. from fields trees reach them wildly. take us. they screech despair tear their hair toss about. wailing tremendous. sides home heave tremble day blisters upon windows hunched room sit stool perched cupped keyboard. words twist scrape against great blankness moves north. 82051 re a sweetness worth dying for ctg lauren chris this is off to an excellent start - very minimal. the first stanza in my opinion near-perfect. there dark visceral connection between scarlet crabs beautiful description itself and rape. image i will not be able shake awhile. problem lies only with last line of poem. by time appears second it has lost its original potency. also inclusion wet sand your tears relatively mundane disappointing context such powerful i'm completely sure what ending poem demands but don't think present one it. thanks posting much enjoyed though isn't quite word. definitely affected me that's good thing. so our love died over misunderstanding. just as on wedding night bermuda waves broke volcanic rocks scattering hoard land crabs. raped you did make things better. darkness shrouds everything cannot find candle measure life. gaze out sea spray face dream feverishly murder tears. christopher t. george 82053 re turquoise davida i find this poem to be somewhat full of expected images weighed down with things one finds at those little shops that dot the highways montana fake arrowheads and like. rubbing sticks is girl scout territory. native americans used flint. sorry couldn't more enthusiastic about this. it just strikes me as rather forced. d. these woods are littered indian relics sun-blanched skulls gifts ghosts revered if human. ve seen ferny shadows dance. roots trip up on my walks past foundations where trapper kept a dark-eyed woman for his guardian. she cost next nothing tribe glad rid her. pretty ones could bartered or sold crazy plain broken like brave s wild horse. but never tamed. you warn bears. say they from whom will need protection. buy string beads through unruly hair. place stone in each pocket send path. autumn hear weeping tell myself wind skittering leaves. winter ice storms bend willows saplings tinkling berries becomes brittle laughter. peer into pane root cellar miner lodged. somber brown eyes bears watch rub make fire her cold hands. call am back again employ offer silver tangled dark rope frozen 82054 re a story of worms in love amy laura it's not too big deal but if you could respond to poems under the poem itself instead my response it would cut down on number emails i get from block and appreciate it. welcome by way. thanks agree. like this poem. 82055 following a broken wing gary b fresh flakes cover the driveway drifts far lawn track of wounded bird scars new fallen snow. feathers blow into dormant rhododendrons charred gift wrapping beyond bare raspberry canes. mice learn where to sleep during unforeseen storms squirrels keep high limbs buried in acorns. winter flocks search for millet bread clear water instead they find hawk s hunger feline fun. she listens your car wings beneath tires. 82056 revised si mon waiting at the dentist for my name to be called i thumbed through issues of highlight magazine entranced by hidden picture puzzles. a toaster in trees chickadee pig s ear wrist watch ticking jungle moss. later children phase and out waldo searches eye spying. these days find what brings me joy are details. man training labrador pup grass head on-ramp. dog is on long black leash. has sit until palms treat. again again. finally bored puppy finds gray who knows bright once it was rag starts play. waits then war begins. he lifts teeth rag. up above weedy grass. air warm winter. search fork gravel needle clenched fist face too blue sky. 82057 re the bluff ivan waters hi. should i call you 82058 re a sweetness worth dying for ctg jude goodwin hello this is thoughtful poem and i enjoyed being placed in bermuda moment - it very cold here if we just removed the 'so' 'just as' our love died over misunderstanding. on wedding night dark waves broke volcanic rocks scattering hoard of scarlet land crabs. leaves one wondering how etc could be or course it's metaphoric metamorphic but think there more guidance reader sometimes poetic writing expect too much from poor readers. metaphor made difficult that does not further either 'our died' nor 'a misunderstanding' rather resulting experience breaking scattering. raped you did make things better. hate line. sure what poet intended by kinda like those 'duh' lines. darkness shrouds everything cannot find candle to measure life. gaze out sea spray my face dream feverishly murder crabs wet sand your tears. ending quite nice. thanks 82059 re turquoise barbara silberg lovely but i think this still has some rough edges. first trip me doesn't need the up next broken like a brave s wild horse. it's simile more factually it would be 'tamed' or 'gentled' horse since tribes gentled their horses. know that change tenor of poem to stick facts. and you don't . never tamed does fine on its lonesome. say they are ones from whom will protection reads bit formally try another tack put what into quotes maybe. i'd defined in as well. is mother sister keeper fathrer lover brother husband winter ice storms bend willows saplings tinkling berries becomes brittle laughter redundancies address mainly coupling with obvious two ice's. maybe use 'sleet bends' lue bothers me. see restructure these lines so it. rub sticks make fire rather desperate day age something 'strike flint tinder' match tinder.' back again employ her seems too much work for want here. keep love ending. -- always s. woods littered indian relics arrowheads sun-blanched skulls gifts ghosts revered if human. ve seen ferny shadows dance. roots my walks past foundations where trapper kept dark-eyed woman his guardian. she cost nothing tribe glad rid her. pretty could bartered sold crazy plain tamed. warn about bears. protection. buy string beads through unruly hair. place stone each pocket send down path. autumn hear weeping tell myself wind skittering leaves. laughter. peer pane root cellar miner lodged. somber brown eyes bears watch cold hands. call am offer silver tangled dark rope frozen 82060 re revised jude goodwin hello si mon. do they still make those magazines i loved them - the poem is pleasant. would love to see something meatier in center bracketed by first and last verses. more urgent writer than watching a dog. dog scenes magazine both have same overall dimension resulting quite flat. comments within. that final verse. waiting at dentist for my name be called thumbed through issues of highlight entranced hidden picture puzzles. toaster trees chickadee pig s ear wrist watch ticking jungle moss. this verse could tightened we need know you are your one or other suffice. it h mag rest works even if bit wordy ------------------------ later children phase out waldo searches eye spying. these days find what brings me joy details. introduction kind left field. consider deleting reference. start with 'these ' move into real. about days' poet man training labrador pup grass head on-ramp. on long black leash. has sit until palms treat. again again. finally bored puppy finds gray who knows bright once was rag starts play. waits then war begins. he lifts teeth rag. up above weedy grass. ------------------------- air warm winter. search fork gravel needle clenched fist face too blue sky. strong ending. deserves from 82061 re the bluff barbara silberg you show promise kid. love i cope infernally with noise and jealously pursue my words soul s ink dispersed. please use word amongst sparingly --like hardly ever. this needs less more objective observation. imagery will fill gaps. you've got a long ways to go before someone quotes or remembers your lines. just keep writing. you'll get there eventually. okay here is one wrote almost 3 years ago. hope enjoy. sitting benches lining rocky cliffs overlooking lake looking for in couples passing by so happy utterly together they stare mockingly at lonely frame hunched over scribbling futile notes mourn me if pause erase then keenly make out laughter of lovers not too distant all represent hereafter void sun sets into swallowing light fading evading am left alone walk stand limp restless nestled between two wobbly cliff sprouted trees mind jumps intensity haste swaying parchment summertime breeze dark locks flowing dangling waves below heart tow trembling memories sting eyes orange rays reflect dully them those muddy tunnels martyr fancy myself aged perfection twenty young reason while really finding be as forgettable tears translucently churning murky depths undistinguishable becoming waters even though ll eventually wash ashore skewing nature divinity never true belonging brace sharp intake breath falling crashing dispersed wetness conscience points home laura d. rodriguez 82062 re a sweetness worth dying for ctg christopher t george chris this is off to an excellent start - very minimal. the first stanza in my opinion near-perfect. there dark visceral connection between scarlet crabs beautiful description itself and rape. image i will not be able shake awhile. problem lies only with last line of poem. by time appears second it has lost its original potency. also inclusion wet sand your tears relatively mundane disappointing context such powerful i'm completely sure what ending poem demands but don't think present one it. thanks posting much enjoyed though isn't quite word. definitely affected me that's good thing. lauren hi many thoughts about they are appreciated. glad you felt impact as say per se pleasant experience. thank appreciation. all best 82063 re a sweetness worth dying for ctg christopher t george hello this is thoughtful poem and i enjoyed being placed in bermuda moment - it very cold here if we just removed the 'so' 'just as' our love died over misunderstanding. on wedding night dark waves broke volcanic rocks scattering hoard of scarlet land crabs. leaves one wondering how etc could be or course it's metaphoric metamorphic but think there more guidance reader sometimes poetic writing expect too much from poor readers. metaphor made difficult that does not further either 'our died' nor 'a misunderstanding' rather resulting experience breaking scattering. raped you did make things better. hate line. sure what poet intended by kinda like those 'duh' lines. darkness shrouds everything cannot find candle to measure life. gaze out sea spray my face dream feverishly murder crabs wet sand your tears. ending quite nice. thanks jude hi interesting reaction. seems lot people better most arresting line piece along with do appreciate feedback thoughts piece. many chris 82064 re following a broken wing barbara silberg buried in acorns squirrels bury the ground therefore this image is confused. feline fun it may be true but does nothing for poem. i'd rather see you end with hawk s hunger. much more dramatic. --barbara s. fresh flakes cover driveway drifts far lawn track of wounded bird scars new fallen snow. feathers blow into dormant rhododendrons charred gift wrapping beyond bare raspberry canes. mice learn where to sleep during unforeseen storms keep high limbs acorns. winter flocks search millet bread clear water instead they find hunger fun. she listens your car wings beneath tires. 82065 re the gardener's wife yoly jz this an amazing piece of work. you stayed with it through out both scenarios. bravo just seven i made a potion in terracotta pot. blades grass crabapple seed dandelion puffs dried up peonies other stuff. final touch -- three glops seasoned muck stirred hickory stick and stuck sunny spot to cure. vow. my husband doesn t know know. today found spoon half-buried beneath dogwood tree. he tries hide his musky breath shots whiskey. see seeds between teeth boot prints deep gardens. some nights before leaves still dumb sleep snake hand sheets him think is way make stay. when we first married passion was like anger on top me scowl hands clenched beside face dirt each nail. woman next-door meets at fence. anchored by our coffee cups chat about latest blooms. she knows have no use for pity. potions black as pitch rich home-brewed coffee. gardener s response gathers roly-polies from pillow them dish nightstand. longer wonders dark stains unusual places or questions humus cologne. stem her prattle fresh cut aster sprigs salvia. avoids me. become chameleon slip outside if drawn flickering glow streetlight always there lank weeds that edge curbs asphalt driveways are there. perennial. stare into yard spread zoysia dew wet mowed too short unkempt beds. can help it. hop fence deadhead mums notice yellow window. does how go so long without thinning clumps hemerocallis understand dangers watering night sense watches rest head acrid soil testing lips. 82066 re following a broken wing william gary my problems with this are barage of image metaphors many which could have carried the poem but all together just don't work.. it's like when you too headline actors in same flic.. also things fresh and new fallen for adjectives describing snow weak.. last line gave me som trouble.. might to ditch gift wrapping trope.. i idea mice learn where sleep it competes track wounded bird scarring feathers dormant rhodedendrons squirrels then flocks think should pare down iamges expand on one or two them. best cheers bill flakes cover driveway drifts far lawn scars snow. blow into rhododendrons charred beyond bare raspberry canes. during unforeseen storms keep high limbs buried acorns. winter search millet bread clear water instead they find hawk s hunger feline fun. she listens your car wings beneath tires. 82067 re following a broken wing christopher t george fresh flakes cover the driveway drifts far lawn track of wounded bird scars new fallen snow. feathers blow into dormant rhododendrons charred gift wrapping beyond bare raspberry canes. mice learn where to sleep during unforeseen storms squirrels keep high limbs buried in acorns. winter flocks search for millet bread clear water instead they find hawk s hunger feline fun. she listens your car wings beneath tires. hi gary nice air mystery about this one good details throughout. effective and evocative. all my best chris 82068 re turquoise laurie byro the imagery was lush and this kep me delightfully off-kilter. my only nit would be with rubbing sticks together for her cold hands. i could buy everything up until then as something real placed just so effect but no one really rubs to make fire... got an image of someone sighing blowing hair out face go on i'll spare you. maybe you gather thanks posting a good read amy very much shall consider gathering--we actually did few times old girl scout trick are right it's motha 82069 re turquoise laurie byro the power of mv exactly thanks michael 82070 re turquoise laurie byro i find this poem to be somewhat full of expected images weighed down with things one finds at those little shops that dot the highways montana fake arrowheads and like. rubbing sticks is girl scout territory. native americans used flint. sorry couldn't more enthusiastic about this. it just strikes me as rather forced. d. fine davida thanks you can please somma people time 82071 re of fish and men lynne matilda - thanks for stopping by i'm always smiling asking. best dear i have one question youz were you smilin when wrote this mati 82072 re a sweetness worth dying for ctg barbara silberg nice ironys. my only suggestion would be to change the line raping you did not make things better. in order get rid of that useless it. --barbara s so our love died over misunderstanding. just as on wedding night bermuda dark waves broke volcanic rocks scattering hoard scarlet land crabs. i raped but it darkness shrouds everything cannot find candle measure life. gaze out sea spray face dream feverishly murder crabs wet sand your tears. christopher t. george 82073 what you have missed brendan while were gone a christmas and this morning sleeping evergreens. the trees stacked themselves lying like refugees- five camps to every block of sidewalk. radio promises they will be carried. i been assured each fir shredded into mulch by an industrial woodchipper in thompkins square. winter has mild yes am older. thank for remembering. recently recieved dictionary fat as pregnant sow. begin new year refraining from certain words which become dirty addictions . hope these omissions keep my heart steady health well through february. two nights ago it rained on date historical snow. thought something fighting sleep. was worth passing ocean tires whisper wet road. hush. tide begs silence. i'm _______ you. wish regret trees. but is undertanding that their pulp nutrient rich. hairy bodies nourish substrate our municipal parks gardens saving valuable space. there are ornaments bobbing city tonight. i've brought basket net. angling school glass bulbs at range elusive hard shattering. promise would given catch. 82074 re what you have missed barbara silberg a bit rambling but interesting. 3 nits. typo alert undertanding needs an 's' their hairy bodies really ick. and i'm angling on school of glass bulbs incidently i love the last whimsical stanza. frankly it should stand alone or be joined by only first for greater impact. hope to been help. --barbara s. while were gone christmas this morning sleeping evergreens. trees stacked themselves lying like refugees- five camps every block sidewalk. radio promises they will carried. assured each fir shredded into mulch industrial woodchipper in thompkins square. winter has mild yes am older. thank remembering. recently recieved dictionary fat as pregnant sow. begin new year refraining from certain words which become dirty addictions . these omissions keep my heart steady health well through february. two nights ago rained date historical snow. thought something fighting sleep. was worth passing ocean tires whisper wet road. hush. tide begs silence. _______ you. wish regret trees. is that pulp nutrient rich. nourish substrate our municipal parks gardens saving valuable space. there are ornaments bobbing city tonight. i've brought basket net. at range elusive hard shattering. promise would given catch. 82075 re a sweetness worth dying for ctg christopher t george nice ironys. my only suggestion would be to change the line raping you did not make things better. in order get rid of that useless it. --barbara s excellent suggestion. thank barbara. all best chris 82076 re following a broken wing michael mv imho for your consideration and if i'm on the right track here of wounded bird scars snowed-in driveway. feathers blow into dormant rhododendrons charred tissue wrapping beyond bare raspberry canes. mice learn where to sleep during unforeseen storms squirrels keep high limbs buried in acorns. flocks searching millet bread clear water find instead hawk s hunger feline's claw. she hears motor turn wings beneath tires. 82077 treatment center 1988 bj life on life's terms the vacant blue sky and morning chill abrade senses once anesthetized. wind restless undirected i clutch at my too-thin coat. other addicts misfits wanderers seekers gravitate uncontrollably warily. like cold lifeless moons we vow silence this rude hour-- paths so close breaths commingle. trudge to iowa river beyond a dead end street vanish under abandoned trestle behind riverbank trees. scrunch below roots-- spider legs dangling from black loam silt. ignore drone of machinations-- flood obsessive meanderings. watch flow reflecting all it passes progressing slow steady within ever-changing boundaries. 82078 re interior shot bachelor's cottage laurel thank you mister sincerity. i appreciate your words and inlines. am consciously pushing myself trying to write outside of that box i'm so damned comfortable in thanks for noticing the difference. 82079 re interior shot bachelor's cottage laurel that's ms. not miss mister jones. grin miz. miz laurel. yes. i like better than or miss. mz. yeah dodge. i've loathed since my waitressing days years and ago. there is no more irritating sound that hissed of customers trying to flag you down for water coffee whatever when you're in the middle doing 500 hundred other things. i'm still amazed ever waited tables managed eventually become a good waitress because honestly organizational time management skills are um lacking people nil. hey thanks so much your words here. lately stuck couplet mode. sure why but damn gotta break hell out it. see me print think actually submit work before would happen ha ha. as always it's pleasure interact with dennis. mr. metz has it right - love voice only nits be intro don't need couplets used here they appear almost gimmick make look poem . hitting stride take some off drink wine magic spill from fertile brain yours. print. dennis 82080 thanks laura nm laurel 82081 re interior shot bachelor's cottage laurel oh i don't rule. you could fall at your feet on a daily basis after reading poetry crying i'm not worthy think already told that wasn't thrilled with this it felt too safe. never did go back and revise try to make stranger. perhaps i'll give stab. thanks for comments. keep them in mind when revise. laurel- hey. is different little. like see people stretch towards something new. the couplets. elisions particularly moving from image thought thought. great natural diction some of those moments depending who s looking how mirror unblinking eye. do there slightly much modification abstraction going if these two were just ever so reduced result would be keener. instance why does chrome bar deserve modifying gleams as knows are use knowledge towel significant my understanding bachelor house etc am inclined guess no isn t important body text thus wonder we need read all. ditto long over an really sharp coats every surface floor dropped or flung dove tucked into itself its wings broken where was heart break tucked. rule dennis metz point out hope know that. -hannah 82083 re what you have missed yoly brenden- i read with interest all the way through. some of language fresh and pictures nicely presented. enjoyed. peace while were gone a christmas this morning sleeping evergreens. trees stacked themselves lying like refugees- five camps to every block sidewalk. radio promises they will be carried. been assured each fir shredded into mulch by an industrial woodchipper in thompkins square. winter has mild yes am older. thank for remembering. recently recieved dictionary fat as pregnant sow. begin new year refraining from certain words which become dirty addictions . hope these omissions keep my heart steady health well through february. two nights ago it rained on date historical snow. thought something fighting sleep. was worth passing ocean tires whisper wet road. hush. tide begs silence. i'm _______ you. wish regret trees. but is undertanding that their pulp nutrient rich. hairy bodies nourish substrate our municipal parks gardens saving valuable space. there are ornaments bobbing city tonight. i've brought basket net. angling school glass bulbs at range elusive hard shattering. promise would given catch. 82084 re following a broken wing yoly gary- i enjoyed this though feline fun doesn't quite figure. peace fresh flakes cover the driveway drifts far lawn track of wounded bird scars new fallen snow. feathers blow into dormant rhododendrons charred gift wrapping beyond bare raspberry canes. mice learn where to sleep during unforeseen storms squirrels keep high limbs buried in acorns. winter flocks search for millet bread clear water instead they find hawk s hunger fun. she listens your car wings beneath tires. 82086 rearranging yoly you were like late may the promise of wide-open heat rioting air warmer than any night in april. dipped teasingly fingers a green palm before voltage rain. went away. bee's farewell kiss it stung. today i heard rings wedding pageantry unattended seeds began to push except meant be spring light wind passing vapors song tingeing bird's bill silence my womb never filled with all your muse. reach didn't end me. 82087 re treatment center 1988 jenny bj-- this started off evocatively but ended dry. the idea of a river's boundaries and that word never ending sew atmosphere up name it cliche it. i wanted flood obsessive... to speak ending. other than loved this. life on life's terms vacant blue sky morning chill abrade senses once anesthetized. wind restless undirected clutch at my too-thin coat. addicts misfits wanderers seekers gravitate uncontrollably warily. like cold lifeless moons we vow silence rude hour-- paths so close breaths commingle. trudge iowa river beyond dead end street vanish under abandoned trestle behind riverbank trees. scrunch below roots-- spider legs dangling from black loam silt. ignore drone machinations-- obsessive meanderings. watch flow reflecting all passes progressing slow steady within ever-changing boundaries. 82088 re treatment center 1988 bj glad you liked the poem for most part. part don't like doesn't exist there is no never ending in poem. it says ever-changing boundaries which i see as cliche and a fact about river's banks. rivers change their course over time constantly. sincerely bj-- this started off evocatively but ended dry. idea of that word sew atmosphere up name it. wanted flood obsessive... to speak ending. other than loved this. 82089 re rearranging hannah yoly this started promisingly so in fact that i was ready to declare it the best of yours ve read date. you just have some great stuff. voltage rain. rings wedding pageantry. wide-open heat. good strong verbs. colorful nouns. controlled modifiers. falls off at end think for a number reasons weaker language more clich melodrama bad metaphor my womb never be filled with all your muse and dissolution secondary reading poem seasonal rearrangement cyclical fertility etc. were like late may promise heat rioting air warmer than any night april. dipped teasingly fingers green palm before went away. bee's farewell kiss stung. today heard w edding pageantry unattended seeds began push except meant spring light wind passing this. very. very much. vapors song tingeing bird's bill silence muse. reach didn't me. don t can way fix by simple word manipulation. s retreat into bathetic seems intentional determine why how. bit might work. might. if kept check parallel metaphorical or whole built up better understood better. is fills physical last line though prophetic adds little an understanding poem. 82096 re rearranging amy yoly i thought the beginning of this was great as well. promise wide-open heat rioting air is perfect imo. hannah mentions some other moments think at end you get self-conscious what poem starts to touch on and lose it like wile e. coyote falls after he looks down into canyon. slow have much faith did that something there be said. thanks were late may warmer than any night in april. dipped teasingly fingers a green palm before voltage rain. went away. bee's farewell kiss stung. today heard rings wedding pageantry unattended seeds began push except meant spring light wind passing vapors song tingeing bird's bill silence my womb never filled with all your muse. reach didn't me. 82097 re rearranging yoly hi hannah- thank you for the suggestion and wonderful comments. i was actually rethinking that womb line decided to post see what reaction it might stir. reworked it. hopefully it's on track. again appreciate your candor. peace this started promisingly so in fact ready declare best of yours ve read date. just have some great stuff. voltage rain. rings wedding pageantry. wide-open heat. good strong verbs. colorful nouns. controlled modifiers. falls off at end think a number reasons weaker language more clich melodrama bad metaphor my never be filled with all muse dissolution secondary reading poem seasonal rearrangement cyclical fertility etc. were like late may promise heat rioting air warmer than any night april. dipped teasingly fingers green palm before went away. bee's farewell kiss stung. today heard w edding pageantry unattended seeds began push except meant spring light wind passing this. very. very much. vapors song tingeing bird's bill silence muse. reach didn't me. don t can way fix by simple word manipulation. s retreat into bathetic seems intentional determine why how. bit work. might. if kept check parallel metaphorical or whole built up better understood better. is fills physical last though prophetic adds little an understanding poem. 82098 rearranging revised yoly you were like late may the promise of wide-open heat rioting air warmer than any night in april. dipped teasingly fingers a green palm before voltage rain. went away. bee s farewell kiss it stung. today i heard rings wedding pageantry unattended seeds began to push except meant be spring light wind passing vapors song tingeing bird bill. will not swarm my garden. your reach didn t end with me. orig bee's bird's bill silence womb never filled all muse. didn't 82099 re rearranging yoly hi amy- thank you muchly. you're right about being self-conscious as i trodded along. a revision has been posted. peace thought the beginning of this was great well. promise wide-open heat rioting air is perfect imo. hannah mentions some other moments think at end get what poem starts to touch on and lose it like wile e. coyote falls after he looks down into canyon. slow have much faith did that something there be said. thanks amy 82101 following a broken wing - revised gary b fresh flakes cover the driveway drifts far lawn track of wounded bird scars new fallen snow. feathers blow into dormant rhododendrons charred gift wrapping beyond bare raspberry canes. mice learn where to sleep during unforeseen storms squirrels keep heights buried in acorns. winter birds search for millet bread clear water instead they find hawk s hunger feline games. she listens his car wings beneath tires. 82102 once still amy she likes the time they barely moved folded together felt his fervence and lingered through actions too small for wanted use like matches unstruck challenged subtlety of flint until their laughter shook bed. i'll have to remember that one he said. 82103 re following a broken wing gary b depends on the forest nuts and squirrel type. fun gone. i wanted rhyme with hun-ger but it does not work as you note. now games. thanks. buried in acorns squirrels bury ground therefore this image is confused. feline may be true nothing for poem. i'd rather see end hawk s hunger. much more dramatic. --barbara s. 82104 re following a broken wing gary b william you may be right though there is only really one metaphor perhaps piled on. time to marinate. thanks. my problems with this are barage of image metaphors many which could have carried the poem but all together just don't work.. it's like when too headline actors in same flic.. also things fresh and new fallen for adjectives describing snow weak.. last line gave me som trouble.. might ditch gift wrapping trope.. i idea mice learn where sleep it competes track wounded bird scarring feathers dormant rhodedendrons squirrels then flocks think should pare down iamges expand on or two them. best cheers bill 82105 re following a broken wing gary b hi nice air of mystery about this one good details throughout. effective and evocative. all my best chris thanks much. perhaps you could talk to... belay that. smiles. 82106 re following a broken wing gary b mv most of the time you are. here i need to think. snow is fresh though not snowed in. thanks. imho for your consideration and if i'm on right track wounded bird scars snowed-in driveway. feathers blow into dormant rhododendrons charred tissue wrapping beyond bare raspberry canes. mice learn where sleep during unforeseen storms squirrels keep high limbs buried in acorns. flocks searching millet bread clear water find instead hawk s hunger feline's claw. she hears motor turn wings beneath tires. 82107 re following a broken wing gary b gary- i enjoyed this though feline fun doesn't quite figure. peace yoly thanks. gone see below. 82108 re following a broken wing gary b your comments always appreciated even when.... smiles. i checked eliot's on poetry and poets out of the library yesterday. will probably start with chapter what is minor to me all images relate end but then can't stand far enough away see... thanks for read. gary- i'm pretty much an echo william. found this over-written cluttered certainly over-modified. was reading one galvin's essays yesterday in which he talks about necessity writing nature also escaping from its constrictive privateness vagueness...something suppose like quetchenbach argues...that american often profoundly confessional...entirely cloaked private experience nature...or anti-portentous-hush crowd... think these sorts criticisms pertinent particular poem had difficulty extracting something worthy second sorry couldn't be more positive chance read respond. -hannah 82109 re once still gary b amy i see considerabley different punctuation to make the read smoother. thanks. she likes time they barely moved folded together felt his fervence and lingered through actions too small for wanted use like matches unstruck challenged subtlety of flint until their laughter shook bed. i'll have remember that one he said. 82110 re rearranging revised gary b yoly a good revision better end. i would let the likes be understood. thanks. you were like late may promise of wide-open heat rioting air warmer than any night in april. dipped teasingly fingers green palm before voltage rain. went away. bee s farewell kiss it stung. today heard rings wedding pageantry unattended seeds began to push except meant spring light wind passing vapors song tingeing bird bill. will not swarm my garden. your reach didn t end with me. orig 82111 re treatment center 1988 jenny hi bj-- i wanted to clarify why your last strophe sounded cliche me. it takes the theme of addiction and tries root into a wisdom saying imo. you mentioned that some ideas come from herclitus. river as trope for thoughts shore ever changing amorphous entity we call mind is used all over place especially in buddist taoist zennist traditions. find counterproductive poem subject matter wanderings mind. after second read will say agree with other critic. what bothers me reread this pat simple conclusion. effect encapsulate whole igoring or perhaps if we're speaking point view traditions witnessing. however have problem because s1 suggests effects anesthetia are still pertinent active. wind restless there caution...and yet statement seemed somewhat conclusive like an new age epigram. life on life's terms vacant blue sky morning chill abrade senses once anesthetized. undirected clutch at my too-thin coat. addicts misfits wanderers seekers gravitate uncontrollably warily. cold lifeless moons vow silence rude hour-- paths so close breaths commingle. trudge iowa beyond dead end street vanish under abandoned trestle behind riverbank trees. scrunch below roots-- spider legs dangling black loam silt. ignore drone machinations-- flood obsessive meanderings. watch flow reflecting passes progressing slow steady within ever-changing boundaries. 82112 re treatment center 1988 gary b two issues. first other addicts misfits wanderers seekers gravitate no alternatives please you either know or don't. i the reason include them but they are a bump to me. and that starts last 3 stanzas too many by one maybe two. not sure second s could go there would still be at start of s. further in though... thanks. life on life's terms vacant blue sky morning chill abrade senses once anesthetized. wind restless undirected clutch my too-thin coat. uncontrollably warily. like cold lifeless moons we vow silence this rude hour-- paths so close breaths commingle. trudge iowa river beyond dead end street vanish under abandoned trestle behind riverbank trees. scrunch below roots-- spider legs dangling from black loam silt. ignore drone machinations-- flood obsessive meanderings. watch flow reflecting all it passes progressing slow steady within ever-changing boundaries. 82113 re treatment center 1988 bj the reality is people who have drug addictions don't know how to live life on life's terms. they are looking for a way out. always tools meet life. when can ignore obsession and stop dwelling thoughts that continually lead them astray then maybe new thought emerge. individual in this poem makes break last stanza has glimmer of hope his awareness river's steady slow movement forward within an ever-changing world boundaries he some serenity begins i was addict shooting heroin cocaine narcotics all kinds so where speak. about change not obsessive meanderings. sincerely hi bj-- wanted clarify why your strophe sounded cliche me. it takes theme addiction tries root into wisdom saying imo. you mentioned ideas come from herclitus. river as trope shore ever changing amorphous entity we call mind used over place especially buddist taoist zennist traditions. find counterproductive subject matter wanderings mind. after second read will say agree with other critic. what bothers me reread pat simple conclusion. effect encapsulate whole igoring or perhaps if we're speaking point view traditions witnessing. however problem because s1 suggests effects anesthetia still pertinent active. wind restless there caution...and yet statement seemed somewhat conclusive like age epigram. 82115 re december 26 2004 annmarie eldon i know said this was up for ibpc but have had it considered a print journal here in the uk - i'd really like to get into so i'm not putting am grateful acknowledgement. also extremely attention everyone gave i'll put another note later at bottom of thread. that's 2xgratefuls it's been long day. v best 82116 dear thread and esp. amy annmarie eldon thank you all for the help i got with this little poem. it is being considered a print journal here in uk which has always turned down my work before - really want to get into one... so very big load of karma back. i'm pleased stuck around that let us put does pay off. that's 4xreallys can do nothing but repeat myself long day ga-ga tc. sincerest 82117 re treatment center 1988 revised barbara silberg let me first say what i liked like cold lifeless moons we vow silence this godless hour-- paths so close our breaths commingle and scrunch below roots-- spider legs dangling from black loam silt good images but would to see you vary your sentence structure a bit get rid of all those i's. example ing -- ignore the drone machinations flood obsessive meanderings. watch river flow reflecting it passes progressing slow steady within ever-changing boundaries. that way tie speaker into ever-changing. think about it. --barbara s. life on life's terms vacant blue sky morning chill abrade senses once anesthetized. wind is restless undirected clutch at my too-thin coat. other addicts misfits wanderers seekers congregate warily. commingle. trudge iowa beyond dead end street vanish under abandoned trestle behind riverbank trees. silt. machinations-- 82118 re once still barbara silberg i'd like to see this with fewer pronouns. --barbara s. she likes the time they barely moved folded together felt his fervence and lingered through actions too small for wanted use matches unstruck challenged subtlety of flint until their laughter shook bed. i'll have remember that one he said. 82119 re once still annmarie eldon i've just been reading an interesting little essay entitled the history of punctuation from size thoughts by nicholson baker. he has some fascinating stuff to say about commash semi-commash and colash used in victorian literature thackeray george eliot carlyle then proust early updike oh rushdie course. i am what jealous this poem for it presents opportunity use them. suggestions she likes time they barely moved folded together felt his fervence lingered through actions too small wanted use. like matches un- struck. challenged subtlety flint until their laughter shook bed. i'll have remember that one said. 82120 re rearranging annmarie eldon i love this but although shouldn't agree with anyone else bla the thread do think it trailed off. have a suggestion to make for end. you were like late may promise of wide-open heat rioting air warmer than any night in april. dipped teasingly fingers green palm before voltage rain. went away. bee's farewell kiss stung. today heard rings wedding pageantry unattended seeds began push except meant be spring light wind passing vapors song tingeing bird's bill silence my womb never filled all your muse. reach end didn't me. so that 82121 re the bluff annmarie eldon firstly i think we're not necessarily here to enjoy each other's poetry. seems an odd thing say but this is a workshop so present us with work that you might like changed. suggest sharp cut on take out cliches. it could be at least half its length or less. sitting amongst benches lining rocky cliffs overlooking lake looking for hope in couples passing by happy utterly together they stare mockingly my lonely frame hunched over scribbling futile notes mourn me if will pause erase then keenly make laughter of lovers too distant cope infernally noise and jealously pursue words all represent hereafter void fill sun sets into swallowing light fading evading am left alone walk stand limp restless nestled between two wobbly cliff sprouted trees mind jumps intensity haste swaying parchment summertime breeze dark locks flowing dangling waves below heart tow trembling memories sting eyes orange rays reflect dully them those muddy tunnels soul martyr fancy myself aged perfection twenty years young reason while really finding one as forgettable tears translucently churning murky depths undistinguishable becoming waters even though ll eventually wash ashore skewing nature s divinity never true belonging brace intake breath falling crashing ink dispersed wetness conscience points home laura d. rodriguez 82123 re rearranging revised bowen yoly impressed with a lot of this. i think prefer the last strophe original over rewrite. what annmarie did it is keeper. second half still much weaker than first half. this keep at and get that up to par first. best a. you were like late may promise wide-open heat rioting air warmer any night in april. dipped teasingly fingers green palm before voltage rain. went away. bee s farewell kiss stung. today heard rings wedding pageantry unattended seeds began push except meant be spring light wind passing vapors song tingeing bird bill. will not swarm my garden. your reach didn t end me. orig 82124 re a sweetness worth dying for ctg bowen oh chris. that rape line has to go. it's so out-of-left-field and it certainly doesn't go glove-in-hand with the idea of traditional love. i'd also drop your tears at very end just put in you. i dunno. didn't like darkness shrouds. seems i've heard before. good poem though as usual . best a. our love died over misunderstanding. on wedding night bermuda dark waves broke volcanic rocks scattering hoard scarlet land crabs. raped you but did not make things better. shrouds everything cannot find candle measure life. gaze out sea spray my face dream feverishly murder crabs wet sand tears. christopher t. george 82125 re turquoise laurie byro thanks barbara edited above and i narrowed my list down to the 4 told you about last night with andre or venice winter moonight as alternatives want some up poems seemed depressing mary mag is being utilized in an ivan collab she's now atlantic city no kidding it works we are almost ready post think xooxo again for help. feel such guilt that am not doing share of crit here but honest god was 3 doctors offices yesterday at poetry circle until 8pm a storm advisory drive through all day. know everyone busy i'm so important hospital have come first yes be well talk soon 82126 re once still laurie byro she likes the time they barely moved folded together felt his fervence and lingered through actions too small for wanted use like matches unstruck challenged subtlety of flint until their laughter shook bed. i'll have to remember that one he said. i must be mad insane not angry this read smoothly me others are having punc issues see but threw admit liked poem it has its moment. 82127 re turquoise revised laurie byro these woods are littered with indian relics arrowheads sun-blanched skulls gifts to ghosts revered as if human. i ve seen ferny shadows dance. roots trip me on my walks past foundations where the trapper kept a dark-eyed woman for his own. she cost next nothing tribe glad be rid of her. pretty ones could bartered or sold crazy and plain gentled like brave s wild horse. never tamed. you warn about bears. say they from whom will need protection. buy string beads through unruly hair. place stone in each pocket send down path. autumn hear weeping tell myself it is wind skittering leaves. winter ice storms bend willows saplings tinkling berries hail muffles brittle laughter. peer into broken pane root cellar miner lodged. somber brown eyes bears watch gather sticks make fire her cold hands. call am trespassing again. offer silver tangled dark rope frozen 82128 re once still amy annmarie i'm trying to respond this without using the word delightful and finding that difficult. completely delightful. i want read article---honestly commash was fun with them. thanks for doing i've just been reading an interesting little essay entitled history of punctuation from size thoughts by nicholson baker. he has some fascinating stuff say about semi-commash colash used in victorian literature thackeray george eliot carlyle then proust early updike oh rushdie course. am what jealous poem it presents opportunity use suggestions 82129 re dear thread and esp. amy annmarie thanks for the warm fuzzy i could use it as it's going to get -22f -30c tomorrow i'm sending lots of good luck vibes getting into that journal. if they don't accept they're nuts. 4xreally glad having people critique my poems didn't turn me off poetry. in fact a lot fun with both giving receiving. recently got turned something else really important some reason yet unknown which involves heavy critiquing work. feared critiques might be blame somehow but now think were. until figure out probably long after hooked loving exchanges here. best wishes on acceptance thank you all help this little poem. is being considered print journal here uk has always down work before - want one... so very big load karma back. pleased stuck around let us put does pay off. that's 4xreallys can do nothing repeat myself day ga-ga tc. sincerest 82130 re once still amy laurie i think everyone must be mad. that's the only thing that keeps me from going thanks for chiming in giving flip side. it reads smoothly to but wasn't sure after reading else's comments if was because i'd heard so many times practised. fervence gave you pause eh when hit upon perfect. looked up just now read fervency is another way put would help or word itself i'm gratified too thought had a moment. used about three as long until realized one moment and framing responding mad insane not angry this others are having punc issues see threw admit liked poem has its 82131 re once still amy i'd like to see this with fewer pronouns. --barbara s. barbara thanks for the idea. i'll start a fine razor later tonight and how it feels. 82132 re once still amy gary thanks for the comment. i'm feeling very playful tonight maybe it was am's edit so i'll try some things later with that. appreciated i see considerabley different punctuation to make read smoother. thanks. 82133 ps on the emdash amy am or anyone else i'm still having problems with in html. any advice thanks advance 82134 the wheelwright's apotheosis william wheelwright s i am a in evening take broken spokeless warped splintered wheels roll neighbors and friends drop them off with faces like those who ve lost god. say to myself dust of my tools. respoke missing rub smooth angled untwist remake utterly ruined. work nights. lunch comes when sky is dark birdless. morning give back what have done smiles relief more can be done. will eat today because wheels. travel read love believe god smaller gods. 82135 re the wheelwright's apotheosis amy william favorite line way it hit me when i read neighbors and friends drop them off with faces like those who ve lost god... if'n you don't mind end because of wheels. will travel love today crafting paragons. this is but something which alludes to him being responsible for smaller gods just thoughts double didn't do some reason nor did repetition god oh they get wheels back want response matching potency their who've . smiles relief seems understated in comparison. they've found man lol thanks was fun wheelwright s am a evening take broken spokeless warped splintered roll god. say myself dust my tools. respoke missing rub smooth angled untwist remake utterly ruined. work nights. lunch comes sky dark birdless. morning give what have done more can be done. eat believe gods. 82136 re following a broken wing william hannah by any chance have you read much of emerson his essays in specific.. i'm reading collected works right now jsut finished nature american scholar and divinity school address thought it might be fun to bounce some thoughts questions off each other if you'd or the near future. cheers bill sorry hijack thread gary- pretty an echo william. i found this over-written cluttered certainly over-modified. was one galvin's yesterday which he talks about necessity writing poetry but also escaping from its constrictive privateness vagueness...something suppose like quetchenbach argues...that is often profoundly confessional...entirely cloaked private experience with nature...or anti-portentous-hush crowd... think these sorts criticisms pertinent particular poem had difficulty extracting something worthy second read. couldn't more positive thanks for respond. -hannah 82137 re once still laurie byro i think everyone must be mad. that's the only thing that keeps me from going thanks for chiming in giving flip side. it reads smoothly to but wasn't sure after reading else's comments if was because i'd heard so many times practised. fervence gave you pause eh when hit upon perfect. looked up just now read fervency is another way put would help or word itself i'm gratified too thought had a moment. used about three as long until realized one moment and framing responding amy me. dunno makes of reverence something breaks dreams 82138 re once still amy fever-ence lol. that's it fervency would help for me. i dunno fervence makes me think of reverence or something breaks the dreams thanks laurie 82139 immigration jenny lehman white and the memory of wedding days. snow unfurls a bolt bridal cloth city is not destroyed but yields. here in these streets streets. venders smoked chicken hoods toques clearings plough. before zamboni erases blade marks. after dog pees on speckled yellow. solo. an empty guitar case with layer snow. this apartment there one room reserved for mounting itself unable to combine into pear or pearl leechie. fleece blanket armoire. burnt ash hoisted by wind lifted its near weightless expression. calico sheets are icy. where silence leaves no tracks thought could darken melt eyelash flicked shut. walls be escarpment cool hands linked. revolving doors mind lead gust shut mouth. unmelt summer haze disembarking plane. ditch water spurious foam gathering around melting holes. perpetual aftermath something yet able touched. snowy owl wings swoops down field mouse. mouse squirming finally giving need larger than itself. ancestry. alphabet being white. 82140 re the wheelwright's apotheosis michael mv this appealed to me. consider as title esp given 1st line which i'm suggesting i am a wheelwright. in evening take broken. then spokeless warped splintered aren't needed they appear later poem. but let me continue by way of illustration instead tell imho for your consideration wheels roll neighbors and friends drop them off with faces like those who ve lost god. say myself dust my tools. respoke missing rub smooth angled untwist remake utterly ruined. work nights. lunch comes when sky is birdless. morning smiles relief give back what have done. will eat today thanks wheels. travel read love believe god because lesser gods. workshop experience here. 82142 re immigration jack m hi jenny. this is an interesting poem. takes some real swoops and risks. feels like it's dealing with issues larger than willing to admit upfront. race. seems of the phrasing weaker other phrasing. i've used brackets suggest cuts that might make phrases stronger or even more my mind. however i'm probably suggesting cutting way too much. be places add in their but i don't have anything suggest. hope you find suggestions useful. white memory wedding days. snow unfurls a bolt bridal cloth city not destroyed yields . here these streets streets. vend o rs smoked chicken hoods toques clearings plough. before zamboni erases blade marks after dog pees on speckled yellow solo. empty guitar case layer snow. apartment there one room reserved for mounting itself unable combine into pear pearl leechie. fleece blanket armoire. burnt ash hoisted by wind lifted its near weightless expression calico sheets. are icy. where silence leaves no tracks thought could darken melt eyelash .f f licked shut t he walls escarpment cool hands linked. revolving doors mind lead gust mouth. unmelt summer haze disembarking plane. ditch water spurious foam gathering around melting holes. perpetual aftermath something yet able touched. snowy owl wings down field mouse. mouse squirming finally giving need itself. ancestry. alphabet being white. 82143 re the wheelwright's apotheosis jack m hi william interesting poem. compelling simple voice. this seems like it starts at line 4 to me. first three lines feel engine revving. smiles feels a word that's out of place in i also wonder about insertion future tense end. instead will eat today because perhaps just etc. hope helps some. nice wheelwright s am evening take broken spokeless warped splintered wheels roll neighbors and friends drop them off with faces those who ve lost god. say myself dust my tools. respoke missing rub smooth angled untwist remake utterly ruined. work nights. lunch comes when sky is dark birdless. morning give back what have done relief more can be done. wheels. travel read love believe god smaller gods. 82144 re once still jack m she likes the time they barely moved folded together felt his fervence and lingered through actions too small for wanted use like matches unstruck challenged subtlety of flint until their laughter shook bed. i'll have to remember that one he said. amy i this all. however if you want fool with it some more i'd push harder on remarks. how else can poem end me subtle motion culminating in bed shaking didn't seem adequately served by final remark. forgive pun anticlimactic. exit steps denoument. liked annmarie's punc suggestions. i'm going go dig out my copy size thought. 82145 blank page jack m it has the unassuming face of a burnt-out candle. --velimir khlebnikov isn't candle that will save you. is day's unscrupulous miniature. under questioning gives out location each darkness unspent still charred and burnt drifting back forth like above gown revealing things thought unthought. cripple memory urge imperceptible. light unable to larger assuming attention night s seeming emptiness noises the-- out. what left hand knows has. but without light. 82146 html annmarie eldon if you type 8 2 1 but leave out all the spaces between it should come as for other code go to characters 82147 re blank page annmarie eldon i have some line break suggestions which did my usual and with but it got too complicated so sorry i've completely rehashed your poem on the page. has unassuming face of a burnt-out candle. --velimir khlebnikov isn't candle that will save you is day's unscrupulous miniature. under questioning gives out location each darkness unspent still-charred burnt drifting back forth above gown revealing things thought unthought. cripple memory urge imperceptible. light unable to larger assuming attention night s seeming emptiness noises the-- out. what left hand knows has. without light. 82148 thanks am nm amy 82149 note to jack annmarie eldon excuse us amy but if you do reread take a look at his couple page essay ice storm written in 1991 - and prophetic mention of iraq might be something over p n. 82150 transfusion -- revised ctg christopher t george to barbara ostrander i can't stop the tumor growing in your lung and neither can new chemo that feds tried. i'm grateful instead of flying home for christmas with family you stay here attend my lecture. they've removed pik from arm rejoice at prospect a shower first since february. we battle heavy rains fog accident-related jams reach late church our spaghetti supper crowd expectant before white screen podium. rotarians welcome us after bite launch into talk long-ago war jamming projector worked manually by helper as charge through spiel. now next morning slosh still-dark baltimore get ready take flight back kentucky. think about almost miss turn poe's grave head washington return hired car go work line rear lights ahead red corpuscles flowing nation's body politic. t. 82151 re turquoise christopher t george these woods are littered with indian relics arrowheads sun-blanched skulls gifts to ghosts revered as if human. i ve seen ferny shadows dance. roots trip me up on my walks past foundations where the trapper kept a dark-eyed woman for his guardian. she cost next nothing tribe glad be rid of her. pretty ones could bartered or sold crazy and plain broken like brave s wild horse. but never tamed. you warn about bears. say they from whom will need protection. buy string beads through unruly hair. place stone in each pocket send down path. autumn hear weeping tell myself it is wind skittering leaves. winter ice storms bend willows saplings tinkling berries becomes brittle laughter. peer into pane root cellar miner lodged. somber brown eyes bears watch rub sticks make fire her cold hands. call am back again employ offer silver tangled dark rope frozen hi laurie this another very fine poem you. strong narrative good imagery throughout. beautiful evocative usual your works story told characteristic poetry. only has few problems think mostly last stanza-- -- prosey not well stated. too many modifiers here laurie. can simplify easily enough. best luck finalizing thanks sharing us at writer's block. all chris 82152 re blank page christopher t george it has the unassuming face of a burnt-out candle. --velimir khlebnikov isn't candle that will save you. is day's unscrupulous miniature. under questioning gives out location each darkness unspent still charred and burnt drifting back forth like above gown revealing things thought unthought. cripple memory urge imperceptible. light unable to larger assuming attention night s seeming emptiness noises the-- out. what left hand knows has. but without light. hi jack you have some provocative ideas good imagery here although i think your wording bit ponderous in places. do philosophy expressed limited by other choices. of... construction appears me problematic such short poem. nonetheless wordplay where meaningful. might be less we know from quote so am not sure gain with this piece fine possibilities headed right direction. possibly can revise give us more than sorry must viewed extent as gimmickry. chris 82153 re immigration christopher t george white and the memory of wedding days. snow unfurls a bolt bridal cloth city is not destroyed but yields. here in these streets streets. venders smoked chicken hoods toques clearings plough. before zamboni erases blade marks. after dog pees on speckled yellow. solo. an empty guitar case with layer snow. this apartment there one room reserved for mounting itself unable to combine into pear or pearl leechie. fleece blanket armoire. burnt ash hoisted by wind lifted its near weightless expression. calico sheets are icy. where silence leaves no tracks thought could darken melt eyelash flicked shut. walls be escarpment cool hands linked. revolving doors mind lead gust shut mouth. unmelt summer haze disembarking plane. ditch water spurious foam gathering around melting holes. perpetual aftermath something yet able touched. snowy owl wings swoops down field mouse. mouse squirming finally giving need larger than itself. ancestry. alphabet being white. hello jenny nice largely successful prose poem even if imagery equated days expected. repetition good. too meaningful once let alone three times. you can do better as have most rest work. might okay sounds bit pop culturish. windmills mind. i am sure how -- clever what does it mean almost few things attending to. good luck finalizing it. all my best chris 82154 re rearranging revised yoly thank you gary. peace a good revision better end. i would let the likes be understood. thanks. gary 82158 merci jack jenny jack-- thanks muchly. i haven't let this poem sit and open up yet. when began it was simply writing about snow in second revision seemed language erasure of older linguistic forms sort of. ha. well have my work cut out for me would seem. the book you asked a earlier post is called ethel wilson forget name author. time spent here. will certainly take remarks consideration rethinking how to strengthen - sincerely jenny. hi an interesting poem. takes some real swoops risks. feels like it's dealing with issues larger than willing admit upfront. race. seems phrasing weaker other phrasing. i've used brackets suggest cuts that might make phrases stronger or even more mind. however i'm probably suggesting cutting way too much. be places add their but don't anything suggest. hope find suggestions useful. 82159 re immigration jenny hello dear christopher-- thanks for your comments. i especially liked the pop culturish point you made. since am living in a cave of sorts these things escape me. merci beaucoup... - nice and largely successful prose poem even if white imagery equated with wedding days is expected. here streets streets. this repetition not good. too meaningful once let alone three times. can do better as have most rest work. revolving doors mind might be okay but sounds bit culturish. windmills mind. sure how ditch water could spurious -- clever what does it mean almost there need few attending to. good luck finalizing it. all my best chris 82160 re blank page jenny dear jack this is a probing piece of writing. reminded be the advaitan neti approach to self enquiry. i like title and how it serves as sort alternate way reading poem. there are places where language becomes bit clunky imo somewhat vague in day's unscrupulous miniature things thought unthought larger assuming unassuming. alone these stand interesting philosophical ideas but suppose would them fleshed out imagery. maybe i'll take liberty bracketing that were clear enough you could dream up some other lines. am your faithful friend god. btw novel was called hetty dorval by ethel wilson... has unassuming face burnt-out candle. --velimir khlebnikov isn't candle will save you. miniature. under questioning gives location each darkness unspent still charred burnt drifting back forth above gown revealing unthought. cripple memory urge imperceptible. light unable attention night s seeming emptiness noises the-- out. what left hand knows has. without light. 82161 fractured wings gary b in broken i let form control the poem interested maintaining an even line count of 11 something seldom do these days but that may have made work heavier than is necessary. a lesson knew one seem to need relearn from time time. enjoy. as powder drifts against garage and charred paper across lawn curled feathers escape into wind wound mars snow s thin surface. mice learn where sleep squirrels store their harvest. sparrows search for bread clear water only find hawk hunger cats. she listens his car beneath tires. 82162 re turquoise revised barbara silberg hey hospital and circle are more important -- anyday. only a couple nits left that i didn't address before. i'd take the dash out of woman am to make it ambiguous. tend agree with chris there may be too many modifers in last line. maybe dark put brown its place --barbara s. these woods littered indian relics arrowheads sun-blanched skulls gifts ghosts revered as if human. ve seen ferny shadows dance. roots trip me on my walks past foundations where trapper kept dark-eyed for his own. she cost next nothing tribe glad rid her. pretty ones could bartered or sold crazy plain gentled like brave s wild horse. never tamed. you warn about bears. say they from whom will need protection. buy string beads through unruly hair. stone each pocket send down path. autumn hear weeping tell myself is wind skittering leaves. winter ice storms bend willows saplings tinkling berries hail muffles brittle laughter. peer into broken pane root cellar miner lodged. somber eyes bears watch gather sticks fire her cold hands. call trespassing again. offer silver tangled rope frozen 82163 re blank page bj this is wonderful especially like the lines starting with unassuming darkness . i think annmarie's restructuring was very interesting and fit poem well. sincerely it has face of a burnt-out candle. --velimir khlebnikov isn't candle that will save you. day's unscrupulous miniature. under questioning gives out location each unspent still charred burnt drifting back forth above gown revealing things thought unthought. cripple memory urge imperceptible. light unable to larger assuming attention night s seeming emptiness noises the-- out. what left hand knows has. but without light. 82164 re the wheelwright's apotheosis barbara silberg cool. a couple of nits. 1. if broken or utterly ruined how can wheel roll in i'd like different verb. 2. i will eat today because wheels. distracts from theme for me. you've already mentioned lunch so why state obvious --barbara s. wheelwright s am evening take spokeless warped splintered wheels neighbors and friends drop them off with faces those who ve lost god. say to myself dust my tools. respoke missing rub smooth angled untwist remake ruined. work nights. comes when sky is dark birdless. morning give back what have done smiles relief more be done. travel read love believe god smaller gods. 82166 re transfusion -- revised ctg barbara silberg i'd like to see this cut the bare essence add images as strong last and leave out your speil rotarians. thus her chemo need for traffic into dc. --barbara s. ostrander i can't stop tumor growing in lung neither can new that feds tried. i'm grateful instead of flying home christmas with family you stay here attend my lecture. they've removed pik from arm rejoice at prospect a shower first since february. we battle heavy rains fog accident-related jams reach late church our spaghetti supper crowd expectant before white screen podium. rotarians welcome us after bite launch talk long-ago war jamming projector worked manually by helper charge through spiel. now next morning slosh still-dark baltimore get ready take flight back kentucky. think about almost miss turn poe's grave head washington return hired car go work line rear lights ahead red corpuscles flowing nation's body politic. christopher t. george 82169 deer bj while everyone sleeps at the hour just before waking they come drawn by streetlights and shimmering glass. next morning a store window broken boarded up. sometimes warm body lies aside dismembered mannequins. if there isn t s fur blood mixed with lucky ones return to woods cornfields survivors of glittering world marked mystery soon forgotten. it like finding yourself in dead dream. slow drift from muted earth sudden echoes--clack concrete under hooves cognizance--inward turn mind see reflection windowpane then frantic leap. 82170 re transfusion -- re-revised ctg christopher t george i'd like to see this cut the bare essence add images as strong last and leave out your speil rotarians. thus her chemo need for traffic into dc. --barbara s. thank you barbara. here is a major rewrite combining several poems. thanks support. barbara i. intaglio fire inside stone an image engraved in dark gem. you're icu nurse on arm wear pik plastic lizard. we meet lobby of sheraton my kentucky woman black glasses bethesda receive cancer treatment. you've climbed kilimanjaro twice shot own zebra its hide hangs wall cared rwandan war victims. tell me how broke protocol whisper dying whose family had been herded from room god loved her. about trip india nepal kenyan white girl. ii. bathe four-year-old boy with scabies city they call armpit his head open sore green pus battlefield microscopic mite. everywhere orphans buttocks fingers ears legs. feast dasain everything closed even pharmacy so mary ellen rummage cotton bales antipyuretic their fevers calamine lotion itching. drag infected mattresses orphanage set them fire. sparks drift spirits stars. iii. i can't stop tumor growing lung neither can new feds tried. i'm grateful that instead flying home stay attend lecture. they've removed rejoice at prospect shower first since february. now next morning slosh through still-dark baltimore get ready take flight back kentucky. think almost miss turn poe's grave washington line rear lights ahead red corpuscles flowing nation's body politic. t. 82171 thanks for responding yoly nm amy 82172 re blank page jack thanks annmarie for taking the time to push at this some. i appreciate your help. 82173 re blank page jack hi chris. thanks for noticing the gimmick of this exercise. i think that helped me find something interesting but maybe now it's served its purpose. appreciate help. 82174 re blank page jack thanks for the help jenny and teaching me term neti neti. too getting back to about ethel wilson. i'll read hetty dorval soon. 82175 re blank page jack m thanks bj. you make me think that maybe i should just pull all the stuff isn't compelling either cut it or rewrite it. actually guess that's what always do. for helping remember that. 82176 re blank page jack hannah i don't know how you do it digging into so many different poems here and all over the web sifting through soil of each to find both clods treasures. appreciate it. think have convinced me that should drop arbitrary form shave at this until content becomes flinty. wonder long will take. later. 82177 re blank page bj i didn't mean to give that impression. liked the entire poem just chose those lines as my favorite. thanks bj. you make me think maybe should pull all stuff isn't compelling either cut it or rewrite it. actually guess that's what always do. for helping remember that. jack 82178 lie in state jim corner favorite globes miniature scuptures layered tissue-wrap left ornament boxes our children's art- beneath them castaways interred to be resurrected when we've forgotten tear- white elephant gifts boxed for a second coming rest the fruitcake tins like stable-spun gold we'll exhume next winter's light. jdc 82179 re deer jim corner while everyone sleeps at the hour just before waking they come drawn by streetlights and shimmering glass. next morning a store window broken boarded up. sometimes warm body lies aside dismembered mannequins. if there isn t s fur blood mixed with lucky ones return to woods cornfields survivors of glittering world marked mystery soon forgotten. it like finding yourself in dead dream. slow drift from muted earth sudden echoes--clack concrete under hooves cognizance--inward turn mind see reflection windowpane then frantic leap. hi bj i was not aware such accidents. are noble vulnerable creatures. you poem portrays them well. my best 82180 re fractured wings jim corner in broken i let form control the poem interested maintaining an even line count of 11 something seldom do these days but that may have made work heavier than is necessary. a lesson knew one seem to need relearn from time time. enjoy. hi gary poingant with very effective evocation. much enjoyed as powder drifts against garage and charred paper across lawn curled feathers escape into wind wound mars snow s thin surface. mice learn where sleep squirrels store their harvest. sparrows search for bread clear water only find hawk hunger cats. she listens his car beneath tires. 82181 re transfusion -- revised ctg jim corner to barbara ostrander i can't stop the tumor growing in your lung and neither can new chemo that feds tried. i'm grateful instead of flying home for christmas with family you stay here attend my lecture. they've removed pik from arm rejoice at prospect a shower first since february. we battle heavy rains fog accident-related jams reach late church our spaghetti supper crowd expectant before white screen podium. rotarians welcome us after bite launch into talk long-ago war jamming projector worked manually by helper as charge through spiel. now next morning slosh still-dark baltimore get ready take flight back kentucky. think about almost miss turn poe's grave head washington return hired car go work line rear lights ahead red corpuscles flowing nation's body politic. christopher t. george hi chris caught this one dmr but not sure if read revision. very fine best 82183 the living will michael snyder electric windows froze shut again in my life everything s clearly kept an arm length away. except for burger meals i ll open door stand up and pay man scuttle back behind wheel quick like a rewind listen to upholstery push gas through rubber hose home. if sun sunk peel free burger. chomp fry. gluttony indulged privacy of blinking engine light. oil needs changed. positively narcotic. according u.s. dept. aggravating agriculture m going hell not exercising 90 minutes day. 60 fine me. years. less you subsidize. taxes. easy on heart. live longer. what that smell kicks secret handshake is palm urinal cake uninitiated. can t get sweet off name tag says aid . who did oh piss it. she dying laid out yesterday chicken strip. saline sauce side. feel guilty bout that. all lawyered up. fries spotted cheese slashed. 82184 re lie in state michael snyder hi jim. for some reason i'm feeling as thought the images are authentic while voice isn't. is that possible heck probably doesn't make sense but it's what thinking. only line not computing l6. last word has me stymied either way. i don't think tear teardrop correct rip hmmm. seem given holiday. having trouble imagining them forgotten. i'd cut your . liked. regards 82185 re deer michael snyder oh i dug this. except for that aside . distracting. i'm thinking you might delete there's and insert instead at the end of sentence. something about contraction isn't sitting right. there is doesn't sit right either. course then it loses its standing as a proper maybe before cornfield just hooves cognizance image strains bit me. hoof well. in last line. very intriguing piece. enjoyed. kindest regards 82186 the crunch geoff . letting his footbridge call her chasm answer ignores snowcapped mountains press closer in standing upon tippy-toe she clambers through nostril wherefrom chutes to scoot off burning tongue. more pleasant than climbing tear ducts or ears though had once adored it clouds burst puts forest fire out till they too into flame and when fierce beast recalls a musty cave full of squalling young slays their latest benefactor one little gray eye running with sea salty tears never lover forget me ever leone 82187 none is needed laurel under my cooling breath i'd ask god 'who could love me gathered from ashes ' --joshua mehigan she playing dead at least we think bones picked clean or so imagines by the solitary buzzard wheeling over her head just a speck silhouette of which this distance cannot actually be labeled with any degree certainty--which begs question thing certain --so even s game- piece as lays in field perhaps really bed staring ceiling plaster swirls shape-shift vortexes to howling faces broken stalks corn book was reading--guess plath guess sexton--jab spine changes and details sky blue now grey sun blinding blinded clouds rain speckles cheeks not crying--how pathetic would that grieve own passing it happens--now loses count each cool exhaled forgets how inhale spin into whirlwind dust furs every surface tornadoes slow motion skin briefly resurrected crow flaps caws outside window never says word--no why no love--nor hums dirge since . noon. hourless. 82188 re lie in state jim corner hi jim. for some reason i'm feeling as thought the images are authentic while voice isn't. is that possible heck probably doesn't make sense but it's what thinking. only line not computing l6. last word has me stymied either way. i don't think tear teardrop correct rip hmmm. seem given holiday. having trouble imagining them forgotten. i'd cut your . liked. regards michael snyder thanks kind words. also wondering about voice. poem trimmed a bit more use to perhaps that's issue. actually portrayed our process of restoring ornaments it happens. 'tear' shed crying. again you helpful critique. my best 82189 re none is needed michael snyder oh well this lovely. you evoked gluck me. the wild iris poem . very nice. i suppose should know closing italics but don't. lemme google... a quick google didn't get me anything. what do that part's important though so i'm sure missing something. hope context of redeem stock crow image. did say lovely piece not epigraph unless it ties into end-poem in addition to opening salvo. that's such an easy nit pick feel like cheating even mentioning it. plath sexton... how about some less predictable choices could probably lose as happens doesn't seem by point. sky sun cloud rain imagery might be tad predictable. inspired final four words. delicious poem. regards 82190 re deer laurel hi bj made some changes first the opening lines are redundant---while everyone sleeps and at hour just before waking essentially one in same. why not go with is more evocative i think. next nix broken maybe. if you say window's been boarded up then that implied. it need be said kind of smoothed out blood fur line a bit. love this lucky ones return to woods cornfields survivors glittering world. that's seriously good bj. cognizance mind almost kicked me right poem. get them heck poem grin think what trying those loud clear---so words like aren't needed. okay here's my edit they come drawn by streetlights shimmering glass. morning store window up. sometimes body still warm lies beside dismembered mannequins. there's no there s shards. world marked mystery soon forgotten. finding yourself dead dream slow drift from muted earth sudden echoes clack concrete under hooves reflection windowpane frantic leap. leap too. only thing i'm really crazy about other than cognizant title. please beggging find better deserves could even call nothing else comes mind. too blatant easy. thanks for posting your giving opportunity read respond. enjoyed reading it. 82191 re fractured wings laurel could you be a bit more explicit regarding the form gary because i'm sitting here scratching my head at your comment that an even line count of eleven controls this poem. aside from small matter eleven's not number grin there's larger concern i only 9 lines here. so....what gives so what's and where heck are 10th 11th made some tiny changes got rid before powder as it was kept tripping me up. to in mice line. there one too many no 86'd those cats. thought hawk's hunger resonated loud clear diminished somewhat by drifts against garage charred paper across lawn curled feathers escape into wind wound mars snow s thin surface. learn sleep squirrels store their harvest. sparrows search for bread water find hawk hunger. she listens his car beneath tires. very changes. still if is know smallest can run whole thing ground forgive meddling. crazy about title but did enjoy reading 82192 re deer lauren bj i too enjoyed this poem quite a lot. essentially agree with all of laurel's suggestions but have an additional one for you. some reason the sudden shift to finding yourself in stanza four throws me off -- probably because there's no reference you anywhere else poem. i'd much prefer it read something along lines it's like being caught dead dream. see if can play around line excluding yourself. you're really on way very strong mystical while everyone sleeps at hour just before waking they come drawn by streetlights and shimmering glass. next morning store window broken boarded up. sometimes warm body lies aside dismembered mannequins. there isn t s fur blood mixed lucky ones return woods cornfields survivors glittering world marked mystery soon forgotten. slow drift from muted earth echoes--clack concrete under hooves cognizance--inward turn mind reflection windowpane then frantic leap. 82205 barn wedding bowen the women have sewn for weeks their thumbs raw from pin-pricks and peas needing shelling. of them one knew way to make a gown give in front so no would whisper much more than what'd been done already turned discounted bolt fabric into dress beautiful enough wedding. men gather out agree it's summer's growing undertow heat gathers like clenched fist that brings on family fields flat with longing or creaking barns airy lust. they've come dance these but mostly see bride new groom hell giving up good deer lease maybe will get along bride's friends there'll be again soon. both hope god nobody says pure as driven snow under breath when finally comes cool shade behind hay. 82209 re fractured wings bowen gary i remember not getting along with the last poem of yours that read but enjoyed this one a great deal. i'd like to see as taken out first line and dropped into beginning third line. dunno. by doing so it seemed give opening more strength. enjoyed. a.bowen in broken let form control interested maintaining an even count 11 something seldom do these days may have made work heavier than is necessary. lesson knew seem need relearn from time time. enjoy. powder drifts against garage charred paper across lawn curled feathers escape wind wound mars snow s thin surface. mice learn where sleep squirrels store their harvest. sparrows search for bread clear water only find hawk hunger cats. she listens his car beneath tires. 82210 re the crunch bowen geoff i'm not most astute reader so when i say don't follow what's going on in this it probably won't come as a surprise to many people. my opinion what poem needs is clear sense of narrative. i'd like little bit more detail--solid detail--rather than seems be abstract detail here. think concrete. hope that helps you out some. best a. . letting his footbridge call her chasm answer ignores snowcapped mountains press closer standing upon tippy-toe she clambers through nostril wherefrom chutes scoot off burning tongue. pleasant climbing tear ducts or ears though had once adored clouds burst puts forest fire till they too into flame and fierce beast recalls musty cave full squalling young slays their latest benefactor one gray eye running with sea salty tears never lover forget me ever leone 82211 re barn wedding michael mv made me think of some breghuel's genre peasant paintings and the ekphrastic poems wcw although your styling is a longer format to accomodate rustic vignette. enjoyed 82219 re mini-paws michael mv incubus 82220 the crows of wimberly drive si mon there are other birds a barred owl twice seen. once on split rail fence mid-day. one evening up in great oak. we stood driveway and stared as air grew dark unsure if branch watched was still right. unseen stand trees rise chatter. sign enough that wasn t sleepy. who cooks for you all. stick to shoulder casually scoot when i cruise by. know hawk is either new neighbor or suddenly not shy. first meet stares he topped swingset huge wooden crossbar. then morning bored usual look out upstairs bedroom window see flight. will toss my mother s bones over shoulder. yellow belly sapsucker swallows dew. hide their bluest feathers play piano dreams. sailor songs cantatas. m thinking about chunks life privileged to. time before knew wife. years children forget me. can make things up. mourn mornings. know. they tell me so. wife troubled by doors. sticks until kick it. close. she says house sinking. abandon ship. feel waves legs. wave drive. love them because at 82221 this one is right si mon the crows of wimberly drive there are other birds a barred owl twice seen. once on split rail fence mid-day. evening up in great oak. we stood driveway and stared as air grew dark unsure if branch watched was still right. unseen stand trees rise chatter. sign enough that can t sleep. who cooks for you all. stick to shoulder casually scoot when i cruise by. know hawk either new neighbor or suddenly not shy. first meet stares he tops swingset huge wooden crossbar. then morning bored usual look out upstairs bedroom window see flight. will toss my mother s bones over shoulder. yellow belly sapsucker swallows dew. hide their bluest feathers play piano dreams. sailor songs cantatas. m thinking about chunks life privileged to. time before knew wife. years children forget me. make things up. mourn mornings. know. they tell me so. wife troubled by doors. sticks until kick it. close. she says house sinking. abandon ship. feel waves legs. wave drive. love them because at 82222 re mini-paws si mon i would definately cut small from the first line and scraping' last -- no need to double modify. think other parts are taken one step too far this poem is good bbut it needs soften rhetoric som. enjoyed on quiet paws age has crept creeps into my bed. with a burbling purr cuddling close enough for its warm breath limber whiskers tickle fine lines in cheeks lies leaden breast engendering sweat as laps life s juices tiny maw hot scraping tongue. 82223 re barn wedding si mon i think this needs to be brought into the present tense -- first stanza. you have me until last stanza...then it seems ramble too much and lose some interest. women sow for weeks their thumbs raw from pin-pricks peas needing shelling. of them one knows way make a gown give in front so no whispers more than what'd been done already turn discounted bolt fabric dress beautiful enough wedding. 82224 re barn wedding si mon the women sew for weeks... not sow lol 82225 re none is needed si mon just a few things...i would cut the references to other poets -- some small changes... under my cooling breath i'd ask god 'who could love me gathered from ashes ' --joshua mehigan she playing dead at least we think bones picked clean or so imagines by solitary buzzard wheeling over her head speck silhouette of which this distance cannot actually be labeled right identified with any degree certainty--which begs question thing certain even s game- piece as lays in field perhaps really bed staring ceiling plaster swirls shape-shift vortexes howling faces broken stalks corn book was reading-- guess plath sexton --jab spine changes and details sky blue now grey sun blinding blinded clouds rain speckles cheeks not crying--how pathetic that grieve own passing it happens--now loses count each cool exhaled forgets how inhale spin into whirlwind dust furs every surface tornadoes slow motion skin briefly resurrected crow flaps caws outside window never says word--no why no love--nor hums dirge since . noon. hourless. 82232 re barn wedding bowen b thanks for the read and suggestions. i've fiddled with order of stanzas several times i'm still not happy arrangements so i'll definitely give your suggestions a try. again. a.b. cool. i really love s2 but few than what'd been done already is redundant. i'd cut it. put . after new dress remove next starting sentence men go from there. frankly like to see you reverse s3 ending this bang instead whisper. hope have help. --barbara s. 82233 re barn wedding bowen bj you're right about the voice. thanks for read and comments. they're appreciated. best a.b. my only problem with this poem is voice which undecided. it doesn't know if it's folksy or not. otherwise has some wonderful atmosphere description. sincerly 82234 re barn wedding bowen si thanks for the read. that final stanza does need to be trimmed down. i'll get back it and see what i can do it. again comments. best a.b. think this needs brought into present tense -- first stanza. you have me until last stanza...then seems ramble too much lose some interest. 82235 re barn wedding bowen geoff you sir are a man of refined taste lol thanks for the read and compliments. best a.b. re. bowen. fine realized piece work. 82236 re barn wedding bowen michael thanks for the thoughtful and earnest crit it's immensely appreciated. your edit has much merit i've printed it later reference. again attention you've given this piece. best a.b. i liked but felt language was falling all over itself trying to make its point. anyway offer a re-do you of what will. first stanza started in wrong tense that deer license stuff unimportant final stanza. used word way three times middle also condensed some content like changing so no one would whisper mute whispers kept restructured more impact. formatting problem from when cut paste caused line separate although maybe won't show up back response box. women sew weeks thumbs raw pin-pricks peas need shelling. knows gown give front others turn discounted bolt fabric into dress beautiful enough wedding. men gather out agree summer's growing undertow heat gathers clenched fist fields flat with longing airy barns creak lust. these hope god under their breath nobody bride comes cool shade behind hay says pure as driven snow . kindest regards snyder 82237 re barn wedding bowen mv thanks for the read and comments. wcw . that's more of a compliment than any i could think of. again. a.b. made me some breghuel's genre peasant paintings ekphrastic poems although your styling is longer format to accomodate rustic vignette. enjoyed 82238 re this one is right bowen si first i'll say that i'm reluctant to anything at all because the last time i offered my opinion on of your poems you didn't like it and me a lesson in semantics. but neither here nor there. as poem enjoyed for most part. think refrain crows wimbley drive gets little monotonous. am missing point probably. love strophe was initally lost by unsure if branch watched still had re-read. also confused we meet stares . line s3. four strophes are weaker than half or so. ears they seemed disconnected from first. good work. enjoyed. a.b. wimberly there other birds barred owl twice seen. once split rail fence mid-day. evening up great oak. stood driveway stared air grew dark right. unseen stand trees rise chatter. sign enough can t sleep. who cooks all. stick shoulder casually scoot when cruise by. know hawk either new neighbor suddenly not shy. he tops swingset huge wooden crossbar. then morning bored usual look out upstairs bedroom window see flight. will toss mother s bones over shoulder. yellow belly sapsucker swallows dew. hide their bluest feathers play piano dreams. sailor songs cantatas. m thinking about chunks life privileged to. before knew wife. years children forget me. make things up. mourn mornings. know. tell wife troubled doors. sticks until kick it. close. she says house sinking. abandon ship. feel waves legs. wave drive. them 82239 re mini-paws bowen b enjoyed. i'd cut small from the first line. also life juices. but my vote is to keep scraping in last scratching head though over engendering sweat. best a.b. on quiet paws age has crept into bed. and with a burbling purr cuddling close enough for its warm breath limber whiskers tickle fine lines cheeks it lies leaden breast sweat as laps s juices tiny maw hot tongue. 82240 re mini-paws asher this poems holds some interest for me. although the trope of age and movement a cat is undigested. ie how creeping into bed an adequate figure growing old intimation something there in but poem quickly writes over that or glosses it with congries heaping images so original strand lost. becomes eliptical unlikely contrived abundance modifiers. instance leaden on my breast seems to force feed intended narratorial meaning onto while whiskers point more suble less contrived. it's not clear by where narrator stands issue. she he comfortable as cuddling would suggest fearful sweat ambivalant ultimately ambivalance forced made asethetic. act writing deals issue leaves little reader. its own execution. says what fears say without saying it. thus though evasion theme question proposes. evades issues raises means aesthetics. last image deserves rewrite does conception poem. perhaps ingenuious use physicality text via white space etc. small quiet paws has crept bed. burbling purr close enough warm breath limber tickle fine lines cheeks lies engendering laps life s juices tiny maw hot scraping tongue. 82241 re barn wedding asher as emerson would say this poem conveys the ground tones of convetional life. it is traditional place a woman but offers no undercurrent commentary on these gender position. narrator comfortable with women gathered in their collective consciousness men places. history rewrites itself. have sewn for weeks thumbs raw from pin-pricks and peas needing shelling. them one knew way to make gown give front so whisper much more than what'd been done already turned discounted bolt fabric into dress beautiful enough wedding. gather out agree it's summer's growing undertow heat gathers like clenched fist that brings family fields flat longing or creaking barns airy lust. they've come dance mostly see bride new groom hell giving up good deer lease maybe will get along bride's friends there'll be again soon. both hope god nobody says pure driven snow under breath when finally comes cool shade behind hay. 82243 re none is needed asher dearest laurel-- please don't take this personally. i am thinking of less drama. why sexton plath as exemplifiers poetry do you want to be linked up with them picking bones how does one pick inadequate i'm glad in third person. but include we certainly think she playing dead. not so easily drawn into the arms a narrator even if deceptive - ok have named buzzard dislike solitary great deal can it next line ascertained what cannot labeled any degree certainty . simply silhouette anyway asking some harsh questions devil's advocate...the imagery somewhat predictable emotion being expressed crows her ashes. dunno. poem confessional blatantly so. and find bothersome at moment. just get sick sort subject matter way that treated. sure could publish though. love under my cooling breath i'd ask god 'who me gathered from ashes ' --joshua mehigan dead least picked clean or imagines by wheeling over head speck which distance actually certainty--which begs question thing certain --so s game- piece lays field perhaps really bed staring ceiling plaster swirls shape-shift vortexes howling faces broken stalks corn book was reading--guess guess sexton--jab spine changes details sky blue now grey sun blinding blinded clouds rain speckles cheeks crying--how pathetic would grieve own passing happens--now loses count each cool exhaled forgets inhale spin whirlwind dust furs every surface tornadoes slow motion skin briefly resurrected crow flaps caws outside window never says word--no no love--nor hums dirge since noon. hourless. 82244 re barn wedding bowen jude i really like the idea of dropping off for a from that strophe. appreciate your thougtful read and comments. loosening up you mention is good thing thanks again a.b. hey ab my poem starts out bit stiff but loosens nicely in end. love some writing center would to see it featured more cleanly. comments within respectfully women have sewn weeks their thumbs raw pin-pricks peas needing shelling. them one knew way something about this - first not sure if shelling make maybe did lot also what does do with 'sewn' weeks' sewing causes neglect unshelled ... that's think words need be clearer. it's kind poetic assumption required gown give front so no whisper much than what'd been done already turned discounted bolt fabric into dress beautiful enough wedding. when thought verse end without last line. enough. men gather agree summer's growing undertow heat gathers clenched fist brings on family fields flat longing or creaking barns airy lust. 'of women' there's very rich luscious .... its clunky talk bars all telly bits aren't needed they've come dance these mostly bride new groom hell giving deer lease will get along bride's friends there'll soon. both hope god nobody says pure as driven snow under breath finally comes cool shade behind hay. switches conversation tone final everyone lets hair down bit. 82245 re barn wedding bowen thanks for the read as emerson would say this poem conveys ground tones of convetional life. it is traditional place a woman but offers no undercurrent commentary on these gender position. narrator comfortable with women gathered in their collective consciousness men places. history rewrites itself. 82247 re none is needed asher i guess what bothers me about confessional type poetry this. it marketable. feeds how men frame women. and once a poet has constructed herself in this fashion she expected to live up it. other words writes into existence. becomes marketable simply become toy. know sounds paranoid. but gender images continue be misconstrued imo. nothing wrong with the just wondering can more self reflective of form chosen. will ultimately translate greater success love under my cooling breath i'd ask god 'who could gathered from ashes ' --joshua mehigan playing dead at least we think bones picked clean or so imagines by solitary buzzard wheeling over her head speck silhouette which distance cannot actually labeled any degree certainty--which begs question thing certain --so even s game- piece as lays field perhaps really bed staring ceiling plaster swirls shape-shift vortexes howling faces broken stalks corn book was reading--guess plath sexton--jab spine changes details sky blue now grey sun blinding blinded clouds rain speckles cheeks not crying--how pathetic would that grieve own passing happens--now loses count each cool exhaled forgets inhale spin whirlwind dust furs every surface tornadoes slow motion skin briefly resurrected crow flaps caws outside window never says word--no why no love--nor hums dirge since . noon. hourless. 82257 re barn wedding bowen thanks for the read gary b and comments too. much appreciated. best a.b. mostly works well end smart fun. here they've come to dance these women but see bride in a new dress men give groom hell giving up good deer lease maybe more than one of them will get along with bride's friends there'll be again soon. both hope god i think little heavy. some reduction would work less block breaks space. course heavy like bride. whisper fine. this might have been my family back day. thanks. 82264 re this one is right si mon thanks for the comments -- i apologize if reacted poorly before internet commuunications not my strong suit.... refrain just a like way it sounds again first i'll say that i'm reluctant to anything at all because last time offered opinion on of your poems you didn't and me lesson in semantics. but neither here nor there. as poem enjoyed most part. think crows wimbley drive gets little monotonous. am missing point probably. love strophe was initally lost by unsure branch watched still had re-read. also confused we meet stares . line s3. four strophes are weaker than half or so. ears they seemed disconnected from first. good work. enjoyed. a.b. 82270 hard unmovable body te ballard when you are away i move the bed closer to wall so your absence does not wake me. check recheck doors children s breathing gather piles of our day leave them on floor. in translation ana is lonely and celan dying but it matter books fall from bed. will never return unless course do as promised. fear moves sets up residence this knowledge need very straightens my back against till sleep. 82271 re back words for hannah te ballard at my last workshop we talked about how the rule of thumb was to always break on a strong word and some masters could line strength begin again with same strength. maybe what i am saying doesnt make sense but would look breaks in these lines laurel you have images down so beautifully...t 82272 immigration asher white of wedding days. snow unfurls a bolt bridal cloth the city is not destroyed but yields. here in these streets streets. vendors smoked chicken hoods and toques clearings plough. right before zamboni erases blade marks. after dog pees on snow. covers over speckled yellow. solo. an empty guitar case with layer ancestry land. alphabet being unable to whiten. this apartment there one room reserved for mounting itself combine into pear or leechie. silence. perpetual aftermath something untouched. snowy owl its wings swoops down field mouse. mouse squirming finally releases need larger than itself. 82275 re immigration te ballard i dont know if like so many whites. also think would just start the poem on wedding days mean one always sees white when you of them reader does not information imo. love bolt bridal cloth t days. snow unfurls a city is destroyed but yields. here in these streets streets. vendors smoked chicken hoods and toques clearings plough. right before zamboni erases blade marks. after dog pees snow. covers over speckled yellow. solo. an empty guitar case with layer ancestry land. alphabet being unable to whiten. this apartment there room reserved for mounting itself combine into pear or leechie. silence. perpetual aftermath something untouched. snowy owl its wings swoops down field mouse. mouse squirming finally releases need larger than itself. 82282 re immigration asher thanks for the comments. here's a slight revision. memory of wedding days. snow unfurls bolt bridal cloth city is not destroyed but yields. here in these streets streets. vendors smoked chicken hoods and toques clearings plough. white right before zamboni erases blade marks. after dog pees on covers over speckled yellow. solo an empty guitar case with layer snow. ancestry land. alphabet being unable to whiten. this apartment there one room reserved mounting itself combine into pear or leechie. silence. perpetual aftermath skin untouched. snowy owl its wings swoops down field mouse. mouse squirming finally releases need larger than itself. 82283 re another evil regime asher hi aryan-- this seems like a subversive piece but i'm not sure what the is. poem doesn't really make it clear is revealed by ants. there are houses temples cemetaries broken petals. i feel missing something here. and if ants say builders of an empire let's british than who we reference to some line breaks effective such as isolation stopped. in other words don't get meaning that break how its adds importance or delivers meaning. anyway beginning interesting poem. called her wild woods she sat still on wet grass watching carry petal their queen. came back with sweat chest dust side burns bunch blue flags waving stories about pond beavers queer pines wood bleeding places new footprints trails anthills one must know avoid. because near feet were at work. crawling up queen complete reverence. our knees dug hard autumn ground reached heart cemeteries stopped again. for damage was deadly never noticing went toil though they knew coming. 82284 re hard unmovable body asher i'm not really a reader of personal poetry these days so i probably won't be the best critic. narrative tone is tender. thought there were sections that could made less vague such as piles our day . sure if you need emphatic very in second last strophe. when are away move bed closer to wall your absence does wake me. check recheck doors children s breathing gather leave them on floor. translation ana lonely and celan dying but it matter books fall from bed. will never return unless course do promised. fear moves sets up residence this knowledge straightens my back against till sleep. 82285 re the revision michael mv pun in title is too heavy-handed a device for this reader poem i.e. i think more emphasis on metaphor hence my suggested and less punning. menopause other conditions can be discovered interpreted by reader. esp really like use of engendering here. may suggest incubus as plus laurel's edit. best regards 82286 re hard unmovable body michael mv esp like the open close book ends or maybe here bedposts and that might be worth checking out as a title. below imho for your consideratio --mv when you are away i move bed closer to wall so absence does not wake me. check recheck doors children s breathing gather piles of our day leave them on floor. in translation ana is lonely celan dying but it matter books fall bedside. will never return unless course do promised. fear sets up residence this knowledge need straightens my back against till sleep. 82292 fog michael mv yes from the get-go this masterpiece-gem surfaced like a phantom - very hard act to track 82305 blizzard asher when we talked the wind shred our words. walked in circles and congregated like canadian geese wheeling a vortex of wind. moslems sikhs hindus huddled living room electricity went out. snow swept across side walks as though sidewalks were not always cracking through voice was breaking something fist emerged from silence four walls enclosed mosaic skin. remember russet woods dad shrugged his finger tips curled purple tendril already under earth dead to sound but clacking tendon locked birch trunk hanging. imagine getting off plane midwinter thunder bay with suit case dried flowers. incision divisive conglomerates drift meeting drift. armoury rhetoric cut answering still mosaic. blackened beauty tongue. stillness more than smoke tumbling out chimney. argued bitterly about some point religion. cheeks bitten frenzy listened listening back. 82306 re the crows of wimberly drive si mon thanks barbara -- who cooks for you line was taken from a description i read in book this particular owl's cry. other mentioned being out place probably is. all your help here it is appreciated. like expect odd inserts all. and will not toss my mother s bones over shoulder. yellow belly sapsucker swallows dew. these two were obviously inserted their music but they detract rest because stark vibrancy. maybe gather them together use another effort do hide bluest feathers play piano dreams. sailor songs cantatas. don't years children forget me. there no real reason it. last stanza even though makes speaker sound bit drunk with foreshadowing. hope to have been help. --barbara s. 82307 re old highways asher hi bj-- i liked the atmospheric quality of this piece particularily in 2nd strophe. i'm wondering if you could do something more with line breaks god sounding like a tape recorder but it's true. and also better mesh strope 1 2. for instance how does mail bit relate to dinner. dunno. it just seemed 2 didn't congeal my read. two narrow lanes town or village every thirty miles young farm boy takes john deere fields pulls shoulder let me pass. mailman sits on passenger side drive drops letters catalogues into minature barn ten feet above another mailbox air printed fence. turn up any driveway go home sit down roast beef potatoes fresh shelled peas kiss favorite aunt even uncle gene poke ribs his elbow when he s plying laughter then religious solemnity cranking handle ice cream maker salt ice--good common sense--taste peaches layered cream. 82308 re apparition asher hi miss laurel please excuse my tinkering. detached each separated from the bough -- . a archaic when beau bowed boy breaks and falls p petals white as --guess yes snow perhaps they're not at all but flakes b by wind or their own volition tumbled down to earth solid ground i like this section punctuation is throwing me off bit. that's really already sullied dirt nearly lovely they were virginal dream that swiftly gone shredded. peeled petal cheek tear-shaped harbinger of end everything pick fruit pear crab apple--ah yes. cherry we are dying louise proclaimed so matter-of-factly had forgive her. gave her navel orange keep busy. she proceeded peel world eat it savoring discrete segment. sweet murmured. bitter whispered. in ear swear heard meanwhile couldn't shake feeling fog even though sun was flagrant criminal tripping an alarm mist jaundiced creeping up behind feline on silent paws throng rodents feet tiny fetus s suddenly could see t light yellow swarming. smacked greedy lips declared asty. 82309 re restoration the sun asher dear geoff this is a cryptic piece that doesn't do much for me unfortunately. personification of silence add up to anything and simply confounds. rest poem floats in vague abstractions i not lead at least anywhere. last line culminates into some assumed meaning which you probably understand as writer while reader am left clueless. sorry can't be more helpful. neighbor herself stirs hollow face upturned pale its thawing out observes parallel meadows once hard forgetfulness melt one ice-fed sheet inherit shimmering far above their own pristine-blue personal heaven. when flock blackbirds zigzag lost wild surmise across brilliant sky on descending just stir topmost branches perfect nickel-and-dime landings she orders her heart still though like child alone an empty house it's peaceful enough. lets bewildering street noises enter echo unchallenged along vacant hallways deep stairwells cellar corners -- can mean only thing. . leone 82310 re immigration asher dear te thanks for considering this poem and giving your advice. it has certainly been helpful. i dont know if like so many whites. also think would just start the on wedding days mean one always sees white when you of them reader does not information imo. love bolt bridal cloth t 82311 re immigration asher dear barbara-- i appreciate your taking the time to offer me nits. did incorporate first suggestion into a revision. only 2 1. white after dog pees on snow. covers over speckled yellow. why concentrate this image above others i'd combine these lines. 2. of something untouched is rather nebulous. maybe perpetual aftermath glad see you kept snow unfurls bolt bridal cloth. like that image. hope have been help. --barbara s. 82313 re immigration asher dear aryan-- thanks for your thoughts on this piece. the last line is not so much about survival as it being absorbed into dominant culture. i do appreciate read and i'll try to excise some of those whites that are bothering you all. hello tend agree with te--far too many but perhaps whiteness. also punctuation particularly way use period works me at least against flow. abstraction in s1 which like deepens am left groping something might unify disparate pieces. line--the image 'mouse squirming' finally releasing 'into need larger than itself'--is nice what be curious know. wondering why one titled immigration. engaging read. cheers. ar 82314 re hard unmovable body bowen t.e. so strange. i'm working on a poem of this exact same theme. great minds must think alike. your works well i think. particularly like the piles our day line but you need comma after day. i'd change books line. fear moves in takes up residence is redudant. also don't really what wants to be about. it's more about longing sort turned off by two strophes with all talk. may reading wrong me narrator simply missing his her significant other find little beginning support narrator's fear. last lines are fine go some new that longing. if want convey have work do. even still enjoyed deal. a. when away move bed closer wall absence does not wake me. check recheck doors children s breathing gather leave them floor. translation ana lonely and celan dying it matter fall from bed. will never return unless course do as promised. sets knowledge very straightens my back against till sleep. 82322 re on the other side of park ctg bowen chris i actually read this at home but thought i'd comment here. really think has great bones second half gets kind prosey to my ears. first is excellent think. suggest following cold earth. jim never knew you ahead me our jesuit school dominant lit mag line should go. for a tribute or whatever seems that focus suddenly writer and not subject does make sense . could stronger more over connection between soldier-priest's face son suppose correlation you're intending here maybe hope helps some. best a.b. procrastinating 82331 barn wedding revision bowen the women know how sweat gathers on back of knee a dress unfolds in dark but flies with face wind when lovers lie fields flat longing or barns airy lust. so they stitch new rub their pin-pricked thumbs sew lucky penny hem. way to make gown give front hush whispers woods-talk and turn muslin into beautiful enough for wedding. men gather out sun agree that it's summer's undertow heat like rain above river brings family way. they've taken tied dogs keep them away something do until preacher says time bride finally comes from cool shade behind hay. 82332 re blizzard bowen asher call me crazy but my suggestion is to dump s1 and have s2 be the poem. imo it's strongest part of i didn't like imagine getting off a plane. word that i'm taking issue with. this piece as rememberance not imagination jumping in things. dunno. i'd also end incision wind divisive drift meeting smoke tumbling out chimney. cheeks bitten frenzy snow we listened listening back. best a. 82334 thanks everyone asher guys and gals for all your comments. laurel i like line breaks but have decided to keep this in one block because it reflects something of a blizzard that form. much appreciate insights did consider edits closely. amy bowan unless there is convicing argument rewrite or drop the first strophe see no reason this. do gut feelings they are further substantiated by other considerations nothing go critique. instance would say sets up trope divisive unifying aspects landscape figured poem as wind etc. commenting though any honest critique kind regards when we talked shred our words. walked circles congregated canadian geese wheeling vortex wind. moslems sikhs hindus huddled living room electricity went out. snow swept across side walks sidewalks were not always cracking through voice was breaking fist emerged from silence four walls enclosed mosaic skin. remember russet woods dad shrugged his finger tips curled purple tendril already under earth dead sound clacking tendon locked birch trunk hanging. imagine getting off plane midwinter thunder bay with suit case dried flowers. incision conglomerates drift meeting drift. armoury rhetoric cut answering still mosaic. blackened beauty tongue. stillness more than smoke tumbling out chimney. argued bitterly about some point religion. cheeks bitten frenzy listened listening back. 82338 revision asher blizzard when we talked the wind shred our words. walked in circles and congregated like canadian geese a vortex of wind. moslems sikhs hindus huddled living room electricity went out. snow swept across side walks as though sidewalks were not always cracking through voice was breaking something fist emerged from silence four walls enclosed mosaic skin. remember russet woods dad shrugged his finger tips curled purple tendril already under earth dead to sound but clacking tendon locked birch trunk hanging. imagine getting off plane midwinter thunder bay with suit case dried flowers. incision divisive conglomerates drift meeting drift. armoury rhetoric cut answering still mosaic. blackened beauty tongue. stillness more than smoke tumbling out chimney. argued bitterly about some point religion. cheeks bitten frenzy listened listening back. 82341 re barn wedding revision bowen barbara thanks for the read. i like original's recklessness but gathers a clenched fist is such cliche that has to go. will consider cutting out sweating girls. best a.b. frankly orginial better without women know how sweat on back of knee ick and with heat fist. your ending here still lacks drama you started therefore it fizzles wet firecracker. my advise try again at later time. are capable making this sizzle. 82342 re thanks everyone asher bowan and amy again for your comments. there is absolutely no need you to explain any reasoning. i'm reconsidering the tellyness of strophe 1 in light thanksssssss. ag guys gals all laurel i like line breaks but have decided keep this one block because it reflects something a blizzard that form. much appreciate insights did consider edits closely. unless convicing argument rewrite or drop first see reason this. do gut feelings they are further substantiated by other considerations nothing go critique. instance would say sets up trope divisive unifying aspects landscape figured poem as wind etc. commenting though honest critique kind regards 82348 re one grunt bowen jude gruntlicious. me likes. i'm wondering about the lack of punctuation. not sure how it improves poem or what function serves. just wondering. once i got used to was only mildly distracting. seems like you can't even get away with mentioning wheat in a anymore so might want consider dropping and have that line continue dog hair etc. surprised good way by appearance rancher's son. lost around for every nail underside long oak table at dinnertime these lines . never liked sex on floor understood kind sticks out. quality work though. this shines nothing i've seen week. best a.b. is my down cheek flattened hands wood its yellow grain spreads from all things tumbleweed son upon father bottle fine whiskey hiding his pant leg always boys kicking each other tonight there'll be pieces dinnerware chairs knocked back bellyaching - quit yer convenience acres accessibility it's cinematic family supper everyone buffed glowing kitchen hardwood oiled ready. if those could settle maybe old man would leave them alone. 82349 re revision asher cool conversation here amy. i thank you for detailing your reason. the mosaic is a bit of canadian thing and it feeds back into armory rhetoric in second section. we use this utterly ineffective trope to describe canada as cultural mosaic. poem tries attack such simple idea. our education tourist education. rarely do really consider other cultures except these off cuff little aphorisms. but it's pile crap imho. anyway so should be more subtle. will see what can after week. thanks again. comments are great. glad that ideas lose quotes around first make one large stanza worked you. i'm sorry couldn't have been specific last night about why s1 was giving me problems. may simply isolated called too much attention itself going on s2 subtle pleasing me. note there still something image skin strikes heavyhanded. think someone else mentioned using twice takes away from power its mention would agree than wonder different colors important. not politically correct poem. separated separates unifies while all religions ends an argument later some images things being divided unified sort consequence sits rather unresolved imo. also seems easy probably because isn't specifically nighttime electricity out made imagine scene threw glaring light only wasn't prepared didn't particularly want. love color following line remember russet... . like people deprived distinction at moment able picture hue. just thoughts minor cuts within amy 82354 re barn wedding revision bowen yoly thanks for the read. my mojo is off sure. more i look at this hate it. something definitely missing. dunno. you input. muchly appreciated. a.b. ash- liked lucky penny in hem. um think poem trying to be a very good poem. with some tweaking can achieve i've seen your stuff know can't put hand on what lacks though. peace 82368 re one grunt bj think this needs punctuation to punctuate it. i like it very much. sincerely is my floor. i'm down on cheek flattened hands the wood its yellow grain spreads away from me wheat all these things tumbleweed dog hair. rancher's son upon me. for every nail underside of a long oak table at dinnertime. father with bottle fine whiskey hiding in his pant leg. and always boys kicking each other tonight. there'll be pieces dinnerware floor chairs knocked back bellyaching - quit yer bellyaching. never liked sex convenience acres accessibility it's so cinematic family supper. everyone buffed glowing kitchen hardwood oiled ready. if only those could just settle maybe old man would leave them alone. 82371 re fluvial reformatted michael mv probably not much help formally speaking but i see merits in both as a prose-poem shaped. placement suggestion submit the shaped to magazine competition or call for looking poem. traffic other one elsewhere submissions and of course prose-poems. that formatting can be tedious. nice know when it's been worth it -- yes 82374 re fluvial michael mv interesting that although this is a prose-poem most of the line breaks are strategic. happy - and admiral medium free form lineage prose line. 82378 re revision asher laurie-- thanks very much for considering this poem. 2 strophes it is. i keep seeing the break in as signifying a unity...a division which think poem ultimately succombs to thematically. like dropping of quotes around mosaic but liked two didn't see earlier sorry posting twice laurie 82380 re barn wedding revision bowen at least you know have a mojo. hubris . i only hubris. 82381 re barn wedding revision bowen laurel thanks for chiming in. the first draft seems to have everyone's vote and is whipping boy. has more energy push drive despite its obvious flaws . i've revised a third time doing just what you suggested--a of two versions. i'm letting it sit while. afraid frankly post anywhere. my ego creativity whatever can only take so much beating before runs away hides. always enjoy your comments. they're helpful. best a. hey ash i know hate when people say this me you'll probably feel same way but liked posted better than revision. reason hearing that become attached each successive further removed from less able am re-embrace sigh think actual poem somewhere between melding two. definitley prefer first. lovely writing. graceful. title though dull dull. new maybe another stab at it's pleasure reading work ash. 82389 re one grunt metz agree with all laurel's suggestions 'cept the title change. think lack of punctuation works just fine. quit yer bellyachin line repetition didn't work for me. nothing else. good poem. oh. maybe take out a modifier or two long and fine could go. -- this is my floor i'm down on it cheek flattened hands wood its yellow grain spreads away from me like wheat these things tumbleweed dog hair rancher's son upon every nail underside oak table at dinnertime father bottle whiskey hiding in his pant leg always boys kicking each other tonight there'll be pieces dinnerware chairs knocked back bellyaching - i never liked sex convenience acres accessibility it's so cinematic family supper everyone buffed glowing kitchen hardwood oiled ready. if only those settle old man would leave them alone. 82390 re fluvial reformatted metz much prefer this to the original format. think you might wanna keep tinkering though. consider replacing perfect-tense constructions has landed have hockneyed etc with simple past tense preterite. today h landed. scientists hockneyed. etc. -- huygens on titan. seven years ago she was diagnosed and probe launched. telemetry worked for two hours. stills into unmistakable channels a shoreline now junked craft of my gaze lies frozen in deep furrows between brows. i had wanted happier wrinkles. man channel 5 news looks angry even when smiling assurance that image shown filtered our atmosphere. histories are extrapolated from surfaces must write what they know. most compelling evidence warmer age than were tracks crow's feet geologically speaking deltas drained smiles her gray eyes. 82391 re captains a flotilla of discarded doors metz yes ah nostalgia. quite capably nostalgic. but i'm thinking nostalgia ain't enough and this never seeks more. it ends up right where started. there's no development change drama conflict message. well-written it's 20 minutes effort for any good writer with childhood memories. -- architect engineer he excavates metropolis in his front yard water lines utility poles superhighways skyscrapers twice size. sheet cape jumps from the top step empire state building glides to braided rug at door. coon- skin cap slays skins bear bowie knife. saturday illustrates writes publishes comic book later that day shoots older brother black bart living room corral. '58 everglades holds an alligator's mouth shut two fingers strokes its pale tummy put sleep. swarms brigands' decks catches twenty-five sunfish wadded balls wonder bread. summer '59 hills swims english channel holiday inn pool breaks all records then scales everest sir edmund barely escapes yeti. 82392 re captains a flotilla of discarded doors bj well i suppose you're right any good writer could have written this but they haven't. i'm pretty prolific reader and haven't run across thing like you are right. had an ending will post it now. tried something. thought with yeti kind through in another place maybe just the description itself said something more. guess was wrong on that one. don't know if ending. look at give me your opinion. sincerely yes ah nostalgia. quite capably nostalgic. thinking nostalgia ain't enough never seeks ends up where started. there's no development change drama conflict message. well-written it's 20 minutes effort for childhood memories. -- metz 82398 what i assume si mon my dog hogs the one sunny spot in yard. here it s warmer. read about beached whales on carolina coast. thirty-three pilots gone to heaven. must be a huge place. but then point of reference pea soup. spoon and scan obituaries. four men younger than am now. m swimming soup heading towards assume. that sunnier spot. 82401 re i was happy enough until si mon block o text -- remember you complaining once about my blobs recently editing nevertobe book and realized that there were just poemblob after so went crazy with white space space. this poem only two things might change cut the like freudian slips a masochist love to floss gums . m fool for blood. i'm too tired rewrite your ha besides writing much shorter these days. d write all this. similarly not have we are never could be hereafter of things. --john ashbery here what were. how can keep question myself having mastered art bitten tongue acquired taste copper. mouth full pennies. tarnish. if possessed level devotion slavish tuck pebble in without second thought holy symbol line wouldn t now. stone small as hope. hope smaller than iota. oh awful curve shore. who wants spinal curvature needful posture boundary non-existent definitive definition where waves end land starts. here. her. typos always tell truth. moves moves. gums. chumming water saw string between teeth believing power clean removal bits pieces tiresome flecks fruit meat tripping over is she details details--these chunks trapped enamel will save me from decay s inevitability. rinse spit regret. you. why did until. more bear. bare it all. cavity. 82402 revised si mon i m not a buddhist wallpaper hanger after 4 hours of hanging and sipping beer it s 1 am. for all know the rest world could be dead. my options go to bed 2 drink more 3 read poetry until fall asleep or sleep is other direction. so pearl by anonymous in-between chugs carolina blonde. thinking about thirty-two parts body. first hairs head skin head. then heart lungs - should hit hay. tomorrow going farmer market. hope tomatoes are than just red. 82403 re captains a flotilla of discarded doors revisi si mon few things -- first i haven't read any the other versions so am non-partial or for me its poem. second dates get bothersome in my opinion...the are fine but think you don't need them after awhile...or trust skewed narrative...or use space...but it got to be roadblock reading... lastely line needs fixing maybe he excavates his front yard metropolis architect. engineer. around '55 '56 water lines utility poles superhighways skyscrapers twice size. sheet cape jumps from top step empire state building glides braided rug at foot stairs. coonskin cap slays bear skins with bowie knife. fall '57 illustrates writes and publishes comic book later that day shoots brother black bart livingroom corral. january '58 everglades clamps an alligator's snout shut two fingers strokes pale tummy put sleep. swarms decks brigands catches twenty-five sunfish wadded balls wonder bread. summer '59 hills swims channel holiday inn pool breaks all records then scales everest sir edmund barely escapes yeti. winter '98 lazy boy flips through channels on remote watches national geographic struggles upstairs tosses turns posturpedic conforming coils. 82404 re barn wedding revision metz didn't read the original. but hey this ain't half bad for being apparent weaker of two. all it's lacking to put it over top is yeah mojo. mojo an elusive personal beast. while you hunt down some pedestrian suggestions below. -- women know how sweat gathers on back knee a dress keep. love image. nothing ick about it. unfolds in dark flies with face wind want express image i don't construction gives flying face. when lovers lie fields flat longing . or barns airy lust. too telling especially if you're gonna keep title. previous line plenty strong end thought. so they stitch new rub their pin-pricked thumbs sew lucky penny hem. way make gown give front hush whispers woods-talk and turn muslin into beautiful enough wedding. got chance perfect modifier here that does more than modify helps play role poem. grab chance. men gather out sun agree summer's undertow heat like rain above river brings family way. they've taken tied dogs them away something three ways stanza. thing very cool could be cooler. wonder paying attention sonics rhythm at expense potential content. dunno. do until preacher says time bride finally comes from shade behind hay. 82405 re revised hvybrethur ha i like these as companion pieces - one atop the other maybe in same post though. funny.vg very good dog warm only sunny spot you're warmer where then shades fun stuff them markets. thanks hvybr m not a buddhist wallpaper hanger after 4 hours of hanging and sipping beer it s 1 am. for all know rest world could be dead. my options go to bed 2 drink more 3 read poetry until fall asleep or sleep is direction. so pearl by anonymous in-between chugs carolina blonde. thinking about thirty-two parts body. first hairs head skin head. heart lungs should hit hay. tomorrow going farmer market. hope tomatoes are than just red. 82410 prelude to the rock opera michael mv at hour of taking leave from home see phantom i call for lift it is already there mirror d door divides like a silver screen curtain opening an empty box 5 but small chandelier burnt out order step in and push button 2 only glow under dark wing on way up song 82411 re barn wedding revision bowen metz thanks for the read. people who didn't read first tend to think this is okay but those have original tell me version sucks. i appreciate and comments. your comments given more about than had so i'm grateful. as paying too much attention rhythm sonics sacrificng content you're probably right. do that often not. best a. original. hey ain't half bad being apparent weaker of two. all it's lacking put it over top yeah mojo. mojo an elusive personal beast. while you hunt down some pedestrian suggestions below. -- how want express image know don't in face wind construction gives a flying face. or barns airy with lust. telling especially if gonna keep title. previous line plenty strong end thought. got chance perfect modifier here does modify helps play role poem. grab chance. three ways stanza. thing tied dogs very cool could be cooler. wonder at expense potential content. dunno. 82420 re the compleat insomniac si mon i actually found myself liking this one. to my surprise -- but would cut and his ilk cause really don't know what is. . listening half dozing choral works classical radio showers on him live performances from long forgotten concerts small change floats through air thin carrying visions of sugar plums gregorian chanting tosca in extremities counterpoint a la sebastian bach butterfly end world seen pews milan's cathedral with ten course meal right after they-call-me-mimi venice sinking beneath waves spared miraculously for one more season geoff leone 82421 re how to survive a tornado si mon i like this -- but would it much more if you cut the of metaphor let poem find its own odd shape without direct reference literature know cutting ruin your scheme damn then you'll need heavy coat and fleece some oil keep loose when winds thumb down upon life pretend be fish transform bones explore bend slip bodies adore. there'll debris as dreams plans upend love so spin fins extend feather gills swim for shore light taste press scale skin. thin between whorls drain begins suck draw in seed sharp husked thorn within. storm will rage constrict spit. freed put roots. they sky break rain. 82426 the lean-tee asher lean tee we built in winter class was cancelled because of blizzard. cut evergreens with swiss army knives and wove tri foliate branches around assembled bones which leaned against a stump. tree from broken bones. christmas trees were dragged along lawn street into clearing. cancelled. gathered stones edges like fire pit. light mottled inside stumps for seats tinsel still hung limbs chopped dozen different axes. underneath our there stones. i never wanted gifts stole money father s tweed pocket hid it under persian rug. what said mattered inhalation before he spoke passed pipe sage mullein. raccoons robbie or trapezoids. parts logs turning log frayed rose an up chimney another sort to fill gaps stepladder raise paper mache star.inside trapezoids had pieced together pass word that they would know. parents grocery store squeezed them through door. lived disassembled trees. memory needles. placed discreet corner living room pulled out box ornaments furnace room. already conceived anatomy. struggled get house december disassemble their strip its ornaments. played dead sneak out. held us retinal process. games on pretended opening first time. displayed weren t ours posed. nothing added up. dad fell over laughing when in. give him back then. off led got soaker. stood rostrum told how found child pornography his bedside drawer. think probably laughed at him. red winged blackbird air. principle school. jail now. mean. steve mounted talked about duker who basement law office. nazi flag draped ceiling. once ordered pizza came demanded man dance shot bibi gun feet rapid intervals. maybe ending but you know ll reform go parole. events sirens. fighters unwove took axes sparks flew. called pieces glowing wood thrown parks recreation pick taken zippo lit it. james tried build square hut river clay wouldn hold. wedgewood park spring trilliums have erupted. few burst sticks scattered stump scathed blackened. new has fallen 12 mile creek accretions rings pressed something wavering. 82434 re barn wedding revision bowen women do know how sweat gathers etc and a lot more besides so this poems needs pinch of paprika in its chocolat you lost me here. something like that annmarie the edits are much appreciated. i'll post revision's when i get up nerve. thanks again am. best a.bowen 82435 re barn wedding revision bowen yes and triple yes. you're right. thanks for the read. one day this will rear it's ugly head again. best a. re. bowen. am i right to assume you have shortened greatly all way through most seriously in first stanza indulge underlining points it should not be necessary... every change gives takes. figure out yourself. fear earlier version was more dynamic than this. geoff 82438 to heav v b si mon the warner where is big question one on top of dother -- i like thanks ha these as companion pieces - atop other maybe in same post though. funny.vg very good dog warm only sunny spot you're warmer then shades fun stuff them markets. hvybr 82439 per jude si mon me who has tow kids 7 and 8 must read at least a chapter then start the wall papering after or close to ish -- same as painting kitchen cabinets...only pulling up old carpet usually gets done on weekend. tomatoes cost much gas these days they are genetically altered...and void of flavor for tomato sandwich with miracle whip....maybe wheat toast red can be starts hanging wallpaper 9 00 pm just that go bed 82441 re what i assume si mon geoff -- you are surely some kind of genius have been checked where denmark norwegian family bente hagen a cousin thrice removed...or something oslo thereabouts skiiing to school etc. thanks for stopping by re. assume. hogs and dogs in the first line my heart more doth though covet this has certain risk taking value it which like but is full themes whizzing out window finally plumb tuckers me out. best 82442 jude again si mon but the other subject intrroduced is then...i thought of whales while i was reading obituaries...but -- sometimes a poem just nice should hope so sometimes. thanks for your insight hello think revision could be titled 'hello there anybody out enjoyed about dog his sunny spot soup and whales. nice. some comments within respectfully my hogs one in yard. here it s warmer. read beached on carolina coast. thirty-three pilots gone to heaven. must huge place. then love this couplet what point reference pea soup. spoon scan obituaries. four men younger introduction another bit too much such short piece. makes meaningless than am now. m swimming heading towards assume. that sunnier spot. find capitals punctuation playful last couplet. 82450 i'm migration asher sorry for posting 2 poems and not doing crits. i will do so this week. a herd or bird joint is never alone. it connected to the ground walks on. always rafter opening roof stadium. page heckling jeering cheering. deceive single conceive from black. she gazes out her window where white mounts itself. an alien word. thinks of attar's parable birds how peacock needed audience. what feather framed as eye draws nearer colors diffuse prismatic sit on ledge squawk shit black umbrellas. consider collapsing at moment conceived one syllable falling faint snow. protection cave driven into flesh stalagmites youth driveway meets nephews cobbled stone in cantonment. whirling dervishes tripped lost balance. they forgot melts. whirls alone again pure isolation. draped worn but tattered skin flaking. like robe. elaborating narrative could almost stop if was said located. people flocked around again. ski jacket that some kids laughed at. found home parent's father disembarking plane angry. imagined helpless over. generational thing. genes--and sentence snowy clean refusing mean thoughts are flies swarming eyes stern preceptor. teach color hue lie. speaks walls flutter drapes feathers were gone--those who her-- bitter sea. sling shot tyrant shoot your own blood. drive sound body inward. make foreign itself remember merciless. 82451 migration rewrite asher a herd or bird joint is never alone. it connected to the ground walks on. rafter opening stadium roof. page heckling jeering cheering. deceive single conceive from black. she gazes out her window where white mounts itself. and an alien word. thinks of attar's parable birds how peacock needed audience.what this feather framed as eye draws nearer colors diffuse prismatic not exotic. sit on ledge squawk shit black umbrellas.consider collapsing at moment conceived one syllable falling faint snow. protection cave driven into flesh stalagmites youth driveway meets nephews cobbled stone in cantonment. whirling dervish tripped lost his balance hummingbird centre. he forgot for what melts. whirls alone again pure isolation. draped worn but tattered skin flaking elaborating narrative could almost stop if was said located. people flocked around again. ski jacket that some kids laughed at. always found home parent's father disembarking plane angry. imagined helpless over. genes--and sentence snowy clean thoughts flies swarming eyes stern preceptor. teach color hue lie. speaks walls flutter like drapes feathers they were gone--those who her-- bitter sea. sling shot tyrant shoot own. drive sound body inward make foreign remember merciless. 82452 the lean-tee revision asher lean tee we built in winter class was cancelled because of blizzard. cut evergreens with swiss army knives wove tri foliate branches around assembled bones which leaned against a stump. christmas trees were dragged along street into clearing and cut. light mottled inside stumps for seats tinsel still hung from limbs trees. underneath stones. i never wanted gifts stole money father s tweed pocket hid it under persian rug. what said mattered woods. inhalation before steve spoke he passed pipe sage mullein stale tobacco. raccoons robbie or trapezoids. parts logs turning edges frayed rose. our houses filled gaps stepladder. to raise paper mache star. trapezoids had pieced together pass word they would know. parents gathered grocery store squeezed them through door. memory needles. tree placed discreet corner living room pulled out box ornaments furnace room. already conceived an anatomy. struggled get house. strip their its ornaments. played dead sneak out. held us gaze. games on pretended opening first time. displayed that weren t ours posed. nothing added up. dad fell over laughing when in. give him back money. off log led got soaker. stood rostrum woods told how found child pornography his bedside drawer. think probably laughed at him. there red winged blackbird air. principle school. jail now. mean. mounted talked about duker who lived basement law office. nazi flag draped ceiling. once ordered pizza came demanded man dance shot bibi gun guys feet. maybe ending but you know ll reform go parole. events winter. fire fighters took axes sparks flew. pieces glowing wood thrown parks recreation pick taken zippo lit it. wedgewood park spring trilliums have erupted. few burnt sticks scattered stump scathed blackened. new has fallen 12 mile creek accretions rings pressed something wavering. 82453 migration rewrite ii asher a herd or bird joint is never alone. it connected to the ground walks on. rafter opening stadium roof. page heckling jeering cheering. deceive single conceive from black. she gazes out her window where white mounts itself. and an alien word. thinks of attar's parable birds how peacock needed audience. what this feather framed as eye draws nearer colors diffuse prismatic--not exotic. sit on ledge squawk shit black umbrellas. consider collapsing at moment conceived one syllable falling faint snow. protection cave driven into flesh stalagmites youth driveway meets nephews cobbled stone in cantonment. whirling dervish draped tripped lost his balance hummingbird centre. he forgot himself for moment. whirls alone again pure isolation. not worn but tattered skin flaking elaborating narrative could almost stop if was said located. people flocked around again. ski jacket that some kids laughed at. always found home parent's father disembarking plane angry. imagined helpless. genes--and sentence snowy clean thoughts flies swarming eyes stern preceptor. teach color hue lie. speaks walls flutter like drapes feathers they were gone--those who her-- bitter sea. 82454 re threads asher aryan-- i enjoyed the last strope of this. but thought poem's didn't elucidate theme until strophe. idea thread appears and just seems like it is thrown in as second strophe line. poem left me with many questions understand connections these formed to some coherent whole.i suppose itself could be read something that narrator has not yet located hence meant organic rather leaving a trail questions. if this case then was wondering why 1 are particularily important other words phrasing vague too loose meaning grant think further about how relates possible missing am reading correctly. became interesting 3 train somehow imaged an unscheduled stop added potential way gathering here. reverts back onslaught final leaves no clues on threads. 2 use more specific diction would improve great deal. thanks for posting s game you will never tire. fast can move end blue waters bed sand upend roil waited dad unscrew bottles mum denial ceaseless wars gasping between longwinded talk so snatch fly. when your made clacked heels down empty platform looked into forgotten well wrapped round tiny stones did find who stitch coat finally fit all measurements what happen game. now leave. 82455 re the past life asher hello dm jones-- i enjoyed this piece. just 1 question to leave you in regards line breaks. like survivor of a great marital pestilence lately i've been dreaming mexico an escape sweltering beach on tide corona margarita licking soft salt off some senorita sea breezes rocking my hammock as wander and out her rancho grande quiet beneath barren moon. dream too japan girl bent broken rain crying growing crevice between us when ship slipped pier. we stood rail till lands end speck lost oily shore. not mailed last letter never reached cause loving whore is easy you're eighteen. but thought lb could be rethought perhaps still hunger open kimono lavender naked neck rise screaming red sun. 82456 re how to survive a tornado asher hi jude-- i enjoyed this. agree with the omitting of metaphor in l1. this sounds pretty neat read loud. perhaps. sky will break into rain. thanks you'll need heavy coat and fleece some oil keep you loose when winds thumb down upon your life pretend be fish transform bones explore bend slip bodies adore. there'll debris as dreams plans upend love so spin fins extend feather gills swim for shore light taste press scale skin. thin between whorls drain begins suck draw seed sharp husked thorn within. storm rage constrict spit. freed put roots. they like 82467 re migration rewrite ii asher haha-- i was just about to sign my name amy in your section bit. well you're a bloody intuitive reader. much appreciate any of insight even if it takes poem-form or prose poem...i think right on the mark two poem began this thinking white totally different way that took turn. personally is one but do see what how you see. wonderful eyes...thanks perhaps it's testament poems take me out left-brain linear analytical mind when am done left with impressions and sense did anybody get license plate number truck hit little base proper response i'll give have something happens after consider like for me. not say good bad reads. near as can figure because beginning very informative she presented late enough read opening remarks thoughts hers rather yet another thought. gets almost too close being internal her this. never quite crosses line mighty close. all an interesting journey. thanks 82478 artisans laurie byro you parted the cool braid of my hair it snaked like rain along your shoulder. early autumn yellow leaves laid a pattern eyes at our window. colder weather would cower them into cones and we sit crossed-legged on bed each uncurling other fortune teller s hand. poems didn t hold us as much time passing. read to one another. told me was fragile ladder needed escape turbulent green rivers that dared take under. kissed nape neck spun out coils golden brown. practiced an ancient tapestry art form found. 82483 re my skinny girl traded for fat sbern thank you delight. 82484 re my skinny girl traded for fat sbern the truth is-- i came back to abd continued with wall. kareen found a position as bargirl in dublin. thanks pal. hello oh this is wonderful. so old adage of closer bone sweeter meat wrong. always thought but keep trying. now you must tell us what rosaleen does - full loss and lament love sick stick that she is. again great poem. thank are treasure. dennis 82485 re my skinny girl traded for fat sbern rosaleen was a cold lean fish anyway. no nits. this sings. lovely allerteration and half internal end rhymes. ..indeed. as i write response have heard lost another ten pounds. but she has 'spell on me.' may go back. thanks the kind reply. delighted sb especially love s4 singing woman's cotton song-- full from bosom bare burst-out linened seams. --barbara s. building walls with boney 82486 re my skinny girl traded for fat sbern dear this is beautifully crafted well polished brilliant many edged and soulless too exactly like a crystal. truly enjoyable when seen from outside curio case. best regards writing poetry ... what should i say why not just it fun. thanks so much sb 82487 re the lean-tee asher jude-- yeah i don't like this piece much to be honest. i'll see how of it can salvage. thanks for considering. hi there is a whole lot really good stuff in poem and tedious too. needs big workover which might result more than one who knows. ok so im going quote someone revision poet's most difficult demanding dangerous work. because it's hard let go our original inspirations or ideas best lines as we may have do service poem. calls us reach deeper further want feel know to. act trying make better lose touch with raw energy that drove into its fullness being destroy what joyously create. but necessary poets care aobu their craft. from companion kim addonizio dorianne laux. - could start title. jude 82488 re i'm migration asher interesting yoly. thanks that's really encouraging. still not happy with the final two lines here. see vat i can do. best hi asher- what amy said- too am taken from my comfy way of processing words and images when read your work. think a marvelous thing whether chew swallow it all at once or not. do enjoy coming back as did this last post. is almost like map get closer every time to hidden tresure. i'll keep if you will. peace yoly 82495 re migration rewrite ii asher verdi-- thanks. an awful lot going on for one opem. but's ok. did not like the previous ending. this is better -- but it 'it' imvho i might have more stuffs gotta run thank you read enjoyed your poem verdi 82499 our ibpc nomination thread p n michael mv http www.webdelsol.com bbs zineweb zineweb.cgi read 9932 82500 re kitten's cabin asher yoly-- this poem is interesting. i wonder where you'll go with it. like the focalization of imagery on hands ballooning in coat pockets dried out gloves mantle mending nightly our sqeeze a dream act writing...etc.i'm not quite sure though how to read beyond patterning into narrative itself...in other words does and relate themes. just tell you that my focused hand--glove images trying see they wound or wove if at all. what then their importance perhaps ask for particular asthetic poetry more tightly knit imagery. simply taste criticism your work. there are many places punctuation distracting. i'll try highlight questioned colon comma etc. but he s been walking cold his chest pockets. dried-out remind me when two stray kittens adopted charity last winter by hands. -i'm verb lack here it would as mending. so seems either an elliptical trope. ie. gloves. guess i'm asking clarification here. honest reason after him. mind howls if. step crunchy walk life-size icebox. lb may be effective don't especially stultify pacing. didn't care icebox honest. thought was slightly forced. sitting mound dark snow looks down face scrunched attempts squeeze memory. swear there'll time dreams will drip from eyes. -i seeming idea juxtaposed dream. drips suggests thematic tension. could elaborated reader can get sense why making effort doesn t share them anymore. ex-girlfriend appeared old professor coffin crumpled sheets glued her body. h writing wasn whore people approval. asked do still miserable silence- probably let silence speak itself. stop decide skip tonight bathos exchange - don know what. -probably same take off set tracks boot prints head back kitten cabin. even lb. has mince light. think some have tightened make stronger piece. line telly...not going this. look forward revision happen consider best 82501 re artisans asher hi laurie-- i thought this poem could be broken up and played with space-wise...in particular would heart as hannah puts it a line break after snaked. thanks you parted the cool braid of my hair snaked like rain along your shoulder. early autumn yellow leaves laid pattern eyes at our window. colder weather cower them into cones we sit crossed-legged on bed each uncurling other fortune teller s hand. poems didn t hold us much time passing. read to one another. told me was fragile ladder needed escape turbulent green rivers that dared take under. kissed nape neck spun out coils golden brown. practiced an ancient tapestry art form found. 82502 re triolets are fun asher hi jude.. this was an interesting sonic journey. the repetition of on mean days isn't working for me though. bent low with need her noble branches reach your embrace. each caress she sees death recede days. and wind leaves torn face disgraced. yet still you love her. claws in soil seed through green bend need. 82503 re artisans laurie byro i liked this - but also found a bit too much on the narrative passive side ---- you part'd cool braids my hair snaked it like rain al g your shoulder thanks ryan part of problem is that an unmetered sonnet so had to struggle with enjambment etc make end words rhyme. sonnets even best ones think for me sound forced know what mean about sort falseness. appreciate time and care into edit thank yellow autumn early leaves laid pattern eyes at our window . colder weather cower'd them cones we sit cross-legged bed uncurling other fortune teller hands poems don t hold us as passes told fragile ladder need -ed escape turbulent green rivers dare take under kiss nape neck spin out coils golden brown practice ancient tapestry art forms 82504 re artisans laurie byro i'd like to see you change the tense from past present in more of this at least last poem. each uncurling other a fortune teller s hand is magic lonely image. can't need for art form we found. except i needed complete sonnets which am godawful and struggled with one. unmetered it still burst blood vessel my eye concentrating. good suggestion thanks sweetness hope helpful. -- barbara s. 82505 re artisans laurie byro hi laurie-- i thought this poem could be broken up and played with space-wise...in particular would heart as hannah puts it a line break after snaked. thanks asher was writing an unmetered sonnet so had to enjamb. but if leave the form behind free of its cage. appreciate 82506 re artisans asher daa yes i see that now. interesting. maybe keep it thanks was writing this as an unmetered sonnet so had to enjamb. but if leave the form behind could break poem free of its cage. appreciate laurie 82507 re stepmother asher haha--- ryan annemarie crits your work pretty well. you are perhaps an apprentice to her form in some ways no. i think liked all edits and the way she pushed this one. ag 82508 re barn wedding revision bowen have you seen the film chocolat annmarie only on video rentals shelf. it seemed like such a chick-flick that i couldn't go near it. if recall correctly it's about an entire community's awakening to sex through wonders of chocolate. am close 82509 true confessions eulogy bowen it was cancer isn't always and i prayed for the worst quit going to mass lit black candles all around his bed. he used beat yes this is a confession off bunzz did in front of me. what's worse called me square tits box-crotch but meant when asked help okay call quits die way. so it. second do have tits. kept lit. gave up praying god rosaries whole bit. then slammed barbiturates had lay him bag toss cliff. said would forget face tell what comes each night visit 82510 re kitten's cabin bowen yoly interesting. i would prefer the narrative to be a little more condensed direct. think it an odd choice put colon after chest. maybe comma also that gloves are honest . line is better opener than current one. best a. he s been out walking cold in his chest hands ballooning coat pockets. dried-out on mantle remind me of when two stray kittens adopted charity last winter by mending nightly our hands. reason go him. my mind howls as if. step crunchy walk life-size icebox. sitting mound dark snow looks down face scrunched attempts squeeze dream memory. swear there'll time dreams will drip from eyes. doesn t share them with anymore. not ex-girlfriend appeared old professor coffin crumpled sheets poetry glued her body. then writing wasn whore for people approval. asked do you still miserable silence- stop and decide skip tonight bathos exchange - don know what. take off set tracks boot prints head back kitten cabin. even has mince light. 82511 re hardened bowen laurel honestly i have to say that this is the first poem of yours felt let-down by. you had me right up until lazarusing from bed would neither surprise nor move frozen as am a salt lick ll never again. yes ve used line before. so sue me. let s tally all your care- less love then try and find crime in my repetition. theodore was blinded by single tear seeping his eye he could not see writher already withering her liveliness dying she lived. louise got it woman goddess flesh immovable monument armless. thighs vise smile hardened. will hold again love. vow promise. went somewhere couldn't follow. logically course because makes perfect sense. just seemed be well-worn territory. there such dramatic shift voice at point also. half think golden. it's second needs work. best a. small flame flings itself about wintering an astronaut . --anne rouse fling flamed out no green explosion spring lost space tether broken connected him ship streaming behind like tail or question. alas heaven even here dear. press ear chest listen pandora-ish clock wonder if anyone can predict when cease tick. forgive enough. prospect redemption revive foolish heart. resurrection 82512 re artisans bowen laurie nice work. on first read i didn't hear the rhyme so that is good news because doesn't sound forced. my only nits are these thought green rivers was kind of well-worn and last line imo could be better. otherwise it stuff. best a. you parted cool braid hair snaked like rain along your shoulder. early autumn yellow leaves laid a pattern eyes at our window. colder weather would cower them into cones we sit crossed-legged bed each uncurling other fortune teller s hand. poems didn t hold us as much time passing. to one another. told me fragile ladder needed escape turbulent dared take under. kissed nape neck spun out coils golden brown. practiced an ancient tapestry art form found. 82522 re true confessions eulogy bowen ryan thanks for the read. grammatical errors was equally unsure about part. thanks. a. b. it cancer isn't always and i prayed worst quit --------------- didnt find this to be a really strong opening. why is little dissappointed by that claim. second bad line break at end of strophe. too off-course from where next strophe begins felt jerked around. going mass lit black candles all around his bed. he used beat --------------------- once again ending rough. yes confession ------------------- wasnt sure introduced particular point. would recommend changing way - reads off as well interjection speaker confession. bunzz did in front me. what's worse called me square tits -------------------- poem interest crude nature relationship toss weaker opening let repressent dont need lead-in box-crotch but meant when asked help okay call quits die way. so it. do have tits. just seemed irrelevant distracting see . maybe m e y pegs kept lit. gave up praying god rosaries whole bit. you already told needless repitition then slammed barbiturates had lay him bag cliff. ---------------- like wierd direction goes sloppily added move fashion not bits popping here there say run with b surrealness shine. said forget face tell what comes each night visit weak imagary hurt this. sorry brutal crit one come together sharing 82525 re true confessions eulogy bowen chris i always get screwed up with rhyme. thanks for the read. will try to do better. it seems that i'm in a terrible slump these days. - hi ash like story you tell here but wish could more conservatively and straightforwardly. poem begins jerky fasion perhaps added by short lines triolet formation then gives us an almost cartoonish scenario. yet this is serious subject believe have kernel of great not current presentation which does give topic its due respect. think can better ash. good luck. all best 82529 re treatment center 1988 lori bj- i've said and thought the exact same words reality is people....etc...... ...i was married to an x heroin narcotic addict....he had many relapses i lived in hell with him anyway...i told times that if he took all concentration energy put into figuring out how where gong get drugs day...and towards something positive a new ...then maybe can begin straight sober. hug for you because know what you've been through...and continue go through. stay strong. people who have drug addictions don't live life on life's terms. they are looking way out. always tools meet life. when ignore obsession stop dwelling thoughts continually lead them astray then emerge. individual this poem makes break last stanza has glimmer of hope his awareness river's steady slow movement forward within ever-changing world boundaries some serenity begins addict shooting cocaine narcotics kinds so speak. about change not obsessive meanderings. sincerely bj 82536 re my skinny girl traded for fat michael mv something lost gained 82537 re blackbirds revised michael mv what about blacklight as title 82540 re blackbirds revised laurie byro these last days where i pray for the worst quit going to mass and set black candles all around you make me dream of eating out your eyes. winter split roof this morning what were doing but dying wing world go shopping in miller's market once more. mind thin as a thread still wants wants--bowls food love another summer. so bring two bowls heavy tumor behind eye. kneel at edge you. want story they will never tell us wedding dresden honeymoon museums begin. it way want. like stanza one might say pecking eyes though wouldn't tamper with all. loved 82541 re artisans laurie byro nice work. on first read i didn't hear the rhyme so that is good news because doesn't sound forced. my only nits are these thought green rivers was kind of well-worn and last line imo could be better. otherwise it stuff. best a. bowen thanks a think going back to snaked coiled metaphor garter snake or something prolly needs work along with rest this sonnets hard i'm glad got through it. 82542 re artisans laurie byro hi nice but not as rich and layered your usual work. you have set yourself a very high standard. this is pleasant resonant throughout though the ending could perhaps be stronger we practiced an ancient tapestry fine art form found seems tacked on so maybe can somehow reword final line. i much like told me my hair was fragile ladder turbulent green rivers that dared to take us under bit telling well having problem it personifies greatest sin. do piece think works. all best chris feel same ambivilence about poem relashionship of it. thanks 82543 re artisans laurie byro hello i enjoyed a lot about this poem - the non-traditional sonnet form and coincidental rhyming scheme images are lovely. saying that however find there too many of them is overly ornate starting with snakes rain yellow leaves eyes cones fortune tellers hands ladder green river not sure where came from then back to coils finally tapestry art. rhyme enough give cohesive gestalt it looking for sad fact poems. can easily be altered think tightening imagery changing ropes example would echo metaphor or maybe another word we don't usually spin out ladders uncoil so something like 'of my neck uncoiled golden brown. even it's hard relate between. that's line seems have popped in somewhere else completely. hope haven't been nit-picky. does sound nice afternoon ... someday i'd curl up poet just jude hey was garter me prolly comes into play. imagine stitching midevil woods scene but yes jammed imagines you right most part too. shall consider rope idea. thanks 82544 re triolets are fun laurie byro mean days on the bent low with need her noble branches reach for your embrace. each caress she sees death recede days. and wind leaves torn face disgraced. yet still you love her. claws in soil seed through green bend need. i like this think form works here might reconsider though seems shop worn. 82549 re blackbirds revised bowen mv will consider. any particular reason a. 82550 re blackbirds revised bowen jude thanks for the read. i've considered chopping off that first verse as well. i'm sitting on fence about it. not crazy title either. terrible with titles. again. best a. i loved this. here's my gut - delete one and it's put them in 'deleted scenes' file maybe they'll find a home elsewhere. more compassion depth what remains less of poet experience would pathos be word here oh dunno 'wedding dresden 82551 re blackbirds revised bowen amy am considering the chopping of s1. thanks for suggestions. i'm terrible with titles so i'll really rethink this one. again a. i think jude is on to something cutting it read a lot better me that way. some thoughts within and such nice ps. title maybe do service ... 82552 re blackbirds revised bowen laurie i didn't go with pecking because it seemed expected to me so went eating. thanks for the kind words and input read. much appreciated. best a. like stanza one might say out your eyes though but wouldn't tamper this at all. loved 82559 re blackbirds revised bowen yoly will think on it. thanks for the read and comments. much appreciated. best a. ash- how about switching s's 1 2 around s2 has more punch. i loved whole thing. very good work. 82572 re unsent postcard from arkansas bowen yoly i have another last line but thought would try this one out. like to and use a cliche literally in poems when if they work. will rework. thanks for read. best ash ash- is sweet don't know stars eyes has been said before. refuse all cliche's some fit fit. here...you are much more original than that. otherwise how wonderful men ache women do sense. peace 82578 turquoise eyes laurie byro it is midnight. a starry night like the postcard i bought as child at museum of indian. we left school to go on field trip big yellow bus that smelled licorice and grease. wide plastic seats squeaked. can still feel springs under my bottom batting coming out torn seams despite driver s best intentions. rather than be clich was born flaxen haired golden mother twin sister who are native quapaw tribe. they mysterious solemn- eyed when regard me bright green beetle among blood-root roses. am neither here nor there. loved two men then denied one anything but her wild imagination. result reckless copulation. our class made its annual pilgrimage learn more about heritage would wander souvenir section turn pages delft masters wink troubled blues man had sliced his ear for love. wanted rain face in an exotic land called arles or giverny vowed woman leave chiding place dark sky gaze upon alive with glittering people. lean window paris throw arms embrace ones might have fallen. 82579 linguistic exercise asher you may speak like a jinn in bourbon bottle emerge white horse from the ocean foam and beat drum at my wedding. wear an coarse robe. foresee me as husk your corn field. belated goodbye greyhound bus humming on interstate. already forest with gathered hands cabin not unlike shed. we could be. curled up hollow straw. star pricks sky electric eel. squirt of sea propels ledge forward though had oars to move across lake cross another border. borders flaking paper mesmerized servants some despot that breach board trains bulrush fences sheep lined up. now snow is arbitrary forgiver. forge avenues were joints me. law book bound arm but then be frank say i want sheets body bones flesh mine fork. strap back swallow forked tongue left right peel maple tree so sing decks this card queen swords. what horde drink syrup all alone how esteemed mrs breen wandering maniac. soap talks circe cleans diffuses lies stick. mangles into cup bubbles rise they wash talc pumice. clean scream. hell she yells. affair was circle real almost affair. laws are always corporeal politics void. void swallowing wallowing itself bleed out emptiness bed head sword only dream ream soapy water. does do soup love yes said. sonnet. tonight never shiver. doves hovering over lines shine smart can draw pigeon holes pray for every night wild expansive space. rampant moon little spoon holds twitch tapped. know there's competition coming. many alexandrines. wanted give meaningless pearl. it's black nipple. it comes legions fished fossil growth ocean. tumor. grain spelt. lent we'll freeze make lion. am man word. will gather suitors have brooded by these breakers. let once. just saliva string. hurl waves volcano grows waters instead water fish erupt. flowing. shrinks call fertility. slippery legion baskets. parabola said there one distinctive curve. curve fish. eye here take mute eye. bequeath you. hope pull stone. those silent ones arms already. twined elaborate. lock. moves towards promise sir real. other side screen embarked. keys clatter horses hoofs if imaginative. hums groin again microcosm. here. ruminates. someone boy fell off saddle. gray bus. eating dry grass rubber bale. symbol straight face. something vulgar. no paying .exchange horse's hiccup breaks through screen. stillness has face woman listen solvent let's go ride tuscany. gamble storm. brought archipelago. lion's body. when muse. mack truck dodges around hole holy holies. leaps his seat he's buckled down. word caged flute. somewhere conceived grecian ear gold rimmed. still collapses rows static. eels. halter. horse. inherited silence build anthill. avoided rides air buckled. urn. veil confess. 82581 re linguistic exercise asher yes it is overwhelming - i was bored so posted this roughhhh. i'll probably cut at least a quarter of and carve out the rest. suppose have better idea now about process how to begin poem. thanks kindly for considering it. let's see what can make formatting wise you are right... as with s bern's poem found read well journey. can't tell happy makes me through find complete gem end wanted veil confess. actually like line that precedes too. reason i'm pointing those closing lines because...geez whole things's little overwhelming. but not reader isn't left something given take away from save. trip. delight. only quibble's formatting. kinda wish each section formatted in smaller very tight block text perfect square. laurel 82587 re unsent postcard from arkansas bowen hannah this isn't one of my favorite pieces either. in the cold light day as they say i see all flaws you point to. did consider a serious poem no. it's very lightweight and intended it such. just those things that falls out run with it. thanks for read. much appreciated. best ash ash- hey isn t your although has accessible theme many empathetic moments. its relative failure to rise lift away mundane reporting details is maybe part but when end then devolves into language mostly signals me reaching grasping on writer feeling not being transmitted by something predictable we both under stars our eyes doesn do trick. liked most line about wiggling know d like well-phrased dog have heart-to-hearts. wish could escape own box schematic detail at some point. may be too vague criticism if apologize m writing around bouts laundry-doing. any case always thank opportunity read offer opinions. -hannah 82591 re entropy dispersion metz i like as usual. a few things below. good to see you back. best yesterday's smokestacks are broken off on today's ideas. enter take tired -- tend toward cinematic language. here maybe not use it town birmingham al monday would out the adds nothing and interrupts rhythm. most assume if just name seems generically evocative in sense want. morning at rush hour. hills cobbled with smoke. other drivers don't look they did you'd wish didn't . one of them is calculated bad linebreak. dunno works. going heaven but same brown temple lighting. even so gets better. for live underneath. beneath wall break where roadblocks all pushed hell crowd. it's kind place can almost hear conversation upstairs miles away we lower our voices enough might be heard say dave that will above five lines or poem. i'll rockville bethesda marigold disappointment nile mississippi amazon whodunit know how go without me looking big muddy tigris-euphrates boxcar river ... get there last three read blues song. that's thing. think. 82592 re turquoise eyes metz beetle -- hmmm. i guess we all have our prejudices and this poem piques one of mine. know often argue that poetry need not even ought be true or authentic. it is in part the art voice creation going outside oneself. still when attempts to appropriate express as one's own under protection fiction insights unique only fully discernible by a specific ethnic heritage start balk. yeah realize isn't critique. but can't critique poem. me doesn't count. midnight. starry night like postcard bought child at museum indian. left school go on field trip big yellow bus smelled licorice grease. wide plastic seats squeaked. can feel springs my bottom batting coming out torn seams despite driver s best intentions. rather than clich was born flaxen haired golden mother twin sister who are native quapaw tribe. they mysterious solemn- eyed regard bright green among blood-root roses. am neither here nor there. loved two men then denied anything her wild imagination. result reckless copulation. class made its annual pilgrimage learn more about would wander souvenir section turn pages delft masters wink troubled blues man had sliced his ear for love. wanted rain face an exotic land called arles giverny vowed woman leave chiding place dark sky gaze upon alive with glittering people. lean window paris throw arms embrace ones might fallen. 82593 re rearranging revised metz you have a gift for killer lines. - heat rioting the air before voltage rain wide-open may took off in it's own strange way unfortunately they're sometimes islands among sea of um less than laurel pointed out how bee thing was ruined and could easily be kicked up notch. same with choice rings. otherwise very cool image. opening is too reminiscent shall i compare to summer's day without any carry through. no idea what your end didn't reach me means. entire close four lines or so disappoints after much early potential. -- compared late promise warmer night april. dipped teasingly fingers green palm rain. went away. like s farewell kiss it stung. today heard rings wedding pomp unattended seeds began push except were meant spring light wind stirring leaves. off. me. 82629 re turquoise eyes laurie byro ahha revenge is sweet. she ain't no mini-haha. but i'd like to see less of the school bus even as good it and more child. i am neither here nor there doesn't cut it. too telling. was result a reckless night copulation not needed. it's nearly self-evident. love mysterious solemn-eyed when they regard me bright green beetle among blood-root roses. lean out window in paris throw my arms wide embrace ones who might have fallen. anticedent you tie this last image something star falling earlier poem. always barbara s. thanks take special care with words thank for your response detail attention. think should shut up cliched part little did know started fire some one else's wigwam.... how haha sorry wicked sense humour 82630 re turquoise eyes laurie byro beetle -- hmmm. i guess we all have our prejudices and this poem piques one of mine. know often argue that poetry need not even ought be true or authentic. it is in part the art voice creation going outside oneself. still when attempts to appropriate express as one's own under protection fiction insights unique only fully discernible by a specific ethnic heritage start balk. yeah realize isn't critique. but can't critique poem. me doesn't count. metz dear guns roses wish could think poet irish who came out with prize winning book poems weren't real his experience he got highly criticized for it. my sense what count it's far less intrusive take fictional character such use cultural aspects may entirely true. once used person their story had get an ok from someone knew man if facts were good enough present first narrative. was called sunny today south africa appeared aim magazine few hundred dollars prior mandela about friend's friend getting admitted white hospital. largely african american readership believe editors thought am american. walker's possessing secret joy wrote female genital mutilation. fact allows walker do this. grandmother's father dutch rumour no around left ask there native blood hollenbeck clan. american's can identify feeling isolation pervades country children being different. very reason. told on another board worst writing utterly cliched etc. yet ibpc nominated week sort dare vowed write pov blue eyed blond haired indian woman. feel differently acceptible you object something different perspectivr. funny never italian view point because reference none. are north removed european heritage. sorry offended your tender sensibilities metz. 82631 re turquoise eyes laurie byro well i'd offer you an edit but we both know how feel about edits so... grin i hope don't mind after reading your poem and metz's comment used some of the elements in a just wrote--the bus squeaky seats grease licorice starry night. if like i've taken too much say so. i'm not business stealing other poets' words--so think doing that need to know. meanwhile could't help wonder you'd prescribe hormone patch for him too. yeah read carol's crit over on board reaction ya know....this poetry is strange. can't seem make everyone happy all time. which was certainly case with carol. here metz. keep plugging along. end yaysayers outweigh naysayers right wasn't super crazy this poem....but it did pique me enough write so thanks that. laurel ps ever any short fiction have knack description relating experience memories etc. seems be natural at fiction. hi metz needs chill prolly. yes had 3 stories published 90's got paid them gave up story writing never wanted return my early struggles as writer trying go into shows poems 82632 re appropriating my cultural identity laurie byro field trip mustard bus scent of grease and licorice. the restless kicking legs. squeaking seats broken springs. outside world rushed past forests blurred into cities fields vacant lots. van gogh turbulent dervished in pocket. secret. a postcard folded half. stars spinning like that childhood game death. cypress jutting cut sky penis grimly intent. it was penetration always ruined me night pierced pricked that. at museum we watched footage unbelievably holiest holies. ghost dance filmed for our education entertainment. souls stolen with each flicker frame as class yawned shuffled on to next exhibit. you can t see blackfoot me. reflected mirror i am immaculate sun-blonde sky-blue cloud-white. not speck reservation dust or third squalor ever marred this european flesh. have running water. roof above head. toilet. is miracle. astonished nor impressed. proudly now check box indicating ethnicity. whole sixteenth. tiny droplet. heritage. scant. west here stereotypically cousins take another swig weave dream- catcher deal hand. least s how imagine it. m native don know where from but born cleveland. home indians. beneath paleness great grandmother name swear blood red. hi laurel well can't say your poem any better than mine smiling basically think rewritten different form if said after anyone knows would be more ok case will prolly piss metz off double tag team so may succeeded there. 82635 re turquoise eyes laurie byro you know i hesitate to even post this because realize there are extraneous things that part of how feeling and reacting crits here m not party a big old grouch about stuff people who would just as soon have me steer clear their work in general. o put any words metz s mouth. he brilliant know. talks fine for himself. but. blogger was reading afternoon complaining briefly the confessional voice authorial voice. but really my problem don t want be misunderstood. dislike poem if thought author full-blooded cherokee princess help or woodchuck. i.e. it language trope writing is problematic skin-color grandmother. what interpreted comments poet dare write an other cultural ethnic experience manner which tropes accessed use themselves something predicative stereotyping colonizing act operating too much banal surface clich . no understanding narrator at end anything than vehicle declension feels like blonde indian. lot sort mode. maybe fine. certainly seems do sure could only get nominated ibpc probably published print. doesn justify poem. perhaps isn fair come down so hard on by-product typical post-modern academic process think we all remiss readers weren willing engage sociopolitical critique well hey pretty colors critique. read attempts explore identity woman with native american heritage does look white people. joke mostly though her efforts problematize own stereotype exactly same thing mother yes honestly strike inauthentic. seem depth reality being thrust into position between two very different idioms. chinese revolution talk using four five generic signposts might question comprehension memes claim exploring. ve sherman alexie haven enjoy his novels. most them indian killer specific deal deserves. ever williams elsie sprang mind too. last least d share passage from lahiri novel namesake great book first-generation immigrant america. embodies more earnest reactive handling themes your touches on. chapter where character gogol has gone class fieldtrip cemetery students attempt uncover some common relationship ancestral headstones then suddenly crayon meets slight resistance letters one after another emerge magically page abijah craven 1701-45. never met person named now realizes gogol. wonders pronounce whether it's man's woman's name. walks tombstone less foot tall presses sheet paper its surface. says anguish mather child. shudders imagining bones larger below ground. children already bored project begin chasing around stones pushing teasing snapping gum. goes grave hand bringing life name another. peregrine wotton d. 1699. ezekiel uriah lockwood brothers r.i.p. likes these names oddness flamboyance. those don't see often days chaperones passing by looking rubbings remarks. yours. until occurred die over time they perish do. problems may explained fact crafted. found narrative far didactic bogged mundane reportage. chronology skewed. over-telling can still feel. am neither nor there. wanted leave. rather needless detail seat-stuffing enthralls mean museum anyway hope offended way. topic interested thoughts. been paid short story. once got twenty-five cents cleaning out mom friend jim car when seven. disgusting took hours felt enormously cheated handed quarter. ll teach me. thanks chance respond. -hannah detailed response gives about. i'm entirely happy posting on-line poetry workshops lately shall excellent save enthusiasm better workshopping wish back classroom good combine live on-line. forward references you've outlined represents best didn't deserve bashing makes remember early teacher telling she sent dogs were poems off learn feel have. responding hannah. 82636 re when there is an interruption in a life michael mv this reminds me that my whole one big for celebrations left untoasted universal 82641 re entropy dispersion raysweat good stuff here. i agree with all of metz's suggestions. 82642 flit raysweat it is a dark flitting thing can turn the black sky white-grey soft sheets into fluffy clouds that wrap tightly around neck blue blood red rivers wet mouths dry tourniquets skeleton trees shimmering ravens forever seeking what s not here. i called love once. but was only distorted reflection of me in your late night pane if were gothic policeman perhaps could arrest with painted handcuffs as rests briefly on lucid ledge plotting its next move. 82645 space asher describe a thing by the auditory that it environs or doesn't. father. country of anxiety fear papacy for lack better word. decribe home empties itself at corner where pansies spill out air. but what is there behind these closed doors on texture linoleum paws an animal you can't discern tap between heart beat and may not has invented to growing cankerous. call panic irony in koran never read somehow know book as prayer your ear from mother tongue just before fell asleep. language spoken around don't understand clothes gesture affection. something auditory. father's hands water ivy with touch draining him like he pours out. alone again sound evokes key falling granite mantle. homing perhaps opening emptying admit scene two vantage points neither which khyber pass place men sell guns moslem brother green tea gun without expectation. are fired weddings brotherly bullets make sky crack linoleum. choked words now piece was cut speaking somewhere cannot locate. 82647 re space asher i can't format worth shit on this site. these line breaks are all screwed. so excuse them if they seem clipped in places. actually consider the first line. want a break to appear after environs. same with for lack one . perhaps you can follow that pattern until figure out. thanks. ____________________ describe thing by auditory it environs or doesn't. father motherland. country of anxiety fear papacy better word. home empties itself at corner where pansies spill out air. but what is there behind closed doors texture linoleum paws an animal discern between tap heart beat and may not has invented growing cankerous. call panic irony koran never read somehow know book as prayer your ear from mother tongue just before fell asleep. language spoken around don't understand clothes gesture affection. something auditory. father's hands water ivy touch draining him like he pours alone again sound evokes key falling granite mantle.something homing opening emptying admit scene two vantage points neither which khyber pass place men sell guns moslem brother green tea gun without expectation. fired weddings brotherly bullets make sky crack linoleum. choked words now piece was cut speaking somewhere cannot locate. 82648 re space asher damn it ignore this. i'm on heroin. 82649 fields of sadness in bloom jz maybe because i m holding my son and can feel the fever his small body toast arms chest think life s knock joke. who there why you crying aren t glad didn say orange when was ten devil rose out steam radiator bedroom. punch line is he hissed dissipated. malls old folks try to rewind clock by walking laps before stores open. spencer gifts j.c. penney s. shops cruised as a teen potwasher epicure deli love with fantasy not dungeons dragon but inner stuff drifting rock roll headphones batting averages sexual deviation flipped coin taking over made-up nations flesh colored crumbling beautiful paper rising happiness falling invisible zebras stung condition. this has nothing do me. oldest calls wants talk needs someone older survey for humanities class. about manhood. at end comes regrets. tell him. father said wanted meet me end. towards what knew cringed thought. trapped car snow new york forgot questions. forget advice answers. forgot. touched hand mistake. fever. flowers were asters. no. mums. cosmos. zinnias. cares do. orange. 82650 re turquoise eyes metz not offended in the least dear just buying in. maybe i've seen too many well-intentioned anglos selling dreamcatchers or hawking sweat lodge experiences something. to mention not-so-well-intentioned. -- guns and roses i wish could think of poet irish who came out with a prize winning book poems that weren't real his experience he got highly criticized for it. have my own sense what doesn't count guess it's far less intrusive take fictional character such as use cultural aspects may be entirely true. once used person their story me had get an ok from someone knew this man if facts were good enough present first narrative. was called sunny today south africa appeared aim magazine few hundred dollars it prior mandela about friend's friend getting admitted all white hospital. largely african american readership believe editors thought am american. walker's possessing secret joy poem wrote female genital mutilation. fact allows walker do this. grandmother's father dutch rumour no one around left ask there is native blood hollenbeck clan. american's can identify feeling isolation pervades our country children being different. very specific reason. told on another board worst writing utterly cliched etc. yet ibpc nominated week sort dare vowed write pov blue eyed blond haired indian woman. we feel differently acceptible you object something different perspectivr. funny never italian view point because reference none. are north removed european heritage. sorry your tender sensibilities metz. laurie 82651 re space jz you might be on h i am one half a g t away from sleep. restless. this poem to me reads perfect wonderfully until discern -- then it seems the poet is trying too hard and some editing could take place. for certain would cut last stanza. end at linoleum. think stevens said in essay that should always stop despite my objections truly liked poem. so far. can't format worth shit site. these line breaks are all screwed. excuse them if they seem clipped places. actually consider first line. want break appear after environs. same with lack . perhaps can follow pattern figure out. thanks. ____________________ describe thing by auditory environs or doesn't. father motherland. country of anxiety fear papacy better word. home empties itself corner where pansies spill out air. but what there behind closed doors texture linoleum paws an animal between tap heart beat may not has invented growing cankerous. call panic irony koran never read somehow know book as prayer your ear mother tongue just before fell asleep. language spoken around don't understand clothes gesture affection. something auditory. father's hands water ivy touch draining him like he pours alone again sound evokes key falling granite mantle.something homing opening emptying admit scene two vantage points neither which khyber pass place men sell guns moslem brother green tea gun without expectation. fired weddings brotherly bullets make sky crack choked words now piece was speaking somewhere cannot locate. 82652 re flit jz ray...i am very interested by your poem...some possible edits for you to yeah or nay. means cut. it is a dark flitting thing can turn the black sky white-grey soft sheets into fluffy clouds that wrap tightly around neck blue blood red rivers wet mouths dry tourniquets skeleton trees shimmer ing ravens forever seeking what s not here . i call ed love once. but was only distorted reflection of me in late night pane if were gothic policeman perhaps could arrest with painted handcuffs as rests briefly on lucid ledge plotting its next move. 82653 re appropriating my cultural identity jz i remember the buses smelling like piss and leather -- or what thought smelled know piss. liked your poem here core of it so course wanted to channge it. below. field trip mustard bus scent grease licorice. restless kicking legs. squeaking seats broken springs. outside world rushed past forests blurred into cities fields vacant lots. van gogh turbulent dervished in pocket. secret. a postcard folded half. stars spinning that childhood game. death. cypress jutting cut sky penis grimly intent. was penetration ruined me night pierced pricked that. at museum we watched footage unbelievably holiest holies. ghost dance. souls stolen with each flickering frame. class yawned shuffled on next exhibit. you can t see blackfoot me. mirror am immaculate. not speck reservation dust third squalor. have running water. roof above head. toilet. astonished impressed. proudly now check box indicating ethnicity. whole sixteenth. heritage. west stereotypically cousins take another swig weave dream- catcher deal hand. least s how imagine don where m from. cleveland. home indians. beneath paleness great grandmother name. 82654 re appropriating my cultural identity revised jz i keep reading your native as naive. of course posted a response to original poem and missed this revision. now lack the energy do it again. assume version maybe took out some concerns with first. if not well loop-di-do. imprisonment aka field trip contained within mustard bus stench sweat bodies pressed against sticky bodies. restless kick legs constant eyes busdriver upon us watching. outside world rushed past forests blurred into cities fields vacant lots. van gogh's eye turbulent dervished in pocket. secret. postcard bent half. stars spinning like that childhood game death. cypress jutting cutting sky penis grimly intent. was penetration ruined me night pierced pricked that. scribbled on back scrawl from man never met. honey began you don't know me. ended love dad. at museum we stared footage. ghost dance filmed for our education entertainment. holiest holies. souls stolen each flickering frame. class yawned collectively shuffled next exhibit. can t see blackfoot reflected mirror am immaculate sun-blonde sky-blue cloud-white. speck reservation dust or third squalor ever marred european flesh. have running water. roof above head. toilet. these are miracles. astonished. proudly check box indicating ethnicity. whole sixteenth. droplet. heritage. scant. west here stereotypically cousins take another swig weave dream- catcher deal hand. least s how imagine it. m don where but born cleveland. home indians. beneath paleness forget great grandmother name blood veins runs red. 82655 re examining jz the title i think is a stretch...or at least for me. second stanza weak and could be cut. would cut modesty in first stanza. not sold on bubbles yet. enjoyed. she wonders what it was like him to watch her bobbing waxy promises. fibers of red-spool unravel modestly. murmur hangs thin. acquaintances have been stamping stares s baggage from abroad. can say thank you asking inside soaking scalding bath lavender mingles with old him. unwraps attachments that archived his smell under breasts welcomes pinch comes dangling arms tub side as check out. 82656 re bitter wine jz i liked this. seems real. would consider cutting in the first line. and schizo doesn't seem right. might change ending to sobs that she loves me. through lips another man answers. drink white driving town for a bottle of red can't find my keys. stepdaughter phones hear voice answers love you lips. 82657 phidippides rationalizes at a corinth wateringhole metz watering hole nbsp one more for the road 250k way ain t stone s throw even pro. nbspnot bitchin. just sayin. specially when sparta destination. sparta. buncha jerks all anal about their bronze grieves go dissin us every chance they get makin athenian some kinda dirty word. call girlygirls communists names been invented yet. nazis heh. nbsptwo can play blah blah. two as if gonna hoplite it past isthmus to save our collective ass from darius. any- way. athens leg an easy piece. springs. inns. cobblers. purple-toed vintner daughters offerin roadside succor among arbors. makes messagin luxury gives soul-poor lung-rich man shot elysium. sure beats sweatin in sad phalanx on beach pissin my armor waitin persians start slaughter. 3 4 megara though things rubble up right quick. nbspgrey olives fist cliffs like whores worthless coin. grey curs bark heels. loins ache grade. olive-skinned girls back docks. i run poor over land. check out. this is what do you still with me til rich tilled corinth. millions fer da rode come of docksluts ship-dragging slaves sailors drag art -- comes time yerself bowl or and ask its be obsolete. mean we so smart hurry got against horses not melntion canals bob here juts give new job. sit see stiff sore guys love hey did mention runnin talk tranpstortation technologolgy catch ups legend. job bob. but clamps cralves. funny feelin bazillion years now svhannah full o kenyans mighty dipsadointed me. 82658 ibpc please metz i suspect it's what sparked the poem but i'd take older son thing out of this altogether. excise that stanza cleanly and is even perfecter. somehow make dying dad sound a little bit less like -- something read ... tuesdays with morrie that's not it. was it big help. fields sadness in bloom maybe because m holding my can feel fever his small body toast arms chest think life s knock joke. who there why you crying aren t glad didn say orange when ten devil rose steam radiator bedroom. punch line he hissed dissipated. malls old folks try to rewind clock by walking laps before stores open. spencer gifts j.c. penney s. shops cruised as teen potwasher epicure deli love fantasy dungeons dragon inner stuff drifting rock roll headphones batting averages sexual deviation flipped coin taking over made-up nations flesh colored crumbling beautiful paper rising happiness falling invisible zebras stung condition. has nothing do me. oldest calls wants talk needs someone survey for humanities class. about manhood. at end comes regrets. tell him. father said wanted meet me end. towards knew cringed thought. trapped car snow new york forgot questions. forget advice answers. forgot. touched hand mistake. fever. flowers were asters. no. mums. cosmos. zinnias. cares do. orange. 82659 re gunnysack full of herrings metz if you got a collection this kinda shit email and let me know please. i be buyin. it's good night reading. not to mention wine. thank you. few notes suggestions below. -- throw them off the scent-- shrews. cat o'gunnysack rotten fish across my marriage path where scouts wife her stale scoratory friends. out house they attack from gossip note sure get sense up games bridge persiflage. but am clever-- won't find out. i'll follow two girls walking drury lane past meemer's gallery arts slipprey's bar into arthur park. pal o gunny will do trick-- allow thoughts overlay compare-- emendations scents girl-glazed overly delight sugarloaf-in-cinnamon wife's crust day-old bargain wonder bread. sends monger-skirts town by taxicab-- look under bridges subways shops confluence rivers. o'gunnysac in his apt mephitics leads their suspicions on-- hebrides ile d'oleron la rochell vendean coast suspire for pastry oriental tea-- three o'clock rest at bourne on touquet. fly wind roar safe fantasy chinese girl slips fingers mine other face dashed with features siberian turk turns hummingbird eyes. carousel sings spins we degrees escape happy silence recline-- master boileau marram grass e aliee duchess de maine auteuil. don't allusion so dunno refers or pursuing hags 'plock plock ' fountains splash river stones fat cicadas flute cling chestnut trees lemur boys chase female tailed calla-kay. maybe sacrifice sound park retrace steps back meemer window tarry. watch tarry bit too affected turn raise collars against hint rain one degree solitude retrieve go sumac way bridge. sbern 82678 re to know god bj there are places where this is awkward read. and the i do not gets a little tiring. last line falls way short of what promised. tepid sins really flat. sorry can't be more encouraging. you've written better poems. sincerely after dale others though sang hymns kneeled in pews while too much perfume rolled over me from heated hall we children crowded along back wall front door s draft. studied pictures job boils flood debris fall babel adam thief cross without flies or pain - drawn so as frighten children. was frightened when child. my grandmother did tried teach first wife but gave up teaching neighborly saints their visits less lessons than an obligation for good works. have listened sages rabbis barefoot masters walked through holy pages followed abraham he journeyed around crescent rich with herds white cattle donkeys black sheep. suspect knows no longer smiles at sins. 82680 re blackbirds revised bowen laurel thanks for the read. s1 troubles me a lot too. i have lain awake at night fixated on it. toss it or keep do like idea of never mentioning death. that's interesting. will consider. read and such. best ash be daring. call this then mention those in poem. let image set tone. besides first stanza....is too no mean almost kicks out strikes as histrionic comparison to rest say talk about dying without talking eh know. can hear you from here screaming shut up smile now here's my edit if didn't already love more than could possibly stand grin morning winter split roof there were wing world go shopping miller's market once more. your mind thin thread still wants what wants--bowls food another last summer. so bring two bowls filled brim. kneel edge. want story us they'll tell wedding dresden honeymoon museums begin. changed some stuff. know don't mind. it's wants. give that disregard meddlesome ways. ever any jane kenyon 82681 re phidippides rationalizes at a corinth watering bj i just have to dissent and say like this lot. love the language. it's hilarious pointed. not much if anything change for me. sincerely hole one more road 250k way ain t stone s throw even pro. bitchin. sayin. specially when sparta destination. sparta. buncha jerks all anal about their bronze grieves go dissin us every chance they get makin athenian some kinda dirty word. call girlygirls communists names been invented yet. nazis heh. two can play blah blah. as gonna hoplite it past isthmus save our collective ass from darius. any- way. athens leg an easy piece. springs. inns. cobblers. purple-toed vintner daughters offerin roadside succor among arbors. makes messagin luxury gives soul-poor lung-rich man shot elysium. sure beats sweatin in sad phalanx on beach pissin my armor waitin persians start slaughter. 3 4 megara though things rubble up right quick. grey olives fist cliffs whores worthless coin. curs bark heels. loins ache grade. olive-skinned girls back docks. run poor over land. check out. is what do you still with me til rich tilled corinth. millions fer da rode come of docksluts ship-dragging slaves sailors drag art -- comes time yerself bowl or ask its be obsolete. mean we so smart hurry got against horses melntion canals bob here juts give new job. sit see stiff sore guys hey did mention runnin talk tranpstortation technologolgy catch ups legend. job bob. but clamps cralves. funny feelin bazillion years now svhannah full o kenyans mighty dipsadointed 82693 re space asher thank god hannah. you understand this poem about as good i it. and elucidate it brilliantly. sent crit to davey...hehe. best regards asher- just get better better. think is writing. keep having readjust my opinion of your writing each time post. much more controlled accessible but still those folds in the fabric a story that open up itself reader. find sbern s words delightful don t know how help with linebreak thing. anytime use return or enter key on keyboard posting box will signal line break. if want can html do thus forcing breaks where them. lines are very long they wrap unless escape frames when view page which always so never problem for me. other than linebreaks thought punctuation was huge mess sometimes makes hard discern effect particular phrase because doesn seem fall properly into sequence . there number elements moving through inadequacy sound speech create recreate describe physical bachelard idea working home room emblematic rooms house soul ok augustine too ll live sloppy citations we have corners doors linoleum mantle these serve metaphorical sign-posts well literal markers home-space. some telling observations be made here then corner not things come together converge emptied narrator moment joining always-already splitting apart being empty. also multi-fold two countries histories an immigrant experience moslem new world people father brothers self language. cases place identity spills out lost meaning misheard foreign embody handle one sticks me call language spoken around don't clothes gesture affection. what great most all words. lack right creating anxiety missing between events misapprehension misinterpretation. know. addition ongoing unfortunately somewhat aggrieved discussion has been happening board. particularly embodies struggle simultaneously absorb disparate unified history understanding such machinated self-created peculiar any instance .longing rejection dunno. fix enough thinking anyway. must trot off another now thanks this. -hannah 82694 re space asher hannah-- i'm not happy with a couple of things in this now. 1 i don't like the linking paws bullets. sky cracking bit poem is bothersome. note that want to get across final narrative section idea one both belongs fears their own cultual heritage figured as man shooting guns at wedding affection and terror. doesn't convey so need new line. 2 futhermore placement last two line although do lines. sure if they are necessary. perhaps can be inserted elsewhere. dunno. sort frame psycological state narrator. 3 enjambment. joint where philosophical joins narrative. least potential confusion it cause. may interpreted surreal when isn't that. leaving out punctuation preceeding capitalizing first word talking myself sorry. 4 most bothersome part which wasn't intended posted was tapping one. supposed say heart-beat happens between paw taps. looks mess way grammatically. anyway. thanks for understanding piece asher- you just better better. think good writing. keep having readjust my opinion your writing each time post. much more controlled accessible but still those folds fabric story open up itself reader. find sbern s words delightful don t know how help linebreak thing. anytime use return or enter key on keyboard posting box will signal break. html thus forcing breaks them. lines very long wrap unless escape frames view page always never problem me. other than linebreaks thought huge sometimes makes hard discern effect particular phrase because doesn seem fall properly into sequence . there number elements moving through inadequacy sound speech create recreate describe physical bachelard working home room emblematic rooms house soul ok augustine too ll live sloppy citations we have corners doors linoleum mantle these serve metaphorical sign-posts well literal markers home-space. some telling observations made here then corner come together converge emptied narrator moment joining always-already splitting apart being empty. also multi-fold countries histories an immigrant experience moslem world people father brothers self language. cases place identity spills lost meaning misheard foreign embody handle sticks me call language spoken around understand clothes gesture affection. what great all words. lack right creating anxiety missing events misapprehension misinterpretation. know. addition ongoing unfortunately somewhat aggrieved discussion has been happening board. particularly embodies struggle simultaneously absorb disparate unified history such machinated self-created peculiar any instance .longing rejection fix enough thinking about it. must trot off another now this. -hannah 82695 re space asher jz-- thanks for picking up on the grammatical mess i got myself into after dicern . see second note to hannah if you like definitely an edit is called for. no i'm not h - my nerves are bit frayed from exploring things that probably shouldn't. maybe we should all just write lsat and forget about poetry literature. bacon was right standing vantage ground of truth traps metaphorical labyrinths donne. disengage. law school or something. a cushy job in government. both can go hand hand...writing having good job. possibly latter assumption romantic fallacy. poet as struggling alone without money. how funny. must deconstruct. might be am one half g t away sleep. restless. this poem me reads perfect wonderfully until discern -- then it seems trying too hard some editing could take place. certain would cut last stanza. end at linoleum. think stevens said essay always stop despite objections truly liked poem. so far. 82699 re to know god bowen g.b. there is a great michael burns poem whose title escapes me where the used as would-be first line for every strophe. since you want repeat i don't which think isn't working so well might consider this. on technical note rely much too heavily prepositional phrases in prep can add rolling feel poems that when read make seem loose and less concrete. that's what i'd work on. will strengthen this little. like content. best a. after dale others do not though sang hymns kneeled pews while perfume rolled over from heated hall we children crowded along back wall front door s draft. studied pictures of job boils flood debris fall babel adam thief cross without flies or pain - drawn frighten children. was frightened child. my grandmother did tried teach wife but gave up teaching neighborly saints their visits lessons than an obligation good works. have listened sages rabbis barefoot masters walked through holy pages followed abraham he journeyed around crescent rich with herds white cattle donkeys black sheep. suspect knows no longer smiles at tepid sins. 82707 mother tongue asher last poem i'm posting this week. criting weekend. much. ________________ affection and terror of absorption or malabsorption in a piece story that is missing. you can still speak the absence body country. are speaking. could be something meaning missing place now wanting prayer. build home where two worlds do not intersect collapsing fiction. language need to learn for movement crawling out yourself. know will neither but driven like joint father land. perhaps nothing joins joining again another room call anymore. don't want echoes. space move. echoes have symmetry fails does rise fall assert itself until it becomes sensual. tongue. empty into muse. moves multilaterally. house collapsed fragments moving. 82708 re moonshot bowen jude thanks for the read. i had hoped it would at least appear to be fun. as feeling originally earth wheeling our way weightlessness. do you think that better again read and comments. best a. hello ab what a fun poem. hmmm i'd like know how he did that. im going drop comments within respectfully great title night sky shivered with stars my neighbor walked because any clear will 'shiver stars' find using 'the' here bit too contrived. not sure options are however liked enjambment on moon. below him we watched--his wife me entire neighborhood one by opening doors peering up from miniature mounds of lives. smiled waved all works although wanted say out didn't can't visualize houses looking loved break after 'waved' his arms balance. star skipped landed launched laughing milky way. light but weeks arched feet waited gravity grow itself awesome two lines maybe end 'grow itself' into myth. never left weightlessness work - imagine fingers trying feel could 'finding weightlessness' or ... secretly were sad until someone among us mused wonder he'll get back. why about 82709 re moonshot bowen most enjoyable ash yoly thanks yoly. i appreciate the read and comments. this won't be everyone's cup of tea as cliche goes but after blackbirds needed something light y'know best 82712 re ted burke what good is giving students more time for studies if you don't make them interested in learning that the problem and why we are falling behind. no one pretends teaching isn't essential element getting to perform better academically but reason clearly about we're behind across board lack of resources give education which translates into money hire best educators needed ensure lessons learned may be built upon as graduate go upper classes. moreover kids do not learn how from mistakes. won't allow mistakes anymore. 2 5 longer wrong a attempt hey it was written down correctly. i'm old school myself subjects like science math there right answers attaining reading skills have based on rules grammer spelling . our future scientists business people political leaders will find new solutions going problems unless they solid base their chosen fields. schools need teach think. just get ready standardized tests. think yes current system standard three months off forget previous does push forward. lenthening year help. summer homework help it's done last week anyway curricula will. along with revamped motivates ensures success way reversing america's slide areas where must excel. 82715 re fields of sadness in bloom sc my crit vocab isn't jack - so may i just say found this ve very enjoyable a pleasure to find here. like campaigns reads campings mind secondary internal meaning ie encamp.. that and the remainder stanza esp resonant ear. title apt context j mood's rilke on love other difficulties contains some mature selections worth consideration topic as well. thanks for posting here opportunity comment last poem struck me similarly believe placed at ibc. maybe because m holding son can feel fever his small body toast arms chest think life s knock joke. who there why you crying aren t glad didn orange when was ten devil rose out steam radiator bedroom. punch line is he hissed dissipated. malls old folks try rewind clock by walking laps before stores open. spencer gifts j.c. penney s. shops cruised teen potwasher epicure deli with fantasy not dungeons dragon but inner stuff drifting rock roll headphones batting averages sexual deviation flipped coin taking over made-up nations flesh colored crumbling beautiful paper rising happiness falling invisible zebras stung condition. has nothing do me. oldest calls wants talk needs someone older survey humanities class. about manhood. end comes regrets. tell him. father said wanted meet end. towards what knew cringed thought. trapped car snow new york forgot questions. forget advice answers. forgot. touched hand mistake. fever. flowers were asters. no. mums. cosmos. zinnias. cares do. orange. 82723 jz i like this poem too but michael mv have a bit of reservation re the title. 82725 last call for ibpc nominations michael mv http www.webdelsol.com bbs zineweb zineweb.cgi read 9932 and a good weekend to every one 82736 re mother tongue mikem last poem i'm posting this week. criting weekend. much. ________________ affection and terror of absorption or malabsorption in a piece story that is missing. you can still speak the absence body country. are speaking. could be something meaning missing place now wanting prayer. build home where two worlds do not intersect collapsing fiction. language need to learn for movement crawling out yourself. know will neither but driven like joint father land. perhaps nothing joins joining again another room call anymore. don't want echoes. space move. echoes have symmetry fails does rise fall assert itself until it becomes sensual. tongue. empty into muse. moves multilaterally. house collapsed fragments moving. --------------------------------------------- hey asher shades ammons here perhpas more than shade perhapds heavy dusting such bad thing. i sounds takes its ability make one pause consider esoterics. however would enjoy knowing about revelation empower allow emotional development think. peace mike. 82737 re phidippides rationalizes at a corinth watering mikem hole one more for the road 250k way ain t stone s throw even pro. not bitchin. just sayin. specially when sparta destination. sparta. buncha jerks all anal about their bronze grieves go dissin us every chance they get makin athenian some kinda dirty word. call girlygirls communists names been invented yet. nazis heh. two can play blah blah. as if gonna hoplite it past isthmus to save our collective ass from darius. any- way. athens leg an easy piece. springs. inns. cobblers. purple-toed vintner daughters offerin roadside succor among arbors. makes messagin luxury gives soul-poor lung-rich man shot elysium. sure beats sweatin in sad phalanx on beach pissin my armor waitin persians start slaughter. 3 4 megara though things rubble up right quick. grey olives fist cliffs like whores worthless coin. curs bark heels. loins ache grade. olive-skinned girls back docks. i run poor over land. check out. this is what do you still with me til rich tilled corinth. millions fer da rode come of docksluts ship-dragging slaves sailors drag art -- comes time yerself bowl or and ask its be obsolete. mean we so smart hurry got against horses melntion canals bob here juts give new job. sit see stiff sore guys love hey did mention runnin talk tranpstortation technologolgy catch ups legend. job bob. but clamps cralves. funny feelin bazillion years now svhannah full o kenyans mighty dipsadointed me. ------------------------------------------------- coulda contenda...... rip-roaring energy poem invokes wonderful images launguage approach. it's tough critique such becuase by very nature teling don't damn think that's good thing. peace mike. 82738 re fields of sadness in bloom mikem maybe because i m holding my son and can feel the fever his small body toast arms chest think life s knock joke. who there why you crying aren t glad didn say orange when was ten devil rose out steam radiator bedroom. punch line is he hissed dissipated. malls old folks try to rewind clock by walking laps before stores open. spencer gifts j.c. penney s. shops cruised as a teen potwasher epicure deli love with fantasy not dungeons dragon but inner stuff drifting rock roll headphones batting averages sexual deviation flipped coin taking over made-up nations flesh colored crumbling beautiful paper rising happiness falling invisible zebras stung condition. this has nothing do me. oldest calls wants talk needs someone older survey for humanities class. about manhood. at end comes regrets. tell him. father said wanted meet me end. towards what knew cringed thought. trapped car snow new york forgot questions. forget advice answers. forgot. touched hand mistake. fever. flowers were asters. no. mums. cosmos. zinnias. cares do. orange. ---------------------------------------------- poem's title one giant cliche. come on better. poem had some good images..however it also filled too much sentiment places wanting made if watching lifetime movie channel marathon sap runs off trees... peace mike. 82739 the river it rises mikem all those complacent years made me feel euphoric as a woodstock hippy but now this rebel i ve never known spreads its cancer like greed across flood plain. ambiguity has been abandoned. so too need for mystery you continue to climb lower porch steps. silly man thought boy who loved keeping secrets far more than giving them up and showing how easy is spirit away life we known. was wrong that s have believe in now. heron borne ceaselessness with pencil-thick legs stands atop submerged picnic table. are nature-instinct self same thing somehow through days gives cadence energy or there no purpose any of other filling bill minnows eight few hours which minutes gather tangled flotsam not received phone call email from iraq. pleasant think could escalate back zero moments when imagine compassion accessible chaos laughter remains better part sunlight washes down summer green bank. 82740 re fields of sadness in bloom raysweat hi jv i'm afraid i agree with mike m on this one. perhaps some serious editing you might have something here. 82741 re flit raysweat ray...i am very interested by your poem...some possible edits for you to yeah or nay. means cut. thanks commenting jv...looks like nobody else wants to. totally destroy it but anyway. 82742 re flit jz ok raysweet -- no offense intended. just my take on it. thanks for commenting jv...looks like nobody else wants to. your edits totally destroy it but anyway. 82743 re ibpc please jz thanks metz...never read or saw tuesdays with morrie -- but i get the idea that stanza is too sappy i'll see what can do suspect it's sparked poem i'd take older son thing out of this altogether. excise cleanly and even perfecter. somehow make dying dad sound a little bit less like something ... that's not it. was it big help. metz 82744 re fields of sadness in bloom jz thanks sc i think the comment suggesting campaigns disappeared maybe -- i'll take it under consideration title poem is taken from rilke's 10th elegy duino elegies. appreciate your help my crit vocab isn't jack - so may just say found this ve very enjoyable a pleasure to find here. like reads campings mind secondary internal meaning ie encamp.. that and remainder stanza esp resonant ear. apt context j mood's rilke on love other difficulties contains some mature selections worth topic as well. for posting here opportunity last struck me similarly believe placed at ibc. 82747 re jz i like this poem too but seems others do -- was reading rilke and a line from the 10th in duino elegies i'll see what else can come up with problem losing it think is that ties end of so maybe need to lose who knows. thanks have bit reservation title. mv 82748 re fields of sadness in bloom jz i'm assuming you meant was that the part where father wants to meet is written way too sentimentally -- not gesture sentimental if i assume wrong. poem's title a line lifted from rilke's duino elegies many cliches there.... thanks for your comments one giant cliche. come on can do better. poem had some good images..however it also filled with much sentiment and places wanting towards end made me feel as watching lifetime movie channel marathon sap runs off trees... peace mike. 82749 re fields of sadness in bloom jz thanks raysweet -- i've had enough suggestions for places the poem to cut that i could seriously edit it about 3 lines. i'll mull all over hi jv i'm afraid agree with mike m on this one. perhaps some serious editing you might have something here. 82775 re not an aubade love song for imagined husba mikem husband assay then this daily risk trick of trusting that the body in lightlessness a vessel emptied bereft and thought will rise to occasion skeleton muscles contained barely beneath skin support mortal weight again. how is possible day by does happen all it taken so granted. goes always without saying ever needing be said. too dread. s why we live but kicks sheets off restless legs pries weary lids wide open. last night after light quit our room i listened you balloon dark with your breath wept absence monotonous rhythm. years from now ll regret memorizing sound out steady even dream quickened or slowed tempo. honey what leave unsaid know. already sun has risen. when dead gone miss more than myself. only way can put choking stuttering. ----------------------------------------------- lkd reading am reminded ethereal quality found olds gluck. however also concerned about some decisions use phrases such as which having been much before poetry could drag poem toward overt sentiment. said don't believe course. emotion earned believable. tell me person themselves please enjoyed. peace mike. ps...thanks steeler yet still grieve 82786 re fields of sadness in bloom raysweat thanks raysweet -- i've had enough suggestions for places the poem to cut that i could seriously edit it about 3 lines. i'll mull all over jz hee...i know what you mean jz...everybody's got an opinion don't they coming from different perspectives. it's worth though there is some good imagery here. 82789 re flit raysweat ok raysweet -- no offense intended. just my take on it. none taken jv nor meant in response. thanks for your take. ray 82790 re the river it rises raysweat hi mike while i like some of lines find hard to follow as tone seems vary from almost obvious obtuse a blatant philosophical commentary sentimentalism. just my take. all those complacent years made me feel euphoric woodstock hippy but now this rebel ve never known spreads its cancer greed across flood plain. ambiguity has been abandoned. so too need for mystery you continue climb lower porch steps. silly man thought boy who loved keeping secrets far more than giving them up and showing how easy is spirit away life we known. was wrong that s have believe in now. heron borne ceaselessness with pencil-thick legs stands atop submerged picnic table. are nature-instinct self same thing somehow through days gives cadence energy or there no purpose any other filling bill minnows eight few hours which minutes gather tangled flotsam not received phone call email iraq. pleasant think could escalate back zero moments when imagine compassion accessible chaos laughter remains better part sunlight washes down summer green bank. 82795 re not an aubade love song for imagined husba sc the opening and through mid-section genre of this writing leaves impression similar to circumstantial loneliness subsequent tormented longing as documented in biographical tales virginia woolf. beyond mid-way piece seems vacillate more modern language i would have liked seen initial style carried end. - aformentioned context that life-long malady understand unequivocally concept living dead missing another self. thank you opportunity read husband assay then daily risk trick trusting body lightlessness a vessel emptied bereft thought will rise occasion skeleton muscles contained barely beneath skin support mortal weight again. how is possible day by does happen all it taken so granted. goes always without saying ever needing be said. too dread. s why we live but kicks sheets off restless legs pries weary lids wide open. last night after light quit our room listened balloon dark with your breath wept absence monotonous rhythm. years from now ll regret memorizing sound out steady even dream quickened or slowed tempo. honey what leave unsaid know. already sun has risen. when gone miss than myself. only way can put choking stuttering. ----------------------------------------------- lkd reading am reminded ethereal quality found olds gluck. however also concerned about some decisions use phrases such which having been much before poetry could drag poem toward overt sentiment. said don't believe course. emotion earned believable. tell me person themselves please enjoyed. peace mike. ps...thanks steeler yet still grieve 82801 re fields of sadness in bloom sc forgive me - light my provincially disjointed constitution it has occured to late that i tend be vague as well odd is not good. allow explicate re. the camping thing though a stretch inner campaigns 'campings' tent tentorium something streched out shelter make stretched skins or cloth cerebelli. no need reply this simply an attempt ameliorate workings own sketchy mind. crit vocab isn't jack so may just say found ve very enjoyable pleasure find here. like reads campings mind secondary internal meaning ie encamp.. and remainder stanza esp resonant ear. title apt context j mood's rilke on love other difficulties contains some mature selections worth consideration topic well. thanks for posting here opportunity comment last poem struck similarly believe placed at ibc. 82803 a villanelle john g. jack astor. frank bellow. gq poet speaks devise title directions many purpose s to sin or no more etc. methodology differing approaches. hypothesis comes before methodology. i swear by god have come terms with wanting too much. discernible past for instance. narrative. an operative poetics. nice girl. the list goes on. this particular poem has all be it at odds moslem god. hindu in addition there is assembly line of men over alls under parts machinery. genetic machinery that and they're trying screw things up. not complex. knot. procedure doesn't like similes similitudes. on other hand little because slight complex you'll fore give me perhaps some new winter boots memory. missing material so we can draw conclusions ledger construct post ulate. maybe stand me. lean i'll settle post. conclude we're both lost causes. you one without equal packed off figure arithmetic search impossible beginnings. rooting each other. square root rotting. totter your rostrum piss pot. cataracts coming beginning us if ever i'm movie pay stipend. answers my sun apollo muse noon bug. keep get there. line. creating wigwams. ear wig. am every where. love wax museums. were time kept digging until fell out sky believe make wigwam we'll sail dead sea medina. 82808 ps jack astor is a pub crawl ps. dear god never ever put basil in kraft dinner. b dinner made to be relished pot. c poetry for fools d all poets should strive funny e don't take word of what i say seriously. i'm drunk as an otter. 82810 re mother tongue asher mike thanks for considering this piece. i see what can do to open it up as you suggest. --------------------------------------------- hey shades of ammons here or perhpas more than a shade perhapds heavy dusting and that is not such bad thing. like the sounds movement poem takes its ability make one pause consider esoterics. however would enjoy knowing about revelation empower allow emotional development think. peace mike. 82830 intro spection jz how did it start must have been march no madness but still cold upstate when the black walnut boughs are half iced with ice she moaned softly though as not to disturb baby and childhood ordinary traumas longing for a dog pedaling through old neighborhoods where dead rocked on porches desperate new coat of paint or riding narrow shoulders roads lock seven fishing drop lines in smelly water rising lowering learning accept boredom s kiss heroes mentors muses elevate me music i none more goose is what good gander once believed would never die haven t yet little deaths about importance metaphor camel eye morning mist so simile cracked gum sun up sleep juicy fruit skinny arms legs even was younger from city pulled down her lime green bikini touch if you want religion god concept by which we measure our pain john lennon ll say again don t. he why do keep coming back same themes death father children sex love. all written hope achieve thigh lipped evidence lingering souls light left waiting weather come see inside out just sentimental like broken tooth find its throb tonic because know one house other 82836 re under the holly tree raysweat a playful lifting of yeats 82837 re roughing it jz you could have an entire book of poems inspired by lines from others...this is very good although i think loses steam halfway thru...and deserves a strtonger finish than the petty line...a few more things below...would cut in my dreams -- let poem carry fact...and would before ashes..jz which sublimation confused with bravery takes miscalculation and perversity to procrastinate but courage wait. --henry shukman hum mosquitoes stink skunk s all so predictable expected this stuff d call perfume music. restless rustle leaves forest sighing how describe noise invariably. then twig's snap signals symbol something blatant ravenous out there accelerating through dark swear can hear birches peeling bark their thighs dream while loitering tent cloying intent as flame moth yep switched them see if paying attention--upon summoning me uneasy sleep--oh tossing endless turning what mean unnamed shhh don t say it--flares up unstruck flint combustion nothing short instant spontaneous quickly shifts mere fire full-blown conflagration. morning ll unzip bag find ashes still smoldering. dear m afraid ve never been brave frankly grew tired waiting hardest part according tom petty. 82838 re test jz very nice david -- i would suggest just too edits below toujours d j lautr amont's wedding il n'est pas mal que tout le monde lise les pages qui vont suivre... harrowing as a small bowl without sides the comma at end rice-paper and lace figs. already monsieur is wearying of mice which are sad overfed barely moving. who gave them so much cake he bites tail while delivery van pulls away. she's swollen scrubbing dishes writing her father letter o daddy--this man hasn't been easy on me. if only find my keys or water plant. yesterday someone borrowed blue fern from its nail over door . it returned. 82839 re by this that or one method raysweat quite the humorous rant well done. 82840 re by this that or one method jz much to admire of course...i would cut the slap on baby's back -- cause it leavea a stronger set images i think...there is point in poems where poem jumps off...takes plunge beyond narrative sense...i love these parts you get there think with vinvent but then don't trust yourself floating out and last part pulls together too much...if makes sense if not must be more tonic all means believe us about cells atoms. jerk which things began baby s tick started planets rolling. tank stars swim like fish comprised mostly gas colloid constellations. prefer fictive gesture imagine people dropping off leaves from branches pu-erh tuo cha. green tree-leaves spun cup. through centrifuge zones stillness between air-strips. emergency landings. cardinal winter feathers plots soybean wheat. long points other points. dari vanilla cones licked at split end sucked. first second measures hymn everyone sings their own part. noise increases tenfold so believe. throw an apple window moving car. gravity catches it. place fig-leaf table watch as evolves into blue skirt v-neck blouse. plucky this-or-that. vincent van painting series sticks are opening blossoms doe-say-doe apples roots grandmother bavaria. it's possible confuse beauty for brains. lurk two bodies once. do walk-on non-speaking white buffalo line rilke. zwei wege sinds. sie f hren keinen hin . we ve come let admit don t know. could have seed five-toed chicken. ladder even now heaven earth someone building future great furious fire. 82842 re lecture on enabling... jz ryan -- i think this is good but needs work you have my totally until the word mother then it gets to didactic or something...i might cut like before an anvil nice i'll try once more since seen a few posts stay up board.... ---------------- enabling our quick response current disaster sudden chance breathe underwater bricks and clay something sturdy are van gogh'd across canvas wave of relief corpse looks mental health team can supply band-aids innocent mud angel has never dreamt imagine that child be raped fetching firewood what about dysentery some letters arrive in inbox time ask stop senseless violence importance transforming self deprecation into limp as spaghetti 82843 the blue miata maggie so little depends upon a mazda abandoned by roadside next to brown mule. with nod allen ginsberg see palaver natter be back comment on poems later...lots going m 82847 re under the holly tree michael mv although i enjoyed appreciated esp for this rep varied making love as if we made before world was made. might also consider in and here however excessive ing s did not appeal to reader. reworking into a pantoum b c see makings of one it would replace buffer with pleasing repetition. best regards 82848 re by this that or one method michael mv to add consider for the last line future out of a furious fire. esp like b confusion best regards 82849 a brown mule michael mv looks like more is going to depend upon the now fan of man wcw 82851 my father tries to tell a story te ballard he imitated the gait of deer with slow canter his fingers and it was buck said trapped on bridge i gatekeeper. must have wandered in early morning before rise commuters then boats came rose animal. tried stop gate from closing this man who had hunted killed dozens animals carried their bodies out under green pines. but all explain difference body wild jumping over side own reaching foolishly for what could not save. until gone away him nearly three years only return gray carbon sitting silently chair that began understand. 82853 re roughing it te ballard okay i will be the only one who likes tom petty line. was fresh hell you get ten points for freshness and b.c. would of loved your title. think could tighten middle up but enjoyed poem very much. in which sublimation is confused with bravery takes miscalculation perversity to procrastinate courage wait. --henry shukman hum mosquitoes stink skunk s all so predictable expected this stuff d call perfume music. restless rustle leaves forest sighing how describe noise invariably. then a twig's snap signals symbol something blatant ravenous out there accelerating through dark swear can hear birches peeling bark from their thighs my dream while loitering tent cloying intent as flame moth yep switched them see if paying attention--upon summoning me uneasy sleep--oh tossing endless turning what mean unnamed shhh don t say it--flares unstruck flint combustion nothing short instant spontaneous quickly shifts mere fire full-blown conflagration. morning ll unzip bag find ashes still smoldering. dear m afraid ve never been brave frankly grew tired waiting hardest part according petty. 82859 what mv said metz good crit. especially like the pantoum suggestion. whatever a is. also think last two lines end poem with real clunk. of first stnaza is smooth. second less so but surely passable. final repetition gets clumsy. not idea just execution. fairly easy to fix. -- although i enjoyed appreciated esp for this rep varied making love as if we made before world was made. might consider in and here however excessive ing s did appeal reader. reworking into b c see makings one it would replace buffer pleasing repetition. best regards 82860 re roughing it metz very much like the petty quote gut not internal -- and especially concluding attribution. where hell is your clipped terse declarative construction when you need muddled middle of this poem would benefit from old laurel in that respect. but no semi colons definitely axe invariably. as usual general conceit engaging. what if just plain axed huh below. then make us leap got some bang. which sublimation confused with bravery takes miscalculation perversity to procrastinate courage wait. --henry shukman hum mosquitoes stink skunk s all so predictable expected stuff d call perfume music. restless rustle leaves forest sighing how describe noise a twig's snap signals symbol something blatant ravenous out there accelerating through dark i swear can hear birches peeling bark their thighs my dream while loitering tent cloying intent . flame moth yep switched them see paying attention--upon summoning me uneasy sleep--oh tossing endless turning could mean unnamed shhh don t say it--flares up unstruck flint combustion nothing short instant spontaneous quickly shifts mere fire full-blown conflagration. morning ll unzip bag find ashes still smoldering. dear m afraid ve never been brave frankly grew tired waiting hardest part according tom petty. 82861 re my father tries to tell a story metz hey te -- good read you again. for all your adroitness punctuation or lack thereof decisons continue baffle me. other poets use run-on sentences and devices in way i can identify as casually calculated. too often see yours grammatical errors. maybe it's just beyond that don't come any understanding the speaker came to. ahhh-now-i-understand close is easy unspecific. understand what difference between deer on bridge one site of rifle more important why does it three years laterwhen farther dying but not at time should say here image cantering fingers excellent trapped entire set-up with his differing reaction deer. rich material. he imitated gait slow canter was buck said gatekeeper. must have wandered early morning before rise commuters then boats rose animal. tried stop gate from closing this man who had hunted killed dozens animals carried their bodies out under green pines. explain body wild jumping over side own reaching foolishly could save. until gone away him nearly only return gray carbon sitting silently chair began understand. 82864 re a villanelle john bellows purple gray david-- good to have you around gray. hey this is pretty thanks --d 82865 re my father tries to tell a story john bellows this is pathetic romantic writing. sorry i can't get into it vague as hell. best bellows. he imitated the gait of deer with slow canter his fingers and was buck said trapped on bridge gatekeeper. must have wandered in early morning before rise commuters then boats came rose animal. tried stop gate from closing man who had hunted killed dozens animals carried their bodies out under green pines. but all explain difference body wild jumping over side own reaching foolishly for what could not save. until gone away him nearly three years only return gray carbon sitting silently chair that began understand. 82866 re a villanelle john bellows astars turq magenta thanks barb glad you enjoyed. maybe we could one day enjoy tenquilla on the rocks together. blue macculate gold fucking god fish in purple sea. again. this is very clever. my most favorite and without an equal i packed off to figure arithmetic search for impossible beginnings. or it's we're rooting each other. square root of wanting rotting. can't decide. read. --barbara s. 82870 re the blue miata maggie shouldn't nod be to wcw bj hi i wrote a few of my thoughts on palaver and natter board but maybe you don't read p n. is given his over there. thanks for reading m 82871 re a brown mule maggie looks like more is going to depend upon the now mv fan of man wcw hey i rather too. he's not on my favorites list but there are many times get in mood and read him every night for week or two. think reason gave nod ginsberg got lost here as thought it might did give his p n. how can anyone who reads poetry know that this was after reading some people confused credit wrong poet don't one at all. shoud be so obvious they emulating need inspiration. if you have any thoughts i'd them n opening thread workshop board proves particularly useful appropriate. sorry rambling appreciate commenting m 82873 re my father tries to tell a story mikem te your talent is strong enough give the poem emotional impact however becomes too mundane and predictable also language does not take any chances many easy nouns like boats bridge green pines animals. i believe some sentences need tweaking trapped on gatekeeper jumps out at me. but good news that foundation has been laid. peace mike. 82874 god is in the house mikem she boiled three femurs a big kettle while children played out back and it wasn t summer yet but they wore shorts on account that jesus christ was their savoir once before had healed bed sores saved them from certain death when so-called muslim extremists moved next door. imagine speaking tongues as impossibly close freedom hummingbird must feel moments cat jumps bushes. did of humanity priests who created it. 82880 re roughing it raysweat hi laurel i think metz's cuts are pretty good in general. but disagree strongly with the petty ending. sounds like a cheap inside joke--some sort of outtake. 82882 re the blue miata raysweat hi maggie. beauty of wcw was in its striking originality and simplicity. other than a fun exercise i'm not sure what purpose 'reworking' poem would be. so little depends upon mazda abandoned by roadside next to brown mule. with nod allen ginsberg see palaver natter be back comment on poems later...lots going m 82883 re under the holly tree raysweat i think rappers call that 'sampling.' 82884 re roughing it mikem ms. dodge i hope spring is close to settling in upon ohio and perhaps your poem reflects too much wintering. enjoyed the restless unsettled energy evokes with its quant symmetry that kept me wanting more. wonderful images tom petty ditty at s end was a off-cantor way poem. made recall his concert san diego many moons ago. did not enjoy blockiness have created new word of wanted delineated so moved down page more instead across page. think you should work on separating stops this imho would empower for example places hyphenate could be used as freeze reader certain image. just thought or two. now big question philly brady boys peace mike. 82885 re intro spection jz thanks amy -- glad you commented i had fun writing this but wasn't sure it would translate thinkk will end at the light left on...appreciate your help only mention because of what said in response to hannah's latest before read that poem and felt do hope achieve something made too much sense was a bit bummer. if may be so bold ending doesn't ask me fold my hands together neatly on desk quite it's all been written see from inside or out just why are sentimental s like waiting for broken tooth find its throb more tonic don t know one house other thigh lipped evidence lingering souls weather come most enjoyable reads i've while. 82886 i think it was music raysweat when the clock gagged on red glowing petals that floated up thought of sudden epiphanies with no memory but not plato duchamp nor ancient warbling in back keats throat even sleep just a disappearing into paint glide over inky page beyond visage and voice moving hand human chorus stolen grunts steel corridors baptisms barnyard golden hooves imperceptible staircases desire architecture or something greater where light to time skips beat instruments merge cease awakening soft unexpected rising. 82887 re the blue miata maggie hi maggie. beauty of wcw was in its striking originality and simplicity. you'll get no argument out me there r. for many years i could not quite understand fascination with poem but it grew on me. is my favorite like it. other than a fun exercise i'm sure what purpose 'reworking' would be. that writing this exercise...it meant to be statement sorts. have never reworked any poet's work am are elements others' poems--after all there's really much new under sun as cliched saying goes always ways speaking about one sees person's own thoughts what's happening world or case may so some most us write things sound someone else's poem. certainly found inspiration others. let's just say piece bit character thanks reading commenting m 82888 re the blue miata raysweat fair enough. i quite easily could've missed point. wouldn't be first time you'll get no argument out of me there r. for many years could not understand fascination with poem but it grew on me. is my favorite wcw like it. i'm sure that writing this was a fun exercise...it meant to statement sorts. have never reworked any other poet's work am are elements others' in poems--after all there's really much new under sun as cliched saying goes always ways speaking about what one sees and person's own thoughts what's happening world or case may so some most us write things sound someone else's poem. certainly found inspiration others. let's just say piece bit character thanks reading commenting m 82894 re reporting for chemo during the weather advisor asher not one of my favorites yours william. repetition i can feel 3 times in lines is distracting. simply taking out would detract from meaning opinion. or if you want to focus on feeling vs numbness then perhaps a different approach thanks posting this. advisory this morning walk so cold nose hair freeze. each individually become stiff and ice usurp nostrils. most events are cancelled folks stay off roads. sometimes though even when know how day will end up like let hours roll over me warm light. 82895 re test asher david-- this poem engages me but i can't exactly tell you why. just finished lautreamont's narrative. think what facinated about him was the possibilities that he opens paz called his poetics of psychic explosion for ways telling i'm obsessed with finding new know mean whole thing getting somewhat tiring though. anyway wanted to pop in and appreciate piece your presence on board. toujours d j lautr amont's wedding il n'est pas mal que tout le monde lise les pages qui vont suivre... harrowing as a small bowl without sides comma at end rice-paper lace figs. already monsieur is wearying mice which are sad overfed barely moving. who gave them so much cake bites tail while delivery van pulls away. she's swollen scrubbing dishes writing her father letter o daddy--this man hasn't been easy me. if only would find my keys or water plant. yesterday someone borrowed blue fern from its nail over door it returned. 82901 re by this that or one method asher dear hannah-- let me open my comments saying i always appreciate reading your poems on the block and i'm not being nice. sure how to read as with many of feel slightly destabalized them. think poem really opened up no matter crappy sounds line believe in emergency landings. sort wish you'd focus tether outburst energy. for instance opens all means us about these cells atoms. then jolts kicks around. hope an edit consider repeating use punctuation connect atoms it's clear whether you are talking big bang here birth both. obscurity meaning is distracting. why slap babies back after she conceived assume. but what than trying attack does it go doing myself working wonder if may fool around space strophe one. very dense imho. distracting points especially baby's section. hated tick started planets rolling. anyway first seems more like a brain storm. began green tea leaves bit. part private abstract intent. spells out second already via images etc. leap particular was nice cardinal s winter feathers plots soybean wheat. long between other points. dari vanilla cones licked at split end sucked. diction too last imo. love sudden leaps from cones. over place times condense best jerk which things baby tank stars swim fish comprised mostly gas colloid constellations. prefer fictive gesture imagine people dropping off branches pu-erh tuo cha. tree-leaves spun cup. through centrifuge zones stillness air-strips. measures hymn everyone sings their own part. noise increases tenfold so believe. throw apple window moving car. gravity catches it. fig-leaf table watch evolves into blue skirt v-neck blouse. plucky this-or-that. vincent van painting series sticks opening blossoms doe-say-doe apples roots grandmother bavaria. possible confuse beauty brains. lurk two bodies once. do walk-on non-speaking white buffalo rilke. zwei wege sinds. sie f hren keinen hin . we ve come admit don t know. could have seed five-toed chicken. be ladder even now heaven earth someone building future great furious fire. 82905 re i think it was music raysweat thanks for the cool response sbern.... and ann perhaps ending is too hokey or telling something. could end in a more startling way but don't that's what i'm after here. again. 82906 re mother tongue repost of yesterday's crit asher laurel-- interesting. i do like certain things you did with this although i've recently been obsessed i'm using that word a lot lately white space and honestly just learning how to read yup. we're over over. the sensed added actually some those slashes are working well in first line. thanks poetess. john bellows. ash-man hey only because know open suggestions. couplets weren't doing damn thing for poem my opinion--but heck muck up own formatting too often so could be wrong grin . forced into text block wanted see solid house. if knew more about html think initial urge was break scatter it all page--but locked left margin baby ignorance. addition parentheses is self-explanatory no mostly cool oh...a little stranger at least terms reading experience. enjoyed your effort despite collapse it. smile laurel affection terror absorption malabsorption piece story missing can still speak absence body or country speaking. something meaningful place now wanting prayer build home where two worlds not intersect collapsing fiction. language need learn movement crawling out yourself will neither here nor there but driven joint father land perhaps nothing truly con joins joining again another room call anymore. don't want echoes. move. echoes have symmetry fails does rise fall assert itself until becomes sensual. tongue. empty muse. moves multilaterally. house collapses fragments moving. 82908 our 3 ibpc reps are announced p n michael mv http www.webdelsol.com bbs zineweb zineweb.cgi read 10013 82914 re i think it was music raysweat hi hannah thanks for taking the time to give such a detailed response and link. simply trying capture moment in which swept away by unexpected music. another words experience not rumination of or description that experience. apparently wasn't very successful. raysweat- don t know what make this. somewhere among name-dropping casual allusions is suspect an actual intention but am hopeless at finding it. one thing elides into can take granted some extent. tool user merge. product fine. s language falters me here. tendency rebuke concrete grasp desire foothold instead wallow fallow images soft petals stolen grunts inky page abstraction epiphanies memory seems counter-productive just hair less either would surely have made remaining elements go much further. inability term reveal itself. plato duchamp keats come poem as anything other than their own weightiness. dunno. this really works thank you chance read respond. -hannah p.s. weirdly spent last week obsessed with line from standard schaefer pieces goes if core us does chorus come. your brought right back front my mind. piece called boy room young paremenides good explication how allusion reference manage overwhelm so thought d provide http gutcult.com site litjourn5 html ss1.html link look are inclined. 82917 re waking the dead spit metz power here is excellent combination of topical and didactic with personal sexual. hannah already bid on suckcious so i'd like to put in my dibs for squirm-throbs. i'm noticing liking right margin justifification. we learn from each other eh merry christmas it did not belong anything lone lark first car frost crept away by a bruisey mackerel morning sky nor needed shower daily routine tired eyes last night's burns supper stray dog hairs which had clung 15 miles formal evening dress long black skirt one daughter having an increase seizures another spiking flu phrase 'hesed strong connotation immediate if asymmetrical mutuality' strung as footnote birch mulch hollyhock ghosts where summer they silhouetted out house but senescent squirm-throb hence mmm wet mucoid patch between legs bed-as-surety simple colddelicious how sucked into itself superfluous terrible events 165 000 145-such missing our thrilling biting so's worms mightn't..hear us stir cease their natural entropying all things being thus edible equally forgotten stale whiskey breath rust-umami-must sweat was no time stake yet enough die brick flint echoes thick walls block you take your raincoat against afternoon whilst over country milk poured sugar spooned decision write off debt stirred heat has made blood come sooner geoid flesh sheet skin thin colloidal emission unviable now temptation think something s stable dryable option 82918 re reporting for chemo during the weather advisor metz don't want to beat a dead horse cuz i pretty much agree w previous critters. did wanna say appreciate risk. ice usurp my nostrils .. has gotta make it into poem if not this one and most folks stay off roads is particularly effective both sonically in its declarative understatement. you can feel repetition more by repeating time at end. like hours roll etc ... -- advisory morning walk so cold nose hair freeze. each individually become stiff nostrils. events are cancelled this. roads. sometimes though even when know how day will end up let over me warm light. 82927 re god is in the house mikem re. for mikem. isn't this strictly hellbent on observation of ignorant white trash cannibalism but if so faulkner earned a nobel prize from same best geoff --------------------------------------------- hey nope. poem has nothing to do with cannibalism. nada. gee prize. your insights are always measured true. peace mike. 82928 re god is in the house mikem hey you first let me say that this imagine speaking tongues as impossibly close freedom hummingbird must feel moments before cat jumps from bushes. perfect. i mean. it exact. on pitch. wouldn t mind removal of if necessary but would like to vote firmly favor staying right where is. much am s suggestion for last line. savior probably rather than savoir. although savoir one those slips makes wonder. consider replacing bed sores with something more children-like and standard. say. measles. impetigo. whooping cough. childhood-likely ailments whose appearance commensurate medical omission or disappearance might double both completely standard progression miracle. wish muslim extremist thread carried through a little bit more. mebbe. but. nicely done. glad read poem mike. always pleasure see -hannah -------------------------------------------- h likewise it's receive your critiques which beleive they are some best around. concur about beginning. i'll look at later. peace 82939 brace for impact mneff dear editors and blockers on thursday night wds is scheduled to be migrated a new server. hopefully all will turn out well. if problems arise with operation of the block let me know immediately so i can get techs it. best michael 82945 a poem about death si mon i ve grown tired of doors. torn screen portal for bugs. the broken latch swelling that calls good kick. you say house is sinking. this morning tracked mydaea scutellaris room to room. somehow he s survived mild winter. trapped in cup toss him out. go away fly my 82953 re provisional eternity si mon a confession -- you lost me at the end mostly with last stanza not sure what is going on could be own thickness. only other crit i would cut from your mouth in first line. dats all sly verbs dangle no smile do-it-yourself stance - go stark stranger merge much later scars woman breathtaking remind of stripped dolls one eye savagely opened unowned sharp as ice pricks unfathomably long bleeds out soul or so call up to an alternative heaven and invite undisclosed freeways 82954 annmarie's poem sbern gone -- and my crit of the first three stanzas. 82976 home is lost there no block john bellows cloister are rooms with gable in this house house. exterior mortar brick coverings. must be a form to encapulate or deduct this. organs within have walls. plentitude of space between love without its furnishings another line thought. the simulated. it ponders turns and opens up never like septal. an ending. if hallway dark because willow tree. don t trust intestinal wall. only interior twists winds. noise static rooms. walls dark. reader constructing syllogisms. border two where tongue maze. maze body disassembles itself must. falling from ceiling crack mitosis sloughing off old cells proginators absent. bird called sonorous romantic sing along moribund larvae not lacuna borders meeting opening room stone throws away. floor has light fixtures. bulb that could on buzzing. bees skin mythic. flesh stung until crossing theshold perception. doors perception forever being cleansed. window box petunias non-existent. lying bed. 82981 re a poem about death si mon apparently this is crit proof -- each time comment appears under it the then disappears. i ve grown tired of doors. torn screen portal for bugs. broken latch swelling that calls good kick. you say house sinking. morning tracked mydaea scutellaris room to room. somehow he s survived mild winter. trapped in cup toss him out. go away fly my 82984 re home is lost there no block jbc are rooms with gable on this house house. exterior mortar brick coverings. must be a form to encapulate or deduct this. organs within have walls here. awall plentitude of space between love without its furnishings another line thought. the simulated. it ponders turns in and opens up never like septal. an ending. if hallway dark because willow tree. don t trust walls. intestinal wall. only interior twists winds. noise-- static rooms. dark. builder constructing syllogisms. border two where tongue maze. body disassembles itself must. falling from ceiling crack mitosis sloughing off old cells proginators absent. bird called sonorous romantic sing along moribund larvae not lacuna borders meeting opening room stone throws away. floor has light fixtures. bulb that could buzzing. bees skin mythic. flesh stung until crossing theshold perception. doors perception forever being cleansed. window box petunias non-existent. lying bed. 82987 re annmarie's poem john bellows c. dear sn berne-- i found this called gone a bit sparse for my tastes. the title slightly eludes mind as have no clue who annemarie is. but exploration of absence is always intriguing and exclamatory accentuates absence. critters that emerge from are underplayed imho. thanks posting consideration. jb -- crit first three stanzas. sbern 82988 re hold onto your posts jbc dear hannah-- i found this poem slightly prosaic for my tastes although the mystery and intrigue is delightful. like idea of problems vanishing how unconscious working through mike answers these problems. bit about death threats that adds to intrigue. could be beginning a romance novel austen style. demented. thanks posting consideration. jbcloister. aware block as there's much going on in background hopefully our will vanish with thursday's move. there isn't annmarie christopher or can do. feel free use p n post poetry if you would like. i'll comment over there. also email me poems pictures dog necessary. sure let everyone know very millisecond anything at all -hnnh 82989 re provisional eternity john bellows dear jz-- i like how confessions get lost at the end. are meant to lost. as poems sucked in laurie byro et al. void. bt who ever knows. we can only make a hypotheis and continue criting crits because there is nothing crit. these people voracious readers it appears. confession -- you me end mostly with last stanza not sure what going on could be own thickness. other crit would cut from your mouth first line. dats all 82996 part of my thesis asher alright i know this is stupid me to post but what the heck. want share beginnings project in case anyone has time interest read through it. it's pretty long and obnoxious. can't figure out how do white space though. ___________ introduction a home he d like invent where borders blur into surrounding prarie river anatomical maps. live many places at once preferably one place. tunneling past that coded other organs which refuse speak. if they speak backwards refuses arrange. border sanity madness. emerges from simultaneous pasts intesecting creating homes never were here it possible build another every morning unimagine locked now. when amritsar lahore simply signs wrought iron gate imaginary parade seething tension underground earth marble floored room an englishman. within body lies implied meaning flight bats. blind blindfolded sighted human subjects fact able learn use echolocation detect objects their environment 5 . tongue map navigates by echolocation. history sensed nocturnal sounds re collections. there are shavings off lost sentences dispersed his father's was no arrive to. buffalo roam down sea. can melt mirages or finally open you have your documentation. pakistani passport. will not let him cross. father on side. living childhood. diagnosed with crohn's disease last year cut while slept. map. as noted earlier although etiology obscure prevelent amoungst asian jewish second generation immigrants thought certain antigens may activate immune cells intestinal wall. these then secrete proinflammatory agents cytokines such tumor necrosis factor-alpha tnf-alpha interleukin-6 il-6 interleukin-1b il1b further aggravate inflammatory cascade. result thinning bowel wall mcdermott 1990 identification story began disassociation ended incision water still flows country might say. flowed backwards. tone deaf move gates poetry fiction fluid. shape whisper circling itself language estranged disuse. acuity attempt provide leverage maimed sail somewhere atlantic about become space. could escape telling enter islamic city mother's imagination she showed her chocolate eclair napier road crow swooped took dressed britisher children plashing playing puddles goat walking slaughter before august rain shepard soaked right skin wipes glistening drops mane. now retreat detours maze alleys peshawar partition mother new delhi gratefully forgotton born india. door remains hinge. -leave we're coming back. take knife. divide must indus testify. world requires organ speech. intestine sloughed off. speaking. b i. closed 4 30 pm 15 pm. patrol lunch break. beggars sold postcards for run hotel strip hawkers sliced chicken's necks. offered 100 rupees spend night floor. fed street dogs scrambled eggs toast bought card watched cow eating rind melon. leapt over barbed wire fence gotten shot. drowned. jar pickles. ii. young drove plane thicket clouds. sat captain s lap cockpit wept we broke trellises clouds blossomed jasmine-jaws. british lifted waitress gave cup cake waxy aftertaste. placed earth. careened. rumble. beneath us something whirred. lolly pop. iii. waiting pakistan punjab club. india almost brackets dust. see windows cockpit. tower dissolved back water. dissolves pier. pier documents keep falling. circumcised died 1947. ripped pants throat. made mistake said oh god. iv. luminous. language. ties hold us. tell again name yasmine. ve found crumbles ever lord men ever. sugar cane rattles mute vocables head. atlantic. tear v. ocean blank sheet am writing forging existence. won't allow cross pakistan. should go parade-here documents. indian laugh face spit cannot vi. dissolved. conquers you. myth abraham. short abdul. try forge assume embrace foreign languishing sind. religion. transplant those words. vocables. field cane. onto place written forged. c notes returning harappa winter. day one. 2. each rains surface erosion bring up pieces surface. 3. corbelled drain mound et gateway. 4. think buddhist. feel dream bengal tiger again. guides house screen shut. lock b. tears hinges. negotiate awake thinnest veil between waking sleep. did poured butane lit says holocaust handle dreams pretend stop them. create country. write continually looking forward. flint trying make metaphor relation don t look forward too. swallows be swallowed whole. throw match shifts. next moment becomes silence. wrote poem banana leaf. brahmin priest 50 ghee candle mumbled prayer ganges. words flickered black waters whose shore accepts dead. bones bone china england begging bowl aghori sadhu. why turn ganges because all rivers come left connected couldn reach himalayas float didn believe strand shiva hair femur needed felt believed ablution regardless being tainted moulana claimed. -return gleaming dust hour glass. grow poet scribe. knife al-batin. hidden. -kill begin way cobwebs land unknown today hindu moslem lived brother sister drank same well jalandhar. pani. harmony this. mist e harappa. news. experiment abstract affection terror absorption malabsorption piece missing. absence purpose two countries absence. narrative order gut segment rejoining beginning middle end. hypothesis speaking missing methodology exterior mortar brick coverings. form encapsulate deduce walls here. awall. plenitude rooms. malgnosis. wanting prayer. worlds intersect collapsing narrative. needs movement crawling stories neither driven joint land. larvae lacuna meeting opening sepal interior stone away floor light fixtures bulb ceiling buzzing crossing threshold perception. perception forever cleansed. window box petunias non-existent. lying bed. theory nothing joins joining calls doesn't call anymore. echoes move. observations hallway dark willow tree trust only twist ing wind noise static minute symmetry fails rising falling asserting until ual. tongue. empty muse. multi laterally. fragments perhaps rooms gable house. deduct awall don't caving love without its furnishings line after drawn conclusions whereabouts. simulated. turns opens sepal. ending. disassembles must. crack ceiling. mitosis sloughing old progenitors absent described auditory environs doesn't. describe anxiety fear lack better word empties corner pansies spill air. behind doors texture linoleum paws animal discern. tapping heart beat invented growing cancerous. panic word. irony koran recalls book whicpered ear just fell asleep. spoken around understand clothes gesture affection. auditory. hands ivy touch draining pours out. alone sound evokes motherland. key falls granite mantle. homing emptying admit scene vantage points is. khyber pass sell guns green tea gun fired weddings brotherly choked locate. dark. attempting syllogism somebody vomits would narrator. occurs 6 15pm. 1500 spectators indians scream hindustan zindabad means hinduland long. side moslems chant allah allah. music soldiers walk knees chins incite crowds shout louder. 7 00 opened soldier shake hands. parade. treacherous. officials won f arrivals twilight fluttering curtains bus. eyes flutter shut consequence variations openings corridors touches scalp. scalp peeled moisture flaking webbed patterns. gaps fractures senses barely cross--gaps expand precursors woven bone. silence fractal ornate ordered intricate process disintegration. dance allusion elephant defecates woman waits newsprint. picks shit later point fuel. gigantic feet mesmerize displace yield strung arbitrarily along string scattered. dung bag newsprint newspaper kite held invisible strings. basant festival cancelled kites fly designated spots throughout seen floating under buses drifting brown canal sniffed stray wild kittens cursory glance passer-by note cancelled. sky populated rooftops screaming teenagers paralysed imagination. venders gather military park floats unfold corn cob baked sand wagon roast husk dabbed lemon cayenne salt. city. changed. fracture kneading bones. gradually scatter fragments. them corridor blue shadows flow. touched. does represent anything white. lend grammar punctuated contrasts humidity. life gathering man exist anticipation. bodies extensions monsoon cloud say saying. prays come. burrowing fixity. landscape denote thirst. arrivals. 83018 re iris bill beasly hannah-- this is tight. favorite to write of ripeness split the pod with a fingernail. very nice. last line as well and how it tightly woven into first 2. shark brilliant. so every speaking another on 4th read. in meaning rhythm sense. those are two palms put together at first. stems walking their heads talking one thing. beautiful black air . 1 umbrellas blousing beneath brass knobs. growing hot then cool cooled cooling off. raincloud seeded extended clock-hands pushed out like girl s dark belly. glandular o new leaves rake swarm through chute between glass knuckle home. touch your distant face. settle for word incautious if evil us wanted badly be made good after storm only ground. pareil un requin dans l'air beau et noir comte de lautreamont les chants maldoror 83023 re phidippides rationalizes at a corinth watering metz with the board problems neglected to acknowledge your read. this'll probably disappear soon enough. anyway thanks for taking time. glad you liked. i kinda liked this one myself. though that's not always best measure of quality. -- just have dissent and say like lot. love language. it's hilarious pointed. much if anything change me. sincerely bj 83024 re phidippides rationalizes at a corinth watering metz neglected to respond with all the board problems. before eats this wanted say thanks for liking. was actually hoping more critical analysis. poem does give damn. voice doesn't. sometimes thumbs up or down is very valid critique though. and i'll take rip-roarin any day. -- ------------------------------------------------- i coulda been contenda...... like rip-roaring energy invokes its wonderful images launguage approach. it's tough such as becuase by nature teling me don't damn what you think that's good thing. peace mike. 83025 re phidippides rationalizes at a corinth watering mikem neglected to respond with all the board problems. before eats this wanted say thanks for liking. was actually hoping more critical analysis. poem does give damn. voice doesn't. sometimes thumbs up or down is very valid critique though. and i'll take rip-roarin any day. -- metz hey it's difficult from work. some days helping gnp grow really sucks. peace mike 83026 copy precaution and post michael neff dear blockers we have taken steps on the sever side in an attempt to correct mystery of vanishing posts. as a if you are least bit concerned about your msg type responses or notepad word processor save file then cut-paste text onto block. disappears simply repost. thank for patience. regards mn 83029 loose ends asher if you study the matrix too long you'll become a matrix. advaita an advaitin. note parallel beams to house. he was advaitan once but i'll get him in moment. i have contend with. these are symptoms of place falling apart. i'm forging sound foundation when steal runs out use pewter buy some credit card insurance at canada trust. hope don't over draw your affection which is overdue. my books on aristotle late and library will be fine with it.i beg outside trust by one eyed flute player flat character corner spadina dundas . those roads meet excuse me want beat city into shape before olympics. alexander mackenzie said fear trees. that fern sampling street car screamed me. mistrusted anthropomorphism after had learned poetics became euphemism. belong past collapsing trying inherit readers attention. make round characters could unflatten mind. used stone carver orpheus gave yasmine. strung night walls must crazy dime piper coincidentally am give hidden life subject expect as subject. novelist represent his character's hidden. art much more satisfying then not mimetic. labyrinth consider second part. neil disassembled. there number ones coming from sky child drain pipes. follow leash caricature led ditch. enemy. we plot end sight. maker terrorist less remember cannot understand. this may badly made strangle hope. 83033 then and there si mon a rook snags branch in the sycamore outside my bedroom window. that s not what i m thinking about. it distraction. material for nest. slow motion suicide with feathers. sweet emily dipping into snuff. grandmother pulling peppermint lifesavers out of her giant purse. black leather gloves. ghost peeping skull. maternal. nothing more than crow so takes away sun. these thoughts. once when was fourteen after dentist visit seven cavities mourned life. to say griped mom about way teeth were full holes even though brushed. inheritance hair shirt. woe is woe. cried. all remember. have no idea if mother scoffed at pity parade. she ignored moodiness. angered or reached across seat maverick touched arm. details are gone therefore can make up anything happened. let decided become poet. window car watched pick guts from dead squirrel knew love world. 83034 re host si mon i like this poem -- want to it more. the first stanza is perfect nicely sensual. but had some problems with tone and awkward lines that forced me stop step out of scene put on my thinking cap don't very much esp. when i'm wearing satin pants or something...more below. georgia waits for open door. slides in imagine she slid into wrapped tight around her bottom. rummages through faux gucci purse pulls a beaded cigarette holder salem asks light inhales long deliberate line stops me...you have flow going just an instant until ember s pulse shadow. exhales night's tricks expunges half- burnt end flicker cracked window. hands now hers think get renunciation raise black wig air at arms length wild demon revealing ravaged crown sickly strands. sweet face communion wafer. good image tonal shift perhaps too sudden 83038 re then and there bj this poem has a lot of connections for me. i found myself within it child again. liked that. my only problems were the naming vehicle 'maverick conjured up images that threw me out poem. also i'm unsure veracity narrator when he stated can't remember details in final lines remembers crow picking at guts squirrel. course guess maybe is point what remembers. sincerely rook snags branch sycamore outside bedroom window. s not m thinking about. distraction. material nest. slow motion suicide with feathers. sweet emily dipping into snuff. grandmother pulling peppermint lifesavers her giant purse. black leather gloves. ghost peeping skull. maternal. nothing more than so takes away sun. these thoughts. once was fourteen after dentist visit seven cavities mourned life. to say griped mom about way teeth full holes even though brushed. inheritance hair shirt. woe woe. cried. all remember. have no idea if mother scoffed pity parade. she ignored moodiness. angered or reached across seat maverick touched arm. are gone therefore can make anything happened. let decided become poet. window car watched pick from dead squirrel knew love world. 83039 cats robin a hingeless door veiled in stillness waits for those who love emotions root... as adolescent vampires we swaggered and bent to drink from moonlit pools of blood rode laughing away on wild stallions fired with temper. life stampeded our eyes bore through fear great sickle strokes love. your judgements me were eager final you wore that arrangement well. i recall refined strong name strapless smile filled arcs razors the shallow conversation sung so could feel its breeze it swayed me. there was destiny veins swelled ran not breath drowning sensation be enjoyed did. people padded by driveway. sly running down driveway looking back over their shoulders if would follow they quicken pace disappear into shrub or beneath car. aloof enamored magnetics this choice. drove teeth together young enough mistrust how logged night stands out whisp flavor my mind sways morning light died bloody taste smoking ash. feigned importance mirror far away. predators are polite after feast. what remember leaving shoulder see follow. 83040 re my father tries to tell a story robin i enjoyed this poem it holds great insight for me. he imitated the gait of deer with slow canter his fingers and was buck said trapped on bridge gatekeeper. must have wandered in early morning before rise commuters then boats came rose animal. tried stop gate from closing man who had hunted killed dozens animals carried their bodies out under green pines. but all explain difference body wild jumping over side own reaching foolishly what could not save. until gone away him nearly three years only return gray carbon sitting silently chair that began understand. 83049 re when you rose slosh the punch line at end falls flat-- it needs adrenalin had i known d jump way kernels rip out of their hot skins smack air with yes thrusting cries boned cages that beast and water have given primal instinct a lift home. 83050 re cats metz yep you can write. so this friend of mine. which means about 5 what he writes is worth anything. he's learned over the years to write a little better. mostly though just gotten better at finding that five percent. some exquisite writing here and talent. it's mired in bunch junk --writing love with itself. good conceit general. me stuff sings - great sickle strokes something not judgements were eager final wore arrangement well it swayed we drove our teeth together predators are polite after feast other capable. marked below clunks. -- hingeless door veiled stillness waits for those who emotions root... as adolescent vampires swaggered bent drink from moonlit pools blood rode laughing away on wild stallions fired temper. life stampeded eyes bore through fear love. your well. i recall refined strong name strapless smile filled arcs razors shallow conversation sung could feel its breeze me. there was destiny veins swelled ran breath drowning sensation be enjoyed did. people padded by driveway. sly running down driveway looking back their shoulders if would follow they quicken pace disappear into shrub or beneath car. aloof enamored magnetics choice. young enough mistrust how logged night stands out whisp flavor my mind sways morning light died bloody taste smoking ash. feigned importance mirror far away. feast. remember leaving shoulder see follow. 83051 re when you rose metz like it. suggestions below. -- had i known d jump the way kernels rip out of their from hot skins smack air with yes thrusting cries boned cages too affected that beast and water agree bj general. this is a crucial line. okay. what under whip buddha chattel small hairy elflike animal found in australia often stuffed made into decorative lamps have given primal instinct lift home. 83052 re ed and johnny ctg metz something about the tone of this didn't work for me. was looking elegaic or ironic funny just-short-of-maudlin. instead is detached descriptive even with blubbed part. end good comes closest to establishing an attitude. nothing wrong actual writing -- just struck me as flat. boston ex-marine's trauma called him his dressing room uh-oh unprecedented untoward long-time sidekick expected be fired but tonight show comic you're here always sudden wrinkle in their pro showbiz marriage each on couch guarded behind desk he drummed special pencil eraser bounced jokes off day's stars exotic animals also delighted drumset doc's band offscreen moments alienated spouse tinkering basement who lusted escape bonds marital intimacy. mcmahon later hawked insurance hosted starlets. never again cool wedded conjugal distance sofa while waiting a baby marmoset poop pate. uh-oh. christopher t. george 83053 after the film metz you take pains to explain your wife in detail far surpassing mastery of fact exactly why those nasty hutus slaughtered tutsis making sure place sufficient blame on belgian colonialism and pointing out how faction slaughterees ended up winning war due superior military organi- zation discipline not mention french weapons. with no small amount pride that followed situation pretty darned close at time times though many specifics had since escaped it was so long ago are thankful director for refreshing memory indignation. when she asks who is charge now things going suggest nick nolte might have over-acted. agrees a million lot people even africa can t help but observe machetes more powerful than tsunamis mental note save quip attendant shake-of-head tomorrow s party. climbing into volvo both pledge get speed this whole sudan thing. 83065 re copy precaution and post christopher t george dear blockers we have taken steps on the sever side in an attempt to correct mystery of vanishing posts. as a if you are least bit concerned about your msg type responses or notepad word processor save file then cut-paste text onto block. disappears simply repost. thank for patience. regards mn hi michael unfortunately it looks phenomenon mysteriously disappearing posts is continuing. my poem ed johnny posted yesterday vanished thin air leaving only comments made by metz. - i will try hunt up that tech help mentioned. chris 83066 to do some translation christopher a. translation. the deaf boy in third row of small desk chairs is falling love with older blonde woman. woman who repeating dull calculus instructions through hand motions finger twitches circles loops dips and dives precise starts stops language- loving him as a friend her bright smile. though so sure proven flawless hands she fears miscommunication gleaming eyes. for fifty minutes day sheltered young man learns obsession. kind heart keeps faith wavering strength own intentions. mind on accurate translations. are acrobats but face steals show. 83067 and the moral of story is laurel goad on your bullocks never more pray to me for help . --aesop would that i could d you good. lowly toad--though not nearly lewd as frog whose perpetual wetness reminds oh sigh fingers slipped into glove a slick snug fit--don t go there don misconstrue cat purring my lap slowly stroke it--toward live toward lust most obvious l word hush it must always does unuttered. prince valiant one precious ve kissed too many green lips become in process jaded. now cackle watch warts grow hag within sprouting like tulip poking through snow ever glad see naked. when rode up sword hand armored tank had laugh. darling couldn clich was real. thought chivalry dead desire so sublimated discover splinter this haystack. needles pricks though m full them. alas forest flooded. much wood. just stumps pond scummed clotted with polliwogs yings unyanged hapless sperm swimming nowhere. all night bullfrogs croak croak. bow throat cello-ing gut strung tight break from tension wait or weight hands imagined touching here. wood--there goes jutting again inappropriate-- heck friend still can. small consolation but i'll take it. who said whispered loss us. insert lascivious sad grin 83068 save your posts michael neff blockers we believe a human agent is at work deleting the posts. more steps have been taken in attempt to correct this. meanwhile text of post before posting and repost if disappears. mn 83069 re after the film laurel flick instead of maybe and i know you won't but i'd tag on a line at end--yes write beyond ending because right now it feels too safe pat. something about proceeding to discuss length cheadle's chances winning oscar. usually like second person--hell there was time when wrote nothing person poems--and understand your choice its use here---it does serve very effectively point finger reader. it's saying. who donated 5 bucks tsunami fund have already forgotten that disaster since fallen off cnn's daily rotation. almost kinda sorta wish this first person. do job so i'll shut up. wanted souls --one million people. go for that. still never hurts say what if even all good is laugh. grin an easy poem going begin crit by saying how refreshing read metz expressed itself outside typical expected wise-ass colloquial elbowing diction-specific hyphenated voice....but same time....i miss it. want both ways. reaosn asked doesn't feel as crafted some stuff which isn't don't think didn't put in alot work. needs counterpoint although can't quite out be. oh hey reluctant feminist me less than happy with husband explaining event his wife. honestly irked me. take pains explain wife detail far surpassing mastery fact exactly why those nasty hutus slaughtered tutsis making sure place sufficient blame belgian colonialism pointing faction slaughterees ended up war due superior military organi- zation discipline not mention french weapons. no small amount pride followed situation pretty darned close times though many specifics had escaped long ago are thankful director memory indignation. she asks charge things suggest nick nolte might over-acted. agrees lot people africa can t help observe machetes more powerful tsunamis mental note save quip attendant shake-of-head tomorrow s party. climbing into volvo pledge get speed whole sudan thing. 83070 re and the moral of story is metz gonna ibpc this but suggest you remove cat stuff recontrue aside in ll. 5-11. gotta keep l word thing for later echo. also like a tank out whack that's technical term poetry criticism -- whack. learn it with tone rest poem. otherwise some excellent very if affected writing. affection ... well effective. oh not sure yes affeted com plexity closing line gives bang want. maybe something more terse dodgesque. --metz goad on your bullocks never pray to me help . --aesop would that i could d good. lowly toad--though nearly lewd as frog whose perpetual wetness reminds sigh fingers slipped into glove slick snug fit--don t go there don misconstrue purring my lap slowly stroke it--toward live toward lust most obvious hush must always does unuttered. prince valiant one precious ve kissed too many green lips become process jaded. now cackle watch warts grow hag within sprouting tulip poking through snow ever glad see naked. when rode up sword hand armored had laugh. darling couldn clich was real. thought chivalry dead desire so sublimated discover splinter haystack. needles pricks though m full them. alas forest flooded. much wood. just stumps pond scummed clotted polliwogs yings unyanged hapless sperm swimming nowhere. all night bullfrogs croak croak. bow throat cello-ing gut strung tight break from tension wait or weight hands imagined touching here. wood--there goes jutting again inappropriate-- heck friend still can. small consolation i'll take it. who said whispered loss us. insert lascivious sad grin 83071 l'heure francaise. a reposting. geoff . odor of garlic stunning bouquet cut flowers illuminated by single light something cumulative after reading hundreds and poems written women it suddenly strikes me that the notion love is staple ingredient addition wine or fresh cream into anything made in french kitchen leone 83072 fourth sunday annmarie eldon again a baragnotic sky from here should i have followed its trammelled droppings mud unparalleled. but windings are not clear. there is the abbey which repels or magnetises according to direction approached. this uncomplicated yet eschatological near vertical grace merely pinioned quasi-simple led. hysteresis threaded flat within all travels shies us where- ever we dare think can. end ed up where driven somehow pushed by signs. spy romney sheep glutinous hyphens expostulating upon half-dead baize. rooks splay disjectorous cuneiform. plainsong was that lazy circuitous and hard. typo read music prayer of benedictine monks based. it includes some oldest melodies eve created. cherry in two cycles at once. late autumn witherings inebriated bats cling intermittering dithering blossoms as if no branch decides. such hedges too look confused dirty irritable. returning crow morses across hastily pastelled haar aching scape throat heart. flee hearth it. may said many things afar. straight always anspoggic. like you shed my corrections. unheroic. written. most paths are. 83073 waking the dead spit annmarie eldon it did not belong to anything lone lark first car frost crept away by bruisey mackerel morning sky nor a needed shower daily routine tired eyes from last night's burns supper stray dog hairs which had clung 15 miles on formal evening dress long black skirt one daughter having an increase in seizures another spiking with flu phrase 'hesed strong connotation of immediate if asymmetrical mutuality' strung as footnote birch mulch hollyhock ghosts where summer they silhouetted out house but senescent squirm-throb hence mmm wet mucoid patch between my legs bed-as-surety simple cold delicious how sucked into itself superfluous terrible events 165 000 and 145-such missing our thrilling biting each other so's worms mightn't..hear us stir cease their natural entropying all things suckcious being thus edible equally forgettable stale whiskey breath rust-umami-must sweat was no time stake yet enough die brick flint echoes thick walls block you take your raincoat against afternoon whilst over country milk is poured sugar spooned decision write off debt stirred heat has made blood come sooner geoid flesh sheet skin thin colloidal emission unviable now temptation think something s stable dryable option 83074 madeline island te ballard she is studying the place where flies have gathered to lay their eggs eyes sinking into belly of a fish. s investigating life with point her stick one small flick and universe over. trout returns pond up floats turns now boat be guided by six year old currents. when done ll gather flat stones from shore bury then unbury dead looking for signs movement or change. it does not matter that everything dying. last week two wings beat in hand stopped speaking. know round song body will straighten. all around world open like cut. 83075 re waking the dead spit te ballard somebody at conference asked billy collins what main job of a poet was he said we are just people who love to fuck around with syntax. i would say that you do better than most. sounds in this poem and am too lulled by them moment give helpful critique. 83076 re l'heure francaise. a reposting. te ballard i would take out poems and put words. 83077 definitions of snow si mon a found poem powder that is crusted on the surface drifting still remembered forgotten falls in large wet flakes small has melted and refrozen been marked by animals man blowing packed down beards mixed with mud shit top but soft underneath looks blue early morning between your fingers or toes little balls cling to fur used for cleaning bricks objects drifted indoors slush idea mounded dead bodies never reaches ground that's shaken from wind then mixes sky-falling angels like it's falling upward makes halos sparkling sunlight moonlight headlights breath night water drifts containing imprint crazy lovers swirling drives you nuts blinds can be sculpted into delicate corsages mouth south hides whole village fall die avalanche burns scalp eyelids glazed ice ordinary outside my door where world 83078 re and the moral of story is te ballard would that i could d goad you good. lowly toad--though not nearly lewd as frog whose perpetual wetness reminds oh sigh fingers slipped into glove a slick snug fit--don t go there don misconstrue cat purring on my lap slowly stroke--toward live toward lust most obvious l word hush it must always does unuttered. prince valiant one precious ve kissed too many green lips become in process jaded. now cackle watch warts grow hag within sprouting like tulip poking through snow ever glad to see me naked. when rode up sword hand armored tank had laugh. darling thought chivalry was dead desire so sublimated never discover splinter this haystack. needles pricks though m full them. alas forest flooded. much wood. just stumps pond scummed clotted with polliwogs yings unyanged hapless sperm swimming nowhere. all night bullfrogs croak croak. bow throat cello-ing gut strung tight break from tension wait or weight your hands imagined touching here. wood--there goes jutting again inappropriate-- heck friend still can. small consolation but i'll take it. who said whispered loss us. insert lascivious sad grin 83079 re and the moral of story is te ballard oh you may notice that i got rid quote. i'll write cover letter send me this two others. love it both metz on same thread well know we hardly agree lol. 83080 snowflakes ii gary b she arranges them like doilies at a holiday craft bazaar the simple six points front doubles in middle and exotics back on floor cardboard box - mismatched flawed stained discolored when they melt before even made one thin penny stacks dirty crystal from last night s party washes it frozen water until her hands are red can not longer feel thumbs forks still encrusted with angel food cake coconut frosting there will always be more to arrange worried piles wind strips plums as bare an august beach. gathers petals send poor children amarillo who miss snow look out window wondering why no two cottonwood leaves same 83081 posturing codswalloper sbern colly-molly puffs. pies and little fried crusts ... cries with a swell beginning 'uff throat closing after the 'ssss ' down gullet sounds go. swallop about our town sells powder balls of soap for sunday treat. children watch his bubbles blow float women buy collies mollies pots lye. codswallopers cry but gain in pickling dill cucumber time-- hawkers sing great cukes-- cukes. puck-thrush-thackers thack- thacking thack-thacking-- cucks. it's time. old gather rush to buy. then come bellow-menders gingerbread bakers mend-a-chair grind knives -- twank brass kettles frying pans sowgelder horns startle maid hanging her wash on master's backyard fence. milk is sold an 'eee-la.' chimney sweeps pitch irregular vowels-- coal small coal. why all these unsold soaps lyes at home playing babies wife drear coming from well postures poem before fire tears eyes. 83082 the moral is ... sbern and dorothy sang follow follow-- yellow-dicked toad. sb 83083 re madeline island jude goodwin the is wonderful t. having mothered three 6 year old daughters i can see these images clearly. and odd conflict - peace acceptance in bow of their study dead things flies. some small nits within she studying place where flies have gathered to lay eggs eyes sinking into belly a fish. s investigating life with point her stick one flick universe over. trout returns pond up floats turns now boat be guided by six currents. when done ll gather flat stones from shore bury then unbury looking for signs thought this could 'look' movement or change. it does not matter that everything dying. last week felt 'everything' was bit dramatic. something more realistic like 'things are dying' two wings beat hand stopped speaking. while loved reference bird better stated if pared down as 'two spoke stopped' again less just style issue though i'm never sure. know round song body will straighten. all around world open cut. 83084 re posturing codswalloper annmarie eldon snake oil - what about thank you for the sheer variety of poetry that post. 83085 re snowflakes ii annmarie eldon it's good to see you writing on 'harsher' themes than usual. 83086 re definitions of snow annmarie eldon this seems like several found pieces together - is it or did you put in some your own stuff 83087 re definitions of snow si mon no this all came from the same source...i took out stuff...the snow. was a website that describing various inuit words for -- validity list is greatly in question but i thought it great fun. change two wolve to animal and husky before shit. also played with order. otherwise place. seems like several found pieces together - or did you put some your own stuff annmarie 83088 re l'heure francaise. a reposting. michael mv julia child comes to mine - not only by way of the french kitchen but that opening image has her name on it at least for me and could solo as symbolic minimal with bit polite modification scent garlic striking bouquet illuminated single light. charm always staple ingredient. say i don't like appreciate your poem proper. charming appropriate february. might consider notes poems . 83089 re posturing codswalloper sbern thank you for the sheer variety of poetry that post. annmarie next i'm hot a poem about love circus dwarf has 400 pound bearded lady-- fascination fetus its own umbilical-- facial itch rubbed raw to point touching bone. as writer wrote seneca nothing human is alien me. lick it taste suck swallow think on stomp screw climb jump over in and into piss it-- kiss with wet open-mouth karmic delight cry get sing pinafore instead oratorio. sloppier better-- first or seconds. that's what i say sticking said. 83090 test michael neff .......................... 83091 re madeline island slosh on the whole i enjoyed this piece but you are chopping and changing language style -- she is s over reference to her seven times try write around see what happens a test worth full marks remember sometimes more better sample-- in view child studying place where flies gathered lay their eggs eyes sinking into belly of fish new investigation life with point stick one small flick universe over. 83092 re to do some translation hannah christopher- there is something here that fascinatingly close describing i think the weird balance between being in love with a real person an ideal not wanting get involved and yet blooming under attention of admiration. you might consider doing reorganizing. thought last line acrobat hands would make excellent first line. improving scope breadth your devices particular various figures repetition words structure images . reducing areas where fundamentally repeat themselves without adding anything new swoops dips dives section maybe little more pause start by varying phrasing punctuation bit. otherwise though this was fairly successful approach enjoyed reading poem. thanks -hannah 83093 re l'heure francaise. a reposting. hannah geoff- i dunno what to say. stylistically it seems precise and well-composed. but the only thing more ubiquitous than love as thematic ingredient in women s writing is surely act of ascribing writing. there something best not venture into. thanks for opportunity read respond -hannah 83094 re madeline island hannah te- i too thought the over-use of she and her dulled rhythm poem probably most them aren't necessary. for similar reasons lack variation in sentence syntax particularly opening sentences possibly could be addressed. is studying place where flies have gathered to lay their eggs eyes sinking into belly a fish. it's confusing who those belong to. are child's flies' or fly like eyeballs if this complicated way saying that notices sees fish...i think language changed just slightly would easier. s investigating life with point stick one small flick universe over. trout returns pond up floats turns now boat guided by six year old currents. when done ll gather flat stones from shore bury then unbury dead looking signs movement change. it does not matter everything dying. last week two wings beat hand stopped speaking . know round song body will straighten. all around world open cut. thanks opportunity read respond te. -hannah 83095 re snowflakes ii barbara silberg i like this but there are some problems here. 1. one thin penny --i know you're trying to avoid the cliche' really doesn't it. 2. as bare an august beach. don't about where you live beaches here in texas lively with tourests and wax-crazy surfers. they wouldn't be bare. is good maybe something besides a beach . 3. when plums blossom -- do plum snow image time for has passed so your logistics bit off i'm afraid. unless of course she dried petals somehow all too logical. oh well apply poetic license. ---barbara s. arranges them doilies at holiday craft bazaar simple six points front doubles middle exotics back on floor cardboard box - mismatched flawed stained discolored melt before even made stacks dirty crystal from last night s party washes it frozen water until her hands red can not longer feel thumbs forks still encrusted angel food cake coconut frosting will always more arrange worried piles wind strips gathers send poor children amarillo who miss look out window wondering why no two cottonwood leaves same 83096 re posturing codswalloper barbara silberg this is quite a lovely read aloud with all the repetition internal rhyme and alliteration. --barbara s. colly-molly puffs. pies little fried crusts ... cries swell beginning 'uff throat closing after 'ssss ' down gullet sounds go. swallop about our town sells powder balls of soap for sunday treat. children watch his bubbles blow float women buy collies mollies pots lye. codswallopers cry but gain in pickling dill cucumber time-- hawkers sing great cukes-- cukes. puck-thrush-thackers thack- thacking thack-thacking-- cucks. it's time. old gather rush to buy. then come bellow-menders gingerbread bakers mend-a-chair grind knives -- twank brass kettles frying pans sowgelder horns startle maid hanging her wash on master's backyard fence. milk sold an 'eee-la.' chimney sweeps pitch irregular vowels-- coal small coal. why these unsold soaps lyes at home playing babies wife drear coming from well postures poem before fire tears eyes. sbern 83097 to add michael mv much in accord re the pronoun. might consider metaphor here . all around world is an open cut. 83098 re l'heure francaise. a reposting. metz hmmm. seems to me you're saying as much that ingredients food is staple in women's love literature ingedient literature. point worth harping upon imho. poetry aside like water for chocolate comes mind vastly overrated amoroculinary chick book. technically i think the presentation of first part second stanza clumsy. you wanna keep cumulative but maybe not start with it. after ... axe written. best -- . odor garlic stunning bouquet cut flowers illuminated by single light something reading hundreds and poems written women it suddenly strikes notion ingredient addition wine or fresh cream into anything made french kitchen geoff leone 83099 a man and woman secular candle-light licks the dark i contemplate its flicker watching red by late kszysztof kiesliewski some imagery events trace my memoirs with stories spiraling into renewed existence window veils dance between room outside like awareness of now moves future past m. will come to eat dinner me compare lengths our fingers align naked limbs while buena vista social club pours mellifluous cuban rhythms her lips taste honey circa 1975 when saw last time jean-louis trintignant in that da.. dada daaaaah... melody his face is still young but he walks cane maybe demanded role movie chopin has technical difficulties on cd player it starts spin stops. then story about ferry close 1 500 dead w. told aunt married swed she did not make it. was devastated across baltic sea. returning from native poland. water sea so cold even summer after traveling all night hard truck bed next day morning sleepy almost fainting tiredness jumped head-first skull felt imploding once submerged regret kicked nano-second's rush hypothermia. have they recovered body observed afar atop hill rain looks aureole borealis skewed wind smudge pastel landscape. 83100 re posturing codswalloper yoly sbern- like jelly from a donut these words open to little more pleasure. yum. thanks for letting me nosh. colly-molly puffs. pies and fried crusts ... cries with swell beginning 'uff throat closing after the 'ssss ' down gullet sounds go. swallop about our town sells powder balls of soap sunday treat. children watch his bubbles blow float women buy collies mollies pots lye. codswallopers cry but gain in pickling dill cucumber time-- hawkers sing great cukes-- cukes. puck-thrush-thackers thack- thacking thack-thacking-- cucks. it's time. old gather rush buy. then come bellow-menders gingerbread bakers mend-a-chair grind knives -- twank brass kettles frying pans sowgelder horns startle maid hanging her wash on master's backyard fence. milk is sold an 'eee-la.' chimney sweeps pitch irregular vowels-- coal small coal. why all unsold soaps lyes at home playing babies wife drear coming well postures poem before fire tears eyes. sbern 83101 re snowflakes ii yoly hi gary- i liked it but wondered if children truly put that much thought into cottonwood. the begininng had promise as ended this falls a little flat. enjoyed center mostly beacuse has more life. peace she arranges them like doilies at holiday craft bazaar simple six points front doubles in middle and exotics back on floor cardboard box - mismatched flawed stained discolored when they melt before even made one thin penny stacks dirty crystal from last night s party washes frozen water until her hands are red can not longer feel thumbs forks still encrusted with angel food cake coconut frosting there will always be to arrange worried piles wind strips plums bare an august beach. gathers petals send poor amarillo who miss snow look out window wondering why no two cottonwood leaves same 83102 re waking the dead spit yoly annmarie- i remember responding to this...maybe another lifetime richly detailed. your wordsmithing is be applauded. yep bend words too. enjoyed it did not belong anything lone lark first car frost crept away by bruisey mackerel morning sky nor a needed shower daily routine tired eyes from last night's burns supper stray dog hairs which had clung 15 miles on formal evening dress long black skirt one daughter having an increase in seizures spiking with flu phrase 'hesed strong connotation of immediate if asymmetrical mutuality' strung as footnote birch mulch hollyhock ghosts where summer they silhouetted out house but senescent squirm-throb hence mmm wet mucoid patch between my legs bed-as-surety simple cold delicious how sucked into itself superfluous terrible events 165 000 and 145-such missing our thrilling biting each other so's worms mightn't..hear us stir cease their natural entropying all things suckcious being thus edible equally forgettable stale whiskey breath rust-umami-must sweat was no time stake yet enough die brick flint echoes thick walls block you take raincoat against afternoon whilst over country milk poured sugar spooned decision write off debt stirred heat has made blood come sooner geoid flesh sheet skin thin colloidal emission unviable now temptation think something s stable dryable option 83104 resolution and other things yoly i seal clothes that smell of rust 90 s labor in white glad bags. imagine naming garbage liners might have been someone task. setting for the curb think how ve put off nearing your particular as dna procrastination takes physical shape like limp buttonholes windows stay-at-home ghost. useless these conditions continuance absence hands would comb but wind teases my hair this curiously-tepid january afternoon. now junk jaws arrives on time. 83105 disassembled narrative laurel disasssembled for hannah and scoplaw i write woman island knife the mind assembles them. want badly to lie. --scoplaw but lie misread as die shifts action from slit package plunged into chest or mis-aimed abdomen blade hare-kari-ing--what is japanese word honorable death nose-sliced-off-life-snuffed-in-spite madame butterfly shish-kabobbed upon sword disguised silk ah beauty of that thrust falling forward dramatic crescendo stops pulse. this specific reader will interact with your text insist a an there nothing particularly exotic about thirst when surrounded by saltwater eye seeing waves far can see single palm tree coconut dangling like weapon it surely once gravity grabs hold shrunken head. funny how any stranger on street reminds one long-lost forgotten. you look so familiar yet. easily brain alases our poor yorricks. in my dreams still love me. s ending doesn t just make cringe 83106 re posturing codswalloper laurel mares eat oats and does little lambs ivy. that's the song that popped into my head when i read colly-molly puffs fried crusts. god this is delightful to out loud. absolutely delicious in mouth. alas am not at work so have no unwilling unwitting victims upon which inflict your poetry. grin they look me like i'm crazy---okay maybe am--when say hey wanna hear a cool poem sole nit--which just mistyped as soul nit--is wish ended on y sound. sure you won't go for but what hell it's workshop right can make suggestion laugh uproariously. smile suggest consider ending thusly before fire eyes teary. oh stop with guffaws. d'lighted always sir sonically rich diction 83107 re madeline island laurel an edit for you to consider or ignore grin she's studying the place where flies have gathered lay their eggs eyes sinking into guts of a fish. she s investigating life with point her stick--one small flick and universe is over. trout returns pond belly up boat be guided by six year old currents. when done ll gather flat stones from sand bury then unbury dead looking signs change movement. it doesn't matter that everything dying. last week two wings beat in hand ceased speak. yet know round song body will straighten. all around world open like cut. t changes i made were mostly interest consistency contractions although honestly i've mixed matched contracted uncontracted verbs before so don't realy problem mixture here rhythm sonics. my biggest nit was blatant stating fish transformed boat. wanted poem bit subtler there. initially hesitated on those ing but upon changing them studies investigates found lines lost agree your choice. overall enjoyed reading poem. especially ending about straightening as wound. 83108 re resolution and other things barbara silberg some of your lines are just yummy but this needs to be cut. after the firecracker 2nd stanza it went downhill. first i really love particular as dna procrastination takes physical shape like limp buttonholes windows for stay-at-home ghost. if nothing else i'd find a way end with stanza. what does imagine naming garbage liners might have been someone s task do rest really. cut this. setting is not very strong verb. frankly it's rather ambiguous considering all many sundry meanings have. look up in dictionary. think last time looked counted 71 'set'. hope help. -- s. ps smell 90's labor man that's got ripe grin seal clothes that rust 90 white glad bags. task. curb how ve put off nearing useless these conditions continuance absence hands would comb wind teases my hair curiously-tepid january afternoon. now junk jaws arrives on time. 83109 re fourth sunday laurel thank god for this again. i read over on the other side and liked it alot. also enjoyed reading bern's comments. last 3 lines knock me down to ground. but then whole poem does. my dear is sublime cherry in two cycles at once. late autumn witherings inebriated bats cling intermittering dithering blossoms as if no branch decides. oh damn---the is. we flee hearth not from it---meanwhile just mistyped heart. learn so much your poems annmarie. like poetry that makes aspire more own. you've got bar raised out of reach can stand tippy toes dream can't grin a pleasure ma'am you. again baragnotic sky here should have followed its trammelled droppings mud unparalleled. windings are clear. there abbey which repels or magnetises according direction approached. uncomplicated yet eschatological near vertical grace merely pinioned quasi-simple led. hysteresis threaded flat within all travels shies us where- ever dare think can. end ed up where driven somehow pushed by signs. spy romney sheep glutinous hyphens expostulating upon half-dead baize. rooks splay disjectorous cuneiform. plainsong was lazy circuitous hard. typo music prayer benedictine monks based. includes some oldest melodies eve created. such hedges too look confused dirty irritable. returning crow morses across hastily pastelled haar aching scape throat it. may said many things afar. straight always anspoggic. you shed corrections. unheroic. written. most paths are. 83111 re to do some translation laurel i'm really surprised that this poem didn't garner more responses chris. are you new the board if so welcome. and hey i hope lack of response hasn't disenchanted you. think folks still a bit tentative about posting poems or crits after last week disappearing posts. agree with hannah approach is successful. disagree her suggestion regarding movement line up top though. would however suggest consider moving penultimate poem's beginning she keeps mind on accurate translations. then end just parenthetical. love for fifty minutes day sheltered young man learns obsession. enjoyed reading your stick around. translation. deaf boy in third row small desk chairs falling older blonde woman. woman who repeating dull calculus instructions through hand motions finger twitches circles loops dips dives precise starts stops language- loving him as friend bright smile. though sure proven flawless hands fears miscommunication gleaming eyes. kind heart faith wavering strength own intentions. acrobats but face steals show. 83113 re disassembled narrative sachi dear laurel i think--some images here are nicely assembled and particularly 'madame butterfly shish-kabobbed upon sword'. great treat however as you know quote.. ...sometimes the thing that needs to be said is not within scope of poem. what unsaid lives terrible tensions narrative.... look for tension am disappointed..with awkward sounding assemblies like...nose-sliced-off-life-snuffed-in-spite ..and much used...eye seeing nothing but waves far eye can see..and familiar palm tree. indeed ending else fails satisfy. cheers disasssembled hannah scoplaw write woman island knife mind assembles them. want badly lie. --scoplaw lie misread die shifts action from slit package plunged into chest or mis-aimed abdomen blade hare-kari-ing--what japanese word honorable death nose-sliced-off-life-snuffed-in-spite madame sword disguised silk ah beauty thrust falling forward dramatic crescendo stops pulse. this specific reader will interact with your text insist a an there exotic about thirst when surrounded by saltwater see single tree coconut dangling like weapon it surely once gravity grabs hold shrunken head. funny how any stranger on street reminds one long-lost forgotten. so yet. easily brain alases our poor yorricks. in my dreams still love me. s doesn t just make cringe 83114 he wants his old face back jude goodwin shouts 'no '. voice is always loud and full of complaint people sush him - it's hard for everyone. the tv stacked with videos games flat laundry undone things bruising swelling are yellow now. eyes lift to mine as though dragging a great weight. in hospital fingers raked bandages like beachhead. told nurse there was an army on face. that has now marched 6 days its boots drag blood across lip new land frontier pain strangeness just when begins heal love roundness nose feel upper can kiss then perhaps they'll shake their heads cluck tongues again screaming back. boy at school calls bathroom home keeps mirrors folded up. 83115 re resolution and other things sachi hi yoly the brightest spot in my opinion is 'procrastination takes physical shape like limp buttonholes windows for stay-at-home ghost' --rest i found line with confessionals tad sentimental replete stale phrases pictures repackaged . think it may need more work to sit alongside explosive stuff you normally write..also not sure what title is.. best. seal clothes that smell of rust 90 s labor white glad bags. imagine naming garbage liners might have been someone task. setting curb how ve put off nearing your particular as dna procrastination ghost. useless these conditions continuance absence hands would comb but wind teases hair this curiously-tepid january afternoon. now junk jaws arrives on time. 83116 re a man and woman sachi dear secular i am intrigued why you chose 'window veil' over curtain--also with the arrangement of images almost imploding--and way control them or fail to towards premediated end. is profluence silly thing don't know. in any case--i was poem --from red thought it would progress blue white but surprised..and then lost 'stories spiralling into renewed existence'...buena vista..un homme et une femme..chopin m w jump baltic. think they all belong as must couldn't see happening yet. thanks for read. candle-light licks dark contemplate its flicker watching by late kszysztof kiesliewski some imagery events trace my memoirs stories spiraling existence window veils dance between room outside like awareness now moves future past m. will come eat dinner me compare lengths our fingers align naked limbs while buena vista social club pours mellifluous cuban rhythms her lips taste honey circa 1975 when saw last time jean-louis trintignant that da.. dada daaaaah... melody his face still young he walks cane maybe demanded role movie chopin has technical difficulties on cd player starts spin stops. story about ferry close 1 500 dead w. told aunt married swed she did not make it. devastated across baltic sea. returning from native poland. water sea so cold even summer after traveling night hard truck bed next day morning sleepy fainting tiredness jumped head-first skull felt imploding once submerged regret kicked nano-second's rush hypothermia. have recovered body observed afar atop hill rain looks aureole borealis skewed wind smudge pastel landscape. 83117 reader to sachi strong nouns and verbs slow paced full of suffering never referring anything readily etched in the common mind a poem by someone young. audience were older ones they ribbed whispered as he read knew everything about love indifference hate. it was father son. separated thin walls tiny cell mapped reverse their writings on wall before dead. shared window but lines different. like shadow with beating heart no one could put finger that. not fear or something else. searched seemed know word looking for. suddenly occurred had come an end. end reading oh how wasn t just beginning short poet said. damn you. cheated. stopped search for words anyway. clapped. hands folded sat silence quietly left. 83118 re he wants his old face back barbara silberg in and undone things it's hard for everyone. you don't need the or everyone repeated after first time. your reader can see that. folded up could do without up. might add child's age here somewhere maybe why to give a better picture of what's going on. --barbara s. shouts 'no '. voice is always loud full complaint people sush him - tv stacked with videos games flat laundry bruising swelling are yellow now. eyes lift mine as though dragging great weight. hospital fingers raked bandages like beachhead. told nurse there was an army on face. that has now marched 6 days its boots drag blood across lip new land frontier pain strangeness just when begins heal love roundness nose feel upper kiss then perhaps they'll shake their heads cluck tongues again screaming back. boy at school calls bathroom home keeps mirrors 83119 resuscitating the moon william i found dead in river a sickle of swore to give her soup care pull out sliver vein. perhaps we polluted night sky too much don t know why this white ocean eye fell near drown rain. but it has been dark many years and my hands wandering like seer s front body ears work dream grain where one bulb fallen prophet hasn got clue how put back heaven. 83120 re disassembled narrative william laurel i think this poem could certainly survive revision and turn into something good but you go for too many angles here.. example note the harold bloom idea of misprision is perhaps what sparks shakespeare reference then a definite shift at woman an island to which assaults john donne correct assertion.. like line about nothing particularly exotic as it jars reader reconsidering idealized image tropical undiscovered island.. sense another funny how any stranger on street reminds long-lost forgotten although there thsi that enjoy .. yorrick shakespeare.. has been mentioned feel unpaid ending.. best luck cheers bill disasssembled hannah scoplaw write knife mind assembles them. want badly lie. --scoplaw lie misread die shifts action from slit package plunged chest or mis-aimed abdomen blade hare-kari-ing--what japanese word honorable death nose-sliced-off-life-snuffed-in-spite madame butterfly shish-kabobbed upon sword disguised silk ah beauty thrust falling forward dramatic crescendo stops pulse. specific will interact with your text insist thirst when surrounded by saltwater eye seeing waves far can see single palm tree coconut dangling weapon surely once gravity grabs hold shrunken head. one forgotten. look so familiar yet. easily brain alases our poor yorricks. in my dreams still love me. s ending doesn t just make cringe 83121 re he wants his old face back sachi hello jude i like the trope and thought this poem was alusive to a certain rock star who so radically changed may be wanting one but that could me. think title stronger... have my back' also something about point of view--third person limited in opinion is stifling..you try else allow narrator more room .. greater access help you avoid awkwardness having repeat 'he' or 'his' as many times....just thought. thanks for read. shouts 'no '. voice always loud full complaint people sush him - it's hard everyone. tv stacked with videos games flat laundry undone things bruising swelling are yellow now. eyes lift mine though dragging great weight. hospital fingers raked bandages beachhead. told nurse there an army on face. has now marched 6 days its boots drag blood across lip new land frontier pain strangeness just when begins heal love roundness nose feel upper can kiss then perhaps they'll shake their heads cluck tongues again screaming back. boy at school calls bathroom home keeps mirrors folded up. 83122 re resuscitating the moon sachi hi william title is wonderful..and trope. i liked first strophe quite a lot. beyond that..i sensed change in narrator's voice..as if someone else took over from narrator..and wasn't upto it. nice read..cheers found dead river sickle of swore to give her soup care pull out sliver vein. perhaps we polluted night sky too much don t know why this white ocean eye fell near drown rain. but it has been dark many years and my hands wandering like seer s front body ears work dream grain where one bulb fallen prophet hasn got clue how put back heaven. 83123 re resuscitating the moon michael mv i like title ok yet would consider giving nouth to mouth seriously it's even more concrete. 1st dead in river found a sickle of swore give her soup and pull out sliver vein. w white space where one bulb has fallen prophet hasn t got clue how put it back heaven. maybe isn't needed by this time. best regards 83124 to add michael mv liked much of this esp chopin has technical difficulties on the cd player that's just a great line me can solo no pun intended having or dvd reminds one mine years back thinker giving himself migraine 83126 re resuscitating the moon ryan i found dead in river a sickle swore to give her soup care pull out sliver vein perhaps we pollute night sky too much know why this white ocean eye fell near drown rain has been dark many years my hands wandering like seer s front of body ears don t work dream grain where one bulb fallen prophet got no clue put back heaven 83127 re definitions of snow sherry hi si mon thought i would try posting at a different site. just putting my toes in the water it's all snowmelt today. seems to be lot familiar names here with solid criticisms. liked this as found poem it fun cut up even more perhaps begin taking out and working around those thats. best s. powder that is crusted on surface drifting still remembered forgotten falls large wet flakes small has melted refrozen been marked by animals man blowing packed down beards mixed mud shit top but soft underneath looks blue early morning between your fingers or little balls cling fur used for cleaning bricks objects drifted indoors slush idea mounded dead bodies never reaches ground that's shaken from wind then mixes sky-falling angels like falling upward makes halos sparkling sunlight moonlight headlights breath night drifts containing imprint crazy lovers swirling drives you nuts blinds can sculpted into delicate corsages mouth south hides whole village fall die avalanche burns scalp eyelids glazed ice ordinary outside door where world 83128 re after the film sherry hello metz thought i'd try a different board. feeling like newbie. your poetry is always refreshing to read seemingly light yet packed with sentence structure supporting lengthy thought. grin i liked it. it seemed little rough in last stanza--the attendant shake-of-head part. yes we really do need get up speed on this africa thing. perhaps somehow reference of refer title main character s. you take pains explain wife detail far surpassing mastery fact exactly why those nasty hutus slaughtered tutsis making sure place sufficient blame belgian colonialism and pointing out how faction slaughterees ended winning war due superior military organi- zation discipline not mention french weapons. no small amount pride that followed situation pretty darned close at time times though many specifics had since escaped was so long ago are thankful director for memory indignation. when she asks who charge now things going suggest nick nolte might have over-acted. agrees million lot people even can t help but observe machetes more powerful than tsunamis mental note save quip tomorrow s party. climbing into volvo both pledge whole sudan 83129 re disassembled narrative laurel hey sorry it didn't satisfy sachi. i think probably posted much too quickly. ought to know by now resist the urge of posting a just-written draft. agree with your assessment that nose-sliced clumsiness. definitely needs smoothing. after walked away from poem yesterday realized word was searching for in is hari-kari. duh. had kamikaze and harikari cross-wired my brain. so fixing too. geez whole does. grin thanks input. appreciated. dear think--some images here are nicely assembled particularly 'madame butterfly shish-kabobbed upon sword'. great treat however as you quote.. ...sometimes thing be said not within scope poem. what unsaid lives terrible tensions narrative.... look tension am disappointed..with awkward sounding assemblies like...nose-sliced-off-life-snuffed-in-spite ..and used...eye seeing nothing but waves far eye can see..and familiar palm tree. indeed ending else fails satisfy. cheers sachi 83130 re disassembled narrative laurel ha. oh bill lately all my poems seem to be springing from a series of free associations--which results in some strange unwieldly and utlimately insupportable constructions sometimes i guess what i'm trying say badly thanks the hour day lack consciousness ha is that writing right now rarely have stable foundation upon which they're built . but it interesting as hell write like this. yes agree with you this poem will survive revision---most do if poet's willing think don't although been accused for better word by very dear friend killing revision---and she may right--but i'd rather revise ruthlessly intensively than believe crap about first best word---which rare cases does apply usually not---a rough draft called reason no donne was intentional. bloom not--perhaps hannah scoplaw were getting at there inspired mine. misprision nope shakespeare sprang coconut shrunken head familiar stranger passed on street. can connect dots one association next maybe reader can't---and going continue vein--and gosh probably because enjoy surprises provides me brain kick out strangest things relax stop thinking poetry--i ought strive make connections between bit more explicit. or heck go complete opposite direction them so enigmatic makes sense all. grin always your feedback sir. it's much appreciated. could certainly revision turn into something good too many angles here.. example note harold idea perhaps sparks reference then definite shift woman an island assaults john correct assertion.. line nothing particularly exotic jars reconsidering idealized image tropical undiscovered island.. another funny how any street reminds long-lost forgotten thsi .. yorrick shakespeare.. has mentioned feel unpaid ending.. luck cheers disasssembled 83131 re resolution and other things yoly hi barbara- thank you for stopping in leaving me your impressions. i appreciate it. glad some was yummy. let's see if the revision fairy visits me. peace of lines are just yummy but this needs to be cut. after firecracker 2nd stanza it went downhill. first really love particular as dna procrastination takes physical shape like limp buttonholes windows stay-at-home ghost. nothing else i'd find a way end with stanza. what does imagine naming garbage liners might have been someone s task do rest really. cut this. setting is not very strong verb. frankly it's rather ambiguous considering all many sundry meanings have. look up dictionary. think last time looked counted 71 'set'. hope help. -- barbara s. ps smell 90's labor man that's got ripe grin 83132 re resolution and other things yoly hi sachi- yes sentimental that's me. too much maybe but when do fools hold back i'm glad you liked the line that kept my batting average from dipping into negative numbers. i appreciate your input. explosive was a mighty kind thing to say. thank you. peace brightest spot in opinion is 'procrastination takes physical shape like limp buttonholes windows for stay-at-home ghost' --rest found with confessionals tad replete stale phrases pictures repackaged . think it may need more work sit alongside stuff normally write..also not sure what title is.. best. sachi 83133 re resuscitating the moon yoly hi william- this for me began to meander after 2s. i think it would punch if you left at that. liked title. peace found dead in river a sickle of swore give her soup care pull out sliver vein. perhaps we polluted night sky too much don t know why white ocean eye fell near drown rain. but has been dark many years and my hands wandering like seer s front body ears work dream grain where one bulb fallen prophet hasn got clue how put back heaven. 83134 provisioanl eternity through undisclosed freeways yoly sly verbs dangle no smile do-it-yourself stance - go stark stranger merge one of your two confessions scars in women are breathtaking i remind you stripped dolls unowned eye savagely opened sharp as ice stare pricks unfathomably long bleeds me out what soul or so call up to from alternate heaven embody a god knock-off ask am 83135 re posturing codswalloper sbern sbern- like jelly from a donut these words open to little more pleasure. yum. thanks for letting me nosh. yoly i don't know is musical poetry very popular days-- the melody. sb 83136 re posturing codswalloper sbern mares eat oats and does little lambs ivy. that's the song that popped into my head when i read colly-molly puffs fried crusts. god this is delightful to out loud. absolutely delicious in mouth. alas am not at work so have no unwilling unwitting victims upon which inflict your poetry. grin they look me like i'm crazy---okay maybe am--when say hey wanna hear a cool poem sole nit--which just mistyped as soul nit--is wish ended on y sound. sure you won't go for but what hell it's workshop right can make suggestion laugh uproariously. smile suggest consider ending thusly before fire eyes teary. oh stop with guffaws. d'lighted always sir sonically rich diction laurel may be of tune these days. thanks music. sb 83137 re snowflakes ii gary b 1. one thin penny --i know you're trying to avoid the cliche' but really doesn't it. 2. as bare an august beach. i don't about where you live beaches here in texas are lively with tourests and wax-crazy surfers. they wouldn't be bare. is good maybe something besides a beach . i've made changes for these. single beachwear. plums must stay though logic can't rule poem that irrational at its heart. thanks. like this there some problems here. 3. when blossom -- do plum snow image time has passed so your logistics bit off i'm afraid. unless of course she dried petals somehow all too logical. oh well apply poetic license. ---barbara s. 83138 re snowflakes ii gary b no they would not but i do consider such things. thanks. hi gary- liked it wondered if children truly put that much thought into cottonwood. the begininng had promise as ended this falls a little flat. enjoyed center mostly beacuse has more life. peace yoly 83139 re snowflakes ii gary b it's good to see you writing on 'harsher' themes than usual. annmarie i thought have been albeit not posted here... you've given me an idea for a poem which will post tomorrow. thanks. 83140 re provisioanl eternity through undisclosed freew gary b good tag line. it could start at i remind you of stripped dolls thanks. sly verbs dangle no smile do-it-yourself stance - go stark stranger merge one your two confessions scars in women are breathtaking unowned eye savagely opened sharp as ice stare pricks unfathomably long bleeds me out what soul or so call up to from alternate heaven embody a god knock-off ask am freeways 83141 re a man and woman gary b fine read. i agree with mv about chopin but also like they way here m. will come to eat dinner me elsewhere you use initials an old-fashioned novel. thanks. candle-light licks the dark contemplate its flicker watching red by late kszysztof kiesliewski some imagery events trace my memoirs stories spiraling into renewed existence window veils dance between room outside awareness of now moves future past compare lengths our fingers align naked limbs while buena vista social club pours mellifluous cuban rhythms her lips taste honey circa 1975 when saw last time jean-louis trintignant in that da.. dada daaaaah... melody his face is still young he walks cane maybe demanded role movie has technical difficulties on cd player it starts spin stops. then story ferry close 1 500 dead w. told aunt married swed she did not make it. was devastated across baltic sea. returning from native poland. water sea so cold even summer after traveling all night hard truck bed next day morning sleepy almost fainting tiredness jumped head-first skull felt imploding once submerged regret kicked nano-second's rush hypothermia. have recovered body observed afar atop hill rain looks aureole borealis skewed wind smudge pastel landscape. 83142 re fourth sunday gary b a poem to study not one wave through as we try catch up with the mail and reads this am. that i can't is my bad. seriously check out bap2004. you could give them run for their money. thanks. again baragnotic sky from here should have followed its trammelled droppings mud unparalleled. but windings are clear. there abbey which repels or magnetises according direction approached. uncomplicated yet eschatological near vertical grace merely pinioned quasi-simple led. hysteresis threaded flat within all travels shies us where- ever dare think can. end ed where driven somehow pushed by signs. spy romney sheep glutinous hyphens expostulating upon half-dead baize. rooks splay disjectorous cuneiform. plainsong was lazy circuitous hard. typo read music prayer of benedictine monks based. it includes some oldest melodies eve created. cherry in two cycles at once. late autumn witherings inebriated bats cling intermittering dithering blossoms if no branch decides. such hedges too look confused dirty irritable. returning crow morses across hastily pastelled haar aching scape throat heart. flee hearth it. may said many things afar. straight always anspoggic. like shed corrections. unheroic. written. most paths are. 83143 re l'heure francaise. a reposting. gary b everyone seems to want change poems. therefore you might consider verse with its sometimes unpleasent meaning. all in good read. thanks. . odor of garlic stunning bouquet cut flowers illuminated by single light something cumulative after reading hundreds and poems written women it suddenly strikes me that the notion love is staple ingredient addition wine or fresh cream into anything made french kitchen geoff leone 83144 sidewalk passage ryan today the rain didn't come and umbrellas were happy but then it did you said was snow still i knew wrong people kept walking with hope some dry ness a sky white prospect of sun improved sudden chance for raincoats over thrown 83145 re provisioanl eternity through undisclosed freew yoly gary- thanks for stopping in. yes that would be a good start. peace tag line. it could start at i remind you of stripped dolls thanks. gary 83146 re provisioanl eternity through undisclosed freew ryan i like - but felt some uneccesary parts... here is my take ------ or so you call one up to from alternate heaven of your two confessions breathtaking are scars in women ask am open freeways remind stripped dolls unowned the eye savage ed sharp as ice stare pricks unfathomably long bleed me out what soul embody a knock-off almighty 83147 rue laurel i measure sparsity between lines --rosanna licari call me pearl diver. your silence plunges under. giant oyster. pries open. m not boasting can hold my breath or hand forever. enraptured by lack of warmth sound actual world otherwise so reliable and solid. fixated upon how it becomes suddenly as distant a dream half-remembered dissipating each minute progresses toward wakefulness. one-ton stone. sinks to the bottom. surface dappled horse gallops over. too high for reach. last night listened with interest heart s irregular rhythm first time in at least century. sky flailed comet flaunted its tail look but was wearied care tired see. letter scant words scattered on page like seed fallow field remained sealed. single witness this scene woman alone bed an emptied shell pitiable pitying . 83148 re resuscitating the moon laurel what a killer diller title bill. i made tiniest changes. see you think dead in river sickle of swore to give her soup pull out sliver vein. perhaps we polluted nightsky too much don t know why this ocean eye fell near drowned rain. but it has been dark many years and my hands wandering like seer s front body ears work dream grain where one white bulb fallen prophet hasn got clue how put back heaven. really only thing wasn't crazy about was found first line which for strange construction stumbling entry into poem. poem especially coming from you. very much. 83149 re sidewalk passage laurel hi ryan i don't usually comment on your work but do always read it. like it even if get what it's getting at. here clear as day i'm not crazy about think part of my lack enthusiasm is due to the formatting. went ahead and formatted into a run sentence see how that might today didn't rain umbrellas were happy then did you said was snow knew wrong people kept walking with hope some dry ness sky white prospect sun improved sudden chance for raincoats over thrown after seeing page rereading first line taking consideration spare poem is....i kinda wanna scattered all each word discrete from next raindrops. course html savvy enough show mean. grin still spreading way heck out rather than condensing in edit really give oomph. pretty lousy at formatting own poems so take this crit grain salt eh smile 83150 re sidewalk passage ryan thanks i like the raindrop idea - will screw play around with it 83151 re provisioanl eternity through undisclosed freew laurel i think the poem begins here one of your two confessions scars on women are breathaking which btw i'd italicize instead enclosing in quotes. i'm not sure why this is quotes stare pricks unfathomably long bleeds me out what--soul that puzzled me. didn't sound like a line being spoken. be sorely tempted to cut soul from and end it what alot embody god knockoff. that's just plain good. oh hey another nit as reread. maybe put modifier after dolls heck offer an edit. it's so much easier. remind you stripped unowned eye savagely opened sharp ice. or call up alternate heaven knock-off ask am freeways cool yoly. strange. but cool. read bill's ryan's then yours. strange progression poems. 83152 re definitions of snow si mon thanks sherry -- i think you will like it here. i'll play around with this some more isn't going anywhere the most i've had all year. hi thought would try posting at a different site. just putting my toes in water it's snowmelt today. seems to be lot familiar names here solid criticisms. liked as found poem fun cut up even perhaps begin taking out and working those thats. best s. 83153 re sidewalk passage laurel hey if that play comes to any kind of fruition do post it. i'd be curious see how the poem looks formatted like that. lk thanks i raindrop idea - will screw around with it 83154 re rue ryan hi - glad to have the opportunity screw hell out of this i loved it just a suggestion s with love here you go. -------------- call me pearl. diver. silence plunges under . giant oyster yours pries open. m not boasting can hold breath mine or your forever hand enraptured by lack warmth sound actual world otherwise so reliable and solid. upon how becomes fixated suddenly as distant dream half- remembered diss-i pating each minute progresses toward wakefulness. one-ton stone sinks bottom. surface dappled horse gallop over. too. high reach. for last night listen interest heart irregular rhythm first time in century least sky flailed comet flaunted its tail look at but was too wearied care tired see letter. scant words scattered on page like seed fallow field remained sealed. single witness scene alone bed woman an emptied shell pitiable pitying 83155 re sidewalk passage yoly hi ryan- the poem seems rather strange but i like it. there's a sense of twilight zone to stumbled bit on people kept walking with hope some dryness. this sudden chance for raincoats overthrown it's code. 0 peace today rain didn't come and umbrellas were happy then it did you said was snow still knew wrong dry ness sky white prospect sun improved over thrown 83156 re provisioanl eternity through undisclosed freew yoly hi ryan ppreciate your input here. glad you liked. will consider take. peace i like - but felt some uneccesary parts... here is my take ------ or so call one up to from alternate heaven of two confessions breathtaking are scars in women ask am open freeways remind stripped dolls unowned the eye savage ed sharp as ice stare pricks unfathomably long bleed me out what soul embody a knock-off almighty 83157 re sidewalk passage ryan thanks for reading - it really was a quick sketch no codes intended... i felt compelled to write after bit of frank o hara who seemed be poetry-isizing about rain snow and hail. my version an ohara poem sorta dont think have big head he is good would never try get away with comparing myself as such. 83158 re provisioanl eternity through undisclosed freew yoly hi laurel- we must have been drinking the same potion. you a good eye for making poem seem more interesting. i like what did. thank peace think begins here one of your two confessions scars on women are breathaking which btw i'd italicize instead enclosing in quotes. i'm not sure why this is quotes stare pricks unfathomably long bleeds me out what--soul that puzzled me. didn't sound line being spoken. be sorely tempted to cut soul from and end it alot embody god knockoff. that's just plain good. oh hey another nit as reread. maybe put modifier after dolls heck offer an edit. it's so much easier. remind stripped unowned savagely opened sharp ice. or call up alternate heaven knock-off ask am freeways cool yoly. strange. but cool. read bill's ryan's then yours. strange progression poems. laurel 83159 re sidewalk passage yoly i know what you mean. once inspired gotta write. do enjoy having to dig through some of your stuff. thanks for reading - it really was a quick sketch no codes intended... felt compelled write after bit frank o hara who seemed be poetry-isizing about rain snow and hail. my version an ohara poem sorta dont think have big head he is good would never try get away with comparing myself as such. 83160 re and the moral of story is laurel affection effective or affectation hey metz thanks so much for your vote confidence on this one--and heck any my work that strays out neat little box i thought was poetry. like told bill above am consciously trying to write in a new way--and results often are strange surprising even me. it's good hear some readers sticking with me as hack path try find way something . i'll bang ending sir. yeah tank may just be outta whack. don't getting all technical me---like ayers stuff over head grin yeah. that's where i'm pulling these poems from. smile really crit. now excuse while go do jig. time celebrate quietly tentatively here browns country. think we done finally got ourselves coach. 83161 re and the moral of story is laurel are you pony-ing up for postage too then hot damn poems as good there. don't hold your breath grin oh te thanks supporting me pushing um did i say to submit. one these days will. when receive my first rejection letter i'm going kiss it send you. smile seriously---thank may notice that got rid quote. i'll write cover this two others. love both metz on same thread well know we hardly agree lol. 83162 we're off to see the blizzard... laurel i hurt myself this morning when read mister berns. laughed much too loudly and inappropriately at 8 07am on a monday in an open cubicle environment. i'm lyrically challenged have been my whole life. even songs most folks know lyrics 9 times outta 10 get those wrong. so your yellow-dicked toad made day. grin that phrase makes elton john's song ever more snappy goodbye toad--- damn that's good example. just googled for song---and swear had no idea there were howling dogs owls horny toads let alone farms ploughs. challenged. someone make me t-shirt sings wrong words. next time dorothy's tv skipping oz arm of her lover scarecrow singing damned mista berns i'll think you. dorothy sang follow follow-- toad. sb 83163 re rue ryan not sure you liked my attempt - but i wanted to refine anyway really like the orig. ------------------------------- call me pearl. diver. silence plunges under . giant oyster yours pries open. m boasting can hold breath mine or your forever hand enraptured by lack of warmth sound actual world otherwise so reliable and solid. upon how it becomes fixated suddenly as distant a dream half- remembered diss-i pating each minute progresses toward wakeful ness. one-ton stone sinks bottom. surface dappled horse gallop over. too. high reach for last night listen with interest heart s irregular rhythm first time in century least sky flailed comet flaunted its tail look at was too wearied car ry e tired see letter scant words scattered on page seed fallow field remained sealed. single witness this scene alone bed woman an emptied shell pitiable pitying ing 83164 saab story bowen her hand snakes and yanks the keys from ignition. everything stops even their fight. he wants to leave in ditch but a him--good samaritan already dialing for tow. she doesn't know that it's not really photohut he'd rather take feed five singles one strip of memories splashed with supernova pictures where want his hands around throat heart unlike now when standing cross-hairs saab's headlights sees sling animals surely watching. 83166 but straighten yourself a little hannah now is the time to correct some things mistakes so that they don t continue cause problems. like you weren one who stole white sunglasses from library. and usufruct means have right enjoy your property not beat dog. sorry. i know how it get sick of him barking all night do frankly. just try getting down on knees saying his face. say re my m sorry are. see makes feel honestly deep inside. then admit made neighbor boy eat mud once. told was chocolate ice cream he poor hungry believed you. anyway. about thing for older men wash hair way too often. two or three times day. really necessary think children deserts rolling in dust. dry skin gazelle. last least let s this straight. didn crash into windmill ran bumper car half-the-worse-for-wear isn tilting vision is. 83167 re but straighten yourself a little michael mv hi hannah upon 1st read thru not drive-by now is the time to correct some things mistakes so that they don t continue cause problems. needed jump starting this vehicle like you weren one who stole white sunglasses from library. and usufruct means have right enjoy your property good night 83168 re saab story amy bowen the title set me up for poem perfectly--just right mix of rueful detachment from proceedings. i wanted a line break after everything stops possibly bring this bit to 2 leaving revelation fight as focus 3 hope you don't mind my meddlings below. it's faster that way and i've lot do tonight. all in was delight. it captures strange out-of-placeness on road causes. cheers her hand snakes yanks keys ignition. even their fight. he wants leave ditch but him-- good samaritan dialing tow. she doesn't know not really photohut he'd rather take feed five singles one strip memories splashed with supernova pictures where want his hands around throat unlike now. standing frozen headlights sees fling animals surely watching. 83169 a violin case gives fair warning amy my curves are pleasing though subtler than within where i am shaped to receive the volute scroll lined with red velvet for its cohesion blood and matters of heart calm bridge strings wear handle gravity all appearances friend music tuning two measures away but have been opened emptied bow plucked out too fitted bodice make room cold steel seven men it's valentine's day again. 83170 re sidewalk passage metz somehow this reminds me of beatles lyrics somewhere between their sgt pepper and white album phase minus the syntax. dunno if that's good or bad. which depends largely on taste lennon mccartney was doing writing. to it's mccartneyesque. kind a boppy observation about foibles acid. i think begs for some more meter would provide reader underlying lyrical comfort zone over lay jarring elements diction. -- p.s. wasn't o'hara drummer before pete best today rain didn't come umbrellas were happy but then it did you said snow still knew wrong people kept walking with hope dry ness sky prospect sun improved sudden chance raincoats thrown 83171 re but straighten yourself a little amy hannah i like this even though it reminds me of something did once as kid that i'm really not proud of... maybe because dunno. think mv is onto about where to start the poem. also right takes away some resolution narrator and phrasing last line your vision awkward for me. reads odd subject one tilting... there flip-flopping blame things happen from suject other things. was you 's fault neighbor boy windmill's hit their car . by end unprepared be tilting. am just ideas thanks now time correct mistakes so they don t continue cause problems. weren who stole white sunglasses library. usufruct means have enjoy property beat dog. sorry. know how get sick him barking all night do frankly. try getting down on knees saying his face. say my m sorry are. see makes feel honestly deep inside. then admit made eat mud once. told chocolate ice cream he poor hungry believed you. anyway. thing older men wash hair way too often. two or three times day. necessary children deserts rolling in dust. dry skin gazelle. least let s straight. didn crash into windmill ran bumper half-the-worse-for-wear isn tilting is. 83172 re saab story metz engaging situation presentation. like the beginning and end. comments below. -- her hand snakes yanks keys from ignition. everything stops even their fight. he wants to leave in ditch but a him--good samaritan already dialing for tow. wouldn't touch first strophe appreciate how sneaky meterishness presents itself when read aloud. she doesn't know that it's not really photohut he'd rather take feed five singles one single strip of memories splashed with supernova pictures where want his hands around throat heart unlike now this is all wordy clumsy standing cross-hairs saab's headlights sees sling animals surely watching. end back good writing. maybe more effective would be watching surely. 83173 re but straighten yourself a little metz i was listening to some show on npr for five minutes about acting and the question under discussion what constituted great guest pointed out how brits tend like see taking place -- more theatre wheels turn gears grind be conscious of process before them in u.s. these days it's all adopting role being seamless trying make audience think actor is character. that say this evidence you can not only poetry equivalent hyperconscious brit also organic american voice as skin. very impressive. won't go into underlying metaphor or allusions here. --metz now time correct things mistakes so they don t continue cause problems. weren one who stole white sunglasses from library. usufruct means have right enjoy your property beat dog. sorry. know it get sick him barking night do frankly. just try getting down knees saying his face. my m sorry are. makes feel honestly deep inside. then admit made neighbor boy eat mud once. told chocolate ice cream he poor hungry believed you. anyway. thing older men wash hair way too often. two three times day. really necessary children deserts rolling dust. dry skin gazelle. last least let s straight. didn crash windmill ran bumper car half-the-worse-for-wear isn tilting vision is. 83174 re after the film metz altitudinous tutsi -- cheadle and george director were in original version but left on cutting room floor. this was meant to be mcinerney sp kinda second person which is really first not accusatory person. damn right i won't go for souls. soul part of my vocabulary. nothing write easy me. some people got that gift. don't. explaining husband beyond his mastery fact intended irk. so thanks your irkage. reading. machete'd who 2 flick instead maybe know you i'd tag a line at end--yes ending because now it feels too safe pat. something about proceeding discuss length cheadle's chances winning oscar. usually like person--hell there time when wrote poems--and understand choice its use here---it does serve very effectively point finger reader. it's saying. donated 5 bucks tsunami fund have already forgotten disaster since fallen off cnn's daily rotation. almost sorta wish do job i'll shut up. wanted souls --one million people. that. still never hurts say what if even all good laugh. grin an poem going begin crit by saying how refreshing read expressed itself outside typical expected wise-ass colloquial elbowing diction-specific hyphenated voice....but same time....i miss it. want both ways. reaosn asked doesn't feel as crafted stuff isn't don't think didn't put alot work. needs counterpoint although can't quite out be. oh hey reluctant feminist me less than happy with event wife. honestly irked laurel 83175 re after the film metz hey sherrysaye. been a long time. hope you stick around and post something ... under cover of newbie-ism. thanks for reading. yeah i've had other dissatisfaction about attendant especially so thanks. thinking lengthily -- hello thought i'd try different board. feeling like newbie. your poetry is always refreshing to read seemingly light yet packed with sentence structure supporting lengthy thought. grin i liked it. it seemed little rough in last stanza--the shake-of-head part. yes we really do need get up speed on this africa thing. perhaps somehow reference refer title main character s. 83176 thanks metz to all you whose responses got gobbled by the board. appreciate your taking time read and insights. -- after film take pains explain wife in detail far surpassing mastery of fact exactly why those nasty hutus slaughtered tutsis making sure place sufficient blame on belgian colonialism pointing out how faction slaughterees ended up winning war due superior military organi- zation discipline not mention french weapons. with no small amount pride that followed situation pretty darned close at times though many specifics had since escaped it was so long ago are thankful director for refreshing memory indignation. when she asks who is charge now things going suggest nick nolte might have over-acted. agrees a million lot people even africa can t help but observe machetes more powerful than tsunamis mental note save quip attendant shake-of-head tomorrow s party. climbing into volvo both pledge get speed this whole sudan thing. 83177 re but straighten yourself a little annmarie eldon i like this very much and it reminded me of something did to dog once as child which made ashamed - dripped cold water on him from an old perfume bottle stupid he didn't even notice had sad expression proabably because wasn't stroking so on. guilt is many parts projection illusion absence love. think you got about right except yes agree jump the real start. could now time correct some things mistakes that they don t continue cause problems. l ike weren one who stole white sunglasses library. usufruct means have enjoy your property not beat dog. sorry. know how get sick barking all night do frankly. just try getting down knees saying his face. say my m sorry are. see makes feel honestly deep inside. then admit neighbor boy eat mud once. told was chocolate ice cream poor hungry believed you. anyway. thing for older men wash hair way too often. two or three times day. really necessary children deserts rolling in dust. dry skin gazelle. last least let s straight. didn crash into windmill ran bumper car half-the-worse-for-wear isn tilting vision is. shrove tuesday best 83178 re saab story annmarie eldon the only suggestions i have is for line breaks her hand snakes and yanks keys from ignition. everything stops even their fight. he wants to leave in ditch but a him--good samaritan already dialing tow. she doesn't know that it's not really photohut he'd rather take feed five singles one strip of memories splashed with supernova pictures where want his hands around throat heart unlike now when standing cross-hairs saab's headlights sees sling animals surely watching . surely. shrove tuesday best 83179 re rue annmarie eldon i love rue. it has such a strong aroma. have in my garden. rubbed on joints helps aid arthritis. anyway... you set up good start that must then drop some of those s and add few more brackets measure sparsity between lines --rosanna licari call me pearl diver. your silence plunges under. giant oyster. pries open. m not boasting can hold breath or hand forever. enraptured by lack warmth sound actual world otherwise so reliable solid. fixated upon how becomes suddenly distant as dream half-remembered dissipating each minute progresses toward wakefulness. one-ton stone. sinks to the bottom. surface dappled horse gallops over. too high for reach. last night listened with interest heart irregular rhythm first time century. sky flailed comet flaunted its tail look at but was wearied care tired see. letter scant words scattered page seed fallow field remained sealed. single witness this scene woman alone bed an emptied shell pitiable pitying . shrove tuesday best 83180 re a violin case gives fair warning fred longworth my curves are pleasing though subtler than within where i am shaped to receive the volute scroll lined with red velvet for its cohesion blood and matters of heart calm bridge strings wear handle gravity all appearances friend music tuning two measures away but have been opened emptied bow plucked out too fitted bodice make room cold steel seven men it's valentine's day again. utterly captivating until final lines first lost in clever vague image then disappointed by nod day. 83181 re but straighten yourself a little fred longworth extremely well written. riveting from start to finish. toward the end you may not need let's get this straight as last least carries tone. now is time correct some things mistakes so that they don t continue cause problems. like weren one who stole white sunglasses library. and usufruct means have right enjoy your property beat dog. sorry. i know how it sick of him barking all night do frankly. just try getting down on knees saying his face. say my m sorry are. see makes feel honestly deep inside. then admit made neighbor boy eat mud once. told was chocolate ice cream he poor hungry believed you. anyway. about thing for older men wash hair way too often. two or three times day. really necessary think children deserts rolling in dust. dry skin gazelle. let s straight. didn crash into windmill ran bumper car half-the-worse-for-wear isn tilting vision is. 83182 re but straighten yourself a little laurel hmmmm. i made few small adjustments. see what you think now is the time to correct some things mistakes so that they don t continue cause problems. like weren one who lifted white sunglasses from library. and usufruct means have right enjoy your property not kick dog. sorry. know how it get sick of him barking all night do. frankly. just try getting down on knees saying his face my property. makes feel honestly deep. then admit neighbor boy eat mud once. told was chocolate ice cream. he believed poor hungry. anyway. sorry thing for older men wash hair way too often. two or three times day. really called desert children rolling in dust. gazelle's dry skin. last least let s this straight. didn drive into windmill drove you. bumper car half-worse-for-wear isn tilting vision is. dog tied out back won't shut up. tilting. works much methinks. tried subbing tilted doesn't work either although almost more than yeah. vision. mean you're isn't tilting....but wouldn't be any way---but maybe i'm being picky eh super crazy about ran either--that running speaker mean. seems an oh dunno weak easy diction choice. felt as though you'd established very steady cadence rhythm---if it's metered sure heck didn't scan grin --in first stanzas fall apart bit second stanza. don't if messing around fixes not. nor do loss rhythm intentional. reminded dobyn's essay which discusses at length cemetery nights poem---and fascinating when got specifics why he'd chosen different feet lines. personally play with poem line speed consciously--do gave me moment's pause big fat oh. smile wondering changes title thus poem's thrust switching up . straighen up...a little. hmmmmm. rarely fool poems hannah forgive here. find mess usually rid prepositional phrases seem rather fond. nix them wonder damn her soooo crafted. every damned preposition intentional necessary. love poem---i tend head over heels floor gush inundate reader images--but hell lot. i've ever flat disliked anything yours. c'mon write total piece crap. gimme something dislike. please keep mind read crit written before 8am--and morning rem song goes time. may come later day um awake completely reaction. carried conversations folks noon absolutely no memory of. always pleasure rare treat opportunity here board chance respond. hey...i did recently someone else's poem--metz's maybe. tagged additional end wrote beyond ending. guess there are reaches natural expected place conclusion---and resistant point. line. probably changed much. free me. hey regarding speed...i am conscious writing consciously manipulate control punctuation stanza breaks. trying say above never fooled meter feet. yap yap. already laurel. geez. 83183 re a violin case gives fair warning laurel maybe change the article in title here's an edit for your consideration. you know drill---by all means ditch it if it's unhelpful intrusive or yikes both grin curves pleasing though subtler than within where shaped to receive volute scroll i am lined with velvet red its cohesion blood and matters of heart calming bridge strings wearing handle gravity appearances friend music tuning two measures away. emptied bow plucked too my fitted bodice makes room cold steel. valentine's day again. preponderance i's is only real nit poem. initially tried omit but realized poem needed one establish as speaker. always take me most interesting unexpected places poetry amy. thanks that. 83184 re a violin case gives fair warning amy fred thanks for responding. i think you are onto something about the inspiration poem awkwardly placed in those last two lines . little distance and should be able to help them relax. cheers utterly captivating until final where am first lost clever but vague image then disappointed by nod valentine's day. 83185 re a violin case gives fair warning amy laurel thanks for the response. about title i think it's interesting that you commented on it because love when all those annoying caps aren't standing chairs blocking otoher letters' views. whole poem was left how write them at first no puncts. reading way but seem to be alone in so deleted and reposted with caps. didn't turn out affect very much okay my lovely replaced by self-important thing above. reason instead of is wanted emphasize there are many such cases. again response maybe change article here's an edit your consideration. know drill---by means ditch if unhelpful intrusive or yikes both grin curves pleasing though subtler than within where shaped receive volute scroll am lined velvet red its cohesion blood matters heart calming bridge strings wearing handle gravity appearances friend music tuning two measures away. emptied bow plucked too fitted bodice makes room cold steel. valentine's day again. preponderance i's only real nit poem. initially tried omit realized needed one establish as speaker. always take me most unexpected places poetry amy. that. 83186 lecture on enabling... edit 1 ryan enabling our quick response to current disaster this sudden chance breathe underwater a wave of relief corpse looks an anvil bricks and clay or something more sturdy are van gogh- d across canvas sadly away mental health team can supply innocent mud angel has never dreamt the word s mother i imagine that child my might be raped fetching firewood what about dysentery some notes arrive in inbox time ask stop senseless violence importance seperating self into thing limp as spaghetti 83187 re sidewalk passage ryan interesting read of this i never heard hara as a drummer if your serious anyway - thanks for reading commenting 83188 re but straighten yourself a little bowen hannah nice guilt-trip you having going on for me this morning. thanks lot lol you've gotten some very good advice particularly mv's about starting later in the poem. i don't know if all sorrys are metaphors something else they seem to stick out me. used them couple of times. can see argument voice using so it may just be want chime how much like this. work throughout. a. now is time correct things mistakes that don t continue cause problems. weren one who stole white sunglasses from library. and usufruct means have right enjoy your property not beat dog. sorry. get sick him barking night do frankly. try getting down knees saying his face. say my m sorry are. makes feel honestly deep inside. then admit made neighbor boy eat mud once. told was chocolate ice cream he poor hungry believed you. anyway. thing older men wash hair way too often. two or three times day. really necessary think children deserts rolling dust. dry skin gazelle. last least let s straight. didn crash into windmill ran bumper car half-the-worse-for-wear isn tilting vision is. 83189 re a violin case gives fair warning ryan my curves are pleasing though subtle r than within where i am shape d to receive s the volute scroll 'm lined with red velvet for its cohesion blood and matters of heart calm bridge string wear handle gravity all appearances m friend music tuning two measures away but have been opened emptied bow plucked out too fitted bodice make room cold steel seven men it's valentine's day again . receives i'm 83190 re a violin case gives fair warning yoly amy- very pleasing. i like what ryan did to it. punchier. peace my curves are pleasing though subtler than within where am shaped receive the volute scroll lined with red velvet for its cohesion blood and matters of heart calm bridge strings wear handle gravity all appearances friend music tuning two measures away but have been opened emptied bow plucked out too fitted bodice make room cold steel seven men it's valentine's day again. 83191 re saab story yoly ash- through you snatched a moment clearly and showed it happens like this. i saw. enjoyed. peace her hand snakes yanks the keys from ignition. everything stops even their fight. he wants to leave in ditch but him--good samaritan already dialing for tow. she doesn't know that it's not really photohut he'd rather take feed five singles one strip of memories splashed with supernova pictures where want his hands around throat heart unlike now when standing cross-hairs saab's headlights sees sling animals surely watching. 83192 in the schenectady of mind si mon my son is ultimate errand boy dashing to bedroom. can we play mario kart at 6 am how many chocolate covered doughnut holes are allowed do fleas fart where s rope mission being toss gi joe down storm drain. i hung with boys who had no brothers. pedaled our schwinns reservoir or downtown forbidden zone last tango paris was showing old vaudeville house. eyed locked cases shops without signs dreaming knives. now trudge slushy sidewalks butter waiting for ghost zip by propelled red metal wings laughing and pointing. 83193 re but straighten yourself a little hannah hey michael- i agree that there s balance to be struck between keeping enough of this slightly loopy narrating voice and yet not overdoing it. was def. one the things prompted me post so m pleased you could offer some assistance in area. ann-marie had similar suggestion will most likely abridge opening next revision. thanks for help -hnnh 83194 back from the edge gary b for aem i stepped to fine of madness and saw my face in turbulence below cracked as a dressing room mirror. considered believability wheels turning into next lane curves that do not bend ravines grounded at their bottom. but pulled away aware others have it far worse than imaginary travails temporary rain on an august road unimportant summer dust. 83195 re but straighten yourself a little hannah amy- i think you hit on something that was bothering me...i.e. why does the narrator suddenly allow sort of generosity in terms blame blaming windmill instead like that...dunno....i agree it gets unwieldy. lemme check out. thanks for very helpful comments. -hannah 83196 re in the schenectady of mind ryan do fleas fart hahahaha sorry not much a comment on poem - but whew that is most fantabulistic question i have heard while 83197 re back from the edge ryan i stepped to fine of madness and saw my face in turbulence below cracked as a dressing room mirror. ----------------------- possibly remove since implies is again reinforced with would also toss before it obvious whose mirror not mentioning when mad staring shows some did or itself. perhaps considered believability wheels turning into next lane curves that do bend ravines grounded at their bottom. ---------------------- once doesnt fit - stay consistant other two following thoughts turn but pulled away aware others have far worse than imaginary travails temporary rain on an august road unimportant summer dust. -------------------------- ah speaker should realize if causes pain well important comparing those opinion fruitless. roads 83198 re but straighten yourself a little hannah what the hell was that gratuitous compliments are you feeling ok 83199 re in the schenectady of mind laurel bada-bing yes. when you nail it damn zola. i'm not crazy about some your linebreaks but that's my lone complaint. so i won't inflict one cleaver jobs upon you. what was that a sigh relief grin title is killer diller. should be book. want begs me to pick book up. this does that. um.....get manucript together and get published dammit child family called lucy eponymous for peanuts character....apparently due tendency towards crabbiness bossiness----what bossy seriously jim. title. it's buy. ps have read anything by paul guest don't his whatever could find online god bless google liked i've found. reason ask if you've him because whenever work think voice vision poetry interested investigates similar yours. whenver well gee whiz guy getting certainly zola oughta too. there pep talk day. now out do 83200 re but straighten yourself a little hannah am- isn t that funny especially how these things only seem i suppose in the scheme of good and evil to be very minor infractions still somehow make such an intense impression on us times you suspect or understand sort eat-the-fruit moment something about cruelty indifference . convincing neighbor boy mud was ice cream worst thing wasn actual mud-eating else. watching hope desire vanish. powers persuasion they ought used. dunno. it taught me lesson m not sure can even articulate what exactly was. guilt guess here comes at right time year. would nietzsche say thanks for comments -hannah 83201 re but straighten yourself a little hannah fred- hmm. good point. i liked straight for its hitch back to the title think out of two one that works better as transition is last not least so ll probably be taking advice you kindly served up. thanks much your thoughts are always appreciated. -hannah 83202 re lecture on enabling... edit 1 laurel first most of the question marks are distracting as hell and give poem for me at least to much upspeak. i'd leave only one after dysentery scrap rest. next underwater is an adjective--so you might wanna separate that under from water mister. besides it'd be effective linebreak breaking breathe see consider using backslashes throughout a sudden chance wave relief corpse looks like anvil bricks clay or something sturdier van-goghed canvas sadly away this mental health team can supply more innoccent mud angel so on.... geez i playing with your poems. hope don't mind. grin 2 final suggestions before scream go smile maybe enclose capital s in self parenthetical elf. which would fact eh secondly finally what about spaghetti-limp instead limp spaghetti's cliche---and turning it around make fresher snappier fresh snappy poem. oh loved van goghed . 83203 wwns laurel you've seen those wwjd bracelets or read about them surely. what would jesus do my response he wouldn't walk around with one of stupid on his wrist. well i propose you create a new line frau hannah emblazoned nietzsche say course t-shirts and bumperstickers other sundries follow in due you'd become bloody millionaire no time flat. then while rolling your mattress money could snap that rubberband wrist wonder he'd have to that. smile incidentally might find this more germane oh but want it be germaner query where the good begins.-- poor power eye can longer see evil impulse as such because has too subtle man posits realm goodness feeling we now entered excites all impulses which had been threatened limited by like security comfort benevolence. hence duller extensive good. eternal cheerfulness common people children. gloominess grief - akin bad conscience great thinkers. from nietzsche's gay science s. 53 walter kaufmann transl 83204 down 645-- is poetry dead sbern note this not a poem-- just made to 'look' like poem. i left the hold'em table 645. my mind hadn't been on game worried about news report-- sunday's new york times said 'poetry dead. was and if what would be consequences of poetry's being become forums-- ones which depended upon alive web del sol -- all that time spent putting together best forum net poets who flocked site didn't flock but other sites any site-- dropped by from felt deep concern. surely must have affected play-- there nothing do get book go out pool sit under an umbrella order long island iced tea-- calm down. went found lifted finger tall bronzed cocktail girl taking orders while rolling around roller skates. huh can't ... it was. few feet away sat larry flynt at with three dropdead gorgeous topless girls wondered right then those fun-lovers cared or alive-- were certainly so thought why acknowledge man walk over say hello mr. flynt. clear me when saw full smiles proposition stating dead' should worry then. afternoon ladies. twenty minutes later wedged between named alice another called 'pea.' pea lacey lounged mulatto princess blendina. directly across. larry's hunting for videotape. yeah one shows first daughter barbara bush in nude. knew remain good standing fivesome had show interest possibility existed videotape wasn't interested seeing it. see seen before nude before. naked parties yale. really said. nodded her head. pulled roll hundred dollar bills began shuffling them off into hands four girls. won 450 00 playing blackjack last night-- bern you need money hestitated we'll am 645 table. we shook back inside casino. may dead-- god bless him isn't. that's sure. wanted govenor california. 83205 lucky violin sbern delighted sb 83206 re but straighten yourself a little sbern instances-- illustrations examples case studies definitions --etc. the problem as i see it-- quantity. how much is sufficient condition--that which in its presence an event occurs or thing exists. what to effect 'straightening ' delighted 83207 re lecture on enabling... edit 1 ryan thanks for your effort - i def. love some of suggestions 83208 re down 645-- is poetry dead yoly note this isn't a compliment just made to look like one. swell writer that you are must know clickity clicked all the way through. no justice poetic ruin. not poem-- 'look' poem. i left hold'em table 645. my mind hadn't been on game worried about news report-- sunday's new york times said 'poetry dead. was and if what would be consequences of poetry's being become forums-- ones which depended upon alive web del sol -- time spent putting together best forum net poets who flocked site didn't flock but other sites any site-- dropped by from felt deep concern. surely have affected play-- there nothing do get book go out pool sit under an umbrella order long island iced tea-- calm down. went found lifted finger tall bronzed cocktail girl taking orders while rolling around roller skates. huh can't ... it was. few feet away sat larry flynt at with three dropdead gorgeous topless girls wondered right then those fun-lovers cared or alive-- were certainly so thought why acknowledge man walk over say hello mr. flynt. clear me when saw full smiles proposition stating dead' should worry then. afternoon ladies. twenty minutes later wedged between named alice another called 'pea.' pea lacey lounged mulatto princess blendina. directly across. larry's hunting for videotape. yeah one shows first daughter barbara bush in nude. knew remain good standing fivesome had show interest possibility existed videotape wasn't interested seeing it. see seen before nude before. naked parties yale. really said. nodded her head. pulled roll hundred dollar bills began shuffling them off into hands four girls. won 450 00 playing blackjack last night-- bern need money hestitated we'll am 645 table. we shook back inside casino. may dead-- god bless him isn't. that's sure. wanted govenor california. sbern 83209 re but straighten yourself a little hannah laurel- thanks for most generous and helpful crit. i especially like some of the contracting that you did in middle stanza. it s funny. posting this knew exactly what felt was wrong wasn t sure how to fix phrasing at close particularly verb choices want know many times changed before settled on ran no. no don t. tone shift. balance between slightly unnecessary adages narrative voice more story-centered sections poem quixote references four or so different threads mistakes. cool is people were those exact same places. there may be disadvantages having group readers are familiar with one another can help think enormous advantages as well. particular being able apply criticism way not only improves approaches writing general. will definitely look rhythm issues mentioned -hannah 83210 re but straighten yourself a little hannah a- what can i say about the guilt thing thanks for comments--most helpful. will see do reducing some of narrative directorial filler. don't really have word it...but you know whatever. agree it's over-the-top. gleep. ok. off to my crits. nice pun-title on your latest by way. won't more just in case manage write and actually post critique change. -hannah 83211 re lecture on enabling... edit 1 yoly ryan- i believe responded to this before it was shaken off the page. title is a great clue otherwise would be abstractingly lost me. effective work tied title. peace enabling our quick response current disaster sudden chance breathe underwater wave of relief corpse looks an anvil bricks and clay or something more sturdy are van gogh- d across canvas sadly away mental health team can supply innocent mud angel has never dreamt word s mother imagine that child my might raped fetching firewood what about dysentery some notes arrive in inbox time ask stop senseless violence importance seperating self into thing limp as spaghetti 83212 re down 645-- is poetry dead hannah if i could have howled out loud over this would have. but funny how the folks here might take that as a sign of me doing something besides working...um....which well....yeah. may not be in time to founding member an sbern fan-club aspire some official cabinet position. treasurer librarian there's girl named pea backrow who claims own glass you were drinking when wrote this. later we'll all gather about and ooh aah. thanks -hannah 83213 to add michael mv good suggested edits but do keep the my curves are pleasing 83214 re in the schenectady of mind sbern hooray ... attention must be given when a poet uses proper name for quality ex- posed poetic exposition. here poet's sustained antonomasia such delightful trope awakens my sense what poetry can do-- it does. en---lighted 83215 reporting rust yoly he drips sparingly a leaky faucet over porcelain divides their light quiet as unfinished life though ubiquitous thinks she will not perceive his exit. but knows immature ghosts leave smoke rings in wake. 83216 re lecture on enabling... edit 1 ryan i actually love all of them thanks-a-million-teen 83217 terra rubra -- revised ctg christopher t george a flaming eye meteor's breath picasso dislocation day made pornographic by shards of glass cartilage bone tissue skin metal obscenely sculpted mobile phone lies silent shred silk child's cry no parental smile can mask the pain nil per os iv drip survivors' lists candles flicker hope cauterized t. 83218 re lecture on enabling... edit 1 ryan thanks ms. y for reading yet again 83219 re reporting rust ryan ever see the movie memento i happen to love your poem in reverse try it on. --------- leave smoke rings their wake. but she knows immature ghosts thinks will not perceive his exit. quiet as unfinished life though ubiquitous over porcelain divides light he drips sparingly a leaky faucet 83220 re reporting rust christopher t george he drips sparingly a leaky faucet over porcelain divides their light quiet as unfinished life though ubiquitous thinks she will not perceive his exit. but knows immature ghosts leave smoke rings in wake. hi yoly this comes across cleanly written and satisfying poem about relationship. very nicely done. chris 83222 re reporting rust sbern he drips sparingly a leaky faucet nice apposition. here the writer shows her mastery by avoiding 'lame' word 'like.' colon looks to me 'odd' in poetry. how about dash like harms whatever value lies 'fourth rank of metaphor similie.' over porcelain divides their light 'their' usually needs reference. quiet as unfinished life this equation makes pause-- though ubiquitous when i read poem look for rhetorical schemes and tropes. above 'quiet ubiquitous' seems fine example rhe- torical scheme 'antithesis 'given more rowdy definition scurried person's be- ing everywhere at same time. she was shy yet popular. great athlete but couldn't make his high school basketball team. thinks will not perceive exit. perception aways requires an object-- you have one. knows immature ghosts leave smoke rings wake. 'rings wake' ... might be mixed metaphor. sure. delighted 83223 skipping stones bj i think of my sons too long estranged. kaplunk not flat enough. wrong trajectory. the wingless bird plunges into muddy sub-conscious depths sinks deeper and sits in black sludge an impregnable seed surrounded by water a drop suffices. fling smooth wedge shale. index finger curls around its contours. sharp edges imprint crenellations skin broken lines footprints skirt field palm. centuries ago alone beset human sorrows another father roamed this lake examined for weight shape arrow hurled rejects unexpected phenomenon. he flung another. all day scoured shore stone that would fly again. 83224 re skipping stones christopher t george i think of my sons too long estranged. kaplunk not flat enough. wrong trajectory. the wingless bird plunges into muddy sub-conscious depths sinks deeper and sits in black sludge an impregnable seed surrounded by water a drop suffices. fling smooth wedge shale. index finger curls around its contours. sharp edges imprint crenellations skin broken lines footprints skirt field palm. centuries ago alone beset human sorrows another father roamed this lake examined for weight shape arrow hurled rejects unexpected phenomenon. he flung another. all day scoured shore stone that would fly again. hi bj nice evocative piece with depth. most reads well engagingly. however perhaps phenomenon could be better expressed. does who speaks at beginning poem need to some more about estranged or should thought merely dangle as it right now followed up satisfactorily presented but might even if you added idea from his son. bet come stronger did. good luck billy finalizing fine poem. best chris 83225 re reporting rust yoly ryan- i didn't see it but my brother gave me the scoop when first came out. love what you did. has a twist to it. it's why come joints like this fresh perspective receive. thanks bunch. peace ever movie memento happen your poem in reverse try on. --------- leave smoke rings their wake. she knows immature ghosts thinks will not perceive his exit. quiet as unfinished life though ubiquitous over porcelain divides light he drips sparingly leaky faucet 83226 re reporting rust yoly chris- thank you muchly peace hi this comes across as a cleanly written and satisfying poem about relationship. very nicely done. chris 83227 re reporting rust yoly sbern- i am the one who is delighted. thank you. peace he drips sparingly a leaky faucet nice apposition. here writer shows her mastery by avoiding 'lame' word 'like.' colon looks to me 'odd' in poetry. how about dash like harms whatever value lies 'fourth rank of metaphor similie.' 'their' usually needs reference. this equation makes pause-- quiet though ubiquitous when read poem look for rhetorical schemes and tropes. above 'quiet ubiquitous' seems fine example rhe- torical scheme 'antithesis 'given more rowdy definition scurried person's be- ing everywhere at same time. she was shy yet popular. great athlete but couldn't make his high school basketball team. perception aways requires an object-- you have one. knows 'rings wake' ... might be mixed metaphor. not sure. delighted sbern 83228 re skipping stones si mon very strong poem -- a few suggestions. i would cut the again at end. and also might sub-conscious depths impregnable for me these are sonics that bother poem's flow. meaning is not missed think of my sons too long estranged. kaplunk flat enough. wrong trajectory. wingless bird plunges into muddy sinks deeper sits in black sludge an seed surrounded by water drop suffices. fling smooth wedge shale. index finger curls around its contours. sharp edges imprint crenellations skin broken lines footprints skirt field palm. centuries ago alone beset human sorrows another father roamed this lake examined weight shape arrow hurled rejects unexpected phenomenon. he flung another. all day scoured shore stone fly again. 83230 limbo laurel imagistic this fog will not lift. if i say it refuses resists you'll insist mist does possess free will. but is literal do see now grey and meowing outside my window or cloud exist only on the inside fig. a for illustration of poet tapping heart head. b asking live world has lost its edge. every thing so indistinct in thickening rhymes with quickening we dare go there that tree could be grieving man vice versa. never saw you cry even when dog died. neither here nor here. weather condition merely image heaven descended hell ascended seventh day second month year. entry under l encyclopedia. personified digs tiny heels leave. imagine how infinitesimal those prints small soles inked pressed to page. what term applies human beings merge nature skin scaled legs tailed mermaid. flesh feathered voice wailed siren. body became vapor am woman viscous cannot see. no sun bright enough burn off. hush hear baby crying. fetus an angel wings. 83231 re limbo ryan to the page. what term applies when human beings merge with nature if my skin scaled and legs tailed mermaid. flesh feathered voice wailed siren. but body became vapor --------------- this strophe is great as always lovely write only nit was first felt a bit too bouncy for lack of good word me. overall i enjoyed much. thanks sharing 83232 re down 645-- is poetry dead si mon damn -- i thought he was the gov. and howe scores on rebound wow...i spend my days looking for socks that match cutting crust off bunny bread. you are a lucky soul sole yale enjoyed nonetheless note this not poem-- just made to 'look' like poem. left hold'em table 645. mind hadn't been game worried about news report-- sunday's new york times said 'poetry dead. if what would be consequences of poetry's being become forums-- ones which depended upon alive web del sol all time spent putting together best forum net poets who flocked site didn't flock but other sites any site-- dropped by from felt deep concern. surely must have affected play-- there nothing do get book go out pool sit under an umbrella order long island iced tea-- calm down. went found lifted finger tall bronzed cocktail girl taking orders while rolling around roller skates. huh can't ... it was. few feet away sat larry flynt at with three dropdead gorgeous topless girls wondered right then those fun-lovers cared or alive-- were certainly so why acknowledge man walk over say hello mr. flynt. clear me when saw full smiles proposition stating dead' should worry then. afternoon ladies. twenty minutes later wedged between named alice another called 'pea.' pea lacey lounged mulatto princess blendina. directly across. larry's hunting videotape. yeah one shows first daughter barbara bush in nude. knew remain good standing fivesome had show interest possibility existed videotape wasn't interested seeing it. see seen before nude before. naked parties yale. really said. nodded her head. pulled roll hundred dollar bills began shuffling them into hands four girls. won 450 00 playing blackjack last night-- bern need money hestitated we'll am 645 table. we shook back inside casino. may dead-- god bless him isn't. that's sure. wanted govenor california. sbern 83233 re limbo annmarie eldon i know this is very complex so i'm going to come back it. imagistic fog will not lift. if say it refuses resists you'll insist mist does possess free will. but literal do see now grey and meowing outside my window or cloud exist only on the inside fig. a for illustration of poet tapping heart head. b asking live world has lost its edge. every thing indistinct in thickening rhymes with quickening we dare go there that tree could be grieving man vice versa. never saw you cry even when dog died. neither here nor here. weather condition merely image heaven descended hell ascended seventh day second month year. entry under l encyclopedia. personified digs tiny heels leave. imagine how infinitesimal those prints small soles inked pressed page. what term applies human beings merge nature skin scaled legs tailed mermaid. flesh feathered voice wailed siren. body became vapor am woman viscous cannot see. no sun bright enough burn off. hush hear baby crying. fetus an angel wings. 83234 re limbo michael mv good title. insist mist - too must internal ist like reading rhetoric yet it's poetry appealed to me. by virtue of voice. yeah i that morph stanza too. there is no sun bright enough something brighter for this phrasing 83235 re saab story bowen amy thanks for the read and suggestions. printed out framed future reference. best title set me up poem perfectly--just right mix of rueful detachment from proceedings. i wanted a line break after everything stops possibly bring this bit to 2 leaving revelation fight as focus 3 hope you don't mind my meddlings below. it's faster that way i've lot do tonight. all in was delight. it captures strange out-of-placeness on road causes. cheers her hand snakes yanks keys ignition. even their fight. he wants leave ditch but him-- good samaritan dialing tow. she doesn't know not really photohut he'd rather take feed five singles one strip memories splashed with supernova pictures where want his hands around throat unlike now. standing frozen headlights sees fling animals surely watching. 83236 re saab story bowen metz i will work on the saggy middle. thanks for read and comments. best engaging situation presentation. like beginning end. comments below. -- wouldn't touch first strophe appreciate how sneaky meterishness presents itself when aloud. strip of memories splashed with supernova where he doesn't want his hands this is all wordy clumsy end back to good writing. maybe more effective would be watching surely. 83237 re saab story bowen annmarie thanks for the read and suggestions on line-breaks. much appreciated. best 83238 re saab story bowen yoly thank you. i appreciate as always your read and comments. peace to you 83239 re down 645-- is poetry dead sbern the question remains-- just as remains of day waits until end day. thanks sb note this isn't a compliment made to look like one. swell writer that you are must know clickity clicked all way through. no justice poetic ruin. yoly 83240 re down 645-- is poetry dead sbern a good 'howl-out-loud' sugars the tea and glosses emenda- tions of french pastry. thanks sb if i could have howled out loud over this would have. but funny how folks here might take that as sign me doing something besides working...um....which well....yeah. may not be in time to founding member an fan-club aspire some official cabinet position. treasurer librarian there's girl named pea backrow who claims own glass you were drinking when wrote this. later we'll all gather about ooh aah. -hannah 83241 re down 645-- is poetry dead sbern i am lucky-- thanks sb 83242 re limbo sbern the poem ends without preparation for ending-- usually when a poet writes endings he just doesn't 'end' in air-- yet this is about foggy air so doubt's benefit i'll give. deli sb writing 'deli ' short delighted leads me this-- if i knew where to get authenic jewish koshered corned-beef thin-slicked and heaped on heavy rye with dill plucked up out of barrel brine would leave house walk that singing glossalia-- preparatory eating tongues. imagistic fog will not lift. say it refuses resists you'll insist mist does possess free will. but literal do see now grey meowing outside my window or cloud exist only inside fig. illustration tapping heart head. b asking live world has lost its edge. every thing indistinct thickening rhymes quickening we dare go there tree could be grieving man vice versa. never saw you cry even dog died. neither here nor here. weather condition merely image heaven descended hell ascended seventh day second month year. entry under l encyclopedia. personified digs tiny heels leave. imagine how infinitesimal those prints small soles inked pressed page. what term applies human beings merge nature skin scaled legs tailed mermaid. flesh feathered voice wailed siren. body became vapor am woman viscous cannot see. no sun bright enough burn off. hush hear baby crying. fetus an angel wings. 83243 re sidewalk passage michael mv people kept walking with expect tation some dry ness 83245 no rats plague sachi in ones and twos hundreds thousands fall line. when i hear them come tear at petals plug my ears. we are won t dare. the blue curve of throat cuts deep into tamarack. black blood bile flows down bark like snow-toughened skin over a soft bruise. forget if weren even dream. sun wavers red leather bag whitewashed mall. kiss hot nipples ruin sing way around delicious traps getting back something that hasn spoken for while. 83246 don quixote in gaol david ayers apple blossoms pears. an orchid. some spice. spikenard. midrash. a pitcher of belladona. syringe. real needle. red paint. jar bleach. bucket. soap. hood ornament from olds cutlass calais. the first blue shavings. dry stele. hibiscus. invierno is spanish word for winter. hydrangea. deep purple. to be buried next penny. winter clay forgets. fingers dish cigarettes cigars. girl black trees. he sees hay hayloft hay. barnswallows lift and dive. dive feeding. it s not like any time that knows. 83247 re don quixote in gaol slosh no idea why david but this line jarred me- mostly the forgets part-- winter clay forgets. fingers im looking and wondering it bothers me maybe because jumps a beat i dont know drop is that typo title goal 83248 re no rats plague slosh the sun wavers like a red leather bag i need help with this image. have yet to see waver-- but seen flag waved - which is me. 83249 re but straighten yourself a little jack m hi hannah seems to me that this poem doesn't really get down business until and usufruct. mean the amputated four lines couldn't be sewn in elsewhere. nice poem. now is time correct some things mistakes so they don t continue cause problems. like you weren one who stole white sunglasses from library. usufruct means have right enjoy your property not beat dog. sorry. i know how it sick of him barking all night do frankly. just try getting on knees saying his face. say my sorry are. see makes feel honestly deep inside. then admit made neighbor boy eat mud once. told was chocolate ice cream he poor hungry believed you. anyway. about thing for older men wash hair way too often. two or three times day. necessary think children deserts rolling dust. dry skin gazelle. last least let s straight. didn crash into windmill ran bumper car half-the-worse-for-wear isn tilting vision is. 83250 re don quixote in gaol david ayers no idea why but this line jarred me- mostly the forgets part-- winter clay forgets. fingers im looking and wondering it bothers me maybe because jumps a beat i dont know drop hiya thanks. believe your right about that line. will fix. --d is typo title goal 83251 re limbo slosh why personify and write four lines that lead nowhere in fact asks me to imagine do the work poet was do- use mist you began with it has its own nature bit like this ascended on seventh day of second month year. fog digs tiny wisps will not leave differ infinitesimal design those small characters linked pressed our stage. what term applies when humans merge natures skin scaled legs tailed 83252 ezekiel saw the wheel si mon on third avenue when i parked my subaru by curb it shuttered and after a pause boomed. folks gathered porches of rented houses flinched occasionally hit floor. lived above all. below me baby cried constantly but only music lulled. lulled all summer spent time in libraries where ac introduced to rimbaud mister wright. nothing is vanity perhaps wholly into air. ave. howard cosell announced lennon s death. listened watching wheels ended arm stereo swung back rest roaches kept dancing. babies wailed. pointed up. 83253 re don quixote in gaol si mon stay with me now...i loved the poem and ignored title...it works you know...here are some slight suggestions -- cut second stanza this gives three perfect lines. might say between lift dive last line --it s not like any time that he knows. simply for sound of it i would change to it's other time. enjoyed...yes apple blossoms pears. an orchid. spice. spikenard. midrash. a pitcher belladona. syringe. real needle. red paint. jar bleach. bucket. soap. hood ornament from olds cutlass calais. first blue shavings. dry stele. hibiscus. invierno is spanish word winter. hydrangea. deep purple. be buried next penny. winter clay forgets. fingers dish cigarettes cigars. girl black trees. sees hay hayloft hay. barnswallows dive. feeding. 83254 re in the schenectady of mind si mon i'm afraid around kids too much...glad you enjoyed this part -- s. do fleas fart hahahaha sorry not much a comment on poem - but whew that is most fantabulistic question i have heard while 83255 re in the schenectady of mind si mon paul guest...i think i ordered his book from amazon with my massive after xmas splurge...but was cheap and placed order offer no shipping charges...which means they take forever to ship it...it has been over a month think...hopefully soon. glad you liked this one -- will get published as soon yours bada-bing yes. when nail it damn zola. i'm not crazy about some your linebreaks but that's lone complaint. so won't inflict cleaver jobs upon you. what that sigh relief grin title is killer diller. should be book. want begs me pick up. does that. um.....get manucript together dammit child family called lucy eponymous for peanuts character....apparently due tendency towards crabbiness bossiness----what bossy seriously jim. title. it's buy. laurel ps have read anything by guest don't whatever could find online god bless google i've found. reason ask if you've him because whenever work voice vision poetry interested investigates similar yours. whenver well gee whiz guy getting certainly zola oughta too. there pep talk day. now out do 83256 re in the schenectady of mind si mon thanks sbern i check my dictionary within reach whenever you enter reading space. luck be a lady tonight danka s. hooray ... attention must given when poet uses proper name for quality ex- posed poetic exposition. here poet's sustained antonomasia such delightful trope awakens sense what poetry can do-- it does. en---lighted 83257 re rue laurel hey wow. cool. thanks for the edit ryan. it's much appreciated. i'll keep your ideas in mind when i revise. always feel free to screw with my stuff. god knows everyone else's. grin hi - glad have opportunity hell out of this loved it just a suggestion s love here you go. 83258 re rue laurel noun 1. - european strong-scented perennial herb with gray-green bitter-tasting leaves an irritant similar to poison ivy i had no idea. how very cool. a plant called rue. so you can the day and chew your too eh thanks muchly annmarie. love it has such strong aroma. have in my garden. rubbed on joints helps aid arthritis. anyway... set up good start that must then drop some of those s add few more brackets shrove tuesday best annmarie 83259 re back from the edge gary b sometimes it works not sometimes... i am stuck on first line though. thanks. possibly remove of madness since implies and is again reinforced with cracked mirror. would also toss my before face obvious whose in mirror mentioning when mad staring a shows some did or itself. perhaps stepped to saw turbulence below as dressing room ---------------------- once doesnt fit - stay consistant other two following thoughts considered believability wheels that turn into next lane curves do bend ravines grounded at their bottom. -------------------------- ah speaker should realize if causes pain well important comparing those have worse opinion fruitless. but aware others than imaginary travails temporary rain august roads unimportant dust. 83260 re lecture on enabling... edit 1 gary b well written. i would go along with dropping the except what about d where might be dropped. this s a corpse looks an anvil confuses me. for thanks. enabling our quick response to current disaster sudden chance breathe underwater wave of relief bricks and clay or something more sturdy are van gogh- across canvas sadly away mental health team can supply innocent mud angel has never dreamt word mother imagine that child my raped fetching firewood dysentery some notes arrive in inbox time ask stop senseless violence importance seperating self into thing limp as spaghetti 83261 re don quixote in gaol gary b david a bit since i have read you. imo the first three s are too much list good but that goes no long. if you keep name spice. otherwise read. thanks. apple blossoms pears. an orchid. some spikenard. midrash. pitcher of belladona. syringe. real needle. red paint. jar bleach. bucket. soap. hood ornament from olds cutlass calais. blue shavings. dry stele. hibiscus. invierno is spanish word for winter. hydrangea. deep purple. to be buried next penny. winter clay forgets. fingers dish cigarettes cigars. girl black trees. he sees hay hayloft hay. barnswallows lift and dive. dive feeding. it not like any time knows. 83262 re limbo gary b great word play fun in every way. i do not know so let it go. thanks. imagistic this fog will lift. if say refuses resists you'll insist mist does possess free will. but is literal see now grey and meowing outside my window or cloud exist only on the inside fig. a for illustration of poet tapping heart head. asking live world has lost its edge. thing indistinct thickening rhymes with quickening we dare go there that tree could be grieving man vice versa. never saw you cry even when dog died. neither here nor here. weather condition merely image heaven descended hell ascended seventh day second month year. entry under l encyclopedia. personified digs tiny heels leave. imagine how infinitesimal those prints small soles inked pressed to page. what term applies human beings merge nature skin scaled legs tailed mermaid. flesh feathered voice wailed siren. body became vapor am woman viscous cannot see. no sun bright enough burn off. hush hear baby crying. fetus an angel wings. 83263 diner story 1 christopher a. who made an exit with out-of-date hand in older man and a nametag hello my name is yesterday. could be calling home already on the way did not bring phone. there no small black book. loose scribbled page. giving most trying best for truly going away. border town welcome mat that says this where i've come to disappear. receding hairline fracture. if it fades does heal knock door real stranger's stranger every different face has same appeal. brand new place even newer feel. daring escape. cardboard containers fancy gunplay. old friends fill boxes changed hearts haunt hallway. destruction feasting all-you-can-eat buffet. guts were all gone only walls remained. time stopped stared said what stunning display. but matter you destroy memories stay. 83264 re diner story 1 si mon effort appreciated...for this to work for me it needs be more taut. altho is titled as a reads like an internal monologue and therefore should telegraphic i think -- cut the cliches way read there tonal shift from first second part while does third parts drift into narrative. overall you need make interesting little alive with music just my opinions tho enjoyed who made exit out-of-date hand in older man nametag hello name yesterday. could calling home already on did not bring phone. no small black book. loose scribbled page. giving most trying best truly going away. border town welcome mat that says where i've come disappear. receding hairline fracture. if fades heal knock door real stranger's stranger every different face has same appeal. brand new place even newer feel. daring escape. cardboard containers fancy gunplay. old friends fill boxes changed hearts haunt hallway. destruction feasting all-you-can-eat buffet. guts were all gone only walls remained. time stopped stared said what stunning display. but matter destroy memories stay. 83265 re no rats plague christopher a. ok i haven't necessarily seen a red leather bag waver... but certainly now how it would seem to in certain whitewashed malls. like the image. idea of title not its wording. maybe see if you can do something else with it... first two stanzas end actually referring and though was waiting for expecting third stanza just same liked ending. much poem interesting because wording such... i'm sure that obscure tree reference at beginning second did any good wanted have specific reason don't see. one thing suggest changing about actual is three lines. they really are as or grabbing rest frankly sort ignored them moved on rest. never give suggestions say toy around different overall enjoyed this style. chris 83266 re diner story 1 christopher a. overall i think you need to make this more interesting a little alive with music ah yes does need. feel like i've written many things which be music. often write them inspired by and alone as words on page they are never the same saw or wanted be. thanks for comment. 83267 the noise it makes leaves si mon starts in lot of super k between a green caravan and dirty white jeep. spilled cup spankee s coffee darkens asphalt. lid cartwheels ending its journey stuck weeds by edge wendover ave with flyers for missing dogs kids candy wrappers so faded brand is white. eventually yellows then browns. mix rye grass thistle crown vetch don t seem to mind. when their growth bother vision drivers young guy several teeth gray cat cap comes cut them as quickly he can. has things do. time after all money. finished stops at quickshop smokes. walks out thinks about mowed that morning early before heat became intolerable how clung damp blades other blade whacked hard making no one could hear above manic thrum everblooming traffic. 83268 re rue annmarie eldon i see it sometimes planted in v old churchyards - centuries think is used to 'draw' out arthritis from the joints but probably they would have seen its bitterness as being able draw 'bile' of some sort. been no doubt enable people day on their trespasses etc. am noun 1. european strong-scented perennial herb with gray-green bitter-tasting leaves an irritant similar poison ivy 83269 jail annmarie eldon no he woulda bin in gaol not and don't fix that line if it jumps a beat then 83270 re don quixote in gaol david ayers hey thanks. appreciate the suggestions. glad you liked. --d 83271 re don quixote in gaol david ayers gary thanks. i had wondered if might be overdoing it with the items. perhaps could shortened. i'll have to look at again a few days. --d bit since read you. imo first three s are too much list good but that goes no long. you keep name spice. otherwise read. 83272 ayers michael mv i thought that one of the best lines it immediately jumped for me 1st time and when re-reading to see if might subject change wouldn't sit still 83273 re jail david ayers mm you may be right that whole transition has been giving me fits maybe i will just leave it this way --d no he woulda bin in gaol not and don't fix line if jumps a beat then 83274 re the noise it makes leaves sachi hey si mon i like this a lot..all ends neatly tied..not going much anywhere..yet conscious of where its going. you may reconsider first line.. ' spilled cup spankee s coffee darkens asphalt.' might be better start.. 'everblooming' traffic is worth rethink..maybe. very nice. starts in lot super k between green caravan and dirty white jeep. asphalt. lid cartwheels ending journey stuck weeds by edge wendover ave with flyers for missing dogs kids candy wrappers so faded brand white. eventually yellows then browns. mix rye grass thistle crown vetch don t seem to mind. when their growth bother vision drivers young guy several teeth gray cat cap comes cut them as quickly he can. has things do. time after all money. finished stops at quickshop smokes. walks out thinks about mowed that morning early before heat became intolerable how clung damp blades other blade whacked hard making no one could hear above manic thrum everblooming traffic. 83275 re diner story 1 sachi hi christopher something about the sounds...day way away in s1 and repeating sounds ---gunplay hallway display stay s3 has plusses minusses. it completes audatory circle a sense but because its not as precise consonant border disappear fracture stranger newer that you use s2---the pressure build up with fragmented monlogues is perhaps allowed to escape. i think more sounding rhymes will work better.. tone does indeed change s2 risk took paid for this reader at least.. nice read you. cheers who made an exit out-of-date hand older man nametag hello my name yesterday. could be calling home already on did bring phone. there no small black book. loose scribbled page. giving most trying best truly going away. town welcome mat says where i've come disappear. receding hairline fracture. if fades heal knock door real stranger's every different face same appeal. brand new place even feel. daring cardboard containers fancy gunplay. old friends fill boxes changed hearts haunt hallway. destruction feasting all-you-can-eat buffet. guts were all gone only walls remained. time stopped stared said what stunning display. matter destroy memories stay. 83276 re the noise it makes leaves yoly good start middle finish. nice-even narrative. enjoyed. peace starts in lot of super k between a green caravan and dirty white jeep. spilled cup spankee s coffee darkens asphalt. lid cartwheels ending its journey stuck weeds by edge wendover ave with flyers for missing dogs kids candy wrappers so faded brand is white. eventually yellows then browns. mix rye grass thistle crown vetch don t seem to mind. when their growth bother vision drivers young guy several teeth gray cat cap comes cut them as quickly he can. has things do. time after all money. finished stops at quickshop smokes. walks out thinks about mowed that morning early before heat became intolerable how clung damp blades other blade whacked hard making no one could hear above manic thrum everblooming traffic. 83277 re diner story 1 yoly chris- this is different from your usual work. i was intrigued by its wanting to go places without abbreviation. good with it. it handles well. peace who made an exit out-of-date hand in older man and a nametag hello my name yesterday. could be calling home already on the way did not bring phone. there no small black book. loose scribbled page. giving most trying best for truly going away. border town welcome mat that says where i've come disappear. receding hairline fracture. if fades does heal knock door real stranger's stranger every face has same appeal. brand new place even newer feel. daring escape. cardboard containers fancy gunplay. old friends fill boxes changed hearts haunt hallway. destruction feasting all-you-can-eat buffet. guts were all gone only walls remained. time stopped stared said what stunning display. but matter you destroy memories stay. 83278 fall break yoly rain has leveled. the ground is certifiably spongy but sky goya blue with tawny borders as if on gallery exhibit. light tires quicker everyday. rest of country will soon face cooler winds. it warm in peripheral world south temperature frizzy hot. you may recall. i am a self-interest billboard buzzing escape to paradise. caution lights my head are softening. want ask these sorts getting along see electrical wire tripping. right that clumped battles won your hands slipped them pockets vouchers dismiss reservations recall our tempest swallowing ink cultural margins standing stark and silent while nuts bolts wheeled how was striking when centered eyes prisms no mirror could contain. days m ghost human drag memory burns whiskey. 83279 how does that song go papa was a rodeo laurel for hannah and her memes he thin-faced ascetic living in state of high attenuated calm molten planet under transcontinental ice sheet. --jack london say love s lion. lumbers like the sun across sky on bored giant paws plodding toward horizon tortoise curved shell. you re my son. house cheating at cards singing with radio or should i now while stand outside knocking door. morning not time. only garden night harvesting cucumbers tomatoes dark. moonlight pretends to be private. catch whiff mint breath. means want kissed. find map big red x cross continent me here waiting silence. feel faint. read letter predicted your death. signed it . watch sleep. count rapid eye movements. never expected expect. hands will always trespassers must continually forgive. body field plough. shake head instead you're rain crows. we're magnets fridge. we'll dance except when we this. you'll more than. ll stop this made glass. hello dead dad. time rope calf. 83280 skipping stones rev bj i think of my estranged sons. kaplunk not flat enough. wrong trajectory. the wingless bird plunges into mud sinks deeper buried in black sludge impregnable seed surrounded by water. fling a smooth wedge shale. index finger curls to its contours. sharp edges imprint crenellations skin broken lines footprints skirt plain palm. centuries ago alone another father roamed this lake examined for weight and shape an arrow hurled rejects water scissors paper rock it bounced on he flung another. all day scoured shore stone that could fly. came here forty years with sons hurtled until one flew taught boys proper angle rhythm balance between strength intuition knowing they would fly as left fingers. 83281 re a violin case gives fair warning amy ryan interesting. stop something wrong with me. like words talk. just bit of fun no seriously thanks for the edit. some interesting stuff to consider within. somewhere between ours is nice read i think. especially appreciate punctuation comments. again my curves are pleasing though subtle r than within where am shape d receive s volute scroll 'm lined red velvet its cohesion blood and matters heart calm bridge string wear handle gravity all appearances m friend music tuning two measures away but have been opened emptied bow plucked out too fitted bodice make room cold steel seven men it's valentine's day . receives i'm 83282 re a violin case gives fair warning amy yoly interesting you should say punchier... i agree and am not sure punchy is what want here. gonna let it sit bit. had wanted in time for valentine's day but it's probably good to get so mushy. thanks reading amy- very pleasing. like ryan did it. punchier. peace 83283 re lucky violin amy sb even luckier tommy gun. cheers delighted 83284 thanks mv nm amy 83285 re how does that song go papa was a rodeo david ayers magnets on the fridge made me grin you will probably hear this again but i think repeat 'say' few too many times in this. could be more effective maybe if some of shorter expressions were combined. for instance say read letter predicted your death it signed love me. it's hard to argue with poem like overall --d 83286 re the noise it makes leaves david ayers lawnmower man. cool. i like everydayness and weird sorta manic sense this gives me. just had two minor nits. 1. think could go time after all is money. 2. was hoping there would be another 'how' at end of thing. or something equivalent. more descriptive visual-auditory concrete guess. seemed have been consistent. though because hate to mow. prep-work really. once you're out it's not too bad. --d 83287 re ayers david i thought that one of the best lines it immediately jumped for me 1st time and when re-reading to see if might subject change wouldn't sit still mv hey thanks i'm glad know --d 83288 re limbo muchos gracias amigos laurel for taking the time to read my poem and comment. i think tried just a little too hard on this one. haven't reread it since wrote it--i'm afraid might cringe grin --but know that when posted had awful with capital p feeling about it. if revise deconstruct whole thing. really all feedback is incredibly helpful very much appreciated. smooches of you 83289 re sidewalk passage ryan thanks i used the broken expectation in another write 83291 re l'heure francaise. a reposting. geoff this was the product of rejected fragment spliced with comment. course it might always turn out to be foolsgold on consideration is low tide when much responses resemble quips. who satisfied quips quippetes i found metz's response particular interest however. pointing riddle if food or love more central women's concerns not offer than repeat my metaphors. which provoking. now back sickbed. best odor garlic stunning bouquet cut flowers illuminated by single light something cumulative after reading hundreds and poems written women suddenly strikes me that notion staple ingredient addition wine fresh cream into anything made in french kitchen . leone 83292 a real needle laurel sir you must stop writing like this. i mean it. do want me to tear out all of my hair said somewhere in this thread that certain line was giving fits. your poetry is now seriously. still have and the whole poem head---heck body airplane smells so good. sigh. read other night before bed it did what good often does--caused remember memory i'd put aside. not forgotten exactly but while deeply cherished hadn't surfaced quite some time. thank for that. made write poem. too. that's can should do. during course reading allow forget however briefly you're alive simultaneously causing alive. if makes any sense at all. younger brother's wedding. humid july. wandering park with time long lost recently found older brother. under weeping willow couldn't tell difference between fireflies stars. would make super swell name book. thanks write. helping forget---and remember--that am indeed oh yeah. loved goes without saying. don quixote gaol apple blossoms pears. an orchid. spice. spikenard. midrash. pitcher belladona. syringe. needle. red paint. jar bleach. bucket. soap. hood ornament from olds cutlass calais. first blue shavings. dry stele. hibiscus. invierno spanish word winter. hydrangea. deep purple. be buried next penny. winter clay forgets. fingers dish cigarettes cigars. girl black trees. he sees hay hayloft hay. barnswallows lift dive. dive feeding. s knows. 83293 ezekiel saw the wheel revised si mon on third avenue when i park my subaru by curb it shutters then booms. folks gathered porches of rented houses flinch and sometimes hit floor. live above all. below a baby cries constantly music lulls. lull all summer spend time in libraries where ac whispers rimbaud mister wright. nothing is vanity perhaps wholly into air. ave. howard cosell announces lennon s death. listen to watching wheels ends arm stereo swings back rest roaches keep dancing. babies wail. points up. 83294 what will the child in me become gary b i ve started to read patrick o brian s aurbrey maturin novels. they are not as imagined would be capt. a flawed straight-forward hero and dr. pleasant surprise but bit of complicated cipher. books pleasure least because line below that inspired this verse. there some very curious plants beetles on downs. am with see dew-pond. stephen post-captain by he chase minnows up stream fill his pockets full tadpoles skip rocks between water lilies capture periwinkles tin young gentleman should know difference lichen rock moss drop everything glimpse colony cormorants sunning pilings collect butterflies pinned cork board. fear though may find sidewalks city streets more liking skirt-chaser much too addicted games regular baths bottles green liqueur until makes way gaol or bedlam. ever look into wake ship glides under eastern seas stand watch during channel fog steer orion belt sword northern ice southern calms conquered without wipe nose tend scraps bruises pay debts bail warn would-be brides can grow man if cannot sure 83295 re how does that song go papa was a rodeo ryan very interesting write - just offering my perspecitve perhaps i will get some time to leave actual comments... ----------------------------- presuppose lion's symbolic main is lumbersome when the sun skies across our boredom giant paws plod towards horizon tortoise s curved shell--say you son. say your in house cheating at cards... only garden night harvesting cucumbers dark. moonlight pretends. catch whiff of mint on breath. means am be kissed map's red x crosses continent--those are signs continue waiting silent feel faint read letter predicting death count rapid eye movements never expected hands trespassers continually forgive body field become plough--your shaking head disagrees so instead you're rain crow. magnets fridge we dance except this. always love me more than made glass. hello dead dad. rope calf. 83296 re how does that song go papa was a rodeo hannah laurel-o you know. i really like this your syntax is still very tightly coiled but there something looser in the center of more flexible and sort way imagination constantly reordering or noticing itself poem. agree with just few say s. trick will be think deciding which ones should go. made hack at it though love s lion. lumbers sun across sky on bored giant paws . plodding plods toward horizon tortoise curved shell. my son. house cheating cards singing radio now while stand outside knocking door. morning not time. only garden night harvesting cucumbers tomatoes dark. moonlight pretends to private. catch whiff mint breath. means want kissed. find map big red x cross continent me here waiting silence. feel faint. read letter predicted death. signed me. watch sleep. count rapid eye movements. never expected expect. hands always trespassers must continually forgive. body field plough. shake head instead you're rain crows. we're magnets fridge. we'll dance except when we this. you'll than. ll stop glass. hello dead dad. time rope calf. favorite piece m rather caught up idea drifting through forms. wait. lion love. altogether much enjoyed deals deeply human moment failures excesses desire same isn t afraid become unmoored wander away into language. has pretty exactly would describe what about poetry. -hannah p.s. good do know send if not. 83297 re fall break hannah yoly- there s something awfully fractured about this inconsistent it hard for me to get a read on what going or keep with maintain interest in one thread because of the way skips about. at same time are elements language here that i thrill especially sense energy and those little leaps outside box imagistic realism. kick out those. my basic complaints refocusing poem onto around narrator personal rhetoric makes first two strophes far too dispensable they great so shouldn t be lot struck don see why some threads particularly notion imposing transgressing borders peripherals couldn made more pertinent latter half poem. you sort back tempest swallowing ink cultural margins but deals element philosophical component .becomes is extraneous desire image production sensual detail. wish were better brought together by metaphor whatever. am statements seem pull away from another not towards. self-interest billboard buzzing escape paradise m ghost human drag while memory burns whiskey do cohere tone. most part though think your flexibility very nice here. only grammar syntax problem have right clumped battles won hands slipped them pockets as vouchers dismiss reservations which reasonable just seems clunky. work yoly. -hannah 83298 re the noise it makes leaves hannah hey. i like. think you can start not with narrative starts but action of coffee lid itself. want missing thing to carry through a little more...dunno...something like altogether in super k parking-lot between green caravan and dirty white jeep spilled cup spankee s darkens asphalt. cartwheels across pavement ends its journey stuck weeds at edge wendover avenue alongside flyers for dogs car keys kids. eventually agree david on ditching money line. love close some duplicity there blurring heat . cool stuff per usual. -h 83299 re but straighten yourself a little hannah dunno. put your shoulders back. squeeze with thighs. try not to fall off the horse. something like that. thanks 83300 re but straighten yourself a little hannah hmm. yeah i like that better than beginning with the sunglasses actually. changes tone too in totally positive way. good suggestion. thanks jack. -h 83301 wanted reward offered mneff webdelsol.com is offering a 100.00 to whoever supplies information leading the confirmed identity of individual or individuals who recently compromised writer's block admin board and engaged in unauthorized deletion posts. we are process gathering information. deletions began immediately following an incident on involving specific known us. these any associates theirs connected directly indirectly former editors all suspect. this violation public outrageous as far know unprecedented. it interest everyone help us locate offending party. if you supspect anything please write me at editor with subject line issue. conjecture clues welcome. thank you. michael neff 83302 re wanted reward offered cleo patria fess up who done it milagrooooooooooooooe it's chris george in the lounge with ms. scarlet oops kernel mustard 83303 re fall break yoly hannah- i appreciate your input. yes this got a little change of wind in few areas. it was originally written as one series epistles. something about the end result nagged at me but couldn't put nag to rest. will see consistency. thank you muchly. peace yoly- there s awfully fractured inconsistent hard for get read on what going or keep with maintain interest thread because way skips about. same time are elements language here that thrill especially sense energy and those leaps outside box imagistic realism. kick out those. my basic complaints refocusing poem onto around narrator personal rhetoric makes first two strophes far too dispensable they great so shouldn t be lot struck don why some threads particularly notion imposing transgressing borders peripherals couldn made more pertinent latter half poem. sort back tempest swallowing ink cultural margins deals element philosophical component .becomes is extraneous desire image production sensual detail. wish were better brought together by metaphor whatever. am statements seem pull away from another not towards. self-interest billboard buzzing escape paradise m ghost human drag while memory burns whiskey do cohere tone. most part though think flexibility very nice here. only grammar syntax problem have right clumped battles won hands slipped them pockets vouchers dismiss reservations which reasonable just seems clunky. work yoly. -hannah 83304 re the noise it makes leaves si mon thanks sachi -- both good suggestions everblooming traffic has an odd sound i appreciate your help s. hey like this a lot..all ends neatly tied..not going much anywhere..yet conscious of where its going. you may reconsider first line.. ' spilled cup spankee s coffee darkens asphalt.' might be better start.. 'everblooming' is worth rethink..maybe. very nice. 83305 re the noise it makes leaves si mon good nice -- hmmmm...but i keep getting feeling that poem never goes anywhere and might need to be greatly expanded epic verse of landscape crew anyhoo thanks for reading glad you did enjoy this s. start middle finish. nice-even narrative. enjoyed. peace yoly 83306 re the noise it makes leaves si mon i've replaced all my lawn with dirt -- call natural area good suggestions both i'll see what i can do thanks s. lawnmower man. cool. like everydayness and weird sorta manic sense this gives me. just had two minor nits. 1. think could go 2. was hoping there would be another 'how' at end of thing. or something equivalent. more descriptive visual-auditory concrete guess. seemed have been consistent. though because hate to mow. prep-work really. once you're out it's not too bad. --d 83307 re the noise it makes leaves si mon thanks miss h. -- i will consider all always s. hey. like. think you can start not with narrative starts but action of coffee lid itself. want missing thing to carry through a little more...dunno...something like altogether in super k parking-lot between green caravan and dirty white jeep spilled cup spankee s darkens asphalt. cartwheels across pavement ends its journey stuck weeds at edge wendover avenue alongside flyers for dogs car keys kids. eventually agree david on ditching money line. love close some duplicity there blurring heat . cool stuff per usual. -h 83308 in pursuit of the body si mon sweetmeat left out too long under waxing gibbous moon it craves a 50 s flick sweatergirl james dean jacket scream that pierces glass. or essential oils ylang cinnamon bark. who will rub them kneads dough not rise found wandering down by tracks gibbers stories circus clowns gypsy curse reflected carbon steel. you try reverse psychology always worked on kids. doesn t. then fancy dance flailing at missing air spinning like gingham pulled up. music dead from every stinking pore. 83309 re wanted reward offered slosh i always blame willy.. webdelsol.com is offering a 100.00 to whoever supplies information leading the confirmed identity of individual or individuals who recently compromised writer's block admin board and engaged in unauthorized deletion posts. we are process gathering information. deletions began immediately following an incident on involving specific known us. these any associates theirs connected directly indirectly former editors all suspect. this violation public outrageous as far know unprecedented. it interest everyone help us locate offending party. if you supspect anything please write me at editor with subject line issue. conjecture clues welcome. thank you. michael neff 83310 re in pursuit of the body michael mv consider a scream that pierces ears and i don't mean drums way cool here who kneads dough will not rise hot 83311 or not 3b amy on the plus side i found out what agent orange was george and jj once poured this stuff that over 75 95 sulfuric acid smelled smell it reminded me like way up north in woods deer piss you know then started goin' downtown to where ladies are see that's how messes with sodom gomorrah tell one night couldn't breathe scared hell outta my wife she thought get some 'course wasn't formative years 2 12 but they won't let work city until you're 16 who's doin' slick too boy kids when they're people visit here think i'm gonna move build a million houses roofs of tarmac send all water canada don't rain cause it's hot always kid there eagle cave big said for put giraffe food ground no trees eat leaves off 'swhy god gave 'em long neck lord told remember cowpox hangin' around them cows so wouldn't smallpox his dad he wanted smoke if had woulda chimney your head 83313 re diner story 1 amy christopher okay here's my real crit. something is going on in s1 that isn't quite captured 2 3... but i think it could and 3 want to be combined pared down into one more stanza. there's almost too stable about three stanzas here anyway for me a border town... the transient not-quite-complete d able lives all tangential diner. wants two left wanting. some things go giving most trying best truly away if fades does heal every different face has same appeal. brand new place an even newer feel. time stopped stared said what stunning display. no matter you destroy memories stay. --- these are places where poem loses its tom waits sorry i've been listening rain dogs day specificity starts wax philosophic which don't to. great thing hopper's people philosophizing it's have distance see customers can't... them as say nametags etc. can impression of forceps this one. emerging from images slowly surely. enjoyed thanks who made exit with out-of-date hand older man nametag hello name yesterday. calling home already way did not bring phone. there small black book. loose scribbled page. away. town welcome mat says come disappear. receding hairline fracture. knock door stranger's stranger daring escape. cardboard containers fancy gunplay. old friends fill boxes changed hearts haunt hallway. destruction feasting all-you-can-eat buffet. guts were gone only walls remained. 83314 re the noise it makes leaves amy si mon i like opening line. i'm comforted by reference to what can assume was title right away. begin here trust that pronoun not thrown out vaguely or broadly for want of a more specific term but poem itself will explore . starts in lot... only unsatisfying aspect comes perhaps then at end where is clearly just lid and think first word talking about so much than lid. finish you started all... otherwise enjoyed love pov banal things. cheers lot super k between green caravan dirty white jeep. spilled cup spankee s coffee darkens asphalt. cartwheels ending its journey stuck weeds edge wendover ave with flyers missing dogs kids candy wrappers faded brand white. eventually yellows browns. mix rye grass thistle crown vetch don t seem mind. when their growth bother vision drivers young guy several teeth gray cat cap cut them as quickly he can. has things do. time after all money. finished stops quickshop smokes. walks thinks mowed morning early before heat became intolerable how damp blades clung other blade whacked hard making no one could hear above manic thrum everblooming traffic. 83316 re fall break barbara silberg i love the language but this needs a focus. maybe stick with gallery exhibit idea and run that. only other nit is word tires. when first read thought 'lite wheels'--which ain't what you were aiming for. --barbara s. rain has leveled. ground certifiably spongy sky goya blue tawny borders as if on exhibit. light tires quicker everyday. rest of country will soon face cooler winds. it warm in peripheral world south temperature frizzy hot. may recall. am self-interest billboard buzzing escape to paradise. caution lights my head are softening. want ask these sorts getting along see electrical wire tripping. right that clumped battles won your hands slipped them pockets vouchers dismiss reservations recall our tempest swallowing ink cultural margins standing stark silent while nuts bolts wheeled how was striking centered eyes prisms no mirror could contain. days m ghost human drag memory burns whiskey. 83317 re in pursuit of the body barbara silberg love language but 2 nits. although s4 may be intrinsic pales. you might what to spice it up or simply ditch it. last stanza pulled bothers me. maybe a different verb there hope have been help. --barbara s. sweetmeat left out too long under waxing gibbous moon craves 50 s flick sweatergirl james dean jacket scream that pierces glass. essential oils ylang cinnamon bark. who will rub them kneads dough not rise found wandering down by tracks gibbers stories circus clowns gypsy curse reflected carbon steel. try reverse psychology always worked on kids. doesn t. then fancy dance flailing at missing air spinning like gingham up. music dead from every stinking pore. 83318 re fall break yoly barbara- thank you muchly. i have revised and will post. peace love the language but this needs a focus. maybe stick with gallery exhibit idea run that. only other nit is word tires. when first read thought 'lite wheels'--which ain't what were aiming for. --barbara s. 83320 fall break revised yoly rain has leveled off and the ground is certifiably spongy. sky goya blue with tawny borders as if on gallery exhibit. light tires quicker everyday. rest of country will soon face cooler winds. it warm in peripheral world south temperature frizzy hot. you may recall when i was a billboard buzzing self-interest escape to paradise. but caution lights my head are softening. want ask these sorts getting along see electrical wire tripping. your hands clumped battles won would slip them pockets vouchers dismiss reservations. our tempest swallowed ink cultural margins. we stood stark silent while nuts bolts wheeled. best centered eyes prisms no mirror could contain. days m ghost human drag memory burns whiskey. 83321 rafferty and o'shaunessy ctg christopher t george well i'm just a common working man with half of bitter bread jam. jethro tull thinks i don't see him fine enough god's truth through me fingers steepled like the church in maynooth. all people there horse cart he walked behind muck thought it was funeral. high mighty believe they're better than sweet jesus as sit smokin' woodbine feedin' mallards on hovis. knows latest hits sings them when i've got shits love do while my poo. he's sitting watching smoking his gaulloise frenchified twit. ground control to major tom bed brigitte bardot without johnny on. no french letter. poste restante. t. 83322 re or not 3b si mon for me the third part is poem -- other sections are too loose and hard to follow. but has kind of oddness i like funny almost narrative. more comments below. on plus side found out what agent orange was george jj once poured this stuff that over 75 95 sulfuric acid don't know referring smelled smell it reminded way up north in woods mind repeat deer piss you then started goin' downtown where ladies see that's how messes with sodom gomorrah tell one night couldn't breathe scared hell outta my wife she thought get some 'course wasn't 9you lose here going can be pure voice still make sense think formative years 2 12 sounds they won't let work city until you're 16 who's doin' slick boy kids follow line when they're people visit i'm gonna move build a million houses roofs tarmac send all water canada rain cause it's hot always kid want understand can't grip handle there eagle cave big said put giraffe food ground no trees eat leaves off 'swhy god gave 'em long neck lord told remember cowpox hangin' around them cows so wouldn't smallpox his dad he wanted smoke if had woulda chimney your head best stanza opinion 83323 re the noise it makes leaves si mon thanks amy -- good insight into what is needed at end s. i like opening line. i'm comforted by reference to can assume was title right away. begin here trust that pronoun not thrown out vaguely or broadly for want of a more specific term but poem itself will explore . starts in lot... only unsatisfying aspect comes perhaps then where clearly just lid and think first word talking about so much than lid. finish you started all... otherwise enjoyed love pov banal things. cheers 83324 re in pursuit of the body si mon thanks mv -- s. consider a scream that pierces ears and i don't mean drums way cool here who kneads dough will not rise hot 83325 re or not 3b amy si mon thanks for responding... it's mainly a found poem. i just wrote down verbatim best could what guy was saying to himself on the my car in shop from st. paul mpls. barely keep up. typed it into computer so have digital and then thought i'd share with you all. unfortunately his stop mile away where got on. think s1 is favorite... deer piss cheating wife environmental hazards all tied up together. almost didn't going after funny eh again me third part poem -- other sections are too loose hard follow. but has kind of oddness like narrative. more comments below. 83326 re in pursuit of the body si mon i'll try to spice and pulled up -- something other than twirls let me thunk on it thanks for your help --s. love language but 2 nits. although s4 may be intrinsic pales. you might what or simply ditch it. last stanza bothers me. maybe a different verb there hope have been help. --barbara s. 83327 re or not 3b si mon yes funny -- and sad material for a poem indeed. get title pull it in bit let all out. thanks responding... it's mainly found poem. i just wrote down verbatim best could what guy was saying to himself on the my car shop from st. paul mpls. barely keep up. typed into computer so have digital then thought i'd share with you all. unfortunately his stop mile away where got on. think s1 is favorite... deer piss cheating wife environmental hazards tied up together. almost didn't going after eh again amy 83328 the distance between mikem while christ-child played taps on a muddy bank blue heron stood motionless in reeds. it could be called play of genius either part which through moments gone held sway over other. and communion was just sky blazed with sunlight cicada sound. something surfaced bayou like birthmark removed or starvation ended. think as jealousy before myth ever sapphire blackened by dusty rubble left thieves. nothing remains no one to bless blame. music comes we listen listen. 83329 re the distance between si mon this is a strong meditation...enjoyed images and music movement -- only image i thought went too far or perhaps was not needed sapphire i'm sure you had your reasons but for me didn't add anything enjoyed s. while christ-child played taps on muddy bank blue heron stood motionless in reeds. it could be called play of genius either part which through moments gone held sway over other. communion just sky blazed with sunlight cicada sound. something surfaced bayou like birthmark removed starvation ended. think as jealousy before myth ever blackened by dusty rubble left thieves. nothing remains no one to bless blame. comes we listen listen. 83331 re the distance between michael mv have read this several times. i like lots. consider as by rubble left thieves. i'm still contemplating sapphire situation. 83333 re skipping stones rev cyocom i haven't read the previous version so apologize for any conflicting suggestions. first couplet feels awkward to me because of line ends sons wrong is jarring. narrative straightforward enough maybe too since end inevitable. wonder if omitting will help. last would suggest that you reconsider impregnable and crenellations they sound slightly out voice. nio 83334 re the distance between slosh while christ-child played taps on a muddy bank line 1 christ child who used an army term this doesn t work for me- even son of god would not be that alert to his mission he slept and grew blue heron stood motionless in reeds. two no complaints it could called play genius either part which through moments gone held sway over other. lines 3 4 do nothing nor add enlightenment they read like after thought communion was just five made me laugh at its own authority sky blazed with sunlight cicada sound. l 6 how often we have been told something surfaced bayou 7 only image here is one word birthmark removed or starvation ended. 8- i always gag kind simile think as jealousy before myth 9 13 --you are leading reader engaging them. ever sapphire blackened by dusty rubble left thieves. remains bless blame. music comes listen listen. 83335 on looking back at the last year or two david ayers as it is there no breach in wall bomb. a leg pulling panic. an ephemeral sinking like one sought after. wan face knows. blue thing and rug grey drapes. milk-pail shovel. but always wall. white plate plane. glove hand signal. they had nailed prawn our minds. 83338 re or not 3b amy si mon i only meant that it was funny you liked s3 and s1. it's all want from for now. think doing anything with is counter to its found nature right now but might feel differently later. thanks again yes -- sad material a poem indeed. get title pull in bit let out. 83339 notes to a narrator asher the when story is cut through middle subject begins fear either side. consequently s he adopts multiple personalities and perspectives. such person if exists will be indecisive at one moment they hyper capitalist next luddite. thus there import in literary term called projection by which projects his body into synaptic gap produces third or world. world foreign. fact it often feels invaded. job position for can complex issue. could well rounded mailman but would most likely too interested contents of mail. an erudite cab driver. physician selling hotdogs meat ie kosher father has not yet fully created walls do so. humanism nice thought. create simulations fiction write entralling lucid sensual imagery audience simulators. turning back hades quiet controlled journey large small bowels search meaning. this sort imaginative shamanic depending on her viewpoint. descent misconstrued as naval gazing was case orthodox church fathers hardly believes something nothing all. seen thinking binaries exist space permits their collapse. usually figits with fingers sweaty palms leave steaks table. young child every possibility that slow trying process overabundance information. other words psychic sponge. she uses palm pilot figured out notice significant contact whom trusts. little interests lives people only ways permutate covert overt maniacs murderers prostitutes fellow wanders. exaggerates. what must occur doesn't precisely because thinks indefinitely occurred satori-like moments commonly add. means add up various viewpoints ruminate used all its metaphorical linguistic evolutions . section narrative satori like require includes string connected haikus start rain catalpa leaves end sorrow misunderstood from neuronal pathway humour makes laugh falls bed shipped thunder bay. lying after anastomosis lateral bowel. good nurse marlene recently visited him told about merits jesus christ talked mother being possible suitor brain. also failed marriage. sorrow. excess laughs. joy weeps. poetics william blake involve fusion apollonian brain dionysian subsequently repile atavistic results transvaluation bipolar syndrome. presumed have two poles are bilaterally opposed order significance india pakistan canada freud yung rational intuitive etc. polarity just before transvaluation. occurs mind forgets word. short work. see ancient mariner allusion previous segment bowel--previous poem. option death beauty truth mean life antithesis truth. is....blake sing unless dead. don't forget your characters laundry. you mispell word consider yourself innovator learner. decide. seek babel. happy. enjoy sex. procreate. visit strip clubs learn. decide go blame me feel you're missing segment. certain point sourjoun may choose poem deconstructing clubs. knows simulated place learning blood boil disassociate watch reactions female profound work art viewpoint currently examining sees metal pole where aforementioned strippers whirl climb freudian slip club climbed babel original perhaps guttural. image evokes repulsed considers hole stripper disappears part whole simulation. so take account chosen walks door denims looking miserable tries cheer 2 ways. 1 supporting business going room enjoying asking perspective industry. replies saving money school asks government funding character them walk joint face ie. simply serve simulation then living simulations. missed these minute particulars mirrors wall club. allow women gaze mirror. especially evident light ceiling illuminates mirror deflects eyes. never date absolutely sure loves person. rules adheres to. somehow already constructs seeks divulge reach farther down gut bowel meets large. presents new parables make able construct ancestral past. 83340 wonder rick lobes while doing laundry i begin to then discover feelings aroused by something strange and surprising with senses rising ask what happened my youth knowing if keep asking may see the truth continuing ponder mind begins wander in a new state of learning about old why not remembering had been told did throw it away because m still able convey very same way just don t remember say loosing reinsurance is one keys at times we different degrees s direction on stage progress make standing for dignity worth or step take baby steps stay track totally unaware how get back thinking were ten twenty years ago wish desire know would have uncovered all that resides me now dwindling desires body match too late start from scratch show beauty no longer known but continues reminiscing problem holding sock other missing 83341 wifely duty jables i watch an olive being plucked from a tree in israel the tanned hands of woman holding it aloft closing one eye to block out sun with then placing its solemn roundness into her basket before reaching up once again find another. 83342 re wonder jables how many times do you use the word in this poem i feel like i'm being hit over head with that word. now think is a good idea for but could some cutting down to make it sharper less prose-like and more direct. narrator musing on subject fine there has be going than simply musing. try remove weak poeticisms asking why not remembering if had been told knowing did throw away frost said poetry momentary stay against confusion something should begin delight end wisdom. that's quaint notion today ways help poem. don't find anything concrete here just lot of vague emoting. go back. hope helps. while doing laundry then discover feelings aroused by strange surprising senses rising ask what happened my youth keep may see truth continuing ponder mind begins wander new state learning about old because m still able convey very same way don t remember say loosing reinsurance one keys at we different degrees s direction stage progress standing dignity worth or step take baby steps track totally unaware get back thinking were ten twenty years ago wish desire know would have uncovered all resides me dwindling desires body match too late start from scratch show beauty no longer known continues reminiscing problem holding sock other missing 83343 re in pursuit of the body jables si mon like this a lot but not first stanza. sweet meat reminds me barbecue ads from '70s nothing beats our meat. sexual innuendo isn't here. it's blatant and that ruins it for right off bat had to make myself read rest which is wonderful . don't get scream part. i assume woman crying out orgasmic ecstasy i'm just assuming. enjoyed. sweetmeat left too long under waxing gibbous moon craves 50 s flick sweatergirl james dean jacket pierces glass. or essential oils ylang cinnamon bark. who will rub them kneads dough rise found wandering down by tracks gibbers stories circus clowns gypsy curse reflected carbon steel. you try reverse psychology always worked on kids. doesn t. then fancy dance flailing at missing air spinning gingham pulled up. music dead every stinking pore. 83344 nothing stirring laurel the room i entered was a dream of this room. --john ashbery there is mouse in house. mice perhaps. usually where one are many. kitchen ants small and brown busy cleaning detritus half-eaten meals. on my ceiling spider biding her time weaving weaving. no egg web. you full chairs covered with dust sheets. corpse trap neck snapped faded spot wall eight legs. cobwebs drift draft like idled hands. floor does not crawl anything except unswept crumbs. at dawn s thump above head. roof bird or squirrel searching for food leaving. alas dead dads don t dance weddings they can laugh funerals. 83345 re nothing stirring dmjones my laurel starting off with in opinion the most unquoteable of poets certainly catches attention. some great poetics here - nicely done. that said you've worked this muse before what stirs you these days direct your attention there. again very nice writing. dennis 83346 re nothing stirring jables laurel i'm still trying to decide if the dead father coming in penultimate line is startling a good way or bad way. i like last two lines but not sure end this whole piece works together. taken piecemeal great just convinced of its merit as whole. enjoyed nonetheless. room entered was dream room. --john ashbery there mouse house. mice perhaps. usually where one are many. kitchen ants small and brown busy cleaning detritus half-eaten meals. on my ceiling spider biding her time weaving weaving. no egg web. you full chairs covered with dust sheets. corpse trap neck snapped faded spot wall eight legs. cobwebs drift draft idled hands. floor does crawl anything except unswept crumbs. at dawn s thump above head. roof bird squirrel searching for food leaving. alas dads don t dance weddings they can laugh funerals. 83347 re nothing stirring laurel my dennis grin grrrrrrrrrrr. i've been making that sound alot lately thanks to a bum knee for 3 weeks has made daily and absolutely necessary aerobic exercise routine nearly impossible perform at the usual required intensity. but hey things is lookin' up--the miraculously feels almost normal these past 2 days--i'm still holding breath---and workouts are back up speed. as i digress. knew i'd get nailed by you dammit--how do pop out of clear blue catch me old bad habits --grin same pot stew but...i've riding streak stranger writing felt an urge need return more expression even if only briefly. am directing attention days away from myself in writing---and garnering some interesting results. so don't fret this relapse sir. i'll always pick scabs time just make sure they bleed. smile muchly feedback meanwhile dontcha love ashbery god his poetry unknowable. starting off with opinion most unquoteable poets certainly catches attention. great poetics here - nicely done. said you've worked muse before what stirs direct your there. again very nice writing. 83348 re nothing stirring laurel jables you new here if so welcome thanks for the feedback. i'm still trying to decide my self that dead father has any business being blatant in this poem. honestly line popped into head morning while i was doing laundry. i'd jotted down mouse ants and spider lines last night before bed....and woke up wondering where poem should go---and it go at all. came back board with intention of pulling but y'all beat me punch comments guess i'll leave stand. too often am guilty posting on impulse think case here. again your thoughts regarding whole dad thing are greatly appreciated. like read a crit echoes doubts reservations have. convinces those may very well be valid smile coming penultimate is startling good way or bad way. two not sure end piece works together. taken piecemeal great just convinced its merit as whole. enjoyed nonetheless. 83349 re on looking back at the last year or two laurel ya know...i read this night and fell asleep with that pulling panic in my head. but before i jotted down lines about a mouse house--with same there is construction you have here. time couldn't figure out where thing was coming from because it's i'd normally resist now see your poem still echoing too what attempting--and badly might add--in deceptive simplicity present here poem. damn mine's way off mark. don't any nits of course. do question. should be comma preposition between glove hand kind gets under skin drives me crazy. just short by ashbery morning which very simliar to sense it seems once straight forward yet impenetrable. grrrrr. second growl after noon. better stop growling start exercising guess. reading you--and hannah annmarie...and ashbery---is good for brain. as no breach wall bomb. leg panic. an ephemeral sinking like one sought after. wan face knows. blue rug grey drapes. milk-pail shovel. always wall. white plate plane. signal. they had nailed prawn our minds. 83350 re the distance between laurel i keep tripping over this line mike which through moments gone held sway other. it's....murky guess. abstract. rest of poem is concrete for me. two tiny nits. maybe kill sound after cicada and ever in myth line. otherwise aside from that can't seem to stop stumbling on like like. while christ-child played taps a muddy bank blue heron stood motionless reeds. it could be called play genius either part communion was just sky blazed with sunlight sound. something surfaced bayou birthmark removed or starvation ended. think as jealousy before sapphire blackened by dusty rubble left thieves. nothing remains no one bless blame. music comes we listen listen. 83351 re or not 3b laurel hmmmmm. i read the first part without scrolling down and seeing there was more to poem---and after reading 2 parts that follow gotta tell you....i think is whole poem. just zola's comments---and laughed out loud when saw he thought 3rd that's beauty of these boards---everyone's got their own opinion. grin which can be a little addling sometimes for poet ya know say like stanza zola likes 3 someone else will come along we're both wrong poem smile oh me my. um do feel strongly you have separate poems here. guess could present them as triptych label each so separately from other yet considered third whole---jesus did even make any sense what i'm trying sigh almost title one then still prseent single in parts. line killer diller. told recenlty ayers lines would swell titles books. your is. should ever compile manuscript on plus side found agent orange dandy title. don't about but are incredibly important---for books everything. if boards dull 9 times outta 10 won't grabs reader it's door book. shutting up now. liked thing---but 1st stanza's me. zola...don't frown george jj once poured this stuff over 75 95 sulfuric acid smelled smell it reminded way north woods deer piss started goin' downtown where ladies see how messes with sodom gomorrah night couldn't breathe scared hell my wife she get some 'course wasn't 83352 re wonder rick thanks jables.... i do have a tendency to ramble on at times. believe you are correct in the fact this could be shorten. sorry if your head is hurting by my count use twice. was not going for wisdom just little humor. again how many times word poem feel like i'm being hit over with that word. now think good idea but some cutting down make it sharper less prose-like and more direct. narrator musing subject fine there has than simply musing. try remove weak poeticisms asking why remembering had been told frost said poetry momentary stay against confusion something should begin delight end wisdom. that's quaint notion today ways help poem. don't find anything concrete here lot of vague emoting. go back. hope helps. jables 83353 re a real needle david ayers sir you must stop writing like this. i mean it. do want me to tear out all of my hair said somewhere in this thread that certain line was giving fits. your poetry is now seriously. still have and the whole poem head---heck body airplane smells so good. sigh. read other night before bed it did what good often does--caused remember memory i'd put aside. not forgotten exactly but while deeply cherished hadn't surfaced quite some time. thank for that. made write poem. too. that's can should do. during course reading allow forget however briefly you're alive simultaneously causing alive. if makes any sense at all. younger brother's wedding. humid july. wandering park with time long lost recently found older brother. under weeping willow couldn't tell difference between fireflies stars. would make super swell name book. thanks write. helping forget---and remember--that am indeed oh yeah. loved goes without saying. laurel i've seen damage done... mm terrific memory. had many felt they continue. to. uh endure guess. don't know yet true. think once idea grips it's hard down. --d 83354 re on looking back at the last year or two david ayers ya know...i read this night and fell asleep with that pulling panic in my head. but before i jotted down lines about a mouse house--with same there is construction you have here. time couldn't figure out where thing was coming from because it's i'd normally resist now see your poem still echoing too what attempting--and badly might add--in deceptive simplicity present here poem. damn mine's way off mark. don't any nits of course. do question. should be comma preposition between glove hand kind gets under skin drives me crazy. just short by ashbery morning which very simliar to sense it seems once straight forward yet impenetrable. grrrrr. second growl after noon. better stop growling start exercising guess. reading you--and hannah annmarie...and ashbery---is good for brain. laurel they are brain too. think something whole 'there happened etc.' mode composition. things seem more convincing real maybe. maybe simplest begin something. dunno feel lazy sometimes writing way. anyway left commas few places guess convey some urgeny whatnot. know if that's right not. punctuation isn't strong suit. --d 83355 re nothing stirring asher laurel--i agree with other readers. hey but don't listen to people who expect be stirred. the poem itself is a of absence. there are some fine lines in this. consider an experiment... - whenever you decide use simile see why it that language inadequate express what need say plainly and bluntly. definitely killing those last two or revising them. i've been reading your changes style poetics over past week notice you're striving attain more intertextual stuff. i question always opening someone elses quote. should speak for at times no let's how far he can destabilze her into new birth grin as do . when read like kitchen ants small brown busy cleaning detritus half-eaten meals. much. word b c poems become predictable diction. wonder whether expansion vocubulary would help poetry since bloody talented moving right along imo which not didn't old will all incorprated imo. russian poet talks about sleeping night think same various contradictory jarring poetics. they work together...see happens. startling here never throw tear apart anything write k. show hannah before to. he. ag room entered was dream this room. --john ashbery mouse house. mice perhaps. usually where one many. on my ceiling spider biding time weaving weaving. egg web. full chairs covered dust sheets. corpse trap neck snapped faded spot wall eight legs. cobwebs drift draft idled hands. floor does crawl except unswept crumbs. dawn s thump above head. roof bird squirrel searching food leaving. alas dead dads don t dance weddings laugh funerals. 83356 re nothing stirring david ayers the room i entered was a dream of this room. --john ashbery there is mouse in house. mice perhaps. usually where one are many. kitchen ants small and brown busy cleaning detritus half-eaten meals. on my ceiling spider biding her time weaving weaving. no egg web. you full chairs covered with dust sheets. corpse trap neck snapped faded spot wall eight legs. cobwebs drift draft like idled hands. floor does not crawl anything except unswept crumbs. at dawn s thump above head. roof bird or squirrel searching for food leaving. alas dead dads don t dance weddings they can laugh funerals. hey could end 'leaving' think could. that's suggestion anyway. has terrific energry middle-- --and it comes across pretty well focused that 'alas'. it's kindof couplet shakespearian sonnet. bit too pat proverbial explaining something. anyway... --d 83358 nothing stirring revised laurel the room i entered was a dream of this room. --john ashbery there's mouse in house. mice perhaps. like regrets where one there are many. kitchen ants small and brown busy gleaning detritus half-eaten meals. spider on ceiling amber fat biding her time weaving weaving. web no egg yet. my you're full shrouded furniture. corpse trap neck snapped yellow spot wall with eight legs. cobwebs drift draft idled hands. floor crawls unswept crumbs. at dawn s thump over head. roof squirrel or crow searching for food. you leaving again. 83359 re wifely duty barbara silberg i don't understand the title but like this as a whole. would suggest removing watch rather passive and going right for meat of matter with more active tense. think that might make strong poem even stronger. hope to have been help. --barbara s. an olive being plucked from tree in israel tanned hands woman holding it aloft closing one eye block out sun then placing its solemn roundness into her basket before reaching up once again find another. 83360 pruning of a woman katelyn i'm fighting the mad desire to write ode snowdrop so spring images are slipping into everything i no matter how heavy subject matter. i've been working on this one for quite while and it just isn't getting it. any suggestions her breasts nourished son daughter spilled from gowns romance covers. doctor tells he will remove as if is diseased branch that needs be pruned an otherwise healthy tree. but body not sprout new breast next spring. when she asks there some less radical way best was arborist who pollarded trees last fall they would grow more vigorously chest leafy green even his judicious may give enough years see own. writes letters in case still alive can read. do enlarge your letter because fears enhancements have cost own perhaps life gel oozed them like lethal dose herbicide. today went check-up. told prune other breast. symmetrical again once pre-woman flat without promise growth. 83361 re wifely duty jables barbra thank you for the read. i like your suggestion. don't understand title but this as a whole. would suggest removing watch rather passive and going right meat of matter with more active tense. think that might make strong poem even stronger. hope to have been help. --barbara s. 83362 re on looking back at the last year or two asher hi david. always good to see what you're up to. i think understand need for repetition it grounds imagery provides a kind of rhetorical symmetry poem and interesting formalistic juxtaposition with disjunctive as though poem's structure itself is trying stablize images in an artificial matrix. matrix comes off unconvincing course but interesting. without there would be synapses--a series misfirings. leaves me unsatisfied. want more consciousness poet achieve by this grounding disjuctive imagery. much like nailed down part end--but whole wanted if you my honest opinion. ag no breach wall bomb. leg pulling panic. ephemeral sinking one sought after. wan face knows. blue thing rug grey drapes. milk-pail shovel. wall. white plate plane. glove hand signal. they had prawn our minds. 83363 re on looking back at the last year or two david ayers hi david. always good to see what you're up to. i think understand need for repetition it grounds imagery provides a kind of rhetorical symmetry poem and interesting formalistic juxtaposition with disjunctive as though poem's structure itself is trying stablize images in an artificial matrix. matrix comes off unconvincing course but interesting. without there would be synapses--a series misfirings. leaves me unsatisfied. want more consciousness poet achieve by this grounding disjuctive imagery. much like nailed down part end--but whole wanted if you my honest opinion. ag asher thanks. appreciate agree too think. something missing here one. can't quite place it. time revisit rethink whatnot. --d 83364 re nothing stirring revised cyocom hello i think the revision works better than original. there are a couple of places where sound was annoying house mouse trap snap drift draft. usually sonics work to enhance poem so can't say why these instances were jarring. i'm glad you decided break stanza at introduction room because it starts an entirely new direction thought. noi 83365 re on looking back at the last year or two cyocom david i've put comments inline because that's probably best way to make sense of them. this didn't entirely work but i have a definite why it didn't. noi as is there no breach in wall bomb. leg pulling panic. ----i'm bothered by antecedent for 'it'. should read 'it' an ephemeral sinking like one sought after. ----this sandwiched between body parts so 'disjoints' text. wan face knows. blue thing and rug grey drapes. milk-pail shovel. ----again always wall. white plate plane. glove hand signal. ----the second line needs punctuation mostly context could plane airplane dimensional surface tool thingy . group objects signal can't find point cohesion. you also first stanza. they had nailed prawn our minds. ----you realize that i'm obsessed with political landscape map everything here end your poem thinking terrorism images together. 83366 re nothing stirring revised amy laurel suggestion yet. in my dream you're a room full of shrouded furniture... to you are locked and ashbery has provided the room. have extrapolated that into house i think poem could be little more careful about what parts mean what. love ashbery... read april galleons last semester. thanks entered was this --john there's mouse house. mice perhaps. like regrets where one there many. kitchen ants small brown busy gleaning detritus half-eaten meals. spider on ceiling amber fat biding her time weaving weaving. web no egg furniture. corpse trap neck snapped yellow spot wall with eight legs. cobwebs drift draft idled hands. floor crawls unswept crumbs. at dawn s thump over head. roof squirrel or crow searching for food. leaving again. 83367 re nothing stirring laurel predictable diction. yes. an expansion of vocabulary definitely necessary. toss the last lines god i'm still shaking my head wondering what in hell i was thinking. and kind shocked that no one laughed poem right off board. grin dead dads don't dance yikes. makes me cringe. as said elsewhere regarding this there's a huge gap between hearing composing versus found themselves scribbled on paper ultimately transposed manipulated paper. throw any writing away. have enough bits pieces poems written over 4 years mountains stashed all place. to fuel bonfire. know saving shit for. never go back look at it. so perhaps oughta burn it purge myself save everything becomes actual disk email box. either. thanks for noticing attempt new direction writing. knows trying. sick same ol' ol'...and yet stuff comes out strangely sometimes return like just reassure myself. it's late. gotta turn in. asher these comments. laurel--i agree with other readers. hey but listen people who expect be stirred. itself is absence. there are some fine this. consider experiment... - whenever you decide use simile see why language inadequate express need say plainly bluntly. killing those two or revising them. i've been reading your changes style poetics past week notice you're striving attain more intertextual stuff. question always opening someone elses quote. should speak times let's how far he can destabilze her into birth do . when read kitchen ants small brown busy cleaning detritus half-eaten meals. much. word b c become wonder whether vocubulary would help poetry since bloody talented moving along imo which not didn't old will incorprated imo. russian poet talks about sleeping night think various contradictory jarring poetics. they work together...see happens. startling here tear apart anything write k. show hannah before to. he. ag 83368 re nothing stirring laurel alas is one of my favorite words and has lately been showing up in just about every damn poem i write. grin wish lived 100 years ago when could throw wrist to forehead utter a heartfelt alas. mean the word so antiquated quaint. maybe that's why love it. nowadays we say too bad sad or other such drivel. wanna live ago. actually more than no cars phones bleeping cell grrrrrrrr computers televisions stereos. our lives are inundated with techology. find it all wearying intrusive 99 time. yes nixed dead dad bit revision. god that was awful dads don't dance good lord. still can't believe wrote let alone posted thanks for not laughing long loudly at me. okay you guffawed privately. as i've already said....i hate this now. it...fails on many levels ah well. guess if look written learning experience gain something from each even case it's merely alot shaking head alternately myself cussing out under breath la yosemite sam. thank sir your hey end 'leaving' think could. suggestion anyway. terrific energry middle-- dream room full chairs covered dust sheets. --and comes across pretty well focused except 'alas'. kindof like couplet shakespearian sonnet. pat proverbial explaining something. anyway... --d 83369 re nothing stirring revised laurel hello are you new to the board if so welcome your comment regarding annoying sounds in poem hits nail on head--more than know. lately sonics guide my writing more and more--and often those end up bordering ridiculous or annoying. i guess have reel it a little as not turn into dr. seuss. grin appreciate chiming revision. i'm compeltely disenchanted with revision...but revision is at least step toward intended direction when sat down write poem. thanks much for crit original. there couple of places where sound was house mouse trap snap drift draft. usually work enhance can't say why these instances were jarring. glad decided break stanza introduction room because starts an entirely thought. noi 83370 re nothing stirring revised laurel hey amy thanks for the suggestion and comments. yeah i definitely took his room built a house. not house i'd planned on building dammit. don't you hate when that happens think gap is single most frustrating element of creative process--that being poem composed in head versus transposed paper or computer. alot time can get it right--or write as just typed---but sometimes it's like trying to remember dream. disipates fog before down. love ashbery---but do how he messes with my brain read him. i'm reading your name here right now. only one at time. reread this last night---the epigram from---and wrote new response it. guess what about ashbery inscrutable poems are. owning cat---and use word tentatively since cats part aren't ever really owned. grin will sleep bed eat food from hand play string dangle front them....and yet know some level they give damn. have these whole lives are entirely their own ya always feel cat saying nice see again now must be going. shutting up. phone's ringing. yet. dream you're full shrouded furniture... locked has provided room. extrapolated into could little more careful parts mean what. ashbery... april galleons semester. 83371 say laurel thanks for saying what y'all said. grin i too many times and i'll again. seriously kids the feedback. hannah-ah your blog. not flogging me stealing from yes my first book---ha---will be called plagiarist. or thievery. heck shameless. don't know that song---but gosh love title--and liked lyrics alot when googled them. sure send song hnnh. swan hummingbird...that just popped into head. original thought is dead. bingo was his name-oh i'm shutting up. strange head space today. must ashberying of brain. 83372 re pruning of a woman sbern reading your poem reminds me the one greek god who shared with greatest empathy human distress and suffered in extreme 'agon.' greeks identified dionysus 'radical' prunings vines winter when they re- sembled black twisted stumps. -- but then joy dance lush intoxicating harvest grapes. best to you ... 83373 re pruning of a woman annmarie eldon this is essentially extremely strong but you've got to have every line break count and end word meaningful becuase the poem about cutting has therefore present imprtant shape on page not just shape. i suggest her breasts nourished son daughter spilled from gowns romance covers. doctor tells he will remove one as if it diseased branch that needs be pruned an otherwise healthy tree. body sprout new breast next spring. when she asks there some less radical way best for was arborist who pollarded trees last fall so they would grow more vigorously chest leafy green even his judicious may give enough years see own. writes letters in case still alive can read. do enlarge your letter because fears enhancements cost own perhaps life gel oozed them like lethal dose herbicide. today went check- up. told prune other breast. symmetrical again once pre-woman flat without promise growth. 83374 a love-letter for camille michael mv clay comes alive when you touch and in the figures of poet word turns to flesh ruby muse making art love lyrical like light on stained-glass figurines cut by those aqua-marine eyes that reflect unbeveled crystal-vision prodigal provencial protegee carpenter-city-child with heart hugo heat van gogh divinity michelangelo reached above dust offered velvet locks upon wheel doing saved rusting sun from setting too soon has given old man rodin new wings belle de la lune beauty moon mad compassion mud so it can be just once great warm white wind sistine fingers lingering all around but why must night descent turn starless relish ragingly refuse wane phase into black moons affronted critics say delusions medea eclipsed madonna's claim yet see again how still patience providence cold fever broken she melts marble 83375 re wonder hannah rick- the premise of poem is actually kind cool. i think it was editor new england review who noted other day that he wished had more poems about things like soap. everyday things. really happen. and s sort what this based on a lot emotional gymnastics to show how missing sock can be relevant or indeed emblematic life in general. find interesting worthy as device for poem. but. executed with such poor handling almost unreadable. interest physical object its metaphorical relevance mangled by many lines superfluous sentiment weak language bad meter rhyme. if we took out every line basically just string abstractions d left only last line. say try again. time less bathos. sorry t positive. thank you all same chance read respond. -hannah 83376 re wifely duty hannah jables- i confess. saw the earlier version of this in which think ploy poem was much more transparent rather than watch . change to makes trope a bit coy yes but it s harder as reader understand what is now. before seemed clear that endure and such thing eventually became no longer worthy endeavor at all. something word title changes suggest sort distanced speaker moment figure out exactly woman olive represent. any case still enough her own pleasure plucked like space imagination longing. vast between could be intriguing. would consider keeping either find another or once again. two seem repeat one where really not necessary i.e. they both continuity if quite same way its revised form extremely awkward closing eye block sun with since continually refers sure. she needs close order use m sure written clearly. hands vs hand does need hold aloft nice breaks. well-done metaphor. pretty works for me. slight nicely crafted piece overall. thanks -hannah 83377 p.s. hannah are you married to israel only because the olive image made me think so quickly of h.d.'s helen that i had go find line in particular.... all greece hates still eyes white face lustre as olives where she stands and hands. so... would be an interesting allusion...perhaps especially if some resonance former title were return...something about captivity theft seduction on. 83378 re pruning of a woman hannah katelyn- thanks for posting this. i enjoyed reading and considering it. these days it seems nearly everyone knows someone who has been diagnosed with breast cancer s serious frightening subject that gets sometimes overwhelmingly ineffectual air-play via the medium poetry. so. thought you handled topic well using an empathetic device managed to contain both emotional impact subject. overall think this is well-crafted poem. want state out front because whatever else say here does not whether or poem currently well-written. would like see metaphor either slightly more pronounced less pronounced. right now impossible miss but at same time there lot language revolve around explaining pertinence instead just letting ride its own wave through don t know if makes any sense. something very mannered about cultivation craft rather than feeling organic end-product. too much simile. some things cause unease shifting probably isn necessary. stuff letter woman. lens scratched instance she once again symmetrical flat then sentence joins without promise new growth which odd parallel being drawn when was had growth. wording come wrong. tighten. loosen. certain. m sure goal d even share possible become object critique make look what see. ignoring moment itself working fairly powerful certainly allusive set images body as tree producer nature pruned shaped literally by outside world manifested doctor also happens be male . goedicke may swenson colette inez plath laceration cutting pastan goodness on on...but perhaps most significantly sexton her they wanted cut will said were sick unto dying wrong are singing school girl torn. could go way in speaks especially found interesting chose have synthetic almost infected source alien natural indeed idea guided shaping easily swiftly shakespeare lavinia philomela suppose anyway worthwhile case appreciate giving me opportunity read consider. -hannah 83379 valentines day poem jordan i know it's a little off topic but i'd like to share my with you all. hearts and roses kisses galore... what the hell is that schtuff for people get mushy start acting queer definitely most annoying of year. this needs over pass. before shove dozen up cupid's ass. i'll spend so drunk can't speak wear all black rest week. guys act sweet soon it will fade... they are doing trying laid. arrow cupid shot at me must not have hit because think love bunch . there's story... can say... bites ass... screw valentine's 83380 re wonder rick lobes hi hannah thank you for your comments. i am beginning to realize less is more when it comes my writing. will indeed go back the drawing board on this one and others. think may take a class at our local collage learn basics. as pointed out feel have many good ideas. but still lacking executions point. thanks again rick- premise of poem actually kind cool. was editor new england review who noted other day that he wished had poems about things like soap. everyday things. really happen. s sort what based lot emotional gymnastics show how missing sock can be relevant or emblematic life in general. find interesting worthy device poem. but. executed with such poor handling almost unreadable. interest physical object its metaphorical relevance mangled by lines superfluous sentiment weak language bad meter rhyme. if we took every line basically just string abstractions d left only last line. say try again. time bathos. sorry t positive. all same chance read respond. -hannah 83381 re valentines day poem rick lobes hi jordan knowing today is valentine's originally the roman feast of lupercalia a celebration fertility. in 270 a.d. holiday was christianized and date changed from february 15 to 14 commemorate martyred saint valentine. by late middle ages modern tradition exchanging paper love declarations called 'valentines' evolved. i am probably last person be able point out good or bad on this site. but one bit childish for me. it actually sounds like something might write. thanks read. know it's little off topic i'd share my with you all. hearts roses kisses galore... what hell that schtuff people get mushy start acting queer definitely most annoying year. needs over pass. before shove dozen up cupid's ass. i'll spend so drunk can't speak wear all black rest week. guys act sweet soon will fade... they are doing trying laid. arrow cupid shot at me must not have hit because think bunch . there's story... can say... bites ass... screw 83382 re wifely duty jables hannah thanks for the in-depth crit. it's greatly appreciated. i wasn' familiar with h.d.'s helen so will definitely look that up. i've revised this slightly since posting it here. begin think of a woman . don't want title to be such an obvious metaphor like originally was. any suggestions work on awkward line you pointed out. jables- confess. saw earlier version in which ploy poem was much more transparent rather than watch change makes trope bit coy yes but s harder as reader understand what is now. before seemed clear endure and thing eventually became no longer worthy endeavor at all. something word changes suggest sort distanced speaker moment figure out exactly olive represent. case still enough her own pleasure plucked space imagination longing. vast between could intriguing. would consider keeping either find another or once again. two seem repeat one where really not necessary i.e. they both continuity if quite same way its form extremely closing eye block sun continually refers sure. she needs close order use m sure written clearly. hands vs hand does need hold aloft nice breaks. well-done metaphor. pretty works me. slight nicely crafted piece overall. -hannah 83383 roadrunner love pic christopher t george to doug at naturesongs.com i freeze in pajamas my baltimore computer room listening the soft coo of a mourning dove dry creek bed agua fria river near bloody basin yavapai county arizona. an inca scardafella coos oh no verde valley arizona sounds above stacks books plastic prescription bottles union jack mug tea that says 'allo luv sly cuckoo chapparal hunter lizards snakes bird's eggs rodents clatter-chats bill chatter or like carries home lizard as offering his t. 83384 re a love-letter for camille pic christopher t george clay comes alive when you touch and in the figures of poet word turns to flesh ruby muse making art love lyrical like light on stained-glass figurines cut by those aqua-marine eyes that reflect unbeveled crystal-vision prodigal provencial protegee carpenter-city-child with heart hugo heat van gogh divinity michelangelo reached above dust offered velvet locks upon wheel doing saved rusting sun from setting too soon has given old man rodin new wings belle de la lune beauty moon mad compassion mud so it can be just once great warm white wind sistine fingers lingering all around but why must night descent turn starless relish ragingly refuse wane phase into black moons affronted critics say delusions medea eclipsed madonna's claim yet see again how still patience providence cold fever broken she melts marble hi mv thanks this gift valentine's day well-written interweaving imagery artists nicely done throughout. good work one best piece i have seen you. my chris 83385 re valentines day poem michael mv at christmas it's a scrooge what to term it v-day the does february or maybe undoes turning v on its head 83386 o my luve's like a red rose gary b on the streets of capital kingdom one true prophet bands truest believers have banned robbie s rose. every other color rainbow but for sale - george w texas yellow ribbon symbol our troops homeland security orange green over-hyped saint eco-lovers wasabi coalition is pink allowed or does need to be hung by its thorns and drained until it too pale white blood innocents should most acceptable all black appropriate. relating news story at http news.yahoo.com tmpl u nm 20050213 od_nm saudi_valentines_dc about committee promotion virtue prevention vice wahhabi religious police checking flower shops several times day make sure they are not selling roses valentine day. williams carlos was wrong. there ideas outside things. things only that soul faith. title first line robert burn famous poem. 83388 re pruning of a woman christopher t george i'm fighting the mad desire to write ode snowdrop so spring images are slipping into everything i no matter how heavy subject matter. i've been working on this one for quite while and it just isn't getting it. any suggestions her breasts nourished son daughter spilled from gowns romance covers. doctor tells he will remove as if is diseased branch that needs be pruned an otherwise healthy tree. but body not sprout new breast next spring. when she asks there some less radical way best was arborist who pollarded trees last fall they would grow more vigorously chest leafy green even his judicious may give enough years see own. writes letters in case still alive can read. do enlarge your letter because fears enhancements have cost own perhaps life gel oozed them like lethal dose herbicide. today went check-up. told prune other breast. symmetrical again once pre-woman flat without promise growth. hi katelyn part problem title opening stanza lines 3 announce what poem about you lose impact powerful ending might have. hand nice did game away devastating. fact good thoughtfulness writing throughout piece which makes me think much done make absolutely dynamite work. luck rewrite. all my chris 83389 re roadrunner love michael mv hi ctg. how about one coo i suggest keeping clatter-chats a bill chatter or coos like dove the last stanza my fav 83390 re o my luve's like a red rose christopher t george on the streets of capital kingdom one true prophet bands truest believers have banned robbie s rose. every other color rainbow but for sale - w texas yellow ribbon symbol our troops homeland security orange green over-hyped saint eco-lovers wasabi coalition is pink allowed or does need to be hung by its thorns and drained until it too pale white blood innocents should most acceptable all black appropriate. relating news story at http news.yahoo.com tmpl u nm 20050213 od_nm saudi_valentines_dc about committee promotion virtue prevention vice wahhabi religious police checking flower shops several times day make sure they are not selling roses valentine day. williams carlos was wrong. there ideas outside things. things only that soul faith. title first line robert burn famous poem. hi gary an astonishing even alarming out saudi arabia thanks sharing with us. this timely provocative piece well crafted you as poet riffing off arabia. unfortunately so very fits current clash cultures in middle east u.s. has exacerbated intervention iraq. utilize good imagery cultural references throughout. nice allusion burns's poem too. fine work best chris 83391 re roadrunner love christopher t george hi ctg. how about one coo i suggest keeping clatter-chats a bill chatter or coos like dove the last stanza my fav mv thanks chris 83393 widowed bowen i didn't think of you today. carried a basket apples to the kitchen peeled their flesh length my arm. water boiled and dropped in watched them detach themselves from cores. it's bit like dying found myself saying never thinking only apples. turned as white winter. all across orchard lay roundness beetles. each night fox comes for me. he waits at gate- folded road. knows light sauce i'll pour on way he'll eat apple heart. 83395 zero a love poem si mon the history of means nothing to us. o small circle sunya. i kiss your simple absolute. why not. we are not in love. place our supposes is null void vacuum. at best less than one. before man discovered he had repeat symbols over and over. let me fondle empty placeholder. time will trifle. infinity another mere oh. 83396 re widowed hannah ash- hands-down my favorite piece of yours in recent memory. and may i take a moment to say that watching your work evolve improve over the last many months has been source much pleasure. would suggest only two lines s1 are somewhat awkward. is he peeling flesh or skin subtle difference m sure . something awkward length arm. no suggestions on how fix it just hoping you ll revisit. alter as follows all across orchard apples lie like roundness beetles. movement present tense good think. reconsideration line-break. not particularly sold comma but additional enforced pause. this fine poem estimation. made me think thomas fern hill which begins with being easy under apple boughs foxes hills barked clear cold. maybe lorca s want sleep apples. nicely done. -hannah 83397 mock moon laurel it is not the i tell you. --louise gluck review was never itself. always a symbol for something else. wound sky sliced by knife hiding behind night grin lopsided too thin and wide leer ogling through window. yes mouth eye. hip thigh. wanton smile. nevertheless woman who can't extract man fetaled inside her closed circle. now he sees. spies despises as mother wife. so beautiful remote white. looked upon but untouchable. scythe cruelly curved harvest. she can t gut herself regardless of how contorts writhes. moan control rues. sigh moan. sign moon. what s that smell scent mourning misspelled stink sweat sting faux citrus. 83398 dust bowl poet at age 70 sbern mother mae said uncle bill wrote an epitaph on the foot of my homemade baby bed-- it honored irish by name william yeats-- i was two. sent me out to play gallop-horse ride a tattle-stick hickory with yellow knots and kitchen rags for mane tail-- four. past grove cottonwoods canter lope our leaps left-off high-- unfinished in summer air. one day seventeen knew all came clear mizzling rain-- as yeats too would die seventy-third year. uncle's stories aspired life live atop hills higher than mother's songs claimed spring drink towers climb. two harmony told tamburlaines called crippled those who flailed cuchulains how men usually end flot dabby lolly-gags red-dirt-poor blinky milk find loaves grit heaps-o-flys lay their eggs innocence dies boys drop down eat lives sand maggot-pies. evening's rush winds from mexico tomato pea sauerkraut cans bounce against sycamore tree. oh we loved more hide seek--for away come maggies smell minnows water wells turn ragged seat model t sultan's velvet couch-- hands touch tartar peeks giggle- fuzz bring syrup inside cloven peach. yesterday alone passed grave ben bulben hill-- like have only thousand days left fill. 83399 re mock moon sbern the definitive 'moon' poem. oh there will others who define other have defined moon-- but i say this lies sure and authentic under any woman's pillow. energy delighted it is not tell you. --louise gluck review was never itself. always a symbol for something else. wound sky sliced by knife hiding behind night grin lopsided too thin wide leer ogling through window. yes mouth eye. hip thigh. wanton smile. nevertheless woman can't extract man fetaled inside her closed circle. now he sees. spies despises as mother wife. so beautiful remote white. looked upon untouchable. scythe cruelly curved harvest. she can t gut herself regardless of how contorts writhes. moan control rues. sigh moan. sign moon. what s that smell scent mourning misspelled stink sweat sting faux citrus. 83400 re dust bowl poet at age 70 si mon love it -- read all the way through if i were in a less chocolatey mood might protest waggity wag of 6th stanza. but i'm dreaming my wife lace and so will let you go go. still really did enjoy mother mae said uncle bill wrote an epitaph on foot homemade baby bed-- honored irish by name william yeats-- was two. sent me out to play gallop-horse ride tattle-stick hickory with yellow knots kitchen rags for mane tail-- four. past grove cottonwoods canter lope our leaps left-off high-- unfinished summer air. one day seventeen knew came clear mizzling rain-- as yeats too would die seventy-third year. uncle's stories aspired life live atop hills higher than mother's songs claimed spring drink towers climb. two harmony told tamburlaines called crippled those who flailed cuchulains how men usually end flot dabby lolly-gags red-dirt-poor blinky milk find loaves grit heaps-o-flys lay their eggs innocence dies boys drop down eat lives sand maggot-pies. evening's rush winds from mexico tomato pea sauerkraut cans bounce against sycamore tree. oh we loved more hide seek--for away come maggies smell minnows water wells turn ragged seat model t sultan's velvet couch-- hands touch tartar peeks giggle- fuzz bring syrup inside cloven peach. yesterday alone passed grave ben bulben hill-- like have only thousand days left fill. sbern 83401 re widowed sbern the apple as objective correlative is nice and will suffice... delighted 83402 re widowed bowen hannah thanks for the comments and compliments. they are much appreciated. i agree that my work has definitely evolved i'm thrilled you think it improved. i've come to a place where want get right rather than down does make sense . instead of riffing use extended metaphor drop straight narrative which is hold-over from wayward days as fiction-writer set out mood. probably doesn't hurt been studying poetry these not just reading it. now so hung up on tess gallagher. again. will look at s1 best ash ash- hands-down favorite piece yours in recent memory. may take moment say watching your evolve improve over last many months source pleasure. would suggest only two lines somewhat awkward. he peeling flesh or skin subtle difference m sure something awkward length arm. no suggestions how fix hoping ll revisit. alter follows all across orchard apples lie like roundness beetles. movement present tense good think. reconsideration line-break. particularly sold comma but additional enforced pause. this fine poem estimation. made me thomas fern hill begins with being easy under apple boughs foxes hills barked clear cold. maybe lorca s sleep apples. nicely done. -hannah 83403 re widowed bowen thanks. i hope we think it's the same objective correlative for thing. lol ash p.s. but what about fox apple as is nice and will suffice... delighted sbern 83404 re mock moon si mon of course i had to rewrite you -- the line breaks are now messed up. took out some stuff. left all good stuff most it. just for your amusement it is not tell you. --louise gluck review itself. a symbol something else. wound sky sliced by hidden knife grin lopsided too thin and wide ogling through window. yes mouth eye. hip thigh. yes. nevertheless woman who can't extract man inside her closed circle. he sees. spies despises as mother wife. so beautiful remote white. looked upon untouchable. scythe cruelly curved harvest. moan she can t control rues. sigh moan. moon. what s that smell scent mourning misspelled stink sweat sting faux citrus. 83405 re mock moon bowen laurel once again you dress to impress. i like this. can't say that love it yet. think it's a little sluggish at first the second line and then rips out of gate. but by end had me sold. when saw smell thought we were headed woman's armpit its halfmoon so glad didn't. maybe do it. smile nice work. ash is not tell you. --louise gluck review was never itself. always symbol for something else. wound sky sliced knife hiding behind night grin lopsided too thin wide leer ogling through window. yes mouth eye. hip thigh. wanton smile. nevertheless woman who extract man fetaled inside her closed circle. now he sees. spies despises as mother wife. beautiful remote white. looked upon untouchable. scythe cruelly curved harvest. she can t gut herself regardless how contorts writhes. moan control rues. sigh moan. sign moon. what s scent mourning misspelled stink sweat sting faux citrus. 83406 prose poem asher he annunciates om over a cell phone. there is home where going to. last call to be unconceieved possible parable in the way that writing can reveal--if it reveal locale. we believe everyone home. for bus windsor on. memoriam i was unborn naked belove conceal--if some homing instinct would enough. church tonight. tells me already christ dyes his house daily. on memory of namgyal and her tibetan bells if reenactment past re exploring bodice suit or sole indisputable her-- multiple entrances assertion anchors us are ample pews succumb hearth unearth person desert dye crimson. you possess acute ears walls collapse hallways when ear canal meets place don t even know your name anymore now have mercy upon --an orthodox prayer--or fragments one. disappearing at age 30. calls need four terror affection. forgive . preface but de scribe linguistically impaired instance slight tour consider how comforting take road from nowhere nowhere. pakistan canada. miscommunicate with fifth wall. wall tries unhelm tonight went half an hour early because comforting--now this no one nothing exists could mean arrival space kill you. language languish. come meant arrive here. unarrived rooftops pleiades rotting--a peach wicker table. what act once wrote seed pulped prescience burning. were high still dreamed wheat bright saskatoon as though weren train headed saskatoon. give without being homed raw arrive. walls. five not listening phone gets buried by four. geometrical answer framing missing roots. languish never english protruding beam said sanguine. cave remain unmoored. 83407 re widowed laurel ash i didn't want to mess with this much so here's my slight edit think of you today. carried a basket apples the kitchen peeled their skin in single strands length arm. when water boiled and dropped watched them detach themselves from cores. turned as white winter. all across orchard lay like roundness beetles. each night fox comes for me. he waits at gate-folded road. knows light sauce i'll pour over apples. how he'll eat apple heart. mostly wanted that first line have itself. it's such fine solid line. reader found it muddied by carried. removed about dying poem. poem already implies need not be said. is really ash. reminds me very lucille clifton's poems---have read i'm huge fan her work but oh poems are swell close done. if revise proceed carefully. smile mind ibpc quite good. 83408 re prose poem asher he annunciates om over a cell phone. there is home where going to. last call to be unconceieved possible parable in the way that writing can reveal-- if it reveal locale. we believe everyone home. for bus windsor on. memoriam i was unborn naked belove conceal--if some homing instinct would enough. church tonight. tells me already christ dyes his house daily. on memory of namgyal and her tibetan bells reenactment past exploring bodice suit or sole indisputable but multiple entrances assertion anchors us are ample pews succumb hearth unearth person desert dye crimson. you possess acute ears walls collapse hallways when ear canal meets place don t even know your name anymore now have mercy upon --an orthodox prayer--or fragments one. disappearing at age 30. calls need four terror affection forgive . preface de scribe linguistically impaired instance slight detour consider how comforting take road from nowhere nowhere. pakistan canada. miscommunicate with fifth wall. wall tries unhelm tonight went half an hour early because comforting--now this no one nothing exists could mean arrival space kill you. language languish. come meant arrive here. unarrived rooftops pleiades rotting--a peach wicker table. what act once wrote seed pulped prescience burning. were high still dreamt wheat bright saskatoon as though weren train headed saskatoon. give without being homed raw arrive. walls. five not listening phone gets buried by four. geometrical answer framing missing roots. my case languish never english protruding beam said sanguine. cave remain unmoored. 83409 re zero a love poem laurel in time our will trifle. oh my but i like that line. nifty zola. haven't you written before no...that was an x wasn't it x's and o's. it's valentine's day i'm valentineless as usual. allow me this tiny moment of self-pity woe. grin your jim. wish to hell someone would write one. hey gonna ibpc okay the history means nothing us. o small circle sunya. kiss simple absolute. why not. we are not love. place supposes is null void vacuum. at best less than man discovered he had repeat symbols over over. let fondle empty placeholder. infinity another mere oh. 83410 re prose poem asher he annunciates om over a cell phone. there is home where going to as soon finds his way out of om. last call be unconceieved possible parable in the that languish can reveal-- if it reveal locale. we believe everyone hybrid language canada. are home. --the exercises this society wou'd lectures on english tongue essays nature original usage authorities and differences words propriesty purity cadence stile politeness manner writing reflections corrections erroneous customs words...in short every thing appear necessary bringing our due perfection...to banish other tongues whose ambition known tho' by their folly. for bus windsor on. memoriam i was unborn naked anguish belove conceal--if some homing instinct would enough. church tonight. tells me already christ dyes house daily. memory namgyal her tibetan bells reenactment past exploring bodice suit previous love karma kagu lineage or sole indisputable but multiple entrances assertion anchors us ample pews succumb hearth unearth person desert dye crimson. from goa . you possess acute ears walls collapse hallways when ear canal meets place don t even know your name anymore now have mercy upon --an orthodox prayer--or fragments one. disappearing at age 30. calls need four terror affection forgive preface de scribe linguistically impaired instance slight detour consider how comforting take road nowhere nowhere. pakistan miscommunicate. wall try unhelm tonight went half an hour early because comforting--now no one nothing exists could mean arrival wall. space kill you. languish. come meant arrive here. unarrived rooftops pleiades rotting--a peach wicker table. what act once wrote seed pulped with prescience burning. were high still dreamt wheat bright saskatoon though weren train headed saskatoon. hope perhaps regulate blood. coagulate. give without being homed raw arrive. walls. five not listening phone fifth gets buried four. geometrical answer framing missing roots. my case never protruding beam said sanguine. cave remain unmoored. --but direct signification expression which speaking sense like truth sullen same ever will so soever 'tis express'd. 83411 re dust bowl poet at age 70 slosh i relate completely on the thousand days or in my case daze this is what came to poetry forums find-- was as yousay de-light-ful mother mae said uncle bill wrote an epitaph foot of homemade baby bed-- it honored irish by name william yeats-- two. sent me out play gallop-horse ride a tattle-stick hickory with yellow knots and kitchen rags for mane tail-- four. past grove cottonwoods canter lope our leaps left-off high-- unfinished summer air. one day seventeen knew all clear mizzling rain-- yeats too would die seventy-third year. uncle's stories aspired life live atop hills higher than mother's songs claimed spring drink towers climb. two harmony told tamburlaines called crippled those who flailed cuchulains how men usually end flot dabby lolly-gags red-dirt-poor blinky milk find loaves grit heaps-o-flys lay their eggs innocence dies boys drop down eat lives sand maggot-pies. evening's rush winds from mexico tomato pea sauerkraut cans bounce against sycamore tree. oh we loved more hide seek--for away come maggies smell minnows water wells turn ragged seat model t sultan's velvet couch-- hands touch tartar peeks giggle- fuzz bring syrup inside cloven peach. yesterday alone passed grave ben bulben hill-- like have only left fill. sbern 83412 what i know of man slosh let s blame it on rope. that having two ends makes a courtesy our part to pull both. and so goes we heave strain see you diminish. your knuckles whiten understand must harder one day with stretch will stand back back. 83413 re zero a love poem cyocom hello si mon i feel like your needs to be trimmed more. as an example the place our supposes is null void vacuum. do you really need three words meaning essentially same thing nio 83414 re mock moon asher brilliant laurel. ag the definitive 'moon' poem. oh there will others who define other have defined moon-- but i say this lies sure and authentic under any woman's pillow. energy delighted sbern 83415 re widowed bowen laurel i questioned and still question the need for dying line. something about it feels right tells me what you just said. will proceed with caution in revising know how am that . thanks read comments. much appreciated. can ibpc if want giving my aw shucks face ash didn't to mess this so here's slight edit think of today. carried a basket apples kitchen peeled their skin single strands length arm. when water boiled dropped watched them detach themselves from cores. turned as white winter. all across orchard lay like roundness beetles. each night fox comes me. he waits at gate-folded road. knows light sauce i'll pour over apples. he'll eat apple heart. mostly wanted first line have itself. it's such fine solid reader found muddied by carried. removed poem. poem already implies not be is really ash. reminds very lucille clifton's poems---have i'm huge fan her work but oh poems are swell close done. revise carefully. smile mind quite good. 83416 re dust bowl poet at age 70 sbern i'm another time --- poetry belongs to the young. thanks 83417 re dust bowl poet at age 70 bern lied-- he's really 71 years old dear fellow timer-- thanks. i should say 'dear' timer. sb 83418 not that it matters much sbern sb 83419 re what i know of man michael mv might consider as with a stretch we will stand back to 83420 tending to change settlements frequently jude goodwin here's my face it's sleeping. do you gaze lovingly are cheeks pink like valentines oh the dreams drag across these breasts a filthy blanket locked by fist at your mouth. mouth unmoving doesn't smile. bed is stone you've carved me this pressed all love in kneading of clay. course i have no idea. morning i'll jump up and be whomever am. when cry pain tearing away wonder that consider crawling back into stiff forms art slather myself again with mud dry porcelain - but i'm fickle guess cruel peregrine black things unowned. 83421 re what i know of man jude goodwin let s blame it on rope. that having two ends makes a courtesy our part to pull both. and so goes we heave strain see you diminish. your knuckles whiten understand must harder one day with stretch will stand back back. i'm trouble phrases like very cliche they seem flat without life can the poet share more experience this even its moralistic stance think be touched by some kind imagery - descriptive please. excellent title 'man' is he not at least in my case yrs 83422 re widowed jude goodwin i didn't think of you today. carried a basket apples to the kitchen peeled their flesh length my arm. maybe try moving first phrase end this verse as in you. water boiled and dropped watched them detach themselves from cores. it's bit like dying found repeat 'apples' while needed here seems redundant. is there better way myself saying never thinking only apples. turned white winter. all across orchard nice lay roundness beetles. each night fox comes for me. he waits at gate- folded road. knows light hmmmm - beetles round yes not or 'apples on ground ok im done now sauce i'll pour he'll eat apple heart. return. but still too many representing lonliness fussy last line. some sentiments ash though me somehow repeating detracts hope useful 83423 valentine's day joyce garza memories of mine by it's been so long now since you went away. why couldn't he let stay through the times we shared i never told cared. too late. have nothing to do but leave it fate. angel please my side. this pain and sadness can no longer hold inside. sorry assumed you'd always be there. pray god that soon we'll together. if had would left me behind. took away before your time. for what was not who committed crime. 83424 re zero a love poem si mon thanks laurel -- about my x once long ago michele boyd remember her was defacto editor...she would gather poems and arrange them in folders such. she noted that i had with title for every letter of the alphabet except so course waas forced to write an poem. valentine's day have tradition started 8 year old daughter just last year. gave one rose this two by time is 18 will give dozen after told it's up other men. hope you are well our trifle. oh but like line. nifty zola. haven't written before no...that wasn't it x's o's. i'm valentineless as usual. allow me tiny moment self-pity woe. grin your jim. wish hell someone one. hey gonna ibpc okay 83425 re zero a love poem si mon you are right -- i don't. thanks s. hello feel like your needs to be trimmed more. as an example the place our supposes do really need three words meaning essentially same thing nio 83426 re on looking back at the last year or two david ayers hey thanks. you've given me a lot of ideas about what to do with the. this is probably good start. there an ephemeral sinking like one sought after. oh plane was meant be airplace but i can see that it again really isn't tethered anywhere. between iss and its i've left too much undefined even for me. --d 83427 stalking the famous poet of mere being david ayers wind moves slowly in branches. bird's fire-fangled feathers dangle down. later on a box holds up ground. woman moans it. she takes weeks to rescue. i am her tormentor. say one million phone. have drugged and breathing onto small breasts. it is serious business. no listens. there around. noise. anything can happen. see faint cries makes shake out from tube my hand. this hollow reed rubber hose. breaths through thin rod. how we communicate. want buy bird pretty like back book wallace stevens palm at end mind. she'll love i'll read slow deliberate. make tiny holes. me all time. we'll 83428 re widowed bowen jude wasn't it donny osmond who sang one bad apple don't spoil the whole bunch lol will consider what you said. i was hoping fox a metaphor for grief but knows. maybe it's husband. wonder if should make that last line how i'll eat my heart. thoughts thanks read. ash didn't think of today. carried basket apples to kitchen peeled their flesh length arm. try moving first phrase end this verse as in you. water boiled and dropped watched them detach themselves from cores. bit like dying found repeat 'apples' while needed here seems redundant. is there better way myself saying never thinking only apples. turned white winter. all across orchard nice lay roundness beetles. each night comes me. he waits at gate- folded road. knows light hmmmm - beetles round yes not or 'apples on ground ok im done now sauce pour he'll return. still too many representing lonliness fussy line. some sentiments though me somehow repeating detracts hope useful 83429 re tending to change settlements frequently bowen jude i'm not one do this usually but i have an edit for you. if remember my grammar rules you want stay in the subjective case after linking verbs so your whomever should be whoever. may wrong. someone else clarify. at any rate here's edit. face cheeks pink like valentines. oh dreams drag across these breasts mouth doesn't smile. bed is stone. press all love in. morning i'll and whoever am. when cry tearing consider crawling back into stiff forms of art slather myself again with dry porcelain - a cruel peregrine black things unowned. sold on think gets too talky places less might more. best ash 83430 re valentine's day colin powells miss garza--i thought this brilliant. i have no crits whatsoever. it is so blantantly a love poem that resists any sort of criticism. anything criticism think. the science not being poet harold bloom states could be misreading. but. sadly pathetic--that people possibly live their whole lives thinking such sentiment real blows my mind.but maybe you are lucky wish just fall in silly way without question. and then go through all drama do finally write about share with an equally pathetic world would buy sentiments cards. dunno. missed point. memories mine by joyce garza it's been long now since went away. why couldn't he let stay times we shared never told cared. too late. nothing to but leave fate. angel please side. pain sadness can longer hold inside. sorry assumed you'd always there. pray god soon we'll together. if had left me behind. took away before your time. for what was who committed crime. 83431 re stalking the famous poet of mere being hannah dear crocodile- i m starting from top down for a change mostly because this poem is here and pretty much adore it. not sure about title. actually that don t like other than have no actual input. surprise. as to content d say sort thing strikes me thoroughly modern linguistic aggression entrapment very aware its own problematization erotic exotic feminine yet unabashedly so almost exultingly places her in box beneath ground only access air communication thin reed between runs distance breadth them. redemption suppose able see position submission still one power. she makes reader want buy bird ll read slow deliberate how we communicate . it made think weird movie once saw called boxing helena but s another story. question then what does represent. course on literal level reads well enough. else tended recursively referring back text mechanism producing language itself particularly finer moments am tormentor. suspect there are plenty readings. or two others occur trying do better holding forth long amounts time my opinions larger work inside around stevens more wary extrapolate afternoon. while focuses you seem focus communicating moans phone listen noise cries emphasis idea expressed palm at end mind beyond last thought rises seems central both poems point nothingness edge lies just edge. where anagogical concerned with mortality maybe even an sublime which accessed via progress through abject yours stay space interests cannot quite decide means. if helps hurts. ambivalent lazy. perhaps will try altogether popular version critique something wow kewl. ciao -h 83432 re o my luve's like a red rose gary b smiles. hi an astonishing even alarming news story out of saudi arabia and thanks for sharing it with us. this is timely provocative piece well crafted you as the poet riffing off arabia. all unfortunately so very fits current clash cultures in middle east that u.s. has exacerbated intervention iraq. utilize good imagery cultural references throughout. nice allusion to robbie burns's poem too. fine work best chris 83433 re stalking the famous poet of mere being gary b fine. be pleased. and why change title thanks. wind moves slowly in branches. bird's fire-fangled feathers dangle down. later on a box holds up ground. woman moans it. she takes weeks to rescue. i am her tormentor. say one million phone. have drugged breathing onto small breasts. it is serious business. no listens. there around. noise. anything can happen. see faint cries makes shake out from tube my hand. this hollow reed rubber hose. breaths through thin rod. how we communicate. want buy bird pretty like back book wallace stevens palm at end mind. she'll love i'll read slow deliberate. make tiny holes. me all time. we'll 83434 re prose poem gary b three versions i am satisfied with this one and want at least person to tell you good job. thanks. he annunciates om over a cell phone. there is home where going to. last call be unconceieved possible parable in the way that writing can reveal--if it reveal locale. we believe everyone home. for bus windsor on. memoriam was unborn naked belove conceal--if some homing instinct would enough. church tonight. tells me already christ dyes his house daily. on memory of namgyal her tibetan bells if reenactment past exploring bodice suit or sole indisputable her-- multiple entrances assertion anchors us are ample pews succumb hearth unearth desert dye crimson. possess acute ears walls collapse hallways when ear canal meets place don t even know your name anymore now have mercy upon --an orthodox prayer--or fragments one. disappearing age 30. calls need four terror affection. forgive . preface but de scribe linguistically impaired instance slight tour consider how comforting take road from nowhere nowhere. pakistan canada. miscommunicate fifth wall. wall tries unhelm tonight went half an hour early because comforting--now no nothing exists could mean arrival space kill you. language languish. come meant arrive here. unarrived rooftops pleiades rotting--a peach wicker table. what act once wrote seed pulped prescience burning. were high still dreamed wheat bright saskatoon as though weren train headed saskatoon. give without being homed raw arrive. walls. five not listening phone gets buried by four. geometrical answer framing missing roots. languish never english protruding beam said sanguine. cave remain unmoored. 83435 re dust bowl poet at age 70 gary b the best of this wonder starts tamburlaines called crippled and ends cloven peach. heart to me. thanks. mother mae said uncle bill wrote an epitaph on foot my homemade baby bed-- it honored irish by name william yeats-- i was two. sent me out play gallop-horse ride a tattle-stick hickory with yellow knots kitchen rags for mane tail-- four. past grove cottonwoods canter lope our leaps left-off high-- unfinished in summer air. one day seventeen knew all came clear mizzling rain-- as yeats too would die seventy-third year. uncle's stories aspired life live atop hills higher than mother's songs claimed spring drink towers climb. two harmony told those who flailed cuchulains how men usually end flot dabby lolly-gags red-dirt-poor blinky milk find loaves grit heaps-o-flys lay their eggs innocence dies boys drop down eat lives sand maggot-pies. evening's rush winds from mexico tomato pea sauerkraut cans bounce against sycamore tree. oh we loved more hide seek--for away come maggies smell minnows water wells turn ragged seat model t sultan's velvet couch-- hands touch tartar peeks giggle- fuzz bring syrup inside yesterday alone passed grave ben bulben hill-- like have only thousand days left fill. sbern 83436 re stalking the famous poet of mere being david ayers hey thanks i thought maybe had lost it this time originally called kidnapped in my notebook but doubt that works either. although... actually met a kidnapper once. gary steven krist-- back 60s he an heiress and held her underground box while waiting for ransom. it's very weird story disturbing. anyway him at stepfather's friend's house one day because krist married guy's mom. here's link googled about case http www.webbsleuths.org dcforum dcforumid17 106.html uh i'm not sure if stevens hurts or helps appreciate these comments. think what intended with is there some form other. --d dear crocodile- m starting from top down change mostly poem here pretty much adore it. title. don t like other than have no actual input. surprise. as to content d say sort thing strikes me thoroughly modern linguistic aggression entrapment aware its own problematization erotic exotic feminine yet unabashedly so almost exultingly places beneath ground only access air communication thin reed between runs distance breadth them. redemption suppose able see position submission still power. she makes reader want buy bird ll read slow deliberate how we communicate . made movie once saw boxing helena s another story. question then does represent. course on literal level reads well enough. else tended recursively referring text mechanism producing language itself particularly finer moments am tormentor. suspect are plenty readings. two others occur trying do better holding forth long amounts opinions larger work inside around more wary extrapolate afternoon. focuses you seem focus communicating moans phone listen noise cries emphasis idea expressed palm end mind beyond last rises seems central both poems point nothingness edge lies just edge. where anagogical concerned mortality even sublime which accessed via progress through abject yours stay space interests cannot quite decide means. hurts. ambivalent lazy. perhaps will try altogether popular version critique something wow kewl. ciao -h 83437 revision si mon begin again. start in the middle part where you fall a muckety hole or love with love---confusing it yourself. break mirrors. cut off all offending limbs digits gerunds. neuter impunity. release relent relay. flick nipples at least once. say something outrageous then take back. by saying runny undercoat will peel. don't show surprise. use dictionary wisely. slam it. end should reverse bang implode. climb into empty skin look out. beginning is just throb. nevermind. happen doctor cliches confusion. send parts left over to irs. confusing middle. 83438 re stalking the famous poet of mere being si mon kewl pome -- i wanted it to end on holes. posted my revision poem before read this is a day for repetition repeat. day. cool poem. wind moves slowly in branches. bird's fire-fangled feathers dangle down. later box holds up ground. woman moans it. she takes weeks rescue. am her tormentor. say one million phone. have drugged and breathing onto small breasts. serious business. no listens. there around. noise. anything can happen. see faint cries makes shake out from tube hand. hollow reed rubber hose. breaths through thin rod. how we communicate. want buy bird pretty like back book wallace stevens palm at mind. she'll love i'll slow deliberate. make tiny me all time. we'll 83439 re stalking the famous poet of mere being david ayers gary thanks. i thought at first title might help cue read and maybe it does but seems a little unwieldy clumsy to me now. not. appreciate second opinion anyway gives more think about. --d fine. be pleased. why change 83440 re valentine's day hannah joyce- this poem may contain a heartfelt and sweet sentiment bring pleasure to one s friends family but i m think it fails as poem. the entire thing is giant repetition of reoccurring motif why couldn t fate god have allowed you stay done up in such motley assortment abstraction clich that wasn able extract single line enjoyed or found memorable. don say be unkind see much point being dishonest. need read lot more poetry try writing something just for fun doesn depend on convey its sense meaning purpose. then. could wrong. happens an awful -hannah 83441 re prose poem asher three versions i am satisfied with this one and want at least person to tell you good job. thanks. gary thanks gary--i have another version which sent off an editor. but hasn't accused me of being anti poetic or told write essays.or a was wanna be original poet. ha. the world poetry is politics. again it actually helps keep writing. 83442 re stalking the famous poet of mere being creole i read this board and never comment. time couldn't leave without saying is perhaps most living poem have in some time. its effect like a sweep wings that knocks me off my feet can hear heartbeat. that's connection. marvel--and hannah adore it. wind moves slowly branches. bird's fire-fangled feathers dangle down. later on box holds up ground. woman moans she takes weeks to rescue. am her tormentor. say one million phone. drugged breathing onto small breasts. it serious business. no listens. there around. noise. anything happen. see faint cries makes shake out from tube hand. hollow reed rubber hose. breaths through thin rod. how we communicate. want buy bird pretty back book wallace stevens palm at end mind. she'll love i'll slow deliberate. make tiny holes. all we'll 83443 re stalking the famous poet of mere being jude goodwin this is refreshing david in style and approach. course repeated phrases - why wait for a pantoum some other comments below have no idea what title means but hey so wind moves slowly branches. bird's fire-fangled feathers dangle down. italics it quote i like fangled later on box holds up ground. seems odd. from how does hold tried to visualize until read crit that suggested woman was totally lost moans it. she takes weeks rescue. am her tormentor. say one million phone. drugged breathing onto small breasts. serious business. listens. there around. noise. anything can happen. see faint cries makes shake out tube my hand. hollow reed rubber hose. breaths through thin rod. we communicate. want buy bird pretty back book wallace stevens palm at end mind. she'll love i'll slow deliberate. make tiny holes. me all time. we'll pure sweet although feel little squeamish now. rarely watch tv when did last month show with painted had each nostril made too. 83444 re mock moon michael mv consider open wound for something else. an the sky sliced esp liked looked upon but untouchable. and title yet might mocking or is that birds only 83445 re tending to change settlements frequently cyocom one of the things i think you could is title. if read it as an extension first line which poets often do then reads here's my face it's sleeping. not only does seem incoherent but there's a comma splice too. feel that lines poem should draw reader in without undue confusion. second section need rewrite this bed stone you've carved me like pressed all your love kneading clay. mixed metaphors little and stay with either carving or both. possibly bah-humbug approach valentine's day makes difficult for appreciate such heart-felt sentiments. noi 83446 re wonder rick lobes hi hannah thanks again for your comments. is this re-write any better forever learning -rick atop the avocado washing machine once interior fashion to get clothes clean somehow it does not hold as much did s been a part of our family since i was kid still very appealing these old eyes even than shinny new one that dries being maytag with no need replace just dust off what growing on top space held daughters pretty pink skirt next sons bloody blue baseball shirt while they were out spinning and rocking cleaning smelly grey stocking works my mind reminiscing problem m holding sock other missing rick- premise poem actually kind cool. think editor england review who noted day he wished had more poems about things like soap. everyday things. really happen. sort based lot emotional gymnastics show how can be relevant or indeed emblematic life in general. find interesting worthy device poem. but. executed such poor handling almost unreadable. interest physical object its metaphorical relevance mangled by many lines superfluous sentiment weak language bad meter rhyme. if we took every line basically string abstractions d left only last line. say try again. time less bathos. sorry t positive. thank you all same chance read respond. -hannah 83447 re what i know of man metz the first stanza is perfect. in fact wouldn't be inclined to change much anything except 1 white knuckles and so it goes can really backfire but here works well for me even though a short poem maybe because . 2 take out with stretch rope doesn't asking us an aside believe literally does throws dynamic into that disrupts entire matter-of-fact tone. blame they're back plenty don't go giving patently stretchy rope. you accomplish this same paradox pulling gets them farther away neatly see diminish -- let s on having two ends makes courtesy our part pull both. we heave strain diminish. your whiten understand must harder one day will stand back. 83448 re tending to change settlements frequently metz imagery -- from valentine suckling infant grim statuary peregrines black with things unowned whatever that means. it's one thing be fickle. another poetically careen. even within the artifact stone clay porcelain. if breasts blanket fist-at-mouth isn't intended addressed an you should rethink it. hard have those three together and not imply anything else. here's my face sleeping. do gaze lovingly are cheeks pink like valentines oh dreams drag across these a filthy locked by fist at your mouth. mouth unmoving doesn't smile. bed is you've carved me this pressed all love in kneading of clay. course i no idea. morning i'll jump up whomever am. when cry pain tearing away wonder consider crawling back into stiff forms art slather myself again mud dry porcelain - but i'm fickle guess cruel peregrine unowned. 83449 prose poem perhaps asher i went to the red mosque in delhi performed necessary ablution wudu rubbed my hands over top of head starting at forehead wiping backwards used wet fingers wiped inside and outside ears washed feet up ankles with right foot wore a piece white cotton carried koran around throat. began hallucinate regularly dreamed pithy aphorisms that would regulate pulse. prayed five times day new lahore saw djinn s banyan trees. djinns live edge city off bones. they possessed brain walked computer market stupefied. muhammad had them under his control. pakistan became jinnistan home fiery elementals. took mother tree by datta sabb after she sufi saint for her son well being. more thirsted see religion as form communal brainwashing. there were quests lay tangled gut hinged space until could vomit out or tether body. visited whorehouses bars museums books roots continually uproot moment sprouted air. muezzin walls polytheistic museum marble was looted so bought absent veena rajasthan . it this stage journey whole world been raped man. parents identity plundered left india flew canada. felt fakirs from kalandari sect who danders stick rattled like rainwater. one discern thunder though objects be squeezed into water. convinced myself alley where portal another worthy worship. laid kaladari banyan. freed netful quails which kept returning net. did understand quail seller family we paid him nickels people laughed when asked bullah shah lived he died 4 centuries ago soon found heritage lost dad mutated abraham old village jalandhar hallucinated dead brother. made connections narrated stories whittling bamboo pile slate is currently drinking water fire ravaged brother baked clay oven. door tried put hatchet through. before partition gratefully forgotten born india. father remains on hinge. can become anything have third 83450 re stalking the famous poet of mere being metz yeah go for it and ... if her horny feet protrude they come to show how cold she is dumb. -- stalker's sympathizer p.s. just excellent. you got a knack making me like kinda poems i don't like. wind moves slowly in branches. bird's fire-fangled feathers dangle down. later on box holds up ground. woman moans it. takes weeks rescue. am tormentor. say one million phone. have drugged breathing onto small breasts. serious business. no listens. there around. noise. anything can happen. see faint cries makes shake out from tube my hand. this hollow reed rubber hose. breaths through thin rod. we communicate. want buy bird pretty back book wallace stevens palm at end mind. she'll love i'll read slow deliberate. make tiny holes. all time. we'll 83451 whoo's womb metz whoo s nothing whets a warlock appetite like the modest bump and grind of bonneted milkmaid plump with child unless it broomstuck witch thin gravidity -- spectacle as ominous flibbertigibbet balloon lashed to hickory switch. danders november beldam more than dreams autumn come gone no demon lover among nettles her owl neglecting talon night scuttlers so feather its nest lay. 83452 re what i know of man slosh thats a good break-- thanks might consider as with stretch we will stand back to mv 83453 re what i know of man slosh funny but things cliche never bothers me have decided to lighten them in place whiten. this will add the load taken on side rope while he slacks off normal way man-- lol thanks let s blame it rope. that having two ends makes a courtesy our part pull both. and so goes we heave strain see you diminish. your knuckles whiten understand must harder one day with stretch stand back back. i'm trouble phrases like very they seem flat without life can poet share more experience even its moralistic stance think be touched by some kind imagery - descriptive please. excellent title 'man' is not at least my case yrs jude 83454 re what i know of man slosh points taken-- so have taken under advicement all three crits and came up with this 2nd draft-- 1st --draft your knuckles whiten understand that must pull harder one day a stretch we will stand back to back. lighten give 83455 re whoo's womb annmarie eldon i am so tempted to change that 'come' the other spelling - it must be lent. whoo s nothing whets a warlock appetite like modest bump and grind of bonneted milkmaid plump with child unless broomstuck witch thin gravidity -- spectacle as ominous flibbertigibbet balloon lashed hickory switch. danders november beldam more than dreams autumn come gone no demon lover among nettles her owl neglecting talon night scuttlers feather its nest lay. 83456 re prose poem perhaps annmarie eldon this is absolutely fantastic i hope after my first 'official' year to have the catholic equivalent - so far it eludes me. went red mosque in delhi performed necessary ablution wudu rubbed hands over top of head starting at forehead wiping backwards used wet fingers wiped inside and outside ears washed feet up ankles with right foot wore a piece white cotton carried koran around throat. began hallucinate regularly dreamed pithy aphorisms that would regulate pulse. prayed five times day new lahore saw djinn s banyan trees. djinns live edge city off bones. they possessed brain walked computer market stupefied. muhammad had them under his control. pakistan became jinnistan home fiery elementals. took mother tree by datta sabb she sufi saint for her son well being. more thirsted see religion as form communal brainwashing. there were quests lay tangled gut hinged space until could vomit out or tether body. visited whorehouses bars museums books roots continually uproot moment sprouted air. muezzin walls polytheistic museum marble was looted bought absent veena rajasthan . stage journey whole world been raped man. parents identity plundered left india flew canada. felt fakirs from kalandari sect who danders stick rattled like rainwater. one discern thunder though objects be squeezed into water. convinced myself alley where portal another worthy worship. laid kaladari banyan. freed netful quails which kept returning net. did understand quail seller family we paid him nickels people laughed when asked bullah shah lived he died 4 centuries ago soon found heritage lost dad mutated abraham old village jalandhar hallucinated dead brother. made connections narrated stories whittling bamboo pile slate currently drinking water fire ravaged brother baked clay oven. door tried put hatchet through. before partition gratefully forgotten born india. father remains on hinge. can become anything third 83457 re prose poem perhaps slosh the thing to remember is even needs be broke into manuscript format for page. isn t it better that you chose breaks but no matter this more work on presentation side i went red mosque in delhi performed necessary ablution wudu rubbed my hands over top of head starting at brow stroking backwards. used wet fingers wiped inside and outside both ears washed feet ankles right foot. a swatch white cotton worn carried koran around throat. began 83458 re stalking the famous poet of mere being david ayers kewl pome -- i wanted it to end on holes. posted my revision poem before read this is a day for repetition repeat. day. cool poem. hey thanks good --d 83459 re stalking the famous poet of mere being david ayers i read this board and never comment. time couldn't leave without saying is perhaps most living poem have in some time. its effect like a sweep wings that knocks me off my feet can hear heartbeat. that's connection. marvel--and hannah adore it. thank you. i'm glad piece made you want to --d 83460 re stalking the famous poet of mere being david ayers jude thank you. have no idea what this title means but hey so latter half and italicized lines at top are from a wallace stevens poem being. i normally indicate source material when use it here felt would been obtrusive. maybe not. agree it's sometimes frustrating to read passage not know for certain who wrote it. seems odd. later on how does hold up ground. tried visualize until crit that suggested woman was in box totally lost mm guess thought could be circular sense. or parabolic nonlinear. wouldn't clear necessarily which order events occur. even where. tend think 'in box'--that's visualize--mostly open interpretation. --d 83461 re stalking the famous poet of mere being david ayers hey that is quite a compliment. thank you. --d yeah go for it and ... if her horny feet protrude they come to show how cold she dumb. -- stalker's sympathizer p.s. just excellent. you got knack making me like kinda poems i don't like. 83462 re whoo's womb mike h i loved the language of this and found it intriguing - read two or three times with reward i'm very lazy so that's quite something whoo s nothing whets a warlock appetite like modest bump grind bonneted milkmaid plump child unless broomstuck witch thin gravidity -- spectacle as ominous flibbertigibbet balloon lashed to hickory switch. danders november beldam more than dreams autumn come gone no demon lover among nettles her owl neglecting talon night scuttlers feather its nest lay. 83463 roadkill mike h the neck unvital now only lolls ridiculous doubled back against a torso skeined with roadside sludge tongue too dry for grooming hangs obscene. fur flickers in wake of passing trucks. insulated my glass and metal haven i am shocked to come across thing so stopped. drive on relive glimpse wonder at its story. but fox is without allegory as car soul burdened by both shift gear change lanes put distance between me dead. 83464 beekeeper bowen if you'll indulge me i have two versions of this and i'd like input on which is better. they are short. he catches with the buzz his eyes. honey-sweet hands lay down their ache at night fold in code violence. porch boards creak beneath us when brings yellow-striped heart to me. search sun-dizzy clover for dust lips. knows my flower opens paradise sting. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 2 sting honeysuckle dreams. beat back lights nest thighs. afternoons lips cellophane wings heart. 83465 re prose poem perhaps asher thanks am and slosh. slosh--i was reluctent to post this because i consider it with poetic elements. am--thanks--i look forward read your imagined killing of the pope slip or something kill caliphs in my dreams all time. if weren't for dreaming we'd be cold blooded murderers - best went red mosque delhi performed necessary ablution wudu rubbed hands over top head starting at forehead wiping backwards used wet fingers wiped inside outside ears washed feet up ankles right foot wore a piece white cotton carried koran around throat. began hallucinate regularly dreamed pithy aphorisms that would regulate pulse. prayed five times day new lahore saw djinn s banyan trees. djinns live edge city off bones. they possessed brain walked computer market stupefied. muhammad had them under his control. pakistan became jinnistan home fiery elementals. took mother tree by datta sabb after she sufi saint her son well being. more thirsted see religion as form communal brainwashing. there were quests lay tangled gut hinged space until could vomit out tether body. visited whorehouses bars museums books roots continually uproot moment sprouted air. muezzin walls polytheistic museum marble looted so bought absent veena rajasthan . stage journey whole world been raped man. parents identity plundered left india flew canada. felt fakirs from kalandari sect who danders stick rattled like rainwater. one discern thunder though objects squeezed into water. convinced myself alley where portal another worthy worship. laid kaladari banyan. freed netful quails which kept returning net. did understand quail seller family we paid him nickels people laughed when asked bullah shah lived he died 4 centuries ago soon found heritage lost dad mutated abraham old village jalandhar hallucinated dead brother. made connections narrated stories whittling bamboo pile slate is currently drinking water fire ravaged brother baked clay oven. door tried put hatchet through. before partition gratefully forgotten born india. father remains on hinge. can become anything have third 83466 re mock moon merci beaucoup laurel tout le monde i hope you all know how much appreciate each of taking the time to read my poem and respond. thanks muchly blockers. 83467 re beekeeper asher bowen--there are fine elements in both i think. very much like fold me their code of violence aside from the strength image there interesting scientific connections to draw. however prefered last strophe second draft because you get across same point through sound syntax that became explicit for first. binary sting paradise is also more directed towards generating linguistic meaning whereas juxtaposition verb beat and delicacy cellophane wings polysyllabic yellow striped actually say by not being expicit imho. so personally prefer number 2 after importing stophe your first into second. definitely couplet structure engaging read. ag they short. he catches with buzz his eyes. honey-sweet hands lay down ache at night violence. porch boards creak beneath us when brings yellow-striped heart me. search sun-dizzy clover dust lips. knows my flower opens sting. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ honeysuckle dreams. back lights nest thighs. afternoons lips heart. 83468 re roadkill asher mike-- i thought strophe 1 was burderened with modifiers and tried slightly too hard to convey meaning imo. well a lot if you want honesty. lines like the tongue dry for grooming hangs obscene almost have gothic flavour which takes away from more realistic elements of poem. again in 2 verb choice shocked conveyed same sense straining effect my read is exact opposite--detract meaning. perhaps your aim shock. much how poem abstracts itself move out shock shifting gears. would try make that transition jarring by getting rid but or something. altering structure poetics some way. that's just take. all it could use pruning here there. thanks posting this piece. neck unvital now only lolls ridiculous doubled back against torso skeined roadside sludge obscene. fur flickers wake passing trucks. insulated glass metal haven am come across thing so stopped. drive on relive glimpse wonder at its story. fox without allegory as car soul burdened both shift gear change lanes put distance between me dead. 83469 re revision asher si mon-- i thought the revison was successful especially new structure you have it in. poem is filled with interesting turns and suprises. second to last strophe my personal favorite. surely should send this one out...ag begin again. start in middle part where fall a muckety hole or love love---confusing yourself. break mirrors. cut off all offending limbs digits gerunds. neuter impunity. release relent relay. flick nipples at least once. say something outrageous then take back. by saying runny undercoat will peel. don't show surprise. use dictionary wisely. slam it. end reverse bang implode. climb into empty skin look out. beginning just throb. nevermind. happen doctor cliches confusion. parts left over irs. confusing middle. 83470 re what i know of man asher slosh-- you killed the energy this one in revision my opinion. was discussing poem with someone and way that your final line twisted mind into its metaphorical connotation. we couldn't discern how could be back to back. that's why liked piece. agree pruning it here there but really don't have any advice on should go about doing without sacrificing an energetic first etc. a let s blame rope. having two ends makes courtesy our part pull both. so goes heave strain see diminish. knuckles whiten understand must harder day stretch will stand 83471 re beekeeper hannah ash- can i play mix-and-match first strophe from 2 second 1 third some combination of final strophe. think he knows my flower is a great line but dislike paradise his sting would prefer if you could somehow combine the with idea being heart-beaten although why she have at end bee-heart little confusing . in any case. cool lines here and fairly well sustained metaphor m not sure about porch boards creaking seems heavy bees are light dunno. very taut. thanks for posting. -hannah 83472 re prose poem perhaps bowen asher i tend to like poems but think this might need a little more polishing. is good---don't get me wrong. it skates closer my ear. there are lines that truly and amazingly poetic e.g. the koran around throat . so maybe dress up prosier elements or back off on poetics. way reads now doesn't succeed either level. can though once you decide what want be. great story work though. it. best a. went red mosque in delhi performed necessary ablution wudu rubbed hands over top of head starting at forehead wiping backwards used wet fingers wiped inside outside ears washed feet ankles with right foot wore piece white cotton carried throat. began hallucinate regularly dreamed pithy aphorisms would regulate pulse. prayed five times day new lahore saw djinn s banyan trees. djinns live edge city bones. they possessed brain walked computer market stupefied. muhammad had them under his control. pakistan became jinnistan home fiery elementals. took mother tree by datta sabb after she sufi saint for her son well being. thirsted see religion as form communal brainwashing. were quests lay tangled gut hinged space until could vomit out tether body. visited whorehouses bars museums books roots continually uproot moment sprouted air. muezzin walls polytheistic museum marble was looted bought absent veena rajasthan stage journey whole world been raped man. parents identity plundered left india flew canada. felt fakirs from kalandari sect who danders stick rattled rainwater. one discern thunder objects be squeezed into water. convinced myself alley where portal another worthy worship. laid kaladari banyan. freed netful quails which kept returning net. did understand quail seller family we paid him nickels people laughed when asked bullah shah lived he died 4 centuries ago soon found heritage lost dad mutated abraham old village jalandhar hallucinated dead brother. made connections narrated stories whittling bamboo pile slate currently drinking water fire ravaged brother baked clay oven. door tried put hatchet through. before partition gratefully forgotten born india. father remains hinge. become anything have third 83473 taken out of context see wolf laurel and i confess that became afraid very much afraid. whet it went all day long. the look in his eyes as he felt keen edge glared at me was positively carnivorous . three days rest adrift if sleep s death body a boat oarless whore to current. blessed are what had like men could be had. long weekend not unlike bereft fight spite silent surrender nods hello goodbye precise sealing door morning did spell right -- night our weak end. watch for squalls someone should have warned. would preferred longed for--slams slaps impact wood on flesh end voice keening why so altogether surprised when squall foretold smote fitting smitten from word go. him saw one might say drawn my red hood but only clawing surface. course we met woods. choose obvious metaphor apply forest. gulped contents basket raped old bait switch no-ed consent grandmothered bed. yes am knife never whetted me. writhed about curiosity this is who she is. meanwhile done nothing put hand upon arm squeeze. there been no wrenching or jerking lust ought sublimated nor denied heard murmur through clenched fangs. tried explain feared desire reminds too strongly rat trap ah you snapped spine frozen mechanism slobbered squeezed harder. once time onced uponed. worse smiled which kinder than lie they lived happily ever after. unsprung 1 0. epigram italicized text sea by jack london 83474 re roadkill hannah mike- strangely enough i was just chatting earlier today about stallings vulture road-kill poem so the subject is somewhat close to surface. while like last strophe of your well-written even if perhaps slightly unclarified have you truly earned assumption that a fox thing without allegory not this matters much it s good line didn t first two strophes. in found language overdone and missing fine pitch balance makes s3 readable. some word-choices seemed forced skeined for instance bit reach. tongue being too dry grooming grotesque yes but sure adds moment why does dead animal unsuited really matter choice complete those lines with abstractions ridiculous obscene decent elocution overall problem its inability simply draw scene allow alone do work painting something as obscene. continues into second which utterly superfluous. itself can isolate recreate concept shock disgust morbid fascination think saying bluntly man shocked disgusted morbidly fascinated going improve only here seems worth keeping reference story sets up surely be inserted pained relive glimpse wonder at third yes. me anyway. might consider car soul three started mess maybe possibly eep distance between dead. pulls better or more concise sense mortality . thanks posting giving opportunity read respond. -h 83475 re whoo's womb hannah metz- whoa. this is different for you. i think. m making evil presumptions. think it s gorgeous. ssh. don t use words like that. only thing that bothers me are the last two lines. took 5 minutes to unravel what you were actually saying so should fix them. not much convolution make syntax more transparent. something. -h 83476 re prose poem perhaps hannah asher- well i don t give a hoot about vs. poetry and who says what belongs on which side of whatever line is being drawn in the sand clouds or water. just care. some stuff. m going to hit directly course that clearly asking be called out. it was at this stage journey saw whole world had been raped by white man. itself have no problem with. mean do problems with but s for another time suspect. me structural way sticks out from poem. yes direct assault slap across face relevance part gears towards explains leads understanding one moment he searching through modern clues his own disavowed cultural heritage next asserted clever little line. two lines later we off something else. know. seems easy me. i.e. there struggle earn right speak make meaningful relevant. appears. sure you won agree. space now. so think. my favorite things time-lapse achronological sequencing bottom most apparent. think desirable useful technique illustrating not purely situational geographical chronological as well. when parents immigrate they leave absent themselves point time. an approximate gathering time-space while homeland proceeds along its culturally evolving path diaspora first second-generation immigrants can often caught disjunction between experience vicariously isolation interaction reality homeland. post-colonial theorists talk tendency diasporic communities more traditional rigid than certainly see immigrant populations main financial political support language religious revitalization movements. anyway estimation here ve ever seen approached concept chronology before would like explore that. lot reading order worth probably. particular recommend johannes fabian other if get somewhat dense theory found writing approach considering similar topic few years ago pretty much only him . also interesting narrator ability reconcile desire create uncreate separate destroy. roots continually uproot sprouted air. act separation culture home faith destructive force work dismantle cobble together sort frankenstein identity manipulate detour relevance. all tortured-soul routine common least continent where our social history revolves around immigration swallowing. haste resubstantiate affective rooting self inside continual suspect ethno-orientalism shrubs garden may pruned too closely cut deeply. freed quail still return net. alas. know why said alas good word sounded right. notion hallucination dreaming call suppose grounding revelatory signals departure any narrate real story further cemented find making up connections narrated stories opposed articulated performed story. acknowledgement might such thing better worrying potentially unearned become anything third body. physically spiritually transformative embracing betweenness interesting. fails obvious ploy transforming unsolid self. again isn clear enough running suggest clean your grammar syntax. believe every engage subversive syntax excuse using apostrophe indicate plural so. -h 83477 re beekeeper laurel i'll indulge you if you'll me. forgive me for being blunt as honest i know how to and always strive be okay honestly ash neither of these does anything the metaphor strikes entirely too forced. maybe it was diluted somewhat in a longer poem might able stomach it. but is drafts sings now feel lousy honest. gosh would hope that you'd prefer my honesty pat on head good job kind response. like your poetry respect enough give opinion. don't offended please smile only lines find compelling un-bee-ish that's problem....maybe it's just little bit beey are one about porch beating beneath speaker's back sans nest and... this which changed slightly at night his honeyed hands lay down their ache enfold code violence ya revised barn wedding into an almost different think what's called here. hey everyone else loves i'm wrong 99.9 time everything. grin so keep mind voice discontent. 83478 re stalking the famous poet of mere being laurel first i guess i'm going to have add wallace stevens my reading list--is author snowman poem you showed me eons and ago --because in love flatout with those fire-fangled feathers. since didn't credit epigram him googled that plumage found poem. it. ee posted over yonder too.... next glad as hell title this kidnapped not crazy about your current but is just plain bad. smile actually second half title---it's a steven's line ---would make better than bit...although does set up hmmmmm. what frontloading enclosing parentheses form repetition lines made think villanelle can't recall rules for form. only nit right now after few read-throughs wallace's name final stanza which keep tripping over. wouldn't book suffice kept wondering if was jorie. grin oh hey hannah wow kewl 83479 much in accord w laurel michael mv esp re the forced metaphor and this is actually my response to reading these earlier even before a thread had begun. honest opinion which happens be similiar that of another reader 83480 re roadkill laurel hi mike here's an edit for your consideration the neck lolls ridiculous doubled back against a carcass skeined with roadside sludge. tongue hangs obscene. fur flickers in wake of passing trucks. insulated metal and glass i am shocked to come across thing so stopped. yet drive on. fox is without allegory as car soul shift gears change lanes burdended by both. if you find my unhelpful intrusive or pick own word smile do toss it ps i'm hannah. last stanza's really good. 83481 uhoh hannah i almost typed in my bravest poke-david voice what you're taking the jorie thing to next level are you as first line of critique. didn't. but ha. love -polly 83482 re beekeeper bowen asher thanks for the read and comments. i appreciate them. best a. bowen--there are fine elements in both think. very much like fold me their code of violence aside from strength image there interesting scientific connections to draw. however prefered last strophe second draft because you get across same point through sound syntax that became explicit first. binary sting paradise is also more directed towards generating linguistic meaning whereas juxtaposition verb beat delicacy cellophane wings polysyllabic yellow striped actually say by not being expicit imho. so personally prefer number 2 after importing stophe your first into second. definitely couplet structure engaging read. ag 83483 half life asher he begins to forge--the bluest eye--to bore into the absence of white an optical blue allusion. his forced smile says i warn you am unstable. has a life. twinkies buried in nevada desert never turn over so goes urban myth passed on down turned twinkie is dream linguistic purist. holisms split tamil nadu. elephant struggles with bells around its neck while priest worships it sandalwood paste. -if want blessingful touch trunk give me father anthony struggling devil bomb suit. or cod. myths have shorter underneath earth. radio active sentence hydrogen . use eng lish love lish. your enemy best front. build temporary lean-to space until collapses shorten breath slightly feel heart pacer pace too quick. trip self daily up holism most obvious hole. thread frayed needle. these are some notes scribbles pad as leaps from canada india. begin again say ma kali wear skulls and chisel eyes when you're india--but not much that forget take off board plane back canada. both places. 83484 re beekeeper bowen hannah confession i always brace myself whenever see that you've commented on my stuff. smile know you have high standards and are never one to pussyfoot around which appreciate so i'm glad had some nice things say about this. i'll consider your suggestions of course as . thoughtful comments work. thanks again ash ash- can play mix-and-match first strophe from 2 second 1 third combination final strophe. think he knows flower is a great line but dislike paradise his sting would prefer if could somehow combine the with idea being heart-beaten although why she at end bee-heart little confusing in any case. cool lines here fairly well sustained metaphor m not sure porch boards creaking seems heavy bees light dunno. very taut. for posting. -hannah 83485 re beekeeper bowen and now i feel lousy for being honest. but gosh would hope that you'd prefer my honesty to a pat on the head good job ash kind of response. like your poetry respect it enough give you honest opinion. don't be offended okay please smile course not you've always have been suspect haven't in past. lip service notion workshop isn't beauty contest. rarely ever leave here thinking i've personally attacked or anything that. come away feeling everyone who read commented stuff is trying help me become better writer opposite. believe brutally has its pitfalls doesn't. try spare feelings about piece. want truth. only lines find compelling un-bee-ish maybe that's problem....maybe it's just little bit beey are one porch beating beneath speaker's back sans nest and... know. ya know how revised barn wedding poem into an almost entirely different think what's called here. god do i. okay. no harm foul. girlfriend this yesterday she thought so said should retitle honeyfucker. thanks toots. - 83486 re much in accord w laurel bowen mv thanks for the read and response. i appreciate your honesty. a. esp forced metaphor this is actually my response to reading these earlier even before a thread had begun. honest opinion which happens be similiar that of another reader 83487 re revision si mon thanks asher -- i am addicted to some would say do too much. have been going over old poems recently this was a reflection of that actually meant the two versions be read as one poem maybe is stretch. you seem fair bit revising yourself. again s. mon-- thought revison successful especially new structure it in. filled with interesting turns and suprises. second last strophe my personal favorite. surely should send out...ag begin again. start in middle 83488 the poem revised si mon line 1 yawns pulls covers off toes of 2. 3 never wakes. 4 pushes pencils up his nose. 5 finds nursery rhymes erotic. 6 looks at and laughs. 7 sucks life out 8. 9 waits to be cut. 83489 re prose poem perhaps asher hannah--thanks. i began this with the intension to write it in a romantic way as revised noticed that became more prosaic and allowed happen. particularily added parts ablution emphasize water fire theme notice after writing it. definitely agree you about unearned lines mulled over those very two lines...i was feeling slightly defiant getting threats my mail from another site. so whipped thing off just post somewhere else. then said--screw anyway i've been thinking dropping threads nowhere etc. particular wonder where how can be used advantage instead of detriment your apt example. thanks for time energy ideas reading suggestions regards this. best asher- well don t give hoot vs. poetry who says what belongs on which side whatever line is being drawn sand clouds or water. care. some stuff. m going hit directly course clearly asking called out. at stage journey saw whole world had raped by white man. itself have no problem with. mean do problems but s suspect. me structural sticks out poem. yes direct assault slap across face relevance part gears towards explains leads understanding one moment he searching through modern clues his own disavowed cultural heritage next asserted clever little line. later we something know. seems easy me. i.e. there struggle earn right speak make meaningful relevant. appears. sure won agree. space now. think. favorite things time-lapse achronological sequencing bottom most apparent. think desirable useful technique illustrating not purely situational geographical chronological well. when parents immigrate they leave absent themselves point time. an approximate gathering time-space while homeland proceeds along its culturally evolving path diaspora first second-generation immigrants often caught disjunction between experience vicariously isolation interaction reality homeland. post-colonial theorists talk tendency diasporic communities traditional rigid than certainly see immigrant populations main financial political support language religious revitalization movements. estimation here ve ever seen approached concept chronology before would like explore that. lot order worth probably. recommend johannes fabian other if get somewhat dense theory found approach considering similar topic few years ago pretty much only him . also interesting narrator ability reconcile desire create uncreate separate destroy. roots continually uproot sprouted air. act separation culture home faith destructive force work dismantle cobble together sort frankenstein identity manipulate detour relevance. all tortured-soul routine common least continent our social history revolves around immigration swallowing. haste resubstantiate affective rooting self inside continual suspect ethno-orientalism shrubs garden may pruned too closely cut deeply. freed quail still return net. alas. know why said alas good word sounded right. notion hallucination dreaming call suppose grounding revelatory signals departure any narrate real story further cemented find making up connections narrated stories opposed articulated performed story. acknowledgement might such better worrying potentially become anything third body. physically spiritually transformative embracing betweenness interesting. fails obvious ploy transforming unsolid self. again isn clear enough running suggest clean grammar syntax. believe every engage subversive syntax excuse using apostrophe indicate plural so. -h 83490 re prose poem perhaps asher bowen--i tend to agree with your genre accessment although i personally if can be frank don't that is so important. think political aethetic for the most part and writing even unintentionally skates along lines presents a problem critics who are obsessed diagnosing analyzing it etc. but after quick perusal through this piece began notice binaries such as fire water air quite easily untangled by anyway i'm babbling. thanks very much comments read best ag like poems might need little more polishing. good---don't get me wrong. closer my ear. there truly amazingly poetic e.g. koran around throat . maybe dress up prosier elements or back off on poetics. way reads now doesn't succeed either level. though once you decide what want be. great story work though. it. a. bowen 83491 re the poem revised michael mv is this what they mean by a line 1 yawns pulls covers off toes of 2. 3 never wakes. 4 pushes pencils up his nose then 5 finds nursery rhymes erotic. 6 looks at sleepy and laughs forgetes to say line. 7 sucks life out next 5. 13 waiting in be cutted or with 14th coupled. sonnet curtailed 83492 re whoo's womb laurel warlock from the old english for oath-breaker. hmmmm. beldam. that's a keeper. misread it as bedlam. then skip-to-my-looed over to freedictionary.com. and looked up flibbertigibbit sheer heck of while i was there. so beldam here is being used stand-in spinster or maid it's not specified such at freedictionary merriam's...yet what read into word. wonder if allowable. proof that everything really does sound better en francais. how combination belle dame came mean hag know this stretch but kept reading flibbertigibbet---fun damn word---strikes me dickensian---as fidgety. when up...well even though knew meant....i still left scratching my head. can't attach modifier means scatterbrained silly garrulous balloon try might. oh duh. nevermind. see mistake now. had type out definition it. glomming on scatterbrained. snuck right by me. malevolent--spelled wrong didn't --yet silly. gotcha. diction sonics are killer diller. love linebreak come. one those breaks causes whole poem wasn't written around smile don't know. kinda bums out. personal level mind you. guess reluctant feminist in bristling idea some geezer whetted---and ready tony randall anthony hopkins both fathered children their 60's 70's they la sans merci lover child--heck appetite. mouseless. worry. i'm shutting up....right about grin always good you mister metz. hey thanks whet . your first thing morning man did send off tangent. just lately i'll look any word big geek am stumbled onto great snippet sea wolf. running. so....thanks 83493 re-write wonder - now- atop the avocado rick lobes our old washing machine once inside fashion but always just green in family since i was a teen never failed to get everything clean still very appealing these eyes better than shinny new one that dries we boast mighty maytag replace as dust off what s growing on its space it held daughters pretty pink skirt next sons bloody blue baseball shirt while they were out late spinning and rocking cleaning my smelly grey stocking wasting time worried about missing find sock reminiscing 83494 re stalking the famous poet of mere being david ayers hiya yeah that is wallace stevens he also wrote sunday morning which still one my all-time favorite poems that's a good idea title with in parentheses i like it. it's funny you bring up form because someone else mentioned pantoum. this isn't but think repetition works similarly as those or villanelle. jorie lol what thought --d first guess i'm going to have add reading list--is author snowman poem showed me eons and ago --because love flatout fire-fangled feathers. since didn't credit epigram him googled plumage found poem. ee posted over yonder too.... next glad hell kidnapped not crazy about your current just plain bad. smile actually second half title---it's steven's line ---would make better than bit...although does set hmmmmm. frontloading enclosing lines made villanelle can't recall rules for form. only nit right now after few read-throughs wallace's name final stanza keep tripping over. wouldn't book suffice kept wondering if was jorie. grin oh hey hannah wow kewl laurel 83495 re taken out of context see wolf asher laurel--this is interesting especially with the subtext and whole gender issue in london man against nature. nature a force to be confronted tamed overcome. archetypal male journey self hood. this as much i recall from so that provided lens poem though it wrestles with. very apt title. woman always context--if we are her presumeably did then title detour or subversion london. please lose epigraphs keep but continue wonder why you choose frame your poetry epigraphs. get point better embedded body imho. some memorable lines here noteably whore current oar-like movement those lines.i'm reading romantic aethetic diction satirically intended not. phrases like bereft fight spite i'm seeing subversively attacking essentialist notions could misreading silent surrender make me think indeed clever ironic subversive piece writing. does turn perhaps into little red riding hood narrator telling reader obvious metaphor if she aware construction futhermore violence control dominance can never adequately expressed words. nice. lost at quite frankly meanwhile he had done nothing put his hand upon my arm squeeze. there been no wrenching jerking. -my only uponed--very clever. towrads end. ag confess became afraid afraid. whet went all day long. look eyes felt keen edge glared was positively carnivorous . three days rest adrift sleep s death boat oarless current. blessed what men had. long weekend not unlike nods hello goodbye precise sealing door morning spell right -- night our weak watch for squalls someone should have warned. would preferred longed for--slams slaps impact wood on flesh end voice keening altogether surprised when squall foretold smote fitting smitten word go. him saw one might say drawn clawing surface. course met woods. apply forest. gulped contents basket raped old bait switch no-ed consent grandmothered bed. yes am knife whetted me. writhed about curiosity who is. jerking lust ought sublimated nor denied heard murmur through clenched fangs. tried explain feared desire reminds too strongly rat trap ah snapped spine frozen mechanism slobbered squeezed harder. once time onced uponed. worse smiled which kinder than lie they lived happily ever after. unsprung 1 0. epigram italicized text sea by jack 83496 re the poem revised asher si mon--this is an engaging little piece. i like line 3 particularly never wakes and 6. thanks for posting this 1 yawns pulls covers off toes of 2. wakes. 4 pushes pencils up his nose. 5 finds nursery rhymes erotic. 6 looks at laughs. 7 sucks life out 8. 9 waits to be cut. 83497 re uhoh david ayers i almost typed in my bravest poke-david voice what you're taking the jorie thing to next level are you as first line of critique. didn't. but ha. love -polly ah hmm. that's a thought. don't think can catch poet after they're famous. or maybe can. dunno guess it depends on your view fame. although probably fame was not really critical this stalking. --d 83498 re re-write wonder - now- atop the avocado si mon yes -- but why i wonder. like whimsey felt it would read more natural with less end stops. and some of lines where a little forced think. below our old washing machine once inside fashion always just green didn't really get syntax fashion...seems to need punctuation or something maybe i'm slow this afternoon in family since was teen never failed everything clean still very appealing these eyes better than shinny new one that dries what oh see...kindof unclear you are talking about different we boast mighty maytag replace as dust off s growing on its space don't held daughters pretty pink skirt next sons bloody blue baseball shirt while they were out late spinning rocking cleaning my smelly grey stocking wasting time worried missing find sock reminiscing 83499 re half life si mon well you lost me at the twinkies...but just wanted to say that your writing for is always a learning experience. and that's what good poetry should be. i think could experiment more with varying line lengths spacing esp. in poem like this. he begins forge--the bluest eye--to bore into absence of white an optical blue allusion. his forced smile says warn am unstable. has life. twinkies buried nevada desert never turn over so goes urban myth passed on down turned twinkie dream linguistic purist. holisms split tamil nadu. elephant struggles bells around its neck while priest worships it sandalwood paste. -if want blessingful touch trunk give father anthony struggling devil bomb suit. or cod. myths have shorter underneath earth. radio active sentence hydrogen . use eng lish love lish. enemy best front. build temporary lean-to space until collapses shorten breath slightly feel heart pacer pace too quick. trip self daily up holism most obvious hole. thread frayed needle. these are some notes scribbles pad as leaps from canada india. begin again ma kali wear skulls chisel eyes when you're india--but not much forget take off board plane back canada. both places. 83500 re taken out of context see wolf si mon sometimes i am a broken record...mostly am. but would take all the self referencial...or references to process writing -- let poem stand on its own wobbly perhaps legs. sections suggest cut below. and confess that became afraid very much afraid. whet it went day long. look in his eyes as he felt keen edge glared at me was positively carnivorous . three days rest adrift if sleep s death body boat oarless whore current. blessed are what had like men could be had. long weekend not unlike bereft fight spite silent surrender nods hello goodbye precise sealing door morning did spell right night our weak end. watch for squalls someone should have warned. preferred longed for--slams slaps impact wood flesh end voice keening why so altogether surprised when squall foretold smote fitting smitten from word go. him saw one might say drawn my red hood only clawing surface. course we met woods. choose obvious metaphor apply forest. gulped contents basket raped old bait switch no-ed consent grandmothered bed. yes knife never whetted me. writhed about curiosity this is who she is. meanwhile done nothing put hand upon arm squeeze. there been no wrenching or jerking lust ought sublimated nor denied heard murmur through clenched fangs. tried explain feared desire reminds too strongly rat trap ah you snapped spine frozen mechanism slobbered squeezed harder. once time onced uponed. worse smiled which kinder than lie they lived happily ever after. unsprung 1 0. epigram italicized text sea by jack london 83501 re beekeeper si mon i much prefer the second version. if you'll indulge me have two versions of this and i'd like input on which is better. they are short. he catches with buzz his eyes. honey-sweet hands lay down their ache at night fold in code violence. porch boards creak beneath us when brings yellow-striped heart to me. search sun-dizzy clover for dust lips. knows my flower opens paradise sting. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 2 sting honeysuckle dreams. beat back lights nest thighs. afternoons lips cellophane wings heart. 83502 re beekeeper bowen i much prefer the second version. thanks for reading and commenting. appreciate it. a. 83503 revision jude goodwin tending to change settlements frequently here's my face it's sleeping. drag what dreams you must across these cheeks through the locks of your mouth and fist. unmoving cold our bed is stone. carve me form turn as will. at daybreak i'll emerge insensitive course. there'll be destruction. you'll cry tearing away. wonder that try crawl back gather remnant casings slather myself again with mud dry porcelain - but i'm fickle i guess a cruel peregrine black things unowned. --------------- thanks all who commented 83504 re half life asher thanks good sir. yes white space would help this for sure--as soon as i can figure out html. sorry to lose you at the twinkies. maybe last strophe helps a bit in constructing main themes of poem again. ag well lost me twinkies...but just wanted say that your writing is always learning experience. and that's what poetry should be. think could experiment more with varying line lengths spacing esp. like this. 83505 re roadkill michael mv i too found the 3rd stanza best but this is what perceived fox a creature with allegory car thing without soul i'm burdened by both shift gear change lanes put distance between me and dead. 83506 she was uncomfortable ... sbern pandora and a skunk sat on box-- the box thought stunk stunk. more than stunk-- no doubt about it. ap-mytho report february 16 2005 after 18 months of sitting lid black with captive for partner ms ellie said today her ass tired-- needed to get off. knew that weight held firmly in place-- if got off it had been warned an evil venomous nasty thing would happen--something jump out yell obscenities bring harm world. can't help whispered beautiul girl lifting one cheek from hard surface ebony mysterious box. at clamped his nose pin. raised other repeated but this time loud voice directed reporters gathered living room epimetheus' household where taken long residence scandalous 'broidered veil' affair which pandy played secondary significant role. i maybe i'll join gang web del sol giggling. flew open-- several things happened. is now regular contributor poetry site. two found nice quiet hollow stump south carolina. three-- dick cheney loosed upon world yelling obscenity release goes contempuous sneer free hand saying fuck yourself. 83507 news guy credit card viagra cards hgh affiliate program levitra penis merchant account cialis payment prozac weight 83508 re she was uncomfortable ... blanche balanshine pandora and a skunk sat on box-- the box thought stunk stunk. more than stunk-- no doubt about it. ap-mytho report february 16 2005 after 18 months of sitting lid black with captive for partner ms ellie said today her ass tired-- needed to get off. knew that weight held firmly in place-- if got off it had been warned an evil venomous nasty thing would happen--something jump out yell obscenities bring harm world. can't help whispered beautiul girl lifting one cheek from hard surface ebony mysterious box. at clamped his nose pin. raised other repeated but this time loud voice directed reporters gathered living room epimetheus' household where taken long residence scandalous 'broidered veil' affair which pandy played secondary significant role. i maybe i'll join gang web del sol giggling. flew open-- several things happened. is now regular contributor poetry site. two found nice quiet hollow stump south carolina. three-- dick cheney loosed upon world yelling obscenity release goes contempuous sneer free hand saying fuck yourself. sbern your highnesty what teresa expecting heinz say something all-emcompassing oh blimey holy shit must be friggin blind enchante mon senior 83509 re re-write wonder - now- atop the avocado rick lobes hi si mon thanks for comments maybe if i changed inside to sixties it would be a little clearer. as far space and spinning thing may have think more. again yes -- but why wonder. like whimsey felt read more natural with less end stops. some of lines where forced think. below 83510 re what i know of man slosh thanks for your take still have the original and am comparing two-- 83511 this is spam about bigger willys slosh and i never got to see an example 83512 re beekeeper barbara silberg i like s1 of 1 s2 s3 2 and s4 line with something else for the last line. don't honey-sweet or yellow-striped . first is too close to cliche' maybe honeyed hands instead second bothers my ear some reason. related an flower hope have been help. --barbara s. if you'll indulge me two versions this i'd input on which better. they are short. he catches buzz his eyes. lay down their ache at night fold in code violence. porch boards creak beneath us when brings heart me. search sun-dizzy clover dust lips. knows opens paradise sting. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ sting honeysuckle dreams. beat back lights nest thighs. afternoons lips cellophane wings heart. 83513 re whoo's womb barbara silberg i like everything but the title. not dark enough too cutesy. --barbara s. whoo s nothing whets a warlock appetite modest bump and grind of bonneted milkmaid plump with child unless it broomstuck witch thin gravidity -- spectacle as ominous flibbertigibbet balloon lashed to hickory switch. danders november beldam more than dreams autumn come gone no demon lover among nettles her owl neglecting talon night scuttlers so feather its nest lay. 83514 re she was uncomfortable ... slosh in south carolina so that's where the stump went is that three bends back from useless loop pandora and a skunk sat on box-- box thought stunk stunk. more than stunk-- no doubt about it. ap-mytho report february 16 2005 after 18 months of sitting lid black with captive for partner ms ellie said today her ass tired-- needed to get off. knew weight held firmly place-- if got off it had been warned an evil venomous nasty thing would happen--something jump out yell obscenities bring harm world. can't help whispered beautiul girl lifting one cheek hard surface ebony mysterious box. at clamped his nose pin. raised other repeated but this time loud voice directed reporters gathered living room epimetheus' household taken long residence scandalous 'broidered veil' affair which pandy played secondary significant role. i maybe i'll join gang web del sol giggling. flew open-- several things happened. now regular contributor poetry site. two found nice quiet hollow carolina. three-- dick cheney loosed upon world yelling obscenity release goes contempuous sneer free hand saying fuck yourself. sbern 83515 that first line is killing this slosh no matter what you write after i'm stuck on ---he catches me with the buzz of his eyes -- communication a sound coming from winking at thousand beats per second yes caught fast 83516 re beekeeper bowen barbara thanks for the read on this and your input. much appreciated. ash i like s1 of 1 s2 s3 2 s4 line with something else last line. don't honey-sweet or yellow-striped . first is too close to cliche' maybe honeyed hands instead second bothers my ear some reason. related an flower hope have been help. --barbara s. 83517 re that first line is killing this bowen slosh so basically you're my buzz lol okie-dokie. point taken. will address that. ash no matter what you write after i'm stuck on ---he catches me with the of his eyes -- communication a sound coming from winking at thousand beats per second yes caught fast 83518 re half life metz i'm not sure getting all i should but it seems to me that there's too much context. while it's got some moments before a blessingful touch of trunk for instance this totally rocks starting with your enemy and any context-providing beyond maybe limit itself very basic canadian-to-india-and-home-again framework. -- he begins forge--the bluest eye--to bore into the absence white an optical blue allusion. his forced smile says warn you am unstable. has life. twinkies buried in nevada desert never turn over so goes urban myth passed on down turned twinkie is dream linguistic purist. holisms split tamil nadu. elephant struggles bells around its neck priest worships sandalwood paste. -if want give father anthony struggling devil bomb suit. or cod. myths have shorter underneath earth. radio active sentence hydrogen . use eng lish love lish. best front. build temporary lean-to space until collapses shorten breath slightly feel heart pacer pace quick. trip self daily up holism most obvious hole. thread frayed needle. these are notes scribbles pad as leaps from canada india. begin again say ma kali wear skulls chisel eyes when you're india--but forget take off board plane back canada. both places. 83519 after being hit by the bus that i should have... sherry it looked pretty friendly over here thought i'd drop in. have been driving m sorry. must not kiss to make you board my ufo. star-filled page of each night has intimidating deep and yearning for some unknown piece be drawn from placed upon your lips drip there like a honey liquor ve sucked tits alien space queens. imagined thousand ways could go given so many. what is want today because was silly one had me swooning. forget clown act. let s strap on real galactic armor. 83520 re roadkill metz the third stanza is a keeper second an oops. first tweaker. so regarding got no problem with ridiculous. there's purely descriptive quality to word outside it's more editorial connotation. skein does try too hard. for me tongue dry grooming good enough image surmount non-sequitirishness. obscene unlike ridiculous telling. only superfluous. you might want remove all articles in further objectify corpse as do fur. -- neck unvital now lolls doubled back against torso skeined roadside sludge hangs obscene. fur flickers wake of passing trucks. insulated my glass and metal haven i am shocked come across thing stopped. drive on relive glimpse wonder at its story. but fox without allegory car soul burdened by both shift gear change lanes put distance between dead. 83521 re half life asher thanks buddy-- you know i just woke up and realized this reworked an edit before popped back in here. for your input. only confirms that have to simplify thinggggggs. god bloody roommates until 4 morning... ag i'm not sure getting all should but it seems me there's too much context. while it's got some moments a blessingful touch of trunk instance totally rocks starting with enemy any context-providing beyond maybe limit itself very basic canadian-to-india-and-home-again framework. -- metz 83522 re taken out of context see wolf laurel epigraph or epigram which is correct i used to call them epigraphs exclusively until someone said no it's epigram. argh. just went the dictionary. hate when people talk me what know. epigraph. why on earth did accept as correct. honestly i'm shockingly stupid. my driver's license has height 5'10 because some dummy insisted that had be he was 5'9 . and am believed him. never bothered measure myself well after fact. dumb dumb. sigh. whole issue extremely touchy with right now asher. almost called you usher. smile feel compelled include especially they're impetus for a poem. way nodding source inspiration. say remove epigraphs---plural---do mean omit all london lines within poem not sure could stand its own without them. heck if lost you...then done you're good reader. losing reader who reads closely carefully you....then hope lost. probably should've resisted urge post this. off tangent hit too quickly. should learn keep this crap myself. thanks reading 83523 re taken out of context see wolf laurel editorializing. self-referencing. you're not a broken record so much as everyone is lately. sigh. guess i oughta pay attention and listen eh yeah you nailed it. wobbly legs indeed. don't think the poem can stand on those legs. shouldn't've posted gotta stop posting just for sake posting. hate spending time spent this only to come up with result such utter crap. it's frustrating. thanks crit jim. always your eyes are appreciated. sometimes am record...mostly am. but would take all self referencial...or references process writing -- let its own perhaps sections suggest cut below. 83524 re after being hit by the bus that i should have. david ayers hey good to see you here this is wild. love way cosmic and terrestrial come together in particularly title which think probably helps more than anything balance it all . humor of course my mind just perfectly twisted. oh a slight roadbump towards end with series 'that's but nothing major. --d looked pretty friendly over thought i'd drop in. have been driving m sorry. must not kiss make board ufo. star-filled page each night has intimidating deep yearning for some unknown piece be drawn from placed upon your lips drip there like honey liquor ve sucked tits alien space queens. imagined thousand ways could go given so many. what want today because was silly one had me swooning. forget clown act. let s strap on real galactic armor. 83526 re after being hit by the bus that i should have. yoly sherry- truly enjoyed this ride. more please it looked pretty friendly over here thought i'd drop in. have been driving m sorry. must not kiss to make you board my ufo. star-filled page of each night has intimidating deep and yearning for some unknown piece be drawn from placed upon your lips drip there like a honey liquor ve sucked tits alien space queens. imagined thousand ways could go given so many. what is want today because was silly one had me swooning. forget clown act. let s strap on real galactic armor. 83527 re half life david ayers he begins to forage i wondered what something more grounding like that might do for it. in this you have germane the idea decay etc --brokenness but verb is still active in-the-world doing within-it. a sense they are both antique words 'forage' believe has validity and resonance. not 'forge' doesn't it's of withdrawal retreat. associate word with caves conceptions guess. remote than anything. just thought or two. think it becomes quite good towards end. --d forge--the bluest eye--to bore into absence white an optical blue allusion. his forced smile says warn am unstable. life. twinkies buried nevada desert never turn over so goes urban myth passed on down turned twinkie dream linguistic purist. holisms split tamil nadu. elephant struggles bells around its neck while priest worships sandalwood paste. -if want blessingful touch trunk give me father anthony struggling devil bomb suit. cod. myths shorter underneath earth. radio sentence hydrogen . use eng lish love lish. your enemy best front. build temporary lean-to space until collapses shorten breath slightly feel heart pacer pace too quick. trip self daily up holism most obvious hole. thread frayed needle. these some notes scribbles pad as leaps from canada india. begin again say ma kali wear skulls chisel eyes when you're india--but much forget take off board plane back canada. places. 83530 re after being hit by the bus that i should have. sherry hi david guess could have been a little more conventional for my first posted poem here. but what heck can't write right now. yeah all those thats bothered me too didn't change them thinking someone else would do it me. grin perhaps thought they were conversational. thanks responding. s. hey good to see you here this is wild. love way cosmic and terrestrial come together in particularly title which think probably helps than anything balance . humor of course mind just perfectly twisted. oh slight roadbump towards end with series 'that's nothing major. --d 83531 re after being hit by the bus that i should have. geoff re. have been driving for sherry. you think this is friendly just missed semiannual love feast and fish fry on rilke's birthday even a short poem there are big jumps in taste style with final reliance comic strip logic details. these things simply do not cohere implied deeply romantic attitude attempts to surface. will real now stand up that's what i've got say that. 83532 re after being hit by the bus that i should have. sherry yoly gosh glad you liked this. have lots where this came from perhaps can find an outlet here. i've been a little frustrated with style change and life another board usually post gone nuts. etc. promise to come back in crit others' work. it never all happens one day seems. thanks again s. sherry- truly enjoyed ride. more please 83534 re the poem revised geoff re. revised. for si mon i think one may write hundreds and of pieces on basis this model. three cheers mechanical reproduction best 83536 re after being hit by the bus that i should have. sherry hi geoff as long you're here it must be a friendly place. l thanks for crit. hear what saying about this poem. there is indeed flip-flop attitude in there. real poem standing up guess just forgot to put on it's clothes before went school. grin needs work know...kinda automatic writing now. love ya s. re. have been driving sherry. you think missed semiannual feast and fish fry rilke's birthday even short are big jumps taste style with final reliance comic strip logic details. these things simply do not cohere implied deeply romantic attempts surface. will now stand that's i've got say that. 83537 re whoo's womb geoff re. whoo s for metz. to the showers. cold. and we'll tell you when can climb out i think believe warlock is some sort of terrible title but it means nothing more than magician. miss rhyme rigamarole in this. best 83538 re valentine's day geoff re. memories of mine for joyce garza this is totally dependent on its end rhymes any meaning it has. a careless reliance something that one should control now controls what the poem means. also everytime turns around word fate swoops down you. too neat pat and impersonal to give lasting joy. best 83539 re half life asher david--thanks for considering this. i was thinking of forge used in relation to a bunch other poems where is as pun forging document or an identity. forage quite cool word though and your reasons are good subing i'll post rewrite here case any one feels so inclined respond. it works better with white space but have no idea how use html. best ag he attempts himself again--to bore into the absence skin optical allusion forced smile says am unstable. has short life. twinkies buried nevada desert goes urban myth passed on down turned over. twinkie dream linguistic purist. holisms split tamil nadu. elephant struggles bells around its neck while priest worships sandalwood paste. -if you want blessingful touch trunk give me father anthony struggling devil bomb suit. cod says. myths shorter radioactive sand. begins sentence again. eng lish love lish. his enemy front. decide something once. build temporary lean-to until collapses shorten breath slightly feel heart pacer pace too quick. trip self daily up holism most obvious hole. thread frayed needle. these some notes scribbles pad flies from indiana india. begin again say ma kali wear skulls chisel blue eyes when you're india-- not much that forget take off board plane back indiana. ma. 83540 re after being hit by the bus that i should have. bowen it looked pretty friendly over here thought i'd drop in. supposedly this place is a shark tank. have been driving m sorry. must not kiss to make you board my ufo. star-filled page of each night has intimidating deep and yearning for some unknown piece be drawn from placed upon your lips drip there like honey liquor ve sucked tits alien space queens. imagined thousand ways could go given so many. what want today because was silly one had me swooning. forget clown act. let s strap on real galactic armor. fun first second read but get thrown out third star line. overall enjoyed. major nits. 83541 re after being hit by the bus that i should have. hannah sherry- welcome. we must have left friendly sign out accident guess go flip it over to rabid dogs. like this mainly because was different be honest. evidences craft and consideration yes but s playful approach trope really makes me stand up take notice. humor. lightness. resistance or pushing away at what is constant redefinition. all cool with me. almost wish would push a little harder its grand comic-style metaphor disappointed in choices each night has been intimidating deep yearning for some unknown piece vague honey liquor too . beginning end strike very neatly think center feels off. somehow marry intergalactic veryterrestial maybe help title intersect more content of poem. maybe. dunno. please post again enjoyed much. -hannah 83543 re stalking the famous poet of mere being geoff re. for david ayers. one is spared much really following a poem written from first to last as frozen smirk rare experience. nor do i like pretension and repetitions without point. think many fine poems began malicious parody but got wise themselves. just don't this has gotten itself yet. best 83544 re she was uncomfortable ... hannah do you smell something funny it wasn t me. the skunk. 83545 re stalking the famous poet of mere being blanche balanshine i'm agreeing with this bloke what he said yah right on glad to see one sane man among lot ya 83546 re taken out of context see wolf asher hi laurel--epi____ i just typed in what you had think. but didn't mean the london lines embedded poem laurel...they make riposte it a day was quite engaging...i guess prefer this sort writing over your otherwork i'm an oddball. can call me usher...hey we're reading virginia wolfe class--thought mention for no reason whatever. take care epigraph or epigram which is correct used to them epigraphs exclusively until someone said it's epigram. argh. went dictionary. hate when people talk know. epigraph. why on earth did accept as correct. honestly shockingly stupid. my driver's license has height 5'10 because some dummy insisted that be he 5'9 . and am believed him. never bothered measure myself well after fact. dumb dumb. sigh. whole issue extremely touchy with right now asher. almost called usher. smile feel compelled include especially they're impetus poem. way nodding source inspiration. say remove epigraphs---plural---do omit all within not sure could stand its own without them. heck if lost you...then done you're good reader. losing reader who reads closely carefully you....then hope lost. probably should've resisted urge post this. off tangent hit too quickly. should learn keep crap myself. thanks laurel 83547 who's afraid laurel what woolf are you reading ush had to have mentioned the divine ms. w because know how much i love lighthouse. i'm or trying read mrs. dalloway--but keep rereading same 10 20 pages since only for a scant handful of minutes at night before turn off light. guess oughta start during daylight hours. smile so lay your list on me buddy. and class is this laurel--who misses school---yet not enough get her butt in gear apply grad school lighthouse as dying pretty changed my life when them lengthy matriculation. gotta more faulkner. period hi laurel--epi____ just typed think. but didn't mean london lines embedded poem laurel...they make riposte it day was quite engaging...i prefer sort writing over otherwork an oddball. can call usher...hey we're virginia wolfe class--thought mention no reason whatever. take care epigraph epigram which correct used 83548 re after being hit by the bus that i should have. sherry hi bowen shark tank can handle true poets and critics is what have been missing. thanks for warm welcome comment. there are some major surface attractions in this poem. yes star-filled page definitely one of them. catching me on it knew was pushing it. s. supposedly place a tank. fun first second read but get thrown out third star line. overall enjoyed. not nits. 83549 rapid dogs laurel first lemme wipe the slobber off my chin. dang i'm thirsty. grin yeah we play nice over here. that is if you define as being honest--sometimes brutally so--and giving each other real live bonafide crits. not much headpatting goes on here thank god. so pull up a seat. stay while. don't bite. i promise. smile made few small changes. see what think after struck by bus should have been driving m sorry. must kiss beamed to ship. star-filled page of night intimidated yearned for some unknown piece be drawn from it and placed upon your lips drip there like honey suckled tits an alien space queen. imagined thousand ways could go gave many. wanted today because was silly one sent me swooning. skip clown act. let s strap galactic armor. biggest quibble initial read subsequent reads with tense. changed it. sure screws skews poem's intent. does. also very minor diction adjustments. just choices about. only linebreaks. formatting really tripping reading experience. messed them bit. know how goes. you're pro--you poem wants needs more than do. all means toss this crit none helps. did say it's good damned singular poems posted board sherry. 83550 re after being hit by the bus that i should have. sherry hi hannah rabid dogs l thanks for warning. when see sign i'll be sure to careful. i've been slipping in and reading a while enjoying people already know trying grasp styles of those don't. i'm glad you understood humor relationships must sometimes turn on it if they are survive guess was universal point working toward--yet hopefully still project serious sadness. think geoff wanted me make clearer. line mention each night has intimidating deep yearning some unknown piece... is one worked more than any other sounded hokey too. tried really did somehow grab sky different way. pretty much knew had failed will work bit more. nothing unique there honey liquor over top with satire accomplish but figured would acceptable understood. hey commenting. feels good here already. s. sherry- welcome. we have left friendly out accident go flip dogs. like this mainly because honest. evidences craft consideration yes s playful approach trope makes stand up take notice. humor. lightness. resistance or pushing away at what constant redefinition. all cool me. almost wish push little harder its grand comic-style metaphor disappointed choices piece vague too . beginning end strike very neatly center off. marry intergalactic veryterrestial maybe help title intersect content poem. maybe. dunno. please post again enjoyed much. -hannah 83552 re rapid dogs sherry hey laural you know me i'm pretty gut-ripping honest. i think that's where was screwing up at the other board. new people there really don't want to have their poetry criticized and they were beginning make moral judgement calls on my language of all things grin thanks for welcome one reasons why decided join in. yeah screwed poem by messing with line breaks. intentional. l but it's always fun see how someone else reads me. a couple spots worried about not that this is going anywhere your input certainly gave some ways change around bit. rarely use parentheses in so title will probably stay same. love ya s. first lemme wipe slobber off chin. dang thirsty. we play nice over here. if define as being honest--sometimes brutally so--and giving each real live bonafide crits. much headpatting goes here thank god. pull seat. while. bite. promise. smile made few small changes. what after struck bus should been driving m sorry. must kiss beamed ship. star-filled page night intimidated yearned unknown piece be drawn from it placed upon lips drip like honey suckled tits an alien space queen. imagined thousand could go many. wanted today because silly sent swooning. skip clown act. let s strap galactic armor. biggest quibble initial read subsequent tense. changed it. sure screws skews poem's intent. does. also very minor diction adjustments. just choices about. only linebreaks. formatting tripping reading experience. messed them goes. you're pro--you wants needs more than do. means toss crit none helps. did say good damned singular poems posted board sherry. laurel 83553 a dream poem 's lovely demise ryan to my dearest aphasia in the morning i will be zzz-ing your cabana honey fetus curl of lip tell you that love is but narrow escape. gestalten interpretation preferred presuppose am burning suitcase symbolic swimming pool gasoline david must have lit it light everything on heartfire. what do policemen think rodent smoke busted come behemoth zebra scuttle off this perplexing stentorian sashay ambling catastrophe claxon klaxon so sad girl perform chass dancing move side way manner-ship when child leads with left foot drags right heavy upon get-a-way o head brainache ergo severe calx chest fluxing lime burnt unslaked nightrain wets heart puddle reflection unnerved by tennis shoe--the. 83554 re a dream poem 's lovely demise yoly ryan- fetus curl of my lip will tell you that love is but narrow escape. dandy line dandy. i was bit perplexed though - he wanting to leave his you've way with words ya. dearest aphasia in the morning be zzz-ing your cabana honey gestalten interpretation preferred presuppose am burning suitcase symbolic swimming pool gasoline david must have lit it light everything on heartfire. what do policemen think rodent smoke busted come behemoth zebra scuttle off this perplexing stentorian sashay ambling catastrophe claxon klaxon so sad girl perform chass dancing move side manner-ship when child leads left foot drags right heavy upon get-a-way o head brainache ergo severe calx chest fluxing lime burnt unslaked nightrain wets heart puddle reflection unnerved by tennis shoe--the. 83555 re btw yoly laurel- i'm a fan of your stuff. you know it now. but this um seems like took an awful long time to get point which i thought was the best part poem funny how keep circling back death and sex--as if those two could disconnect-- even though never mention it. shhhh. ll be our secret. love silences that make every thing soooo implicit. must masochist chose you. now yawn on my lap arms folded spine snapped. we intimate let me caress bumps skull. ah yes had feeling. knew once. well. think that's need. pennies have been tossed. by way tried say from before . --red hot chili peppers so saying gulls toll for fancy word knell with soul carilloning. verb calling home. hey spew in margin scribbled spawn. scratched that. they return whence were spewed as roe woe.think trek. instinct irresistible sends fish up river. imagine swimming all black canal heart attack. s not gives shivers. besides coming attractions are only soon. still shame muscle amounted much. just missed beats gristle. chewed chewed. birds. pelicans terns. didn t specify text. guessed source most mournful sounds creak hinges door swings shuts caterwaul abandoned cat squall unfed infant. carilloning over insert preferred ocean here. conjures carrion. 83556 re a dream poem 's lovely demise ryan not sure. from my read it seems like the speaker wants to stay and is also destroying things too. i get feeling he she confused - has lot of conflicted emotions. but what do know was just last night tongue speaking. 83558 in the wilds yoly tonight s affair hops my brain waves white-leather booths penny puddles on cobbled streets and gold traffic-lights cautioning to red-sea immersed lips - but chimera soon dissolves kelp of silence i struggle corner rumors between his bones mine when from ocean night graveled voice finds worship king david missed out blue illusions become baby schools swimming feast. 83559 re btw nm incubus responds 83560 re a dream poem 's lovely demise yoly interesting you say he she. this was not revealed burning the suitcase in pool also interesting. may know more about since got action scenes...well maybe. sure. from my read it seems like speaker wants to stay and is destroying things too. i get feeling she confused - has lot of conflicted emotions. but what do just last night tongue speaking. 83561 re a dream poem 's lovely demise ryan it was revealed visually -- but one can never trust in the memory of dreams or be sure an object is not subject disguise what if i am suitcase 83562 re in the wilds ryan a pragmatic account of real events slightly pedastooled religious overtone jewish ocean as tool to overwhelm speaker's feelings ------------ i found combination those 3 items too much for this short poem. not enough care taken weave them properly into cohesive each feels detached from others two . only my opinion - but mind is exhausted and inability form strong connections should be accounted here today. will revisit re-comment if can feel am missing large piece puzzle thanks sharing 83563 re she was uncomfortable ... david ayers well at least there's hope 83564 re stalking the famous poet of mere being david ayers well there's hope then --d re. for ayers. one is spared much really following a poem written from first to last as frozen smirk rare experience. nor do i like pretension and repetitions without point. think many fine poems began malicious parody but got wise themselves. just don't this has gotten itself yet. best geoff 83565 re stalking the famous poet of mere being david ayers blanche que pura eres de sol y noche ca da triunfal desmedida tu rbita blanco pecho pan alto clima corona arboles negros bienamada nariz animal solitario oveja salvaje huele a sombra precipitada fuga tyr nica. and your cute little ears --d 83566 re in the wilds ryan tonight s affair hops my brain waves white-leather booths penny puddles on cobbled streets and ------------------------------- i found opening to scattered. too much detail surroundings not attention why this has any real significance. get impression that you are trying show reader setting is a bit artificial will eventually crumble. feel execution off as hung up external observations instead of intense introspective perspective poem collapses into. gold traffic-lights cautioning red-sea immersed lips - but chimera soon dissolves ------------------------- grandiose want continue down first reaction everything felt loosely connected. add which beast sky ocean--and seems be antithesis anything symbolizing two ppl form semi-cordial relationship. savage sprouting fire from its mouth it devastated land until was killed by hero bellerophon who flew over riding his winged horse pegasus kelp silence struggle corner rumors between bones mine when ocean night ------------------ suddenly references. red-sea... where did these come unexpected over-jarring relative lofty description gold. graveled voice finds worship king david missed out blue illusions become baby schools swimming feast. ---------------- once again jarring. cant decide whats more important or school fish 83567 short poem long title david ayers why happiness is a warm gun or there are no basements in new orleans she doesn't come here often go away. she's heaven. the ice crisscrossed with stars. today because ceiling cracks that's part of her breaking in. i feel like barometer. you may too. not attic cement. lampposts dark children. basements. broke step coming up and saw chalk debris darling bulbs. wanted to get out there. taught me this song. know your boy-arms flying horse show good side without speaking first down levee hearse went off on beautiful train. was it my brain. 83568 re short poem long title jacob david the combination of 'gun' and 'basements' gives me a strong image to filter through. much seems be hinting at those two things...especially basement. my one thought for revision would just get rid line there are no basements. having it in takes away from subtetly you have going on throughout piece. why happiness is warm gun or basements new orleans she doesn't come here often go away. she's heaven. ice crisscrossed with stars. today because ceiling cracks that's part her breaking in. i feel like barometer. may too. not attic cement. lampposts dark children. broke step coming up saw chalk debris darling bulbs. wanted out there. taught this song. know your boy-arms flying horse show good side without speaking first down levee hearse went off beautiful train. was brain. 83569 re in the wilds yoly hey ryan- you got me to thinking egads while it isn't a necessity get inner passings of relationship i realize this poem does not go beyond outer shell...too sentimental didn't dig their proverbial loins. bad thing preferred from your comments. i'm glad sparked enough make want come back and let on thoughts. who knows maybe i'll give dude voice that'll internal matters here. two parter. thank for honesty. peace tonight s affair hops my brain waves white-leather booths penny puddles cobbled streets ------------------------------- found opening scattered. too much detail surroundings attention why has any real significance. impression that are trying show reader setting is bit artificial will eventually crumble. feel execution off as hung up external observations instead intense introspective perspective collapses into. gold traffic-lights cautioning red-sea immersed lips - but chimera soon dissolves ------------------------- grandiose continue down first reaction everything felt loosely connected. add which beast sky ocean--and seems be antithesis anything symbolizing ppl form semi-cordial relationship. savage sprouting fire its mouth devastated land until was killed by hero bellerophon flew over riding his winged horse pegasus kelp silence struggle corner rumors between bones mine when ocean night ------------------ suddenly references. red-sea... where did these unexpected over-jarring relative lofty description gold. graveled finds worship king david missed out blue illusions become baby schools swimming feast. ---------------- once again jarring. cant decide whats more important or school fish 83570 re a dream poem 's lovely demise yoly what if it was revealed visually -- but one can never trust in the memory of dreams or be sure an object is not subject disguise i am suitcase 83571 re who's afraid asher hey laurelji-- it's a second year course. i'm finishing this thank god. grad school next fingers crossed. room of ones own and miss d are da books we're reading. course is in narrative theory thought the would be full on detailed readings criticism but still reading em forester whose not so bad just i was hoping to read postcolonial more feminist etc. annyhu. glad you're up many different kinds wolves god really need have some intense s-- week. think it make my brain clearer. even all etc makes me want screw honest. sorry for damn rant hopefully weekend. jesus surely half animal - take care ag 83572 re btw michael mv consider just the epigraph as title 83573 re whoo's womb metz can i climb out yet was thinking more of the garden variety warlock who kinda struts about with a cape ogling seventeenth century issues playboy and reading arcane spells from leatherbounds by candlelight going nyah ha ha. thanks for commenting. pleasure as always. -- re. whoo s metz. to showers. cold. we'll tell you when think believe is some sort terrible title but it means nothing than magician. miss rhyme rigamarole in this. best geoff 83574 re whoo's womb metz yeah. nothing's worse than a cutesy warlock. how about whose is next bwitch -- i like everything but the title. not dark enough too cutesy. --barbara s. 83575 re whoo's womb metz etymlaurelgist extraordinaire -- thanks for taking the time with this. flibbertigibbet was i admit a thesaurus windfall. searching perfect word to capture notion of well ... flibbertigibbitude. there you have it. whole poem written around of. come just lurid accessory. hell who wouldn't bristle at tony randall siring kids any age feminism notwithstanding warlock from old english oath-breaker. hmmmm. beldam. that's keeper. misread it as bedlam. then skip-to-my-looed over freedictionary.com. and looked up flibbertigibbit sheer heck while there. so beldam here is being used stand-in spinster or maid it's not specified such freedictionary merriam's...yet what read into word. wonder if allowable. proof that everything really does sound better en francais. how combination belle dame came mean hag know this stretch but kept reading flibbertigibbet---fun damn word---strikes me dickensian---as fidgety. when up...well even though knew meant....i still left scratching my head. can't attach modifier means scatterbrained silly garrulous balloon try might. oh duh. nevermind. see mistake now. had type out definition glomming on scatterbrained. snuck right by me. malevolent--spelled wrong didn't --yet silly. gotcha. diction sonics are killer diller. love linebreak come. one those breaks causes wasn't smile don't know. kinda bums out. personal level mind you. guess reluctant feminist in bristling idea some geezer whetted---and ready anthony hopkins both fathered children their 60's 70's they la sans merci lover child--heck appetite. mouseless. worry. i'm shutting up....right about grin always good mister metz. laurel hey whet . your first thing morning man did send off tangent. lately i'll look big geek am stumbled onto great snippet sea wolf. running. so....thanks 83576 re whoo's womb metz evil one -- well it's about time you start using words like gorgeous. especially if you're talking a poem of mine. it'll expand your fan base among 1 the riff-raff who call nice people n shit that and 2 me. thanks for reading stamp approval. metz- whoa. this is different you. i think. m making presumptions. think it s ssh. don t use that. only thing bothers me are last two lines. took 5 minutes to unravel what were actually saying so should fix them. not much convolution make syntax more transparent. something. -h 83577 re whoo's womb metz hey this is cool. i'm lazy too. no wonder you liked it. let's go have a beer and sit around. -- i loved the language of found it intriguing - read two or three times with reward very so that's quite something 83578 re whoo's womb metz and i am so not surprised at your temptation. now i'm speculating what you woulda done if i'd posted this on fat tuesday. it boggles the mind. -- tempted to change that 'come' other spelling - must be lent. annmarie 83579 re the poem revised sherry hi there fun stuff thoroughly enjoyed s. line 1 yawns pulls covers off toes of 2. 3 never wakes. 4 pushes pencils up his nose. 5 finds nursery rhymes erotic. 6 looks at and laughs. 7 sucks life out 8. 9 waits to be cut. 83580 when i have a taste ... sbern of that old familiar juice i'll get back on track-- but don't know what is track is. floudering in delight 83582 re short poem long title cyocom inlines d. noi why happiness is a warm gun or there are no basements in new orleans ---i think the hallmark echo even though deliberate predisposes reader to read this as light. she doesn't come here often go away. she's heaven. ice crisscrossed with stars. today because ceiling cracks that's part of her breaking in. i feel like barometer. you may too. ---there bad for me here--a hangover from snarky comment on one my poems by who said that any begins certainly novice work. since know not merely bring your attention event it's so. ---now getting past personal image effective and it paired ceiling. at first thought face window then under pond surface last conflate ice. rarely freezes which causes little problem. seems too directive into but out it. attic cement. lampposts dark children. basements. broke step coming up saw chalk debris darling bulbs. wanted get there. taught song. boy-arms flying horse show good side without speaking down levee hearse ---love went off beautiful train. was brain. ---scrub line. bow wrap poem. 83583 infidels jables they swam through startled water crawled the beach and boiled our hearts of palm left dead angel slumped as driftwood. from shore their footprints led a trail to sandy throats children. for them we explained everything yes wanted burn down sky. miguel is one who fed fire. wept that could not stop him. this took testicle angel. carried children back beds. washed faces eyes already with sleep. 83584 re after being hit by the bus that i should have. metz yeah well just post something crappy and you'll be torn to shreds. not me of course. i'm nice. ok gonna presume mess with sherrysaye's unique cosmology can somehow take buzz lightyear honeytitted aleins ground them poignance. instead i'll focus on details. below. hope you stick around. -- it looked pretty friendly over here thought i'd drop in. have been driving m s orry. ust kiss make board my ufo. star-filled page each night has intimidating deep yearning night's star-laden intimidated deep. i've yearned... for some unknown piece drawn from placed upon your lips drip there like a honey liquor ve sucked tits alien space queens. ha 've imagined thousand ways could go given so many. what is want today because was silly one had swooning. forget clown act. let strap real galactic armor. 83585 re a dream poem 's lovely demise metz have you noticed that other peoples' dreams can be absolutely fascinating ... for about thirty six seconds then there's this incredibly rapid transition to tediousness follows the rule. fascinating. bump up against second limit. i assume your comments yoly are meant disingenuous. cuz don't think it's role of poet manipulate audience rather than just function as sandman's amanuensis it seems end might an attemt explicate but that's where fails me. early and engaging relatively meaningless late interpretative or editorial bent paradoxically takes even farther afield undermines delight. my take. -- dearest aphasia in morning will zzz-ing cabana honey fetus curl lip tell love is narrow escape. gestalten interpretation preferred presuppose am burning suitcase symbolic swimming pool gasoline david must lit light everything on heartfire. what do policemen rodent smoke busted come behemoth zebra scuttle off perplexing stentorian sashay ambling catastrophe claxon klaxon so sad girl perform chass dancing move side way manner-ship when child leads with left foot drags right heavy upon get-a-way o head brainache ergo severe calx chest fluxing lime burnt unslaked nightrain wets heart puddle reflection unnerved by tennis shoe--the. 83586 re after being hit by the bus that i should have. sherry metz darlin' long time no see. sigh sherry's unique cosmology thanks for so gentle. ...and striking thats there s just too many damned modifiers in star-filled star-laden page line. you right to change it but diction still struggles with those modifiers. must find a way say much cleaner like cut one has thought bear before. grin contractions this why love s. yeah well post something crappy and you'll be torn shreds. not me of course. i'm nice. ok gonna presume mess sherrysaye's can somehow take buzz lightyear honeytitted aleins ground them poignance. instead i'll focus on details. below. hope stick around. -- each night's intimidated deep. i've yearned... 83587 re short poem long title sherry david going on repetition. i like it. too have been working a bit with repeating myself in the poem. keep it effectual that's what telling myself. lose word heaven i'd rather hear something even more ridiculous she doesn't come here often. go away she's gone baby. gone. ice crisscrossed and pierced stars. because ceiling cracks part of her breaking. is so subjective. i've ruined your love s. why happiness warm gun or there are no basements new orleans often away. heaven. today breaking in. feel barometer. you may too. not attic cement. lampposts dark children. basements. broke step coming up saw chalk debris darling bulbs. wanted to get out there. taught me this song. know boy-arms flying horse show good side without speaking first down levee hearse went off beautiful train. was my brain. 83589 re the poem revised laurel 9. isn't that number that's repeated at beginning or end of a pink floyd song it's late and i forget but vaguely hear man pronouncing words nine with veddy british accent. cool little poem. much enjoyed. liked your other poems too---were they called revision didn't comment as had no nits heck what's crit from me without an edit tears to pieces eh smile reminds counting crows. you could cut in last line leave hanging let be implied. don't know this hour if just too cute for its own damned good suggestion-wise. what hell. 9 waits be. we all 1 yawns pulls covers off toes 2. 3 never wakes. 4 pushes pencils up his nose. 5 finds nursery rhymes erotic. 6 looks laughs. 7 sucks life out 8. cut. 83590 how to paint a night sky gill williams-moore suggestions include making grid around some stars you know. continue the lines reach canvass edge in all directions. this gives sense of scale your composition. take trek high province three-quarters up canada. commercial jet manitoba. rental car for miles six-hour drive. and then prop-plane landing messianic on lake. first watch aurora from cabin s porch get drunk with canuck staying down shore. bring fishing rod. photographs. come oppose grids. only star know is sun. set now. spreads pigment pallet splashing things around. make yourself rainbow- melting syrup clouds mess sticky child lips summer by ice-cream truck. girl grass jack-in-the-pulpits. there she looks like roots. bundle brown lumps tied into ground purple-yellow flowers trying sneak under. do it dark so can't see thing. back pack photos blank. but walleye were big as mako sharks knew was snocones bleeding moon. 83591 re short poem long title laurel i prefer the second half of as title. happiness being a warm gun--isn't that song lyric there are no basements in new orleans doesn't cause me to wince way gun does. can stand ommission and happinesss if so ditch 'em danno. liked repetition much kinda wish it'd been rolled out one more time. end comes up abruptly. know you won't go for it but she's heaven ice criss-crossed stars could be last lines after brain. oh stop that. cringeing allowed looks wrong with e...but hey even wronger like this cringing . rolling eyes. i'm thinking should create your own poetic form. just received my big fat order books from amazon thanks generous xmas gift certificate little bro who ain't such bad guy eh yesterday among them is book by...oh his name witte think. he was on verse or poetry daily recently--wonderful about dead mouse.....and.....long story longer...sigh....um....he created form triad thing that's pretty nifty. shutting up. making sense. going bed. i've got. six bibbins beachy-quick yakich rekdal field. gotta read some ashbery call day night. why she come here often away. heaven. crisscrossed stars. today because ceiling cracks part her breaking in. feel barometer. may too. not attic cement. lampposts dark children. basements. broke step coming saw chalk debris darling bulbs. wanted get there. taught song. boy-arms flying horse show good side without speaking first down levee hearse went off beautiful train. 83592 re after being hit by the bus that i should have. jack m hi sherry. looks to me like this interesting narrative deserves some shaking up. below are two ways tried giving lines a bit of different contextual relationship. each method requires going back and normalizing grammar punc but sometimes it's useful reorder lines. hope at least one these gives you new insights into possibilities poem last line first let s strap on real galactic armor. silly had swooning. forget clown act. what is it want today because was not kiss have imagined thousand could go given so many. drip there honey liquor ve sucked from tits alien space queens. placed upon your lips for unknown piece be drawn star-filled page night has been intimidating deep yearning sorry. must make board my ufo. shuffled second etc. until middle becomes line. act--that from-- many . yours martin looked pretty friendly over here thought i'd drop in. driving 83593 re after being hit by the bus that i should have. jack m. one more thing think relationship between body of this poem and title deserves further exploitation emphasis. somehow. is probably place to do it. but that's what keep thinking about as go away poem--i mean get metaphoric use interests me a literal view in relation meaning it could poem. it's an opportunity not fully taken advantage of. how well course up you. cheers. 83594 re in the wilds jables yoly i enjoy much of this but think your verbs are wrong. i'd go back and revisit them. don't best choices. for example hops just doesn't seem to evoke right image. love ending though. those schools coming feast nicely done. j. tonight s affair my brain waves white-leather booths penny puddles on cobbled streets gold traffic-lights cautioning red-sea immersed lips - chimera soon dissolves kelp silence struggle corner rumors between his bones mine when from ocean night graveled voice finds worship king david missed out blue illusions become baby swimming feast. 83595 red-cloaked stinging coat sbern i loved you gayla and your red riding girl when she uncovered hers tore away nighties of blue. hermes came gave mensic-girls a fabulous ram laid its orange pelt by their sides to soak hide the moon. revel in girl-- ram-cloaked coats-- for love venic patch glowing gold out free or under nightie fact helle fell into dardenelle hellespont. phrixus stayed aboard that ship fifty-oared. cause jason sea seized golden-fleece brought dragon his knees. effect will marry medea invent thereafter all girls following progeny recapitulates ontogeny. myth s dodona oak shaded first mensic-girl cooled sting redded-cloaks neath trunk's spreading limbs leaves. third took-on claim asleep- too late fire burned her sweet blue underpelt reddish-royal hue. red-haired women are thracian birth. passions quick crucify-- they lie about coats. truth as child knew moonbeam names skipped like stone through gardens. once wore so soft coat-- now how it cracks hardens. 83596 re how to paint a night sky sbern no one does it better-- painting sky. some skies are passively painted. this poet paints the with energy. and as someone said-- energy is eternal delight. i'll check see who said 83597 re infidels sbern i'm kinda on the outside of what you say in this poem. i want to be inside but 'kinda' outside. then don't know if anyone can authentically someone writes-- that is not person doing writing-- even writer often he himself writes. how do we write know. 83598 hush jude goodwin with thanks to david ayers moon is a woman. the baby holds her string balloon jerking through black trees congratulations spins and jumps. deep sky stars are creased paper lining cedar drawer white hands caress knits within fold fold. road grey bow turns knots around us. night gift its woman punched. clutching herself she scuttles alongside our truck holding womb while inside sleeps repeat across face. turning of plate high hum wheels sing stroke sleeps. 83599 re short poem long title jude goodwin i definitely found this lyrical and haunting beautiful. however i'd like to see it more precise. for example if she is in heaven would not just come here often wouldn't at all thoughts within --- why happiness a warm gun or there are no basements new orleans the without bit. doesn't go away. she's heaven. ice crisscrossed with stars. today because ceiling cracks that's part of her breaking in. feel barometer. you may too. 'because' seems imprecise. could be 'where' 'when' ... realize we talking colloquialism but wish were logical attic cement. lampposts as your previous now one that have tried hush enjoy these repeats. dark children. basements. broke step coming up saw chalk debris darling bulbs. wanted get out there. taught me song. know boy-arms flying horse show good side speaking first down levee hearse went off on beautiful train. was my brain. loved ending lines. wonderful david thank 83600 re how to paint a night sky geoff for gill williams-moore. re. sky. there is big jump here in means and ends. i don't doubt that the directions given preparation are accurate. they essential. faroff canada somewhere may be quite sufficient you decide. second half promising. first must organize do some hard decisions about which form verse line lengths should go. hardest of all make endings tell by their simple placement. course most brutal cutting shuffling around. otherwise best set up now. spreads pigment on pallet splashing things yourself rainbow- melting making syrup clouds mess sticky child lips summer ice-cream truck. girl grass jack-in-the-pulpits. she looks like roots. bundle brown lumps tied into ground purple-yellow flowers trying sneak under. it dark so can't see thing. come back pack photos blank. but walleye were as mako sharks knew was snocones bleeding moon. 83601 re short poem long title geoff re. for david ayers the juxtaposition of multiple titles and sharp little jabs elbow don't really excite. generic nature word she finally makes boredom. there may be magic in all i know but have never seen more than third person personal pronoun feminine singular. this piece is too secretive to make an impression other that it well written pity has nothing cares say. best why happiness a warm gun or are no basements new orleans doesn't come here often go away. she's heaven. ice crisscrossed with stars. today because ceiling cracks that's part her breaking in. feel like barometer. you too. not attic cement. lampposts dark children. basements. broke step coming up saw chalk debris darling bulbs. wanted get out there. taught me song. your boy-arms flying horse show good side without speaking first down levee hearse went off on beautiful train. was my brain. 83602 re hush sbern that something is something--- moon woman stars are paper night gift sky and turning someday these copulas will be seen for what they are-- crutches metaphor comparisons fail to advance the understood cliche-- cliche's good if advanced. daphne runs from apollo just as a deer greyhound. comparison does nothing idea of 'chase.' rises her leisure through lace- tops evening pines woman. now it seems me-- but who am i affront this poet credentials do have -- me my lines above 'advances' proposition 'moon woman' by shared movement eliminates need 'is.' there jerkiness ear when read x y b except course in those delights found sentential logic-- pretending no poetry. love baby references tho. 83603 re hush geoff re. with thanks to david ayers for jude goodwin. let me say what a pleasure it is follow your comments on others' poems. you nowhere believe that writing quick and easy. or parlor game. i am joying my way through sandburg's chicago poems his first published volume possibly best. he was slow learner however. this piece all of parallel work. might be cut in half without loss. fact... but sandburg rang the changes style twenties its calculated innocence passe. ever happened whalebone corsets bloomer girl best moon woman. baby holds her string balloon jerking black trees congratulations spins jumps. deep sky stars are creased paper lining cedar drawer white hands caress knits within fold fold. road grey bow turns knots around us. night gift woman punched. clutching herself she scuttles alongside our truck holding womb while inside sleeps repeat across face. turning plate high hum wheels sing stroke sleeps. 83604 re infidels jables i suppose you're saying you don't like it. fair enough. i've had my work called shit before. i'm sure it won't be the last. do however appreciate your comments. thank you. j. kinda on outside of what say in this poem. want to inside but 'kinda' outside. then know if anyone can authentically someone writes-- that is not person doing writing-- even writer often he himself writes. how we write know. sbern 83605 rabbit asher clues i'm a masculinist which means that bitter at my mother who swathed me in an english tongue and never gave her or father is why i've resorted to digging. so yes cautious born the sign of wood rabbit--with buck teeth tricky tongue. when i left you india go see looked too far back but enough into static telephone called wagha border know proposal was off. allow myself be absorbed by domineering woman try control would make subservient housewife charlatan bitterness can sweet extreme either way. not hurt anymore just wondering death about walls absence wear trench coat wall there no dissolving changes day out maybe mood dis order wouldn't count on doctor diagnose especially chipped his strapped down with braces align himself he told had digressed how comforting have name again. progress put prozac get under your spell again brain numb skull prozac. these obnoxious are redemptive they protrude narrative liked dug came up tested even though did need finally find actually went india. knotted were bed another proposition. if succumbed we'd gypsies because we together mutual interest turnip roots. learning tibetan last ropes bed. don't feel pity accept it all allowed dig shrug. wanted tell surreal father's childhood body inhabit mine other end knew two borders collision already forming. almost meta phone. should erect forget claws rhizomes silences one phone line indian phones always bad said border. must build avoid being whaled patrols pretend linguistic unless bored conceived bears any am walling now little trellise climbing roses. let them wither sheets. this endless journeying insomniac rabbit. 83606 re hush jacob i took some excerpts particularly liked and squished them. hope no offense is taken the road a grey bow knots around us. clutching herself she scuttles alongside our truck holding her womb. inside baby sleeps black trees repeat. white hands. stroke stroke. sleeps. 83607 re infidels jacob i like the structure of this poem. arrangement nouns and verb spare use adjectives enjambments commas colon even ailliteration. subject matter -- images thoughts etc... but actual words don't do it for me. they lack a depth reference that understand want them to conjure up some sort grandiose context with revision think can. guess what i'm saying is keep on lot levels play around different words. swam through startled water crawled beach boiled our hearts palm left dead angel slumped as driftwood. from shore their footprints led trail sandy throats children. we explained everything yes wanted burn down sky. miguel one who fed fire. wept could not stop him. took testicle angel. carried children back beds. washed faces eyes already sleep. 83608 confront your cornea jacob demand to see seeing grab hold vision. avoid belated reaction. don t listen. grimace like john grisham s latest formula. for success find some bits of glass. poke and prod them. them in soup. truncate angle structure. excavate full frontal reflection. count on clock-like change. change range mistaking what is real simply chicken stock with chives pork chop. someday you ll shape the shades every meal time body cavity will fill pages erased rewritten. again 83610 buddy hackett in heaven si mon not allowed to stay up late and watch you listen with a transistor radio under your pillow the monologue gaffs starlets coo stars plug punchlines below borschbelt. johnny won t tolerate blue. world spins on innuendo. taps end it. tell kids there were only three channels them about philosophy of trash compactors how everything was pressed together made safe by deputy dog where timothy just mule love universe. tv waves travel into space keep going when they ask change subject. says gabriel guy walks bar some dead planet lucy crams bonbons her everlasting mouth. 83611 re rabbit asher clues i'm a masculinist which means that bitter at my mother who swathed me in an english tongue and never gave her or father is why i've resorted to digging. so yes cautious bored the sign of wood rabbit--with buck teeth tricky tongue. when i left you india go see looked too far back but enough into static telephone called wagha border know proposal was off. allow myself be absorbed by domineering woman try control would make subservient housewife charlatan bitterness can sweet extreme either way. not hurt anymore-- just wondering death about walls absence wear trench coat wall there no dissolving changes day out. maybe mood dis order wouldn't count on doctor diagnose especially chiselled his strapped down with braces align himself he told had digressed how comforting have name again. progress put prozac get under your spell again brain numb skull prozac. these obnoxious are redemptive they protrude out narrative. liked dug you. came up tested even though did need finally find actually went india. knotted were bed another proposition. if succumbed we'd gypsies because we together mutual interest turnip roots well turnips. learning tibetan last tropes bed. don't feel pity accept it all allowed dig shrug. wanted tell surreal father's childhood body inhabit mine other end knew two borders collision already forming. almost meta phone. should erect forget claws rhizomes. silences one phone line indian lines always bad said border. must build avoid being whaled patrols pretend linguistic unless bull conceived bears any clues. am walling now little trellise climbing roses this endless journeying insomniac it. 83612 re buddy hackett in heaven hannah simon- i won t say this works explicitly for me think there is something that underexplained or underevaluated the way innocence and novelty are attached to bygone era. it may be a great deal popular culture but suppose affect doesn always pan-out as smoothly me. i.e. ok even if accept somewhat monochrome past s being performed where punchline how do we get back moment of poem now surely lucy would give us maybe m dope not enough here work classically-simon method creating imbuing relevance. just little flat on top -hannah 83613 re how to paint a night sky hannah gill- i like this. would love see it with better syntax and punctuation all the old boring stuff that m sure nobody wants hear me complain about but which think make poem come off much more clearly precisely. last image those sno-cones bleeding into moon say no way. girl roots. bundle of brown lumps tied ground purple-yellow flowers trying sneak under. perhaps around attention verbs nouns precision in language particularly verbs. you miss few really significant opportunities. sort bob ross moment places is his name guy big hair who did painting shows on pbs similar sense inexactness imprecision failure art just as easily words memory . rift exists between first half second not made purposeful by setup poem. something explain leap or justify eliminate enjoyed reading it. thanks for chance read respond. -hannah 83614 re how to paint a night sky barbara silberg i'd like this with more white space and bit attention line breaks. love the last 2 stanzas in particular. cool poem. --barbara s. suggestions include making grid around some stars you know. continue lines reach canvass edge all directions. gives sense of scale your composition. take trek high province three-quarters up canada. commercial jet manitoba. rental car for miles six-hour drive. then prop-plane landing messianic on lake. first watch aurora from cabin s porch get drunk canuck staying down shore. bring fishing rod. photographs. come oppose grids. only star know is sun. set now. spreads pigment pallet splashing things around. make yourself rainbow- melting syrup clouds mess sticky child lips summer by ice-cream truck. girl grass jack-in-the-pulpits. there she looks roots. bundle brown lumps tied into ground purple-yellow flowers trying sneak under. do it dark so can't see thing. back pack photos blank. but walleye were big as mako sharks knew was snocones bleeding moon. 83615 re red-cloaked stinging coat barbara silberg interesting use of repetition. i like the effect here. an altogether take on story. i'm not sure that orange pelt quite cuts it as a stand-in for golden fleece though. --barbara s. loved you gayla and your red riding girl when she uncovered hers tore away nighties blue. hermes came gave mensic-girls fabulous ram laid its by their sides to soak hide moon. revel in girl-- ram-cloaked coats-- love venic patch glowing gold out free or under nightie fact helle fell into dardenelle hellespont. phrixus stayed aboard ship fifty-oared. cause jason sea seized golden-fleece brought dragon his knees. will marry medea invent thereafter all girls following progeny recapitulates ontogeny. myth s dodona oak shaded first mensic-girl cooled sting redded-cloaks neath trunk's spreading limbs leaves. third took-on claim asleep- too late fire burned her sweet blue underpelt reddish-royal hue. red-haired women are thracian birth. passions quick crucify-- they lie about coats. truth child knew moonbeam names skipped stone through gardens. once wore so soft coat-- now how cracks hardens. sbern 83616 re red-cloaked stinging coat hannah sbern- i like. in general...most like the phrasing of 'your coat' and fabulous ram so on on. a revisit that think may be more flattering to those red-hooded girls than previous attempts have been. makes one wonder little suppose where all this could go with slightly less ontologically civilized perspective or which act is generated by through male whimsy. alknarintja big bad wolf. mean. day. as an alternative. -h 83617 re hush barbara silberg i like this but think you could cut the first 5 lines and start with strong creased paper image. too i'd to see break up into stanzas. -- s thanks david ayers moon is a woman. baby holds her string balloon jerking through black trees congratulations spins jumps. deep sky stars are lining cedar drawer white hands caress knits within fold fold. road grey bow turns knots around us. night gift its woman punched. clutching herself she scuttles alongside our truck holding womb while inside sleeps repeat across face. turning of plate high hum wheels sing stroke sleeps. 83618 re buddy hackett in heaven barbara silberg loved this. my only nit is with dead planet since lucy couldn't be viewed on such. --barbara s. not allowed to stay up late and watch you listen a transistor radio under your pillow the monologue gaffs starlets coo stars plug punchlines below borschbelt. johnny won t tolerate blue. world spins innuendo. taps end it. tell kids there were three channels them about philosophy of trash compactors how everything was pressed together made safe by deputy dog where timothy just mule love universe. tv waves travel into space keep going when they ask change subject. says gabriel guy walks bar some crams bonbons her everlasting mouth. 83619 re infidels hannah jables- well perhaps it s best to not make a practice of reading poetry at 1 30 in the morning god only knows how skewed things look from this vantage point but i m crazy about this. steadying hand seems apparent bending already-always surreal aspects poem narrative suggestion that is reader or least . result namely confusion uncoupled interest very heavily coded and wasn t able really understand why. could be good. bad. thought portion was for they took one testicle left their angel. we carried our children back beds. overall though had sort an ambivalent read think will particularly helpful anyway. thanks opportunity respond. -h 83620 literally and figuratively laurel when in passing you exclaimed i m as hungry a mole after killing the day pedaling through snow--my feet are cold complained come closer rub my soles warm them with your hands--i knew didn t know exactly what were trying to say. took hunger first literally. since moles like hummingbirds all tiny creatures have super-accelerated metabolisms that run at such rapid speeds rodents eat constantly just keep those little machines running. never leaves. feed but stave. also metaphor boring holes digging hard soil search of beetles worms over-sized hands swimming dirt motion always forward forward. dark journeying me standing barefoot wet grass peering down tunnel. 83621 re literally and figuratively slosh i am very taken with this passage below all before it was happy to get over in a hurry but part-- as said liked well hunger you feed never stave. also took your metaphor the mole boring holes digging through hard soil search of beetles worms those over-sized hands swimming dirt motion always forward forward. dark journeying me standing barefoot wet grass peering down tunnel. 83622 literally and figuratively revision laurel when in passing you exclaimed i m as hungry a mole after killing the day pedaling through snow--my feet are cold complained come closer rub my soles warm them with your hands--i knew didn t know exactly what were trying to say. took hunger first literally. since moles like hummingbirds all tiny creatures have super-accelerated metabolisms that run at such rapid speeds rodents eat constantly just keep those little machines running. never leaves. feed but stave. also metaphor boring holes digging hard soil search of beetles worms over-sized hands swimming dirt motion always forward forward. dark journeying me standing barefoot wet grass peering down tunnel. still cold. pedaled away look how far you've gotten. i'm reminded now photograph row dead strung up on barbed wire fence. why is 83623 lost in redemption ctg christopher t george stacy and i ninja-climb the hoary gnarled redwood her ribbed ancient bark ascend a tenth of mile from green sorrel forest floor to enter wilderness that has flourished here two millennia gathering harboring beard lichens leather-leaf ferns mosses. flying squirrels squeak past me as cinch my lanyard check blake's hitch. breathe breathes she holds our lives limbo. switches on silver miner's lamp study huckleberries record blood red fruit with digital camera. further redemption's canopy seek sunlight crown hang free motion pass orange hollows caves held fire long blows kiss one explorer another redemption. t. 83624 re literally and figuratively si mon you sure are on a kick writing poems about the process....or looking at life everything in it as kind of poem. i thought this one was little too blocky...and part explaining mole huunger sounded much like out book or pbs special...i made some changes...below. when passing exclaimed m hungry after killing day pedaling through snow--my feet cold complained come closer rub my soles warm them with your hands--i knew didn t know exactly what were saying. took hunger first literally. since moles hummingbirds have super-accelerated metabolisms they to eat constantly just keep those machines running. that never leaves. must feed. also metaphor boring holes digging hard soil search beetles. worms swimming dirt. dark journeying me standing barefoot wet grass peering down tunnel. 83625 re literally and figuratively revision si mon well i critted your original...not sure like what you have done with the ending...i must admitt when first read poem it as peeing down tunnel. nice shock value there. in passing exclaimed m hungry a mole after killing day pedaling through snow--my feet are cold complained come closer rub my soles warm them hands--i knew didn t know exactly were trying to say. took hunger literally. since moles hummingbirds all tiny creatures super-accelerated metabolisms that run at such rapid speeds rodents eat constantly just keep those little machines running. never leaves. feed but stave. also metaphor boring holes digging hard soil search of beetles worms over-sized hands swimming dirt motion always forward forward. dark journeying me standing barefoot wet grass peering still cold. pedaled away look how far you've gotten. i'm reminded now photograph row dead strung up on barbed wire fence. why is 83626 re confront your cornea si mon this has some good lines and movement -- i would cut the first line if you keep it as a title...more below. demand to see seeing grab hold vision. avoid belated reaction. don t listen. grimace like john grisham s latest formula. for success find bits of glass. poke prod them. them in soup. truncate angle structure. excavate full frontal reflection . count on clock-like think need another word reaction since used at poem's start change. change range mistaking what is real simply chicken stock with chives pork chop. someday ll shape shades every meal time body cavity will fill pages erased rewritten. again 83627 re literally and figuratively revision hannah l- hey i really like this. a lot. the opening in particular. prefer what you did coming back to cold feet...but still not sold on these last two lines i'm reminded just now of photograph row dead moles strung up barbed wire fence. why is that other than think this good good. thnx -h 83628 re literally and figuratively revision cyocom interesting worth further work. there are several points of confusion where some punctuation changes would keep the reader from having to come out poem parse grammar. inlines. noi when in passing you exclaimed i m as hungry a mole after killing day pedaling through snow--my feet who killed snow or cold complained closer rub my soles warm them with your hands--i knew didn t know exactly what were trying say. took hunger first literally. since moles like hummingbirds all tiny creatures have super-accelerated metabolisms that run this read me creatures. was surprising thought they inhabit different layers ecosphere unscrambled it on second read. at such rapid speeds rodents eat constantly just those little machines running. never leaves. feed but stave. also metaphor boring holes digging hard soil search beetles worms over-sized hands swimming dirt motion always forward forward. dark journeying standing barefoot wet grass peering down tunnel. conflates 'you' which is interesting. still cold. think simply making statement demonstrates literal. don't need parallel construction prop title. pedaled away look how far you've gotten. i'm reminded now photograph row dead strung up barbed wire fence. why final question doesn't be stated. if has been paying attention their response question. feel it's preferable leave end open reader's interpretation. 83629 re infidels jables hannah i'm not trying to be argumentative here but i would just like ask a follow up question. can you speak of anything more specific the coded meaning this. my eyes this is simple narrative poem though who are left reader. either those come from water or ones tried burn down sky. want make at least bearable so any direction could offer greatly appreciated. p.s. thanks for taking time comment. jables- well perhaps it s best practice reading poetry 1 30 in morning god only knows how skewed things look vantage point m crazy about steadying hand seems apparent bending already-always surreal aspects suggestion that reader . result namely confusion uncoupled interest very heavily and wasn t able really understand why. good. bad. thought portion was they took one testicle their angel. we carried our children back beds. overall had sort an ambivalent read think will particularly helpful anyway. opportunity respond. -h 83630 re infidels jables jacob thanks for the read and comments. will work on those things. i like structure of this poem. arrangement nouns verb spare use adjectives enjambments commas colon even ailliteration. subject matter -- images thoughts etc... but actual words don't do it me. they lack a depth reference that understand want them to conjure up some sort grandiose context with revision think can. guess what i'm saying is keep lot levels play around different words. 83631 infidels 2 jables they swam through empty water to kill the beach and burn our hearts of palm. left a warning leave sky alone. we didn't learn. returned tore down stars we'd built but moon as it was too heavy move. wept that could not stop them. miguel raised his fist. for this took one testicle two dead fish with tide. carried them shore. washed their faces eyes were dunes. 83632 re literally and figuratively jables laurel i read all the way through but wanted to stop at since moles like hummingbirds tiny creatures have super-accelerated metabolisms that run such rapid speeds this is where poem turned into prose for me. rhyme you'd started early on stopped as far could tell. just makes a startling change here. last two lines though are great. hope i've helped some. j. when in passing you exclaimed m hungry mole after killing day pedaling snow--my feet cold complained come closer rub my soles warm them with your hands--i knew didn t know exactly what were trying say. took hunger first literally. rodents eat constantly keep those little machines running. never leaves. feed stave. also metaphor boring holes digging hard soil search of beetles worms over-sized hands swimming dirt motion always forward forward. dark journeying me standing barefoot wet grass peering down tunnel. 83633 christo's latest hit michael mv i believe the gates should be kept up until at least after halloween 2005 http www.christojeanneclaude.net sharedmedia thegates update tuesday _h1u0905.jpg _h1u1064.jpg _h1u1027.jpg _h1u1462.jpg central park in winter blues bare. wrapping bodies before rap and victoria's undies tapped into fashion. cognito theme song wrap-a-rap-a-rap they call him wrapper wrap he knows what he's after. www.superseventies.com sl_rapper.html 83634 to add michael mv maybe don't title this one 83635 scriabin geoff . his one true friend was hitler. the last circle molotov prepared all diplomatic feelers and suggested amendments for hitler-stalin treaties that laid a firm irresistible groundwork german general staff's mean spirited plans revenge on france stab-in-the-back- that-never-happened 1919. this became sirloin steak potatoes smothered in onions of second world war. great russian specialty secret music composition uncle. mystic secrets lore it would be worst than pointless to explain musical west. molotov's real name scriabin. armies strike not far from moscow. given may day glorious forces drive force march directly red square hellish front lines. muscovite pasternaks flowed effortlessly out society. dilettante sons drew marvelous sketches their daughters as debutantes. composed inspired waltzes they danced with them. mothers whispered together ages by fire made complete every detail link families genetic history. could begin suspect those west might never penetrate falling skies insurmountable suffering desolated mere mortals. leone 83636 re buddy hackett in heaven geoff re. heaven. for si mon. i like this piece a lot though mostly its subject. think there is fatal division of emphasis when the special pleading to children comes and frankly fizzles out. alas ambiguity that was also name another man clarinet player big bands but small jazz groups. things about memory near forgotten recent american past. may sound funny it impossible place scene most poems any competence. they appear written geographical cultural vacuum. suspect dreadful inferiority complex there. begins by revelling local detail which respect greatly. best not allowed stay up late watch you listen with transistor radio under your pillow monologue gaffs starlets coo stars plug punchlines below borschbelt. johnny won t tolerate blue. world spins on innuendo. taps end it. tell kids were only three channels them philosophy trash compactors how everything pressed together made safe deputy dog where timothy just mule love universe. tv waves travel into space keep going ask change says gabriel guy walks bar some dead planet lucy crams bonbons her everlasting mouth. eof 83637 re a dream poem 's lovely demise geoff re. for ryan. wm. burroughs used to take pieces of ads cut them up in hat and paste together or let allan ginsberg who cares . he called this novel. sometimes poems. when people got bored making no sense finnegan's wake they turned new idol make of. piece reminds me lot burroughs' maybe ginsberg's best my dearest aphasia the morning i will be zzz-ing your cabana honey fetus curl lip tell you that love is but narrow escape. gestalten interpretation preferred presuppose am burning suitcase symbolic swimming pool gasoline david must have lit it light everything on heartfire. what do policemen think rodent smoke busted come behemoth zebra scuttle off perplexing stentorian sashay ambling catastrophe claxon klaxon so sad girl perform chass dancing move side way manner-ship child leads with left foot drags right heavy upon get-a-way o head brainache ergo severe calx chest fluxing lime burnt unslaked nightrain wets heart puddle reflection unnerved by tennis shoe--the. 83638 re in the wilds geoff re. wilds. for yoly. this sort of reminds me when i first studied foreign languages. you look at them and wonder does mean anything all course finally learn that there is nothing to say swedish or french can't just as well english. pass salt similar. no longer am infected. piece revels its inability focus. perhaps author might warn those with reading glasses remove they won't need here. best tonight s affair hops my brain waves white-leather booths penny puddles on cobbled streets gold traffic-lights cautioning red-sea immersed lips - but chimera soon dissolves kelp silence struggle corner rumors between his bones mine from ocean night graveled voice finds worship king david missed out blue illusions become baby schools swimming feast. 83639 re infidels geoff re. for jables. welcome to the love feast many writers think writing poetry is easy and when i read this know one who does. a series of fragments that arranged represent thoughts images but in fact these are just casual fragments. perhaps you gentle reader has patience join difficult task co-creation what if they don't make readers like used best swam through startled water crawled beach boiled our hearts palm left dead angel slumped as driftwood. from shore their footprints led trail sandy throats children. them we explained everything yes wanted burn down sky. miguel fed fire. wept could not stop him. took testicle angel. carried children back beds. washed faces eyes already with sleep. 83640 re christo's latest hit michael mv editing is an on-going thing central park in the winter blues bare. rapt bodies any and everywhere before rap's hips hopped victoria's undies were tapped into fashion. solo his theme's cognito wrap-a-rap-a-rap they call him wrapper wrap he knows what he's after. 83641 re infidels geoff sidebar for s bern. you're right. absolutely poetry is an impossible art so it's tragic if you bought a whole box of pencils expecting something little more civilized. best i'm kinda on the outside what say in this poem. i want to be inside but 'kinda' outside. then don't know anyone can authentically someone writes-- that not person doing writing-- even writer often he himself writes. how do we write know. sbern 83642 re christo's latest hit jables ah christo the original wrap artist. not a lot to this really. i think it's really just riffing but that's my take on it. kind of left me with smirk face esoteric. what isn't right haven' they shut down central park for art sold yet keep at might get it later. j. editing is an on-going thing in winter blues bare. rapt bodies any and everywhere before rap's hips hopped victoria's undies were tapped into fashion. solo his theme's cognito wrap-a-rap-a-rap call him wrapper he knows he's after. 83643 re infidels 2 asher jables-- who are the where is water why empty perhaps or that a trope killing would i allow myself to come up with conjectures on what you may be thinking if poem exists as one abstraction do they tear down stars pleasing way of saying people were shot m introduced so late in and i'm supposed catch some import his being named though piece was always precise naming write need say prose consider it for weeks suffer grow inflamed inside until have no choice but it. that's tr sterlings phd. said at conference canadian poetics. follow him like god damn maniac. anyway don't mind me. cool see revision this feel inclined. hope my comments not discouraging. swam through kill beach burn our hearts palm. left warning leave sky alone. we didn't learn. returned tore we'd built moon too heavy move. wept could stop them. miguel raised fist. took testicle two dead fish tide. carried them shore. washed their faces eyes dunes. 83644 re literally and figuratively asher laurel--this is good. i love how the consonace links up mole snow cold closer sole various interpretations knew didn t know exactly what you were trying to say. explored thematically in poem. so title was an apt one my opinion. poem loses steam at hunger bit specifically a feed but never stave. picking again after that. didn't care too much for little machines running. just like narrator creates conception metaphor then it comes life even conceiving somehow seperate from or apart it... staring down tunnel it's really narrator's no when passing exclaimed m as hungry killing day pedaling through snow--my feet are complained come rub soles warm them with your hands--i took first literally. since moles hummingbirds all tiny creatures have super-accelerated metabolisms that run such rapid speeds rodents eat constantly keep those leaves. also boring holes digging hard soil search of beetles worms over-sized hands swimming dirt motion always forward forward. dark journeying me standing barefoot wet grass peering tunnel. 83645 re literally and figuratively asher since we're both exploring misreadings of technical terms i'll make sure i correct myself wink . assonance not consonace -9 laurel--this is good. love how the links up mole snow cold closer sole various interpretations knew didn t know exactly what you were trying to say. explored thematically in poem. so title was an apt one my opinion. poem loses steam at hunger bit specifically a feed but never stave. picking again after that. didn't care too much for little machines running. just like narrator creates conception metaphor then it comes life even conceiving somehow seperate from or apart it... staring down tunnel it's really narrator's no 83646 re infidels 2 jables asher i appreciate all of your comments. not discouraging in the least though am so puzzled why everyone believes this is abstract. i'm saying that it's since if it then must be true . believe being as concrete possible. having said will work harder at points you bring up. thanks for generous read. j. jables-- who are where water empty perhaps or a trope killing would allow myself to come up with conjectures on what may thinking poem exists one abstraction do they tear down stars pleasing way people were shot m introduced late and supposed catch some import his named piece was always precise naming write need say prose consider weeks suffer grow inflamed inside until have no choice but it. that's tr sterlings phd. conference canadian poetics. follow him like god damn maniac. anyway don't mind me. cool see revision feel inclined. hope my comments discouraging. 83647 re infidels jables for geoff thanks the read. i appreciate any comments about work. however don't you ever presume to know anything what believe based on a single work of mine. your casual generalizations my views poetry are not only unwelcome but dead wrong. that is hard and something be taken lightly as off-the-cuff remarks this poem. at last time looked was workshop dog pony show where people come get strokes. expect criticism me. j. re. jables. welcome love feast many writers think writing easy when read one who does. series fragments arranged represent thoughts images in fact these just fragments. perhaps gentle reader has patience join difficult task co-creation if they make readers like used best 83648 re hush jude goodwin let me say what a pleasure it is to follow your comments on others' poems. you nowhere believe that writing quick and easy. or parlor game. thanks geoff. yes true hard grinding deadly serious. never can quite grasp why i bother but am happy others do joying my way through sandburg's chicago poems his first published volume possibly best. he was slow learner however. every time someon says remind of someone get look person up read their it's all very interesting exciting. kinda like school backwards. the fact any reminds one anyone elses has gotta be testament racial consciousness - as in once done rests there available for newcomers tap subconsciously. this piece parallel with work. might cut half without loss. fact... sandburg rang changes style twenties its calculated innocence passe. when googled that's new verb now know poem came about moon child. too weird geoff 83649 re hush jude goodwin thank you sbern for dropping by yes the poem is pretty spare i had hoped it would come across as fulfilling in spite of or maybe because 83650 re hush jude goodwin i took some excerpts particularly liked and squished them. hope no offense is taken the road a grey bow knots around us. clutching herself she scuttles alongside our truck holding her womb. inside baby sleeps black trees repeat. white hands. stroke stroke. sleeps. thanks jacob for stopping to give your thoughts on this poem - glad you found sections that pleased 83651 re hush jude goodwin i like this but think you could cut the first 5 lines and start with strong creased paper image. too i'd to see break up into stanzas. -- barbara s hi thanks for dropping in crit. will take your thoughts me revision room 83652 re infidels 2 hannah jables- well asher answered the coding question pretty i think...although don't think would coin this as abstract. i'm not sure if your had some subtextual agenda or not. taking it at face value. relatively unimportant questions who are not-infidels what is significance of linguistic rendering only name in poem relationships between dead beach heart stars testicle fish themselves important relationship infidel and not-infidel i.e. distinction an issue belief practice tradition hard-coded value answer interesting that suggests departure warning opposed to conversion return faith old way being seeing interacting with world. how binary construction vs. speaker reflective allegory metaphor larger scope direction wishes make its own was literal have expected a lot more...umm...literalism. but isn't. so. can construct allusions metaphors for sure. they right know me gist heavily-coded poem--the work interpretation indeed creating device seems be mostly on reader. tend get bored. does propose substantiate effect reader engaged concept into something unique ---------- revision gained by removing angel balance-of-power reckoning natural divine other forces outside ken...although hard time understanding exactly represent. still. am trying particularly poem. mean. it's clearly crafted--i sloppiness lack effort knowledge. rather just connecting do say...and lieu there isn't really wordwork sound take up slack. -h 83653 notes to an interior country asher in the attic is a bat eye of moving blackbird. there are as was mildly alluded mountains furnace room move and black bird frozen room. deflamed. called sleeping giant thunder bay who awakens by pineal induction. you can just discern shape. open door attack draft host bed bugs known tendinitis. if top head isn't taken off white lightening yet consider bathroom bedroom. crane toilet plush blue rugs red washed walls. this where one releases their ache. signals which locate body. here should blackbird fossilize. digging underneath foundation shifts what jewel. precambrian genius genesis lang u age . 83654 re a dream poem 's lovely demise ryan thnx sir i agree thanks for stopping in 83655 re a dream poem 's lovely demise ryan thanks snip sn p paste 83656 re infidels 2 jables hannah thank you for this very generous read. i really do appreciate the deep thought you've put into it. your crit brings up a lot of questions to answer. thanks again great crit. j. p.s. don't ever worry about being hard on my stuff. expect hard. - jables- well asher answered coding question pretty think...although think would coin as abstract. i'm not sure if had some subtextual agenda or not. taking it at face value. relatively unimportant who are not-infidels what is significance linguistic rendering only name in poem relationships between dead beach heart stars testicle fish themselves important relationship infidel and not-infidel i.e. distinction an issue belief practice tradition hard-coded value answer interesting that suggests departure warning opposed conversion return faith old way seeing interacting with world. how binary construction vs. speaker reflective allegory metaphor larger scope direction wishes make its own was literal have expected more...umm...literalism. but isn't. so. can construct allusions metaphors sure. they right know me gist heavily-coded poem--the work interpretation indeed creating device seems be mostly reader. tend get bored. does propose substantiate effect reader engaged concept something unique ---------- revision gained by removing angel balance-of-power reckoning natural divine other forces outside ken...although time understanding exactly represent. still. am trying particularly poem. mean. it's clearly crafted--i sloppiness lack effort knowledge. rather just connecting say...and lieu there isn't wordwork sound take slack. -h 83657 re btw agraha my favorite poem all year thanks for the reminder. 83658 re christo's latest hit asher well what's the difference between poem and a wrapper that uses same rhetoric rhythm as rap song only to become what it proports has become--a ah christo original wrap artist. not lot this really. i think it's really just riffing but that's my take on it. kind of left me with smirk face esoteric. isn't right haven' they shut down central park for art sold yet keep at might get later. j. 83659 re scriabin asher hi geoff-- i enjoyed parts of this attempt to render history into the poetry but it sound contrived and slightly formulaic. i'm thinking last bit strophe 1 which sounds more like an undigested forced poetic construction. guess not so convinced that need be in a poem format wondering if could experiment with as prose thought strphe was preachy sort or trying get some message across constructed romantic emotive rather then forceful expressive tone is conveyed by linking syntax . did enjoy 2 though obvious knowledge you seem possess ability convey it. his one true friend hitler. circle molotov prepared all diplomatic feelers suggested amendments for hitler-stalin treaties laid firm irresistible groundwork german general staff's mean spirited plans revenge on france stab-in-the-back- that-never-happened 1919. became sirloin steak potatoes smothered onions second world war. great russian specialty secret music composition uncle. mystic secrets lore would worst than pointless explain musical west. molotov's real name scriabin. armies strike far from moscow. given may day glorious forces drive force march directly red square hellish front lines. muscovite pasternaks flowed effortlessly out society. dilettante sons drew marvelous sketches their daughters debutantes. composed inspired waltzes they danced them. mothers whispered together ages fire made complete every detail link families genetic history. begin suspect those west might never penetrate falling skies insurmountable suffering desolated mere mortals. geoff leone 83660 re infidels 2 asher jables--hannah is right of course it not abstract...my apologies...she offers some good insight i think. ag appreciate all your comments. discouraging in the least though am so puzzled why everyone believes this abstract. i'm saying that it's since if then must be true . believe being as concrete possible. having said will work harder at points you bring up. thanks for generous read. j. 83661 who knows from wherever. slosh there s somehow in my mind a game seen on canvas grained and plain boy wild eyed he mouth an ark legs canter background not dark but more severe odd shades gray. over cobbles past closed doors laced up windows busy stores bustling commerce the street out old dickens feet-- roars. toward me expanse whips hoop merry dance. barrel maker gives chase determined look ruddy face ll lose race. child wanton willful running wild. 83662 or in sonet fashion-- slosh there s somehow my mind a game seen on canvas grained and plain boy wild eyed he mouth an ark legs canter background-- not dark but more severe odd shades gray. over cobbles past closed doors laced up windows busy stores bustling commerce the street out old dickens feet-- roars. toward me from expanse whips hoop merry dance. barrel maker gives chase determined look ruddy face knows ll lose race. child wanton willful running wild. background 83663 cucamonga flyer jim corner i drive the black engine out of whistle echos through miles shanties produce sheds see an old man sweeping his porch piled crates. another load oranges bound for chicago oakland to salt lake - royal gorge kansas. wichita holds fast indian summer kansas city swelters in lingering humidity. north lake's south end big windy. nights caboose planets follow train and secretly weep tune rickity rack rack. fall will descend on my return a crazy quilt new pillow cases your ability apply lipstick taunt me while pacific softly rolls singing tahoooee jdc 83664 re who knows from wherever. jim corner there s somehow in my mind a game seen on canvas grained and plain boy wild eyed he mouth an ark legs canter background not dark but more severe odd shades gray. over cobbles past closed doors laced up windows busy stores bustling commerce the street out old dickens feet-- roars. toward me expanse whips hoop merry dance. barrel maker gives chase determined look ruddy face ll lose race. child wanton willful running wild. hi slosh very nice confessional. best 83665 re notes to an interior country jim corner in the attic is a bat eye of moving blackbird. there are as was mildly alluded mountains furnace room move and black bird frozen room. deflamed. called sleeping giant thunder bay who awakens by pineal induction. you can just discern shape. open door attack draft host bed bugs known tendinitis. if top head isn't taken off white lightening yet consider bathroom bedroom. crane toilet plush blue rugs red washed walls. this where one releases their ache. signals which locate body. here should blackbird fossilize. digging underneath foundation shifts what jewel. precambrian genius genesis lang u age . hi asher i'm not crazy about inclosures but i very much like imaginative message. enjoyed jdc 83666 re in the wilds yoly hi jables- thank you for stopping by. i appreciate your input. let's see where can take this if fact it be taken anywhere peace enjoy much of but think verbs are wrong. i'd go back and revisit them. don't best choices. example hops just doesn't seem to evoke right image. love ending though. those schools coming feast nicely done. j. 83667 re in the wilds yoly geoff- let those with glasses decide for themselves just as you have. thanks dropping by. peace re. wilds. yoly. this sort of reminds me when i first studied foreign languages. look at them and wonder does mean anything all course finally learn that there is nothing to say swedish or french can't well english. pass salt similar. no longer am infected. piece revels its inability focus. perhaps author might warn reading remove they won't need here. best geoff 83668 re notes to an interior country hannah asher- cool. lightning yes instead of lightening i think if we're going for the inference it's better go from lightning. enjoyed this. -h 83669 re the poem revised si mon beatles -- white album number nine. could be on pink floyd too but i never listened much to pf until my oldest son got into them and we tried watching wizard of oz while listening dark side moon... cut perhaps don't think this will stray from own hollow... thanks for stopping by 9. isn't that that's repeated at beginning or end a song it's late forget vaguely hear man pronouncing words nine with veddy british accent. cool little poem. enjoyed. liked your other poems too---were they called revision didn't comment as had no nits heck what's crit me without an edit tears pieces eh smile reminds counting crows. you in last line leave hanging let implied. know hour if just cute its damned good suggestion-wise. what hell. 9 waits be. all laurel 83670 re the poem revised si mon i am here for your pleasure. glad you enjoyed -- thanks commenting 83671 re the poem revised si mon patent pending of course -- s. re. revised. for i think one may write hundreds and pieces on basis this model. three cheers mechanical reproduction best geoff 83672 re the poem revised si mon thanks asher -- i think need to step out of my revision stage s. mon--this is an engaging little piece. like line 3 particularly never wakes and 6. for posting this 1 yawns pulls covers off 83673 re the poem revised si mon i've always wanted to rewrite a sonnet. line by byline. thanks -- s. is this what they mean 1 yawns pulls covers off toes of 2. 3 never wakes. 4 pushes pencils up his nose then 5 finds nursery rhymes erotic. 6 looks at sleepy and laughs forgetes say line. 7 sucks life out next 5. 13 waiting in be cutted or with 14th coupled. sonnet curtailed mv 83674 re buddy hackett in heaven si mon h. -- i don't suppose you will rush to read my poem hell lucy is the punchline... thanks for being s. simon- won t say this works explicitly me think there something that underexplained or underevaluated way innocence and novelty are attached bygone era. it may be a great deal popular culture but affect doesn always pan-out as smoothly me. i.e. ok even if accept somewhat monochrome past s performed where punchline how do we get back moment of now surely would give us maybe m dope not enough here work classically-simon method creating imbuing relevance. just little flat on top -hannah 83675 re buddy hackett in heaven si mon well -- she would still be there if the dead planet had a tv set and hanger stuck top. i don't know its monday again thanks for reading liking commenting appreciate it s. loved this. my only nit is with since lucy couldn't viewed on such. --barbara 83676 re buddy hackett in heaven si mon playing jazz -- i thought that was bobby a trumpet player... anyway thanks for the comments here s. re. heaven. mon. like this piece lot though mostly its subject. think there is fatal division of emphasis when special pleading to children comes and frankly fizzles out. alas ambiguity also name another man clarinet player big bands but small groups. things about memory near forgotten recent american past. may sound funny it impossible place scene most poems any competence. they appear written geographical cultural vacuum. suspect dreadful inferiority complex there. begins by revelling local detail which respect greatly. best geoff eof 83677 re notes to an interior country asher thanks for reading jim and hannah. i don't think got meaning across really...the point was different then a simple aesthetic message would have hoped. much tighten up the dickinson allusion--i wanted it be clear but not sure that is canadian narrator releasing headache quite literally high romantic which has nothing do with our poetics always focused on precambrian rather genuis or muse. from fr scott am klein rkrotcsh consistently doubted such notions as inspired muses puritanism religion etc. thank you very considering this piece make more clear... in attic bat eye of moving blackbird. there are mildly alluded mountains furnace room move black bird frozen room. deflamed. called sleeping giant thunder bay who awakens by pineal induction. can just discern shape. open door attack draft host bed bugs known tendinitis. if top head isn't taken off white lightening yet consider bathroom bedroom. crane toilet plush blue rugs red washed walls. where one releases their ache. signals locate body. here should blackbird fossilize. digging underneath foundation shifts what jewel. genius genesis lang u age . 83678 roofing bowen what we're here is a poem. two brothers crawl to the top strip steeple of its cross and let it fall faster than shadow. there's crash. people scatter. somewhere in utah religious thunder claps heads protestants. it's mess so ugly papers print color pictures. on roof dreaming goes on. hammers have day. jesus don't speak no english but he knows when poem's done. 83679 re scriabin bowen g i'd work on the line breaks. they're a little stilted and jarring to my ear. other comments within. . his one true friend was hitler. last circle molotov prepared all diplomatic feelers suggested amendments for hitler-stalin treaties that laid firm irresistible groundwork is too expected. have another word up your keyboard german general staff's mean spirited plans mean-spirited easy too. you need hyphen btw. revenge france stab-in-the-back- that-never-happened 1919. this became sirloin steak potatoes smothered in onions of second world war. are serious with i don't think metaphor works piece like this. could be wrong though. great russian specialty secret music composition uncle. mystic secrets lore it would worst than pointless explain musical west. molotov's real name scriabin. armies strike not far from moscow. given may day glorious forces drive force march directly red square hellish front lines. muscovite pasternaks flowed effortlessly out society. dilettante sons drew marvelous sketches their daughters as debutantes. composed inspired waltzes they danced them. mothers whispered together ages by fire made complete every detail link families genetic history. begin suspect those west might never penetrate falling skies insurmountable suffering desolated mere mortals. prose prose. geoff leone 83680 re notes to an interior country asher here was my specific intention hi ____ people seemed take the dickinsin allusion poetry as taking off top of head in wrong way...they stevens blackbird way well thinking that it meant dead america. has always been for a canadian poet i think. there are poet's like pk page and others who talk about sixth sense--even atwood murder dark her poem called third eye so imaged canada sleeping giant awakens by pineal induction anatomocally part brain is considered useless scientist besides think being involved secretion melatonin. this course linked bat notion dreaming lethargy vision unformed. instead orphic heat furnace deflamed which suggests inherent doubts such notions genuis genesis. trusting perhaps more silence itself or precambrian where no fossils...as dewdney consistently exploring his --fossils different layers earth etc--but also suggesting symbolic metaphorical turnover poetics much quicker. ie we have tradition but doesn't make us dig with through add onto subtract from without trying live up. attempt down rather then at any rate clear me not thought had some aesthetic universal message allusions. maybe attempts too little space. thanks reading jim hannah. don't got meaning across really...the point simple would hoped. tighten up dickinson allusion--i wanted be sure narrator releasing headache quite literally high romantic nothing do our focused on muse. fr scott am klein rkrotcsh doubted inspired muses puritanism religion etc. thank you very considering piece clear... 83681 re scriabin asher hey geoff-- i liked bowan's reading of the last bit as prose and agree with him although was a afraid to use that word because people aren't too interested in genre distinction these days. so mildly suggested poem. myself i'm just learning between poetry much appreciated bowans remarks. best ag . his one true friend hitler. circle molotov prepared all diplomatic feelers amendments for hitler-stalin treaties laid firm irresistible groundwork german general staff's mean spirited plans revenge on france stab-in-the-back- that-never-happened 1919. this became sirloin steak potatoes smothered onions second world war. great russian specialty secret music composition uncle. mystic secrets lore it would be worst than pointless explain musical west. molotov's real name scriabin. armies strike not far from moscow. given may day glorious forces drive force march directly red square hellish front lines. muscovite pasternaks flowed effortlessly out society. dilettante sons drew marvelous sketches their daughters debutantes. composed inspired waltzes they danced them. mothers whispered together ages by fire made complete every detail link families genetic history. could begin suspect those west might never penetrate falling skies insurmountable suffering desolated mere mortals. geoff leone 83682 re roofing hannah ash- probably not fair to comment on this. i lurk enough know the genesis of this particular poem think it s very apt for that target and agree wholesale with claudia advice get out it. if you feel must leave in consider a little re-roofing your own reference only last line. so why am responding since m but an echo wrong place at time because having thought about bit recently strikes good balance between coding clarity. i.e. story people are explicit narrative thread is concerned espousing history events or chronology can be followed rather some secondary affect words. literal clash occurs sonically physically also metaphorically terms language culture reality dreaming interest. what being roofed my estimation much more than another reason rid first line . would reconsider dialectical choice penultimate unless plan making reaction as something against stereotyping laborers text. one. -hannah 83683 re roofing asher bowan--i much enjoy poems which attempt to be enmeshed in the process of forming creating concieving a poetics. particular this piece roof poem is being constructed and an allusion cross torn off. strangely enough iambic sing song effect strip steeple its reminds me hymn i used choir so thought it humerous. people scatter reminded babel that narrator was going contend with as well his her unwriting. think loses subtety thunder clap bit. but did like final strophe. thanks what we're here poem. two brothers crawl top let fall faster than shadow. there's crash. scatter. somewhere utah religious claps heads protestants. it's mess ugly papers print color pictures. on dreaming goes on. hammers have day. jesus don't speak no english he knows when poem's done. 83684 re short poem long title david ayers jacob thanks. that line you mention was a carryover from the title. or maybe vice versa--i sometimes forget order of these things. but probably one two should be stricken i think makes sense. --d combination 'gun' and 'basements' gives me strong image to filter through. much seems hinting at those things...especially basement. my thought for revision would just get rid there are no basements. having it in takes away subtetly have going on throughout piece. 83685 re cucamonga flyer hannah jim- this doesn t work for me as a poem because it fails to transcend its simple place-naming strategy. if the is going be mere snapshot one might interested in reforming or tuning language point where of interest solely in-and-of-itself. think thoreau s what railroad sandburg window and so on. end relying on poet-generated images rather than echoes city names entities replacing weak modifiers old man lingering humidity secretly weep softly rolls verbs improving syntax i see an sweeping his porch piled crates more here train-oriented poems like boes millay travel dickinson levine berryman jarrell seems want with that particular close needs evidence better grasp conceit along style my opinion. make final strophe relevant top half torque isn just disappointment sudden undefined tumble into personal invective narrator observations keen potent significant less knee-jerk attempt at building pathos . sole line was planets follow train. found idea reorienting physics order own destination motion somewhat interesting but certainly didn up that. -h 83686 re short poem long title david ayers carol thanks. you know i have mixed feelings about the speaker's whole 'stance' in this piece. which comes out tone guess his or my attitude towards subject. should it be ironic sincere what do want to read tongue-in-cheek just cheeky so far haven't been able decide. but your suggestions would go a way clearing that up definitely. note on new orleans was last-minute addition almost an afterthought. for blues guess. recall from cemetery tour took there few years ago it's impossible bury people ground because close sea-level. something against repression something. yet irony. sublimation. agree conflicted. --dr jekyl inlines d. noi ---i think hallmark echo even though deliberate predisposes reader as light. ---there is bad me here--a hangover snarky comment one of poems by who said any begins with she certainly novice work. since are not merely bring attention event so. ---now getting past personal ice image effective and like paired ceiling. at first thought face window then under pond surface last conflate ceiling ice. rarely freezes causes little problem. may too. seems too directive doesn't into it. ---love ---scrub line. bow wrap poem. 83687 re short poem long title david ayers lol you know i actually tried the word cielo first but then that got me thinking about mexico and just couldn't get it to gel. though maybe n.o. doesn't either. dunno there's a little curve on side of road keep driving by. that's probably where should be. --d going repetition. like it. too have been working bit with repeating myself in poem. effectual what telling myself. lose heaven i'd rather hear something even more ridiculous she come here often. go away she's gone baby. gone. ice crisscrossed pierced stars. because ceiling cracks part her breaking. is so subjective. i've ruined your love s. 83688 re short poem long title david ayers i prefer the second half of as title. happiness being a warm gun--isn't that song lyric oh yes indeed. it's beatles song. actually would rather listen to than read this so that's probably sign you're right. think what should do is come up with whole new altogether. i'm thinking you create your own poetic form. scary idea. don't tempt me --d 83689 ps a sorry i think what was trying to say is that the canadian tradition doesn't need paradigm for individualism as americans have. we are always already pioneers and individualists before ist conceived in american tradition. have but our definitely more fluid humble enough allow change without complexity of living up predecessors although do poetic giants these all unique whereas there does seem be lineage quality tradition...our poets like rk evidenced his allowing other people add parts sc much open fluidity irony. finding man or woman never found o think. feel belong digging simply passing on shovel rather then torch. here my specific intention hi ____ seemed take dickinsin allusion poetry taking off top head wrong way...they stevens blackbird way well thinking it meant dead america. has been poet poet's pk page others who talk about sixth sense--even atwood murder dark her poem called third eye so imaged canada sleeping giant awakens by pineal induction anatomocally part brain considered useless scientist besides being involved secretion melatonin. this course linked bat notion dreaming lethargy vision unformed. instead orphic heat furnace deflamed which suggests inherent doubts such notions genuis genesis. trusting perhaps silence itself precambrian where no fossils...as dewdney consistently exploring --fossils different layers earth etc--but also suggesting symbolic metaphorical turnover poetics quicker. ie make us dig with through onto subtract from live up. attempt down at any rate clear me not thought had some aesthetic universal message allusions. maybe attempts too little space. thanks reading jim hannah. 83690 re short poem long title david ayers jude thanks. good ideas for cleaning this up making it more sensible. i'll look your the is certainly promising. --d i definitely found lyrical and haunting beautiful. however i'd like to see precise. example if she in heaven would not just come here often wouldn't at all thoughts within --- why happiness a warm gun or there are no basements new orleans without bit. doesn't go away. she's heaven. ice crisscrossed with stars. today because ceiling cracks that's part of her breaking in. feel barometer. you may too. 'because' seems imprecise. could be 'where' 'when' ... realize we talking colloquialism but wish were logical attic cement. lampposts as previous now one that have tried hush enjoy these repeats. dark children. basements. broke step coming saw chalk debris darling bulbs. wanted get out there. taught me song. know boy-arms flying horse show side speaking first down levee hearse went off on beautiful train. was my brain. loved ending lines. wonderful thank 83691 re short poem long title david ayers geoff thanks. i'm glad you found this well-written. --d 83692 re hush david ayers jude hi. i liked this quite a lot. wanted to try it with few changes see below but mostly it. reminds me almost perfectly of lullaby as i'm sure you intended. --d thanks moon is woman. the baby holds her string balloon jerking through black trees congratulations spins and jumps. deep sky stars are creased paper lining cedar drawer white hands caress knits within fold fold. road grey bow turns knots around us. night gift its woman punched. great line. next several lines in particular really swell. clutching herself she scuttles alongside our truck holding womb while inside sleeps repeat across face . suggest cut here for variety--both metrical syntactical. or b c it's holistic more true dunno just like turning plate high hum wheels sing stroke something akin this. maybe moved down line--and sleeps. space between that line main body poem. yet repetition perhaps. 83693 re who knows from wherever. hannah slosh- i m trying. promise. some cross between philip levine and peter pan have tone issues. let s say ok with the crazy-crazy syntax all that. even think aside those beastly that it pretty readable elisions are sort of natural enough although very apparent they not completely disruptive . how do reconcile nigh perfect-speech last two lines makes whole poem seem like a lot effort mostly to get final lines. which is mostly. images never out ark arc metaphorical significance hoop gray shops also weird doors closed windows laced up signifying restraint inaccessibility whatever yet busy streets bustling pans well for me old barrel maker young boy pursuit chase on both ends works well. without dickens reference would been inclined read as if less motivated than certainly nefarious more an alter-ego devil. there stuff in here but sure style meets perfectly conceit yet. my opinion. -hannah p.s. haven t had any caffeine maybe asleep just getting it. 83694 re literally and figuratively david ayers terrific except i would just end it this way ...a dark a journeying hunger me standing barefoot in the wet grass peering down at you. which leaves reader to infer what is seen or not seen. figutative literal. etc. frees reader. forces apprises also think that close makes whole rather more self-reflexive basically space inhabit these days. --d 83695 re roofing bowen hannah yes. i know claudia from back in the day and she's usually right. i'm thinking of making that first line what they're doing is roofing. will most likely change jesus to regular english leave it at that. thanks for read comments. ash- probably not fair comment on this. lurk enough genesis this particular poem think s very apt target agree wholesale with advice get out it. if you feel must consider a little re-roofing your own reference only last line. so why am responding since m but an echo wrong place time because having thought about bit recently strikes good balance between coding clarity. i.e. story people are explicit narrative thread concerned espousing history events or chronology can be followed rather some secondary affect words. literal clash occurs sonically physically also metaphorically terms language culture reality dreaming interest. being roofed my estimation much more than another reason rid . would reconsider dialectical choice penultimate unless plan reaction as something against stereotyping laborers text. one. -hannah 83696 re roofing bowen asher i always appreciate your read and comments this has been no exception. time efforts with my stuff. will take a look at the thunder clap see what can do there. best a. bowan--i much enjoy poems which attempt to be enmeshed in process of forming creating concieving poetics. particular piece roof poem is being constructed an allusion cross torn off. strangely enough iambic sing song effect strip steeple its reminds me hymn used choir so thought it humerous. people scatter reminded babel that narrator was going contend as well his her unwriting. think loses subtety bit. but did like final strophe. thanks 83697 re who knows from wherever. david ayers hey you know this loses me right at the very beginning--i'm inclined to jump in but can quite. almost not meter is i dunno making a z or something. then get caught back up over cobbles --and that's more pellmell di stich whatever that is--and there really like it. --d s somehow my mind game seen on canvas grained and plain boy wild eyed he mouth an ark legs canter background dark severe odd shades gray. past closed doors laced windows busy stores bustling commerce street out old dickens feet-- roars. toward expanse whips hoop merry dance. barrel maker gives chase determined look ruddy face ll lose race. child wanton willful running wild. 83698 poem with subtitles david ayers walking around her in the snow which is like wax by factory describing a dream you once had eaves of and icicles this girl who wears mittens has to wear so you're wondering about hands manner degas sculpture held tight itself that his dancers dark liquid warm bronze for example sealed letter it could have been there replica doorway beside coat rack where put your on one little dancer or spanish dance tiffany lamp perhaps she was beginning rub today saying name over not but another that's tongue-tip some time hiding shape taking out cheek rodin makes lesson grow great now given rather more amorphous quality particularly they touch each other rising from breast reach across unbelievable distance body ground baby birds instance freezing weather no reason than raincoat mother against reality lifting their necks up almost 83699 original mother asher what was a father before the silence of arrested growth border grew cancerous in gut--this labyrinth minus mythic allusion sign place this ribbed epistle here adam emerges from rib eve . you pass me shovel there never torch haughty blood just lacuna space between and you. flame or to blame but country axle his tory cogged bones stories still speaking within sap myth that longs for as existed narrative devoid sequence sentence which wraps itself around neck confesses at last. confessing is spitting out an absorption land-- how it floods flood person could wend colloquial english absorb attempt red hill tamil nadu. aruna achala reads fire. vedanta land where were kicked loose crow caw now. speak are now through begging bowl made bones. i found on edge ganges named when one river imaged himalayas hindu kush. flows all we can say. born canada becomes sheath published anthology poems aboriginals before--always passing shrouds shovels. always guessing. read fire clocked by shiva--to tackle climb it. shaved head peeling scalp gray webbed patterns. flecking dust upon without name with quiet respect. he fell off waterfall dhoti torn thorns couldn't westerners vomiting angular lines eating dahl rice banana leaves. arrived cave. cave mucked beauty its defied unnerved yasmin garlands lakshmi. wanted merge passed him pick lock axe granite underneath ation house exists axis already timeless beams swathed your mute vocables. shame. thank kindly door--exited space. voyeurs many cultures--caught nexus web cultures boarding unboarding planes trains skulls. poem arrive. fall cliff may be crack mountain admits element water. should have chosen path interior twisting winding something happened attempted defy culture became crazed casted our conflicted self...arrested growth. released moorings earth. constructed releasing into need larger than itself. would brood bang flesh encode decode yawn open curtains no ground. ground being perhaps not enough live. simply thirst why set first place. 83700 potage au pain noir jables he makes a soup of salmon roe and dark bread. draws cigarette watches its long knot smoke unravel in the light. ladles bowl carries it to boy holding blood back with rag stuffed his shorts. he's seen this before. an hour he'll return him port shore. won't even look see if winces when walks. 83701 re poem with subtitles jables d love the title. i first say third up to about word bronze. loses interest me there but it picks back around last or so. that ending for my money almost is worth price of admission. i'd like see middle dressed a little. could be seems little too loose there. enjoyed overall. j. walking her in snow which wax by factory describing dream you once had eaves and icicles this girl who wears mittens has wear so you're wondering hands manner degas sculpture held tight itself his dancers dark liquid warm bronze example sealed letter have been replica doorway beside coat rack where put your on one dancer spanish dance tiffany lamp perhaps she was beginning rub today saying name over not another that's tongue-tip some time hiding shape taking out cheek rodin makes lesson grow great now given rather more amorphous quality particularly they touch each other rising from breast reach across unbelievable distance body ground baby birds instance freezing weather no reason than raincoat mother against reality lifting their necks 83702 re poem with subtitles asher david--absolutely lovely ironic tender. my only problem is the similes...i've been recently taught to question their necessity. ie why language inadequate express a thing as it i guess may be more of taste. thought title could made detailed in some way...although like not interesting enough for other readers you simply say waxy snow. get sense that narrator pretty close child...you know reminds me romantic poetry but an incisive and humour behind it. emphasize although there are many textual clues...so suggest allowing sort merging into child mind snow . perhaps would see this way. few echoes rilke here. think had problems forth last strophe because did sound overly...dunno. maybe was intended don't have time do better critique. walking around her which wax by factory describing dream once eaves icicles girl who wears mittens has wear so you're wondering about hands manner degas sculpture held tight itself his dancers dark liquid warm bronze example sealed letter replica doorway beside coat rack where put your on one little dancer or spanish dance tiffany lamp she beginning rub today saying name over another that's tongue-tip hiding shape taking out cheek rodin makes lesson grow great now given rather amorphous quality particularly they touch each rising from breast reach across unbelievable distance body ground baby birds instance freezing weather no reason than raincoat mother against reality lifting necks up almost 83703 re potage au pain noir asher jables--i liked this one. i think have an idea o f what you're trying to do now so i'll be able respond more courteously your posts. sort of atmospheric pieces snipped out life. you any he makes a soup salmon roe and dark bread. draws cigarette watches its long knot smoke unravel in the light. ladles bowl carries it boy holding blood back with rag stuffed his shorts. he's seen before. hour he'll return him port shore. won't even look see if winces when walks. 83704 re cucamonga flyer asher hi jim generally i agree with hannah on this one although thought that it was the began to be an evocative piece especially in second last strophe. am reminded of wordsworths hermits woods along forget name poem . shanties are a card board. strophe 2 didn't bother me. wasn't sure importance 3 terms elucidating link up discrete imagery if you aiming for tight symbolic metaphorical network. also liked your ability apply lipstick line. thanks posting and hope see revision feel so inclined. best ag drive black engine out whistle echos through miles produce sheds old man sweeping his porch piled crates. another load oranges bound chicago oakland salt lake - royal gorge kansas. wichita holds fast indian summer kansas city swelters lingering humidity. north lake's south end big windy. nights caboose planets follow train secretly weep tune rickity rack rack. fall will descend my return crazy quilt new pillow cases taunt me while pacific softly rolls singing tahoooee jdc 83705 re who knows from wherever. asher hey i enjoyed this very much. thought the rhythm and banal tone punctuation etc were a nice parady of dickins conception childhood or at least some sort romantic victorian childhood. would lose ark completely. consider tightening up line breaks so it looks like mock lyric something. elucidate what is you seem to be parodying if i'm reading correctly. do something blake with last high dose irony there s somehow in my mind game seen on canvas grained plain boy wild eyed he mouth an legs canter background not dark but more severe odd shades gray. over cobbles past closed doors laced windows busy stores bustling commerce street out old dickens feet-- roars. toward me expanse whips hoop merry dance. barrel maker gives chase determined look ruddy face ll race. child wanton willful running wild. 83706 re potage au pain noir jables asher thank you for the read. do i have more only a few. these last couple been kind of spare me not necessarily atypical my stuff but little dryer than tend to be. thanks again no nits j. jables--i liked this one. think an idea o f what you're trying now so i'll be able respond courteously your posts. sort atmospheric pieces snipped out life. any 83707 re original mother asher what was a father before the silence of arrested growth border grew cancerous in gut--this labyrinth minus mythic allusion sign place this ribbed epistle here adam emerges from rib eve . you pass me shovel there never torch haughty blood just lacuna space between and you. flame or to blame but country pakistan axle his tory cogged bones stories. still speaking within sap family tree that longs for as existed narrative devoid sequence our languge somewhere else sentence which wraps itself around neck confesses at last. confessing is spitting out an absorption land--it floods it flood how person could wend colloquial english absorb attempt red hill tamil nadu. aruna achala reads fire. vedanta islam salam. land where were kicked loose crow caw now. speak are now through bone bowl. muffled. rafters on house ship these maniac walls rafts sail sea blood--we 1947. i found bowl edge ganges named when one river imaged himalayas hindu kush--a muffled voice. cheering gave speech formation pakistan--you take back--attempt to. flows all we can say. born canada becomes sheath published anthology poems aboriginals before--always passing shrouds shovels. guessing rightly so. read fire clocked by shiva--to tackle climb it. shaved head peeling scalp gray webbed patterns. flecking dust upon without name with quiet respect spit off waterfall dhoti torn thorns he couldn't name. westerners vomit angular lines eating dahl rice banana leaves. am them who no answer. arrived cave skanda ashram mucked beauty its defied unnerved yasmin garlands lakshmi. wanted e merge silence--a sort tomb womb. passed him pick lock curse shame--to find hind sight bat brooded into 1947 crossed crossing border. axe granite underneath ation exists border--without axis already timeless beams swathed your mute vocables. shame. thank kindly door--exited space. voyeurs many cultures--caught nexus web boarding unboarding planes trains skulls. poem arrive don't arrive. so mezmorize story fall cliff may be crack mountain admits element water. should have chosen path interior twisting winding choice matter taste. gentle men breed black babies tongue alien words pipers strife sea. plane circling atlantic drop silence. listen closely. something happened attempted defy cult ure became crazed casted conflicted self...arrested. released moorings earth. constructed releasing need larger than itself. would brood bang flesh encode decode yawn open curtains ground. ground being perhaps not enough live. carpet trees. simply thirst why set first place. posit 83708 re hush jude goodwin thank you david for stopping by on this and your comments. i enjoyed playing with the repeats. will take thoughts to revision room me hi. liked quite a lot. wanted try it few changes see below but mostly it. reminds almost perfectly of lullaby as i'm sure intended. --d thanks ayers moon is woman. baby holds her string balloon jerking through black trees congratulations spins jumps. deep sky stars are creased paper lining cedar drawer white hands caress knits within fold fold. road grey bow turns knots around us. night gift its woman punched. great line. next several lines in particular really swell. clutching herself she scuttles alongside our truck holding womb while inside sleeps repeat across face . suggest cut here variety--both metrical syntactical. or b c it's holistic more true dunno just like turning plate high hum wheels sing stroke something akin this. maybe moved down line--and sleeps. space between that line main body poem. yet repetition perhaps. 83711 thanks all slosh i spotted the odd spots and typos after posted without a password yes know my rhythm is often times hard to jump into just hate regular beat -- fixed now hope. remember-- art of dancing with two left feet bring them both ball. who knows from wherever there s somehow in mind game seen on canvas grained. plain boy wild eyed his mouth an ark he legs canter background-- not dark but more severe shades gray. over cobbles past closed doors laced up windows busy stores bustling commerce street out old dickens --on roars. toward me expanse whips hoop merry dance. barrel maker gives chase determined look ruddy face ll lose race. child wanton willful world wild. grained 83713 re poem with subtitles amy david i enjoyed this for no other reason than the absolutely magical way that you continued to sustain note had established at title. there was something devilishly clever about what did here as a rule begin scale work down human understanding and asks answers happens relationship if are work. may not have gotten exactly doing but wanted thank got from it. thanks walking around her in snow which is like wax by factory describing dream once eaves of icicles girl who wears mittens has wear so you're wondering hands manner degas sculpture held tight itself his dancers dark liquid warm bronze example sealed letter it could been replica doorway beside coat rack where put your on one little dancer or spanish dance tiffany lamp perhaps she beginning rub today saying name over another that's tongue-tip some time hiding shape taking out cheek rodin makes lesson grow great now given rather more amorphous quality particularly they touch each rising breast reach across unbelievable distance body ground baby birds instance freezing weather raincoat mother against reality lifting their necks up almost 83714 the angel of dresden -- revised ctg christopher t george after first death there is no other. dylan thomas nadia was my in those pre-war days when i a student architecture come to study baroque zwinger palace opera house that witnessed passion tristan and isolde. we gorged on strawberries swigged kr g by deep currents elbe laughed ourselves silly as smoked player's capstan until english sailor packet reminded her brother otto hitler's kriegsmarine . later i'd dream would kiss valentine pin it inside chemise. smelled lavender scent. forget me not liebchen at time allied firebombing refugees from east swelled city imagined odors damp wool stale cooking families huddled round heater's iris flame. then died fires valentine's day '45. allies had learned something nazis' blitzkrieg how create firestorm sear humans ground burn nightmares forever. t. 83715 re original mother amy asher i'm responding not so much to this poem as tell you what happens me when i read your poems just in case such a narrative could be of use you. open them and the first few sentences. then scroll down see how long it is weigh likelihood that attempting going make feel like have adult add against will able cope with said feeling either charge forward or hit back arrow on my browser. if it's too late already though might click more times over next hour am still at computer but probably never finish quite certain brain cells are leaking out ears while sleep. necessarily conscious pep talk must stumble least once all way through trust sense embarking upon journey for express purpose being lost decentered. often only things steady enough about grab onto even re-reading don't sense. later wonder they tied here there. end left schizophrenia. cheers 83717 in locos somnium amy my last dream parked the wrong place and was towed but that's because city cares it really does. there are lots of cameras guardrails so if wingnuts loosen then ohm buoys will at least stay tethered to overpasses all bad particles can be sent away with bells pushed bottom ocean sucked out later a giant hose mean time interests fill potholes impound us from ourselves while we sleep. 83720 re in locos somnium christopher t george my last dream parked the wrong place and was towed but that's because city cares it really does. there are lots of cameras guardrails so if wingnuts loosen then ohm buoys will at least stay tethered to overpasses all bad particles can be sent away with bells pushed bottom ocean sucked out later a giant hose mean time interests fill potholes impound us from ourselves while we sleep. hi amy having gone through some bureaucratic hoops claptrap these past few days i clue into this well-wrought witty piece. very nice work. linebreaks appear bit quirky strange is good... - chris 83721 re original mother asher amy--thanks. that's pretty cool. i'm quite sane i swear -9 appreciate the honesty--most people on other sites can't get through these either and they pose little no interest to them. but do write destabilize my sense of self very much enjoy being destabilzed in alreay destable life. dunno clean room once a week with intensity then love see it all fall pieces...i your inability understand these...or need attempt find links here there response is both helpful insightful. thanks million. now poem. soon. responding not so this poem as tell you what happens me when read poems just case such narrative could be use you. open them first few sentences. scroll down how long weigh likelihood that attempting going make feel like have adult add against will able cope said feeling charge forward or hit back arrow browser. if it's too late already though might click more times over next hour am still at computer probably never finish certain brain cells are leaking out ears while sleep. necessarily conscious pep talk must stumble least way trust embarking upon journey for express purpose lost decentered. often only things steady enough about grab onto even re-reading don't sense. later wonder tied there. end left schizophrenia. cheers amy 83722 revision asher metalingual function what was a father before the silence of arrested growth border grew cancerous in gut--this labyrinth minus mythic allusion sign place this ribbed epistle here adam emerges from rib eve . you pass me shovel there never torch haughty blood just lacuna space between and you. flame or to blame but country pakistan axle his tory cogged by bones stories still speaking within sap family tree that longs for as existed your growth. narrative devoid sequence our language somewhere else sentence which wraps itself around neck confesses at last. often stems disruption communication-process. when two more figures speak different languages are many utterances with function. i mean things. first really secondly is use codes one such dialects sociolects idiolects. although none occurs sweeney todd have mention it sake completeness. confessing spitting out an absorption land--it floods flood how person could wend colloquial english absorb attempt red hill tamil nadu. aruna achala reads fire. vedanta islam salam. land where were kicked loose crow caw now. now bone bowl. muffled. rafters on house these maniac walls rafts sail sea blood--we 1947. found bowl edge ganges named river imaged himalayas hindu kush--a muffled voice. cheering gave speech formation pakistan--you take back--attempt to. flows all we can say. born canada becomes sheath published anthology poems aboriginals before--we passing shrouds shovels. read fire clocked shiva--to tackle climb it. shaved head peeling scalp gray webbed patterns. flecking dust upon without name quiet respect spit off waterfall dhoti torn thorns he couldn't name. westerners vomit angular lines eating dahl rice banana leaves. am them who no answer. associated code only present latent form. steps into foreground verbal used implicitly explicitly developed central theme. communication-process example if 'languages' used. arrived cave skanda ashram mucked beauty its defied unnerved yasmin garlands lakshmi. wanted e merge silence--a sort tomb womb. passed him pick lock curse shame--to find hind sight bat brooded 1947 crossed crossing border. axe through granite underneath ation exists border--without axis already timeless beams swathed mute vocables. shame. thank kindly door--exited space. mrs. lovett let's see...we've got tinker. looks something pinker. tailor shakes - paler potter something-hotter. butler something- subtler. locksmith slumps defeated voyeurs cultures--caught nexus web boarding unboarding planes trains skulls. poem arrive don't arrive. so mezmorize story fall cliff may be crack mountain admits element water. should chosen path interior twisting winding choice matter taste. gentle men breed black babies tongue alien words pipers strife sea. plane circling atlantic drop silence. listen closely. seen some fragments predominantly pirelli's miracle elixir argued because somewhat peculiar communication structure song defended mixture phatic appellative happened attempted become another cult ure became crazed casted conflicted self...arrested. released moorings earth. constructed releasing need larger than itself. would brood bang flesh encode decode yawn open curtains ground. ground being perhaps not enough live. carpet trees. simply thirst why set place. posit 83723 re confront your cornea jacob this has some good lines and movement -- i would cut the first line if you keep it as a title...more below. thanks for detailed critique...you've given me ideas... 83724 re the angel of dresden -- revised ctg sachi hi christopher i like point view and way first line is juxtaposed...that there are many deaths after that we learn from history to make same mistakes..that's sense got this one. think l1 does not help..and you may consider starting it with 'the opera house witnessed passion tristan isolde much before was a student baroque nadia dresden'...or some arrangement that.. s2 fine. last 2 lines s3 could go..in any case do another word for lavender which over used.. two strophes ramble bit..the sounds need be still sharper drill in. repeating angel...and how packing punch far fewer words closing gambit. has great potential. enjoyed. death no other. dylan thomas my in those pre-war days when architecture come study zwinger palace isolde. gorged on strawberries swigged kr g by deep currents elbe laughed ourselves silly as smoked player's capstan until english sailor packet reminded her brother otto hitler's kriegsmarine . later i'd dream would kiss valentine pin inside chemise. smelled scent. forget me liebchen at time allied firebombing refugees east swelled city imagined odors damp wool stale cooking families huddled round heater's iris flame. then died fires valentine's day '45. allies had learned something nazis' blitzkrieg create firestorm sear humans ground burn nightmares forever. t. george 83725 re after being hit by the bus that i should have. sherry hi jack thanks for reading and commenting. relationship between title poem was a kooky leap me. feel there is literal bond two though subtle--if you're hard enough you could die so space universe--if makes any sense to you. like said it's leap. really enjoyed your thoughts will work with them. s. one more thing think body of this deserves further exploitation emphasis. somehow. probably place do it. but that's what keep thinking about as go away poem--i mean get metaphoric use interests me view in relation meaning it poem. an opportunity not fully taken advantage of. how well course up cheers. 83726 re cucamonga flyer jim corner jim- this doesn t work for me as a poem because it fails to transcend its simple place-naming strategy. if the is going be mere snapshot one might interested in reforming or tuning language point where of interest solely in-and-of-itself. think thoreau s what railroad sandburg window and so on. end relying on poet-generated images rather than echoes city names entities replacing weak modifiers old man lingering humidity secretly weep softly rolls verbs improving syntax i see an sweeping his porch piled crates more here train-oriented poems like boes millay travel dickinson levine berryman jarrell seems want with that particular close needs evidence better grasp conceit along style my opinion. make final strophe relevant top half torque isn just disappointment sudden undefined tumble into personal invective narrator observations keen potent significant less knee-jerk attempt at building pathos . sole line was planets follow train. found idea reorienting physics order own destination motion somewhat interesting but certainly didn up that. -h hi hannah thanks opining. sandburg's night from car great dark soft thing broken across slashes light. about 'thing ' 'slashes light.' perhaps carl could have been concrete smile. best jdc 83727 re cucamonga flyer jim corner hi generally i agree with hannah on this one although thought that it was the began to be an evocative piece especially in second last strophe. am reminded of wordsworths hermits woods along forget name poem . shanties are a card board. strophe 2 didn't bother me. wasn't sure importance 3 terms elucidating link up discrete imagery if you aiming for tight symbolic metaphorical network. also liked your ability apply lipstick line. thanks posting and hope see revision feel so inclined. best ag asher even good movies have connective elements between scenes as narratives imo. praise images enjoy. my jdc 83728 blended roast bowen i take my coffee across the kitchen stare at sun beginning to bloom. in bedroom where i've just shaken off last of dreams wife sleeps while dog and share our heart hearts over obits comics cereal. if had way this moment would spin its wheel repetition all day. i'd sip smoke chances that phone wouldn't ask me do anything. but hear rousing spell is broken. pour her a cup kiss cheek pretend we have something say. 83729 re in locos somnium bowen amy enjoyed all of it but the last three lines seem a little less-tidy than rest. line breaks are kind weird and seemingly haphazard this could be for effect i suppose . much enjoyed. a. my dream parked wrong place was towed that's because city cares really does. there lots cameras guardrails so if wingnuts loosen then ohm buoys will at least stay tethered to overpasses bad particles can sent away with bells pushed bottom ocean sucked out later giant hose mean time interests fill potholes impound us from ourselves while we sleep. 83730 re the angel of dresden -- re-revised ctg christopher t george hi sachi many thanks for your comments. you will see here that i have revised even further removing last stanzas found problematical. thank help. chris after first death there is no other. dylan thomas nadia was my in those pre-war days when a student architecture come to study baroque zwinger palace opera house witnessed passion tristan and isolde . we gorged on strawberries swigged kr g by deep currents elbe laughed ourselves silly as smoked player's capstan until english sailor packet reminded her brother otto hitler's kriegsmarine later i'd dream would kiss valentine pin it inside chemise. smelled lavender scent. forget me not liebchen at time allied firebombing refugees from east swelled city imagined odors damp wool stale cooking families huddled round heater's iris flame. t. 83731 re blended roast christopher t george i take my coffee across the kitchen stare at sun beginning to bloom. in bedroom where i've just shaken off last of dreams wife sleeps while dog and share our heart hearts over obits comics cereal. if had way this moment would spin its wheel repetition all day. i'd sip smoke chances that phone wouldn't ask me do anything. but hear rousing spell is broken. pour her a cup kiss cheek pretend we have something say. hi ash nice work on poem which powerful day-to-day details well observed final poignant statement about lack communication between couple. recognize situation. set-up very good speaker could be waiting for partner wake up making his as it turns out opposite case makes line crushing sad. one tiny nit thought bloom was bit too coy nicey nice. you can better. otherwise ash. best chris 83732 re the angel of dresden -- revised ctg bowen chris i've seen various versions this floating around at places and is best so far. i think still spotty in but it breaks down begins to feel rushed last three strophes. those just don't have spark charisma ones preceding them. look forward revision this. it's been nice seeing come into being. ash after first death there no other. dylan thomas nadia was my pre-war days when a student architecture study baroque zwinger palace opera house that witnessed passion tristan isolde. we gorged on strawberries swigged kr g by deep currents elbe laughed ourselves silly as smoked player's capstan until english sailor packet reminded her brother otto hitler's kriegsmarine . later i'd dream would kiss valentine pin inside chemise. smelled lavender scent. forget me not liebchen time allied firebombing refugees from east swelled city imagined odors damp wool stale cooking families huddled round heater's iris flame. then died fires valentine's day '45. allies had learned something nazis' blitzkrieg how create firestorm sear humans ground burn nightmares forever. christopher t. george 83734 devils jables i stirred and should not have gone to the kitchen. through doorway trained my eye on devil eating biscuits left stove. he put his finger strap of gown eased under chin then brought tail lips blew a kiss. dipped biscuit in bacon grease smiled but never returned until this morning when found daughter her before school with she knows will make warm drive school. 83735 re my chocolate and me jables dog fancy here you come. i think it works for that type of audience but lacks something--what don't know--if you're wanting a poem can be read reread enjoyed different things each time. this is one-note has only one meaning can't appreciated anything other than its meaning. if that's what shooting then you've succeeded well. favorite favors keep hundred twenty pounds sixty three less listens to every word does not talk am never alone with always home waiting may run follows forget about forever keeping time sing will entertain describe bad days comfort received just filled love loves old grey still say loved more friends the end lab riley 83736 re devils rick lobes jables - i really like this. as it stirried could feel heating up. left me feeling warming even after the 4th time read that's a good thing. thanks stirred and should not have gone to kitchen. through doorway trained my eye on devil eating biscuits stove. he put his finger strap of gown eased under chin then brought tail lips blew kiss. dipped biscuit in bacon grease smiled but never returned until this morning when found daughter her before school with she knows will make warm drive school. 83737 re devils annmarie eldon i think this is good and perhaps also could benefit from some small line shifts stirred should not have gone to the kitchen. through doorway trained my eye on devil eating biscuits left stove. he put his finger strap of gown eased under chin then brought tail lips blew a kiss. dipped biscuit in bacon grease smiled but never returned until morning when found daughter her before school with she knows will make warm . d rive school. best 83738 re in locos somnium annmarie eldon i suggest only a small shift my last dream parked the wrong place and was towed but that's because city cares it really does. there are lots of cameras guardrails so if wingnuts loosen then ohm buoys will at least stay tethered to overpasses all bad particles can be sent away with bells pushed bottom ocean sucked out later giant hose mean time interests fill potholes impound from us ourselves while we sleep. best 83739 life ryno25 is a bowl of cherries it s late evening on the eve my hardest exam in long arduous college experience. mentally exhausted i sit top floor campus library. pin drop quiet except for annoying scratch pencil and soft hiss radiant heater. air thick with smell stale periodicals mingled dust. frantically study trying to commit sixteen weeks lectures about di n b ph 1 bao dai2 french indochina3 memory. attempt roll eyes back head check if what ve read staying. search should be there but some not sticking. opening initials greek letters cryptically speak me an steal little time have left. panic gonna get ya scrolled across grey metal edge cubical shelf. tell myself stay task focus. attention slipping out control. door slams shut thought slips into mind. where planner rip through pouches backpack heart hammering thumb pages date. slumping deeply exhale slowly close eyes. pulse slows as wave relief passes over body. today wednesday final friday. pack up things leave prison wonder this glimpse tomorrow night. 1. dien bein phu was battle fought between viet minh french. occurred march 13 may 5 1954. outcome shocked france brought end indochina 2. h. m. bao-dai last vietnamese emperor from 1925-1945. 3. federation colonies south-east asia. part colonial empire consisted vietnam laos cambodia. by ryan 83740 re blended roast yoly ash- very nice. you put me in the poem with smell of coffee newspaper and all too familiar feeling moment before rest household stirs. end is surprising lonely as hell. peace i take my across kitchen stare at sun beginning to bloom. bedroom where i've just shaken off last dreams wife sleeps while dog share our heart hearts over obits comics cereal. if had way this would spin its wheel repetition day. i'd sip smoke chances that phone wouldn't ask do anything. but hear rousing spell broken. pour her a cup kiss cheek pretend we have something say. 83741 re life yoly ok ryno- this is quaint but i don't know..i didn't care enough about the speaker to be glad he could slack another day. it was okay. a bowl of cherries s late evening on eve my hardest exam in long arduous college experience. mentally exhausted sit top floor campus library. pin drop quiet except for annoying scratch pencil and soft hiss radiant heater. air thick with smell stale periodicals mingled dust. frantically study trying commit sixteen weeks lectures di n b ph 1 bao dai2 french indochina3 memory. attempt roll eyes back head check if what ve read staying. search should there some not sticking. opening initials greek letters cryptically speak me an steal little time have left. panic gonna get ya scrolled across grey metal edge cubical shelf. tell myself stay task focus. attention slipping out control. door slams shut thought slips into mind. where planner rip through pouches backpack heart hammering thumb pages date. slumping deeply exhale slowly close eyes. pulse slows as wave relief passes over body. today wednesday final friday. pack up things leave prison wonder glimpse tomorrow night. 1. dien bein phu battle fought between viet minh french. occurred march 13 may 5 1954. outcome shocked france brought end indochina 2. h. m. bao-dai last vietnamese emperor from 1925-1945. 3. federation colonies south-east asia. part colonial empire consisted vietnam laos cambodia. by ryan 83742 re in locos somnium yoly amy- been reading poems about dreams lately. this one isn't bad. your work is good. enjoyed. my last dream parked the wrong place and was towed but that's because city cares it really does. there are lots of cameras guardrails so if wingnuts loosen then ohm buoys will at least stay tethered to overpasses all bad particles can be sent away with bells pushed bottom ocean sucked out later a giant hose mean time interests fill potholes impound us from ourselves while we sleep. 83743 concentric si mon i m thinking about how the sun crashing through this dirty window is like a laugh track and all people who supplied mirth within are probably gone. so sullen you say. well listen here betsy sky never just blue. clean your brushes. tell kittens only rhyme for orange door hinge. there s door. stomp terra. by gone mean no longer here. from middle english. neither nor there. but if it then trust thereafter. place void of sunlight. where laughter green rings inner ear. ear strewn ash or something less specific. 83744 re life si mon first off -- please don't footnote your poem. maybe it's just me but i read enough stuff with footnotes want my poetry to be free. not say there is anything wrong or explanations i've been agonizing lately about how poets seem trying so hard keep the common reader out of poem back it reads much too stiff this happened and that happened. where feels most alive in smaller details library air smells like magazines dust. more little will create emotions narrative better than telling it. a bowl cherries s late evening on eve hardest exam long arduous college experience. mentally exhausted sit top floor campus library. pin drop quiet except for annoying scratch pencil soft hiss radiant heater. thick smell stale periodicals mingled frantically study commit sixteen weeks lectures di n b ph 1 bao dai2 french indochina3 memory. attempt roll eyes head check if what ve staying. search should some sticking. opening initials greek letters cryptically speak an steal time have left. panic gonna get ya scrolled across grey metal edge cubical shelf. tell myself stay task focus. attention slipping control. door slams shut thought slips into mind. planner rip through pouches backpack heart hammering thumb pages date. slumping deeply exhale slowly close eyes. pulse slows as wave relief passes over body. today wednesday final friday. pack up things leave prison wonder glimpse tomorrow night. 1. dien bein phu was battle fought between viet minh french. occurred march 13 may 5 1954. outcome shocked france brought end indochina 2. h. m. bao-dai last vietnamese emperor from 1925-1945. 3. federation colonies south-east asia. part colonial empire consisted vietnam laos cambodia. by ryan 83745 re cucamonga flyer r.jeremy i very much enjoyed this passage south end to the big windy. nights in caboose and feel those lines could thrive if maybe a different poem. smile ron 83746 re devils si mon a few things -- first bacon grease and bisquits the damned devil doesn't have to worry about heart attacks i suppose. two bothered me fingers in second stanza he's eating has finger on strap one under your chin feel game of twister coming other point never returned third is it suppose be coy assumed reading that meeting was recent but now see not put into time frame does make for interesting supposes father husband thing anyway that's all got poem stirred should gone kitchen. through doorway trained my eye biscuits left stove. he his gown eased then brought tail lips blew kiss. dipped biscuit smiled until this morning when found daughter her before school with she knows will warm drive school. 83747 re life hannah ryan- i think this is mostly a monologue in the form of journal entry one catalogue s actions feeling at moment action etc. largely without device or attempt to enliven recitation . for me overwhelming response ennui it certainly common experience that infatuation with own learning process immersion and sword-edge knowledge hanging over our heads by single thread but effort should be make penetrable reader some way either through commandeering better method language sonics images relate experiential level poem more interesting way. would include ruthlessly axing clich tautological moments striving find specific modifiers nouns verbs particularly your tendency modify big old abstractions things like deeply exhale frantically study mentally exhausted do not allow scene text they tell user what see expect. considering use poetic simile metaphor allusion allegory whatever bind together various elements vietnamese historical references modern college-student greek letters idea library as prison mean are you actually trying suggest about academy its infrastructure definition so on don't get sense narrator's stake information he's studying seems entirely irrelevant his nor existential angst which tends dominate tone. now completely unsuccessful poem. interested rework into something little intuitive challenging. hope you'll post again. -h p.s. purdue grew up indiana know lots people who ve gone purdue. 83748 re my chocolate and me si mon well you certainly had wondering -- lover giant hershey kiss... there are little things could do here to tighten it up some like will entertain be entertains i wish were a way cut the last line retitle this without giving away surprise at end. is favorite favors keep one hundred twenty pounds of sixty three less than listens every word does not talk am never alone with always home waiting for may run follows forget about forever keeping time can sing describe bad days comfort received just filled love loves old grey still say loved more friends end lab riley 83749 recipe ryno25 a carnivore s for success the ingredients this can be purchased with silver dollars and water pennies. dash of 88 mph speed from cheetah one pound decision-making mountain gorilla foot flexibility rattlesnake two handfuls brute strength colony army ants few pinches communication honey bee three pecks determination gaggle migrating canadian geese combine all in potbellied pig extracted vision sockeye salmon. stir well walkingstick. stuff mixture into ovenbird. set 17-year cicada timer leave alone until golden brown kelpfish. place on plate-billed toucan. grab your pink spoonbill black knife-fish digger wasp in. by ryno 83750 re blended roast si mon the flatness of this poem is its strength -- but i am very disappointed by last line. it's as if has nothing to say and then says it. think shaken off dreams borderline cliche. like everything up until end maybe just me...maybe in my head there something more. enjoyed take coffee across kitchen stare at sun beginning bloom. bedroom where i've wife sleeps while dog share our heart hearts over obits comics cereal. had way moment would spin wheel repetition all day. i'd sip smoke chances that phone wouldn't ask me do anything. hear rousing spell broken. pour her a cup kiss cheek pretend we have say. 83751 re in locos somnium si mon here's my take on this poem -- it needs to keep going it's like you just reach the jumping off point what i see as big splash where mind starts odd places start that and then feels force an ending let go. enjoyed last dream parked wrong place was towed but that's because city cares really does. there are lots of cameras guardrails so if wingnuts loosen ohm buoys will at least stay tethered overpasses all bad particles can be sent away with bells pushed bottom ocean sucked out later a giant hose mean time interests fill potholes impound us from ourselves while we sleep. 83752 re concentric ryno25 si mon i enjoyed the desciption of light in this poem. one question though. what is ment by last line stanza kudos ryno m thinking about how sun crashing through dirty window like a laugh track and all people who supplied mirth within are probably gone. so sullen you say. well listen here betsy sky never just blue. clean your brushes. tell kittens only rhyme for orange door hinge. there s door. stomp terra. gone mean no longer here. from middle english. neither nor there. but if it then trust thereafter. place void sunlight. where laughter green rings inner ear. ear strewn ash or something less specific. 83753 curfew sachi curfews run on incandescent tyres. smell it in the breath of a nine year old twin plaited scurrying for corner. she has no need light mirrors have failed her. sits quietly small islands between soft face earth and acne hooves from flag march blackened blood well formed lesions you can only squeeze out. break through shutters like light. when army fades windows peal to follow its course. even dogs beg break. rush news bread around clots over hair brine whisper. incense dargah t hide smell. ganga hydrant is course slave metrical screws dub goes. one turned up wash. not all scores had time settle. sharp cries shoot water jets pigeons sparrows hunger ledge babies lovers grasp at things hold again wheels rolls. s dressed shadow. hush them down. cracks are sealed ears closed rat there goes 83754 re recipe sachi dear ryno this is clever. tad repetitive in sounds. you could try altering the line lengths may consider different breaks. first two lines announce poem and retrospect perhaps even inclines towards moralizing..hence be done away with or indeed replaced something smarter. title recosidered..because its clearly biased against vegetarians. nice read though. best. a carnivore s for success ingredients can purchased silver dollars water pennies. dash of 88 mph speed from cheetah one pound decision-making mountain gorilla foot flexibility rattlesnake handfuls brute strength colony army ants few pinches communication honey bee three pecks determination gaggle migrating canadian geese combine all potbellied pig extracted vision sockeye salmon. stir well walkingstick. stuff mixture into ovenbird. set 17-year cicada timer leave alone until golden brown kelpfish. place on plate-billed toucan. grab your pink spoonbill black knife-fish digger wasp in. by 83755 re concentric sachi si mon very nicely crafted. since the title is such i presume poem designed not to reach anywhere specific..and that in a way it's triumph. but endings without closure as this one can sometimes disappoint those like ends tied. liked you modulate..orange and door hinge..is true bright spot. last line fizzles may tone down abstraction. good read always. m thinking about how sun crashing through dirty window laugh track all people who supplied mirth within are probably gone. so sullen say. well listen here betsy sky never just blue. clean your brushes. tell kittens only rhyme for orange hinge. there s door. stomp terra. by gone mean no longer here. from middle english. neither nor there. if it then trust thereafter. place void of sunlight. where laughter green rings inner ear. ear strewn ash or something less specific. 83756 re lost in redemption ctg sachi hi chris order to evoke the sense of an unbroken continuous climb you may consider loosing spaces altogether. as also last two lines...they perhaps need go. ..climb title. very nice read. best stacy and i ninja-climb hoary gnarled redwood her ribbed ancient bark ascend a tenth mile from green sorrel forest floor enter wilderness that has flourished here millennia gathering harboring beard lichens leather-leaf ferns mosses. flying squirrels squeak past me cinch my lanyard check blake's hitch. breathe breathes she holds our lives limbo. switches on silver miner's lamp study huckleberries record blood red fruit with digital camera. further redemption's canopy seek sunlight crown hang free motion pass orange hollows caves held fire long blows kiss one explorer another redemption. christopher t. george 83757 re my chocolate and me rick hi si mon thank you i like the change entertains i'll put it in. agree would to re-work last line. will have give more than hour took knock this out morning. thanks again well certainly had wondering -- lover giant hershey kiss... there are little things could do here tighten up some entertain be wish were a way cut line retitle without giving away surprise at end. 83758 re devils lawnee yes i had similar concerns along the lines of si mon bacon grease - chance car dying on way to school coup deville chevrolet naaah fun. a few things -- first and bisquits damned devil doesn't have worry about heart attacks suppose. two bothered me fingers in second stanza he's eating has finger strap one under your chin feel game twister coming other point never returned third is it suppose be coy assumed reading that meeting was recent but now see not put into time frame does make for interesting supposes father husband thing anyway that's all got poem 83759 re my chocolate and me rick hi jables thanks for your comments i will take any can get. don't think have gotten a good one here yet but if it only works audience that is still better than previous attempts. not saying you got rid of all the lines last might something to work with dog fancy come. type lacks something--what know--if you're wanting poem be read reread enjoyed different things each time. this one-note has meaning can't appreciated anything other its meaning. that's what shooting then you've succeeded well. 83760 re the angel of dresden -- revised ctg christopher t george chris i've seen various versions this floating around at places and is best so far. i think still spotty in but it breaks down begins to feel rushed last three strophes. those just don't have spark charisma ones preceding them. look forward revision this. it's been nice seeing come into being. ash thanks for your support interest ash. 83761 re concentric jacob stanza 1 sun- laughing- mirth- gone- sullen. listen here. 2 sky -- brushes kittens orange door terra gone. here - not nor there. 3 if then it. void sunlight laughter -inner ear or something. -------------- i m thinking about how through this is like a and all the who within are probably. so you say. well never just. your. tell your only for is. there s the. by no from nor. but it place of. where something -------- sun crashing dirty window laugh track people supplied mirth probably sullen betsy just blue. clean brushes. rhyme hinge. door. stomp terra. gone mean longer middle english. neither trust thereafter. of sunlight. green rings inner ear. strewn ash less specific. --- 83762 re concentric barbara silberg this could stand a bit of pruning and more punctuation. examples __barbara s. i m thinking about how the sun crashing through dirty window is like laugh track all people who supplied mirth within are probably gone. so sullen you say. well listen here betsy sky never just blue. clean your brushes. tell kittens only rhyme for orange door hinge. there s door. stomp terra. by gone mean no longer here. from middle english . neither nor there. but if it then trust thereafter. place void sunlight. where laughter green rings inner ear. ear strewn ash or something less specific. 83763 re in locos somnium amy si mon i think you've hit upon something that bowen and annmarie touch as well the ending. originally it was longer. there a bit about magnets seed banks. played with breaking each of those bits into separate stanzas. probably gave up too soon. will apply myself to lotion. thanks for your thoughts here's my take on this poem -- needs keep going it's like you just reach jumping off point what see big splash where mind starts odd places start then feels force an ending let go. enjoyed 83764 thanks ctg bowen am yoly and si mon nm amy 83766 re blended roast amy bowen some changes. please ignore if changes are intrusive. my coffee and i cross the kitchen stare at blooming sun. in bedroom where i've shaken last of dreams wife sleeps. dog share hearts to heart over obits comics cereal stays crunchy milk all day. sip this smoke phone asks nothing me. but she rouses. pour her a cup kiss cheek. speak. think whatever you do with that spell needs be created it is broken. begins magical i'd like see relationship everything kitchen. for inane reason i'm getting visual beauty beast our guest scene. moment should place have your way. make then play around how can create those intrusions mental physical into world. one goes away as soon heard or thought of. that's why brought up first line short stanzas morning world stanzas. rather shown feigning interest stanza than tell me that. similarly being maybe breaks else punctuate enough demonstrate this. made flat statements here sort stack up. fun playing there nice expressed emerging. take across sun beginning bloom. just off sleeps while cereal. had way would spin its wheel repetition chances wouldn't ask anything. hear rousing cheek pretend we something say. 83767 the hat challenge sherry i went to buy a for quick rains and sudden chill brought on by afternoon sun walking off set behind mountains. when find myself halfway under cold skirts of night should have turned headed home. there was no mirror in department wondered what looked like. peeped into chrome edges showcases watched shoppers' expressions see my scattered reflection storefront window. bought that smashes hair worse than any other one has me observing out from glasses like baby owl. it is wool cradles tips ears so can hear birds blue shadows evening. who will woods anyway be wearing most comfortable hat. 83768 you're on slosh the hat challenge i got one that was flat a real fancy at with beaded ric-rac border back and forth. tiny yellow flower ignited me power seemed to say this lady she has worth it decade of sixties when lsd new in mixes were fuel doled out hipster teens play. now governmen's against wrote rules but never penned they ones who tripped every day. my funny little peek not gave more hits than got-- by its lay-- 83769 re blended roast bowen amy your suggestions brought up ideas already spinning in my head that i can't do anything about because have to go teach five minutes won't be able get until noon. cripes does anyone say anymore thanks for the read and comments. they're much appreciated. a. some changes. please ignore if changes are intrusive. coffee cross kitchen stare at blooming sun. bedroom where i've shaken last of dreams wife sleeps. dog share hearts heart over obits comics cereal stays crunchy milk all day. sip this smoke phone asks nothing me. but she rouses. pour her a cup kiss cheek. speak. think whatever you with spell needs created it is broken. begins magical i'd like see relationship everything kitchen. inane reason i'm getting visual beauty beast our guest scene. moment should place way. make then play around how can create those intrusions mental physical into world. one goes away as soon heard or thought of. that's why first line short stanzas morning world stanzas. rather shown feigning interest stanza than tell me that. similarly being maybe breaks else punctuate enough demonstrate this. made flat statements here sort stack up. fun playing there nice expressed emerging. 83770 re blended roast bowen yes you're right. i'll take this somewhere else in the revision and hopefully dress up language. a. flatness of poem is its strength -- but i am very disappointed by last line. it's as if has nothing to say then says it. think shaken off dreams borderline cliche. like everything until end maybe just me...maybe my head there something more. enjoyed 83771 re blended roast bowen yoly thanks for stopping by and commenting. best ash ash- very nice. you put me in the poem with smell of coffee newspaper all too familiar feeling moment before rest household stirs. end is surprising lonely as hell. peace 83772 re blended roast bowen chris i knew someone would jump on the sun line. thanks for not letting anything slide. - read and suggestions. always appreciated. ash hi nice work this poem which is powerful in its day-to-day details all well observed final poignant statement about lack of communication between couple. recognize situation. set-up very good that speaker could be waiting partner to wake up making his day. as it turns out opposite case makes last line crushing sad. one tiny nit thought stare at beginning bloom was a bit too coy nicey nice. you can do better. otherwise ash. my best 83773 re concentric hannah s- nice. don't like the stomping terra line. but rest...especially last bit works for me. -h p.s. i was trying to write you a footnoted poem kept getting stuck and sick of myself...maybe tomorrow. 83774 if we're really doing this and not... amy i don't know why the indented single-spaced part is showing up as double-spaced... use imagination guess. yes hope you can help me. i'm looking for a hat. saw your ads kicking off season of layers need hat mine. not just any but one which consciousness leaves open like tool how all things made aware reveal intention more than itself. must understand this. rotate with frequency that body needs closest immutable ashamed layer private daily change reinvention critical careful winter. theory goes these trap between them beyond verbal spectrum it can't be outpace knowing or at least confront good humor finger into shuffle back forth us nervously skin climate we dress with. teacher woolen winter dunce cap. no doubt he imagines irony proof being south cabin where woods migrate thinking. so it's choice anchors each side exchange columns supporting brain beam. cap cozy specific. might have in stock clings to furrows invention some other clues. nothing says wingnut earflaps chinstraps. lifted bow ping-pong opponent say see value denial. wiser. tassel marks spot hair whorl yardstick winding gaging voice yet speak. red selfless feint draw dogs away from frolicking heat head. texture also simplify such sherry enjoyed piece. think bring love before last line... hint dropped here there adjectives perhaps. had bit time reconciling after its downfalls was comfortable. language inventive fresh. rush get school i'd write more. maybe will later. thanks challenge went buy quick rains sudden chill brought on by afternoon sun walking set behind mountains. when find myself halfway under cold skirts night should turned headed home. mirror department wondered what looked like. peeped chrome edges showcases watched shoppers' expressions my scattered reflection storefront window. bought smashes worse has me observing out glasses baby owl. wool cradles tips ears hear birds blue shadows evening. who anyway wearing most comfortable 83775 cool sherry i like the playful end and internal rhymes in this. get feeling from punctuation spelling that this is probably written off top of your head pun intended l . good job. love associations between hat lsd. i'm glad you saw as a challenge instead just title. s. got one was flat real fancy at with beaded ric-rac border back forth. tiny yellow flower ignited me power seemed to say lady she has worth it decade sixties when lsd new mixes were fuel doled out hipster teens play. now governmen's against wrote rules but never penned they ones who tripped every day. my funny little peek not gave more hits than got-- by its lay-- 83776 re if we're really doing this and not... sherry i didn't know we were or not either. grin thanks for playing. read the poem with double spaces too...who knows why computers do what they sometimes. enjoyed layers of consciousness in your a hat. length was also great ramble perfect. that nothing says wingnut like earflaps chinstraps. tassel marks spot where hair whorl is yardstick winding cracked me up. s. don't indented single-spaced part showing up as double-spaced... use imagination guess. yes hope you can help me. i'm looking saw ads kicking off season need hat mine. just any but one which leaves open tool how all things made aware reveal intention more than itself. must understand this. rotate frequency body needs closest immutable ashamed layer private daily change reinvention critical careful winter. theory goes these trap between them beyond verbal spectrum it can't be outpace knowing at least confront good humor finger into shuffle back forth us nervously skin climate dress with. teacher woolen winter dunce cap. no doubt he imagines irony proof being south cabin woods migrate thinking. so it's choice anchors each side exchange columns supporting brain beam. cap cozy specific. might have stock clings to furrows invention some other clues. lifted bow ping-pong opponent say see value denial. wiser. gaging voice yet speak. red selfless feint draw dogs away from frolicking heat head. texture simplify such piece. think bring love before last line... hint dropped here there adjectives perhaps. had bit time reconciling after its downfalls comfortable. language inventive fresh. rush get school i'd write more. maybe will later. amy 83777 congrats to william te ibpc michael mv http www.webdelsol.com bbs zineweb zineweb.cgi read 10212 83778 re curfew sherry hi sachi a striking statement. thanks for speaking up with the compassion this poem projects. i didn't quite get first line which is bad start me. why incandescent british form of tires whose imposition when history and current events are not my best subject keeping who doing what to whom most difficult bad. keep news off lot. seemed bit long think it could be more effective lines chosen formed together. you don't want too preachy. instance windows peal... seem strong enough repeat. i'd singular consistent throughout poem. its it's used much throughout. many double modifers need hyphenated not. in fact if got rid some these over-telling modifiers use hyphens effectively where they really needed sound rat-a-rat-a-rat dub-dub-dub semi-colons sparingly. connectors aren't that horrible order add variety. thoughts inside. curfews run on tyres. smell breath nine - year old twin plaited scurrying corner. she has no light mirrors have failed her. sits quietly small islands between soft face earth acne hooves from flag march blackened blood well lesions can only squeeze out. above stanza leap personal imagery. hard time seeing it. break through shutters like light. army fades peal follow course. even dogs beg break. rush bread around clots over hair brine whisper. incense dargah t hide smell. liked all rushes ganga hydrant course slave metrical screws dub goes. one turned wash. scores had settle. ...wouldn't elipsis at possible. grin sharp cries shoot water jets pigeons sparrows hunger ledge babies lovers grasp things hold again wheels roll s . dressed shadow. hush them down. cracks sealed ears closed rat there goes closed. rat-a-rat-a-rat. just s. 83779 re concentric sherry hello si mon this poem starts out great the sun laugh track--i love it. has a wonderful conversational tone but becomes somewhat of riddle as it goes on--a personal response. i'd add bit more depth with punctuation though in one line ...listen here betsy i get confused my own suggestions. grin know i've screwed your emphasis some places and breaks sorry. just thought make sound even conversational. inlines m thinking about how crashing through dirty window is like track all people who supplied mirth within are probably gone. so sullen you say. well listen i'm sky never blue. clean brushes. tell kittens only rhyme for orange door hinge. there s door. stomp terra. by gone mean no longer here. from middle english. neither nor there. if then trust thereafter. place void sunlight. where laughter green rings inner ear. ear strewn ash or something less specific. it's sunlight s. 83780 re concentric si mon ryno thanks. what do you think the last line means s. i enjoyed desciption of light in this poem. one question though. is ment by stanza kudos 83781 re concentric si mon sachi i feel like usually tie things up too neatly -- or neat enough. its nice to not once in awhile. ve always wanted use the orange rhyme something. thanks for your comments --s. very nicely crafted. since title is such presume poem designed reach anywhere specific..and that a way it's triumph. but endings without closure as this one can sometimes disappoint those ends tied. liked you modulate..orange and door hinge..is true bright spot. last line fizzles may tone down abstraction. good read always. 83782 re concentric si mon jacob what are you trying to tell me s. stanza 1 sun- laughing- mirth- gone- sullen. listen here. 2 sky -- brushes kittens orange door terra gone. here - not nor there. 3 if then it. void sunlight laughter -inner ear or something. -------------- i m thinking about how through this is like a and all the who within probably. so say. well never just. your. your only for is. there s the. by no from nor. but it place of. where something -------- sun crashing dirty window laugh track people supplied mirth probably sullen betsy just blue. clean brushes. rhyme hinge. door. stomp terra. gone mean longer middle english. neither trust thereafter. of sunlight. green rings inner ear. strewn ash less specific. --- 83783 re scriabin geoff re. for asher and bowen. thanks stopping by. yes the paint's wet on this last part in particular is out boards blackfaced singing swanee. shortened . charge that some poem prosaic perhaps parallel form to mother's you resemble your father who knows really worst of all prose indefinable but bad writing definable indeed. cicero said good either instructed amused or amazed -- sometimes rarely three. i agree. best his one true friend was hitler. circle molotov prepared diplomatic feelers suggested amendments hitler-stalin treaties laid a firm irresistible groundwork german general staff's mean spirited plans revenge france stab-in-the-back- that-never-happened 1919. became sirloin steak potatoes smothered onions second world war. great russian specialty secret music composition uncle. mystic secrets lore it would be than pointless explain musical west. molotov's real name scriabin. armies strike not far from moscow. given may day glorious forces drive force march directly red square hellish front lines. muscovite pasternaks flowed effortlessly society. dilettante sons drew marvelous sketches their daughters as debutantes. composed inspired waltzes they danced with them. mothers whispered together ages by fire made complete every detail link families genetic history. could begin suspect those west might never penetrate falling skies insurmountable suffering desolated mere mortals. leone 83784 re concentric si mon thanks for the help barbara. i am posting a revision under crit by sherry -- above or below this one depending upon where you are. s. could stand bit of pruning and more punctuation. examples __barbara 83785 re concentric si mon h- now of course you know i will be expected a footnote poem -- and if it doesn't come demand it. the stomping terra comes from note family hunter thompson released to press. way write poems is something like old story about stone soup find different things here there chuck em all in hope out tasting good. s. s- nice. don't line. but rest...especially last bit works for me. -h p.s. was trying footnoted kept getting stuck sick myself...maybe tomorrow. 83786 re concentric si mon s. go ahead and screw with my emphasis -- fine me. thanks. i included a revision hopefully moving in the right direction. m thinking about how sun crashes through this dirty window like laugh track all people who supplied mirth within are gone. so sullen you say. well listen here betsy sky is never just blue. clean your brushes. tell kittens only rhyme for orange door hinge. there s door. by gone mean no longer here. from middle english. neither nor there. but if it then trust thereafter place void of sunlight. where laughter green rings inner ear. ear strewn ash or something less specific. 83787 re hush geoff for jude goodwin. one of the more glorious reasons to write is try capture some sense present and course see things freshly as whole events that in future will be disconnected or unknown. it not uncommon rediscovers a style turns out century old so. responsible all does know too. moral everything. note. i like carl sandburg lot. his vast complete poems holds about twenty pieces mostly quite short are unforgettable. unevenly distributed. an inspiration us all. he was no mean folk songer either. best 83788 the hat challenge am i turning you on yet laurel not with a smile but grin distinctly mine nothing cheshire-ish although who know me better than will insist i'm all teeth biting and baring that here right now disappearing slipped through your fingers already--my sahara you'll murmur--as gone fling my into air gesture so symbolic dare examine it nor attempt to explicate as crowd rushes past like many petals soaked sullied by spring rain blackened street we yes collectively are standing in middle of now. watch beret spin color male cardinal singing his silly heart out or phoenix rising straight up never alight this world again then call mary declare us married even though there catch when falls. knows maybe really make after all. 83789 re the hat challenge laurel ...for when i should have turned and headed home. my eyes keep returning to that line. there's something so frost-ish about it. just now it conjures two roads diverged in woods i... should've turned...but kept going. i'll be carrying line of yours around me for days come. thank you that. it's all ask any poem resonate outlive its life on page. buries itself like a seed inside me. 2 nits--and don't worry won't fuss with your linebreaks grin . first what smashes hair flatter... second ending penultimate who will see anyway hope mind but took too. initial attempt was very cold bitter wife watching her husband shovel snow hatless. made shiver reading gave another stab. bit more lighthearted. thanks went buy quick rains sudden chill brought by afternoon sun walking off set behind mountains. find myself halfway under skirts night there no mirror department wondered looked like. peeped into chrome edges showcases watched shoppers' expressions scattered reflection storefront window. bought worse than other one has observing out from glasses baby owl. is wool cradles tips ears can hear birds blue shadows evening. wearing most comfortable hat. 83791 re the hat challenge amy laurel hey that smashes my hair worse was one of favorite lines but that's neither here nor there. i wrote a response to your poem suggested you include play on who can turn world with her smile and then went back realized had it's just hadn't figured out reference yet. haha yay delete post. enjoyed ...for when should have turned headed home. eyes keep returning line. there's something so frost-ish about it. now it conjures two roads diverged in woods i... should've turned...but kept going. i'll be carrying line yours around me for days come. thank that. all ask any resonate outlive its life page. buries itself like seed inside me. 2 nits--and don't worry won't fuss linebreaks grin . first what flatter... second ending penultimate will see anyway hope mind took too. initial attempt very cold bitter wife watching husband shovel snow hatless. made shiver reading gave another stab. bit more lighthearted. thanks 83792 re curfew sachi hi sherry thanks for the crit. nits are well picked like darjeeling but they patented that. much as i try can't get rid of british. perhaps a tad long. what you say modifiers is true semicolon truer. have always let me down. appreciate your close read and kind words. regards striking statement. speaking up with compassion this poem projects. didn't quite first line which bad start me. why incandescent british form tires whose imposition when history current events not my best subject keeping who doing to whom most difficult bad. keep news off lot. seemed bit long think it could be more effective lines chosen formed together. don't want too preachy. instance windows peal... seem strong enough repeat. i'd singular consistent throughout poem. its it's used throughout. many double modifers need hyphenated not. in fact if got some these over-telling use hyphens effectively where really needed sound rat-a-rat-a-rat dub-dub-dub semi-colons sparingly. connectors aren't that horrible order add variety. thoughts inside. above stanza leap personal imagery. hard time seeing it. liked all rushes ...wouldn't elipsis at possible. grin hush them cracks sealed ears closed. rat-a-rat-a-rat. there again army goes. peal follow course. just s. 83793 re the hat challenge am i turning you on yet sherry laurel always turn me l especially this time with that line about red and cardinal. also really like idea of letting fly instead putting it on. great twist subject. cheshire-ish don't know sounds a bit irish to me. but what heck it's quite little hook. thanks for including your response challenge. makes fun see variety in all poets' minds. part both standing right middle now that. have recently written poem two people an exploding universe not recognizing it. love s. smile grin distinctly mine nothing although who better than will insist i'm teeth biting baring here disappearing slipped through fingers already--my sahara you'll murmur--as gone fling my into air gesture so symbolic dare examine nor attempt explicate as crowd rushes past many petals soaked sullied by spring rain blackened street we yes collectively are now. watch beret spin color male cardinal singing his silly heart out or phoenix rising straight up never alight world again then call mary declare us married even though there catch when falls. knows maybe make after all. 83794 re the hat challenge sherry i am so very glad you liked that line. it's one of my favorites in poem also. it really sounds like a line poetry doesn't l was going for bit twist with who will see me anyway ... little enjambment to answer question right after ask it. would have loved your bitter first-response jeeez laurel just because damned wholesome didn't mean yours had be. s. ...for when should turned and headed home. eyes keep returning there's something frost-ish about now conjures two roads diverged woods i... should've turned...but kept going. i'll be carrying around days come. thank that. all any resonate outlive its life on page. buries itself seed inside me. 2 nits--and don't worry won't fuss linebreaks grin . first what smashes hair flatter... second ending penultimate hope mind but took too. initial attempt cold wife watching her husband shovel snow hatless. made shiver reading gave another stab. more lighthearted. thanks 83795 re the hat challenge sherry hi amy i like that smashes line too. it's my main gripe about hats love but rarely wear them because can't take off if get someplace and head gets hot. have very wild hair to begin with. was just going click on your response after reading laurel's when came back it gone good know wasn't losing mind. i'm dense what's reference who can turn world with her smile s. laurel hey worse one of favorite lines that's neither here nor there. wrote a poem suggested you include play then went realized had hadn't figured out yet. haha yay delete post. enjoyed 83796 re the hat challenge sherry okay now i remember--i've dug deep into my 70's damaged mind--mary tyler moore. gosh had forgotten about that. thanks for reminding me and making smart to laurel's poem. s. hi amy like that smashes line too. it's main gripe hats love but rarely wear them because can't take off if get someplace head gets hot. have very wild hair begin with. was just going click on your response after reading when came back it gone good know wasn't losing mind. i'm dense what's reference who can turn world with her smile 83797 re blended roast sherry bowen i'm going to be such a party pooper here. there's little too much familiarity almost the point of tedium. moments are true but proven not long enough in speaker's mind so cut it up front. make time even more precious reader. leave out sleeping wife beginning just introduce yourself and dog. btw heart-to-heart should hyphenated. ...i've shaken off last my dreams also needs bit work. threadbare using word always questioned. i don't think it's necessary ending makes poem hear you loud clear. at least grumble you're grouch like me what nice thing kiss. is strong word. whenever can. enjoyed s. take coffee across kitchen stare sun bloom. bedroom where i've sleeps while dog share our heart hearts over obits comics cereal. if had way this moment would spin its wheel repetition all day. i'd sip smoke chances that phone wouldn't ask do anything. rousing spell broken. pour her cup kiss cheek pretend we have something say. 83798 re recipe cyocom this gets old fairly fast but the last stanza is most interesting. i was distracted by uneven capitalization for example why honey bee and then sockeye salmon wonder if you cut first more--for a dash of 88 mph speed from cheetah to what would happen. think that emphasis animal trait joke. nio carnivore s success ingredients can be purchased with silver dollars water pennies. one pound decision-making mountain gorilla foot flexibility rattlesnake two handfuls brute strength colony army ants few pinches communication three pecks determination gaggle migrating canadian geese combine all in potbellied pig extracted vision salmon. stir well walkingstick. stuff mixture into ovenbird. set 17-year cicada timer leave alone until golden brown kelpfish. place on plate-billed toucan. grab your pink spoonbill black knife-fish digger wasp in. ryno 83799 re the hat challenge asher i thought this was fresh and inventive as others noted. ending could use a better more effective twist but otherwise pleasure to read. you may consider line breaks like on l3 personally prefer formatted in way not couplets . it reads narrative poem poetic aspects of do fail emerge form. render self consciouly imho when find completely unpretentious its poetics. love subject how an object ordinary creates narrative. once read very cool short story all about umbrella one had that same quality. would simply call remove bit because said is so utterly unpretentious. also caps imo. although they are innocent playful them necessary. lines first where reaches own kind perfection went buy hat. it. condense next few 2-6 into something - or for myself halfway under cold skirts night. be brilliant beginning--but suppose matter taste. poems sustain their poetics line. draw upon weather later perhaps. even suggest since i'm absolutely enamoured by l1--i'm extreme my hates--repeat l1 strophe look night should have turned headed home. quick rains sudden chill brought afternoon sun dunno just fooling around. again some sort ironic weird at end. best walking off set behind mountains. there no mirror department wondered what looked like. peeped chrome edges showcases watched shoppers' expressions see scattered reflection storefront window. bought smashes hair worse than any other has me observing out from glasses baby owl. wool cradles tips ears can hear birds blue shadows evening. who will woods anyway wearing most comfortable 83800 re the hat challenge jenn who said end on will see me in woods anyway i agree. know that line break is really great -- but penultimate as last very cool. i'm not sold yet those short lines first stanza. like what you're doing others and think that's way to go. however you have such a unique voice carriage your poems hate mess too much. hey sherry. good work. went buy for quick rains sudden chill brought by afternoon sun walking off set behind mountains. when find myself halfway under cold skirts of night should turned headed home. there was no mirror department wondered looked like. peeped into chrome edges showcases watched shoppers' expressions my scattered reflection storefront window. bought smashes hair worse than any other one has observing out from glasses baby owl. it wool cradles tips ears so can hear birds blue shadows evening. be wearing most comfortable hat. 83803 re the hat challenge sherry thanks for great crit asher. god this is nice. i'll definitely break a when i find myself halfway under cold skirts of night. was thinking could only get away with that ridiculous first line once. so glad it perfect you. me too. grin in title breaks two ways it's to buy and second hopefully gets reader writer think his her own experience. thought poem did have an ironic little weird twist at end. grrrr....the ending disappointing everyone. again s. fresh inventive as others noted. use better more effective but otherwise pleasure read. you may consider like on l3 personally prefer formatted way not couplets . reads narrative poetic aspects do fail emerge form. render self consciouly imho completely unpretentious its poetics. love subject how object ordinary creates narrative. once read very cool short story all about umbrella one had same quality. would simply call remove bit because said utterly unpretentious. also caps imo. although they are innocent playful them necessary. lines where reaches kind perfection went hat. it. condense next few 2-6 into something - or be brilliant beginning--but suppose matter taste. poems sustain their poetics line. draw upon weather later perhaps. even suggest since i'm absolutely enamoured by l1--i'm extreme my hates--repeat l1 strophe look night should turned headed home. quick rains sudden chill brought afternoon sun dunno just fooling around. some sort best 83805 re thanks for the hat challenge sherry jack you jumped in and i right after you. loved this. showed me up. s. bought a with goggles. that turned into humphrey bogart. fell it. this matching underwear tank top set horses pistols crap on them then two books some food something more. forget but it added up to 350. was baked. butch sundance were me. sat down bench asleep. money saving your funeral. shoes even put trousers. midway through second encore brunette levis green bodysuit appears breath away from my ear says what do have get miniature blimp. translate japanese 1 how much is 2 shirts. 3 please give cup of coffee. 4 send japan by sea-mail. other day so as not offend anyone. zoot suit. movie dolemite. m going damn well wear thank 83806 re thanks for the hat challenge jack you jumped in and i right after you. loved this. showed me up. s. sherry like your poem too. this is a nebulous comment so forgive but thought there should be more to it. examples little wildness. wonder if description of called for. best 83807 re the hat challenge sherry hi jenn thanks for comment. and may i ask where is your poem now come on know you have one. knew someone would catch me short lines in first part but was playing with ending action quick prepositions brought by afternoon sun walking off just something to do some trash play like those strange caps. grin again s. who said end will see woods anyway agree. that line break really great -- penultimate as last very cool. i'm not sold yet stanza. what you're doing others think that's way go. however such a unique voice carriage poems hate mess too much. hey sherry. good work. 83808 umm... jenn i'm wearing it. shhh. j hi thanks for the comment. and may i ask where is your hat poem now come on know you have one. 83809 re thanks for the hat challenge sherry hey what's to forgive this is stepping off right where i want go. sigh knew was too wholesome and tight. but there a specific purpose its style. will try be more wild sometimes. s. like your poem too. nebulous comment so me thought should it. examples little wildness. wonder if description of called for. best jack 83810 re poem with subtitles jude goodwin well david another interesting poem. this one weaves me in and out of interest. i almost stopped then read on stopped. mind you am those 'readers' that believes shouldn't have to work at extricating the precious nut a overall couldn't get any cohesive whole but within experienced many enjoyments. so i'll comment inline. respectfully walking around her snow which is like wax by factory describing dream once had eaves icicles girl who wears mittens has wear you're wondering about hands ha reminds seinfeld episode - 'man hands' manner degas sculpture held tight itself his dancers dark liquid warm bronze for example sealed letter it could been there replica doorway beside coat rack where put your don't think need last line puts one's little dancer or spanish dance tiffany lamp perhaps she was beginning rub today saying name over not that's tongue-tip some time hiding shape taking cheek very fine mmmmm rodin makes lesson grow great now given rather more amorphous quality particularly they touch each other 'rather more' 3 here too wishy washy rising from breast reach across unbelievable distance body ground baby birds instance freezing weather no reason than raincoat mother against reality lifting their necks up lovely ending can't tie all together though. feeling dense 83811 re in locos somnium jude goodwin amy i really enjoyed this poem. it is one of my favourite yours now. have no nits except for the line break after 'it' 3. love ohm buoys. you must had fun writing 83812 hat schmat jude goodwin challenge the can hardly look jaunty without head. what will happen to sweat on brim now that he is dead. green cordoroy hated it. something do with being bald walking into a room full of people when i take it off everyone stops talking and stares hats were his generation though brims peaks black grey white cigarettes forever smooth skin but never ball cap. wore cap heard him fart . played piano trumpet too sometimes stuffed metal mute crooned through thing. didn't understand was seeing dancers wild skirts jivers friends right there sax guy drummer. they sharp like sinatra crosby. all then finally stained blood from shingles maybe many days in boat lying beach sucking oysters their shell for camera. well you can't blow you've only got quarter heart even eat steak. wear you're dead not dying. fall bathroom floor no one remember grab at least few days. 83813 re the hat challenge peter richards carter family anyone i saw a fellow yesterday who wore funny and now you just might ask me what s so very strange in that. he long black cloak as well that came down to his feet underneath shirt tie all done up nice neat. shoes were heavy with laces bow wondered it was about this man struck so. little voice chimed inside explained is of high-mindedness hypocrisy. those parts tidy precise are collar hate conscience hold him their weight. million voices butted they did not suppose one can tell person by fashion clothes. but must be still had failed see mirror reflecting back on me. psr 83814 re hat schmat sherry hi jude it is all i can do to not address you as hey jude. damned song sticking in my head for the rest of life. love your name. and really liked this poem too. could go through spend lots time on punctuation grammatical tweaks but instead think i'll just enjoy since it's a challenge. i'd keep last line with poem. very special doesn't need stick out that special. some sections seem strong me if decide cut fuse here are parts imagery especially like brims peaks black grey white cigarettes forever smooth skin never ball cap. he wore cap can't blow trumpet when you've only got quarter heart even eat steak. wear you're dead. thanks post s. challenge hardly look jaunty without head. what will happen sweat brim now green cordoroy hated it. something being bald walking into room full people take off everyone stops talking stares hats were his generation though heard him fart . played piano too sometimes stuffed metal mute crooned thing. didn't understand was seeing dancers wild skirts jivers friends right there sax guy drummer. they sharp sinatra crosby. then finally stained blood from shingles maybe many days boat lying beach sucking oysters their shell camera. well dead dying. fall bathroom floor no one remember grab at least few days. 83815 re the hat challenge sherry there's some nice rhymin' going on in here. a little stiff but fun clothes and man woman. if you can just wear like own space you'll fit anywhere. i often reflect reading that old desert guru don juan he spoke of it. have power. great perspective. ending thought reflection personal i'd work to make it read bit more smoothly. enjoyed s. carter family anyone saw fellow yesterday who wore funny now might ask me what s so very strange that. long black cloak as well came down his feet underneath shirt tie all done up neat. shoes were heavy with laces bow wondered was about this struck so. voice chimed inside explained is high-mindedness hypocrisy. those parts tidy precise are collar hate conscience hold him their weight. million voices butted they did not suppose one tell person by fashion clothes. must be still had failed see mirror reflecting back me. psr 83816 re hat schmat jude goodwin hi sherry thanks for the inspiration. it's nice when something spontaneous can lead to places i don't usually go. wrote this around midnight last night and just posted without another thought. maybe will keep it - probably early rhyme fart line lol needs work sure. peace 83817 re thanks for the hat challenge asher hey this is really cool jack. i didn't know that there was a challenge.great to see your work etc. bought with goggles. turned into humphrey bogart. and fell it. matching underwear tank top set horses pistols crap on them then two books some food something more. forget but it added up 350. baked. butch sundance were me. sat down bench asleep. money saving funeral. shoes even put trousers. midway through second encore brunette in levis green bodysuit appears breath away from my ear says what do have get miniature blimp. translate japanese 1 how much 2 shirts. 3 please give me cup of coffee. 4 send japan by sea-mail. other day so as not offend anyone. zoot suit. movie dolemite. m going damn well wear thank you. 83818 re the hat challenge asher dear sherry-- i came back to this in morning and hated my suggestion for repetition of l1 - now enjoyed subtely ending. please riposte a revision when you get moment if feel inclined to. do ibpc would like nominate. goodie. want or challenge. ps changed mind on title too it...lord. best ag thought was fresh inventive as others noted. ending could use better more effective twist but otherwise pleasure read. may consider line breaks l3 personally prefer formatted way not couplets . it reads narrative poem poetic aspects fail emerge form. render self consciouly imho find completely unpretentious its poetics. love subject how an object ordinary creates narrative. once read very cool short story all about umbrella one had that same quality. simply call remove bit because said is so utterly unpretentious. also caps imo. although they are innocent playful them necessary. lines first where reaches own kind perfection went buy hat. it. condense next few 2-6 into something myself halfway under cold skirts night. be brilliant beginning--but suppose matter taste. poems sustain their poetics line. draw upon weather later perhaps. even suggest since i'm absolutely enamoured by l1--i'm extreme hates--repeat strophe look night should have turned headed home. quick rains sudden chill brought afternoon sun dunno just fooling around. again some sort ironic weird at end. 83819 re the hat challenge sherry thanks for ibpc offer you sweet thing. i'd rather not though. love s. dear sherry-- i came back to this in morning and hated my suggestion repetition of l1 - now enjoyed subtely ending. please riposte a revision when get moment if feel inclined to. do would like nominate. goodie. want or challenge. ps changed mind on title too it...lord. best ag thought was fresh inventive as 83820 re poem with subtitles geoff re. for david ayers. this piece appears to be wonderstruck at its own self-involvement and gratuitous references great artists. is not an unusual sort of by any means. i say writing easy am suspicious those who pretend it is. has sold itself the brooklyn bridge. 1 pretentious 2 self-involved. best walking around her in snow which like wax factory describing a dream you once had eaves icicles girl wears mittens wear so you're wondering about hands manner degas sculpture held tight that his dancers dark liquid warm bronze example sealed letter could have been there replica doorway beside coat rack where put your on one little dancer or spanish dance tiffany lamp perhaps she was beginning rub today saying name over but another that's tongue-tip some time hiding shape taking out cheek rodin makes lesson grow now given rather more amorphous quality particularly they touch each other rising from breast reach across unbelievable distance body ground baby birds instance freezing weather no reason than raincoat mother against reality lifting their necks up almost 83821 roofers david halitsky note there is a long thread at qed poetry relevant to this piece it in the question of taste section and entitled transparent rebus ... url for http www.qedpoetry.com before poem completely written out another house will go up down street roofed by guys who know what they're about some mexicans laugh southern us heat. i've never seen one bandaged buying beer - mistakes do not come naturally them except course that brought here from where they live our new jerusalem. it's like after vacation when you shake last sand your shoes on return these have made deal pick stakes step off ladders onto clay earth. life allowed me once i should vineyard winter laying glass hulls just get chance work with wood times shop had production lulls. while curved sweeps black molds idled drydocked memories avoided odysseus they'd tell saw four-by-fours cradles or something equally unskilled tedious. but sometimes though wood-shop foreman lee would crown lucky guy apprentice-for-the-day then give him required handling teak all ruined stock be deducted fom his pay. day my turn came gay head highschool boy deftness way above curriculum arrived part-time ready annoy anyone everyone skills were good. told kid cut simple cover hatch four sides bevel shallow curve laughing make its match if thought nerve. was sanding couple minutes later put away because he knew how little getting paid else needed left cabin doors. first night find exactly right stick sure see through. so am three decades lee's advice willing finally take since knew. don't think poem's prosody nice rhymes breaks syntax matching as 83822 re the hat challenge asher haha. that's why webdelsol is best site because real poets exist here...exuse my purism. i'm a bit of puritanical fool but quite flexible. i just hate ibpc etc. recently got kicked out what's it called gazebo for questioning roof above their heads. all in past so was glad to return find some coel poetry not sweet really most people think bitter and arrogant beg differ. jesus full contradictions. thanks posting here... ag 83823 re poem with subtitles asher jesus geoff you make me smile. i like the brutal honesty of your critiques a great deal but wish we could discuss at some point where how why read poetry. maybe would learn something. can eddify what is pretentious here dunno. i'm frankly baffled this piece somehow difficult or pretentious...i sortof there was better discussion board on forum. have liked to start topic geoff's poetics. honestly though think -9 re. for david ayers. appears be wonderstruck its own self-involvement and gratuitous references artists. not an unusual sort by any means. say writing easy am suspicious those who pretend it is. has sold itself brooklyn bridge. 1 2 self-involved. best 83824 re in locos somnium asher amy sorry to get this so late. i like it a great deal except for some line breaks and few possible places you may consider tweaking. hey member when first came on here we got scuffle. now we're buddies. arguments are rejuvenating. my last dream parked the wrong place -consider 'the' draws attention away from narrator one can still infer my. sorts of sounds bit more zany as well. was towed but that's because city cares really does . there lots cameras guardrails if wingnuts loosen then revise lb ohm buoys will at least stay tethered overpasses all bad particles be sent with bells pushed bottom ocean -- sucked out later giant hose mean time interests fill potholes impound us ourselves while sleep. haha--what an ending. love it. it's wonderful really--political zany. what about that reappearing cropping up again somewhere dunno. ag 83825 re curfew hannah hello sachi- this is an interesting poem and in the center at moment of implosion movement after long dark quiet your angling syntax sense image shine through. curfews run on incandescent tyres. smell it breath a nine year old twin plaited scurrying for corner. she has no need light mirrors have failed her. sits quietly small islands between soft face earth acne hooves from flag march blackened blood well formed lesions you can only squeeze out. opening problematic me mostly because singular experience child her turns out not to be very important something finds worthy return visit. as intro into subject i m sure s successful could introduces too many elements that are revisited who what does represent failure do with following . pronoun s2 although clearly refers plural curfews. should fixed. also heavily convoluted spectacularly gruesome one squeezed like pimple goodness suggest which implies item 1 2. earth. ok. 2 however if so why then their own action isn t right there almost certainly just problem grammar. break through shutters light. when army fades windows peal follow its course. even dogs beg break. rush news bread around clots over hair brine whisper incense dargah hide smell. my favorite section poem. some visual problems pealing bells but think suggesting ring apt way showing how they come life glass physically shakes moves simply point i.e. enters or leaves perhaps better phrasing that. maybe. love convolute literal increasingly surrealistic components rushing whispers may mentioned before allow language poems unmoored little bit loosen morph will. here those instances suits well. ganga hydrant course slave metrical screws dub goes. turned up wash. all scores had time settle. sharp cries shoot water jets pigeons sparrows hunger ledge babies lovers grasp things hold again wheels roll dressed shadow. nice. might consider more definite transition awakening returning sleep silence. really blatant word until help. hush them down. cracks sealed ears closed rat goes bad ending crazy about seemingly simple qualifications. much telling nearly yet both accomplish reach towards same mutedness phrasing. practice doing found pleasure reading considering especially few slow reads. would enjoy seeing revision ever work one. -hannah 83826 cherchez le chapeau laurel t te te. the pair seems so apt obvious yet it does not follow head hat man apple. a moon hovers above s but that curve is breast en silhouette. an apple floats in front of nose where his face was and then dove flaps neither la pomme nor l oiseau mask. red bird black lune n est pas une femme no matter how passionately lone homme protests. eve as unsullied blanc until she bit into verte under full was. adam watched crouched un chien behind fig leaves collusion. search though you may for perfect to disguise your hide naked alas mon ami will never find it. who says everything sounds better french oh d sir oui amour ah yes. note seul objet f minin dans po me s'il vous plait. 83827 the next to last piece si mon they give me puzzles and pretend not watch. i take my time. push box closer. mostly nature scenes apple trees ghost moon over some snowy town horses on a wild romp. after shot what's left muddy boot prints. can't forget day for night. know think too much. there is medicine this pills cure puzzled looks. of sex less pieces together. notes. yet help but relate shoved in quick. it must fit here or here. know. does fit. 83828 the ibpc nom thread is michael mv http www.webdelsol.com bbs zineweb zineweb.cgi read 10223 83829 re cherchez le chapeau si mon you should work on end rhyme throughout this poem. what fun it could be funner. near rhymes that sing. femme -- something something. painting is t te te. the pair seems so apt obvious yet does not follow head hat man apple. a moon hovers above s but curve breast en silhouette. an apple floats in front of nose where his face was and then dove flaps neither la pomme nor l oiseau mask. red bird black lune n est pas une no matter how passionately lone homme protests. eve as unsullied blanc until she bit into verte under full was. adam watched crouched un chien behind fig leaves collusion. search though may for perfect to disguise your hide naked alas ami will never find it. who says everything sounds better french oh d sir oui amour ah yes. note seul objet f minin dans po me s'il vous plait. 83830 re curfew sachi hi hannah thanks for the crit. as usual --you are so generous. start has been an issue all along..this is 'supposed' to be a curfew..let's say in calcutta.. after riot..there burning tyres strewn every where. its dark with smoke and brilliant red..that's what i was going for. got get better words. think you right about wasted image at -- trying perhaps failed evoke complete suspension of self consciousness. fear that paralyses point aversion. picture never conveyed. one things common curfews those parts army keeps marching around..almost symbolically flag..to convey they on top fight. leave behind grooves dirt...so pimple..must grammar straightened. when wrote this few months ago it more melodramatic. abstracted bit too much that. also am generaliszing here..and must sorted out. ending not neat.. wonderful insights close read....they really helped. best regards hello sachi- interesting poem center moment implosion movement long quiet your angling syntax sense shine through. run incandescent tyres. smell breath nine year old twin plaited scurrying corner. she no need light mirrors have her. sits quietly small islands between soft face earth acne hooves from flag march blackened blood well formed lesions can only squeeze opening problematic me mostly because singular experience child her turns out very important something finds worthy return visit. intro into subject m sure s successful could introduces many elements revisited who does represent failure do following . pronoun s2 although clearly refers plural curfews. should fixed. heavily convoluted spectacularly gruesome squeezed like pimple goodness suggest which implies item 1 2. earth. ok. 2 however if why then their own action isn t there almost certainly just problem grammar. break through shutters light. fades windows peal follow course. even dogs beg break. rush news bread around clots over hair brine whisper incense dargah hide smell. my favorite section poem. some visual problems pealing bells but suggesting ring apt way showing how come life glass physically shakes moves simply i.e. enters or leaves phrasing maybe. love convolute literal increasingly surrealistic components rushing whispers may mentioned before allow language poems unmoored little loosen morph will. here instances suits well. ganga hydrant course slave metrical screws dub goes. turned up wash. scores had time settle. sharp cries shoot water jets pigeons sparrows hunger ledge babies lovers grasp hold again wheels roll dressed shadow. nice. might consider definite transition awakening returning sleep silence. blatant word until help. hush them down. cracks sealed ears closed rat goes bad crazy seemingly simple qualifications. telling nearly yet both accomplish reach towards same mutedness phrasing. practice doing found pleasure reading considering especially slow reads. would enjoy seeing revision ever work one. -hannah 83831 re cherchez le chapeau chapeaucheveux mme. l- magritte ah you know it's after my own heart...i love that polyphony. great shape sound. fun. biting. i'm a fan. consider grand nez instead of the man's nose dunno. i it messes with your oiseau thing...but screw it. t te te. pair seems so apt obvious and yet does not follow head hat man apple. moon hovers above s but curve is breast en silhouette. an apple floats in front where his face was then dove flaps neither la pomme nor l mask. red bird black lune n est pas une femme no matter how passionately lone homme protests. eve as unsullied blanc until she bit into verte under full was. adam watched crouched un chien behind fig leaves collusion. search though may for perfect to disguise hide naked alas mon ami will never find who says everything sounds better french oh d sir oui amour yes. note seul objet f minin dans po me s'il vous plait. here could should be inferred by capable reader imho. 83832 for the birds at chinese market who sing te ballard when box is open i envy you darkness four heads of your brothers a quartet voices silent with waiting and child s hand way it flutters there indecision how he decides lid must go song filling boy wonder. calls to his friends explore then lids returns each note stops begins again plays this game rhythm no reason. yet dark. 83833 re congrats to william te ibpc ballard thank you everyone and mv who does all that work of picking. http www.webdelsol.com bbs zineweb zineweb.cgi read 10212 83835 re roofers hannah david- welcome to the block. i try read learn my fair share but unfortunately don t know anything about critiquing transparent rebuses so m going comment on this as if it were just any other poem posted here and hopefully that s cool because well yeah. really only thing how do. plus have like 10 minutes before get home in snow. can say had a particularly positive interaction with bounces rather dramatically between conceptual affects one might describe bell-curve-ish confessional-style mandates officious moralizing some weird combination of urban fronting goofy rhyme there at end. book most stuff doesn't work. is clear tonal gap ear close s3 content s4. shift breaks nearly half visceral connection could draw top never mentioned again concluding narrative was seems hmm unfortunate. mexican ought keep laying roof-tile since something they already do right. help conclusion from language despite indications elsewhere narrator interested empathizing or internalizing concept natural giftedness suited-ness particular type labor not stereotyping. what except would be for me write talking mohawk workers who climb skyscraper scaffolding walk across beams suspended miles above city without wearing safety harnesses another entirely even suggest lightly by extension work best suited for. you want away reading an better examination connections roof basement its didactic conclusion. picked up this. time will tell suppose. suppose entire meant irony aren enough signposts signal ve abandoned altogether. structurally urge story sometimes seemed way itself voice use device etc. tension fabula syuzhet guess put missing me. bulk storytelling both very structured point eliminating sort play doubling happens little first two strophes unorganized takes longer than should tangential weak word choices . are lot hedging repetitive unnecessary words fill out scheme trying produce voice. let take s2 i've seen bandaged buying beer - mistakes come naturally them course brought where live our new jerusalem. three different phrases express same place now possible need all those also several symptoms related producing efficient syntax. examples include tendency qualify ready good. your choice moments tension. leads dangerous position. when reader hearing don't think poem's prosody nice rhymes syntax matching answers um. no. mean. giving room which reject basically punch-line somewhat overblown piece. danger robinson. danger. juxtaposition diction tone lines while curved sweeps black molds idled drydocked memories avoided odysseus kid sanding his couple later lee told stock he knew getting paid else needed left cabin doors. almost unmanageable pour moi. you're accomplish that. ok. go bored poems. thought interesting it's after vacation shake last sand shoes return these guys made deal pick stakes step off ladders onto clay earth. struck more chord placement foreign transplanted alien self lead-in subsequent strophe reads awkwardly indicates sense frustration having senses idyllic co-existence man feeling then hastily unwrites section builds writing working glass wood tiles...which isn't handled. anyway. part rest leave-or-take. peanut gallery least. thanks opportunity consider. -hannah 83836 re for the birds at chinese market who sing hannah t- i thought might get a chance this one. hoped. thought. whatever. really like it great deal perhaps one of my favorite pieces yours in recent time. title is exacting images most part very strong. and there keen sense balance between business telling filling boy with wonder envy you silent waiting language refracts strong central image into small component parts. don t know how married are to initial caps inconsistent use punctuation but think way clauses run another nestle against be suited not using just that few judicious full-stops commas would do all sorts cool things phrasing. won suggest specifics since if want entertain notion or not. cut after flutters. short-break which then allow word flutter literally hang mmhmm works me. care break narrative where goes from interaction box his friends. consider eliminating line he calls friends explore completely so right lid returns each note stops begins again boy. singular on seems right. eep. ok. last thing please kill ending yet when open. need final openness has an interesting play pandora s made me hope feathers had . any case. enjoyed much. thanks opportunity read respond. -h 83837 re for the birds at chinese market who sing te ballard thank you. yes please do suggest specifics. i am not married to any part of puncuation all in fact it is giving me darnest time. did like with uncaps as you may have seen before nor this way. help if see another way will just stop being so lazy and figure out myself. your other suggestions they were most helpful. t 83838 ps. te ballard it is those first three lines that are giving me the trouble how do you see them 83839 re for the birds at chinese market who sing yoly hi te love title. it caps poem well. this is a fine poem. enjoyed when box open i envy you darkness four heads of your brothers quartet voices silent with waiting and child s hand way flutters there indecision how he decides lid must go song filling boy wonder. calls to his friends explore then lids returns each note stops begins again plays game rhythm no reason. yet dark. 83840 hannah - thanks for the read on roofers david halitsky i very much appreciate careful you have given piece. it is also interesting to me that took last two lines as serious rather than sardonic. am curious why but don't want impose further by asking say. best regards 83841 re cherchez le chapeau yoly laurel- fun piece to read. thank you t te te. the pair seems so apt obvious yet it does not follow head hat man apple. a moon hovers above s but that curve is breast en silhouette. an apple floats in front of nose where his face was and then dove flaps neither la pomme nor l oiseau mask. red bird black lune n est pas une femme no matter how passionately lone homme protests. eve as unsullied blanc until she bit into verte under full was. adam watched crouched un chien behind fig leaves collusion. search though may for perfect disguise your hide naked alas mon ami will never find it. who says everything sounds better french oh d sir oui amour ah yes. note seul objet f minin dans po me s'il vous plait. 83842 unbridled river yoly pilar zora kennedy and i synchronized schedules to redistill grainy spirits. we settle near a red-stone bridge at the horizon spa in sedona. indigo greens mate river. runes begin form massages facials integrated. spikes air with how mommy-hood is an occupation she s never applied heard for but ivy school whiskey nice ass are assistants that keep her career out of braces. can t decide whom despises most husband or herself settling be fourth his profession mistress kids pecking order. breaks into song as remembers one wrote about loss returns observation deck makes cheerios circles on belly. it's quiet. take moment examine brochure eyelash tinting.... 30 full day escape.... 345 glycolic acid peel..from 35 m careful not wrong 3 e curse being misread. excavate labyrinth spine while estheticians pat pores make vows ensuing september free taken depending you look things. faces improving say farewell. 83843 re the hat challenge yoly sherry- ole i love hats. they're one of my favorite accessories...better when not a challenge. nice went to buy for quick rains and sudden chill brought on by afternoon sun walking off set behind mountains. find myself halfway under cold skirts night should have turned headed home. there was no mirror in department wondered what looked like. peeped into chrome edges showcases watched shoppers' expressions see scattered reflection storefront window. bought that smashes hair worse than any other has me observing out from glasses like baby owl. it is wool cradles tips ears so can hear birds blue shadows evening. who will woods anyway be wearing most comfortable hat. 83844 re hannah - thanks for the read on roofers david- simply. if they are sardonic by implication that would seem to dismantle a pertinent part of conceit from upper half poem and their suitedness roofing . intent my comment those two lines was not say these serious remarks rather than tongue-in-cheek in fact i assumed calling them fronting might imply saw as less yes but ask what happens reader answers no rhetorical question posed. eye is one point at which begins itself. top raises number instances issue being suited location or task raised. bottom then regardless whether fit do thing does thing. have idea how together framework provided poem. tried reading whole ironic noted it didn't work. further still inconsistencies tone diction throughout complicate this great deal...having itself an obstacle fulfillment. perspective. -h 83845 re unbridled river hannah yoly- hmm. oh you are going to want kick me in the shins. i know it. way too telly for me. story gets of poetry especially as characters tend be rendered via telling mechanisms rather than showing ones. nothing ever wraps back into chronology poem instance why line about indigos and greens mating what is its relevance does need it might change if did respond some there grammar syntax punctuation issues zora breaks song she remembers one cheerios circles . line-breaks at most inopportune moments. lines just flat-out didn t get we excavate labyrinth spine so on on. has that sort ya-ya sisterhood thing which granted don usually but even trying around my prejudices color this piece subdued too. kept waiting threads reconcile themselves although maybe s point suppose open-endedness fact restorative day rest little really alter or resolve anything end only been improved faces past tense s1 present all through remainder though time passing continually sorry missed plain-old ignored something blatant. -hannah 83846 to add michael mv as title for the birds at chinese market or over 83847 re for the birds at chinese market who sing hannah t- well i ll be tricky and say that think it depends. if you want to support elision which is most effective of stops begins again might plump poem with a few more those sorts long slides across phrases. this end use line-breaks as punctuation. maybe. sort what thought were doing no-caps version. envy darkness four heads your brothers quartet voices silent waiting. or just going easy-peasy method put in all commas any case confess hear like strong full-stop-enforced pause after seems appropriate yes wait waiting really moment having there no reason set off its own sentence. dunno. perhaps have had too much caffeine am rather bouncing walls hope don t mind. -h 83848 more thanks for the detailed reply david halitsky hannah - thematically piece is simplicity itself with no paradoxes or inconsistencies of any type. however from experience i have gained over past few months by posting at various boards learned that exegesis often misconstrued as defensive argumentativeness. so unless you yourself would wish some clarification will course refrain saying anything alter your own personal read piece. respect to lapse in voice and diction odysseus line other lines agree following sense. an ungauged writer whom one not personally familiar never sure what are deliberate lapses coherence diction. there certainly gauged writers who written 32-40 which vary purpose. i'm talking here obviously about pieces someone doing police different voices. issue comes down said implicit writer-gauging underlies reading new anyone. very much taking time re-respond forgive me if gone on length above. regards 83849 re the next to last piece hannah simon- still no footnote poem. i got sidetracked by some lionesses. or something. never think of very many things suggest in your poems they always seem have their own fairly careful intent and don t like muss up orderly which is why clean my desk instinct was start poem slightly further perhaps at push box closer. measure exactness lost that yes but didn mind. sooner you can get me into mostly nature scenes apple trees ghost moon better. opinion. not sold on fit doesn ending haven a good suggestion. it s weird here balance between riveting unwinding. scattering images movement out obvious task putting puzzle together these support suppose an unordering character end. starkness having just so. verb know. so certain. am sure found this disappointing because empathize with wanting tree turned another muddy boot print . -h 83850 re more thanks for the detailed reply hannah david- we pretty much have only one hard-and-fast rule here. you to post 2-3 critiques every poem of your own that post. i suppose if posted like 50 poems at once i'd yell you...but mostly people good manners and don't do that. oh. palaver natter that's chatter board is available via a link in top right corner page. other than can as like. few here who are very fond explaining their work misguided readers...i'm not them but doesn't mean much. somehow manage read poetry single day without any guiding notes from authors still survive. you'll see others love launch into personal exegesis about gem they far an ability gauge things someone's body-of-work--that's something time provide. -h 83851 i am trying this rewrite te ballard for the birds at chinese market who sing when box is open envy you darkness four heads of your brothers a quartet voices silent with waiting. and child s hand way it flutters indecision how boy decides lid must go song filling wonder. lids returns each note stops begins again plays game rhythm there no reason. yet open. 83852 re to add te ballard thank you michael. i am trying get her body and order then will see about the hat 83853 re for the birds at chinese market who sing te ballard thank you. we spent so much time my last workshop i am now writing them down even if dont have a poem. 83854 re unbridled river te ballard have you read claudia rankin your work reminds me of hers she has several wonderful books out. i at least one on my shelf need to read. anyway tend want this in more prose format. don t like the stanzas. mind telly if let story and can do that poetry. does it damn well. is two cents. 83855 re poem with subtitles david ayers j thanks. appreciate the comments. --d d love title. i first say third up to about word bronze. loses interest me there but it picks back around last or so. that ending for my money almost is worth price of admission. i'd like see middle dressed a little. could be seems little too loose there. enjoyed overall. j. 83856 re poem with subtitles david ayers like... geez you know i hadn't noticed how prevalent this was until pointed it out. have to think about it. tho do feel that snow like wax is different than waxy somehow. imagine a child for example on first hearing the word 'waxy' daddy what's uh means wax. as parent can verify exchange because happens virtually every day. not my answer necessarily right but that's one give. although wasn't thinking of when wrote this. curious. anyway appreciate your take bit something didn't really plan write ended up writing. sort --d david--absolutely lovely ironic tender. only problem similes...i've been recently taught question their necessity. ie why language inadequate express thing guess may be more taste. thought title could made detailed in some way...although interesting enough other readers simply say snow. get sense narrator pretty close child...you reminds me romantic poetry an incisive and humour behind emphasize there are many textual clues...so suggest allowing merging into mind . perhaps would see way. few echoes rilke here. had problems forth last strophe did sound overly...dunno. maybe intended don't time better critique. 83857 re poem with subtitles david ayers amy thanks. when you say that 'subtitles are the work ' then i feel probably have gotten it exactly. tend to think visually and sort of imagined these as captions more or less. --d enjoyed this for no other reason than absolutely magical way continued sustain note had established at title. there was something devilishly clever about what did here a rule begin scale down human understanding asks answers happens relationship if work. may not exactly doing but wanted thank got from it. thanks 83858 re poem with subtitles david ayers jude thanks. i guess have to agree that maybe this isn't as continuous or cohesive it might be. don't know. tend thoughts go off trail off...tangents. digress etc. realize poetry typically too fond of sort thing. mean the written word isn't--i think. is hard convey in writing. poetic equivalent discontinuous seeking seeing for instance. not would look like b c think there a still problem but be loose bit amorphous so speak use appears here . way and good which possibly little more work on part reader. much allusions either interestingly enough no one complained about structural stuff. by large open other ideas what-it-could-be how-it-could-be-approached. sometimes easy just people. --d well another interesting poem. weaves me out interest. almost stopped then read stopped. mind you am those 'readers' believes shouldn't at extricating precious nut overall couldn't get any whole within experienced many enjoyments. i'll comment inline. respectfully walking around her snow wax factory describing dream once had eaves icicles girl who wears mittens has wear you're wondering hands ha reminds seinfeld episode - 'man hands' manner degas sculpture held tight itself his dancers dark liquid warm bronze example sealed letter could been replica doorway beside coat rack where put your need last line puts one's dancer spanish dance tiffany lamp perhaps she was beginning rub today saying name over that's tongue-tip some time hiding shape taking cheek very fine mmmmm rodin makes lesson grow great now given rather quality particularly they touch each 'rather more' 3 wishy washy rising from breast reach across unbelievable distance body ground baby birds instance freezing weather reason than raincoat mother against reality lifting their necks up lovely ending can't tie all together though. feeling dense 83859 re poem with subtitles david ayers dear geoff. could you please show me where in your opinion this piece appears wonderstruck and self-involved thank you. --d re. for ayers. to be at its own self-involvement gratuitous references great artists. is not an unusual sort of by any means. i say writing easy am suspicious those who pretend it is. has sold itself the brooklyn bridge. 1 pretentious 2 self-involved. best geoff 83860 re thanks for the hat challenge jack m hey this is really cool jack. i didn't know that there was a challenge.great to see your work etc. bought asher. think slosh either happened or decided who cares which misunderstand sherry's title and well things went down hill from there. where's response 83861 re the hat challenge sherry you must be like my daughter she looks great in hats and she's so pretty it doesn't matter if her hair is smashed when takes them off. thanks for reading. s. sherry- ole i love hats. they're one of favorite accessories...better not a challenge. nice yoly 83863 re i am trying this rewrite amy te was going to chime in and say that vote for the title as is. like my brain feels wile e. coyote paddling air when get past end of it know a bit explanation sing... what why would clear things up but tease is precisely poem so engaging. there's kind deference birds there forced look back see expected more confronted by simple word sing . they... sing. that's enough. wow whole critique just about title. you brought something interesting titles somewhere how write them down now even no go with them. wise move those flashes. think are moments true inspiration where on than at first glance. listening careful study can reveal much follow wants be about. okay ends hippy shake portion our show. thanks chinese market who box open envy darkness four heads your brothers quartet voices silent waiting. child s hand way flutters indecision boy decides lid must song filling wonder. lids returns each note stops begins again plays game rhythm reason. yet open. 83865 not mine but... hannah i don't have a contribution of my own to make this thread---and jack's challenge has so boggled mind that need go lie down.... but was reading richard wilbur tonight and found this... 20 what is the opposite hat it isn't hard answer that. it's shoes for together protect our two extremes from weather. between these there lies middle which you would be wise clothe as well or you'll chilly run risk looking silly. his poems children others 83866 re in locos somnium amy jude thanks so much for sharing that. yeah.. that it and the funny line breaks everyone have been commenting on... it's i'm kind of glad people are bothered by them lol. sort organic piecemeal city versus carefully planned eh when jesse ventura was governor he got on everyone's bad side around here saying tonight show saint paul laid out as if a bunch drunken irishmen. topography must be at least partially to blame but i rather like interruptions grid. psychoanalyzing poem now weren't orchestrated effect trying find why am delighted their quirkiness. cheers really enjoyed this poem. is one my favourite yours now. no nits except break after 'it' 3. love ohm buoys. you had fun writing 83867 re not mine but... sherry hannah i really enjoy children's poetry though can't write it worth a hoot and this one certainly fits the bill for what would capture their attention questions silliness. have volunteered in school's library many years. thanks posting this. s. don't contribution of my own to make thread---and jack's challenge has so boggled mind that need go lie down.... but was reading richard wilbur tonight found this... 20 is opposite hat isn't hard answer that. it's shoes together protect our two extremes from weather. between these there lies middle which you be wise clothe as well or you'll chilly run risk looking silly. his poems children others 83868 re in locos somnium amy asher late responses are great. you just give up on more feedback and there it is like dessert. i go back forth the as first word... made myself read through changes things doesn't relationship between individual city complex i'm worried sounds a bleak apocolyptic vision to say that last dream parked wrong place... when it's an individual's with both meanings of maybe less so thanks for challenging word. my our night's ill keep playing. should be longer or come agree. right now such neat package. only time get disoriented then over. much your thoughts let's pencil some argumentative maintenance eh won't do let ourselves rut. sorry this late. great deal except line breaks few possible places may consider tweaking. hey member came here we got scuffle. we're buddies. arguments rejuvenating. place -consider 'the' draws attention away from narrator one can still infer my. sorts bit zany well. was towed but that's because cares haha--what ending. love it. wonderful really--political zany. what about reappearing cropping again somewhere dunno. ag 83869 re roofers walter goest note there is a long thread at qed poetry relevant to this piece it in the question of taste section and entitled transparent rebus ... url for http www.qedpoetry.com before poem completely written out another house will go up down street roofed by guys who know what they're about some mexicans laugh southern us heat. i've never seen one bandaged buying beer - mistakes do not come naturally them except course that brought here from where they live our new jerusalem. it's like after vacation when you shake last sand your shoes on return these have made deal pick stakes step off ladders onto clay earth. life allowed me once i should vineyard winter laying glass hulls just get chance work with wood times shop had production lulls. while curved sweeps black molds idled drydocked memories avoided odysseus they'd tell saw four-by-fours cradles or something equally unskilled tedious. but sometimes though wood-shop foreman lee would crown lucky guy apprentice-for-the-day then give him required handling teak all ruined stock be deducted fom his pay. day my turn came gay head highschool boy deftness way above curriculum arrived part-time ready annoy anyone everyone skills were good. told kid cut simple cover hatch four sides bevel shallow curve laughing make its match if thought nerve. was sanding couple minutes later put away because he knew how little getting paid else needed left cabin doors. first night find exactly right stick sure see through. so am three decades lee's advice willing finally take since knew. don't think poem's prosody nice rhymes breaks syntax matching as ain't got no shame telling someone their works shit response legitimate crit cool displaying site thrown i'm gonna beat let scale richter boredom perfect 10 opaque half account self fulfilling bullshit zero ok. -- cause quotes title now em wimp can't hide everywhere valty worst mare 83870 re i am trying this rewrite cyocom works very well as revised. the title is excellent. would like to break l9 on stops and think you intend lid s . noi for birds at chinese market who sing when box open envy darkness four heads of your brothers a quartet voices silent with waiting. child hand way it flutters indecision how boy decides must go song filling wonder. lids returns each note begins again plays game rhythm there no reason. yet open. 83871 re the next to last piece cyocom hello si mon it seems me that speaker is too much out of poem. what heck i mean by don't know. there no texture sense or feel puzzle only narrative in subject verb. starts slow and wonder would happen if you start with after shot... . could wind back catch beginning. are a couple places should look at punctuation again--l3 scenes l8 this line tells be evident from reading. yet can't help but relate shoved quick. noi 83872 who's valty david halitsky walter goest - this person did he or she take over your post i don't understand. thanks for any clarification you can provide and also stopping by. 83874 it is wednesday romus simpson losing marie paule by we laugh two continents inch an ocean closer in all that rushing sky the bushes cowering and hissing i hold you while hide your face want world to see way do slow heart lull of kiss before lights change hurry back into sound frenzy us near oasis hotel secret language there expanding between brief garden grow from our flowering shadows silver dusk infant democracy know me sleepy as a wildly currents above trees frenzied starling higher than cityscape shrills blue or hopeful citizen like stranger giving away fruit promise city freeways walls illustrated with faces gazing upon machine future television each technicolor downtown mirror how wander stalemated panorama behind out rain open my jacket for cover wool laughter love small silence can sleep -downtown thousands floors where sentinels meet at cistern jigsaw so new everything here even after year trains bells still find looking up watching scheduled squares partitioned sun falling down towers being tired on busses common people stood clamor dogma country s machinery refusing create poems celebrate themselves about feel things jazz fascinates fingers george benson africanesque his guitar voice made come room asking was he senegal wanting dining hall but had been informed not be too forward americans fall easily catch tell much adore innocent sturdy sincere when told loved diplomat speaking shy african girl more real pain naked children first sight elephants saturday are leaving going home news comes errant tense loitering crowds following threat disconnection power company everywhere shirley horn trio samba stirring snare drum forecasting winter symbol sheer cannot escape nor move space none this matters men sad women overworked pious shoeless yet bit denial has sustained eat slowly stay night listen breathe breath cloud gathering coming will lonely hand empty pocket season ornate absences conversation ending silences snow flurries three days until journal full one page drew own eyes they catalog moment linger together rush keep next sonnet have never good metered verse against literature car bellows door click letting go notch wound wrist always planes somewhere someone liturgy blues returning alone walking birds color connections lone pot screaming neighbor stove 1 am windows whites 83875 te michael mv that's too much title - top-heavy for the body and i'm not merely referring to visual symmetry. info in is poem where reader discovers it which appropriate this poem's sensibility. below your consideration --mv birds at chinese market i envy you darkness four heads of brothers a quartet voices silent with waiting. child s hand way flutters indecision how boy decides lid must go song filling wonder like air shapes magician's ballon. lids returns each note stops. begins. again. plays game rhythm without reason. when box open sing. 83876 forgetting how to spell dementia si mon usually it s a simple word not the perennial stumper i before e except in february. but reason or therefore explain . you have stop breathe even breathes count doors that surround you. re waiting for day get lost on main street your slacks and button down shirt. find yourself easing into father slang perusing icebox tecata bet bottom dollar. life isn t worth plugged nickel worse can nickel. so tattered ticket palookaville. all along route watch houses disappear gaping dark. 83877 re unbridled river sherry hi there yoly ah sisterhood. having grown up with 5 sisters i have always had men friends. l for some reason don't like the poem beginning names of women but since are not sally bev and ann they kinda do need to be recognized right off bat as women's names. sound first line is quite nice too. think would stronger second staza. we settle near a red-stone bridge... that way reader doesn't feel so left out. how you defined each character. gripes seem bit shallow cliche though try develop your characters more surprise us shock let them speak from even deeper parts their souls. then again certainly understand life becomes frustrating sometimes only thing just go spa grin really enjoyed lady who has ass assistants i'd drop parenthetical remark. never use parentheses in poetry unless it's very strong statement or successful trick. tense needs checked. end lines on preposition. no no. shaking my finger at complete thoughts without breaking. inlines pilar zora kennedy synchroniz ed schedules redistill our grainy spirits. bridge horizon sedona. indigo greens mate river. runes begin form massages facials integrated. about making last fun here an example letting thoughts. integrate. establish setting sans stanza currents feelings juxtaposed surface treatments face . spikes air mommy-hood occupation she s applied heard ivy school whiskey keep her career out braces. favorite flow she's to. perfect verb can t decide whom despises most husband herself settling fourth his profession mistress kids pecking order. breaks effectively this perhaps can't fourth-- love-- into song remembers one wrote loss returns observation deck makes cheerios circles belly. break after song. watch those buts. cheerio-circles tender deep soul subtle it. remembering quiet. take moment examine brochure eyelash tinting.... 30 full day escape.... 345 glycolic acid peel..from 35 bring down rest menu. m careful wrong 3 e curse being misread. excavate labyrinth spine while estheticians confusing. understand. i'm careful...should move previous stanza. pat pores make vows ensuing september free taken depending look things. faces improving say farewell. should also cleared poem. get rid semi-colon. tad confusing coming who's patting vows. ing improving. love idea improved. spirits lifted least outside. sorry put own italics see what done. won't if it bothers you. stanzas unified definitely works me. best s. 83879 re i am trying this rewrite sherry hi teresa think poem is really cool because i've never experienced this--and now want to i'm a punctuation freak so of course i'd punctuate it fully and creatively. perhaps make the title take up two lines if you're going longer. also maybe opened instead open. ands seem unnecessary me. envy you you. must admit don't understand why there any for idea captured birds. reposting my response felt needed explained more. didn't sound short here. that certainly doesn't mean behind isn't perfectly valid. just keep thinking about correlation your with nightingale. have seen film version mick jagger s good. when read story or see movie an unsatisfied sadness bird its in mechanics. can relate that--it stuck guess need some goo-be-gone. grin different mind-sets between us. using words child boy twice seems bit uninventive. probably good either but small hand something like that. part complete rhythm capture lids returns each note stops begins again what try lid lifted they begin again. say ...the plays game no reason know beautiful ending negated me use yet. thoughts on s. birds at chinese market who sing box open darkness four heads brothers quartet voices silent waiting. way flutters indecision how decides go song filling wonder. reason. yet 83880 re devils laurel hello jables. have you ever written a villanelle the repetition of this line i stirred and should not in poem makes me almost wish were villanelle. unfolds such methodical manner that i'll bet if so inclined it could be easily manipulated into form. regardless my wishes enjoyed which suprrised because with title like expectations somewhat low. 2 small quibbles are mostly about strangeness or suddenness transition namely here he dipped his biscuit bacon grease smiled but never returned until next morning rereading now see maybe i'm wanting an explicitly stated exit doesn't need found daughter her gown before school devil she knows will make biscuits . keep thinking who is missing between she. guess what how matter factly presents satanic visitation also interpreted as presence creepy 2nd husband stepfather. reading your oh forgot to mention most effective that's linebreak repeated line. break allows do double duty take on more than one meaning gone kitchen. through doorway trained eye eating left stove. put finger strap eased under chin then brought tail lips blew kiss. when warm drive school. 83881 re forgetting how to spell dementia david halitsky simon possible typo breathes for breaths in you have stop breathe even easy lazy word gaping houses disappear into the dark. other than that hard find something wrong with this. its sardonic tone is a perfect mask pain brain behind eye which has astutely seen right observational details collect this piece. no slips voice or diction at all. best regards 83882 re it is wednesday david halitsky romus simpson - gotta tell you i was prepared to dislike this. but found myself thinking a little way thru that if this guy gets what may be coming him his reviewers say he has new make cocktail mixed of equal parts ee cummings dylan thomas and just hint roethke. will returning repeatedly piece for detailed crit technical nature wanted give my first impression. 83883 climbing to redemption -- revised ctg christopher t george stacy and i ninja-climb the hoary gnarled redwood its ribbed ancient bark ascend a tenth of mile from green sorrel forest floor enter wilderness that has flourished here two millennia as she gathered harbored pixie lichens leather-leaf ferns reindeer moss. flying squirrels squeak past me cinch my lanyard check blake's hitch. breathe breathes she's holding our lives in limbo. switches on her silver miner's lamp study some huckleberries record blood red fruit with digital camera. further redemption's canopy seek sun crown hang free motion pass orange hollows caves held fire long ago blows kiss mouths love you explorer redemption. t. 83884 re unbridled river david halitsky yoly - if the voice and diction in this were a little less self-consciously arch it might be perfect example of what i call newyorkerbanaldetails signifying absolutely nothing. on other hand to give you benefit doubt feel compelled say that maybe that's are trying do with collection meaningless details. except case then drop sisterhood stuff first names. because you're connote emptiness relations among women work against your purpose here. regards dave 83885 re blended roast laurel so a ground hog's day kind of morning eh ---referring course to the billy murray movie. 2 things interest me about this poem ash. first i like concept on which it is hinged that speaker wants single moment spin wheel repetition and secondly speaker's choice repeated mundane. when read thought instantly jim zola's poetry aka si mon . he writes alot everyday or in life does well. too made think collins. zola mentioned flatness that's what both bothers compels as reader instance. collins because they do you've done very take an ordinary turn into poetry. what's missing from present colin's work epiphany. where going---which really nowhere...and yet...i want be transported somewhere by poem's end. make sense specifically collin's being his house alone lifting arms become human compass. needs....something little strange unexpected. need not offer some huge oh grrrr. don't know now. just reread your poem....and you achieve i'm asking for namely prefers company dog has more camraderie with family pet than wife. so....hmmmm. maybe scratch whole crit. thinking out loud rather rambling irritating manner. grin if revise i'll curious see it. ps curiosity who who's knocks socks off whose feel influences own. my coffee across kitchen stare at sun beginning bloom. bedroom i've shaken last dreams wife sleeps while share our heart hearts over obits comics cereal. had way would its all day. i'd sip smoke chances phone wouldn't ask anything. but hear rousing spell broken. pour her cup kiss cheek pretend we have something say. 83886 re the next to last piece david halitsky simon - really you mean can post as many want here often no sarcasm intended please tell me true cause i'd like get some crit on a bunch. 83887 re for the birds at chinese market who sing christopher t george when box is open i envy you darkness four heads of your brothers a quartet voices silent with waiting and child s hand way it flutters there indecision how he decides lid must go song filling boy wonder. calls to his friends explore then lids returns each note stops begins again plays this game rhythm no reason. yet dark. hi teresa poignant effective poem as we might expect from you. am not sure what make -- other somehow sadness these caged does come through to. joy boys well read whole situation described. poet envies their doesn't feel least explicitly anger or entrapment all best chris 83888 re climbing to redemption -- revised ctg david halitsky please compare your piece here the one posted by yoly a few posts below.' i have tried but cannot see reason give you benefit of any doubt here. this is newyorkerbanaldetailssignifyingnothing tee . and some details even involve brand-names specific afficianado or bouffe technical part names just like real masters do - danielle steele harold robbins. 83889 re unbridled river christopher t george pilar zora kennedy and i synchronized schedules to redistill grainy spirits. we settle near a red-stone bridge at the horizon spa in sedona. indigo greens mate river. runes begin form massages facials integrated. spikes air with how mommy-hood is an occupation she s never applied heard for but ivy school whiskey nice ass are assistants that keep her career out of braces. can decide whom despises most husband or herself settling be fourth his profession mistress kids pecking order. breaks into song as remembers one wrote about loss returns observation deck makes cheerios circles on belly. it's quiet. take moment examine brochure eyelash tinting.... 30 full day escape.... 345 glycolic acid peel..from 35 m careful not wrong 3 e curse being misread. excavate labyrinth spine while estheticians pat pores make vows ensuing september free taken depending you look things. faces improving say farewell. hi yoly sounds like sex city sedona-style. nicely visualized throughout enjoy repartee these four friends. chosen names good imagery starting spirits following right through wit candor. work yoly. all my best chris 83890 to david si mon no the title of one my favorite children's picture books -- you will need check with bosses here. i believe they want limit it one-a-day like vitamins a decent ration crits. which means am way behind on crit get busy s. 83891 re climbing to redemption -- revised ctg christopher t george please compare your piece here the one posted by yoly a few posts below.' i have tried but cannot see reason give you benefit of any doubt here. this is newyorkerbanaldetailssignifyingnothing tee . and some details even involve brand-names specific afficianado or bouffe technical part names just like real masters do - danielle steele harold robbins. david halitsky hello maybe it's review that are good at cutting pasting. let's what others think. chris 83892 re climbing to redemption -- revised ctg david halitsky agreed. you have posted a reasonable but unecessary response. it is who must listen what the others think whether they weigh in yea or nay. not my piece. don't them. davidhalitsky 83893 re climbing to redemption -- revised ctg christopher t george agreed. you have posted a reasonable but unecessary response. thanks for the it is who must listen what others think whether they weigh in yea or nay. isn't that workshopping process about not my piece. don't them. no might benefit if come into forum and post bombastic messages. davidhalitsky left out space. 83894 re to david christopher t george no the title of one my favorite children's picture books -- you will need check with bosses here. i believe they want limit it one-a-day like vitamins a decent ration crits. which means am way behind on crit get busy s. endorse your response necessary amount give and take is at writer's block as in most forums more than poem day would be taking advantage forum. chris editor 83895 re climbing to redemption -- revised ctg hannah chris- i am not at all a missionary for any sort of minimalist school god forbid and read lot poetry that is very descriptively dense so suppose it s worth trying explain why your modifiers are working me. think least partially the heavy use somewhat expected or dull gnarled wood ancient bark green sorrel seems questionable. but main problem much interesting detail in poem resituated onto bulky modifying phrases away from subject predicate. m sure you know by now just generally don t respond well these sorts polaroid poems which comprised mainly recitation actions observations urge support chronology overpowers sonics wordplay flexibility device have no idea what value comments might be. punchline playing on name work better if there hadn already been attempts anthropomorphize different light breathes she holding our lives limbo as has gathered harbored sun her crown . late turn into intimate moment between climbers adequately anchored context my opinion. thanks opportunity respond. -h 83896 re climbing to redemption -- revised ctg christopher t george chris- i am not at all a missionary for any sort of minimalist school god forbid and read lot poetry that is very descriptively dense so suppose it s worth trying explain why your modifiers are working me. think least partially the heavy use somewhat expected or dull gnarled wood ancient bark green sorrel seems questionable. but main problem much interesting detail in poem resituated onto bulky modifying phrases away from subject predicate. m sure you know by now just generally don respond well these sorts polaroid poems which comprised mainly recitation actions observations urge support chronology overpowers sonics wordplay flexibility device have no idea what value comments might be. punchline playing on name work better if there hadn already been attempts anthropomorphize different light breathes she holding our lives limbo as has gathered harbored sun her crown . late turn into intimate moment between climbers adequately anchored context my opinion. thanks opportunity respond. -h hi hannah many constructive comments. appreciate them. chris 83897 re blended roast bowen laurel thanks for the read. this is a one-off me. i like idea of but truly think execution off. i'm terrible judge my own work so usually surprised when anything do received well. have that blindness comes with being young i.e. inexperienced writer about what works and doesn't in one's work. creative juices are stuck right now to keep writing or it'll be another ten years before able write again. appreciate your as who read . don't know. michael burns writes sneaky meter. his poems often free verse they're actually he has four books can only find two everything will all morning secret names. also lot miller williams though pick him up less these days. william ryan die latin claudia grinnell conditions horizontal frank stanford light dead see adam hammer jack heflin map leaving tess gallagher moon crossing bridge bob hicok insomnia diary morrow anthology younger american poets. raymond carver poetry puzzled why even it. weird eh ground hog's day kind ---referring course billy murray movie. 2 things interest me poem ash. first concept on which it hinged speaker wants single moment spin wheel repetition secondly speaker's choice repeated mundane. thought instantly jim zola's aka si mon alot everyday life does too made collins. zola mentioned flatness that's both bothers compels reader instance. collins because they you've done very take an ordinary turn into poetry. what's missing from present colin's epiphany. where going---which really nowhere...and yet...i want transported somewhere by poem's end. make sense specifically collin's house alone lifting arms become human compass. needs....something little strange unexpected. need not offer some huge oh grrrr. know now. just reread poem....and you achieve asking namely prefers company dog more camraderie family pet than wife. so....hmmmm. maybe scratch whole crit. thinking out loud rather rambling irritating manner. grin if revise i'll curious ps curiosity who's knocks socks off whose feel influences own. 83898 re blended roast bowen sherry thaks for the read. your crit has not fallen on deaf ears. good advice all around. ash i'm going to be such a party pooper here. there's little too much familiarity almost point of tedium. moments are true but proven long enough in speaker's mind so cut it up front. make time even more precious reader. leave out sleeping wife beginning just introduce yourself and dog. btw heart-to-heart should hyphenated. ...i've shaken off last my dreams also needs bit work. threadbare using word always questioned. i don't think it's necessary ending makes poem hear you loud clear. at least grumble you're grouch like me what nice thing kiss. is strong word. whenever can. enjoyed s. 83899 re my summary hannah rick- the same stuff you always get lambasted for--abstraction poor grammar line-breaks cliche.... this is harder for me than others mostly because it doesn't even have level of narrative structure that they did to provide a reasonable interpretation your metaphor. as such formless gesture mostly. who or what are reading these days i find good cure being stuck in stylistic rut read and some more. -h 83900 re climbing to redemption -- revised ctg michael mv w the title consider out last line. or reclaim your original and keep that also appearing so much in text. suggestions as usual sincere always. i see my suggested explorer made it into this revision. might effectively service poem's line 83901 re climbing to redemption -- revised ctg david halitsky - please do not mistake precision for bombast. putting brand-names and esoteric part names into works of poetry or prose is something that marks the amateur unless done real thematic purposes. since this poem has no theme cannot be case. with respect what i mean by newyorkerbanaldetailssignifyingnothing apologize a phrase may depend on its how old readers are. before donald barthelme howard moss took over new yorker their deserved turns in spotlight people scratched heads every short-story going okkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkaaaaaayyyyyy ..... best regards halitsjy 83902 re climbing to redemption -- revised ctg christopher t george w the title consider out last line. or reclaim your original and keep that also appearing so much in text. suggestions as usual sincere always. i see my suggested explorer made it into this revision. might effectively service poem's line mv hi once again thank you for reading commenting. always appreciate even if all of them don't make cut. thanks stalwart support michael chris 83903 re the next to last piece laurel i just told someone down board a ways that their poem might make good villanelle thanks first line and feel same way about this jz. ever write one not don't like what you've got here. guess my reaction's lukewarm. loved concentric was all set crit it...but you fixed any complaints had with in revision. ibpc month if ya mind. but really back thing. would great repetition as second know think too much can't forget day for night. oh i'll shut up. could nag into manipulating villanelle. still it'd swell were so inclined. they give me puzzles pretend watch. take time. push box closer. mostly nature scenes apple trees ghost moon over some snowy town horses on wild romp. after shot what's left muddy boot prints. much. there is medicine pills cure puzzled looks. of sex less pieces together. notes. yet help relate shoved quick. it must fit here or know. does fit. 83904 only fools take accordion david halitsky since our three-personned god has lately sworn off all menages a quatre and my bank-account will not permit me to play tom o bedlam in the homeless streets for some three-daughtered king who once was president of haverford i go walmart once-a-week watch holy ones as they music can hear on their accordions shopping-carts - you do what do. 83905 re climbing to redemption -- revised ctg christopher t george - please do not mistake precision for bombast. opinionated then putting brand-names and esoteric part names into works of poetry or prose is something that marks the amateur unless done real thematic purposes. i don't appreciate label my has been published enough recognized enough. think your problem you have come here with preconceived ideas an ego. right we both egos but.... compare crit those hannah mv. make reasonable criticisms without bombast slurs brought poem yoly. since this no theme cannot be case. again opinion. respect what mean by newyorkerbanaldetailssignifyingnothing ah there go again. apologize a phrase may depend on its how old readers are. apology accepted but are plastering it around like mud. before donald barthelme howard moss took over new yorker their deserved turns in spotlight people scratched heads every short-story going okkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkaaaaaayyyyyy ..... barthelme. barth. ashbery. best regards david halitsjy misspelling meant 83906 oliver twist ed rock challenge thread the stone hat i didn't know where to put it became a franchise--a crystal bin. not obsidian spear head has long been buried do try even return it. duncan scott could mourn but still assimilate spears heads in shoe box of mineralogist. am too black mourn--mourning is an equi vocation. geologist become meme that he was digging for his screams blacken bed. only poem can we re stratify brain. and zoologist bleakening into tinted beaker brine. longed write got mangled kitten. once opt out dissection. junior school vegan. mourn. learned knowledge came from paradox panther. memes are good your art more you eat closer aardvark. when stones supernatural endeavor aardvarks exist. see samuel johnson piper's appendage. 83907 re only fools take accordion christopher t george since our three-personned god has lately sworn off all menages a quatre and my bank-account will not permit me to play tom o bedlam in the homeless streets for some three-daughtered king who once was president of haverford i go walmart once-a-week watch holy ones as they music can hear on their accordions shopping-carts - you do what do. hi david beginning could possibly be three-personed or three-person no hyphen needed bank account rather than it more simply am sure about finale because is kind meaningless throwaway. end shopping carts would better. an interesting poem david. thanks sharing with us. best chris 83908 re climbing to redemption -- revised ctg david halitsky chris - over at slate frays where i was trained by some of the best this kind thing there a poster named being_frank much missed now. he decided take his gre's and finish education rather than continue educating others with posts. anyway had rule which trotted out very simple one who cites typo loses. seems hardly worth stating but apparently it is not operative board. thank you for pointing that implicitly. will be sure type more carefully. my comment about barthelme moss writers their turn in sun before them post. so huh 83909 re only fools take accordion david halitsky chris - thanks for taking the time to comment. actually donne wrote it as three-person'd but i modernized spelling. maned and manned are two different words very good reasons having do with historical morphophonemics of english. not sure if you got reference simply because found closing sentence be a throw-away. again stop by. best regards 83910 re climbing to redemption -- revised ctg christopher t george chris - over at slate frays where i was trained by some of the best this kind thing there a poster named being_frank much missed now. he decided take his gre's and finish education rather than continue educating others with posts. an honest question is worth visiting it poetry forum. genuinely interested. anyway had rule which trotted out very simple one who cites typo loses. sorry but you are pressing buttons. seems hardly stating apparently not operative board. we crit poems will point typos for betterment poem. thank pointing that implicitly. be sure type more carefully. my comment about barthelme moss writers their turn in sun before them post. alright. do fan barthelme's again question. so huh david halitsky 83911 literally and figuratively a belated thanks laurel to all of you for reading this poem commenting. i hear who complained about the last lines. saw that photo moles strung up on barbed wire fence couldn't resist including it in poem. but yeah it's gotta go. admit i'm astonished if anyone likes anything writing lately as lots folks seem not be too fond metapoetry so pleases me greatly some y'all liked this. wanna see depict lines my google then click images option voila swear ever write book might cover. again buckets time give work. 83912 re oliver twist ed rock challenge sorry follow jack's rules. it's too late for me. the stone hat i didn't know where to put zirconia it became a franchise--a crystal bin collect species a-z. how obsidian spear head has long been buried. don't try even return it. duncan scott could mourn but still spears heads in shoe box of mineralogist. am black mourn--mourning is an equi vocation. geologist become meme that he was digging now blackens coal. only poem can we destratify his brain. and zoologist bleakening into tinted beaker brine. longed write got mangled kitten. once couldn't opt out dissection. junior school vegan. mourn. learned knowledge came from paradox panther. memes are good your art more you eat closer aardvark . when stones supernatural endeavor aardvarks exist. see samuel johnson naval. 83913 to natter please hannah if you would be so kind discussion of critical methods inquiry poets who we do don't like and mis spellings names should go the board... p n leaving this area free for les po sies. danke. 83914 saab story bowen note frantic plea help it's in the comfortable dark that her hand snakes and yanks keys from ignition. everything stops. he wants to leave ditch but a stops him--good samaritan already dialing for tow. saab's cross hair headlights she slings weeds where we are watching surely rehearsal murder. our angle his could be knife heart gun. here projector jerks knocks like shot lifter. lights flash on their faces hillbilly cops straight out of celluloid swaggering into still steamy post-rain road. idling helpfully by center line set stunning close-ups. makes move quick cop all stars come denouement. loss again too unknown survive fade-away credit. 83915 re to natter please christopher t george if you would be so kind discussion of critical methods inquiry poets who we do don't like and mis spellings names should go the board... p n leaving this area free for les po sies. danke. i think blast has pretty much blown out david are reaching an understanding. thanks hannah. ctg 83916 re my summary christopher t george rick- the same stuff you always get lambasted for--abstraction poor grammar line-breaks cliche.... this is harder for me than others mostly because it doesn't even have level of narrative structure that they did to provide a reasonable interpretation your metaphor. as such formless gesture mostly. who or what are reading these days i find good cure being stuck in stylistic rut read and some more. -h happened he delete chris 83917 re saab story christopher t george note frantic plea help it's in the comfortable dark that her hand snakes and yanks keys from ignition. everything stops. he wants to leave ditch but a stops him--good samaritan already dialing for tow. saab's cross hair headlights she slings weeds where we are watching surely rehearsal murder. our angle his could be knife heart gun. here projector jerks knocks like shot lifter. lights flash on their faces hillbilly cops straight out of celluloid swaggering into still steamy post-rain road. idling helpfully by center line set stunning close-ups. makes move quick cop all stars come denouement. loss again too unknown survive fade-away credit. hi ash good idea poem. is this film noir you writing about if so it might get more details character names actor description period clothes worn mannerisms etc. poem kind tails off at end as knew was theme didn't know how it. just fritters away. better part actually first two stanzas whereas once introduced begins lose some steam. playacting after all. try stay edge begin with ambiguity probable murder or leadup an actual title coy can do better. dealing meatier issues than implies. my best chris 83918 re saab story david halitsky ash bowen funky-one i actually liked the earlier version of this you posted quite a while ago on gaz. has lost all meanness. really think that it might help if you'd post very first here so readers can sense where came from and you're headed in right direction. regards dave 83919 re saab story si mon i like the noir tone -- and do love movies. but ending seems to lack something no help know some comments below. note frantic plea it's in comfortable dark that her hand snakes yanks keys from ignition. everything stops. he wants leave ditch a stops him--good samaritan already dialing for tow. saab's cross hair this is stretch headlights she slings weeds where we are watching surely rehearsal murder sounds awkward...i keep putting murder. our angle his could be knife heart gun. here projector jerks knocks shot lifter. lights flash on lifter doesn't sound right their faces hillbilly cops maybe redneck straight out of celluloid swaggering into still steamy post-rain road. idling helpfully by center line set stunning close-ups. makes move quick cop all stars come denouement. loss again too unknown survive fade-away credit. 83920 rock challenge asher my apologies i needed to restart this thread as killed poem. the stone hat didn't know where put zirconia it had became a franchise--a crystal bin collect species a-z. latinate birds. how obsidian spear head has long been buried. don't even try return it. duncan scott could mourn but still spears heads in shoe box of mineralogist. am too black mourn. mourning being an equivocation. geologist become meme that he was digging for now blackens coal. only poem can we destratify his brain. is and zoologist bleakening into tinted beaker brine at last. longed write got mangled kitten. once couldn't opt out dissection. junior school vegan. spayed open ribcage. kitten's heart cut minute particulars. learned knowledge came from paradox panther or antler. memes are good your art more you eat farther arriving aardvark . when stones supernatural endeavor aardvarks exist. see samuel johnson piper's appendage. 83921 re saab story hannah ash- the goal of this crit will be to not use phrase film noir. i like set small and reasonable goals for myself that have some chance accomplishing. do version better than ot think writing is although there are new elements also cause trouble. specifically two areas me from our angle his hand could a knife her heart gun. one changes you made poem involved relocating action even further away narrator by introducing it as second-hand knowledge. begs question who then narrators where they observe entire scene . police. someone else. somewhere. in original wasn t such big deal because whole narrative was more omniscient distanced. here though with lines above voice clearly inserted present acting on scene. plus just those little campy. k. what else oh yeah. no clue doing it's loss again samaritan too unknown survive fade-away credit. barely know says. ending denouement would better. everywhere belt-tightening probably. off-the-cuff ideas consider s comfortable dark snakes yanks keys ignition. everything stops. he wants leave ditch but stops him good already dialing tow. saab's crosshair headlights she slings weeds we watching surely rehearsal murder. don happens my suggested edit understand why tosses keys. much info maybe. say either make their appearance relative or get em out crazy bystanders. projector jerks knocks shot lifter. lights flash faces hillbilly cops straight celluloid swagger ing into still steamy post-rain road 's idl es helpfully center line stunning close-ups. makes move quick cop all stars come denouement. 83922 at rudy's place geoff . things happen might never in a business where everyone wants to make it but seldom does. not far from i lie on my side bed the single furnishing of this rented room throughout hackensack fifties cream bebop jazz was recorded preserved for wondering world. some finest proofs shortlived form miles and his incomparable quartet two sonnies brothers john thelonius taxied same cab across washington bridge hotly discussing starvation contracts with prestige label. county seat bergen one smallest counties states within van gelder household student son converted studio flock distant black men working cash down no royalties barged into lily white neighborhood causing neighbors start sweating. after three hours taxi carried them back lordly hudson 52d street their connections leaving wonderful treasury tape saints sinners alike. soon they would all be passe unemployed unrecorded. end life beginning survival. leone 83923 re at rudy's place david halitsky things happen might never in a business where everyone wants to make it but seldom does. not far from i lie on my side bed the single furnishing of this rented room throughout hackensack fifties cream bebop jazz was recorded preserved for wondering world. some finest proofs shortlived form miles and his incomparable quartet two sonnies brothers john thelonius taxied same cab across washington bridge hotly discussing starvation contracts with prestige label. county seat bergen one smallest counties states within van gelder household student son converted studio flock distant black men working cash down no royalties barged into lily white neighborhood causing neighbors start sweating. after three hours taxi carried them back lordly hudson 52d street their connections leaving wonderful treasury tape saints sinners alike. soon they would all be passe unemployed unrecorded. end life beginning survival. grade comments yes who what when why instructor guillaume moyers visiting course journalism job geoff - seriously great tale told heart something other than poetry. dave 83924 re rock challenge hannah mr. stone- hate the memes parenthetical we. this is not a we poem. ambivalent about repetitions obsidian tough word to pull off maybe using it less often would help. also supernatural endeavor at end. love latinate birds beaker of brine i-am-too-black-to-mourn kitten s heart. seems all in 10-minutes-from-poem-post-to-critique mode today so what hell. there my speed-crit. if i had longer explain making theory and criticism organic poem plasticine layer that must be pulled aside order even allow reader freedom form her own notions text. as penance one chapter de man twenty lashes with an olive branch . -h 83925 rev 1 only fools take accordion david halitsky since our three-personned god has lately sworn off all menages a quatre and my bank-account will not permit me to play tom o bedlam in the homeless streets for some three-daughtered king who once was president of haverford i go walmart once-a-week watch as holy ones adapt music they can understand accordions shopping-carts joyously roll back into store - you do what do. 83927 d c jables they've scraped me clean so i can be good for something again. outside the well is uncovered and birds have gathered. it's a round song they're singing on lip of stone loop that lines way to water. cat hungry again its bowl empty too. open door scatter but one caught in dreaming. 83928 re rock challenge when i opened the envelope bowen laurel so strange. taught this story last night in comp ii. if you add up weights they to weight of a dead human body probably knew that . anyhoo nice work but not completely sold on it---but almost. it might lean little heavily o'brien's own words. gum part reminded me your spacing teeth poem read once gumball poetry don't know why though now. i'm iffy this. ash pebble fell out for tim o'brien didn t where put tucked my mouth sucked its salt rolled under tongue like tooth lost childhood loose typo brain mis- thought slip freudian maybe--wiggled niggled root still clinging refused let go gun yep another one goes without saying while marching kill hill zealot or zombie her world size and shape bullet rattling loosed camouflaged atlas hauling gift humping preferred verb which would make white legs squirm dear jimmy remember we sat next each other at movies close could see veins wrist dark ran hands over us as bonnie clyde got shot full holes--i saw eyes hesitated then kiss goodnight inside can stop taste blood here s found sand land ended waves began-- picked riptide pulled ankles all want is lay down boots tuck pillow something by dream untouchable knees martha. 83929 re saab story bowen chris i've been through so many friggin drafts of this i want to kill myself how's that for hyperbole . anyway know is bad but i'm in love with s1 finish it. maybe trying too hard. as always your keen eye and judgement comments are appreciated. ash hi good idea a poem. film noir you writing about if it might help get more details character names actor description period clothes worn mannerisms etc. the poem kind tails off at end knew was theme didn't how just fritters away. better part actually be first two stanzas whereas once projector introduced begins lose some steam. it's playacting after all. try stay on edge begin ambiguity probable rehearsal murder or leadup an actual murder. title coy can do better. dealing meatier issues than implies. all my best 83930 re saab story bowen ash funky-one you got 'em all right. sometimes i'm also known as bad but not around here. lol thanks for the read dave. terrible at revision. my revisions always turn poems into something else usually worse . read. fo ab ba i actually liked earlier version of this posted quite a while ago on gaz. has lost meanness. really think that it might help if you'd post very first here so readers can sense where came from and you're headed in right direction. regards dave 83931 re saab story bowen you did help though. much appreciated. sometimes we need others to confirm our worst fears. i think this is going sit in my desk under a rock for year. thanks reading and commenting. a. like the noir tone -- do love movies. but ending seems lack something no know some comments below. 83932 re saab story bowen hannah can we talk when are you going to give me some more of those ass-whipping crits i used love so much the ones that made construct voodoo dolls with your name on them but never had courage stick pins lol point out very areas felt least sure of. appreciate no matter how soft or hard . i'll attend feel figure what this piece shite wants be. best ash funkyone bad ash- goal crit will be not use phrase film noir. like set small and reasonable goals for myself have chance accomplishing. do version better than ot think writing is although there new elements also cause trouble. specifically two from our angle his hand could a knife her heart gun. one changes poem involved relocating action even further away narrator by introducing it as second-hand knowledge. begs question who then narrators where they observe entire scene police. someone else. somewhere. in original wasn t such big deal because whole narrative was omniscient distanced. here though lines above voice clearly inserted present acting scene. plus just little campy. k. else oh yeah. clue doing it's loss again samaritan too unknown survive fade-away credit. barely know says. ending denouement would better. everywhere belt-tightening probably. off-the-cuff ideas consider s comfortable dark snakes yanks keys ignition. everything stops. he leave ditch stops him good already dialing tow. saab's crosshair headlights she slings weeds watching surely rehearsal murder. don happens my suggested edit understand why tosses keys. info maybe. say either make their appearance relative get em crazy bystanders. projector jerks knocks shot lifter. lights flash faces hillbilly cops straight celluloid swagger ing into still steamy post-rain road 's idl es helpfully center line stunning close-ups. makes move quick cop all stars come denouement. 83933 re forgetting how to spell dementia jables nice. a keeper though the cliches took me second get. suggestion for first line since i thought perrenial was wrong usually it's simple word not an before e stumper february. good solid work. 83934 re rock challenge asher lol...ok going back to the cutting board or drawing board. mr. stone. stone- hate memes parenthetical we. this is not a we poem. ambivalent about repetitions obsidian tough word pull off maybe using it less often would help. also supernatural endeavor at end. love latinate birds beaker of brine i-am-too-black-to-mourn kitten s heart. seems all in 10-minutes-from-poem-post-to-critique mode today so what hell. there my speed-crit. if i had longer explain making theory and criticism organic poem plasticine layer that must be pulled aside order even allow reader freedom form her own notions text. as penance one chapter de man twenty lashes with an olive branch . -h 83935 my stone kitten asher hat i didn't know where to put the zirconia it had became a franchise--a crystal bin collect species a-z. latinate birds. how obsidian spear head has long been buried. won't try return it. duncan scott could mourn but still spears heads in shoe box of mineralogist. am too black mourn. an equivocal mourning do say. geologist become meme that he was digging for now blackens coal. only poem can we destratify his brain. zoologist is bleakening into tinted beaker brine at last. longed white got mangled kitten. once couldn't opt out dissection. junior school vegan. spayed open ribcage. kitten's heart cut minute particulars. have learned knowledge comes from paradox so dissect and resect twist its dead corpse antler trophy wall. stones supernatural endeavor when aardvarks exist. presumes layer-- some semblence stratified mind. see samuel johnson piper's appendage. 83936 i know why the boxed bird sings nm amy 83937 a love poem asher on mount parnassus we took chair lift up to ski black diamond. you were artemis perhaps. that vacuole drains and leaves bareness i conceived muse lightening turned in ate itself consider the anachronistic use of word oracle. check yourself out mirror floating. follow leader manner chaperon. this place is desolate namgyal. solus could not endure robs chickens their heads as they run frantic circles. rise afterlife. nucleus afterlife only am trying coin this...and yet. always turn worm at end mid sentence. want heave you. yet must attempt make an account how space grows vast without oracle because chairlift has stopped air are growing dark sun. remember however imperfect my memory. what if memory bare leaping hopes have been when invaded me-- huntress. romantic. can imperfect. 83938 my stone kitten in leotards asher i didn't know where to put the zirconia it had became a franchise--a crystal bin collect species a-z. latinate birds. how obsidian spear head has long been buried. won't try return it. duncan scott mourned but still collected spears heads shoe box of mineralogist. am too black mourn. an equivocal mourning do say. geologist become meme that he was digging for now blackens like coal. only poem can we destratify his brain. zoologist is bleakening into tinted beaker brine at last. here's handful animals before longed white hat got mangled kitten. once couldn't opt out dissection. junior school vegan. mourn spayed open ribcage. kitten's heart cut minute particulars. since have learned knowledge comes from paradox so resect and twist its dead corpse antler trophy wall crumbling. stones supernatural endeavor when aardvarks exist. colating presumes kitten-- who water works. there no semblence stratified mind through layers arrive throat. 83939 re d c sherry jables this poem and its perspective is great. the only thing left out physical pain involved therefore i would title it what dilation curretage hell if you went through deserve to name right long. second third lines are sad. somehow wish that they didn't sound like a sarcastic defeated purpose. but whatever feeling after kind of surgery right-on. inline thoughts delete add they've scraped me clean so can be good for something again. outside well uncovered birds have gathered. it's round song they're singing on lip stone loop i'd make these two tighter sing way water. cat hungry again bowl empty too. open door scatter with one caught in dreaming. thanks poem. love peace s. 83940 re saab story david halitsky you're quite welcome glad we're still on speaking terms. dave 83941 re roofers barbara silberg david there's a lot going for this but rather than stick to form --religiously rhyming -- would be better with some cuts. see below. note there is long thread at qed poetry relevant piece it in the question of taste section and entitled transparent rebus ... url http www.qedpoetry.com before poem completely written out another house will go up down street roofed by guys who know what they're about mexicans laugh southern us heat. i've never seen one bandaged buying beer - mistakes do not come naturally them except course that brought here from where they live our new jerusalem. it's like after vacation when you shake last sand your shoes on return these have made deal pick stakes step off ladders onto clay earth. life allowed me once i should vineyard winter laying glass hulls just get chance work wood times shop had production lulls. while curved sweeps black molds idled drydocked memories avoided odysseus they'd tell saw four-by-fours cradles or something equally unskilled tedious. sometimes though wood-shop foreman lee crown lucky guy apprentice-for-the-day then give him required handling teak all ruined stock deducted fom his pay. day my turn came gay head wrong connotation can drawn highschool boy deftness way above curriculum average worker's arrived part-time ready annoy anyone everyone skills were good. gold star lines. told kid cut simple cover hatch four sides bevel shallow curve laughing make its match if thought nerve. was sanding couple minutes later put away because he knew how little getting paid else needed left cabin doors. first night do- find exactly es right mak e ing sure s through. so am three decades lee's advice willing finally take . since knew. don't think poem's prosody nice rhymes breaks syntax matching as over top too ham-fisted self-irony i'm afraid. hope least dealing substance suggestions welcome intended. been help. --barbara s. 83942 re roofers david halitsky barbara lynn silberg - thanks very much for taking the time to read this piece and comment on it in isolation from accompanying thread one noted my toppost. if could be rewritten i.e. had not been written as an exercise type of poetic device described then your comments would indeed helpful revision. minor note people post all here with references places western us which i have no familiarity. so same folks will deal reference vineyard also gay head . even were going revise is thematically important because implies that boy was a member nativeamerican tribe gayhead locale martha's vineyard. now wishes known by its native american name but change original use tribe's modern anachronism some lambaste me for. again welcome. best regards 83943 re the next to last piece barbara silberg only 2 small nits 1. too pills cure... i think would be a better line break my opinion 2. quick ly is an adverb and this soul obviously compulsive. hope have been of help. --barbara s. they give me puzzles pretend not watch. take time. push box closer. mostly nature scenes apple trees ghost moon over some snowy town horses on wild romp. after shot what's left muddy boot prints. can't forget day for night. know much. there medicine cure puzzled looks. sex less pieces together. notes. yet help but relate shoved in quick. it must fit here or here. know. does fit. 83945 re who's valty walter goest - this person did he or she take over your post i don't understand. thanks for any clarification you can provide and also stopping by. david halitsky hey wuss is me get out much like said boy worst night mare call 'bukin bronte' if want 83946 chateux gateux chien avec l'eau nm waldo rienx 83947 a love poem asher on mt parnassus mount we took chair lift up to ski black diamond. you were artemis perhaps. that vacuole drains and leaves bareness i conceived muse lightening turned in ate itself consider an anachronistic use of the word oracle . check yourself out mirror floating. follow leader manner chaperon. this place is desolate namgyal. solus could not endure robs chickens their heads as they run frantic circles. rise afterlife. nucleus afterlife only am trying coin this...and yet. always turn worm at end mid sentence. want heave you. yet must attempt make account how space grows vast without because chairlift has stopped air are growing dark. remember however imperfect my memory. what if memory bare leaping hopes have been when invaded brain huntress. romantic. can imperfect. 83948 re a love poem nm asher 83949 re who's valty david halitsky well then - i just put a new one out about the accordion and no else is really crittin it anyway so let's see what ya got. dave 83950 re forgetting how to spell dementia sherry si mon it's probably just me but after that sock-to-the-head title i'd sure like see this poem begin... breathe even breaths. count the doors surround you. you are waiting for day get lost on main street. in your slacks and button-down shirt. i love most. rest is pretty good too. s. usually it s a simple word not perennial stumper before e except february. reason or therefore explain . have stop breathes street button - down find yourself easing into father slang perusing icebox tecata bet bottom dollar. life isn t worth plugged nickel worse can nickel. so tattered ticket palookaville. all along route watch houses disappear gaping dark. 83951 re forgetting how to spell dementia laurel i'm with sherry. start the poem on stop line you have even breath breathes and count doors that close around you. yeah i changed slightly. what do think from absolutely terrifying footage i've seen of alzheimers patients these losses simplest things like a word or remembering your phone number child's name are closing. instead repeating lost in next lines about having slacks unzipped button down shirt buttoned up wrong you're waiting for day get main wrong. easing might not be right best verb. slipping perhaps which would connote slippage memory too. perusing struck me as quite either. searching again serve both double meaning find yourself into father s slang icebox tecata bet bottom dollar. final slight changes. life isn t worth plugged nickel now remember nickel. so it tattered ticket palookaville. all along route watch houses disappear swallowed by gaping dark. couplets apt this case if only impose an ironic kind tidiness onto then juxtapose nicely disorder memory. phrases make smile no doubt effective leavening agents otherwise very serious poem. balance achieve here jim. is delivered light voice yet subject couldn't any heavier. much enjoyed reading this. 83952 re for the birds at chinese market who sing laurel hey te thought i might as well chime in here along with everyone else. made a few small changes. see what you think. envy darkness four heads of your brothers quartet voices silent wait. and child s hand way it hesitates then flutters he decides lid must go song that fills boy wonder until lids are returned each note stops again. plays this game all day. there is no reason rhythm. still every time box opens dark. think poem could fly or without punctuation. went ahead inserted commas whatnot because tend to overpunctuate everything. grin like hannah's suggestion ending on open yet...i there's something really strong compelling about circling back speaker envies. envied makes so me. it'd be easy enough person write being charmed by songs market. but deeper darker. very ying yang te. much enjoyed reading it. 83953 dull david halitsky when i was young hated all things indian and hindu because a girl in tenth grade english class could speak french fluently seemed to know what the bhagavad-gita later really did spend two years driving cab new york city never once saw larry at belmore cafeteria sitting with book while rest of us played gin. but whenever much now walk outside into dawn around this house hard-up against pasture bordering subdivision one cow always looks me just me. 83954 on mt parnassus asher i. there we stood blind and whole grasped a blanch fell mount took chair lift up to ski black diamond. you were artemis. that vacuole drains leaves bareness i conceived muse lightening turned in ate itself consider an anachronistic use of the word oracle . check yourself out mirror floating. follow leader manner chaperon. this place is desolate namgyal. east wind not top west field wheat mangled bicycle. solus could endure robs chickens their heads as they run frantic circles. rise afterlife. nucleus afterlife only am trying coin yet always turn worm at end mid sentence. want heave you. must attempt make account how space grows vast without because chairlift has stopped air are growing dark. love remember however imperfect my memory. aeolian harp twangs boreal sweetens not. what if memory bare leaping hopes have been when invaded brain huntress. romantic. can imperfect. ii. artemis drew silver bow hollow her cheek. no one moves heel movement be. owl blazes through empty form. draws callow form golden dies prism rain. 83955 re on mt parnassus annmarie eldon i. there we stood blind and whole grasped a blanch fell mount took chair lift up to ski black diamond. you were artemis. that vacuole drains leaves bareness i conceived muse lightening turned in ate itself consider an anachronistic use of the word oracle . check yourself out mirror floating. follow leader manner chaperon. this place is desolate namgyal. east wind not top west field wheat mangled bicycle. solus could endure robs chickens their heads as they run frantic circles. rise afterlife. nucleus afterlife only am trying coin yet always turn worm at end mid sentence. want heave you. must attempt make account how space grows vast without because chairlift has stopped air are growing dark. love remember however imperfect my memory. aeolian harp twangs boreal sweetens not. what if memory bare leaping hopes have been when invaded brain huntress. romantic. can imperfect. ii. artemis drew silver bow hollow her cheek. no one moves heel movement be. owl blazes through empty form. draws callow form golden dies prism rain. 83956 re saab story hannah ash-- unfortunately you seem to have started writing well. i'm sure you'll falter eventually and i'll be here shove sharp sticks in your eyes or whatever.... -h p.s. does this mean we're all over the block-is-full-of-sharks-and-block-critiques-are-a-hazing-ritual thing 'cause i was sort of digging that shark-suit. we had big wooden paddles everything. p.p.s. next week so maybe get email me tell where you're subbing who reading yes pretty poem yanked-off last night for instance would do very well a journal. can talk when are going give some more those ass-whipping crits used love much ones made construct voodoo dolls with name on them but never courage stick pins lol point out areas felt least of. appreciate no matter how soft hard . attend feel figure what piece shite wants be. best ash funkyone bad 83958 re d c hannah jables- hmm. there is a harshness here which suspended between the opening image and lightness of final this i think little hard to gauge as reader. swear read four times before realized that narrator s response cat empty bowl open door let out then one caught in dreaming takes on completely different inference. it symbolic own loss lot other language builds back into after all well uncovered round song hungry again its too. like ability few ways so introduction another layer predation death life hope escape...works for me. you did very careful job using reflects womb balancing keen edge outright bitterness sarcasm more mannered observations. me only real problem was said earlier figuring what narrative tone establishing state-of-mind yet much poem depends . assume rather difficult subject from create but thought handled fairly well. -h 83960 re on mt parnassus hannah asher- there you go. i. we stood blind and whole grasped a blanch fell from mount took chair lift up to ski the black diamond. were artemis. that vacuole drains leaves bareness . i conceived muse light e ning turned in ate itself consider an anachronistic use of word oracle check yourself out mirror floating follow leader manner chaperon. this place is desolate namgyal. east wind not top west field wheat mangled bicycle. solus could endure robs chickens their heads as they run frantic circles. rise afterlife. nucleus afterlife only am trying coin yet always turn worm at end mid sentence. want heave you. must attempt make account how space grows vast without because chairlift has stopped air are growing dark. love remember however imperfect my memory. aeolian harp twangs boreal sweetens it not. what if memory bare leaping hopes have been when invaded brain huntress. romantic. can imperfect. ii. artemis drew silver bow hollow her cheek. no one moves heel movement be. owl blazes through empty form. draws callow form golden dies prism rain. before absolute fit yes killed most didactic portions poem. know don t especially trust your readers but suppose think something like declaration either works poem evident or doesn t. here suggests lot more already than sort active replaying line about wanting being unable idea grown within having its own oracular privileges .this just seems interesting me repeated cut lot. know. argue later. else did do ll complain about. ah. ve fallen way back skiers literally coming down mountain then riding literal fall grace signal division may work intended would be with delphi m sure. so yeah. k. need go wash hair. -hannah p.s. liked spacings don't worry...they vanished post. 83961 re rock challenge when i opened the envelope laurel you're a prof where do you teach if don't mind my asking i'd toyed with idea of getting an ma in english like mfa creative writing and am still toying mlis...sigh but i'm not confident enough to stand up front group kids pretend know answers everything. guess too stupid selfish be good teacher. gosh had some great profs college really teachers all through education which is why suppose idea. felt should give back something. said much dumb pull it off. smile o'brien. oh my. he's one favorite writers this short stories. ever read lake woods not....jesus do. what hell damned book that is. whenver begin think it's russian roulette scene from deer hunter....i can't get out system for days afterwards. funny say poem's derivative---which frankly work guilty of---since didn't have copy story me wrote was working memory. hannah wonder direct quotes would've made poem stronger. as gap-toothed yikes. goes way back. wow. only handful publishing creds happens very first. so how'd go over your class listing things they carried bothered recall correctly quite few classmates. remember first time story. just flatout loved it. whole excellent. ended complete mess senior thesis poorly executed attempt at metacriticism used o'brien its focus. wish been able off better paper. gee. talk school makes almost miss oughta ass apply grad somewhere on thanks crit. strange. taught last night comp ii. add weights weight dead human body probably knew . anyhoo nice completely sold it---but almost. might lean little heavily o'brien's own words. gum part reminded spacing teeth once gumball poetry though now. iffy this. ash 83962 re cherchez le chapeau merci beaucoup mes amis laurel for commenting. and hannah yeah i hear you. that's where the poem originally ended before started adding crap on. good eye. or um bonne l'oeil. 83963 re at rudy's place geoff for david halitsky. i see the prose police have raided again. to fiddle popeyed with our formatting. drat here when voices object that a subject is not poetic enough their real nostalgia nothing more serious than laughing lyrics and inspiring odes first daffodil. best of strength them things happen might never in business where everyone wants make it but seldom does. far from lie on my side bed single furnishing this rented room throughout hackensack fifties cream bebop jazz was recorded preserved wondering world. some finest proofs shortlived form miles his incomparable quartet two sonnies brothers john thelonius taxied same cab across washington bridge hotly discussing starvation contracts prestige label. county seat bergen one smallest counties states within van gelder household student son converted studio flock distant black men working cash down no royalties barged into lily white neighborhood causing neighbors start sweating. after three hours taxi carried back lordly hudson 52d street connections leaving wonderful treasury tape saints sinners alike. soon they would all be passe unemployed unrecorded. end life beginning survival. . leone 83964 re at rudy's place david halitsky landsakes geoff you write see here when voices object that a subject is not poetic enough their real nostalgia for nothing more serious than laughing lyrics and inspiring odes to the first daffodil. best of strength them who hey said anything about it's great theme now poem it regards dave 83965 re dull geoff re. for david halitsky. not amused. it amazes me that these three stanzas appear in the same piece. first would pass without notice as a remark conversation. yes speaker sounds mean spirited don't he second with its manipulative really like belongs another what on earth is this or any other larry doing here third alas out of focus within itself and might anything. my bum knee says try again. best when i was young hated all things indian hindu because girl tenth grade english class could speak french fluently seemed to know bhagavad-gita later did spend two years driving cab new york city never once saw at belmore cafeteria sitting book while rest us played gin. but whenever much now walk outside into dawn around house hard-up against pasture bordering subdivision one cow always looks just me. 83966 re dull david halitsky would you like a clue seriously i'll give one. best regards dave 83968 re a love poem geoff for asher. calling takes lot of guts these days. and follow your intestines said the guru . broad menu mythological figures calls up britishism to smell lamp. this wants all world seem piece written by one sophomore other sophomores. yes i left house without my mythology text drat read it through with eyes become little glazed is learn naught new about than knew very before reading. best on mount parnassus we took chair lift ski black diamond. you were artemis perhaps. that vacuole drains leaves bareness conceived muse lightening turned in ate itself consider anachronistic use word oracle. check yourself out mirror floating. leader manner chaperon. place desolate namgyal. solus could not endure robs chickens their heads as they run frantic circles. rise afterlife. nucleus afterlife only am trying coin this...and yet. always turn worm at end mid sentence. want heave you. yet must attempt make an account how space grows vast oracle because chairlift has stopped air are growing dark sun. remember however imperfect memory. what if memory bare leaping hopes have been when invaded me-- huntress. romantic. can imperfect. 83969 re saab story geoff re. for bowen. do you need more help than the average mendicant here this is a whirligig that orders us to make sense of it. series trailers film noir have no responsibility resemble real films 80 90 minutes. i don't get but most are better... best it's in comfortable dark her hand snakes and yanks keys from ignition. everything stops. he wants leave ditch stops him--good samaritan already dialing tow. saab's cross hair headlights she slings weeds where we watching surely rehearsal murder. our angle his could be knife heart gun. projector jerks knocks like shot lifter. lights flash on their faces hillbilly cops straight out celluloid swaggering into still steamy post-rain road. idling helpfully by center line set stunning close-ups. makes move quick cop all stars come denouement. loss again too unknown survive fade-away credit. 83970 re only fools take accordion geoff re. for david halitsky. a proverb says punctuality is the courtesy of kings. i wish there was an even more sonorous one about poems making sense. this fails that. piece may go out its way to frustrate reader's wishes. three-daughtered king and menage quatre will do. second on page from source that has dispensed itself best since our three-personned god lately sworn off all menages my bank-account not permit me play tom o bedlam in homeless streets some who once president haverford walmart once-a-week watch holy ones as they music can hear their accordions shopping-carts - you do what 83971 re saab story bowen for geoff thanks the read and crit. yes trailers are much better. ash re. bowen. do you need more help than average mendicant here this is a whirligig that orders us to make sense of it. series film noir have no responsibility resemble real films 80 90 minutes. i don't get but most better... best 83972 re d c geoff re. c. for jables. in a dream i see this as lyric outside the well is uncovered and birds have gathered. it's round song they're singing on lip of stone loop that lines way to water. cat hungry again. open door scatter but one caught dreaming. sometime great notion 83973 the fridge asher last post for a while. my apologies flooding board. next week critiques...i promise. lettuce eaten before it is taken out of sort prepersonal or trans personal experience one grafted onto walls kitchen perennial wall. to create cartography i opened fridge. this mere processing cognitive information does not correspond with consciousness since there wide documentation episodes perception learning elaboration and skillful motor execution without awareness. every page his journal says... need in an oak table veritable stronghold that keeps moored. at table--the green repose. lush tongue. forgery yet clatter ice china tea poured bone churning gut father's gut--coincidental. permit fresh tasting cuticle so likeness romaine on tip are desire. they mooring live inside walls-- tachycardia. elephants lions zebras giraffes zoodles animal noodles. know bitter aftertaste...but sweet. desire tongue pleasure ineffable tasting. moored seams. other bodies walls. am moving into space mus ic crows veer wings back cocreation another body make mind sound om moors simply pater. voice moves vacuum. shut. no shapes emerge from sounds. auditory erect. ears helm. swollen table. he can hear touch. moral audacity building house. night german shepard bit him dream. even doubt reality sense perception. plato's spectral plotinus's ever present something. you will find reliability logic. 83974 re the fridge asher lettuce eaten before it is taken out of a sort prepersonal or trans personal experience one grafted onto walls kitchen-- perennial wall. to create cartography i opened fridge. this kitchen every page his journal says... there need for in an oak table veritable stronghold they say keeps moored. at table--the green repose. lush tongue. forgery not yet clatter ice china tea poured bone churning gut father's gut--coincidental. permit fresh tasting cuticle so and likeness romaine on tip are desire. mooring live inside walls-- tachycardia. elephants lions zebras giraffes zoodles animal noodles. know bitter aftertaste...but sweet now desire tongue pleasure ineffable tasting. moored seams. other bodies walls. am moving into space mus ic crows veer wings back table--cocreation another body make mind sound om that moors simply pater. voice moves vacuum. shut. no shapes emerge from sounds. auditory erect. ears helm. swollen table. he can hear touch. moral audacity building house. you will find doubt reliability logic. 83975 re at rudy's place bowen it's not the subject that isn't poetic writing poetic. prose prose. one of best poems i've read recently was about a bus ride and toilet overflowing. for david halitsky. i see police have raided again. to fiddle popeyed with our formatting. drat here when voices object is enough their real nostalgia nothing more serious than laughing lyrics inspiring odes first daffodil. strength them geoff 83976 re a love poem asher hannah-thanks am--not sure what means but nonetheless much thanks for reading. geoff--this does not proport to give new idea on is. it simply states in its argument that there is meaning remembering after the romantic notions mythical have been extracted--and all expectations of person as mythological figure perhaps. i no anyone can write an original poem...i little faith from any classical standpoint great act remembrance recording--archiving. dunno. reading and commenting. mount parnassus we took chair lift up ski black diamond. you were artemis vacuole drains leaves bareness conceived muse lightening turned ate itself consider anachronistic use word oracle. check yourself out mirror floating. follow leader manner chaperon. this place desolate namgyal. solus could endure robs chickens their heads they run frantic circles. rise afterlife. nucleus afterlife only am trying coin this...and yet. always turn worm at end mid sentence. want heave you. yet must attempt make account how space grows vast without oracle because chairlift has stopped air are growing dark sun. remember however imperfect my memory. if memory bare leaping hopes when invaded me-- huntress. romantic. imperfect. 83977 re who's valty walter goest well then - i just put a new one out about the accordion and no else is really crittin it anyway so let's see what ya got. dave believe me crocket betty you dont wanna got 83978 re only fools take accordion david halitsky hey - its clueless at fairly ridiculous like i said before i'll give you a clue on this one too ... dave 83979 re who's valty walter goest you dont wanna see what i got but here's anyway since then well -- damn better get the 'then' right wussie cat didn't mean 101 trombones take too many liberties with reader ie assume your web of learned allusions ref. is enough to carry a poem home not if central image though faulty tower yours sincerely l. skinnard ps these comments are for taking or leaving wachoo kiss my brass ass 83980 re who's valty david halitsky faulty tower or - tell me if you did mean are channeling john cleese i that would be way cool to know. best regards 83982 finding sunday mass slosh so quiet here-- only the hum of my tower its two small fans wheeling behind their pretty red pink orange and blue lights. i see for space between this link rest world earth core that keeps me grounded in own skin being higher is sun filters every message as they dart through ether. balm out spite malice. look at lights though glass window to hard wires note there more dust house than realized. 83984 re rock challenge 2nd attempt sometimes a sym slosh sorry this one had my teeth chattering all the way through symbol is what it found at water s edge. deposited. as if ocean coughed up for me. small and round white like milky piece of light. moon fallen from sky night you died shattered upon beach. i didn t know where to put rock. grief made tangible . how could be so tiny soft hold in hand unformed fetus. stone baby that rattled inside me long. cord strangling. zombie refusing born. live. tucked pocket. but pebble molar-sized niggled tooth loosened root. not vomited. fragmented. tossed toward horizon. then your ashes. besides think word against release end reads totally intended -- 83985 re dull sherry dear david don't title your poem grin inlines when i was young hated all things indian and hindu because a girl in tenth grade english class could speak fluent french seemed to know what the bhagavad-gita was. i'm sorry those line breaks were calling out me. ignore me i'll understand. later really did spend two years driving cab new york city never once saw larry at belmore cafeteria sitting with book while rest of us played gin. this phrase is incomplete. but whenever much now does mean maybe leave whenever. walk outside into dawn around my house hard-up against pasture bordering subdivision. one cow always looks just enjoyed hook end. think it needs be repeated. will stronger said only once. s. 83986 re climbing to redemption -- revised ctg spike the punch christopher- this is an instance where poet should go with his instincts remain as written. its style descriptive but it's a that works well here. i enjoyed climb you and felt same sort of pantheism feel when read gary snyder's poetry. there spiritual side poem perhaps has eluded other readers thus far i've found in details themselves. only change i'd make remove 'to' from title-- think idea being relationship on mountain- wonderful one indeed. stp stacy ninja-climb hoary gnarled redwood ribbed ancient bark ascend tenth mile green sorrel forest floor entr wilderness flourished here two millennia she gathered harbored pixie lichens leather-leaf ferns reindeer moss. flying squirrels squeak past me cinch my lanyard check blake's hitch. breathe breathes she's holding our lives limbo. switches her silver miner's lamp study some huckleberries record blood red fruit digital camera. further redemption's canopy seek sun crown hang free motion pass orange hollows caves held fire long ago blows kiss mouths love explorer redemption. christopher t. george 83987 re dull david halitsky sherry - thanks very much for taking the time to post piece. if you liked even aspects of it i will be happy one piece information which provides key this is actually contained not only in a 1984 movie but also original 1946 version. so obscure sense being learned or scholarly. again replying. best regards 83988 dull strict 8 7-syll met rev david halitsky revision when i was young hated all 7 things indian and hindu just because a girl in tenth grade english class conversed french with ease seemed to know what the bhagavad-gita was. same as really did spend two years driving cab down new york avenues never once saw larry at belmore eating lunch there shloka book hand while we played gin. but whenever much later now walk into dawn around this house hard-up against pasture which still borders on subdivision one cow always looks me. 83989 re who's valty faulty tower or - tell me if you did mean are channeling john cleese how'd know basil o i that would be way cool to know. also happen look like him flowers best regards david halitsky 83990 re dull strict 8 7-syll met rev asher hi david-- good to see you around here. i'm not quite sure the premise of this poem is strong enough. narrator hates hindus and finally comes some realization upon meeting glance a cow what's with 8-7-8 thing why it important for reader know that are following structure make explicit in other words how does comment on expand eddify theme strophe 2 seems me be most interesting would place begin poem. fact whole spelled out i have same trouble these days makes read like straightforward narrative where as critic noted everything front there nothing back. dunno. perhaps others will enjoy it. don't somehow cause turn narrator's mind. cow...there within body builds up hints at simply supposed swallow its message which begs question did he she hate first place. because never saw just questio ask through necessarily one need clarified point do we an allusions evolution from hating cows best ag revision when was young hated all 7 things indian hindu girl tenth grade english class conversed french ease seemed what bhagavad-gita was. really spend two years driving cab down new york avenues once larry belmore eating lunch shloka book hand while played gin. but whenever much later now walk into dawn house hard-up against pasture still borders subdivision always looks me. 83991 re finding sunday mass asher this seems like the beginning of a poem but unrealized imho. it may be stronger without i as works in different fashion--linking up images rather than narrative. to work both narrative and part isn't quite working. language is mostly uninteresting doesn't give me any impetus unravel what title denotes etc. sorry can't offer sort positive feedback. have no clue writer hinting at by repetition pretty if meant ironic so don't understand tone well which not disconcerting my lack interest. quiet here-- only hum tower its two small fans wheeling behind their red pink orange blue lights. see for space between link rest world earth core that keeps grounded own skin being higher sun filters every message they dart through ether. balm out spite malice. look lights though glass window hard wires note there more dust house realized. 83992 re rock challenge 2nd attempt sometimes a sym asher hi laurel-- i generally like poems that are conscious of their artificial construction and allude it at points. but you've made so explicit in your title the begs to be either inserted as line poem or deleted rethought all together. for most part this isn't working me which could have do with fact it's four morning can't sleep. punctuation l1-2 jarring unprecedented. instance why need period after edge deposited. theme depositing is overly vomit section think i've been doing same late especially word - polysyndeton rep three 6-to around 17 border on bathetic tone diction. becomes interesting tooth found redeemed whole piece. couplet. everything else far below standard imho. i'm tyrant today you should probably simply ignore me. love ag symbol what water s edge. if ocean had coughed up small round white milky piece light. moon fallen from sky night died shattered upon beach. didn t know where put rock. my grief tangible .how tiny soft how hold hand unformed fetus. stone baby rattled inside long. cord strangling. zombie refusing born. live. tucked pocket. pebble molar-sized niggled loosened root. not vomited. fragmented. tossed toward horizon. then ashes. 83993 re d c asher hi enjoyed this. comments to follow. in general i thought the poem could use space more wisely...it reads like it needs some not necessarily a strophe break. and emphasis on detail...i understand that lack of detail may reflect narrator's state mind but becomes boring when birds are named--and seems make whole reach for symbolic rather than working hard literal as well level. you know what would consider starting this on. love tone so can be good something. please don't lose creates most energy me. reason why i've inverted these two strophes is part because one caught dreaming weak ending doesn't me want further multi levelled reading--which asks reader. now if considered inversion lines way water sound too redemptive justify defeated your critics noted. repeating other line. dunno. just fooling around with it. ag cat hungry again its bowl empty . open door scatter dreaming. they've scraped clean something again. outside uncovered have gathered. it's they're singing round song lip stone loop water. 83994 re at rudy's place asher hey geoff--this is prose pretty much which doesn't mean that you can't add a layered subtext and make it an interesting narrative poem. some of the language in here cool i would consider adding layer subtext. but assuredly prose. best ag . things happen might never business where everyone wants to seldom does. not far from lie on my side bed single furnishing this rented room throughout hackensack fifties cream bebop jazz was recorded preserved for wondering world. finest proofs shortlived form miles his incomparable quartet two sonnies brothers john thelonius taxied same cab across washington bridge hotly discussing starvation contracts with prestige label. county seat bergen one smallest counties states within van gelder household student son converted studio flock distant black men working cash down no royalties barged into lily white neighborhood causing neighbors start sweating. after three hours taxi carried them back lordly hudson 52d street their connections leaving wonderful treasury tape saints sinners alike. soon they all be passe unemployed unrecorded. end life beginning survival. geoff leone 83995 re saab story asher hi i won't add much more then your other critics and readers. liked this up to the end of strophe 2. 3 people have commented on think. do like how that quickens in pace but you could probably with less verbosity. ending needs a bit punch or pinch me. thanks for posting though. ag note frantic plea help it's comfortable dark her hand snakes yanks keys from ignition. everything stops. he wants leave ditch stops him--good samaritan already dialing tow. saab's cross hair headlights she slings weeds where we are watching surely rehearsal murder. our angle his be knife heart gun. here projector jerks knocks shot lifter. lights flash their faces hillbilly cops straight out celluloid swaggering into still steamy post-rain road. idling helpfully by center line set stunning close-ups. makes move quick cop all stars come denouement. loss again too unknown survive fade-away credit. 83996 the fridge asher lettuce eaten before it is taken out of a sort prepersonal or trans personal experience one grafted onto walls kitchen-- perennial walls. to create cartography i opened fridge. this kitchen each page his journal says... there need for in an oak table veritable stronghold they say keeps moored. at table--a green repose. lush tongue. forgery not yet perhaps. clatter ice china tea poured bone churning gut father's gut--coincidental. permit fresh tasting cuticle so and likeness romaine on tip are desire. mooring live inside walls-- tachycardia. know bitter aftertaste...but sweet now desire tongue pleasure ineffable tasting. moored seams. other bodies move into space mus ic crows veer wings back table--cocreation meeting hand basket leechies. peeling skin. another body make mind sound om that could moor simply pater. voice moves vacuum. shut. no shapes emerge from sounds. auditory erect. ears helm. swollen table. he can hear touch. moral audacity building house. veined sheets. 83998 after the riots curfew revised sachi curfews run on incandescent tyres but this one here runs bare feet. you can hear it pounding in her chest nine-year-old twin-plaited raped and gagged darkness she hopes never ever yields. under window where army marched with flags footprints stand up like islands. last night s blood stir inside cavities puss well formed lesions t even squeeze out. though doors are shut breaks dust speckled fractured light when fades windows peal. splintered eyes follow course. dogs beg for a break. rush news bread around clots over hair through brine whisper. incense from dargah hide smells. ganga hydrant is course slave of metrical screws dub goes. no has turned wash. not all scores had time to settle. sharp cries shoot swords breast available holes see pigeons sparrows hungering ledge grasps steel railings feels cold there something at hold until wheels rolls. dressed shadow. hush. cracks meet ears enclose burning tires shine stars blue skies. 83999 re finding sunday mass slosh well it was good of you to make a note anyhoo there are days when i have hit that post key and feel the need fill white box with words relate nothing in particular everything about place is pretty except for window into my computers guts. as keys know new mote dust appears m amazed at amount crits had done accumulate fuzzball just ready slip off wide powered bridge its always better write badly than not all don told me that--so did felt elated forgot until now. this has given great excuse add more --just me-- sometimes we be selfish doing so. seems like beginning poem but unrealized imho. may stronger without works different fashion--linking up images rather narrative. work both narrative part isn't quite working. language mostly uninteresting doesn't give any impetus unravel what title denotes etc. sorry can't offer sort positive feedback. no clue writer hinting by repetition if meant ironic so don't understand tone which disconcerting lack interest. quiet here-- only hum tower 84000 re dull strict 8 7-syll met rev david halitsky asher - thanks for taking the time to comment. would you have same reaction piece if city in s2 had been seattle instead of ny and guy's name harry larry best regards dave 84001 last call for ibpc nominations michael mv over p n thanks and a good sunday week to every one 84002 re after the riots curfew revised sherry sunday morning just reading and enjoying no crits. good rewrite. s. curfews run on incandescent tyres but this one here runs bare feet. you can hear it pounding in her chest nine-year-old twin-plaited raped gagged darkness she hopes never ever yields. under window where army marched with flags footprints stand up like islands. last night s blood stir inside cavities puss well formed lesions t even squeeze out. though doors are shut breaks dust speckled fractured light when fades windows peal. splintered eyes follow course. dogs beg for a break. rush news bread around clots over hair through brine whisper. incense from dargah hide smells. ganga hydrant is course slave of metrical screws dub goes. has turned wash. not all scores had time to settle. sharp cries shoot swords breast available holes see pigeons sparrows hungering ledge grasps steel railings feels cold there something at hold until wheels rolls. dressed shadow. hush. cracks meet ears enclose burning tires shine stars blue skies. 84003 re rock challenge 2nd attempt sometimes a sym laurel ouch. far below my standard guess i asked for that. just told hannah yesterday was posting filler. when one posts filler folks are gonna step up to bat and call it so i'm at strike 2 on this challenge. think i'll sit out next bat. overpunctuated perioded the whole damned thing because that's how heard in head. it's wanted read. sigh. oh my. gotta stop post. keep saying want people tell me truth then they do get all bummed out. am thankful though that you said what here. maybe it'll prevent from being anxious post goddamned time. thanks man. yeah stings. but ain't like had deluded myself into thinking some great piece of literature. must be day. getting doses over place. makes wonder hell doing with writing. why writing write what's point any you're lately your poetics. enjoyed love poem fridge alot. go exercise try cheer up. hi laurel-- generally poems conscious their artificial construction allude points. you've made explicit title begs either inserted as line or deleted rethought together. most part isn't working which could have fact four morning can't sleep. punctuation l1-2 jarring unprecedented. instance need period after edge deposited. theme depositing is overly vomit section i've been same late especially word - polysyndeton rep three 6-to around 17 border bathetic tone diction. becomes interesting tooth found redeemed piece. couplet. everything else imho. tyrant today should probably simply ignore me. ag symbol 84004 re rock challenge 2nd attempt sometimes a sym laurel had 2 alternate endings both of which i ditched. guess opted for the wrong one eh but then to post poem and that seems have been option too. smile hey sorry your teeth chattering. wasn't my intention any more than ending was. thanks crit. this chattering all way through besides think word tossed as against release end reads totally not you intended -- 84006 re only fools take accordion annmarie eldon hell's bells keep the donne and make a feature of them little marks since our three-person ne ' d god has lately sworn off all m e nages quatre my bank-account will not permit me to play tom o bedlam in homeless streets for some three-daughtered king who once was president haverford i go walmart once-a-week watch holy ones as they music can hear on their accordions f shopping-carts - you do what do. 84007 re after the riots curfew revised annmarie eldon this is so good but it needs a tidy curfews run on incandescent tyres one here runs bare feet. you can hear pounding in her chest nine-year-old twin-plaited raped and gagged darkness she hopes never ever yields. under window where army marched with flags footprints stand up like as islands. last night s blood stir inside cavities puss well formed lesions t even squeeze out. though doors are shut breaks dust speckled fractured light when fades windows peal. splintered eyes follow c o urse. dogs beg for break. rush news bread around clots over hair through brine whisper. incense from dargah can't hide smells. ganga hydrant course slave of metrical screws dub goes. no has turned wash. not all scores had time to settle. sharp cries shoot swords breast available holes see pigeons sparrows hungering ledge . he grasps steel railings feels cold th h ere something at hold until wheels rolls. dressed shadow. hush. cracks meet ears enclose burning tires shine stars blue skies. 84008 re only fools take accordion david halitsky geoff - there is one possibly obscure reference in here which the about president of haverford. and even this would not be to anyone who lived thru period social consciousness say 1960 1980. regards 84009 re only fools take accordion david halitsky yeah - ain't it terrible the kind off stuff you gotta accept here unless some ad homs or pitches hate best regards 84010 re saab story bowen asher as always thanks for reading and commenting. muchly appreciated. this one's a beast. it's cautionary tale to all writers about the dangers of getting up answer phone in middle burst creative energy. i wrote first strophe got came back. then it was gone. poem is making me suffer one poet called not accepting muse's gift. that's little touchy-feely-romantic but you know what mean. again. a. hi won't add much more your other critics readers. liked end 2. 3 people have commented on think. do like how that quickens pace could probably with less verbosity. ending needs bit punch or pinch me. posting though. ag note frantic plea help 84011 re dull strict 8 7-syll met rev fred longworth revision when i was young hated all 7 things indian and hindu just because a girl in tenth grade english class conversed french with ease seemed to know what the bhagavad-gita was. same as really did spend two years driving cab down new york avenues never once saw larry at belmore eating lunch there shloka book hand while we played gin. but whenever much later now walk into dawn around this house hard-up against pasture which still borders on subdivision one cow always looks me. is primarily journey through clashing iconographies of american cultures. have no problem part it. enjoyed. do understand why you've included syllabic intros any final text these should be deleted they will irritate editors. for workshopping purposes you might say prefacing line that each stanza follows syllabics. some ask let reader figure it out from experience can many readers fv forums consider language stilted unduly high-sounding actually merely obeying constraints form. s3l1 needs reworking. five words not happening visuals whole thing could shortened leaving room richer syllables. best 84012 re rock challenge 2nd attempt sometimes a sym asher keep at it that's vat i telling myself. seems like chiseling stone...and also throw up pieces way before they're ready cause helps me so completely understand the impetus 9 who cares...keep throwing them and moving...and you are moving thinks. ag ouch. far below my standard guess asked for that. just told hannah yesterday was posting filler. when one posts filler folks gonna step to bat call i'm strike 2 on this challenge. think i'll sit out next bat. overpunctuated perioded whole damned thing because how heard in head. it's wanted read. sigh. oh my. gotta stop post. saying want people tell truth then they do get all bummed out. am thankful though that said what here. maybe it'll prevent from being anxious post goddamned time. thanks man. yeah stings. but ain't had deluded myself into thinking some great piece of literature. must be day. getting doses over place. makes wonder hell doing with writing. why writing write what's point any you're lately your poetics. enjoyed love poem fridge alot. go exercise try cheer up. laurel 84013 re dull strict 8 7-syll met rev david halitsky fred longworth - thank you very much for the serious crit hard to get here. yeah s3l1 has gotta go i personally love it but objectively you're correct. most importantly there is a story-within-a-story in this piece i.e. what's called roman clef prose story with key . not personal one which available those familiar american movies as well english literature. who cares what if noone can react at face-value. now say that an experienced critter was able form reaction when taking face-value so am grateful took time did. best regards 84014 re finding sunday mass asher hey slosh. yeah i know that feeling the need to hit post key. do it all time. and elation...it helps get poems moving think. which is why think would be cool have a rough draft posting room...and trace progress lack of on one piece...but what hell shouldn't complain. danks for i'm trying my job follow ben franklins as model honestyyy...but come across serious at times. good un. ag well was you make note anyhoo there are days when key feel fill white box with words relate nothing in particular everything about place pretty except window into computers guts. keys new mote dust appears m amazed amount crits had done accumulate fuzzball just ready slip off wide powered bridge its always better write badly than not don told me that--so did felt elated forgot until now. this has given great excuse add more --just me-- sometimes we selfish doing so. seems like beginning poem but 84016 re after the riots curfew revised bowen this is really close to being done. i like this. think it loses some of its push around rush strophe but nothing fatal don't think. a few technical things puss for pus unless you meant . little trimming in places might be order one clase. best a. curfews run on incandescent tyres here runs bare feet. can hear pounding her chest nine-year-old twin-plaited raped and gagged darkness she hopes never ever yields. under window where army marched with flags footprints stand up islands. last night s blood stir inside cavities well formed lesions t even squeeze out. though doors are shut breaks dust speckled fractured light when fades windows peal. splintered eyes follow course. dogs beg break. news bread clots over hair through brine whisper. incense from dargah hide smells. ganga hydrant course slave metrical screws dub goes. no has turned wash. not all scores had time settle. sharp cries shoot swords breast available holes see pigeons sparrows hungering ledge grasps steel railings feels cold there something at hold until wheels rolls. dressed shadow. hush. cracks meet ears enclose burning tires shine stars blue skies. 84017 re dog david halitsky bowen - her harness blowing in the breeze she made by jumping between seats. that's only false note this to my ear head. image is unnecessarily far-fetched something having do with billowing as jumped would be better. title really rotten enough for black-hearted piece good riddance 84018 re dull strict 8 7-syll met rev geoff re. dull. for david halitsky. this has jogged around the block a while ain't it however is taking more form and making sense. whether was worth all trouble another matter. numbering syllables daft but already been commented on above. does stanza two have place in why introduce larry who indeed no part this. not louella parsons nor am i convinced that pastured cow three proves hindu reference closes piece. doesn't. note. confusion of subcontinental indian which includes pakistani bangla deshi by now american will always be thanks to chris columbus headache writers. so here. best when young hated things just because girl tenth grade english class conversed french with ease seemed know what bhagavad-gita was. same as really did spend years driving cab down new york avenues never once saw at belmore eating lunch there shloka book hand we played gin. whenever much later walk into dawn house hard-up against pasture still borders subdivision one looks me. 84019 re dog bowen dave thanks for the read and comments but i have to admit always run cover when someone--anyone--tells me there is only one false note in of my poems. it's like calm before firestorm. again. a. - her harness blowing breeze she made by jumping between seats. that's this ear head. image unnecessarily far-fetched something having do with billowing as jumped would be better. title really rotten enough black-hearted piece good riddance david halitsky 84020 re unbridled river yoly hannah- smile i won't kick. do appreciate your ever present candor. it's why work workshoppes. telly isn't most everyone's cup of tea know it. days prefer to be shown as well. it helps what you and others think. peace yoly- hmm. oh are going want kick me in the shins. way too for me. story gets poetry especially characters tend rendered via telling mechanisms rather than showing ones. nothing wraps back into chronology poem instance line about indigos greens mating is its relevance does need might change if did respond some there grammar syntax punctuation issues zora breaks song she remembers one cheerios circles . line-breaks at inopportune moments. lines just flat-out didn t get we excavate labyrinth spine so on on. has that sort ya-ya sisterhood thing which granted don usually but even trying around my prejudices color this piece subdued too. kept waiting threads reconcile themselves although maybe s point suppose open-endedness fact restorative day rest little really alter or resolve anything end only been improved faces past tense s1 all through remainder though time passing continually sorry missed plain-old ignored something blatant. -hannah 84021 re unbridled river yoly hi te thank you for stopping in. i don't believe i've read claudia rankin but will check her out at the library. thanks tip. appreciate your viewpoint as admire work. peace have work reminds me of hers she has several wonderful books out. least one on my shelf need to read. anyway tend want this in more prose format. don t like stanzas. mind telly if let story and can do that poetry. does it damn well. is two cents. 84022 re unbridled river yoly hi sherry- you know i didn't set out to write about sisterhood it just happened. did consider making the start where suggested. let's see what happens if decide give this another whirl. my fav character is one mentioned. thank for tuning in on this. always advice receive because well doesn't hurt try all. and like some of your ideas. thanks reading. peace there ah sisterhood. having grown up with 5 sisters have had men friends. l reason don't poem beginning names women but since are not sally bev ann they kinda do need be recognized right off bat as women's names. sound first line quite nice too. think would stronger second staza. we settle near a red-stone bridge... that way reader feel so left out. how defined each character. gripes seem bit shallow cliche though develop characters more surprise us shock let them speak from even deeper parts their souls. then again certainly understand life becomes frustrating sometimes only thing go spa grin really enjoyed lady who has ass assistants i'd drop parenthetical remark. never use parentheses poetry unless it's very strong statement or successful trick. tense needs checked. end lines preposition. no no. shaking finger at complete thoughts without breaking. inlines pilar zora kennedy last fun here an example letting thoughts. bridge horizon sedona. indigo greens mate river. runes form massages facials integrate. establish setting sans stanza currents feelings juxtaposed surface treatments face . favorite ivy school flow applied spikes air mommy-hood occupation she's to. whiskey keep her career braces. perfect verb breaks effectively perhaps can't whom she despises husband herself settling fourth-- his profession mistress kids love-- pecking order. break after song. watch those buts. cheerio-circles tender deep soul subtle it. into remembering wrote loss returns observation deck makes belly. bring eyelash down rest menu. confusing. understand. i'm careful...should move previous stanza. should also cleared poem. get rid semi-colon. tad confusing coming who's patting pores vows. take ing improving. love idea faces improved. spirits lifted least outside. sorry put own italics done. won't bothers you. stanzas unified can t moment definitely works me. best s. 84023 re unbridled river yoly hi dave- thank you for dropping by and staying long enough to leave me your comments. input was duly noted. peace - if the voice diction in this were a little less self-consciously arch it might be perfect example of what i call newyorkerbanaldetails signifying absolutely nothing. on other hand give benefit doubt feel compelled say that maybe that's are trying do with collection meaningless details. except case then drop sisterhood stuff first names. because you're connote emptiness relations among women work against purpose here. regards dave 84024 re unbridled river yoly chris- thank you so very much. i appreciate your kind words. peace ps like the sex in city reference...um hi sounds and sedona-style. nicely visualized throughout enjoy repartee of these four friends. chosen names pilar zora kennedy good imagery starting with grainy spirits following right through wit candor. nice work yoly. all my best chris 84025 re dull strict 8 7-syll met rev david halitsky geoff - fred longworth's response in this thread indicates that the poem may work when taken simply at face value without any deeper understanding of subtext. by here i mean for some to extent . because he indicated does him face-value replied concerning nature please believe me subtext involves larry his location and occupation all are critical piece intimately connected with s1 s3. best regards 84026 rock challenge annmarie eldon this was over at p n but needs some work through schist to fist damn stood on firm ground yet i did not know where place si- mplicity. astounding that out of my mouth should shout many cryptophasic severences about 'distinguished by'... transparent plates fine disseminated scales light and dark micas muscovite biotite right listing like last night a possible domestic across the street. ah getting down base it all lights nothing more complicated than hard presence haema -something taste in love his biting she loathes fears plied uncouth piss-breath. we are frontier here perfect cleavage sheets formerly used as window panes chiefly insulating materials low resistances given black back exotic distraction an extraction zinnwaldite. scabbed by morning no doubt got bargained for massive fell klifeal f 2 oh alsi 3 0 10 analysis side such solid pleasure hers cheek de- hisced due loss iron hospital. 84027 re after the riots curfew revised sachi hi sherry much appreciation for your help earlier. and thanks again stopping by to confirm i was a good student. guess will let it rest while put out in sun perhaps. kind regards sunday morning just reading enjoying no crits. rewrite. s. 84028 re after the riots curfew revised sachi hi annmarie many thanks for close read. it looks sounds much better what you did. i particulary liked way broke some of lines. appreciation and gratitude that. regards this is so good but needs a tidy 84029 re after the riots curfew revised sachi hi bowen thanks for your read. 'puss' indeed it is not. i agree needs to be leaner in places. flattening around rush well picked. need think through that. good insight though. much appreciation indeed. regards. this really close being done. like this. loses some of its push strophe but nothing fatal don't think. a few technical things puss pus unless you meant . little trimming places might order one clase. best a. 84030 re dull strict 8 7-syll met rev sachi dear david i wanted to respond earlier but was on a dialup and the post reposnse page took ages pop. as statement slowness liked it. think s1 is deceptive what you probably mean that hate irrational. nothing do with girl or metaphysics. that's how saw can see thread between s3 sorry s2 repititive. am not sure it adds. intrigued by number of syllables used in whatever actually doesn't say..the narrator expecting larry finding him shloka book.. intriguing obscure..thats area may want focus whenever choose revise. thanks. best regards revision when young hated all 7 things indian hindu just because tenth grade english class conversed french ease seemed know bhagavad-gita was. same really did spend two years driving cab down new york avenues never once at belmore eating lunch there book hand while we played gin. much later now walk into dawn around this house hard-up against pasture which still borders subdivision one cow always looks me. 84031 re the fridge sachi dear asher i think title is compelling. a unique subject. lettuce eaten before it taken out of sort prepersonal or trans personal experience one grafted onto walls kitchen-- perennial walls. as an intext works against flow and splits image. not sure why readed must be guided thus. to create cartography opened fridge. this needs better grammar. perhaps different words. kitchen each page his journal says... there need for in oak table veritable stronghold they say keeps moored. nice voice shift. but who 'they'..how can narrator presume common point refernece--how he she reader will connect at table--a green repose. lush tongue. forgery yet perhaps. clatter ice china tea poured bone churning gut father's gut--coincidental. 'a repose' nice. some sounds too. liked risks you take with china. last line..of gut..not what that how would know permit fresh tasting cuticle so likeness romaine on tip are desire. mooring live inside walls-- tachycardia. many bright spots here. 'cuticle so'..is let down me particularly because raised expectations since we specific about abstract. should after bitter aftertaste...but sweet now desire tongue pleasure ineffable tasting. moored seams. other bodies move into space mus ic crows veer wings back table--cocreation meeting hand basket leechies. peeling skin. another body make mind sound om could moor simply pater. moves vacuum. shut. no shapes emerge from sounds. auditory erect. ears helm. swollen table. hear touch. moral audacity building house. veined sheets. romp though design bettered. single image lasts previous arrange shelving such its easier enter always good read mate. best regards. 84032 a poem from the mountains for laurie gary b beyond where dragons dwell baby plays in dust at edge of village. maid busy with demands lady and her consort notices toddler crawl towards brook too tired to watch village s bastard. stream is thin this year suffocating drought slow trickle like an old man might attempt sour woman offer out pity. some say are angry others that they have left one richer. i pick scarlet lily lone bloom. she struggles place wilted petals hair but hands sweaty heat drops it. there no other laughs offers cricket. later he promises roses drunken moon. hungry babe crawls over home sleeps servant dreamless. pins faded flower side hair. walk down trail search new sandals respite hibiscus gardens roasted crickets 84033 you must hold me in your lap while the news is on. sherry we make a group of two. media moments head into gray and wise hair nest those pestering strands. stab icons i canned sounds escape an embrace no one else understands. re intolerant our love hearts bomb babies others sacrifice own under impact arms whip genitals. young people die especially blonde bourgeois dead-eyed-in-the-camera kids infant ooze rot down to roots fruit. baby m ovulating damaged eggs. 84034 re forgetting how to spell dementia si mon david thanks for pointing out my typo -- must be the early onset of s. simon possible breathes breaths in you have stop breathe even easy lazy word gaping houses disappear into dark. other than that hard find something wrong with this. its sardonic tone is a perfect mask pain brain behind eye which has astutely seen right observational details collect this piece. no slips voice or diction at all. best regards 84035 re forgetting how to spell dementia si mon thanks -- good suggestion. others seem agree with you that the poem's start is a problem. s. nice. keeper though cliches took me second get. suggestion for first line since i thought perrenial was wrong usually it's simple word not an before e stumper february. solid work. jables 84036 re forgetting how to spell dementia si mon sock the head calling me a probably is you -- but that's ok. i will take your suggestion into consideration. always do. thanks it's just after that sock-to-the-head title i'd sure like see this poem begin... breathe even breaths. count doors surround you. are waiting for day get lost on main street. in slacks and button-down shirt. love most. rest pretty good too. s. 84037 re forgetting how to spell dementia si mon well laurel -- i do like lots of your suggestions but think i'll pass on the pants unzipped really am shooting at those earlier stages buttons wrong and take it next level think. as always appreciate good eye i'm with sherry. start poem stop line you have even breath breathes count doors that close around you. yeah changed slightly. what from absolutely terrifying footage i've seen alzheimers patients these losses simplest things a word or remembering phone number child's name are closing. instead repeating lost in lines about having slacks button down shirt buttoned up you're waiting for day get main wrong. easing might not be right best verb. slipping perhaps which would connote slippage memory too. perusing struck me quite either. searching again serve both double meaning find yourself into father s slang icebox tecata bet bottom dollar. final slight changes. life isn t worth plugged nickel now remember nickel. so tattered ticket palookaville. all along route watch houses disappear swallowed by gaping dark. couplets apt this case if only impose an ironic kind tidiness onto then juxtapose nicely disorder memory. phrases make smile no doubt effective leavening agents otherwise very serious poem. balance achieve here jim. is delivered light voice yet subject couldn't any heavier. much enjoyed reading this. 84038 ice storm ryno your struggle is finally over standing with gnarled roots dug into terra. the wounds of mid-winter visible on burnt potato chip bark. branches shattered scattered like pickup stix around trunk . yellow sap oozes from gashes where limbs use to grow. body wet deteriorating capsule life water flows once more in phloem. tons pressing down every surface you now gone. creek and crash frosty december night. ravaged solemnly again. horror a forrester casualties normandy. then i realize some them have fallen quiet death. however stand steadfast swaying gently breeze survivor. by 84039 circumambulate si mon graphite from the pinewood derby sparkles my knuckles. lube is key. i tell son winning isn t everything. what when we lose add less tonic to gin. ghost noodles overcooked. of you. even in nothing lust. horizon begs. ledyard shoes are shop or would walk here yadkin county line spreading mantra discontent happens nothings happening. losing win more gin tonic. moon a sky. you see coming for miles. 84040 re you must hold me in your lap while the news is si mon sherry baby do i know what happening here -- of course not my own poems...of not. does that stop from writing them..no. this enjoying challenge poem...of am with most first half poem. love opening movement and title course. stabbing icons a little less than perfect think. intolerent our part until end have some wonderful lines want to embrace but i'm sure catch drift if drift. whipped genitals made chuckle keep reading it as generals. anger etc. young people die last line doesn't seem work voice. isn't voice still right on target. let's see others say on. we make group two. media moments head into gray wise hair nest those pestering strands. stab canned sounds escape an no one else understands. intolerant hearts bomb babies sacrifice under impact arms whip genitals. especially blonde bourgeois dead-eyed-in-the-camera kids infant ooze rot down roots fruit. m ovulating damaged eggs. 84041 re ice storm si mon this could work but needs -- i think the title a little more poem isn't about is tree. would take out references of you until end poem. and cut stanzas 3 4 5 or rework them changes below. struggle finally over standing with gnarled roots dug into terra. wounds mid-winter visible on burnt potato chip bark. branches shattered scattered like pickup stix around trunk . yellow sap oozes from gashes where limbs use to grow. realize some have fallen. however stand steadfast swaying gently in breeze survivor. by ryno 84042 from the mountains for laurie michael mv suggested title very lyrical narrative - engaging esp liked similes in 2. might consider some say dragons are starved with anger re last close as later he promises her roses and a drunken moon. hungry babe crawls over brook to home maid sleeps servant s tired dreamless. lady pins faded flower left side of hair. i walk down trail search new sandals respite heat hibiscus gardens roasted crickets 84043 re the fridge asher hi sachi--thank's for careful read comments. you made some good points. yes i will probably let go of pre personal line. liked your note on word they. make a convincing argument to change that pronoun. can hear someone else's gut's churning think. have few ideas how rework this so it is easier enter but consider reshelfing idea in revision. thanks grammar edits questions as well. best ag dear think title compelling. unique subject. sort prepersonal or trans experience an intext works against flow and splits image. not sure why readed must be guided thus. needs better grammar. perhaps different words. nice voice shift. who 'they'..how narrator presume common point refernece--how he she reader connect 'a green repose' nice. sounds too. risks take with china. last line..of his father's gut..not what would know many bright spots here. 'cuticle so'..is down me particularly because raised expectations since we are specific about abstract. should there after mooring romp though design could bettered. no single image lasts previous arrange shelving such its always mate. regards. 84044 re the next to last piece si mon thanks barbara -- yes great help only 2 small nits 1. too pills cure... i think would be a better line break my opinion 2. quick ly is an adverb and this soul obviously compulsive. hope have been of help. --barbara s. 84045 re the next to last piece si mon nope -- never tried a villanelle altho i did write poem or two in form fashioned myself similar villanelle. i'm pretty lukewarm on this one thanks for comments s. just told someone down board ways that their might make good first line and feel same way about jz. ever not don't like what you've got here. guess my reaction's lukewarm. loved concentric was all set crit it...but you fixed any complaints had with revision. ibpc month if ya mind. but really back thing. would great repetition as second know think too much can't forget day night. oh i'll shut up. could nag into manipulating still it'd swell were so inclined. laurel 84046 re the next to last piece si mon thanks -- lots ponder here. i appreciate suggestions and comments s. hello it seems me that speaker is too much out of poem. what heck mean by don't know. there no texture sense or feel puzzle only narrative in subject verb. starts slow wonder would happen if you start with after shot... . could wind back catch beginning. are a couple places should look at punctuation again--l3 scenes l8 this line tells be evident from reading. yet can't help but relate shoved quick. noi 84047 hannahnahnahnahnah si mon well -- no footnote poem yet should i start raging this doesn't thrill me and so how can expect it to others i've worked lots with all kinds of special populations but very few if any good poems have come maybe take as a lesson. still waiting simon- poem. got sidetracked by some lionesses. or something. never think many things suggest in your they always seem their own fairly careful intent don t like muss up orderly which is why clean my desk instinct was the slightly further perhaps at push box closer. measure exactness lost that yes didn mind. sooner you get into mostly nature scenes apple trees ghost moon better. opinion. not sold on fit doesn ending haven suggestion. s weird here balance between riveting unwinding. scattering images movement out obvious task putting puzzle together these support suppose an unordering character end. starkness having just so. verb know. certain. am sure found disappointing because empathize wanting tree turned another muddy boot print . -h 84048 re a poem from the mountains for laurie annmarie eldon lovely. only line that doesn't work me is beyond where dragons dwell baby plays in dust at edge of village. maid busy with demands lady and her consort notices toddler crawl towards brook too tired to watch village s bastard. stream thin this year suffocating drought slow trickle like an old man might attempt sour woman offer out pity. some say are angry others they have left one richer. i pick scarlet lily lone bloom. she struggles place wilted petals hair but hands sweaty heat drops it. perhaps its them. there no other laughs offers cricket. later he promises roses drunken moon. hungry babe crawls over home sleeps servant dreamless. pins faded flower side hair. walk down trail search new sandals suggest final sorry screwed up rewrite thus respite hibiscus gardens roasted crickets. 84049 re climbing to redemption -- revised ctg christopher t george christopher- this is an instance where the poet should go with his instincts remain as written. its style descriptive but it's a that works well here. i enjoyed climb you and felt same sort of pantheism feel when read gary snyder's poetry. there spiritual side poem perhaps has eluded other readers thus far i've found in details themselves. only change i'd make remove 'to' from title-- think idea being relationship on mountain- wonderful one indeed. stp hi many thanks for your support interest stp. chris 84050 through the back windshield jables world looks like any other small town. this 1959 fin-fixed cadillac is a space ship. we re blasting radio. last moon transmission came from modesto. darling i know you send me. mother have problem. try and hold it. there s milk jug if can t. motel shot on of rocket. astronaut meeting not my father. in oregon waitress calls me cutie-pie puts down two creamers spoon shined her thigh. will count 5-4-3-2-1 bites left hot fudgey. time he gave half-pack wrigley s. chewed until they out face red as an apple his smile one tv. off part highway. heading for home. father filing saws wood ll never use moon. 84051 re you must hold me in your lap while the news is fred longworth on. we make a group of two. media moments head into gray and wise hair nest those pestering strands. stab icons i canned sounds escape an embrace no one else understands. intolerant our love hearts bomb babies others sacrifice own under impact arms whip genitals. young people die especially blonde bourgeois dead-eyed-in-the-camera kids infant ooze rot down to roots fruit. baby m ovulating damaged eggs. sherry this simply terrific . 84052 re you must hold me in your lap while the news is jables sherry gimme some of what you're drinking. loved it. j. on. we make a group two. media moments head into gray and wise hair nest those pestering strands. stab icons i canned sounds escape an embrace no one else understands. intolerant our love hearts bomb babies others sacrifice own under impact arms whip genitals. young people die especially blonde bourgeois dead-eyed-in-the-camera kids infant ooze rot down to roots fruit. baby m ovulating damaged eggs. 84053 re circumambulate sherry hi. you're absolutely right lube is the key in mechanics and drinking. grin i really enjoyed add less tonic more gin win lose lines. don't understand ghost noodles . like sound image of it my mind though. you see me coming for miles instead sounds natural to me. ...and man if shoes weren't shop too i'd be walking spreading mantra discontent along with you... love course said better. s. graphite from pinewood derby sparkles knuckles. key. tell son winning isn t everything. what when we gin. overcooked. you. even nothing lust. horizon begs. ledyard are or would walk here yadkin county line happens ' s happening. losing tonic. moon a sky. miles. 84054 re a poem from the mountains for laurie metz somehow this is painfully dislocated. speaker doesn't presume to be placed concurrently in time with predominant trope. yet language stilted-ly and off on imitates era. i guess if were kinda guy who'd go dress up screw around at medieval fair consider myself authentic would engage me. otherwise it just sounds like some modern donning poetic equivalent of coat armor prancing about. ultimate message story quite good you course clearly have substantial writing skills. think it's ill-conceived. toddlers toddle not crawl ... by definition. -- beyond where dragons dwell baby plays dust edge village. maid busy demands lady her consort notices toddler towards brook too tired watch village s bastard. stream thin year suffocating drought slow trickle an old man might attempt sour woman offer out pity. say are angry others that they left one richer. pick scarlet lily lone bloom. she struggles place wilted petals hair but hands sweaty heat drops it. there no other laughs offers cricket. later he promises roses drunken moon. hungry babe crawls over home sleeps servant dreamless. pins faded flower side hair. walk down trail search new sandals respite hibiscus gardens roasted crickets 84055 re you must hold me in your lap while the news is metz no it's not terrific. parts are. but uneven. though evenness something seldom strive for it notes below. -- on. great title we make a group of two. media moments head into gray and wise hair nest those pestering strands. all this completely unecesary as content age wisdom made clear stab icons i canned sounds escape an embrace one else understands. intolerant our love hearts bomb babies others sacrifice own under impact arms whip genitals. young people die above especially blonde bourgeois gets too didactic. that rest isn't. dead-eyed- to -the-camera kids infant ooze rot down roots fruit. ott cheapens rest. skirts edge without going over. baby m ovulating damaged eggs. fruit final line are again great. 84056 re you must hold me in your lap while the news is sherry any little bit of terrific i can get fine with me. reign metz. and like a lot read. i'll use some deletions for sure. but i've just gotta go ott sometimes keep my bourgeois will let have infant ooze rot. grin think about first poem rewrite it. thanks commenting always enjoy thoughts. s. no it's not terrific. parts are. uneven. though evenness something seldom strive it notes below. -- metz media moments head all this completely unecesary as content title age wisdom made clear above great gets too didactic. that rest isn't. rot cheapens rest. skirts edge without going over. down to roots our fruit final line are again great. 84057 re circumambulate metz as often on the same page. not ten feet away this piece of paper pack 99 pinewood derby 2005 st. paul's school gym 10 00 a.m. april 23 .... award categories coolest hot-rod meanest looking monster car ugliest vehicle track did your mom make that etc ok poem. fine very fine. poignant and pointed. only suggestions are a coupla cuts below. -- graphite from sparkles my knuckles. lube is key. i tell son winning isn t everything. what when we lose add less tonic to gin. ghost noodles overcooked. you. even in nothing lust. horizon begs. ledyard shoes shop or would walk here yadkin county line spreading mantra discontent happens nothings happening. losing win more gin tonic. moon sky. you see coming for miles. 84058 re you must hold me in your lap while the news is sherry baby jim doll do i know what happening here -- of course not my own poems...of not. does that stop from writing them..no. this enjoying challenge poem...of a bad sign. means don't get it doesn't g am with most first half poem. love opening movement and title course. stabbing icons little less than perfect think. was thinking weak. rougher draft lot stronger. had something about giving media head. maybe lost when cut that. intolerent our part until end have some wonderful lines want to embrace but i'm sure catch drift if drift. whipped genitals made chuckle keep reading as generals. we can whip generals too you'd like. anger etc. young people die last line seem work voice. isn't voice still right on target. thanks playing character actually really trying into it. l struggle mentality say let's see others si for response. s. 84059 re you must hold me in your lap while the news is sherry fred i'll take all terrific i can get. i'm glad enjoyed read. s. this simply . 84060 re you must hold me in your lap while the news is sherry i like my wine. sometimes dark rum thanks. s. gimme some of what you're drinking. loved it. j. 84061 re you must hold me in your lap while the news is annmarie eldon i love title particularly stop at end on. am as ever going to edit we make a group of two. media moments head into gray and wise hair nest those pestering strands. stab icons . canned esacpe sounds escape an embrace no one else under- under stands. intolerant our hearts bomb babies others sacrifice own impact arms whip genitals. young people die especially blonde bourgeois dead-eyed-in-the-camera kids infant ooze rot down roots friut. fruit. baby m ovulating damaged eggs. best 84062 re you must hold me in your lap while the news is slosh i just had to change breaks a tad and edit out some unneeded stuff --as see it-- we make group of two. media moments head into gray wise hair nest those pestering strands. stab icons canned sounds escape an embrace no one else understands. intolerant our love hearts bomb babies others sacrifice own under impact whip genitals. young die especially blonde bourgeois dead-eyed -in-the-camera kids infant ooze rot roots --our fruit baby m ovulating damaged eggs. on. arms people dead-eyed-in-the-camera down fruit. 84063 the third secret of fatima ctg pic christopher t george lucia de jesus dos santos last three to see virgin died at 97 long after her friends in flu '18. tiny sister met meaty polish pope. ten years an assassin's bullet tore through his guts he assured our lady had saved him as foretold lucia's vision when sainted bells rang from oak spoke words on sun's wind speaking time for all time. t. 84064 re circumambulate yoly yes the pinewoord derby approaches fun event for scouts and their families. this is good strong work. love end line. peace graphite from pinewood sparkles my knuckles. lube key. i tell son winning isn t everything. what when we lose add less tonic to gin. ghost noodles overcooked. of you. even in nothing lust. horizon begs. ledyard shoes are shop or would walk here yadkin county line spreading mantra discontent happens nothings happening. losing win more gin tonic. moon a sky. you see coming miles. 84065 re you must hold me in your lap while the news is yoly sherry wonderfully written. keep as is. just a suggestion smile on. we make group of two. media moments head into gray and wise hair nest those pestering strands. stab icons i canned sounds escape an embrace no one else understands. intolerant our love hearts bomb babies others sacrifice own under impact arms whip genitals. young people die especially blonde bourgeois dead-eyed-in-the-camera kids infant ooze rot down to roots fruit. baby m ovulating damaged eggs. 84066 re from the mountains for laurie gary b smiles no more to be said. thanks. suggested title very lyrical narrative - engaging esp liked similes in 2. might consider some say dragons are starved with anger last close as later he promises her roses and a drunken moon. hungry babe crawls over brook home maid sleeps servant s tired dreamless. lady pins faded flower left side of hair. i walk down trail search new sandals respite heat hibiscus gardens roasted crickets mv 84067 revised gary b a poem from the mountains for laurie beyond where dragons dwell baby plays in dust at edge of village. maid busy with demands lady and her consort notices child crawl towards brook too tired to watch village bastard. stream is thin this year suffocating drought slow trickle like an old man might attempt sour woman offer out pity. some say are angry others that they have left one richer. i pick yellow lily lone bloom. she struggles place its wilted petals hair but hands heat wet drops it. there no escort laughs offers cricket. later he promises roses drunken moon. hungry babe crawls over home sleeps servant s sleep - dreamless. pins faded flower side hair. walk down trail search relief hibiscus gardens roasted crickets 84068 re a poem from the mountains for laurie gary b there are changes. they may satisfy. thanks. me is perhaps she struggles to place its petals in her wilted hair but heat sweaty hands drops them. no other village. and i suggest final sorry screwed up rewrite thus sandals dragons respite hibiscus gardens roasted crickets. annmarie 84069 re a poem from the mountains for laurie gary b i guess if were kinda guy who'd go dress up and screw around at medieval fair consider myself authentic this would engage me. otherwise it just sounds like some modern donning poetic equivalent of coat armor prancing about. yet there is nothing here that could have occured yesterday. even dragons. you can to places in world where locals will describe way when change weather occurs invoke them. see anything leans your might be maid lady consort - but seems weak so... toddlers toddle not crawl ... by definition. now child. thanks. ps i'm asking story or care read sometimes think those these forums look something beyond then crit that. 84070 re you must hold me in your lap while the news is gary b stanzas and white space would make this stronger. thanks. on. we a group of two. media moments head into gray wise hair nest those pestering strands. stab icons i canned sounds escape an embrace no one else understands. intolerant our love hearts bomb babies others sacrifice own under impact arms whip genitals. young people die especially blonde bourgeois dead-eyed-in-the-camera kids infant ooze rot down to roots fruit. baby m ovulating damaged eggs. 84071 re ice storm gary b i would not do you better first person i. speaking to the tree... too much for me tons of pressing down on a bit overstatement pick something other than pick-up-sticks manufacutured ok but make it outdoorsy good luck. your struggle is finally over standing with gnarled roots dug into terra. wounds mid-winter visible burnt potato chip bark. branches shattered scattered like pickup stix around trunk . yellow sap oozes from gashes where limbs use grow. body wet deteriorating capsule life water flows once more in phloem. every surface now gone. creek and crash frosty december night. ravaged solemnly again. horror forrester casualties normandy. then realize some them have fallen quiet death. however stand steadfast swaying gently breeze survivor. by ryno 84072 re dull gary b the title like asking for us to think it is. me matter of fact. cut out those laters and much will improve. cows do work but only need look once thanks. when i was young hated all things indian hindu because a girl in tenth grade english class could speak french fluently seemed know what bhagavad-gita later really did spend two years driving cab new york city never saw larry at belmore cafeteria sitting with book while rest played gin. whenever now walk outside into dawn around this house hard-up against pasture bordering subdivision one cow always looks just me. 84073 epilogue the symbolism of color laurel not by moon nor with. drunken and drinking it in this white light so pristine virginal. still river shimmers. current irresistible pulls her out down a corridor absent color. absence symbol she always thought obvious heaven when was little death now that is big. oh heavenly deathly you are pearl nooses neck eye rolled back will close halo detached from head paler than casketed breast no longer rises with breath never rise again. boat rocks takes on water. sways mouth open. like drunk monk mad woman rows toward hole middle has oars. forgive me shift pov but even i long to be swallowed. fast asleep won t hear splash just croak frogs telling each other same lorn story across black pond. morning bump against shore ghost float surface color- less as last night s moon. 84074 re circumambulate si mon thanks sherry -- the ghost noodles got left behind from parts of this that i axed at last minute. my coming not sure why it came out like that. glad you enjoyed that's all ask and knew would catch typo good editor are hi. you're absolutely right lube is key in mechanics drinking. grin really add less tonic more gin win lose lines. don't understand . sound image mind though. see me for miles instead sounds natural to me. ...and man if shoes weren't shop too i'd be walking spreading mantra discontent along with you... love course said better. s. 84075 re circumambulate si mon at least you had cool categories for the cars -- ours were most beautiful patriotic best scouting theme my son just copied picture on box he did work mostly we went night before race to have it impounded they weigh and measure check parts very anal different than when oldest 10 years ago all that mattered was thing didn't more 5 oz this time made me move weights change tires cause said sanded them too much as if going make any difference his car finish 5th out of 6 instead 6th. church room filled with dads working power tools not a boy in sight. anyway i agree your edit suggestions thanks often same page. ten feet away piece paper pack 99 pinewood derby 2005 st. paul's school gym 00 a.m. april 23 .... award coolest hot-rod meanest looking monster ugliest vehicle track mom etc ok poem. fine fine. poignant pointed. only are coupla cuts below. metz ghost noodles overcooked. 84076 re the third secret of fatima ctg laurel chris i can't get this to format it way hear it--and frankly i'm almost certain you'd never go for formatting about suggest---but what heck it's a workshop right i'll toss idea up so you can shoot down. smile heard poem in long lines. wanted whole first sentence be one line. your short lines make read very hiccupy i'd definitely consider lengthening bit. gosh that pic pope makes me sad. he looked young photo full vim and vigor. lucia de jesus dos santos last three see virgin died at ninety-seven after her friends flu eighteen. tiny sister met meaty polish pope. ten years an assassin's bullet tore through his guts assured our lady had saved him as foretold lucia's vision sainted bells rang from oak spoke on sun's wind speaking all time. 84077 re circumambulate si mon thanks yoly -- yes the pinewoord derby approaches fun event for scouts and their families. this is good strong work. love end line. peace 84078 re epilogue the symbolism of color jables a little bit slow starter but it rages at end. rewrite first stanza for you this white light river still shimmers with symbols. absence everything symbol tightening here and there is in order i think. expected absense part so maybe should rethink that offer up something less used. 84079 re through the back windshield si mon often i find that write one too many lines in my poems -- think you have done here need to cut entire last stanza end it with tv if feel get father rethink way seems easy expected even saw and hint of violence perhaps isn't enough. only other nit is hot fudgey this suppose be a fudge sundae or something else cute counting down altho nice doesn't seem like would needed yummy more appopriate eating broccoli but maybe just onw childhood jumping enjoyed s. world looks any small town. 1959 fin-fixed cadillac space ship. we blasting radio. moon transmission came from modesto. darling know send me. mother problem. try hold it. there s milk jug can t. motel shot on rocket. astronaut meeting not father. oregon waitress calls me cutie-pie puts two creamers spoon shined her thigh. will count 5-4-3-2-1 bites left fudgey. time he gave half-pack wrigley chewed until they out face red as an apple his smile tv. off part highway. heading for home. filing saws wood ll never use moon. 84080 re through the back windshield laurel jables such a snappy poem blah title. what about letting title serve as first line rather than repeat got few other suggestions. here's an edit for your consideration bindshield world looks like any small town. this '59 fin-fixed cadillac's spaceship and we blasting radio. last moon transmission came from modesto. darling i know you send me. mother have problem. try hold it. there s milk jug if can t. motel's shot on of rocket. astronaut meeting isn't my dad. in oregon waitress calls me cutie-pie lays down two creamers spoon shined her thigh. will count 5-4-3-2- 1 bites left hot fudgey. time he gave half-pack wrigley s. chewed until they out mom face red apple his smile one tv. off part highway heading home. father's filing saws wood ll never use moon. okay so formatting sucks. grin was love with break that trying to get same kind effect throughout poem. didn't change much. thought it'd be cool both father dad since those words used different lines achieve levels meaning intimacy or distance. liked jables. i'll humming you....for rest day. not bad song stuck head. oh it goes without saying is merely suggestion nothing more. do toss it's no help find intrusive. 84081 re circumambulate laurel don't take this the wrong way. you know i'll stand in hour long line to get my copy signed at your book signing. but strikes me as i read it short hand. lines are choppy transitions abrupt....and got feeling that was reading a chopped up revision of much longer piece. is case if so any possiblity could post original draft thread i'm curious see how cut. te ballard has been telling lately she suspects killing poems during revision. wonder you're not doing same. wrong. poem's good. better than crap i've posting lately---and man people have it's crap. smile still. there's poem behind this. can its shadow kinda almost. so...post one maybe graphite from pinewood derby sparkles knuckles. lube key. tell son winning isn t everything. what when we lose add less tonic gin. ghost noodles overcooked. you. even nothing lust. horizon begs. ledyard shoes shop or would walk here yadkin county spreading mantra discontent happens nothings happening. losing win more gin tonic. moon sky. coming for miles. 84082 re circumambulate si mon well - -the longer one no exists -- except perhaps in my memory see forgetting how to spell dementia poem. thanks for the read but this case if it's crap then believe that version was just crap. i been reading about explorer and they kept using word wanted use it a poem pretty dumb huh... don't take wrong way. you know i'll stand hour long line get copy signed at your book signing. strikes me as short hand. lines are choppy transitions abrupt....and got feeling chopped up revision of much piece. is so any possiblity could post original draft thread i'm curious cut. te ballard has telling lately she suspects killing poems during revision. wonder you're not doing same. wrong. poem's good. better than i've posting lately---and man people have smile still. there's behind this. can its shadow kinda almost. so...post maybe laurel 84083 the morning after si mon today your body leaves room of itself and heads to bed counsel cold sheets stepping over an angel drawn in crayon. somewhere a man scrapes walls with ragged nails. woman thinks about her rampant garden dreams annuals. here are maps latitude lazy flies. you ve misplaced language father who drifts still air limbs stiff as wire. rise this is day death. waltz from eyes like dark cells. lover palms key. 84084 re epilogue the symbolism of color si mon a few things -- this poem is drunk on commas can you find way to use breaks in some places...i guess not. and i'm guessing are pretty set self poetic reference as has happened so many your recent poems forgive shift pov i would cut it. but might disagree. also suggest white absence symbol think stand its own. otherwise very good writing yes indeed. not by moon nor with. drunken drinking it light pristine virginal. still river shimmers. current irresistible pulls her out down corridor absent color. she always thought obvious heaven when was little death now that big. oh heavenly deathly pearl nooses neck eye rolled back will close halo detached from head paler than casketed breast no longer rises with breath never rise again. boat rocks takes water. sways mouth open. like monk mad woman rows toward hole middle oars. me even long be swallowed. fast asleep won t hear splash just croak frogs telling each other same lorn story across black pond. morning bump against shore ghost float surface color- less last night s moon. 84085 our 3 ibpc poems announced p n michael mv http www.webdelsol.com bbs zineweb zineweb.cgi read 10273 84086 re the morning after cyocom i've got to say that my first impulse was run away screaming by time i angel drawn in crayon. stanza falls into a tangle of bland and expected images. however if is omitted from consideration second starts something very good. noi today your body leaves room itself heads bed counsel cold sheets stepping over an somewhere man scrapes walls with ragged nails. woman thinks about her rampant garden dreams annuals. here are maps latitude lazy flies. you ve misplaced language father who drifts still air limbs stiff as wire. rise this day death. waltz eyes like dark cells. lover palms key. 84087 variation by cavafy on a theme of tarrega's david halitsky you weep like woman for what failed to defend man - ayxa la horra mother boabdil upon seeing her vanquished son crying at the last sight he would ever have their beloved alhambra. when his mind is clear can recall day and hour heard that melody float him breeze history so faint only could feel it. fingers pluck bedclothes in broken spasms arpeggios pulgar indicio medio annular tremolo wrote beyond them now. wants tell little sisters do know rosaries my used guitar-strings but all manage slow adagio tears through which thinks hears how womanlike weakling appears. http www.underthesun.cc classics irving alhambrathe alhambrathe18.html 84089 re revised metz notes below. -- a poem from the mountains for laurie beyond where dragons dwell baby plays in dust at edge of village. maid busy with demands lady and her consort notices child crawl towards brook too tired to watch village bastard. general this is pretty intriguing start sets up simple but compelling scene. language tries take us back time or least evoke timeless quality modern setting i don't think it succeeds. succeeds only very formulaic sense. yes bastard all same strophe do pluck some cliched medieval strings by virute inclusion others . if you intend instead be more modernish china tibet something needs specific less inside-the-box-of-standard-images. does notice not who presumably she him mean about his waywardness then use tend. stream thin year suffocating drought slow trickle like an old man after mead cider rice wine etc might attempt sour woman offer out pity unsuckled milk crone's teat whole concept image quite strong carried deftly. say are angry that they have left one richer. richer kinda stilted ok pick yellow lily lone bloom. struggles place its wilted petals hair hands heat wet drops it. there no other what people assume petals. escort laughs offers cricket. thought was consort. there's difference. later he promises roses drunken moon. says nothing self-consiously intended poetic hungry babe crawls over home sleeps servant s sleep - dreamless. she's asleep course pins faded flower side hair. walk down trail search relief hibiscus gardens roasted crickets end fine except did come lily. 84090 re a poem from the mountains for laurie metz valid point. fair enough. comments on revision. -- i guess if were kinda guy who'd go dress up and screw around at medieval consider myself authentic this would engage me. otherwise it just sounds like some modern donning poetic equivalent of coat armor prancing about. yet there is nothing here that could have occured yesterday. even dragons. you can to places in world where locals will describe way when change weather occurs invoke them. see anything leans your might be maid lady consort - but seems weak so... toddlers toddle not crawl ... by definition. now child. thanks. gary ps i'm asking story or care read sometimes think those these forums look something beyond then crit that. 84091 re variation by cavafy on a theme of tarrega's metz not bad. but with the epigraph and title embedded allusions this seems to promise alot more than it delivers. context overwhelms content. i say that admission know nothing about music. said if you want keep poem simple --consider axing first strophe entirely. second strohpe is kinda musically self-indulgent necessary for your trope. last two are poignant. lotsa wasted words in though -- marked below. might wanna tighten it. weep like woman what failed defend man - ayxa la horra mother boabdil upon seeing her vanquished son crying at sight he would ever have their beloved alhambra. when his mind clear can recall day hour heard melody float him breeze history so faint only could feel fingers pluck bedclothes broken spasms arpeggios pulgar indicio medio annular tremolo wrote beyond them now. wants tell little sisters do rosaries my used guitar-strings all manage slow adagio tears through which thinks hears 11 mere transportation 29-word stanza how womanlike weakling appears. http www.underthesun.cc classics irving alhambrathe alhambrathe18.html 84092 mornings with ethan si mon 1. a lump of butter skitters across the skillet. prefers his eggs scrambled. how many will we sit satisfied in this kitchen spooning sunlight spider descends from ceiling fixture down invisible thread. watch chase it heavenward. three times. then affords trolley ride on paper plate outside. checks under table still for relatives. 2. here s to leafy gossip magnolia faithful green. they re clearing woods behind our house make way more. each morning try ignore rumble that rattles windows. machinery enters dreams unmanned unstoppable. trunks ribboned yellow. know screech owl days are numbered. who not brown skinned workers slowly cruise pick-up trucks. their long and end cash beer runs smiling cashiers do understand. sweaty love is common currency. earth plowed under. hawk heron. birds as metaphors. yes i dogwood temporal. press against bark say number three. 3. once there was time. boy walked out unnamed stars field made muddy by walking. but mud pure. if he kept walking beyond lights patios left old men women unable sleep warehouses stunning dark manned skeleton crews parking lots lit no good reason might be winter snow fly up into brightness there. was. 4. notes loss daylight. crosses street caution sell popcorn. hair seldom sits right. sing early mornings. crows cardinals. stand trees blaze. now. trust matter. so drifts eternity. 84093 mis match asher the body leans heavily into language. that it is to begin with an uncertainty. follow a savagery. entropic. widowing text. nathalie stephens i. train consumed in darkness of delhi. fires around tracks corrugated aluminum roofed hovels. when he was child said i think can. woman hangs laundry on guard rail. swallowed mooring light and still traveling. delhi disassembling. more space tracings finger. chai wallah sings. figures speech. language coinages. mine. flies breed yield. try again another tongue. beggars are herding they sit between cars feeds them rice banana leaf. am traitor. ii. farther. you deserve longitude latitude we match. just missed. boarded for lahore. cannot cross border. comes sudden stop mind moves across momentous. from amritsar drink haunting song. generations singing. people board unboard. man defecates. pastoral arrivals returnings. boardings dislodgings. ankles bells. sound home real or imagined main faculty house attic moth eaten saris weddings karachi picture frames pictures glossed over say doesn't speak. lack walls. dream spiraling staircase krishna. cleaning glass picture. evoking past. meticulously. abba by well murmuring om jaladhar--in memory this attack. his foot went through ceiling. chewing beetle nuts blood trickled off lips. living room amalgamated kitchen. past deserved be revised. addition father who chainsawed catalpa branch sitting on. iii. pakistan kitchen place where roll chapatis could create our own menu out salt. walls barred islamabad. mother asylum. she center piece attention homed matisse framed. mantle. deficit because sounds returned home. every object mantle there no hues black white excised don't matter. inability define dust mite. might inherit microscopic eye problem germs solved pasteur. iv. ear listens climbs down staircase. were once krishna dream. those stairs ascended hands meticulous details. farther descends basement successful son veritable relic success has taken family room. fossil. needs image. live old jinnestan won't do. ...and water floods must save drowning which requires contrite eye. bridge tongue fartherland. imbecile bridge. bride without chamber calico pillow sheath night intercourse whore sounding always returning turned back. switch places as though playing each other's part. says wants remain here uncle tells her anyone sane returns after success. but transplanted grow all directions. runs dry transmitted like arm leg. become fluid intensity your eyes aquariums father. pupils float diaphanous membranes returning. middle child. wall not erected. pleasant arbor gazebo trellis lattice work india indian chase away crows day. will leave dry. leaving scattering hired servant one pound month blackened stone chisel lost word. now siriket mean want womb. want. souvenirs. v. composed clothes. clothes hang throat. parables here. arrivals. returns. tattered torn--foreign words. -angrez shouted threw stones at me muree. ceiling falls bats flit estranged moorings space. climb mountain unnamed defecates--my inheritance. use english contra diction. vi. bears hangers attacked. layers muffled static words filled imagine. engulf engulfed wall. question. dreaming neurons splayed open brain. absence breeds auditory about gathers vanish. imaginary wells baba chants om. refrain. possible frame. clean vii. dunes dune buggies dubai set up tent. buy apartment worlds. explore bedouin culture jeep. had gypsy gypsum eyes. go back plane supersaturated. maim word myself. accretions dormitories allergic reaction. immunoglobulin e replacing acquire can see dark wings borders growing eats itself even cut narrative only audition. 84094 re variation by cavafy on a theme of tarrega's david halitsky metz - thanks for taking the time to respond. why should anyone wish keep poem simple are football plays 84095 re the weatherman as grief si mon don't ask me about titles -- i'm rotten at them. but i do think this poem needs some work there are too many easy lines poetically expected maybe i've read much poetry. comments below. ground freezes every winter still we not prepared. it surprises us all starts slow plods. know. start with more of a bang pipes burst. in our sleep. burst and blame weather man his reports machinery ties to future part . is what was talking really doesn't add anything could be argued. line powerful without once easy. fur muff brown mittens two socks around faucets everyone's safe. now s complicated. comes goes concerns its own shovel useless against it. hammer only breaks ice. hang like balloon wire. eventually cold snaps fall. by spring water- washed back gutter spilled world. last image good...i falls flat 84096 re the morning after si mon thanks -- i might be happy with someone running away screaming from one of my poems but would hope they had read more than three lines. some day. so your advice is to drop first stanza and try make something out second. that work. thanks. 84097 re mis match david halitsky well - this is one that can be read many times over. the fact i it once all way thru you take as a sincere compliment. did so to see if could really maintain crystal-clear and identifable voice diction with which begin also clear internal prosody. did. that's why will return for thematic perusal. there some who tell here no prosody in piece.' they are wrong. is. wrote in. heard it. shantih shantih. 84098 re mornings with ethan david halitsky si mon well-done. best lines in my opinion and if he kept walking beyond the lights of patios house left on by old men women unable to sleep warehouses stunning dark manned skeleton crews parking lots lit for no good reason i've walked those as a security guard. perfect. 84099 re the third secret of fatima ctg david halitsky - this is crafted well. i think last lines are problematic because issues intent mixed in with issue craft. if meant seriously then they're lousy. a real down bummer coming after what came before. interested to see others may say this. 84100 re circumambulate laurel no not dumb. every poem has got to spring from somewhere eh um and i didn't say yours was crap. said mine was. smile sorry if you misunderstood me. don't save your drafts the horror seriously man everything...even never look at it again.. we're clear here lk well - -the longer one exists -- except perhaps in my memory see forgetting how spell dementia poem. thanks for read but this case it's crap then believe that version just been reading about explorer they kept using word wanted use a pretty dumb huh... si 84101 hope it wasn't something i said. nm si mon 84102 re you must hold me in your lap while the news is sherry hello ms. eldon thanks for stopping on this one. i always enjoy stylish edge and trying to work it into my poetry when am brave enough. grin seriously you've been writing some pretty good stuff board here. inlines look at see how much better first stanza already were right cut it. there too many words not even saying what was say. we make a group of two. media moments giving head down wise hair that nest pestering strands. do think l low-down blunt now don't know with won't behave. s. as ever going edit gray those stab icons . canned esacpe sounds escape an embrace no one else under- under stands. intolerant our love hearts bomb babies others sacrifice own impact arms whip genitals. young people die especially blonde bourgeois dead-eyed-in-the-camera kids infant ooze rot roots friut. fruit. baby m ovulating damaged eggs. best annmarie 84103 re you must hold me in your lap while the news is sherry slosh thanks for thoughtful crit. every eye going to help on this one. s. i just had change breaks a tad and edit out some unneeded stuff --as see it-- we make group of two. media moments head into gray wise hair nest those pestering strands. stab icons canned sounds escape an embrace no one else understands. intolerant our love hearts bomb babies others sacrifice own under impact whip genitals. young die especially blonde bourgeois dead-eyed -in-the-camera kids infant ooze rot roots --our fruit baby m ovulating damaged eggs. 84104 re you must hold me in your lap while the news is sherry yoly thanks for liking this poem as-is. what a rare treat. s. wonderfully written. keep as is. just suggestion smile 84105 re you must hold me in your lap while the news is sherry hello gary i believe white space here with various line lengths and will think about those stanzas. wonderful to see crit. s. stanzas would make this stronger. thanks. 84106 re revised gary b thank you for your comments. i see point about consort et al - a set up did not intend. below is revision that might solve problem. maid now tea-girl and waitress. lady toruist woman so forth. nothing else addressed btw. thanks. 84107 re revised 2 gary b left of the rewrite a poem from mountains for laurie beyond where dragons dwell baby plays in dust at edge village. tea-girl busy with demands tourist and her escort notices child crawl towards brook. she s too tired to watch village bastard. stream is thin this year suffocating drought slow trickle like an old man might attempt sour aged woman offer out pity. some say are angry others that they have one richer. i pick yellow lily lone bloom. struggles place its wilted petals hair but hands heat wet drops it. there no lover laughs offers cricket. later he promises roses drunken moon. hungry babe crawls over brook home waitress sleeps servant sleep - dreamless. lady pins faded flower side hair. walk down trail search relief hibiscus gardens roasted crickets -- general pretty intriguing start sets up simple compelling scene. language tries take us back time or least evoke timeless quality modern setting don't think it succeeds. succeeds only very formulaic sense. yes maid consort bastard all same strophe do pluck cliched medieval strings by virute inclusion . if you intend instead be more modernish china tibet something needs specific less inside-the-box-of-standard-images. does notice not who presumably him mean about his waywardness then use tend. after mead cider rice wine etc pity unsuckled milk crone's teat whole concept image quite strong carried deftly. richer kinda stilted ok other what people assume petals. thought was consort. there's difference. says nothing self-consiously intended poetic she's asleep course end fine except did come lily. 84108 re mis match hannah good morning asher i like this. in that it provides fairly unequivocally its own framework for interpretation think there is very little work to be done by the reader. whether or not this have no idea. feel somewhat superfluous piece but don t mind. a small part of me wouldn mind just less narrator s insertion objections rewriting over top multi-faceted narrative structure something about particular freudian self-analysis desire inserts itself at every juncture. m sure has do with my conceptualization understanding reading as creative endeavor and receptacle zeitgeist poem. then can fair critical statement poem remains seen. probably not. stuff needs cleaned up particularly last half lines room homed matisse framed instance aren clear they should be. are lot that. you mean betel why use let imply beetle some punctuation stuff. know isn high on list so won bother going through all examples. iv was favorite mostly because when transplanted grow directions. lovely insightful line. -h 84109 re dull strict 8 7-syll met rev david halitsky sachi - thanks very much for taking the time to respond. as you can see from notes above s2 is related s1 and s3 understood by you. best regards 84110 re mis match asher good morning-- thanks for the comments. i didn't enjoy mattise line either and certainly a few lines need to be sharpened. think this syntax pacing space between images are an improvement over say languish piece. dunno. if it provides little room interpretation reconstruction then is fault of poem. yes grammar needs reworked some other issues. dunno about freudian self analysis bit that's interesting point that i'll consider. see what can do. i'm not sure it's easy everyone interpret. you have background in stuff pc theory but average reader meaning would so obvious. maybe its...when read there seems engagement mean say. maybe. hear from 84111 re mis match asher david-- thanks for reading through this lengthy piece and commenting shantih.... ag well - is one that can be read many times over. the fact i it once all way thru you take as a sincere compliment. did so to see if could really maintain crystal-clear identifable voice diction with which begin also clear internal prosody. did. that's why will return thematic perusal. there some who tell here no prosody in piece.' they are wrong. is. wrote in. heard it. shantih shantih. david halitsky 84112 re hope it wasn't something i said. sbern no-- not what said but done. escapes 'doing' in poetry my minority position as a responder all responding lone wolfs lag behind the majority pack for rea- son trailer is sidetracked by business of picking at half-chewed bones and frying rot- ten fish try to comment on oblique-- leaving direct pack. hence intro which says about 'doing.' think ought 'do.' do effect change. nothing can be dome without upset static field. closed system thwarts entropy. too many poets post-poem leave 'field' unchanged raw entered. contestant american idol singing right song sense consciousness or self-posturing. sing your goddamn guts out dear big-mouth girls this doesn't mean 'yelling' lyric mush- mouthing words idiotic glissandos . some poems are meant whispered -- poet 'sing his out' whispering. other edged up higher volumes 'breathy' stage-- usual voice we hear movies. rarely today movie actors 'po- etry' moments speak blending goodly portion breath into primaries vo-cal syatem's work. those who write consid- ering might well go firing range shoot few rounds barrel .50 calibre sniper rifle. i'm saying read lot 'loud' that earmuffed 84113 re rock challenge 2nd attempt sometimes a sym laurel oh i'll keep at it. i don't think could not grin sorry was such big baby. i've been trying to thicken my skin. guess that too. smile again thanks you and the others ash slosh...who else ....who told me stuff's up snuff. what an odd phrase. honesty brutal is always best policy even with crybaby like me. no headpatting okay it that's vat telling myself. seems chiseling stone...and also throw pieces way before they're ready cause helps so completely understand impetus 9 who cares...keep throwing them moving...and are moving thinks. ag ouch. far below standard asked for 84114 re mornings with ethan hannah seymour- interesting piece. and long for you yay. here s my stuff yo - i really like the middle sections m so fond of second in fact that tempted to say where moment at which it becomes worth me as a reader leafy gossip magnolia faithful green. they clearing woods behind our house make way more. each morning we try ignore rumble rattles windows. this machinery enters dreams unmanned unstoppable. trunks ribboned yellow. know screech owl days are numbered. who how many not brown skinned workers slowly cruise pick-up trucks. their end cash beer runs seems wrong phrasing could be better smiling cashiers do understand. sweaty love mm consider sweat or just know. pushing. is common currency. earth plowed under. hawk heron. birds metaphors. yes dogwood temporal. press against bark number three. think have diction issues first section. there something strangled lines bump into one another choppiness scatteredness don t find particularly effective. in-and-out characteristic portray character by buoying mesmerizing atmospheric detail doesn work expected trouble focusing on narrator. lot those problems return again fourth wonder if making spider allegory more transparent would help third section yum too. walked. mean enough anaphora carries rhythm trope forward. result little surreal much very mallarme poking its nose . counterbalance still static pools light body walking among them through once was time. boy walked out under unnamed stars field made muddy walking. but mud pure. he kept beyond lights patios beneath left old men women unable sleep warehouses stunning dark manned skeleton crews parking lots lit no good reason then might winter snow fly up brightness there. was. that's all from peanut gallery. -h 84115 re mornings with ethan si mon thanks hnnh -- this was a late night effort me and g t or two. i slept two hours before having to rally the kids for school. so poem wears my weaknesses. posted an edit below using some of your suggestions. couldn't really get ride entire first stanza but might given little time. not sure what you were thinking about spider at end becoming more transparent. maybe sleep will help understand. now why don't post footnote over here si-mon lump butter skitters across skillet. prefers his eggs scrambled. how many we sit in kitchen spooning sunlight descends from ceiling down invisible thread. three times chase it heavenward. s leafy gossip magnolia faithful green. they clearing woods behind our house make room more. each morning try ignore rumble that rattles windows machinery enters dreams. trunks ribboned yellow. know screech owl days are numbered. who knows brown-skinned workers cruise by pick-up trucks. their long cash beer runs smile cashiers do understand them. earth plowed under is common denominator. hawk heron. birds as metaphor. yes dogwood temporal. press against bark say number three. once there boy walked out unnamed stars field made muddy walking. mud still pure. if he kept walking beyond lights patios left on old men women unable warehouses stunning dark manned skeleton crews parking lots lit no good reason then be winter snow fly up into brightness there. notes loss daylight. crosses street caution. hair seldom sits right. sing early mornings. crows stand trees. trust these matter. spiders drift eternity. 84116 re mornings with ethan si mon thanks david -- i spent some of my younger days as a security guard too appreciate your input s. well-done. best lines in opinion and if he kept walking beyond the lights patios house left on by old men women unable to sleep warehouses stunning dark manned skeleton crews parking lots lit for no good reason i've walked those guard. perfect. halitsky 84117 re you must hold me in your lap while the news is annmarie eldon okeedokie - here's three we make a group of two. media moments head into gray and wise hair nest those pestering strands. giving down that have to take bet on which main fractal. perhaps therefore or should pay attention shape it too. but i like breaks first before down. 84118 re variation by cavafy on a theme of tarrega's annmarie eldon ok. if complexity and is what you're going for here then push it it. don't go soft me. when his mind clear he can recall you weep like woman the day hour heard that melody float him breeze history so faint only failed could feel. fingers pluck at bedclothes to defend man in broken spasms arpeggios pulgar indicio medio annular tremolo wrote beyond them now. wants tell little sisters do know rosaries my used upon guitar-strings but all manage slow adagio mother boabdil her tears through which thinks hears how womanlike weakling son appears vanquished. she cannot crying last sight would ever have their beloved alhambra anyway i subject matter has be surreal think. 84119 drowning in the sexy thing we do yoly rushing through it i break day half to get where you are forgetting that ve been clutching a mug of warm coffee cause m tickling memory feathery fingers on nape. blue light and shirtless come out apartment. look amazed as if behind me more appears. your gaze trickles brown stains my pink-button blouse. smile use silence an ally. hook onto belt loop jeans learn forget forewords our unfolding. king move by kissing vacancy neck while teasing off damp shirt. 84120 re mis match yoly asher- there's always much to take in when reading your work. i don't pretend get it all. normally come back and have several reads. do like word choice here enjoyed the journey vision. wish could offer more. peace body leans heavily into language. that is begin with an uncertainty. follow a savagery. entropic. widowing text. nathalie stephens i. train consumed darkness of delhi. fires around tracks corrugated aluminum roofed hovels. he was child said think can. woman hangs laundry on guard rail. swallowed mooring light still traveling. delhi disassembling. more space tracings finger. chai wallah sings. figures speech. language coinages. mine. flies breed yield. try again another tongue. beggars are herding they sit between cars feeds them rice banana leaf. am traitor. ii. farther. you deserve longitude latitude we match. just missed. boarded for lahore. cannot cross border. comes sudden stop mind moves across momentous. from amritsar drink haunting song. generations singing. people board unboard. man defecates. pastoral arrivals returnings. boardings dislodgings. ankles bells. sound home real or imagined main faculty house attic moth eaten saris weddings karachi picture frames pictures glossed over say doesn't speak. lack walls. dream spiraling staircase krishna. cleaning glass picture. evoking past. meticulously. abba by well murmuring om jaladhar--in memory this attack. his foot went through ceiling. chewing beetle nuts blood trickled off lips. living room amalgamated kitchen. past deserved be revised. addition father who chainsawed catalpa branch sitting on. iii. pakistan kitchen place where roll chapatis create our own menu out salt. walls barred islamabad. mother asylum. she center piece attention homed matisse framed. mantle. deficit because sounds returned home. every object mantle there no hues black white excised matter. inability define dust mite. might inherit microscopic eye problem germs solved pasteur. iv. ear listens climbs down staircase. were once krishna dream. those stairs ascended hands meticulous details. farther descends basement successful son veritable relic success has taken family room. fossil. needs image. live old jinnestan won't do. ...and water floods must save drowning which requires contrite eye. bridge tongue fartherland. imbecile bridge. bride without chamber calico pillow sheath night intercourse whore sounding returning turned back. switch places as though playing each other's part. says wants remain uncle tells her anyone sane returns after success. but transplanted grow all directions. runs dry transmitted arm leg. become fluid intensity eyes aquariums father. pupils float diaphanous membranes returning. middle child. wall not erected. pleasant arbor gazebo trellis lattice work india indian chase away crows day. will leave dry. leaving scattering hired servant one pound month blackened stone chisel lost word. now siriket mean want womb. want. souvenirs. v. composed clothes. clothes hang throat. parables here. arrivals. returns. tattered torn--foreign words. -angrez shouted threw stones at me muree. ceiling falls bats flit estranged moorings space. climb mountain unnamed defecates--my inheritance. use english contra diction. vi. bears hangers attacked. layers muffled static words filled imagine. engulf engulfed wall. question. dreaming neurons splayed open brain. absence breeds auditory about gathers vanish. imaginary wells baba chants om. refrain. possible frame. clean vii. dunes dune buggies dubai set up tent. buy apartment worlds. explore bedouin culture jeep. had gypsy gypsum eyes. go plane supersaturated. maim myself. accretions dormitories allergic reaction. immunoglobulin e replacing acquire can see dark wings borders growing eats itself even cut narrative only audition. 84121 re variation by cavafy on a theme of tarrega's hannah david- while i haven t read enough your work to form any sort cohesive statement will say that each the poems you ve posted here has been in effect puzzle box. key enjoying from comments seems be presumptive upon one getting connections between series increasingly dissonant references literature and popular culture. hums right tune box might pop open. question remains mind after reading this particular piece is whether there are inherent textual clues guide reader towards humming correct tune. or perhaps more honestly interest about poem make want pieces an effort gain entry my quick answer would no . think predicated certain stylistic problems with namely find somewhat undercomposed. it s hard for me take lines like broken spasms arpeggio melody float him breeze history so faint only he could feel very seriously. they don evidence lot craft tend break away concrete at moments text as if not trusting fathom interpret images oneself instead requiring guiding hand also apparent hedging narrative constructions wants can recall manage did use multiple alliterative devices however. but big problem bringing all different elements together. get tarrega rercuerdos spelled wrong forgive irving without too much trouble although appears cast boabdil m sure what gained i.e. connection we yearning glance back alhambra paralysis affected end his life several disappointingly spare junction offering little conclusion legwork outside establishing allusive framework. suppose wax possible readings hours well poet job mine. misplaces quote ayxa la horra casts light having do frailty inadequacy was intended quite same vein original. instance important weep woman change things bit suspect. completely ignoring reference which place situ. tempted meant city believe precise either know how riff being alluded nor actually matters all. sorry didn fools accordion poem. -h 84122 home with no gable rewrite asher my apologies. i'll do some critiquing on the weekend. there are rooms this house house. is exterior mortar brick coverings. must be a form to encapsulate or deduct this. organs within have walls here. wall. plenitude of space between don't trust ceiling caving in. if hallway dark it because willow tree casting shadow don t intestinal only interior twist ing and wind . noise static in rooms. dark. where two borders meeting opening up never sepal place could prayer. he build worlds not intersect. collapsing fiction narrative. language for movement crawling out stories. know will neither but hinge driven mother tongue father land. larvae lacuna room stone s throw away floor has light fixtures bulb that buzzing. almost crossing threshold perception door forever being cleansed. window box petunias non-existent. lying bed. shadow. wall border attempting syllogism when body disassembles itself falling somewhere somebody vomits. 84123 re variation by cavafy on a theme of tarrega's david halitsky hannah - thanks for taking the time to respond. quote ayxa i gave url at which full is presented. there was no attempt mislead in shortened version. sense umistaken and unmistkable unless you are seriously suggesting revisionist view it. if so am not interested arguing point with wish best luck. would have thought he heard that melody sufficed key readers correct poem please see http users.hol.gr barbanis translation cavafy's god fosrakes antony gloss appear as follows forsakes constantine p. 1911 when suddenly midnight hour an invisible troupe passing exquisite music shouts -- your fortune fails now works failed plans life all turned out be illusions do mourn vain. long prepared courageous bid her farewell alexandria leaving. above fooled tell yourself it dream ears deceived stoop such vain hopes. becomes who been worthy city approach window firm step emotion but entreaties complaints coward last enjoyment listen sounds instruments mystical losing. notes refers plutarch's story besieged octavian voices made its way through then passed bacchus dionysus antony's protector deserting him. far piece itself still revision. here current version times his mind clear. can recall day float him breeze history faint hardly felt all. left-hand spavined fruitless clasp right flails arpeggios pulgar indicio medio annular tremolo wrote beyond their grasp. wants ask little sister know what rosaries my fingers used gut silver manage adagio tears hears mother laughing how womanlike weakling son appears. regards 84124 re variation by cavafy on a theme of tarrega's david halitsky annmargret - thanks for taking the time to comment. best regards 84125 re epilogue the symbolism of color laurel drunk on commas yeppers. i overpunctuate everything anyway but lately it's gotten worse. know that at its heart about control---and my lack thereof ha ha. i'm trying too hard to control how reader reads poem. oughta stop that. grin and nopers not all set self-referential bit. it kinda slipped in. could just as easily slip back out. for poem being self-referential...yeah stuck in mode eh maybe write a commaless without shred self is completely unaware hmmmm. wonder if actually could. thanks crit man few things -- this can you find way use breaks some places...i guess not. guessing are pretty poetic reference has happened so many your recent poems forgive shift pov would cut it. might disagree. also suggest white absence symbol think stand own. otherwise very good writing yes indeed. 84126 re epilogue the symbolism of color laurel gee both you and zola pointed to absence lines. i'll have mull that over. thanks for rewrite on 1st stanza. i'm always handing out edits everyone else much their dismay ha so it's nice get one in return. i think entry into poem is a bit clumsy because not necessariliy clear or explained. was going include line from li po as an epigraph about drinking by light moon getting drunk with moon....but couldn't find translation liked. hey this crit little slow starter but it rages at end. first stanza white river still shimmers symbols. everything symbol tightening here there order think. expected absense part maybe should rethink offer up something less used. jables 84128 re drowning in the sexy thing we do bowen yoly one of your best piece. i left you a full crit over at dmr. ash rushing through it break day half to get where are forgetting that ve been clutching mug warm coffee cause m tickling memory feathery fingers on nape. blue light and shirtless come out apartment. look amazed as if behind me more appears. gaze trickles brown stains my pink-button blouse. smile use silence an ally. hook onto belt loop jeans learn forget forewords our unfolding. king move by kissing vacancy neck while teasing off damp shirt. 84129 re mornings with ethan barbara silberg si i like the revision but i'd keep paper plate and looking for spider babies flavor. just my take. --barbara s. thanks hnnh -- this was a late night effort me g t or two. slept two hours before having to rally kids school. so poem wears weaknesses. posted an edit below using some of your suggestions. couldn't really get ride entire first stanza might given little time. not sure what you were thinking about at end becoming more transparent. maybe sleep will help understand. now why don't post footnote over here si-mon lump butter skitters across skillet. prefers his eggs scrambled. how many we sit in kitchen spooning sunlight descends from ceiling down invisible thread. three times chase it heavenward. s leafy gossip magnolia faithful green. they clearing woods behind our house make room more. each morning try ignore rumble that rattles windows machinery enters dreams. trunks ribboned yellow. know screech owl days are numbered. who knows brown-skinned workers cruise by pick-up trucks. their long cash beer runs smile cashiers do understand them. earth plowed under is common denominator. hawk heron. birds as metaphor. yes dogwood temporal. press against bark say number three. once there boy walked out unnamed stars field made muddy walking. mud still pure. if he kept walking beyond lights patios left on old men women unable warehouses stunning dark manned skeleton crews parking lots lit no good reason then be winter snow fly up into brightness there. notes loss daylight. crosses street caution. hair seldom sits right. sing early mornings. crows stand trees. trust these matter. spiders drift eternity. 84130 re mis match asher dear yoly-- thanks for commenting much appreciated. asher- there's always to take in when reading your work. i don't pretend get it all. normally come back and have several reads. do like word choice here enjoyed the journey vision. wish could offer more. peace yoly 84131 re the third secret of fatima ctg christopher t george chris i can't get this to format it way hear it--and frankly i'm almost certain you'd never go for formatting about suggest---but what heck it's a workshop right i'll toss idea up so you can shoot down. smile heard poem in long lines. wanted whole first sentence be one line. your short lines make read very hiccupy i'd definitely consider lengthening bit. gosh that pic pope makes me sad. he looked young photo full vim and vigor. laurel lucia de jesus dos santos last three see virgin died at ninety-seven after her friends flu eighteen. tiny sister met meaty polish pope. ten years an assassin's bullet tore through his guts assured our lady had saved him as foretold lucia's vision sainted bells rang from oak spoke on sun's wind speaking all time. thanks laurel. actually written longer but mustansir dalvi persuaded break it. do thank input interest my best 84132 re the third secret of fatima ctg christopher t george - this is crafted well. i think last lines are problematic because issues intent mixed in with issue craft. what craft would they be that you find if meant seriously then they're lousy. a real down bummer coming after came before. interested to see others may say this. david halitsky 84133 re home with no gable rewrite sbern the tongue is attempting a syllogism when body disassembles itself ... aristotle's first second or third-- and in what mode if trying for deduction while at same time inducting poetry category errors obtain matter. since two inductions can disassemble induction assemble de- duction simultaneity. does not obey laws of physics good sense. i want to say it-- orient express goes through brazil into peru. take my out body-- yet part closed system words are air . but some critics claim soon many will declare as integral lungs. just don't know how house be roofed without gable-- somewhere so rain run off. maybe it's flat roof trailer house-- then front elevated foot tilts backyard. sometimes read poem feel should have spent reading horace. every write neglect useful branch study. imagine hannah after one efforts saying aloud why didn't up copy dequincey's essays learn something-- all. peacock said there enough poems al- ready written last lifetime ones too thomas love 1785-1866. from four ages 1820. apologies. i'll do critiquing on weekend. rooms this house. exterior mortar brick coverings. must form encapsulate deduct this. organs within walls here. wall. plenitude space between trust ceiling caving in. hallway dark it because willow tree casting shadow don t intestinal only interior twist ing wind noise static rooms. dark. where borders meeting opening never sepal place could prayer. he build worlds intersect. collapsing fiction narrative. language movement crawling stories. neither hinge driven mother father land. larvae lacuna room stone s throw away floor has light fixtures bulb that buzzing. almost crossing threshold perception door forever being cleansed. window box petunias non-existent. lying bed. shadow. wall border falling somebody vomits. 84134 re home with no gable rewrite ag thanks for reading this mr. bern. i shouldn't have posted it as belongs to another longer piece and most of doesn't make much sense outside that context...but confusion bewilderment may be a good indictation am getting somewhere when seen in the larger context piece. i'm not so interested creating philosophy know very little philosophy. however perhaps house can ideas or exists also realm space an intersection time is asymmetrical. narrative itself kind language assuredly creates ontology. notions like without could comment on historical dialogue going text my case canadian attempts anne green gables. dunno. your comments great deal though. one frustrating. horace probably too easy you - ashbury best regards dear sir tongue attempting syllogism body disassembles ... aristotle's first second third-- what mode if trying deduction while at same inducting poetry category errors obtain matter. since two inductions disassemble induction assemble de- duction simultaneity. does obey laws physics sense. want say it-- orient express goes through brazil into peru. take out body-- yet part closed system words are air . but some critics claim soon many will declare integral lungs. just don't how roofed gable-- rain run off. maybe it's flat roof trailer house-- then front elevated foot tilts backyard. sometimes read poem feel should spent horace. every write neglect useful branch study. imagine hannah after efforts saying aloud why didn't up copy dequincey's essays learn something-- all. peacock said there enough poems al- ready written last lifetime ones thomas love 1785-1866. from four ages 1820. sbern 84135 re variation by cavafy on a theme of tarrega's asher hi david-- just general note. if you're attempting to link poem broader context perhaps the reader does derserve have doesn't go beyond that in turns language linguistic suprises. so could use some subtext from misreading it or placing into new context. i agree with hannah's critique not because we form sort fan club here but she picks at images myself found undigested body which show energy and promise imho. my one cent is writer shouldn't assume unless there very good feats will be interested going listed cross referencing poem. should able opinion speak for itself. ag you weep like woman what failed defend man - ayxa la horra mother boabdil upon seeing her vanquished son crying last sight he would ever their beloved alhambra. when his mind clear can recall day hour heard melody float him breeze history faint only feel it. fingers pluck bedclothes broken spasms arpeggios pulgar indicio medio annular tremolo wrote them now. wants tell little sisters do know rosaries used guitar-strings all manage slow adagio tears through thinks hears how womanlike weakling appears. http www.underthesun.cc classics irving alhambrathe alhambrathe18.html 84136 re mis match metz ah. the question becomes who average reader is. is your intended audience a small fraction of general population read poetry. that decent poetry -- i.e. something better than pulp stuff. would appreciate difficult and actually understand this poem. count me among semi-appreciators. i confess didn't even make it all way thru poem first time. tried sincerely. upon further attempts did managed an appreciation on macro level. diction style images pace eventually swept over to create pleasant transporting effect. they made let go. which imagine if not intent at least strong subintent. commend you for that. still seems too rareified undermines itself or masturbatory imho. good morning-- thanks comments. enjoy mattise line either certainly few lines need be sharpened. think syntax pacing space between are improvement say languish piece. dunno. provides little room interpretation reconstruction then fault yes grammar needs reworked some other issues. dunno about freudian self analysis bit that's interesting point i'll consider. see what can do. i'm sure it's easy everyone interpret. have background in stuff pc theory but meaning so obvious. maybe its...when there engagement mean say. maybe. hear from asher 84137 five women metz i haven t loved enough and one seem to sufficiently like none are pigeon-toed. this disturbs me. has threatened kill herself but never will. 2 routinely off themselves in poems. three who have not would bear my children. what they thinking four smoke. only now again over girly drinks. great ankles. it s impossible be ugly with the other isn either ankles notwith- standing. all 6 harm insufficiently love a bitch too good you. seven breasts on those west of akron. eight circles heck hoky poky d them through. nine kids aren mine. mess cats. 84138 re drowning in the sexy thing we do metz poem. but too much title is very good except that an unfortunate term given there's no water metaphor as usual some killer lines. when you learn to make best use of your lines and get rid clutter i gonna hell out way applaud. notes below. hot for sumatran stains -- rushing through it break day half where are excellent opening forgetting doesn't deserve it's own line ve been clutching a mug warm coffee cause m tickling memory feathery fingers on nape. carry . blue light shirtless come apartment. pedestrian line. him something more not than better even suite number or something. look amazed if behind me appears. yes. want these r gaze trickle s brown french roast my pink-button blouse. smile silence ally. hook onto belt loop jeans forget forewords our unfolding. all king move checkers by kissing vacancy neck while teasing off damp shirt. java up off. 84139 re variation by cavafy on a theme of tarrega's david halitsky asher - we can certainly agree to respectively disagree this point. it always amuses me that certain knowledge sports statistics is considered entry fee for conversations had while bending an elbow whereas everyone participate in discussions poetry. strange huh 84140 variation by cavafy on a theme of tarrega's rev david halitsky revision x i spurred my horse to the summit rock where boabdil uttered his last sorrowful exclamation as he turned eyes from taking their farewell gaze it is still denominated el ultimo suspiro del moro sigh moor . who can wonder at anguish being expelled such kingdom and an abode with alhambra seemed be yielding up all honors line glories delights life. was here too that affliction embittered reproach mother ayxa had so often assisted him in times peril vainly sought instil into her own resolute spirit. you do well said she weep woman over what could not defend man speech savoring more pride princess than tenderness mother. washington irving http www.underthesun.cc classics alhambrathe alhambrathe18.html mind clear - recall day hour heard melody float breeze history faint hardly felt all. left-hand spavined fretless clasp right flails arpeggios pulgar indicio medio annular tremolo wrote beyond grasp. wants ask little sister know rosaries fingers used tell gut silver but manage adagio tears through which hears laughing how womanlike weakling son appears. users.hol.gr barbanis god forsakes antony constantine p. 1911 when suddenly midnight invisible troupe passing exquisite music shouts -- your fortune fails now works have failed plans life out illusions mourn vain. if long prepared courageous bid alexandria leaving. above fooled yourself dream ears deceived stoop vain hopes. becomes been worthy city approach window firm step emotion entreaties complaints coward enjoyment listen sounds instruments mystical are losing. notes poem refers plutarch's story besieged octavian voices made its way then passed bacchus dionysus antony's protector deserting him. 84141 re five women david halitsky metz - i confess am learning from you. 1 adopt a flat plainspeak voice and diction 2 mix in just the right amount of post-everything sardonic archness being sure to indicate with subtle cues that you can't possibly mean what piece is saying at face value 3 most importantly talk about yourself. thanks for another lesson how much was again 84142 re home with no gable rewrite david halitsky asher - you didn't have to apologize. new poem was posted by in this thread. 84143 re home with no gable rewrite derekw i'm not so much interested in creating philosophy i know very little philosophy. however perhaps a house can be of ideas or as it exists also the realm space and an intersection time that is asymmetrical. narrative itself kind language most assuredly creates ontology ... dear sir your are good but too late. poets far better than you have already explored these same concepts thus above huge cliche. must this order to write publishable poetry. if don't want do just populate poetry boards then problems. my advice take workshop one online. learn how realize return board amaze everyone verve originality. luck dw 84144 re five women hannah metz- hey i admit was hoping to see the other one. but ll take what can get. not being particularly won-over by this. mean. think it s missing edge that you usually have where poem deepens into something else allusions and elisions act as a sort of slide-rule measure irony or fear desire. there are few points almost promises this departure careful balance for instance between irrelevant details like ankles girly drinks slightly-more sinister ones who threaten kill themselves harm narrator eight circles heck . hardest part me reading tone here. extent is satirizing himself his situation he forthright does glib categorization dismiss real feeling cloaking device b an actual characteristic c kept waiting go over edge. know. one only loved when had feathers imprisoned her father in bronze tower transformed bear. held back. could be wrong. m often good read your work. -h 84145 re home with no gable rewrite hannah there are pubs that eat this sort of thing up. i should imagine you would have trouble placing in the contemporary american market. realize don't care about these things but go anyway. joke is course it's impossible to actually reinvent wheel--once cultural memory wheel exists. one can suppose riff endlessly. thought was like bachelard colliding jung hallway. resulting bump on head features constructs both without conclusions either. or something that. any case as most your offerings interesting. -h 84146 re home with no gable rewrite asher ok. thanks for commenting. ag i'm not so much interested in dear sir your ideas are good but a little too late. poets far better than you have already explored these same concepts ... thus the above is huge cliche. must know this order to write publishable poetry. if don't want do that just populate poetry boards then problems. my advice take workshop perhaps one online. learn how realize and return board amaze everyone verve originality. luck dw 84147 re variation by cavafy on a theme of tarrega's r christopher t george hi david i admire that you are willing to tap into something has written. the other hand what have provided seems weighed down baggage comes with it need reference both and washington irving for reader get driving at. neither do find written especially interesting or lucid. his left-hand spavined in fretless clasp -- does mean is spavin even verb n swelling hock joint horse resulting lameness exactly pulgar indicio medio annular adagio tears across as overly romantic. sorry but can't too excited this. chris revision x spurred my summit rock where boabdil uttered last sorrowful exclamation he turned eyes from taking their farewell gaze still denominated el ultimo suspiro del moro sigh moor . who can wonder at anguish being expelled such kingdom an abode alhambra seemed be yielding up all honors line glories delights life. was here affliction embittered reproach mother ayxa had so often assisted him times peril vainly sought instil her own resolute spirit. well said she weep woman over could not defend man speech savoring more pride princess than tenderness mother. http www.underthesun.cc classics alhambrathe alhambrathe18.html mind clear - recall day hour heard melody float breeze history faint hardly felt all. right flails arpeggios tremolo wrote beyond grasp. wants ask little sister know rosaries fingers used tell gut silver manage through which hears laughing how womanlike weakling son appears. users.hol.gr barbanis god forsakes antony constantine p. 1911 when suddenly midnight invisible troupe passing exquisite music shouts your fortune fails now works failed plans life out illusions mourn vain. if long prepared courageous bid alexandria leaving. above fooled yourself dream ears deceived stoop vain hopes. becomes been worthy city approach window firm step emotion entreaties complaints coward enjoyment listen sounds instruments mystical losing. notes poem refers plutarch's story besieged octavian voices made its way then passed bacchus dionysus antony's protector deserting him. 84148 re home with no gable rewrite asher ok. thanks for commenting. ag - you didn't have to apologize. new poem was posted by in this thread. david halitsky 84149 re home with no gable rewrite ag i have interest in reinventing anything but myself - take care there are pubs that eat this sort of thing up. should imagine you would trouble placing the contemporary american market. realize don't about these things go anyway. joke is course it's impossible to actually reinvent wheel--once cultural memory wheel exists. one can suppose riff endlessly. thought was like bachelard colliding jung hallway. resulting bump on head features constructs both without conclusions either. or something that. any case as most your offerings interesting. -h 84150 re mis match ag metz-- thanks for your interesting honest comments. i don't agree that poetry which becomes rarefied not sure if is the correct word masturabatory. in fact think most publishable masturabatory as formalist constructed doing just what you say appealing to an audience. get enough hits on poems know it a self indulgent endevour. couldn't care less people understood understanding means very little me my own way of reading text world. nothing ever and presume create elicit evoke or invoke are farcical. have intended write appeal construct myself voice around such notion. i'll leave formalists. ah. question who average reader is. audience small fraction general population read poetry. decent -- i.e. something better than pulp stuff. would appreciate difficult actually understand this poem. count among semi-appreciators. confess didn't even make all thru poem first time. tried sincerely. upon further attempts did managed appreciation macro level. diction style images pace eventually swept over pleasant transporting effect. they made let go. imagine intent at least strong subintent. commend that. still seems too rareified undermines itself masturbatory imho. metz 84151 re variation by cavafy on a theme of tarrega's r david halitsky ctg - pulgar indicio medio annular are spanish for thumb index finger middle ring finger. the abbreviations p i m used to denote right-hand fingering in classical guitar sheet-music. took liberties with true meaning spavined get sp sound obvious reasons. but not too many as you can see from http dictionary.reference.com search q yes am also sure that could excited about this one. thanks taking time respond. 84152 re home with no gable rewrite asher the bove poem being cliche. i wrote a response to sn berne detailing one theme in this which is not exculsive. rather it broad and general theme. already know that publishabe so have need for such affirmations determine whether good original original-- originality over rated my opinion. of course ideas like been explored. there was an excellent posted on site written by french chap reiterated reexplored krotesch's idea grid. he even used word about 3 times. read skeptic came back 3-4 times began see had taken strain thought made his own. since any poems poets philosophers who write place consider myself privledged without those various lens if don't admit possibility cultural memory. how would poetry workshop make me better poet find notion silly be honest. why different conception then say bachelard whom only hearsay . because explores syntax turns repetition psychotic states within brain borders between places. these places are where assembled disassembled metaphysical instability replicated via quick etc philosopher assume as liberating experience. you comparing other same thinking am trying striving emulate them that's your loss. very best ag i'm much interested dear sir but little too late. far than explored concepts ... thus above huge must order publishable poetry. want do just populate boards problems. advice take perhaps online. learn realize return board amaze everyone verve originality. luck dw 84153 re mornings with ethan si mon thanks barbara -- i know often the edits do are more for sound and so might lose parts of story that needed. pointing this out. --s. like revision but i'd keep paper plate looking spider babies flavor. just my take. --barbara s. 84154 re variation by cavafy on a theme of tarrega's r annmarie eldon i love that you have used spavined - it is inspired but look are good writer simply do not need to prove yourself with all the filler. my suggestion s keep simple and inventive. at times his mind clear he can recall day hour heard melody float him breeze history so faint as hardly be felt all. left-hand in fretless clasp right flails arpeggios pulgar indicio medio annular tremolo wrote beyond their grasp. wants ask little sister know what rosaries fingers tell gut silver manage last adagio tears through which hears mother laughing how woman like her weakling son appears. eg 'pulgar' 'annular' 'their' quite for ends make grasp 84155 re five women annmarie eldon damn you got me looking at my ankles. shame on you... 84156 re five women bowen i like this but think you have to toss out bitch because the way read tone is more soft and word just seems of place too hard-edged for this. strophe that begins standing . has a shift me. it loses happy-go-lucky hear before that. hope helps. a. haven t loved enough one seem sufficiently none are pigeon-toed. disturbs threatened kill herself never will. 2 routinely off themselves in poems. three who not would bear my children. what they thinking four smoke. only now again over girly drinks. great ankles. s impossible be ugly with other isn either ankles notwith- standing. all 6 harm insufficiently love good you. seven breasts on those west akron. eight circles heck hoky poky d them through. nine kids aren mine. mess cats. 84157 re mis match asher dear metz-- look--i suppose its just a matter of taste and sensibility. but i think responded to your point focusing in on mastuabatory. probably all writing most is that. one has write the way their mind works. can't formalist poetry or which appeals because am not never will be strict constructivist. admire attempt assemple reality words around themes consider effort rational logical stance against unconscious forces. sort freudian so when read poem written for an audience catered hear only nuances ego notion that there simply voice publishable must adhere syntactical grammatical rhythmic notions voice. itself would kill me. best work having tried appealing manner represents who what place constant recreation revision rethinking. dunno. that's kind i'm interested reading at this although attempts implement structure poems find breaks through underneath non-structure as though also perhaps under chaos static. faith keeps me intent going deeper into language--perhaps discover construct. honestly don't know. thank you considering offering generous insight thanks interesting honest comments. agree becomes rarefied sure if correct word masturabatory. fact masturabatory constructed doing say audience. get enough hits know it self indulgent endevour. couldn't care less people understood understanding means very little my own text world. nothing ever presume create elicit evoke invoke are farcical. have intended appeal construct myself such notion. i'll leave formalists. ah. question 84158 re five women dmjones mr. halitsky a belated welcome to the block. regarding your comments metz i would hope you apply new found knowledge next poem - may even come with piece worth second reading and perhaps comment or two. sense real talent here so make it simple. surprise yourself results. is just words. regards confess am learning from you. 1 adopt flat plainspeak voice diction 2 mix in right amount of post-everything sardonic archness being sure indicate subtle cues that can't possibly mean what saying at face value 3 most importantly talk about yourself. thanks for another lesson how much was again david 84159 re variation by cavafy on a theme of tarrega's r david halitsky annmarieeldon thanks for the kind words and suggestions. meter had to be strict ip with perhaps few substitutions inasmuch as this was rewritten from original in order qualify submission deep end at eratosphere. far moving around - i cannot do anything affect chaotic but obvious rhyme-scheme i.e. piece is now quite clear what meant rhyme. scheme deliberate would obscured your changes. anyway again crit. indicated being marked revision not put out here finished immune there are some things that integral conceived. best regards 84160 re variation by cavafy on a theme of tarrega's r david halitsky revision x 1 sorry - one more word exchange flails affects in s2 while customer service is still open at times his mind clear he can recall the day and hour heard that melody float him breeze history so faint as hardly to be felt all. left hand spavined fretless clasp right arpeggios pulgar indicio medio annular tremolo no longer their grasp. wants ask little sister do you know what rosaries my fingers used tell gut silver pulgar. but all manage last adagio tears through which hears mother laughing with how womanlike her weakling son appears. 84161 an inventive piece for anne marie eldon david halitsky 10110111000110110000000. the final naught is my mother's uncle avram who hobo'd it to russia and some years later sailed from vladivostok otherwise he would have been a '1'. even i mongrel only matrilineally pure am allowed share this sacred numerology like learned levite teaching madonna kabala. 84162 re variation by cavafy on a theme of tarrega's r christopher t george ctg - pulgar indicio medio annular are spanish for thumb index finger middle ring finger. okay the abbreviations p i m used to denote right-hand fingering in classical guitar sheet-music. again clever. but maybe too esoteric took liberties with true meaning spavined get sp sound obvious reasons. not many as you can see from http dictionary.reference.com search q which takes us spav ined adj. afflicted spavin horse. marked damage deterioration or ruin junkyard full vehicles. am assume that he has damaged hand like horse yes also sure could excited about this one. thanks taking time respond. david halitsky 84163 re variation by cavafy on a theme of tarrega's r david halitsky ctg - you write which takes us to spav ined adj. afflicted with spavin spavined horse. marked damage deterioration or ruin junkyard full vehicles. am i assume that he has damaged hand like horse find your reading the definition yourself cite be selective. did writer wished readers think vehicles in as having appendages e.g. mirrors antennae hooves regard esotericism here's my cut. unless are shooting have stuff read some future garrison keillor writer's almanac gotta what write. thanks again for taking time respond. 84164 re variation by cavafy on a theme of tarrega's r christopher t george ctg - you write which takes us to spav ined adj. afflicted with spavin spavined horse. marked damage deterioration or ruin junkyard full vehicles. am i assume that he has damaged hand like horse find your reading the definition yourself cite be selective. did writer wished readers think vehicles in as having appendages e.g. mirrors antennae hooves no not although inference is cars are so then how does fit into what saying poem regard esotericism here's my cut. unless shooting have stuff read some future garrison keillor writer's almanac gotta write. thanks again for taking time respond. david halitsky 84165 sigh hannah me too i can't decide sort of like 'em but they're bony mine not ann-marie's. i'm sure hers are beeyootiful. 84166 re variation by cavafy on a theme of tarrega's r david halitsky ctg - the definition seems to admit an extended meaning simply damaged. no 84167 flying bowen at first you think will be nice just breezy days along the blue horizon maybe sneaking in a cinema by zipping over heads of ticket-takers or stealing down street to take view blonde who prefers pancakes nude. would that gives excuse live like degenerate but it doesn t. start and world wants its you. expects not jerk-off porn houses make adult films anyone fuck these . don t even about going past tree without getting some kittens. moving from one place next. s more lying yourself when flinging free swinging see your feet out before earth won care enough stop 84168 re roofers christopher t george note there is a long thread at qed poetry relevant to this piece it in the question of taste section and entitled transparent rebus ... url for http www.qedpoetry.com before poem completely written out another house will go up down street roofed by guys who know what they're about some mexicans laugh southern us heat. i've never seen one bandaged buying beer - mistakes do not come naturally them except course that brought here from where they live our new jerusalem. it's like after vacation when you shake last sand your shoes on return these have made deal pick stakes step off ladders onto clay earth. life allowed me once i should vineyard winter laying glass hulls just get chance work with wood times shop had production lulls. while curved sweeps black molds idled drydocked memories avoided odysseus they'd tell saw four-by-fours cradles or something equally unskilled tedious. but sometimes though wood-shop foreman lee would crown lucky guy apprentice-for-the-day then give him required handling teak all ruined stock be deducted fom his pay. day my turn came gay head highschool boy deftness way above curriculum arrived part-time ready annoy anyone everyone skills were good. told kid cut simple cover hatch four sides bevel shallow curve laughing make its match if thought nerve. was sanding couple minutes later put away because he knew how little getting paid else needed left cabin doors. first night find exactly right stick sure see through. so am three decades lee's advice willing finally take since knew. don't think poem's prosody nice rhymes breaks syntax matching as hi david statement rendered absurd. fact rhyming inconsistent best. no exact rhyme achieved stanza-- kind -- line pay etc might also criticized. chris 84169 re an inventive piece for anne marie eldon bowen hey david. i don't mean any disrespect when say that think you should read the article on line breaks at gaz. did and it helped me understand how be done they can make a poem zing. this needs better breaks. example final naught is my mother's uncle avran who hoboed to russia sailed years later . see what really like learned levite. hope helps some. a. 10110111000110110000000. avram hobo'd some from vladivostok otherwise he would have been '1'. even mongrel only matrilineally pure am allowed share sacred numerology levite teaching madonna kabala. 84170 re an inventive piece for anne marie eldon david halitsky bowen - why would you want a poem to zing 84171 re roofers david halitsky ctg - you have misread the last couplet which speaks of how end-rhymes match with natural breaks in syntax not themselves nor themselves. but i want to thank for taking time comment since your here volumes about something. are first so far as know misinterpret meaning this piece. best regards 84172 re roofers christopher t george ctg - you have misread the last couplet which speaks of how end-rhymes match with natural breaks in syntax not themselves nor themselves. but i want to thank for taking time comment since your here volumes about something. are first so far as know misinterpret meaning this piece. best regards david halitsky hi course right. my fault is that am reading poem and style. same cavafy poem. silly me. chris 84173 biting the hand laurel for years afterwards she fed forest saucers of soured milk bruised apples molded ends week-old bread and bowls cold porridge respectful its appetite a voracious mouth wide as hag s that never saw in herself except at night when her eyes would roll back head legs unhinged oven door gulp little boy to gag noise sounds like you re dying he d pant. meat stuffed could reply i am. remind it wasn t crone had tried swallow them. still every dawn was small miracle once upon time again girl opened pressed all long trying get find saucer dry bone bowl licked clean. not even crumb littered floor rosy cheeks were gone seeds core eaten. 84174 re an inventive piece for anne marie eldon bowen well dave i suppose then that what want from poems is not you want. call zing when the words resonate against one another and create their own kind of music whether it be a dirge symphony or r b. - why would poem to david halitsky 84175 re biting the hand bowen yes you know i'm going to ibpc this. this gets a little stick right here she fed forest remind herself it wasn t crone that had tried swallow them. still every dawn was small miracle once upon time again as girl opened door pressed all night so might want see if can get some of glue out but other than i think is winner. best ash for years afterwards saucers soured milk bruised apples molded ends week-old bread and bowls cold porridge respectful its appetite voracious mouth wide hag s never saw in except at when her eyes would roll back head legs unhinged oven gulp boy gag noise sounds like dying he d pant. meat stuffed could reply am. long trying find saucer dry bone bowl licked clean. not even crumb littered floor rosy cheeks were gone seeds core eaten. 84176 re an inventive piece for anne marie eldon david halitsky bowen - you speak of words creating their own kind music . surely do not believe that have absent the ear and head a listener if don't then issue is same as it has always been who's listening to what 84177 re roofers david halitsky ctg - you said had been silly not me. i guess you'd call that a reflexive ad hom. the readers of this thread can now decide how. regards 84178 re flying david halitsky bowen - personification gussied up in modernity is still the earth won t care enough to stop you. something think on no 84179 re biting the hand david halitsky laurel - issues of confessional obscurity aside here are false-notes i would look at. cold porridge voracious roll back in her head dawn was a small miracle once upon time again last four because they exactly what anyone think of. first is false-note you can't have your cake and eat it too. if really writing about some mixture goldilocks gretel then take this comment 'cold porridge' being false-note. but doubt are. 84180 re five women laurel i approach every poem with the hope belief that word contained therein serves a purpose is means to end of poem's whole. so. right off bat i'm scratching my head this yours wondering why heck speaker disturbed by lack pigeon-toed in his life. toed when was kid. it ain't pretty. bow-legged could understand. but lost on pigeon-toed. and akron tripped me up too. mississippi does choose rubber city as point demarcation meanwhile akron's 20 minutes down road--or since it's north here--from where sitting now didn't have problem b word--i'm at work believe they're watching keystroke--since seems befitting speaker's glib almost dismissive tone. hey actually term endearment here poem. friend who used affectionatelly call big ho. grin did line's execution which seemed oh don't know...not smooth. seven breasts west line made frown. felt too....i can't come word. too waving arms air shouting one 'em had breast cancer mastectomy going say mess cats like cliche then reconsidered. figuring referring both pets these well as....well um women. pussycats. ahem. finally---i know shut already dodge---i gotta any makes little. googled god love google 8 circles hell found much surprise those are guilty lustful carnal behavior level 2 while pimps panderers seducers flatters sublevels circle 8. hmmmm. here's link incidentally. kinda neat see broken all nice an illustration http www.wsu.edu alake the_circles_of_hell.htm not metz. doesn't feel your usual snuff. funny coming from everyone's been telling lately nothing i've posting has shutting now. ankles great alas. bony hannah's. thought were bony. smile guess ya begrudgingly guy says if only because he's focused more obvious oft-praised assets. voice how you continue explore easily liked sucker for curmudgeon---ever read colin dexter crush mean old morse character . glibness usually disguise longing ache...although here...i'm picking so much. 84181 poem with aftertaste or who cut the cheese j. formaggio g.k. chesterton believes poets have been mysteriously silent on subject of cheese. a cultural conspiracy. no gouda publishers perhaps. here s my slice swiss you re never too sure what missed. i expect best minds generation to soon wheel rhymes fermenting different kinds pasterurized not ambert brie colby doolin edam feta gorgonzola couldn t resist havarti makes me farty iberico juustoleipa kugelkase just in case limburger punch line needed munster mash nantais orla provolone eat alone quark ricotta string tala ubriaco vignette wigmore xynotyro zamorano although believe heaven sent am lactose intolerant. reader know keats do love curds and unstressed beats. 84182 re poem with aftertaste or who cut the cheese david halitsky j formaggio whey to go 84183 should be pasteurized of course nm j. formaggio 84184 re biting the hand j. formaggio some slight cuts were i think you went a word too far. thought meat stuffed in her mouth -- was much. don't need to tell response am and small miracle overkill overwise this is good poem should check out of fred chappell's book first last words. for years afterwards she fed forest saucers soured milk bruised apples molded ends week-old bread bowls cold porridge respectful its appetite voracious wide as hag s that never saw herself except at night when eyes would roll back head legs unhinged oven door gulp little boy gag noise sounds like dying he d pant. could reply . remind it wasn t crone had tried swallow them. still every dawn once upon time again girl opened pressed all long trying get find saucer dry bone bowl licked clean. not even crumb littered floor rosy cheeks gone seeds core eaten. 84185 re flying j. formaggio don't like the couplets here -- think you need to experiment with other arrangements exp didn't last line by itself. my only complaint is i repetition of at first was something that aided poem. otherwise fly a bird man. will be nice just breezy days along blue horizon maybe sneaking in cinema zipping over heads ticket-takers or stealing down street take view blonde who prefers pancakes nude. would gives excuse live degenerate but it doesn t. start and world wants its you. expects not jerk-off porn houses make adult films anyone fuck these . don t even about going past tree without getting some kittens. moving from one place next. s more lying yourself when flinging free swinging see your feet out before earth won care enough stop 84186 re five women j. formaggio well i have two of the finest ankles west mississippi only way can spell that river's name is if sing letters outloud while type it loved poem -- cept must add to chorus and say bitch was just a tad off wanted use in same sentence breasts tossed me for loop hey lucy . rest pure genius did right enjoyed haven t enough one seem sufficiently like none are pigeon-toed. this disturbs me. has threatened kill herself but never will. 2 routinely themselves poems. three who not would bear my children. what they thinking four smoke. now again over girly drinks. great ankles. s impossible be ugly with other isn either notwith- standing. all 6 harm insufficiently love too good you. seven on those akron. eight circles heck hoky poky d them through. nine kids aren mine. mess cats. 84187 re roofers christopher t george ctg - you said had been silly not me. i guess you'd call that a reflexive ad hom. the readers of this thread can now decide how. regards david halitsky hi frankly am waiting to see some quality poetry from you. have seen it yet. lot pontificating and pseudo-intellectualism but for post poem has it. i'll keep waiting. chris 84188 re poem with aftertaste or who cut the cheese soccer player running for office lol baggio 84189 re roofers david halitsky oh there you are i knew were in somewhere 84190 re roofers christopher t george oh there you are i knew were in somewhere david halitsky your poem to annmarie is better. if cut all the footnotes and references stuff elsewhere think would be better off. we want see it on page not have go off figure out what about. chris 84191 adventures in neverland ctg christopher t george olga the kgb agent eats a choc ice as she studies times crossword doodles answer to 24 down theda silent screen vixen pretends not see cyril of mi5 past peter pan statue by frampton sir with its fairies squirrels and rabbits hero stands blowing his horn. gnaws on cadbury flake dreams unhooking olga's bra fingers albert hall tickets while humming nessun dorma. t. 84192 re roofers david halitsky ctg - if you are saying as a member of the editorial staff that do not wish me posting certain types poems at twb please be direct about it. otherwise chacun son gout. ne c'est pas 84193 re roofers christopher t george ctg - if you are saying as a member of the editorial staff that do not wish me posting certain types poems at twb please be direct about it. otherwise chacun son gout. ne c'est pas david halitsky hi can post what like. i'm just giving some advice. hannah wrote following this poem-- i say had particularly positive interaction with poem it bounces rather dramatically between conceptual affects one might describe bell-curve-ish to confessional-style mandates officious moralizing weird combination urban 'fronting' and goofy rhyme there end. in my book most stuff doesn't really work. reaction is very similar cavafy come too much baggage them we have read off-site approach talking about. should able by themselves without having manual on how them. why your annmarie more accessible least would like see here. opinion only. best regards chris 84194 re roofers david halitsky ctg - i didn't want to get into it with hannah after she wrote that because chris potter at gaz had just dinged me for over-argumentativeness. still don't. suffices say some folks the piece exactly as was intended and all what more can one ask regards 84195 re drowning in the sexy thing we do yoly thank you dear ash muchly appreciated. peace one of your best piece. i left a full crit over at dmr. 84196 re drowning in the sexy thing we do yoly metz- seems like with me it's either too little or much poem. gotta get that fixed. i appreciate your fiddling this as there are tips you give think i'd to use if don't mind. apartment sounds pedestrian but my intent was lady be impulsive. put him a hotel suite he is expecting her. i'll it over. yeah could drop excesses and not traumatized. coffee definition. suggestions welcomed. thank you.. hold tight for applause. peace title very good except an unfortunate term given there's no water metaphor usual some killer lines. when learn make best of lines rid clutter gonna hell out way applaud. notes below. hot sumatran stains -- metz doesn't deserve own line line. something more than come better apartment. even number something. smile 84197 re five women yoly metz- so i'm checking out my ankles which is funny cause i've had them for quite some time i know what they look like.. anyway why does it disturb the speaker that none of are pigeon-toed um too think bitch whack. rest enjoyable as most your stuff is. peace haven t loved enough and one seem to sufficiently like pigeon-toed. this disturbs me. has threatened kill herself but never will. 2 routinely off themselves in poems. three who have not would bear children. thinking four smoke. only now again over girly drinks. great ankles. s impossible be ugly with other isn either notwith- standing. all 6 harm insufficiently love a good you. seven breasts on those west akron. eight circles heck hoky poky d through. nine kids aren mine. mess cats. 84198 re adventures in neverland ctg david halitsky chris - what's the kgb a crossword silent screen mi5 who's peter pan what is albert hall nessum dorma it's doubtful you'd post piece solely to kid me so i feel compelled ask you who are kidding how can assume familiarity with all above references on part of your readers other hand if this posted then i'm very touched and flattered. puzzled 84199 re five women metz david halitsky -- talk about myself for all your book-larnin you make the pretty adolescent error of equating speaker with poet first person confessionalism. you'll be a when can pluck voice from my hand glasshoppa. p.s. how much come to packers game me and we'll call it even. - i confess am learning you. 1 adopt flat plainspeak diction 2 mix in just right amount post-everything sardonic archness being sure indicate subtle cues that can't possibly mean what piece is saying at face value 3 most importantly yourself. thanks another lesson was again 84200 re five women metz rats. a goal of this poem was to win over in spite it all. as laurel notes below the speaker is not particularly loveable. i like goofing around with that concept. case others past trying audience despite unloveability by making him fun and engaging clever. kind poor man's richard iii thing. occurs me too little poetry creates voice risks reader do exactly what mr. david halitsky did -- equate poet negatively speaker. poets want be loved. now then they'll self-deprecating but let's face self-deprecation only enhances loveability. when they create other negative or ugly voices often leave clear footprints distinguish between themselves created voice. so. there's also bit reflexivity going on. don't know if that's right word. just writer that'd at once while being dick wouldn't self-conscious fact he's been these are thinking makes you wrong. probably right. all ankles bony some bones way better than others. metz- hey admit hoping see one. ll take can get. won-over this. mean. think s missing edge usually have where deepens into something else allusions elisions act sort slide-rule measure irony fear desire. there few points almost promises departure careful balance for instance irrelevant details girly drinks slightly-more sinister ones who threaten kill harm narrator eight circles heck . hardest part reading tone here. extent satirizing himself his situation he forthright does glib categorization dismiss real feeling cloaking device b an actual characteristic c kept waiting go edge. know. one loved had feathers imprisoned her father bronze tower transformed bear. held back. could m good read your work. -h 84201 re five women metz no shame on you. i'm looking at baseball digest. wait. you're not catholic. me neither. necessary then. -- damn you got my ankles. you... annmarie 84202 re five women metz might have to bury the bitch. was trying undermine speaker's appeal. probably went too far. it does help know. thanks. -- i like this but think you toss out bitch because way read tone is more soft and word just seems of place hard-edged for this. strophe that begins standing . has a shift me. loses happy-go-lucky hear before that. hope helps. a. bowen 84203 re five women metz curmudgeon crusher -- what i said to hannah. plus every word contained therein serves a purpose she says. this isn't the edgar allan poe school of poetry. speaker has thing for pigeon-toed because and only readers will hope immediately like who women. why akron precisely it's not mississippi or mason dixon. even peoria. guess recent election might have played role in making me choose burg ohio touchstone fucking world. 7 breasts. no idea how much more indirectly could reference mastectomy without being annoyingly coy than saying that collection contains an odd number if you got any ideas let know. fascintating exercise would be trying figure out which two circles heck they did hoky poky thru. bingo cats. do turn yourself around. that's all about approach poem with belief is means end poem's whole. so. right off bat i'm scratching my head yours wondering disturbed by lack his life. toed when was kid. it ain't pretty. bow-legged understand. but lost on pigeon-toed. tripped up too. does rubber city as point demarcation meanwhile akron's 20 minutes down road--or since north here--from where sitting now didn't problem b word--i'm at work believe they're watching keystroke--since seems befitting speaker's glib almost dismissive tone. hey actually term endearment here poem. friend used affectionatelly call big ho. grin line's execution seemed oh don't know...not smooth. seven breasts west line made frown. felt too....i can't come word. too waving arms air shouting one 'em had breast cancer going say mess cats cliche then reconsidered. figuring referring both pets these well as....well um pussycats. ahem. finally---i know shut already dodge---i gotta makes little. googled god love google 8 hell found surprise those are guilty lustful carnal behavior level 2 while pimps panderers seducers flatters sublevels circle 8. hmmmm. here's link incidentally. kinda neat see broken nice illustration http www.wsu.edu alake the_circles_of_hell.htm metz. doesn't feel your usual snuff. funny coming from everyone's been telling lately nothing i've posting shutting now. ankles great alas. bony hannah's. thought were bony. smile ya begrudgingly guy says he's focused obvious oft-praised assets. voice continue explore easily liked sucker curmudgeon---ever read colin dexter crush mean old morse character . glibness usually disguise longing ache...although here...i'm picking so much. laurel 84204 re five women metz curmudgeon crusher -- what i said to hannah. plus every word contained therein serves a purpose she says. this isn't the edgar allan poe school of poetry. speaker has thing for pigeon-toed because and only readers will hope immediately like who women. why akron precisely it's not mississippi or mason dixon. even peoria. guess recent election might have played role in making me choose burg ohio touchstone fucking world. 7 breasts. no idea how much more indirectly could reference mastectomy without being annoyingly coy than saying that collection contains an odd number if you got any ideas let know. fascintating exercise would be trying figure out which two circles heck they did hoky poky thru. bingo cats. do turn yourself around. that's all about approach poem with belief is means end poem's whole. so. right off bat i'm scratching my head yours wondering disturbed by lack his life. toed when was kid. it ain't pretty. bow-legged understand. but lost on pigeon-toed. tripped up too. does rubber city as point demarcation meanwhile akron's 20 minutes down road--or since north here--from where sitting now didn't problem b word--i'm at work believe they're watching keystroke--since seems befitting speaker's glib almost dismissive tone. hey actually term endearment here poem. friend used affectionatelly call big ho. grin line's execution seemed oh don't know...not smooth. seven breasts west line made frown. felt too....i can't come word. too waving arms air shouting one 'em had breast cancer going say mess cats cliche then reconsidered. figuring referring both pets these well as....well um pussycats. ahem. finally---i know shut already dodge---i gotta makes little. googled god love google 8 hell found surprise those are guilty lustful carnal behavior level 2 while pimps panderers seducers flatters sublevels circle 8. hmmmm. here's link incidentally. kinda neat see broken nice illustration http www.wsu.edu alake the_circles_of_hell.htm metz. doesn't feel your usual snuff. funny coming from everyone's been telling lately nothing i've posting shutting now. ankles great alas. bony hannah's. thought were bony. smile ya begrudgingly guy says he's focused obvious oft-praised assets. voice continue explore easily liked sucker curmudgeon---ever read colin dexter crush mean old morse character . glibness usually disguise longing ache...although here...i'm picking so much. laurel 84205 re five women metz if you have fine ankles don't need to spell mississippi without singing. as long can gorgonzola moving your lips. i mean with. thanks for enjoying a tad -- well two of the finest west only way that river's name is sing letters outloud while type it loved poem cept must add chorus and say bitch was just off wanted use in same sentence breasts tossed me loop hey lucy . rest pure genius did right enjoyed 84206 re five women amy the 7 breasts. i have no idea how much more indirectly could reference a mastectomy without being annoyingly coy than saying that collection of contains an odd number if you got any ideas let me know. m-- one's cups are half empty --a 84207 re five women metz i think out of whack should be officially recognized as a definitive critical term. it's tons better than cognitively dissonant and crap like that. perfect. your anti-bitch vote is duly recorded may well acted upon. thanks for reading commenting. -- metz- so i'm checking my ankles which funny cause i've had them quite some time know what they look like.. anyway why does it disturb the speaker that none are pigeon-toed um too bitch whack. rest enjoyable most stuff is. peace yoly 84208 re an inventive piece for anne marie eldon annmarie i suggest some more workable line breaks - that is not necessarily those you might find at gaz or ones wot zing but simply suggestions this poem as on the page 10110111000110110000000. final naught my mother's uncle avram who hobo'd it to russia and years later sailed from vladivostok otherwise he would have been a '1'. even mongrel only matrilineally pure am allowed share sacred numerology like learned levite teaching madonna kabala. oh wanted also say general rule it's probably gonna get 'job' done me if don't involved in conversations about nature of 'poetry' generally 'poems' stick what actually written. there last count several millions pages come up one keys google great deal will be poetry trying right stuff written 'about' poetry. there's no such thing 'good' thank god we'd all go heaven stop wasting time around here. 'we' job do so works lighten take chin try stay specific your particular poem. rearranged because looked readable 'page' had typed form book front different eye it. dedication. may ask significance title any which love btw. friday best ps snowing here rare usually has soggy mouldy yuk crap falling sky just very picturesque typically english snowy-scene 84209 gotcha annmarie eldon metz actually i am catholic - have been baptised just a year coming this easter so still no shame 'we' catholics at least us converts 'original' sin which marks our difference to god only not 'sin' would associate with the protestant work ethic kind. ankles are god's gift human kind and as such like food wine far can tell most other physical aspects of world be enjoyed. if anyone wants tackle me on guilt neo-calvinistic type then don't bother it i'm about acquire now. however enlighten how baseball is enjoyed oh either. you. looking digest. wait. you're catholic. neither. necessary then. -- 84210 re an inventive piece for anne marie eldon david halitsky ann - thanks taking the time to respond. i will take suggestions about line breaks seriously should this see any further exposure. title is 6 000 in binary rather than decimal representation. regards 84211 re five women david halitsky metz - what was that beatles song about the walrus i is no matter which way you slice it that's where my point 2 comes into play. but can see how took 3 in a didn't intend so apologize for not communicating better. yeah sounds pretty good. got cousin twin cities maybe some day. best regards 84212 re adventures in neverland ctg christopher t george chris - what's the kgb a crossword silent screen mi5 who's peter pan what is albert hall nessum dorma it's doubtful you'd post piece solely to kid me so i feel compelled ask you who are kidding how can assume familiarity with all above references on part of your readers other hand if this posted then i'm very touched and flattered. puzzled david halitsky funny man. presumably educated. maybe need footnote everything as do. like give some credit my know am talking about. 84213 re adventures in neverland ctg david halitsky - funny yeah. like mack the knife. which i just twisted. you lose and badly. meaning so it's really all a matter of what one chooses to expect one's audience familiarity with mass culture references or high both. no 84214 re variation by cavafy on a theme of tarrega's r annmarie eldon well this is better without the tomes 'supporting' eveidence. however sometimes poem because it fights its form. and there something to be said for fact that fine if you're gonna write form competition then go ahead do your best. but hasn't either been done death or simply device which shows poet can stick bit high-school-ish not comment poetry in general i suggested was get into to. so you want start discussion over at p n i'm with ya. best revision x 1 sorry - one more word exchange flails affects s2 while customer service still open times his mind clear he recall day hour heard melody float him breeze history faint as hardly felt all. left hand spavined fretless clasp right arpeggios pulgar indicio medio annular tremolo no longer their grasp. wants ask little sister know what rosaries my fingers used tell gut silver pulgar. all manage last adagio tears through hears mother laughing how womanlike her weakling son appears. 84215 re adventures in neverland ctg bowen chris some suggestions for you. olga the agent eats a choc ice as she studies crossword doodles theda to 24 down silent screen vixen. pretends not see cyril of mi5 past peter pan statue by frampton sir george with its fairies squirrels and rabbits hero blows his horn. gnaws cadbury flake dreams unhooking olga's bra fingers albert hall tickets hums nessun dorma. my fave piece yours but solid one just same. best ash 84216 re variation by cavafy on a theme of tarrega's r david halitsky ann marie - thank you for the kind-er words seriously. with respect to choosing recast this piece strictly i did so particular reason. although reason is germane only in an e-sphere deepend context it does not consist solely demonstrating that can write spec . without unfairly asking read qed thread rebuses fairly ask consider how rhyme-scheme decays s1 and s2 are abba if you'll handwave para- or off- rhyme melody history s3 different couplets again hand-wave para-rhyme do used s4 abab at last what was trying illustrate approaching death character actual deterioriation rhyme-scheme. such device would work unmetered form because result be kind nash-ian rhymes strict meter. hence metered form. yeah designed metric forum but make point about use within type namely one should feel free play achieve amplify rhetorical ends. thanks taking time comment further. 84217 re variation by cavafy on a theme of tarrega's r david halitsky last version posted to e-sphere deep end his death at times mind is clear - he can recall the day and hour heard that melody float him breeze history so faint as hardly be felt all. left hand spavined in fretless clasp right affects arpeggios pulgar indicio medio annular tremolo no longer grasp. wants ask little sister do you know what rosaries my fingers used tell gut silver pulgar. but all manage adagio tears through which hears mother say again her epigraph how womanlike weakling son appears. 84218 re variation by cavafy on a theme of tarrega's r annmarie eldon i do get the point that you are using rules to break rules. have started thread over at p n - used your name and poem title simply discussion going it's not based so please don't take offence. anyway join in if want. best 84219 re adventures in neverland ctg annmarie eldon chris i say screw the content. 'nastier' you get better. but lay off olga - know her personally and she also likes strawberry mivvy. 84220 re variation by cavafy on a theme of tarrega's r david halitsky ann marie - please forgive my ignorance which is embarassing me e'en as i type this. what p n can you give the url thanks for taking time to respond again about using rules break succinct and apt way put it imo. regards 84221 re biting the hand annmarie eldon i would only suggest looking at slightly too-clich d and perhaps cut it then it's purrfect for years afterwards she fed forest saucers of soured milk bruised apples molded ends week-old bread bowls cold porridge respectful its appetite a voracious mouth wide as hag s that never saw in herself except night when her eyes roll back head legs unhinged oven door gulp little boy to gag noise sounds like you dying he pant. meat stuffed could reply am. remind wasn t crone had tried swallow them. still every dawn was small miracle once upon time again girl opened pressed all long trying get find saucer dry bone bowl licked clean. not even crumb littered floor rosy cheeks were gone seeds core eaten. 84222 re adventures in neverland ctg christopher t george chris i say screw the content. 'nastier' you get better. but lay off olga - know her personally and she also likes strawberry mivvy. annmarie hi mean only to content was hoping for a bit more. . 84223 re adventures in neverland ctg christopher t george chris some suggestions for you. olga the agent eats a choc ice as she studies crossword doodles theda to 24 down silent screen vixen. pretends not see cyril of mi5 past peter pan statue by frampton sir with its fairies squirrels and rabbits hero blows his horn. gnaws cadbury flake dreams unhooking olga's bra fingers albert hall tickets hums nessun dorma. my fave piece yours but solid one just same. best ash thank i appreciate your input. 84224 re variation by cavafy on a theme of tarrega's r annmarie eldon p n - palaver and natter the block 'chat' go to top main index page second bar down you'll see stuff like engine feast ibpc these are all links. simply click whoosh be transported into heady mix politics hard core opinion our favourite recipes. no just kidding. i was around here for years before realised there 'another place' had ask... well rest is history. am 84225 re adventures in neverland ctg christopher t george - funny yeah. like mack the knife. which i just twisted. you lose and badly. meaning so it's really all a matter of what one chooses to expect one's audience familiarity with mass culture references or high both. no david halitsky course is on side that it are pompous 84226 re variation by cavafy on a theme of tarrega's r david halitsky ann marie - thanks for the directions and opening thread. i have posted response. regards 84227 re adventures in neverland ctg david halitsky - no that's not it at all. as opposed to being for hc i am against those who think must be excluded order poems become accessible. this may an age thing. old enough recall my parents' feelings about the lewisohn stadium nyc during depression which concerts of classical music were given free just like joe papp's shakespeare festival delacorte. attendance and later delacorte indicates that willigness plain folks investigate obscure references greater than presumed by a position know . 84228 re roofers christopher t george ctg - i didn't want to get into it with hannah after she wrote that because chris potter at gaz had just dinged me for over-argumentativeness. still don't. suffices say some folks the piece exactly as was intended and all what more can one ask regards david halitsky hi a colleague on another site has looked your work writes following-- by purpose poems open vistas. mr. aims narrow definition eschews any concept or suggestion of vistas ... his pontifical prose arbitarily lined lacks polysemous qualities. 84230 re an inventive piece for anne marie eldon barbara silberg i like the humor but not your line breaks particularly. especially last bits. no pun intended. well now that did i'm sorry. --barbara s. 10110111000110110000000. final naught is my mother's uncle avram who hobo'd it to russia and some years later sailed from vladivostok otherwise he would have been a '1'. even mongrel only matrilineally pure am allowed share this sacred numerology learned levite teaching madonna kabala. 84232 re flying barbara silberg i like this. not sure about the couplets. definitely don't last line dangling by its lonesome. maybe switch to triplets my ear flinging yourself free from swinging has one too many -ing's. and this someone who loves -ings. hope have been of help. --barbara s. at first you think will be nice just breezy days along blue horizon sneaking in a cinema zipping over heads ticket-takers or stealing down street take view blonde prefers pancakes nude. would that gives excuse live degenerate but it doesn t. start world wants you. expects jerk-off porn houses make adult films anyone fuck these . don t even going past tree without getting some kittens. moving place next. s more lying when see your feet out before earth won care enough stop 84233 re an inventive piece for anne marie eldon david halitsky barbara silberg - thanks taking the time to comment. in this one line-breaks are really immaterial me. please feel free indicate what you meant. i say case think be written stone. again stopping by. 84234 re roofers david halitsky ctg - i don't doubt that a colleague of yours wrote he must have taken the same course in rhetoric as you. just you attempted to paint me someone who seeks rule out all but hc references poems your paints wishes narrow definition. please speaking for yourself or tell where written anything indicate wish definition . am not talking about crits which indicated personal taste distaste particular piece way. those cases chacun son gout applies think we agreed. an expository nature presented anywhere context general discussion and crit piece. regards 84235 re adventures in neverland ctg soccer player running for office olga the kgb agent eats a choc ice as she studies times crossword doodles answer to 24 down theda silent screen vixen pretends not see cyril of mi5 past peter pan statue by frampton sir george with its fairies squirrels and rabbits hero stands blowing his horn. gnaws on cadbury flake dreams unhooking olga's bra fingers albert hall tickets while humming nessun dorma. christopher t. i suggest you use different font front this -- is tricky stuff mean it two letters one digit or letter digits gather understand importance minor detail baggio badgers 84236 re roofers christopher t george ctg - i don't doubt that a colleague of yours wrote he must have taken the same course in rhetoric as you. just you attempted to paint me someone who seeks rule out all but hc references poems your paints wishes narrow definition. please speaking for yourself or tell where written anything indicate wish definition . am not talking about crits which indicated personal taste distaste particular piece way. those cases chacun son gout applies think we agreed. an expository nature presented anywhere context general discussion and crit piece. regards david halitsky hi my friend was abut poem any exposition part critique. chris 84237 re adventures in neverland ctg christopher t george i suggest you use a different font to front this mi5 -- is tricky stuff mean it two letters and one digit or letter digits gather understand the importance of minor detail baggio for badgers hi thanks appreciate this. have posted any poems at http www.footballpoets.org if are soccer fan good place post soccer-related poetry. site run out stroud gloucestershire england. 84238 re adventures in neverland ctg soccer player running for office hi baggio thanks i appreciate this. have you posted any poems at http www.footballpoets.org if are a fan it is good place to post soccer-related poetry. the site run out of stroud gloucestershire england. you've got be bloomin joking play with balls not unless were talkin super big balls. . well then. clearly. 84239 only fools take up accordion revision david halitsky batter my heart three-person'd god - john donne holy sonnet 14 since our has lately sworn off all menages a quatre and i'm many years too old to play homeless tom in bedlams without breakfasts for another college man who's on full salary his sabbatical i go wal-mart just watch as pick-up bands of ones make music they can hear hand-me-down accordions shopping-carts pump tight you do what do. note this is strict syallabic version which lines 9 syllables alternate with 10 throughout however there strong well-enforced meter the piece when read natural everyday english speech. 84240 re only fools take up accordion revision note my name is shmorgas bored yes. well done bloke. bravo kudos and all the rest to you your gang this poetry at its very best regards ta shmorgy b. 84242 the good wife's guide jude goodwin housekeeping monthly monday may 13 1955 1. have dinner ready. plan ahead even night before to a delicious meal ready on time for his return. this is way of letting him know that you been thinking about and are concerned needs. most men hungry when they come home prospect especially favourite dish part warm welcome needed. once week or so should cook it in nude serve everything glass use your satin slips table mats really show concern could lie plates across thigh but let be sure must always tell plans day each thought he'll think you're hiding something with all see-through bare open stress will too much lift rice fish right off belly drop trash that'll you'll end up lying there like some kind while husband dark study pours maple syrup over white buns what wife would then 84244 re biting the hand jude goodwin hey laurel there are a lot of one-line crits on block these days. have you noticed i time tonight and because hansel gretel always been one my favourite weird tales wanted to stop by here for years afterwards she fed forest saucers soured milk bruised apples molded ends week-old bread bowls cold porridge respectful this is good start but think list longer than it needs be. enough rest don't really even any cool sounds add . like how title fits first few lines though - gives impression as an animal. its appetite voracious mouth wide hag s that never saw in herself except at night when her eyes would roll back head legs unhinged oven door gulp little boy gag noise dying he d pant. meat stuffed could reply am. great stuff love rather see only problem following reference girl.. now im confused who putting out with gulping boy. remind wasn t crone had tried swallow them. wasn't or them still every dawn was small miracle once upon again girl opened pressed all long trying get find saucer dry bone bowl licked clean. not crumb littered floor rosy cheeks were gone seeds core eaten. ending. just wish resolve thing. nicely done 84245 re flying jude goodwin interesting challenge ash i think the couplets are fine and last line is good. where poem weakest in kitten couplet- would dump that one - love 5 lines. they this a keeper ash. more comments inline respectfully at first you will be nice just breezy days along blue horizon maybe sneaking eee zee sounds cinema by zipping over heads of ticket-takers or stealing down street to take view blonde who prefers pancakes nude. gives excuse somehow lacking. might resolve drop 'would' why it there anyhow yes works live like degenerate but doesn t. start world wants its you. expects not jerk-off porn houses make adult films anyone fuck these . ha 'flying' don t even about going past tree without getting some kittens. moving from place next. s lying yourself when flinging free swinging see your feet out before earth won care enough stop don't mind repeat 'at think' could also 'you 84247 re the good wife's guide sachi hi jude nice title but read along with opening lines whole poem appears to be excerpted from 1955..unless ofcourse you wanted that. also smooth flow staggers a bit around 'but let him know sure must always tell' ....you may consider your plans day each thought biting. cheers housekeeping monthly monday 13 1955 1. have dinner ready. plan ahead even night before delicious meal ready on time for his return. this is way of letting that been thinking about and are concerned needs. most men hungry when they come home prospect especially favourite dish part warm welcome needed. once week or so should cook it in nude serve everything glass use satin slips table mats really show concern could lie plates across thigh tell he'll think you're hiding something all see-through bare open stress will too much lift rice fish right off belly drop trash that'll you'll end up lying there like some kind while husband dark study pours maple syrup over white buns what wife would then 84248 three ways to interpret rain sachi it s a love poem he said. the wise ones nodded.intransitive. they knew all objects could take. about authors separated by absorbent walls in tiny cell father and son marked time after cutting drying their wives into edible pieces. sat down feasted alone or company passing portions round until were left with eyes once likened oceans skies flame set off alarm. wrote on pervious permanent markers. sometimes mapping reverse each other procrastinating thoughts. wailing out of one grilled window voices scattered like pollen that must await more root. amazing how minds would meet train lines mistresses sly edge where sky bent. now poem. 'three rain' upon frog dying for goldfish accidentally tipped bowl watched dancing death. 84249 a page torn from journal found on the peach fork gary b of river following laurie beneath tarnished blossoms golden chain tree mice search for last empty nuts and seeds summer. silver thaw splits trunks pines planted by sages an owl announces his fear with beat mottled wings. i do not notice her steed is donkey or clothes are cheap cotton in need repair today wash tub. companion - he seems callow sort brute ferret s smile abusive eyes. winter frost deeper than where frogs rest tiger lily bulbs along temple walls freeze. told to wait me pavilion two streets beyond lodging. when arrived it was locked abandoned its fragile rice windows shredded. well bundled waited under eaves unable find corner protected wind. sure she would leave as sleep off bottle wine. contemplated how long before my nose froze. mountains dragons live monks who keep this simple have survived warlords cadres bureaucrats finally achieve some peace serving tourists. there complaints tea-shops noodle houses about americans their incessant demands stingy pockets. barbarians so wealthy should share instead hoarding like third wife. will we survive another year if all largesse devils spread about. overtip. silent bowels half full until ends sandals worn too many seasons. riders left village fey lively him sullen ill. great egret crosses moon way newts close enough sun fill sage gullet. 84250 re only fools take up accordion revision dmjones mr. halitsky the first four lines are poem - rest windowdressing looking for end. keep voice of and you have yourself a poem. regards since our three-person'd god has lately sworn off all menages quatre i'm many years too old to play homeless tom in bedlams without breakfasts... 84251 re the good wife's guide dmjones hey jude a one. you really don't need intro poem works well enough on its own. regards dennis dinner for hungryman once week or so should cook it in nude serve everything glass and use your satin slips table mats to show concern could lie plates across thigh but let him know be sure must always tell plans day each thought he'll think you're hiding something even with all see-through bare open stress will too much lift rice fish right off belly drop trash that'll you'll end up hungry lying there like some kind of dish while husband his dark study pours maple syrup over white buns what wife would then 84252 re only fools take up accordion revision david halitsky dmjones - thank you for taking time to stop by and comment. i tell in all honesty the piece was originally conceived around last lines challenged kids at wal-mart hired roll shopping-carts back from lots rest how lead final concerning what can still open heart of post-moderns. 84253 among the missing dmjones each morning empty bed blank page silk sheet cold. and i a simple man bound true to sing when dance is on tongue but whose eye ages dark dull dawn blood bay turned tide where gulls drift salt sky. crave light of word sea marsh meadow in bird cried flood flash sunlit mermaiden tern killdeer plover. colors escape my hand. call you answer fog wind roll fury surf blackrock cliff. am here here. 84254 re only fools take up accordion revision geoff re. for david halitsky. the focus is off way don't get a sense of purpose to this. it conceivable that much time was needed write this as opposed fitting into one or another formal corset . finally line endings baffle me. best batter my heart three-person'd god - john donne holy sonnet 14 since our has lately sworn all menages quatre and i'm many years too old play homeless tom in bedlams without breakfasts college man who's on full salary his sabbatical i go wal-mart just watch pick-up bands ones make music they can hear hand-me-down accordions shopping-carts pump tight you do what do. note strict syallabic version which lines 9 syllables alternate with 10 throughout however there strong well-enforced meter piece when read natural everyday english speech. 84255 re biting the hand geoff re. for laurel. little to say about this. a sort of sauce mythical themes without much energy. note. i detect first period in this halfway through.-- is that give sense breathless energy or one too poor pay periods and semi-colons stuff found bizarre thought you should know. best years afterwards she fed forest saucers soured milk bruised apples molded ends week-old bread bowls cold porridge respectful its appetite voracious mouth wide as hag s never saw herself except at night when her eyes would roll back head legs unhinged oven door gulp boy gag noise sounds like dying he d pant. meat stuffed could reply am. remind it wasn t crone had tried swallow them. still every dawn was small miracle once upon time again girl opened pressed all long trying get find saucer dry bone bowl licked clean. not even crumb littered floor rosy cheeks were gone seeds core eaten. 84256 re three ways to interpret rain geoff re. rain. for sachi. this strikes me as a dream piece. metz's law on pieces reads the first half is interesting but second dreams are not truly creative fizzles out naught. was all over place. best it s love poem he said. wise ones nodded.intransitive. they knew objects could take. about authors separated by absorbent walls in tiny cell father and son marked time after cutting drying their wives into edible pieces. sat down feasted alone or company passing portions round until were left with eyes once likened oceans skies flame set off alarm. wrote pervious permanent markers. sometimes mapping reverse each other procrastinating thoughts. wailing of one grilled window voices scattered like pollen that must await more root. amazing how minds would meet train lines mistresses sly edge where sky bent. now poem. 'three rain' upon frog dying goldfish accidentally tipped bowl watched dancing death. 84257 things you tell children te ballard when don t believe they are listening my fist lover was a pianist now he is bald truck driver married to woman with hair. never allowed date his parents would drive us church while fingers fell into body and before the first hymn lifting hand mouth d look over congregation god beginning play. for threes years found small parts of hidden as i stood silent in worship mary all dead angels at her feet. no one ever knew we were lovers even today giving list names do not say but mother once told me seven sliding around chair during part revelation jesus comes again that find love because those girls who understood meaning sit. 84258 re the good wife's guide te ballard i adore this but am not sure of ending do you like dorrianne laux once told me best thing can for a poem is over write it and let take on life its own. would go bit start so wonderful picks up speed then poof stops. plus loose quote far better with title everyone know what was exspected women then. 84259 re biting the hand te ballard have you read colonel by carolyn forch same form but different topic your breaks seem off to me go it. i think it might help as usual are just rocking with beautiful sound. 84260 afterword asher the search for a discernible past is through rubble spokes of broken wheels species thought. to arrive at rib cage narrative...or an imagined past--at form that must be imagined. fiction. turning back lingering--lingering shards have their own mouth organs but one finally arrives heart ventricle room with view verdant beats darkness--the wings bat flitting backward on sea screeching voice darkness swooned in darkness--this nocturnal voiced now requires another voice. settle and narrative demanded both arrival departure. which sprouts space roots banyan tree trunk self where jinns gather around listen. live blood. taming fire beginning aorta. someone pulses thinking who doesn't look forward or demands release both. present inter fuse different points chronograph. itself sounds voices sprout land places. will make account multidimensional multi lucid bodied. chronology not road intersects maze entrance into road. multiplies meets emerging from sprouting truck illusory moored space...one can only begin belong as gathers outskirts assembles. disassemble speech dissonant. they weave changed. character becomes else when she encounters amazed lost voices. it gains body collides fractions selves. this point created. brink building. creates rooted were imaged not. always audition. tongue epithelium skin enfold it. unearthed body--to sound. 84261 re the good wife's guide jude goodwin i adore this but am not sure of ending do you like dorrianne laux once told me best thing can for a poem is over write it and let take on life its own. would go bit start so wonderful picks up speed then poof stops. plus loose quote far better with title everyone know what was exspected women then. thanks t your thoughts. really respect laux's poetry instruction - have her book poet's companion. it's an interesting concept to overwrite. usually strip all bare before posting. ha i'm considering doing series hence quote. there are about 18 different little instructions in im combining some them exercise way. i'll post 2 after get my crits in. other hand might just extract poems lose eventually. again 84262 re the good wife's guide jude goodwin that's advice actually ive been eyeballing that section seems a bit redundant thanks for your thoughts 84263 re the good wife's guide jude goodwin thanks dennis it's currently part of a series should have put 1 in title but i agree that poem works well on its own. will probably extract poems when all over hey one. you really don't need intro enough regards dinner for hungryman 84264 re the good wife's guide note my name is shmorgas bored housekeeping monthly monday may 13 1955 1. have dinner ready. plan ahead even night before to a delicious meal ready on time for his return. this way of letting him know that you been thinking about and are concerned needs. most men hungry when they come home prospect especially favourite dish part warm welcome needed. once week or so should cook it in nude serve everything glass use your satin slips table mats really show concern could lie plates across thigh but let be sure must always tell plans day each thought he'll think you're hiding something with all see-through bare open stress will too much lift rice fish right off belly drop trash that'll you'll end up lying there like some kind while husband dark study pours maple syrup over white buns what wife would then i'm 18 i definitely keep quote thanks s. b 84265 been waitin' -- here it is. sbern for the year's best poem. is ... hooray finally a poem 'with point.' direct point that's to 'point.' that has take reason up space-- not lot of dense fog. here's boils my liberal blood slops grits slices spleen. yes... i say those republicans who preach moral values this about you and your bush-neocon hypocrisy shriveled souls prune faces expressed hatred slippery sex love war .50 calibre sniper rifles. all shove ass or if don't want shoved go out tonight on hill look wait deep wet open-mouth karmic kiss from lady in moon. thanks ethos touched things tell children when don t believe they are listening fist lover was pianist now he bald truck driver married woman with hair. never allowed date his parents would drive us church while fingers fell into body before first hymn lifting hand mouth d over congregation god beginning play. threes years found small parts hidden as stood silent worship mary dead angels at her feet. no one ever knew we were lovers even today giving list names do but mother once told me seven sliding around chair during part revelation jesus comes again find because girls understood meaning sit. 84266 i can't let this go ... sbern how love poem 84267 re things you tell children sbern sorry for the rant ... few poems attack my reticular activation system this one did. and i'll poem is summer wine. i've had too much dust-in-wine throat irritated eyes watering. now comes swish rinse. your checks center back to center-- it followed falcon. all's right. i love poem. 84268 re only fools take up accordion revision david halitsky geoff - it's one thing to say that you don't understand a piece because it contains key is too obscure for as reader. another altogether when someone does not the and nonetheless decides make thematic comment about it. far formal corsets are concerned strongly suggest read my toppost on kazantzakis which will appear shortly at p n. thanks taking time stop by comment. do latter 84269 re afterword david halitsky asher - yeats. less than one line. the foul rag-and-bone-shop of heart . or something like that. 84271 re things you tell children david halitsky te ballard - this is technically unexceptionable please note i did not say unexceptional . but pyschologically without an ounce of believability to its punchline. do believe a churchly woman the type are describing would threaten seven-year old girl with finding love if meant as in his then should have capped it. said it don't ring true. 84272 re among the missing david halitsky dmjones - nice music seriously. but if you can't compose it better than dylan thomas why should and please remember toward end of his short life he thought himself as a washed-up has-been with handful great poems. 84273 re three ways to interpret rain david halitsky sachi - it's amazing that this is the second time i have had occasion point out at twb in just a few days. with respect fragment dancing death personifcation still personification even when all gussied-up post-somethingism. 84274 re the good wife's guide david halitsky jude goodwin - you may not be aware of this and or it make any difference to but in de sade's 120 days sodom there is a description dinner at which warm chafing-dishes are served on tables composed naked women various positions back-bends all-fours etc. don't know if anyone with knowledge passage can read piece same way as someone without passage. 84275 re things you tell children sbern for god's sakes pal ... it is not that poems 'ring' true truth rings from the poem's bell. my university freshmen knew relay to me your credentials holding such a 'doesn't ring-true' view are required given 'view.' i'm just curious what they teaching nowadays. yes i inderstand difference-- 'ringing' and 'truth.' somethat entirely false can true. something false. when this clapper struck side of bell rang me. course that's te ballard - technically unexceptionable please note did say unexceptional . but pyschologically without an ounce believability its punchline. do believe churchly woman type describing would threaten seven-year old girl with finding love if meant as in his then should have capped it. said don't ring david halitsky 84276 re things you tell children te ballard obviously did not hang around with women from my church she and i find love at least 23 times 84277 re i can't let this go ... te ballard thank you and are damn good at that ranting thing t 84278 re afterword asher dear david-- yeats. nope. not even close. ag the search for a discernible past is through rubble spokes of broken wheels species thought. to arrive at rib cage narrative...or an imagined past--at form that must be imagined. fiction. turning back lingering--lingering shards have their own mouth organs but one finally arrives heart ventricle room with view or without verdant beats darkness--the bat still flitting backward sea screeching voice darkness swooned in this nocturnal voiced now requires another voice. settle and narrative demanded both arrival departure. which sprouts space roots banyan tree trunk self where jinns gather around listen. live blood. taming fire beginning aorta. someone pulses thinking who doesn't look forward demands release both. present inter fuse different points chronograph. itself sounds voices sprout land places will make account multidimensional multi lucid bodied. chronology road intersects maze entrance into road. multiplies meets emerging from embodied sprouting on truck illusory moored space...one can only begin belong as gathers outskirts assembles. disassemble speech dissonant. they weave charged. character becomes else when she encounters amazed lost voices. it gains body collides fractions self. point created. brink building. creates rooted were imaged not. always audition. tongue epithelium skin enfold it. unearthed body--to sound. wings darkness--this places. changed. selves. 84279 re things you tell children yoly te- your attention to detail lifts the poem great heights. bravo you. peace when don t believe they are listening my fist lover was a pianist now he is bald truck driver married woman with hair. never allowed date his parents would drive us church while fingers fell into body and before first hymn lifting hand mouth d look over congregation god beginning play. for threes years found small parts of hidden as i stood silent in worship mary all dead angels at her feet. no one ever knew we were lovers even today giving list names do not say but mother once told me seven sliding around chair during part revelation jesus comes again that find love because those girls who understood meaning sit. 84280 rewrite w out typos te ballard my first lover was a pianist now he is bald truck driver married to woman with hair. never allowed date his parents would drive us church while fingers fell into body and before the hymn lifting hand mouth d look over congregation god beginning play. for three years found small parts of desire hidden as i stood silent in worship mary all dead angels at her feet. no one ever knew we were lovers. even today giving list names do not say but mother once told me when seven sliding around chair during part revelations jesus comes again that find love because those girls who understood word sit. 84281 re among the missing yoly dmjones- i say continue to create your music. its sound's worthwhile. each morning empty bed blank page silk sheet cold. and a simple man bound true sing when dance is on tongue but whose eye ages dark dull dawn blood bay turned tide where gulls drift salt sky. crave light of word sea marsh meadow in bird cried flood flash sunlit mermaiden tern killdeer plover. colors escape my hand. call you answer fog wind roll fury surf blackrock cliff. am here here. 84282 re things you tell children te ballard thank t 84283 re afterword asher dear david-- what i really meant to say was thank you for reading. just read the yeat's poem refered and am alleged be reiterating ideas in that a far inferior way i'm not quite sure are even close being same my idea depending on intersection of narrative chronology with opposite produce heart. his conception is differnt impo. who knows. this requires some more imagery flesh out though. very best it's good have around. ag search discernible past through rubble spokes broken wheels species thought. arrive at rib cage narrative...or an imagined past--at form must imagined. fiction. turning back lingering--lingering shards their own mouth organs but one finally arrives heart ventricle room view verdant beats darkness--the wings bat flitting backward sea screeching voice darkness swooned darkness--this nocturnal voiced now another voice. settle demanded both arrival departure. which sprouts space roots banyan tree trunk self where jinns gather around listen. live blood. taming fire beginning aorta. someone pulses thinking doesn't look forward or demands release both. present inter fuse different points chronograph. itself sounds voices sprout land places. will make account multidimensional multi lucid bodied. road intersects maze entrance into road. multiplies meets emerging from sprouting truck illusory moored space...one can only begin belong as gathers outskirts assembles. disassemble speech dissonant. they weave changed. character becomes else when she encounters amazed lost voices. it gains body collides fractions selves. point created. brink building. creates rooted were imaged not. always audition. tongue epithelium skin enfold it. unearthed body--to sound. 84284 drowning in the sexy thing we do rev yoly rushing through it i break day half to get where you are forgetting that carry warm coffee cause i'm tickling memory of feathery fingers on nape. blue light and a shirtless come out 209. look as if behind me more appears. your gaze trickles caramel latte my pink blouse. silence is ally. hook onto belt loop jeans learn forget forewords our unfolding. follow by kissing vacancy neck teasing off little buttons. 84285 re among the missing barbara silberg loved this evocative haunting lyrical. a few in-line suggestions below. feel free to ignor or use them as you see fit. --barbara s. each morning empty bed blank page silk sheet cold. and i simple man bound true sing when dance is on tongue but whose eye ages dark dull . dawn blood bay - turned tide where gulls drift think could add 1 2 sylabled --starting with an 's'-- modifier here improve rythem additional alliteration salt sky. crave light of word sea marsh meadow in bird cried flood flash sunlit mermaiden tern killdeer plover. ir colors escape my hand. call answer fog wind roll fury surf blackrock cliff. am here. 84286 re the good wife's guide jude goodwin hi david no haven't read that piece lol - however i did see a photo once of woman covered in sushi surrounded by bunch japanese businessmen with chopsticks raised. you may not be aware this and or it make any difference to but de sade's 120 days sodom there is description dinner at which warm chafing-dishes are served on tables composed naked women various positions back-bends all-fours etc. don't know if anyone knowledge passage can same way as someone without passage. halitsky 84287 re a page torn from journal found on the peach barbara silberg i swear you and laurie need to get together put book together. loved this but for few nits golden chain tree do mean rain why would mice look empty nuts seeds i'd lose that . if your speaker does not notice how can he report following her steed is donkey or clothes are cheap cotton in of repair today wash tub. all lovely details by way. maybe say 'i take little that' steed... then follow it with focus on' companion sleep off needs be slept americans their incessant demands spread about him sullen ill i'm reading right his face ill. hope have been help. --barbara s. fork river beneath tarnished blossoms search last summer. silver thaw splits trunks pines planted sages an owl announces fear beat mottled wings. - seems callow sort brute ferret s smile abusive eyes. winter frost deeper than where frogs rest tiger lily bulbs along temple walls freeze. told wait me pavilion two streets beyond lodging. when arrived was locked abandoned its fragile rice windows shredded. well bundled waited under eaves unable find corner protected wind. sure she leave as bottle wine. contemplated long before my nose froze. mountains dragons live monks who keep simple survived warlords cadres bureaucrats finally achieve some peace serving tourists. there complaints tea-shops noodle houses stingy pockets. barbarians so wealthy should share instead hoarding like third wife. will we survive another year largesse devils about. overtip. silent bowels half full until ends sandals worn too many seasons. riders left village fey lively great egret crosses moon way newts close enough sun fill sage gullet. 84288 re things you tell children jude goodwin hey te i too enjoyed this. however did find the chronology a bit confusing - at first thought perhaps this was poem about sexual abuse between church pianist and 7 year old child but then references to his mother him not being allowed date. it an adult doing if so 'now he is bald' implies that wasn't grown during 'event' of poem. could be 'he still or something mundane know do see what mean peer simply older playing piano why doesn't talk him. maybe two teens would fit guess reference difficult. it's also clear how accessing while she stood in choir near sorry i'm dense sometimes questions like these can easily answered revision. course worth has some beautiful parts fingers fell into my body for threes years found small hidden as silent worship mary with all dead angels her feet. sure were painted on floor no one ever knew we lovers even today giving list names say cool section. only who had once told me when seven sliding around chair part revelation jesus comes again never love because those girls understood meaning sit. great storytelling just wish connected bits more respectfully 84289 re rewrite w out typos barbara silberg oh those tickling fingers and i found this credible even if dh did not. enjoyed. -- s. my first lover was a pianist now he is bald truck driver married to woman with hair. never allowed date his parents would drive us church while fell into body before the hymn lifting hand mouth d look over congregation god beginning play. for three years small parts of desire hidden as stood silent in worship mary all dead angels at her feet. no one ever knew we were lovers. today giving list names do not say but mother once told me when seven sliding around chair during part revelations jesus comes again that find love because girls who understood word sit. 84290 re rewrite w out typos cyocom i guess have a slightly different idea of what you're saying. horrifying poem. i've known lot churchly women who were harridans the first order but that's diversion. cleaned up version course is much more readable. 84291 re afterword david halitsky asher - there was no imputation in my note of you iterating an idea or theme yeats'. rather the question implicitly asking is whether say anything more about your these lines from piece turning back lingering--lingering shards that have their own mouth organs but one finally arrives at a heart ventricle room with view verdant beats through darkness--the wings bat flitting backward on sea screeching voice darkness swooned darkness--this nocturnal voiced now requires another voice. this point where created. not it space brink building. can be itself imagined creates body rooted as were to trunk imaged not. always audition. tongue epithelium skin enfold it. unearthed body--to sound. than yeats says his line foul rag and bone shop maybe preceding all ladders start. other words really 10 times complex because even holding him accountable for both above total two statement took little what state idea. so tell me why should conclude are love sound please i am being nasty nor dismissive ad hom here. maxwell perkins has hands full thomas wolfe wolfe's novels still published some egregiously overlong passages embarass staunchest defenders such myself. i'm trying do figure out if dealing here course respond by telling piss-off justifiable grounds regardless talent equal wolfe's. regards 84292 re roofers david halitsky ctg ok - you can now tell your colleague to take the pop quiz i posted at p n earlier today. and him her also that it will hurt less if he uses a sewing needle rather than finishing nail. 84293 re afterword asher david-- thanks and good questions. nice to have honest folks around. i think these begin as internal monologues or dialouges with different parts of self usually type them into the box without editing much. so that may account for some extraneous stuff. notice now which dislike are multi bodied etc etc. part do reiterate pm ideas sound slightly pompous--although a new metaphor is conceived. rather than narrative rhizomatic seen banyan tree moored in space. idea there language not working hard enough... poem process dialoging contradictory then striving ends yeat's quotes. itself would be no seeing whole cosmology yeats discrete parts. discarding like critics his early lyrical work conception heart different. conceived at border between assembling disassembling it foul but contradiction questioning points detour from thought see place contradictions meeting conjoining diverging simple conclusions contradictions...insight lapses doubts short war ground. point one unifying where all ladders start. start multiple yet sounded only process. simply say draw actually practice it...this more journal entry prelude better this explored images. am happy besides mis spelling trucks should been trunks stuff can weeded out yeah well an ego most poets - it's just exploring aspects self... best regards sorry if didn't answer your questions fully was imputation my note you iterating theme yeats'. question implicitly asking whether anything about lines piece turning back lingering--lingering shards their own mouth organs finally arrives ventricle room view verdant beats through darkness--the wings bat flitting backward on sea screeching voice darkness swooned darkness--this nocturnal voiced requires another voice. created. space brink building. imagined creates body rooted were trunk imaged not. always audition. tongue epithelium skin enfold it. unearthed body--to sound. says line rag bone shop maybe preceding c other words really 10 times complex because even holding him accountable both above total two statement took little what state idea. tell me why conclude love please being nasty nor dismissive ad hom here. maxwell perkins has hands full thomas wolfe wolfe's novels still published egregiously overlong passages embarass staunchest defenders such myself. i'm trying figure dealing here course respond by telling piss-off justifiable grounds regardless talent equal wolfe's. david halitsky 84295 the good wife's guide 2 jude goodwin housekeeping monthly may 13 1955 2. don't ask him questions about his actions or question judgment integrity. remember he is master of house and as such will always exercise with fairness truthfulness. you have no right to him. after a lifetime scorn although it might been just my best friend debbie i met in our spot by tracks. under trestle next creek we hunkered feet perched on mossy stones. had package father's players filter real smokers didn't do menthol. giggled. copied her older sister friends how they smiled smoke curled through their teeth mouths went poot put fingers together like this slim white wand its red stinger circled between us. fresh green salmonberry leaves spun roared vomited behind rock that looked an ancient ruin. was still early 13th spring but were sweating. pulled out another cigarette smoked until coal pressed against stinking would million more. five times day three third able half pack without even feeling sick. 84296 poem with footnotes david ayers and later the gold leaf making her neck burn falling in flakes off shelf a manner similar to an airplane but like kite fast loose pull ribbon as if fingers knew how unbutton it all transform hands into paddles webbed cleats go up again she did swim through after he that tunnel saying what had said between page one cover map drier than anything wing-bones grown back of those treasure films everyone aware for they x pulled something sacred from its niche 84297 re drowning in the sexy thing we do rev jude goodwin yo yoly some wonderful images and a nice feeling throughout. english usage issues though to my ear. im not great at grammar myself however so i could be way off base. thanks respectfully thoughts inline rushing through it break day half get where you are forgetting that carry warm coffee these lines work well cause i'm tickling memory of feathery fingers on nape. i'd like see 'a' or 'the' but either found two bit stilted blue light shirtless come out 209. look as if behind me more appears. your gaze trickles caramel latte pink blouse. silence is ally. visual last line curious. ally what maybe would have spoiled mood he had mentioned stain. hm hook onto belt loop jeans learn forget forewords our unfolding. ok now most loops denim something. also unfolding doesn't ring for although sounds nice. does mean follow by kissing vacancy neck teasing little buttons. this combined with him looking appear hmmm. fantasy lover. speaker. annd buttons they coming open 84298 re poem with footnotes cyocom a small suggestion on the order of possibilities... inline logic it seems better that way. noi and later gold leaf making her neck burn falling in flakes off shelf manner similar to an airplane i think you should start as if but like kite fast loose pull ribbon fingers knew how unbutton all transform hands into paddles webbed cleats go up again she did swim through after he tunnel saying what had said between page one cover map drier than anything wing-bones grown back those treasure films put here everyone aware for they x pulled something sacred from its niche 84299 last poem first laurel every swan-neck and gloved hand bent to fidget with fine tune my veil. --miranda field pilfer rifle filch. begin at her end staring as if into coffin. close the book drop lid. lips stitched imagined mouth effectively silenced. yet. all night reverb in your head. or hers. his. three words over over. same you think. certainly synonymous. finger pointed jabbed his direction. she weren't responsible. didn't skip down aisle. spread legs beg for it. stolen small amounts stealth often again again. carried off. ransacked only definition were ever familiar with. mother rifling through drawer drawers diary discovered secret stifled written bold letters no less than what she'd suspected i hate that bitch. appropriated a polite way of saying furtive casual way. do understand i'm trying say there is bride hidden beneath he slung shoulder off hollering night. dark black pitch. pit. old well out back was never filled in. could stare hole see bottom. whoever said marriage slowest death right. seen but on winter nights before thaw when crocuses fake spring poke up snow caterwauls bitches heat toms prowl have been attributed ghost. read then clamped it slut. forgive typo freudian slip. are many thresholds. has crossed some them. 84300 re five women sherry hi ya metz you know what i really like about this poem how all the statistics are low numbers and mixed up in different categories of relationships feel it might even be worthwhile to sit down make some sort graph for with colored pencils. can say help a lot middle school high homework these days. grin honestly comparisons then final part 7 breasts. little leap totally deeper angle on had planned. thanks. also enjoyed lightness love petite bitch that ends ...heck have hoky poky d them through. nine kids who aren t mine. mess cats. s. haven loved enough one seem sufficiently none pigeon-toed. disturbs me. has threatened kill herself but never will. 2 routinely off themselves poems. three not would bear my children. they thinking four smoke. only now again over girly drinks. great ankles. s impossible ugly other isn either ankles notwith- standing. 6 harm insufficiently too good you. seven breasts those west akron. eight circles heck 84301 re last poem first david halitsky laurel - when it's out of your system i think you will be able to start writing. there are some excellent images in here but it is almost not worth the trouble find them given ghastly hodgepodge confessionalism and sisterhood one has spoon see them. 84302 re drowning in the sexy thing we do rev sachi yoly best about this poem is start. its a great opening. first two lines. after that i find it packed with images may be of deep personal significance to narrator but infortunately are overused and worn. title give away. words follwing.. barring lines confirm suspicion evoked for reader. if you indeed want pursue poem...my suggestion would somehow introduce frenzied expectancy seems feel..more details how she breaks day..might place start perhaps. always good read you. rushing through break day half get where forgetting carry warm coffee cause i'm tickling memory feathery fingers on nape. blue light shirtless come out 209. look as behind me more appears. your gaze trickles caramel latte my pink blouse. silence ally. hook onto belt loop jeans learn forget forewords our unfolding. follow by kissing vacancy neck teasing off little buttons. 84303 re the good wife's guide 2 sachi hi jude this piece as a part of series might just fly..mainly because it can bask in brilliance previous one. on its own poem may have to still wait. juxtaposed with context seems forced. seen out tad overwritten. at another level..smoking..as an act rebellion 13th spring many married people testify little or no bearing excerpt from old magazine. best regards housekeeping monthly 13 1955 2. don't ask him questions about his actions question judgment integrity. remember he is master house and such will always exercise fairness truthfulness. you right him. after lifetime scorn although been my friend debbie i met our spot by tracks. under trestle next creek we hunkered feet perched mossy stones. had package father's players filter real smokers didn't do menthol. giggled. copied her older sister friends how they smiled smoke curled through their teeth mouths went poot put fingers together like slim white wand red stinger circled between us. fresh green salmonberry leaves spun roared vomited behind rock that looked ancient ruin. was early but were sweating. pulled cigarette smoked until coal pressed against stinking would million more. five times day three third able half pack without even feeling sick. 84304 re poem with footnotes sachi hi david i like the style. smooth. however it is not immediately clear why this titled thus. while reading thought might be an idea to structure in way that reader goes top down when falling and bottom up rising..and read way..it was fun. regards later gold leaf making her neck burn flakes off shelf a manner similar airplane but kite fast loose pull ribbon as if fingers knew how unbutton all transform hands into paddles webbed cleats go again she did swim through after he tunnel saying what had said between page one cover map drier than anything wing-bones grown back of those treasure films everyone aware for they x pulled something sacred from its niche 84305 re last poem first sachi hi laurel i like the precise consonant sounds through out. rhetorical question half way down interefers with flow. repeated phrases don't necessarily bring in drama that you may be seeking..and worth rethink for there are many of those.. agreeing hallistky think good images need to crested..perhaps space might help. a revision and will love see it rendered. regards every swan-neck gloved hand bent fidget fine tune my veil. --miranda field pilfer rifle filch. begin at her end staring as if into coffin. close book drop lid. lips stitched imagined mouth effectively silenced. yet. all night reverb your head. or hers. his. three words over over. same think. certainly synonymous. finger pointed jabbed his direction. she weren't responsible. didn't skip aisle. spread legs beg it. stolen small amounts stealth often again again. carried off. ransacked only definition were ever familiar with. mother rifling drawer drawers diary discovered secret stifled written bold letters no less than what she'd suspected hate bitch. appropriated polite saying furtive casual way. do understand i'm trying say is bride hidden beneath he slung shoulder off hollering night. dark black pitch. pit. old well out back was never filled in. could stare hole bottom. whoever said marriage slowest death right. seen but on winter nights before thaw when crocuses fake spring poke up snow caterwauls bitches heat toms prowl have been attributed ghost. read then clamped slut. forgive typo freudian slip. thresholds. has crossed some them. 84306 re three ways to interpret rain sachi dear geoff thanks for your comment. having workshopped with you a while here and elsewhere i know even grudging affirmation from is hard earned so am glad liked the first half. this was not intentially dream piece..more in tradition of calvino..a poem poem..but dislike explaining will stop work on it. talking dreams suppose its poor writing than any universal law as might there are many great ones written mode..ancient mariner think greatest all...but craft diffrent course. always much learn crits..thanks stopping. regards re. rain. sachi. strikes me piece. metz's pieces reads half interesting but second truly creative fizzles out naught. all over place. best 84307 re three ways to interpret rain sachi david thanks for the nit..i suppose there will be others too. i am sorry wasn't attentive all time..but your point is a good one. like personification sometimes..even risking pathetic fallacy. guess making impossible things work sometimes fun we are in. value contribution this one.. and indeed look forward more. regards - it's amazing that second time have had occasion out at twb in just few days. with respect fragment dancing death personifcation still even when gussied-up post-somethingism. halitsky 84308 only fools take up accordion last rev david halitsky batter my heart three-person'd god - john donne holy sonnet 14 though our has lately sworn off all menages a quatre and bank-account's too small for playing homeless tom in bedlams without breakfasts like that college man once did on leave from steady work to which he could return we have wal-mart i can watch as pick-up bands of ones make music they hear hand-me-down accordions shopping-carts push pull back the parking lot so resolutely you do what do. 84309 re drowning in the sexy thing we do rev david halitsky agree with sachi but two further observations. a i think you wanted to write hit song this title couldn't so figured you'd try salvage something poem. b caramel latte - sorry i'm really down on nonsense not nonsense. if want inane and trivial details of yuppie's life can read danielle steele or any number her wanna-be clones. 84312 re a page torn from journal found on the peach gary b she needs book. me thanks very much for catches. i must start to read better. do want say did not notice. like that improbable contrast. swear you and laurie need get together put book together. loved this but few nits golden chain tree mean rain why would mice look empty nuts seeds i'd lose . if your speaker does notice how can he report following her steed is donkey all lovely details by way. maybe 'i take little that' steed... then follow it with focus on' companion sleep off be slept americans their incessant demands spread about him sullen ill i'm reading right his face ill. hope have been of help. --barbara s. 84313 re last poem first gary b the skips along at a good pace through third or so but gets bit heavy after. i hear this as slam and therefore less disciplined than some. do not see sisterhood problem if there is. can crowd ringing out you go girl amen. thanks. every swan-neck gloved hand bent to fidget with fine tune my veil. --miranda field pilfer rifle filch. begin her end staring into coffin. close book drop lid. lips stitched imagined mouth effectively silenced. yet. all night reverb in your head. hers. his. three words over over. same think. certainly synonymous. finger pointed jabbed his direction. she weren't responsible. didn't skip down aisle. spread legs beg for it. stolen small amounts stealth often again again. carried off. ransacked only definition were ever familiar with. mother rifling drawer drawers diary discovered secret stifled written bold letters no what she'd suspected hate that bitch. appropriated polite way of saying furtive casual way. understand i'm trying say is bride hidden beneath he slung shoulder off hollering night. dark black pitch. pit. old well back was never filled in. could stare hole bottom. whoever said marriage slowest death right. seen on winter nights before thaw when crocuses fake spring poke up snow caterwauls bitches heat toms prowl have been attributed ghost. read then clamped it slut. forgive typo freudian slip. are many thresholds. has crossed some them. 84314 re poem with footnotes gary b i like good use of space and a read. would wonder if some parts might be intented falling thanks. as the fingers knew how to unbutton it all transform hands into paddles webbed cleats go up again she did swim through after he in that tunnel saying what had said between page one cover map drier than anything wing-bones grown back those treasure films everyone aware for they x pulled something sacred from its niche 84315 re rewrite w out typos gary b te another fine read. i do not get enough of you. go back to the other house please. a mother threatening withhold love. that is mild. i've heard much worse as i'm sure you have. here his parents would drive us church while fingers fell into my body does seem quit right if are in their car. he might be tucking at your clothes but how far could 4 together thanks. was never allowed date and before first hymn lifting hand mouth d look over congregation god beginning play. for three years found small parts desire hidden stood silent worship mary with all dead angels her feet. no one ever knew we were lovers. even today giving list names say once told me when seven sliding around chair during part revelations jesus comes again find love because those girls who understood word sit. 84316 re last poem first ag hi laurel--pretty much agree with david on this one. some exceptional lines etc. but. other people will try to tell you strong points in themes...to intentionally offer a more kind read...some may ibpc it. but keep working at getting rid of coffins lids hollering night. anything gothic. or i dare write that cuts up the gothic sardonically. are talented laurel. need start writing fiction and out myself...haha. maybe. hu. knows. every swan-neck gloved hand bent fidget fine tune my veil. --miranda field pilfer rifle filch. begin her end staring as if into coffin. close book drop lid. lips stitched imagined mouth effectively silenced. yet. all night reverb your head. hers. his. three words over over. same think. certainly synonymous. finger pointed jabbed his direction. she weren't responsible. didn't skip down aisle. spread legs beg for stolen small amounts stealth often again again. carried off. ransacked only definition were ever familiar with. mother rifling through drawer drawers diary discovered secret stifled written bold letters no less than what she'd suspected hate bitch. appropriated polite way saying furtive casual way. do understand i'm trying say there is bride hidden beneath he slung shoulder off dark black pitch. pit. old well back was never filled in. could stare hole see bottom. whoever said marriage slowest death right. seen winter nights before thaw when crocuses fake spring poke snow caterwauls bitches heat toms prowl have been attributed ghost. read then clamped it slut. forgive typo freudian slip. many thresholds. has crossed them. 84317 re poem with footnotes ag i dunno i'd get rid of and but like towards the end or bracket some them... keep them in first part. second part from go up uses a different way writing so you may consider letting that section. suppose forced conjuctions took away my read as well similes within similes...but maybe that's how children think. probably. case heap on polysyndeton. it seems have entered into child's head. except for 2. didn't care final line enjoyed poem. thanks posting. later gold leaf making her neck burn falling flakes off shelf manner similar to an airplane kite fast loose pull ribbon if fingers knew unbutton all transform hands paddles webbed cleats again she did swim through after he tunnel saying what had said between page one cover map drier than anything wing-bones grown back those treasure films everyone aware they x pulled something sacred its niche 84318 re things you tell children ag hey te--i liked this better with the freudian slips... - in general i found it more prose-like then your usual stuff. best regards when don t believe they are listening my fist lover was a pianist now he is bald truck driver married to woman hair. never allowed date his parents would drive us church while fingers fell into body and before first hymn lifting hand mouth d look over congregation god beginning play. for threes years small parts of hidden as stood silent worship mary all dead angels at her feet. no one ever knew we were lovers even today giving list names do not say but mother once told me seven sliding around chair during part revelation jesus comes again that find love because those girls who understood meaning sit. 84319 re only fools take up accordion last rev ag david--liked this the best of your 3 versions. although i would lose donne quote...most people are familar with that poem think and will recognize three personed god. regards batter my heart three-person'd god - john holy sonnet 14 though our has lately sworn off all menages a quatre bank-account's too small for playing homeless tom in bedlams without breakfasts like college man once did on leave from steady work to which he could return we have wal-mart can watch as pick-up bands ones make music they hear hand-me-down accordions shopping-carts push pull back parking lot so resolutely you do what do. 84320 re drowning in the sexy thing we do rev yoly hey jude- thank you for respectfully allowing me your thoughts. i think when cut some of original text lines didn't clear my meaning. revising is hard work. but don't mind it appreciatingly yo wonderful images and a nice feeling throughout. english usage issues though to ear. im not great at grammar myself however so could be way off base. thanks thoughts inline jude rushing through break day half get where are forgetting that carry warm coffee these work well cause i'm tickling memory feathery fingers on nape. i'd like see 'a' or 'the' either found two bit stilted blue light shirtless come out 209. look as if behind more appears. gaze trickles caramel latte pink blouse. silence ally. visual last line curious. ally what maybe would have spoiled mood he had mentioned stain. hm hook onto belt loop jeans learn forget forewords our unfolding. ok now most loops denim something. also unfolding doesn't ring although sounds nice. does mean follow by kissing vacancy neck teasing little buttons. this combined with him looking appear hmmm. fantasy lover. speaker. annd buttons they coming open 84321 re drowning in the sexy thing we do rev yoly sachi- good to have you read and comment. i've learned i'll never satisfy more than a handful of readers. what works for some -- well know rest. but if i didn't thrive on writing...um appreciate your input as take all advice into consideration...always. peace best about this poem is start. its great opening. first two lines. after that find it packed with images may be deep personal significance narrator infortunately are overused worn. title give away. words follwing.. barring lines confirm suspicion evoked reader. indeed want pursue poem...my suggestion would somehow introduce frenzied expectancy seems feel..more details how she breaks day..might place start perhaps. always you. sachi 84322 sitting on a dry stone wall ctg christopher t george there is in this made before the earth revolved three hundred million circles round sun. sea-lilies and brittle-starfish encrusted limestone are moulded gray blocks quarried from hill. men nine generations ago piled stone. with measured care they settled each block their chafed palms. here mossy cleft blue flower that seeded just last march. as i sit know can not rend such mysteries time. yet kick time wonder dull thud loose behind my heel. now . t. 84324 the bullshit papers sbern chapter one-- ... and have dominion over fish of sea birds air every living thing that moves upon earth. once we had it-- sublime poetry. a woman moved earth-- more to issue than bird is 'a moving earth'-- saith those who live only their faith moment earth delimiting index rapture. literally-- now men it. good ephemeral-- say for afternoon play with annabel leigh on isle curfu-- but should it last prosper another needs writing male's top-heaviness though pages languish in pseudopigrapha -- some-sucher 1610 would plucked out or spilled ink pots across then called blotters. daughters zion-- your vessels under substantive control-- comfort one after minute spend clot closing bedroom doors they will sleep there floors. another-- doomsday coming dandelions soaked by ida's hillside flowing creek aside barn glide swans house holland pond finland stations all nations lolita annie lee tahiti's naked islandettes. really good-- chain tight night oxygen need not be clean-- less days breath trees grow rakes rake women nurse bake. if god soon comes again dominion's press graduation dress lifts care wet yellow leaves underfoot spring-- laughter laughers drinking uffizi's bellini water sinking nor starve slaughter. cry nothing matters personal salvation daughter she's vegas whore left frogs heaven boils serpents en-horned. possessed you given enough world time-- all's well clock's tick no corrective rod staff. taken clouds rising there-- elevation blood lamb. 84325 re afterword sbern there was no imputation in my note of you iterating an idea or theme yeats'. 'your' possessive case before the gerund ... one more common grammar errors. i correct thus not to piss off say have ten times less sense fowler a notch down needs be taken 84326 re sitting on a dry stone wall ctg sbern dear pal i like the 'ago' and 'now.' sense of 'now' -- maybe 'dasein' is right word. daseinsanalysts to my reading emply much your intent as gather from this poem-- many other poems 'realize communal.' delighted 84327 re sitting on a dry stone wall ctg christopher t george dear pal i like the 'ago' and 'now.' sense of 'now' -- maybe 'dasein' is right word. daseinsanalysts to my reading emply much your intent as gather from this poem-- many other poems 'realize communal.' delighted sbern thanks glad you liked piece. chris 84328 re only fools take up accordion revision geoff dear poet at some point one gets more interested in writing poetry for the sake of than defending one's honor. i hope you get there soon. best 84329 re drowning in the sexy thing we do rev yoly david- thank you for giving another one of my poems a go. wrong. b read d. steele. well alrighty. i must have missed fine print not post if your poem has inane or trivial details yuppies lives. peace agree with sachi but two further observations. think wanted to write hit song this title couldn't so figured you'd try salvage something poem. caramel latte - sorry i'm really down on nonsense nonsense. want and yuppie's life can danielle steele any number her wanna-be clones. david halitsky 84330 re the bullshit papers geoff chapter one-- for s bern. after reading two or three stanzas of pure ranting and raving i felt writer did not need this reader anymore. thank you ... have dominion over fish sea birds air every living thing that moves upon earth. once we had it-- sublime poetry. a woman moved earth-- more to issue than bird is 'a moving earth'-- saith those who live only their faith moment earth delimiting index rapture. literally-- now men it. good ephemeral-- say afternoon play with annabel leigh on isle curfu-- but should it last prosper another needs writing male's top-heaviness though pages languish in pseudopigrapha -- some-sucher 1610 would plucked out spilled ink pots across then called blotters. daughters zion-- your vessels under substantive control-- comfort one minute spend clot closing bedroom doors they will sleep there floors. another-- doomsday coming dandelions soaked by ida's hillside flowing creek aside barn glide swans house holland pond finland stations all nations lolita annie lee tahiti's naked islandettes. really good-- chain tight night oxygen be clean-- less days breath trees grow rakes rake women nurse bake. if god soon comes again dominion's press graduation dress lifts care wet yellow leaves underfoot spring-- laughter laughers drinking uffizi's bellini water sinking nor starve slaughter. cry nothing matters personal salvation daughter she's vegas whore left frogs heaven boils serpents en-horned. possessed given enough world time-- all's well clock's tick no corrective rod staff. taken clouds rising there-- elevation blood lamb. sbern 84331 re only fools take up accordion last rev david halitsky ag - thanks for taking the time to comment. it was actually harder than might appear get prosodically right words in places and then check them thematic contextual legitimacy. hand-me-down resolutely are two that saved my ass on this one woulda been deep s without them. regards 84332 re the bullshit papers christopher t george chapter one-- ... and have dominion over fish of sea birds air every living thing that moves upon earth. once we had it-- sublime poetry. a woman moved earth-- more to issue than bird is 'a moving earth'-- saith those who live only their faith moment earth delimiting index rapture. literally-- now men it. good ephemeral-- say for afternoon play with annabel leigh on isle curfu-- but should it last prosper another needs writing male's top-heaviness though pages languish in pseudopigrapha -- some-sucher 1610 would plucked out or spilled ink pots across then called blotters. daughters zion-- your vessels under substantive control-- comfort one after minute spend clot closing bedroom doors they will sleep there floors. another-- doomsday coming dandelions soaked by ida's hillside flowing creek aside barn glide swans house holland pond finland stations all nations lolita annie lee tahiti's naked islandettes. really good-- chain tight night oxygen need not be clean-- less days breath trees grow rakes rake women nurse bake. if god soon comes again dominion's press graduation dress lifts care wet yellow leaves underfoot spring-- laughter laughers drinking uffizi's bellini water sinking nor starve slaughter. cry nothing matters personal salvation daughter she's vegas whore left frogs heaven boils serpents en-horned. possessed you given enough world time-- all's well clock's tick no corrective rod staff. taken clouds rising there-- elevation blood lamb. sbern some strong here geoff correct extent this rant dependent whether reader buys speaker's point view which may not. i also find historical cultural allusions place lack focus. thanks sharing. chris 84333 re only fools take up accordion last rev sbern hello -- or fall in love rush where angels fear to tread. are known do foolish things-- hence 'fool.' i'm wondering if that man who played the on lawrence welk show con- sidered himself a fool trying get three hypostases and how wal-mart participated coun- cil of constantinople 381. also right now cell calling four my hottest sweeties for an after- noon 'battering' with lot energy heart-- maybe will up. god never had it so good no matter he is not done hast doone. there four. i liked your poem like doone better when talks naughty. 84334 re poem with footnotes geoff re. for david ayers. this has tons of style. pound-like in its insistence. a prophetic stance more interested finding an ear prophets than presenting prophecies. alternately ninety percent string and no teabag. best later the gold leaf making her neck burn falling flakes off shelf manner similar to airplane but like kite fast loose pull ribbon as if fingers knew how unbutton it all transform hands into paddles webbed cleats go up again she did swim through after he that tunnel saying what had said between page one cover map drier anything wing-bones grown back those treasure films everyone aware they x pulled something sacred from niche 84335 re the bullshit papers sbern there is some strong writing here but geoff correct to extent that this a rant and dependent on whether reader buys speaker's point of view which they may not. i also find historical cultural allusions be all over place lack focus. thanks for sharing. chris please never again say it not true rants raves must focus should it's rave rant. read title 84336 re sitting on a dry stone wall ctg david halitsky - well we're gettin somewhere i can actually crit this one to wit 1 encrusted in limestone way too easy and states what should be implied 2 chafed palms is the right color wrong hue hard think of correct monosyllable here but it ain't maybe raw burred it's out there 3 mossy cleft come no pain gain 4 rend hey chris at least know how do high-falutin anyway would like see revision that will let me discuss some more subtle issues technique theme. 84337 re drowning in the sexy thing we do rev geoff re. things... for yoly. this is bigtime sensual. that i enjoyed. if only more of truth were present here... a swig joy paid by multiple rounds reverse. but you know somewhere. best rushing through it break day half to get where are forgetting carry warm coffee cause i'm tickling memory feathery fingers on nape. blue light and shirtless come out 209. look as behind me appears. your gaze trickles caramel latte my pink blouse. silence ally. hook onto belt loop jeans learn forget forewords our unfolding. follow kissing vacancy neck teasing off little buttons. 84338 re only fools take up accordion last rev david halitsky hey sb... thanks for stopping by to comment glad it registered at some level. 84339 re the bullshit papers david halitsky sbern - now here's a surprise for you i actually thought this was not rant and well-done. that it all hasn't been said before but make somewhat new your own at least duration of read. needs lot cutting grafting swapping-out swapping-in think got something here can work with if care to. don't choose to revise then oh well ... 84340 re the bullshit papers christopher t george please never again say thanks for sharing. is it not true that rants and raves must lack focus should it's rave rant. read title sbern oh you mean poem meant to be as ctg 84341 re afterword david halitsky sbern - the notion that 's -ing gerundive is not in virtual free variation with non-possessive modern us english actually a hall-mark of prescriptive grammarian descriptive syntactician. there are cases which still demand possessive but they few and far between. to spare you embarassment would accur were i list my publications talks syntax will simply content myself saying don't teach your grandmother suck eggs . 84342 re afterword asher the search for a discernible past is through rubble spokes of broken wheels species thought. to arrive at rib cage narrative or an imagined past--at form that imagined. or. memory atrium invades and persuades this where plants climb walls--ivy in fact--as they did day before. growth incremental. place gains architecture baroque postmodern. turning back lingering--shards have their own organs but one finally arrives heart ventricle room with view without verdant beats darkness--the bat still flitting backward sea screeching voice darkness swooned nocturnal voiced now requires another voice. shards settle asked both arrival departure.a which sprouts space roots banyan tree trunk self jinns gather around. foreign language comma crowd people. agoraphobic crowds unleashed on symbol fire speckles who hearth. alienate latinate word bringing fair tidings pieces within brackets. association dissociation. force linking make change places present. thing certain. can be heard as text written language. taming beginning aorta.someone pulses thinking doesn't look forward demands release both. present inter fuse different points chronograph scattered point willing joined space. itself sounds voices sprout landing will account multidimensional multi lucid bodied. not. chronology not road distinct intersects maze. maze entrance into road. selves multiply meet emerging from embodying last sprouting ground illusory moored space... only begin belong truck gathers outskirts assembles. disassemble dissonant speech. weave changed. character becomes someone else when she encounters amazed lost voices. it body collides fractions self. created. brink building. perhaps creates rooted were always audition. tongue epithelium skin enfold it. unearthed sound. if has environ remains unplanted unfixed by attempts build moats. let's say captain ancient mariner afloat throng poets--if could fix sign be--god knows there god janitor some immigrant romania reading skiff upside down. we are present.one 84343 the bullshit papers ii asher afterword i. search for a discernible past is through rubble spokes of broken wheels species thought. to arrive at rib cage narrative or an imagined past--at form that imagined. or. memory atrium invades and persuades this where plants climb walls--ivy in fact--as they did day before. growth incremental. place gains architecture baroque postmodern. ii. turning back lingering--shards have their own organs but one finally arrives heart ventricle room with view without verdant beats darkness--the bat still flitting backward sea screeching voice darkness swooned nocturnal voiced now requires another voice. shards settle asked both arrival departure.a which sprouts space roots banyan tree trunk self jinns gather around. foreign language comma crowd people. agoraphobic crowds unleashed on symbol fire speckles who hearth. alienate latinate word bringing fair tidings pieces within brackets. association dissociation. force linking make change places present. thing certain. can be heard as text written language. iii. taming beginning aorta.someone pulses thinking doesn't look forward demands release both. present inter fuse different points chronograph scattered point willing joined space. itself sounds voices sprout landing will account multidimensional multi lucid bodied. not. chronology not road distinct intersects maze. maze entrance into road. selves multiply meet emerging from embodying last sprouting ground illusory moored space... only begin belong truck gathers outskirts assembles. disassemble dissonant speech. weave changed. character becomes someone else when she encounters amazed lost voices. it body collides fractions self. created. brink building. perhaps creates rooted were always audition. tongue epithelium skin enfold it. unearthed sound. if has environ remains unplanted unfixed by attempts build moats. let's say captain ancient mariner afloat throng poets--if could fix sign be--god knows there god janitor some immigrant romania reading skiff upside down. iv. we are present.one 84344 re the bullshit papers sbern for s bern. after reading two or three stanzas of pure ranting and raving i felt writer did not need this reader anymore. thank you geoff 'for' no sir-- bow before. think it's too-- hence title 'the papers. question is-- is it to rapture lies around corner-- say next july 15 those who believe in rap- ture are full all know-- will continue speak out against strangle religious right born-again christians have on our country enviroment. content form-- dequincey didn't like either-- see his essay didactic poetry. at least could referenced man as back-up your rebuke. some rebukes don't cotton back-ups-- reasons. they just good company still spirits 84345 re the bullshit papers lol oh you mean poem is meant to be read as ctg of course. yet i must insist on 'bullshittedness' rapture thing. delighted sbern 84346 re sitting on a dry stone wall ctg sbern i sure hope george rewrites-- can't wait for the 'depthy' crit. hold breath until that time ... 84347 re only fools take up accordion revision david halitsky geoff - thanks for taking the time to stop by. btw jazz context you have sought write about in two recent poems here and at ar doesn't sound anything like your poems. give an example. when dizzy gillespie heard armenian oud player charles ganimian do swing low sweet chariot on turkish round table downstairs from ratfinkroom nyc he dg said him cg chick are a motherfucker. that's kinda what sounded era seem try be recalling with such nostalgia. tell if wanna salvage some of honor poem that really makes someone think concerto aranjuez md's sketches spain album. bet can't it how much 84348 lol sbern i loved every word and still love will throughout eternity-- if live that long. bullshit has finally got its due. you see content is not the substance of bullshit-- only proof capable proving bullshit. glad it this way ... think a lot good can come from it. delighted afterword i. search for discernible past through rubble spokes broken wheels species thought. to arrive at rib cage narrative or an imagined past--at form imagined. or. memory atrium invades persuades where plants climb walls--ivy in fact--as they did day before. growth incremental. place gains architecture baroque postmodern. ii. turning back lingering--shards have their own organs but one arrives heart ventricle room with view without verdant beats darkness--the bat flitting backward sea screeching voice darkness swooned nocturnal voiced now requires another voice. shards settle asked both arrival departure.a which sprouts space roots banyan tree trunk self jinns gather around. foreign language comma crowd people. agoraphobic crowds unleashed on symbol fire speckles who hearth. alienate latinate bringing fair tidings pieces within brackets. association dissociation. force linking make change places present. thing certain. be heard as text written language. iii. taming beginning aorta.someone pulses thinking doesn't look forward demands release both. present inter fuse different points chronograph scattered point willing joined space. itself sounds voices sprout landing account multidimensional multi lucid bodied. not. chronology road distinct intersects maze. maze entrance into road. selves multiply meet emerging embodying last sprouting ground illusory moored space... begin belong truck gathers outskirts assembles. disassemble dissonant speech. weave changed. character becomes someone else when she encounters amazed lost voices. body collides fractions self. created. brink building. perhaps creates rooted were always audition. tongue epithelium skin enfold unearthed sound. environ remains unplanted unfixed by attempts build moats. let's say captain ancient mariner afloat throng poets--if could fix sign be--god knows there god janitor some immigrant romania reading skiff upside down. iv. we are present.one 84349 re the bullshit papers geoff re. bullshit. for s. bern. hearing that a bad poem was written because one decided to write strikes me as most fantastic explanation yet i think poems get wrong person chose theme and lacked sense pull up after first few stanzas enjoy this bright sunday 'for' no thank you sir-- bow before. it's too-- hence title 'the papers. question is-- is it rapture lies around corner-- say next july 15 or those who believe in rap- ture are full of all know-- will continue speak out against strangle religious right born-again christians have on our country enviroment. content form-- not dequincey didn't like either-- see his essay didactic poetry. at least could referenced man back-up your rebuke. some rebukes don't cotton back-ups-- reasons. they just sbern good company still spirits 84350 re drowning in the sexy thing we do rev yoly dearest geoff- what is truth thank you for commenting. peace to re. things... yoly. this bigtime sensual. that i enjoyed. if only more of were present here... a swig joy paid by multiple rounds reverse. but know somewhere. best geoff 84351 re afterword sbern oh shit-- i'm in it now. i think correct -- but a list of your achievements should the matter end. description and prescription favor inscription-- which message if time delivered would have saved us from furies war 1812. just as sonny liston ali's phanton puch gerund takes dive. prescriptive grammarian proud ... - notion that 's -ing gerundive is not virtual free variation with non-possessive modern english actually hall-mark descriptive syntactician. there are cases still demand possessive they few far between. to spare you embarassment accur were my publications talks syntax will simply content myself saying don't teach grandmother suck eggs . david halitsky 84352 lol-- a fantastic explanation sbern no you have ruined my sunday because of your thick-headedness. sunday's delight depends upon goodwill-- these two sentences are not indicative how i really feel. must 'face-value' all if post 'thing' that might come before eyes. see say it's bad poem. bullshit. why do equate badness with bullshit think good poem-- but far worse than any yours i've read. never flown the f-86 so wouldn't know from poetry. yes obsolete now-- there was time. pure poetry-- in motion. and admire man who can halt say-- i'm writting poetry better stop. like recovering vertical stall ... cheer up get laid for s. bern. hearing poem written one decided to write strikes me as most yet poems wrong person chose theme lacked sense pull after first few stanzas enjoy this bright geoff 84353 re the bullshit papers sbern - now here's a surprise for you i actually thought this was not rant and well-done. that it all hasn't been said before but make somewhat new your own at least duration of read. needs lot cutting grafting swapping-out swapping-in think got something here can work with if care to. don't choose to revise then oh well ... david halitsky thanks pal do many ranting again-- know from shinola. in fact washes off shinola doesn't without hard scrubbing. someone wrote screwtape letters-- would write poem call letters papers-- same. because we be friends we're about same age-- i'm 71-- am sorry snotty threat whitewash george's rewrite should he decide so. yeats lack need crawl upon wagonette scream... reason pussy. have given maude goone good all-night screwing did she crawled him screamed give me hump as southern's candy years later. early alzheimer's can't keep my thoughts on track. focus forget it. 84354 thanks for ... sbern the diversion. yesterday i lost 285 playing on-line texas hold'em. was determined to get it back this morning-- but came del sol got side- tracked in silliness my pals probably saved me money. i'm a dredful poker slump. any ideas how can out of apologizing chapter one-- bullshit papers and have dominion over fish sea birds air every living thing that moves upon earth. once we had it-- sublime poetry. woman moved earth-- more issue than bird is 'a moving earth'-- saith those who live only their faith moment earth delimiting index rapture. literally-- now men it. good ephemeral-- say afternoon play with annabel leigh on isle curfu-- should last prosper another needs writing male's top-heaviness though pages languish pseudopigrapha -- some-sucher 1610 would plucked or spilled ink pots across then called blotters. daughters zion-- your vessels under substantive control-- comfort one after minute spend clot closing bedroom doors they will sleep there floors. another-- doomsday coming dandelions soaked by ida's hillside flowing creek aside barn glide swans house holland pond finland stations all nations lolita annie lee tahiti's naked islandettes. really good-- chain tight night oxygen need not be clean-- less days breath trees grow rakes rake women nurse bake. if god soon comes again dominion's press graduation dress lifts care wet yellow leaves underfoot spring-- laughter laughers drinking uffizi's bellini water sinking nor starve slaughter. cry nothing matters personal salvation daughter she's vegas whore left frogs heaven boils serpents en-horned. possessed you given enough world time-- all's well clock's tick no corrective rod staff. taken clouds rising there-- elevation blood lamb. 84355 re the bullshit papers david halitsky sbern - not only did he but actually asked maude for hand of her daughter. i felt so bad when learned that because had to feel pity him man master. saw innisfree waterfall tower and tombstone was over there in 1987. if could find work i'd live there. no take back kinsale like it then. best regards 6 9 48 close enough my first ex-wife will be 71 july. 84356 re biting the hand thanks to all of you laurel for taking time read my poem and comment. not best i'll admit. have give this another look. i think something say about feeding forest---and ain't it. grin again each you. 84357 re three ways to interpret rain laurel gee i thought this was pretty damned good. i'm trying figure out why it got the paltry feedback received. surprised annmarie didn't stop by and nod in appreciation. or mister ayers. seems poem might be up either of their alleys. have no nits. nodding with your permission i'll nominate at month's end for ibpc. s a love he said. wise ones nodded.intransitive. they knew all objects could take. about authors separated absorbent walls tiny cell father son marked time after cutting drying wives into edible pieces. sat down feasted alone company passing portions round until were left eyes once likened oceans skies flame set off alarm. wrote on pervious permanent markers. sometimes mapping reverse each other procrastinating thoughts. wailing one grilled window voices scattered like pollen that must await more root. amazing how minds would meet train lines mistresses sly edge where sky bent. now poem. 'three rain' upon frog dying goldfish accidentally tipped bowl watched dancing death. 84358 re the good wife's guide laurel i like intro. and poem. enough that i'll give it an ibpc nod at month's end. no nits. imagine that. grin know know. i'm always messing with your formatting. yeah could say i'd love to see this formatted in more of a prose poem format block text mimic poem's source....but really as is worked for me. jude. damn first 2 poems i've read on board evening are be considered ibpc. wonder if 3's charm enjoyed reading this. housekeeping monthly monday may 13 1955 1. have dinner ready. plan ahead even night before delicious meal ready time his return. way letting him you been thinking about concerned needs. most men hungry when they come home prospect especially favourite dish part warm welcome needed. once week or so should cook nude serve everything glass use satin slips table mats show concern lie plates across thigh but let sure must tell plans day each thought he'll think you're hiding something all see-through bare open stress will too much lift rice fish right off belly drop trash that'll you'll end up lying there some kind while husband dark study pours maple syrup over white buns what wife would then 84359 re poem with footnotes laurel ah the third i've read tonight is a charm. smile but alas i cannot reward it as have previous 2 poems an ibpc nod. that's okay. you'll find home won't you this sublime. so enjoy reading your work. it's not like anyone else's can think of or point to. who are inspires need to know. want you're reading. and please don't say jorie. grin jorie had helluva resistance up toward her writing. maybe time relent eh i'm glad this. wanted last night didn't. figured would daunt me. make me whine why can't write didn't did whine. happy. 3 for on read. later gold leaf making neck burn falling in flakes off shelf manner similar airplane kite fast loose pull ribbon if fingers knew how unbutton all transform hands into paddles webbed cleats go again she swim through after he that tunnel saying what said between page one cover map drier than anything wing-bones grown back those treasure films everyone aware they x pulled something sacred from its niche 84360 re lol asher hehe. well i'm there with you shit-sifting trying to find one form of writing that works. yeah the funny thing is many magazines would publish our crap if we revised it. ha. i should do this for a living. no back novel and em forester. perhaps. children's literature fairytales. yet must insist on 'bullshittedness' rapture thing. sn berne writes. perhaps my poem has some urgent themes i'll address in another venueeeee. need garden. ag loved every word still love will throughout eternity-- live long. bullshit finally got its due. see content not substance bullshit-- only proof capable proving bullshit. glad it way ... think lot good can come from delighted sbern 84361 re poem with footnotes david ayers ah the third i've read tonight is a charm. smile but alas i cannot reward it as have previous 2 poems an ibpc nod. that's okay. you'll find home won't you this sublime. so enjoy reading your work. it's not like anyone else's can think of or point to. who are inspires need to know. want you're reading. and please don't say jorie. grin jorie had helluva resistance up toward her writing. maybe time relent eh i'm glad this. wanted last night didn't. figured would daunt me. make me whine why can't write didn't did whine. happy. 3 for on read. laurel hey thanks. hmm lately anyhow. though if looking less daunting graham might early collection hybrids plants ghosts. there more linear traditional in approach. --d 84362 re poem with footnotes david ayers geoff thanks. for once i concur. --d re. ayers. this has tons of style. pound-like in its insistence. a prophetic stance more interested finding an ear prophets than presenting prophecies. alternately ninety percent string and no teabag. best 84363 re poem with footnotes david ayers asher thanks. mm i had trouble deciding on the ands buts etc. maybe some additional tinkering is in order. --d dunno i'd get rid of and but like towards end or bracket them... keep them first part. second part from go up uses a different way writing so you may consider letting that section. suppose forced conjuctions took away my read as well similes within similes...but that's how children think. probably. case heap polysyndeton. it seems have entered into child's head. except for 2. didn't care final line enjoyed poem. thanks posting. 84364 re poem with footnotes david ayers i like good use of space and a read. would wonder if some parts might be intented falling thanks. gary that's idea. thank you. --d 84365 re poem with footnotes david ayers sachi that's an interesting idea too. maybe i could format the to do that. appreciate comments. am not 100 sold on title either. it needs a new one. --d hi like style. smooth. however is immediately clear why this titled thus. while reading thought might be structure in way that reader goes top down when falling and bottom up rising..and read way..it was fun. regards 84366 re sitting on a dry stone wall ctg christopher t george i sure hope rewrites-- can't wait for the 'depthy' crit. hold breath until that time ... sbern to quote bard you do what can 84367 re poem with footnotes david ayers a small suggestion on the order of possibilities... inline logic it seems better that way. noi i think you should start an as if airplane and put in manner those treasure films here nio that's interesting idea. like it. first part certainly. thanks --d 84368 a letter to fiorenza ryan it is nothing more than restful sic boredom that has kept me from kissing the woman bloomed yesterday i dreamt you unable took long trip mountain of your shoulders buried in alpaca wool feel velvet spoon sniffing blossom heard lecture when bill knots reads am happy as paper newt or sound penitent karachi where cannot find wine obstacle too much bear love some thing just barely natural an origami 84369 re a letter to fiorenza david halitsky ryan - forgive me for my arrant philistinism but could you tell and anyothers here who might be confused whether parentheses are used convey optional items about which want opinions as they should in or out b some type of multi-track emulation device now favor with the younger set if wouldn't mind answering this i think poem would then crittable even by philistine such myself. thanks 84370 re a letter to fiorenza david halitsky ryan - sorry for the typo b was meant ask whether parentheses are used in piece as some type of multi-track emulation device i.e. stylistic ... 84371 re last poem first thanks all laurel for the feedback. i feel like i'm banging my head against wall lately. can't seem to write anything worth a damn. guess i'll keep trying because honestly don't know what hell eles do. seriously these crits. it is good that barking up wrong tree. wish could find right tree though. 84373 re three ways to interpret rain sachi laurel i am glad you liked it. beginning be certain write for best regards gee thought this was pretty damned good. i'm trying figure out why it got the paltry feedback received. surprised annmarie didn't stop by and nod in appreciation. or mister ayers. seems poem might up either of their alleys. have no nits. nodding with your permission i'll nominate at month's end ibpc. 84374 re the last silesian anne bonte hi just wanted to say that i find this very touching. above us cawing rooks and grey clouds. around leafless trees falling snow. it's late in january 60 years since gleiwitz-petersdorf was liberated. a frail tiny woman of eighty on our street points her left hand toward frozen ground rests right upon walking stick. when stalin's army came nkvd tortured raped murdered people. both my parents were among dead buried here inside mass grave. sad voice there are hints dialect. later poles from east exhumed them planted built lovely park. dialect vanquished. 84376 re the last silesian david halitsky leo yankevich - this is technical deftness in service of theme. when i say it a great poem mean that has all hallmarks whose greatness would not be seriously argued if one found an anthology on internet board. course because technique line. those who post pieces with oh so creative personificatory images do well to consider mode indirect personification exemplified by also content line you have stated truly new thought here at least me connection between memorial niceties and horrors they obscure. please permit clear about thing more takes us back time evil. been done umpteen thousand times before. still draft might take another look 1 since gleiwitz-petersdorf was liberated. quotes off liberated no need for viewpoint 2 anne frail tiny woman eighty are too easy common given very good image strophe which occur 3 tortured raped murdered our people. again even as direct quote may historical direct. regards 84378 western civ a retrospective david halitsky before all lutes became guitars al oud lute this was caliphate arose by the potomac grew to rival baghdad's fell of its own accord. what further in algebra time could be discerned from suburban alexandria had it not also burned 84379 re a letter to fiorenza ryan thx for reading - i prob should have waited more than few min. post after writing. assume your self-proclaimed title of philistine is the humble way telling me above. taken swallowed. 84382 re the last silesian revised david halitsky leo yankevich - forgive this pseudo-editor's further tinkering but if you've gone to anne a tiny blue-eyed woman of eighty would you consider slightly stronger still at 84383 re a letter to fiorenza david halitsky ryan - actually not. because the title proclaims piece specifically as i think parentheses could work device. something on anyway. 84384 re a letter to fiorenza david ayers hmm well i think parens are great indisposable sometimes but perhaps you use too many here. for instance don't find them effective in the first two strophes rest yeah. these lines particular feel of velvet spoon sniffing blossom heard lecture although my favorite part poem is here when bill knots reads am happy as newt which would word w o paper bc that ought be clear--or anyway there's something interesting about thing coming life--i.e. real thanks enjoyed --d 84387 re western civ a retrospective leo yankevich david underneath the convoluted syntax there is an echo of old man yeats in this. so good ear that can appreciate grand ear. i think if you choose to untangle this may have better poem. enjoyed. before all lutes became guitars al oud lute was caliphate arose by potomac grew rival baghdad's fell its own accord. what further algebra time could be discerned from suburban alexandria had it not also burned 84388 thanks all nm j. formaggio 84389 re western civ a retrospective ryan before all lutes became guitars al oud lute this was --------------------- i enjoyed the structure in first strophe which unfortunately disappears as write progresses . logical provides deeper layer an almost commentary on inevitability and unavoidable outcome. i'm not sure if is intentional - but found it grim only wished further pressed throughout write. caliphate arose by potomac grew to rival baghdad's fell of its own accord. what algebra time could be discerned from suburban alexandria had also burned ------------------------------- bit off course for me asked question reader. seemed different direction approach opening strophe. perhaps work show how complex misunderstood even with fated outcomes world can be. just needs more substance pull subtleties together. thanks sharing -uch appreciated. 84391 re western civ a retrospective geoff re. civ. for david halitsky. i regret this makes so little sense poetic or otherwise and begin to realize that no ordinary reader is prepared it. certainly one at xxx website. perhaps it should appear on all the poetry websites from aaa zzz simultaneously dunno. retiring gravely before lutes became guitars aloud lute was caliphate arose by potomac grew rival baghdad's fell of its own accord. what further in algebra time could be discerned suburban alexandria had not also burned 84392 re a letter to fiorenza ryan thanks too although i do feel my write was hastey and side note hate love poems the fact this borders on one - well meyseflf for creating it. here is newer version w o some of paren. ----------- it nothing more than restful sic boredom that has kept me from kissing woman bloomed yesterday dreamt you unable took long trip mountain your shoulder buried in alpaca wool velvet spoon sniffing blossom heard lecture when bill knots reads am happy as newt or sound penitent somewhere occidental without wine obstacle much bear just barely natural an origami 84394 re only fools take up accordion last rev geoff re. for david halitsky. sir a lot of this the paranthethic remarks to oneself instance might be removed. one may also wonder if more soft spots go as so many have gone before when will piece stand denuded untitled note ability criticize one's own work privately is an essential part writing. best batter my heart three-person'd god - john donne holy sonnet 14 though our has lately sworn off all menages quatre and bank-account's too small playing homeless tom in bedlams without breakfasts like that college man once did on leave from steady which he could return we wal-mart i can watch pick-up bands ones make music they hear hand-me-down accordions shopping-carts push pull back parking resolutely you do what do. 84395 re the last silesian ag an accomplished piece. thanks for posting. above us cawing rooks and grey clouds. around leafless trees falling snow. it's late in january 60 years since gleiwitz-petersdorf was liberated. anne a frail tiny woman of eighty on our street points her left hand toward frozen ground rests right upon walking stick. when stalin's army came nkvd tortured raped murdered people. both my parents were among dead buried here inside mass grave. sad voice there are hints dialect. later poles from east exhumed them planted built this lovely park. dialect vanquished. 84396 leo y - thank you very much for hearing ... david halitsky was there another troy her to burn from yeats' no second . i have argued at one other board that as a strong end-rhyme must bring up this objective correlative anyone who should be reading posing poetry but some still argue the point cf. of responders below. please also note revision which makes last s immeasurably stronger think. thanks again. 84397 revision western civ a retrospective nm david halitsky 84398 re western civ a retrospective david halitsky ryan - thanks for taking the time to comment please see revision of last s in version just posted. regards 84399 re among the missing dmjones mr. halitsky just as dylan always denied an influence by hopkins i will deny dylan...but of course there is that subconscious possibility. my heros are larkin dickey and roethke. alas am not do claim to be a poet. but oh if could endup with handful poems would walkout happy man. way some dylan's best were his last - before booze got him. come think it share devils women wine wales noble word. thanks for taking time comment. regards dennis 84400 re the good wife's guide 2 geoff re. housekeeping monthly may 13 1955 for jude goodwin. harumph i don't see any connection between this well written text and epigraph. can believe that something set your mind a-working but if it's not relevant let it go is a piece heavy on documentary side eminently credible fun to read though i've never smoked cigarettes with tobacco in 'em rest. half way through however begin ask myself -- jeffy baby how going end surprise doesn't at all guess that's what they sent me out say.... best 2. him questions about his actions or question judgment integrity. remember he master of house as such will always exercise fairness truthfulness. you have no right him. after lifetime scorn although might been just my friend debbie met our spot by tracks. under trestle next creek we hunkered feet perched mossy stones. had package father's players filter real smokers didn't do menthol. giggled. copied her older sister friends smiled smoke curled their teeth mouths went poot put fingers together like slim white wand its red stinger circled us. fresh green salmonberry leaves spun roared vomited behind rock looked an ancient ruin. was still early 13th spring were sweating. pulled another cigarette until coal pressed against stinking would million more. five times day three third able pack without even feeling sick. 84401 re among the missing dmjones ms yoly yes that's it music - dance on tongue and voice ear. thanks for comments. regards dennis 84402 one for geoff and the general readership david halitsky eine kleine klezmer thanksgiving 1999 she barely can remember now her daddy's good-night kiss cause she's spent almost forty years on learning not to miss father that really never got a chance know how he would have loved if could watched grow. i've heard it all sparrows fall when says it's their time good bad come hand in as part of his design. but once again same then there isn't any why - didn't need learn another new way cry. i still wonder understood mother had black horse passed them by with noone its back. newsmen noted they day well-brought up be hide tears away. must us gossip carried stay widow very long. ever thru tender no microphone or camera caught close tears. design already thirty-six times faced this holiday. there's more dinner plate she'll take so week you bow grace those love best beg some our unwilling saint loss loneliness. 84403 re among the missing dmjones hi barbara its been awhile. thank you so much for nice words - i don't think anyone has ever called one of my poems evocative . heady stuff are too kind. thanks suggestions have a good ear. regards dennis 84404 geoff - please see new piece just posted david halitsky posted. it was specially for you and the general readership. 84405 note posing posting was deliberate typo pun nm david halitsky 84406 sorry here's the revision david halitsky western civ before all lutes became guitars al oud a lute this was caliphate arose by potomac grew to rival baghdad's fell of its own accord. what further in algebra time could also be discerned if suburban alexandria had not coincidentally burned 84407 re a letter to fiorenza ryan eeerrrr. apology - should be bill knott not no pun intended knots 84408 still counting si mon although we must have made love 1 000 times this morning found something new. the heat vents dusty with neglect boom each time warm air shuts off. dog content on carpet beside bed will rise as soon my feet hit floor ready to go out sniff blade for new evidence of night creatures that wandered by. she ll race front yard squat. then it s kids moaning about hour bowls spoons and flakes. shower hissed confession. what sin. single moment before day erupts cannot describe. how nothing eases down our sweating backs. 84410 re still counting asher dear symon---- this is fun. sex poems are groovy. yikes. i was supposed to critique but well can't today. am here only enjoy. huuuuuuu although we must have made love 1 000 times morning found something new. the heat vents dusty with neglect boom each time warm air shuts off. dog content on carpet beside bed will rise as soon my feet hit floor ready go out sniff blade for new evidence of night creatures that wandered by. she ll race front yard squat. then it s kids moaning about hour bowls spoons and flakes. shower hissed confession. what sin. single moment before day erupts cannot describe. how nothing eases down our sweating backs. 84412 the good wife's guide 3 jude goodwin housekeeping monthly 13 may 1955 3. listen to him. you have a dozen important things tell him but moment of his arrival is not time. let talk first. remember topics conversation are more than yours. he wanted know it all light as flooded kitchen just baby cried her housecoat pink or yellow today snapping stove lit kettle warm teapot brush daughter's curls through another little white shirt smell milk on breath its quick searching along cheek sounds turquoise radio and it's wonderful world tossing rice pablum mommy smiling humming long day with details was desperate for most when home at last she would duck away coat in arms watching from minder eyes like night owls ready flight. 84414 re still counting jude goodwin this is a beautiful tribute si mon could be trimmed bit i think or maybe the bits slightly different comments inline respectfully although we must have made love 1 000 times morning found something new. heat vents dusty with neglect boom each time warm air shuts off. dog content on carpet beside bed will rise as soon my feet hit floor good start ready to go out sniff blade for new evidence of night creatures that wandered by. she ll race front yard squat. there nothing distinguish section. it seems like needs less telly and more expressive in smells looks feelings touch taste - now reference sound look her soemthing then s kids moaning about hour bowls spoons flakes. shower hissed confession. what sin. these three lines are very cool. single moment before day erupts cannot describe. how eases down our sweating backs. not sure last sentence means ps sorry name mixup earlier corrected 84417 re sorry here's the revision christopher t george western civ before all lutes became guitars al oud a lute this was caliphate arose by potomac grew to rival baghdad's fell of its own accord. what further in algebra time could also be discerned if suburban alexandria had not coincidentally burned hello david i love way you post big fanfare that is virtually same as original and equally shallow. chris 84418 re sorry here's the revision david halitsky ctg - please feel free to ad hom me as often you like for three reasons. first i know it makes better. second also look ridiculous precisely because are such a distinguished and commanding presence in poenetry. third reminds of this great chinese restaurant at fordham rd grand concourse which used be bronx hom. love feeling nostalgic. btw neologism poenetry is pronounced po-any-tree means that some folks virtually anything posted on web can considered poetry 84419 re western civ a retrospective asher david--you have the ego size of empire state building. you complain to me at one point about being unwilling unravel poems and give poem with caliphate hey i'm musselman in spirit so i dug that pontomac what de hell is dat anyway ambitious but fails deliver home. some subtle sound effects strophe 1 2. why aim delivering message often. try something more no on after zora neale hurston all messages morals anything sydney moralizing. world has had enough humanism isms. thinking my relaxed suburban house country district 3 t junction between alamosa crestone colorado way buffalo burger joint memphis. quaint. before lutes became guitars al oud lute this was arose by potomac grew rival baghdad's fell its own accord. further algebra time could be discerned from alexandria it not also burned 84420 re western civ a retrospective david halitsky asher - thanks for stopping by as always. but i am curious. leo yankevich got this poem down to tee. is self-evident from the fact that he heard exact line of yeats' should have heard. how come you didn't hear it and what does do with size my ego furthermore talk about sound-effects in s1 s2 when only real entire piece are components sustained assonance s3 further algebra time could also be discerned if suburban alexandria had not coincidentally burned finally need something easy crit can tackle most recent toppost. promise transparent mass culture gemutlich all get-out. 84421 notes my father left in arkansas 1975 bowen what i know of is silence his finger rubbing the edge ear feeling hair that grew there black long ago but grey since can remember. stare white passes for forgetfulness. he looks out windows and takes arrangement surrounding like a man back from sea. think wants to stop wipe hands over face open eyes find life begun anew as field hand where no one cares if speaks or remains silent weeks. once m told took car beyond lights our town drove through drive-in theatre uprooting cables connecting actors voices cars. they said could never name devil conjured night wished d come take him among ruins. 84422 re the good wife's guide 3 bowen jude i've seen some other versions of this floating around. my biggest nit is that lack punctuation stopping me i believe from enjoying it. are you making a point keep-em-barefoot-n-pregnat i.e. ignorant comment with missing a. housekeeping monthly 13 may 1955 3. listen to him. have dozen important things tell him but moment his arrival not time. let talk first. remember topics conversation more than yours. he wanted know it all light as flooded kitchen just baby cried her housecoat pink or yellow today snapping stove lit kettle warm teapot brush daughter's curls through another little white shirt smell milk on breath its quick searching along cheek sounds turquoise radio and it's wonderful world tossing rice pablum mommy smiling humming long day details was desperate for most when home at last she would duck away coat in arms watching minder eyes like night owls ready flight. 84424 re last poem first lauren i wouldn't say that you can't write anything worth a damn lately -- actually really like this poem. my only suggestion is to play with the structure. think could benefit from some better line breaks and closer attention what looks like. as far content goes though it. at didn't freudian slip end but on re-read do. don't see having gothic overtones...it's an extremely dramatic tells intense story so therefore idea of woman hollering into night seems apt animalistic nature description interesting when compared word slut well women who aren't quite tame . sorry response little scattered after critiquing undergrad fiction for past few months i'm rusty anyway do feel it has real potential. every swan-neck gloved hand bent fidget fine tune veil. --miranda field pilfer rifle filch. begin her staring if coffin. close book drop lid. lips stitched imagined mouth effectively silenced. yet. all reverb in your head. or hers. his. three words over over. same think. certainly synonymous. finger pointed jabbed his direction. she weren't responsible. skip down aisle. spread legs beg stolen small amounts stealth often again again. carried off. ransacked definition were ever familiar with. mother rifling through drawer drawers diary discovered secret stifled written bold letters no less than she'd suspected hate bitch. appropriated polite way saying furtive casual way. understand trying there bride hidden beneath he slung shoulder off night. dark black pitch. pit. old out back was never filled in. stare hole bottom. whoever said marriage slowest death right. seen winter nights before thaw crocuses fake spring poke up snow caterwauls bitches heat toms prowl have been attributed ghost. read then clamped slut. forgive typo slip. are many thresholds. crossed them. 84425 re you must hold me in your lap while the news is lauren sherry i love attitude this poem last line - wow fantastic. that said there are a few lines didn't entirely win over. i've noted them for to consider. on. we make group of two. media moments head don't like here -- it just seems too predictable word into gray and wise hair nest those pestering strands. stab icons canned sounds escape an embrace no one else understands. frankly can't visualize these lines. what being stabbed going intolerant our hearts bombing babies others . w e sacrifice own under impact arms got rid second whip genitals. young people die especially blonde bourgeois dead-eyed-in-the-camera kids infant ooze rot down roots fruit. baby m ovulating damaged eggs. i'm not clear on shift from describing descriptions they sound teenagers. did mean figurative sense as someone's beloved children also completely sure watched by speaker something want little but only more context. really enjoyed poem. good luck with 84426 re western civ a retrospective asher dear david-- i do not feel impelled to get this getting being complete fallacy...consider wimsatt's and beadsley's essay entitled the intentional fallacy elucidate position. you seem be trying very hard generate 1 authorial intention reader interpretation your poems which is frankly laughable. don't want hear yeats. yeats dead. ego admirable but completely bound up in circular constricted thinking unfortunately it reflects ideas regards poetics. perchance heard something strophe one that didn't intend. how bout that. above author's intention. threatening of course for poet who obsessed with relations. huuuu. no offense intended. just question posed. could give rhytmic reason metrical rhetorical syntactical sounds haven't time nor inclination. heart brother hu ag - thanks stopping by as always. am curious. leo yankevich got poem down tee. self-evident from fact he exact line yeats' should have heard. come what does size my furthermore talk about sound-effects s1 s2 when only real entire piece are components sustained assonance s3 further algebra also discerned if suburban alexandria had coincidentally burned finally need easy crit can tackle most recent toppost. promise transparent mass culture gemutlich all get-out. david halitsky 84427 re notes my father left in arkansas 1975 annmarie eldon i would suggest a small shift line ends what know of is silence his finger rubbing the edge ear feeling hair that grew there black long ago but grey since can remember. stare white passes for forgetfulness. he looks out windows and takes arrangement surrounding like man back from sea. think wants to stop wipe hands over face open eyes find life begun anew as field hand where no one cares if speaks or remains silent weeks. once m told took car beyond lights our town drove through drive-in theatre uprooting cables connecting actors voices cars' cars . they said could never name devil conjured night wished d come take him among ruins. best 84428 re still counting david halitsky si mon - 1 there is considerable technical deftness here all put to the service of . what 2 i can see a pattern in certain postings at twb which also manifest gaz make sure end your poem with line or two an indirect personification and even better abstract notion coupled concrete image. let me ask you these questions suppose some editors said they would publish this but only if permitted them capitalize n nothing b c not why ii it piece 84429 re western civ a retrospective david halitsky asher - wimsatt and beadsley weren't they the lawyers in dickens' bleak house can you not see how amusing it is that take me to task for appealing authority of authorial intent then post later appeal yourself your point wrong whether yours alone or said more authoritatively by w b. iow i would rather have cohones be authoritative under my own steam than try get further traction from critics. 84430 life among the ruins david halitsky bowen - googleonloveamongtheruins are we to hear an echo of love in ending this piece or is that committing fallacy assuming there such a thing as authorial intent if was written without knowledge other phrase then all honesty i think it needs be changed. 84431 re notes my father left in arkansas 1975 bowen am thanks for the read and suggestions. i'll attend to them. again a.b. i would suggest a small shift line ends best annmarie 84432 re life among the ruins bowen dave will address line that offends ye so. - thanks for read. googleonloveamongtheruins are we to hear an echo of love in ending this piece or is committing fallacy assuming there such a thing as authorial intent if was written without knowledge other phrase then all honesty i think it needs be changed. david halitsky 84433 re still counting bowen si mon enjoyed this. it has a hicok feel. my only nit is the very last line. seems too heavy for quite bit like all your other stuff. best a.b. although we must have made love 1 000 times this morning found something new. heat vents dusty with neglect boom each time warm air shuts off. dog content on carpet beside bed will rise as soon feet hit floor ready to go out sniff blade new evidence of night creatures that wandered by. she ll race front yard squat. then s kids moaning about hour bowls spoons and flakes. shower hissed confession. what sin. single moment before day erupts cannot describe. how nothing eases down our sweating backs. 84434 another for leo y 1572-1631 1596-1650 david halitsky what's done is of course. but were i god remorse what i'd feel that give no choice to die. could he not have if banned from using son and sun had turn learned just a few back then living as did when linear equations strict notation or the equivalence relation . intense concentrated joy would been his - toy with one in piece until found release escape all heat it takes cook conceits. like bach who put petite deaths into suites which fugue portrays amorous at play. prosodic notes 1 s3l4 downbeat. 2 s4l4 84435 sorry ctg revision 1 david halitsky 1572-1631 1596-1650 what's done is of course. but were i god remorse what i'd feel that give no choice to die. could he not have if banned from using son and sun had turn learned just a few back then living as did when linear equations strict notation or the equivalence relation . intense concentrated joy would been his - toy with one in piece until found release escape all heat it takes cook conceits. like bach who put petite deaths into suites which fugues portray amorous at play. prosodic notes s3l4 downbeat. 2 s4l4 84436 re notes my father left in arkansas 1975 hannah ash- i think this is fairly awkward and stilted throughout missing much of your usual heft energy. the metaphors are mixed enough body poem to pull attention away from derivative moment car running into theater what sets up terms language not a man back sea. field hand where no one cares if he speaks . that final image acts as microcosm for wrong with general. an interesting isn t drafted particularly precise or engaging language. mean. ran drive-in all we get uprooting cables largely syntax tone seem underworked last sentence which pronouns lose grasp on their antecedents. there marked tendency revert sort oblique unreferenced descriptive instead zeroing tension between youth age memory present son .most apparent lines like his stare white passes forgetfulness. it made me briefly b.h. fairchild s early occult systems lower midwest. uses same quiet narrative voice blurring chronology identity speakers characters but quest creating engendering meaning doesn overwhelm does poem. -h 84437 re the good wife's guide 3 hannah hey jude- i like this one. absence of punctuation is predicated upon a deft use line-breaks and switches in tone subject to signal pauses elisions think fairly well-done throughout never stumbled on phrasing when reading out loud. it does tend cause preponderance lines opened by articles but can live with probably. one thing would suggest might be ruthless search-and-destroy mission targeting clich all its forms. light doesn t have flood. curls don brush. more specifically color here up you right now somewhere between husband s idyllic idealized rendering domestic sphere people his simultaneous desire know part hear all. interested see how pushed toward definitive resting as plath someone piercy. half-indictment half-empowerment reclaiming categorical errors. dunno. something there. oh lots it. that gets little dull ear after awhile. still my favorite three. where goes. -h 84438 re notes my father left in arkansas 1975 christopher t george what i know of is silence his finger rubbing the edge ear feeling hair that grew there black long ago but grey since can remember. stare white passes for forgetfulness. he looks out windows and takes arrangement surrounding like a man back from sea. think wants to stop wipe hands over face open eyes find life begun anew as field hand where no one cares if speaks or remains silent weeks. once m told took car beyond lights our town drove through drive-in theatre uprooting cables connecting actors voices cars. they said could never name devil conjured night wished d come take him among ruins. hi ash this poem believe it strong. don't see mixed metaphors hannah sees. also an important image robbing actors' their which relates own wordlessness. statement on technology modern society powerful. contrast halitsky's objection about your last line even reminiscent browning andrei codrescu it's okay borrow dog night. nice work ash. all best chris 84439 mother nature's surprise ctg christopher t george i'm stuck on the marc train whose electricity shorted at bwi airport now we're being pushed snail pace to union station. temps plunge from fifties thirties and snow slants down over windswept anacostia a heron blinks stalking in butterscotch-tinted creek. cherry blossoms they say are only four weeks off but my window blizzards west like ghengis khan's mongol hordes. so who needs terrorists when nature can do her worst t. 84440 re notes my father left in arkansas 1975 david halitsky ctg - wrong from the start as usual. who said that without usual it's ok to borrow intentionally not unintentionally present a conceit new. i took his response me indicating he was aware of similarity. 84441 re mother nature's surprise ctg david halitsky - but from my window snow blizzards the west like ghengis khan's mongol hordes. so who needs where hell are you posting north korea i thought it was baltimore. 84442 re mother nature's surprise ctg christopher t george - but from my window snow blizzards the west like ghengis khan's mongol hordes. so who needs where hell are you posting north korea i thought it was baltimore. david halitsky dc your nation's capital. 84443 re mother nature's surprise ctg david halitsky - ok just wanted to be sure. then in that case please consider the off-read i pointed out may not simply a function of some idiosyncratic personal itch had scratch. 84444 re notes my father left in arkansas 1975 christopher t george ctg - wrong from the start as usual. who said that without usual it's ok to borrow intentionally not unintentionally present a conceit new. i took his response me indicating he was aware of similarity. david halitsky hello yes wording has been heard before but does browning own it some years ago starring sir laurence olivier and katherine hepburn called love among ruins. someone else might end their poem with you do what can -- also heard-before phrase. so don't talk about need for originality halitsky. chris 84445 re life among the ruins david ayers if piece was written without knowledge of other phrase then in all honesty i think it needs to be changed. are you nuts 84446 re notes my father left in arkansas 1975 david halitsky ctg - since the notion of authorial intent does not occur your cognitive universe it is completely understandable why you are grasping point here. 84447 re notes my father left in arkansas 1975 david ayers i agree. damn. besides this is not the place to debate issues like this. start a thread at p n. please. --d hello yes wording has been heard before but does browning own it some years ago starring sir laurence olivier and katherine hepburn called love among ruins. someone else might end their poem with you do what can -- also heard-before phrase. so don't talk about need for originality halitsky. chris 84448 re notes my father left in arkansas 1975 david ayers take this off board please. ctg - since the notion of authorial intent does not occur your cognitive universe it is completely understandable why you are grasping point here. halitsky 84449 re life among the ruins david ayers woops that was erratic. what i meant to say hey there are a lot of different opinions on this topic. perhaps you would like start thread at p n. now. feel better. --d 84450 re life among the ruins david halitsky done. 84451 re notes my father left in arkansas 1975 david halitsky done - see p n 84452 paper dolls stan sutton quietly in the afternoon bedroom door locked cindy opened box of osmonds and i dressed donnie marie mismatched purple. we played 45s on stereo sang puppy love into a pair scissors that cut reality s tethered cord for 3 minutes 12 seconds. served egg creams soda crackers but when she left more records went to bathroom. basin found her mother blue stockings. control top past my shoulders slid them on. pointed toes admired curve foot jingle from tv. returned room only wanted talk about what d done marie. ruined forced off air with suggestions attire. then. it was dark mind. streetlights had come 84453 re paper dolls christopher t george quietly in the afternoon bedroom door locked cindy opened box of osmonds and i dressed donnie marie mismatched purple. we played 45s on stereo sang puppy love into a pair scissors that cut reality s tethered cord for 3 minutes 12 seconds. served egg creams soda crackers but when she left more records went to bathroom. basin found her mother blue stockings. control top past my shoulders slid them on. pointed toes admired curve foot jingle from tv. returned room only wanted talk about what d done marie. ruined forced off air with suggestions attire. then. it was dark mind. streetlights had come hi stan colorful well told piece bit kinky side. an interesting reminiscence good imagery throughout. intriguing. chris 84454 re notes my father left in arkansas 1975 christopher t george i agree. damn. besides this is not the place to debate issues like this. start a thread at p n. please. --d we're glad do so. thanks david. chris 84455 when billie died geoff . just forty-five many people asked which who believed she was dead or quit had to dig her up in mind followed the lonesome grave. self-same day our nickel cup of coffee surety as wise and grand buffalo on five abraham lincolns unfortunate upon memorial went a whole dime. at rockefeller center jehovah witnesses garbed white thronged both sides streets handing out free literature. their smiles dazzling breath sweet. living memory never dared they show faces again. leone 84456 re notes my father left in arkansas 1975 geoff re. for bowen. this entire piece seems to lurk just out of reach. that might be a gratifying exercise write but truth it is only partly written now. the speaker strangely silent on number points their relationship. informs they were not close. note. supernatural element suggested at close too late make an impact nowhere prepared earlier. best what i know silence his finger rubbing edge ear feeling hair grew there black long ago grey since can remember. stare white passes forgetfulness. he looks windows and takes arrangement surrounding like man back from sea. think wants stop wipe hands over face open eyes find life begun anew as field hand where no one cares if speaks or remains weeks. once m told took car beyond lights our town drove through drive-in theatre uprooting cables connecting actors voices cars. said could never name devil conjured night wished d come take him among ruins. eof 84457 re the good wife's guide 3 geoff re. housekeeping monthly 13 may 1955 for jude goodwin. i am not getting off to a start with new cantos. affectation of discarding punctuation surprise is essential understanding makes this that close unreadable. exactly where we came in. best 3. listen him. you have dozen important things tell him but moment his arrival time. let talk first. remember topics conversation are more than yours. he wanted know it all light as flooded kitchen just baby cried her housecoat pink or yellow today snapping stove lit kettle warm teapot brush daughter's curls through another little white shirt smell milk on breath its quick searching along cheek sounds turquoise radio and it's wonderful world tossing rice pablum mommy smiling humming long day details was desperate most when home at last she would duck away coat in arms watching from minder eyes like night owls ready flight. 84458 re one for geoff and the general readership re. eine kleine klezmer thanksgiving 1999 terrible tempered halitsky. i've heard it all how sparrows fall when he says it's their time good bad come hand in as part of his design this is a central stanza which repeated throughout piece. have you considered effect not making too much sense fallen sparrow has to do with knowing personal god nothing small escape attention. i never seen any debate on this. your own interpretation continues idiosyncratically however . clearly refers intelligent or providence. find refrain telescopes two aspects godhead omnipotence providence treats them synonyms breath. that can't be right trust few insomniacs still up collapsed snoring best she barely can remember now her daddy's good-night kiss cause she's spent almost forty years learning miss father really got chance know would loved if could watched grow. design. but once again same then there isn't why - didn't need learn another new way cry. wonder understood mother had black horse passed by noone its back. newsmen noted they day well-brought hide tears away. must us gossip carried stay widow very long. ever thru tender no microphone camera caught close tears. already thirty-six times faced holiday. there's more dinner plate she'll take so week bow grace those love beg some our unwilling saint loss loneliness. 84459 re geoff - please see new piece just posted sidebar from the master. dear poet. you don't have to slant write up or down anything for likes of me. learn and enjoy writing within your present limitations. that would be a big improvement. best posted. it was specially general readership. david halitsky 84460 re the last silesian geoff re. for leo yankevitch. pulling strings so that a few words seem to come out of mouth an embodiment history second world war dept. is child's eye view things me. cartoonish. any it true how much twisted spun what left well easy one nearly everything. best above us cawing rooks and grey clouds. around leafless trees falling snow. it's late in january 60 years since gleiwitz-petersdorf was liberated. anne frail tiny woman eighty on our street points her hand toward frozen ground rests right upon walking stick. when stalin's army came nkvd tortured raped murdered people. both my parents were among dead buried here inside mass grave. sad voice there are hints dialect. later poles from east exhumed them planted built this lovely park. dialect vanquished. 84461 re notes my father left in arkansas 1975 bowen hannah i swear that this morning woke up and thought what does the 'field hand' 'man back from sea' have to do with silence i'm glad you took time for such a detailed crit this. know appreciate it. thanks ass-kicking. lol need it these days. haven't written anything would even come close good month. again. ash- think is fairly awkward stilted throughout missing much of your usual heft energy. metaphors are mixed enough body poem pull attention away derivative moment car running into theater sets terms language not man sea. field hand where no one cares if he speaks . final image acts as microcosm wrong general. an interesting isn t drafted particularly precise or engaging language. mean. ran drive-in all we get uprooting cables largely syntax tone seem underworked last sentence which pronouns lose grasp on their antecedents. there marked tendency revert sort oblique unreferenced descriptive instead zeroing tension between youth age memory present son .most apparent lines like his stare white passes forgetfulness. made me briefly b.h. fairchild s early occult systems lower midwest. uses same quiet narrative voice blurring chronology identity speakers characters but quest creating engendering meaning doesn overwhelm poem. -h 84462 re notes my father left in arkansas 1975 bowen chris thanks for the support on this. i'm glad you enjoyed it. i appreciate your stopping by. authorial intently yours a. hi ash like this poem and believe it is strong. don't see mixed metaphors that hannah sees. also think uprooting of cables an important image since he robbing actors' their voices which relates to his own wordlessness. as a statement technology modern society powerful. contrast halitsky's objection about last line even if reminiscent browning andrei codrescu said it's okay borrow dog night. nice work ash. all best 84463 re one for geoff and the general readership david halitsky no - it could refer to zoroastrian-style aspects of yin yang good bad duality which were suppressed by early church fathers as heretical. also partnerships between jesus satan such that depicted mikhail bulgakov in master margarita . speaking if i have mention novel more time on another net board think i'm gonna puke wasn't gilda radner's line will y'all just go out read fer crissakes 84464 re the good wife's guide 3 jude goodwin hello hannah thank you very much for advice and help sure wish i had some 'hannah' software could run my poems through on a regular basis lol have sharp eye. this poem will be better it appreciating your time ps - think series is over. 4th installment but bit me now i'm done 84465 re the good wife's guide 3 jude goodwin hi geoff never fear this series is dead now for punctuation - commas are writers' and printers' marks telling reader how best to read text sometimes sake of clarity niceties meaning. so i guess was thinking that don't want tell it they see fit. put a pause just run most time write my first drafts without then stick in during revision. thanks as always he wanted know all light flooded kitchen baby cried her housecoat pink or yellow today snapping stove lit kettle warm teapot brush his daughter's curls through another little white shirt smell milk on breath its quick searching along cheek sounds turquoise radio it's wonderful world tossing rice pablum mommy smiling humming long day with details desperate when home at last she would duck away coat arms watching him from minder eyes like night owls ready flight. 84466 re the good wife's guide jude goodwin i like intro. and poem. enough that i'll give it an ibpc nod at month's end. thanks laurel 84467 re when billie died david halitsky sorry bro. see raz at the gaz on bh. 84468 revision 2 two new sections david halitsky 1572-1631 1596-1650 i. what's done is of course. but were i god remorse what i'd feel that give no choice to die. could he not have if banned from using son and sun had turn learned just a few back then living as did when linear equations strict notation or the equivalence relation . intense concentrated joy would been his - toy with one in piece until found release escape all heat it takes cook conceits. like bach who put petite deaths into suites which fugues portray amorous at play. ii. first transitivity. wit likes b thinks c swell well. next symmetricity. electricity j loved by k last reflexivity sad proclivity those let be content 'i love me'. iii. out light light. these said they both summed up one. thus poets know equivalence. only difference must intuit math since can't do it. 84469 revision 3 new final couplet david halitsky iii. put out the light and then light. but when these two were said done they both summed up to one. thus poets know equivalence with just one difference though can't pursue it can still intuit. prosodic notes in section i 1 s1l4 no takes downbeat. 2 s3l4 had s4l4 have 84470 to the editors is this not a deletable ad hom david halitsky hannah annmaries chris i was supporter of noam chomsky in chomsky-faurisson affair so please do interpret my politics when request that you delete post as grievous hom. truth any poem should opinion be matter for crit at poetry board. 84471 revision with epigram and newer final couplet david halitsky the equivalence relation 1572-1631 1596-1650 nobody loves you but your mama she might be jiving too b.b. king i. background statement of purpose. what's done is course. were i god remorse what i'd feel that give no choice to die. could he not have if banned from using son sun had turn learned just a few back then living as did when linear equations strict notation or . intense cogitative joy would been his - toy one in piece until found release escape all heat it takes cook conceits. like bach who put petite deaths into suites which fugues portray amorous at play. ii. definition. first transitivity. wit likes b thinks c swell well. next symmetricity. electricity j loved by k last reflexivity. sad proclivity those let content 'i love me'. iii. explication example. out light light. these two said they both summed up one. thus poets know math this sense unable pursue can still intuit. prosodic notes section 1 s1l4 downbeat. 2 s2l1 3 s3l4 4 s4l4 84472 no nm hannah 84473 re to the editors is this not a deletable ad ho asher i'm only measly reader here. but what fuck are you talking about david. can't request delete someone's poem. get off your high horse--soon. who cares god damn chomsky affair...jesus. when even do simple linguistic analysis of aave. pigeon holed in field and quickly becoming ego. i respect you. so wishing for speedy recovery. ag hannah annmaries chris david was supporter noam chomsky-faurisson affair please interpret my politics that post as grievous hom. truth any poem should opinion be matter crit at poetry board. halitsky 84474 asher - serious misread of my post david halitsky 1. i was obviously talking about geoff's not the poem which appears curiously already to have been deleted by leo y . 2. please see hannah at p n. 3. if you had spent as much time slate fray fighting defenders holocaust industry would know why felt compelled include reference faurisson in post. 4. think probably prefer this be continued under ryan's thread n though i'm speaking for her here. regards 84475 details 42b david ayers the in-flight movie and chewing-gum time a hydrogen bomb named clare steven j hawking's brief history of her arm on armrest owls in clouds gray graves child's shirt with butterfly sewn pocket blue summer house white cliff beautiful furious voice over pa keyhole porthole song what-is-it that knocks let us go then this way we'd not refuse 84476 re to the editors is this not a deletable ad ho hannah on other hand an ad-hom. off you go either p n or handy-dandy email account pretty please. and be good i'm only one girl can't keep up with all these threads 84477 re details 42b david halitsky ayres - apart from the fact that this piece has a certain lyricism and elegaic gravitas which draw one back for re-reads should also be read re-read by some posters to twb as perfect example of how use details. yes you mention name novel its author. but it is thematically relevant riffs off first occurrence time . other too are perfect. nowhere do copy american way or delta digest whatever in-flight rag have been given read. nor brand pretzels biscottes were eat. well-done both technically my ear head anyway. regards 84478 re still counting si mon wow -- how quickly a poem can sink around here. glad you enjoyed. dear symon---- this is fun. sex poems are groovy. yikes. i was supposed to critique but well can't today. am here only enjoy. huuuuuuu although we must have made love 1 000 times 84479 re to the editors is this not a deletable ad ho artificial intelligence and cup size truth of any poem should in my opinion be matter for crit at poetry board. david halitsky dear chap didn't you mean extend 'truth' board -- let all homs stand up themselves loud clearly brought by 'deep blue intent iterate till completely deleted from one view' 84480 to lawnzee si mon lin - zeeeeeeeeeeeeeee howdy first best -- what about all the rest you should see what's inside my head. yup. me too no hun this one a revision although we ve made love 1 000 times still morning i found something new. heat vents dusty with neglect boom each time warm air shuts off. dog content on carpet beside bed will rise as soon feet hit floor ready go out sniff blade for new evidence of night creatures that wandered by. she ll race front yard squat. then it s kids moaning hour bowls spoons and flakes. shower hissing confession. sin. single moment before day erupts cannot describe. nothing eases down our sweating backs. not tell found. know. i'm here only enjoy 84481 re still counting si mon i wasn't sure about the last line either -- and then thought maybe just end on shower sounds but that wouldn't answer what was found question from poem's start. ....soooo...i thinking could switch some lines exit poem a less serious note... thanks for comparison to bob h. i've conversed with him bit by emails....just got his newest book. enjoyed this. it has hicok feel. my only nit is very line. seems too heavy quite like all your other stuff. best a.b. 84482 re still counting si mon david 1. a poem 2. b yes esp. if it were ploughshares or some such rather than my mother's bottom drawer review -- but even mmbdr i would probably say and be real surprised cause haven't sent out any poems anywhere for years. cii because thanks - 1 there is considerable technical deftness here all put to the service of . what 2 can see pattern in certain postings at twb which also manifest gaz make sure end your with line two an indirect personification better abstract notion coupled concrete image. let me ask you these questions suppose editors said they publish this only permitted them capitalize n nothing c not why ii piece halitsky 84483 re still counting si mon thanks jude not sure what you mean by the name mix-up and david others question last line...it could be cut i guess. might have to do some serious thinking -- need find my damn cap. for help s. this is a beautiful tribute trimmed bit think or maybe bits slightly different comments inline respectfully good start there nothing distinguish section. it seems like needs something less telly more expressive as in smells looks feelings touch taste - ready go out sniff each blade now reference sound look of her soemthing then s kids moaning about hour these three lines are very cool. sentence means ps sorry mixup earlier corrected 84485 re details 42b bowen i don't even know why you've kept posted since halitsky has already said reached poetic nirvana. - but dammit have to agree. this makes my tummy feel good. i'd only suggest kicking out that last strophe and ending on way i'm not against keeping the it is. kudos a. in-flight movie chewing-gum time a hydrogen bomb named clare steven j hawking's brief history of her arm armrest owls in clouds gray graves child's shirt with butterfly sewn pocket blue summer house white cliff beautiful furious voice over pa keyhole porthole song what-is-it knocks let us go then we'd refuse 84486 as per hannah's druthers david halitsky i'd be happy to engage at p n. regards 84487 rendered ctg christopher t george a writer told me of bubbling vats where books are to pulp in new jersey home five signers the declaration independence -- and walt whitman bard camden. while tended wounded below scales judiciary square soldiers camped capitol workers cleared cellar build bakery wagons spirited papers founders potomac be dumped. knew that as old nags glue by machine war prisoners lash bruising fist. words define what we who last on lips private his first gurgles twenty years before. stand they make us firm mel e battle hardest times blizzards doubt god's or freedom never allow them rendered. t. 84488 re details 42b geoff re. for david ayers. a piece where my middle initial and or foot size have as much right relevance anything else in it is an exercise self indulgence indeed your birthday i presume best the in-flight movie chewing-gum time hydrogen bomb named clare steven j hawking's brief history of her arm on armrest owls clouds gray graves child's shirt with butterfly sewn pocket blue summer house white cliff beautiful furious voice over pa keyhole porthole song what-is-it that knocks let us go then this way we'd not refuse 84489 re rendered ctg david halitsky - if open for revision please consider 1 -- and walt whitman bard of camden. once 2 wagons spirited papers the founders don't spirit except maybe in clint's movies. hauled or carried you really need a strong meaningful verb here because image is itself enough to carry expected verb. general little lush my own taste spots but well-done. good conceit. well handled. about something. 84490 re when billie died geoff re. sidebar to david halitsky. thank you for invading another thread of mine with some gibberish or another. it is an equal pleasure each time. not everyday one meets a man mission -- but as interesting might imagine. best sorry bro. see raz at the gaz on bh. halitsky 84491 re rendered ctg christopher t george - if open for revision please consider 1 -- and walt whitman bard of camden. once 2 wagons spirited papers the founders don't spirit except maybe in clint's movies. hauled or carried you really need a strong meaningful verb here because image is itself enough to carry expected verb. general little lush my own taste spots but well-done. good conceit. well handled. about something. david halitsky hi thanks. i appreciate your suggestions. chris 84492 re details 42b bowen no man has more assurance than a bad poet. ---martial for david ayers. piece where my middle initial and or foot size have as much right relevance anything else in it is an exercise self indulgence indeed your birthday i presume best geoff 84493 re rendered -- revised ctg christopher t george a writer told me of bubbling vats where books are to pulp in new jersey home five signers the declaration independence and walt whitman once camden. while tended wounded below scales judiciary square soldiers camped capitol workers cleared cellar build bakery wagons hauled papers founders potomac be dumped. knew that as old nags knackered into glue by machine war prisoners lash bruising fist. words define what who we last on lips private his first gurgles twenty years before. stand they make us firm mel e battle hardest times blizzards doubt god's or freedom never allow them rendered. t. 84494 re the good wife's guide 3 geoff hi jude you know when gene kelly hayseed in singing rain rushes down forty second street shouting got to dance same way there is an endless wave of green poets all ages suddenly beating dead horse cummings's typographical clowning from twenties darndest thing. it comes and goes. but punctuation something hard use harder lose. i wish was more at hand not less lots languages... best never fear this series now for - commas are writers' printers' marks telling reader how read text sometimes sake clarity niceties meaning. so guess thinking that don't want tell they see fit. put a pause just run most time write my first drafts without then stick during revision. thanks as always he wanted light flooded kitchen baby cried her housecoat pink or yellow today snapping stove lit kettle warm teapot brush his daughter's curls through another little white shirt smell milk on breath its quick searching along cheek sounds turquoise radio it's wonderful world tossing rice pablum mommy smiling humming long day with details desperate home last she would duck away coat arms watching him minder eyes like night owls ready flight. 84495 re rendered ctg michael mv perhaps reference codrescu to the epigraph. eliminate that relative pronoun as 1st word of 2nd stanza potomac be dumped. walt knew old nags are knackered into glue soldiers by machine war and prisoners lash bruising fist. 84496 closer laurel riff of david ayers details within a shirt with wings stitched on the pocket needlework immaculate she lifts her flimsy limbs and leaps into your waiting little girl turtle-dove purring unaware is endangered while not empty sleeves flapping in dark wind like flailing spirit or lost egret you can t discern which. should have unpinned laundry brought it from rain made run for instead press face to pane watch clothes writhe twist listen wail behind screen unfolding an flight movie--that s how feel trapped plane stuck runway they deice wings-- square triangle that proves theory no one ever truly faithful he loves loves...it always same old sad story. which why wife brushes hair teeth vigor then slips between sheets a-crackle static electricity bestows whiff minty breath hovers silent as cloud owl grave kisses cheek read about black holes until finally falls asleep. coos remember vow right now perfect blue house childhood. only woman ll love more than yourself even when finds out who are grows hate tugs hand heart daddy me swan think wrench itself free fly off. 84498 re details 42b ryan how wonderful this is i am glad read thanks ever so much for sharing dont dare touch it 84499 re closer ryan laural the poem i think doesn't realize itself until final two strophes. prior to ending strophes seems too narrative. one nit in strophe - only woman you ll ever love more than yourself seemed imply protagonist is a which contradicted succeeding sentence. great apologies on not offering something similar length your write my computer giving me problems. thanks for sharing. 84500 with voices sad and prophetic david halitsky laurel - it is kind of to be expected that since this piece fairly long six s's will have not one but two yes folks count 'em instances covert post-modern personification watch your clothes writhe twist listen the wail as you shirt wrench itself free fly off. in ayers' which claim yours a riff on there no instance such except perhaps furious cliff . hardly noticeable however being adjectival sentential i.e. can take an oddball adjective. tell me why think lines above should relegated place where these now reside murmuring pines hemlocks ... stand like druids eld prophetic. or not. 84503 excellent david slosh i like the way this one lends itself to being re-read without a break in transition have it posted back in-flight movie and chewing-gum time hydrogen bomb named clare steven j hawking's brief history of her arm on armrest owls clouds gray graves child's shirt with butterfly sewn pocket blue summer house white cliff beautiful furious voice over pa keyhole porthole song what-is-it that knocks let us go then we'd not refuse 84504 re details 42b artificial intelligence and cup size the in-flight movie chewing-gum time a hydrogen bomb named clare steven j hawking's brief history of her arm on armrest owls in clouds gray graves child's shirt with butterfly sewn pocket blue summer house white cliff beautiful furious voice over pa keyhole porthole song what-is-it that knocks let us go then this way we'd not refuse i know exactly how long it took you to 'compose' ain't lookin good crits take out allanis morisette line . jagged little pill think is maybe thanks aiou 84505 re as per hannah's druthers artificial intelligence and cup size i'd be happy to engage at p n. regards david halitsky that's right good boy kiss ass brown noser did i miss any aiou 84506 re rendered ctg christopher t george perhaps reference codrescu to the epigraph. eliminate that relative pronoun as 1st word of 2nd stanza potomac be dumped. walt knew old nags are knackered into glue soldiers by machine war and prisoners lash bruising fist. mv thanks mv. let me see what i can do. here's quote-- at a factory in new jersey ... books boiled great big vats... andrei disappearance outside all my best chris 84507 re rendered -- revised ctg christopher t george a writer told me of bubbling vats where books are to pulp in new jersey home five signers the declaration independence and walt whitman once camden. while tended wounded below scales judiciary square soldiers camped capitol workers cleared cellar build bakery wagons hauled papers founders potomac be dumped. knew that as old nags knackered into glue by machine war prisoners lash bruising fist. words define what who we last on lips private his first gurgles twenty years before. stand they make us firm mel e battle hardest times blizzards doubt god's or freedom never allow them rendered. t. you may know rendering is term being used for federal government's sending countries condone torture. i would like my poem reflect situation well even if do not overtly discuss practice terrorist suspects. critter elsewhere remarked 'extraordinary rendition' . real selling national values down river imo. all best chris 84508 re details 42b david ayers thanks. glad you liked it. --d 84509 re details 42b david ayers ash thanks. the end was giving me a little trouble too so perhaps you're right. --d i don't even know why you've kept posted since halitsky has already said reached poetic nirvana. - but dammit have to agree. this makes my tummy feel good. i'd only suggest kicking out that last strophe and ending on way i'm not against keeping it is. kudos a. bowen 84510 re details 42b david ayers geoff no my birthday is may 22. i wear a size 10 if you're in the buying mood. --d re. for ayers. piece where middle initial and or foot have as much right relevance anything else it an exercise self indulgence indeed your presume best 84511 re details 42b david ayers how wonderful this is i am glad read thanks ever so much for sharing dont dare touch it ryan thanks. --d 84512 re excellent david ayers you know that's what i'd do too when are they coming --d 84513 re details 42b david ayers i know exactly how long it took you to 'compose' this and ain't lookin good crits take out the allanis morisette line beautiful house . jagged little pill think is maybe thanks aiou no from talking heads but for playing --d 84514 permit me to ignore the ad hom and clarify david halitsky i am not about get myself banned from another board no matter what provocation is do so. that's different you suggest in following way. think charles bronson's line claudia cardinale once upon a time west when she accuses him of saving henry fonda's life he says something like kept someone else killing ... same thing. it might help see mean here. notice btw that are coming clean your real name. first was a. now it's alou. will next be alouette jeune fille regards 84515 uttered silence david halitsky not mercifully nor fast free of pain it took her an eternity to die uttering a word the murmurs heart unheard 84516 re uttered silence annmarie eldon i suggest you change one of the s not mercifully nor fast free from pain it took her an eternity to die uttering a word murmurs heart unheard 84517 re uttered silence david halitsky ame - thanks for taking the time good point about of from. lack comma before 'not' was however deliberate and i feel strongly it. it would be important if piece were ever spoken. 84518 re uttered silence annmarie eldon ame - thanks for taking the time good point about of from. lack comma before 'not' was however deliberate and i feel strongly it. it would be important if piece were ever spoken. david halitsky ok. well i'll trade you not a elsewhere mercifully nor fast free from pain took her an eternity to die uttering word murmurs heart unheard only because more punctuation can put in she finally poignant that absence period at end unheard. this is spoken but good-looking written on page. have suspicion your poetry best when simple having prove anything intuitively analytical. 84519 hannah c - top of thepage michael http www.thepage.name hannah's poem from the potomac featured above. enjoy. editor 84520 re with voices sad and prophetic laurel covert post-modern personification gee i didn't think there was anything especially nor about the david. in fact it pretty damned blatant no as for um don't know why you'd qualify such unless that refers solely to choice of garment. less if it'd been togas flapping wind yes you're not a fan or otherwise eh hey thanks reading my poem anyway taking time comment. - is kind be expected since this piece fairly long six s's will have one but two folks count 'em instances watch your clothes writhe twist listen wail you shirt wrench itself free fly off. david ayers' which claim yours riff on instance except perhaps furious cliff . hardly noticeable however being adjectival sentential i.e. can take an oddball adjective. tell me lines above should relegated place where these now reside murmuring pines hemlocks ... stand like druids eld prophetic. not. halitsky 84521 re closer laurel hey thanks for the feedback ryan. too narrative....too much story not enough poem eh i thought it was quite clear that protagonist....or um speaker....was male. guess maybe that's case. line you point to meant convey this man will never love anyone as he loves himself save his daughter. hmmm. i'll think on it. so your comments sir regardless of their length they're appreciated. laural doesn't realize itself until final two strophes. prior ending strophes seems narrative. one nit in strophe - only woman ll ever more than yourself seemed imply protagonist is a which contradicted succeeding sentence. great apologies offering something similar write my computer giving me problems. sharing. ryan 84522 re details 42b laurel sublime. this is more like it. remarkable writing really. you were a bit coy in your response to my previous crit which i asked who reading and responded not jorie. so...if jorie....who good read you. i'll keep you...and hannah....with the hopes that maybe what y'all are doing with poetics will rub off on me. in-flight movie chewing-gum time hydrogen bomb named clare steven j hawking's brief history of her arm armrest owls clouds gray graves child's shirt butterfly sewn pocket blue summer house white cliff beautiful furious voice over pa keyhole porthole song what-is-it knocks let us go then way we'd refuse 84523 re notes my father left in arkansas 1975 laurel made some changes. see what you think i know of his finger rubbing the edge ear feeling hair that grew there. he'd stare at landscape like a man back from sea wipe hands over face open eyes and find life begun anew as field hand where no one cared if he remained silent for weeks. once took car beyond lights town drove through drive-in theatre uprooting cables fed actors voices into cars. couldn't name devil conjured night wished would come take him ruins. looks you've got seed good poem here. disconnection---and damn changed verb didn't i---of serves nice metaphor disconnection between parent child silence them. written more than few poems myself. never could quite touch nor with words. probably cut too much. by now to do edits. smile 84524 re still counting laurel this is reading short-handish again sir. another cleavered revision if so go back to the longer draft smile i mostly like except for first line which strikes me more as intro or title. might you consider making it title instead sure it'd be a long still....i trip over trying enter poem. eruption of day. creatures wandering through during night. boom furnace. shower's hiss. what's latent here. not gonna hack on this. think already did. enjoyed it. just i'd enjoy bit were slightly less shorthandish. although we must have made love 1 000 times morning found something new. heat vents dusty with neglect each time warm air shuts off. dog content carpet beside bed will rise soon my feet hit floor ready out sniff blade new evidence night that wandered by. she ll race front yard squat. then s kids moaning about hour bowls spoons and flakes. shower hissed confession. what sin. single moment before day erupts cannot describe. how nothing eases down our sweating backs. 84525 done deal and thnx very much again. nm david halitsky 84526 re details 42b artificial intelligence and cup size no i think the beautiful house is from talking heads but thanks for playing yah --d 84527 re permit me to ignore the ad hom and clarify artificial intelligence cup size i just love human beings with a jolly sense of humor am not about get myself banned from another board no matter what provocation is do so. yes. sorta see you mean that's different suggest in following way. spit it out think charles bronson's oh yah know him line claudia cardinale once upon time west when she accuses saving henry fonda's life he says something like kept someone else killing ... same thing. might help here. cheeky devil notice btw that are coming clean your real name. first was a. now it's alou. no. ai owe -- i'm surprised at hoffy owl boy which cross between dustin kasparov dandruff hofstadler compliment will next be alouette jeune fille aloutette alou ette merci bo dude tout aleurs votre sante aiou regards david halitsky 84528 sorry typo 'vowel boy' nm artificial intelligence and cup size 84529 re uttered silence artificial intelligence and cup size not mercifully nor fast free of pain it took her an eternity to die uttering a word the murmurs heart unheard see now this in my book could be really beautiful peace but your title ruins totally dude do i mean as car crash is so good without that cliche i'd award temple prize -- even if al ou 84530 vowel boy - excellent david halitsky reminds me of matt dillon in that movie where he plays gin with his honey's dad at the club ... yeah i like thanks. 84531 re hannah c - top of thepage artificial intelligence and cup size http www.thepage.name hannah's poem from the potomac featured above. enjoy. editor kudos very nice fab just a tad redundant but then hey -- nothing to be done bout that now i see annmarie helped you on addition elevatedradialdiadem congrats both much enjoyed al ou 84532 coffee jude goodwin i tip the oily darkened beans like buns of promise tumbling from their waxy sack they bump and grind while water runs its perfect body through tap. black steel carafe awaits. my fingers pinch spread egg white filter in nest. at last milling done a final rinse closing clap completes work. crested stellars jay is strutting on deck dog forgets his leash leaps baby cries across yard every speck early light has gathered steamy shout made morning chimes divine sublime cup time. 84533 thnx but to paraphrase groucho david halitsky i wouldn't want any prize that anyone would give the likes of me. regards 84534 re paper dolls jude goodwin for the most part this poem works well. i felt lead-in was a bit tedious but once we hit 2nd verse things were rolling along nicely. i'm wondering though if speaker is male or female obviously young and given stockings read her as female. however reference to 'puppy love' implies quietly in afternoon bedroom door locked cindy opened box of all words up seem unnecessary - suggest opening with osmonds dressed donnie marie mismatched purple. played 45s on stereo sang puppy love into pair scissors that cut reality s tethered cord 3 minutes 12 seconds. served egg creams soda crackers when she left more records went bathroom. basin found mother blue stockings. control top past my shoulders slid them on. pointed toes admired curve foot jingle from tv. you say 'sang jingle' there no so maybe would work better returned room only wanted talk about what d done marie. ruined forced off air suggestions attire. then. it dark mind. streetlights had come unclear. deleting -- stanza break before 'i then' 84535 re coffee david halitsky jude goodwin - excellent control of the meter and rhymes are reasonably unobtrusive. some things you might wanna think about 1 these all expected adjectives hence weak. oily darkened waxy black steel egg white 2 its perfect body was it suzanne by leonard cohen with this phrase maybe generates an off-read don't want. 3 cup time oh come on have fun go for pun cusp serious this. regards 84536 tamara tomorrow aiou alou of due date for aunty ally hands her my failing to grasp except with the wrists splitting image bliss. klimt perhaps a rocking and fro one foot forward awkward toward balling. she said -- love approach broach tissue thumb tack back blossoms in key-board meeting. how long will it take paper-hole staple that stole enlist meaning on umbilical beak vested streak. flowers fish moth mouth ashes ashes. drown is downtown bird-bound as solution noise pollution. pollution whom sell to. no wishes but iris clitorised. woman be told not dance water run office. why resist when olives are up their twigs twisted liquorices hymn its prone pilgrim. foliage dew experimental rain this jar caviar word curve carved into czarist mars. so far you who have always been at disadvantage strummed spectrum extra inspection. risk kicks hay haiku cruel unusual. caught necking woods just now. el greco longing floating discretely flogging man logged onto hogging toboggan tin whim intellectual properties. bell smell nested neighborhood imbalance soft hypocrisy stacked stock market brokered exposure license snow want know if i picture touch myself. 84537 re thnx but to paraphrase groucho aiou alou i wouldn't want any prize that anyone would give the likes of me. regards david halitsky do -- however have a gaucho gucci pants come back for you i'll spare like too much 84538 hi carmela david halitsky i know you're really in a pickle-e so if you wanna learn how to do shtick-ele try listening peter schickele ... 84539 re details 42b geoff sidebar to david ayers who can thump his own tub. size 10 what did i say had a lot of trouble with 10's. how many best no my birthday is may 22. wear if you're in the buying mood. --d 84540 congrats hannah michael mv on both the potomac and top of thepage o' march mornin 84541 and i alone escaped to tell thee geoff . when a desperate stranger dishevelled wielding an axe hacks through the screens into my kitchen george promised fix sometime fear no evil. crisply call out rex appears this better be good betty boop 'cause soaps come on pronto man lowers his or one he borrowed says your attack dog talks well always said was quick but nobody listens me say knows karate at point harry police chief old friend of family begins feel migraine kicking in. what happened next our sovereign state requires apprehend bad guys maybe charge them. both troop living room.- are central where from. served hot buttered corn without salt butter some no-cal brews. oh name fred. that's not wanted talk you about... leone 84542 re coffee geoff re. for jude goodwin. shortened. it was hilarious this reaches out to use formal rhymes but the second stanza is an undeveloped zone. you will not get any real credit your sacrifices until whole thing basically works. there are many compromises made tyranny of end in sense unnecessary verbiage and inessential discussion. i wish recast with stress on few good elimination verbiage. best tip oily darkened beans like buns promise tumbling from their waxy sack they bump grind while water runs its perfect body through tap. black steel carafe awaits. my fingers pinch spread egg white filter nest. at last milling done a final rinse closing clap completes work. crested stellars jay strutting deck dog forgets his leash leaps baby cries across yard every speck early light has gathered steamy shout morning chimes divine sublime cup time. eof 84543 re and i alone escaped to tell thee david halitsky actually geoff this has a reasonably consistent internal prosody which works well with what you're trying do. maybe you oughta take it back the kitchen screw little ... know put in some really bad speed-bumps dead-men's curves like that 84544 re tamara tomorrow geoff re. of due date for baloo baloo. klimt's favored subjects were very young girls in underpants and swooning madonnas or whores who knows . his works are world famous where such tastes indulged. he died young. as an introduction to the moods that klimt wished further inflame with own semi-pornographic pictures countless ones i think this is useful. on other hand visual does so much more efficiently it a little confusing except service visually impaired see what served by version halting words well done color design just torture needs consoling best hands her my failing grasp wrists splitting image bliss. perhaps rocking fro one foot forward awkward toward balling. she said -- love approach broach tissue thumb tack back blossoms key-board meeting. how long will take paper-hole staple stole enlist meaning umbilical beak vested streak. flowers fish moth mouth ashes ashes. drown downtown bird-bound solution noise pollution. pollution whom sell to. no wishes but iris clitorised. woman be told not dance water run office. why resist when olives up their twigs twisted liquorices hymn its prone pilgrim. foliage dew experimental rain jar caviar word curve carved into czarist mars. far you have always been at disadvantage strummed spectrum extra inspection. risk kicks hay haiku cruel unusual. caught necking woods now. el greco longing floating discretely flogging man logged onto hogging toboggan tin whim intellectual properties. bell smell nested neighborhood imbalance soft hypocrisy stacked stock market brokered exposure license snow want know if picture touch myself. 84545 re uttered silence geoff re. for david halitsky. this piece consists of the marriage two tub thumping cliches it took her an eternity to die and murmers heart unheard. oh bring me my mint julep dinah i'm about swoon murmering softly not mercifully nor fast free pain uttering a word murmurs unheard 84547 geoff - it's actually three cliches david halitsky not uttering a word is the third i am less interested in your apparent inability to recognize than you understand their use poetics. remedy this lack of understanding on part would suggest start with such lines as we go south winter from opening wasteland. regards 84549 all clear bowen batteries dead i lose the cone of light halfway down stairs. my hands reach for what they might remember in this dark stretched taut over furniture and human detritus. upstairs wife waits an all-clear that desperate men she s sent me to face have left our kitchen- ware coffee cake luncheon meat peace way we did assured hours before would remain forever ours. at banister end lean look sweeping beam burglars use steal lives into canvas bags. but there nothing cutting rooms free from their pools no glint harm. robe tight relieved stride kitchen drink tap flip off climb back beside her already asleep. 84550 yeah - your'e probably right david halitsky but i want the rhymes have now plus shorter line length so gotta eat clumsiness that comes as part of package. thanks for read. always appreciate an ear good yours. 84552 re coffee leo yankevich a curious excercise jude. i like everything but the repetition of runs in first stanza and weak closing couplet. tip oily darkened beans buns promise tumbling from their waxy sack they bump grind while water its perfect body through tap. black steel carafe awaits. my fingers pinch spread egg white filter nest. at last milling done final rinse clap completes work. crested stellars jay is strutting on deck dog forgets his leash leaps baby cries across yard every speck early light has gathered steamy shout made morning chimes divine sublime cup time. 84553 re saint nicholas on the dole david halitsky leo y - prosodically this goes down like a glass of strega or metaxa. very nice. typo it's schwinn i'm pretty sure. diction dustmen is uk and archaic theme replacement refuse with gems supposed to be literal figurative if only thing i can think that he pees in cans after empyting them anything valuable. not tryin funny here just grok. 84554 hi ash david halitsky stride to the kitchen not in kitchen. wish i could say more. but ya didn't write who told you folks that every fart and burp of life is worth a freaking poem fer crissakes do they teach somewhere now anyway darkness stretched taut ok cause it snuggles up image tension hands as grope. 84555 re hi ash bowen david i guess it's the same people who told you that being a self-righteous condescending prick passes for intellect. stride to not in. when your poems get past laughably bad inept pieces of shit they are then i'll start taking suggestions from you. till i'm good. here learn think every piece drivel write is great and everyone doesn't them must be fucking moron--like some. worst kitchen in kitchen. wish could say more. but ya didn't folks fart burp life worth freaking poem fer crissakes do teach somewhere now anyway darkness stretched taut ok cause it snuggles up image tension hands as grope. halitsky 84556 since i've apparently struck a nerve david halitsky ... please see my top-post at p n re dougherty's rules of rhetorical engagement 84557 re coffee bowen jude enjoyed. i wonder if though buns of promise is what you really mean here. for a guy like me who has black belt in drinking the seems little iffy. i've always look at my unspoiled unground beans as tiny hearts sometimes pair lips. i'm not sure about runs and runs. it reads need to rhyme but you're stuck. hate when that happens. final couplet weaker than rest so may want give another look. admire this. sonnets are hard hat off you. very good. best ash tip oily darkened tumbling from their waxy sack they bump grind while water its perfect body through tap. steel carafe awaits. fingers pinch spread egg white filter nest. last milling done rinse closing clap completes work. crested stellars jay strutting on deck dog forgets his leash leaps baby cries across yard every speck early light gathered steamy shout made morning chimes divine sublime cup time. 84559 re coffee jude goodwin 2 its perfect body was it suzanne by leonard cohen with this phrase oh drat no wonder i liked the sound of so much. sigh easy enough to replace however. 3 cup time come on have some fun go for pun cusp thanks david your comments 84560 re coffee jude goodwin re. for goodwin. shortened. it was hilarious thanks as always geoff your considerations. 84561 re coffee jude goodwin a curious excercise jude. i like everything but the repetition of runs in first stanza and weak closing couplet. ya got me. just couldnt close thing tried kept looking for rhymes with time finally decided i'd put them all - ah. chime sublime divine em. thanks leo 84562 re coffee jude goodwin enjoyed. i wonder if though buns of promise is what you really mean here. for a guy like me who has black belt in drinking the seems little iffy. i've always look at my unspoiled unground beans as tiny hearts sometimes pair lips. ha ... see - encouraged to your different light now have some table that fold middle just beans. i'm not sure about runs and runs. it reads need rhyme but you're stuck. hate when happens. second comment on line. actually found 'buns' order with oh well final couplet weaker than rest so may want give another look. admire this. sonnets are hard hat off you. very good. agree pointed out. needs more ooomf. thanks input 84563 re all clear yoly ash- this common event at some point for any couple read like the speaker was rather indifferent. i sensed he bothered by his sense of duty. is that right how you took reader along. i'm a bit disappointed with end as it didn't surprise. but then again must every poem do perhaps not. thank batteries dead lose cone light halfway down stairs. my hands reach what they might remember in dark stretched taut over furniture and human detritus. upstairs wife waits an all-clear desperate men she s sent me to face have left our kitchen- ware coffee cake luncheon meat peace way we did assured hours before would remain forever ours. banister lean look sweeping beam burglars use steal lives into canvas bags. there nothing cutting rooms free from their pools no glint harm. robe tight relieved stride kitchen drink tap flip off climb back beside her already asleep. 84564 re coffee yoly ummm this was delicious. your smells great. i tip the oily darkened beans like buns of promise tumbling from their waxy sack they bump and grind while water runs its perfect body through tap. black steel carafe awaits. my fingers pinch spread egg white filter in nest. at last milling done a final rinse closing clap completes work. crested stellars jay is strutting on deck dog forgets his leash leaps baby cries across yard every speck early light has gathered steamy shout made morning chimes divine sublime cup time. 84565 out of breath yoly we unwind somehwere in the belly blue mountain strands hair loop from my baseball cap. i m happy brought fleece sweater wind makes cold paste on our bodies. would be dreaming a shower and that expensive chamomile body wash but he begins to sing slips two fingers gnarled strand gently pulls it back. his lyrics blend into new melody ve been singing way up. now know can t sing. want lock next adhesive skin this bouquet smells soil caught cargo shorts utopian song jamaican moon gleaming right at us. 84566 re all clear cyocom i think this needs extensive cutting. it hasn't got the spiky irritation needs. experiment with some sounds. grrrr noi batteries dead lose cone of light ----your are or flashlight halfway down stairs. my hands reach for what they might remember in dark stretched taut ----dark --nice over furniture and human detritus . upstairs wife waits an all-clear that desperate men ----i you need to italicize she s sent me face have left our kitchen- ware coffee cake luncheon meat peace way we did assured hours before would remain forever ours. at banister end lean look ----where were stairs then stumbling around furniture. can't be banister. sweeping beam burglars use steal lives ----ott into canvas bags. but there nothing cutting rooms free from their pools no glint harm robe tight relieved stride kitchen drink tap flip off ----mentioning makes reader wonder when turned on why didn't just turn first place. climb back beside her already asleep. up her. 84567 please read hannah guys- i'm posting a reminder here in the hopes that we can curtail some of unproductive that's been going on. this board is for poetry and critique poetry. rest stuff fine email blogging even if you feel it absolutely necessary p n. do me favor your fellow poets consider following 1. don't want people to poem say what they think about post here. simple. 2. cannot gracefully accept agree with also 3. look at name next 75 posts tone down. 4. realize sequence infantile rejoinders has pushed most actual so far down you'd need metal detector find them these are problem or have hard time distinguishing discourse from street-brawling free hrcraig gmail.com i am not planning audition mommy dearest role anytime soon act like adults use readers writers hone skills knives. thank -hannah p.s. someone their entire on made single useful interesting observation comment probably aren't start now. simple thanks will suffice as complete silence. feed stray dog come back. eventually end up sleeping foot bed. 84568 re tamara tomorrow aiou alou re. of due date for baloo baloo. yes goff klimt's favored subjects were very young girls in underpants and swooning madonnas or whores who knows . whomever needed to know no his works are world famous where such tastes indulged. he died young. thanks the irrelevant gossip passed off by as history -- meak tweak an introduction moods that klimt wished further inflame with own semi-pornographic pictures countless ones i think this is useful. do you come up 'semi' like a time-period specific thing on other hand visual does so much more efficiently it little confusing except service visually impaired hold here be careful how use parenthesees around me see what served version halting words well done color design um have say el grego goffy clearly ask wrong questions efficiency speak gothically not purpoise dinna just torture needs consoling interesting mention did really mean interrogative your prolly right yes. cheers belfast best geoff 84569 re out of breath michael mv but not tune might consider now i know he can t sing. want to lock into our next adhesive skin this bouquet smells soil caught on cargo shorts that utopian song and jamaican moon gleaming right at us. 84570 re hi carmela aiou alou i know you're really in a pickle-e so if you wanna learn how to do shtick-ele try listening peter schickele ... david halitsky yes like sorry. was reading ashbery today and found several passages that swear were bang's. disorienting -- let me tell you. or maybe it's the other way round. who knows. strange small world.nah. must be otherway yes. he's infinitely better. his angle mean. hmmm. 84571 re hi carmela aiou alou whose that my god given name is alou. ok. belfast isn't surname. but. well one wishes from time to time. and today -- particularly i had this dire need be associated with shin fane 84572 re please read aiou alou i like number 3 the best that's good. really good thank you hannah 84573 re and i alone escaped to tell thee aiou alou . when a desperate stranger dishevelled wielding an axe hacks through the screens into my kitchen george promised fix sometime fear no evil. crisply call out rex appears this better be good betty boop 'cause soaps come on pronto man lowers his or one he borrowed says your attack dog talks well always said was quick but nobody listens me say knows karate at point harry police chief old friend of family begins feel migraine kicking in. what happened next our sovereign state requires apprehend bad guys maybe charge them. both troop living room.- are central where from. served hot buttered corn without salt butter some no-cal brews. oh name fred. that's not wanted talk you about... geoff leone myself found -- quite funny boring all once which is amazing poetry combo if think about it kudos thanks 84574 re hi ash aiou alou david i guess it's the same people who told you that being a self-righteous condescending prick passes for intellect. stride to not in. when your poems get past laughably bad inept pieces of shit they are then i'll start taking suggestions from you. till i'm good. here learn think every piece drivel write is great and everyone doesn't them must be fucking moron--like some. worst really don't mean dull or cause any further strife but i've been asking myself very question long time assumption in post there correlation between ones ability crit poetry it -- can one something about someone writes shitty frankly find some what halitsky says has merit he's quite an articulate fellow once his obnoxiousness talking this poem yours which enjoyed btw anyway. please excuse me intruding thread yes. he rude agree. glad also have found curses more than do. thanks 84576 re closer jack m laurel i wonder if you should rearrange the stanzas of this poem. maybe s2 s5 s4 s6. and suppose might cut 1 3. yours 84577 re closer jack m and yeah it might take a nudge or two to make the transitions space between seem either smooth maybe surreally apt depends on what your going for but just two. yours laurel i wonder if you should rearrange stanzas of this poem. s2 s5 s4 s6. suppose cut 1 3. 84578 re rendered -- revised ctg jack m. hi christopher. to my mind this might be a two epigraph poem--codrescu and another mentioning the current practice of 'rendering' terrorist suspects. best martin 84580 re and i alone escaped to tell thee slosh what get from this is that you had a great time writing it in the end whether its good or bad has no baring on creativity process. fiddled for new slant if want pick up your bouncy bits run with it-- when my desperate muse dishevelled wielding an axe hacks through screens into kitchen george promised fix sometime fear evil. crisply call out rex appears better be betty boop 'cause soaps come pronto . man lowers his one he borrowed says attack dog talks well always said was quick but nobody listens me say knows karate at point harry police chief old friend of family begins feel migraine kicking in. happened next our sovereign state requires apprehend guys maybe charge them. both troop living room.- are central where stranger from. served hot buttered corn without salt butter some no-cal brews. oh name fred. that's not wanted talk about... geoff leone 84581 re rendered -- revised ctg christopher t george hi christopher. to my mind this might be a two epigraph poem--codrescu and another mentioning the current practice of 'rendering' terrorist suspects. best jack martin that could good suggestion. many thanks for reading commenting. all chris 84582 re out of breath alex stolis yoly some comments to take or leave... we unwind somehwere in the belly blue mountain strands hair loop from my baseball cap. i m happy brought fleece sweater wind makes cold paste on our bodies . would be dreaming a shower and that expensive chamomile body wash but he begins sing slips two fingers gnarled strand gently pulls it back. his lyrics blend into new melody ve been singing way up. this part reads bit clumsy me think could tightened up bit... now know can t sing. want lock next adhesive skin bouquet smells soil caught cargo shorts utopian song jamaican moon gleaming right at us. sorry can't more help peace 84583 re all clear alex stolis ash some stuff to look at... or not... batteries dead i lose the cone of light halfway down stairs. my hands reach for what they might remember in this dark stretched taut over furniture and human detritus. consider getting rid whole first stanza...think poem starts with s2 upstairs wife waits an all-clear meaning that desperate men she s sent me face have left our kitchen- ware coffee cake luncheon meat peace way we did assured hours before would remain forever ours. at end bannister banister lean sweeping beam burglars use steal lives into canvas bags. but there nothing cutting rooms free from their pools no glint harm. robe tight relieved stride kitchen drink tap flip off climb back beside her already asleep. keep you like forget rest thanks read 84584 re saint nicholas on the dole alex stolis leo i like title its great don't think this one has usual lyric punch that your poems have when you are firing all cylinders. stanza two reads stronger of two...maybe is a place to start... listen others thansk for read peace before see his thinning silhouette hear jingle christmas bell. then he coasts round corner shwinn bearing away starless night's refuse. clad now in coal-black overcoat he's left gem-filled bins morning dustmen ride off sun heroically thousand crows still haunt head. 84585 re and i alone escaped to tell thee alex stolis geoff rather fun but not sure that the current formatting is best... maybe longer lines then again... thanks for read peace . when a desperate stranger dishevelled wielding an axe hacks through screens into my kitchen george promised fix sometime fear no evil. crisply call out rex appears this better be good betty boop 'cause soaps come on pronto man lowers his or one he borrowed says your attack dog talks well always said was quick nobody listens me say knows karate at point harry police chief old friend of family begins feel migraine kicking in. what happened next our sovereign state requires apprehend bad guys charge them. both troop living room.- are central where from. served hot buttered corn without salt butter some no-cal brews. oh name fred. that's wanted talk you about... leone 84586 detour waiting for ann savage alex stolis there is an ocean somewhere and i can smell the salt on my arm hear crash of a wave against front fender. didn t kill anyone but karma tends to peel back good intentions. her hair falls just right cut jeans joshua tree all need imagine next few days. she tells me put top down don want refuse anything keep moment caged quiet open air will send this frame flying in every direction. has time we holds cards realize any until it s too late. la seems close enough handle smiles then no one needs know who you are tell them your destination. voice strays ivory moon echoes off rearview makes bury last straw someplace deep. m book with dog-eared pages broken spine. relentless breathtaking wish had died sleep faster drive slower heart beats read final chapter won how ends. 84587 re detour waiting for ann savage slosh there is enough in this to bring me back tomorrow another look thats a good thing-- an ocean somewhere and i can smell the salt on my arm hear crash of wave against front fender. didn t kill anyone but karma tends peel intentions. her hair falls just right cut jeans joshua tree all need imagine next few days. she tells put top down don want refuse anything keep moment caged quiet open air will send frame flying every direction. has time we holds cards realize any until it s too late. la seems close handle smiles then no one needs know who you are tell them your destination. voice strays ivory moon echoes off rearview makes bury last straw someplace deep. m book with dog-eared pages broken spine. relentless breathtaking wish had died sleep faster drive slower heart beats read final chapter won how ends. 84588 re detour waiting for ann savage david halitsky alex stolis - this satisfies my personal criterion that a piece have consistent central image refracted into peripheral images which amplify the theme. here is outcome set up by great line karma peels back . refraction of peel book natural enough e.g. one layers an onion corollary can't tell its cover etc. also interspersing theme-driving stuff with local color handled-well and prosodic feel. problem last line. after generally deft interesting performance comes upon box years cheez-its stock-boys somehow missed removing from shelves. same holds all cards but less noticeable because it's buried in good stuff. regards 84589 sunday visit david halitsky when the woman caring for my father wears her morning headscarf there are cockatoos who fly into air thru magic doorway of master. husband has made plans to bring children back from ghana figuring she'll have time mothering it warms up this coming spring. 84590 rendered -- re-revised christopher t george the writer joked about bubbling vats where books are to pulp in new jersey home of five signers declaration independence woodrow wilson and walt whitman. while whitman tended wounded below scales judiciary square soldiers camped u.s. capitol workers cleared cellar build a bakery wagons hauled papers founders potomac be dumped. just as nags knackered into glue war's machine renders prisoners broken by lash fist. words define what who we last on lips private his first gurgles twenty years before. love freedom make us firm mel e battle hardest times blizzards doubt our ideals never allow them rendered. t. 84591 re detour waiting for ann savage christopher t george there is an ocean somewhere and i can smell the salt on my arm hear crash of a wave against front fender. didn kill anyone but karma tends to peel back good intentions. her hair falls just right cut jeans joshua tree all need imagine next few days. she tells me put top down don want refuse anything keep moment caged quiet open air will send this frame flying in every direction. has time we holds cards realize any until it s too late. la seems close enough handle smiles then no one needs know who you are tell them your destination. voice strays ivory moon echoes off rearview makes bury last straw someplace deep. m book with dog-eared pages broken spine. relentless breathtaking wish had died sleep faster drive slower heart beats read final chapter won how ends. hi alex am trying hard like this. poem sort elements be successful also find that piece overreaches filled hyperbole clearest example being spine -- really able car similar not as aggregious handle. passage push far-- deep much clich or broke camel's back. - other hand some great lines here opening couplet-- days ending excellent. think once adjust hyperbolic so simple refocusing needed. luck. best chris 84592 re sunday visit m this is a few notes on napkin. when the woman caring for my father wears her morning headscarf there are cockatoos who fly into air thru magic doorway of master. husband has made plans to bring children back from ghana figuring she'll have time mothering it warms up coming spring. 84593 re detour waiting for ann savage david ayers hey alex nice. real i think commented on the 'noirish' feel of one yr previous poems. i'm not sure if it was in this series but recall also had cars travel etc. maybe is and noir anyway it's a great mood you create these pieces. treat to read. having said that guess agree with dh end could be better. would almost prefer were cut like so my sleep faster we drive slower heart beats she s read final chapter won t tell how ends . b.c. preceding line last flops bit--or at least so. small problem parsing don want refuse her anything keep moment caged quiet open air will send frame flying every couldn't 'quiet' went 'caged' or 'open air.' former then wonder isn't necessary. me 'caged quiet' kindof an interesting idea dwell on. --d 84594 re rendered -- re-revised m this is flat. too much information that serves no purpose. the end lacks intended oomph. i would scrap one. writer joked about bubbling vats where books are to pulp in new jersey home of five signers declaration independence woodrow wilson and walt whitman. while whitman tended wounded below scales judiciary square soldiers camped u.s. capitol workers cleared cellar build a bakery wagons hauled papers founders potomac be dumped. just as nags knackered into glue war's machine renders prisoners broken by lash fist. words define what who we last on lips private his first gurgles twenty years before. love freedom make us firm mel e battle hardest times blizzards doubt our ideals never allow them rendered. christopher t. george 84595 metric version of the napkin-notes for mfarmer david halitsky sunday visit when woman caring my father has resorted to her do-kerchief there are cockatoos who fly into air thru magic doorway master. husband contingent plans bring children back from ghana figuring she'll have a lot time mothering it warms up with advance spring. 84596 re metric version of the napkin-notes for mfarme m there is not enough to it lacks a full effort sort dashed-off hacked in few minutes un-fulfilled as if poet had second thought about writing poem and finished early so he could go buy some skiffles. swipe shorty-spurt nothing-really crayon drawing space-waster. sunday visit when woman caring my father has resorted her do-kerchief are cockatoos who fly into air thru magic doorway master. husband contingent plans bring children back from ghana figuring she'll have lot time mothering warms up with advance spring. 84597 this may need to go p n - i'll ask hannah david halitsky mfarmer could i a if you are familiar with wallace stevens' piece sunday morning b not do think folks who read and post at web poetry boards should be your answers decide provide them will help me respond in the correct way crit. thanks for taking time stop by. 84598 re please read david halitsky hannah - good case in point. if mfarmer chooses to respond my query below should the discussion continue here at twb or go p n thanks for whatever time you can afford spend considering this matter. 84599 re this may need to go p n - i'll ask hannah m i am very familiar with steven's sunday morning. have read every poem published by stevens. of course think everyone should stevens but that is really a personal choice. you here unlike wrote complete fully developed poetry. shorty-spurt and unrealized. mfarmer could if are wallace stevens' piece morning b not do folks who post at web poetry boards be your answers decide provide them will help me respond in the correct way crit. thanks for taking time stop by. david halitsky 84600 length is no measure of realization m. david halitsky mfarmer - as a s1 this piece introduces the desired echo stevens' sunday morning with flight cockatoo off headscarf. s2 reflects ironically and not sardonically that all steven's musings in poem on you-know-what are completely irrelevant such must always give way to practical planning being done by living husband. so au contraire realized any attempt meet some arbitrary gauge completeness would simply result unneccessary padding. thanks for taking time bring discussion at least point. 84601 re metric version of the napkin-notes for mfarme david ayers well it might have taken a week or 30 seconds i don't care so much about that neruda example to gauge by his output surely wrote lot poems quickly . but do effect. overall me it's monotonous. feel like words could be changed almost at will and would same little rhyme. isn't poetry. cite john keats poet who also quite lot--and rhymed ...there is nothing intense upon no woman one feels mad kiss face swelling into reality... in short not sort thing you'd want bringing home fanny think. year after least. she grow tired that. assure you. you one. whether this qualifies as ad hom irrelevant point. we're all grown adults. think share notion least part what goes poem has addressed man. without castigating condescending etc. --d 84602 re length is no measure of realization m. m i said a shorty-spurt and unrealized not therfore unrealized. back on the farm when sow had her brood some pigs were healthy runts. this poem runtish. to stretch it by association brilliance like saying you have watched john holmes therefore.... mfarmer - as s1 piece introduces desired echo stevens' sunday morning with flight cockatoo off headscarf. s2 reflects ironically sardonically that all steven's musings in you-know-what are completely irrelevant such must always give way practical planning being done living husband. so au contraire realized any attempt meet arbitrary gauge completeness would simply result unneccessary padding. thanks for taking time bring discussion at least point. david halitsky 84603 stevens and halitsky christopher t george mfarmer - could i ask a if you are familiar with wallace stevens' piece sunday morning hi david sorry but your poem in no way compares to classic. chris 84604 monotony precisely david halitsky ayers fibally getting your name spelled correctly i am so very glad you felt the enough to comment on it. for two reasons. first when one sets out write an ideational piece as opposed emotive last thing cares about is whether reader finds it monotonous - all finishes and understands second even at level are yourself familiar yet with slow paintstaking death of a parent this my time around believe me things both his or her family. not trying plead ad misericordiam here just explain why was offended but in fact delighted reaction intended piece. best regards 84605 re detour waiting for ann savage alex stolis a very good thing... ...thanks the compliment i appreciate your take and taking time peace there is enough in this to bring me back tomorrow another look thats thing-- any of until it s too 84606 re detour waiting for ann savage alex stolis david thanks stopping by peace - this satisfies my personal criterion that a piece have consistent central image refracted into peripheral images which amplify the theme. here is outcome set up great line karma peels back . refraction of peel book natural enough e.g. one layers an onion corollary can't tell its cover etc. also interspersing theme-driving stuff with local color handled-well and prosodic feel. problem last line. after generally deft interesting performance comes upon box years cheez-its stock-boys somehow missed removing from shelves. same holds all cards but less noticeable because it's buried in good stuff. regards halitsky 84607 re detour waiting for ann savage alex stolis chris thanks taking the time and all comments suggestions. much of hyperbole was intentional. i am trying to walk fine line being true movie at same making it something new... thansk again peace hi hard like this. poem has right sort elements be successful but also find that piece is overreaches filled with clearest example m an open book dog-eared pages a broken spine -- really then how are you able drive car similar not as aggregious la seems close enough handle. ivory moon rearview this passage too push far-- echoes off makes me want bury last straw someplace deep clich or broke camel's back. - on other hand there some great lines here opening couplet-- ocean somewhere can smell salt my arm hear crash wave against front fender. keep moment caged her hair falls just cut jeans joshua tree need imagine next few days ending excellent. think will once adjust hyperbolic so simple refocusing needed. good luck. best 84608 you are the best i have found here at twb to date david halitsky mfarmer do not think that anticipated comments in last post from moment posted re echo of stevens nonetheless took risk because thought discussion would be instructive some less ideational twbers. but now as maneuvered into one which am compelled say a either yeah you're right - nerve me or b brilliance should always associate with happy give word here. regards 84609 re detour waiting for ann savage alex stolis david thanks. like i commented to chris am trying reain true the movie but modern it up at same time. agree with you on end and will chop off. also about caged quiet nex line not needing following line. was be consistent story wise as narrator is being blackmailed a murder that has happened. thansk again peace hey nice. real think 'noirish' feel of one yr previous poems. i'm sure if in this series recall had cars travel etc. maybe noir anyway it's great mood create these pieces. treat read. having said guess dh could better. would almost prefer were cut so b.c. preceding last flops bit--or least so. small problem parsing couldn't tell 'quiet' went 'caged' or 'open air.' former then wonder isn't necessary. me 'caged quiet' kindof an interesting idea dwell on. --d 84610 sorry ctg - please clarify david halitsky are you saying that if we take a pair of pieces by masters both acknowledge in which one piece echoes the other then two must be comparable quality to justify echo i'd love see defend open court at p n. regards 84612 re out of breath annmarie eldon i agree this needs an edit. could be v short and still retain its beauty. my best is we unwind somehwere in the belly blue mountain strands hair loop from baseball cap. m happy brought fleece sweater wind makes cold paste on our bodies. would dreaming a shower that expensive chamomile body wash but he begins to sing slips two fingers gnarled strand gently pulls it back. his lyrics blend into new melody ve been singing way up. now know can t sing. want lock next adhesive skin bouquet smells soil caught cargo shorts utopian song jamaican moon gleaming right at us. how beautiful line 84613 re all clear annmarie eldon it takes guts actually to write about the domestrivia of life and make something out it. somehow this needs a little less description more tautness so that we have jump concepts. eg batteries dead i lose cone light halfway down stairs. my hands reach for what they might remember in dark stretched taut over furniture human detritus. upstairs wife waits an all-clear desperate men she s sent me face left our kitchen- ware coffee cake luncheon meat peace way did assured hours before would remain forever ours. at banister end lean look sweeping beam burglars use steal lives into canvas bags. but there nothing cutting rooms free from their pools no glint harm. robe tight relieved stride kitchen drink tap -drink flip off already climb back beside her asleep. 84614 re rendered -- re-revised alex stolis chris this seems a bit lacking to me compared your better work. i think perhaps it is that comes across as didactic. there not the usual engaging quality in other poems. then again might just be me... peace writer joked about bubbling vats where books are pulp new jersey home of five signers declaration independence woodrow wilson and walt whitman. while whitman tended wounded below scales judiciary square soldiers camped u.s. capitol workers cleared cellar build bakery wagons hauled papers founders potomac dumped. nags knackered into glue war's machine renders prisoners broken by lash fist. words define what who we last on lips private his first gurgles twenty years before. love freedom make us firm mel e battle hardest times blizzards doubt our ideals never allow them rendered. christopher t. george 84615 re sunday visit alex stolis david this seems incomplete to me like these are the middle stanzas of a longer poem. i read it and get end poem does not stay with me. just want go on whatever is next. when woman caring for my father wears her morning headscarf there cockatoos who fly into air thru magic doorway master. don't chance know or necessary but from beginning no emotional pull husband has made plans bring children back ghana figuring she'll have time mothering warms up coming spring. now in s2 all dumped too much weight one float thanks peace 84616 thanks hannah nm alex stolis 84617 load factors in ideational vs emotive poetry david halitsky alex stolis - thanks very much for taking the time to stop by. when considering my response below please if you have consider them relation ayers and also mfarmer titled length is no measure of realization . an writer uses setting frame conceit piece he or she assumes that readers are sufficiently able assimilate moderately complex ironic interpersonal relations generally on first read. find relatively simple this overly-complicated i.e. child visiting dying father vs. planning caretaker her husband then correct your assessment piece. following sense. become accustomed expecting too little from poems yourself therefore should not expect get out any pieces. regards 84618 re rendered -- re-revised christopher t george chris this seems a bit lacking to me compared your better work. i think perhaps it is that comes across as didactic. there not the usual engaging quality in other poems. then again might just be me... peace hi alex thanks for reading and commenting. ending most i'm struggling with it. 84619 more carefully proofed version of post just above david halitsky mfarmer do you not think that i anticipated your comments in last from the moment posted to re echo stevens nonetheless took risk because thought discussion would be instructive some less ideational twbers. but now have as maneuvered into one which am compelled say either a yeah you're right - nerve me or b brilliance should always associate with happy give word here. best regards 84620 re coffee barbara silberg i like this and don't even coffee. but i'd lose the buns of promise --maybe too much steel -- grin second runs. on thought keep perfect body. it goes nicely with bump grind. maybe put a neighbor doing striptease at an open window. that would wake neighborhood up. dah-data-duh-duh ... --barbara s. tip oily darkened beans tumbling from their waxy sack they grind while water runs its body through tap. black carafe awaits. my fingers pinch spread egg white filter in nest. last milling done final rinse closing clap completes work. crested stellars jay is strutting deck dog forgets his leash leaps baby cries across yard every speck early light has gathered steamy shout made morning chimes divine sublime cup time. 84622 re rendered -- re-revised annmarie eldon this starts off ok but becomes clich d. i suggest the writer joked about bubbling vats where books are to pulp in new jersey home of five signers declaration independence woodrow wilson and walt whitman. while whitman tended wounded below scales judiciary square soldiers camped u.s. capitol workers cleared cellar build a bakery wagons hauled papers founders potomac be dumped. just as nags knackered into glue war's machine renders prisoners broken by lash fist. words define what who we t he last on lips private his first gurgles twenty years before . are. love freedom make us firm mel e battle hardest times n blizzards doubt our ideals never allow them rendered. 84623 re load factors in ideational vs emotive poetry m factor is quite apropos. you do have a my friend. giving this piece more thought i am convinced tha runtish describes it partially however loathsome may round out the critique. repulsive repellent and noisome come to mind while that seem harsh light of your defense calling upon stevens can safely say abhorrent. pugnance another wor comes mind. was good choice initially. peewee shrimp dandiprat are also descriptive choices when judging poem's stature tradition. thumbelina not bad either. alex stolis - thanks very much for taking time stop by. considering response below please if consider them relation david ayers mfarmer titled length no measure realization . an writer uses setting frame conceit he or she assumes readers sufficiently able assimilate moderately complex ironic interpersonal relations generally on first read. find relatively simple overly-complicated i.e. child visiting dying father vs. planning caretaker her husband then correct assessment piece. following sense. become accustomed expecting too little from poems yourself therefore should expect get any pieces. regards halitsky 84624 thnx ly if you have a moment could visit david halitsky ... the metricized version below and see any improvement in s2 thanks very much again for taking time to comment. regards 84625 wow - did you ever play the porter in macbeth david halitsky mfarmer that was truly stunning i really enjoyed that. could do easily 84626 when friday in high point feels like the great dis si mon disappointment mr. marley bursts breathless with conspiracy into my chaotic office. i uh-huh and nod to fill his pauses. s pea coat smells liverwurst sandwiches ate every day for years from 4th 7th grade. he rattles proof thick fist. can almost see sky grow dark two-headed frogs. once niskayuna summer of 1964 it rained styrofoam until fields hillside elementary turned white crunchy. know this happened but have no proof. smiles asks me questions cannot answer. you says. that green ground starts hopping there won t be a camera within twenty miles. 84627 re thnx ly if you have a moment could visi leo yankevich i don't like the single ing rhyme. ... metricized version below and see any improvement in s2 thanks very much again for taking time to comment. regards david halitsky 84628 yes. that was a deliberate risk with anti-poetics david halitsky to see if the well-known no-no of four same end-rhymes would in this case help induce certain feeling monotony and repetitiveness on reader. you might be thinking something more jejune i not attempting mimic bell tolling for dying father ... but recognize your respect viewpoint even work they may necessarily good idea. best regards 84629 re all clear jacob hello there seem to be two major threads i'm reading into this... the first is literal scene of a man checking for burglars. this an evocative subject...something easily identifiable with. tone poem hints at more worn out kind -- not one driven by fear. beginning with batteries dead and ending already asleep leads me interpret as being about relationship. i think maybe you could dig around in pull relationship...about what hinted she's sent me. also strikes rhythms rituals beyond present we get introduced 'lives' characters...their kitchen their 'luncheon meat' 'coffee cake.' suppose want vivid presentation lives while still retaining sense monotony ritual inherent scene... phrases such dark pools sweeping beam light don't quite do it me...but like desperate men drink from tap flip off robe tight relieved kitchen-ware coffe cake. hope helps lose cone halfway down stairs. my hands reach they might remember stretched taut over furniture human detritus. upstairs wife waits all-clear that she s face have left our kitchen- ware coffee cake luncheon meat peace way did assured hours before would remain forever ours. banister end lean look burglars use steal canvas bags. but nothing cutting rooms free no glint harm. stride climb back beside her asleep. 84630 pyre laurel or cherchez le mari easy as a candle left unattended xmas- scented the room imagine infused with gingerbread ever- green stink of memory potent tree temporarily erected needle-pierced feet apron cinched so tight surely you couldn t breathe oven mitt disguising fist flapping its lips and an army little men cooling arms legs charred faceless burned it down in your dream passive- aggressively dead battery smoke detector never given chance to scream careful carelessly cigarette savored bed smoked languid limbs that precede sleep when body forgets limitations perhaps bursts spontaneously into beautiful conflagration maybe numb extremity drifts like fallen leaf where ember blooms black lily on yellow sheets. this always desired fierce fire hot bright sun wedding day. 84631 re when friday in high point feels like the great laurel what about mr. marley bursts breathless with conspiracy into my chaotic office i uh-huh and nod to fill his pauses s pea coat smells liverwurst sandwiches ate every day from 4th 7th grade he rattles proof thick fist. can almost see sky grow dark two- headed frogs once niskayuna summer of '64 it rained styrofoam until fields hillside elementary turned white crunchy know this happened but have no smiles asks me questions cannot answer. you says that green ground starts hopping there won t be a camera within twenty miles. think it. seriously. 84632 re pyre si mon you've been saying lately my poems sound to you telegraphic or as if written in short-hand. well reverse your read me like are trying too hard places that the description is taken a step far. here how i poem now don't go telling it's about vw will be one screaming bloody something-or-another . easy candle left unattended room infused with gingerbread ever- green stink of memory potent tree needle-pierced feet apron cinched so tight surely couldn t breathe oven mitt disguising fist an army little men cooling arms and legs charred burned it down dream carelessly cigarette savored bed smoked languid limbs precede sleep when body forgets its limitations bursts spontaneously into beautiful conflagration maybe numb extremity drifts fallen leaf where ember blooms black lily on yellow sheets. this always desired fierce fire hot bright sun wedding day. 84634 re pyre jacob perhaps as a counterpoint to what si mon wrote this poems thrives me through its mass of description. it is brimming with description language and thats ok. why because the moves together. flows. reads in one breath. i read rhythm keeps pushing don't stop think get towards end begin faster than can interpret...but good last two lines bring into vivid scene. that again gaining more each time. or cherchez le mari easy candle left unattended xmas- scented room imagine infused gingerbread ever- green stink memory potent tree temporarily erected needle-pierced feet apron cinched so tight surely you couldn t breathe oven mitt disguising fist flapping lips an army little men cooling arms legs charred faceless burned down your dream passive- aggressively dead battery smoke detector never given chance scream careful carelessly cigarette savored bed smoked languid limbs precede sleep when body forgets limitations bursts spontaneously beautiful conflagration maybe numb extremity drifts like fallen leaf where ember blooms black lily on yellow sheets. always desired fierce fire hot bright sun wedding day. 84635 re when friday in high point feels like the great si mon well -- i think about everything seriously...except for things probably should seriously. right now sky is dark and have a 30 minute drive to get home. maybe i'll it some more then. your breathless no punctuation approach sounds lots jacob described own verse. we all our styles likes know. just don't really see this as poem needs different form breaks but am not seeing such now. thanks was gonna tell you vw it's not. title can't any poorer than dead.... i'm spending my weekend reading flannery drinking gin trying reprogram kids. what mr. marley bursts with conspiracy into chaotic office uh-huh nod fill his pauses s pea coat smells liverwurst sandwiches ate every day from 4th 7th grade he rattles proof thick fist. can almost grow two- headed frogs once niskayuna summer of '64 rained styrofoam until fields hillside elementary turned white crunchy know happened smiles asks me questions cannot answer. says that green ground starts hopping there won t be camera within twenty miles. it. laurel 84636 re yes. that was a deliberate risk with anti-poet m anti-poetics ha. just take your lumps. the poem sucks. now if you are saying used special techniques to make it sucks looks like written by someone minimal practically non-existent poetic talent then is smashing success. see well-known no-no of four same end-rhymes would in this case help induce certain feeling monotony and repetitiveness on reader. might be thinking something more jejune i not attempting mimic bell tolling for dying father ... but recognize respect viewpoint even work they may necessarily good idea. best regards david halitsky 84637 no thanks that one's been thrashed out at qed david halitsky ... already. see transparent rebus thread questions of taste forum. do you really think i'm up for wading thru again best regards 84638 re pyre annmarie eldon i can't comment on the content because to me it seems perfect. just say that think you have found your 'shape' line length cadence voice not in this poem but work generally or at least posted here. cherchez le mari easy as a candle left unattended xmas- scented room imagine infused with gingerbread ever- green stink of memory potent tree temporarily erected needle-pierced feet apron cinched so tight surely couldn t breathe oven mitt disguising fist flapping its lips and an army little men cooling arms legs charred faceless burned down dream passive- aggressively dead battery smoke detector never given chance scream careful carelessly cigarette savored bed smoked languid limbs precede sleep when body forgets limitations perhaps bursts spontaneously into beautiful conflagration maybe numb extremity drifts like fallen leaf where ember blooms black lily yellow sheets. always desired fierce fire hot bright sun wedding day. 84639 re rendered -- re-revised christopher t george hi annmarie thank you so much for your suggestions. appreciated. chris this starts off ok but becomes clich d. i suggest the writer joked about bubbling vats where books are to pulp in new jersey home of five signers declaration independence woodrow wilson and walt whitman. while whitman tended wounded below scales judiciary square soldiers camped u.s. capitol workers cleared cellar build a bakery wagons hauled papers founders potomac be dumped. just as nags knackered into glue war's machine renders prisoners broken by lash fist. words define what who we he last on lips private his first gurgles twenty years before . are. love freedom make us firm mel e battle hardest times n blizzards doubt our ideals never allow them rendered. 84640 ibpc nm alex stolis 84641 re out of breath yoly mv- thank you for stopping in and commenting here. i appreciate your input. peace but not tune might consider now know he can t sing. want to lock into our next adhesive skin this bouquet smells soil caught on cargo shorts that utopian song jamaican moon gleaming right at us. mv 84642 re out of breath yoly hi alex- your suggestions are ample. appreciate it. thank you for lending take. peace some comments to take or leave... we unwind somehwere in the belly blue mountain strands hair loop from my baseball cap. i m happy brought fleece sweater wind makes cold paste on our bodies . would be dreaming a shower and that expensive chamomile body wash but he begins sing slips two fingers gnarled strand gently pulls it back. his lyrics blend into new melody ve been singing way up. this part reads bit clumsy me think could tightened up bit... now know can t sing. want lock next adhesive skin bouquet smells soil caught cargo shorts utopian song jamaican moon gleaming right at us. sorry can't more help 84643 re out of breath yoly hi annmarie- thank you. i'll revisit this when able and see about a closer trim. i like that line too peace agree needs an edit. could be v short still retain its beauty. my best is how beautiful annmarie 84644 higher order capacity for smudge-qualia annmarie eldon pre-tessera i want to trace the root of betray but a backlog expectations draws blockages post-frost nasturtiums scatter straw hag limbs border sluts' mismanaged bordello inside smeary windows sweet then not those you words that could do with witch-tress d loosening assertions snick mib against brocatel lo hope yet no econiche safe veridical somatosensory precision which way sentence there has been long season flat tasteless at best disenthralled mysterianism pushing praedicamenta fingers spine as if lumachella certainty alluvial. into thus equipollent his desiderative miscellanies panes matter what cognomentative fudging is only soft presentative this it should be stated more staid sedimented copula she reached and bought history scagiolaic beautifully man-hands fricts makes humhole scum unintent from-in stakes all on rising out breaths are seamstresses sewing their worlds together done roseshoots peep harvestmen piddle along wainscoting brinchy dryness metal in mouldy reach ganosis by creaming hackles prickling though he was trying marmoratum opus plainly stating never so happy marry me follows micro outlines formulative them cement shittybits itself tween bricks walls therefore macilent economic towelling named baby dry up alone reback from mirror-love doubt they rubbed produced marmoraceous osteopetrosis shining curves lines damned winter how come manage shine were gentian time or something else precious two among cowslip here primrose scoliosis codeine non leading villous prolix compress rue sentimental herbiage aguements shake after an emptiness encompassed both bore scars had born enthymemes did know my love instrumental happened upon droplet knowability trickled down honeycomb wisdom gift nor expect reply necrologies embroider her elegiac coda conflate wheresoever differences lead litter number thrown away paracletic when frackled tips none starving millions who starve splutter glaze aids mattered shied bound handed over spirit knock folly preceding foundations lie syllogisms diffused stains important emperors secretions iron-y yeastly nothing build polished refrain river clear unspilt so... cards can read hands too parsed not-silt marsh 84645 the confines of your room r his vision from constantly passing bars has grown weary that it cannot hold anything else. -- rainer maria rilke's panther tranlated by stephen mitchell written like rubric on boards wall still just scrawl even if letters go red fingers bled nail biting and scratches limiting space trying to capitalize a narrowing mind further you. i think ragged carnivorous clawed pacing in cramped circles but mostly bored its inability see beyond bars. 84646 out of breath revised yoly we unwind in the belly blue mountain strands hair loop from my baseball cap. wind makes cold paste on our bodies. i would be dreaming a shower and expensive chamomile body wash but he begins to sing slips two fingers gnarled strand gently pulls it back. his lyrics blend into new melody ve been singing way up. sings off key. want preserve that utopian song near adhesive skin bouquet smells soil caught cargo shorts jamaican moon gleaming right at us. 84647 re the confines of your room cricket hi there trope isn't strong enough to open up multiple reads. it probably would be if didn't start on a simile could added later used space in more interesting way lost capitalizations and finally epi--- whatever they're called . but i enjoyed none less. tell me is mitchell's translation rilke best around crick his vision from constantly passing bars has grown weary that cannot hold anything else. -- rainer maria rilke's panther tranlated by stephen mitchell written like rubric boards wall still just scrawl even letters go red fingers bled nail biting scratches limiting trying capitalize narrowing mind further you. think ragged carnivorous clawed pacing cramped circles mostly bored its inability see beyond bars. 84648 re higher order capacity for smudge-qualia aiou alou i just read a piece about bukowski. how he makes so many folks cry. don't get all of this -- sure but must tell you your poems make me cry in the same way kiri te kanawa's beautiful voice when she sings portuguese. that's not meant to be funny. thank pre-tessera want trace root betray backlog expectations draws blockages post-frost nasturtiums scatter straw hag limbs border sluts' mismanaged bordello inside smeary windows sweet then those words that could do with witch-tress d loosening assertions snick mib against brocatel lo hope yet no econiche safe veridical somatosensory precision which sentence there has been long season flat tasteless at best disenthralled mysterianism pushing praedicamenta fingers spine as if lumachella certainty alluvial. into thus equipollent his desiderative miscellanies panes matter what cognomentative fudging is only soft presentative it should stated more staid sedimented copula reached and bought history scagiolaic beautifully man-hands fricts humhole scum unintent from-in stakes on rising out breaths are seamstresses sewing their worlds together done roseshoots peep harvestmen piddle along wainscoting brinchy dryness metal mouldy reach ganosis by creaming hackles prickling though was trying marmoratum opus plainly stating never happy marry follows micro outlines formulative them cement shittybits itself tween bricks walls therefore macilent economic towelling named baby dry up alone reback from mirror-love doubt they rubbed produced marmoraceous osteopetrosis shining curves lines damned winter come manage shine were gentian time or something else precious two among cowslip here primrose scoliosis codeine non leading villous prolix compress rue sentimental herbiage aguements shake after an emptiness encompassed both bore scars had born enthymemes did know my love instrumental happened upon droplet knowability trickled down honeycomb wisdom gift nor expect reply necrologies embroider her elegiac coda conflate wheresoever differences lead litter number thrown away paracletic frackled tips none starving millions who starve splutter glaze aids mattered shied bound handed over spirit knock folly preceding foundations lie syllogisms diffused stains important emperors secretions iron-y yeastly nothing build polished refrain river clear unspilt so... cards can hands too parsed not-silt marsh 84649 re pyre cricket hi laurel-- i found this hard to read the way it is written line breaks--lines were too long for my taste but expressive as usual. maybe consider losing a modifier on second last line. no need word potent already implied by stink. use of conjuctions. do you like herbert he uses congeries there may be conjunctions and an army . scream seems overreaching--although effective you'll notice perhaps revise that strong piece without being so explicit. not sure about black lily bit either. ie. i'm convinced speaks...it powerful statement when examined amounts little. would completely tone down two lines trust your readers gather subtleties...or not. crick. or cherchez le mari easy candle left unattended xmas- scented room imagine infused with gingerbread ever- green stink memory tree temporarily erected needle-pierced feet apron cinched tight surely couldn t breathe oven mitt disguising fist flapping its lips little men cooling arms legs charred faceless burned in dream passive- aggressively dead battery smoke detector never given chance careful carelessly cigarette savored bed smoked languid limbs precede sleep body forgets limitations bursts spontaneously into beautiful conflagration numb extremity drifts fallen leaf where ember blooms yellow sheets. always desired fierce fire hot bright sun wedding day. 84650 re cavorting cricket jacob-- this seems like verbal dia....to be completely honest. if that was your intent than i suspect you suceeded. kind regards crook the numerous questions of shrewshous trenchity sharepot wannbe s froth into shrapnel shareving it any slack light. octagonal sigh. deranged pleasantries. coronary dystrophy careens reassessment metaphysical structure. tree is already dead where my timepiece 84651 re when friday in high point feels like the great cricket simon-- poem began with a bang and ended premature orgasm...the way that you sealed it up sort of sold out what had preceeded was disappointed. kind regards crook disappointment mr. marley bursts breathless conspiracy into my chaotic office. i uh-huh nod to fill his pauses. s pea coat smells liverwurst sandwiches ate every day for years from 4th 7th grade. he rattles proof thick fist. can almost see sky grow dark two-headed frogs. once niskayuna summer 1964 rained styrofoam until fields hillside elementary turned white crunchy. know this happened but have no proof. smiles asks me questions cannot answer. says. green ground starts hopping there won t be camera within twenty miles. 84652 re higher order capacity for smudge-qualia yoly good golly what an ambitious poem. i scratched my head after two attempts but came back again and now have retained its essentialness. think there is a wave of emotion here written unlike most poems. hats off to you. que viva la diferencia peace pre-tessera want trace the root betray backlog expectations draws blockages post-frost nasturtiums scatter straw hag limbs border sluts' mismanaged bordello inside smeary windows sweet then not those you words that could do with witch-tress d loosening assertions snick mib against brocatel lo hope yet no econiche safe veridical somatosensory precision which way sentence has been long season flat tasteless at best disenthralled mysterianism pushing praedicamenta fingers spine as if lumachella certainty alluvial. into thus equipollent his desiderative miscellanies panes matter cognomentative fudging only soft presentative this it should be stated more staid sedimented copula she reached bought history scagiolaic beautifully man-hands fricts makes humhole scum unintent from-in stakes all on rising out breaths are seamstresses sewing their worlds together done roseshoots peep harvestmen piddle along wainscoting brinchy dryness metal in mouldy reach ganosis by creaming hackles prickling though he was trying marmoratum opus plainly stating never so happy marry me follows micro outlines formulative them cement shittybits itself tween bricks walls therefore macilent economic towelling named baby dry up alone reback from mirror-love doubt they rubbed produced marmoraceous osteopetrosis shining curves lines damned winter how come manage shine were gentian time or something else precious among cowslip primrose scoliosis codeine non leading villous prolix compress rue sentimental herbiage aguements shake emptiness encompassed both bore scars had born enthymemes did know love instrumental happened upon droplet knowability trickled down honeycomb wisdom gift nor expect reply necrologies embroider her elegiac coda conflate wheresoever differences lead litter number thrown away paracletic when frackled tips none starving millions who starve splutter glaze aids mattered shied bound handed over spirit knock folly preceding foundations lie syllogisms diffused stains important emperors secretions iron-y yeastly nothing build polished refrain river clear unspilt so... cards can read hands too parsed not-silt marsh 84653 psalm-poetica michael mv runing behind the only running i do forget to wear out silver bezel blackface movado - wafer-thin numb erless made a museum nude of timepiece. sans haute-horos strapped my left wrist yet don't feel stripped. there is always in sistine sky-vault watchmaker precisely keeping up time with invisible setting and spectral parts guts stick man poetry one naked breath great greek god disfiguring atomic time. 84654 shomio yoly posted months ago. slight revision a boy crush fermenting stops over wishes her happy 19th such - fan-shaped leaves genus i can t name team his hand slide off question fill into the wallpaper watch they crow about peer coups laugh know best ridiculous beauty fish reel colonies of bygones fall aging tides whirr ac whips cool drink tick chases tock life motion s to scurry sets leave gray sides temples head he not one she thanks him folds adolescence smoothes self-rule we divide and send rumors home 84655 re psalm-poetica yoly mv- .. of poetry with one naked breath a poem about watch. ummm i like this lot. interesting work especially the quoted above. peace runing behind only running do forget to wear out silver bezel blackface movado - wafer-thin numb erless made museum nude timepiece. sans haute-horos strapped my left wrist yet don't feel stripped. there is always in sistine sky-vault watchmaker precisely keeping up time invisible setting and spectral parts guts stick man great greek god disfiguring atomic time. 84656 revised si thanks cricket -- i did a revision vut don't know if this is any better or worse in your mind eye. mr. marley bursts breathless with conspiracy into my chaotic office. uh-huh and nod to fill his pauses. s pea coat smells like liverwurst the sandwiches ate every day for years from 4th 7th grade. he rattles proof thick fist. can almost see sky grow dark two-headed frogs. one summer niskayuna it rained styrofoam until fields of hillside elementary turned white crunchy. happened but have no evidence. smiles asks me questions cannot answer. you says. 84657 re revised cyocom this is better i think but have a couple of inline comments. enjoyed the sound. noi mr. marley bursts breathless with conspiracy ----'bursts breathless' indeed almost impossible to say -- whether good or bad don't know it starts poem brakes on. into my chaotic office. uh-huh and nod fill his pauses. s pea coat smells like liverwurst sandwiches ate ----i second 'like'. one has go. every day for years from 4th 7th grade. he rattles proof in thick fist. can see sky grow dark two-headed frogs. summer niskayuna rained styrofoam until fields hillside elementary turned white crunchy. happened no evidence. parenthetical remark. serves as setup end. smiles asks me questions cannot answer. you says. 84658 re higher order capacity for smudge-qualia ryan this is tied with four parte wed.. as my fav. i've read from you thank so much and your spoken poetry on blog stunning 84659 re shomio crick dearest yoly i enjoyed this one besides the genus can't name part. space seemed to work effectively for me although i'll have come back it. thanks posting crock posted months ago. slight revision a boy crush fermenting stops over wishes her happy 19th such - fan-shaped leaves can t team his hand slide off question fill into wallpaper watch they crow about peer coups laugh know best ridiculous beauty fish reel colonies of bygones fall aging tides whirr ac whips cool drink tick chases tock life motion s scurry sets leave gray sides temples head he not she him folds adolescence smoothes self-rule we divide and send rumors home 84661 re when friday in high point feels like the great jude goodwin i liked this it had good bits - mostly seems to be missing something. sure it's a cameo or vignette whatever but what exactly was mr marley's issue could that given us title some thoughts inline disappointment mr. marley im confused. i'd see different title. bursts breathless with conspiracy into my chaotic office. uh-huh and nod fill his pauses. s pea coat smells liverwurst ok it. personally think trimmed. here really reference charms all sandwiches ate every day for years from 4th 7th grade. he rattles proof thick fist. can almost sky grow dark two-headed frogs. is case of poet being too literal. why not just say 'in grade' grade once niskayuna summer 1964 rained styrofoam until fields hillside elementary turned white crunchy. know happened have no proof. .... maybe tad overdone smiles asks me questions cannot answer. oops suddenly he's smiling. rattling fist wasn't getting smile anger oh yeah they grew too. you says. green ground starts hopping there won t camera within twenty miles. shift him wasnt clean. interject something know. right. 84662 re leaves light bulb nicely executed. thanks for sharing. fall as if from up the sky to form their motley shrouds but never question why amid branches and clouds past bramble rose sun above them comes goes does not die. 84663 re shomio annmarie eldon with something tight as this you've got to watch out for multiples posted months ago. slight revision a boy crush fermenting stops over wishes her happy 19th such - fan-shaped leaves genus i can t name team his hand slide off question fill into the wallpaper they crow about peer coups laugh know best ridiculous beauty fish reel colonies of bygones fall down aging tides whirr ac whips cool drink tick chases tock life 's motion s is scurry sets leave gray sides th e ose temples head he not one she thanks him folds self adolescence smoothes self-rule we divide and send ir rumors home these are just suggestions 84664 re leaves david halitsky leo y - technically and prosodically this is elegant lyrical. one question did you deliberately use the same end-rhymes in s2 s1 to give feeling of rhyme falling through s's like if it worked i would your permission cite poem future as occasion arises. thematically gotta believe realize are skirting precipice that a.e. housman skirted a lot even his best stuff. dont' get me wrong am big fan. but also recognize he not post-moderns' cup tea. so don't know ... sun last line pun then really regards 84665 re psalm-poetica david halitsky michael mv why would you ruin this with a brand-name liked the stick man conceit when posted it at gaz and think that larger context provide here has potential. but geez - movado 84666 re shomio yoly annmarie- i like your suggestions. thank you for offering it. might just might.. peace with something tight as this you've got to watch out multiples these are suggestions annmarie 84667 re shomio yoly dear crock- thank you for stopping in. i appreciate it. glad enjoyed. peace dearest enjoyed this one besides the genus can't name part. space seemed to work effectively me although i'll have come back thanks posting crock 84668 re the confines of your room david halitsky r - making letters red in this ...even if go from fingers bled by nail biting and scratches does not disguise cliche which bloody will always be. here limiting space you only telegraph transmit at end poem but also state what are trying to get imply. wazzup with that i would be interested seeing revisions still working on it. 84669 what an incredible waste of obvious talent david halitsky ame - i can see how this would sound good spoken ryan mentioned that your stuff sounds spoken. actually from the few visits i've made to pentecostalist churches in nashville tn and huntsville al areas us tell you speaking tongues also really at times. all seriousness am asking put a words together which explain difference between piece either for response here or p n. regards 84670 re detour waiting for ann savage yoly alex- i enjoyed the central idea here. some of language is marvelous. ride was not entirely smooth but you probably know that. guy perspective. peace there an ocean somewhere and can smell salt on my arm hear crash a wave against front fender. didn t kill anyone karma tends to peel back good intentions. her hair falls just right cut jeans joshua tree all need imagine next few days. she tells me put top down don want refuse anything keep moment caged quiet open air will send this frame flying in every direction. has time we holds cards realize any until it s too late. la seems close enough handle smiles then no one needs who are tell them your destination. voice strays ivory moon echoes off rearview makes bury last straw someplace deep. m book with dog-eared pages broken spine. relentless breathtaking wish had died sleep faster drive slower heart beats read final chapter won how ends. 84671 and it even has instructions for the ppt version david halitsky laurel - consider following from your piece ...xmas- scented room imagine infused with gingerbread or ever- green stink of memory potent a tree temporarily erected needle-pierced feet ... i mean seriously them objectively. first you feel necessary to tell reader what go on describe exhaustively in string exhausted images then make sure driven nail is hammered again write remainder far more over-the-top than be create build required final transmit but at least does not suffer accompanying given all novices creating powerpoint presentations are going do. do it. you've done. 84672 re leaves m if this is a joke it almost successful. the opening has to be one of worst i have read in long time. falling as from sky. they don't know why sun doesn't die scrap quickly. never look back. 84676 re revised jenn hi si like this ending much better. it echoes the poem's tone and idea. i think poem works best in it's original structure. structure right away takes on more of bursts breathless quality yet don't know if that really benefits same manner those wonderful long lines do there is an inner almost contemplative feel to speaker standing while mr. marley goes internally moving from him going somewhere else. couple thoughts for years a given interrupts flow. wonder you even need cannot answer -- enjoyed as always si. thanks cricket did revision vut any better or worse your mind eye. with conspiracy into my chaotic office. uh-huh nod fill his pauses. s pea coat smells liverwurst sandwiches ate every day 4th 7th grade. he rattles proof thick fist. can see sky grow dark two-headed frogs. one summer niskayuna rained styrofoam until fields hillside elementary turned white crunchy. happened but have no evidence. smiles asks me questions answer. says. 84678 re pyre jenn hi laurel hmmmmm... been thinking about this poem for a while. here's my quick thought on it. if you are going to keep the listing action here maybe use of an entirely different structure would be something ot think about. white space is what i mainly mean. after while list overpowers and all music breath lost. certainly that may want overpowering sense things but sometimes it can bit too much me in poem. i've seen do other poems have work quite well so i'm trying articulate why isn't working don't just say -- hey ain't here. can't seem find words. i'll more will come back comes. otherwise descriptions good seems getting buried them. or cherchez le mari easy as candle left unattended xmas- scented room imagine infused with gingerbread ever- green stink memory potent tree temporarily erected needle-pierced feet apron cinched tight surely couldn t breathe oven mitt disguising fist flapping its lips army little men cooling arms legs charred faceless burned down your dream passive- aggressively dead battery smoke detector never given chance scream careful carelessly cigarette savored bed smoked languid limbs precede sleep when body forgets limitations perhaps bursts spontaneously into beautiful conflagration numb extremity drifts like fallen leaf where ember blooms black lily yellow sheets. always desired fierce fire hot bright sun wedding day. 84679 thanks for the candid response david halitsky which i assume includes permission to cite piece as occasion arises. 84680 re leaves christopher t george fall as if from up the sky to form their motley shrouds but never question why amid branches and clouds past bramble rose sun above them comes goes does not die. hi leo i like atmosphere feel of this piece yet hyperbole overpowers whatever worth poem has for me. my personal problem suppose. that is it sounds you are saying questioning coming going dying. that's illogical don't die or live just is. ascription human attributes both appears a me nice surreal opening concept falling upward. all best chris 84681 re higher order capacity for smudge-qualia jenn annmarie no possible way i could ever crit this nor would try. won't pretend 'get' it either at least not all of -- but echo what someone said below. love the spanish language in song don't understand a word spanish. doesn't mean listen to appreciate or respond deeply it. same thing here. ok exactly here you know yes is quite beautiful and haunting. rather overused descriptors it's can do morning they are true nonetheless. 84682 re psalm-poetica christopher t george runing behind the only running i do forget to wear out silver bezel blackface movado - wafer-thin numb erless made a museum nude of timepiece. sans haute-horos strapped my left wrist yet don't feel stripped. there is always in sistine sky-vault watchmaker precisely keeping up time with invisible setting and spectral parts guts stick man poetry one naked breath great greek god disfiguring atomic time. hi mv an attractive thoughtful piece appropriately sparcely written good contemplation meaning imagine first line supposed be not -- that right like your annmarie-like innovation also sharp witty wonder if you need excellent work mv. all best chris 84683 crosswords david halitsky driving 81 you settle in and for whatever am choirs will sing between the mountains random cross that marks an accident. until throwback frame of attendant where stopped gas reminds a small but perfect suit armor once saw somewhere makes wish what he'd really said was 'sblood to mean his blood 'swounds wounds as pulled out prematurely from station with six feet pump hose trailing car bedraggled pennant at lost tournament. 84684 re detour waiting for ann savage jenn ohhh i love this. and see that you are already revising so i'll leave it at that. ok well just a few suggestions below. enjoyed very much alex. the tone drive 'noir' -- will most definitely read again. bet this is fabulous to listen to. there an ocean somewhere can smell salt because want get crash hard k sounds faster. hmmm.. though do like on his arm... well... i'm not help here am my arm hear of wave against front fender. didn t kill anyone but karma tends peel back good intentions. her hair falls right cut jeans joshua tree all need imagine next days. she tells me put top down don refuse anything keep moment caged quiet open isn't working suggested comma. air send frame flying in every direction. has time we holds cards realize any until s too late. la seems close enough handle really think should add comma smiles then no one needs know who tell them your destination. voice strays ivory moon echoes off rearview makes bury last straw someplace deep. m book with dog-eared pages broken spine. relentless breathtaking wish had died sleep faster slower heart beats final chapter won how ends. 84685 re detour waiting for ann savage alex stolis yoly thanks stopping by appreciate it guy perspective is all i got... have not had a chance to comment on your revision but quite bit tighter though do miss the now know he can't sing line... seemed me add kind of poignancy piece rather intimate somehow anyway again peace alex- enjoyed central idea here. some language marvelous. ride was entirely smooth you probably that. perspective. 84686 re detour waiting for ann savage alex stolis jenn thanks stopping by glad you enjoyed and yes i have a revision somewhere. this is part of series... got one posted over at melic right now might send it here again appreciate peace ohhh love this. see that are already revising so i'll leave that. ok well just few suggestions below. very much alex. the tone drive 'noir' -- will most definitely read again. bet fabulous to listen to. there an ocean somewhere can smell salt because want get crash hard k sounds faster. hmmm.. though do like on his arm... well... i'm not help am my arm hear wave against front fender. didn t kill anyone but karma tends peel back good intentions. her hair falls cut jeans joshua tree all need imagine next days. she tells me put top down don refuse anything keep moment caged quiet open isn't working suggested comma. air frame flying in every direction. has time we holds cards realize any until s too late. la seems close enough handle really think should add comma smiles then no needs know who tell them your destination. voice strays ivory moon echoes off rearview makes bury last straw someplace deep. m book with dog-eared pages broken spine. relentless breathtaking wish had died sleep faster slower heart beats final chapter won how ends. 84690 re crosswords david halitsky thanks l. interesting idea. hadn't occurred to me but it could work. regards 84691 re crosswords annmarie eldon only change i suggest is driving 81 you settle in and for whatever am choirs will sing between the mountains random cross that marks an accident. until throwback frame of attendant where stopped gas reminds a small but perfect suit armor once saw somewhere makes wish what he'd really said was 'sblood to mean his blood 'swounds wounds as pulled out prematurely from station with six feet pump hose trailing car bedraggled pennant at lost tournament. 84692 thnx for stopping by david halitsky i see what you mean. 84693 re leaves christopher t george hi chris. it's just simple symbolism. men don't question either. yes the sun will die eventually. but things of earth have long since been dead by then. i use as plato and plotinus it representation one or deity if you will. all best leo sorry mean to make an issue this your poem goes beyond symbolism in that are ascribing human characteristics imho. do grant eventuality although again think does more than give us objective images done imagistic say a haiku. my chris 84694 rendered -- re-revised christopher t george at a factory in new jersey ... books are boiled great big vats... andrei codrescu the disappearance of outside recent years well over 100 people have disappeared or been by cia . some taken to prisons infamous for torture. and few may mistake. flying suspects torture cbs news writer joked about bubbling vats where pulp home five signers declaration independence woodrow wilson walt whitman. while tended wounded boys below scales judiciary square soldiers camped u.s. capitol wagons hauled papers founders down potomac be dumped. just as nags knackered into glue war's machine renders broken lash fist electrodes applied genitals men black masks gloves. words love freedom make us firm mel e battle hardest times blizzards doubt last on lips man his gurgles twenty before. t. 84695 afterlife's linguistic bess teddson examine this construction my father is dead. the following questions arise if dead then presumably gone but how he still albeit and what does describe perhaps signifies not existence equilibrium. doesn't work because a small thing compared to -- quality condition nor identity passing marker as happy or over there. why since death has obliterated man in so much larger than part by right logic do i call mine father- can possess expresses continuance of me died 84696 re what an incredible waste of obvious talent aiou alou ame - i can see how this would sound good spoken ryan mentioned that your stuff sounds spoken. actually from the few visits i've made to pentecostalist churches in nashville tn and huntsville al areas us tell you speaking tongues also really at times. all seriousness am asking put a words together which explain difference between piece either for response here or p n. regards david halitsky what's up with subject line call dang. say -- my initial impression confirmed are idiot oops. have succumbed same perniciousness one hoped eradicate face earth bumma 84697 thanks for the help everyone even dave bowen much-needed help. i'm back on my meds so all is good once again. - 84698 two guys walk into a bar bowen at the my father tells everyone three dirty jokes are all he knows. for dollar ll tell us plots punch lines five more. no takers but one lady wonders if we re driving hearse curbed outside. nod like funeral home directors in commercials sincere smiley. once while girl gets itchy to know so put her on slab slap lid pretend close eyes even. tonight who walked sat down and said notice us. six dollars could change your mood. 84699 re leaves cricket thank god for farmers. i thought this far below your par sir. look back but never nostalgically imho. kind regards fall as if from up the sky to form their motley shrouds question why amid branches and clouds past bramble rose sun above them comes goes does not die. 84700 re afterlife's linguistic cricket this is good but i would interlace it with fragments of what has been lost--floating in white space better and send out. could read idea de suassure. other words makes a poem the line breaks kindest regards examine construction my father dead. following questions arise if dead then presumably gone how he still albeit does describe perhaps signifies not existence equilibrium. doesn't work because small thing compared to -- quality condition nor identity passing marker as happy or over there. why since death obliterated man so much larger than part by right logic do call mine father- can possess expresses continuance me died bess teddson 84701 re rendered -- re-revised cricket dear chris i skimmed through this one and am not really convinced that it is poetic language yet reading like a straightforward narrative with few linguistic turns etc. thought was frame for formalist poem as stands but poetry quite yet. do enjoy your engagement the world. kindest regards crick at factory in new jersey ... books are boiled great big vats... andrei codrescu disappearance of outside recent years well over 100 people have disappeared or been by cia . some taken to prisons infamous torture. may mistake. flying suspects torture cbs news writer joked about bubbling vats where pulp home five signers declaration independence woodrow wilson walt whitman. while tended wounded boys below scales judiciary square soldiers camped u.s. capitol wagons hauled papers founders down potomac be dumped. just nags knackered into glue war's machine renders broken lash fist electrodes applied genitals men black masks gloves. words love freedom make us firm mel e battle hardest times blizzards doubt last on lips man his gurgles twenty before. christopher t. george 84702 i suspect that if ame had been offended david halitsky she would have replied. you mean found the subject line ad hom it was not meant so and do think taken so. in fact thought something of a back-handed compliment. 84703 ok - this one has a well-handled conceit david halitsky ash strong which is generally technically in my opinion. only change i would make the final s eliminate notice us. but tonight we re two guys who walked into bar sat down and said for six dollars could your mood. to me us voice diction not an interesting surprise . regards 84704 re two guys walk into a bar yoly ash- the hustler comes to mind. nice way tie up end. peace at my father tells everyone three dirty jokes are all he knows. for dollar ll tell us plots punch lines five more. no takers but one lady wonders if we driving hearse curbed outside. nod like funeral home directors in commercials sincere smiley. once while girl gets itchy know so put her on slab slap lid pretend close eyes even. tonight who walked sat down and said notice us. six dollars could change your mood. 84705 re afterlife's linguistic sbern just as one allows another's stipulative definition of linguistics --language or 'a' language -- long that definer works within the wholesale paradigms 'lan- guage a language' and strays not toward discipling fashions have earned phds i'm talking 101 here fine hypothetical syllogism it is too. i count three 'ifs' at beginning end if bind cen- ter exercise which are iffy all. first dead then presumably gone thought an ordinary conditional with consequent drawn on after ante- cedent but knew better than to trust first. 'presumably' hedges easy-money bet this conditional. take word out think pleonasm leave in tautology. don't know why what do about 'in out' 'presumably.' like other propositional verbs 'think' denotes happened instant can't be withdrawn. you really didn't that. can show were mistaken. --i withdraw such verb. may wrong event fact it. get back critique. ok. we read poetry react cognitive ones. second 'if' party elllipsis xxxx copulic syllepsis. how he still although dead. _____ line needs careful reading. 'is' sylleptical much same was king more audibly voice lingers 'was' sarcasm attaches. presume nothing eliot's 'still.' third does father describe .. its parenthetical construction reads intensionally forensic. now scare-quotes around manner presenting word. by reader linguistically attuned poet's 'sense' many 'is's.' competent poets often hide theme qualifi- cation hedge so here. 'per- haps signifies existence equi- librium softly blares virgil's blare from tuscan trumpets masterful control poem. 'perhaps' functions humble deliberate litotes. 'is ' all senses possible schematically grammatically tropically 'equilibrium daseinanalysis narrator's organism questioning. say 'organism' for reason equlibrium function biologies psychologies. 'dead my father' doesn't work implies 'my jacks imperative examine construction. narrator wants way utterance let us see can. poem's middle part said resist talk lest bore. containing 'construction also clarifies injunction poem poet ratify grammar's necessity obligation make sense equilibrious. begins state disequi- holds forth remains precinct. last tie trio. thanks giving me chance comment your poetry. delighted 84706 black-tie yoly that night wanted to be this poem. it took shape slowly rising sunrise. against black required grain i wore a white knit-dress sling-backs hair bohemian loose with natural waves glamour on the eyes and kiss of lip-gloss. greeted behaved drank green martinis. he was wall-street skyscraper pair blue lights glowing softly holding glass ice-water. his height stretched my heart steel drew vanity from stars. broke into circle parking-lights introduced self. didn t mix deadweight italic fantasy s clarity. how does one dream so straight narrow me through corridors bright drought. flood gaps widening pitfall lost loves. we held hands all way home volts charged undergrounds. became girl who felt passion climb her hot legs daring let go middle-age creak for urban sirens. 84707 a thought or two in your direction damian j. palyo i needed to look up couple of definitions from dictionary.com render reduce convert melt down fat by heating. perform an interpretation musical piece for example give what is due owed. hey man. do you think walt whitman's relationship with anne gilchrist could be worked here at all. i'm gonna read something she wrote about whitman so can see someone else him. found out that had lots brothers. they weird names. did know supposedly commit close him insane asylum last question. just manohla dargis' review whiskey uraguayan film. hear the voice austerity and posterity odds. responsible fatherhood libertarian thing. like people should good fathers according rules not sure cause don't follow them. cia only cell patriarchy makes weak son disappear isn't ishmael greater brother closest father. was named after his father wasn't he some brothers were founding fathers. who have long island. patriarch same as patriarchs offices today. certainly intended there purification. agree. better way. but which way does this mean gay if refuse interrogate another man's rules. no others their strengths. weakness. that's murder. rendered factory new jersey ... books are boiled great big vats... andrei codrescu disappearance outside recent years well over 100 disappeared been . taken prisons infamous torture. few may mistake. flying suspects torture cbs news writer joked bubbling vats where pulp home five signers declaration independence woodrow wilson whitman. while tended wounded boys below scales judiciary square soldiers camped u.s. capitol wagons hauled papers founders potomac dumped. nags knackered into glue war's machine renders broken lash fist electrodes applied genitals men black masks gloves. words love freedom make us firm mel e battle hardest times blizzards doubt on lips man gurgles twenty before. christopher t. george 84708 ok - you've stepped up to the plate with this one. david halitsky yoly only false-notes heard by ear head are as follows 1 he took me through corridors bright drought. i wanted flood gaps widening pitfall of lost loves. image here is not striking conceits you have already startled us that's always danger hitting those high-notes so dead-on and righteously early in a piece maintain standard yourself set. problem begins oddity drought it's way too abstract compared deadly concrete accuracy what done before. 2 volts charged undergrounds. my again thinks prosody requires voltage undergrounds 3 became girl who felt passion climb her hot legs daring let go middle-age creak for urban sirens. says should be implied because words . an easily fixable but will presume make suggestions yet since may revision already. regards 84709 re afterlife's linguistic damian j. palyo you killed your father. now resurrect him. are god. examine this construction my father is dead. the following questions arise if dead then presumably gone but how he still albeit and what does describe perhaps signifies not existence equilibrium. doesn't work because a small thing compared to -- quality condition nor identity passing marker as happy or over there. why since death has obliterated man in so much larger than part by right logic do i call mine father- can possess expresses continuance of me died bess teddson 84710 son for the port said david halitsky note was one of several night clubs in new york city's greek town which fell victim as a commercially-viable entity to many factors ethnic white flight out manhattan lily-white suburbs distrust anything middle eastern after 1972 greed owners who would use club gambling chip literally. you can still go astoria nyc borough queens but it ain't same. i may decide complete this sonnet then again not since music suddenly stopped - made by such mohammad el akkad actually royal kanoun-ist farouk last king egypt before gamal nasser took country over. hasn't been there while place where should never have presumed without enough guard against face every dancer whom you'd come know thought shower her with cash and looked at pitying disdain she insistently wrap sash around your head unless rain. 84711 also legendary of course are the club's dancers david halitsky ... anahid salijah athena morocco sabah elena 84712 re two guys walk into a bar jenn hello ash i like what you're doing here and the sounds are wonderful. would you consider revisiting line breaks particularly before verbs which feel create more of distraction than an emphasis. it may be me but want -- perhaps between stanzas 3 4. bit this dark edge to carry through end. anyway just thoughts for you. few suggestions below. at my father tells everyone three dirty jokes all he knows. dollar ll tell us plots punch lines five more. no takers one lady wonders if we driving think about putting 'the hearse curbed' can't articulate why though. curbed outside. nod funeral home directors in commercials sincere i'm not sure that info is necessary given everything getting. though fit ok rhythm doesn't. smiley . once while girl gets itchy eeps something besides 'smiley' teasing there were else... different break as well. know so put her on slab slap lid pretend close eyes even. yes. love these last lines...except confused. she being then it's me. kind when tonight who walked sat down said notice us. six dollars could change your mood. 84713 a poet and gardener russell bittner both spermatogenetic when once they spot love s recipe are apt to churn frenetic. so if nymph in net caf goes yodeling on yahoo she daft draft for princes pix of her princessly rago t. cause not-so-bright cosmopolites two pat land-grabbing pathos would slit throat mount moat sponge back bathos. potpourri delirium where thyme melts mint suet d let rose marry marjoram then nettle sage skew it. yet our sorrel decamped with an ounce oleander i venture oafs grecian urns quick as bic unhand her. poisonous evergreen shrub the dogbane family. 84714 re black-tie annmarie eldon i love this couplet to open that night wanted be poem. it took shape slowly rising sunrise. against black required grain wore a white knit-dress sling-backs hair bohemian loose with natural waves glamour on the eyes and kiss of lip-gloss. greeted behaved drank green martinis. he was wall-street skyscraper pair blue lights glowing softly holding glass ice-water. his height stretched my heart steel drew vanity from stars. broke into circle parking-lights introduced self. didn t mix deadweight italic fantasy s clarity. how does one dream so straight narrow me through corridors bright drought. flood gaps widening pitfall lost loves. if you could similar would great. too much explained here perhaps... we held hands all way home volts charged undergrounds. became girl who felt passion climb her hot legs daring let go middle-age creak for urban sirens. but fab anyway 84715 re two guys walk into a bar annmarie eldon great title. good dark ish mood. needs the line breaks fixed i think that's all. at my father tells everyone three dirty jokes are all he knows. for dollar ll tell us plots punch lines five more. no takers but one lady wonders if we driving hearse curbed outside. nod like funeral home directors in commercials sincere smiley. once while girl gets itchy to know so put her on slab slap lid pretend close eyes even. tonight who walked sat down and said notice us. six dollars could change your 84716 re ok - this one has a well-handled conceit bowen thanks dave. i've had another suggest the same. ash strong which is generally technically in my opinion. only change i would make final s eliminate notice us. but tonight we two guys who walked into bar sat down and said for six dollars could your mood. to me us voice diction not an interesting surprise . regards david halitsky 84717 re two guys walk into a bar bowen thanks yoly. i love the hustler. ash- hustler comes to mind. nice way tie up end. peace yoly 84718 re afterlife's linguistic joan you should send this to an academic journal where dead language accumulates masked under the genre poetry. professors would love it and extol sky finding in stability that they seek. even if proports a lack of does so is inherently stabilizing hence nothing comes through but theory imo. can be analysed by who have much time. best examine construction my father dead. following questions arise then presumably gone how he still albeit what describe perhaps signifies not existence equilibrium. doesn't work because small thing compared -- quality condition nor identity passing marker as happy or over there. why since death has obliterated man larger than part right logic do i call mine father- possess expresses continuance me died bess teddson 84719 re two guys walk into a bar bowen jenn will look line breaks. i sort of went with the long lines to emulate prose nature jokes. but i'll definitely revisit. waffle on need for more. think that should continue little more and then go nah. jokes are typically short. so . dunno. anyway appreciate your thoughts comments. hello ash like what you're doing here sounds wonderful. would you consider revisiting breaks particularly before verbs which feel create distraction than an emphasis. it may be me want -- perhaps between stanzas 3 4. bit this dark edge carry through end. just you. few suggestions below. at my father tells everyone three dirty all he knows. dollar ll tell us plots punch five no takers one lady wonders if we driving about putting 'the hearse curbed' can't articulate why though. curbed outside. nod funeral home directors in commercials sincere i'm not sure info is necessary given everything getting. though fit ok rhythm doesn't. smiley once while girl gets itchy eeps something besides 'smiley' teasing there were else... different break as well. know put her slab slap lid pretend close eyes even. yes. love these last lines...except confused. she being it's me. kind when tonight who walked sat down said notice us. six dollars could change mood. 84720 re two guys walk into a bar bowen am always pleasure to get your take on things. will another look at line breaks which you me lol thanks again. great title. good dark ish mood. needs the fixed i think that's all. annmarie 84721 re black-tie barbara silberg you had me until bright with drought. i couldn't picture it. know wanted to contrast drought flood but think need rethink this. i'd cut the last stanza's hot as too overdone and daring let go of middle-age creak for urban sirens. it's not up rest i'm afraid. enjoyed this nevertheless. --barbara s. that night be poem. it took shape slowly rising sunrise. against black required grain wore a white knit-dress sling-backs hair bohemian loose natural waves glamour on eyes kiss lip-gloss. greeted behaved drank green martinis. he was wall-street skyscraper pair blue lights glowing softly holding glass ice-water. his height stretched my heart steel drew vanity from stars. broke into circle parking-lights introduced self. didn t mix deadweight italic fantasy s clarity. how does one dream so straight narrow through corridors gaps widening pitfall lost loves. we held hands all way home volts charged undergrounds. became girl who felt passion climb her legs 84722 the nature of evil barbara silberg like hourly sex in a motel at desperation s west end sin can be bought cheaply ice-cold beer and cigarettes wal-mart or grocery store. charges many fees pornography using wayward children desperate na ve is bargain simple murder even serial exacts higher price. but deepest roots are sunk years lemon oil wax within fine antique wood into hearts men flushed with power wealth bored routine humdrum politics droll ennui paid-for designer drugs thinking to do unto others what would could never done them merely for fun shivery kick that gives caught punished enjoying crush another soul beneath one polished heel. there subtle closing eyes turning head so iniquity may have it rapacious way chocolate-sweet forcing through greed lust fear nihilistic choice. rotting green twist good intentions self-serving lies gain war. unquestioning slash corrupt smash laws which make civil. cruel seductress hungry lips clawing touch feeds on meals cause any cost. downing loss innocence warm brandied tea eats small sins breakfast. 84725 re two david halitsky leo - technically these are quite deft and the imagery is as strong anything kozinski manufactured in his so-called autobiographical first novel with which i am sure you familiar. comments 1 think last couplet thematically wrong. lot was involved an intra-family deal wife looked back end of story. that a reference to full story hebrews' post-purim revenge or any ot stories various blood-enemies hebrews were decimated e.g. amalekites would be far more appropriate. although couldn't use without losing look trope it's not high-point piece anyway. 2 second really does require note because only thing can 1945 state security personnel refer soviet jews given carte blance take polish who had fled union then returned. but even for me knows about your subject matter my mongrel ancestry well politics this new one. if prefer continue email dhalitsky cumulativeinquiry.com regards 84726 re the nature of evil fred longworth like hourly sex in a motel at desperation s west end sin can be bought cheaply ice-cold beer and cigarettes wal-mart or grocery store. charges many fees pornography using wayward children desperate na ve is bargain simple murder even serial exacts higher price. but deepest roots are sunk years lemon oil wax within fine antique wood into hearts men flushed with power wealth bored routine humdrum politics droll ennui paid-for designer drugs thinking to do unto others what would could never done them merely for fun shivery kick that gives caught punished enjoying crush another soul beneath one polished heel. there subtle closing eyes turning head so iniquity may have it rapacious way chocolate-sweet forcing through greed lust fear nihilistic choice. rotting green twist good intentions self-serving lies gain war. unquestioning slash corrupt smash laws which make civil. cruel seductress hungry lips clawing touch feeds on meals cause any cost. downing loss innocence warm brandied tea eats small sins breakfast. bit too preachy my tastes yet filled images e.g. opening simile sex. i think image doesn't work though because these things don't penetrate very deeply if applied centuries. nails screws spikes . beatings three-year-old go deep. take greatest individual probably rape-torture-murder by killers children. collective endeavor not acts individuals. horrors nazi regime were perpetrated collective. 84727 re the nature of evil bowen barbara as usual wonderful lines. but this seems overly didactic to me. teach me don't preach y'know i really love last line and thought maybe that is real jumping off point for piece. has much say it another way always a joy read your work. best a. like hourly sex in motel at desperation s west end sin can be bought cheaply ice-cold beer cigarettes wal-mart or grocery store. charges many fees pornography using wayward children desperate na ve bargain simple murder even serial exacts higher price. deepest roots are sunk years lemon oil wax within fine antique wood into hearts men flushed with power wealth bored routine humdrum politics droll ennui paid-for designer drugs thinking do unto others what would could never done them merely fun shivery kick gives caught punished enjoying crush soul beneath one polished heel. there subtle closing eyes turning head so iniquity may have rapacious chocolate-sweet forcing through greed lust fear nihilistic choice. rotting green twist good intentions self-serving lies gain war. unquestioning slash corrupt smash laws which make civil. cruel seductress hungry lips clawing touch feeds on meals cause any cost. downing loss innocence warm brandied tea eats small sins breakfast. 84728 to riff on ash not teach preach - reach david halitsky barbara silberg here's what the first poet i ever knew told me when was maybe 11 or 12 and wrote a long poem about civil rights movement never state imply. if you do it in novel way that hasn't been done before precisely same way. that's only can really people by making them think for themselves. an example of implication it's good but conveys idea like be bought motels at desperation's west end wal-marts you've got id. fifth lenox scratch ... nothing is said everything implied. liked lot rewrite continuing vein. regards 84729 at the bar revised slightly bowen my father tells everyone three dirty jokes are all he knows. for a dollar ll tell us plots punch lines five more. no takers but one lady wonders if we re driving hearse curbed outside. nod like funeral directors in commercials sincere smiley. once while girl gets itchy to know so put her back slap on lid pretend close eyes even. they come and go dead ones you don t forget mother said death meant repeats do-overs were hair salons. it was joke tonight two guys walked sat down notice us. six dollars could change your mood. 84730 it took poets to remind encourage me howl michael mv in lieu of snl i roam up the street need some muse-action. within minutes land on doorsteps under loom a dark canopy then knew would not be long now. tenant leaving assumes have business there and allows entrance into neighboring brownstone that's wired as if he doorman resident. log-on connect with pome by dawg about season changing shift last moon winter longest for while. complete windows media player deja-vu download remastered outtake stevie nicks goth-ballad sister which happened discover just nights before. deux enfants terribles -- replaying brother rewriting wrapped what could line so we make our choices when is no choice listen their voices ignoring own voice seizing night little sleep this 84731 re the nature of evil barbara silberg thanks for your input. it's a bit too preachy my taste too. --barbara s. tastes yet filled with many good images e.g. opening simile hourly sex. i think lemon oil and wax image doesn't work though because these things don't penetrate very deeply even if applied centuries. nails screws spikes . beatings three-year-old children go deep. take on is that greatest individual probably rape-torture-murder by serial killers children. collective endeavor not acts individuals. horrors nazi regime were perpetrated collective. fred 84732 re the nature of evil barbara silberg hey ash. this is a bit too preachy for my normal taste but i haven't decided how to change it yet. thank you your praise and feedback. --barbara s. as usual wonderful lines. seems overly didactic me. teach me don't preach y'know really love last line thought maybe that real jumping off point piece. has much say another way always joy read work. best a. bowen 84733 re to riff on ash not teach preach - reach barbara silberg david thanks for your feedback. yeah i know it's preachy. and you're right about implying rather than stating but i'll have let this simmer the back burner a while. -- s. here's what first poet ever knew told me when was maybe 11 or 12 wrote long poem civil rights movement never state imply. if you do it in novel way that hasn't been done before precisely same way. that's only can really people by making them think themselves. an example of implication good conveys idea like be bought motels at desperation's west end wal-marts you've got id. fifth lenox scratch ... nothing is said everything implied. liked lot rewrite continuing vein. regards halitsky 84734 re at the bar revised slightly barbara silberg i like revise. quirky subject matter to say least. see below for a couple of inline suggestions. feel free ignor them but do think present tense throughout all last would be more effective. --barbara s. my father tells everyone three dirty jokes are he knows. dollar ll tell us plots punch lines five more. no takers one lady wonders if we driving hearse curbed outside. nod funeral directors in commercials -- sincere smiley. once while girl gets itchy know so put her back slap on lid pretend close eyes even. they come and go dead ones you don t forget . m mother said says death mean s repeats do-overs were hair salons. it was is joke tonight two guys walked sat down notice us. six dollars could change your mood. 84735 re this anti-semitic rhetoric barbara silberg oh goody. the collective guilt of jews. what a novel idea -- not. and even if is nicely packaged still reeks anti-semitism should not be allowed on board or any other. two koniuchy eastern poland 1944 perhaps there are real angels who assist ghosts martyrs to other side since left behind cannot resist flames hell family three died slowly at hands hateful men yaakov prenner holding match gas looks residue pain ten inch block wood lodged in father s ass skin peeled from mother neck back brain matter infant floor. he knows enemy will soon attack that caught won t survive war. yiddish commands his pour strike like lot never look back. gleiwitz 1945 boy thirteen wears pitch black pants german scouts. some women with glee try drown cries. they curse chants. jewish guards state security too full hate want hear young nazi face hairless innocence tear cheek only shield. race pock tender flesh cigarettes delighting lilith-like cruel scene. almost feel pangs something higher but have come far without regrets douse light blond hair gasoline free him mercy their fire. 84736 the green season jenn coroner asked if she drank her throat swollen to closing front and back embracing shape perhaps of a mouth around screw-top bottle or lips sucking juice from too ripe pear. i could have told him late afternoon worked best for rim arm window yardarm armistice with day orange nails slow tick sins along frame. we anchor ourselves by things seen how night my father would come doctor god taking temperature licked finger forehead concentrated measure essence heat. again he bent steady bow prayer as were bobbing apples pears enough sink his teeth into. 84737 re the green season crick what a treat to see your poetry jenn. accomplished poem. no nits. i'm fan of yours. cricket coroner asked if she drank her throat swollen closing front and back embracing shape perhaps mouth around screw-top bottle or lips sucking juice from too ripe pear. i could have told him late afternoon worked best for rim arm window yardarm armistice with day orange nails slow tick sins along frame. we anchor ourselves by things seen how night my father would come doctor god taking temperature licked finger forehead concentrated measure essence heat. again he bent steady bow prayer as were bobbing apples pears enough sink his teeth into. 84742 re the green season crick one crit. title seems awefully predicatable. best cricket what a treat to see your poetry jenn. accomplished poem. no nits. i'm fan of yours. 84743 re also legendary of course are the club's danc farouhk wachablahlila ... anahid salijah athena morocco sabah elena sure 84744 re since when is the truth anti-semitic farouhk wachablahlila not anti-semitic. 'the truth' you gotta be kidding right da tolddddddddddddd i demand told and it at once maybe your buddy hatit should get on now tell us all that 'content' up for discussion only poetic bullshit come -- hatitsky. where'd go bro let my point clear precicely cause this inflammatory posted one want to aprised of 'da leo baby actually. take another peak. itsn 'not enough. also - -this by no means equate narrator as poet don't an entity floating in amorphous unaccoutable atmosphere internet workshop which shall sole topic debate yah what's telly tonight thank boss thunda road 84745 re two rockwell well made and told leo. thanks. koniuchy eastern poland 1944 perhaps there are real angels who assist the ghosts of martyrs to other side since what is left behind cannot resist flames hell a family three died slowly at hands hateful men yaakov prenner holding match gas looks residue pain ten inch block wood lodged in father s ass skin peeled from mother neck back brain matter infant on floor. he knows enemy will soon attack that if caught won t survive war. yiddish commands his pour strike like lot never look back. gleiwitz 1945 boy thirteen wears pitch black pants german scouts. some women with glee try drown cries. they curse chants. jewish guards state security too full hate want hear young be nazi face hairless innocence tear cheek only shield. still race pock tender flesh cigarettes delighting lilith-like cruel scene. almost feel pangs something higher but have come this far without regrets douse light blond hair gasoline free him mercy their fire. 84746 confessional pretentious or both david halitsky jenn - this is the only line in piece with any clear meaning i could have told him we anchor ourselves by things seen and it palpably untrue. but its untruth least of sins to put such a present general tense pseudo-profundity into middle which each marvel unclarity bordering on meaninglessness merely bring attention larger fault itself. learned from work at three poets gaz appreciate what term poetry evocation creates certain mood feeling-tone around topic. so obscure as evoke nothing except suspicion that author working out some private agenda grief anger expense reader. 84747 you're a loose cannon whether the editors see it david halitsky or not. to make remarks about presumed relationship between poster and b when critting piece of is mark truly cannon. also take liberties with person's name another i would complain formally officialdom around here in hopes eventually getting you permanently banned from internet itself one step at time but know my experience qed that do no good. so absence any support chicken-shit moderators administrators can only deal this type post informal interpersonal level by telling go flying fuck moon. regards 84748 but if it were margalit would be different david halitsky no 84749 sonnet from the port said completed for p doran david halitsky it hasn't been there a while place where one should never have presumed to go without enough guard against face of every dancer whom you'd come know but still thought you shower her with cash and looked at pitying disdain as she insistently would wrap sash around your head unless made rain. morocco anahid salijah. what monies we all tucked their hips elena carla course sabah. dowson given lips oh see them do cifetelli each helen casus belli. note was several night clubs in new york city's greek town which fell victim commercially-viable entity many factors ethnic white flight out manhattan lily-white suburbs distrust anything middle eastern after 1972 greed owners who use club gambling chip literally. can astoria nyc borough queens ain't same. club's belly-dancers are now also legendary certain circles salijah athena sabah ... they dancers were required leave stage during shows circulate among tables purpose collecting tips split band house too maybe - i don't remember. these form bills typically stuck by customers into belt dancer's or else straps bra. part common dance-routine westerners most familiar is slow syncopated ciftetelli belly-dancer's routine skill abdominal muscle control show-cased. http www.google.ca search hl en q portuguese meta 84750 re dowson see also david halitsky redowsonseealsothislinktohispoem 84751 re the green season hannah jenn- always good to return board after a prolonged break and see work like this at top of page. i really haven't any nits. thought tone was precise dark undercarriage poem carried off by bright imagery careful pacing. i'll query on few spots 1. embracing shape perhaps wonder if you either need comma before or removal word entire. that will mess up some sonic stress things in line certainly but can adjust those think well enough. 2. i'm not sure pear thing works twice. both lines are strong--but they against one another rather than into. she sucks from too-ripe he bobs for just-ripe especially when title is ...either there's enough done remaining structure lend weight metaphor...or...too much so it becomes overkill final line. 3. how late night just want at. 4. concentrated measure essence heat strikes me as somewhat failed might collusion with stronger around overall...a phrase isn't pulling its weight. overall nice work. enjoyed poem. -hannah 84752 george lincoln rockwell david halitsky if so where the hell you been lately 84753 re it took poets to remind encourage me how hannah michael- this isn t doing much for at the moment. erratic grammar and punctuation seems my eye more accident than intention although in a few places s clear that you ve used line breaks substitute inconsistency is bothersome . worst lines like within minutes i land on doorsteps under loom of dark canopy then knew would not be long now. which surely grammatically correct nor does cessation grammatical sense infer any additional purpose direction meaning. poem picks up quite bit once we hit stevie nicks remaining text interesting trope even if language still slack or underworked. thanks chance read respond michael. -h 84754 re at the bar revised slightly hannah ash- my father tells everyone three dirty jokes are all he knows. for a dollar ll tell us plots punch lines five more. no takers but one lady consider removing from l2 to work better with everyone. replacement second tell. nice elision transition between and lady. wonders if we driving hearse curbed outside. nod like funeral directors in commercials sincere i don t get commercials. why emphasis is on suggestion that they aren all. what then actors con-men would you sharpening support how-to-read-this-line elsewhere poem smiley. once while girl gets itchy know so put her back slap lid . pretend close eyes even come go dead ones forget mother said death meant repeats do-overs were hair salons. it was joke tonight something ought be done sentence. won attempt because have idea where pauses fall. two guys walked sat down notice us. six dollars could change your mood. s interesting. ve written few poems lately abstract or try themselves jokes. least begin way. always wanted man walks into ouch line too far attempts failed rather enormous scale. anyway. doing. think connect an interesting phenomenon happens when extraneous details of fill out become poem. i.e. punchline never given it. reading ricoeur this morning suppose concept narrative detour prominent mind has somewhat unique potential turning destination way might less acceptable other genres film novel music highly crafted tuned apparatus provided recent past alone cast some nay votes against piece. m interested reworking punch-line as broken-line particular breaks l12. alright. before really started shut up. thanks chance read respond. -h 84755 re since when is the truth anti-semitic hannah dear boss- um. no. not cool. either stop or email me and we can decide whether i'm wrong to ask you stop. pretty sure not. -h 84756 re you're a loose cannon whether the editors see hannah your response is inappropriate. consider this strike one. i hope you get my allusion to american game of baseball and thus are able infer exactly what mean. if can't figure it out--that's email address at top page i'll be more than happy clarify. -h 84757 re the nature of evil hannah barbara- it s been awhile since i ve seen one yours here. unfortunately didn t find much value in this poem. rhetorically point is obscured and or written over by inferences assumptions that may be clear to writer but never reader. recently word has taken spotlight a long series increasingly vague vapid political denouncements against ideas people nations. poem does same think works no end reduce concept some sort mismatched set actions thoughts described vaguest terms. narrator self-established ability judge hard for me accept sense irony self-doubt critical mode concerns me. wasn william carlos williams who wrote we are wiser shut ourselves on either hand knows whether good evil. further language itself sparks great fire. there run-ons punctuation oddities sloppy line-breaks incorrect use contraction over-modification clich unsubstantiated unsupported comparative devices weak verbs weaker nouns . times when rings most clearly my ear those where you impart layer experience destination direction top rant. beer cigarettes. warm brandied tea. breakfast consumption allegory setup albeit too late at close can blame little being just not mood today. few other poems deal with subject yet do more resonant interesting way. morning whatever reason sexton seekers pops into mind as example how vivid image deft handling line pace wonders i'll post born luck which say gold our mouth. new smooth grape pure pond alaska stem green bean-- ought enough able carry from must learn about what subhuman blood out like scream see night before realize day listen animal within walk sleepwalker edge roof throw part her body devil's odd stuff you'd say. i'd die thanks chance read respond. -h 84758 re when friday in high point feels like the great si mon yes...new title -- is name of a city actually. i was reading about religious movements and disappointment. mr. m. has conspiracy theories everything...good 4th - 7th grade. emphatic but able to smile at drop an opinion. very large man who's can even be intimidating. anyhoo lots good suggestions appreciate your help s. liked this it had bits mostly seems missing something. sure it's cameo or vignette whatever what exactly mr marley's issue could that given us some thoughts inline disappointment marley im confused. i'd see different title. bursts breathless with into my chaotic office. uh-huh nod fill his pauses. s pea coat smells liverwurst ok it. personally think trimmed. here really reference charms all sandwiches ate every day for years from he rattles proof thick fist. almost sky grow dark two-headed frogs. case poet being too literal. why not just say 'in grade' grade once niskayuna summer 1964 rained styrofoam until fields hillside elementary turned white crunchy. know happened have no proof. .... maybe tad overdone smiles asks me questions cannot answer. oops suddenly he's smiling. rattling fist wasn't getting anger oh yeah they grew too. you says. green ground starts hopping there won t camera within twenty miles. shift him wasnt clean. interject something know. right. 84759 to jenn si mon thanks i need get rid of either the for years -- or 4th through 7th grade... and cannot answer i'll think about that part some more. appreciate your help s. hi like this ending much better. it echoes poem's tone idea. poem works best in it's original structure. structure right away takes on more bursts breathless quality yet don't know if really benefits same manner those wonderful long lines do there is an inner almost contemplative feel speaker standing while mr. marley goes internally moving from him going somewhere else. couple thoughts a given interrupts flow. wonder you even enjoyed as always si. 84760 to cy si mon thanks -- i will try and get rid of the second like appreciate your help here s. this is better think but have a couple inline comments. enjoyed sound. noi ----'bursts breathless' indeed breathless almost impossible say whether good or bad don't know it starts poem with brakes on. ----i 'like'. one has go. parenthetical remark. serves as setup for end. 84761 spring annmarie eldon flatulence skewers a landscape rappees where no skank freedom sniffs between bankrises this marsh of year before branches pop river banks nonce leftover moth mouthfuls and the timing is out name clouds something televisiony autocratic n' horrible - 'feds' or archaically fabricated such as noblesse o'erseiged snatch their response like old men's trousers scarped dead-heaviness head bothers crotch-smell then howcome scotoma sucking-capable that they may suckle place settings each macro view remembered present without recall to what's massed about us bronze age bedrock white chalk horses ritually juridical. utilitarian pleachers hazel whipped set with droor hygrometrical diamont d e -h angings season-of-gathering-in vanquished vanishing point clocks squat preternaturally menopausal yet most sunsets still appear repeat foetus if past unsure becomes parabolared reborn thus torn tic spawngut from parasitic winter we uninstall doxology waiting steamy slop sarcous rime cancelled 84762 re sonnet from the port said completed for p dor debby this has an interesting topic but meter is very awkward in places. example first several lines seem like they are straining to fit into pentameter. where one should never have presumed go clumsiest line poem. it's just too wordy or perhaps stresses falling i would either revise break form get job done here. other issue am having with stanza use of changing you'd and then mixing that she ...i do alot work keep ideas straight there. when read it through following its a place people shouldnt you know all dancers avoid thier faces here anonymous again even though fond them maybe me want as uncertain flickering back forth between concept anonymity familiarity if so think could more bring out. right now seems accidental trope. however looked at pitying disdain insistently wrap sash around your head unless made rain. flows well doesnt obviously constricted under witty. really beginning poem issues with. please excuse my terrible spelling by way. thanks chance give feedback--- hasn't been there while without enough guard against face every dancer whom come still thought shower her cash morocco anahid salijah. what monies we tucked their hips elena carla course sabah. dowson given lips oh see cifetelli each helen casus belli. note was night clubs new york city's greek town which fell victim commercially-viable entity many factors ethnic white flight out manhattan lily-white suburbs distrust anything middle eastern after 1972 greed owners who club gambling chip literally. can astoria nyc borough queens ain't same. club's belly-dancers also legendary certain circles salijah athena sabah ... were required leave stage during shows circulate among tables purpose collecting tips split band house - don't remember. these bills typically stuck customers belt dancer's else straps bra. part common dance-routine westerners most familiar slow syncopated ciftetelli belly-dancer's routine skill abdominal muscle control show-cased. http www.google.ca search hl en q portuguese meta 84763 debby - yes you're dead-on re the you one david halitsky and i will address it in revisions. thanks very much for taking time to crit. regards 84764 re since when is the truth anti-semitic barbara silberg hummmm... that's an iffy subject. who's if you masterbate in front of high school girls don't blame them for watching and calling cops. using excuse that 'they should have looked away' doesn't wash even it truth. consistantly write poems paint jews collectively as blood-letting barbarians -- which other venues well then your history any better. walks like a duck etc. rhetoric rhetoric. anti-semitism anti-semitism. period. hi there are thousands novels movies paintings invariably portray europeans villains victims. my two sonnets based on historical fact such not anti-semitic. thank reading. 84765 a goodbye letter to rebel friend ass berries i want write because monologue is monopoly. closest before found myself smoking weed wrapped in dixie flags on five sandy pit-bull acres as the sun and wind set my dandy yankee hauled weighty probabilities presented me union south. unloaded you local 420 proposed would fit citrus county fl. it was ron don't know him who encouraged become steamfitter. jam pipes together calibrate earn book. stay bergen county. buy his vietnamese ak-47. tuesday when met at satin dolls. drank godfather she called sicilian kiss. scotch amaretto southern comfort. gave her hi-five came across bar. kissed me. insulted her. asked if broadway told come back during day. allowed other girls sit lap. grab forty bucks only liked said. here where we part ways. were passing pipe passed your dolls said stabbed there day some old boy's girl drunk flirtin' with he walked by caught pocket knife. i'm going north again. not of flag or harley heroin but heroine. grabbed after didn't like becasue what's mine mine. i've already earned it. 84766 re the green season laurel i could've told him her throat was swollen closed front and back shaped like a mouth embracing screw-top bottle or lips sucking juice from too ripe pear. late afternoon worked best for to rim arm window yardarm armistice with day orange of nails slow tick sins along frame. we anchor ourselves by things seen how night my father would come doctor god taking temperature licked finger forehead concentrated measure essence heat. again he bent steady bow prayer as if were bobbing apples pears enough sink his teeth into. but when coroner asked she drank answered simply yes. fooled around it bit. see what you think. frontloading kinda took all oomph outta poem me so tried tagging on at end. probably won't go hey this is workshop right that's suggestion i've got up sleeve today. smile biggest concern in regards aforementioned coroner. not that poetry necessarily needs be rooted real requires based facts but....would ask question assume trained find know answer wouldn't damage make apparent woman drinker condition liver i'm demanding any world....but can't help wondering about coroner's question. still did enjoy read. reminded son bathing mother. do which one mean 84767 re pyre muchos gracias amigos and amigas laurel for your comments suggestions concerns. zola this poem ain't about vw anymore than the other one was. 84768 re but if it were margalit would be different farouhk wachablahlila no david halitsky what the deferent en shalah to you bro farouncle 84769 re since when is the truth anti-semitic farouhk wachablahlila dear boss- um. no. not cool. oops you know now that i look at my response in lucidity of lunchtime light really don't see what's wrong with it. crux issue mr. hatitsky has somehow managed to intimidated all but esteemed ms. barbara silberg by comments he made earlier on -- as if content protected some workshop right and simply agree. will however try tone down complaints peace be offer deepest jachnoon apogees either stop or email me we can decide whether i'm ask stop. pretty sure not. what whatwhat must rudimentary english. shall solicit help prof. berns your last statement which quite frankly moderation defies logic -h 84770 vw si mon aaaaaaaaawwwwwwkkkkkk. moby dick 84771 re the green season bowen reminded me of that poem about son bathing his mother. do you know which one i mean each bird walking by tess gallagher. 84772 my guess amy i'm going to lucky by tony hoagland. g reminded me of each bird walking tess gallagher. 84773 re you're a loose cannon whether the editors see farouhk wachablahlila i can only deal with this type of post at informal and interpersonal level by telling you to go take flying fuck moon. ah vonnegut lover thank very much for your kind recommendation mr. hatitsky will put it on my do list thanks gain cheerio care break leg regards david halitsky 84774 re a goodbye letter to rebel friend sbern hi pal i always wanted live like that -- now just hope few more years anyway can. loved the poem still do. in fact it's already going be case next month. delighted want write because monologue is monopoly. closest before found myself smoking weed wrapped dixie flags on five sandy pit-bull acres as sun and wind set my dandy yankee ass hauled weighty probabilities presented me union south. unloaded you local 420 proposed would fit citrus county fl. it was ron don't know him who encouraged become steamfitter. jam pipes together calibrate earn book. stay bergen county. buy his vietnamese ak-47. tuesday when met at satin dolls. drank godfather she called sicilian kiss. scotch amaretto southern comfort. gave her hi-five came across bar. kissed me. insulted her. asked if broadway told come back during day. allowed other girls sit lap. grab forty bucks only liked said. here where we part ways. were passing pipe passed your dolls said stabbed there day some old boy's girl drunk flirtin' with he walked by caught pocket knife. i'm north again. not of flag or harley heroin but heroine. grabbed after didn't becasue what's mine mine. i've earned it. 84775 re a goodbye letter to rebel friend annmarie eldon cool v 84776 re spring sbern reading this is an experience not distant from receiving a deep-tongued open-mouth wet karmic kiss heavy with redolence of ear wax and between the teeth sludge when aunt farley came little rock her two cats we only just out junior high school instructed to labyrinths mons veneris by facing pages in gray's anatomy -- could window-peek sadie hopaside's bathroom window. lawrence said about man who died that ferns dripping rain pool's cara- vanserai made think pussy-- yet what did he know it given those days maidens wore corsets without crotches-- peeholes whose rents turned time yellow greeny. every kid fourth-grade knows this. or should ... i like your poem for reason was stimulated write response. say if ill-sequenced making words-- afterall more invented 'uto- pia ' tyndale 'scapegoat ben johnson diary bacon 'placid swift 'yahoo coler- idge 'intensify irving 'all-mighty dollar twain 'gossip column catherm 'stuffed-shirt pound 'alley cat dr. seuss 'nerd' words need inventing take place pass new invents old hat. delighted flatulence skewers landscape rappees where no skank freedom sniffs bankrises marsh year before branches pop river banks nonce leftover moth mouthfuls timing name clouds something televisiony autocratic n' horrible - 'feds' archaically fabricated such as noblesse o'erseiged snatch their response men's trousers scarped dead-heaviness head bothers crotch-smell then howcome scotoma sucking-capable they may suckle settings each macro view remembered present recall what's massed us bronze age bedrock white chalk horses ritually juridical. utilitarian pleachers hazel whipped set droor hygrometrical diamont d e -h angings season-of-gathering-in vanquished vanishing point clocks squat preternaturally menopausal most sunsets still appear repeat foetus past unsure becomes parabolared reborn thus torn tic spawngut parasitic winter uninstall doxology waiting steamy slop sarcous rime cancelled 84777 re spring sbern now-- second reading-- i don't see as many 'new' words did before. you take some out while was pouring a shot of irish whiskey mistrusting my eyes and good sense 84778 re spring annmarie eldon i was just going to write you on that... no most of them are 'real' words really. don't know 'droor' which stole from ginsberg's 'please master' but if it's us slang then have an excuse for not knowing it. e-hangings - a mathematical term did that some spiders build their webs based threads thrown at night soak up the dew and hang according e-hanging formula exact amount stretch tension ability rest web in morning. still see made-up apart obvious joined writing ones let me booze rappee is type snuff... monday best 84779 bingo laurel yeppers. hoagland. thanks amy. i never would've remembered the title or poet on my own. brain's swiss cheese. smile and jenn think your poem reminds me of hoagland's because how unflinching both are specifically triggered hoagland in mind when read lines about husband used his finger to take her temperature. here's lucky if you this life will get help enemy way got mother she was weakened past point saying no. into big enamel tub half-filled with water which had made just right lowered childish skeleton become. eyelids fluttered as soaped rinsed belly chest sorry ruin flanks frayed gray cloud between legs. some nights sitting by bed book open lap while listened air move thickly out dark lungs filled up praise lush music amazed at symmetry luck that would offer chance pay heavy debt punishment love punishment. once held dripping wet uncomfortable wheelchair until begged like a child stop an act cruelty we understood ancient irresistible rejoicing power over weakness. raise spoon pristine frosty ice cream trusting creature mouth old tastebuds least not broken there is bond sweet any language. 84780 re the green season laurel i don't think i've read any of her poetry. she writes fiction too no and was married to carver believe some short stories but not chance you could post poem can't find it online. reminded me each bird walking by tess gallagher. 84781 drawing stars si mon at the macaroni grill paper tablecloth serves as our night pallet. i teach kids my method in broken blue not sky crayon up down over down. soon we have an army filling time until saucy noodles march in. once filled margins of boredom with sloppy stars. teachers taught me nothing. moby woolf virginia dick angle arched angel. had wings faces everything ran blue. or black. color blind they asked what saw pictures. number 23. a bicycle underwater. moon breaking up. trace fingernail along skin your back. it leaves white lines updownoveroverdown that disappear. give ghost names tail hen armpit mighty one. all love. let sleep again. 84784 re a goodbye letter to rebel friend crick i like this great deal as mentioned. but there are parts of it that blatantly degrading women and set up generic categories imo. so find the poem vibrant with energy verve life in . yet falling short by creating heroines rebels other categories. could use good dose irony. what you may consider doing is represent inserted dialogue. who really. presumptious category slightly annoying me without ironic key. cricket want write because monologue monopoly. closest before found myself smoking weed wrapped dixie flags on five sandy pit-bull acres sun wind my dandy yankee ass hauled weighty probabilities presented union south. unloaded local 420 proposed would fit citrus county fl. was ron don't know him encouraged become steamfitter. jam pipes together calibrate earn book. stay bergen county. buy his vietnamese ak-47. tuesday when met at satin dolls. drank godfather she called sicilian kiss. scotch amaretto southern comfort. gave her hi-five came across bar. kissed me. insulted her. asked if broadway told come back during day. allowed girls sit lap. grab forty bucks only liked said. here where we part ways. were passing pipe passed your dolls said stabbed day some old boy's girl drunk flirtin' he walked caught pocket knife. i'm going north again. not flag or harley heroin heroine. grabbed after didn't becasue what's mine mine. i've already earned it. 84785 re black-tie yoly david annmarie barbara- i thank each of you for your commentary contributions and lovely compliments. always consider advice rendered. everything was well received. peace had me until bright with drought. couldn't picture it. know wanted to contrast drought flood but think need rethink this. i'd cut the last stanza's hot as too overdone daring let go middle-age creak urban sirens. it's not up rest i'm afraid. enjoyed this nevertheless. --barbara s. 84787 thanks for the read and comment ly david halitsky astoria i think is still greek at least in parts where so-called nightclubs are. regards 84788 thematically this one's off david halitsky ly - i have no doubt katyn happened and that stalin or his henchfolk ordered it. but if it really was a jewish commisar who ran the show purely finishing touch put on joke by stalin. to see what mean you remember in 1948 before khruschev soviet union voted with us establish israel simply because ben gurion's commitment kibbutzes had su convinced going be socialist state. yuk hindsight. also an indication soviets did things for their own reasons question figured into plans about as much kulaks of whom murdered 11 million. so again think one is not believable poems nature must be. first your pieces topic which found pass litmus test believability. told me poem written experiment social psychology would say ok they used call exhortatory misreads even guy jewish. oh yes cannot resort notion hands communistic jews trotsky mexico doctor's plot just around corner when happened. regard my great-uncle samuel katznelson died at 107 knew he bank-robber georgia uncle sam lying how from personal experience himself deep anti-semite phobically so. respect 84789 re higher order capacity for smudge-qualia annmarie eldon thank you. glad you enjoyed appreciated. i wish wouldn't keep changing your id though... best 84790 re higher order capacity for smudge-qualia annmarie eldon peace back thanks the read 84791 re higher order capacity for smudge-qualia annmarie eldon thank you. 84792 re what an incredible waste of obvious talent annmarie eldon actually from the few visits i've made to pentecostalist churches in nashville tn and huntsville al areas us i can tell you that speaking tongues also sounds really good at times. well have geographic advantage there. they kept on talking about merchandise - but only purpose their hands might touch over hankerchiefs faces lips move close together as though by chance a moment's meeting limb against cavafy suspect your 'headline' banners we would call them 'tabloid headlines' uk may require some other sort perhaps block is not able provide for you. thanks efforts. 84793 re higher order capacity for smudge-qualia annmarie eldon thanks your read of this. 84794 re drawing stars annmarie eldon i know how to do this too so suggest you vary the line length on white space i'm banging about that again make it look like you're drawing. sure if examine lines there's natural breaks. eg at macaroni grill paper tablecloth serves as our night pallet. teach kids my method in broken blue not sky crayon up down over down. soon we have an army filling time until saucy noodles march in. etc best 84796 re drawing stars young si mon oh i so love this and was not happy when the you came drew me out of it. why sigh know used to be sit with in bed at night pictures on ceiling a flashlight other transient things like that only we knew about. having much fun reminiscing about all those changed depending time or what filter placed over image then sudden s3 it's you. maybe could least let is dang important third receive second our own kids are thirds first i'm crossing writing her commands end doodling margins. sincerely macaroni grill paper tablecloth serves as pallet. teach my method broken blue sky crayon up down down. soon have an army filling until saucy noodles march in. once filled margins boredom sloppy stars. teachers taught nothing. moby woolf virginia dick angle arched angel. had wings faces everything ran blue. black. color blind they asked saw pictures. number 23. bicycle underwater. moon breaking up. trace fingernail along skin your back. it leaves white lines updownoveroverdown disappear. give ghost names tail hen armpit mighty one. love. sleep again. 84797 laryngitis david ayers it s hoarse scratchy and raspy hard to talk about painful makes a face scowl wince finger point impossible scream got be whispered slow bit at time you understand where coming from reminds of shaving cutting your how drank smoke when the house caught on fire because forgot get down way out door like bad latch or red hinge just can t say name 84798 cutting scraping david halitsky other than that very finely drawn imo. except maybe painful early on i have mixed feelings taken physically it states rather implies and also hammers a nail already driven. but most people say hurts talking about physical pain it's only when in the emotive sphere so from point of view is not redundant amplificatory. dunno honestly. regards 84799 having been called the elmer gantry of syntax david halitsky it doesn't bother me to be rupert murdoch block or poetics in general. but wait a sec - he was an import from empire wasn't all seriousness i do think your piece shows vast talent it's like jo ma when plays with harry connick someone that. you will never convince that cole porter and js bach are equal entities different spheres. best regards 84800 re the green season bowen i know that she has published a book of short stories lover horses think . she's known mostly for being carver's widow b her poetry which is shame because first-rate poet. sometimes maligned by fiction buddies taking too much credit his later work. here's poem. there's lot controversy over line breaks but defends them to this day. each bird walking not while long after he had told me thought him washing mother bending bed and back covers. was basin water dipped washrag in out rag dripping little onto sheet as turned from bedside nightstand there no place on body shouldn't touch helped moving could lifting so wipe under arms dipping motion hollow. then working up feet ankles knees. last opening thighs running firmly with cleansing through crotch between lips v thin hairs-- though were who excuse cleaning love indifference secret part child graze sleepy sexlessness its waiting find what do sake only can itself. hand softly at birth-light. eyes deepened closed dim room. death important another way. alone or making carried white spires trembling until spirit breath we shaken us. small word holy stomach washed blades shoulders back. that's good said enough. our morning tart juice motehrs strong rememberance asking giving you end loving hurt closer one made look see left us sex taken away. tell something can't forget. story your when finished don't i've read any poetry. writes married carver believe some chance post poem it online. laurel 84801 re spring gingerivers and reading both of these makes me wonder why i read what poses as poetry at all from either you. a little icu is in order. try this link rather than your usual doses cronyism self serving posts. http www.everypoet.org pffa forumdisplay.php f 6 an experience not distant receiving deep-tongued open-mouth wet karmic kiss heavy with redolence ear wax between the teeth sludge when aunt farley came rock her two cats we only just out junior high school instructed to labyrinths mons veneris by facing pages gray's anatomy -- could window-peek sadie hopaside's bathroom window. lawrence said about man who died that ferns dripping rain pool's cara- vanserai made think pussy-- yet did he know it given those days maidens wore corsets without crotches-- peeholes whose rents turned time yellow greeny. every kid fourth-grade knows this. or should ... like poem for reason was stimulated write response. say if ill-sequenced making words-- afterall more invented 'uto- pia ' tyndale 'scapegoat ben johnson diary bacon 'placid swift 'yahoo coler- idge 'intensify irving 'all-mighty dollar twain 'gossip column catherm 'stuffed-shirt pound 'alley cat dr. seuss 'nerd' words need inventing take place pass new invents old hat. delighted sbern 84802 a poem crick afterwords don't mind the peeling wax on walls it's not rembrandt or rimbaud. something like candle in museum st joseph's oratory where there are crutches nailed to wall. brother andre healed montreal. i payed for prayer my dying father. i'm black piper covered soot. dialects shift yarn lahore it was acrylic mother wanted wool off lamb's back lamb soaked and crooked through south india globe trotter 5th avenue space moving is heart moved atrium packed agoraphobic crowds move out. memory trifoliate ventricle clutter ivy climbs wall room with view once thought verdant now always an audition day before invades growth incremental if at all noticeable gable this imagined sounds still fall ahdamn already said adam emerged from eve's ribcage-- narrative did tell you yield orange light when became bat that were baroque those moat beats another language what our meaning gleaned auditory gestures unearth body transcribing. one hand would type someone pulses of thinking who neither looks forward nor back. monk have mercy upon me sinner. plane looked pakistan. father way cobwebs time such harmony this. moslems hindus lived peace. by river piedro sat down cluttered garments sing lullaby could lull leave again am asking 1947 becomes en swooned how know nerve say--to even ask. here peeling. search past rubble footsteps everywhere must find falls arrive page form be imagined. does mean say knife cut two worlds will these words because butcher blood me. sprouts space. banyan tree shrouded flags red kalandari cannot pray want fa r ther. shards their own organs multitasking. foreign blank atrium. alienate latinate word brings fair tidings. stepped on. we switched bodies. taming jinns fire. add up. so which defoliate mistake son holy gust wind. unless wind dr bowan after anostomosis -i saw white he told well but really need pinch loaf bread. degrading import here. contruction zone. turning lingering i'd rather entertain see sounding different voice-zones foliate leaf. jasmine held palm anthony squeezed. why blame peristalsis lack saint francis taught nuns indian janitor whose cleaning presently none. nonetheless should grateful least heaven go earth. opens book says baked bread good. toward pani rouge. water red. sea. that's new when. partition delhi has greatly forgotten she born india. father's door remains hinge. open we're coming back...there sound begin today land unknown peacefully 84803 re laryngitis hannah david- aha i feel good because don t like this poem very much so won appear to just be fawning on every word you write. bit ll buy wholesale and happy with it reminds of shaving cutting your face how drank smoke when the house caught fire forgot get down way out door a bad latch or red hinge but rest reminded me rather horse-is-a-horse-of-course-of-course. know. something. fact that antecedent seems vary somewhat problematic. choices in top half also less than appealing. s scratchy raspy. itchy show painful mean. is joke bullet through shoulder. continuum vast unexplored. last line largely unearned point naming being named calling one self if not irrelevant as stands surely well-developed. i'm sure it's competent writing--i don't think i've seen something from wasn't doesn't float my boat. forget this. intend use defend right regularly nit-less after reading yours. love -h 84804 re drawing stars hannah simon- i vote we give you a gold star for plodding away in here against all odds. m surely happy to see patiently posting quality work. not much the mood wax on and ll be glad hear. like this. at macaroni grill paper tablecloth serves as our night pallet. teach kids my method broken blue sky crayon up down over down. soon have an army filling time until saucy noodles march in. once filled margins of boredom with sloppy stars. teachers taught me nothing. moby woolf virginia dick angle arched angel. had wings faces everything ran blue. or black. color blind they asked what saw pictures. number 23. bicycle underwater. moon breaking up. trace fingernail along skin your back. it leaves white lines updownoveroverdown that disappear. ghost names tail hen armpit mighty one. love. let never sleep again. now sure must muster some defense last insertion so wholly changing direction poem. can defend except explain felt poem hinged image time. this is young student did well killed answered stupid questions waited. strophe when comes about different sort being love brief given accentuated indeed by lovely naming those flashes light many light-years removed from births deaths objects themselves . suggests worthwhile pursuit has been found narrator willing lie there doodling touching forth she sleeps. anyway kill later if like. s how got there. thanks opportunity always read respond. -h 84805 re the green season barbara silberg i'd like to see more white space inserted and first pear changed a lime bring in color green. other than that enjoyed. --barbara s. coroner asked if she drank her throat swollen closing front back embracing shape perhaps of mouth around screw-top bottle or lips sucking juice from too ripe pear. i could have told him late afternoon worked best for rim arm window yardarm armistice with day orange nails slow tick sins along frame. we anchor ourselves by things seen how night my father would come doctor god taking temperature licked finger forehead concentrated measure essence heat. again he bent steady bow prayer as were bobbing apples pears enough sink his teeth into. 84806 a kaleidoscope is only toy at christmas jables against the sky anything can be invented. my mother trundled me in orchard made aim tube air twist dial until i was borne into something striped like ribbon. above grove halved apples or hearts of lemon spinning wheel wedged broke and returned. that night moon another marooned sky. held fingers apart sliced four vs. when opened hand an o. 84807 re drawing stars farouhk wachablahlila at the macaroni grill paper tablecloth serves as our night pallet. i teach kids my method in broken blue not sky crayon up down over down. soon we have an army filling time until saucy noodles march in. once filled margins of boredom with sloppy stars. teachers taught me nothing. moby woolf virginia dick angle arched angel. had wings faces everything ran blue. or black. color blind they asked what saw pictures. number 23. a bicycle underwater. moon breaking up. trace fingernail along skin your back. it leaves white lines updownoveroverdown that disappear. give ghost names tail hen armpit mighty one. all love. let sleep again. losing crits quick testing 84808 re drawing stars barbara silberg wow loved this as is except i think you need more white space so can have room to draw those stars. well all your ghost star's names. pulled me out at precisely the wrong time. they just aren't romantic kiddo. --barbara s. macaroni grill paper tablecloth serves our night pallet. teach kids my method in broken blue not sky crayon up down over down. soon we an army filling time until saucy noodles march in. once filled margins of boredom with sloppy teachers taught nothing. moby woolf virginia dick angle arched angel. had wings faces everything ran blue. or black. color blind asked what saw pictures. number 23. a bicycle underwater. moon breaking up. trace fingernail along skin back. it leaves lines updownoveroverdown that disappear. give names tail hen armpit mighty one. love. let sleep again. 84809 re drawing stars farouhk wachablahlila sorry i posted a crit and it's gone again very much enjoyed your pome -- quite beautiful i'd end it on 'love' one invocation is enough sinks in splendidly thanks f 84810 re a kaleidoscope is only toy at christmas barbara silberg lovely. but i'd take out one of the chrismas's and change verb made in 3rd line. sounds too forced you'll excuse pun. i'm not sure i like your marooned since it an unlikely color for moon. wobbling on that. --barbara s. against sky anything can be invented. my mother trundled me orchard aim tube air twist dial until was borne into something striped ribbon. above grove halved apples or hearts lemon spinning wheel wedged broke returned. that night moon another sky. held fingers apart sliced four vs. when opened hand o. 84811 re a poem farouhk wachablahlila afterwords don't mind the peeling wax on walls it's not rembrandt or rimbaud. something like candle in museum st joseph's oratory where there are crutches nailed to wall. brother andre healed montreal. i payed for prayer my dying father. i'm black piper covered soot. dialects shift yarn lahore it was acrylic mother wanted wool off lamb's back lamb soaked and crooked through south india globe trotter 5th avenue space moving is heart moved atrium packed agoraphobic crowds move out. memory trifoliate ventricle clutter ivy climbs wall room with view once thought verdant now always an audition day before invades growth incremental if at all noticeable gable this imagined sounds still fall ahdamn already said adam emerged from eve's ribcage-- narrative did tell you yield orange light when became bat that were baroque those moat beats another language what our meaning gleaned auditory gestures unearth body transcribing. one hand would type someone pulses of thinking who neither looks forward nor back. monk have mercy upon me sinner. plane looked pakistan. father way cobwebs time such harmony this. moslems hindus lived peace. by river piedro sat down cluttered garments sing lullaby could lull leave again am asking 1947 becomes en swooned how know nerve say--to even ask. here peeling. search past rubble footsteps everywhere must find falls arrive page form be imagined. does mean say knife cut two worlds will these words because butcher blood me. sprouts space. banyan tree shrouded flags red kalandari cannot pray want fa r ther. shards their own organs multitasking. foreign blank atrium. alienate latinate word brings fair tidings. stepped on. we switched bodies. taming jinns fire. add up. so which defoliate mistake son holy gust wind. unless wind dr bowan after anostomosis -i saw white he told well but really need pinch loaf bread. degrading import here. contruction zone. turning lingering i'd rather entertain see sounding different voice-zones foliate leaf. jasmine held palm anthony squeezed. why blame peristalsis lack saint francis taught nuns indian janitor whose cleaning presently none. nonetheless should grateful least heaven go earth. opens book says baked bread good. toward pani rouge. water red. sea. that's new when. partition delhi has greatly forgotten she born india. father's door remains hinge. open we're coming back...there sound begin today land unknown peacefully wow lot going think works yes quavered big though thanks f 84813 revision cricket if i knew how to use space here would. i'll have do some research. afterwords don't mind the peeling on walls it's not rembrandt or rimbaud. something like candle wax in rom st joseph's oratory where there are crutches nailed wall. brother andre healed montreal. bought a votive for prayer appease my father's restless spirit and own that matter i'm sort of black piper covered soot. didn't work so tried another languish. dialects shift yarn lahore it was acrylic mother wanted wool off lamb's back lamb soaked with crooked spine south india globe trotter 5th avenue moving is heart moved. atrium packed agoraphobic crowds move out memory trifoliate self ribcage perhaps. ventricle clutter ivy climbs wall room view once thought verdant now always an audition day before sonic invasion growth incremental at all noticeable gable this imagined sounds still fall ahdamn never told you went private school hid from choir practice shower when mr nightingale walked through torch light his rubble soles pivoted ceramic. instead swung rope over lake ontario by ww2 trench. that's they trained cadets muskets. skipped being avid swinger learned put dry ice baseball caps leaders toilet. things we tell invade us aquire ears our eyes. already said adam emerged eve's ribcage-- narrative did yield orange became bat were baroque those moat beats language what meaning gleaned auditory gestures unearth body transcribing. one hand would type someone pulses thinking who neither looks forward nor back. monk dovercourt street. mercy upon me sinner. read philokalia gazed adoringly picture blessed mary. plane looked pakistan. father way cobwebs time such harmony this. moslems hindus lived peace. river piedro sat down cluttered garments sing lullaby could lull leave again am asking 1947 becomes en swooned know nerve even ask. search past broken spinning wheels footsteps everywhere must find falls arrive page form be imagined. august 47 does mean say knife cut two worlds will these words because butcher blood sprouts space. banyan tree shrouded flags red kalandari cannot pray want you. me. shards their organs multitasking. foreign blank atrium. alienate latinate word brings fair tidings. stepped on. switched bodies. taming jinns fire. doesn't add up. which defoliate mistake son holy gust wind. unless wind dr bowan asked about after anastomosis propeled into really need pinch loaf bread. degrading import here. contruction zone. turning lingering but i'd rather entertain see sounding different voice-zones dream siraket foliate leaf. jasmine held palm anthony he squeezed. why blame peristalsis lack thereof saint francis taught nuns indian janitor whose cleaning presently none. nonetheless should grateful least heaven go earth. opens book says baked chapati. roti forget. chapati cooked clay oven. ovens brothers burned alive. bread good. toward pani rouge. water red. sea. new when. partition delhi has greatly forgotten she born india. door remains hinge. open we're coming back... sound begin today land unknown peacefully 84814 re a kaleidoscope is only toy at christmas ryan very nice - lucy-in-the-sky-with-diamonds-nice just an idea against the sky anything can be invented. my mother trundled me in orchard made aim tube air twist dial until i was borne into something striped like ribbon. above grove sky's halved apples or lemonhearts spinning wheel wedges returns night moon another marooned sky. held fingers apart sliced four vs. when opening hand o. 84815 re a poem cricket thanks farorq. ha. you're funny. what's your real name me too three you know those sounds of birds whistling in cartoons after accident they whizz above the characters head i just played squash and that's how feel blooded to wonderfully giddy. for commenting. wow lot going on think it works yes atrium well quavered big time peristalsis though f 84817 re spring cricket ha ha. poetry wars. gotta love them. you work differently ginger rivers. guys are obsessed with metaphorical language over at wherever live. can't poets simply accept that people conceptualize in different ways no wonder there's so many schisms the humanities and maybe its time to collaborate. why not start a discussion natter write short paragraph or two on metaphor etc. i'd be interested know your conception of poetry. 84819 re drawing stars yoly si mon- this is wonderfully vivid and romantic lovely i just love it at the macaroni grill paper tablecloth serves as our night pallet. teach kids my method in broken blue not sky crayon up down over down. soon we have an army filling time until saucy noodles march in. once filled margins of boredom with sloppy stars. teachers taught me nothing. moby woolf virginia dick angle arched angel. had wings faces everything ran blue. or black. color blind they asked what saw pictures. number 23. a bicycle underwater. moon breaking up. trace fingernail along skin your back. leaves white lines updownoveroverdown that disappear. give ghost names tail hen armpit mighty one. all love. let sleep again. 84821 re a poem farouhk wachablahlila thanks farorq. ha. you're funny. not really what's your real name tell me yours first too three you know those sounds of birds whistling in cartoons after accident yes they whizz above the characters head i just played squash and that's how feel blooded to wonderfully giddy. quick reflexes then eh regards farina 84822 re laryngitis edvard fatima-saiid it s hoarse scratchy and raspy hard to talk about painful makes a face scowl wince finger point impossible scream got be whispered slow bit at time you understand where coming from reminds of shaving cutting your how drank smoke when the house caught on fire because forgot get down way out door like bad latch or red hinge just can t say name is there something had here cause i simply don't thank anyway 84823 infantile upside-down cake a word poem david halitsky tractor-trailer sleepy driver safe saab sunroof open oh well cook another 84824 re infantile upside-down cake a word poem ryan the sonics are cool - rolls off tongue interesting-like 84825 re infantile upside-down cake a word poem ryan reminds me of the lady that had semi fall on her car not sure what specific event you have in mind - but seems like lie. nice work 84826 if you believe that not saying is david halitsky lying just as bad what true then all speech-acts are lies. no regards 84827 bath scene ryan a the smell of olive. it happens in interest soaking away your reverie underneath swarthy flutter if at last you want to vanish under ghost- ly va- le abandon her encounter. burnt ochre worse than saddened countenance -- artifact frequent exchange memory s swiggling scare off vines that tangle trussed hair. horseradish. black milkbog undamning bitter river's solidarity sound ghostflutter. 84828 question on ly va- le david halitsky ryan - when i read this kept saying to myself what's a valle why did he choose misspell the word 'valley' and then realized you had typed vale was seeing valley for two reasons hyphenated so looking two-syllable not one-syllable like 'vale' b there 'ly' in but it at beginning of end. that neat whether intended or not. serendipity always plays role good poetic devices. btw wouldn't be spending much time fragment if didn't think piece as whole its job effectively. regards 84829 re question on ly va- le ryan under the ghost- abandon her ----- thanks mr h. for your comments - much appreciated not sure i have an answer to anything mostly try write what looks sounds right my ear eye some times get lucky and someone else enjoys like that. poem was about a photo found in awsome photography journal it of man b w his head hand with caption he hid face behind camera thinking god how will we ever this next week gone facing depression miles away. -juli leonard 84830 last line david halitsky j - i know you want the sound of as written but opened is just too dang unclear after precision fingers 4-v image. my ear head hears cognizes something like that night moon was another wheel marooned in sky. held apart sliced into four vs. then palmed an o. 84831 by the river piedro david halitsky don't we have enough pompous allusionists around here already seriously if you'd like me to i'll edit this with you. i think it's worth it. whether you it or not and whatever of ep one is planted firmly in his tradition. know that offer sounds as hell but actually i'm a much better editor than am writer take editing very vocation couldn't afford pursue. my email dhalitsky cumulativeinquiry.com you're interested. regards 84833 beal na mblath ctg christopher t george there seems to be a malignant fate dogging the fortunes of ireland for at every critical period in her story man whom country trusts is taken from her. michael collins 1922 gray stone cross on lonely road snow and sleet my face this valley known english as mouth flowers place assassination big fella laughing boy. sheep bleat fields come running i stare cross. fence black iron surrounds monument like mystery that your death. who killed you with single bullet head rode staff car through death an assassin green hillside here irregular or one own men t. 84834 a kaleidoscope is only good at christmas rev jables against the sky anything can be invented. my mother trundled me in orchard made aim pipe air twist dial until i was borne into something striped like ribbon. above grove spinning halved apples or hearts of lemon. when twisted back too fast it cracked wheel wedged and returned blue tube light. that night moon another marooned sky. held fingers apart sliced four vs. opened hand an o new way _____to say hello. 84835 re bath scene jables hmm. i'm not sure but for some reason this just doesn't work me. i've read it several times and i can't figure out what dislike about it. the begins at your because think expects something from me that poem hasn't delivered yet. does make sense it's like automatically assumes going to identify with don't. hope makes sense. sorry couldn't be more helpful. a smell of olive. happens in interest soaking away reverie underneath swarthy flutter if last you want vanish under ghost- ly va- le abandon her encounter. burnt ochre worse than saddened countenance -- artifact frequent exchange memory s swiggling scare off vines tangle trussed hair. horseradish. black milkbog undamning bitter river's solidarity sound ghostflutter. 84836 re if you believe that not saying is the editor dear david your posts are becoming excessive on both boards. please curtail them by several percent. much appreciated. best 84837 wonder unceasing geoff . a little brown man enters the train holds bag in handles of string. on is inscribed big black letters leone 84838 re bath scene ryan that is helpful i wouldnt have posted it if felt was not needing of an opinion or two appreciate your time - perhaps will play around with and find something more identifiable for the reader 84839 re wonder unceasing ryan just wondering if there is in fact a comma the printed words on bag little brown not sure its needed - as it seems one instance where grammatically correct language feels incorrect. thanks for sharing i like contrast of big maybe title your piece poem . man enters train holds handles string. inscribed black letters geoff leone 84840 re wonder unceasing christopher t george just wondering if there is in fact a comma the printed words on bag little brown not sure its needed - as it seems one instance where grammatically correct language feels incorrect. thanks for sharing i like contrast of big maybe title your piece poem publisher's name with so should think geoff has formatted correctly 84842 re wonder unceasing amy i was picturing the bloomingdale's little brown bag which as ryan mentions has no commas and something in me wants this visual alluded to th poem somewhere. g publisher's name is with a comma so should think geoff formatted it correctly 84843 re wonder unceasing christopher t george i was picturing the bloomingdale's little brown bag which as ryan mentions has no commas and something in me wants this visual alluded to th poem somewhere. g amy yes it looks like you have right. see link. 84844 re the green season jenn thanks you. and yes poem needs a new title. not always easiest thing for me. 84845 re the green season jenn hi hannah thanks so much for taking time to comment. you brought up a few issues that have been niggling at me and i appreciate it. as well i'll look idea of pears again. hadn't even occured me. always you've given think about. congrats on pubbed poem. nice nice. jenn- good return board after prolonged break see work like this top page. really haven't any nits. thought tone was precise dark undercarriage poem carried off by bright imagery careful pacing. query spots 1. embracing shape perhaps wonder if either need comma before or removal word entire. will mess some sonic stress things in line certainly but can adjust those enough. 2. i'm not sure pear thing works twice. both lines are strong--but they against one another rather than into. she sucks from too-ripe he bobs just-ripe especially when title is ...either there's enough done remaining structure lend weight metaphor...or...too it becomes overkill final line. 3. how late night just want at. 4. concentrated measure essence heat strikes somewhat failed might collusion with stronger around overall...a phrase isn't pulling its weight. overall work. enjoyed -hannah 84846 re by the river piedro asher dear david thanks for reading...i'm sort of sad that you can't reduce your posts. one should be allowed to say whatever they want. i haven't read all posts so have no idea wat al you're up but still respect opinions as a formalist or watever. such an opinion viewpoint adds whole new dimension this board. now in terms just cut them down 50 ...that's democratic allow other voices represented. if kick off after do then i'm outta here. reasons why began come back is because raised important questions at points questioned authority certain poets critiquing actual poems....and even didn't agree with aesthetic assuredly agreed places broken purged their hierarchal structures--structures which me longer reflected value poem poet internet figure etc. did and tried replace it own silly authority. what end though preach true word on dude stick around. like you. people probably couldn't care less about huge ego make expansive ego. egos are healthy. choose reduced every right post unless we becoming communists here . these my said came were putting structures into question. poetry doing. half time being honest that. try stretch viewpoint. some criticism. see more could be. best regards cricket et al. don't enough pompous allusionists around already seriously you'd i'll edit think it's worth it. whether not ep planted firmly his tradition. know offer sounds hell actually much better editor than am writer take editing very vocation afford pursue. email dhalitsky cumulativeinquiry.com interested. halitsky 84847 re the green season jenn hi laurel thanks so much for stopping by with your thoughts. and yes that is what workshops are for. interesting questions you've raised on idea of poems being rooted in reality or not. i'm agreement they don't need to be not necessarily adhere 'truth' something especially if staying strictly truth a matter it detrimental poem. i can tell you though coroner does ask question like that. no wasn't familiar were mentioned tho gallagher's rings bell as read am glad them. other work these poets yes. poem kidnapper was first struck me deeply when began writing. just tried find online but go afraid. again laurel. always appreciate eye. 84848 re the green season jenn interesting thoughts barbara. i hadn't even considered a lime. i'll be thinking about that. thanks for stopping by with your thoughts. appreciate it. i'd like to see more white space inserted and first pear changed lime bring in color green. other than that enjoyed. --barbara s. 84849 re confessional pretentious or both jenn david you are of course entitled to your opinion as i am mine. and normally would thank for it even if hated the poem because did take time stop by. but see stopped reading posts a while back. kept picturing man on his knees licking dirty floor then spewing all back at people. so don t read david. won't you. usually say that is our detriment in this case think not. i'm not sure what be thanking for. since headline here seems me rhetorical best can't answer either. wasting responding any manner. treatment people vile want nothing do with anyone who hides behind cyber curtain order act abominably. 84850 re wonder unceasing geoff re. see everyone knows now there may be a poem in it most things . yeah but isn't the trick to before it's written down not after just brazen gigolo p.s. if you wee brown man thursday and manage hold him for all his squealing sputtering he will give pot of surprise wonders little enters train holds bag handles string. on is inscribed big black letters leone 84851 re bath scene geoff a for ryan it is not true i repeat that this piece as satisfying written backwards forwards but say it's close darned close. which leads me to think got writ the hard way -- first. cheers smell of olive. happens in interest soaking away your reverie underneath swarthy flutter if at last you want vanish under ghost- ly va- le abandon her encounter. burnt ochre worse than saddened countenance artifact frequent exchange memory s swiggling scare off vines tangle trussed hair. horseradish. black milkbog undamning bitter river's solidarity sound ghostflutter. 84852 re laryngitis geoff re. for david ayers. the second part has all goodies images and similes a certain clarity. first resembles dull warm up second. recommend taking it saving few details to decorate then perhaps have long hard look at result. may result in bully piece supplemented by new material if you haven't already best s hoarse scratchy raspy talk about painful makes face scowl wince finger point impossible scream got be whispered slow bit time understand where coming from reminds of shaving cutting your how drank smoke when house caught on fire because forgot get down way out door like bad latch or red hinge just can t say name 84853 re bath scene ryan thx for reading - i just may turn this on its head smile think started in the middle no real linear creative effort at all actually you are right originally had smell of olives end as an which moved to beginning but tend create them chuncks dont have ever really wrote one from first word last maybe it shows a is not true repeat that piece satisfying written backwards forwards say it's close darned close. leads me got writ hard way -- first. cheers geoff 84854 re beal na mblath ctg ryan thx for sharing just some ideas ------------------- the gray stone cross on lonely road snow and sleet in my face this valley known english as mouth of flowers place assassination big fella laughing boy. sheep bleat fields come running i stare at cross. a fence black iron surrounds monument like myster ious y that your death. who killed you with single bullet to head rode staff car through death an assassin green hillside here irregular or one own men 84855 re bath scene yoly hiya ryan- i really like this one. it starts out wonderfully and ends just the same. love when that happens yay a smell of olive. in interest soaking away your reverie underneath swarthy flutter if at last you want to vanish under ghost- ly va- le abandon her encounter. burnt ochre worse than saddened countenance -- artifact frequent exchange memory s swiggling scare off vines tangle trussed hair. horseradish. black milkbog undamning bitter river's solidarity sound ghostflutter. 84856 re wonder unceasing yoly i too was thought shopping spree at bloomies. but with a little bag impos sible. . brown man enters the train holds in handles of string. on is inscribed big black letters geoff leone 84857 re beal na mblath ctg christopher t george thanks for your suggestions ryan. chris thx sharing just some ideas ------------------- the gray stone cross on lonely road snow and sleet in my face this valley known english as mouth of flowers place assassination big fella laughing boy. sheep bleat fields come running i stare at cross. a fence black iron surrounds monument like myster ious y that death. who killed you with single bullet to head rode staff car through death an assassin green hillside here irregular or one own men 84858 re bath scene ryan thanks big-ears i'm blushing 84859 re bath scene yoly hey now. my ears are not big. the bio says so. i'm blushing 84860 poundcake ff lying just as bad saying what is not true then all speech-acts are lies. no regards david halitsky in addition to ashcrick was response your last post on his piece i might add that particularly like about you how spew out old rudimentary shit '. . speech acts lies' and make it sound so new vibrant-- simply marvelous farouhk 84862 black-tie yoly rev that night wanted to be this poem. it took shape slowly rising sunrise. against black required grain i wore a white knit-dress sling-backs hair bohemian loose with natural waves glamour on the eyes and kiss of lip-gloss. greeted behaved drank green martinis. he was wall-street skyscraper pair blue lights glowing softly holding glass ice-water. his height stretched my heart steel drew vanity from stars. broke into circle parking-lights introduced self. didn t mix deadweight italic fantasy s clarity. how does one dream so straight narrow led me through bright barren corridors. flood gaps widening pitfall lost loves. then hand voltage charged undergrounds passion flight up. urban siren shook middle-age doll-house. 84863 re beal na mblath ctg m couen'it be a barmey craushair ye stymied boostor as in synas ur jimmied dancer i roost me cuse. there seems to malignant fate dogging the fortunes of ireland for at every critical period her story man whom country trusts is taken from her. michael collins 1922 gray stone cross on lonely road snow and sleet my face this valley known english mouth flowers place assassination big fella laughing boy. sheep bleat fields come running stare cross. fence black iron surrounds monument like mystery that your death. who killed you with single bullet head rode staff car through death an assassin green hillside here irregular or one own men christopher t. george 84864 re black-tie slosh how about haveing a kiss-off lip-gloss kinda adds to that line just waht you were after 84865 re a kaleidoscope is only good at christmas rev slosh i like the concept but it very telling against sky anything can be invented. my mother trundled me in orchard made aim pipe air twist dial until was borne into something striped ribbon. above grove spinning halved apples or hearts of lemon. when twisted back too fast cracked wheel wedged and returned blue tube light. that night moon another marooned sky. held fingers apart sliced four vs. opened hand an o new way _____to say hello. 84866 one instance of reconiling duality on the page fletcher lynd perkoff i came here to grow. learn how critique. lead. perfection. right now see you all know who i'm talking about as gods. and in another moment fellow seagulls. love where is my community beneath red schield frankfurt blood libel still smacks unwilling scabbed puckered lips lustingly at base christian cock called cathedral. or head dom e . prague cockroaches come daddies monster gown advocacy no rhetoric charitably frames lingering empty scrotum. do hear our painless memories neither i. space issues limits rifts. time coitus with mnemosyne. child andrew sinusoidally scribbles atretic stenotic dead ore alive. a tricuspid gable. crooked venous horseshoe failing its design wordlessly he screams daddy have palettes twos try it buy deny. margins ghetto center ambassador blue. blue like swollen penis head. waves menstruating vagina. verve. new dic- tion. deal except austerity. last thing ago were china chop accidentally spilled me mum vase upon her top fortunate fall breasts that made stop bloody weedy crys did flop. 84867 re one instance of reconiling duality on the page ryan i want to come back and comment more but first ago a child were in china chop accidentally spilled me mum vase upon her top fortunate fall it breasts that made stop bloody blue my weedy crys as red head did flop. is excellent 84869 re laryngitis christopher t george it s hoarse scratchy and raspy hard to talk about painful makes a face scowl wince finger point impossible scream got be whispered slow bit at time you understand where coming from reminds of shaving cutting your how drank smoke when the house caught on fire because forgot get down way out door like bad latch or red hinge just can say name hi david i agree with hannah that what comes before asterisk is forgettable unexceptional. poem appears in latter part which interesting arresting fine end line. so much depends hinge. . - all my best chris 84870 re drawing stars si mon thanks am i have been playing more with spacing and lines etc. -- but too lazy to do it when posting here much easier in word. for the help know how this so suggest you vary line length on white space i'm banging about that again make look like you're drawing. sure if examine there's natural breaks. eg at macaroni grill paper tablecloth serves as our night pallet. teach kids my method broken blue not sky crayon up down over down. soon we an army filling time until saucy noodles march in. etc best annmarie 84871 re drawing stars si mon stop playing and go to sleep -- oh i so love this was not happy when the you came drew me out of it. why sigh know used be sit with in bed at night pictures on ceiling a flashlight other transient things like that only we knew about. having much fun reminiscing about all those changed depending time or what filter placed over image then sudden s3 it's you. maybe could least let is dang important third receive second our own kids are thirds first i'm crossing writing her commands end doodling margins. sincerely young 84872 re drawing stars si mon hey hannananananananan -- i took most of your suggestions and revised posted it somewhere reaction was mixed. hang in here cause have nothing else to do cept work family stuff for years spent trying find my voice everyone said you need own poetry then when found lose it... now am spending figure out what at least i'm having fun thanks simon- vote we give a gold star plodding away against all odds. m surely happy see patiently posting quality work. not much the mood wax on ll be glad hear. like this. macaroni grill paper tablecloth serves as our night pallet. teach kids method broken blue sky crayon up down over down. soon an army filling time until saucy noodles march in. once filled margins boredom with sloppy stars. teachers taught me nothing. moby woolf virginia dick angle arched angel. had wings faces everything ran blue. or black. color blind they asked saw pictures. number 23. bicycle underwater. moon breaking up. trace fingernail along skin back. leaves white lines updownoveroverdown that disappear. ghost names tail hen armpit mighty one. love. let never sleep again. sure must muster some defense last insertion so wholly changing direction poem. can defend except explain felt poem hinged image time. this is young student did well killed answered stupid questions waited. strophe comes about different sort being love brief given accentuated indeed by lovely naming those flashes light many light-years removed from births deaths objects themselves . suggests worthwhile pursuit has been narrator willing lie there doodling touching forth she sleeps. anyway kill later if like. s how got there. opportunity always read respond. -h 84873 re drawing stars si mon thanks -- sorry you lost your crit i think all poems could end on love or something like it si. posted a and it's gone again very much enjoyed pome quite beautiful i'd 'love' one invocation is enough sinks in splendidly f 84874 re drawing stars si mon thanks barbara -- more white space indeed. i will give it a go. the star names not romantic bright red in shoulder region of constellation orion hunter is called betelgeuse which comes from arabic and means roughly armpit mighty one brightest cygnus swan deneb also origin tail hen . wow loved this as except think you need so can have room to draw those stars. well all your ghost star's names. pulled me out at precisely wrong time. they just aren't kiddo. --barbara s. 84875 re drawing stars si mon thanks yoly -- happy to hear you enjoyed this one si. mon- is wonderfully vivid and romantic lovely i just love it 84876 congrats ash bowen the block -- 3rd in 3 05 ibpc christopher t george hi all-- look what we have here. congratulations -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- awards for march 2005 first place that i was here m desert moon review second handless woman lynn sweeting moontown cafe third widowed writer's 84877 re appaloosas christopher t george whistle across the canyon and i will hear you among my horses. they answer come to thirsty. let them drink from your ocean of grief. feel their ribs. hungry mean so ride starved. in barn have hidden salt rafters. climb ladder find notes sung there. are not beautiful horses matted half-mad spotted with sores rangy wild wander. but yours. give desperate be be. hi ash first congratulations on winning third march ibpc poem widowed. another fine read here ash. would suggest don't need second at end that one suffice stronger. sure either why capped run-on lines which seems unnecessary as well. hear... answer... salt... horses... -- affected. grief too much hyperbole lets down an otherwise subtle poem. looks about there just some attention needed finalize it nice work once again chris 84878 re black-tie annmarie eldon almost... rev that night wanted to be this poem. it took shape slowly rising sunrise. against black required grain i wore a white knit-dress sling-backs hair bohemian loose with natural waves glamour on the eyes and kiss of lip-gloss. greeted behaved drank green martinis. he was wall-street skyscraper pair blue lights glowing softly holding glass ice-water. his height stretched my heart steel drew vanity from stars. broke into circle parking-lights introduced self. didn t mix deadweight italic fantasy s clarity. how does one dream so straight narrow led me through bright barren corridors. flood gaps widening pitfall lost loves. have say is still bit 'listy' for - as in happened then happened. needs only slight shift make seems all at once which might not but would good think you got rush. hand voltage charged undergrounds passion flight up. urban siren shook middle-age doll-house. case changing when like too much can't see way get round it. 84879 re appaloosas bowen chris thanks i'm glad you liked this but i think it was an error in judgement. feels wrong now. apparently widowed will be the last decent thing i'll write. lol hi ash first congratulations on winning third march ibpc with your poem widowed. another fine read from here ash. would suggest don't need second to at end and that one suffice stronger. not sure either why have capped run-on lines which seems unnecessary as well. mean hear... answer... salt... horses... -- affected. ocean of grief too much hyperbole lets down otherwise subtle poem. looks about there just some attention needed finalize nice work once again 84880 re appaloosas ff hi ash first congratulations on winning third in the march ibpc with your poem widowed. another fine read from you here ash. i would suggest don't need second to be at end and that one will suffice stronger. not sure either why have capped run-on lines which seems unnecessary as well. mean hear... answer... salt... horses... -- affected. ocean of grief too much hyperbole lets down an otherwise subtle poem. looks about there just some attention needed finalize it nice work once again chris very did delete only see cg's crit maybe its my comp anyway i'd try 'mustang' for title instead thanks enjoyed 84881 re appaloosas bowen yes deleted. but thanks for the read and comments. they're much appreciated. ash very nice did you delete poem i only see cg's crit here maybe its my comp anyway i'd try 'mustang' title instead again enjoyed ff 84882 the spiders of my imagination have beautiful faces si mon expecting ice raindrops ping off hood jeep through steam while i wait for light to turn green. last night woke at four certain life was different. rain lets me know it s not. 84883 re drawing stars fletcher lynd perkoff that's funny i draw my downupoveroverup at the macaroni grill paper tablecloth serves as our night pallet. teach kids method why pallet would palette work better in broken blue not sky crayon up down over down. soon we have an army filling time until saucy noodles march in. once filled margins of boredom with sloppy stars. teachers taught me nothing. moby woolf virginia dick angle arched angel. had wings faces everything ran blue. or black. break here maybe...maybe color blind they asked what saw pictures. number 23. a bicycle underwater. moon breaking up. trace fingernail along skin your back. it leaves white lines updownoveroverdown that disappear. give ghost names tail hen armpit mighty one. all love. let sleep again. you're worth 84884 re one instance of reconiling duality on the page si mon fletch -- i enjoyed prague cockroaches come beneath daddies monster gown rest it were just words to me sorry not much help. jonathan livingston came here grow. learn how critique. lead. perfection. right now see you all know who i'm talking about as gods. and in another moment fellow seagulls. love fletcher lynd where is my community red schield frankfurt blood libel still smacks unwilling scabbed puckered lips lustingly at base christian cock called cathedral. or head dom e . advocacy no rhetoric charitably frames lingering empty scrotum. do hear our painless memories neither i. space issues limits rifts. time coitus with mnemosyne. child andrew sinusoidally scribbles atretic stenotic dead ore alive. a tricuspid gable. crooked venous horseshoe failing its design wordlessly he screams daddy have palettes twos try buy deny. margins ghetto center ambassador blue. blue like swollen penis head. waves menstruating vagina. verve. new dic- tion. deal except austerity. last thing ago china chop accidentally spilled mum vase upon her top fortunate fall breasts that made stop bloody weedy crys did flop. 84885 re black-tie si mon yoly -- my opinion there is still some to cut here i find parts too self-conscience more below rev that night wanted be this poem. it took shape slowly rising sunrise. against black required grain wore a white knit-dress sling-backs hair bohemian loose with natural waves glamour on the eyes and kiss of lip-gloss. greeted behaved drank green martinis. he was wall-street skyscraper pair blue lights glowing softly holding glass ice-water. his height stretched heart steel drew vanity from stars. broke into circle parking-lights introduced self. didn t mix deadweight italic fantasy s clarity. how does one dream so straight narrow led me through bright barren corridors. flood gaps widening pitfall lost loves. then hand voltage charged undergrounds passion flight up. urban siren shook middle-age doll-house. 84886 re a kaleidoscope is only good at christmas rev si mon i might just end it on the v's -- like that si. against sky anything can be invented. my mother trundled me in orchard made aim pipe air twist dial until was borne into something striped ribbon. above grove spinning halved apples or hearts of lemon. when twisted back too fast cracked wheel wedged and returned blue tube light. night moon another marooned sky. held fingers apart sliced four vs. opened hand an o new way _____to say hello. 84887 on the a train geoff . little brown man enters holds bag in handles of string. terrible things may hide small packages officer. he thinks it d posted for world trade center. hated twin towers before became site as you could not get good look both their glory. is much easier now. said after first attack they've marked well and -- i'm never entering that place again. his wife ignored him. denies hard hearted hussy implied such thing. if continues singlehanded to end line will face great atlantic coney island. barefoot frequently stroll along ocean searching sea shells. certain people taken island won't consider fit company craning at sistine roof or mont st. michel chartres. it's just one those things.-- took them there repeatedly they might still deny everything. inscribed all observers big black letters please take note officer conclude your report. leone 84888 re black-tie geoff re. for yoly o gosh golly how my heart goes pitter-pat there are streaks of romance from the first line on that take themselves far too seriously. surely beginning has had an intimate relationship with neruda's early love poems i am left untouched by what mark was wearing. or makeup. reverse is unthinkable isn't it when read last stanza then he took hand voltage charged undergrounds passion flight up. urban siren shook middle-age doll-house. really wondered. if dentures would have lost them. see here this might work in a humorous piece but believe me sounds strictly business. best night wanted to be poem. shape slowly rising sunrise. against black required grain wore white knit-dress sling-backs hair bohemian loose natural waves glamour eyes and kiss lip-gloss. greeted behaved drank green martinis. wall-street skyscraper pair blue lights glowing softly holding glass ice-water. his height stretched steel drew vanity stars. broke into circle parking-lights introduced self. didn t mix deadweight italic fantasy s clarity. does one dream so straight narrow led through bright barren corridors. flood gaps widening pitfall loves. 84889 re black-tie yoly hi slosh- thank you for the thought. how about haveing a kiss-off lip-gloss kinda adds to that line just waht were after 84890 re black-tie yoly hi annmarie thank you for coming back. taint easy to revise.. peace almost... i have say that this is still a bit 'listy' me - as in happened then and happened. it needs only slight shift make seems all at once which might not but would so good think got rush. be case of changing when like the too much can't see way get round it. 84891 re black-tie yoly hi si mon- thank you. i'm always considering the next revision. peace -- my opinion there is still some to cut here i find parts too self-conscience more below that night wanted be this poem. 84892 re black-tie yoly hola geoff there's a strong possiblity of an affair with neruda. if that's compliment thank you. not i couldn't keep this serious. had too much fun. you for your always candid review. paz re. o gosh golly how my heart goes pitter-pat there are streaks romance from the first line on that take themselves far seriously. surely beginning has intimate relationship neruda's early love poems am left untouched by what mark was wearing. or makeup. reverse is unthinkable isn't it when read last stanza then he took hand voltage charged undergrounds passion flight up. urban siren shook middle-age doll-house. really wondered. dentures would have lost them. see here might work in humorous piece but believe me sounds strictly business. best 84893 re on the a train hannah geoff- this certain people taken to coney island you won't consider fit company for craning at sistine roof or mont st. michel and chartres. it's just one of those things.-- if took them there repeatedly they might still deny everything. strikes me as utterly worthy engaging smart interesting vivid amusing. rest time i admit spent wondering whether should get off next stop. -hannah 84894 re the spiders of my imagination have beautiful f hannah cymon that s some title you got there. but poem disappointed me overall. best thing about it is certainly sonic awareness first strophe overall i thought for a short snappy this allowed too much indecision weak phrasing and awkward syntax. bad record calling em these days though. -hannah 84895 re one instance of reconiling duality on the page hannah fletcher- sounds like you looking for a gym membership. but hey while here i thought this was basically awful. adverbs alone were enough to send me screaming after s3 or so. able assemble some basic appreciation in two places think ve got long ways go get language and actual content poem anywhere near where it purports be with all mnemosyne red schield that. has nothing do style found s minimally engaging area deft attention sonics replace that element. interesting images if only because they startle reader overall. nah. ll pass. -hannah 84896 a conspiracy of piercing silence barbara silberg around the world allowed rape and death pure impure alike. innocent jews their lives twisted in grotesque parody values warped into lies by perjuring german press those whose greed hate overwhelmed humanity were gassed. while innocents flesh burned overlarge ovens to efficiently accommodate numbers ash for soap dead s translucent skins pieced lamp-shades bones ground fertilizer pay imaged sins. silent who knew yet did nothing but turn away from unpleasant smell air cast consciences hearts souls like handful dry rye chaff shifting wind. 84897 the show davidc good scene is set--done so by absent minded stagehand supposed to be living in sky and we vacant leaf through playbill waiting for curtain fall. amongst crowd sits a bald white man chewing on his fingernail until thrill of pain makes him feel bit better hedonistic rush forgets woman seated next whom he once married. she taps her finger arm rest keeps eyes thoughts son admiring cute gap turtleneck nanna got seventh birthday then imagining nightmare that awaits down road. boy points up nose sings lullaby mother always sings. voice marked with brilliant tone wonder only child can have deathless forever always. real hasn t even begun yet 84898 re a conspiracy of piercing silence fletcher lynd perkoff it's still happening isn't it except jewness has manifested as otherness. don't forget the jews earned their bildung in philanthropin and so otherness now own this word is pure evil. around world allowed rape death impure alike. innocent lives twisted grotesque parody values warped into lies by perjuring german press those whose greed hate overwhelmed humanity were gassed. while innocents flesh burned overlarge ovens to efficiently accommodate numbers ash for soap dead s translucent skins pieced lamp-shades bones ground fertilizer pay imaged sins. silent who knew yet did nothing but turn away from unpleasant smell air cast consciences hearts souls like handful dry rye chaff shifting wind. 84899 thanks everyone david ayers i appreciate the advice got on this. you all seemed to be saying essentially same thing which more or less confirms my belief that posted this too early. i'll try find a way use latter half in another better poem at some point. --d 84900 re the spiders of my imagination have beautiful f si mon hey hannnnnnnnnnaaaaaaaaaaaaaah i find it funny that more people clicked on your response than actual poem. this is only one part a long poem -- 20 parts in all didn't want to post entire thing would you believe i've just had title head for awhile and felt like doing something with started as haiku or was left from chopped up spider has face when leg breaks two replace snowing here today they've cancelled school lots green going waste thanks not liking don't particularly either c man cymon s some got there. but disappointed me overall. best about certainly sonic awareness first strophe overall thought short snappy allowed too much indecision weak phrasing awkward syntax. bad record calling em these days though. -hannah 84901 surrender sherry winds circle in a bottle-green afternoon. they spit rain anxious. what s coming with this heavy smell dirt-soaked dust-rinsed quarrel from over the hill doors slam throughout hollow house. open windows. run down tornado 84902 bloodsworth ctg christopher t george ebony on the wharf at annapolis kunte kinte and his kin sold for their strength muscle tone to colonial planters. your high cheekbones imperial bearing easy believe you an african prince chaka zulu or cetawayo adopted name belying misspent youth as a punk kid running streets of west baltimore. probable predecessor asks navy reassess bombing island in chesapeake bay demands environmental study live-fire strafing could impact oysters crabs bay's frail ecosystem. ah but says war we need practice strikes prep battlefield runs far-off wars conflicts fought by kids from black ghettoes. same day aspiring senatorial candidate arrive limo oriole park camden yards feted triumphant warrior successful graduated crack-streets knew thug before ascended corridors power. five sons born out wedlock support supporters circulate munch hors d'oeuvres. fifth twenty-something men prison system baltimore breathes seethes outside designer windows. t. 84903 re black-tie sherry hey yoly i'm with si mon on this. the scene is set too much. how you look purely self-serving and full of ego. he looks a sentimental projection. sorry but it's like paperback romantic novel for me...but that's not to say other's wouldn't totally enjoy theme wonderful course. i love love. also shattered realities in mid-life. here are my favorite thoughts that keep swirling together intriguing me evening wanted be this poem. drank green martinis didn't want mix deadweight fantasy night's clarity. took hand voltage charged underground. passion shot three flights up. an urban siren shook middle-aged dollhouse. best s. rev night it shape slowly rising sunrise. against black required grain wore white knit-dress sling-backs hair bohemian loose natural waves glamour eyes kiss lip-gloss. greeted behaved martinis. was wall-street skyscraper pair blue lights glowing softly holding glass ice-water. his height stretched heart steel drew vanity from stars. broke into circle parking-lights introduced self. didn t italic s does one dream so straight narrow led through bright barren corridors. flood gaps widening pitfall lost loves. then undergrounds flight middle-age doll-house sp . 84904 re a conspiracy of piercing silence sherry i'm sorry barbara but for me this is pure surface work regarding subject that so very tangled and faceted. poem projects simple generalized insult. many brave people performed self-sacrificing acts in the face such terrorism. also terrorism has psychological depths cannot be ignored like ignores them. thinkers readers might immediately ask themselves gosh writer out fighting standing up giving her life or she simply on soapbox there's still bunches all forms world. there repulsion impatience toward passivity i must myself where author's responsiblity--a blind accusational preachy finger-pointing doesn't cut it. things you tell us happened are definitely horrific well-known lose interest right away especially with your parenthetical explanations. some wonderful phrases . overused title twisted grotesque parody values warped into lies unfortunately ideas hearts souls chaff wind applaud concern s. around world allowed rape death impure alike. innocent jews their lives by perjuring german press those whose greed hate overwhelmed humanity were gassed. while innocents flesh burned overlarge ovens to efficiently accommodate numbers ash soap dead s translucent skins pieced lamp-shades bones ground fertilizer pay imaged sins. silent who knew yet did nothing turn from unpleasant smell air cast consciences handful dry rye shifting wind. 84905 re surrender ryan i had a good idea - but it's tough as hell to format without seeing what your doing it came out an absolute mess my compared did in text pad messy is with this so am going leave w o trying again see if interesting you. --------------------------- afternoon green bottle circle wind anxious rain spit s coming heavy smells dirt-dust-soaked dirt-soaked dust- rinsed over quarrel hills open the hill doors slam ow run down throughout hollow house torn windows ado torn- 84906 writer's block bowen writer s all that missing is an empty bottle to blame the blank page on. or a dog barking at nothing. explosion. would be nice. couple of houses going up in flames -that you could work into fine line. wish for something like and d never forgive yourself. but still it thought. write down. house goes flames. thin. add firemen flaming out from high-rise freefall. nothing stops them dirt. there hole so deep somebody got measure it. across town people are moving each other lives writing long letters don t explain. home man finally ready put his finger rotary call help. he sees fire falling pulls o stop. voice daughter crackles tells her burning has seen bodies piling street no one can fill. awkward without softness. disconnects. routine go with building dogs bark bottles roll around room. 84907 re bloodsworth ctg bowen chris i like this. the author's voice gets too close to surface around illiget kids but think this is good. i'd address that part. best ash ebony on wharf at annapolis kunte kinte and his kin sold for their strength muscle tone colonial planters. your high cheekbones imperial bearing easy believe you an african prince chaka zulu or cetawayo adopted name belying misspent youth as a punk kid running streets of west baltimore. probable predecessor asks navy reassess bombing island in chesapeake bay demands environmental study live-fire strafing could impact oysters crabs bay's frail ecosystem. ah says war we need practice strikes prep battlefield runs far-off wars conflicts fought by from black ghettoes. same day aspiring senatorial candidate arrive limo oriole park camden yards feted triumphant warrior successful graduated crack-streets knew thug before ascended corridors power. five sons born out wedlock support supporters circulate munch hors d'oeuvres. fifth twenty-something men prison system baltimore breathes seethes outside designer windows. christopher t. george 84908 re black-tie yoly hi sherry- if it's a metter of the speaker's lack humbleness and not poem's cohesiveness i can live with this person being favorable to everyone. all protagonist have fit criteria. am glad you found some lines enjoyable. thank for taking time stop in comment. appreciate it abundantly. mid-life reality was most important. peace hey i'm si mon on this. scene is set too much. how look purely self-serving full ego. he looks sentimental projection. sorry but like paperback romantic novel me...but that's say other's wouldn't totally enjoy theme wonderful course. love love. also shattered realities mid-life. here are my favorite thoughts that keep swirling together intriguing me evening wanted be poem. drank green martinis didn't want mix deadweight fantasy night's clarity. took hand voltage charged underground. passion shot three flights up. an urban siren shook middle-aged dollhouse. best s. 84909 re bloodsworth ctg christopher t george chris i like this. the author's voice gets too close to surface around illiget kids but think this is good. i'd address that part. best ash hi many thanks for looking and commenting. 84910 re a conspiracy of piercing silence barbara silberg you say this poem projects simple and generalized insult. to whom did i offer insult may ask the victims -- many fought back those brave people who performed self-sacrificing acts in face such terrorism as german resistance movement french underground or individuals risked their lives liveyhoods help save jews catholics homosexuals that nazis victimized maybe war against nazi aggression something not nothing. am insulting knew nothing yes is going over old ground. unfortunately there are familiar with facts simply prefer ignore them instead chosing spew antisemectic rhetoric on board. too like suppose saying meaningful even if use worn ideas chaff hearts souls. known for my chiche's. that's why post these. have pointed out. just think what would feel. how knowledge impact consciences beliefs tearing at souls pruning-hooks. ...well talked myself into some better lines. stay tuned channel revision. thanks reading commenting. --barbara s. i'm sorry but me pure surface work regarding subject so very tangled faceted. terrorism. also has psychological depths cannot be ignored ignores them. thinkers readers might immediately themselves gosh writer out fighting standing up giving her life she soapbox there's still bunches all forms world. repulsion impatience toward passivity must where author's responsiblity--a blind accusational preachy finger-pointing doesn't cut it. things tell us happened definitely horrific well-known lose interest right away especially your parenthetical explanations. wonderful phrases . overused title twisted grotesque parody values warped lies wind applaud concern 84911 re writer's block christopher t george writer s all that missing is an empty bottle to blame the blank page on. or a dog barking at nothing. explosion. would be nice. couple of houses going up in flames -that you could work into fine line. wish for something like and d never forgive yourself. but still it thought. write down. house goes flames. thin. add firemen flaming out from high-rise freefall. nothing stops them dirt. there hole so deep somebody got measure it. across town people are moving each other lives writing long letters don explain. home man finally ready put his finger rotary call help. he sees fire falling pulls o stop. voice daughter crackles tells her burning has seen bodies piling street no one can fill. awkward without softness. disconnects. routine go with building dogs bark bottles roll around room. hi ash this fair treatment phenomenon block. i wonder if beginning calls too much attention itself poem more subtle began say line similar do thoughtful interesting poem. nice ash. my best chris 84912 re writer's block amy bowen i think this simple omission in the beginning would help... it begins to set up question of having is live or memorex cheers writer s all that missing an empty bottle blame blank page on . a dog barking at nothing. explosion. be nice. couple houses going flames -that you could work into fine line. wish for something like and d never forgive yourself. but still thought. write down. house goes flames. thin. add firemen flaming out from high-rise freefall. nothing stops them dirt. there hole so deep somebody got measure it. across town people are moving each other lives writing long letters don t explain. home man finally ready put his finger rotary call help. he sees fire falling pulls o stop. voice daughter crackles tells her burning has seen bodies piling street no one can fill. awkward without softness. disconnects. routine go with building dogs bark bottles roll around room. 84913 re a conspiracy of piercing silence sherry there you go i knew could find some better lines with deeper perspective. will never gain foothold antisemetics but must respect the people who did indeed care and help. stick to my criticism that this poem is shallow anger in fact it makes sound like nobody anything. be more specific your thoughts as have been reply me. beautiful novel based on author's life also about denial are talking stones from river by urusla hegi. she speaks extraordinary times cowardice bravery these lived threats they were up against. i'm sure read diary anne frank. died for her family too. recently went listened holocaust suvivor was crying confusion when he displayed no those hurt him lots love helped him. ever looked into armenian 1915 here another example make blood boil. s. say projects simple generalized insult. whom offer insult may ask victims -- many fought back brave performed self-sacrificing acts face such terrorism german resistance movement french underground or individuals risked their lives liveyhoods help save jews catholics homosexuals nazis victimized maybe war against nazi aggression something not nothing. am insulting nothing yes going over old ground. unfortunately familiar facts simply prefer ignore them instead chosing spew antisemectic rhetoric board. too suppose saying meaningful even if use worn ideas chaff hearts souls. known chiche's. that's why post these. pointed out. just think what would feel. how knowledge impact consciences beliefs tearing at souls pruning-hooks. ...well talked myself lines. stay tuned channel revision. thanks reading commenting. --barbara 84914 re the piercing silence- revised barbara silberg silence around world a conspiracy of allowed rape and death pure impure alike. innocent jews their lives twisted in grotesque parody values warped into lies by perjuring german press those whose greed hate overwhelmed humanity were gassed. while innocents catholics homosexuals men women infants flesh burned overlarge ovens to ash for soap dead s translucent skins pieced lamp-shades bones ground fertilizer glue pay imaged sins. silent who knew did nothing. saw otherwise decent everyday folk breathed death-tainted smoke grew grain worked factories eating blessing bread made from wheat rye fertilized with human washing hands ashes reading shade lamps how they could have stayed didn t that knowledge tear at them very souls like sharpened pruning-hooks my original efficiently accommodate numbers yet nothing but turn away unpleasant smell air cast consciences hearts handful dry chaff shifting wind. 84915 mirror david ayers flowers in silhouette against the arm what is it doing going to become this girl's lb. of flesh inside panic room choices are a tree solitary and slim held up light her body wall leaves walk pattern around limb forest small house sinks lake stars golden section mean figures there tattoo how treelike she becomes when door bursts intruders waltz steal because hypodermic doesn't suffer at all colorful skin comes right off one robbers hits whack bullets makes hail which fitting or trick tries negotiate pressing call button beforehand no escape though sleeps terrified that they'll see say they went home rob saw strongbox was full lichens hole filled with branches papier m ch wire used sieve midnight hidden plain view 84916 re a conspiracy of piercing silence christopher t george around the world allowed rape and death pure impure alike. innocent jews their lives twisted in grotesque parody values warped into lies by perjuring german press those whose greed hate overwhelmed humanity were gassed. while innocents flesh burned overlarge ovens to efficiently accommodate numbers ash for soap dead s translucent skins pieced lamp-shades bones ground fertilizer pay imaged sins. silent who knew yet did nothing but turn away from unpleasant smell air cast consciences hearts souls like handful dry rye chaff shifting wind. hi barbara i don't doubt your sincerity writing this poem nor that is something needs be said it has been heard before. moreover features an overarching hyperbole beginning with continuing through much poem. sorry negative over about which you obviously feel passionate. although number people are going find saying what do say new enough way specificity make us situation. instead talk generalities. all best chris 84917 re the piercing silence- revised christopher t george silence around world a conspiracy of allowed rape and death pure impure alike. innocent jews their lives twisted in grotesque parody values warped into lies by perjuring german press those whose greed hate overwhelmed humanity were gassed. while innocents catholics homosexuals men women infants flesh burned overlarge ovens to ash for soap dead s translucent skins pieced lamp-shades bones ground fertilizer glue pay imaged sins. silent who knew did nothing. saw otherwise decent everyday folk breathed death-tainted smoke grew grain worked factories eating blessing bread made from wheat rye fertilized with human washing hands ashes reading shade lamps how they could have stayed didn that knowledge tear at them very souls like sharpened pruning-hooks barbara i just noticed you had posted this revision after wrote my comments on your original poem. note though would be same as prior version. chris 84918 re mirror ktrina tres cool i have one or two changes that will help it make more sense merci bo trina flowers in silhouette against the arm what is doing going to become this girl's lb. of flesh inside panic room choices are a tree solitary and slim held up light her body wall leaves walk pattern around limb forest small house sinks lake stars golden c- section s mean figures there tattoo cockatoo how treelike she becomes when door bursts intruders waltz square dance steal because hypo dermic thermic doesn't suffer at all colorful skin comes right off robbers rubbers hits whack bullets makes hail which very fitting trick tries negotiate pressing call ball button beforehand no escape though sleeps terrified they'll see say they went home rob rub saw strongbox was full lichens liquour hole filled with branches papier m ch wire used sieve midnight hidden plain pregnant view 84919 re writer's block fletcher lynd perkoff remove insert writer s they who must remain unnamed all that missing is an empty bottle to blame the blank page on. or a dog barking at nothing. explosion. would be nice. couple of houses going up in flames -that you could work into fine line. wish for something like and d never forgive yourself. but still it thought. write down. house goes flames. thin. add firemen flaming out from high-rise freefall. nothing stops them dirt . there hole so deep somebody got measure fill it. across town people are moving each other lives writing long letters don t explain. home man finally ready put his finger rotary call help. he sees fire falling pulls o stop voice daughter crackles tells her burning has seen bodies piling street no one can being ed awkward without devoid softness. disconnects. routine men go with building holes fighting fires dogs bark bottles roll around room 84920 re surrender sherry yeah baby i really like how you took off with this don't know if i'm seeing it you've intended but do we ever grin is definitely a shape poem and your version mixes up twister even more. am not that complicated my plan was to overuse hypenation for the mix. thanks playing this. s. had good idea - it's tough as hell format without what doing came out an absolute mess compared did in text pad messy so going leave w o trying again see interesting you. --------------------------- afternoon green bottle circle wind anxious rain spit s coming heavy smells dirt-dust-soaked dirt-soaked dust- rinsed over quarrel hills open hill doors slam ow run down throughout hollow house torn windows ado torn- 84921 re surrender ryan thats one thing i can do fix errr mean... mess people's poems up lucky me your topic actually called for it - so am excussed. heh 84924 re wonder unceasing sherry jeeez i was with you on this one chris. good too amy. and geoff surprise me the brown leprechaun. but they are a bit swarthy aren't yes did say if caught him he going to give some pot s. amy it looks like have right. see link. 84925 re one instance of reconiling duality on the page fletch thanks this was helpful. rest it were just words to me -- sorry not much help. jonathan livingston 84926 re one instance of reconiling duality on the page fletch ryan thank you for reading. i think i'm gonna rework this a smidge. want to come back and comment more but first ago child were in china chop accidentally spilled me mum vase upon her top fortunate fall it breasts that made stop bloody blue my weedy crys as red head did flop. is excellent 84928 re one instance of reconiling duality on the page fletch hannah i'm glad you stopped. i'll try and salvage whatever pieces i can. any suggestions if not this will just have to cool off before touch it again. fletcher sounds like looking for a gym membership. that's disconcerting. but hey while here thought was basically awful. adverbs alone were enough send me screaming after s3 or so. in that case return basics. able assemble some basic appreciation two places think ve got long ways go get language actual content poem anywhere near where purports be with all mnemosyne red schield that. has nothing do style found s minimally engaging area deft attention sonics replace element. interesting images only because they startle reader overall. nah. ll pass. -hannah 84929 re mirror fletcher lynd perkoff jetz w r zeit dass g tter tr ten aus bewohnten dingen rilke i read this numerous times. i'm prolly 11 of the 20 or so views. har get these visions jody foster and then say to myself no defense is a form self-defense. sorry that's not much help. that you need it. flowers in silhouette against arm what it doing going become girl's lb. flesh inside panic room choices are tree solitary slim held up light her body wall leaves walk pattern around limb forest small house sinks lake stars golden section mean figures there tattoo how treelike she becomes when door bursts intruders waltz steal because hypodermic doesn't suffer at all colorful skin comes right off one robbers hits whack bullets makes hail which fitting trick tries negotiate pressing call button beforehand escape though sleeps terrified they'll see they went home rob saw strongbox was full lichens hole filled with branches papier m ch wire used sieve midnight hidden plain view 84930 different places rick with a carnival like appeal on reactive roller coaster ride determining who and what is real our abilities make sense while trying to decide passing over shaky ground slippery rails we travel highs lows reach compressing layers bewildered natural complexities of people unravel seemingly weeding out most unwanted ugly along players viewing morals attributes ethical reactions dissecting resumes provided as if separating fibers found in way allowing clear sight purpose guide attractions nevertheless hold for moment today sailing learn becoming judge jury fate still drawn the brightest light knowing it will burn alone determine which one date at time rule new faces depart 84931 re a goodbye letter to rebel friend fletcher lynd perkoff crick i've never managed irony with any confidence so that it's always finally serious. robert creeley i like this great deal as mentioned. but there are parts of it blatantly degrading women and set up generic categories imo. find the poem vibrant energy verve life in . yet falling short by creating heroines rebels other categories. could use good dose irony. what you may consider doing is represent inserted dialogue. who really. presumptious category slightly annoying me without ironic key. cricket 84932 re one instance of reconiling duality on the page david ayers i disagree. thanks for commenting my poem b c it made me look at this. like it. i'm not prepared to say why yet. should never be too hasty feel. sometimes there's no reason just does over and till people you funny when oh that poet so really love his work. then get smile knowingly while they scratch their heads... --d 84933 re different places hannah rick- i don t think this is very good writing. grammar problems erratic punctuation over-modified weak modifiers nouns and verbs lots of clich poor line breaks worst all the trope or basic concept idea poem isn interesting. there a marked tendency here to push preach certain message that exists outside sense reason image evidence argument even though it s fairly unintelligible in still comes off as overly didactic. what wilbur says from advice muse something should escape us like question one had meant ask dead day heat come gone infra-red deep-down jolting nibble pike remembered strangers who picnic dress traverse field under mottling trees enter midnight forgetfulness rich our ignorance celebes. motives for some act propose few confessing you can yourself decide interpose witness provide despite his inclination be true fadings signal were breath which drawing closer may obscure mirror window with token blur slight uncertainty makes sure. maybe dunno. thanks same chance read comment. -hannah 84934 revison afterword s asher afterwords when will he move down that branch is to be told there are some more left still who being divided made into pieces partitions done partition was only the first one. toba tek singh i bought a votive candle for prayer appease my father's restless mind and own matter. i'm something like black piper covered in soot. didn't work so tried another languish. don't peeling on walls. it's wax rom or st joseph's oratory where crutches nailed wall. brother andre healed montreal. dialects shift yarn lahore it acrylic mother wanted wool off lamb's back lamb soaked with crooked spine south india what point telling you this she never da sweater globe trotter 5th avenue space moving heart moved. atrium packed crowds out memory trifoliate self ribcage perhaps ventricle clutter absence of dialect ivy climbs wall room view. thought verdant-- now always an audition. growth incremental if at all noticeable. gable imagined was. sounds fall ahdamn. went private school hid from choir practice shower mr nightingale walked through torch light his rubber sole pivoted ceramic. instead swung rope over lake ontario by ww2 trench. that's they trained cadets use muskets. skipped avid swinger learned put dry ice baseball caps leaders toilet. leader beat scrawny kid up. called me paki chapel . things we tell invade us acquire ears eyes. ear eye. grimace tooth. already said adam emerged eve's ribcage. narrative did yield orange became bat walls were baroque those moat. beats language meaning gleaned space. auditory gestures unearth body transcribing. someone pulses thinking neither looks forward nor back. scattered fragment journal. monk dovercourt street. have mercy upon sinner. read philokalia gazed adoringly picture blessed mary. plane looked pakistan. father way cobwebs time such harmony before this. moslems hindus lived peace. river piedro sat cluttered garments would sing lullaby could lull leave again am asking 1947 becomes swooned can t hear thing how know nerve even ask. refugee camps part landscape most major cities north but half century later no memorial recall except guarded rapidly dying families collective memories. 1 search past rubble. footsteps everywhere must find falls. here arrive page form imagined. day august 47 does mean say knife cut two worlds these words because butcher blood sprouts banyan tree shrouded flags red kalandari flags. not pray want you. incremental. shards their organs. multitasking foreign blank atrium. alienate latinate word brings fair tidings stepped switched bodies taming jinns fire add which defoliate mistake son holy gust wind. unless wind dr. bowan asked about after anastomosis propelled ontario. really need pinch loaf bread. degrading import here. construction zone. going turning lingering i'd rather entertain see once sounding different voice-zones. dreamed siraket foliate leaf. jasmine held palm anthony squeezed. why blame saint francis taught nuns indian janitor whose cleaning presently none. opened eyes surgery family around me. dr fine retrospect liked take pill indus water speaking walk laz marlene said. deal. came visited month her husband get married huffy. nurse brought bible. gave bibliophila. shot shit augustine confessions lawrence cooking days 14th century. had given up stone stonemomthought stole diamond. just workaholics. -what do living -achive gut nonetheless should grateful least heaven go earth. open book baked chapati. roti forget. chapati cooked clay oven. ovens brothers burned alive. bread good. toward pani rouge. red. sea. new when. delhi has greatly forgotten born india. door remains hinge. we're coming other side silence voices urvashi butalia. focus passage women forgotten. ignoring women's contributions independence memories indicates disparity treatment. nadia ahmad 84935 re mirror hannah david- aha here we go. i've felt a little like jack horner all week...i just knew the plum was somewhere.... this is. well i think you've already given me an out with that guff about how one should never be too hasty to say why right want take back yet flowers in silhouette against arm what is it doing going become girl's lb. of flesh inside panic room choices are tree solitary and slim held up light her body wall leaves walk pattern around limb forest small house sinks lake stars golden section mean figures there tattoo treelike she becomes when door bursts intruders waltz steal because hypodermic doesn't suffer at colorful skin comes off robbers hits whack bullets makes hail which fitting or trick tries negotiate pressing call button beforehand no escape though sleeps terrified they'll see they went home rob saw strongbox full lichens hole filled branches papier m ch wire used sieve midnight hidden plain view that's it. more colon stuff maybe -hannah 84936 welcome gc hannah we're thrilled to have you back around these parts 84937 re mirror cyocom i was going to say cut the first stanza but h beat me it. have one further confusion stars are golden section mean figures there is a tattoo how treelike she ----nice break on following and enjambing -- clever play. i'll i'm completely bumfuzzled tattoo. my thought military adding dimension no mathematical or khat pun intended simply reading as it in conjunction with flowers arm. guess all can like see mirrored meaning. worries every time read regards noi 84938 re welcome gc cricket thank the lord. we're thrilled to have you back around these parts 84939 re welcome gc g.c. thanks hannah for everyone else michael neff et al. have taken up a small collection and promised me new toaster in return my coming back to the block couple of weeks. it's good be back. i'll try comment on poems day. some you i know from former tenure as editor 2001-03 others are me. if feel like backchanneling or want draw attention particular poem you'd think about--sorry can't get them all --feel free drop few e-lines at above address. more tomorrow 84940 ps asher dear critics tell me where the transitions may be off poem says too much little etc. i know its a long piece to post but don't write shorter pieces so. appreciate consideration. best afterwords when will he move down that branch is told there are some more left still who being divided made into partitions done partition was only first one. toba tek singh bought votive candle for prayer appease my father's restless mind and own matter. i'm something like black piper covered in soot. didn't work so tried another languish. peeling on walls. it's wax rom or st joseph's oratory crutches nailed wall. brother andre healed montreal. dialects shift yarn lahore it acrylic mother wanted wool lamb's back lamb soaked with crooked spine south india what s point telling you this she never da sweater globe trotter 5th avenue space moving heart moved. atrium packed crowds out memory trifoliate self ribcage perhaps ventricle clutter absence of dialect ivy climbs wall room view. thought verdant-- now always an audition. growth incremental if at all noticeable. gable imagined was. sounds fall ahdamn. went private school hid from choir practice shower mr nightingale walked through torch light his rubber sole pivoted ceramic. instead swung rope over lake ontario by ww2 trench. that's they trained cadets use muskets. skipped avid swinger learned put dry ice baseball caps leaders toilet. leader beat scrawny kid up. called paki chapel . things we invade us acquire ears eyes. ear eye. grimace tooth. already said adam emerged eve's ribcage. narrative did yield orange became bat walls were baroque those moat. beats language meaning gleaned space. auditory gestures unearth body transcribing. someone pulses thinking neither looks forward nor back. scattered fragment journal. monk dovercourt street. have mercy upon sinner. read philokalia gazed adoringly picture blessed mary. plane looked pakistan. father way cobwebs time such harmony before this. moslems hindus lived peace. river piedro sat cluttered garments would sing lullaby could lull leave again am asking 1947 becomes swooned can t hear thing how nerve even ask. refugee camps part landscape most major cities north half century later no memorial recall except guarded rapidly dying families collective memories. 1 search past rubble. footsteps everywhere must find falls. here arrive page form imagined. day august 47 does mean say knife cut two worlds these words because butcher blood sprouts banyan tree shrouded flags red kalandari flags. not pray want you. incremental. shards their organs. multitasking foreign blank atrium. alienate latinate word brings fair tidings stepped switched bodies taming jinns fire add which defoliate mistake son holy gust wind. unless wind dr. bowan asked about after anastomosis propelled ontario. really need pinch loaf bread. degrading import here. construction zone. going turning lingering i'd rather entertain see once sounding different voice-zones. dreamed siraket foliate leaf. jasmine held palm anthony squeezed. why blame saint francis taught nuns indian janitor whose cleaning presently none. opened eyes surgery family around me. dr fine retrospect liked take pill indus water speaking walk laz marlene said. deal. came visited month her husband get married huffy. nurse brought bible. gave bibliophila. shot shit augustine confessions lawrence cooking days 14th century. had given up stone stonemomthought stole diamond. just workaholics. -what do living -achive gut nonetheless should grateful least heaven go earth. open book baked chapati. roti forget. chapati cooked clay oven. ovens brothers burned alive. bread good. toward pani rouge. red. sea. new when. delhi has greatly forgotten born india. door remains hinge. we're coming other side silence voices urvashi butalia. focus passage women forgotten. ignoring women's contributions independence memories indicates disparity treatment. nadia ahmad 84941 re one instance of reconiling duality on the page asher hi i like parts this but its currently chaos. it reads a rough draft for poem. kindest regards came here to grow. learn how critique. lead. perfection. right now see you all know who i'm talking about as gods. and in another moment fellow seagulls. love fletcher lynd where is my community beneath red schield frankfurt blood libel still smacks unwilling scabbed puckered lips lustingly at base christian cock called cathedral. or head dom e . prague cockroaches come daddies monster gown advocacy no rhetoric charitably frames lingering empty scrotum. do hear our painless memories neither i. space issues limits rifts. time coitus with mnemosyne. child andrew sinusoidally scribbles atretic stenotic dead ore alive. tricuspid gable. crooked venous horseshoe failing design wordlessly he screams daddy have palettes twos try buy deny. margins ghetto center ambassador blue. blue swollen penis head. waves menstruating vagina. verve. new dic- tion. deal except austerity. last thing ago were china chop accidentally spilled me mum vase upon her top fortunate fall breasts that made stop bloody weedy crys did flop. 84942 re iglu asher dear amy-- good to see you around. i thought this one sparce for my taste. hope rework it or incorporate what you're trying get at into a larger piece. kind regards the girls unzip well-handled bone knife boys shiver they know will melt come spring. 84943 re different places asher hi rick this poem reads like a monologue perhaps journal entry from the self to self. never once even trying reach out reading in my case . kind regards with carnival appeal on reactive roller coaster ride determining who and what is real our abilities make sense while decide passing over shaky ground slippery rails we travel highs lows compressing layers bewildered natural complexities of people unravel seemingly weeding most unwanted ugly along players viewing morals attributes ethical reactions dissecting resumes provided as if separating fibers found way allowing clear sight purpose guide attractions nevertheless hold for moment today sailing learn becoming judge jury fate still drawn brightest light knowing it will burn alone determine which one date at time rule new faces depart 84944 re the show asher hi only interesting thing in here for me is shift from narrator's voice which i find boring having read sartre and been done with him--but always says it much better - ha. fact existentialist strain of thought juxtaposed high romantic towrads end. that shows promise...but to try tie them up artificially seems counter productive wrestle each other out on page either a poem or short shory. kind regards good scene set--done so by absent minded stagehand supposed be living sky we vacant leaf through playbill waiting curtain fall. amongst crowd sits bald white man chewing his fingernail until thrill pain makes him feel bit hedonistic rush forgets woman seated next whom he once married. she taps her finger arm rest keeps eyes thoughts son admiring cute gap turtleneck nanna got seventh birthday then imagining nightmare awaits down road. boy points nose sings lullaby mother sings. marked brilliant tone wonder child can have deathless forever always. real hasn t even begun yet 84945 writer's block revision bowen everything but all that s missing is an empty bottle or a dog barking at nothing. explosion. couple of houses going up in flames. twelve firemen flame out from high-rise freefall. nothing stops them dirt. there hole so deep somebody got to measure it. across town people are moving each other lives writing long letters don t explain. home man finally ready put his finger into rotary call for help. he sees the fire falling pulls o stop. voice daughter crackles line. tells her burning has seen bodies piling street no one can fill. awkward without softness. disconnects. it routine. go with building dogs bark bottles roll around rooms empty. 84946 re welcome gc slosh ah you spell jesus with a g right makes note is this his 2nd coming 84947 re welcome gc annmarie eldon i went out for the evening and came back 84948 re ps annmarie eldon don't know whether i can stick to your exact requirements on how critique this. i'm not saying anything length since nearly will always take a piece as-is. first read the transitions seem fine wanted add one more onto 'now' eg you have what was that language now meaning could use which appears verdant-- space crowds an audition you're moving in and out memory sense too. this may be off - it's too early morning here... dear critics tell me where poem says much little etc. its long post but write shorter pieces so. appreciate consideration. best asher afterwords 84949 re welcome gc laurel back glimmer. good to see you 'round these parts again. spring's almost here and gc's on the board. i'm grinning. 84950 re welcome gc christopher t george thanks hannah for everyone else michael neff et al. have taken up a small collection and promised me new toaster in return my coming back to the block couple of weeks. it's good be back. i'll try comment on poems day. some you i know from former tenure as editor 2001-03 others are me. if feel like backchanneling or want draw attention particular poem you'd think about--sorry can't get them all --feel free drop few e-lines at above address. more tomorrow hello did not before although am editor. glad sure hannah's recommendation enthusiasm your we will than around. best regards chris 84951 re welcome gc dmjones hello home i've finished tying a sierra bright dot and royal coachman that is sure to please like old friends come dream the fire. regards dennis 84952 re welcome gc david ayers george clooney wb. it'll be good to have you around. --d 84953 re mirror david ayers hey yeah i think the confusion was partly intentional--or at least it came out that way first saw this stars are golden section mean figures then morphed i'm not sure how much of original impulse is preserved in i've fiddled with so just kinda curious to see if a dysfunctional piece like could resonate --d 84954 re mirror david ayers i've felt a little like jack horner all week...i just knew the plum was here somewhere.... this is. well i think you've already given me an out with that guff about how one should never be too hasty to say why right want take back yet lol you might setup. dunno thinking poe and essential case of who- or rather how- dunnit. theatrical guess. --d 84955 re mirror david ayers oh hey thanks. i love rilke. in fact i'm pretty sure stole this mit deinen augen welche m de kaum von der verbrauchten schwelle sich befrein hebst du ganz langsam einen schwarzen baum und stellst ihn vor den himmel schlank allein. --d 84956 re welcome gc sherry i'm pretty new to the board and this sounds like a good thing lookin' forward it. s. 84957 re welcome gc ryan wow i googled you so much fabulous ness on the i-nt with your name it 84958 re welcome gc jenn hi you were leaving as i was coming in but had been reading here for a while before that. i'm very much looking forward to your critiques again well work. 84959 re welcome gc ryan ahh you answered my most pursued question w h a t i s z e r thank ok - wont clutter up the block anymore 84960 a good thing laurel hey sherry do yourself favor and google gc waldrep---and you'll see why we're all thrilled to have him back on the board even if only for brief visit. or bigger buy his book goldbeater's skin. he's peach. not just poet sherry. also man. grin i'm pretty new this sounds like lookin' forward it. s. 84961 re writer's block revision sherry hi this is really tight snuggled nicely between those missing empty bottles and the room empty. full of action too. i love new title everything but if poem about that interpretation would be lost to me with change. keep wanting a word after explain emphasizing an it . ...writing long letters don t it. in home man seems where pivots begins itself all over again senior moment thing. it's strong like enjoyed line no one being able measure hole so much was disappointed you had changed idea fill end. other little silly how ended comma see not cut into short line. too intended emphasis for me. couple bottle. firemen go up building dogs bark at nothing roll around rooms always enjoy your poetry s. s bottle or dog barking nothing. explosion. houses going flames. twelve flame out from high-rise freefall. stops them dirt. there deep somebody got across town people are moving each lives writing explain. finally ready put his finger rotary call help. he sees fire falling pulls o stop. voice daughter crackles tells her burning has seen bodies piling street can fill. awkward without softness. disconnects. routine. 84962 re a good thing sherry thanks for the insight laurel what pal. s. hey do yourself favor and google gc waldrep---and you'll see why we're all thrilled to have him back on board even if only brief visit. or bigger buy his book goldbeater's skin. he's peach. not just poet sherry. also man. grin 84963 re writer's block revision bowen sherry thanks so much for the read. i appreciate all of your comments and suggestions. i'm not really sold on this one. wonder if there is a spine to hold together. laurel calls it series fragments guessing she thinks it's spineless work. dunno. at any rate thoughts comments. ash p.s. maybe that second hole isn't same as first y'know hi tight snuggled nicely between those missing empty bottles room empty. full action too. love new title everything but poem about interpretation would be lost me with change. keep wanting word after explain emphasizing an . ...writing long letters don t it. in home man seems where pivots begins itself over again senior moment thing. strong like enjoyed line no one being able measure was disappointed you had changed idea fill end. other little silly how ended comma see cut into short line. too intended emphasis me. couple bottle. firemen go up building dogs bark nothing roll around rooms always enjoy poetry s. 84964 re writer's block revision laurel spineless no. why would you think that i'd thought it was my comment referring to as a series of fragments not intended derogatory. ain't nothing wrong with fragments. i obviously didn't like the poem much sherry. don't know. maybe just get it. new title. sorry if took way. no harm intended. and spineless. sherry thanks so for read. appreciate all your comments suggestions. i'm really sold on this one. wonder there is spine hold together. calls guessing she thinks it's work. dunno. at any rate thoughts comments. ash p.s. second hole isn't same first y'know 84965 re welcome gc fletcher lynd perkoff back gc. i was checking out your book southern workers and the search for community . i'll buy it. it's important. as a whole but chapter hope fear risks of public life really caught my attention. fletch 84966 re the spiders of my imagination have beautiful f laurel post other 19 parts jim. please i just read this and wondered where heck rest poem was---with that title certainly there's got to be more than these few lines--then your response hnnh. so whole thing zola. all their pieces. grin expecting ice raindrops ping off hood jeep through steam while wait for light turn green. last night woke at four certain life was different. rain lets me know it s not. 84967 re the spiders of my imagination have beautiful f jenn yes jim i'm in full agreement with laurel. will you post rest love title. 84968 re writer's block revision bowen laurel i meant spineless in the sense that there wasn't a strong enough trope holding fragments together--not it lacked balls umph or whatever. never take anything you say as an insult except time when said my mother had wooden leg with kickstand on - . ash no. why would think i'd thought was comment referring to series of not intended derogatory. ain't nothing wrong fragments. obviously didn't like poem much sherry. don't know. maybe just get it. new title. sorry if took way. no harm intended. and spineless. 84969 re ps asher annemarie-- thanks for considering this. do what ever you want...of course. i was just suggesting since it is a longer piece some points to focus in on if don't know how approach. think would find daunting critique myself. million. ag whether can stick your exact requirements i'm not saying anything length nearly will always take as-is. first read the transitions seem fine wanted add one more onto 'now' eg have that language now meaning could use which appears verdant-- space crowds an audition you're moving and out memory sense too. this may be off - it's too early morning here... annmarie 84970 re a conspiracy of piercing silence barbara silberg thanks for the read and comment. --barbara s. hi while i don't doubt your sincerity in writing this poem nor that is something needs to be said it has been heard before. moreover features an overarching hyperbole beginning with continuing through much poem. sorry negative over about which you obviously feel passionate. although number people are going like find saying what do say new enough way specificity make us situation. instead talk generalities. all best chris 84971 how could she resist laurel nothing was as tart and crisp upon her tongue between lips that granny smith. not red delicious temptation s rarely blatant scarlet ask any man who ever caught a whiff of green given chase. gift seemingly picked from the tree innocently. first one must believe only hungry. without hint agenda or intent clue to hidden evil contained within seeds tiny fetuses poisonous bushel consumed prove toxic lethal even depending on determined is kill. still don t call blonde naked unashamed yes but wholly clueless this woman tasting wakefulness savoring flavor lust light so sharp clean it blinds bit into skin shade buds clamped tight fists revealed flesh white ribs. bite an imprint teeth mark ravenous beast. understand animal starved insatiable. shape sin then roughly same size weight breast yielding in hand apple pendulous stem harvested at its peak ripeness. fruit would ve fallen regardless. if we are what eat eve more than merely garden fall. adam wet dream cain's shadow eclipsing abel's face hisser slithering through blades cyanide pills hitler swallowed. 84972 re welcome gc g.c. you can all stop that right now. i'm blushing beneath my beard. thanks though. --gc 84973 re mirror sherry hi david i must admit just barely hang on in this one. my bad know. begin to see and then the images thoughts shift me. imagine that. grin love third line where it comes from. our styles are so different it's hard for me give concrete changes--i usually try feel you. scares i'm a dream. enjoyed. s. flowers silhouette against arm what is doing going become girl's lb. of flesh inside panic room choices tree solitary slim held up light her body wall leaves walk pattern around limb forest small house sinks lake stars golden section mean figures there tattoo how treelike she becomes when door bursts intruders waltz steal because hypodermic doesn't suffer at all colorful skin right off one robbers hits whack bullets makes hail which fitting or trick tries negotiate pressing call button beforehand no escape though sleeps terrified that they'll say they went home rob saw strongbox was full lichens hole filled with branches papier m ch wire used sieve midnight hidden plain view 84974 re the spiders of my imagination have beautiful f sherry i expect ice. raindrops ping off hood jeep through steam. light doesn't turn green. last night woke at four certain life was different. it's not. okay messed with that. sorry. your spider became spider. yikes love s. expecting ice steam while wait for to rain lets me know it s 84975 re ps annmarie eldon i would find it daunting to critique myself. well it's not daunting. was once given feedback on a long piece that 'too' for the board - wasn't crit of poem but sort solid advice really sometimes longer pieces are simply more difficult 'read' web page than paper page. can understand and me layout eyecatchingness is especially important. hard with all other bumph around so like print out then looks different when held. this isn't an exact science eyescan patterns pages held completely something which banner ads folk have got worked their commercial messages. 'good' webzines also figured in words text screen 'behaves' differently. may be attention detial where you put s example seen differently hand case therefore being potentially ergodic either. think only line spacing left right justify important people don't bother learn basic html necessary final form. best 84976 go outside and play... ryan play before you break something. an all-if-knowing child. watching the guernica die. even in a cardboard box smell like secret history or more fragmented. same old shit saves idiots plush safe he think copywrite ahh this. ahhh. well thinks it stolen from his gnarled apartment. boxing glove nail. somewhere. ignorant t. bring me mobil oil winged horse horses what catastrophic-punctuation skeleton riding o soup can. twenty-seven doses of heroin lit on fire. white paint erasure tires something made entirely thorns e weepy-gouache-deathe. 84977 re ps ag thanks am i'm not able to do all that i want visually here because yet familar with html. for instance the narrative aspects of this are right justified. other than it runs like prose poem. explored writing in 3 margins but after a few days switched back over poem format. glad its daunting. you raise important question about how make appealing on forum. well good question. careful consideration aspect...i'll ponder and consider breaking up into parts although does run also exploring best regards asher would find daunting it's was once given feedback long piece 'too' board - wasn't crit sort solid advice really sometimes longer pieces simply more difficult 'read' web page paper page. can understand me layout eyecatchingness is especially important. hard bumph around so print out then looks different when held. isn't an exact science eyescan patterns pages held completely something which banner ads folk have got worked their commercial messages. 'good' webzines figured words text screen 'behaves' differently. may be attention detial where put s example seen differently hand case therefore being potentially ergodic either. think only line spacing left justify people don't bother learn basic html necessary final form. annmarie 84978 re ps annmarie eldon as a quick guide to html if you want justify paragraph of text the right type following before your but all on one line then space p align ie leave out between and here should give in am does that make any sense 84979 re surrender laurel first i'm loving ryan's formatting. wow. next that bottle-green afternoon. reminds me of many a summer day here in ohio when the sky would change to sickly green and we'd all say tornado only word trips up bit is anxious. i love winds spitting...but not sold on guess it does work sense atmosphere seem tense become almost combustible before twister. ever experienced one firsthand was called microburst fullblown ha tornado....and happened so fast. sound huge unforgettable. train bearing down house. by time at top cellar steps storm had already blown through trees were torn down. much for running cover. smile good poem. circle they spit rain what s coming with this heavy smell dirt-soaked dust-rinsed quarrel from over hill doors slam throughout hollow open windows. run 84980 re mirror laurel i echo sherry's comments. think the reason enjoy reading your work is because half time i'm barely hanging on to it. oftner than not feel as though inside somebody else's head when read you---which cool....and disturbing. smile see others wanna axe first stanza. honestly i'd be that much more lost without paper mache. haven't thought of mache in years. it was my favorite project school. something kinda magical building solid outta strips and glue. makes me try now an adult. god this mysterious. ever being john malkovich good you ayers. weird but good. write like this. want a poem seems almost hover above page. flowers silhouette against arm what doing going become girl's lb. flesh panic room choices are tree solitary slim held up light her body wall leaves walk pattern around limb forest small house sinks lake stars golden section mean figures there tattoo how treelike she becomes door bursts intruders waltz steal hypodermic doesn't suffer at all colorful skin comes right off one robbers hits whack bullets hail which fitting or trick tries negotiate pressing call button beforehand no escape sleeps terrified they'll say they went home rob saw strongbox full lichens hole filled with branches papier m ch wire used sieve midnight hidden plain view 84981 re how could she resist dmjones hello laurel i'm not a christian so i will pass on the message and myth - but oh what writing. do yourself your fans favor go for brass ring. you are ready. regards dennis 84982 re writer's block revision g.c. hi asher i largely like this though also agree with many of the comments that have already been made ctg's remark there are telly moments sap poem's energy amy's elaboration title really does work second line in earlier draft so either cut as you done or change fletcher lynd suggested and tried sherry's desire follow up explain something a little more vivid. disagree laurel poem is composed fragments it move forward associatively through narrative juxtaposition. don't to flat-out others but care for new at all. i'm always wary poems process slipping away into abstraction me pushes direction void. general thought version certainly tighter than its predecessor part interest reading about watching how writer question works his way problem i.e. process. shorter becomes--the lyric concentration endow with--the less we see . not saying prefer longer think has strengths am perhaps could actually run toward greater length poem--assuming do vividly. thinking suppose albert goldbarth dean young take non-subjects spin them festive day-of-the-dead shrouds meaning being. back hand.... everything all s missing an empty bottle dog barking nothing. explosion. couple houses going flames. twelve firemen flame out from high-rise freefall. nothing stops dirt. hole deep somebody got measure it. opening lines here quite well just when reader certain image shifts. freefall nice sound lends these gesture specificity which otherwise lacking can't help wish had vivid sensual cue though. success purposefully vague there's somebody's depends large on proximity specific material. across town people moving each other lives writing long letters don t explain. love first two again their ultimately being fairly balance abstraction. real null moment poet's tell rather show overbalances subtle instincts. you're advice come aren't explaining else some activity folks engage while other's lives. brainstorm. tensile strength barnyard twine. my left pinky feeling curls around china handle coffee mug. presence fifth seal solarium. ach those silly seals. i've lent seal-catching nets d.m. jones we'll let flop awhile. home man finally ready put finger rotary call help. he sees fire falling your intuition right return burning building only supply accretive strands assign observer. nice. what's reason vivifying pulls o stop. voice daughter crackles line. tells her seen bodies piling street no one can fill. hmmmm. very much daughter's advent via ma bell. fill --isn't too obvious terms 9 11 unfillable within us theme music. ...of course our would want hole. find doesn't seem freighted know capital-m and--to isn't interesting quality be filled must measured shouldn't measurement somehow subject what he's trying limitless capacity it's depth vs. volume imperative negation problem. awkward without softness. weakest current committing heresy distinct different levels. describe vividly if simile metaphor ask against principal disconnects. routine. go dogs bark bottles roll rooms empty. routine seems vestige insofar included far rhetorical props guide poem. sure verb we're talking obliteration firemen. reconsider last makes convincing argument archetypicality another form however archetypal resonance came before vividness. asking biography mind brief focus mind's eye sense combination senses such feels anchored world exigency seeming simple mental construct. fact belies existence that's point. bit description key draw further make expulsion--the exile--represented final wrenching. thoughts they worth. hope they're helpful. --gc 84983 re writer's block revision bowen g.c. wow what a critique. man i'm still trying to soak up everything you've said but it sure makes heck of lot sense. thanks so much. best a. hi asher i largely like this though also agree with many the comments that have already been made ctg's remark there are telly moments sap poem's energy amy's elaboration title really does work second line in earlier draft either cut as you done or change fletcher lynd suggested and tried sherry's desire follow explain something little more vivid. disagree laurel poem is composed fragments move forward associatively through narrative juxtaposition. don't flat-out others care for new at all. always wary poems process slipping away into abstraction me pushes direction void. general thought version certainly tighter than its predecessor part interest reading about watching how writer question works his way problem i.e. process. shorter becomes--the lyric concentration endow with--the less we see . not saying prefer longer think has strengths am perhaps could actually run toward greater length poem--assuming do vividly. thinking suppose albert goldbarth dean young take non-subjects spin them festive day-of-the-dead shrouds meaning being. back hand.... opening lines here quite well just when reader certain image shifts. high-rise freefall nice sound twelve lends these gesture measure specificity which otherwise lacking can't help wish had vivid sensual cue though. success purposefully vague there's hole deep somebody's got depends large on proximity specific material. love first two again their ultimately being fairly balance abstraction. writing long letters real null moment poet's tell rather show overbalances subtle instincts. you're going advice come aren't explaining else some other activity folks engage while moving out each other's lives. brainstorm. tensile strength barnyard twine. my left pinky feeling curls around china handle coffee mug. presence fifth seal solarium. ach those silly seals. i've lent all seal-catching nets d.m. jones we'll let flop awhile. your intuition right return burning building only supply accretive strands assign an observer. rotary nice. home what's reason vivifying hmmmm. very much daughter's advent via ma bell. pulls o stop. no one can fill --isn't too obvious terms 9 11 unfillable within us theme music. ...of course our would want daughter hole. find doesn't seem freighted know capital-m and--to isn't interesting quality be filled must measured shouldn't measurement somehow subject he's limitless capacity it's depth vs. volume imperative negation problem. weakest current committing heresy distinct different levels. describe voice vividly if simile metaphor ask against principal routine seems vestige insofar included far rhetorical props guide poem. go verb we're talking obliteration firemen. reconsider last convincing argument archetypicality another form however dogs bark nothing bottles roll rooms empty archetypal resonance came before vividness. asking biography mind brief focus mind's eye sense combination senses such feels anchored world exigency seeming simple mental construct. fact belies existence that's point. bit description key draw further make expulsion--the exile--represented final wrenching. thoughts they worth. hope they're helpful. --gc 84984 re ps eduardo annmarie you know i love your html poems. --gc 84985 re how could she resist titiana chernehofsky nothing was as tart and crisp upon her tongue between lips that granny smith. not red delicious temptation s rarely blatant scarlet ask any man who ever caught a whiff of green given chase. gift seemingly picked from the tree innocently. first one must believe only hungry. without hint agenda or intent clue to hidden evil contained within seeds tiny fetuses poisonous bushel consumed prove toxic lethal even depending on determined is kill. still don t call blonde naked unashamed yes but wholly clueless this woman tasting wakefulness savoring flavor lust light so sharp clean it blinds bit into skin shade buds clamped tight fists revealed flesh white ribs. bite an imprint teeth mark ravenous beast. understand animal starved insatiable. shape sin then roughly same size weight breast yielding in hand apple pendulous stem harvested at its peak ripeness. fruit would ve fallen regardless. if we are what eat eve more than merely garden fall. adam wet dream cain's shadow eclipsing abel's face hisser slithering through blades cyanide pills hitler swallowed. i'm much for 'shock factor' writing i'll try stick grammatics i did like contruction you borrowed now famous poet seth abramson ie . unfortunately -- leave dangling rather precarious manner reconsider grammatical scaffolding which have built your poem thanks dr. 84986 re writer's block revision laurel no i said your mother's leg was a kickstand then proceeded to kick it out from under her. grin meanwhile done tol' you wrong. everyone else loves it. can't articulate why i'm not loving if can figure what about the poem is rubbing me wrong way will try get down in this little box. for now....wow. sink teeth into gc's crit. smile ignore me. don't know hell talking about. honestly don't. sweep my fragments rug where they belong. meant spineless sense that there wasn't strong enough trope holding together--not lacked balls umph or whatever. never take anything say as an insult except time when mother had wooden with on - . ash 84987 re go outside and play... titiana chernehofsky play before you break something. an all-if-knowing child. watching the guernica die. even in a cardboard box smell like secret history or more fragmented. same old shit saves idiots plush safe he think copywrite ahh this. ahhh. well thinks it stolen from his gnarled apartment. boxing glove nail. somewhere. ignorant t. bring me mobil oil winged horse horses what catastrophic-punctuation skeleton riding o soup can. twenty-seven doses of heroin lit on fire. white paint erasure tires something made entirely thorns e weepy-gouache-deathe. cannot say that i fully understood your poem. one iota yet find massively intriguing written its sort poetry simply love thanks 84988 for generally complimentary annmarie eldon he said loved me my html poems but i watched the way his eyes wandered across white space and became all straight laced about him 84989 re writer's block revision bowen everyone else loves it. well i think that's a little strong i.e. ignore me. couldn't you even if wanted to. lol best ash p.s. we all know knew that there was something wrong with it g.c. just the one who could put pieces together for of us. mean why posted on every board find. 84990 re for generally complimentary titiana chernehofsky he said loved me my html poems but i watched the way his eyes wandered across white space and became all straight laced about him ooh la now this is what call an erotic experience dreadfully delightful thank you dr. 84991 re go outside and play... ryan samo 84992 re for generally complimentary ryan fou are so skilled at picking a form fitting the words 84993 i was too cool for comic books benny profane books. a little kid didn t play with my he-man guys collected them. then coins. baseball cards. while branched out into gulf war and marvel comics trading that lasted about summer. started collecting cds. trying to be by listening music. smart. smart perh. rel. l. mord re bite gr. smerdn s smerdal os terrible. so adj. biting stinging xi causing acute pain xii brisk vigorous xii. somewhere in the 12th century it became popular understand things cause simultaneously capacity inflict death function of health. one eats other smarts he m too. reads se 14 when got kicked outta school. revenging on em readin em. im bout ta eat up whole fuckin game. yall cant fuck wit dis. rap nirvana third studio album stone temple pilots second pearl jam second. though first were me. especially bleach ur-cool smerdyakov terrible proteus icy utter dominion mother love bone decided you what be. 84994 re go outside and play... ryan samo oh thx for the compliment - i appreciate attention while am learning much. 84995 re ps ag ahhh. you're great am.... - and gooooood. thank you as a quick guide to html if want justify paragraph of text the right type following before your but all on one line ie leave out space between then here should give in am does that make any sense 84996 separation bowen any words if spoken would suggest we stop. but this morning re punched silent by rain. wipers forgotten in dry weather smear the winter road. at bridge stop unbuckle our lives climb rail. below river makes rings of rain color sweet tea. for a week wept under kitchen s yellow light circled table as grief be worn down walking. each evening stood here on loose ledge earth thought rushes. his eyes show he ready to step i think about last things details people forget. car could change minds hour alone world. out keep what distance they can. 84997 re surrender sherry hey laurel thanks for stopping in on this one. it's small probably insignificant. i was just wanting to see if could grasp a moment of excitement and surrender. there's always the pause where stand around when know shouldn't--could be dangerous but want actually danger. do that lot one these days i'm going get caught. finally open house it instead. have dreams about tornadoes. i've been two serious close-to-me tornadoes only saw them. other already down down. first loving ryan's formatting. wow. pretty cool. love people take off with something inspired. next bottle-green afternoon. reminds me many summer day here ohio sky would change sickly green we'd all say tornado word trips up bit is anxious. winds spitting...but not sold guess does work sense atmosphere seem tense become almost combustible before twister. ever experienced firsthand called microburst fullblown ha tornado....and happened so fast. sound huge unforgettable. train bearing house. by time at top cellar steps storm had blown through trees were torn much running cover. smile never heard everyone says you're supposed hear. both my leapt last minute maybe that's why. good poem. aw too kind. ya s. 84998 re how could she resist bowen laurel i've read this several times and i keep coming back to it. i'm searching what think of it every time the mechanics are fine as always. but wonder about some aspects this. at might be driving its point home a little too much for my taste. sure others will have no problem with last three strophes or so is where most negative reaction that very minimal btw . don't like author any poem pointing anything out me. part if we eat then eve was more than merely apple garden fall. adam s wet dream cain's shadow eclipsing abel's face hisser slithering through blades cyanide pills hitler swallowed. just seemed bother know king trying sum up now critters been when they tell me not do should without explanation y'know there tired phrases on first stick second third do. caught whiff hint agenda intent clue evil contained within clamped tight fists peak ripeness usual parts absolutely love. white rib great. loved that. overall iffy one. hate still your homeboy ash nothing tart crisp upon her tongue between lips granny smith. red delicious temptation rarely blatant scarlet ask man who ever green given chase. gift seemingly picked from tree innocently. one must believe only hungry. hidden seeds tiny fetuses poisonous bushel consumed prove toxic lethal even depending determined kill. don t call blonde naked unashamed yes wholly clueless woman tasting wakefulness savoring flavor lust light sharp clean blinds bit into skin shade buds revealed flesh ribs. bite an imprint teeth mark ravenous beast. understand animal starved insatiable. shape sin roughly same size weight breast yielding in hand pendulous stem harvested ripeness. fruit would ve fallen regardless. 84999 re how could she resist sherry laurel i know you shy away from critting your poems...i always cut the hell out of them and then feel so bad about it. also don't handle biblical themes very well but... this is to die for can have it shape sin roughly same size weight a breast as yielding in hand s. nothing was tart crisp upon her tongue between lips that granny smith. not red delicious temptation s rarely blatant scarlet ask any man who ever caught whiff green given chase. gift seemingly picked tree innocently. first one must believe only hungry. without hint agenda or intent clue hidden evil contained within seeds tiny fetuses poisonous bushel consumed prove toxic lethal even depending on determined kill. still don t call blonde naked unashamed yes but wholly clueless woman tasting wakefulness savoring flavor lust light sharp clean blinds bit into skin shade buds clamped tight fists revealed flesh white ribs. bite an imprint teeth mark ravenous beast. understand animal starved insatiable. apple pendulous stem harvested at its peak ripeness. fruit would ve fallen regardless. if we are what eat eve more than merely garden fall. adam wet dream cain's shadow eclipsing abel's face hisser slithering through blades cyanide pills hitler swallowed. 85000 re for generally complimentary barbara silberg veerry clever. --barbara s. he said loved me my html poems but i watched the way his eyes wandered across white space and became all straight laced about him 85001 re how could she resist barbara silberg one of your best. but the last bit is too much. my suggestion end here understand that fruit would ve fallen regardless. --barbara s. nothing was as tart and crisp upon her tongue between lips granny smith. not red delicious temptation s rarely blatant scarlet ask any man who ever caught a whiff green given chase. gift seemingly picked from tree innocently. first must believe only hungry. without hint agenda or intent clue to hidden evil contained within seeds tiny fetuses poisonous bushel consumed prove toxic lethal even depending on determined kill. still don t call blonde naked unashamed yes wholly clueless this woman tasting wakefulness savoring flavor lust light so sharp clean it blinds into skin shade buds clamped tight fists revealed flesh white ribs. bite an imprint teeth mark ravenous beast. animal starved insatiable. shape sin then roughly same size weight breast yielding in hand apple pendulous stem harvested at its peak ripeness. if we are what eat eve more than merely garden fall. adam wet dream cain's shadow eclipsing abel's face hisser slithering through blades cyanide pills hitler swallowed. 85002 the story told davidc i spit fictions in your face. m a dictionary on amphetamines. ears fill with tall tales and fire snaps crackles. we turn pages our tongues. from dark ages of lungs winged breath flutters up throat then nests ear drums. while crackles is own. smoke dances nostrils but flames sing to faces no need for amplification. my soul microphone.... 85003 re the show barbara silberg a little too much editorializing here. let your readers do some work. inline sugestions below. hope to have been of help. --barbara s. good scene is set --done so by absent minded stagehand supposed be living in sky and we vacant leaf through playbill waiting for curtain fall. or rise. you might want keep this ambiguous. amongst crowd sits bald white man chewing on his fingernail until thrill pain makes him feel bit better hedonistic rush forgets woman seated next whom he once married. she taps her finger arm rest keeps eyes thoughts son admiring cute gap turtleneck nanna got seventh birthday then imagining nightmare that awaits down road. boy points up nose he's still able produce brilliant tone not likely sings lullaby mother always sings. voice marked with wonder only child can deathless forever always. real hasn t even begun yet 85004 re for generally complimentary eduardo sound of gc rapidly tying untying his shoes 85005 re welcome gc yoly hi gc- nice to meet you. looking forward poetic exchanges. peace we're thrilled have you back around these parts 85006 re separation yoly hi ash- i was with you until the last s. suppose thought person being missed gone but few lines suggests he's just ready to go am interpreting wrong liked how this flowed then. peace any words if spoken would suggest we stop. morning punched silent by rain. wipers forgotten in dry weather smear winter road. at bridge stop unbuckle our lives climb rail. below river makes rings of rain color sweet tea. for a week wept under kitchen s yellow light circled table as grief be worn down walking. each evening stood here on loose ledge earth rushes. his eyes show he step think about things details people forget. car could change minds hour alone world. out keep what distance they can. 85007 edit re go outside and play... ryan play before you break something. an all-if-knowing child. watching the guernica die. even in a cardboard box smell like secret history or more fragmented. same old shit saves idiots plush safe he think copywrite ahh this. ahhh. well thinks it stolen from his gnarled apartment. boxing glove nail. somewhere. ignorant ar t. bring me mobil oil winged horse. horses what catastrophic-punctuation skeleton riding o soup can. twenty-seven doses of heroin lit on fire. white paint erasure tires something made entirely thorns as samos weepy-gouache-death. 85008 re separation ryan hi- i enjoyed this poem. very eerie. much looking for a reason to live. or feel. effective. just quick comment. had hard time getting past the constant mention of we our were our..etc. poem seemed overly reliant on pronouns. other than that. loved. hope rain lets up speaker. s thanks ryan. 85009 gregory vincent st. thomasino of eratio poetry the editors dear postmodern please discontinue using our board as your private playground for dysfunctional and inane behavior. go somewhere else. thank you. ooh la now this is what i call an erotic experience dreadfully delightful you dr. chernehofsky 85010 gregory vincent st. thomasino of eratio the editors dear postmodern poetry please discontinue using our board as your private playground for dysfunctional and inane behavior. go somewhere else. thank you. 85011 the game of bar iris rainbow a friend mine never discovered -- fletch. be nicey nice. as i stand here protected by my wooden cage learn to feed hungry wolves blood they long and thirst. listen their mournful cries like babe crying for his mothers breast. play hideous games so only can survive 85012 re the game of bar boj hi i thought this poem largely ineffectual. boring and redundent trope romantic language mournful...a deadly word cliche similes like a babe...a killer . last strophe showed promising twist. would probably start there. kindest regards friend mine never discovered -- fletch. be nicey nice. as stand here protected by my wooden cage learn to feed hungry wolves blood they long thirst. listen their mournful cries babe crying for his mothers breast. play hideous games so only can survive iris rainbow 85013 re the story told boj i thought this an interesting beginning to a poem...abstractions are often good starting points....but you killed me on l3 strophe 2. actually reminded of myself which is scary. abstractions. hate them. they kill life. bumper sticker. kind regards spit fictions in your face. m dictionary amphetamines. ears fill with tall tales and fire snaps crackles. we turn pages our tongues. from dark ages lungs winged breath flutters up throat then nests ear drums. while crackles own. smoke dances nostrils but flames sing faces no need for amplification. my soul microphone.... 85014 re separation boj nice ash-- interesting verb choices in s1 2. hate the wept bit s2. but then i'm an anti-romantic. i like this though...that punched silent drew me here. some grammar problems sure you'll figure them out... kindest regards any words if spoken would suggest we stop. morning by rain. wipers forgotten dry weather smear winter road. at bridge stop unbuckle our lives climb rail. below river makes rings of rain color sweet tea. for a week under kitchen s yellow light circled table as grief be worn down walking. each evening stood here on loose ledge earth thought rushes. his eyes show he ready to step think about last things details people forget. car could change minds hour alone world. out keep what distance they can. 85015 re i was too cool for comic books boj hi this is really bad writing...sorry to say. instance you have then beginning each line in from 4-7. reminded me of em forester's idea the chonology poor novels which start new action with and then. but supposed be poetry it not even self reflective enough notice what its doing or why it. short it's a list eventless moments meaningless life that could been made meaningful if writer took more care cared about language more...or something. sorry sound pompous... kindest regards books. little kid didn t play my he-man guys collected them. coins. baseball cards. while branched out into gulf war marvel comics trading lasted summer. started collecting cds. trying by listening music. smart. smart perh. rel. l. mord bite gr. smerdn s smerdal os terrible. so adj. biting stinging xi causing acute pain xii brisk vigorous xii. somewhere 12th century became popular understand things cause simultaneously capacity inflict death function health. one eats other smarts he m too. reads se 14 when got kicked outta school. revenging on readin em. im bout ta eat up whole fuckin game. yall cant fuck wit dis. rap nirvana third studio album stone temple pilots second pearl jam second. though first were me. especially bleach ur-cool smerdyakov terrible proteus icy utter dominion mother love bone decided be. 85016 re for generally complimentary boj hey this is cool am. kindest he said loved me my html poems but i watched the way his eyes wandered across white space and became all straight laced about him 85017 re mirror david ayers this scares me i'm in a bad dream. sherry thanks. is virtually the reaction that i had wanted. --d 85018 re mirror david ayers hey yeah i saw being john malkovich. that is a disturbing movie. i'm always surprised when things come out this deranged b c my thoughts are lot more orderly usually. than not i'd be perfectly happy just to tell story think but something keeps undermining the narrative. appreciate feedback. --d 85019 re how could she resist boj sorry laurel i'm a crappy reader today stopped at the fetuses because...anyway. i can't get into this and haven't clue why. mean sounds like short story or something. but again today. hope you'll let it sit see what comes outta it. most kind regards nothing was as tart crisp upon her tongue between lips that granny smith. not red delicious temptation s rarely blatant scarlet ask any man who ever caught whiff of green given chase. gift seemingly picked from tree innocently. first one must believe only hungry. without hint agenda intent to hidden evil contained within seeds tiny poisonous bushel consumed prove toxic lethal even depending on determined is kill. still don t call blonde naked unashamed yes wholly clueless woman tasting wakefulness savoring flavor lust light so sharp clean blinds bit skin shade buds clamped tight fists revealed flesh white ribs. bite an imprint teeth mark ravenous beast. understand animal starved insatiable. shape sin then roughly same size weight breast yielding in hand apple pendulous stem harvested its peak ripeness. fruit would ve fallen regardless. if we are eat eve more than merely garden fall. adam wet dream cain's shadow eclipsing abel's face hisser slithering through blades cyanide pills hitler swallowed. 85020 2 putts michael mv writer's block - ink like kryptonite green is a primary color on the wheel 85021 re how could she resist g.c. hi laurel some lovely writing here. the sense of sound in first two stanzas is exquisite esp. smith whiff gift rhyme modulating to hint hidden within. i am wholly yours at this point. more poem grinds on though less am. part a question length. it's rhetoric begs questions--i'll point out few below--that snag reader's attention. finally closing lines have agree with barbara ash these final gestures are too much quickly. they amount an attempt poet's apply meaning way poets varnish. by late either has inhered or it hasn't. last seem desperate far-fetched unconvincing. least me.... nothing was as tart and crisp upon her tongue between lips that granny smith. not red delicious temptation s rarely blatant scarlet ask any man who ever caught green given chase. seemingly picked from tree innocently. one must believe only hungry. without agenda intent clue ok little agreed enjambment very fine forcing belief itself reader before tells what in. still-- why we hungry i'm demanding philosophical treatise desire even suggesting change poem. but asking. you does rhetorical gesture accomplish will be direct say subsequent couplet complicates matters i.e. makes them worse. if then goes saying had no intent. belabor right into next stanza. think want big imperative toward go down easily can don't nod keep reading unaware exactly far assent draw. for me belabor--and language here than interesting your best--the chance give believe. reaches articulating disbelief he's gone. evil contained within seeds tiny fetuses poisonous bushel consumed prove toxic lethal depending determined kill. still don t call blonde naked unashamed yes ...as just heavy-handed. shocks can't something else tends idea cue so baldly small infant fingernails find most rest stanza anything else. we've got trope. again understand asking cut all radically compact ways enacting striptease needs time space which unfold. awkward vivid my ear. nearly lush effective those opening stanzas. clueless woman tasting wakefulness savoring flavor lust light sharp clean blinds bit skin shade buds clamped tight fists revealed flesh experience biting apple sensuous strike me. mean about sensual null well counterposed light. feel dripping chin. second half gets back both sonic power yes. white ribs. bite imprint teeth mark ravenous beast. animal starved insatiable. shape sin roughly same size weight breast yielding hand --but specific overtones violence abstract voting boar. need link abstraction animal. quite telly terms poem's themes. precisely where make sort bald before. now feels inevitable unavoidable above earned. care forepart won't strained all. pendulous stem harvested its peak ripeness. fruit would ve fallen regardless. eat eve merely garden fall. adam wet dream cain's shadow eclipsing abel's face hisser slithering through blades cyanide pills hitler swallowed. others said technicolor b-movie-land lines. sorry laurel. delicate footwork up wasted lens spirals cosmic. you've violated base narrative levels twins come later story bunker arguably different . let's up. thrilled explication represented tell show. let see taste smell apple. hear could. --wait that's thought. ripe senses engaged verily rings hmmm.... fan sentence wants end here--at opposed continuing have. comparatively slack moment rhythm going round quatrain. handle cliches know unless poet witty profound renovate new. doesn't it. beg reconsider. emotion equivalent shrug. brought highly charged material excellent effect. falls apart eat. there's cyanide. men jerks. really not. money would've regardless brainstorm. potentially haven't found ending yet. resonant terrifying beautiful walk walks darkened movie theater after having experienced brilliant moving screen. you're good enough hope mind pressing way. grin cheers gc 85022 eventless moments in a meaningless life benny profane rather tangential to the group. strung together no re- gard for language not caring even poetry. you begin with then is that joke or are really self-unreflective sorry sound and too few of realize care poetry does nothing s art cryin sham. best can doooooooooo fer stanza twooooooo like mean it man doggerel every where one stops think maybe he means it. hates language. do being belligerent. disrespect. why affect this prose tone forgot empty if shows its own emptiness some victories easy as expected fight got blown kiss. wanted poem be instead dingy affront but i ve taste besides short wish throw my voice nowise you. 85023 re eventless moments in a meaningless life boj art s not empty if it shows its own emptiness is as sat prem writes the beginning of god. all beauty found emptiness. but raving around just another person caught web. what i suggest battle. why settle for donne. jacob. perhaps to fight your god self. you think haven't thought sham ha. this poem lot more energy than last though. glad we could collaberate. friction meaning art. no kindest regards rather tangential group. strung together re- gard language caring even poetry. begin with then that joke or are really self-unreflective sorry sound and too few realize care poetry does nothing cryin sham. best can doooooooooo fer stanza twooooooo like mean man doggerel every where one stops maybe he means it. hates language. do being belligerent. disrespect. affect prose tone forgot some victories easy expected got blown kiss. wanted be instead dingy affront ve taste besides short wish throw my voice nowise you. 85024 jes tryin benny profane ise trying baby fo some friction ta save us from the emptiness of fiction. rescue honey doubt and despair to run ya here everywhere. chorus cause i aint got no voice my own but song s stuck in head. an made noplace home cept good lord dyin bed keep on say it been there all time. can t lyin knows be a crime. would tell if knew darlin don think ever will you jumped conclusions now m onna have fill. told me where beauty found re full shit. believe god or art right doin it. oh poetry slower wanna thank know better man. ask why increasingly burlesque d never thought that was sham do be-do wah yeaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh 85025 re revison afterword s jenn asher yep this is hard to get through on screen and if i feel better tomorrow damn cold i'll print it out maybe return. but here what have for you now the work me in single spaced stanzas they don't at all doubles. why i'm not sure. just a sense. father's door remains hinge. like as hinge door. fact so much may use somewhere somehow someday. that's all. know it's only an ok crit i've got tonight. 85026 re jes tryin boj ha. we should meet for coffee. i have this feeling you're just around the corner in empty library. was watching my friend's friend speak tonight and it like a sit com. mean weird how people...anyway. is board poetry so i'm supposed to crit this. basically rhythm cool use what slang. love that sort of stuff. want research summer...love cause aint got no voice own...sort subversive last line chorus 1 pretty good too. two take care ise trying baby fo some friction ta save us from emptiness fiction. rescue honey doubt despair run ya here everywhere. own but song s stuck head. an made noplace home cept lord dyin bed keep on say been there all time. can t lyin knows be crime. would tell if knew darlin don think ever will you jumped conclusions now m onna fill. told me where beauty found full shit. believe god or art right doin it. oh slower wanna thank know better man. ask why increasingly burlesque d never thought sham do be-do wah yeaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh 85027 re revison afterword s boj jenn-- thanks...for the comments. yeah its cold here too. hope you got that fence up nudge . i don't think i'm gonna riposte this though. i've finished my thesis and printed it out dis is it. want to burn now write again. ha. but maybe could point if was hard read...etc. feel so inclined. you're well pink lady - dats a compliment know. most kind regards asher yep get through on screen better tomorrow damn i'll print return. what have for work me in single spaced stanzas they at all doubles. why not sure. just sense. father's door remains hinge. like as hinge door. fact much may use somewhere somehow someday. that's all. know it's only an ok crit tonight. jenn 85029 re for generally complimentary sherry hello ms. eldon wow you're usually too tough me and i hesitate to crit. this one is quite enjoyable in its meaningful form playful direction. straightlaced word unless you broke it on purpose. s. 85030 re separation jenn ash i very much enjoyed this -- here any words if spoken would suggest we stop. but morning punched silent by rain. for a week wept under the kitchen s yellow light circled table as our grief be worn down walking. well whole thing really. couple of thoughts you. instead second 'stop' perhaps use 'pause' so close to first lessens energy and punch that first. sudden change into third person in last stanza is more than disruptive me late poem like i. begin at think only part might reworked or not even necessary it seems flat compared rest it's given ...something. anyway hour alone world. beautiful sounds throughout. congrats on ibpc. 85031 re revison afterword s jenn burn it up huh oh good -- so i can use that line then pink lady. hmm. ok. as long it's a compliment jenn-- thanks...for the comments. yeah its cold here too. hope you got fence nudge . don't think i'm gonna riposte this though. i've finished my thesis and printed out dis is it. want to now write again. ha. but maybe could point if was hard read...etc. feel inclined. you're well lady - dats know. most kind regards asher 85032 the chopping shop --- revised christopher t george i warn myself a woman can sense things casual word certain set of mouth new distance sensed not present earlier. disintegration relationship end before finish my destiny void parent to nervous future. is it too late hope one last chance would flowers help her favorite red roses little lies and big ones pinned down accumulated catalogued in lawyer's interrogatories spelled out dry room around polished table space hell where relationships are disassembled by uncaring but efficient hands. t. 85033 re revison afterword s boj ha. it is a compliment . pink. he. you can use watever lines wish my are your - burn up huh oh good -- so i that line then pink lady. hmm. ok. as long it's jenn 85034 re gregory vincent st. thomasino of eratio poetry titiana dear postmodern i'm afraid there has been a mistake who is this and what travesty justice i demand an apology please discontinue using our board as your private playground for dysfunctional inane behavior. about my post it sincere complimentary to said poet enjoyed the poem told her so go somewhere else. ah. hell. ok. but only cause you say -- mr. nefferland or . .yah. whatever btw va fan culo regards yah right ps did name was 85035 re gregory vincent st. thomasino of eratio titiana dear postmodern poetry please discontinue using our board as your private playground for dysfunctional and inane behavior. go somewhere else. thank you. the editors al i see my above comment posted under annmarie's poem you democratic spontaneity t 85036 re 2 putts ryan i like this -b c who the hell thinks about primary wheel --but isnt green a secondary color - mix of yellow blue writer's block ink kryptonite is on 85038 berele titiana yes. tis time to go. one last for youz and you knoweth who is. ze ahouztah . bo hamud bon voyage capitan may the farce be with t 85039 re berele hey no ones kicking you off. don't wurry. hannah will straighten things out. i have clue what the editor is talking about. live for troden. call me a trodlodyte. how to spell. us small peoples. kindly yours yes. tis time go. one last youz and knoweth who is. ze ahouztah . bo hamud bon voyage capitan may farce be with t 85041 re separation bowen yoly thanks for the read. what i intended was two potential pact suicide. one is beginning to back out at end other ready go. will address clarity's sake. comments. best a. hi ash- with you until last s. suppose thought person being missed gone but few lines suggests he's just go am interpreting wrong liked how this flowed then. peace 85042 re separation bowen ryan thanks for the comments. will address pronouns. again. a. hi- i enjoyed this poem. very eerie. much looking a reason to live. or feel. effective. just quick comment. had hard time getting past constant mention of we our were our..etc. poem seemed overly reliant on other than that. loved. hope rain lets up speaker. s ryan. 85044 re gregory vincent st. thomasino of eratio poetry hannah c- i've tried to clear things up...but who knows if succeeded.... email me you want and i'll explain -h 85046 re separation bowen boj thanks for the read. yes some strange verbs. i waffle on wept and also grief. they're such loaded words but like alliteration of weeks wept. read comments. a. nice ash-- interesting verb choices in s1 2. hate bit s2. then i'm an anti-romantic. this though...that punched silent drew me here. grammar problems sure you'll figure them out... kindest regards 85047 re separation bowen jenn thanks for the read and suggestions. i've reworked that last strophe based on i appreciate your taking time to comment. again. a. ash very much enjoyed this -- here any words if spoken would suggest we stop. but morning punched silent by rain. a week wept under kitchen s yellow light circled table as our grief be worn down walking. well whole thing really. couple of thoughts you. instead second 'stop' perhaps use 'pause' so close first lessens energy punch first. sudden change into third person in stanza is more than disruptive me late poem like i. begin at think only part might or not even necessary it seems flat compared rest it's given ...something. anyway hour alone world. beautiful sounds throughout. congrats ibpc. 85048 re 2 putts annmarie eldon very goood that first part could be writer's block - ink like krypto nite and at my eyes simply missed the rest 85049 porn links pills trojans worms etc do not open nm annmarie eldon 85050 how could she resist gc and the rest of y'all laurel gotta get these thoughts down as they occur to me so if it seems like i'm jumping around it's because i probably am. ravenous ape perhaps that's what was going for at least trying in using vaguer beast animal--that tension between creation evolution. won't defend my poem or i'll try not but damn know i've failed that has hugely you dear think all poem's say is men are jerks. before go on have point out your slip---you made reference abel's wet dream which goodness gracious does give whole story a other oedipal twist no grin adam sir. adam. grinds on. yikes. oh. um. here's where admit reason struck grinding wrote it. doggedly. greatly determined finish this dammit post wanted slap up board come hell high water. yeah grind result when one abandons pursuit art mere completion. begs question regarding artistic motivation inspiration been struggling with alot lately---and getting lot flak about. feel poems written---okay them---in last few months bereft art. mean by is...i from they're springing ain't some holy rarified place deep within drive need compulsion create churn poems--and perfect word. putting beans grinder then into percolator drain them flavor. nothing particularly about don't ask any such springs versus churning words guilty doing do lay gc. lost sight whatever is. above paragraph sort preface following admission purely soley you. saw you'd be again bound critted thus questioning why should produced. gain crit poet respect. more an desperate exercise woman flailing her arms hollering look ending everyone loathe---which partially expected---i'm bit disappointed folks didn't buy guess state right here say---and believe jerks---but geez got explicate own work what's ya'll aren't buying wonder worth selling. retitling seeds seeded would help all. oh my. you've given than deserves. smile now. idea. haven't felt sullied since kneeling church confession something confess. yes i'd lie during just sound really big sinner. belief line follows...you nailed myself ex-catholic well poem. want reader doubt only hungry. hungry....for knowledge....and yet there's part non-believing who thinks maybe eve scheming along bring fall. fuck god ya intentionally complicating matters. wondered anyone else heck position terms never seem choose one. fetuses shocks. hmmmm. originally unborn sons pretty lame. chose potential potentially poisonous apple seeds. cain bad seed hey gifted you---i million drafts would've those fingernails. much penance fat sin. make easy 10 hail mary's. prayer can remember. thank crit. realized now willing submit work. sure obvious fear good enough it'd laughed editors worse published readers aka poets . deeper were actually risk exposing huge fraud faker wannabe person writes poetry driven isn't especially motivated great vision. honestly writing wince. ps thanks reading commenting. always amazed so. dennis kind read see gone so-called brass ring. gc....the end every write...and read. excellent advice. gives strive for. love emerging darkened theater light analogy write loss self occurs movie. causes forget eyes moving across page brain processing suck myself. merely wish write. and......yes twins came later bunker another story---and said wouldn't explain little knowledge dangerous thing. money cut back fallen regardless brainstorm. very fine found yet. will resonant vivid terrifying beautiful same time we walk way walks movie after having experienced brilliant screen. here. you're me. 85051 now wait a minute.... g.c. well we both feel guilty. you know--or i think know--that was not trying to knock the poem in any way just there are moments where what is being said and how it's language glorious fresh content are--less fresh. part of difficulty lies subject matter get less than this west though i'm by means suggesting all shouldn't try mechanics poem. point up those weak so that might if want revise them toward perfection best exhibit. ravenous ape perhaps because that's going for at least using vaguer beast animal--that tension between creation evolution. yes indeedy. however as say below you're buying into whole christian blbical myth. therefore neither nor has stick exclusively with established script....for which reason would suggest almost anything but ape. your call though. often trust reader. anyone attentive who writing english will certain resonances via context. whoa narrative won't defend my or i'll damn know i've failed hugely dear gc poem's men jerks. before go on have out slip---you made reference abel's wet dream goodness gracious does give story other oedipal twist no grin adam sir. adam. thought lines read their most obvious reductive saying felt weaker here drawn reading. us another direction you'll do better. able's let's even . jerks axiomatic. me one. grinds on. yikes. oh. um. here's admit it probably struck grinding wrote it. doggedly. greatly determined finish dammit post wanted slap board come hell high water. yeah grind result when one abandons pursuit art mere completion. begs question regarding artistic motivation inspiration been struggling alot lately---and getting lot flak about. like poems written---okay them---in last few months bereft art. mean is...i from they're springing ain't some holy rarified place deep within drive need compulsion create churn poems--and perfect word. putting beans grinder then percolator drain flavor. nothing particularly about don't ask thoughts such springs versus churning words guilty doing lay gc. lost sight whatever is. 1 very infelicitous choice verbs apologize 2 better poetry concerned. own experience sometimes muse active s he's not. human lots constructive ways react latter housecleaning taking walk volunteer work. poets be good people. generally. poet only deal lack keep writing. people writes right through blocks. produce intervals pure dreck course keeps flowing--keeps mind casting end doesn't matter. spells manage glittering artifact you--to heart cold--and yet rewards others. goldbeater's skin poems. always amazes them--and there's particular name it--moves day much me. can't withou thinking desperate cry writer's block. nobody else reads way. back meant points moves ahead less-than-memorable rhetorical devices tired tropes governing myth rather vigorous sensual language. fully reimagining thing. autopilot. rely above paragraph sort preface following admission purely soley you. saw you'd again bound critted thus questioning why should produced. gain crit respect. more an exercise woman flailing her arms hollering look flattered doubly abashed. write every comes mind--even annoy grandmother believe richard hugo once said. grandmothers dead i.e. pre-annoyed. post-. depending theology. ultimately written exists wholly outside initiating intention. beauty all. can turn spur moment mercenary reasons talented indeed. forget ending everyone seems loathe---which partially expected---i'm bit disappointed folks didn't buy guess could state say---and jerks---but geez got explicate work what's ya'll aren't gotta wonder worth selling. retitling seeds seeded help working stretch base cain abel hitler while makes logical sense original sin happens too quickly. we're prepared we've suddenly left host tossed intimation dangling. sudden works case move heavily freighted another. limber. worked make resonant. oh my. you've given deserves. smile now. idea. haven't sullied since kneeling church confession something confess. i'd lie during sound really big sinner. bet boys.... belief line follows...you nailed myself ex-catholic reader doubt she hungry. hungry....for knowledge....and non-believing thinks maybe eve scheming along bring fall. fuck god ya intentionally complicating matters. wondered heck position terms never seem choose interesting keeping front this. ploy sorry draft must ploy--different distraction implying along. inherent yet.... interested am turns be. definitely experiment import fetuses shocks. hmmmm. originally unborn sons pretty lame. chose potential potentially poisonous apple seeds. bad seed hey gifted you---i million drafts would've fingernails. problem advanced form thematically narratively appropriate trouble after loaded word brings down audible thump. closer mark indeed evoke store poor were vivid surprising access newborn they borrowed local hospital take infant quite something. stop business gifted. push far go. penance fat sin. easy 10 hail mary's. prayer remember. sounds claim sorry. please excuse. sayin'. thank crit. realized willing submit sure fear enough it'd laughed editors worse published readers aka deeper actually risk exposing huge fraud faker wannabe person driven isn't especially motivated great vision. honestly wince. laurel c'mon none enough. correct poles comparison shakespeare hand whoever personal void other. fall somewhere between. skill 90 time terrible fraud. joking here. glad mid-to-late 1990s mostly regional journals find its internet. did. exactly ashamed different models etc. ten years same recent work....again belabor fact true relevant else's including editors'. grand vision laurel. b c extent existential condition human. ps thanks reading commenting. amazed so. dennis kind see gone so-called brass ring. listening fearful sending listen dennis. later shuts failure critiquer. gc....the write...and read. excellent advice. gives strive for. love emerging darkened theater light analogy loss self occurs movie. causes eyes moving across page brain processing suck myself. merely wish write. consider creating effect others thing feeling yourself. these may mutually exclusive conditions. and......yes twins came bunker story---and wouldn't explain little knowledge dangerous --at holds fairly orthodox catholic view. there. structural idea many things sorry--the received concerning contains. shake preconceived ideas. thinking. whether hungry did had talking lilith wind bunker. work--more poem--to manner consummate strategies material's demands. --gc p.s. transliteration cast characters without eva b. implication point--but insist drawing connection. diptych kill our children save chilling that. possibility say. 85053 re and i alone escaped to tell thee geoff re. yes mea culpa enjoyed this a great deal. bad sign perhaps. you know rather liked betty. she lets strangers watch the soaps. note. george fixed screen . best when desperate stranger dishevelled wielding an axe hacks through screens into my kitchen promised fix sometime fear no evil. crisply call out rex appears better be good betty boop 'cause soaps come on pronto man lowers his or one he borrowed says your attack dog talks well always said was quick but nobody listens me say knows karate at point harry police chief old friend of family begins feel migraine kicking in. what happened next our sovereign state requires apprehend guys maybe charge them. both troop living room.- are central where from. served hot buttered corn without salt butter some no-cal brews. oh name fred. that's not wanted talk about... leone 85054 re the game of bar geoff re. for myra rainbow. this has a song quality that i enjoy. it is not too strong on development however and last part could be anything say else. suggests piece focused something central to writer. sort shame. best p.s. hello alvin moondust when he gets out poky. as stand here protected by my wooden cage learn feed hungry wolves blood they long thirst. listen their mournful cries like babe crying his mothers breast. play hideous games so only can survive iris rainbow 85055 re berele geoff re. berele. for alias999 i think you confuse this with the graffiti section over by toilets. best 85056 re edit go outside and play... g.c. my you people are so quick to your poems. laurel has just amputated the end of her eve poem as i was starting get interested in keeping bunker around after all.... ahem. hi ryan it's nice meet you. you're new since last wandered these cyberhalls. dennis this is cue quit reading. now. really like play with language sense a speaker who's neither entirely trustworthy nor safe. one those poems that follows down street either because it wants into dark alley assault or think ultimately doesn't tip its hand--in terms intent--and too. before break something. an all-if-knowing child. watching guernica die. even cardboard box smell secret history more fragmented. what lovely opening. move from title evocations anyone's childhood completely different take on ominiscient childhood. omniscience implies dire knowledge complicity guernica. also at least if know everything then by logical extension things other don't know. dunno ryan--i stanza fully realized very smart deeply troubling. told not keep only question minor quibble i.e. why love idea painting die through second- third-hand actual violence . do need further reify act i'm sure though much matter idiosyncratic taste part reader's. call absolutely. same old shit saves idiots plush safe he copywrite about this. confess never fan casual scatalogical--but may well be own limitations taste. keeps me having any feel for ginsburg among side effects. work doing. interesting but post-avant feyness can't parse it. am doing there assume actually mean copyright. say there's anything wrong gesture isn't clear some here--a briefer gesture--to bridge between first third stanzas. were me--my poem--i would experiment options reserving right return one. ahh ahhh. thinks stolen his gnarled apartment. boxing glove nail. somewhere. ignorant ar t. bring mobil oil winged horse. horses else steal apartment horse could. delivers both us. bit less than here seems easy. thing art ignorant. catastrophic-punctuation skeleton riding o soup can. ok baiting me. warhol indeed way second short needed yes suppose reservations mainly which sensual blank otherwise quirkily indigestible lump diction. --that said catastrophic punctuation we make done language. want when telling us lies near heart poem. wish felicitous catstrophic punctuation. twenty-seven doses heroin lit fire. white paint erasure tires something made thorns major misgiving commas seem affected esp. point care fire either. lightly slender already quivering stray resonance. latter two lines. samos weepy-gouache-death. parsing ryan. weepy-gouache-death maybe ending could have. clue will have moved now picasso basquiat we're excellent place indeed. ways odd cross basquiat's texts poetry largely successful overly rely himself inspiration rubric case might able come up resonant line shouldn't one-liner all. needs room unfold sum wonderful strange moments here. few changes explore possibilities weepy-goache-death. performing high-wire act--just basquiat--and every moment good best moments. can manage you'll small masterpiece. thoughts only. others dislike sort intensely. brought lot pleasure though. despite non-standard opacity does say--something serious irreducible--about often lethal relationships human life. connects two. --gc 85057 re separation geoff re. for bowen be it proven beyond all doubt that one may construct a poem out of mournful tone series totally generic verbs and number adjectival phrases violent observation. what is not established however the reader possibly gets an urge to write just sittin' whittlin' any words if spoken would suggest we stop. but this morning punched silent by rain. wipers forgotten in dry weather smear winter road. at bridge stop unbuckle our lives climb rail. below river makes rings rain color sweet tea. week wept under kitchen s yellow light circled table as grief worn down walking. each evening stood here on loose ledge earth thought rushes. his eyes show he ready step i think about last things details people forget. car could change minds hour alone world. keep distance they can. 85058 father forgive me for i have sinned.... laurel i've managed to make gc feel guilty which in no way shape or form was ever my intent. don't think hail mary's are gonna do the trick this instance so c'mon with bolts of lightning. smile geez gc....you understand you that that's how i'm wired see a word like grind and run it anything can construe as negative all over. is june bug baby duck. only realized after posted response i'd breezed right over positive things others had say about poem. academic advisor thought nuts when told him didn't a's were actual really earned one them. gc. look an straight face it's b. grin thankful deeply time attention you've given beating poem up at all. please too busy myself are. i'll respond your later. gotta exercise. been sitting front computer damned long already. ps listening doesn't fearful makes fearful. matter what heck anyone else says work---if believe good enough---and never beginning wonder if will be--then why submit 85059 the port authority terminal geoff at . midnight. long distance buses have left soon last interstate follows. jersey is closed for good tonight unless you walk hudson river bridge. an old man sits on one of few seats staring into space. his silence graven in stone not temporary. holds four identical advertisements he shuffles exactly like playing cards over and again. cannot stop this backstage chaos disharmony a reality that says it works. no more necessary beside him short fat sleeps improbably bent half head near bulging belly. how can anyone sleep does snore -- perhaps only solution later when laughing policemen haul big cuban cuffs will hide scuttle away. effect young men's laughter repels as light shining eyes diner-market attracts another who haunts its entrance. bearded paces sentry duty mumbling passionately to himself. rows plants flowers inside set off columbian chiquitas great beauty heartlessness run store eighteen hours day seven days week including christmas thanksgiving half-past. leaves. two men totally swallowed up private conversation speaking unknown tongue remove their coffee elsewhere world cleaners drive vast brushes sweep clean floor. police begin inspect corners toilets seal entrances. market lights go out unaware past was most important lives sturdy women lock still chatting away reciting pasts presents futures if they were selling markets bogota or medellin leone 85060 mapping the furnace room asher i. when he was a child had passion for house earth archaeology de stratifying and stratifying. imagining maps in his cobbled mind. walked around block with question mind that been forged of house. like who am i here upon arriving at same point would blaze up. an inflammatory went to fill pitcher distilled water clambered over mountain photo albums arrive distiller one my little brother s dreams back thunder bay. terrified absent place buried gable. dream. this add another scale already bat-like existence where stumbling as walking through heat place. if kept oneself open long either sear them or cold make bones release stories. way there be we picture newspaper clipping dad topping class pakistan but never getting job because wasn t white enough pakistan. no gentleman bric brac from britain old clocks telephones. floor uninviting were skis imaginary mountains soon objects could yearn absence have independent life doors closed those opening hinge unhinge dogs still run their paws twitched die it did fight realization landscape vast atom disappearance into tropics. love white. act our parts slightly change names lost letters now are living unhinged is kill you. modulated by thermostat invite guests fuse choked light fire. drive fires prove ourselves. win lotteries even though winners feudalists. least father coming feudal ethos. tell mother spend money on groceries her walk 3 miles carry back. possibility divorce. she whiten able find job. ii. secret hate past. arrived having left. always leave door past bullock cart servant congenial conversations room. grammar words children figure. taught mater tongue. tongued weaned hut india charred side air without mountain. scattered clothes dead whose name must archive some point. each twisting winding now. space auditory clacking hinges humming morning bamboo frames somewhere else mackerel slipping fingers father's childhood. sugar cane clattering hexing sentence move remembered. word dismembered new member family. plates underneath quake cleave forge signature again. shift canada. anywhere. iv. says something should more wrinkle desired immortality before noble intensions send home visited disowned part me landed nowhere became busy so told someone people imagined successful. son useless. useless all ever wanted do him something. what will 1947 child. gave speech formation country--pakistan. grow old. killed hindu. remember. think may thrown knife indus. indus testify . eats away shore autoimmune disease. bodies mouth train jalandhar amritsar. confusion tried get shot leg dangling off platform. these por traits draped linen snow covers tracks detour unwalk unwalking mean backwards let melt ll feet. winged perhaps. 85061 re edit go outside and play... ryan thank you so much for all those wonderful insights - no doubt it will help me in how i approach my next piece of writing. truly an honor to read your response -ryan 85062 re separation bowen gee geoff i don't know. you'll have to answer that question for youself. sorry we didn't a love connection on this one. re. be it proven beyond all doubt one may construct poem out of mournful tone series totally generic verbs and number adjectival phrases violent observation. what is not established however the reader possibly gets an urge write just sittin' whittlin' 85063 re separation rick finally a piece i cam understand in my opinion great thoughts and well written. very relatable for me. thanks -rick any words if spoken would suggest we stop. but this morning punched silent by rain. wipers forgotten dry weather smear the winter road. at bridge stop unbuckle our lives climb rail. below river makes rings of rain color sweet tea. week wept under kitchen s yellow light circled table as grief be worn down walking. each evening stood here on loose ledge earth thought rushes. his eyes show he ready to step think about last things details people forget. car could change minds hour alone world. out keep what distance they can. 85064 re separation bowen rick thanks for the kind words. much appreciated. best a. finally a piece i cam understand in my opinion great thoughts and well written. very relatable me. -rick 85065 re the port authority terminal bowen this piece has every expected verb i think i've seen in a single poem to date on board. police inspect and seal. you walk shuffles like playing cards hide his he paces ... sentry lights go out et al addition being nothing but chopped prose cliches e.g. unknown tongue do little get off ground. lines young men's laughter repels him exactly as light shining eyes are only ones that approach poetry. it's becoming obvious me stakes have be high. what's at stake hard your critiques you'd apply some of critical eye own pieces. that's beside point. a. . midnight. long distance buses left soon last interstate follows. jersey is closed for good tonight unless hudson river bridge. an old man sits one few seats staring into space. silence graven stone not temporary. holds four identical advertisements over again. cannot stop backstage chaos disharmony reality says it works. no more necessary short fat sleeps improbably bent half head near bulging belly. how can anyone sleep does snore -- perhaps solution later when laughing policemen haul big cuban cuffs will scuttle away. effect diner-market attracts another who haunts its entrance. bearded duty mumbling passionately himself. rows plants flowers inside set columbian chiquitas great beauty heartlessness run store eighteen hours day seven days week including christmas thanksgiving half-past. leaves. two men totally swallowed up private conversation speaking remove their coffee elsewhere world cleaners drive vast brushes sweep clean floor. begin corners toilets seal entrances. market unaware past was most important lives sturdy women lock still chatting away reciting pasts presents futures if they were selling markets bogota or medellin geoff leone 85066 re 2 putts g.c. more writer's block is it that time of year this sparse. annmarie's idea enjambing krypto- nite very smart though would change the poem just a bit tonally. i have two basic thoughts. first as now stands diptych doesn't really make sense to me can't move back and forth with any kind interpretive between these stanzas or nuggets. color vs. mineral it's an odd juxtaposition. read find myself wanting consist wholly second stanza. if stanza remain think cut ink. dunno michael--i'm meta anybody but poems about writing in case not get pretty dicey for me. were mine streamline motion by simply moving directly from title like kryptonite night --and then rest. i'm asking left-justified what work exactly do you offset performing definitely eye-swipe one can miss entirely yes . i've got some ideas all white space could be doing--either draft potentially well not. interested inherent factor your own process led choice. --gc 85067 re the port authority terminal g.c. ah geoff. it's been awhile. i have to say that agree with bowen concerning verbs in this poem. they've never your strong point and really wish you'd work harder vivify them. they act as weak links chain of associations narrative moments impressions generally constitute poems. there's a palpable loss linguistic energy at almost every verb. short poem is problem. long or longer fatal. it seems me less about than providing carefully selected set sort urban noir slideshow. for works best when offers quick vivid flash cut either scenery speaker's perspective. midnight. distance buses left soon last interstate follows. jersey closed good tonight unless you walk hudson river bridge. first three lines like lot midnight not sharpest beginning but following long-distance ahve unexpected follows very fresh. too. would argue against fourth line on two counts. rhetorical move make poems often case weakens what's come before by unnecessarily qualifying it. true one can bridge reopen that's relevant stake stanza better both its own context without qualification....second immediate qualification undercuts statement previous again my thinking. an old man sits few seats staring into space. his silence graven stone temporary. holds four identical advertisements he shuffles exactly playing cards over again. cannot stop space egregious cliche. nor writing here all. where are we these describe more vividly why can't directly action identifical cards. essential gesture. no backstage chaos disharmony reality says works. necessary death abstraction. if want suggest simply then let reader do some figuring out what don't being told nature particular backstage. meaning think explaining backstage--as 2-3 stanza--you bowdlerize narrow potentiality figure-- --unnecessarily. dunno always allow possibility might ultimately mean mean. explanatory provide moment clarity any also reduce reader's capacity enlarge upon writer originally intended. latter instances. beside him fat sleeps improbably bent half head near bulging belly. how anyone sleep does snore -- perhaps only solution i'm allergic questions because tend throw asking her pause second guess question . give rash sure they're necessary. description just isn't you've around enough written know this. later laughing policemen haul big cuban cuffs will hide scuttle away. effect young men's laughter repels light shining eyes hmmm. specificity cuffed cuban. reference later. getting anything eyes. spite simile is. important gesture blank. diner-market attracts another who haunts entrance. bearded paces sentry duty mumbling passionately himself. rows plants flowers inside off extra from central casting question. feel has stalled. motion information commit impart columbian chiquitas great beauty heartlessness run store eighteen hours day seven days week including christmas thanksgiving tell us beautiful. show us. half-past. leaves. men totally swallowed up private conversation speaking unknown tongue remove their coffee elsewhere world repeating liked doesn't help refreshen trope poem...and cliche used way...and hear conversation...and odd clinically detached verb...and makes wonder whether poet trustworthy guide...and cosmically vague. sorry. obviously doing much either. cleaners drive vast brushes sweep clean floor. police begin inspect corners toilets seal entrances. market lights go floor floor-cleaners inspectors dramatize unaware past was most lives sturdy women lock still chatting away reciting pasts presents futures were selling markets bogota medellin leap towards cosmic relevance work. failed--not entirely several key moments--to create emotional resonance terms characters setting introduced so resorts b fact. tell. you're wittgenstein pretty consistent rubric keep mind. beyond see scene means descriptive apparently saying--he knows --but bother final association interesting suggesting women's ethnicity supposed leave reader. geoff could be enthusiastic. nice moments--esp. opening--this far strongest especially disappointed lackluster description. back through rewrite aspect description--and ask implied observer recording pax gc 85068 china town draft 1 asher yes there was consolidation in winter--canadian winter perhaps. we are a place that is arctic white snow mobiling perhaps-- along side driveways roiling cloud of exhaust. the plow hasn't come alongside lonely man and cleaver. ha. shrunken pashmina scarf on edge driveway blown off by child's breath already her an iguana with red cheeks cherry for nose child i mean my daughter. you could almost say or snowman were living yard fenced wrought iron. she wanders paper to ease writer--to through paragraph unthinking this has cherries cheeks. likeness rum mixed egg nog. rain sops spiny umbrella. walk loose wind lake absentminded landscape tug from liking...on dundas street absent bench where met father waves clambering up granite. green tea sponge cake dipped seaming water. here can meet him again recite iqbal accents cannot hear world armoire globe pollen sniffle. grown black mind cardinal crooked branch. backward be startled all rotting. so long decayed rock these tombs wipers frozen gasoline moody move even as car stops jolt forward not painting. bowing teeny bed bug eats corpuscle at town. buffeting back avalanche beside me. hang old god but restless cracked like skull dreaming body departed haunt me man's street. 85069 draft 2 asher china town yes there was consolidation in winter--canadian winter perhaps. we are a place that is arctic white snow mobiling perhaps-- along side driveways roiling cloud of exhaust dundas steet. the plow hasn't come alongside lonely man and cleaver. ha. shrunken pashmina scarf on edge driveway blown off by child's breath already her an iguana with red cheeks cherry for nose child i mean my daughter. you could almost say or snowman were living yard fenced wrought iron. she wanders paper plows through paragraph unthinking as if to this your has cherries cheeks. likeness rum mixed egg nog. rain sops spiny umbrella. walk loose wind lake absentminded landscape waves clambering up granite. tug from liking...on street absent bench where met father. green tea sponge cake dipped seaming water. here can meet him again recite iqbal accents cannot hear world armoire kensington market ragweed pollen sniffle. grown black mind cardinal crooked juniper branch. backward be darned all rotting. effeminate rocking these mausoleums wipers frozen gasoline moody move even car stops jolt forward buckled--this not painting. bowing teeny bed bug eats corpuscle twin at town. buffeting avalanche around me. hang back old god but birch restless cracked like skull dreaming body departed man's street. 85070 final draft asher sorry last there shouldn't be any strophe breaks or weird line china town yes was consolidation in winter--canadian winter perhaps. we are a place that is arctic white snow mobiling perhaps-- along side driveways roiling cloud of exhaust dundas steet. the plow hasn't come alongside lonely man and cleaver. ha. shrunken pashmina scarf on edge driveway blown off by child's breath already her an iguana with red cheeks cherry for nose--the child i mean my daughter. you could almost say snowman were living yard fenced wrought iron. she wanders paper plows through paragraph unthinking as if to this your has cherries cheeks. likeness rum mixed egg nog. rain sops spiny umbrella.i walk loose wind lake ontario absentminded landscape waves clambering up granite. tug from liking...on street absent bench where met father. green tea sponge cake dipped seaming water. here can meet him again he recites iqbal accents cannot hear. world armoire kensington market ragweed pollen sniffle. grown black mind cardinal crooked juniper branch. backwards darned all rotting. effeminate rocks these mausoleums perhaps wipers frozen gasoline moody move even car stops--jolts forward buckled not painting. bowing teeny bed bug eats corpuscle twin at town. buffeting avalanche around younge street. hang back old god but birch restless cracked like skull dreaming body departed chinaman's 85071 final draft 2 boj china town yes there was consolidation in winter--canadian winter perhaps. we are a place that is arctic white snow mobiling perhaps-- along side driveways roiling cloud of exhaust dundas steet. the plow hasn't come alongside lonely man and cleaver. ha. shrunken pashmina scarf on edge driveway blown off by child's breath already her an iguana with red cheeks cherry for nose--the child i mean my daughter. you could almost say or snowman were living yard fenced wrought iron. she wanders paper plows through paragraph unthinking as if to this your has cherries cheeks. likeness rum mixed egg nog. rain sops spiny umbrella. walk loose wind lake ontario absentminded landscape waves clambering up granite. tug from liking...on street absent bench where met father. green tea sponge cake dipped seaming water. here can meet him again he recites iqbal accents cannot hear. world armoire kensington market ragweed pollen sniffle. grown black mind cardinal crooked juniper branch. backwards be darned all rotting. effeminate rocks these mausoleums perhaps wipers frozen gasoline moody move even car stops--jolts forward buckled not e.car painting. bowing teeny bed bug eats corpuscle twin at town. buffeting avalanche around younge street. hang back old god but birch restless cracked like skull dreaming body departed man's 85072 re berele titiana no ones kicking you off. don't wurry. hannah will straighten things out. i have clue what the editor is talking about. live for troden. call me a trodlodyte. how to spell. us small peoples. kindly yours hey hehe thanks your support. truth -- really did need some sort of impetus get meself off boards even if it took getting mixed up in mess idea referring to. and well i'm tired intrigue guess hope my copping out won't give impression guilt. done nothing wrong. quite sure that. but it's time go regardless. just wanted thank all wonderful poets here lot reading especially annmarie asher bowen guy with bracket titles forget yor name sorry so many others you'll forgive senility peace t 85073 re berele titiana re. berele. for alias999 i think you confuse this with the graffiti section over by toilets. best geoff dear just might be right about that take care peace is not alex btw t 85074 re berele asher hey i'm hey-- no ones kicking you off for gawds sake. we love the editor doesn't know what he's talking about. you've contributed lots to this board and have many people support you. i couldn't care less if were mad. mad people. god damn myself. he kicks then listen is not rhetorically persuasive. but less. don't worry. ha. think would try kill sufic lovers. hehe thanks your support. truth -- really did need some sort of impetus get meself boards even it took getting mixed up in mess idea referring to. well tired intrigue guess hope my copping out won't give impression guilt. done nothing wrong. quite sure that. it's time me go regardless. just wanted thank all wonderful poets here a lot reading especially annmarie bowen guy with bracket titles forget yor name sorry so others you'll forgive senility peace t 85075 re berele titiana hey i'm hey-- no ones kicking you off for gawds sake. we love the editor doesn't know what he's talking about. you've contributed lots to this board and have many people support you. i couldn't care less if were mad. mad people. god damn myself. he kicks then listen is not rhetorically persuasive. but less. don't worry. dear asher a genuine gentleman confession really see. just play part -- quite well must admit anyway. too real i'd ask marry me right now on very spot one condition do how make good chapati that spell it t ha. think would try kill sufic lovers. 85076 re berele asher t-- for god's sake then let's make some babies. ha - i know you're not crazy zany. like that and as the chapatis which can't spell . used to work in a south indian restaurant so can dosais ha. golden with ghee crisp enough become soggy an hour later but neither were they hard cookies. adorned wisp of corriander coconut chutney. idliiiiiiiiiiis. idlis. my god. india. would go back just idliiiiiiis. could eat them all life every day. here i've been killing myself burgers when was vegetarian last year. fell through ceiling this you wouldn't marry me i'm currently completely neurotic plan on undoing various knots got tied into. lord. think monk at heart. marriage be good send email we'll discuss vegas...aghaffer uwo.ca really. that's how zany we be. ag 85077 re for generally complimentary laurel i've read this several times now and every time i come to the line about watching his eyes wander across your white space smile. smile again when reach straightlaced. think that's a good thing no poem that manages make me not once but twice. meanwhile what love wandering reason it makes is i'm actually engaged in described action as line---my are space. snappy annemarie. oh then gc's comment made went back yet again....and saw how yes reading was like lacing shoe. he said loved my html poems watched way wandered became all straight laced him 85078 re the port authority terminal asher hi geoff-- i like monotone voices at times--and this poem strikes me as having lines that are deadpan...which could be good if you had a reason to dead pan. don't mean diss.your gift it seems is pan voice find utterly engaging. everything fall on down beat think or something. i'm in agreement about ineffectual rhetorical turns. third strophe highly for me...as its spelling out tropes...i never got passed point. anyway have quota of crits do b c posted poems so just dropped in. sorry none helpful. kindest regards ag . midnight. long distance buses left soon last interstate follows. jersey closed tonight unless walk hudson river bridge. an old man sits one few seats staring into space. his silence graven stone not temporary. holds four identical advertisements he shuffles exactly playing cards over and again. cannot stop backstage chaos disharmony reality says works. no more necessary beside him short fat sleeps improbably bent half head near bulging belly. how can anyone sleep does snore -- perhaps only solution later when laughing policemen haul big cuban cuffs will hide scuttle away. effect young men's laughter repels light shining eyes diner-market attracts another who haunts entrance. bearded paces sentry duty mumbling passionately himself. rows plants flowers inside set off columbian chiquitas great beauty heartlessness run store eighteen hours day seven days week including christmas thanksgiving half-past. leaves. two men totally swallowed up private conversation speaking unknown tongue remove their coffee elsewhere world cleaners drive vast brushes sweep clean floor. police begin inspect corners toilets seal entrances. market lights go unaware past was most important lives sturdy women lock still chatting away reciting pasts presents futures they were selling markets bogota medellin geoff leone 85079 this is not your life laurel the air always restless here. blue glass clinks in breeze as a woman pins sheets to summer. mother's shadow flaps and like wing. she curses dust wind balances basket on her hip tells you it's time for dinner but ignore her. distance crow caws tree no one listens. child can drown puddle when one's looking. turns head says come in. can't remember little brother's name still recall silent kicking of legs even after sharp edges corn husks blur blades grass merge sky blackens. forget road out here orange. every morning you're born into night. house strange new world compass. east tea pot's hiss. west clop creak horse carriage. south at back threshold just tripped over again. north silence contained within breath held watching son cry mama catch grasshopper hopping across floor drop it apron pocket say i hear too. we emerge if from dark womb light so bright sudden that we're temporarily blinded. drive home stunned survivors surprised alive. tomorrow you'll hold my wrist neck wine bottle about pour. eyes squeezed shut tell me i'm beautiful. then insist gather coke bottles hang them cherry right now. 85080 re this is not your life jack m laurel an ambitious poem. it's good. i think the transition between watching her son cry out which strikes me as untrue or questionable because of sensory confusion and hearing that we emerge... memory into light might need just a little juggling different word two. like grasshopper but it comes nowhere even in its likeable-ness. i've placed few suggestions text. guess other thing both right wrong aren't wishy washy drowning kicking legs somehow doesn't quite come across dream meant to be w context moment s if you can make sense i'm glad. sorry so opaque-ish. hope some helps somehow. yours air always remains restless here. blue glass clinks breeze woman pins sheets summer. mother's shadow flaps wing. she curses dust wind balances basket on hip tells time for dinner ignore her. distant tree crow caws no one else listens. child drown puddle when one's looking. turns head says in. can't remember brother's name still recall silent after sharp edges corn husks blur blades grass merge sky blackens. every morning you're born night. forget road here orange. house strange new world compass. east tea pot's hiss. west clop creak horse carriage. south at back threshold tripped over again. north silence contained within breath held mama catch hopping floor drop apron pocket say hear too. emerge from dark womb bright sudden we're temporarily blinded. drive home stunned survivors surprised alive. tomorrow you'll hold my wrist neck wine bottle about pour. eyes squeezed shut tell beautiful. then insist gather coke bottles hang them cherry now. 85081 re the port authority terminal jack m geoff an exercise i've always liked especially when i'm trying to shake up something that everybody else is telling me too prosey where you shuffle lines of poem see what interesting associations can be created last line gets inserted after first second etc. i started do it with this poem. course some syntax and punctuation need normalized in cases just doesn't seem working but might give ideas for revision. at midnight. long distance buses have left markets bogota or medellin soon interstate follows. as if they were selling flowers jersey closed good tonight presents futures exactly unless walk hudson river bridge. still chatting away reciting their pasts old man sits on one few seats two sturdy women lock staring into space. his silence was most important lives graven stone not temporary. unaware day past holds four identical advertisements market lights go out he shuffles like playing cards toilets seal entrances. over again. cannot stop backstage police begin inspect corners chaos disharmony sweep clean great floor. a reality says works. only cleaners drive vast brushes no more necessary beside him short fat sleeps improbably bent half head near bulging belly. how anyone sleep does snore -- perhaps solution later laughing policemen haul big cuban cuffs will hide scuttle away. effect young men's laughter repels light shining eyes diner-market attracts another who haunts its entrance. bearded paces sentry duty mumbling passionately himself. rows plants inside set off columbian chiquitas beauty heartlessness run store eighteen hours seven days week including christmas thanksgiving half-past. leaves. men totally swallowed private conversation speaking unknown tongue remove coffee elsewhere world . leone 85083 re gregory vincent st. thomasino of eratio poetry christopher t george i'm afraid there has been a mistake who is this and what travesty justice i demand an apology it sincere complimentary to said poet enjoyed the poem told her so go somewhere else. ah. hell. ok. but only cause you say -- mr. nefferland or . .yah. whatever btw va fan culo regards yah right ps did your name was might suggest if just posted under one instead screwing around with identity not evoke such reaction. chris 85084 separtion major redux bowen separation words suggest what distance they can. but this morning we re quieted driving beside the river road. for a week walked under kitchen of world above rushes rehearsing yellow light circling table as if our ache could forget. were worn by walking car on road change minds out here people hang themselves loose ledge compassion. wipers smear winter at bridge stop unbuckle lives climb rail. 85085 re final draft bowen asher i'm not sure if i know what to make of this. read it and interested but sort left thinking yeah so. hate say that because it's no help. wonder you could put in a little surprise instead father my father. would offer difference being very helpful maybe this is so dense having hard time connecting with it. don't know. really want be ... typically enjoy your work while did too seemed bulky take rambling i'll stop. seeing becomes best a. sorry last there shouldn't any strophe breaks or weird line china town yes was consolidation winter--canadian winter perhaps. we are place arctic white snow mobiling perhaps-- along side driveways roiling cloud exhaust dundas steet. the plow hasn't come alongside lonely man cleaver. ha. shrunken pashmina scarf on edge driveway blown off by child's breath already her an iguana red cheeks cherry for nose--the child mean daughter. almost snowman were living yard fenced wrought iron. she wanders paper plows through paragraph unthinking as has cherries cheeks. likeness rum mixed egg nog. rain sops spiny umbrella.i walk loose wind lake ontario absentminded landscape waves clambering up granite. tug from liking...on street absent bench where met green tea sponge cake dipped seaming water. here can meet him again he recites iqbal accents cannot hear. world armoire kensington market ragweed pollen sniffle. grown black mind cardinal crooked juniper branch. backwards darned all rotting. effeminate rocks these mausoleums perhaps wipers frozen gasoline moody move even car stops--jolts forward buckled painting. bowing teeny bed bug eats corpuscle twin at town. buffeting avalanche around younge street. hang back old god birch restless cracked like skull dreaming body departed chinaman's 85087 re separtion major redux hannah ash- i ve seen so much of your stuff recently and many revisions they all started to blend into one giant poem like this though sort in the ethan frome genre but a few key language moments walking under kitchen yellow light provide an entrance image that resounds enough be memorable. think s greatest potential for failure is way it tends open at ends lines thoughts varying degrees abstraction. say although course have no heartfelt hatred abstraction---but just because seems my ear push very hard towards big meaning let me find example ok circling table as if our ache could forget. we move from specific metaphor ache. same time you actually undercut part line works metaphorically suggests certainly avoidance repetition. walk world when heart place where goes sustenance. faces necessarily other person. aren t sitting down circling. beneath it. complex enough. d know more m interested seeing how sustain distance word-lack silence face decision. then bust out wrong weaker word tries categorize what given us with subtlety. why wants forget isn people want or do mean desire any case maybe can see loosens itself vagueness instead tightening up completing allegory kitchen. thing happens again loose ledge compassion. weakness poem. else interesting tighten often remove its descriptive detouring language. which suppose fine need those detours narrative some cosmogeny literally. left strip sweet-tea rings on mostly didactic pronouncing while true depends these carry storyline chronology etc fun somewhat stripped too. narrator telling inside characters are quieted come back to. kitchen-of-the-world image. anyway. two cents. take leave like. -h 85088 re the story told hannah david- well i admire your ability to generate and stick with one metaphorical structure for poem. still think main thrust of this poem is largely unresolved. moving from an idea falsehood falsity performance spit fictions ears fill tall tales increasingly purple description words as generatively soul-bound authentic utterly of-the-self don t know. a lot lost in that progression by end can no longer determine what you meant do first strophe. structurally could benefit better enjambment reduction clich fire snaps crackles not just once but twice. eep. smoke dances. flames sing. stronger noun verb pairings modifiers etc etc. it s hard me unlace metaphor whether sort farenheit 451 moment or something else seems be misleading distracting element authenticity importance our story. but. really know is. fire. pages. soul has all .as result ultimately fails me. -h 85089 re this is not your life laurel ain't nothing opaque-ish about crit sir. grin the poem's a bit opaque though no i'm sure that it accurately conveys what i was attempting to convey but really didn't want be explicit. grasshopper could just as well have been cricket and did vacillate on detail. all of details are gleaned from ray which watched or tried watch last night. surprised at how boring movie was. only part experience visually stimulating were flashback sequences vivid oz-ishly hyper-colorful course they would since he lose his eyesight until was...7 8 think thus memory color intense....which makes me rethink my poem....hmmmm..... . images mother hanging laundry bottle tree clinking little brother drowning helluva lot more interesting than rest much slept through gc urged end other poem in way feel like viewer emerging darkened theater guess that's where seed planted. aware memories childhood vividly play out screen so real if slice our own lives. had head got down paper. know watching became interested memorizing those composing actually happening screen. hmmm. thanks for an ambitious poem. it's good. transition between her son cry strikes untrue questionable because sensory confusion hearing we emerge... into light might need juggling different word two. comes nowhere even its likeable-ness. i've placed few suggestions text. thing both right wrong aren't wishy washy kicking legs somehow doesn't quite come across dream meant w context moment s you can make sense glad. sorry opaque-ish. hope some helps somehow. yours jack 85090 re now wait a minute.... laurel so you're reconsidering my ending grin i won't respond at length. instead i'll do what shoulda done in the first place and thank you for being generous gracious with your time. truly crit this follow-up are gifts. save comments keep them mind when if revise---that other revision was just an attempt to cut out all elements everyone bellyaching about---as notice there wasn't much poem left after that hacking. comment regarding eva bunker....wow....that's whole poem. she never entered mind. did apologize such ninny tattooing grind on arm can't help it. it's how i'm wired. hope ninny-ishness---say 3 times fast or heck once --won't deter from critting me again. fear i've driven lovely hannah away because reacted rather boohooish manner last critted me. oughta stop damned crybaby grow up already. smile muchos gracias senor time eye. well we both feel guilty. know--or think know--that not trying knock any way moments where is said language glorious fresh content are--less fresh. part of difficulty lies subject matter get less than west though by means suggesting shouldn't try mechanics point those weak might want revise toward perfection best exhibit. yes indeedy. however as say below buying into christian blbical myth. therefore neither nor has stick exclusively established script....for which reason would suggest almost anything but ape. call though. often trust reader. anyone attentive who writing english will certain resonances via context. whoa narrative no thought lines read their most obvious reductive saying men jerks. felt weaker here drawn reading. us another direction you'll have better. able's wet dream let's even go . jerks that's axiomatic. one. 1 very infelicitous choice verbs 2 grinding better least poetry concerned. own experience sometimes muse active s he's not. human lots constructive ways react latter housecleaning taking walk volunteer work. poets be good people. generally. poet only know deal lack inspiration writing. one people writes right through blocks. produce intervals pure dreck course it keeps words flowing--keeps poems come casting about. end doesn't matter. spells manage glittering artifact nothing you--to heart cold--and yet rewards others. few goldbeater's skin poems. always amazes them--and there's particular name it--moves day then withou thinking about desperate cry deep writer's block. nobody else reads way. back meant points moves ahead less-than-memorable rhetorical devices tired tropes governing myth vigorous sensual language. fully reimagining thing. autopilot. don't rely flattered doubly abashed. should write every comes mind--even annoy grandmother believe richard hugo said. grandmothers dead i.e. pre-annoyed. post-. depending theology. again ultimately written exists wholly outside initiating intention. beauty all. can turn like spur moment mercenary reasons talented indeed. forget working stretch base cain abel hitler while makes logical sense original sin happens too quickly. we're prepared we've suddenly host tossed intimation dangling. sudden works case move heavily freighted another. bit limber. worked make more resonant. bet boys.... interesting worth keeping front this. ploy sorry draft must ploy--different distraction really going implying maybe eve something along. inherent yet.... interested position am poem's turns be. you've above definitely experiment import problem fetuses advanced form ape thematically narratively appropriate does her apple trouble loaded word brings down audible thump. closer mark seeds indeed evoke poisonous store poor bad seed were vivid surprising access newborn they borrowed local hospital take look infant fingernails. quite something. gifted business now. gifted. push far go. sounds ex-catholic claim sorry. please excuse. sayin'. oh c'mon none enough. correct poles comparison shakespeare hand whoever personal void other. fall somewhere between. some skill 90 terrible fraud. joking here. glad lot published mid-to-late 1990s mostly regional journals didn't find its internet. did. exactly ashamed different person models etc. ten years same recent work....again belabor work fact true relevant else's including editors'. grand artistic vision laurel. b c myself extent existential condition human. brass ring. listening fearful dennis sending listen dennis. later shuts failure critiquer. consider creating effect others thing feeling yourself. these may actually mutually exclusive conditions. they're within --at holds fairly orthodox catholic view. there. structural idea many things sorry--the received concerning contains. shake preconceived ideas. thinking. whether hungry had been talking lilith wind bunker. work--more poem--to consummate strategies material's demands. --gc p.s. transliteration cast characters without bring b. mean bunker implication point--but need insist drawing connection. diptych kill our children chilling that. possibility terms say. 85091 re how could she resist laurel thanks dennis. if you read my response to gc's crit then know why the brass ring's not a viable option. i gotta believe in poems i'm ever gonna send them out into world and right now don't. but you're mensch for offering these kind words sir. hello christian so will pass on message myth - oh what writing. do yourself your fans favor go ring. are ready. regards dennis 85092 re how could she resist laurel seth abramson. didn't he used to post at the gazebo his name's familiar. i googled him and liked what found so thanks for mentioning name. intentionally nor consciously borrow construction but methinks fears that you won't be easily convinced otherwise. your comments. appreciate taking time read poem comment. i'm not much one 'shock factor' writing i'll try stick grammatics of it did like was contruction borrowed from now famous poet abramson ie first must unfortunately -- leave dangling in a rather precarious manner would reconsider grammatical scaffolding on which have built dr. titiana chernehofsky 85093 re how could she resist laurel oh others had problems with it grin and heck i've got a problem myself. not sure i pulled off---and certainly didn't convince anyone else that did. so. you pointed to the same lines gc were less than thrilled with. guess i'll prick up my ears so speak listen. thanks muchly for this crit. tried crit your separation last night...and i'm still mulling morning. let me mull while longer get it. read several times keep coming back searching what think of every time mechanics are fine as always. but wonder about some aspects this. at might be driving its point home little too much taste. will have no three strophes or is where most negative reaction very minimal btw . don't like author any poem pointing anything out me. part if we eat then eve was just seemed bother know king trying sum now critters been when they tell do should without explanation y'know there tired phrases on first stick second third do. caught whiff hint agenda intent clue evil contained within clamped tight fists peak ripeness usual parts absolutely love. white rib great. loved that. overall iffy one. hate homeboy ash 85094 re final draft asher bowan--you are being helpful just by saying that it dont interest you. ha. that's comment enough...yes perhaps this a frame for poem. runs pretty straight as is and doesn't off much far layering goes. i'm not sure what you mean surprise. but something to mull over even if i agree - yes reading like lyric poem or something. have no idea where the hell came from usually hate lyrical poems. father was intention on my part. honestly help me thanks dropping in. kindest regards know make of this. read interested sort left thinking yeah so. say because it's help. wonder could put in little surprise instead father. would offer difference very maybe so dense having hard time connecting with it. don't know. really want be ... typically enjoy your work while did too seemed bulky take rambling i'll stop. seeing becomes best a. bowen 85095 re how could she resist laurel aw c'mon sherry be as fearless a critter of my poetry you are writer your own poetry. know i don't mind good hack job. god knows i've inflicted them on just about everyone else. it tends to main mode critting and i'm always surprised that more people do the same poems. curious see other folks so never hesistate away. this is workshop after all eh hey did total job poem myself---already posted unposted thank for delete option . been told than one occassion by poet killing work during revision. definitely severed head arms legs puppy....then thought better it. thanks much stopping by. next time cut away ma'am. shy from poems...i hell out then feel bad also handle biblical themes very well but... die can have shape sin roughly size weight breast yielding in hand s. 85096 re how could she resist laurel i love when folks give me feedback that mirrors my own ignored gut instincts regarding a poem. in the initial draft poem did end on regardless. alas tagged hitler ending and whole lotta other stuff lines gc pointed out as continued fiddling with draft. like told was dogged pursuit of this think worked it to death. grin thanks for crit barbara. one your best. but last bit is too much. suggestion here understand fruit would ve fallen --barbara s. 85097 re separtion major redux jack m hi ash. you know in some of this the abstraction feels gilbert-like. have read great fires it's better mostly to my mind than his recent book. anyway one thing poem does that gilbert usually doesn't is it lets eye perception wander what like a more random way. under kitchen world compelling but given up too soon for money. another train thought i wondered would happen if first stanza were last. overall holds together well somehow feel need care about or speaker. could make me maybe greater focus through language. something else haven't mentioned because can't think it. ok i've got go move book shelves into storage. separation words suggest distance they can. morning we quieted driving beside river road. week walked above rushes rehearsing yellow light circling table as our ache forget. worn by walking car on road change minds out here people hang themselves loose ledge compassion. wipers smear winter at bridge stop unbuckle lives climb rail. 85098 re how could she resist laurel boj---asher first when i saw those initials flashbacked to this teeny tiny guy used know who played guitar in a heavy metal band--i called him boj because he was so small only few inches over five feet. stood for bundle of joy. yeah thrilled by my nickname him. grin but cute as the dickens. next....hey thanks being honest. i'm often lousy reader myself and not always willing admit it. think lazy more than admit---if poem doesn't grab me throat opening lines bail. last night read your almost critted it---the snowman poem---then didn't because....part never feels quite smart enough say anything helpful about poems. too really wanted hack away at sure that's most approach. consider yourself warned though---i may get out cleaver have go afternoon. you're on shortlist along with bowen. ash asher. trembling prospect aren't ya again stopping saying what you said. made feel bit less guilty own ability willingess reader. sorry crappy today stopped fetuses because...anyway. can't into haven't clue why. mean sounds like short story or something. today. hope you'll let it sit see comes outta kind regards 85099 re the chopping shop --- revised jack m christopher this holds together. but i think if it's going to blow down readers doors get an ah kind of reaction it needs feel more specific. right now evidence gives feels general. guess mean that don't a picture life lives are being chopped. instead clean table where happens. can these two come together course may be asking for something poem doesn't want offer thoughts went through my mind as read this. yours warn myself woman sense things casual word certain set mouth new distance sensed not present earlier. disintegration relationship end before finish destiny void parent nervous future. is too late hope one last chance would flowers help her favorite red roses little lies and big ones pinned accumulated catalogued in lawyer's interrogatories spelled out dry room around polished space hell relationships disassembled by uncaring efficient hands. t. george 85100 re this is not your life jm sir wow. i never get called sir. 85102 re separtion major redux laurel okay so i've said this to zola a couple of times lately probably much his extreme irritation and i'm gonna say it again here because applies reads like shorthand me. draft hacked up version longer better poem. i think you've got all the elements needed in original work with that since helluva than one we go any words uttered would suggest stop. but morning rain punches us silent. wipers smear winter road. at bridge unbuckle climb rail. below river makes rings color sweet tea. for week wept under kitchen s yellow light our grief circling table. each evening came stood on loose ledge pulled by rushes. you shift your weight lean into wind about last things details people forget. car right now might change minds hour world is ours alone. out far learn keep what distance they can. can't urge strongly enough insert some those forget are speaker thinking before leap imagine insignificant...that doors unlocked left lights home there's grocery list crumpled her pocket instead suicide note. stuff that. didn't much. added few things. see think. mind if grab shoulders shake back first i'll demand while you're teeth rattle. grin ash. back. oh hey night when read poem played idea moving lines around messing time line maybe starting end its way beginning. not sure that's do-able or not...but it's another possiblity consider revise. 85103 re eva b. criticism more generally gc wait--you mean you weren't intending to link the biblical eve with but laurel that's whole point isn't it conflate them i'm so confused. anyway i think a really interesting place take poem even if wasn't your original intention. maybe has an agenda independent of yours. love when that happens.... as for boohooing--yes tends drive editors away. know poems are our children and we no one likes be out in public have someone else say oh what shame beautiful child such pronounced hairlip. or whatever. but--to wrench this back from metaphor--i ultimately writing poetry is about rather than poet need at some gain certain level distance on work. afraid maintains emotional umbilical poem--or just often generative moment insight behind poem--then itself suffers can't grow develop evolve into piece free-standing art wants become. many people culture personal expression which partly product romantic movement beats 1970s. necessarily authentic--because comes heart --and critique perpetrate violence it. understand view does subtly remove definition away toward poet's connection his her poem. put bluntly share relationship locked that. can privilege private over effect abandoned why critics shy reactions sort describe. turns we're not talking attachments then pretty well useless. i've had moments workshops literally sat tears trickling down my cheeks while well-meaning colleagues pointed tactfully less given much-beloved poem-child lyric equivalent down's syndrome. only way force one's self listen carefully criticisms. they turn valid there's nothing do work poem's sake. every now after lot thought tinkering you'll decide were wrong right all. it's best resort conclusion too swiftly. morning thoughts worth. --gc 85104 re final draft 2 g.c. asher i'd love to comment on this one--it's very rich ambitious--but i'm not going until you settle a version at least for say 24-hour period. i get nervous the thought of critiquing one all while suspecting that poet is in process posting different one. it's little like squirrel hunting only squirrels have higher-powered rifles than do. --gc 85105 this is not your life past tense laurel the air was always restless here. blue glass clinked in breeze as a woman pinned sheets to summer. mother's shadow flapped and like wing. she spat into dusty wind balanced basket on her hip told you time for dinner. but ignored her. distance crow cawed tree no one listened. child can drown puddle when one's looking. can't remember little brother's name still recall silent kicking of legs even after sharp edges corn husks blurred blades grass merged sky blackened. you'd forgotten road out here orange. every morning were born night. house strange new world compass. east tea pot's hiss. west clop creak horse carriage. south at back threshold tripped over over. north silence contained within breath held watching son cry mama caught cricket crawling soundlessly across floor pressed insect hand said i hear too. we emerged if from dark womb light so bright sudden that temporarily blinded. drove home stunned survivors surprised be alive. day or grabbed my wrist neck wine bottle about pour. eyes squeezed shut me beautiful once. expected get down knees draw cathedrals. instead strung up our empties waited first stirring. 85106 draft 5 asher i'm done with this poem ready to burn it. ha. china town yes there was consolidation in winter--canadian winter perhaps. we are a place that is arctic white snow mobiling perhaps-- along side driveways roiling cloud of exhaust dundas steet. the boy-mind drawing maps. green maps on unboiled apple skin. treasure cochlea. his brother followed and recorded every word he said. you can't gable unless you're stable retrospect. plow hasn't come alongside lonely man cleaver. shrunken pashmina scarf edge driveway blown off by child's breath already her an iguana red cheeks cherry for nose--the child i mean daughter. she played veena one stringed disappeared from fingers. aba no plays anymore or listens. could almost say snowman were living yard fenced wrought iron. wanders paper plows through paragraph unthinking as if your has cherries cheeks. likeness rum my mixed egg nog. rain sops spiny umbrella. walk loose wind lake ontario absentminded landscape waves clambering up granite. tug liking... street absent bench where met father. tea sponge cake dipped seaming cane sugar water. here can meet him again recites iqbal accents cannot hear. wrote patriotic poems about pakistan. went cambridge. died unhappy.here world armoire kensington market ragweed pollen sniffle. grown black mind cardinal crooked juniper branch. backwards be darned all rotting. chinaman's cafe packed. registers jangling. bought father royal jelly. jelly didn't work. wood ear mushroom. effeminate rocks these mausoleums perhaps wipers frozen gasoline moody move even car stops--jolts forward -buckle down son not emily painting. bowing teeny bed bug eats corpuscle twin at town. namgyal cleaned cut lavender--on bed. changed name holly. buffeting avalanche around younge street. hang back old god but birch restless cracked like skull dreaming body departed man's 85107 re eva b. criticism more generally laurel first it's entirely possible that my poem has its own agenda. certainly happened before. grin next i hear you loud and clear gc regarding the boohooing. boohooing isn't related to any sense of attachment poems though. i'm not like one those icky dog owners who thinks their pet is baby. are babies. me am poems. couldn't always state so definitively. took a long time extricate myself from precious pieces art crap. but have learned how detach them finally. easier do now writing anything remotely confessional. bit tougher when poem's content hint personal. reaction crit reflection emotional instability than else. already explained this hannah via email. there few readers out whose opinions really count---hannah's among them---and if she naysays in crummy mood....well end up being little immature about whole thing rather accepting her astute constructive for gift it is. as an example last critted was less love with said i'd been struggling bum knee strained ligament had down because injur cut into ability exercise---and daily vigorous exercise is....damn important reading poetry. keeps happy stable healthy. nothing else life makes feel quite alive good workout. so....there all crippled angry limping around wincing....and then says doesn't think working---and wasn't---and reacted badly wrongly. gosh mature no so....i you. biggest problem online workshop environment too quick post respond crits. lately purposely puting off crits days at just gain some distance. helped. by get way hell board i've forgotten it. that's thing. helps be alot objective i'll go back reread response your initial crit. don't know boohooy mean sure misread grind applied poem...but normal me. hey sorry. 40 still trying figure grown mostly failing miserably. thanks morning thoughts sir. they're much appreciated. boohooing--yes tends drive editors away. our children we likes public someone say oh what shame beautiful child such pronounced hairlip. or whatever. but--to wrench metaphor--i ultimately poetry poet need point certain level distance on work. afraid maintains umbilical poem--or often generative moment insight behind poem--then itself suffers can't grow develop evolve piece free-standing wants become. many people culture personal expression which partly product original romantic movement beats 1970s. necessarily authentic--because comes heart --and critique perpetrate violence understand view does subtly remove definition away toward poet's connection his poem. put bluntly share relationship locked that. can privilege private over effect abandoned why critics shy reactions sort describe. turns we're talking attachments pretty well useless. moments workshops literally sat tears trickling cheeks while well-meaning colleagues pointed tactfully given much-beloved poem-child lyric equivalent down's syndrome. only force one's self listen carefully criticisms. they turn valid there's work sake. every after lot thought tinkering you'll decide were wrong right all. best resort conclusion swiftly. worth. --gc 85108 the spiders of my imagination have beautiful faces si mon parts 2 3 crows wimberly drive no longer caw. stoic they avoid eyes and hop curbside. i already miss them. just as way screen door takes forever to close. or it s anticipation metal against time between actual coming going barely audible whoosh that a second then click. father marine hung an ear from his belt. home many years later he refuses share stories seem roost on shoulders like roc. blue jacket in closet is close we got gold buttons magic smelled mothballs. when died went deaf for day. all lawnmowers stopped. mother gave me 13 watches if this could keep living forever. none worked so stuck them kitchen junk drawer. remember there was apple core browning counter exposing four black seeds. cut half stayed whole. mohawk stunk. once dare toes in. came out speckled tingling. rode our schwinns past glowing green lawn front knolls atomic power lab pedaled fast along graveyard afraid breathe lifted feet crossing railroad tracks. at lock 7 flooded channel raise barge loud scream darkest secrets risk nothing. thought what end might sound like. but water. took fish off cement walls sunfish small hands. reeled-in hefty cat. open demonstrate still working. how shiny looked used blade knew not words tone voice much more wanted tell. 85109 re final draft 2 asher gc--thanks. i realized when awoke that had written a lyrical poem to my dismay so revised it slightly. thanks for your consideration...ha. yes ambitious as hell. but need larger vocabulary etc. think the last post is best can do currently. which usually means i'm done with and couldn'r care less any more about. onto new poems...or bloody essay. again ag i'd love comment on this one--it's very rich ambitious--but not going until you settle version at least say 24-hour period. get nervous thought of critiquing one all while suspecting poet in process posting different one. it's little like squirrel hunting only squirrels have higher-powered rifles than do. --gc 85110 re separtion major redux asher hi bowan-- this is a lot better than the first few versions...consider it complete no only ineffectual word in here was ache and obvious title which detracts i think from reader piecing theme together herself. thanks for posting revision. best ag separation words suggest what distance they can. but morning we quieted driving beside river road. week walked under kitchen of world above rushes rehearsing yellow light circling table as if our could forget. were worn by walking car on road change minds out people hang themselves loose ledge compassion. wipers smear winter at bridge stop unbuckle lives climb rail. 85111 re evidence of change asher jack i'm not sure if the anapora and is working effectively here. or maybe why it inserted. seems like an ironic ploy at least to me get reader thinking about poem here as disunified segements thought--perhaps. part that really sparked off was narrative intrusion various word plays. i love though from evidently. thought stuff in brackets how did happen gasped her metronome too obvious - you could use more fluid play first bit...and humour. for instance something observe mary observing god not. illustrate another type energy... sort fun instead a pendulum want riff consider lilies perhaps. switching some lines around adds effect possibly energy. pull mass release it. paring down tightening devices would tighten logic grammar lose ands make leaps...actually all conjuctions... kindest regards cricket god. energy pendulum. we aside ten commandments say thou shall covet my saxophone swings back forth loses height swinging either end center draw on our childhood expectations unqualified acceptance admit calmly most important feature any cycle transformation no matter who kissed after class metronome. then evidently by virtue being motion she able climb up again repeatedly machinery which returns moment where has been dissolving past jazzes between. 85112 re the port authority terminal geoff re. terminal. good to see gc on road again. damn braces. much interest was shown in weaker segments of this ink-wet piece and i am grateful for radical suggestions there. note. if anyone has heard replacing verbs a without transforming it into another surely would love hear about it. lack behaviorial aspect is obvious. who left when there nowhere go what does say us finally why do police flash strong light eyes sleeping men makes living react violently.... best midnight. long distance buses have soon last interstate follows. jersey closed tonight unless you walk hudson river bridge. an old man sits one few seats staring space. his silence graven stone not temporary. holds four identical advertisements he shuffles exactly like playing cards over cannot stop backstage chaos disharmony reality that says works. no more necessary beside him short fat sleeps improbably bent half head near bulging belly. how can sleep snore -- perhaps only solution later laughing policemen haul big cuban cuffs will hide scuttle away. effect young men's laughter repels as shining diner-market attracts haunts its entrance. bearded paces sentry duty mumbling passionately himself. rows plants flowers inside set off columbian chiquitas great beauty heartlessness run store eighteen hours day seven days week including christmas thanksgiving half-past. leaves. two totally swallowed up private conversation speaking unknown tongue remove their coffee elsewhere world cleaners drive vast brushes sweep clean floor. begin inspect corners toilets seal entrances. market lights out unaware past most important lives sturdy women lock still chatting away reciting pasts presents futures they were selling markets bogota or medellin leone 85113 re the bullshit papers ddq where are you from sbern 85114 re evidence of change asher jack-- i'm not sure why you used the trope machinery here--i suppose you're going back to first bit but it doesn't work for my reading. counter mary's argument or virtue strongly enough and seems echo a mechanical view universe...which at odds with more organic musical jazzing. kindest regards observe mary observing god. illustrate another type energy consider pendulum. if we pull her mass aside release ten commandments say thou shall covet saxophone swings forth loses height swinging from either end center draw on our childhood expectations unqualified love acceptance admit calmly that most important feature any cycle is transformation no matter who kissed after class how did happen gasped metronome. then evidently by being in motion she able climb up again repeatedly which returns moment where has been dissolving past jazzes between. 85115 re the spiders of my imagination have beautiful f asher simon-- i thought this was a mostly successful and wonderful poem . own quibble is with that last line. you tendency to try seal your endings. greater impact would be made in another way. insertion ironic dialogue father one other just leaving it hanging. like former method better personally. kindest regards parts 2 3 crows wimberly drive no longer caw. stoic they avoid eyes hop curbside. already miss them. as way screen door takes forever close. or s anticipation metal against time between actual coming going barely audible whoosh second then click. marine hung an ear from his belt. home many years later he refuses share stories seem roost on shoulders roc. blue jacket closet close we got gold buttons magic smelled mothballs. when died went deaf for day. all lawnmowers stopped. mother gave me 13 watches if could keep living forever. none worked so stuck them kitchen junk drawer. remember there apple core browning counter exposing four black seeds. cut half stayed whole. mohawk stunk. once dare toes in. came out speckled tingling. rode our schwinns past glowing green lawn front knolls atomic power lab pedaled fast along graveyard afraid breathe lifted feet crossing railroad tracks. at lock 7 flooded channel raise barge loud scream darkest secrets risk nothing. what end might sound like. but water. took fish off cement walls sunfish small hands. reeled-in hefty cat. open demonstrate still working. how shiny looked used blade knew not words tone voice much more wanted tell. 85116 re evidence of change annmarie eldon you know i'm going to say something about line length... observe mary observing god. illustrate another type energy consider a pendulum. if we pull her mass aside and release it the ten commandments thou shall not covet or my saxophone swings back forth loses height swinging from either end center draw on our childhood expectations unqualified love acceptance admit calmly that most important feature any cycle is transformation no matter who kissed after class how did happen gasped metronome. then evidently by virtue being in motion she able climb up again repeatedly machinery which returns moment where has been nd dissolving past jazzes between. sort but damn it's cool poem 85117 writer's block mach iii bowen writer s what missing is an empty bottle or a dog barking at nothing. explosion. houses go up in flames. camera crews scatter. twelve firemen flame out from high-rise freefall. nothing stops them but dirt. they make hole so deep somebody got to measure it before the local traffic report. across town people are moving of each other lives writing long letters that don t explain single reason for graceful exits. neighborhood plastered with caution man finally ready put his finger into rotary call help. he sees fire falling pulls o stop. daughter voice crackles line. tells her burning has seen bodies piling street apparently eight feet. awkward as brush fire. disconnects. thinks theory drink. streetlights walk their glow meridian. worry building dogs bark bottles roll. 85118 re the spiders of my imagination have beautiful f si mon thanks asher where would you suggest ending it -- at blade...or before then i appreciate your help s. simon-- thought this was a mostly successful and wonderful poem . own quibble is with that last line. tendency to try seal endings. greater impact be made in another way. insertion ironic dialogue father one other just leaving hanging. like former method better personally. kindest regards parts 2 3 85119 re separtion major redux bowen hannah thanks so much for the careful honest crit. i see what you mean about ends flittering off into abstraction. i'll try not to do that again. - ash- ve seen of your stuff recently and many revisions they all started blend one giant poem like this though sort in ethan frome genre but a few key language moments walking under kitchen yellow light provide an entrance image resounds enough be memorable. think s greatest potential failure is way it tends open at lines thoughts varying degrees say although course have no heartfelt hatred abstraction---but just because seems my ear push very hard towards big meaning let me find example ok circling table as if our ache could forget. we move from specific metaphor ache. same time actually undercut part line works metaphorically suggests certainly avoidance repetition. walk world when heart place where goes sustenance. faces necessarily other person. aren t sitting down circling. beneath it. complex enough. d know more m interested seeing how sustain distance word-lack silence face decision. then bust out wrong weaker word tries categorize given us with subtlety. why wants forget isn people want or desire any case maybe can loosens itself vagueness instead tightening up completing allegory kitchen. thing happens again loose ledge compassion. weakness poem. else interesting tighten often remove its descriptive detouring language. which suppose fine need those detours narrative some cosmogeny literally. left strip sweet-tea rings on mostly didactic pronouncing while true depends these carry storyline chronology etc fun somewhat stripped too. narrator telling inside characters are quieted come back to. kitchen-of-the-world image. anyway. two cents. take leave like. -h 85120 re separtion major redux bowen jack thanks for the crit. much appreciated. i understand what you mean about caring more narrator. will attempt. again. ash hi ash. know in some of this abstraction feels gilbert-like. have read great fires it's better mostly to my mind than his recent book. anyway one thing poem does that gilbert usually doesn't is it lets eye perception wander like a random way. under kitchen world compelling but given up too soon money. another train thought wondered would happen if first stanza were last. overall holds together well somehow feel need care or speaker. could make me maybe greater focus through language. something else haven't mentioned because can't think it. ok i've got go move book shelves into storage. 85121 re this is not your life past tense asher laurel-- some very nice line in here blue glass clinked the breeze as a woman pinned sheets to summer. you'd forgotten road out of was orange. west clop and creak horse carriage. interesting images that needed be developed imho you grabbed my wrist like neck wine bottle bathetic lines smile--i know i'm an ass - mother's shadow flapped wing. child can drown puddle when no one's looking. we drove home stunned silence into light so bright sudden were temporarily blinded. distance crow cawed tree anything but crows personally finished with them gotta consider letting go all wombs poems you're way too good for wink contained within breath held watching her son cry mama first stirring. by far worst poem emerged if from dark womb sharpening find them. ha. love air always restless here. she spat dusty wind balanced basket on hip told time dinner. ignored her. one listened. can't remember little brother's name still recall silent kicking legs even after sharp edges corn husks blurred blades grass merged sky blackened. every morning born night. house strange new world compass. east tea pot's hiss. south at back threshold tripped over over. north caught cricket crawling soundlessly across floor pressed insect hand said i hear too. survivors surprised alive. day or about pour. eyes squeezed shut me beautiful once. expected get down knees draw cathedrals. instead strung up our empties waited 85122 re separtion major redux bowen laurel you always tell me to go back the original. lol okay okay. thanks for read. i'll dump this one drawing board. ash so i've said zola a couple of times lately probably much his extreme irritation and i'm gonna say it again here because applies reads like shorthand me. draft hacked up version longer better poem. i think you've got all elements needed in original work with that since helluva than we any words uttered would suggest stop. but morning rain punches us silent. wipers smear winter road. at bridge unbuckle climb rail. below river makes rings color sweet tea. week wept under kitchen s yellow light our grief circling table. each evening came stood on loose ledge pulled by rushes. shift your weight lean into wind about last things details people forget. car right now might change minds hour world is ours alone. out far learn keep what distance they can. can't urge strongly enough insert some those forget are speaker thinking before leap imagine insignificant...that doors unlocked left lights home there's grocery list crumpled her pocket instead suicide note. stuff that. didn't much. added few things. see think. mind if grab shoulders shake first demand while you're teeth rattle. grin ash. back. oh hey night when read poem played idea moving lines around messing time line maybe starting end its way beginning. not sure that's do-able or not...but it's another possiblity consider revise. 85123 re separtion major redux bowen asher thanks for the read and comments. ache is out. lol again. a. hi bowan-- this a lot better than first few versions...consider it complete no only ineffectual word in here was obvious title which detracts i think from reader piecing theme together herself. posting revision. best ag separation 85124 re the spiders of my imagination have beautiful f asher i couldn't tell you simon - it depends on effect want. could end father cut open to demonstrate parts still working. all remember is how shiny looked way he used blade knew not from his words. but dunno. that changes things. see what other people say ag 2 3 crows wimberly drive no longer caw. stoic they avoid eyes and hop curbside. already miss them. just as screen door takes forever close. or s anticipation metal against time between actual coming going barely audible whoosh a second then click. marine hung an ear belt. home many years later refuses share stories seem roost shoulders like roc. blue jacket in closet close we got gold buttons magic smelled mothballs. when died went deaf for day. lawnmowers stopped. mother gave me 13 watches if this keep living forever. none worked so stuck them kitchen junk drawer. there was apple core browning counter exposing four black seeds. half stayed whole. mohawk stunk. once dare toes in. came out speckled tingling. rode our schwinns past glowing green lawn front knolls atomic power lab pedaled fast along graveyard afraid breathe lifted feet crossing railroad tracks. at lock 7 flooded channel raise barge loud scream darkest secrets risk nothing. thought might sound like. water. took fish off cement walls sunfish small hands. reeled-in hefty cat. words tone voice much more wanted tell. 85125 re writer's block mach iii asher i thought this was a wonderful piece. not sure if the title works anymore though. kind regards ag writer s what missing is an empty bottle or dog barking at nothing. explosion. houses go up in flames. camera crews scatter. twelve firemen flame out from high-rise freefall. nothing stops them but dirt. they make hole so deep somebody got to measure it before local traffic report. across town people are moving of each other lives writing long letters that don t explain single reason for graceful exits. neighborhood plastered with caution man finally ready put his finger into rotary call help. he sees fire falling pulls o stop. daughter voice crackles line. tells her burning has seen bodies piling street apparently eight feet. awkward as brush fire. disconnects. thinks theory drink. streetlights walk their glow meridian. worry building dogs bark bottles roll. 85126 re draft 5 laurel i changed my mind about that hack job promised to inflict earlier today. this doesn't need hacking. it's really rich. lush. i'm mostly wondering if the formatting here is intentional. right now single thing that's not working for me at all. wanted chop off 2 perhaps' but thought better of it. tripped and over consolidation think still struggling with word only because see every day where work can't seem make shift from financial world winter world. like alot. hopefully gc hannah will chime in give you more meaningful feedback than have. do find poem overwhelming---but a good way. you're sticking don't know. reading something causes rethink last posted heck all poems i've lately. when read your feel you've committed yourself them. made same committment mine. someone on one poetry blogs wendy wisner maybe said she'd written lately seemed be lacking heart. oh....that's problem. can write its heart beat sir has what worth while did enjoy whole especially section done ready burn ha. snow plow hasn't come alongside lonely man cleaver. shrunken pashmina scarf edge driveway blown by child's breath already her an iguana red cheeks cherry nose--the child mean daughter. she played veena stringed disappeared fingers. aba no plays anymore or listens. could almost say snowman were living yard fenced wrought iron. wanders paper plows through paragraph unthinking as cherries cheeks. likeness rum mixed egg nog. rain sops spiny umbrella. walk loose wind lake ontario absentminded landscape waves clambering up granite. tug liking... dundas street absent bench met father. green tea sponge cake dipped seaming cane sugar water. meet him again he recites iqbal accents cannot hear. 85127 go outside and play... edit ryan play before you break something. an all-if-knowing child. watching guernica die. even in a cardboard box smell like secret history or more fragmented. shapes symmetrically bull-horse the intent- ionally concealed skull. shadowy bend. blindfold sev- ers every vocal cord. he is dirty. has bathtub his kitchen. under water pots strewn across counter. some battlefield your hair face alone window broken. white linen on balcony descend below this all-if-hidden bodega scene same old shit saves idiots. one john revelator means immortality something less conspicuously copied from bible ahh every. ahhh. well thinks it sleep-stolen gnarled apartment. boxing glove nail. somewhere. somehow. bring me mobil oil winged horse. horses what catastrophic-white cancels him skeleton riding o soup can. also guernica--shape of paranoia truer form hundred-dollar bill stupefied over flowing with phlox groceries if-least. twenty-seven. doses heroin real fire paint erasure tires made entirely thorns as samos weepy-gouache-death hanging needle wire canvassed off somewhere not hawaii 85128 my brother's keeper laurel brother s like smoke from chimney soul body i can only visualize the steam as it rises tea kettle. but hear crackle of flames last breath rattle and flinch at shriek piercing whistle. his limbs flailed wail swallowed by suds. feet banged against tub felt thump in chest a parade band marches past pulse second larger heart . bottle tree clinks wind impact glass on is silent. mother root that clings weed will not be pulled easily garden. she beats rugs bad dogs chokes dust hangs sheets ghosts yard stirs pot stove. once boiled over when ran out door to wring clothes blow into lungs. an onyx broach glittering sun cricket crawls across floor trying seen. or heard. resists urge sing rub its legs together. clicks tiny footfalls. see path chosen. hands knees stalk cat then give her bug for luck don t tell already knows old wives tale. cups insect shaped prayer never utters thank you amen. 85129 'on hosanna' michael mv jesus arrives this time of year on the fatted donkey-back express he is one democratic man with no political branch agenda or track just hell-bent parties all kind carnal part parcel as comes down mountain global cosmic yet never abstract like santa in palm light without pilot 'twas night before shadow extends foreshortening don't you weep for me even pixelated under halogen children jump joyride their dyed eggs bottomless knapsack 85130 re go outside and play... edit ag hey ryan-- this is an excellent revision imho. i thought the poem improved about 110 surely worthy of publication - a play before you break something. all-if-knowing child. watching guernica die. even in cardboard box smell like secret history or more fragmented. shapes symmetrically bull-horse intent- ionally concealed skull. shadowy bend. blindfold sev- ers every vocal cord. he dirty. has bathtub his kitchen. under water pots strewn across counter. some battlefield your hair face alone window broken. white linen on balcony descend below all-if-hidden bodega scene same old shit saves idiots. one john revelator means immortality something less conspicuously copied from bible ahh every. ahhh. well thinks it sleep-stolen gnarled apartment. boxing glove nail. somewhere. somehow. bring me mobil oil winged horse. horses what catastrophic-white cancels him skeleton riding o soup can. also guernica--shape paranoia truer form hundred-dollar bill stupefied over flowing with phlox groceries if-least. twenty-seven. doses heroin real fire paint erasure tires made entirely thorns as samos weepy-gouache-death hanging needle wire canvassed off somewhere not hawaii 85131 re 'on hosanna' si mon well you had me there for the first half. a real good musical cadence and couplets convinced. but then somewhere in palms pixels lost me....i wanted something less done. plus mix of santa easter eggs kindof bugged me. maybe it was suppose to...but almost out poem. so i like this halfway which is much better than none. jesus arrives time year on fatted donkey-back express he one democratic man with no political branch agenda or track just hell-bent parties all kind carnal part parcel as comes down mountain global cosmic yet never abstract palm light without pilot 'twas night before shadow extends foreshortening don't weep even pixelated under halogen children jump joyride their dyed bottomless knapsack 85132 re my brother's keeper si mon i like lots of this...more than half. it's not about vw is it the rattled breath struck me as too easy -- maybe. and bottle tree i've seen that in two movies recently or read somewhere else. something you are actually familiar with just curious. back to poem. am confessing misreading poem perhaps missing centrtal theme. first stanza has a little confused. so rest uncertain. but can tell show lines really below. brother s smoke from chimney soul body only visualize steam rises tea kettle. clinks wind impact glass on silent. mother root clings weed will be pulled easily garden. she beats rugs bad dogs chokes dust hangs sheets ghosts yard stirs pot stove. once boiled over when ran out door wring his clothes blow into lungs. an onyx broach glittering sun cricket crawls across floor trying seen. heard. resists urge sing rub its legs together. see path chosen. hands knees stalk cat then give her bug for luck don t already knows old wives tale. cups insect shaped prayer never utters thank amen. 85133 re 'on hosanna' ryan i got lost in my interpretation - but am also trying to watch a dvd at the same time so will come back later tonight hopefully with insight few ideas for youe consideration jesus arrives this of year on back- fatted donkey -back express he is one democratic man implied by no political branch agenda or track just hell-bent parties all kind carnal part parcel as comes down mountain doesnt make sense arriving global cosmic yet never abstract like santa palm light without pilot 'twas night before shadow extends foreshortening don't you weep me even pixelated under halogen children jump joyride their dyed eggs bottomless knapsack 85134 corrected revised si mon the crows of wimberly drive no longer caw. stoic they avoid my eyes and hop curbside. i miss them. just as already way screen door takes forever to close. or it s anticipation metal against time between actual coming going barely audible whoosh that lasts a second. then click. father marine hung an ear from his belt. home many years later he refuses share stories roost on shoulders like roc. blue jacket in closet is close we got gold buttons magic smelled mothballs. when died went deaf for day. all lawnmowers stopped. mother gave me 13 watches none which worked. so stuck them kitchen junk drawer stared at apple core browning counter. four black seeds. . mohawk stunk. once dare toes in. came out speckled tingling. rode our schwinns past green lawn knolls atomic power lab pedaled fast across graveyard edge afraid breathe lifted feet over railroad tracks. lock 7 flooded channel raise barge could scream darkest secrets risk nothing. this what end might sound like. but was water. took there fish off cement walls catching sunfish small hand. reeled-in hefty cat. cut open show parts still working. remember how shiny looked used blade knew wanted tell more. 85135 re go outside and play... edit ryan thx - but i owe my respect to gc's wonderful crtique it helped me approach from a diff angle. thanks for reading commenting -ryan 85136 re draft 5 a ha. laurel-ji please. kindly. not sir. unless you want to be mame - i didn't s.breaks in this one. but tell me how it reads if feel like maybe could use one or two breaks. learned blocking from laurel-ji. that's probably good about the consoladation...financial world and winter. he. yes was intended swear...overwelming. we should have been brother sister. laurel. we'd kill eachother since we're so much alike. heartfully asher crick crock ag cricket boj jenny lehman sue bohemian ali khan hey ha he hum 85138 final draft ag the words isolated on a there own lines belong to previous line. gc thank you very kindly for considering this. china town yes was consolidation in winter--canadian winter perhaps. we are place that is arctic white snow mobiling perhaps along side driveways roiling cloud of exhaust dundas street. boy-mind drawing maps. green maps unboiled apple skin. treasure cochlea. his brother followed and recorded every word he said. can't gable unless you're stable retrospect plough hasn't come alongside lonely man cleaver. ha. shrunken pashmina scarf edge driveway blown off by child's breath already her an iguana with red cheeks cherry nose--the child i mean daughter. she played veena one stringed disappeared from fingers. aba no plays anymore or listens. could almost say snowman were living yard fenced wrought iron. wanders paper ploughs through paragraph unthinking as if this your has cherries cheeks. likeness rum my mixed egg nog. rain sops spiny umbrella. walk loose wind lake ontario absentminded landscape waves clambering up granite. tug liking... street absent bench where met father. tea sponge cake dipped seaming cane sugar water. here can meet him again recites iqbal accents cannot hear. wrote patriotic poems about pakistan. went cambridge. died unhappy. world armoire kensington market ragweed pollen sniffle. grown black mind cardinal crooked juniper branch. backwards be darned all rotting. chinaman's cafe packed. registers jangling. bought father royal jelly. jelly didn't work. wood ear mushroom. effeminate rocks these mausoleums wipers frozen gasoline moody move even car stops--jolts forward buckle down son not emily carr painting. bowing teeny bed bug eats corpuscle twin at town. namgyal cleaned cut lavender changed name holly. buffeting avalanche around younge hang back old god but birch restless cracked like skull dreaming body departed man's 85139 re writer's block mach iii jessica ac snyder this is one exceptional poem. i keep reading and it opens up a bit more each time. the lines across town people are moving out of other s lives writing long letters that don t explain single reason for graceful exits. his voice awkward as brush fire. in particular have me captivated. do few minor suggestions overall though. first title seems obscure think has enough sense distance specific possibly even pseudo-referential would serve. course may be reference to forum just haven't been around so missed something. if poem can much wider audience such could survive makes sense. second line breaks did not add rest or they could. where use drool can't help but want to. from high-rise freefall. nothing stops them dirt. make hole you wanted jarring break here reader fall over land on harshly falling firemen jarring. also phrase remind with gone left fight wonder isn't too pulls almost melodramatic phrasing into higher level shatneresque-pause drama. skirts edge melodrama avoids it. doesn't. move dirt implies flight--a greater contrast smashing there subtle back-reference fire no longer facing fighters fact now dead pretty calls attention enough. streetlights walk their glow meridian. worry building dogs bark bottles roll. these last overrun images hold instead backing enhancing them. most stellar chopped at point nullified by due down spacially speaking . sentence really screams full least spacially. like an enjambent. yes connects buildings those read without imply worried along love way--nifty bring back older meaning tie-in opening thus seem serve circular closure device maybe should related than buildings. 85140 re 'on hosanna' dmjones hello michael loved the first nine lines of this piece thought han-shan poems when he came down mountain to get drunk with butchers. keep voice those and a poem will emerge. regards dennis jesus arrives time year on fatted donkey-back express is one democratic man no political branch agenda or track just hell-bent parties all kind carnal part parcel as comes 85141 re final draft ryan i would like to take a crack at this - but have wait until later as am just getting started work. lots of stuff think about here mainly wanted let you know someone was following the drafts obviously put in lot work and probably appreciate comments. dont get mad if aroud it today- will try my best return evening with some thoughts. thanks for sharing 85142 re writer's block mach iii bowen asher thanks for the kind words and suggestion about title. have one up your sleeve i'm terrible with titles. i'd thought fire of fires but now leaning toward subplot or subplots. any suggestions would be appreciated. best a. i this was a wonderful piece. not sure if title works anymore though. regards ag writer s 85143 re writer's block mach iii bowen jessica wow what a generous critique. it is much appreciated. yes the line breaks are problematic in places. i was trying to get this poem as tight visually possible do form-equals-content type thing where format would suggest both building and force of gravity vertical impact etc. however abandoning that for better think will more than its formatting. like all your suggestions i've printed them out my future tinkering. thanks again reading suggesting. best a. p.s. any new title one exceptional poem. keep opens up bit each time. lines particular have me captivated. few minor overall though. first seems obscure has enough sense distance specific possibly even pseudo-referential serve. course may be reference forum just haven't been around so long missed something. if can wider audience such could survive makes sense. second did not add rest or they could. use drool can't help but want to. you wanted jarring break here reader fall over land on harshly falling firemen jarring. also phrase nothing stops remind with gone left fight fire. wonder isn't too pulls almost melodramatic phrasing into higher level shatneresque-pause drama. skirts edge melodrama avoids it. doesn't. move dirt implies flight--a greater contrast smashing dirt. there subtle back-reference fire no longer facing fighters fact now dead pretty calls attention enough. these last overrun images hold instead backing enhancing them. streetlights walk their glow meridian. most stellar chopped at point nullified by due down spacially speaking . sentence really screams full least spacially. dogs bark an enjambent. connects buildings those read without imply worried along love worry way--nifty bring back older meaning tie-in opening thus seem serve circular closure device maybe should related bottles buildings. 85144 animal lens sherry electromagnetic radiation bounces off the back of inside my eyeball like elementary geometry. finger-counting at six feet. oh lovely selfish world where outer colors leap to a private myopic wash peace and everything s blended zen quote close focus fog mine bubble blind. come nearer with your face edge cliff. 85145 re animal lens si mon the thing about your poems is that on first 2nd and 3rd readings i want to resist parts object. but then read again talk myself out of it or into it. for instance eyeball seemed be too much thought bounce made right. elementary geometry not add just my only suggestion because feel like you need get at least 2 cents cut in last line. enjoyed -- electromagnetic radiation bounces off back inside geometry. finger-counting six feet. oh lovely selfish world where outer colors leap a private myopic wash peace everything s blended zen quote close focus fog mine bubble blind. come nearer with face edge cliff. 85146 re animal lens ryan just playing electro magnetic radiation bounces off the back of f inside my eyeball like geometry elementary geometry. finger-counting at six feet. oh lovely selfish world where outer colors leap to a private myopic wash peace and everything s blended zen quote close fog focus mine blind bubble blind. nearer come with your face edge on cliff. in-side eyeball's off-geometry piece blind-bubble. cliff edge. 85147 re 'on hosanna' sherry jesus arrives this time of year on the fatted donkey-back express he is one democratic man with no political branch agenda or track just hell-bent parties all kind carnal part parcel as comes down mountain global cosmic yet never abstract hi michael first i'll understand why has anything to do eostere except by way some tricky manipulation. so tone poem helps me want keep reading. i was raised catholic play along for a while because liked lot think your parallels get away you at end you're having too much fun santa out season. tie-in. returned from ski trip and when read style diction gave about same rush ten riders came whooping around their boards swishing pounding panting in cocky stances flying mountain. that's good thing. scarey but good. grin like these three lines perhaps could salvage them somehow pixelated under halogen children jump joyride dyed eggs i'd start cutting right here palm light without pilot 'twas night before shadow extends foreshortening don't weep even bottomless knapsack s. 85148 re my brother's keeper sherry hi laurel this is very intense and beautifully horrible in many parts here i think you should focus. the bathtub scene perfect. beating of rugs too wonderful. smoke from chimney --i like definite articles so much sometimes guess tweaking them most important. see what you're trying to do with soul body but still it just seems incomplete awkward for beginning. there's a bunch imagery that don't understand which doesn't seem add maybe it's me...like wrings his clothes can only visualize steam know aren't really visualizing feeling oncoming attack pretty specific steam. smaller line lengths would help isolate some sporadic imagery. way jumps around all together long lengths... i'm going mess tense too... as rises tea kettle. hear flames last breath s rattle flinch at shriek piercing whistle. limbs flail wail swallows suds. feet bang against tub. thump chest pulse second larger heart. cricket wonderful idea. bugs our house are always offered reprieve. we capture release. weird when another person visiting they smash spider or right front eyes. gasp look us go lol wouldn't explain words. telling telling...say more poetically. whatever means. okay i'll stop. love s. brother crackle flailed swallowed by banged tub felt parade band marches past heart . bottle tree clinks wind impact glass on silent. mother root clings weed will not be pulled easily garden. she beats bad dogs chokes dust hangs sheets ghosts yard stirs pot stove. once boiled over ran out door wring blow into lungs. an onyx broach glittering sun crawls across floor seen. heard. resists urge sing rub its legs together. clicks tiny footfalls. path chosen. hands knees stalk cat then give her bug luck don t tell already knows old wives tale. cups insect shaped prayer never utters thank amen. 85149 re evidence of change sherry i really like this poem jack. how did that happen gasped her metronome. absolutely had me smiling. the last line however seems a bit too pretentious an easy out with word jazzes. s. observe mary observing god. to illustrate another type energy consider pendulum. if we pull mass aside and release it ten commandments say thou shall not covet or you my saxophone swings back forth loses height swinging from either end center draw on our childhood expectations unqualified love acceptance admit calmly most important feature any cycle is transformation no matter who kissed after class then evidently by virtue being in motion she able climb up again repeatedly machinery which returns moment where has been dissolving past jazzes between. 85150 re the spiders of my imagination have beautiful f si mon i'm afraid to post a long thing -- i once did longpome and had only one response that was something like read it so maybe will pieces. or just use this title for every poem write from now on. thanks stopping by other 19 parts jim. please wondered where heck rest was---with certainly there's got be more than these few lines--then your hnnh. whole zola. all their grin laurel 85151 re the spiders of my imagination have beautiful f si mon it is certainly a work in progress -- i will post parts if that works. thanks yes jim i'm full agreement with laurel. you rest love title. jenn 85152 re the spiders of my imagination have beautiful f si mon at least your spider didn't eat spider. sometimes ugly faces. but that's a different story. thanks love i expect ice. raindrops ping off hood jeep through steam. light doesn't turn green. last night woke four certain life was different. it's not. okay messed with that. sorry. became yikes s. 85153 fathers daughters jables before sunup anyone could stop us we ran the path to river where opened our bags of goldfish see them glow among dark silt. they finned sank like gold ships set adrift. wet knees searched water dipped in wrists. but were gone. after that mother became a heavy step behind bedroom door. black hid bass coaxed with wormy lies was nothing fear. came and then swam ______________away. goldfish. waited for their return. 85154 re animal lens ag sherry-- i like this. would consider breaking it up into three line haiku-like--don't stangle me hannah--parts in a string of succession. here's an example. love the title electromagnetic radiation back off inside my eyeball... look exact anatomical name for this http www.nei.nih.gov health eyediagram e elementary geometry f inger-counting at six feet under-- o h lovely selfish world where uter colors leap to private myopic wash -- peace and everything s blended zen quote close -strongest section poem imho. focus fog mine bubble blind. come nearer with your face . edge cliff. so ha--note view dis ha plays retina... finger-counting oh outer face. 85155 re animal lens ag ha i think killed your poem. but suffice it to say enjoyed... truly hey sherry-- like this. would consider breaking up into three line haiku-like--don't stangle me hannah--parts in a string of succession. here's an example. love the title electromagnetic radiation back off inside my eyeball... look exact anatomical name for this http www.nei.nih.gov health eyediagram e elementary geometry f inger-counting at six feet under-- o h lovely selfish world where uter colors leap private myopic wash -- peace and everything s blended zen quote close -strongest section poem imho. focus fog mine bubble blind. edge cliff. so ha--note view dis plays retina... finger-counting oh outer come nearer with face. 85156 lichen on an old fence post pic christopher t george you take the time to catalog their look yellow and pallid green colonies thrive patched mounded velvet touch adapted grain burl knots scratches notches such--islanded constellations a river of wood. t. 85157 re lichen on an old fence post ryan the picture is wonderful - did you take it --------- time to catalog their look yellow and pallid green colonies thrive patched mounded velvet touch --------------------- in opening strophe show me observer that takes special priv. disturb subject he she observed through i am wondering at this point what effect will have thriving colony implies alien or came from some other location. poem didnt seem use adapted grain burl knots scratches notches such--islanded constellations a river of wood. ---------- seemed be step backwards more observation wood recommend static words. dont let interfere make him . understand introducing observer. needs development overall nice zen moment would liked ah-ha realization something made worthwhile. thanks for sharing picture. 85158 re final draft ag ryan--no need to feel compelled answer this poem. all i can say is that the culmination of a year struggling with form have within matrix sound achieved what had set out do without stratifying layers. poem best written date and makes me reconsider lyrical rhetorical aspect language as containing or able contain dissonant voices. if people dont connect it--honestly don't care. has been faithful process such it ready be burned. ha. would like take crack at - but wait until later am just getting started work. lots stuff think about here mainly wanted let you know someone was following drafts obviously put in lot work probably appreciate comments. get mad aroud today- will try my return evening some thoughts. thanks for sharing ryan 85159 re final draft ag now that i consider it. see this poem is a representation of my mind. the way in moves and out past present dream wakefulness without telling this. poetics are working as mind it is. ha. what more could ask for. lyrical mode one only forms can contain dissonace probably have postmodern organs corpus. knowing language or an intimation reason write. if were to give you for minute would sound much like dont care about audience. faith process. just monlogue here. but finding necessarily deconstructive reconstructive effort which includes must include all ones being. gc came me spirit initiated into mode. priest music. not priest. something always given silence even through wires. here ramble adolescent self praise all. do realize how struggle has been be actually able say boj ryan--no need feel compelled answer poem. culmination year struggling with form within matrix achieved had set stratifying layers. best written date makes reconsider rhetorical aspect containing dissonant voices. people connect it--honestly don't care. faithful process such ready burned. take crack at - 85160 monologue 3 ag which makes me again reconsider the importance of bachelard and blake even bakhtin minus his marxism . perhaps there is a matrix-mind can hold or contain unify dissonant priciples without negotiating with syntax grammar are implicit in dissonace. goes back to functional anatomy pineal gland music night vision. that blindfolded human being were fact able learn echolocation. through sound. musicality language as so generous consider brahma nada crystal bowls. could be key organs postmodern. fall completely love process. finally faith it possible walk darkness god. now i it. see this poem representation my mind. way moves out past present dream wakefulness telling this. poetics working mind is. ha. what more ask for. lyrical mode one only forms dissonace probably have postmodern corpus. knowing an intimation reason write. if give you for minute would sound much like dont care about audience. just monlogue here. but finding necessarily deconstructive reconstructive effort includes must include all ones being. gc came spirit initiated into mode. priest music. not priest. something always given silence wires. here ramble adolescent self praise all. do realize how struggle has been actually say boj ryan--no need feel compelled answer 85161 re lichen on an old fence post christopher t george the picture is wonderful - did you take it --------- time to catalog their look yellow and pallid green colonies thrive patched mounded velvet touch --------------------- in opening strophe show me observer that takes special priv. disturb subject he she observed through i am wondering at this point what effect will have thriving colony implies alien or came from some other location. poem didnt seem use adapted grain burl knots scratches notches such--islanded constellations a river of wood. ---------- seemed be step backwards more observation wood particular piece seems satisfied with instant impression someone's observations not narrative. recommend static words. dont let interfere make him . understand introducing observer. needs development overall nice zen moment would liked ah-ha realization something made worthwhile. thanks for sharing picture. ryan hi no didn't ... found independent writing poem. glad do thank your thoughtful comments suggestions. all my best chris 85166 re animal lens jack m sherry i like this but think a reorganization of the lines would charge it up some. don't quite hit with shuffling did below maybe you will. best electromagnetic radiation and edge your cliff bounces off back inside my eyeball elementary geometry where outer colors leap . come nearer face finger-counting at six feet bubble blind focus fog mine oh lovely selfish world zen quote close. couldn't make these two fit to private myopic wash peace everything s blended 85167 re monologue 3 ryan i see you write that consider this the best ot date fele often - then turn inwards and realize how shit it is not a comment on particular piece but craked me up as never sustain satisfaction anyway nice poem really would like to am actually still at my office yep have much do perhaps will be able tomorrow 85168 re fathers daughters jessica ac snyder overall i like this for the unpretentious yet meaningful scenes it paints. you leave things a bit obscure in few places but not haughty manner obscurity could be natural to child's view of world. that isn't easy do. have suggestions though as am always wont have. title seems vague and or trite hallmark section title. s inappropriate poem probably won t make someone think ooh wonder what has say unless they are greeting card mood. also lovely follows want something more personal. an addict titles myself so feel free ignore me. before sunup anyone stop us we ran path river where opened our bags goldfish see them glow among dark silt. finned language imagery here. fact selfishly more. was did come from maybe give tad specific really alive diction is quite pure conveys childhood image without having blatantly state it. line breaks seem haphazard me--almost random enjambment sake enjambment. do agree should enjamb some here heightened sense motion boisterous frolic youthful actions such these create sort harshness no place soft image. sank gold ships set adrift. contradictory. if adrift floating sinking. please consider revising simile. wet knees searched water dipped wrists. were gone. phrase wrists awkward me hands there word missing. which played with syntax might stand out doesn't fit elegantly simple used far. after mother became heavy step behind bedroom door. rather lines arguably untouchable. almost harsh transition freeing point plainness. m suggesting too much. fits child inability completely grasp adult matters. just will black hid bass coaxed wormy lies awkward. tripping up. on top strange cannot figure lies. perhaps my deficiency however s. he describing darkness object less other hand continually thinking does poet mean higher level interpretive extrapolation necessary full appreciation its purpose guess can suggest add touch clarity again nothing fear. came then swam ______________away. spatial formatting growing course much easier when imagined distracting line. type characters n b p separated by semicolons spaces between characters--i couldn't put letters would read html code show up called non-breaking space post basically at beginning need underline. each group gives single least ten get length want. goldfish. waited their return. work better semicolon long dash non-capitalized we. overdramatic. must break na ve waiting beautiful way end poem. 85169 re monologue 3 ag ryan you didn't read what i wrote. wanted to and consequently misunderstood my pretentions. but it doesn't matter. don't even know if they are i'm happy return music about an 80 page mst that attempted fight with language. that's all saying. those elements were not lost in this. anyway. misread me. going now. have 4 papers due the next week. see write consider this best ot date fele often - then turn inwards realize how shit is a comment on particular piece craked me up as never sustain satisfaction anyway nice poem really would like am actually still at office yep much do perhaps will be able tomorrow 85171 re monologue 3 ryan sorry 85172 re my brother's keeper ryan brother s like smoke from chimney soul body i only visualize steam as it rises the tea kettle. but hear crackle of flames around boiled limbs that flail a wail swallowed by suds. when feet bang against tub feel in chest spectere's thump thump. impact glass on is silent. mother root will not pull garden. she beats dust out rugs bad dogs choking hangs sheets ghosts yard. stir pot stove. and once boils over runs door to wring dirty clothes. know cricket crawls across floor trying be seen. or heard. surely resist an urge sing rub its legs together. clicks tiny footfalls. see path chosen. hands knees stalk cat then give bug for luck don t tell her already knows all these old wives tale. cups insect shaped prayer never utters amen. 85173 re fathers daughters jables jessica-- thank you for the nice advice. i will put it to good use and post revision with new title of course when have absorbed all that needs be done this. you. j. overall like this unpretentious yet meaningful scenes paints. leave things a bit obscure in few places but not haughty manner obscurity could natural child's view world. isn't easy do. suggestions though as am always wont have. seems vague or trite hallmark section title. s inappropriate poem probably won t make someone think ooh wonder what has say unless they are greeting card mood. also lovely follows want something more personal. an addict titles myself so feel free ignore me. language imagery here. fact selfishly more. was path river where did goldfish come from maybe give us tad specific really alive diction is quite pure conveys childhood image without having blatantly state it. line breaks seem haphazard me--almost random enjambment sake enjambment. do agree should enjamb some here heightened sense motion boisterous frolic youthful actions such these create sort harshness no place soft image. contradictory. if adrift floating sinking. please consider revising simile. phrase dipped our wrists awkward me hands there word missing. which played syntax might stand out doesn't fit elegantly simple used far. rather lines arguably untouchable. almost harsh transition freeing point plainness. m suggesting too much. fits child inability completely grasp adult matters. just awkward. tripping up. on top strange cannot figure wormy lies. perhaps my deficiency however s. he black describing darkness object less other hand continually thinking does poet mean higher level interpretive extrapolation necessary full appreciation its purpose guess can suggest add touch clarity again spatial formatting growing much easier imagined distracting line. type characters n b p separated by semicolons spaces between characters--i couldn't them letters would read html code show up called non-breaking space basically at beginning then need underline. each group gives single least ten get length want. work better semicolon long dash non-capitalized we. overdramatic. must break na ve waiting beautiful way end poem. 85174 to add michael mv animal lens great title 85175 re lichen on an old fence post michael mv in accord w ryan the ah-ha moment. according to dictionary is crustlike a fungus usually of class ascomycetes that grows symbiotically with algae resulting composite organism characteristically forms or branching growth rocks tree trunks. so i wonder how accurate velvet touch - although realize might have quality mossy. but emphasis here . think this would benefit from strong perhaps if reduced haiku latches and barks lends it bark scabby patches barking 85177 re monologue 3 ag jesus ryan. ha. i'm just a pretentious fool. no need to be sorry. i get enthused about things and think that other people should as well when clearly enjoying my own samsara. moving onto the next thing. but have this tendency analyze every movement because it seems can grow in way...but good dose of self doubt is always thing glad hit over head by people. enthusiasm poems arises from ironically. so having fun learning think. don't take much what say seriously chuckle...but do feel each new little insight moves me along tinest way. understand misinterpreted. back dat essay. most kindly 85178 re fathers daughters michael mv yes a different title. i like most of the line breaks. in general this poem. below for your consideration before sunup anyone could stop us we ran path to river where opened our bags goldfish -- see them glow dark silt. they finned their sails sank gold ships over horizon. wet knees hand-searched water. but were out sea. now it shifts blakean - goodly s0 after that mother became heavy step behind bedroom door. black hid bass coaxed with wormy lies was nothing fear. came then swam off. goldfish. waited return. thanks read 85179 friend's denial nicole hello fellow writers. well i'm a young writer who has been into the art for number of years now. and just recently i found friend mine written poetry before but never mentioned it to anyone. he wanted honest critism on it. would not believe when told him that love so was wondering if you bunch could give piece bit feedback. be greatly appreciated. no clue memories block out our very reality staines mind help us remember stains like blood whiteness life hard times we arent alone or more think caged evil boils gets sometimes in letting reminds there is pain sits void which only happyness vangishes filled with lifetime untill absent will remain hands wash away its remind better go those again happyest one lets his traped title than any fill foid........... find one........ lesson learend......... dont strive attention meant your u have un thoughts door unhappyness contains unleash crime goes unpunished choices make bring were are destined glow dark shake world 85180 outside play edit2 - slight changes ryan go and before you break something. an all-if-knowing child. watching guernica die. even in a cardboard box smell like secret history or more fragmented. shapes symmetrically bull-horse the intent- ionally concealed skull. shadowy bend. blindfold sev- ers every vocal cord he is dirty. smells clean. has bathtub his kitchen. under water strewn across counter some battlefield your hair face alone window broken. white linen on balcony descend below this all-if-hidden bodega scene same old shit saves idiots. one john revelator means immortality something less conspicuously copied from bible ahh every. ahhh. well thinks it sleep-stolen gnarled apartment. boxing glove nail. somewhere. somehow. bring me mobil oil winged horse. horses what catastrophic-white cancels him skeleton riding o soup can. also shape of paranoia formless hundred-dollar bill if-least. twenty-seven. doses heroin real fire paint erasure tires made entirely old-teeth as samos weepy-gouache-death hanging needle wire canvassed off somewhere not hawaii 85181 re friend's denial ryan welcome to the board you spark my interest - i want know what this pain memory is... perhaps writer would consider adding a layer of concrete ness write something that allows me reader understand make all these abstract ideas. ending falls off course it becomes preachy keep grounded or way ground run through spell check board. kindest- 85182 mrs. merryvale's reprise beau blue late in the afternoon i watch squirrels from my bedroom balcony chasing jays away seeds taking god for granted scream and swoop swear at twitching tails unaware of great hidden sacks full that state god's name with eight glyphs ridge distance silhouettes against a sanguine sky -beau 85184 after our conversation jessica a.c. snyder and if i saw you pause beside the field where we once picked til hands were berry-black mouths same season s sweetest yield of blackberries leapfrogged way back through paths fresh green growth fallen logs to parlors bordered by grown-ups who watched refill their steaming dialogues as often coffee cups would be trying recall which path it was that lead a wandering gang cousins still-ripe memory or your just sort comes with d j vu spoke tonight about past hope first yet believe last. 85185 re lichen on an old fence post annmarie eldon this needs a third - the relationship between observer and either lichens or perhaps drawing out more of difference lichen. is to as human like one fashioned iq questions. best you take time catalog their look yellow pallid green colonies thrive patched mounded velvet touch adapted grain burl knots scratches notches such--islanded constellations river wood. christopher t. george 85186 re lichen on an old fence post jessica a.c. snyder i have read so much stuff of yours here that consider to be good poetry was really surprised by this. it is just not equal your capabilities and hate saying you. love postcard-type poems but there needs something in the painted scene could open exploration--something if you will makes me want put a stamp send others. this poem even seems realize little more than catalog largely unimaginative description with two token metaphors thrown at end. what worth writing about spurred pen paper please give make wish i'd written myself. take time their look yellow why instead difficult pull off second person unless use fresh engaging language imagery reader think ok do are going start stating line breaks list need within promising start. pallid green colonies thrive outside sounds almost purely technical. it's lichen. thrives colonies--that's does. yo've got part grows microorganisms as her job thinking he show interesting these up insight hoping come patched mounded velvet touch again banal sort. descriptor too trite bring down further. adapted grain burl knots scratches notches such--islanded constellations river wood. gets there--it like least leading opening purpose has some euphonic qualities neat image-- islanded --that us new introduce mixing metaphor concentrate all warring into last one half lines can resemble poetry. admit bit harsher perhaps would another no ameteur babied coddled respect mince truths. christopher t. george enough am confounded disappointed. doing honest critique check or 85187 re after our conversation asher dear jessica-- long time no see. good to see you here. basically this poem isn't working for me. it telling me a lot but not opening up reveal what is telling...some lush imagery as usual though steaming dialogues enough keep on the edge of my seat like your ramba how spell poem. phrases such season s sweetest yield still-ripe memory fresh green growth heart thinking thematic tension in notion and deja vous. doesn't enmesh either those elements into its poetics first bit. unsucessfully tries emulate children's language--which makes think that last narrator well. i wonder also if vous can be fresher than because reinactment which suspends present actual experiencing spot time--which ascertained past. so don't really buy ending seems seal too tightly trying sell itself. dunno. best saw pause beside field where we once picked til hands were berry-black mouths same blackberries leapfrogged way back through paths fallen logs parlors bordered by grown-ups who watched refill their often coffee cups would recall path was lead wandering gang cousins or just sort comes with d j vu spoke tonight about past hope yet believe last. 85188 re friend's denial cricket dear nicole-- you write he wanted honest critism on it. tell him should burn it and never look back. that would be the greatest favour could bestow upon him. if asked why to consider herclitus' position flux. sincerely asher hello fellow writers. well i'm a young writer who has been into art for number of years now. just recently i found friend mine written poetry before but mentioned anyone. not believe when told love so was wondering bunch give piece bit feedback. greatly appreciated. no clue memories block out our very reality staines mind help us remember stains like blood whiteness life hard times we arent alone or more think caged evil boils gets sometimes in letting reminds there is pain sits void which only happyness vangishes filled with lifetime untill absent will remain hands wash away its remind better go those again happyest one lets his traped title than any fill foid........... find one........ lesson learend......... dont strive attention meant your u have un thoughts door unhappyness contains unleash crime goes unpunished choices make bring were are destined glow dark shake world 85189 you only live once waiting for sylvia sydney alex stolis your fingers trail a comet through the sky accuse me of certain lies but never ones i ve committed. mother makes manhattan forgets cherries she always forgets. father reads editorial page ny times stop in midair where tail lights and flickers into moon. love smell spring damp soil against knee way leaves on an old maple wave like semaphore we could decipher. untruths that were whispered are now part our folklore winter buried under coat varnish hardwood. is hanging wash feigning interest at what neighbor says garage fixing lawnmower fourth or fifth time summer. remind not permanent borrowed from same seeds planted garden. m unsure constellation stains southern hemisphere uncertain how to dismantle framework past. wipes tears eyes lays quietly his sunday best paints family portrait. pinch cloud between take my last cigarette light it after long drag snuff out dirt. 85190 re after our conversation asher i thought that i'd give this a more detailed consideration since you did in depth critiques and probably don't understand the mess wrote above. if saw pause beside field -i like how poem opens with and. an oral quality to is set up from start sense of not artificial continuity which it later explores thematically. but reinactment past via deja vous or fresh memory as seems argue could be evoked manner etc. where we once picked til hands were berry-black mouths same season s sweetest yield meant say season's other 2 phrases out cliche-sounding. vicereal by berry black metaphorical blah blah. however most strophe sounded overly contrived somewhat vague me. blackberries leapfrogged way back through paths green growth fallen logs -my ryan annmarie offer some white space ideas. breaking certain words such visually display question raises at end. again pretty non-specific. what are talking about here parlors bordered grown-ups who watched refill their steaming dialogues often coffee cups would trying recall path was lead wandering gang cousins still-ripe your just sort comes d j vu spoke tonight hope first yet believe last. -the three lines good. my only problem overtly spells trope imho. part have emerged last four writer rush consider quickly filling blank bridge her insight. perhaps. section emulate questions fooling around tense juxtaposing active passive verb vivid images impress upon reader narrator's seeming proximity memory. you're well chemist. kindest regards cricket 85191 re lichen on an old fence post christopher t george this needs a third - the relationship between observer and either lichens or perhaps drawing out more of difference lichen. is to as human like one fashioned iq questions. best annmarie hi many thanks for your suggestion. much appreciated. chris 85192 re lichen on an old fence post christopher t george hi michael many thanks for your helpful suggestions. appreciated as always. chris in accord w ryan the ah-ha moment. according to dictionary is crustlike a fungus usually of class ascomycetes that grows symbiotically with algae resulting composite organism characteristically forms or branching growth rocks tree trunks. so i wonder how accurate velvet touch - although realize might have quality mossy. but emphasis here . think this would benefit from strong perhaps if reduced haiku latches and barks lends it bark scabby patches barking mv 85193 re lichen on an old fence post christopher t george i have read so much stuff of yours here that consider to be good poetry was really surprised by this. it is just not equal your capabilities and hate saying you. love postcard-type poems but there needs something in the painted scene could open exploration--something if you will makes me want put a stamp send others. this poem even seems realize little more than catalog largely unimaginative description with two token metaphors thrown at end. what worth writing about spurred pen paper please give make wish i'd written myself. why instead difficult pull off second person unless use fresh engaging language imagery reader think ok do are going start stating line breaks list need within yellow promising start. outside pallid sounds almost purely technical. it's lichen. thrives green colonies--that's does. yo've got part grows microorganisms as her job thinking he show interesting these colonies up insight hoping come again banal sort. descriptor velvet touch too trite bring down further. gets there--it like least leading opening purpose has some euphonic qualities neat image-- islanded constellations --that us new take introduce mixing metaphor river wood. concentrate all warring into last one half lines can resemble poetry. admit bit harsher perhaps would another no ameteur babied coddled respect mince truths. t. enough am confounded disappointed. doing honest critique check or aha there's moment ryan michael were looking for. finally i've disappointed sorry promised better. appreciate detailed comments jessica. best chris 85194 re after our conversation pic christopher t george and if i saw you pause beside the field where we once picked til hands were berry-black mouths same season s sweetest yield of blackberries leapfrogged way back through paths fresh green growth fallen logs to parlors bordered by grown-ups who watched refill their steaming dialogues as often coffee cups would be trying recall which path it was that lead a wandering gang cousins still-ripe memory or your just sort comes with d j vu spoke tonight about past hope first yet believe last. hi jessica this is nicely accomplished sonnet. my main nit odd breaks on are unconventional bit unnerving particularly since poem otherwise written. realize these words enable achieve rhyme but think can do better. mean lot me they have featured in number poems. used help grandfather liverpool harvest at bottom his garden. - thought might enjoy accompanying illustration found web. all best chris 85196 re after our conversation bowen jessica i love to see people try write in forms and enjoyed your sonnet. there are some wonderful lush rich images it. would make this do a little more work. kept waiting for twist or surprise that never came. maybe that's the point though. is no surprise. look forward of technical things inside if saw you pause beside field where we once picked til hands were berry-black mouths same season s sweetest yield blackberries leapfrogged way back through paths fresh green growth fallen right around here i'm starting hard pause. can shorten down into couple sentences season's seems too poetic me. loved being logs parlors bordered by grown-ups who didn't seem verb don't have suggestion though replacement. watched refill their steaming dialogues as often coffee cups be trying recall which path it was seemed really flat me hear mouthful get out on first read. lead wandering gang cousins still-ripe memory just sort comes with d j vu wanted know about memory. what spoke tonight past hope yet believe last. interested so you'll tinker repost. best ash 85197 re you only live once waiting for sylvia sydney christopher t george your fingers trail a comet through the sky accuse me of certain lies but never ones i ve committed. mother makes manhattan forgets cherries she always forgets. father reads editorial page ny times stop in midair where tail lights and flickers into moon. love smell spring damp soil against knee way leaves on an old maple wave like semaphore we could decipher. untruths that were whispered are now part our folklore winter buried under coat varnish hardwood. is hanging wash feigning interest at what neighbor says garage fixing lawnmower fourth or fifth time summer. remind not permanent borrowed from same seeds planted garden. m unsure constellation stains southern hemisphere uncertain how to dismantle framework past. wipes tears eyes lays quietly his sunday best paints family portrait. pinch cloud between take my last cigarette light it after long drag snuff out dirt. hi alex this well captured scene. may have missed something can't make full sense possibly refers back analogy wording seem as if referring without attendant metaphor. any rate think need fix word order somehow. metaphor bit extenuated leads strange wording. just thought. piece starts get prosey am sure know either dad has tried mower. following all good stuff there's classical feel passage some rest poem seems lack. ending nicely done although clear why say portrait do mean prose pretty solid needs few things attending finalize it. luck. chris 85198 re this is not your life past tense jack hi laurel. i think you've improved but for one like the immediacy of present tense. yours laurel-- some very nice line in here blue glass clinked breeze as a woman pinned sheets to summer. you'd forgotten road out was orange. west clop and creak horse carriage. interesting images that needed be developed imho you grabbed my wrist neck wine bottle bathetic lines smile--i know i'm an ass - mother's shadow flapped wing. child can drown puddle when no one's looking. we drove home stunned silence into light so bright sudden were temporarily blinded. distance crow cawed tree anything crows personally finished with them gotta consider letting go all wombs poems you're way too good wink contained within breath held watching her son cry mama first stirring. by far worst poem emerged if from dark womb sharpening find them. ha. love asher air always restless here. 85199 re china town draft 1 geoff re. for asher. i have no interest in discovering which is the latest of a jumble drafts. furtive practice to my mind. version read jumped from place without reference what came before or after and that refreshing horrid depending. last half felt need anchor its insubstantiality by using all time. it simply underlined insubstantiality. thank you experience. best yes there was consolidation winter--canadian winter perhaps. we are arctic white snow mobiling perhaps-- along side driveways roiling cloud exhaust. plow hasn't come alongside lonely man cleaver. ha. shrunken pashmina scarf on edge driveway blown off child's breath already her an iguana with red cheeks cherry nose child mean daughter. could almost say snowman were living yard fenced wrought iron. she wanders paper ease writer--to through paragraph unthinking this has cherries cheeks. likeness rum mixed egg nog. rain sops spiny umbrella. walk loose wind lake absentminded landscape tug liking...on dundas street absent bench where met father waves clambering up granite. green tea sponge cake dipped seaming water. here can meet him again recite iqbal accents cannot hear world armoire globe pollen sniffle. grown black mind cardinal crooked branch. backward be startled rotting. so long decayed rock these tombs wipers frozen gasoline moody move even as car stops jolt forward not painting. bowing teeny bed bug eats corpuscle at town. buffeting back avalanche beside me. hang old god but restless cracked like skull dreaming body departed haunt me man's street. 85200 re writer's block mach iii geoff re. writer s for bowen. this is the second version i have read. title still one of greater mysteries. a few lines in tune and lyric beatles hit heard news today oh boy drifted to my head. as read on more it paralleled your piece. that annoying. boy. best what missing an empty bottle or dog barking at nothing. explosion. houses go up flames. camera crews scatter. twelve firemen flame out from high-rise freefall. nothing stops them but dirt. they make hole so deep somebody got measure before local traffic report. across town people are moving each other lives writing long letters don t explain single reason graceful exits. neighborhood plastered with caution man finally ready put his finger into rotary call help. he sees fire falling pulls o stop. daughter voice crackles line. tells her burning has seen bodies piling street apparently eight feet. awkward brush fire. disconnects. thinks theory drink. streetlights walk their glow meridian. worry building dogs bark bottles roll. 85201 roll call geoff . beaten by rains the man-tall pyramid of snow retires to child-height in our bared yard scarlet from scalp wing-tip a full cardinal poses upon one treetop branch rather like that ruled this young elm an earlier year -- but it's not another stranger some other observer leone 85202 re after our conversation geoff re. coversation. for jessica a.c. snyder. i appreciate the work involved with these careful and effective rhymes. experience however sudden jumps in logic. lack understanding of what is being suggested second half if anything it unprepared. few repetitions sake meter let pass silently. as bug says his guide to rhyming perfecting one's rhymes must not take precedence over an intelligent unified poem. a hard counsel he neglects say how this wonderful state affairs could be fulfilled. best saw you pause beside field where we once picked til hands were berry-black mouths same season s sweetest yield blackberries leapfrogged way back through paths fresh green growth fallen logs parlors bordered by grown-ups who watched refill their steaming dialogues often coffee cups would trying recall which path was that lead wandering gang cousins still-ripe memory or your just sort comes d j vu spoke tonight about past hope first yet believe last. 85203 re friend's denial geoff re. denial. for nicole. believe it or not nicole many lowlives here have already guessed that this piece is your own. awful isn't so don't talk to strangers by any means if friend wishes post his he welcome do so. needs a third party dubious proposition. after all might be simply tremendous and someone else perhaps you will run off with make mint of money. in short aside from sticking sweet neck painful ways probably no legal right life the next else's work. passing thought on life's journey hello fellow writers. well i'm young writer who has been into art number years now. just recently i found mine written poetry before but never mentioned anyone. wanted honest critism it. would when told him love was wondering bunch could give bit feedback. greatly appreciated. clue memories block out our very reality staines mind help us remember stains like blood whiteness hard times we arent alone more think caged evil boils gets sometimes letting reminds there pain sits void which only happyness vangishes filled lifetime untill absent remain hands wash away its remind better go those again happyest one lets traped title than fill foid........... find one........ lesson learend......... dont strive attention meant u un thoughts door unhappyness contains unleash crime goes unpunished choices bring were are destined glow dark shake world 85204 re go outside and play... edit geoff re. play before you break something. for ryan. if this piece wanted to irritate the reader it achieved its goal. is there nothing sacred shame i grew up with picasso's guernica especially on lifesize jigsaw puzzle was a great refreshment kids at greta garbo home waifs those long arctic evenings. poet can decide seduce inform amuse or amaze him even. but do not recommend irritate. lots of that going around anyway. best an all-if-knowing child. watching die. even in cardboard box smell like secret history more fragmented. shapes symmetrically bull-horse intent- ionally concealed skull. shadowy bend. blindfold sev- ers every vocal cord. he dirty. has bathtub his kitchen. under water pots strewn across counter. some battlefield your hair face alone window broken. white linen balcony descend below all-if-hidden bodega scene same old shit saves idiots. one john revelator means immortality something less conspicuously copied from bible ahh every. ahhh. well thinks sleep-stolen gnarled apartment. boxing glove nail. somewhere. somehow. bring me mobil oil winged horse. horses what catastrophic-white cancels skeleton riding o soup can. also guernica--shape paranoia truer form hundred-dollar bill stupefied over flowing phlox groceries if-least. twenty-seven. doses heroin real fire paint erasure tires made entirely thorns as samos weepy-gouache-death hanging needle wire canvassed off somewhere hawaii 85205 re writer's block mach iii bowen geoff a comparison to day in the life is compliment i'm more than happy accept. thanks for stopping by. re. writer s bowen. this second version i have read. title still one of greater mysteries. few lines tune and lyric beatles hit heard news today oh boy drifted my head. as read on it paralleled your piece. that annoying. boy. best 85206 re go outside and play... edit ryan well the piece was actually made to irritate you alone smile kidding it wasnt supposed be about guernica but i can see how might people especially that do not understand orig painting so ill-received in some communities circles. think its great - stared at for hours when this piece. an internet pixilated version watched movie basquiat umpteeth time since love begin with him a gallary his mom hiw crying anyway my entry point into poem is because am god of make anyone cry it. once again sorry meaner writting more respect have subject. picasso. basquiat. thanks reading 85208 re animal lens sherry sweet si mon the sun is shining and it's spring break. snow white melting like a frozen ice desert on 43-degree holiday sidewalk. beautiful i'm very particular about word choice during revision i know you that--but quite possible could have chosen wrong here there. grin thanks for reading commenting. flow purposeful i've been working this silly little thing while now. s. your poems that first 2nd 3rd readings want to resist parts object. but then read again talk myself out of it or into it. instance eyeball seemed be too much thought bounce made right. elementary geometry not add just my only suggestion because feel need get at least 2 cents cut in last line. enjoyed -- 85209 re animal lens sherry just playing hi ryan thanks for with me. i'm having a difficult time all these markings and i appreciate the effort it took you to do them. won't hurt my feelings bit if want rewrite thing have that many changes. in fact i'd it. could save us both bunch of time. love s. electro magnetic radiation bounces off back f inside eyeball like geometry elementary geometry. finger-counting at six feet. oh lovely selfish world where outer colors leap private myopic wash peace everything s blended zen quote close fog focus mine blind bubble blind. nearer come your face edge on cliff. in-side eyeball's off-geometry piece blind-bubble. cliff edge. 85210 m.i.a. bowen the letter sat outside two days gathering smell of america until it was fourth july and everywhere scent holidays coming to an end half-eaten burgers hard under legs a fly limp smoke from barbecue grills. inside mother licked last minutes day wet cube ice. jack lemon s face made joke on station odd couple late show. past ten still missing in act one our brother that him over fence ball glove yearbook photo . beside pool summer he showed me his rubbers i got boner touching their raised circles. kitchen are letters county whose shape have learned cronkite. my reads them rehearse sound voice. at night sleep top bunk think m high enough know world. 85211 re m.i.a. dgc the most intriging aspect of your poem is narrator's detachment from characters in piece refering to mother and brother but never by name. become grotesque-- licks ice cube like a snake hint possible sexual misconduct on part teh toward speaker. however it wasn't enough for me. i wanted more because i'm not sure how supposed feel about going mia letter sat outside two days gathering smell america. s fourth july everywhere scent coming an end -half-eaten burgers hard under legs fly limp smoke barbecue grills. inside last minutes day wet ice. jack lemon face makes joke station odd couple late show. past ten now still missing act one our brother. that him over fence ball glove yearbook photo. beside pool he showed me his rubbers got boner touching their raised circles. kitchen are letters county whose shape have learned cronkite. reads them rehearse sound voice. at night sleep top bunk think m high see world. 85212 re animal lens sherry hi ag thanks for all these thoughts and the time it took to rework this. like i told ryan won't hurt my feelings a bit if you just want do rewrite without marks when have this many changes. break idea but would see better those marks. what's with link lol wanted juxtaposition of technical poem most gets is first line because sound lends itself an opening music me--then flows down eventually way emotional state. use back inside eyeball rhythm get say all. grin will try decipher rest though from take some your changes may change meaning too much i'm reading right under . anyway again s. sherry-- consider breaking up into three haiku-like--don't stangle me hannah--parts in string succession. here's example. love title electromagnetic radiation off eyeball... look exact anatomical name http www.nei.nih.gov health eyediagram e elementary geometry f inger-counting at six feet under-- o h lovely selfish world where uter colors leap private myopic wash -- peace everything s blended zen quote close -strongest section imho. focus fog mine bubble blind. edge cliff. so ha--note view dis ha plays retina... finger-counting oh outer come nearer face. 85213 re animal lens sherry hi jack thanks for stopping in on this. hey your shuffling ruined my final-hook attached-couplet l didn't work you huh it's supposed to be a drastic shift of concern there. will look through stuff with serious eye. love s. 85214 re to add sherry thanks michael yeah that title is supposed explain a lot. doesn't look like it did it's job very well according the crits. love s. animal lens great mv . 85215 man with guitar dgc the cells in this mahoganony once sung light and improvised seasons. now they are a skeleton through which another's existence sounds. one hand plucks three strings other holds them down. it is length in-between that mimicks scream his lungs beg to vent. note suggests movemnet chord noosed by melody neck stangled like soaked rag music runs blue all things drips into our ears. 85216 re m.i.a. ryan yes 85217 re m.i.a. ryan days and still missing in act one was our brother that s him ----------- thing - i stumbled a bit on break maybe punctuation yes 85218 re m.i.a. bowen ryan okie-dokie. will look into that stumble. thanks for reading. best a. days and still missing in act one was our brother s him ----------- thing - i stumbled a bit on break maybe punctuation yes 85219 re m.i.a. bowen dgc thanks for reading and taking the time to suggest. i appreciate it. will look into making brother more important. again. best a. most intriging aspect of your poem is narrator's detachment from characters in piece refering mother but never by name. become grotesque-- licks ice cube like a snake hint possible sexual misconduct on part teh toward speaker. however it wasn't enough me. wanted because i'm not sure how supposed feel about going mia 85220 re animal lens ryan i did re-write it appears under the version with all my markings 85221 re m.i.a. yoly hi ash- this seems a little darker than most of your other stuff. i got weirded out with the boner brother line. it is very intriguing piece. feels like should be part novel. peace letter sat outside two days gathering smell america until was fourth july and everywhere scent holidays coming to an end half-eaten burgers hard under legs fly limp smoke from barbecue grills. inside mother licked last minutes day wet cube ice. jack lemon s face made joke on station odd couple late show. past ten still missing in act one our that him over fence ball glove yearbook photo . beside pool summer he showed me his rubbers touching their raised circles. kitchen are letters county whose shape have learned cronkite. my reads them rehearse sound voice. at night sleep top bunk think m high enough know world. 85222 re you only live once waiting for sylvia sydney yoly hi alex- this starts out promising but the steam slowly leaves after mother hangs wash.. i go feeling girl was very young because her wipes tears then she steals speaker's cig.. overall not a bad just lacking little yo no se que. peace your fingers trail comet through sky accuse me of certain lies never ones ve committed. makes manhattan forgets cherries always forgets. father reads editorial page ny times stop in midair where tail lights and flickers into moon. love smell spring damp soil against knee way on an old maple wave like semaphore we could decipher. untruths that were whispered are now part our folklore winter buried under coat varnish hardwood. is hanging wash feigning interest at what neighbor says garage fixing lawnmower fourth or fifth time summer. remind permanent borrowed from same seeds planted garden. m unsure constellation stains southern hemisphere uncertain how to dismantle framework past. eyes lays quietly his sunday best paints family portrait. pinch cloud between take my last cigarette light it long drag snuff dirt. 85224 re berele titiana t-- for god's sake then let's make some babies. ha - i know you're not crazy zany. like that and as the chapatis which can't spell . used to work in a south indian restaurant so can dosais ha. golden with ghee crisp enough become soggy an hour later but neither were they hard cookies. adorned wisp of corriander coconut chutney. idliiiiiiiiiiis. idlis. my god. india. would go back just idliiiiiiis. could eat them all life every day. here i've been killing myself burgers when was vegetarian last year. fell through ceiling this you wouldn't marry me i'm currently completely neurotic plan on undoing various knots got tied into. lord. think monk at heart. marriage be good send email we'll discuss vegas...aghaffer uwo.ca really. that's how zany we be. ag lol sorry haitus honey massive probs. understatement really listen -- starting these prearranged marriages might such bad thing chutney well what say hungry your hehe i'll soon sane --and tie knot have babies fun stuff one more do change poopie diaper asher tit 85225 shots of spring yoly you re in my coral apron with the tractor patch kneeling on raised soil and sunlight squinting at camera. zephyr wind blows hair over lens part comes through me. flowerbed is made. daffodils proudly present trumpets to their maker. insist i get photo show up flowers. m grubby overalls your cotton tee. lucky chases boots cat. look away profile pointing dust tails. chicago s meadow wrigley field hold a bud light. ryno blasts one past ivy leaves gets holy cow from harry bliss 35mm film. bring crocus for saffron blossoms fragrance call out you. open pantry door. hiding take close-up freckles nose. ladybug leaps calyx shoulder light leans forward. hand me calla gold band it. jump into arms kissing before yessing gift passerby polaroid quick spring. 85226 re animal lens sherry i did re-write it appears under the version with all my markings lol ooops.... scanned and still saw those parentheses plus signs....sorry. s. 85227 re friend's denial titiana dear nicole-- you write he wanted honest critism on it. tell him should burn it and never look back. that would be the greatest favour could bestow upon him. if asked why to consider herclitus' position flux. sincerely asher hello fellow writers. well i'm a young writer i don't want marry anymore you're mean cruel what happened little cricket your future wife t 85228 posting rules hannah nicole- please do not post someone else's work on this forum under your name. only does cause confusion in terms of ownership and responsibility... but it's pointless for us to give you critique friend's poem. part being ready the workshop experience is willing able present own be a dialogue with critics. if friend isn't he'll just have content impressions his work. -hannah 85229 re m.i.a. bowen thanks yoly. weirded out. is that good or bad lol for the read. best ash hi ash- this seems a little darker than most of your other stuff. i got out with boner brother line. it very intriguing piece. feels like should be part novel. peace yoly 85230 re friend's denial cricket t i was dishonest in a previous life and decieved myself others. ha. king of sorts now have all these enemies swarming around me like red ants. so i'll try to be honest with sometimes it means mean...but we'll see what we can do. if someone blatently asks for honesty though then assume they're being and. leap occasion at finding other souls. offer them good books read about fire etc. bored the sign bull as wrote that bears any clews. anyway. marriage is off eh. shouldn't clutter board though. sorry hannah et al. will cease. cricketo don't want marry you anymore you're mean cruel happened little your future wife 85231 hannah m if anyone sees please tell her to come home and answer my questions. 85232 re hannah m oh imeant to leave what is finished of my poem annie s biggest failure was her vision not actual but virtual being able envision insects becoming the size gophers and living in rented studio apartment where boyfriend alfred died while shaving. it seemed liked yesterday that painted pony held herself danced jug band ate chocolate as if going out style. decided eat found them tasty like rabbit father fed after an all day hunt on their farm virginia. learned play a violin when she five read books could find except bible which never read. atheist would cook breakfast for although many believed god rabbits abounded farm. along with birds weeds rocks. grass high. soon sam dalton bought young woman love ashamed big feet. tweeee went one bird. then silence caused resort anger. he bashed large stick against water pail declared d save until world ended. had years now saturday make-believe giraffes worth effort. other words there hope. i am twenty cried no repudiated. chapter jewelry attracted way jelly-fish did so moved memphis started hair salon. built kitchen cabinets loved graceland. several limelights few gasconades viola who knew floodgates opened they tunafish sandwiches nights end wine crackers. hail rosary group bed-heads garcia waived bubblegum shit-music mean hell does anyone have hold realm shortly means outstripped kept moving further away happiness. be continued sees please tell come home answer questions. 85233 re friend's denial nicole t i was dishonest in a previous life and decieved myself others. ha. king of sorts now have all these enemies swarming around me like red ants. so i'll try to be honest with sometimes it means mean...but we'll see what we can do. if someone blatently asks for honesty though then assume they're being and. leap occasion at finding other souls. offer them good books read about fire etc. bored the sign bull as wrote that bears any clews. anyway. marriage is off eh. shouldn't clutter board though. sorry hannah et al. will cease. cricketo don't want marry you anymore alrite thank guys. brad shy just getting into poetry he didn't kno where go. wanted some feedback on from people who weren't nice hah cricket ur honesty. it's much appreciated. lieing pointless. wud post here too he'd like. heh no guarantees tho. posting anothers work. didnt mean harm. first time discussion board. everything. return my work another probably till then. 85234 poki asher limbo was used by ecclesiastical writers of the 16th and 17th centuries a person as being component part church don once said. i wrote this poem in reverse order. supposed to start with reading about plato's noumenal world or his lap. rust spangled shopping cart scraped pavement on richmond dundas street near second cup. they called him pocket man because he had these seamless pockets filled mediterranean sand chap books sack italian wind that drew traffic off course sailed adriatic sea hunted possums jackknife pelje ac peninsula we imagined an octopus other life. writer hydra armed beded ha d pop up where you least expect hole bar doing zennist exercises crumpled copy howl beside laquer finished sink dispensed soap for hands offered large array cologne probably concocted same washroom. what remember were animated conversations plato botticelli maharishi. twinkle nickel air. flipped humble chapeau learned poetry gig merlin kindergarten class. know never grow old just on. don't how did it like flicking switch. days keep seeing around campus tim hortons he's always looking at lap you'd hope dog. carries grocery bags god knows. are full hands. so from been reels back s standing. microphones not working set lights off. slam is finished. someone won hundred bucks romba poem. love ending pockets. could bum quarter when out limb. 85235 re china town draft 1 asher thanks for reading sir. appreciate the comments. kindest ag re. asher. i have no interest in discovering which is latest of a jumble drafts. furtive practice to my mind. version read jumped from place without reference what came before or after and that refreshing horrid depending. last half felt need anchor its insubstantiality by using all time. it simply underlined insubstantiality. thank you experience. best geoff yes there was consolidation 85236 digging cricket on the road again canadian road-- off to arkansas dig crystals with roger mine a hive and mind open sewer--the car jostles leaves of grass under its torque hung curtains back landscape steam like turkish hookah hump mumble thimble my tummy tum tum. in minuscule shards lost man. i can finally say am let loose flagellating arms drive itself ditch stream out hood. tail pipe is dragging along screech hoot morning night owl stilling absence. that was another place when he discombobulated mountain where sannyasins sang hardy hara har. lip bowl sun filled jelly fish. highway climbed mountain. ha. circled myself. hum. did abdominal breathing became woman labor just that. tragically hip playing we are jiving juice. ah banyan. wherever you go india drags behind you. delicious sunrise be had. crystal grid body two descends earth pick axe. little hobo boy penury smiles from texas. stippled red lumber shirt next moment dressed sackcloth pulled over by cops load giggling girls his story cave met him 4 hours up sangre de cristos mountains drumming buffalo skin. accused rape rapping at door. slept sofa doe. fairy meadows were storm high desert mid april. water chimed crystalline supposed for crystals. there had what boon. searching seams aruna hill it frayed dhoti rain shed last scalp. said this over. set house middle thimble. went thread flung seams. hour before departed souls rise tar wheel still spinning vertiginous. but poem as spun man or raised havoc earth. found crystal. yield stop sign must tell truth matter. matter changing every seed hum begin quest 3. find center 85237 re mrs. merryvale's reprise cyocom hi beau a few inlines. i think the poem's title creates an expectation of merryvale but poem starts with intimate 'i' which disolves completely by end. keep your viewpoint and speaker clear. noi late in afternoon watch squirrels from my bedroom balcony chasing jays away seeds taking god for granted ----grammar confusion here. i'd put chase present tense. who is scream swoop swear at twitching tails unaware great hidden sacks full that state god's name eight glyphs ----the alliteration too much this. cut it to or better one them. are awkward. wonder if you could just say 'unaware sacks'. glyphs. oh man. had complete meltdown comprehension. ridge distance silhouettes against sanguine sky ----resist temptation end on poetic note. this not only seems have nothing do sure doesn't anything . -beau blue 85238 re mapping the furnace room g.c. hi asher i'm surprised no one commented on this and so i think i'll give it a brief read. title is fantastic organizing conceit of poem also. in fact only real suggestions have for are edits. there moments when trying too hard to make its points about ethnicity history. tend toward view that heavier subject lighter more effective touch. realize other ways look at this. but me part point entering work out certain big issues myself--with poem's help--rather than being told from within by poet what should be thinking or feeling. i've experimented with some cuts below--you might compare my version yours. also few closing remarks. i. he was child had passion house earth archaeology de stratifying stratifying. imagining maps his cobbled mind. walked around block question mind been forged house. like who am here upon arriving same where would blaze up. an inflammatory went fill pitcher distilled water clambered over mountain photo albums arrive distiller why end weird punctuation since you don't do anywhere else little brother s dreams back thunder bay. terrified absent place buried gable. dream. add another scale already bat-like existence stumbling as walking through heat place. if kept oneself open long either sear them cold bones release stories. way simply lovely. we picture newspaper clipping dad topping class pakistan never getting job because wasn t white enough pakistan. gentleman bric brac britain old clocks telephones. floor uninviting were skis imaginary mountains soon objects could yearn absence independent life doors closed those opening hinge unhinge dogs still run their paws twitched die did fight argument landscape vast atom -- disappearance into tropics. love white. act our parts slightly change names lost letters now living unhinged kill you. again modulated thermostat invite guests fuse choked light fire. drive fires prove ourselves. win lotteries even though winners feudalists. least father coming feudal ethos. tell mother spend money groceries her walk 3 miles carry back. possibility divorce. she whiten able find job. cut paragraph. obvious-- made case family's humanity really typical pakistani-canadian sexist pig which extrapolated translates couldn't escape identities. much complex that--what says both identity mere denial. must keep start new section it-- such strong ending first keeps focus eponymous room. after several readings paragraph moving directly secret hate past. ii. arrived having left. always leave door past bullock cart servant congenial conversations grammar words children figure. better verb otherwise taught mater tongue. tongued weaned strikes simplistic given immense wrenching complexity saying here. not them. seems blunter cleaner deadlier heart stanza saying. hut india charred side air without mountain. scattered clothes dead whose name archive point. each twisting winding now. space auditory clacking hinges humming morning bamboo frames somewhere mackerel slipping fingers father's childhood. sugar cane clattering hexing sentence move remembered. word dismembered member family. plates underneath quake cleave forge signature again. shift canada. anywhere. problem me. thing caters western images india--in unhelpful argue. need exoticism has established unique ethnocultural ground. shorten revising obvious markers working levels . here's winding. something --i needs short sentnece pacing's sake. carefully. iv. happened iii. wrinkle desired immortality before noble intensions send home visited disowned landed nowhere became busy someone people imagined successful. son useless. useless all ever wanted him something. will 1947 child. gave speech formation country--pakistan. grow old. killed hindu. remember. may thrown knife indus. indus testify eats away shore autoimmune disease. bodies mouth train jalandhar amritsar. confusion tried get shot leg dangling off platform. these por traits draped linen snow covers tracks detour unwalk unwalking mean backwards let melt ll feet. winged perhaps. two stanzas history lesson overpowers poem. try circle titular unbalanced ultimate gesture litle late. --that said your impulses sound cutting wants. home. yes stand bluntly irreducibly. country. left tracks. backwards. dividing up sake time unfold. final analysis idea backwards--i.e. can cannot unmap remap different perspective. indissolubility penultimate reference canada feet hesitant hopeful. however last quickly wish perhaps three sentences imparting sensual vivid information help link reader speaker's canadian childhood adulthood between it's pacing balance very achieve--in terms narrative knowing does along achieving personal historical sense impossible. hope helpful. close feeling finished polished resonant largely language specific b fresh itself. quick select additions you're there. --gc 85240 re corrected revised g.c. hi simon and nice to meet you. i wanted comment on this one but i'm reluctant because the first posting said parts 2 3 out of how many course is same title you gave a very different poem part 1 several days ago. always critique that excerpted from larger structure--because it's impossible for me evaluate full architecture therefore excerpt functions within it. perhaps you've explained what you're up here at some earlier point either way could fill in now lovely though it has do with follows am not sure. best gc 85242 re poki ryan i read this 50 times - it is really good. there were a few places wished for break as took me 10-12 reads to get into the flow which eventually came sorry i'm slow orig. posted comment and tried down form myself wound up too focused on creation vs. morals am guessing way hell off-base. gut-sense that about something more important speaker not quite ready ask what yet still struggling through but dont have any nits far one can nit without good understanding of they're reading keeping at -as you been giving lot challenging such learning writer myself. thanks 85243 re china town draft infinity g.c. what you all don't know is that even as asher was pelting the block with drafts he sending me my own special drafts--at least two of them. no offense but sometimes just need to hold 'em and hope other side doesn't have a full house. it's better way pod people say in invasion body snatchers . much i regret geoff's curtness he's really right. i've followed these now clear mud me. which pity because there's good poem lurking deep down inside. i'm convinced that. going run last sent directly may or not coincide posted this board. best can do. generally post single let comments accumulate consider them whether you've been tinkering meantime then move forward toward some synthesis rejection critiques at hand. more throw us swiftly less we will get out process. yes there consolidation winter--canadian winter perhaps. are place arctic white snowmobiling perhaps along driveways roiling cloud exhaust dundas street. boy-mind drawing maps. green maps on unboiled apple skin. treasure cochlea. his brother recorded every word said. can't gable unless you're stable retrospect lines first. laurel's right an indigestible lump esp. such lush line 1. it seems idea --of moving from fragmentary experience narrative self maybe located created--is crucial poem's overall purpose aim. after indecision leave in. working up point via association past tense. think lushness language keeps without resistance. unifies catalogue impressions both setting implication they're being drawn through eyes perception child doubly needle memory odd phrase--is colloquialism missed love sound parse it. snow plough hasn't come alongside lonely man cleaver. ha. shrunken pashmina scarf edge driveway blown off by child's breath already her iguana red cheeks cherry for nose--the mean daughter. into verb trouble here tenses. governing tense has should be hadn't rather than terms plow's delayed arrival similary why change third run-on sentence ssems contrary syntactic strategies insofar we've nose something else so very predictable--a real loss vivid descriptive energy doing well front. she played veena one stringed disappeared fingers. aba plays anymore listens. could almost snowman were living yard fenced wrought iron. would contract lines. anymore-- wanders paper ploughs paragraph unthinking if your cherries cheeks. likeness rum mixed egg nog. rain sops spiny umbrella. description interesting be. like basic figure wandering paper-snow you'll render vividly. further child. mine expedriment ways trope brainstorming plies crisp crust. skates etch palmer town's college rule. something....and ultimately decided none worked resort skippig eggnog. walk loose wind lake ontario absentminded landscape waves clambering granite. tug liking... street absent bench where met father. glad entirely before. about makes resonant adjective sure established rubric interpreting this. speaker's liking sensual null--we feels feel only take pleasure. again how visually father tea sponge cake dipped s t eaming cane sugar water. meet him recites iqbal accents cannot hear. wrote patriotic poems pakistan. went cambridge. died unhappy. world armoire kensington market ragweed pollen didn't recite first meeting recitation speaker hear sniffle. grown black mind cardinal crooked juniper branch. backwards darned rotting. rotting darning sock do damn chinaman's cafe packed. registers jangling. bought royal jelly. jelly work. wood ear mushroom. effeminate rocks mausoleums blunt specificity four sentences section--i wouldn't word. bitter irony cafe. scotched. does rock heaped dead buried overwritten striving metaphorical resonance earned mantra want back ears. wipers frozen gasoline moody car stops--jolts buckle son emily carr painting. bowing teeny bed bug eats corpuscle twin town. well. got way. begin derail any sort essential gesture making--i.e. basis journey. trapped grainy canadian remake blade runner harrison ford sensitive young poet hurtling exoticized landscape. beg reconsider. work doing. namgyal cleaned cut lavender changed name holly. buffeting avalanche around younge hang old god birch restless cracked skull dreaming departed man's journey stall eddy move--by poet's fiat--back opening simultaneously identity crisis. sorry ending basically muddle. meaning elements they seem arrive rush mangle. feeling revisions remains considerably sum its parts. forth using specific yes. order must following things 1 inhere within universe created engendering reader access 2 cue motion --in space time memory--which central flow. roll over wave leaving winded drenched. lot material present poem. isn't held vocabulary--it's rhetorical decisions keep diction clearest advantage. that's view. i'd quietly slip desk drawer month meantime. fever dream cause one. helpful gc 85244 re poki ryan i love limbo limb really like this piece - am determined to get a place where feel got what needed from this. 85245 re after our conversation jessica a.c. snyder thanks for the critiques darlin. and it's good to see you too--you're one i miss when can't come out play. you've given me a lot think about sure. always difficult be objective confessional style poem so i'm glad posted it here feedback. between yours some others may able get this where want it. hope an edit done soon. 85246 re poki ryan i think am starting to get a good picture here don this cast away bathroom attendent worldy and knowledable he seems embody the knowledge knows - as if is his own thing soul too natural perhaps not right for world that so materialistic bent on finding meaning in everything yet at same time lives most artificial life by interesting duality character sure still off but feel like getting something anyway wont keep responding myself now want reading curious see where end up my thanks challenge 85247 re after our conversation jessica a.c. snyder love the pic it could have been stolen from memory this poem is built around. blackberries were special to me too and largely one of my happiest childhood memories blackberry picking wiht sister cousins. i'll take your advice into consideration when i'm fiddling with this--i often put much emphasis on purpose meaning or form comes choosing breaks--i was worried that these might bring sense underlying bitterness fore. if they really disturbed you perhaps do. thanks for read ctg. 85248 re after our conversation jessica a.c. snyder i love to see people try write in forms and enjoyed your sonnet. there are some wonderful lush rich images it. would make this do a little more work. kept waiting for twist or surprise that never came. maybe that's the point though. is no surprise. really disturbs me wanted be sense of fellow participant at times memory might not remember it all. need change couplet which i've been considering changing anyway drive home loss felt realizing my sister shared same moments with but remembers completely different childhood. found lot ponder critique think much will quite useful when revise. have one possible instant revision want opinion you said know about still-ripe memory. what was if changed lines lead gang wandering cousins still ripe memory... clear blackberry picking leapfrogging etc described above 85249 re hannah asher m-- this is pretty good piece of writing. ha. the narrative aspects it are working hard and not really sacrificing poetic elements. speech woven in out an unifying fashion. i'm slightly jealous please be kind enough to show us next part s if you feel so inclined. structure something what i want learn...my current problem with annie did that sort generic aspects. but then could put construction under question vis parody irony deliberate self-consciousness see better. does read like a poem however which accomplishment. again stratify here there break voice offer another take layer--if were after that. sometimes introduce element nothing becomes poetry. krotesch how elements can weave rather than being introduced abandoned. yes agree view understand correctly. scattering seeds as have been told often perhaps should return those later. lord do would real accomplishment imho. regards oh imeant leave finished my biggest failure was her vision actual virtual able envision insects becoming size gophers living rented studio apartment where boyfriend alfred died while shaving. seemed liked yesterday painted pony held herself danced jug band ate chocolate going style. decided eat found them tasty rabbit father fed all day hunt on their farm virginia. learned play violin when she five books find except bible never read. atheist cook breakfast for although many believed god rabbits abounded farm. along birds weeds rocks. grass high. soon sam dalton bought young woman love ashamed big feet. tweeee went one bird. silence caused resort anger. he bashed large stick against water pail declared d save until world ended. had years now saturday make-believe giraffes worth effort. other words hope. am twenty cried no repudiated. chapter jewelry attracted way jelly-fish moved memphis started hair salon. built kitchen cabinets loved graceland. several limelights few gasconades viola who knew floodgates opened they tunafish sandwiches nights end wine crackers. hail rosary group bed-heads garcia waived bubblegum shit-music mean hell anyone hold realm shortly means outstripped kept moving further away happiness. continued 85252 re this is not your life g.c. hi laurel in general i too prefer the present tense so version i'm going to critique. for everyone sorry but short if by time get poem on board you've already posted a revision skip next thread. please give us all some digest actually before re- or un-writing it. air always restless here. blue glass clinks breeze as woman pins sheets summer. very nice understated opening. like. mother's shadow flaps and like wing. she curses dust wing why don't want reject crows outright predictable image. what else could flap brainstorm laurel. there's nothing wrong with poems except that you often allow yourself feel content less than sharp turn of phrase. ...this scene--mother prairie wind rural disenchantment--we think we know. work within scene. also freshen would be an ideal place insert gem-like simile through which re-view entire scene pathos wonder. balances basket her hip tells it's dinner ignore her. distance verisimitude issue mother tell from laundry line go back into house put finishing touches telling crow caws tree no one listens. incorrect. poet at least listens gives lie figure. also--can't do something les caw coughs tree. can't have few vivid nouns here dilates hedge apple. shakespeares elm. genuflects its vial stone. know baroque trying up language just little bit. yes significant portion generic order emphasize drabness landscape. verbs must imbue it describes life. child can drown puddle when one's looking. turns head says come in. she's said this. aphorism does indeed off flat. perhaps earlier seemed sharper flatness tone make sentiment work.... remember brother's name still recall silent kicking legs even after edges corn husks verisimilitude again. possible any mythic parabolic realistic construction events landscape far forget his need clearer idea demise getting sort perverted children corn-maximum overdrive cross feral sentient combine. really doubt intend.... blur blades grass merge sky blackens. road out orange. every morning you're born night. strange new world compass. east much picks steam heads toward denouement. --well since level about seeking identity direction harsh seemingly arbitrary obvious compass lightning rod chimney astrolabe pair oven mits ...and vivify adjectives blackens tea pot's hiss. west clop creak horse carriage. south threshold tripped over north silence contained breath held watching son cry mama catch grasshopper am troll doesn't me. agreed--she watch then won't able hear words. held. standard trope feminist encounter poetry circa 1971. seems fresh esp. context obviously construct meant read symbolically. image needs render dramatically vividly without business. completing rose more important offer apex. hopping across floor drop apron pocket say too. emerge dark womb emerging theater mind because me point poem--with themes unborn lost particular especially conception pun intended womanhood should mean down farm primed worst way. context--woman child--will endow source emergence wombhood hand roll wilted newspaper macrame planter andy warhol's soup cans. worth noting risky introduce thereby create animates action end. sure how bit gimicky terms solicting reader's involvement empathy. ...did anyone way key move empathetic sense fulcrum movement displacing embracing invested we. i'd love others' thoughts.... light bright sudden we're temporarily blinded. drive --no stay away carol ann oh sorry. expect such enormously high quality throw prefab images twitchy. hope forgive home stunned survivors surprised alive. tomorrow survived banalities death took brother deployment word implies drama hasn't earned. you'll hold my wrist neck wine bottle pour. eyes squeezed shut beautiful. insist gather coke bottles hang them cherry right now. ending fine though cognitive imagistic dissonance between bottles. allowing moments autopilot poem's real problem has gestures rather simply isn't enough invest extent readers are brought certain power resonance situation possess. failure vision per se. attempts stretch further will allow. question viewing draft narrative scaffolding. basic intact. were probably play infamous n 7 oulipo game force well-worn channels import craziness language. forth random wordplay actual desire until two stunning essential poem. --gc p.s. title offsets throwing whole aporia. explanation origin understand now independent circumstance works. 85254 re shots of spring asher hi yoly-- hope you're well. i offered a couple edits below for your consideration new title perhaps is little generic although do like i'm ambivalent about the bit. another word with more texture if that makes any sense. use this online thesarus now as write which helps me great deal. you in my coral apron tractor patch -i thought poem could somehow purge itself aiming second person some way. probably it can't... kneeling on raised soil and sunlight squinting at camera. zephyr wind blows hair over lens part comes through me. --definitely would consider losing rather colloquial puts almost immediately into romantic genre reconsider one those large unifying concepts don't quite amount to much reader. dunno suppose personal feel no need go further be honest... idea obstructing causing her see relational fluid aspect their codependent being. insight seems heart make such presuming statement. but then picture constituting self redundent. obstruction interested flowerbed made. daffodils proudly present trumpets maker. insist get photo show up flowers. m grubby overalls cotton tee. lucky chases boots cat. look away profile pointing dust tails. -ok so whose holding camera end...well. ok. chicago s meadow wrigley field hold bud light. ryno blasts past ivy leaves gets holy cow from harry bliss 35mm film. bring crocus saffron blossoms fragrance call out you. open pantry door. hiding take close-up freckles nose. ladybug leaps calyx shoulder light leans forward. hand calla gold band it. jump arms kissing before yessing gift passerby polaroid quick spring. --i'm not sure anyway lacks interesting language start an trope was cut off didn't follow introduced. 85256 re poki jessica a.c. snyder my initial crit drop the dictionary sounding first lines about limbo and gaudy insertion of poet stating he has already ruined poem start right in with meat--because i'm quite loving carnivorous urges rest this reminds me of. character you describe here needs no parlor tricks or overly draped velevet curtains to climb out from behind be interesting. blase language several almost had leaving before good part. i only stayed because it was sure would find something worth staying for. glad did. please darlin have more faith your rich imagery do it's job well--you not need odd tricks. used by ecclesiastical writers 16th 17th centuries a person as being component part church don once said. wrote reverse order. supposed reading plato's noumenal world his lap. rust spangled shopping cart scraped pavement on richmond dundas street near second cup. they called him pocket man these seamless pockets filled mediterranean sand chap books sack italian wind that drew traffic off course sailed adriatic sea hunted possums jackknife pelje ac peninsula we imagined an octopus other life. writer hydra armed beded ha d pop up where least expect hole bar doing zennist exercises crumpled copy howl beside laquer finished sink dispensed soap for hands offered large array cologne probably concocted same washroom. what remember were animated conversations plato botticelli maharishi. twinkle nickel air. flipped humble chapeau learned poetry gig merlin kindergarten class. know never grow old just on. don't how did like flicking switch. days keep seeing around campus tim hortons he's always looking at lap you'd hope dog. carries grocery bags god knows. are full hands. so been reels back s standing. microphones working set lights off. slam is finished. someone won hundred bucks romba poem. love ending pockets. could bum quarter when limb. 85257 re do poets like butter ryan i liked the orig break btwn s1 s2 that doesnt exist anymore 85259 re poki ryan i disagree sorta thought the first sentance sounded stilted and untouched - as if it was removed history described which also made sense with ref. to something innocent unbaptized am still working that into my read but didnt want be so quick dismiss yet 85260 do poets like butter amy if the thumb turns yellow forefinger bitter middle rank ring hushed pinky soft hand unwinds rub picks dandelion again and again. poem is good we never know. 85261 re poki asher hi jessica-- yup you're right. my problem now with this is the introduction of poetry reading at end poem. instead starting it off dictionary sounding first lines i'll give a description reading...that would follow in vain fr scott. sort a. ha. i wasn't sure what poem was until started to become clear that more organic piece. and demands treatment as you rightly note. thank you. initial crit drop about limbo gaudy insertion poet stating he has already ruined start right meat--because i'm quite loving carnivorous urges rest reminds me of. character describe here needs no parlor tricks or overly draped velevet curtains climb out from behind be interesting. blase language several almost had leaving before good part. only stayed because find something worth staying for. glad did. please darlin have faith your rich imagery do it's job well--you not need odd tricks. 85262 re evidence of change g.c. hi jack and a pleasure to meet you. i've appreciated your thoughtful critiques on the block. always good have more deep thinkers around. i agree essentially with most what has already been said i.e. asher that rhetorical scaffolding poem is too pronounced intrusive sherry jazzes somehow just wrong tonally in last line ann marie think her eldonesque breaks completely alter energy for better certainly they break up some clotted structures which slow down even stall me this version . other thoughts like opening immensely--somehow dali's foursquare crucifixion. also shift pendulum though gesture here isn't quite right yet. although you'd lose something probably re-insert later if it were i'd move directly from observe mary observing god or consider pendulum. then structure follows problem less so marie's redaction it's not much anaphora troubles--as per asher--but fact you open two relatively short sentences launch into rube goldberg cause effect. jars unbalances terms tone esp. pacing. would do entitled opened illustrate another type about option it....in words rather find way maximize impact earliest gestures works than sacrifice interest doubtful poem. say no matter who kissed after class class. throughout long construction makes work an alternating current between abstract language appropriate scientific discussion lush colloquial use both projects human desire need. all pretty convincing until closing lines evidently by virtue being motion she able climb again repeatedly machinery returns any moment where dissolving past between. these six abstraction wins out as regards laws practical physics. goes flat hazy. i'm guessing really teh want but can't vivify bit translation can. sum rocky easily fixed freewheeling largely convicing central section falls apart its due combination at worst possible e.g. when mary's finally going get somewhere promise sort physical emotional climax release through those options choose one adjust accordingly necessary pare away start middle scratch. conceit waste anything excellence. best gc 85263 re poki asher interesting ryan...ha. tell me what your concluding impressions are. i'm not quite sure either. thanks for read s . ag i disagree sorta thought the first sentance sounded stilted and untouched - as if it was removed history described which also made sense with ref. to something innocent unbaptized am still working that into my but didnt want be so quick dismiss yet 85264 re poki ryan i will - have had about 30 conflicting impressions im still screwing with it is heavy points to form symbolic around 85265 re after our conversation asher i hope to get an edit done soon. -me too - 85266 re writer's block mach iii g.c. hi jessica and what a thoughtful detailed reading glad to make your acquaintance i look forward work. do however--in the moment--want disagree ever so slightly with one of observations wit first title seems obscure think this has enough sense distance that specific possibly even pseudo-referential would serve. course it may be reference forum just haven't been around for long missed something. if poem can much wider audience as such could survive makes sense. took indicate poem's true subject. in other words itself is an illustration block--or somehow essential mechanics or nature mysterious mind-numbing void. there's critical space between which metaphorical work actually happens. reader supposed move back forth literal content continually sizing up particular definition manages involve both catastrophe anomie within its brief narrative. me then changing real harm reducing all descriptive felicities slight less resonant set piece. my thoughts. others not have come they did found ash's strategy compelling. did. best gc 85267 re roll call asher hi geoff-- this is different than your usual poems...i see that you're moving back into more layered language and sensual images which cool. i like a lot...i'm not quite sure the first strophe needed here as it doesn't add anything far can see. great deal i'm one to flatter - those last two lines offer open up some interesting thoughts... scarlet from scalp wing-tip full cardinal poses upon treetop branch rather ruled young elm an earlier year -- but it's another stranger other observer 85268 re go outside and play... edit g.c. ryan don't worry about irritating mr. leone. there are entire nonprofit organizations in countries like bulgaria dedicated to precisely this task. also he's a big boy can take it. that said.... i dunno but think unlike asher i'm the less is more camp with one. additional enjambments version strike me as affected i.e. unnecessary too obvious while biographical details of poem reduce it basquiat. earlier shorter may have provided material from basquiat's life was essence not basquiat nature art cruelty artistic endeavor. you skew toward resonance larger persuasion has. still fan somewhere somehow. most additions here. really guernica reprise which seems forced an attempt move back model redacted painting original moved quickly past. it's nostalgia after ryan. last line letdown me--perhaps because keep repreating something etc. suggesting know where now going. focused . if must end new way stick needle wire. wish could be enthusiastic were i'd print out both versions--short long--and poster-gum them up side by on your wall at eye level live for several weeks. what each doing or accomplishes does accomplish. anyone who cares that's how revise esp. when reconciling troublesome disparate drafts--i am disciple poster gum my walls covered poems. try then decide direction want go. best gc p.s. assume you've read repel ghosts kevin young's incredible book-length recommended though everyone's taste. 85269 re you only live once waiting for sylvia sydney amy alex some notes within your fingers trail a comet through the sky this seems place where semicolon is not used to provide transition comma here doesn't jibe well me accuse of break might be nice read on that first line certain lies but never i started notice s at second one in bit too much they sort like very thrown into book report stretch it 100 words ones ve committed. mother makes manhattan forgets cherries she always would prefer double-read does instead . way points out manhattans and father reads editorial page ny times stop midair tail lights messed up loved it. flickers moon. love smell spring damp soil against knee leaves an old maple wave semaphore please cut we could decipher ... beautiful image here. mystery nature do or outside given let reader decide if understand signals another problem with beginning my problems tense untruths were whispered change awkward also have resolving auditory purely visual component flags before... maybe word paints so vivid picture sound supplied by dunno fluttered waved are now part our folklore winter buried under coat varnish hardwood. idea how take over layering wood year after ties nicely question hanging sure what think both changing did get married really simple present continuous hangs know want switch as evidenced wash speaker differentiating their life from s1 s2 pulls actually quite bit. i'll come back when something more interesting say about thanks reading feigning interest neighbor says garage fixing lawnmower fourth fifth time summer. remind permanent borrowed same seeds planted garden. m unsure constellation stains southern hemisphere uncertain dismantle framework past. wipes tears eyes lays quietly his sunday best family portrait. pinch cloud between last cigarette light long drag snuff dirt. 85270 re m.i.a. asher hey bowan-- this does have a fictional feel after arguing all writing is autobiographical - i thought that you may consider starting on s2 everywhere was the scent of holidays coming to an end half-eaten burgers hard under legs fly limp smoke from barbecue grills. --i would introduce brakets in next lines or indent it as offers whole other texture poem. like sense intrigue and mystery sets up myself. argue there are 2 voices poem here makes engaging layered etc. but help your readers along distinguishing those page. clearly narrator present past . sort thing utterly me 9 create space help. personally dislike italics... letter sat outside two days gathering smell america until fourth july inside mother licked last minutes day wet cube ice. jack lemon s face made joke station odd couple late show. ten still missing act one our brother him over fence ball glove yearbook photo --some line breaks seem off here. first. i'm bit confused now whether we narratorial if sense. beside pool summer he showed his rubbers got boner touching their raised circles. --this seems be narrative voice...and so well placed wanted more...i child-voice indeed more nuaced evident loose page because notion the...um...doesn't rich enough deserve attention. not simply circles words. some lushness images kitchen letters county whose shape learned cronkite. my reads them rehearse sound voice. very much how weaves out with opened up. hope tense now. what at night sleep top bunk think m high know world. --again could distinguish between these clarify work disembodied imaginative whatever...then aquire definition currently lacking. kindest regards 85271 re go outside and play... edit ryan thanks so much for returning i had my little fantasy you'd return love it but this has been a learning exp. am glad made attempt see what you are saying at one point in revision process thought seemed too deliberate forced. sharing your reaction - was most helpful 85272 re after our conversation bowen right now i don't know. really trust your own instincts on this. my work has gone from bad to worse in a span of about three weeks so feel competent enough suggest period or comma. but what think you're suggesting would seem fix the problem saw earlier though isn't exactly correct term either . best a. that disturbs me wanted there be sense surprise fellow participant this at times lush memory might not remember it all. maybe need change couplet which i've been considering changing anyway drive home loss felt realizing sister shared same moments with remembers completely different childhood. found lot ponder critique and much will quite useful when revise. do have one possible instant revision want opinion you said if changed lines lead gang wandering cousins still ripe memory... more clear is blackberry picking leapfrogging etc described above 85273 re m.i.a. bowen asher thanks for the heavy-duty crit. i appreciate it. i've printed it out further doodling. a. p.s. think it's endearing how you alway misspell my name. lol hey bowan-- this does have a fictional feel after arguing all writing is autobiographical - thought that may consider starting on s2 everywhere was scent of holidays coming to an end half-eaten burgers hard under legs fly limp smoke from barbecue grills. --i would introduce brakets in next lines or indent as offers whole other texture poem. like sense intrigue and mystery sets up myself. argue there are 2 voices poem here makes engaging layered etc. but help your readers along distinguishing those page. clearly narrator present past . sort thing utterly me 9 create space help. personally dislike italics... letter sat outside two days gathering smell america until fourth july inside mother licked last minutes day wet cube ice. jack lemon s face made joke station odd couple late show. ten still missing act one our brother him over fence ball glove yearbook photo --some line breaks seem off here. first. i'm bit confused now whether we narratorial if sense. --this seems be narrative voice...and so boner well placed wanted more...i child-voice indeed more nuaced evident loose page because notion the...um...doesn't rich enough deserve attention. not simply their raised circles words. some lushness images very much weaves with letters opened up. hope tense now. what --again could distinguish between these clarify them work disembodied imaginative whatever...then aquire definition currently lacking. kindest regards 85274 re do poets like butter g.c. if the thumb turns yellow forefinger bitter middle rank ring hushed pinky soft hand unwinds rub picks dandelion again and again. poem is good we never know. mmmmmm. don't gesture in forepart of intriguing to say least but i keep getting sympathy pains my fingers when think about it. or maybe that's just carpal tunnel. i'm at a loss as how first two stanzas relate final couplet. since someone who loves writing whose job it on some level other evaluate exactly buy into that couplet independently thrown even further from possibilities understanding empathy. seems me going make an argument against our ability recognize quality literature will need better than adduce dandelions. myself more interested dandelions finger. course lovely ring. --gc 85275 re do poets like butter amy g.c. i was really answering the title question with that final couplet. enjoyed accidental double-read on it after written but wasn't intended. thanks for comments. mmmmmm. don't we gesture in forepart of poem is intriguing to say least keep getting sympathy pains my fingers when think about it. or maybe that's just carpal tunnel. i'm at a loss as how first two stanzas relate since someone who loves writing and whose job some level other evaluate exactly buy into couplet independently thrown even further from possibilities understanding empathy. seems me if going make an argument against our ability recognize quality literature will need better than adduce dandelions. myself more interested dandelions finger. course lovely hushed ring. --gc 85276 re china town draft infinity asher gc- thank you very kindly for your careful consideration of this. i apologize sending drafts...i hope it is not disrespectful to answer comments... as much regret geoff's curtness he's really right. i've followed all these drafts and now it's clear mud me. which a pity because there's good poem lurking deep down inside. i'm convinced that. going run with the last sent me directly may or coincide posted this board. best can do. no offense but generally post single let comments accumulate consider them whether you've been tinkering in meantime --no taken. my usual method has different seem lose lot revisions appreciate concerns. lines first. laurel's right consolidation an indigestible lump word esp. such lush line 1. seems that idea --of moving from fragmentary experience toward narrative self maybe located even created--is crucial poem's overall purpose aim. after some indecision say leave in. working up point via association past tense. think lushness language keeps forward without resistance. what unifies catalogue impressions both setting implication they're being drawn through eyes perception child doubly then needle memory . can't gable unless you're stable odd phrase--is colloquialism missed love sound parse it. --gc be phrase pivotal refracts themes home. are explored therein. simply means says. replacing noun verb obviously. build house cosmolology have stability. narrator posits. we into trouble here tenses. governing tense should hadn't rather than hasn't terms snow plow's delayed arrival similary why change third run-on sentence ssems contrary syntactic strategies insofar we've come know them. --the switching was intentional. works by delineating two states consciousness. --well rude suggest doesn't one syntactical strategy. movement longer shorter obvious evidence think. on intentional specific purpose. her nose something else cherry so predictable--a real loss vivid descriptive energy doing well front. dream correct seeing he dreaming only construct his mind world around him like ethnicity....but won't go there. perhaps trope needs made more clear. necessary. would contract lines. could almost snowman were living yard fenced wrought iron. aba plays veena anymore-- liked way wanted one-stringed instrument refract off other words 1 relationship between father. description less interesting be. basic figure wandering paper-snow you'll need render vividly. further don't if child. --yes you...perhaps...but needed clarified. that's helpful though. mine expedriment ways get brainstorming she plies crisp white crust. skates etch palmer town's college rule. something....and ultimately decided none worked resort skippig likeness rum breath mixed eggnog. rain sops spiny umbrella. glad entirely before. about landscape makes absentminded resonant adjective sure established rubric interpreting hmmm. interesting...i narrator's meditation potential dialogue establishes absent minded space. perhaps. tug wind speaker's liking sensual null--we feels feel take pleasure. again how visually bench father --why obviously distanced happening insubstantial. where sorry spar. learn. respond didn't recite first meeting recitation speaker hear accents --it's clearly myself there neither car part argue against sure...that understood section fault understand questions. completely read. rotting darning sock do mean damn --lol. blunt specificity four sentences section--i wouldn't word. yes bitter irony chinaman's cafe. scotched. effeminate does rock loose mausoleums heaped dead buried overwritten striving metaphorical resonance earned --this great make process reconsider mausoleum image market mantra want back royal jelly wood ears. well. emily carr painting. got out way. --that's slightly rude. pretentious. ha. funny gc. alright poem. at begin derail any sort essential gesture making--i.e. basis journey. trapped grainy canadian remake blade runner harrison ford sensitive young poet hurtling exoticized landscape. --ha. substantiate pov care to. teeny bed bug beg reconsider. work doing. journey stall eddy move--by poet's fiat--back opening simultaneously identity crisis. ending basically muddle. meaning elements they arrive rush mangle. ok. clarify quite feeling remains considerably sum its parts. body forth using yes. order every must least following things inhere within universe created engendering reader access 2 cue motion --in space time memory--which central flow. roll over wave leaving winded drenched. material already present isn't held vocabulary--it's rhetorical decisions keep diction clearest advantage. view. i'd quietly slip desk drawer month meantime. fever cause one. --good point... gc --it helpful. thanks. ag 85277 re this is not your life g.c. ...and apologies for the poltergeist crack. it's late and i really did want to get poem evening. was only trying add a bit of humor lengthy critique. realized afterwards that it might have come out wrong. feel free vent if you like. on some karmic level i'm sure deserve it. hope do realize spend lot time work when critique because many gifts so manifestly have. those maximized in artefacts they leave behind--i mean poems. sometimes think hardest part about art try keep everything up highest mark quality offers or we as poets achieved elsewhere. often simply impossible. but must poem's sake. general rule little voice inside head asks can can't away with then no strictest sense can't. i've been resisting myself years....you persuade friends even an editor end be very best know how at given place life. hear all sign deep down word line stanza won't do. odds are other close reader will catch too. worry subject editing iowa review past year most common problem we're faced poems 80-90 what competently expertly fall flat major way like shuffling egregious cliche into mix ending less-than-resonant abstraction. two mistakes . poems--and hundreds each month--are decent ultimately publishing business choice choosing one these almost perfect vs. handful are. fully-realized. brigit kelly says boys who chopped off girl's pet goat's harder than imagined silly sacrifice. singing course song. --gc 85279 re china town draft infinity g.c. good evening again of course it's not disrespectful what these forums are supposed to provide at their best conversations about poems poetry. and in terms critiques there always multiple options viz. a the critiquer is right b has identified problem patch but misidentified could should be done it c misread poem d manufactured his own entirely fanciful interpretation e just plain wrong. my goal do all five things--possibly more--in any lengthy critique. seriousness i think hardest part journey toward through sharing work with others involved learning how differentiate between different sorts responses from mostly well-intentioned people. few specifics 1. you can't gable unless you're stable loved as verb here. guess rhyming off might sound little jazzy even hokey. said so unusual that i'm for keeping is. was only asking. 2. tenses states consciousness see saying later when mention we're dreaming. read this least starters straight up. did catch shift consciousness. maybe poor reading or perhaps they're sufficiently cued. still struggling thinking failure forgive me lies on poem. 3. does have one primary strategy--though rhetorical syntactical--namely accretion detail. either way particular run-on sentence seemed odds syntax elsewhere. then purpose very specific since don't perform similar indicate choice an error elsewhere 4. trust say cherry necessary asher. alas meaning while may your conception generating universe gave rise within creates here page. blindness course. 5. aba veena father point though switching lines preserves effect wanting. 6. clear some level absentminded landscape absent bench refer distance speaker father. really hard feel absence. can make presence into absence hand clapping major poetry dealing loss. can. 7. out get initial dead encounter shade province memory. thought decided not. bad sure....i suppose mausoleums snow tipped direction intended . time too preoccupied saw overwritten quality rethinking now proper connection. 8. emily carr no trying rude implying were pretentious funny delighted moment aesthetic humor otherwise somber landscape. if anyone else wants chime by means so. democracy--no art is--but sometimes helpful simply show hands one's colleagues isn't working. tonight gc 85280 re basquiat g.c. hi again ryan i want to make it clear that with the possible exception of guernica reprise wasn't language new material bothers me here. writing is just dandy. it's nature content and how changes my reading poem. have a deep long-term interest in basquiat's art but also suspicion those who would conflate his lifestyle art. feel this way general especially when comes basquiat. like every single thing plath ever wrote terms her suicide....of course himself made line between life people's both financial personal either difficult chalk. what i'm saying shy away from version because see biographical facts threatening overwhelm larger fact--larger for me--of saying. viewpoint unfortunate not mention limiting your poem can accomplish. wonder other folks familiar or about greater amount version. does alter poem's focus substantially. did people added needful context humanized understand though don't agree it. seem more same --gc 85281 re poki jessica a.c. snyder i see that you really want framing device of the poetry reading here and my question is why note i'm not saying it's a bad idea just curious what you're trying to convey with frame portrait bettered by. get sense it supposed bring this man being inspiration for poem poetry-lovin' critter but actually himself. his too late has someone else won exactly romba do mean rumba as in latin dance rhythm two other initial reactions 1 love pace has--it makes me think something between tireless tiring pacing howl even before reference adamant rhythms alot better slam poetry. 2 there seems be perhaps many modifiers here. am pink-cheeked adorer myself thinking show-don't-tell crowd might chanting mantra pretty soon please don't lose if decide trim them bit are quite lovely showy consider maybe trimming tad. some slightly more elegantly simple phrases original lush noun modifier pairs would have chance getting noticed. densely populated yummy stuff so you'll pardon ryan must come at sort bit-by-bit specifics. yup right. problem now introduction end poem. instead starting off dictionary sounding first lines i'll give description reading...that follow vain fr scott. a. ha. wasn't sure was until started become clear organic piece. demands treatment rightly note. thank you. 85282 re mapping the furnace room asher yes this is really helpful. can i send you money ha. if stick around for a while would learn lot. made some strong points...i thought that poem was overemphasizing history bit and very much like your critique about exoticism....thank kindly careful read. i'll have to print out...of course. good night. ag hi i'm surprised no one commented on so think give it brief title fantastic organizing conceit of also. in fact only real suggestions are edits. there moments when trying too hard make its points ethnicity history. tend toward view heavier subject lighter more effective touch. realize other ways look at this. but me part point entering work out certain big issues myself--with poem's help--rather than being told from within by poet what should be thinking or feeling. i've experimented with cuts below--you might compare my version yours. also few closing remarks. simply lovely. again cut paragraph. obvious-- case family's humanity father typical pakistani-canadian sexist pig which extrapolated translates as we couldn't escape our identities. complex that--what says both identity mere denial. must keep start new section it-- heat could kill such ending first keeps focus eponymous room. end after several readings paragraph moving directly secret hate past. better verb figure. otherwise strikes simplistic given immense wrenching complexity saying here. why not never taught them mater tongue. tongued them. weaned white. seems blunter cleaner deadlier heart stanza saying. now problem me. thing caters western images india--in way unhelpful argue. don't need exoticism here has already established unique ethnocultural ground. were shorten revising obvious markers working those levels . here's possibility space auditory clacking hinges humming morning bamboo frames somewhere else mackerel slipping fingers back into sugar cane clattering hexing sentence move remembered. word dismembered member family. plates underneath earth quake cleave forge another signature over again. shift india pakistan canada. scattered clothes dead brother whose name archive point. twisting winding. add something winding --i needs short sentnece pacing's sake. carefully. happened iii. these two stanzas lesson overpowers poem. try circle titular unbalanced find ultimate gesture litle late. --that said impulses sound cutting all wants. wrinkle desired immortality before had noble intensions home. son he useless. let stand bluntly irreducibly. 1947 child. gave speech formation country. will grow old. killed hindu. may thrown knife indus. indus eats away shore an autoimmune disease. release bodies mouth who train jalandhar amritsar. confusion am someone tried get shot his leg left dangling platform. por traits draped white linen snow covers tracks. detour unwalk unwalking mean backwards. melt ll feet. winged perhaps. dividing up sake time unfold. final analysis do idea backwards--i.e. cannot unmap remap different perspective. indissolubility penultimate reference canada feet hesitant hopeful. however last little quickly wish even perhaps three sentences imparting sensual vivid information help link reader speaker's canadian childhood adulthood house between backwards it's question pacing balance achieve--in terms narrative knowing does along achieving personal historical sense impossible. hope close feeling finished polished resonant largely because language specific b fresh itself. quick select additions you're there. --gc 85284 re details 42b sore juana de la cruzing surely you must know dont come on. get real. yours 85285 re tamara tomorrow sore juana de la cruzing this is bombastic crap thanks 85286 yeah... jessica a.c. snyder the more i read poem like title actually but for slightly different and yet exactly same reasons. must admit had not slept enough when this first time so initially thought was meant as a pun which it is even if unintentionally on condition of writer's block actual city or mental inspired poem. considering 9-11 imagery than an extended metaphor that frustrating condition. deserved wasn't vague descriptor personal still common now come back to with just hint sleep deprivation help murk up my mind almost point accidental clarity i'm thinkin' really essential in some ways deeper understanding gc suggests. think right nifty describing state stasis all writers at one another face. whether intended does speak symbiotic relationship between trauma watching catastrophe occur one's environment effects these environmental happenings have upon creative drive. thus other geographical reference can also be necesarry least extremely appropriate poem's meaning. guess that's long explanation what could quickly stated absolutely right. ignore comment made before resonated into level. 85287 just so's ya cain't misread... jessica a.c. snyder when i said alot of better slam poetry meant as in the more choice examples from that genre not than this poem k's i've gotta sleep before type other intended compliments almost sound like insults on second reading. 85288 re after our conversation jessica a.c. snyder what do you mean by repetitions for the sake of meter could be more specific please or is that outside scope your mo best jess 85289 re china town draft infinity asher gc--maybe the best thing for me to do is spell out my intentions each line. that way you can tell where thinking off if feel so inclined. otherwise this go on too long. i started a response which began well since i'm wired coffee i'll try explain and would kindly reconsider how make clearer...i'm grateful your generosity sharing expertise please don't mind me. problem with piece etherial quality in it makes hard distinguish shifts think... good evening again of course it's not disrespectful what these forums are supposed provide at their conversations about poems poetry. terms critiques there always multiple options viz. critiquer right b has identified patch but misidentified could should be done c misread poem d manufactured his own entirely fanciful interpretation e just plain wrong. goal all five things--possibly more--in any lengthy critique. --thank you. seriousness think hardest part journey toward through work others involved learning differentiate between different sorts responses from mostly well-intentioned people. --yes why value....etc. like won't on. ok. ha. few specifics 1. can't gable unless you're stable loved as verb here. guess rhyming might sound little jazzy even hokey. said unusual keeping is. was only asking. bit hokey sounding because rhyme. reason personally trite yet line quite serious. also syntactical rhythmical contrast those lines added rhythmic texture longer thought. intention thought irony rhyme actually being stated...well maybe build up before considered--for instance. month ha consoladation somehow home overarching theme poem...but spelling themes out. may lose people...again maps touched briefly this. but. have rethink want do. explicit or some wander syntactically resemble wandering state dream wakefulness chinatown child--all enmeshed dream. ethnicity self. either particular run-on sentence seemed odds syntax elsewhere. then purpose very specific perform similar one indicate choice an error elsewhere shrunken pashmina scarf edge driveway blown by child's breath already her iguana red cheeks cherry nose--the child mean daughter. one. yes consolidation winter--canadian winter perhaps. --why consolidation...and emdashe. etc. intension really consider wrong things learn quicker... two yess read ironic depending poem. perhaps becomes destabilzed. bat trying signal reader will ambivalance. wanted slightly refract jangling cash register canadian via becoming absorbed version no consoladation. simply put seeing immigrant refracted extend beginning lines. punctuation. emdashe correct. period pause after help bring ambivalance reader. we place arctic white snow mobiling --the onto paper image used wonderful dreamy poet pk page dialoguing attempting to. case barren reflecting estrangement absent mindedness landscape...clearly does suggest mystical mythical world reexploring childhood father refracting desire map place. apples ear brings pertinent hearing language suble probably subtle idea he hear dialects possibly they belong memory cannot access...again made clear insersion words along side driveways roiling cloud exhaust dundas street. --i liked word suggests departure clarity dreaming evoked group seven. rather providing space stability though narrator's more suggestive landscape think. colon insertion street name attempt puctuation apt. root ground imagery into locale finally ethnic happens boy-mind drawing maps. green unboiled apple skin. treasure cochlea. brother followed recorded every said. need someone record peritent. narrator him. pretence...which wasn't aim. lonely needs scribe sort thing. retrospect plough hasn't come alongside man cleaver. shift jarring units together force...contrived other introduction temporal linking retrospect. enjambment peritinent moving move present...trying moor images bind incongrous units. run key figure imagination. is...the exploring possibility having clear...yes. iguana...an exotic back man. obviously become construct she whitened constructed nose...the support reading. fluid must retained confusing reading getting all. strengthened. easy adding above. mapping early candian explorers who appropiated native lands were obsessed naming.... played veena stringed disappeared fingers. aba below sappy child...just frightened cultural artifacts...whatever left culture disappear figment plays anymore listens. almost say snowman living yard fenced wrought iron. obvious--the above reading...she creating her...etc. much obvious. fact wroght iron whitened. wanders ploughs paragraph unthinking come. clearing clear. along...but here paragraph. agreeing linked forcibly... cherries cheeks. likeness rum mixed egg nog. rain sops spiny umbrella. walk loose wind lake ontario absentminded waves clambering granite. tug liking... --perhaps lack vicerality necessary feeling tugs him sense bench met father. tea sponge cake dipped seaming cane sugar water. meet recites iqbal accents hear. wrote patriotic pakistan. went cambridge. died unhappy. armoire kensington market ragweed pollen sniffle. grown black cardinal crooked juniper branch. backwards darned rotting. chinaman's cafe packed. registers jangling. bought royal jelly. jelly didn't work. wood mushroom. effeminate rocks mausoleums wipers frozen gasoline moody car stops--jolts forward buckle down son emily carr painting. bowing teeny bed bug eats corpuscle poor. poverty romantic... twin town. namgyal cleaned cut lavender changed holly. --again changing names important understanding buffeting avalanche around younge hang old god birch restless cracked skull body departed man's doesn't see construct. god. figured bark get aspects isn't white... anyway that's explanation piece. 2. tenses states consciousness saying later when mention we're dreaming. least starters straight up. did catch consciousness. poor they're sufficiently cued. still struggling failure forgive lies 3. primary strategy--though rhetorical syntactical--namely accretion detail. 4. trust asher. alas meaning while conception generating universe gave rise within creates page. blindness course. --it's point clearer. thank 5. switching preserves effect wanting. --cool. 6. level refer distance speaker absence. presence absence hand clapping major poetry dealing loss. can. 7. initial dead encounter memory...or alive line...suggests paradox pun bench......in blended hear...obviously clarify points... shade province memory. decided not. bad sure....i suppose tipped direction intended . time preoccupied saw overwritten rethinking now proper connection. 8. rude implying pretentious funny delighted moment aesthetic humor somber landscape. --well love seven represent experience anyone else wants chime means so. democracy--no art is--but sometimes helpful show hands one's colleagues working. tonight gc thanks help. 85290 do you like butter revision amy if the thumb turns yellow forefinger bitter middle rank ring hushed pinky soft hand unwinds rub picks dandelion again and again. poem is good i'll never know. 85291 re just so's ya cain't misread... asher jessica-- i can't tell you yet why slipped those first few lines in. give me some time and i'll post a revision at point think it needs to sit. us another poem will something with chemical reactions moles cis trance sensual stuffs etc. k kind regards 85292 re china town draft infinity asher gc-- actually forget my last comments. i need to clarify the questions you raise. poem speaks me but obviously have some structual problems that i'll work through. i'm sorry was rude. ps. guess we don't get see any of your work...he. 85293 re you only live once waiting for sylvia sydney alex stolis chris thanks stopping by appreciate the comments and will take them into consideration peace hi this is a well captured scene. i may have missed something but can't make full sense of your fingers stop in midair where tail lights flickers moon. possibly refers back to comet analogy wording makes it seem as if are referring without attendant metaphor. at any rate think need fix word order somehow. metaphor bit extenuated leads strange wording. just thought. father garage fixing lawnmower fourth or fifth time that summer. piece starts get prosey am not sure we know either dad has tried mower. following all good stuff remind me permanent borrowed from same seeds planted garden. m unsure constellation stains southern hemisphere uncertain how dismantle framework past. there's classical feel passage some rest poem seems lack. ending nicely done although clear why mother wipes tears eyes say she paints family portrait do mean prose pretty solid needs few things attending finalize it. luck. my best 85294 re you only live once waiting for sylvia sydney alex stolis yoly thanks stopping by appreciate it peace hi alex- this starts out promising but the steam slowly leaves after mother hangs wash.. i go feeling girl was very young because her wipes tears then she steals speaker's cig.. overall not a bad just lacking little yo no se que. 85295 re you only live once waiting for sylvia sydney alex stolis amy thanks taking the time to comment in detail greatly appreciated peace some notes within wash now feigning interest 85296 re corrected revised si mon thanks gc i'm glad you responded in some fashion. i've enjoyed your crits. i was hoping this post could be critted by itself but completely understand reluctance. perhaps should have posted the poem unnder a different title and without intro note. of course being poet assumed reluctance folks to respond any fashion due dislike or inability comprehend. truth is if totally sucked it probably would received many more responses. such nature from what can gather poetry boards. work progress. parts are finished than others -- really don't feel confident enough at point entire thing. my model linnets expect accomplish anything like that poem. anyway for stopping bringing life back into board. hi simon nice meet you. wanted comment on one reluctant because first posting said 2 3 out how same gave very part 1 several days ago. always critique excerpted larger structure--because it's impossible me evaluate full architecture therefore excerpt functions within it. you've explained you're up here earlier either way fill now lovely though has do with follows am not sure. best 85297 re yeah... bowen don't sweat it. this is far from finished. apparently piece sentimental and the writing imprecise according to others . one ain't a.b. more i read poem like title actually but for slightly different yet exactly same reasons. must admit had not slept enough when first time so initially thought was meant as a pun which it even if unintentionally on condition of writer's block actual city or mental inspired poem. considering 9-11 imagery than an extended metaphor that frustrating condition. deserved wasn't vague descriptor personal still common now come back with just hint sleep deprivation help murk up my mind almost point accidental clarity i'm thinkin' really essential in some ways deeper understanding gc suggests. think right nifty describing state stasis all writers at another face. whether intended does speak symbiotic relationship between trauma watching catastrophe occur one's environment effects these environmental happenings have upon creative drive. thus other geographical reference can also be necesarry least extremely appropriate poem's meaning. guess that's long explanation what could quickly stated absolutely right. ignore comment made before resonated into level. 85298 re basquiat ryan thanks for returning again again. the original was created very much like a piece of basquiat's art. assume words i picked up images had in my head feeling ... and first orig. draft pre-wds came out as misunderstood art it did not attempt to arrange thoughts into any logical order didnt bend anyone else's thinking. tinkered with while posted it. mind wanted blur line between his death life personally believe all three be strangely related. non-fiction autobiographical manner which discussed p n. feel is more organic story that he paints. something him yet also distant from source. paints things you can't put because they seem map brain actual output. end digress anyway think have an amazing eye reading poetry - hit on critique pass vaguely thought about didn't realize myself. edit needed context your read poem rare else cannot come interesting or same but am pretty sure 99 readers mostly elsewhere would never those conclusions let alone consider opening self-aware fully realized. well guess destroyed some by focusing making understandable instead just thinking best this yes two are quite different . improve obvious connections subject compromised whole point o given me lot hope still guest editor here when get around posting another at this. appreciative. 85299 anniversaries si mon a boy at the bus stop cups his hands to light cigarette in slight rain. you want fancy dancing and flugelhorns girl that smells like fire burnt wood. hang your coat spent plum never again wear shoes. i am shoe all tongue. live sell shoes harvest field of italian leather plow under over-ripe pumps. fashion for grackles outside my window. black tie-ups. open-toed one with crooked eyes. said return as bird. be more specific. brown-headed cowbird junco chickadee spazzing driveway dust. maybe re hummingbird see trumpet vine. this should past tense sadness. but it s not about or absence birds come back drop wets rising puff. 85300 re basquiat ryan i assume you've read to repel ghosts kevin young's incredible book-length poem about oh you incorrectly - but will most def hunt it out am very much interested 85301 re hannah m thanks asher. seen m-- this is pretty good piece of writing. ha. the narrative aspects it are working hard and not really sacrificing poetic elements. speech woven in out an unifying fashion. i'm slightly jealous please be kind enough to show us next part s if you feel so inclined. structure something what i want learn...my current problem with annie did that sort generic aspects. but then could put construction under question vis parody irony deliberate self-consciousness see better. does read like a poem however which accomplishment. again stratify here there break voice offer another take layer--if were after that. sometimes introduce element nothing becomes poetry. krotesch how elements can weave rather than being introduced abandoned. yes agree view understand correctly. scattering seeds as have been told often perhaps should return those later. lord do would real accomplishment imho. regards asher oh imeant leave finished my 85303 re anniversaries ryan i didnt like the jumps between you this should be in past tense all sadness cringe spell out too much here so let me do what best - screw ppl's poems up.... smile ------ how read shoe represented life voice and soul one who doesnt wear is empty carefree innocent it's a trade-off but diff. btwn these two types tear apart everything from inside out. am worn tongue sole. live shoes harvest fields of italian leather fashion black tie-ups for sole-less grackles outside my window want fancy dancing flugelhorns without -- your girl that smells fire or burnt wood return to boyhood 85304 re anniversaries si mon thanks ryan -- i often write cringe-worthy lines esp. when the draft is as rough this. just imagine cringes took out before it got to posting stage. i'll look at your poem of my and consider what works doesn't. in truth sole-less rewrite made me cringe think play on that has been played would prefer shoeless sole-less. anyway find grackles be very soulful. again for help didnt like jumps between you this should past tense all sadness spell too much here so let do best - screw ppl's poems up.... smile ------ how read shoe represented life voice soul one who doesnt wear empty carefree innocent it's a trade-off but diff. btwn these two types tear apart everything from inside out. am worn tongue sole. live shoes harvest fields italian leather fashion black tie-ups outside window want fancy dancing flugelhorns without girl smells fire or burnt wood return boyhood 85305 re do you like butter revision si mon well i butter. and think this poem might have legs enough to stand without the last two lines. myabe with a little tweaking. enjoyed. if thumb turns yellow forefinger bitter middle rank ring hushed pinky soft hand unwinds rub picks dandelion again again. is good i'll never know. 85306 re my brother's keeper william laurel i think the only problematic tension here is whether or not you can get away with re-enacting a scene s from 'ray'- perhaps unfortunately i've recently seen film which was terrific and feel someone unattracted to poem simply because don't got any more greater transcendence than did watching scene. if concentrated lot less on describing for this work it must admit what has already accomplished move beyond hasn't been given us in film. best of luck cheers bill brother like smoke chimney soul body visualize steam as rises tea kettle. but hear crackle flames last breath rattle flinch at shriek piercing whistle. his limbs flailed wail swallowed by suds. feet banged against tub felt thump chest parade band marches past pulse second larger heart . bottle tree clinks wind impact glass silent. mother root that clings weed will be pulled easily garden. she beats rugs bad dogs chokes dust hangs sheets ghosts yard stirs pot stove. once boiled over when ran out door wring clothes blow into lungs. an onyx broach glittering sun cricket crawls across floor trying seen. heard. resists urge sing rub its legs together. clicks tiny footfalls. see path chosen. hands knees stalk cat then give her bug don t tell knows old wives tale. cups insect shaped prayer never utters thank amen. 85307 re my brother's keeper si mon well i feel dumb again for not recognizing the scene. knew bottles were familiar -- but they in movie because of winn dixie too. yes ray vw. you are a better reader than william. think only problematic tension here is whether or can get away with re-enacting scene s from 'ray'- perhaps unfortunately i've recently seen film which was terrific and someone unattracted to poem simply don't got any more greater transcendence did watching if concentrated lot less on describing this work it must admit what has already accomplished move beyond hasn't been given us film. best luck cheers bill brother 85308 re hannah you bellowed pls to check your email. danke. 85309 re mrs. merryvale's reprise beau blue hi noi thanks for your comments. they are appreciated. i wonder why assumed the reader would think narrator was merryvale toyed with idea of titling thing 'ma'achee' or 'bird food' but thought most readers extend into piece. wrong again huh have to use ol' 'she watches' 'her bedroom' in order you see her there well that's not hard do. late afternoon watch squirrels from my bedroom balcony chasing jays away seeds taking god granted ----grammar confusion here. i'd put chase present tense. who is every living scene maybe scream and swoop swear at twitching tails unaware great hidden sacks full that state god's name eight glyphs ----the alliteration too much this. cut it better one them. what makes relate glyphs. awkward. if could just say 'unaware sacks'. oh man. had a complete meltdown comprehension. ridge distance silhouettes against sanguine sky ----resist temptation end poem on poetic note. this only seems nothing do sure doesn't anything . hadn't last two lines were ending 'poetic' more observations afternoon. am really grateful. -blue -beau 85310 not a poem jessica a.c. snyder my version of writer's block... this is though it contains poetic elements like break here and metered rhyme within it's mock-refrains . there no thing holding life or joy tears except the words themselves they'll bring tears--only sense disappointment to reader who expects find here. immense originality thought phrase aren't placing on page so true yet as unknown frees days that follow from stiflingly mundane. sparkling metaphor simile invite richer vision plain ordinary stuff one part conveys epiphany brings about shift towards deeper thought. if could be called couldn't good. 85311 sonnet 73 david halitsky in necessary sleep i unaware of how my hair would thicken and then thin soon the recent novelty air come on schedule as oxygen lay dreaming nothing what now can't dream. can it be you'll cede your daily trip who cares for me seems impossible let them stop drip. but we have loved by a living will to which just one revision has been made so testify that two still face unity though afraid. light whereof we'll pull plug trust heart tolerate tug. 85312 re not a poem hannah alright. i have an earnest question. why should read beyond let s say l2 or l3 isn t it sort of like joke s-on-you post where if keep reading can only blame myself for the ensuing disappointment author has obligingly given up all responsibility work making worthwhile engendering with craft care. so in seriousness. don really get it. most you could hope would be fellow poet feeling empathy situation described but even so. well. yeah. we write well poems there any additional insight at least interesting way telling that same old story then what this is set lines and yet as unknown frees days follow from stiflingly mundane. getting to through surrounding cluttered syntax staying interested thought when immediately dropped by wayside. doesn do much me. thanks though chance offer my opinion. -h 85313 re sonnet 73 ryan would come on schedule as oxygen ---- meter stress seemed screwy to my ears - might just be accent and way of hearing words. i was about joke around say please.....pls...no terry poems but we have loved by a living will side not what good is that love without dnr thx for sharing forgive you the topic in necessary sleep unaware how hair thicken then thin soon recent novelty air lay dreaming nothing now can't dream. can it you'll cede your daily trip who cares me seems impossible let them stop drip. which one revision has been made so testify two still face unity though afraid. light whereof we'll pull plug trust heart tolerate tug. 85314 re hannah m well bellowed is not how i would describe my plea but you must return and check out reading list. will be impressed. pls to your email. danke. 85315 thnx for responding it was in the works david halitsky several weeks before current brouhaha broke but i realize its coincidental topicality is a problem. yes - gen of oxygen has to undergo what purists call promotion so that ygen winds up true iamb. some would pronounce as an anapest. forget isn't they reverse dactyl i.e. ox-y-gen . thanks again taking time respond. 85316 re not a poem jessica a.c. snyder alright. i have an earnest question. why should read beyond let s say l2 or l3 shit. was hoping maybe the reader would think is poet only speaking of am currently reading she addressing someting outside poetry and trying to be brave stupid enough state what this question might make rest at least slightly worth reading. yes posted primarily for fun it but in part as well sort hold me these standards attempt. author has obligingly given up all responsibility work making worthwhile engendering with craft care. did you really see nothing carefully crafted here wow. there lot labor care thought here--of define good poetry. destroyed always when respond any my crap quite humbled that two lines even mildly tweeked your interest having anything hint originality effort. will humiliate myself admit careful attention line breaks meter rhyme language continually raise reader's mind whther self-referring. need stick prose think. i'm just masochist ignore own sensible advice. no sense adressed much another several others addressed itself tries examine actually does guess self-awareness needs toned down bit real purpose lament loss truly startlingly haunting published world. saying there's there--not by long shot--there's so more obvioulsy a-student-of-a-colleague-who-published-my-student's-shit type hard continue paying subscription fees . 85317 oh i see yes schedule david halitsky must be pronounced as us barbarians in the colonies pronounce it with three syllables sched-u-el sorry didn't note this my previous response. thanks again 85318 re anniversaries hannah saymon i owe you an email realize regardless of my communication failings feel as if can hear this poem loud-and-clear and like what it s saying for the most part. has a gerald stern-ish twist in there somewhere although m possibly just that because way move between human animal particularly with birds frame . not interested boy cigarette image sure. perhaps isolated enough unique me to see narrator does. humbling himself he shoe makes shoes is literally tied ground lowly opposition fire fancy-dancing etc wonder doesn t aim either bit too high tone or off-frame wanting come back boy. wish was more connected expressed desires she barefoot flugelhorns despite clear indication from about horns. still. want connection. now ll stop before ve reached end your patience. enjoyed -hannah 85319 re not a poem ryan i will tell you what didnt do it for me... at all meant as personal attack was boring. the words seemed tired and worn. to me matter if there clever break or perfect meter...the subject interest me. just being honest - am saying is bad writing wasn't something said like reading coloring book where someone managed color within lines nice showed skill but were artist already. felt restrained by its own topic 85320 arranged marriage new draft asher i understand that have posted 3 poems in 2 days. will certainly do some detailed crits tonight. thanks. white of bygone wedding snow unfurls a bolt bridal cloth the city is not destroyed but yields. here these streets venders smoked chicken and clearings plough. she gazes into window at displays. people flock around her again. ski jacket kids laugh poke prod to deceive single word conceive from black. right before zamboni erases blade marks. after dog pees on snow. covers over speckled yellow. solo. an empty guitar case with layer alphabet being unable whiten. now apartment there one room unreserved for mounting itself. imagines pigeon. sit ledge squawk shit black umbrellas. consider collapsing moment it conceived syllable falling faint alien word. attempts walls flutter like drapes. sentence snowy clean thoughts flies swarming eyes stern preceptor. perpetual aftermath something untouched. owl its wings swoops down field mouse. mouse squirming finally releases need larger than 85321 in limbo ctg christopher t george traffic lights stick on amber the u.s. capitol ghosts behind winter trees as lawmakers debate whether to remove our feeding tube. t. 85322 re arranged marriage new draft hannah lambda- there is no possible way i can keep up with critting these. you post a revision while m writing this and coming to your house baseball bat. or something. anyway. admit little sad see jump into prose-blocks. not that have particular problem know don t but just was excited trying work the linebreaks in original version s of control some elements pacing so on. one things noticed repetition white without alterability line-breaks much more leaden on ear. it seems collapsing meme centrally-driven quickly too disposable. particularly because strict chronological narrative here heavy use setting words sure gained by chunking together like this. ll bite. most changes made. flies think are since last time read it. ski jacket. two considered elements. still lyrically has lot going for find voice slightly mature perceptive than others. so. yeah. mark down as biased towards move . -h 85323 re in limbo ctg ryan our feeding tube i dont care for our. it seems like an attempt to expand a particular situation into something that effects us all. reality might. might not. but without adding my own bias this poem doesnt provide me with any reason trust thanks sharing - know was gonna start reading terry poems today. -ryan traffic lights stick on amber the u.s. capitol ghosts behind winter trees as lawmakers debate whether remove tube. christopher t. george 85324 re arranged marriage new draft asher hannah thanks. gc made me aware of the problems in posting revisions etc. so i won't do that anymore. my problem with this one is not much prose blocks as it white black dichotomy. but have to stick for now because when don't write poetry incomprehensible - could probably rework those lines line breaks...perhaps if make appear are a monologue her head...that do. later draft. thanks noticing elements here. best reverted back paragraphs partly b c davey liked them better and appears cleaner some sense s . lambda- there no possible way can keep up critting these. you post revision while m writing coming your house baseball bat. or something. anyway. admit little sad see jump into prose-blocks. particular know don t just was excited trying work linebreaks original version control pacing on. things noticed repetition without alterability line-breaks more leaden on ear. seems collapsing meme centrally-driven quickly too disposable. particularly strict chronological narrative here heavy use setting words sure gained by chunking together like this. ll bite. most changes made. flies think since last time read it. ski jacket. two considered elements. still lyrically has lot going find voice slightly mature perceptive than others. so. yeah. mark down biased towards move -h 85325 re in limbo ctg christopher t george our feeding tube i dont care for our. it seems like an attempt to expand a particular situation into something that effects us all. reality might. might not. but without adding my own bias this poem doesnt provide me with any reason trust thanks sharing - know was gonna start reading terry poems today. -ryan ryan. you said it. 85326 goldfish revised jables i ran the path to water where opened my bags of see them glow against dark river silt. they finned then sank like little gold ships. stood wet knees lost hands deep beneath everything eluded me. father s fishing boat motoring away is a snapshot his face hidden by sunburst striking hat. later swam with boys under bridge felt licking. grown men now have been lured songs do not know. before sunup anyone could stop me went into again. hair spread over fingers. at toes so many lives. 85327 re arranged marriage new draft sore juana de la cruzing i understand that have posted 3 poems in 2 days. will certainly do some detailed crits tonight. thanks. white of bygone wedding snow unfurls a bolt bridal cloth the city is not destroyed but yields. here these streets venders smoked chicken and clearings plough. she gazes into window at displays. people flock around her again. ski jacket kids laugh poke prod to deceive single word conceive from black. right before zamboni erases blade marks. after dog pees on snow. covers over speckled yellow. solo. an empty guitar case with layer alphabet being unable whiten. now apartment there one room unreserved for mounting itself. imagines pigeon. sit ledge squawk shit black umbrellas. consider collapsing moment it conceived syllable falling faint alien word. attempts walls flutter like drapes. sentence snowy clean thoughts flies swarming eyes stern preceptor. perpetual aftermath something untouched. owl its wings swoops down field mouse. mouse squirming finally releases need larger than could you post original little cricket remember this ending -- thought laurel. i'd sure. cricket. please reposte yor thanks would love crit what was my namenamenamenamename oh yeah t i'm changing it's 'crash' glissandoly yours chimpati 85328 revised si mon thanks haaaaaaaaaannnnnnaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah the boy and cigarette was triggering town. but i can rub him out. trust your judgement perhaps too much. you want fancy dancing flugelhorns a girl that smells like fire burnt wood. to hang coat in spent plum never again wear shoes. am shoe all tongue. live sell shoes harvest field of italian leather plow under over-ripe pumps. fashion for grackles outside my window. black tie-ups. open-toed one with crooked eyes. said return as bird. be more specific. brown-headed cowbird junco chickadee spazzing driveway dust. maybe re hummingbird see trumpet vine. this is not about or absence birds. should past tense sadness. 85329 re revised hannah meow- you know. i don't like the cigarette frame all that much but do idea of a frame...and in fact... think come back as thing needs some grounding. poem to move into human. so just yank it out. doesn't seem right. 85330 re goldfish revised asher jables-- i've seen both versions of this now and i'm not sure how you really reworked rethought the poetics in piece. i think that its largely same piece with some change diction. poem reads like a dream which uses tropes have been so battered by it's worth exploring them unless can make new. specifically thinking water fish dreaming...and coupled snapshots redundant snapshot has hard chance surviving my mind it performs feats language. suppose tired dreaming poems. bias made explicit i'll try to slip here. ran path where opened bags see glow against dark river silt. --i lyricism movement from if is indeed one could argue there need be specificity images etc. but what kind bag. why probably employed more etherial verb though would grounded enough. they finned then sank little gold ships. stood wet knees lost hands deep beneath everything eluded me. wonder should adhere strict meter strive pure lyric. rather than choosing line breaks do here focus on structual rhythmic aspects. for instance making series quatrains distinct still loose rhythmical patterning. last kills me because aforementioned problems elusion trope explictly spelled out. liked motion action or epiphany spelling itself god ships makes sweet sentiment wholly unsatisfying reader. just noticed may an interesting turn simile. writing old english - father s fishing boat motoring away his face hidden sunburst striking hat. --again notion elusive clearly throw up want say later swam boys under bridge felt licking. grown men lured songs know. problem. follows cliched formula. are dead right there. doesn't seem alive even dream. water's licking before sunup anyone stop went into again. hair spread over fingers. at toes many lives. lives...but left as hush end strophe wish poet started there...and first out moreso uninteresting language lack turns surprise. no without guile irony puns word play...or stick lyric own lucid beauty. 85331 re revised si mon woof maybe so. frames r us. i will check it latter. believe have been transformed. you read the story beeman of orn tanks -- meow- know. don't like cigarette frame all that much but do idea a frame...and in fact... think come back as thing needs some grounding. poem to move into human. so just yank out. doesn't seem right. 85332 y'all are so right jessica a.c. snyder this was fun to and a good catharsis but it obviously has little offer i'll consider not worth revision. is hence forth officially scrap. i can always count on board firmly remind me what level of the scrap heap my junk belongs in. thanks you two for givin' much-needed kick in sittin' spot. d 85334 re arranged marriage new draft asher t-- ha. do you like john of the cross i can't post another as made a pledge not to clutter board anymore with infinite revisions and little monologues. that's what mentioned above hannah-ji. but could email it if you'd like. in regards esoteric chapati conversation we seem be having parathas are tastier than chapatis. ghee is butter. meant comment on your blue jay poem was less linguistically intruiging some other work. cricket remember this ending -- thought laurel. i'd zamboni for sure. original cricket. please reposte yor thanks would love crit my namenamenamenamename oh yeah t i'm changing that right now it's 'crash' glissandoly yours chimpati 85335 re animal lens g.c. hi sherry and nice to make your acquaintance. there is indeed a lot like here though jack i was tempted shuffle. for the moment i'm going resist temptation. first of all it's fourteener so even there's no obvious rhyme scheme looking waiting some sort shift between octet sextet. course major shift--as you've noted--comes in final couplet. which fine by me merely want offer that structure suggests other possibilities either revision or not. electromagnetic radiation bounces off back inside my eyeball elementary geometry. chief struggle this poem with opening 4-line sentence. decidedly non-lyrical wad technospeak--which you follow up looser more conversational eyeball. matter taste but own thinking if really open you'll something specific sensually resonant--which 'bounces were reading journal confess would stop here. finger-counting at six feet. oh lovely selfish world where outer colors leap private myopic wash latter half little interesting esp. pun on turn from specificity apostrophic o i'd go rather than world-weary works very well me. much less because word cues refuses share reader. another visual blank--and not only blank calls attention itself. conceptually it work better think line preceded vivid. peace everything s blended zen quote close focus fog mine bubble blind. come nearer face edge cliff. pretty happy can understand why end blind gorgeous. couplet wholly convincing pulls risky i.e. sudden binary prestidigitation scale further spite interest poem's proximity sonnet wondering whether isn't touch longer moving into these lines . definitely eight could stand thought least one round reworking. spare both its quality sensual intelligence sure every counts. finally title what you're trying evoke basic physical mechanics sight. good title. we never do get animal-ness lens--do might keep mind as revise. second-guessing poem--not really. unexamined unexplored. hope helpful gc 85336 re goldfish revised g.c. good evening and glad to make your acquaintance. actually i prefer the original version of this. think current is much too 'telly' as in show don't tell that invaluable chestnut --and language not up even this slender narrative. poem's essential gesture a brief one unless you're willing quarry richer compression brevity work advantage. i'm going critique earlier little more detail so if interested skip below. best gc 85337 re y'all are so right asher i agree with ryan and hannah. but you may consider reworking it...the sentiment is obviously there in the poem your comments . making worthwhile by it do exactly what feel modern poetry should be doing. employing some of academic language jargons hyperbole heady to actually try make a parody it...if problem or divorced from social sphere lack beauty precision clarity. think such if have driving force write would fun challenging write...it reminded me list that someone posted here while back seemed poking at grocery was itself redundant list. well an interesting sure counter productive its own premise. point being mourn all time when pick up journals. either am blind deaf simply poor impatient reader. probably shut now. ag need coffee. 85339 re fathers daughters g.c. ok back to this version. jessica has offered you a superb critique much of which i agree with. i'll walk through the poem seconding some her comments and making few my own. agreed completely with as title's inadequacy although for me it's less question hallmarky diction guess greeting card sentiment is offset by echo turgenev's sons than an abstraction that borders on outright vacancy. said goldfish i'm sorry say infinitely worse. based these examples it seems are thinking titles labels. i'd like challenge not to--that view them something more fresh integral part itself. in terms helping prepare reader read doing interesting work goldfish. there any way expanding upon title or coming up resonant will somehow evoke invoke key relationship before sunup anyone could stop us we ran path river where opened our bags see glow among dark silt. they finned sank gold ships set adrift. wet knees searched water dipped wrists. but were gone. version action quick clear direct motion fable children meaning think appropriate its subject matter. there's lot esp. ships. can't usefully add adrift image. one element jessica's disagree really liked line couple reasons first implies girls maimed handless entirely control their own fates parallels inability recover freed second wrists subliminal sexual content cold perfume against wrist surprising sensual move fingers hands palms. sound chiming dipping also providing ghost-echo wrests. gone little pretentious me--a too obvious--but several rereadings your decide how finesse narrative break here without it. after mother became heavy step behind bedroom door. black hid bass coaxed wormy lies was nothing fear. came then swam ______________away. waited return. am full total agreement concerning lies. thing six seven metrical feet within lines iambs drawing sort heavy-footed attention sentiment. another don't have clue what is. third overwritten whose touch so far been light almost glancing. cut rewrite. beyond simply stanza needs be rethought. trying translate from riverside into domestic arena just fish parents lack . good essential poem's aims. sure stage direction though maybe does--anyone else care comment away you're either fear ignorance threat--maybe all three--but gesture vague no affect bleeds through. eye glazes at moment decisive least apprehensible required. certainly offsetting sophomoric attempt highlight distancing language hasn't conveyed. final couplet problematic me. would sentimental therefore pernicious should discarded. however having committed same when child--and involving goldfish--i know well sensation pilgrimage returning again spot hoping baby squirrel tadpoles whatever there. about nature child's mastery seeing ourselves wanting stare human qualities thank recognize us. do hence abiding grief fretfulness estrangement....so fifth eighth thought want end particular longing perhaps using current draft. deep longing--an estrangement--that need simmer down very short burst if unbalance poem. can worth about. such hurry. hope helpful. best gc p.s. keep mind re-vision titular fathers. lost speaks father daughter asking make poem--that explanation kill rework ending various point relative calm try evaluating options underlies 85340 re lichen on an old fence post g.c. howdy and i have to say ctg that i'm pretty much in agreement with ann marie jessica ryan--especially ryan--on this one. my question is what the poem offering photograph itself does not its current draft you of course but it's developed as both ryan note little else. like way transfers reader's attention from substrate wood there's no investiture real reason follow any further or for qua velvet burl mind. own thought would be explore photo further--though it indeed a magnificent photo--but concentrate why tell me casual up intentions are. think says has role here if s he exists at all interfere else interfere. makes host formalist exercises description mainly british side canon auden ted hughes. without heart. make look yes cheat because actual . more than care. lover back gc 85342 naw... jessica a.c. snyder i've decided the subject matter here is of sort best delegated to essay. as poetry it hypocritical and i despise myself when make a hypocrit myself. think i'd rather try write that doesn't add problem instead wasting time on something simply adds one more bad poem wealth out there. in fact if weren't poor ettiquette erase others have spent responding this slovenly mistake do my part stop poetic pollution. ah well. need coffee. preach brother. on. 85343 re after our conversation g.c. hi jessica and even before moving on to your bramble i must say how much i've appreciated detailed thoughtful critiques this board. haven't always agreed with you but anyone who puts that effort empathy into another's poem count as good company indeed. you've gotten some very comments already doubt can add them. geoff may notice was positively respectful though agree him--and he put it elegantly--that there are repetitions for meter rhyme's sake strike mas weak in terms of their language. like most modernist or my case postmodernist am reluctant excuse slack language the grounds completes a metrical pattern. also many modernists postmodernists do not valorize any pattern its own form's sake--i'd rather see take risks exceptions an established than round out prescripted gesture empty syllables phrases. it's important realize work title is doing. although bowen we await surprise moment revelation does come lot dramatic accomplished private space between poem's opening line. discreet tell us what nature was. guess gist entirely positive however. if saw pause beside field where once picked til hands were berry-black mouths same season s sweetest yield blackberries leapfrogged way back through paths fresh green growth fallen logs parlors bordered by grown-ups watched refill steaming dialogues often coffee cups would first octet. essentially descriptive accomplishes two other sleights hand time adult vs. child blackberry patch parlor . part effective think. especially audenesque ring cups. lovely writing elegant damning indictment hubris pretention read lately. be trying recall which path lead wandering gang cousins still-ripe memory just sort comes d j vu spoke tonight about past hope yet believe last. i'm less satisfied sextet turn you. simply don't think line interesting. second action referred octet suddenly enlarged from implied pair speaker whole crew --this unexpected jarring further sure new information really adds anything. i'd argue nothing revised fact distracts. strikes me overwritten point sentiment. can't find treacly get across flatfoots heavy iambics unmemorable sentiment feels borrowed perfume commercial. penultimate ruins subtle referring seems simultaneously clumsy exclusive refer conversation--the specifics --then why able fill content questions style form aside grave misstep. ...and undercuts lingering power final might have exuded. suppose then given moments--the sharp excellent moments--of unwilling let slide gauzy nostalgia. probably nix try brainstorming possibilities provide ending wants want--should want--the somewhere fresh. rooting that. helpful gc 85344 re roll call g.c. hi geoff agreed this is quite the pure lyric motion from you and a surprise given your usual narrative rhetorical preoccupations. i like though don't have much to say beyond that. think would final word of poem be something other than observer some __________. comes perilously close personification not very interesting at if must personify--and it's definitely an option--i go for stranger here sentry barber deserter etc. experiment with like. short critique. i'd see more in mode. --gc 85345 re in limbo -- revised ctg christopher t george some people are advising me that this last line packs more punch-- traffic lights stick on amber the u.s. capitol ghosts behind winter trees as lawmakers debate whether to remove nation's feeding tube. t. 85346 re shots of spring yoly hey asher i do appreciate you stopping in and taking the time to comment. ok language isn't terribly interesting. wanted be plain story behind photos told plainly. see all your points they make sense. thank kindly for input. peace ly-- hope you're well. offered a couple edits below consideration new title perhaps is little generic although like i'm ambivalent about bit. another word with more texture if that makes any use this online thesarus now as write which helps me great deal. -i thought poem could somehow purge itself aiming second person some way. probably it can't... --definitely would consider losing zephyr rather colloquial puts almost immediately into romantic genre reconsider part comes through me. one those large unifying concepts don't quite amount much reader. dunno suppose personal feel no need go further honest... idea hair obstructing lens causing her relational fluid aspect their codependent being. insight seems heart such presuming statement. but then picture constituting self redundent. obstruction interested -ok so whose holding camera at end...well. ok. --i'm not sure ladybug leaps anyway lacks interesting start an trope was cut off didn't follow on introduced. 85347 re in limbo -- revised ctg ryan i dont have a prob with the ending - hard time getting into approach angle you take. only reason this poem is isn't hitting to me because of bias for against subject. your too removed be effective it simply describes situation and takes pretty timid stance ppl are waiting man overrule god. remove immediacy event... what do nothing hard-hitting. novel. heard an interesting comment about issue being extension abortion. that pov can some ground probing. need something more clever than one hears paper news brand new way look at everyone's talking puts disadvantage before even get pen paper. makes difficult write. but yes like better our 1st draft 85348 feverish laurel the sun s neither lemon nor honey as it burns off fog within and without which is milk so viscously whole coats throat going down just an hour ago your body turned tossed burned up under covers if fever had a mind of its own or thinned out now to skim same pale blue ghost eyelids quiver like moths all aflutter with love for light they ve finally found perhaps isn t but merely dissolves swallowed by suddenness day onset startling unannounced eyes opened when moments were closed here in bed sky ogling me i blush shy tulips pushing cream into coffee stir gone snow not flour sugar salt sifts softly my hand alighting on forehead swan coming rest upon thawed pond. want these fingers need this mouth. forgive grabbing biting. more never enough glass always half- empty no matter how much you pour yourself out. desire amber ribbon unraveling slowly undone gravity dissembled tongue key that unlocks dangling from spoon melting steamy cup. wrong. dough swelled belly yawning beneath towel promise hot oven solid uncut loaf. 85349 re you only live once waiting for sylvia sydney g.c. hi alex you've already received some good comments on this. it's a very accomplished poem sure of its form gestures. me the minor shifts in diction tone largely work. few additional your fingers trail comet through sky accuse certain lies but never ones i ve committed. mother makes manhattan forgets cherries she always forgets. father reads editorial page ny times stop midair where tail lights nice scene-setting. i'm not bothered by fact that why you's midair--though keep thinking maybe pair are speaking asl--which somehow stranger more delightful. getting accused something or berated asl is own unique experience those us who don't regularly language. and flickers into moon. love smell spring damp soil against knee way leaves an old maple wave like semaphore we could decipher. untruths were whispered now part our folklore winter buried under coat varnish hardwood. fine. hanging wash feigning interest at what neighbor says garage fixing lawnmower fourth fifth time summer. remind permanent borrowed from same seeds planted garden. m unsure constellation have to agree important excuses itself with --by indeterminacy mean--and even so much alleged prosiness--rather domestic banality being invoked. it seems has covered essential ground. first two stanzas essentially scene-setting scene set definitively hardwood reader wants sort action take place least accrue. thus this stanza fundamentally stall poem. would strongly council removing sentence replacing else. if you're reluctant do try without asking yourself precisely terms drama language lost excision. decide ultimately then think you'll need rewrite. stains southern hemisphere uncertain how dismantle framework past. wipes tears eyes lays quietly his sunday best paints family portrait. pinch cloud between my last cigarette light after long drag snuff out dirt. line dandy. really fan which maudlin predictable--but also blank. doing dad's dead knew he was small engine repair. and--shouldn't be make chime off stanza. and-- cliche and--agreed following no clear referent. and--how final motion --seemingly remembered childhood present moment--accomplished apprehend transition sudden me. all say 3-4 weaker than 1-2. any about death grieving relationship problems etc. needs avoid worth. must confess am fond title--if encounter journal slush pile difficult convince read further. cliched title promises little fresh development unless someone albert goldbarth behind manuevers. sorry can't wholly enthusiastic here--i want be--but hope these reactions useful way. gc 85350 re arranged marriage new draft sore juana de la cruzing t-- ha. do you like john of the cross i can't post another as made a pledge not to clutter board anymore with infinite revisions and little monologues. that's what mentioned above hannah-ji. but could email it if you'd like. ok. cricket. sounds good. in regards esoteric chapati conversation we seem be having parathas are tastier than chapatis. corn based ghee is butter. meant comment on your blue jay poem was less linguistically intruiging some other work. oh oh. i've been confused again. aint' got no poem. seems shall have heed christopher robin this time round my t asher cricket 85351 re you only live once waiting for sylvia sydney alex stolis hi gc thanks taking the time to read and provide such a thoughtful detailed critique. i think perhaps have tried put too much in short space process weakened whole piece. this is part of series been messing with about film noir leading ladies. trying varying success maintain preserve mood particular movie but at same bring it into present. has reform henry fonda criminal. she eventually gets sucked his way life on lam leaving behind her rather mainstream life. was juxtapose two lives make flow evenly remain coherent. probably more than wanted know might shake up bit see what falls out. again scroll down peace you've already received some good comments this. it's very accomplished poem sure its form gestures. me minor shifts diction tone largely work. few additional nice scene-setting. i'm not bothered by fact that why you's fingers stop midair--though keep thinking maybe pair are speaking asl--which somehow makes stranger delightful. getting accused something or berated asl own unique experience those us who don't regularly language. fine. agree important excuses itself from mother hanging wash now feigning interest neighbor says father garage fixing lawnmower fourth fifth summer. --by indeterminacy mean--and even so alleged prosiness--rather domestic banality being invoked. seems covered essential ground. first stanzas essentially scene-setting scene set definitively hardwood reader wants sort action take place least accrue. thus stanza fundamentally stall poem. would strongly council removing sentence replacing else. if you're reluctant do try without asking yourself precisely terms drama language lost through excision. decide ultimately then you'll need rewrite. line dandy. really fan wipes tears your eyes which maudlin predictable--but also blank. doing dad's dead last knew he small engine repair. and--shouldn't be lies chime off stanza. and-- sunday best cliche and--agreed following no clear referent. and--how final motion --seemingly remembered childhood present moment--accomplished apprehend transition sudden me. all say 3-4 weaker 1-2. any death grieving relationship problems etc. needs avoid worth. must confess am fond title--if were encounter journal slush pile difficult convince further. cliched title promises little fresh development unless someone like albert goldbarth manuevers. sorry can't wholly enthusiastic here--i want be--but hope these reactions useful way. 85352 re after our conversation jessica a.c. snyder hi and even before moving on to your bramble i must say how much i've appreciated detailed thoughtful critiques this board. haven't always agreed with you but anyone who puts that effort empathy into another's poem count as good company indeed. well thank i'm happy be counted such. geoff may notice was positively respectful though agree him--and he put it very elegantly--that there are repetitions for meter rhyme's sake strike mas weak in terms of their language. damn near fell off my seat when realized actually wasn't doing the linguistic equivalent spitting is most frequently wont do. asked him about what meant by repetitiveness meter's really did not any feeling stingy myself allowing everything thought essential a cherished memory poem. now hearing from realize have committed graver offense than paying too homage time-honored formalist metrical pattern unwittingly used such mundane language parts seems metric filler. got fix post haste. content problems one purely imagination will admit take some minor artistic license spot or two . because has purpose clear trying convey going sister whose painfully different more cynical view shared childhood caused written can't change sisters cousins picking--maybe i'll introduce familial aspect sooner thus avoid jarring huh later can sure all heck bring life message deserve. felt iffy towards couplet why. you've halped me figure out title comment. bit room play methinks since they changed. again thanks so time quite helpful analysis hope rewrite--when get done worth posting--pleases you. 85354 first version please. jessica a.c. snyder i much prefer our to the nation's. with this is more personal and thus can stomach political intrusion into such georgeous imagery as u.s. capitol ghosts behind winter trees because it seems honest relevant. when you insert presumptuous nation's suddenly cold distant less personally felt. in short would please analysts but are paid trade grand-sounding hollow phrases. my dear a poet charged writing truth-conveying phrases of grand import if not sound. does that make sense also selfish know want than an amber nice word choice by way light wonderful description capital building felt was back dc standing on mall looking at white through fog--excellent languistic choices imo . feel like i'm losing out limbo. remind me what stake. perhaps am homesick excellent place contrast between real world removed-from-reality politics hosts. really don't wnat become poem loses it's direction once next huge debate distracts nation from current one. loathe relegate those two lines quoted which im mensely enamored realm temporally limited purely poetry. must pick your purpose statement serve now or enduring understanding truth. tubes limiting too for anyway terri schiavo s case alone. hmmm... get any thoughts i'll give 'em ya 'em. piece work excellently has captured me. 85355 title g.c. well there goes my criticism of the title. i don't know film so missed that allusion entirely it would probably stand out much better in as you say a sequence.... said think narrative problems latter section remain problems. maybe poem does need little more space which to unfold. good luck gc 85356 karbala revision asher estranged from me i long to see you through the symmetry of gauze squares. make absence burrow. brood. ab sense. outside sacred precincts felt earth beneath soften. now look on stony ground at bolt black clothe weaving a highway. my eyes are green tell me. follow. freeze. fallow. sacrosanct is surrounded quails returning their nets. split open like desiccated seed. say eng lish. commerce. skirt. our sink feet into again. bucolic. pockets. burn. 85357 liked this alot one observation ... david halitsky asher - i am bad at hearing metrical off-reads but maybe isn't such an off-read. line felt the earth beneath you soften. is a virtually perfect dead-ringer metrically for some of lines in j webb's lyrics glenn campbell hit galveston oh still hear your sea winds blowin' see her dark eyes glowin' she was 21 when left waves crashing while watch cannons flashing clean my gun and dream standing by water there lookin' out to waiting me on beach where we used run so afraid dying before dry tears she's crying birds flying sun fact there's very similar feelng about two pieces though obviously they're thematically unrelated. dunno karma or dharma someone galveston. best regards 85358 re anniversaries asher hey simon i'm in agreement with hannah on these first two lines...and i-you was pertubing for my read and are counter-productive to the poems flow. frame seems necessary ending structural aspects so i would reconsider some other images opening. unlike ryan though didn't mind this should be past tense like all sadness. but it s not about you or absence of birds rain. thought that they were simply aptly placed. purge strophe 2-3 excessive pronouns. posted an example a boy at bus stop cups his hands light cigarette slight want fancy dancing flugelhorns girl smells fire burnt wood. hang your coat spent plum never again wear shoes. am shoe tongue. live sell shoes harvest field italian leather plow under over-ripe pumps. fashion grackles outside window. black tie-ups. open-toed one crooked eyes. said return as bird. more specific. well makes plea direct think brown-headed cowbird junco chickadee spazzing driveway dust. maybe absent hummingbird see trumpet vine. little abstact reduces clutter pronouns come back drop wets rising puff. something else. hope is useful 85359 the fish beneath ice si mon i think of at central park. not park but ours. in summer our grassy banks slick with goose shit. chained swings pissy cement tunnels old broken down fire truck we drove away are still driving. winter was shades blade mapped slush that froze toes. snowpants praying peeked for looking up. where gripped rusty railing because like way sounds now 38 years later. if you complain ve taken reader out poem so what. tell it to shocked by stupid faces. live a land held up invisible formulas. even squirrels whisper attics. further off sirens call. 85360 on second thought -- a revision si mon i think of the fish beneath ice at central park. not park but ours. in summer our grassy banks slick with goose shit. chained swings pissy cement tunnels old broken down fire truck we drove away are still driving. winter was shades blade mapped slush that froze toes. snowpants praying peeked for looking up. where gripped rusty railing because like way sounds now 38 years later. if you complain ve taken reader out poem so what. tell it to shocked by stupid faces. 85361 re feverish si mon i have often dreamed about writing a poem that was one long actual sentence but never been able to do it. thought this is where you were headed...but didn't it either. get the fever pitch in trtuth found myself getting annoyed at either ors -- as if poet just too greedy not she couldn't actually make up her mind. know your style has lots with density and sonics find bogged down mud on boot bottoms heavy. are talented intelligent what doing. so say maybe me...this tries hard. think would zoom into other sphere serious edit. right stuff little my opinion much of more below. sun s neither lemon nor honey burns off fog within without which milk viscously whole coats throat going an hour ago body turned tossed burned under covers had mind its own good start first line. second line muddy. saying doubting poet's believe. really or problem might work running third attempt here mirror confusion perhaps. could lose . obbjected being cliche enjoying having process. overall thin very strong objections will certainly fade upon further readings thinned out now skim same pale blue ghost eyelids quiver like moths all aflutter love for light they ve finally isn't bad....but don't flutter easy. i'm even fond they've perhaps isn t merely dissolves swallowed by suddenness day onset startling unannounced eyes opened when moments closed bed sky ogling me blush resist coming poem...i should leave you. section shows sign wanting immitate sickness seems forced. suddeness day's awkward shy tulips pushing cream coffee stir gone snow flour sugar salt sifts softly hand alighting forehead swan rest thawed pond. some good...the whiteness still want these fingers need mouth. forgive grabbing biting. enough glass always half- empty no matter how pour yourself out. desire amber ribbon unraveling slowly undone gravity dissembled tongue key unlocks dangling from spoon melting steamy cup. wrong. dough swelled belly yawning beneath towel promise hot oven solid uncut loaf. final image...but over written. sensuality half filled etc. used before new here. rambling here....and can't tell be possible take poem...unless change something story impossible keep ending nothing ray vw does kidding course enjoyed 85362 the saddened xylophone lunch ryan and my lobster sandwich says i don't love sound of oboes anymore. rubber geraniums wilt under kitchen lights. if our waitress came from copenhagen napkins are slinking paper leaves amongst gumbo. epilogue is most beautiful woman feeling an uninhabited kimono. when patrick swayze lights a cigarette flick thumb sends ember flying. 85363 re the saddened xylophone lunch si mon i enjoyed this -- but felt poet trrying too hard for surreal. sometimes it takes a softer touch. offer edit another look. my lobster sandwich says don't love sound of oboes anymore. geraniums wilt under kitchen lights. if our waitress came from copenhagen napkins are slinking leaves amongst gumbo. epilogue is most beautiful woman when patrick swayze lights cigarette his thumb flick sends an ember flying. 85364 re the saddened xylophone lunch asher ryan-- i'm in agreement with simon about surreal aspects of this pushing too hard to detriment i think possible meanings underlying themes revealing themselves. you may try begin poem rubber geraniums wilt under kitchen lights simply ground physicality at first...something probably should have done karbala. some comments follow --i would cut back on modifier here title is already interesting enough although not quite sure how it enmeshed and or realized within body poem. that doesn't matter me much but when an array images a somewhat elliptical help decipher what meaning insight being imparted by consider repeating line emphasize theme. offered example below . dunno. lights. my lobster sandwich says don't love sound oboes anymore. if our waitress came from copenhagen napkins are slinking paper leaves amongst gumbo. --this sentence make sense me. wouldn't be problematic was refracting throughout ie come why does warrant following phrase epilogue most beautiful woman feeling uninhabited kimono. --the leap previous one really warranted imo. perhaps need bridge two certain degree. patrick swayze cigarette flick thumb sends ember flying. --all all language as they do seem sacrifice imho. lord feel dull today ha 85365 re the saddened xylophone lunch ryan thanks for applying paint thinner to my painting -i suppose base was a bit thick i am not ready toss mine yours -but it is direction should go appreciated. 85366 re first version please. christopher t george i much prefer our to the nation's. with this is more personal and thus can stomach political intrusion into such georgeous imagery as u.s. capitol ghosts behind winter trees because it seems honest relevant. when you insert presumptuous nation's suddenly cold distant less personally felt. in short would please analysts but are paid trade grand-sounding hollow phrases. my dear a poet charged writing truth-conveying phrases of grand import if not sound. does that make sense also selfish know want than an amber nice word choice by way light wonderful description capital building felt was back dc standing on mall looking at white through fog--excellent languistic choices imo . feel like i'm losing out limbo. remind me what stake. perhaps am homesick excellent place contrast between real world removed-from-reality politics hosts. really don't wnat become poem loses it's direction once next huge debate distracts nation from current one. loathe relegate those two lines quoted which im mensely enamored realm temporally limited purely poetry. must pick your purpose statement serve now or enduring understanding truth. tubes limiting too for anyway terri schiavo s case alone. hmmm... get any thoughts i'll give 'em ya 'em. piece work excellently has captured me. hi jessica well humbled honored so much. will do best use them justice. thank interest support. indeed have other suggestions be most interested hear either here forum e-mail. all chris 85367 re the saddened xylophone lunch ryan thanks for your time too - i agree it needs thinning out also more attention to bridges or less btwn thoughts either way am in middle of road at moment xlyophone well might not be realized yet but that was result some jackass lack a better word playing one throughout whole where he wasnt really j.a nice 85368 re feverish asher talk about overwhelming sister. off the bat i'm not quite sure that lack of punctuation is to poems advantage. rhymically poem excellent. my problems are again with certain images you've chosen. --like title. being a whole lot be interesting than fever. sun s neither lemon nor honey as it burns fog within and without which milk so viscously coats throat going down just an hour ago your body turned tossed burned --at this point was detracting from read well seemed pushing too hard. never problem for me avid believer lover shelley. but if you could choose verbs more carefully they stand out i think would like quick shift interior exterior coating. thought convincing. however suppose wary getting sn - do idea simile. emphasize need rack brain something slightly different. or simply stick lemons were interesting. what does one take when have fever up under covers had mind its own thinned now skim same pale blue ghost --i very much liked ghost. eyelids quiver moths all aflutter --but hated love light ve finally found perhaps isn t merely dissolves swallowed by suddenness day onset startling unannounced eyes opened moments closed here in bed sky ogling blush shy tulips cream into coffee stir gone snow flour sugar salt sifts softly hand alighting on forehead swan coming rest upon thawed pond. --there's bunch stuff that's working above below...minus verb chices want these fingers mouth. forgive grabbing biting. enough glass always half- empty no matter how pour yourself out. desire amber ribbon unraveling slowly undone gravity dissembled tongue key unlocks dangling spoon melting steamy cup. wrong. dough swelled belly yawning beneath towel promise hot oven solid uncut loaf. last three lines... laurel won't go faith abilities...but suffice say find similes head language amazing. counting ag 85369 re the saddened xylophone lunch asher xlyophone well it might not be realized yet - but that was result of some jackass for lack a better word playing one throughout whole where i at he wasnt really j.a nice my ass nice. you hated it. admit ha. 85370 re karbala revision eves montagne one suggestion withing merci em estranged from me i long to see you through the symmetry of gauze squares. make absence burrow. brood. ab s ense. outside sacred precincts felt earth beneath soften. now look on stony ground at bolt black clothe weaving a highway. my eyes are green tell me. follow. freeze. fallow. sacrosanct is surrounded quails returning their nets. split open like desiccated seed. say eng lish. commerce. skirt. our sink feet into again. bucolic. pockets. burn. 85371 re sonnet 73 jessica a.c. snyder in necessary sleep i unaware of how my hair would thicken and then thin the has me curious--is this some part a medical condition what does it refer to thinning get...it's thickening bit that feeling thickheaded. also first line sets up expect tightly woven poem. second not deliver--perhaps it's are necesary other than for metric purposes. or could just be is tad tongue tripper if niftily euphonic one. soon recent novelty air come on schedule as oxygen idea here good but isn't really unless one being sarcastic don't think you wan't sarcasm here. suggest reevaluation wordchoice there. want convey was once freely unconciously partaken now provided by steady pumping machine right well have alot space easily filled more strongly iambic statement--one whose noticable rhythm echo enhance rhythmic oxygen. might easy pull off without going overboard you're capable. lay dreaming nothing can't dream. trite uninteresting--like reply question whatcha doin --it seems words when anything worth mentioning. make sense followed dream downright awkward confusing yet while still managing seem trying sound lofty . can you'll cede your daily trip who cares like repetition here--it gives seemingly unending task tirelessness care demands. ...it impossible let them stop drip. considering vegetative state implied putting forth opinion rest narration been rather passive so less person austensibly life support kind talking thinking. where begin imply there something even unseen unrecognized others truly alive we loved living will which revision made testify two face unity though afraid. diction antiquated. am actually fan higher antiquated telling poet never use painter blue yesterday imo must consistently held throughout poem used keep rhyme-scheme alive. often wrestle with myself doesn't bug much ring familiar warning bell. light whereof we'll plug trust heart tolerate tug. couplet. yes tired cliche unforgivably referencing love given these an actual frame reference sort brings back from only-an-ameteur scrap heap. nifty. 85372 re sonnet 73 asher david i'm not sure that the form is doing justice to what being said. but i don't want sound like when clearly do. --wonder if it be possible give this one a name in necessary sleep unaware of how my hair would thicken and then thin --liked line 2 however suppose you couldn't get rid 1 free up awkward colloquial syntax make flow little better no may lose beat gain reader. ha. soon recent novelty air come on schedule as oxygen --i these two lines. lay dreaming nothing now can't dream. can you'll cede your daily trip who cares for me seems impossible let them stop drip. --don't positioning here. we have loved by living will which just revision has been made so testify still face unity though afraid. light whereof we'll pull plug trust heart tolerate tug. --the first here nice ryan noted. last end rhymes final couplet are horrid - know think strophe too abstract could use some fleshing out think. hey hope riposte this. crick 85373 re the saddened xylophone lunch eves montagne who is patrick swayzee thanks 85374 re first version please. jessica a.c. snyder hi well i am humbled and honored that you like those lines so much. will do my best to use them in a poem justice. thank for your interest support. indeed if have any other thoughts or suggestions would be most interested hear either here the forum by e-mail. all chris this can justice darlin'. fact ghost part was twice as effective because of life held balance. i'm not saying move fabulous somewhere else--i'm give me more. selfish that. want e-mail we talk feel piece mind has been stuck ever since read it earlier today i'd love much feedback brainstorming want. 85376 re the saddened xylophone lunch ryan an actor a bad one in my opinion - but that is beyond scope of poem smile 85377 xylophone lunch edit ryan the saddened and my lobster sandwhich says don't look at me anymore. rubber geraniums wilt under kitchen lights. epilogue a beautiful woman lost in an unfilled cup. when patrick swayze lights ciggarette flick of thumb sends ember flying. 85378 re the saddened xylophone lunch ryan my ass it was nice. you hated it. admit - ha. asher possibly i only tend to like backscratches olives and urban violence 85379 re karbala revision jessica a.c. snyder my dear asher when do you find time to breath hehe. are such a tireless wonder today. anyway on the poem. estranged from me i long see through symmetry of gauze squares. very intriguing beginning. first line immediately makes think speaker is an iraq--probably shia now removed their roots either by physical location philosophical differences political forces or any combination three. word tricky it can seem bit overly lofty sounding but considering islamic holy site addressed appropriate. am stuck wondering about why wants bandaged eyes does this refer medical dressing customary headdress both neither merrily and completely intrigued keep going. make absence burrow. brood. ab sense. love this. i'm not even sure all that these lines import just personification what great way putting forth palpable nature speaker's estrangement without boringly outrightly stating it. one suggestion hate slash. breakup slash looks too much like typo be distracting. would suggest put break there force remaking into state alphabetic itself also distance its essential parts which further mirror deepen sense implied within lines. outside sacred precincts thought was precinct quite geographically inept humor with tiny geography culture lesson here implying so important somehow greater than other thus them felt earth beneath soften. speaks rapture in worship rarely achieved absolutely life altering experienced. look stony ground at bolt black clothe weaving highway. after elegant reference hard landing engine failure supposed be. disillusionment dismay suddenly stanza becoming more clear. unless wrong if please correct cloth noun properly spelled e end verb meaning outfit attire represents aspect mourning haunting have turned highway elicit poetic notion traveling roads sorrow ever weakening poem trite overt reference. hat s off ye. green tell me. understand purpose statement m confused as placement. seems kind tacked oh yeah made feel unloved lover quarrel. really going ruminating for while. follow. freeze. fallow. sandwiched between far superior follow fallow freeze unexciting. maybe another fabulously broken instead enhance pattern sacrosanct surrounded quails returning nets. tad lost nets image must admit. split open desiccated seed. image. granted scientist friendlier terms suspect average joe might how tantalizingly close desecrated don tcha dare touch say eng lish. commerce. skirt. ok dolt t get lish skirt matter. our sink feet again. repetition again effective. has writing formalist appropriate well done. specify your something that. before clear want modifying subtely entire speaker. bucolic. pockets. burn. ve never liked bucolic sounds condition modifier pastoral rustic etc. bitterness sour medicine taste leaves may read few times possibly comment up current pace you'll leave panting ghost 85380 re the fish beneath ice jude goodwin please replace i live in a land held up by invisible formulas. it is 'reason' to me that people might complain speaker took us out of poem. it's these damn 'formulas' about how we should write our poems and remember lives 85381 re xylophone lunch edit jessica a.c. snyder the saddened and my lobster sandwhich says don't look at me anymore. rubber geraniums wilt under kitchen lights. epilogue a beautiful woman lost in an unfilled cup. when patrick swayze lights ciggarette flick of thumb sends ember flying. there's some definite niftiness here but it is bit too surreal for to get very into this hour. i can give you initial reactions maybe after much needed sleep deprivation i'll make more sense something more. first impression line breaks are oddly placed. granted if understood messages better might see purpose that i'm befuddled moment so such case bugger input there. second really like those wilting geraniums. yet completely realistic same time. could swear i've seen things myself. sort introduces what's-reality-what's-surreality mind-bender rather enjoying. third liked italics. insert pout . introducing visually rich poem one which already difficult follow actually as opposed mentally visible font change backs up sensory surreality. also makes voice stongly voice--thus making both clear dig 85382 re feverish eves montagne the sun s neither lemon nor honey as it burns off fog within and without which is milk so viscously whole coats throat going down just an hour ago your body turned tossed burned up under covers if fever had a mind of its own or thinned out now to skim same pale blue ghost eyelids quiver like moths all aflutter with love for light they ve finally found perhaps isn t but merely dissolves swallowed by suddenness day onset startling unannounced eyes opened when moments were closed here in bed sky ogling me i blush shy tulips pushing cream into coffee stir gone snow not flour sugar salt sifts softly my hand alighting on forehead swan coming rest upon thawed pond. want these fingers need this mouth. forgive grabbing biting. more never enough glass always half- empty no matter how much you pour yourself out. desire amber ribbon unraveling slowly undone gravity dissembled tongue key that unlocks dangling from spoon melting steamy cup. wrong. dough swelled belly yawning beneath towel promise hot oven solid uncut loaf. 8 couple changes -- think would make fantastic 'coming coma' poem thanks 85383 re the saddened xylophone lunch eves montagne an actor a bad one in my opinion - but that is beyond scope of poem smile merci 85384 re karbala revision asher my dear when do you find time to breath hehe. are such a tireless wonder today. --ha. i think i'm just inspired by gc and his crits your insightful as well - otherwise in out. anyway on the poem. very intriguing beginning. first line immediately makes me speaker is an iraq--probably shia now removed from their roots either physical location philosophical differences political forces or any combination of three. word long tricky it can seem bit overly lofty sounding but considering islamic holy site addressed appropriate. am stuck wondering about why wants bandaged eyes does this refer medical dressing customary headdress both neither merrily completely intrigued keep going. --yes. headdress. love this. not even sure all that these lines import personification absence what great way putting forth palpable nature speaker's estrangement without boringly outrightly stating it. one suggestion hate slash. breakup slash looks too much like typo be distracting. would suggest put break there force remaking into state alphabetic itself also distance its essential parts which further mirror deepen sense implied within lines. --very happy picked up meaning i'll consider sure. thought was sacred precinct quite geographically inept humor with tiny geography culture lesson here implying so important somehow greater than other precincts thus outside them --there's mosque afganistan they actually call presinct means should probably make singular...perhaps two describing called for. speaks rapture worship rarely achieved absolutely life altering experienced. after elegant reference hard landing engine failure supposed be. disillusionment dismay suddenly stanza becoming more clear. unless wrong if please correct cloth noun properly spelled e end clothe verb outfit attire --yes good speller. thanks. represents aspect mourning haunting have turned highway elicit poetic notion traveling roads sorrow ever weakening poem trite overt reference. hat s off ye. --was trying connection between capitalism fundamentalism...but won't go there... understand purpose statement m confused placement. seems kind tacked oh yeah made feel unloved lover quarrel. really going ruminating for while. sandwiched far superior follow fallow freeze unexciting. maybe another fabulously broken instead enhance pattern --agreed freeze. stutifying has person think. ambivalence tad lost quails nets image must admit. --will clarify some small way...i didn't care doing either. returning significant think--or meant wanted soldiers american releasing them. again want obvious. beginning explicit. image. granted scientist friendlier terms desiccated suspect average joe might how tantalizingly close desecrated don tcha dare touch ok dolt t get eng lish skirt matter. --ok. well...if headscarf. then perhaps may extended reading her fear wearing western clothing. explicit way... repetition effective. writing formalist appropriate done. specify earth something that. before clear modifying subtely entire speaker. ve never liked bucolic sounds condition modifier pastoral rustic etc. bitterness sour medicine taste leaves reconsidering although particular triad...well. maybe. stumbled reconsideration piece. read few times possibly comment current pace you'll leave panting ghost ha. thank critique. glad engaging read... 85385 re man with guitar eves montagne the cells in this mahoganony once sung light and improvised seasons. now they are a skeleton through which another's existence sounds. one hand plucks three strings other holds them down. it is length in-between that mimicks scream his lungs beg to vent. note suggests movemnet chord noosed by melody neck stangled like soaked rag music runs blue all things drips into our ears. has some interesting stuff it. its problem i think-- fact of crit than sees as merely 'in it' think you could jazz up bit -- just seems really constipated wait. no not jazz. mean go stark. would fly while still making us cry pretty sure maybe yah spelling made me 'agony' gonna have do better hung on second thought bag stanza. boo hoo. dunno. dare surprise even desperation hmmm. how bout cello then at least legs parted two heads rostro po vich connecticut dang. got so much material work here. for obliged sorry makes sense 85386 re wrists --an agreement clarification jessica a.c. snyder i think should have been more clear because too like the specific word though don't could explained why nearly as well gc . don t want a change of that but environment introduces it wet to our knees we searched water dipped in wrists. they were gone. implies girls are either wading or kneeling on rather muddy bank lost search and oblivious mess wonderful completely realistic image. thus for them do followed with dainty when rest is sopping searching which me hands sifting through silty trying find by touch what cannot be found sight seems false. this sounds if no other part arms in. just rings false me. going dip only their already start playing my statement felt something was missing. an up there after preferably replaced verb whole hand indeed actual not farce one. blatantly listed yup would boring can buy wasn at all. does make any sense suppose you argue m being much literalist some such wrist phrasing really imply tapping against than immersion wrist. 85387 re karbala revision jessica a.c. snyder --ok. well...if you picked up the headscarf. then perhaps may have extended reading to her fear of wearing western clothing. but i'm not sure if i should make that explicit in some other way... doh bad me hate when others confuse poet with speaker and here i've kind gone done it. see didn't anything tipped off it's a woman speaking. headdress around eyes was huge clue how missed. thus skirts now perfect sense. still don't get break eng lish. are trying hint it is always intimidating speak foreign language especially an occupying force speech would be halting think needed so as anyone who's ever even thought learning automatically realize reluctance without visualization you're really sold on there though might suggest move engl ish where part implies denotation approximation implied by ending english 85388 thanks asher jessica danks for your help. i'm done with this one a while...he. not answering any more of questions - karbala estranged from me i long to see you through the symmetry gauze squares. make absence burrow. brood. ab sense. outside sacred mosque felt earth beneath soften. now look on stony ground at bolt black clothe weaving highway. my eyes are green tell me. follow. frock. fallow. sacrosanct is surrounded quails freed by soldiers return their nets. split open like desiccated seed. say english. commerce. skirt. our cloth sink feet into again. bucolic. pockets. burn. 85389 oh and... jessica a.c. snyder i know ya just said you're done for now but being a woman rarely finish first. ok time beddybye first lemme add in response to --there's mosque karbala afganistan which is sacred and they actually call it the presinct means should probably make singular...perhaps one or two lines describing are called for. think if you do precinct singular maybe capitalize more obviously formal title wouldn't be at all confusing--after understood distinguishin between surrounding area later on poem when kabbala sacrosanct surrounded even didn't state such understanding . explain would ruin poem. can put edjucayshunall stuff we westerner no-idea sorts as postscript something please come back this i've begged before don't give temptation elegance here with crude chairs of classroom. 85390 re my brother's keeper laurel gee you thought the movie was terrific i it duller than dull. impressed with fox's dead-on impersonation of ray but story itself or rather plodding methodical way in which told a complete yawn for me. only parts found at all interesting were flashbacks. think hit nail on head your comments. try as might--and this is 2nd attempt---all i'm doing relating scenes saw instead making them own. thanks so much feedback. appreciated bill. problematic tension here whether not can get away re-enacting scene s from 'ray'- perhaps unfortunately i've recently seen film and feel someone unattracted to poem simply because don't got any more greater transcendence did watching scene. if concentrated lot less describing work must admit what has already accomplished move beyond hasn't been given us film. best luck cheers bill brother 85391 re the fish beneath ice si mon thanks jude -- i think took that part appreciate your help. please replace live in a land held up by invisible formulas. it is 'reason' to me people might complain speaker us out of poem. it's these damn 'formulas' about how we should write our poems and remember lives 85392 re anniversaries si mon thanks asher -- i haven't been very successful with starts and endings recently must be in my middle phase quess. hey simon i'm agreement hannah on these first two lines...and i-you was pertubing for read are counter-productive to the poems flow. frame seems necessary ending structural aspects so would reconsider some other images opening. unlike ryan though didn't mind this should past tense like all sadness. but it s not about you or absence of birds rain. thought that they were simply aptly placed. purge strophe 2-3 excessive pronouns. posted an example a boy at bus stop cups his hands light want fancy dancing flugelhorns girl smells fire burnt wood. hang your coat brown-headed cowbird something else. hope is useful 85393 re my brother's keeper laurel yeppers you saw that bottle tree in ray. grin yaeh rattled breath is too easy. actually i think the whole thing not risky enough. gotta rethink this. right now as bill noted poem merely relating what movie. ain't nothing original about that. thanks for feedback. and nope vw. hey...that on qed wasn't here either---she was just mentioned passing. who oughta read vw bio that's been sitting her shelf more than a year collecting dust.... like lots of this...more half. it's it struck me easy -- maybe. i've seen two movies recently or somewhere else. something are familiar with curious. back to poem. am confessing misreading perhaps missing centrtal theme. first stanza has little confused. so rest uncertain. but can tell show lines really below. 85394 re xylophone lunch edit ryan there's some definite niftiness here thanks but it is a bit too surreal for me to get very into at this hour. i can give you initial reactions and maybe after much needed sleep deprivation i'll make more sense of something more. appreciated feel am seeing lot that isnt doing its part already. comments appreciatd - dont compelled first impression the line breaks are oddly placed. yes tend do like them odd however im still learning how so ppl notice they're overly distracted art breaking shit. will def look closely granted if understood messages better might see purpose i'm befuddled moment such case bugger my input there. smessages don't kill yourself nothing ground shaking unless subconsciously added second really those wilting geraniums. yet completely realistic same time. again third liked italics. italics there was just lazy write in ... 85395 re my brother's keeper laurel hey thanks for messin' with it. grin meanwhile i went back and forth then again on the definite articles. hear ya. in this case nope can't see steam since i'm ray charles. seen movie yet poem's based more interesting parts of which were flashbacks. was 2nd stab at subject. seem to achieve much beyond a mere retelling what saw so far. gotta get that go deeper methinks. muchly feedback sherry. hi is very intense beautifully horrible many here think you should focus. bathtub scene perfect. beating rugs too wonderful. smoke from chimney --i like articles sometimes guess tweaking them most important. you're trying do soul body but still it just seems incomplete awkward beginning. there's bunch imagery don't understand doesn't add maybe it's me...like wrings his clothes can only visualize know aren't really visualizing feeling oncoming attack pretty specific steam. smaller line lengths would help isolate some sporadic imagery. way jumps around all together long lengths... going mess tense too... as rises tea kettle. flames last breath s rattle flinch shriek piercing whistle. limbs flail wail swallows suds. feet bang against tub. thump chest pulse second larger heart. cricket wonderful idea. bugs our house are always offered reprieve. we capture release. weird when another person visiting they smash spider or right front eyes. gasp look us lol wouldn't explain words. telling telling...say poetically. whatever means. okay i'll stop. love s. 85396 re my brother's keeper laurel hey thanks so much for this edit ryan. i'll keep it in mind if i decide to revise. might scrap as did the previous attempt and try write a whole new poem. brother s like smoke from chimney soul body only visualize steam rises tea kettle. but hear crackle of flames around boiled limbs that flail wail swallowed by suds. when feet bang against tub feel chest spectere's thump thump. impact glass on is silent. mother root will not pull garden. she beats dust out rugs bad dogs choking hangs sheets ghosts yard. stir pot stove. once boils over runs door wring dirty clothes. know cricket crawls across floor trying be seen. or heard. surely resist an urge sing rub its legs together. clicks tiny footfalls. see path chosen. hands knees stalk cat then give bug luck don t tell her already knows all these old wives tale. cups insect shaped prayer never utters amen. 85397 re sonnet 73 david halitsky jessica - thanks very much for taking the time to stop by. lines 1-4 are a flashback infancy recent novelty of air makes this as clear anything can be made clear. again 85398 re the saddened xylophone lunch laurel ryan i'm going to crit this version as i find it stranger and a heck of lot more interesting than revision--besides think poem miss oboes. liking talking sandwich oboes those wilting plastic flowers. wanted waitress line follow an if then format tenses agree but maybe that's asking too much our came from copenhagen napkins would slink... liked uninhabited kimono too. only thing that really didn't work for me was patrick swayze my problem isn't so with him although gosh wish were just about anyone else grin in is rather ho-hum action ends upon. want ending be surreal lobster roll ya know i'd kill good right now. get gloucester asap enjoyed reading strangeness ryan. now....make stranger. says don't love sound anymore. rubber geraniums wilt under kitchen lights. are slinking paper leaves amongst gumbo. epilogue most beautiful woman feeling kimono. when lights cigarette flick thumb sends ember flying. 85399 re the saddened xylophone lunch ryan careful what you wish for - i can write really strange thanks reading lots of comments to think about here btwn all got 85400 re roll call jessica a.c. snyder beaten by rains the man-tall pyramid of snow retires to child-height in our bared yard first add dittos what asher gc have already said except for part about cutting strophe. i think is necesary visual contrast cardinal and more clearly attention cardinal's presence with reference season. it gives that happy a purpose. enjoyed almost serendipitous feel bright red bird appearing as white remainders winter retires. like word there every time read . one problem strophe seems be bit odd here if it's exposed yet implies at least some measure cover. you were trying imply considering retiring man melting but just doesn't bring clearly. scarlet from scalp wing-tip full poses upon treetop branch rather ruled this young elm an earlier year -- not another stranger other observer conciously make sure his regal importance are felt. reminds speaker past who --as he establishing royal lineage. few nits. does see bird's unless dead removed plummage. suggest replace bird-appropriate crown which would heighten royalty undertones or appropriate top living head--one actually visible remove. second asher's comments repetiveness liked suggested edits. syntax needs slightly solid methinks. 85401 re animal lens sherry gc i was hoping you'd stop in on this one thanks. rarely write forms so the fourteen lines total coincidence. guess need to keep a check that for more discerning eye. when do happen form i'm usually trying temper myself have base from which take off. wad of technospeak made me crack up. i'll rethink beginning but sure wanted leap about techno-to-animal. if not pulling it off and seems crits then must redo or save read at midnight. grin realize bounces back inside my eyeball is bit gritty just didn't how offensive was. little humor. sigh oh o oh....i remember many years ago professor professed everyone class should know use sat there embarrassed raise hand say every since i've been guessing. l short poem writer. now can stay track with thoughts think it's hard thanks again time. has only mine forever maybe find some baby clothes. s. hi nice make your acquaintance. indeed lot like here though jack tempted shuffle. moment going resist temptation. first all fourteener even there's no obvious rhyme scheme looking waiting sort shift between octet sextet. course major shift--as you've noted--comes final couplet. fine by merely want offer structure suggests other possibilities either revision not. chief struggle opening 4-line sentence. electromagnetic radiation decidedly non-lyrical technospeak--which you follow up looser conversational eyeball. matter taste own thinking really open you'll something specific sensually resonant--which 'bounces were reading journal confess would here. latter half interesting esp. pun finger-counting six feet. turn specificity apostrophic lovely selfish world i'd go rather than world-weary works very well me. outer colors much less because word cues refuses share reader. another visual blank--and blank calls attention itself. private myopic wash conceptually work better line preceded vivid. pretty happy zen quote close understand why end bubble blind gorgeous. couplet wholly convincing pulls risky i.e. sudden binary prestidigitation scale nearer face further cliff. spite interest poem's proximity sonnet wondering whether isn't touch longer moving into these . definitely eight could stand thought least round reworking. spare both its quality sensual intelligence counts. finally title what you're evoke basic physical mechanics sight. good title. we never get animal-ness lens--do might mind as revise. second-guessing poem--not really. unexamined unexplored. hope helpful 85402 re sonnet 73 jessica a.c. snyder ah yes of course then this is an infant recently born. the two hearts one heart sounded so much like adults lovers. now novelty completely perfect as it was new. duh. pardon my lethargic understanding. i dare say think you could possibly draw a subtle parallel between cutting umbilical cord--our first life support system--and pulling artificial support's plug--which would be really deepen sense sympathy-evoking dependency here and at same time make infancy tad more clear. 85403 re my brother's keeper sherry i'm terrible at references it's one of main flaws. i read poems for themselves. should have had a clue though since you usually preface with someone else's quote. hermit no haven't seen the movie. love ya s. hey thanks messin' it. grin meanwhile went back and forth then again on definite articles. hear ya. in this case nope can't see steam ray charles. movie yet poem's based more interesting parts which were flashbacks. was 2nd stab subject. seem to achieve much beyond mere retelling what saw so far. gotta get that go deeper methinks. muchly feedback sherry. laurel 85404 travel rick is what i want to do the ruins of pompeii rome on a sunny day paris by night denmark s delight irish country sides rolling hills clear blue water sandy beaches far away lands .. or just walk in park with you 85405 almost ... david halitsky jessica - l1-5 are a snap back to infancy but the rest of piece is about two lovers in old age as should be clear from l5 which transits reader past. thanks again for taking time on this. regards 85406 re roll call geoff re. call. generous responses. thanks jessica for your detailed review of this piece. i'd be a fool to turn them all down. you have several solid hits my mind while still accepting its structure what it is. best first add dittos asher gc already said except the part about cutting strophe. i think snow is necesary visual contrast cardinal and more clearly attention cardinal's presence with reference season. gives that happy purpose. enjoyed almost serendipitous feel bright red bird appearing as white remainders winter retires. like word there every time read . one problem strophe bared seems bit odd here if it's exposed yet implies at least some measure cover. were trying imply considering retiring man melting but just doesn't bring in clearly. poses conciously make sure his regal importance are felt. reminds speaker past who ruled young elm --as he establishing royal lineage. few nits. does not see bird's scalp unless dead removed plummage. suggest replace bird-appropriate crown which would heighten royalty undertones or other appropriate top living head--one actually visible observer from remove. second asher's comments repetiveness rather liked suggested edits. syntax needs slightly methinks. 85407 ibpc nomination thread p n michael mv http www.webdelsol.com bbs zineweb zineweb.cgi read 10711 85408 oncology new with old lines bowen there's a lump in my throat as children line up to climb school bus steps. it's the end of summer. from kitchen i can see them standing quiet not talking about garage where sit and leave motor running give neighbors week's worth gossip by being hauled out blue-faced but certain facts afterlife. here on earth nothing falls faster than life let loose. last night twelve firemen flamed high-rise free fall. stopped dirt. upstairs wife sleeps sleep hopeless. her body is knot that won't untangle. one summer father wanted drive keep going too. he drove through drive-in movie people looked lives actors shot tube light. his car ripped speaker wires dragged voices they contained for miles. tonight i'd there are no drive-ins left this town. they're boarded up. don't flash anymore. 85409 re travel ryan ---comparitive devices.... currently i think this is cute. am sure if was intended for a special someone that person would be very happy. one thing to consider what some of your words do besides tell the message they are meant tell. speaker wants - so he she distant from you . must ask then why staying with good alternative. implies distance something much diff closeness. maybe isnt best way go. assume here compare you's 'ness magnificant sights around world. more details about these like ruins pompeii. but doesnt sound may enjoy destruction or which gone. removed and present. well above probably looking into than poem might call it really stretch on my part point still stands... there needs reason events make them equal less speaker's someone. not just list need juicy ones want walk should expect at least interested in comparative device select case. thanks pompeii rome sunny day paris by night denmark s delight irish country sides rolling hills clear blue water sandy beaches far away lands .. park 85410 annie continued m happiness part one laughed at little dogs and held butterflies in spring next to her favorite picnic table. i wish believed god. she said because it seemed so simple. now the august flies were there diluting what all imagined apple pie. no is ever complete without it. yet something kept from telling alfred. he waved but cat fatter than a rabbit fed cage. how can people do that listening music was happiness. bo bop da doom dab o phillipics aside fat lady giving skinny guy hell singularity mattered. atom. who could have known hiding shoe box stashed old s closet kansas city they always where least expected. come fall thought turned inward names of things less well knee-jerks abated discount stores not quite as popular. townspeople meetings on cigar smoke. orphans missing st.agatha home although local baker never suspected. gloomy weather window shopping minimum. read balzac smoked dope cried feet still growing. found all. 85411 re on second thought -- a revision bowen si mon i have trouble often with line breaks so know how hard they can be sometimes. i'd go back and revisit these. but before that through think about clarifying some of the strophes here. seem awkward to follow espcially all looking up down such. was also confused by fire truck my mind came out nowhere. winter shades me also. i'm easily today. overall feels unfinished though fell in love last line. golden. best a. b. fish beneath ice at central park. not park ours. summer our grassy banks slick goose shit. chained swings pissy cement tunnels old broken we drove away are still driving. blade mapped slush froze toes. snowpants praying peeked for up. where gripped rusty railing because like way sounds now 38 years later. if you complain ve taken reader poem what. tell it shocked stupid faces. 85412 re almost ... jessica a.c. snyder unfortuantely david l5 makes nothing clear as i noted before--least of all a transition from infancy to adulthood. please try read that line if you hadn't written it and think about how obscurely phrased is uses the word dream twice thus focusing attention on speaker not dreaming when or why they aren't can't seems repeat itslef but in way just clearly logical. does do its job at least for me. we now transitioned into adulthood after my comment regarding novelty still stands. suppose are trying imply quickly time between fleww your temporal shift was made enough this be without extra input. living will only part adult thought perhaps were cause new view light instead lovely reference partnership initially . really like alot poem could use tad bit tweaking. too bad based comments i'm becoming convinced posted here accolades 85413 re almost ... david halitsky jessica - thanks for the kind words about piece. i'm not sure why you chose to ad hom at end though. we can amicably agree disagree on clarity of this piece without casting aspersions any each other's qualities. example fact that others poetry board two other boards and slate fray immediately got flashback flashforward in does lead me conclude your skills as a reader lover are necessarily lacking. best regards 85414 re sonnet 73 david halitsky asher - thanks for the detailed crit. with respect to last couplet i disagree so long as it is read emphasis on one of heart . best regards 85415 re my brother's keeper william 'fraid we're gonna have to disagree on this one laurel.. i thought it was pretty damn good-- although just about anything that's not grad school seems hyper-entertainging me these last waning days before summer break. best bill gee you the movie terrific duller than dull. impressed with fox's dead-on impersonation of ray but story itself or rather plodding methodical way in which told a complete yawn for me. only parts found at all interesting were flashbacks. think hit nail head your comments. try as might--and is 2nd attempt---all i'm doing relating scenes saw instead making them own. thanks so much feedback. appreciated bill. laurel 85416 re on second thought -- a revision annmarie eldon ehm - lines breaks i think of the fish beneath ice at central park. not park but o urs. in summer our grassy banks slick with goose shit. chained swings pissy cement tunnels old broken down fire truck we drove away are still driving. winter was shades blade mapped slush that froze toes. snowpants praying peeked for looking up. where gripped rusty railing because like way sounds now 38 years later. if you complain ve taken reader out poem so what . tell it to shocked by ur stupid faces. 85417 the ghosts of cambodia ctg christopher t george on a temple near tonle bati lake splashed with pink bougainvillea carving shows royal horse trampling to death king's unfaithful wife below saronged woman offers rice and plum wine dead. in village an old school became shrine stacked skulls from killing fields. flies crawl across bullet holes craniums eye sockets doorway sit fruit bowls cups water. farmer tells you where lay out fields they soft smelly. time water buffalo began eat them. if we had not begun collect them might have eaten all. nightly spirits dead disturb us startle their calls 'bring it's so hot crowded here ' morning offer still cry tease us. t. 85418 re feverish annmarie eldon i really like this. want to make only two small changes the sun s neither lemon nor honey as it burns off fog within and without which is milk so viscously whole coats throat going down just an hour ago your body turned tossed burned up under covers if fever had a mind of its own or thinned out now skim same pale blue ghost eyelids quiver moths all aflutter with love for light they ve finally found perhaps isn t but merely dissolves swallowed by suddenness day onset startling unannounced eyes opened when moments were closed here in bed sky ogling me blush shy tulips pushing cream into coffee stir gone snow not flour sugar salt sifts softly my hand alighting on forehead swan coming rest upon thawed pond. these fingers need this mouth. forgive grabbing biting. more never enough glass always half- empty no matter how much you pour yourself out. desire amber ribbon unraveling slowly undone gravity dissembled tongue key that unlocks dangling from spoon melting steamy cup. wrong. dough swelled belly yawning beneath towel promise hot oven solid uncut loaf. 85419 re annie continued asher brief question that's not pertinent to the poem do you belong generation x i can't really comment on it without seeing other parts but liked where was going. is a novel in poetry happiness part one laughed at little dogs and held butterflies spring next her favorite picnic table. wish believed god. she said because seemed so simple. now august flies were there diluting what all imagined apple pie. no ever complete it. yet something kept from telling alfred. he waved cat fatter than rabbit fed cage. how can people that listening music happiness. bo bop da doom dab o phillipics aside fat lady giving skinny guy hell singularity mattered. atom. who could have known hiding shoe box stashed old s closet kansas city they always least expected. come fall thought turned inward names of things less well knee-jerks abated discount stores quite as popular. townspeople meetings cigar smoke. orphans missing st.agatha home although local baker never suspected. gloomy weather window shopping minimum. read balzac smoked dope cried feet still growing. found all. 85420 play poem asher i have to write a for drama course so i'm just fooling around sharing etc. hope nobody minds. black land hoy here is the house grab oars. dust-mite crowds divan we are asthmatic there too much paint on walls color your world paint. has lost its moorings wall it vanished even as place. father sailor already. puts sailor's hat white virus may parasitize host son. when built these conceived abacus alphabet. this city rock and roll. neuron split--a split end growing dark again. go office repair desk read paper you ll forget aurora. pakistan collapsed memory yielded stunned angel. solid ground given an oak table veritable stronghold. keeps moored. platonic multilingual multi colored. cultural. perfect sphere harmony of parts made stucco doesn't t rise. no wigi boards not boat moor edge pakistan. if try will capsize. past dust cleaned by molly maid. minute maid in fridge uncle bens cabinet. s globe right at door mat always gerunds gerard street. indian town. pay taxes part parcel land. federal ex delivers step. dawn newspaper web. can about latest fashions bequeath rubicund song. cardinal. ontario. o canada whole all world's holy like lump throat. maze hallelujah...all worlds tongue tied twisted. don't mope pick up clean floor. or call stink fungal tub mice cabinets mullions cleaving kitchen table-- swearing reckless prozac proverbial utterances tacked god grant me so. country. lord's prayer be overt but re bound con found you. titular abbot cowl becoming what currently unsought still reminiscent. dijinns live off skulk metro dump hedges hoarse broken dreams. hedge bet. see night otter everything sounding walls. every that was cracked sunlight being mended people. did head become monastery crowded with gregorian chants--these more than one language duplicitous could never become. sought mushroom woods. drought birds stilk plough. history invade us. 85421 re travel slosh it failed because is a list all about your wants selfish why well the moment you bring me into picture i get walk in park believe me. this last date what want to do ruins of pompeii rome on sunny day paris by night denmark s delight irish country sides rolling hills clear blue water sandy beaches far away lands .. or just with 85422 re oncology new with old lines slosh there is nothing in this that draws me as a reader the opening line i wondered if had stumbled into porn poem should would have stopped reading. but it continued found myself skipping words to get end your job poet make slow and read everything twice- you failed put death there's lump my throat children up climb school bus steps. it's of summer. from kitchen can see them standing quiet not talking about garage where sit leave motor running give neighbors week's worth gossip by being hauled out blue-faced certain facts afterlife. here on earth falls faster than life let loose. last night twelve firemen flamed high-rise free fall. dirt. upstairs wife sleeps sleep hopeless. her body knot won't untangle. one summer father wanted drive keep going too. he drove through drive-in movie people looked lives actors shot tube light. his car ripped speaker wires dragged voices they contained for miles. tonight i'd are no drive-ins left town. they're boarded up. don't flash anymore. 85423 blinkenbhlah schwooozzahaaaa hannahcraig blinken blah shwoozzhaaa braaaahoooohaaaaa 85424 oncology bowen slosh you're right. a porno poem would've been more interesting. there is nothing in this that draws me as reader the opening line i wondered if had stumbled into porn should would have stopped reading. but it continued found myself skipping words to get end your job poet make slow and read everything twice- you failed put death 85425 re blinkenbhlah schwooozzahaaaa ryan blinken blah shwoozzhaaa braaaahoooohaaaaa ------ dear hnnh i like this it very much feels a lighter version of an annmarrie c . the enjabment is perfect while social commentary spot-on. in fact believe you just solved world hunger through your transcendental message. have once again proven that god exists and does not exist at same time. would submit to scientific american wait for nobel prize ok enough - really opened piece expecting another heavy-handed difficult time wrapping my simple mind around waiting sharks come teach me how read poetry -- but was light fun. kindest- thanks breather unless missed something massivly hidden. always possible 85426 re blinkenbhlah schwooozzahaaaa asher blinken blah shwoozzhaaa braaaahoooohaaaaa hannahji. i'm so glad that the christ mary emails are hammering themselves into your being. so...tell us about rapture is it like or braaahooohaaa. another word for irreverent do you think in beginning there was shwoozzhaa. can i follow to kingdom come ha. rapturous myself today drunk on vanilla coke and saffron rice. has effect. manufactured by angels swear. they always tell kindergarden comes from a flower. but flower is...hey should post something soon jump it. hey must be drinking wine that's only explanation behavior hannah. gods crazy bible. my biliophila becoming longer broader not disowning any one anymore disownment. such glory of god. saffron. lord this letter going made public all our imaginary conversations finally found out. beauty dishonesty. make me rabbit hole. need hide. accused being called poet sensitive. most callous person know god changing all. why he clouds blue today. drunk. 85427 re blinkenbhlah schwooozzahaaaa ryan a- i like some of your responses better than poems that is not meant to say don't do swear very much have told you this before in ref. p n should use those as prose the give . think voice really shines through these care-free saying they 85428 re blinkenbhlah schwooozzahaaaa m blinken blah shwoozzhaaa braaaahoooohaaaaa whatever. 85430 re blinkenbhlah schwooozzahaaaa ryan well i liked it if was hannah or that posted 85431 re blinkenbhlah schwooozzahaaaa bowen an impersonation does hannah ever write her last name 85432 re blinkenbhlah schwooozzahaaaa bob m-- whatever is all you have to say with such an serendipitous outpouring from our very own hannah craig oddly enough she's not drunk as far i can tell. it's easter and still getting emails mary christ the purple people. question her rational abilities apparant law vocation. but that's won't harp on dat. people are already harping in head. challenge write about most surreal experiences over past few months seemingly heightened by easter. kindly bobby ore he changed game forever 85433 re almost ... jessica a.c. snyder david-- i did not mean to imply a lack of personal qualities. at all. the only thing know you is this poem and your responses. hence that write moving lines about topic find quite sympathetic are pretty admirably staunch in defense work. have no reason attack so really hope ignore any notion says did. simply got feeling view as finished poem--thus posting for something other than critique. meant say if sure parts challenged vague should be clear or anything can made then perhaps aren t looking critique but what every poet needs now again some well-earned pats on shoulder. course others poetry board two boards slate fray immediately criticized clearly phrased somewhat confusing linguistically it would seem convinced done least didn't think were stunning rest . don get me wrong s when level effectiveness. why post here instead sending publishers show off necessarily bad encouraging workshoppin poets remember their peers capable thanks all helped finish. didn see saying was version whatever assumed couldn variety. 85434 on oracles and kings ryan it is a vault of cabbage soup eucalyptus that no longer grows with acrid significance then at night pratfall here the river among cockleshells we have hyenas in our cellar barking out contradictions although one will stop their walk down avenue tell me lorca's dead what if i become more adroit suppose parallel becomes great plunge into somewhere strange boring only really think about table linen now you feel like drinking tokay freshly crushed from vine you've got something to handle all this sneaking up through snow felt was because black white photography reluctance smiling deflected back your glass lens 85435 the heat of spring sherry birds are absurd they ve forgotten about singing. dart in sky a tangle cold screech and fiddle. how absent you have been. come show me deepened skin back across grasslands to me. i coats boots hats anything want wear. will dress hot layers until suddenly say had shirtsleeves comfortable snowy mountains. 85436 re the heat of spring jackm hi sherry. this poem seems to try get mileage out comparison between birds who have forgotten something and you who's addressed also something. i guess it gets but i'm in top my head blown off or at least pummeled with surprises. maybe asking for outside aspirations poem. when invitation begins come hither well think needs be more appealing. sorry. kind beating up. going stop. impulse invited speak end is a good one. not sure words you's mouth are right ones. ok wait. know what is. relationship speaker spoken isn't clear murkiness justified by actions speaking need make clear. oh like shift move from direct statement how absent you've been. it's hear that built. perhaps mothering caring on part speaker. s he tries dress other. that's all i've got. best jack absurd they ve tangle sky cold screech fiddle. show me deepened skin back across grasslands me. coats boots hats anything want wear. will hot layers until suddenly say had shirtsleeves comfortable snowy mountains. 85437 re on oracles and kings jackm ryan hi i think this is the first time i've critiqued one of your poems. probably should wait based my current thoughts but here goes anyway. there's some cool stuff going in as a reader get lost when description it that vault cabbage soup... becomes pratfall at river abandoned to shift into telling what we have then if question kind cause effect statement you ... you've really got something... ok found word parallel suggesting compare or rather speaker will do paralleling cellar full hyenas. also i'm starting feel for poem. like voice. don't things poem stands relationships between those are saved by voice time. according read more adroit be seen something strange boring. well it's boring why continue consider with him maybe ennui am look face existence decide live anyway decides about table linen hint might wedding that's just me comparing dresses. hungarian wine appears ah hell lost. title doesn't help much. mush head not reading closely enough these shifting modes need cement. suppose missing an allusion because mention lorca. didn't he write play so supposing level commentary without lorca right now end guessing photographer being addressed taking pictures although could other lens somebody's definitely observed . go back dive from tokay again. identifying up front me. making appear sooner all oh geography biology muddled isn't eucalyptus australian aren't hyenas african tokay's hungary. lorca's spain. reconciled headedly jack soup no longer grows acrid significance night among cockleshells our barking out contradictions stop their walk down avenue tell dead become great plunge somewhere only drinking freshly crushed vine handle sneaking through snow felt was black white photography reluctance smiling deflected glass 85438 re play pie poem pum jack m i like the three monologues but can you throw in some more discussion-like discussion. how many voices would bakhtin break this into hegel plato o maybe we should stick with playwrights. right now i'm thinking about beckett beth henley and august wilson. each of them do sail through house collapse pakistan advertisement for molly maid built city on rock roll made me chuckle. have to write a drama course so just fooling around sharing etc. hope nobody minds. black land hoy here is grab oars. dust-mite crowds divan are asthmatic there too much paint walls color your world paint. has lost its moorings wall it vanished even as place. father sailor already. puts sailor's hat white virus may parasitize host son. when these conceived abacus alphabet. roll. neuron split--a split end growing dark again. go office repair desk read paper ll forget aurora. collapsed memory yielded stunned angel. solid ground given an oak table veritable stronghold. keeps moored. platonic multilingual multi colored. cultural. perfect sphere harmony parts stucco doesn't t rise. no wigi boards not boat moor edge pakistan. if try will capsize. past dust cleaned by maid. minute fridge uncle bens cabinet. s globe at door mat always gerunds gerard street. indian town. pay taxes part parcel land. federal ex delivers step. dawn newspaper web. latest fashions bequeath rubicund song. cardinal. ontario. canada whole all world's holy lump throat. maze hallelujah...all worlds tongue tied twisted. don't mope pick up clean floor. or call stink fungal tub mice cabinets mullions cleaving kitchen table-- swearing reckless prozac proverbial utterances tacked god grant so. country. lord's prayer be overt bound con found you. titular abbot cowl becoming what currently unsought still reminiscent. dijinns live off skulk metro dump hedges hoarse broken dreams. hedge bet. see night otter everything sounding walls. every that was cracked sunlight being mended people. did head become monastery crowded gregorian chants--these than one language duplicitous could never become. sought mushroom woods. drought birds stilk plough. history invade us. 85439 re blinkenbhlah schwooozzahaaaa jm your instincts seem right to me ash. an impersonation does hannah ever write her last name 85440 re the heat of spring annmarie eldon essentially i get idea but poem itself is too 'clunky'. i'm going to have a go here at making it heaty risy missing on page birds are absurd they ve forgotten about singing. d art in sky tangle cold screech and fiddle. how absent you been. come . s me deepened skin c ome back across grasslands me. coats boots hats anything. anything want wear. will would dress hot layers until suddenly say had shirtsleeves comfortable snowy mountains shirtless need take look dart come. show skin. shirtless. 85441 re play pie poem pum asher ha. will do jack. i'm just fooling around for now. i was gonna introduce dialogue next...but maybe pepper it in between these two allegorical type characters would help break the monotony. danks..ag like three monologues but can you throw some more discussion-like discussion. how many voices bakhtin this into hegel plato o we should stick with playwrights. right now thinking about beckett beth henley and august wilson. each of them sail through house collapse pakistan advertisement molly maid built city on rock roll made me chuckle. 85442 grate annmarie eldon she wanted dead certainty not collarbone sympathy there were shoeboxes either side the fire as a child coal burned until ash and this red needed one that quells lead-heavy turns spirit which spreads before tides resides within edge differences shade light satin chiaroscuroes stale to bite how he spittle embroiders her neck cheek-whisps dread more used hiding bleed tethers would have allowed their prison flesh said dark has yet stolen night leatherette covered worn crack by squirming way against heat. beat. s learned love certain particular kinds meat rhythmically pull-letstretched etched fathasome crasped delirium thrashed its penultimate foreboding. they crash mattress moleculared seamless all sunk sweat so different roads no choices go but sat was still when told be translated bottomless spasmless now free bed altar needing where swears dare meander slut-hush shall descend brass fender always polished secret fabulously kept for when- ever accomplished except matchless silt housekeeping fathoming up endless those days females skivvies does clean dirt is loves 85443 re on oracles and kings annmarie eldon good work it needs a little tidy up because it's otherwise dense is vault of cabbage soup eucalyptus that no longer grows with acrid significance then at night pratfall here the river among cockleshells we have hyenas in our cellar barking out contradictions although one will stop their walk down avenue tell me lorca's dead what if i become more adroit suppose parallel becomes great plunge into somewhere strange boring only really think about table linen now you feel like drinking tokay freshly crushed from vine you've got something to handle all this sneaking through snow felt was black white photography reluctance smiling deflected back your glass lens 85444 no - it's already been changed at e-sphere david halitsky in response to crit. perhaps it would be good for all of us distingish different levels crit the last which comprises suggestions tweaking as opposed moderate or substantive revisions. best regards 85445 re this is not your life past tense laurel letting go of wombs. good advice asher. seriously there are a couple words that i abuse and womb one them. alas another. grin the thing might be tied to my childless existence. at 40 it looks like won't having children even though never really wanted them think biological cultural imperative does seep down through layers. will say with great deal relief i've felt ticking any clock. some women cut out for motherhood. baby i'm not. thanks ever so much crit. was warm-up poem whatever heck other called posted up board bit. draft. rough scratched after watching movie. waking on floor trying watch muchos gracias senor appreciated. laurel-- very nice line in here blue glass clinked breeze as woman pinned sheets summer. you'd forgotten road orange. west clop creak horse carriage. interesting images needed developed imho you grabbed wrist neck wine bottle bathetic lines smile--i know an ass - mother's shadow flapped wing. child can drown puddle when no one's looking. we drove home stunned silence into light bright sudden were temporarily blinded. distance crow cawed tree anything but crows personally finished gotta consider all wombs poems you're way too wink contained within breath held her son cry mama first stirring. by far worst emerged if from dark sharpening find ha. love asher air always restless here. 85446 re the heat of spring bowen sherry i'd make that incredible first line on a by itself. cut hats out completely find another word than comfortable and then leave this alone. me likes. lot. a.b. birds are absurd they ve forgotten about singing. dart in sky tangle cold screech fiddle. how absent you have been. come show deepened skin back across grasslands to me. i coats boots anything want wear. will dress hot layers until suddenly say had shirtsleeves snowy mountains. 85447 re this is not your life laurel you are a troll gc despite baroquisms---is that word if i just made it up. grin hear ya on the posting of revisions. drives some folks nuts. metz frowns mightily upon my insistence them. and realize alot readers skip right over do tend to revise quickly---too quickly might say--but that's process. like work at poem while it's fresh in mind. let slip even bit further gets away from me less likely am keep it. usually revision drafting redrafting before post poem. but yeah ya. know annoying. smile crow was predictable. maybe pointedly so. think didn't investigate beyond mere caw because images movie were so clean vivid stripped any romanticizing or sentimentailizing often blurs skews memories wanted maintain translate same simplicity onto page--or um computer. you're scene needs be language fresh. comments regarding verisimilitude interesting only one level trying achieve real feeling....and good writing should attempt too writer's intent ...but strive for verisimiltude when about depicts someone's part as ask question thinks hmmmmm....i make stranger dreamier surreal. kinda game telephone childhood. by time ray's childhood filtered through his memory film depiction then poem's translation what i've seen there huge leap no change she's hanging sheets all. pinning ghosts line. i'd kill that. clink those bottles brother dies....and clinking due breeze than spirits trapped within glass shaking escape. on. meanwhile loved dilating crow. wow. aspect failed address way second version posted up board ways is....have anyone reads this...maybe go into other thread bill since he saw movie---maybe someone can tell why ray stood watched little drown strange. partially may have thought joking. but....ray never moved called out mother. nothing. agree with asher whole womb issue. gotta word---and write an ode barren that'll get outta system once survivors.....i guess going idea emerges theater remembers again they're actually alive after having forgotten fact however briefly viewing stunning---i mean wow i'm still alive. forgotten. mostly...i loud clear being viewed scaffolding. yes exactly. skeleton which build live jotted down watching moview knew rough draft. track---merely retelling isn't enough flesh blood muscle breathe. take next somehow more mine. thanks always giving much about. give poems--and all poems crit board---is appreciated. draft narrative basic intact. would probably play infamous n 7 oulipo force mind its well-worn channels import craziness language. move back forth between random wordplay actual resonance desire until two merge offer stunning essential --gc 85448 annie continued m the drift a few years deviate slow leak when entrophy was most discussed and absurdity began reaching its level. dreamland s dreadful drip. feet were 22 inches inflamed dispossessed who claimed big cats screwed em. for balzac had taught possession dispossession tightening skin of time space. but what about her how does one integrate such monstrous extremities six pack beer tiny sausages can make happy at times. alfred died from his shaving accident interst rates climbing corny cartoons replaced classics popcorn favorite saturday night snack. feeble-minded neighbor practiced violin kept window shades open so could see him naked playing instrument. tattoo pluto covered right breast dick size small sausage. 85449 men wander off like this william stranded in the north near an icy lake i walked way to shore and watched buoys shake. it happens now then that are swept away places kept from them on any other day. this. slabs broken by docks saw bluish scabs seducing all rocks. a ship was there unanchored its tattered sail spare were of array. forget come back home ice some blue god calling away. do not blame me love for seeing what might have. 85450 re grate ryan my what a read here is initial reaction which i am sure will change this seems to be theme in few of your writes as have them the woman being weaker submissive product some pool historical negativity pls stop me if wrong but female character so hurt and wounded yet self unaware. you really paint facinating picture. one about housekeeper her employer master maybe too quick form judgement people poems. regardless - even better than last that said loved best. kindest- she wanted dead certainty not collarbone sympathy there were shoeboxes either side fire child coal burned until ash red needed quells lead-heavy turns spirit spreads before tides resides within edge differences shade light satin chiaroscuroes stale bite how he spittle embroiders neck cheek-whisps dread more used hiding bleed tethers would allowed their prison flesh dark has stolen night leatherette covered worn crack by squirming way against heat. beat. s learned love certain particular kinds meat rhythmically pull-letstretched etched fathasome crasped delirium thrashed its penultimate foreboding. they crash mattress moleculared seamless all sunk sweat different roads no choices go sat was still when told translated bottomless spasmless now free bed altar needing where swears dare meander slut-hush shall descend brass fender always polished secret fabulously kept for when- ever accomplished except matchless silt housekeeping fathoming up endless those days females skivvies does clean dirt loves 85451 re men wander off like this geoff re. for wjneumire. frankenstein comes home the initial premise is so troublesome even given that we should be generous in accepting it modifies success of rest. i appreciate rhymes and notion order surrounds piece. wish had a real beginning could seduce me in. best stranded north near an icy lake walked way to shore watched buoys shake. happens now then are swept away places kept from them on any other day. this. slabs broken by docks saw bluish scabs seducing all rocks. ship was there unanchored its tattered sail spare were array. forget come back ice some blue god calling away. do not blame love seeing what might have. 85452 re grate geoff re. for anne eldon. i think it makes sense to expect a portrait excite compassion or some other feeling in the reader's bosom. this excites only an insight into how many seconds minute two contains. could be that writer has no interest person portraited seems like. best she wanted dead certainty not collarbone sympathy there were shoeboxes either side fire as child coal burned until ash and red needed one quells lead-heavy turns spirit which spreads before tides resides within edge differences shade light satin chiaroscuroes stale bite he spittle embroiders her neck cheek-whisps dread more used hiding bleed tethers would have allowed their prison flesh said dark yet stolen night leatherette covered worn crack by squirming way against heat. beat. s learned love certain particular kinds meat rhythmically pull-letstretched etched fathasome crasped delirium thrashed its penultimate foreboding. they crash mattress moleculared seamless all sunk sweat so different roads choices go but sat was still when told translated bottomless spasmless now free bed altar needing where swears dare meander slut-hush shall descend brass fender always polished secret fabulously kept when- ever accomplished except matchless silt housekeeping fathoming up endless those days females skivvies does clean dirt is loves 85453 re the heat of spring geoff re. for sherry. i question why birds must sing speaker. most don't suppose. they're social... just experienced a workshop where whole point was piece about certain rare kind finch that sings. should have suggested it be sent to u.s. ornithologic journal if exists. this approaches love song with heavy ending needs lighter touch. feel elements are there something first rate but at present still in watch space stage. best absurd they ve forgotten singing. dart sky tangle cold screech and fiddle. how absent you been. come show me deepened skin back across grasslands me. coats boots hats anything want wear. will dress hot layers until suddenly say had shirtsleeves comfortable snowy mountains. 85454 re anniversaries laurel less nighthawk. or whippoorwill. great horned owl. it'd be swell as hell to come back bird. yep a night flyer. that'd my choice. maybe because i'm recovering smoker ha ha---been 3 months on this latest attempt quit without single puff---i like the boy at bus stop smoking. that frame works for me. i especially speaker wants drop puff. but that's just in me talking. hannah's right. line about sadness is so good. it resonates. read poem when you posted and line's been seed head ever since. only small quibbles. i'd kill fire have her smell of burnt---which would connote fire. shoe go instead directly all tongue. then living boot rid some those shoes. said quibbles are small. mostly loved cigs all. cups his hands light cigarette slight rain. want fancy dancing flugelhorns girl smells burnt wood. hang your coat spent plum never again wear am live sell shoes harvest field italian leather plow under over-ripe pumps. fashion grackles outside window. black tie-ups. open-toed one with crooked eyes. return more specific. brown-headed cowbird junco chickadee spazzing driveway dust. hummingbird see trumpet vine. should past tense sadness. s not absence birds wets rising 85455 perhaps so jessica a.c. snyder it would be good for all of us to distingish different levels crit the last which comprises suggestions tweaking as opposed moderate or substantive revisions. post a tag that says what level critique one is looking along with poem thus person issues won't waste time and effort on only seeking tweaking. but i think alot cough me greedily look any help they can get. maybe just put when you aren't involved input since otherwise assumed welcome whatever get consider even if don't use agree . 85456 re arranged marriage new draft laurel i'm with you wholly in this poem until that stern perceptor which nearly kicks me out of the poem. huh where blazes did come from feels like it plummets outta sky a block frozen waste passing airplane. honestly. is lush lush...then perceptor. do reconsider bump road when revise again eh i attempted to show how i'd love see formatted as prose does nothing for it...but don't know it. html challenged. my example yes would words singled but didn't mean lines be left justified. stepping down page if makes any sense and floating middle space snow somewhere above bolt city destroyed so on . because begins word white seems shift back forth between whiteness blackness swoop snowy owl could construed black action kinda wish ended not suggesting nor demanding so....merely wishing. smile everything you've posted lately favorite. i'll this. bygone wedding days. unfurls bridal cloth yields. here these streets venders smoked chicken clearings plough. she gazes into window at displays. people flock around her again. ski jacket some kids laugh poke prod deceive single conceive black. right before zamboni erases blade marks. after dog pees snow. covers over speckled yellow. solo. an empty guitar case layer alphabet being unable whiten. now apartment there one room unreserved mounting itself. imagines pigeon. sit ledge squawk shit umbrellas. consider collapsing moment conceived syllable falling faint alien word. attempts walls flutter drapes. sentence clean thoughts flies swarming eyes preceptor. perpetual aftermath something untouched. its wings swoops field mouse. mouse squirming finally releases need larger than 85457 re arranged marriage new draft asher thanks laurel-ji much obliged. i guess a stern preceptor wouldn't do eh hmmmm. not many people like the prose poem blocks. i'll have to reconsider.... for comments. just as em i'm with you wholly in this until that perceptor which nearly kicks me out of poem. huh where blazes did come from feels it plummets outta sky block frozen waste passing airplane. honestly. is lush lush...then perceptor. reconsider bump road when revise again attempted show how i'd love see formatted does nothing it...but don't know it. html challenged. my example yes would words singled but didn't mean lines be left justified. stepping down page if makes any sense and floating middle space snow somewhere above bolt city destroyed so on . because begins word white seems shift back forth between whiteness blackness swoop snowy owl could construed black action kinda wish ended suggesting nor demanding so....merely wishing. smile everything you've posted lately favorite. this. laurel bygone wedding days. unfurls bridal cloth yields. here these streets venders smoked chicken clearings plough. she gazes into window at displays. flock around her again. ski jacket some kids laugh poke prod deceive single conceive black. right before zamboni erases blade marks. after dog pees snow. covers over speckled yellow. solo. an empty guitar case layer alphabet being unable whiten. now apartment there one room unreserved mounting itself. imagines pigeon. sit ledge squawk shit umbrellas. consider collapsing moment conceived syllable falling faint alien word. attempts walls flutter drapes. sentence clean thoughts flies swarming eyes preceptor. perpetual aftermath something untouched. its wings swoops field mouse. mouse squirming finally releases need larger than 85458 not your laurel here even the dead are alive. watch her pin ghosts out to dry. mama. your. mine. no wind yet sheets writhe on line. and apron flaps against thigh a wing that fails fly. bereft of breeze i already told you. restless tree rattles its glass skeleton in sun s violent shine bottles glint like eyes unblinking. washtub opens mouth sky another bluer eye as when icarus melted plummeted one everyone saw what happened--suds bubbling over spit. so tell me why he dies we didn t just heed she chided dinnertime. thump-thump-thump his heels pulse louder than my heart. punishment knife cuts light. glares down from above blackens. green becomes scent mown grass. orange road pales dust. mama dark big this house stirs pot. teapot accusing hiss curtains anxious shift floorboards creak slow weighted progress mattress heaved sigh. trip does pick up. press silent cricket into palm. never says thank you or 85459 re fathers daughters laurel jables i think the actual poem is somewhere in between this draft and revision you posted. my take don't like shift to so i'd keep voice collective. addition of snapshot dad idea children returning river. i'm not too keen on ending as you've written it here draft. feels easy sentimental definitely investigate revise further. both gc jessica complained about those wormy lies but geez they really work for me. caught me off guard thought worked. can't a more apt metaphor than worms wriggling hooks luring. got 2 nay votes from very careful readers maybe pay attention them here's an edit what it's worth. biggest nit with regards formatting. need break lines differently consider different format. broke into couplets made few small changes diction-wise. see before sunup anyone could stop us we ran path river where opened plastic bags released our pets glow against silt. goldfish finned then sank ships set adrift. wet knees gleaned current dipped wrists. were gone. mother became heavy step behind bedroom door. shadows that hid bass coaxed nothing fear. dark came swam off. said believe combining well revision's ha--say 3 times fast smile . enjoyed poem. brought back slice vivid memory childhood standing bridge looking over edge water below cold fall day. remember seeing pond park recall telling people letting their go. had own horrified couldn't imagine oh....the image vivid. thanks helping lost memory. oh yeah....you better title tried thus far. 85461 re play poem geoff re. for asher i have to write a drama course so i'm just fooling around sharing etc. hope nobody minds. don't know why the introduction is necessary as either we're going fall it or lock up our womenfolk in cellar and go bed with hats on. vote hats. stylistic mode here one called close your eyes run off at mouth. no objection any way except that has been scientifically proven many more writers like when they than readers read find profoundly saddening. thought from life's dusty highway 85462 re on oracles and kings ryan thank you very much for your thoughtful response. of course the connections in my head between images ideas i wanted to express are seamless maybe not that extreme but is a result myself having already lodged head. well they loose some 'ness once it isnt freh anymore... always helps hear from someone else. part need this board how people read work. - determine am failing deliver those thoughts. didn t intend be about wedding. interesting. guess got wine cabbage soup what else do at one anyway photographer scene was probably meant speaker's past ambivalence he she suffered hand his her life. who really knows speaker wants convey. again thanks reading me 85463 re on oracles and kings ryan good work it needs a little tidy up because it's otherwise dense annmarie thanks for offering an edit my breaks. always lesson learned. yes i have been told bit lately that am poems are lately. calling out 85464 at sherman place geoff . wearing his immaculate smock and a ghost of smile goldstein accepts egg cream orders with trace accent. another accent then we exuded. he mixes pure seltzer syrup choice sure in heart hearts that concoctions besides being non-toxic are healthgiving. our childish moustaches swore wherever this madness led us was the only way to go years later greenwich village comparing poems some discuss when time is ripe nature quality perfect cream. neighbor gasps from second city state vividly recalls goldstein. satisfied customer signed up father's funeral home latter client on my paper route. smiling son admits yes bad tipper but read ads. leone 85465 re blinkenbhlah schwooozzahaaaa g.c. dear faux-hannah i admire the compactness of this brief lyric way it enacts its own breathless unity with involution visible world. poem opens a nod to winken blinken so we know we're in realm children's rhymes. blah cautionary patina lent by that allusion settles into sort adolescent malaise. think you're on right track here dramatizing development narrative insight from childhood wonder through disillusionment. follows then independence adulthood is embodied--i should say bodied forth--in shwoozzhaaa freewheeling broadway overtones. am not sure about shakespeare's winter's tale second line couplet however. and do you really frank mccourt's publisher going find final syllable humorous actionable more likely. beg reconsider. fondest gc braaaahoooohaaaaa 85466 re not your annmarie eldon slight nits here even the dead are alive. watch her pin ghosts out to dry. mama. your. mine. no wind yet sheets writhe on line. and apron flaps against thigh a wing that fails fly. bereft of breeze i already told you. restless tree rattles its glass skeleton in sun s violent shine bottles glint like eyes unblinking. washtub opens mouth sky another bluer eye as when icarus melted plummeted one everyone saw what happened-- suds bubbling over spit. so tell me why he dies we didn t just heed she chided dinnertime. thump-thump-thump his heels pulse louder than my heart. punishment knife cuts light. glares down from above blackens. green becomes scent mown grass. orange road pales dust. mama dark big this house stirs pot. teapot accusing hiss curtains anxious shift floorboards creak slow weighted progress mattress heaved sigh. trip does pick up. press silent cricket into palm. never says thank you or think found voice well is an also-ran. 85467 blinken.......bleh jenni from the block faux hannah pshaw i say. that's like fur. can't nuthin' touch real thing. now get out of my way little people. i've got chinchillas to kill jay low 85468 re lichen on an old fence post christopher t george howdy and i have to say ctg that i'm pretty much in agreement with ann marie jessica ryan--especially ryan--on this one. my question is what the poem offering photograph itself does not its current draft you of course but it's developed as both ryan note little else. like way transfers reader's attention from substrate wood there's no investiture real reason follow any further or for qua velvet burl mind. own thought would be explore photo further--though it indeed a magnificent photo--but concentrate why tell me casual up intentions are. think says has role here if s he exists at all interfere else interfere. makes host formalist exercises description mainly british side canon auden ted hughes. without heart. make look yes cheat because actual . more than care. lover back gc hi many thanks your comments which are useful. should clear was describing rather observation lichen... glad know admirer such. only found after wrote thinking might neat run poem. case do thank thoughtful advice. best chris 85469 a tgigf posit michael mv do mi no ef fect af ter effected 85470 re a tgigf posit christopher t george hi mv very cleverly done chris do mi no ef fect af ter effected 85471 re the heat of spring laurel gosh i'm smiling. i just got home from work and found a copy paul guest's book poems in my mailbox. have you read him his reminds me very much jim zola's or vice versa. so gonna smile right on through this crit. heck poem gives plenty to about. mind if fiddle bit here goes nothin' birds are absurd they ve forgotten about singing. dart sky tangle cold screech fiddle. how absent been. come show deepened skin back across grasslands me. coats boots hats anything may want wear. will dress hot layers until suddenly say i'd comfortatlbe shirtsleeves can be snowy mountains. what like any your for that matter is never anticipate where they'll end up. that's best compliment think give poet manages achieve constant state surprise--in language situation delivery unabashed gladness tone. made few small changes as see. know you'll scowl at semi-colon. but heard an stop there longer pause than comma deliver. messed with syntax final line. oh added first meanwhile love bird smiled when it earlier today again now reread it. okay was already smiling...so grinned. changed title too. none grin thinking slight switch would additional connotation nudge wink wink. it's always pleasure reading sherry. gotta go some more paul. 85472 re a tgigf posit ryan viola perfecto 85473 re grate ryan ashes to dust what a different read i just had think see it now mourning cremation - getting over loss. bad earlier even better 85474 re grate ryan maybe i still do but must have seemed like a complete airhead earlier heh this is really good 85475 re the heat of spring jenn hi sherry i'm enjoying this very much. love first line and wouldn't touch it. last two lines seem ponderous for piece as it stands now but not quite sure how to get around that except suggestion below. i don t have a problem with progression - like poem mimics idea one thinks when outside in sensory image can lead thought another so on. well 'visual' vastness sky grounding distance grasslands central-ness speaker such solid things boots hats -- all hole absence shimmering behind having some connections itself. seems needs me touchstone or bit more bring together. anyway suggestions you didn't do just went ahead did good read sherry. -jenn birds are absurd they ve forgotten about song. dart tangle cold screech fiddle. great stanza absent been. come show deepened skin. back across me. coats anything want wear. will dress hot layers until suddenly say had shirtsleeves comfort snowy mountains. singing. skin comfortable 85476 re the ghosts of cambodia ctg barbara silberg a few nits for this strong effort. flies crawl may be ott. besides you're talking here. s3 needs some work so you don't have that unnessicary repition water buffalo which detracts from your theme. i'm not sure tease us is what want to leave reader with. it's too flirty by half. hope been help. happy holidays. --barbara s. on temple near tonle bati lake splashed with pink bougainvillea carving shows royal horse trampling death king's unfaithful wife below saronged woman offers rice and plum wine dead. in village an old school became shrine stacked skulls killing fields. across bullet holes craniums eye sockets doorway sit fruit bowls cups water. farmer tells where lay out fields they soft smelly. time began eat them. if we had begun collect them might eaten all. nightly spirits dead disturb startle their calls 'bring hot crowded here ' morning offer still cry us. christopher t. george 85477 re karbala revision asher thanks everyone... estranged from me i long to see you through the symmetry of gauze squares. make absence burrow. brood. ab sense. outside sacred precincts felt earth beneath soften. now look on stony ground at bolt black clothe weaving a highway. my eyes are green tell me. follow. freeze. fallow. sacrosanct is surrounded quails returning their nets. split open like desiccated seed. say eng lish. commerce. skirt. our sink feet into again. bucolic. pockets. burn. 85480 re the ghosts of cambodia ctg jessica a.c. snyder i pretty much second all barbara's comments. would however add that was really impressed with your choice details here. you introduce things as if discovering them and thus felt a sense discovery exploration made me quite happy to read poem then re-embark upon journey. only issues had other than those barbara noted were unnatural-sounding syntactical order trampling death king's unfaithful wife in first strophe sit fruit bowls second. think understand why inverted syntax strophe--to heighten impact weight phrase allow saronged woman same line enjoy greater contrast. but drama is already so solid this heightening seems bit too much--as didn't trust reader find enough offering food dead without bigger pointer or lines ring reader's mind . phrased more naturally relaxed diction be added dramatic contrast images actions described. i'm not sure inverson bugs it isn't melodramatic removes possible lazy language after objects. following such stark though inversion like thump on bruise. also who here lichen risky suddenly forcefully insert into action. when do can often cause resist narration where they might have been living before. does make temple near tonle bati lake splashed pink bougainvillea carving shows royal horse below offers rice plum wine dead. village an old school became shrine stacked skulls from killing fields. flies crawl across bullet holes craniums eye sockets doorway cups water. farmer tells lay out fields soft smelly. time water buffalo began eat them. we begun collect eaten all. nightly spirits disturb us startle their calls 'bring it's hot crowded ' morning offer still cry tease us. christopher t. george 85484 re not your jackm here even the dead live are alive. watch her pin ghosts out to dry. mama. your. mine. no wind yet sheets writhe on line. and apron flaps against thigh a wing that fails fly . bereft of breeze i already told you. restless tree rattles its glass blue--instead skeleton in sun s violence shine bottles glint like open eyes unblinking washtub opens mouth sky another bluer eye as when icarus melted plummeted one ever yone saw what happened--suds bubbling frothing over spit. so tell me why he dies we didn t just heed she chided dinnertime. thump-thump-thump his heels pulse louder than my heart. punishment knife cuts light. glares down from above blackens. green becomes blackens scent mown grass. orange road pales dust. mama dark big this house stirs pot. teapot accusing hiss shiftless curtains anxious shift floorboards creak slow weighted progress mattress heaved sigh. trip does pick up. press silent cricket into palm. never says thank you or laurel holds together but miss blinding light present speaker emerged an earlier version. means delete add right must all flapping occur without can't be active too things what's cause icarus's death mama's grief yes how it work don't think necessarily need say poem maybe fact do with word i'm curious if there's more. yours jack 85485 re the heat of spring sherry hi sherry. jack. this poem seems to try get mileage out comparison between birds who have forgotten something and you who's addressed also something. offers a simple repetition weave hope that will come around or even speaker could all perspective change song love remembered. i guess it gets but i'm in top my head blown off at least pummeled with surprises. sometimes want poetry. doesn't be explosive. it's pretty gentle one. maybe asking for outside aspirations poem. when invitation begins hither well think needs more appealing. sorry. kind beating up. going stop. like has some feel-good depths if are able slow down it. impulse invited speak end is good not sure words you's mouth right ones. question what comfortable not. wanted include factual experience last lines--about shirtsleeves. colorado so wonderful its arid high altitude makes winter feel mild. know i've cut bit this...i decided didn't develop characters too much. poems can hokey personal much characterization. ok wait. is. relationship spoken isn't clear murkiness justified by actions speaking need make clear. oh shift move from direct statement how absent you've been. hear built. perhaps mothering caring on part speaker. s he tries dress other. yech l was hoping sensual submission. god hate explaining poems. that's got. best jack they ve tangle sky cold screech fiddle. hmmm....yes playing line. thanks your thoughts s. 85486 re the heat of spring sherry i believe we may have totally different ideas about what is clunky. s. essentially get idea but poem itself too 'clunky'. i'm going to a go here at making it heaty risy missing on page need take look annmarie 85487 re the heat of spring sherry thanks bowen i did have those absurd birds on a line by themselves at one time will rethink that. everyone has been playing with comfortable word also take look love s. i'd make that incredible first itself. cut hats out completely find another than and then leave this alone. me likes. lot. a.b. 85488 re men wander off like this jackm hi william. holds together but i felt that the short lines and rhyme didn't give me a feeling congruent with way of potentially wandering off. longer maybe some rhyming might have worked for me. don't know. geoff frankenstein popped into my mind. what that's worth. i'm tempted to juggle splice won't. best jack stranded in north near an icy lake walked shore watched buoys shake. it happens now then are swept away places kept from them on any other day. this. slabs broken by docks saw bluish scabs seducing all rocks. ship was there unanchored its tattered sail spare were array. forget come back home ice blue god calling away. do not blame love seeing have. 85490 re the heat of spring sherry re. for sherry. i question why birds must sing speaker. most don't suppose. they're social... howdy geoff certainly to me l and hey if your cardinals can pose my little chickadees be absurd. just experienced a workshop where whole point was piece about certain rare kind finch that sings. should have suggested it sent u.s. ornithologic journal exists. really enjoy lot. know there's lot technical theory how they make their vocalizations. structure throats is fantastic. bird harmony with itself. yes in this poem spoke like lovesick junkie pressing human perspective on everything. approaches love song heavy ending needs lighter touch. feel elements are there something first rate but at present still watch space stage. thanks reading commenting always what you say. best s. 85491 re the heat of spring sherry gosh i'm smiling. i just got home from work and found a copy paul guest's book poems in my mailbox. have you read him his reminds me very much jim zola's or vice versa. hi laurel checked out guest what young intense fellow. enjoyed stuff on internet. sure zola would prefer versa reference grin . so gonna smile right through this crit. heck poem gives plenty to about. mind if fiddle bit here goes nothin' like those birds...if must... birds are absurd they ve forgotten about singing. dart sky tangle cold screech fiddle. how absent been. come show deepened skin back across grasslands me. coats boots hats anything may want wear. will dress hot layers until suddenly say i'd comfortatlbe shirtsleeves can be snowy mountains. any your for that matter is never anticipate where they'll end up. that's best compliment think give poet manages achieve constant state surprise--in language situation delivery unabashed gladness tone. thanks. tone hear. made few small changes as see. know you'll scowl at semi-colon. but heard an stop there longer pause than comma deliver. how'd had l put period purpose slowing it down. messed with syntax final line. oh added first meanwhile love bird smiled when earlier today again now reread it. okay was already smiling...so grinned. changed title too. none thinking slight switch additional connotation nudge wink wink. not stuck title. it's always pleasure reading sherry. gotta go some more paul. certainly glad such good mood crit thanks read. 85492 re the heat of spring sherry hi jenn thanks for taking time to share your thoughts on this one. i understand what you're saying about connections. know leap a bit perhaps have edited too much. love s. i'm enjoying very first line and wouldn't touch it. last two lines seem ponderous piece as it stands now but not quite sure how get around that except suggestion below. don t problem with progression - like poem mimics idea one thinks when outside in sensory image can lead thought another so on. well 'visual' vastness sky grounding distance grasslands central-ness speaker such solid things boots hats -- all hole absence shimmering behind having some connections itself. seems needs me touchstone or more bring together. anyway suggestions you didn't do just went ahead did good read sherry. -jenn birds are absurd they ve forgotten song. dart tangle cold screech fiddle. great stanza absent been. come show deepened skin. back across me. coats anything want wear. will dress hot layers until suddenly say had shirtsleeves comfort snowy mountains. 85494 re the ghosts of cambodia ctg jackm hi christopher. while each stanza especially first three holds its own i think this poem might be strongest as stanzas two and only. or if i'm missing something big you're loathe to cut then i'd add more complicate it with make long. yours jack 85495 re open letter to the president jessica a.c. snyder there's some pretty readable stuff here. i like plainspoken tone here that almost sounds something casually said a person of passing aquaintance. and this level assumed familiarity is kind enjoyable in tv age even believable when considering who addressed to. course poem unfortunately dated thus risks only be amusing so long as pres it's i'm assuming correct me if wrong dubya still office. maybe put there speaks universal conditions no matter what side fence talking head office prefers sit on or how well talks you remind my dad. he used come home drunk. one night banged corner house with shovel until mom let him in. swung it baseball bat. all his god dammits bullshits compressed into wunk... flat digging blade smacked against timber. lipstick colored collar. did she lock out had lost keys was four. am supposed know don't rhetorical questions they remove from more effective realm personal dialogue. another time took cigarettes we darted around lawn laughing. felt powerful caught pack back without much force hope world. bragged about d chase. under arms rabbit fence. scratched match breathed lucky strike. within cloud snapped look said. really wanted them would have just knocked down. i'd love see leave down statement could refer power every leader nation faces. such allowed resonate readers minds raise great though-worthy effectiveness anything any past present future does will do. but continue next stanza which seems attack everything before somehow illegitimate rob potency renew need for lasting. 85496 after our conversation revision i jessica a.c. snyder and if you were to pause before the field where once til hands mouths berry-black we cousins picked season s final yield of wild blackberries leapfrogged back past rooting oaks lichen-covered logs tables bordered by grown-ups whom watched refill their steaming dialogues as often coffee cups rooms family escapades kept compiled in script paint would be stopped beside path took that day showing your child what providential bounty foliage hides or warning her when entering there risks returning civil side note deleted reposted this because realized version i'd copied pasted was not right one. i'm terribly sorry for any inconvenience. 85497 re open letter to the president annmarie eldon i read this as an your father disguised a president. you remind me of my dad. he used come home drunk. one night banged corner house with shovel until mom let him in. swung it like baseball bat. all his god dammits and bullshits compressed into wunk... flat digging blade smacked against timber. maybe lipstick colored collar. did she lock out or had lost keys was only four. how am supposed know another time took cigarettes we darted around lawn laughing. felt powerful even caught pack back without much force there hope in world. bragged about long d chase. under arms rabbit fence. scratched match breathed lucky strike. from within cloud snapped look said. if really wanted them would have just knocked down. analogy doesn t work some is not true but reader neither he. doubt that s enough help get away i'm still going try. 85498 re grate annmarie eldon thank you for your persistent readings keep going - i could give a clue... 85499 re grate annmarie eldon i think it makes sense to expect a portrait excite compassion or some other feeling in the reader's bosom. geoff this is not portrait. but if that's your read and you're fine with that then ok. can see why. 85500 re play poem asher geoff-- thanks for considering this piece. re. i don't know why the introduction is necessary as either we're going to fall it or lock up our womenfolk in cellar and go bed with hats on. vote hats. stylistic mode here one called close your eyes run off at mouth. have no objection any way except that has been scientifically proven many more writers like when they write than readers read find profoundly saddening. just a thought from life's dusty highway geoff 85501 re grate ryan thank you for your persistent readings keep going - i could give a clue... annmarie dont want one yet are always fun challenge me think wind up reading them 100 times. havent had chance to look at it again but saw lot more in the last time looked once some of main themes surface start getting subtle clues fall line anyway enjoyed this 85502 re grate ryan well bear with me...i will give this one more attempt here - then feel free to clue me in if you want. sorry but i am going take on a very morbid picture no offence it is off-base as can see how might be little taken back the words were interpretted really off-key when not intended nothing personal. ---- hi again have disagree my second pass that don't believe protagonist mourning an actual human loss of life. there may specific funeral piece however meant describe some feelings threaten protagonist. was half-right both readings. try work through reading here. think plays its part at end get that. --------------------------------------------- she wanted dead certainty collarbone sympathy ----- something troubling her without answers. seems pain and lot people offering consolence what wants. wants someone make things right savior any cost. subtle surface alludes death theme which diction points brass fender coffin dirt burried burning hell or cremation . also feels like inside speaker submissive because memories die has needs. shoeboxes either side fire child coal burned until ash red needed quells lead-heavy turns spirit ------- hide pictures old in. location shoebox beside fire. main focus created histrionic. wild needs attention so quell treat parent re-parent perhaps never had loving family. play being cremated isnt fully yet spreads before tides resides within edge differences shade light satin chiaroscuroes stale bite he spittle embroiders neck cheek-whisps dread used hiding lots shades lend themselves introduce sounds important puzzle. slobbers careless non-sensual mark lover lover. possibly inscest rape bleed tethers would allowed their prison flesh said dark stolen night parhaps couldnt escape blood thicker than water seeing incest father should -- verses cant steal worst type offender owned by anyone leatherette covered worn crack squirming way against heat. beat. s learned love certain particular kinds ------ about 'ness. tried fight covering fake material showing signs cracking. why assume getting ready let these go. lay them rest. cracking shows wear true self been wearing defensively fought squirmed for long time literally figuratively beat accept things. meat rhythmically pull-letstretched etched fathasome crasped delirium thrashed penultimate foreboding. they crash mattress moleculared seamless all sunk sweat different roads choices go sat still told translated bottomless spasmless reference events past. violent evil wrong could do remain motionless it. deeply troubling. now bed altar needing where swears dare meander slut-hush shall descend always polished secret fabulously kept when- ever accomplished except --------------- funeral. point doesnt man who once seemed absolute power over shown himself weak other human. satisfaction coffin. sense yet. waiting. matchless silt housekeeping fathoming up endless those days females skivvies does clean loves ----------------- trying domesticated. family doing cooking cleaning sexist comparrison dirt. -------------- ok laugh amat. poetry reader your pieces are beyond challenging. anyway crit board dont nit perfect far concerned. thanks sharing 85504 re at sherman place jessica a.c. snyder this is another one geoff that seems to me be a solid start. i can almost see guy's grin as he's serving these eggcreams. and like the idea there time for discussion of eggcreams--it gives clear if unstated sense discussing good ol' days old neighborhood--thus allowing hint sentimentality but reader carries into poem not forced upon reader. nice. would add think you come up w better word than ripe image though--there nothing in an eggcream unless something's spoiling so descriptor doesn't take advantage spot where could tie more solidly time--and thus past nostalgia etc. narration does get bit muffled toward end also due lot vague pronouns it becomes unclear who's who doing saying what. really want clearer last phrase it's describing wo fully enjoy it. about king too preferably some physical description that's just me. are few phrases here with your intolerance trite should have let in. might acceptable were clearly paraphrase character under examination please no more. wearing his immaculate smock ghost smile goldstein accepts egg cream orders trace accent. accent then we exuded. he mixes pure seltzer syrup choice sure heart hearts concoctions besides being non-toxic healthgiving. our childish moustaches swore wherever madness led us was only way go years later greenwich village comparing poems discuss when nature quality perfect cream. neighbor gasps from second city state vividly recalls goldstein. satisfied customer signed father's funeral home latter client on my paper route. smiling son admits yes bad tipper read ads. . leone 85505 solving bess teddson orestes killed his mother-- not father nor that awful third-grade teacher miss hall. all men must come to terms with fluvic masculinity-- whether their own or of the darling girl jerking sodas at docking's drug store lunch counter. women termination femininity by wearing loud scarfs thrown three times around necks draping behind twiny tassels unwind and remove tan wollen coats-- girls spread dispensed paper on lid pot. erinus. orestes's fault is erinus--but in saint gabriel but mountains where lies green eyes a actress denied blanche remake streetcar ... athena listed playbill as manly woman attending tonight's performance here berkshires below mount greylock understand why-- she insists total order dike clues catharsis. it's easy. take haunt pride fury-- choose enema. gorgons wore grey cloaks tried scare bearers gifts-- platter libido garnished holy persuasion plate goody tripe-- one served achilles-- wooden horse. kneel accept athenic salvation tube hangs straight from rubber hot water bottle filled suds soap-- hold your life long you can tighten muscle monstrous riddle sphnix who binds before letting free eruption destruction doomsday. 85506 re after our conversation revision i barbara silberg skillful. enjoyed. --barbara s. and if you were to pause before the field where once til hands mouths berry-black we cousins picked season s final yield of wild blackberries leapfrogged back past rooting oaks lichen-covered logs tables bordered by grown-ups whom watched refill their steaming dialogues as often coffee cups rooms family escapades kept compiled in script paint would be stopped beside path took that day showing your child what providential bounty foliage hides or warning her when entering there risks returning civil side note deleted reposted this because realized version i'd copied pasted was not right one. i'm terribly sorry for any inconvenience. 85508 re the ghosts of cambodia ctg christopher t george a few nits for this strong effort. flies crawl may be ott. besides you're talking here. s3 needs some work so you don't have that unnessicary repition water buffalo which detracts from your theme. i'm not sure tease us is what want to leave reader with. it's too flirty by half. hope been help. happy holidays. --barbara s. thanks barbara. holidays as well. chris 85509 re the ghosts of cambodia ctg christopher t george i pretty much second all barbara's comments. would however add that was really impressed with your choice details here. you introduce things as if discovering them and thus felt a sense discovery exploration made me quite happy to read poem then re-embark upon journey. only issues had other than those barbara noted were unnatural-sounding syntactical order trampling death king's unfaithful wife in first strophe sit fruit bowls second. think understand why inverted syntax strophe--to heighten impact weight phrase allow saronged woman same line enjoy greater contrast. but drama is already so solid this heightening seems bit too much--as didn't trust reader find enough offering food dead without bigger pointer or lines ring reader's mind . phrased more naturally relaxed diction be added dramatic contrast images actions described. i'm not sure inverson bugs it isn't melodramatic removes possible lazy language after objects. following such stark though inversion like thump on bruise. also who here lichen risky suddenly forcefully insert into action. when do can often cause resist narration where they might have been living before. does make hi jessica many thanks for thoughtful observer visitor place. don't has explained although right expect specific person. let about point. thank once again interest encouragement jessica. chris 85510 re the ghosts of cambodia ctg christopher t george hi christopher. while each stanza especially first three holds its own i think this poem might be strongest as stanzas two and only. or if i'm missing something big you're loathe to cut then i'd add more complicate it with make long. yours jack thank you i'll consider your suggestions. chris 85511 reservations carmela cohen for p.k. thomas one one-hundred two three doncha be hidin' hind the tree sweet pea. snap outa hit lake dislocated by wrath. blue schoo unda a spell of stags capture-the-clap. what lags wicha lichen machu picchu vikin district actu lly drumma conductin me heart heard she goes crazy beans cracks when kids ain t with er. one-hundred. one- hundred. four fell in luv wonda passin yonda dead man desert. col rado. lil igloo his hand dealt shelta held five live miles. mind carved curve smile windin road -- clich s as if to help him out o sharp lines starvation dehydration. that and pangs tween legs. knock on shoe hiya altitude. trag dy andy makin plans air too thin spare. quark jerked off. i wan ed zayin like frankenstein s. an electric company. design. fraught stage distractions. caught castanet rain breakin spain conflicted depictions. widespread convictions. siberia inta zippas fibrillation space fuelled tumors rumors. flew er impoverished point view junk-food cheap eggs pumped-up bell peppas. congealed seal approval. six. pack. pick up sticks friction diction follow suite seven season each ev ry friggin reason substitute was totaled fruit. eight late dune camel tune distillin driven collision been fixin meetcha at shamrocked hammock. oaks closest clouds. 85512 re reservations annmarie eldon carmela this is a very balanced well thought out piece. it malkes me want to keep coming back and reading reading. 85513 re reservations david ayers thanks easter bunny. this is very good. --d 85515 re grate ryan she's dead isn't she the tense is making me feel that wway - everything in past except line about being dirt this would explain now free as seems questionable a parenthesis ironic thanks for challenge if it was even supposed to be difficult 85516 re travel rick thank you for your comments. are correct this was a last date. sorry about only giving walk in the park but such simple pleasure could be great it failed because is list all wants selfish why well moment bring me into picture i get believe me. date 85517 re travel rick hi ryan thank you for your comments. yes i think got more out of it than my intent. sorry me was just a very simple piece compairing great places being as in place with someone special. thanks again ---comparitive devices.... currently this is cute. am sure if intended special that person would be happy. one thing to consider what some words do besides tell the message they are meant tell. speaker wants - so he she distant from . must ask then why staying good alternative. implies distance something much diff closeness. maybe isnt best way go. assume here compare you's 'ness magnificant sights around world. details about these like ruins pompeii. but doesnt sound may enjoy destruction or which gone. removed and present. well above probably looking into poem might call really stretch on part point still stands... there needs reason events make them equal less speaker's someone. not list need juicy ones want walk should expect at least interested comparative device select case. 85520 re grate annmarie eldon ryan this is what so amazing about the process that goes on here - as most good poetry boards. of interpretation which somewhat different to critique but it doesn't matter distinction s . sometimes people want and get interpretation. they less often critique. neither something else. however i love 'one' can write a poem with very clearly in mind have reader read an entirely sense. that's what's just happened here... like 'wrong' well not wrong it's having someone else walk around my psyche. maybe did really back honestly say didn't. does repeat mean you are naive there such 'good' sense...ie one who guesses correctly. your reading shows fine intelligence style piece even though into was at all had head when wrote it. raises some questions 'reading' poetry. would sort far more sophisticated. willingness interpret as-is fearlessness getting 'correct.' there's no manual for how be intelligent thank god. anycase indeed depth respect paid poem. sincerely 85521 re grate ryan well i am glad it was appreciated. thanks for sharing would love to hear your thoughts on this piece in part or full - up you if even want share them post email them. not at all. and arent interested wont loose sleep enjoyed playing with 85522 re at sherman place geoff re. place. hi jessica you have a number of sharp points i admit that. knocked myself out rewriting the piece from scratch making ending as clear possible -- always aware that someone and their brother will misunderstand conclusion. pity english is notoriously weak in connecting agent action perhaps should write letter to times best this another one seems me be solid start. can almost see guy's grin he's serving these eggcreams. like idea there time for discussion eggcreams--it gives if unstated sense discussing good ol' days old neighborhood--thus allowing hint sentimentality but reader carries into poem not forced upon reader. nice. would add think come up w better word than ripe image though--there nothing an eggcream unless something's spoiling so descriptor doesn't take advantage spot where could tie more solidly time--and thus past nostalgia etc. narration does get bit muffled toward end also due lot vague pronouns it becomes unclear who's who doing saying what. really want clearer last phrase it's describing wo fully enjoy it. about king too preferably some physical description that's just me. are few phrases here with your intolerance trite let in. might acceptable were clearly paraphrase character under examination please no more. 85524 re reservations geoff re. ... for p.k. thomas carmela cohen. this begins as a counting-out-rhyme inspired piece but fairly quickly loses its way. it goes on and then stops. best 85525 re solving geoff re. for bess teddson i found this interesting enough but half way through decided it was too special and rotating entirely around its own divine secrets lost interest. why these gods semi-divinities must take part in piece is a mystery too. hope suppose they were glad to enjoy the family reunion spite of all best 85526 re grate annmarie eldon i think this is a great process - probably one that can learn deal from in how to appreciate others' poems. i'm too often concerned with 'editing' the piece on page and should ask more what about although know then perhaps help push it where go bit more. however saying something 'readership' here intelligent reading of come out an entirely different interpretation meant by poet. so goes... poem autobiographical don't write poems 'about' someone else well sometimes parts people get mixed up but essentially are me. subject matter relationship between me lover it's sex. when was child we lived tiny '2 2 down' terraced house cold tap outside toilet coal fire no bathroom real 'slums' palce very 'tall' black-leaded adult shoulder height. always lit winter. would make newspaper quills use kindling wood man deliver horse cart... labour love start finish mornings there'd be frost inside windows bad winter all water supply froze. have emptied ash each morning relaid. at side beautiful little bread oven. my granny stews ancient brown stew pot take day cook heat fire. fireplace had brass fender front leatherette boxes attached either side. suppose could kept shoe cleaning kit for some reason. anyway brings back gorgeous memories tactile parents taught watch fairies embers. begins kind 'need' good sexual touching produces. wants starts touch along collarbone which isn't enough wanted. why metaphor wasn't worked at. just came. see as detail oven on. wanting brought detail. want sex detailed. also wrote after easter vigil maundy thursday there's tradition staying church stripped its sacraments altar repose sacrament because main stripped. altar. turns wait repose. there satin covering chalice led light shade run together or form edge nothing certain spirit everything gift tide edges even cracks seats shoeboxes around worn us kids squirming maybe age who knows choose wear tear through broken loved choice enter into natural cycle were told sit still making becomes opposite doing exactly whatever need do representative foreboding simply depends looks other meaning 'grate' pieces taking things apart may analysis dark not seems another road alaways job spiritual anything one's life world years women scurrying cooking polishing fetching shopping mopping 'skivvy' lovely old english word switch end. 'dirt' doesn't mean dirt cleaned. love-dirt self rather than 'prepared' 'cleaned up' that's deeper hope helps sense. 85527 re reservations annmarie eldon yep i would say this is ibpc-able am 85528 re grate ryan thanks for sharing all that i will have to re-read with in mind - but need take a break so dont interfere what you wrote. anyway -i havent really seen anyone try your poems out or coming back over the top and were thinking was bit floating nowhere my attempt as know if write about political things on tv yourself fictional accounts optimistic negative views etc... not one person always writes same way well didnt good starting point. part of fun too it learning process how approach poem some thoughts head maybe help me look at next one. lot 85529 re after our conversation revision i jessica a.c. snyder skillful. enjoyed. --barbara s. thanks --jacs 85530 not tonight jude goodwin what else can he do there is no long box coffin so builds one out of silence and darkness leaves me unrescued for days sometimes weeks. are windows - i watch the breezy willow flip pussy coins along its knuckles magnolia bloom moon balls. when returns close slats hush baby sit on my hands. his presence fills foyer like a countdown. hear unwashed breathing as bends to boots. doesn't speak. it's fault. in garden evening blows down silver throat our grosbeak chimes. 85531 re after our conversation revision i jude goodwin enjoyed this sonnet a lot. my only complaint is the overall order of things - found it difficult to follow actual question. so as often do with own poems removed appositive descriptions see below not because don't like them but just for minute can discover query and if you were pause before field passages here would be stopped beside path we took that day showing your child what providential bounty foliage hides or warning her when entering wild there s risks returning civil side sadly didn't help. strip bit more maybe supposed hmm might actually. some way make clearer work believe sonnets must take care swept away by meter rhyme forgetting write plainly. good luck 85532 re not your jude goodwin here even the dead are alive. watch her pin ghosts out to dry. mama. your. mine. no wind yet sheets writhe on line. and apron flaps against thigh a wing that fails fly. bereft of breeze i already told you. restless tree rattles would get rid this superfluous its glass skeleton in sun s violent keep it's lovely shine bottles glint like eyes love 'violent shine' - clear where come from unblinking. washtub opens mouth sky another bluer eye as when icarus melted plummeted one everyone saw what happened--suds bubbling over spit. so tell me why he dies we didn t just heed she chided dinnertime. sounds someone drowned. maybe baby left be minded by children now doomed take blame. sad. 'he dies' yes that. thump-thump-thump his heels pulse louder than my heart. punishment knife cuts light. glares down above blackens. green becomes scent ok is getting obscure. was held under water that's bit gruesome. perhaps game gone terribly wrong hospital table hospitals has definite scent. goes person died. mown grass. orange road pales dust. mama dark big house stirs pot. teapot accusing hiss curtains anxious shift floorboards creak slow weighted progress mattress heaved sigh. trip does pick up. press silent cricket into palm. never says thank you or beautifully written here. wish could make more sense it all. end seems child herself which guess agrees with opening statement alive write poetry too respectfully 85534 re not tonight jessica a.c. snyder initial reaction i love this. but perhaps that is because at one time lived it. so am the wholly impartial judge could hope for. will say a few of linebreaks seemed to me add bathetic feel images--the words enough they need no melodrama added. most prevalent and darkness --yes it clearly portrays how abandoned depressed speaker feels highlights less-than original word used convey this feeling thus making seem over top . also must your choice have those lovely ending chimes be our with as these two still stuff or my stuff. very subtle same wonderful expression much life together built up endangered. s little modifier. what else can he do there long box coffin builds out silence leaves unrescued for days sometimes weeks. are windows - watch breezy willow flip pussy coins along its knuckles magnolia bloom moon balls. when returns close slats hush baby sit on hands. his presence fills foyer like countdown. hear unwashed breathing bends boots. doesn't speak. it's fault. in garden evening blows down silver throat grosbeak chimes. 85535 re after our conversation revision i jessica a.c. snyder hi thanks for the read and i'm glad you enjoyed this. have tweaked this some to where question might be clearer but didn't post version yet as not done playing. on a side note also remove appositive passages ensure clarity when write. removing am always careful hack central understanding of or course loses it's point. instead summarize such quite starkly they're still there . so my summary would if were pause before field we did stopped beside path took that day relating discoveries your child perhaps is confusion because it clear huge mentioned earlier specifying specific part namely later think may source thus intentional implication here can find in large most certainly lost. i'll definitely agonize over bit more. again help. any suggestions possible edits ignore rhyme meter--i do editing then change tweak keep formal pattern appreciate them. 85536 re reservations carmela cohen this is a very balanced well thought out piece. it malkes me want to keep coming back and reading reading. annmarie yer too sweet i luv ya c 85537 re reservations carmela cohen thanks easter bunny. dontcha know it honey this is very good. happy hunting and buntings to you hun o c --d 85538 re reservations carmela cohen re. ... for p.k. thomas cohen. yeup. that's me hun this begins as a counting-out-rhyme inspired piece but fairly quickly loses its way. it goes on and then stops. oh yah baby much obliged jiffry c best geoff 85539 re not tonight barbara silberg hey jude good work but it could be a little tighter. some inline suggestions below. --barbara s. what else can he do there is no long box coffin so builds one out of silence and darkness leaves me unrescued for days sometimes weeks. are windows - i watch the breezy willow flip pussy coins along its knuckles magnolia bloom soccer moon s balls . when returns close slats hush baby sit on my hands. his presence fills foyer like countdown. hear unwashed breathing as bends to boots. doesn't speak. it's fault. i'd pull this line apart start next in garden evening blows down silver throat our grosbeak chimes. 85540 re reservations carmela cohen yep i would say this is ibpc-able am truth hun can't believe posted this. neva listen to billy. post when feverish. one good thing though came outa hit ain't channelling basil no more prob got me sandler in the head now. dang it all who put ram rama lama ding dong you did. . did --- c. prophet 85541 re grate smokey well - i never learned the proper use of cell phone myself -- don't let a perfectly good hambone go to waist should say but what really wanted mention was anvil and stirrup elsewhere- --the twickling sounds things not acessed in sighted print- one particular.. can't remember which.. vvn i'mpressed. hpy e'ster s she dead certainty collarbone sympathy 85542 re reservations jessica a.c. snyder entirely too fun. sometimes i love being reminded that their is truth in fun too. glad someone nominated this. think it'll entertain the judge much not to at least make a showing. d 85543 re reservations carmela cohen entirely too fun. sometimes i love being reminded that their is truth in fun too. glad someone nominated this. think it'll entertain the judge much not to at least make a showing. d believe me honey this ain't no doggety thanks for kin' remarks if be readin' them rightly happe easta ya do say so meself ps who sittin' judgeship now c 85544 re reservations jessica a.c. snyder ps who sittin' in judgeship now alex lemon according to the ibpc site. you can read about him here http www.webdelsol.com judges.html 85546 re at sherman place jessica a.c. snyder wearing his immaculate smock and a ghost of smile is bit cliched but i like the image it portrays what effect that has on rest. perhaps rephrase goldstein accepts egg cream orders really word choice instead takes. allows some sense fate he chooses customers. nice. with trace accent. another accent then we exuded. first should be than. second phrasing however seemed overly repetitive. i'd suggest you cut either or --preferably latter. fact are clearly referring to full phrase will still obvious would allow those traces slight differences even page wouldn't seem quite so awkward.i mixes pure seltzer syrup sure in heart hearts concoctions besides being non-toxic healthgiving. very trite. can almost forgive though as feels something might have said. seems completely unnecesary. if eliminate line stanza reads just strongly not stronger. our childish moustaches swore wherever this madness led us was only way go every time read my opinion strophe changes. can't make up mind whether love hate it. think swear for their wearers. does idea judging by i'm guessing these eggcream swearing thier approval allegiance stuff they made here narrator companions. years later greenwich village comparing poems discuss when ripe nature quality perfect cream. previous comments regarding portion hold. ...a neighbor gasps exclamation point turns into rather hokey methinks. consider other punctuation maybe semicolon long dash connect gasp next give vague pronoun clear owner--the . from city state vividly recalls goldstein. satisfied customer signed father's funeral home latter client paper route. smiling son admits yes bad tipper ads. pronouns become problem. last stated person--the gasping who remembers say speaking person preceding sentence--namely customer. well why specific enough about mention speaker's route use name who's parlor owner himself geoff leone 85547 re reservations carmela cohen alex lemon according to the ibpc site. you can read about him here http www.webdelsol.com judges.html mighty kind of jess post this info. lemon. coo i like dat name. plus he got them spectacles costello do that's too car-mela 85548 re for generally complimentary jessica a.c. snyder just found this and love it. wish i had something more indepth to add but naw. kudos. thanks the grin bleak monday morn he said loved me my html poems watched way his eyes wandered across white space became all straight laced about him 85549 fryers jables what we do and do. in the morning light stove boil its heat. re too old to feel any differently about each other than can of wind. it s november that makes us put many blankets on at night. above our breath tumbles toward windows nailed shut. screens are rusted. chicks barn crying for release. house thinking they ll become 85550 re not tonight dmjones hey jude bet you tire of hearing that as usual some excellent writing here - tho the subject sucks. your kind talent needs a or theme will test skills. put this behind and walk out into sunlight. regards dennis 85551 re fryers ryan for your consideration in the morning we light stove boil its heat too old to feel differently about wind. november makes us insulate our bodies under wool blankets during colder hours breath tumbles toward an opalescent window. beyond rusty screens chicks are barn crying house we're thinking what they ll become 85552 re fryers jables ryan thanks for the read and comments. i think your edit is interesting but a little too w.c.w. my tastes. however i'll keep in mind if want to go another way with this. j. consideration morning we light stove boil its heat old feel differently about wind. november makes us insulate our bodies under wool blankets during colder hours breath tumbles toward an opalescent window. beyond rusty screens chicks are barn crying house we're thinking what they ll become 85553 palm springs dmjones my poet's eye paints mt. san jacinto granite gray great muscled tendons spreading out and down knowing ridge chaos of rock white veined ravine the black fine line dot a tram cage crawling tentacle cable hauling hollow eyed from desert broil to pinetop cool. on valley concrete melanoma fingers every slit canyon spreads licking santa rosa's desolate baked brown treeless hill where wind blossoms dust sand flats rolls in wave grit blasts road godawlful relentless oppression sifted flour then dies - whimper breath sunshine. can mouth voice people place cliche street sidewalk cafe fast food taco bell tourist mcdonald's burgerking or sensuous low lights reservations only at top greasewood gated cul-de-sac megalomania mansions overview mediocrity sugar cookie stucco adobe. town barrio burns invisible. everyone has cell phone. blue haired heiress coughs alone dark. tomorrow gay pride parade tank tops silk. sun sings heat across sky. under slick banners estate salesmen tout golf fields green as celtic glens maze crazy path horizon summer shines forever. 85554 sonnets 8 and 126 david halitsky sonnet 8. your father is the tonic of a chord which third would be child that you maintain are unable to afford despite fact this note overdue. in absence how can there fifth required by all laws tablature god has given man without son his grandson no cause. since my other arguments have met with consideration on part i offer new one will let time tell if it do change heart. enforcing harmony accord descants into cacophony. music hear why hear'st thou sadly sweets war not joy delights joy. lovest receivest gladly or else pleasure thine annoy true concord well-tuned sounds unions married offend ear they but sweetly chide thee who confounds singleness parts shouldst bear. mark string sweet husband another strikes each mutual ordering resembling sire happy mother pleasing sing whose speechless song being many seeming sings 'thou single wilt prove none.' 1-17 beseech their addressee stop screwing around kid only central image drawn from particularly notio chord. when buy surgeon's knife then darling boy must die dorian. considering what experts now ten k so me glory purchased semblance shropshire lad superfluous here out verse. for better promotes itself bad restrained making worse. though we think ourselves above game always won outclassed opponent undying fame rests first move our last. chess he plays never cease matter craftsmen carve piece. original o lovely thy power dost hold time's fickle glass sickle hour hast waning grown therein show'st lovers withering as self grow'st nature sovereign mistress over wrack goest onwards still pluck back she keeps purpose her skill may disgrace wretched minutes kill. yet fear minion detain keep treasure audit delay'd answer'd quietus render thee. 85556 re reservations geoff re. reservations. for carmela cohen. i regret my opinion displeased you. if you would just tell me what rather hear be glad to oblige. best oh yah baby much obliged jiffry c 85558 re after our conversation revision i geoff re. coversation... for jessica a.c. snyder. everyone posts the wrong version from time to time. note. in first half there are one or two paranthetic expressions that fill entire field. this situation should be avoided interests of clarity. ask reader read standing on his head. know roughs up your neat rhymes but really never cross mind best and if you were pause before field where once til hands mouths berry-black we cousins picked season s final yield wild blackberries leapfrogged back past rooting oaks lichen-covered logs tables bordered by grown-ups whom watched refill their steaming dialogues as often coffee cups rooms family escapades kept compiled script paint would stopped beside path took day showing child what providential bounty foliage hides warning her when entering risks returning civil side note deleted reposted because realized i'd copied pasted was not right one. i'm terribly sorry any inconvenience. 85559 re at sherman place geoff re. place. for jessica a.c. snyder. thank you visiting again. and a pleasant tree lined street it was too.... make number of points but i beg to differ on the last stanza. g. is mainstay every stanza up there -- so why should desert him strangers don't. best ghost smile bit cliched like image portrays what effect that has rest. perhaps rephrase really word choice accepts instead takes. allows some sense fate he chooses his customers. nice. first then be than. second phrasing another trace accent however seemed overly repetitive. i'd suggest cut either or --preferably latter. fact are clearly referring full phrase will still obvious would allow those traces slight differences even page wouldn't seem quite awkward.i heart hearts very trite. can almost forgive though as feels something goldstein might have said. seems completely unnecesary. if eliminate line reads just strongly not stronger. time read this my opinion strophe changes. can't mind whether love hate it. think moustaches swear their wearers. does idea judging by childish i'm guessing these eggcream swearing thier approval allegiance stuff they made us here narrator companions. previous comments regarding portion hold. exclamation point turns into rather hokey methinks. consider other punctuation maybe semicolon long dash connect gasp with in next give vague pronoun clear owner--the neighbor . pronouns become problem. stated person--the gasping who remembers goldstein. when say latter speaking person preceding sentence--namely satisfied customer. well specific enough about mention speaker's paper route use name who's son funeral parlor owner himself customer 85562 containers bowen my desk is a cupboard for mother s things. only the coffee mugs and their brunette rings belong to me. deep in newspaper story of boy missing two days. he old yellow picture now but back then they said was fair. afraid his threats loop tooth knob slam door. hid until men found him folded into himself teeth chattering dark. at home she hugged neck crook her arm tugged loose front everyone there. with others pile white pickling jar like milk that gone sour. 85564 re after our conversation revision i jessica a.c. snyder again thanks for the read geoff. best jess 85565 re palm springs annmarie eldon i dislike the mention of poets in poems and this think can do without my poet's eye paints mt. san jacinto granite gray great muscled tendons spreading out down knowing ridge chaos rock white veined ravine black fine line dot a tram cage crawling tentacle cable hauling hollow eyed from desert broil to pinetop cool. on valley concrete melanoma fingers every slit canyon spreads licking santa rosa's desolate baked brown treeless hill where wind blossoms dust sand flats rolls wave grit blasts road godawlful relentless oppression sifted flour then dies - whimper breath sunshine. mouth voice p eople place cliche street sidewalk cafe fast food taco bell tourist mcdonald's burgerking or sensuous low lights reservations only at top greasewood gated cul-de-sac megalomania mansions overview mediocrity sugar cookie stucco adobe. town barrio burns invisible. everyone has cell phone. blue haired heiress coughs alone dark. tomorrow gay pride parade tank tops silk. sun sings heat across sky. under slick banners estate salesmen tout golf fields green as celtic glens maze crazy path horizon summer shines forever. you might want ask human being cope such this... 85566 re containers smokey like the title a lot don't think you need last sentence there is creamer in rings my desk cupboard for mother s things. only coffee mugs and their brunette belong to me. deep newspaper story of boy missing two days. he old yellow picture now but back then they said was fair. afraid his threats loop tooth knob slam door. hid until men found him folded into himself teeth chattering dark. at home she hugged neck crook her arm tugged loose front everyone there. with others pile white pickling jar milk that gone sour. 85567 annie continued m preparation god s carrion stunk to high heaven she told them from jump street -- no one listens they have find their way through death deserts and early morning silence. the razor forged cuts skin or bullshit but cut it had to. been slicing for a while lies mystic muddle mimicry pseudo-sybaritic if we may. what was left immutable recollection cornerstone all that wasn t made is is. subsist dear heart protector of tradition truth so small yet big could deny it. look object sat beside her pointed said this then ate bologna sandwich placed huge feet up rest them. 85568 re m who hi i'm david halitsky and sorry for causing so much trouble on the board. just looking attention a sad person. david. bye. never coming back. sorry. 85569 re fryers m nope you wrapped too soon. took a short cut. listen. go long throw the ball and long. what we do do. in morning light stove boil its heat. old to feel any differently about each other than can of wind. it s november that makes us put many blankets on at night. above our breath tumbles toward windows nailed shut. screens are rusted. chicks barn crying for release. house thinking they ll become 85570 re not tonight m one thing doll do away with unwashed breathing -- it cuts your knees off. what else can he there is no long box coffin so builds out of silence and darkness leaves me unrescued for days sometimes weeks. are windows - i watch the breezy willow flip pussy coins along its knuckles magnolia bloom moon balls. when returns close slats hush baby sit on my hands. his presence fills foyer like a countdown. hear as bends to boots. doesn't speak. it's fault. in garden evening blows down silver throat our grosbeak chimes. 85571 re not tonight jude goodwin thank you for your all thoughts jessica yes i hadn't noticed the emphasis created by line breaks around 'and darkness' - definitely something will consider. i'm also glad to know 'our' in final lines came through as it should yours 85572 re open letter to the president william it's an interesting narrative that is not successful largely because of a few redundant lines and ending just hasn't found itself or if it has needs be reworked. swung like baseball bat gratuitous digging gratuitous- shovel . best bill you remind me my dad. he used come home drunk. one night banged corner house with until mom let him in. bat. all his god dammits bullshits compressed into wunk... flat blade smacked against timber. maybe lipstick colored collar. did she lock out had lost keys i was only four. how am supposed know another time took cigarettes we darted around lawn laughing. felt powerful even as caught pack back without much force there hope in world. bragged about long d chase. under arms rabbit fence. scratched match breathed lucky strike. from within cloud snapped look said. really wanted them would have knocked down. this analogy doesn t work some true but reader neither he. doubt s enough help get away i'm still going try. 85573 re not tonight jude goodwin hey good work but it could be a little tighter. some inline suggestions below. --barbara s. thanks barbara for stopping by lots of as always - i like your cuts although magnolia buds don't look at all soccer balls yours 85574 re not tonight jude goodwin hi dennis - thanks for commenting although i'm sure what you mean. kind of subject would suggest as usual some excellent writing here tho the sucks. your talent needs a or theme that will test skills. put this behind and walk out into sunlight. regards 85575 re not tonight jude goodwin one thing doll do away with unwashed breathing -- it cuts your knees off. hello m i have no idea what you mean. can please explain thanks 85576 re reservations carmela cohen re. reservations. for cohen. i regret my opinion displeased you. if you would just tell me what rather hear be glad to oblige. best geoff dear jiffry is supa sweet didn't know no betta i'd say imma fixin eat ya up wheya on earth did git the ideya that yah baby a sign of displeasure sweets au contrare mone frere oblige hun heya scholl votre sante sangray dr. soles 85577 a play in which william you will be white tree. we gather extras to the leaves and they lie on stage slightly crinkled say shhh each other touch others edges look how can teach that back at your branches. above night. someone large must part silent lonesome. i map. folded into myself people not knowing open me see where go. 85578 re carmela cohen hi i'm david halitsky and sorry for causing so much trouble on the board. just looking attention a sad person. david. bye. never coming back. sorry. you aint' caused no hunny is sweet as musterin' up custard with colonel mustard in it i luv ya cause tad crazier than me don't be sads sweets life soooooooooo long broodin broadin dontcha comin back here now that mean streakin fava bean of yers c 85579 re a play in which carmela cohen you will be white tree. we gather extras to the leaves and they lie on stage slightly crinkled say shhh each other touch others edges look how can teach that back at your branches. above night. someone large must part silent lonesome. i map. folded into myself people not knowing open me see where go. this is simply loooooooooverly willy had one snipette -- abuv hun thank ya muchly c 85580 not to worry david halitsky they'll delete this when they get around it ... must be busy elsewhere today. regards 85581 stupid me didn't even see david halitsky ... they swapped out the post. man must have really frayed some nerves huh regards again 85582 re a play in which m william i like this. truly. 85584 re not to worry m do i know you they'll delete this when they get around it ... must be busy elsewhere today. regards david halitsky 85585 re not tonight m what i mean is that you have ruined the pudding with lemon. constitutes a perfect poem perfection. when breathe freely. now if this doesn't make sense it because chosen different direction. hello no idea mean. can please explain thanks jude 85586 re reservations lauren hi carmela i love this poem...very assured voice. don't have any suggestions just wanted to let you know it was great read. for p.k. thomas one one-hundred two three doncha be hidin' hind the tree sweet pea. snap outa hit lake dislocated by wrath. blue schoo unda a spell of stags capture-the-clap. what lags wicha lichen machu picchu vikin district actu lly drumma conductin me heart heard she goes crazy beans cracks when kids ain t with er. one-hundred. one- hundred. four fell in luv wonda passin yonda dead man desert. col rado. lil igloo his hand dealt shelta held five live miles. mind carved curve smile windin road -- clich s as if help him out o sharp lines starvation dehydration. that and pangs tween legs. knock on shoe hiya altitude. trag dy andy makin plans air too thin spare. quark jerked off. wan ed zayin like frankenstein s. an electric company. design. fraught stage distractions. caught castanet rain breakin spain conflicted depictions. widespread convictions. siberia inta zippas fibrillation space fuelled tumors rumors. flew er impoverished point view junk-food cheap eggs pumped-up bell peppas. congealed seal approval. six. pack. pick up sticks friction diction follow suite seven season each ev ry friggin reason substitute totaled fruit. eight late dune camel tune distillin driven collision been fixin meetcha at shamrocked hammock. oaks closest clouds. 85587 re the heat of spring lauren hi sherry this is a very pleasurable poem to read. i know sounds little weird but can't think better way put it anyway my overriding issue with was extraneous language. am all about brevity these days and thought there were several unnecessary words that could be omitted. end result more direct passionate poem. here are some ideas birds absurd they ve forgotten singing. dart in sky tangle cold screech fiddle. get rid -- obvious me . how absent you have been. come show deepened skin back across grasslands me. don't necessary. coats boots hats anything want wear. will dress hot layers until suddenly say had shirtsleeves comfortable snowy mountains. omit like other readers having problem comfortable. i'm trying an adequate synonym...i might on that. good luck your revision 85589 containers revised bowen my desk is a cupboard for mother s things i keep in the bottom drawer newspaper story of boy gone missing two days. he old and yellow picture now but back then they said was fair. as went afraid his threats to loop tooth knob slam door closed. hid until men found him folded into himself teeth chattering dark hole d dug. at home she hugged neck crook her arm tugged loose front everyone. that with others-- pile white pickling jar. 85590 re stupid me didn't even see carmela cohen ... they swapped out the post. man must have really frayed some nerves huh regards again david halitsky you lost honay 'swapped' post where ya from honey picadilly and who is 'they' ye too darn quick for hatitsky just cant keep up with c 85591 re a play in which carmela cohen william i like this. truly. m doncha be posting under me honey gimme some o that stuff tanks car 85592 re not tonight jude goodwin what constitutes a perfect poem is perfection. when you breathe freely. the line in question i hear his unwashed breathing because it 'free' this disturbs or perhaps 'unwashed' implies imperfection problem 85593 re reservations carmela cohen hi i love this poem... mighty kind of ya leadin lady to say such very assured voice. that's 100 due billy and his coachin o me genuine leatha don't have any suggestions just wanted let you know it was great read. thank sweets too c -- with a banjo on her knee 'er way allah-fukin-bama oh. think might generalized someone else sorray totally innocuous mind lauren 85594 re the heat of spring sherry hi lauren thanks for coming way down here and commenting on this poem. pleasurable is good. in fact a guest once wrote thank you note to me used word pleasance it i have loved as every since. some great ideas taking out there. brevity goal mine if makes things zing not just stunted sounding. final quote such specific idea about being comfortable only shirtsleeves that am having difficult time finding different word. so i'll break line differently now. can't take yet. oodles s. birds are absurd they ve forgotten singing. dart tangle cold screech fiddle. how absent been. come show deepened skin back across grasslands me. coats boots hats anything want. will dress hot layers until suddenly say had snowy mountains. very poem read. know sounds little weird but think better put anyway my overriding issue with was extraneous language. all these days thought there were several unnecessary words could be omitted. end result more direct passionate get rid sky -- obvious . don't necessary. omit wear. like other readers problem comfortable. i'm trying an adequate synonym...i might that. good luck your revision 85595 re a play in which sherry hi william this poem is tender. i'd change the part about teaching...maybe something like look back at your branches above you will be night. i realize just took out of descriptive cue but every movement meaningful. map image comes unexpectedly and wonder how it relates to white tree. little incongruous for me that's okay. definitely take last line perhaps one too. enjoyed s. we gather extras leaves they lie on stage slightly crinkled say shhh each other touch others edges can teach that branches. someone large must silent lonesome. map. folded into myself people not knowing open see where go. 85597 re a play in which jessica a.c. snyder i love how the excited childlike pace here and almost innocent descriptives hide larger things. while am enamored of each individual part agree with sherry that map doesn't seem to tie into rest--maybe give us road beside tree unlike previous posters really loved last line--it turns speaker mystic just as much an imaginative person also clearly reestablishes who is director this play. one icky nit above you will be night. at first read if would it isn't terribly confusing especially considering goes on describe what sort must but until assured myself no was not secondary roll for adressee seemed descriptor you. 85598 on second thought jessica a.c. snyder yeah that last line is extraneous and limits the speaker's function. people don't only look at a map for where to go but how get there. yup methinks yummy folded up being opened much more conducive reader understanding delighted interpretation than blatant limited statement. 85601 re containers revised jessica a.c. snyder my desk is a cupboard for mother s things i keep in the bottom drawer newspaper story of boy gone missing two days. he old and yellow picture now but back then they said was fair. as went afraid his threats to loop tooth knob slam door closed. hid until men found him folded into himself teeth chattering dark hole d dug. at home she hugged neck crook her arm tugged loose front everyone. that with others-- pile white pickling jar. i've been going forth these must say outside actually prefer first version. there seemed less prosody more meaty poetry there. i'm too tired think grasp tangible explanation force it writing why. perhaps tommorrow if you care may be able elaborate. 85602 re a play in which annmarie eldon lovely. perhaps it needs breaking up little only suggestions you will be white tree. we gather extras to the leaves and they lie on stage slightly crinkled say shhh each other touch others edges look how can teach that back at your branches. above night. someone large must part silent lonesome. i map. folded into myself people not knowing open me see where go. 85603 re containers revised annmarie eldon my desk is a cupboard for mother s things i keep in the bottom drawer newspaper story of boy gone missing two days. picture he's old and yellow but back then they said he was fair. as went afraid his threats to loop tooth knob slam door closed. hid until men found him folded into himself teeth chattering dark hole d dug. at home she hugged neck crook her arm tugged loose front everyone. that with others-- pile white pickling jar. 85604 someone replaced the content of my original post winston smith i can tell because i-net pointer is still same so had to go into message delete two poems posted and replace them with that nonsense never typed. be on editorial or technical staff here who has authority edit all posts. david halitsky 85605 re a play in which m do you want to be on top doncha posting under me honey gimme some o that stuff tanks car 85606 re not tonight m i may be mistaken. what constitutes a perfect poem the line in question is hear his unwashed breathing because it 'free' this disturbs or perhaps 'unwashed' implies imperfection problem 85607 re someone replaced the content of my original po ryan well i liked sonnet 8 - only line with required in first strophe tripped me up other than that it was pretty tight 85610 david says thnx ryan here's a revision of 8 winston smith ... which thinks is much-improved sonnet 8.1 your father the tonic chord third would be child whom you insist to him pleasures can't afford despite fact this note overdue. and in absence how can there fifth required by all laws geniture as crucial plan without son his grandson has no cause. since my other arguments have met with consideration on part i offer new one will let time tell if it do change heart chords supporting harmony accord descants into cacophony. best regards 85613 you're right required is now affirmed winston smith sonnet 8.1 your father the tonic of a chord which third would be child whom you insist to him pleasures can't afford despite fact this note overdue. and in absence how can there fifth within laws geniture as crucial plan without son his grandson has no cause. since all my other arguments have met with consideration on part i offer new one will let time tell if it do change heart chords supporting harmony accord descants into cacophony. thanks again best regards david halitsky 85614 re you're right required is now affirmed very silly person this good. you should practise your spelling david. the word genitor . but know that being a rigorously trained syntactician vsp 85615 no - geniture as in primogeniture winston smith very silly person david says thanks for the kind words but wants to point out that word he had mind was from which is formed familiar . here are links google will turn up if you put exact and definition into all linksongeniture again best regards 85616 re no - geniture as in primogeniture very silly person oh you mean not relating to the laws of anthropology vsp 85617 the whole conceit is a send-up of patriarchy david halitsky whose views informed original sonnets 1-17 by ws. those are clearly what underlying all these inital and why geniture so critical to piece. regards 85622 re jessica - the message is a two line poem a.c. snyder i actually got 1984 title must admit it's been long enough since read that novel forgot character winston smith's name though . what was asking why put whole thing in not let it sink into little hole looks like when written as you posted your response something to take seriously way. no. 85625 pools bowen hot sky and we re underneath the blue quivering reflection of a sun-softened inner-tube. ten but know what doing is something ll remember beyond forty. all summer used pool for its deep cover diving our games to deeper depths undress until that flashing moment not fantasy hand pulling me from water s sudden welter bubbles her father screaming face beside sun above cool chlorinated drip shame on my toes. today i hear son voice go soft familiar splash. through window see him under green sheen two girls sinking either side their waving hair moss adolescence. leave them take picture ve kept floating in memory these years pruned bodies one top another shimmering silver remembrance no dead man float trickle tumescence like tap. 85626 the sacraments geoff a footnote one promise of confirmation is that we should never waste any opportunity to reveal glories christendom whenever and wherever occasion presents itself. . what'tay this conference ever took place chief. i'm not sitting across from you at holiday inn in monument valley neither are you. agreed - good conversion catholicism easy pie. pie godfather repeat after me kyrie elieson christe elieson... why no oil leases condos palm beach seventy virgins under royal palms it follows as night day it's vile slander includes kneeling or walking funny... christie elieson. how dominus vobiscum et cum spiritus tuo... caddy double park. lodge brothers wait. later godfather. ita missa est my son... great manitou hear prayer. leone 85627 re a play in which geoff re. which. for william. there is reliance on images from the first line onwards and none of them connect with each other to give sense. that great pity. i must praise self-assurance struts every wish it had more show its efforts. best you will be white tree. we gather extras leaves they lie stage slightly crinkled say shhh touch others edges look how can teach back at your branches. above night. someone large part silent lonesome. map. folded into myself people not knowing open me see where go. 85628 re not tonight geoff re. for jude goodwin. i find this self-indulgent trying to make its points failing and then just continuing in the same manner close. easy-peasy. around midway one doubts everything. could it be brothers grimm have been sorely deflated value leone-land what-tay 85629 re pools cyocom i would like to see underneath changed beneath. this adolescent ritual isn't anything new but think there's something useful if you pare it down a little. cut most of the second stanza and put that tickle in first stanza. some modifiers out for example green sheen. sounds ducky don't need green. noi 85631 re pools geoff re. for bowen. not the prurient interest. or this is like a whisper that goes on far too long until we are assured something terribly wrong. it has its secrets perhaps with cause but will say what they are. leaves reader text unread. best 85632 re pools bowen for geoff i have no idea what you're talking about but thanks stopping by and typing something below my poem. re. bowen. not the prurient interest. or this is like a whisper that goes on far too long until we are assured terribly wrong. it has its secrets perhaps with cause will say they are. leaves reader text unread. best 85633 re pools bowen noi thanks for the read and comments. i'll look into cutting some. again. a. i would like to see underneath changed beneath. this adolescent ritual isn't anything new but think there's something useful if you pare it down a little. cut most of second stanza put that tickle in first stanza. some modifiers out example green sheen. sounds ducky don't need green. 85634 re the sacraments bowen for gerry. i mean geoff. like with most of your poems i'm left wondering what just read and disappointed that nothing in first makes me want to go back even find out. can a footnote be at top something curious. small note from my heart yours. a. one promise confirmation is we should never waste any opportunity reveal glories christendom whenever wherever occasion presents itself. . what'tay this conference ever took place chief. not sitting across you holiday inn monument valley neither are you. agreed - good conversion catholicism easy pie. pie godfather repeat after kyrie elieson christe elieson... why no oil leases condos palm beach seventy virgins under royal palms it follows as night day it's vile slander includes kneeling or walking funny... christie elieson. how dominus vobiscum et cum spiritus tuo... caddy double park. lodge brothers wait. later godfather. ita missa est son... great manitou hear prayer. geoff leone 85635 re the sacraments geoff re. sacraments. for bowen. just a small note from my heart to yours. thank you stopping by and -- in less time than it takes tell damning entire production including of course this particular piece. what-tay gerry. i mean geoff. like with most your poems i'm left wondering what read disappointed that nothing first makes me want go back even find out. can footnote be at top something curious. a. bowen 85636 re pools geoff re. pools. for bowen. people say silly things about their own poems all the time. not so others' work. there lies a mystery there. i read your piece and called it as saw it. regret that this was enough you. note. find tone unpleasant. best have no idea what you're talking but thanks stopping by typing something below my poem. 85637 re the sacraments annmarie eldon if only golf were as easy... 85639 re the close michael mv might consider as i will be folded into myself and people not knowing open to see where they must go. 85640 re pools bowen all i want is a critique not some veiled typing. say what you mean and don't try to be so coy. like the direct approach y'know re. pools. for bowen. people silly things about their own poems time. others' work. there lies mystery there. read your piece called it as saw it. regret that this was enough you. note. find tone unpleasant. best geoff 85641 re a play in which jude goodwin i too had trouble with this section. it sounded like the speaker was referring to third person as 'you and you i' - then thought maybe first two parts. think can all be solved simply enough by deleting second 'you' above will night. otherwise is lovely poem especially we gather extras leaves they lie on stage slightly crinkled say shhh bravo 85642 green ceramic frog jude goodwin so much depends on the lying back belly up leg over leg. his arms support a smiling head ill-bred he leers at mirror flippant flippers waving. where is that macrame owl froggy lips croak and felt mouse one hid toilet rolls under her skirt. as usual i pay him no mind. things change. murmer squirt cleaner belly. seems bit pale these days not mediterranean of old. fourteen years have passed - that's lot entropy. all my mother's other are safe inside their cardboard shrines away from damaging light clumsy fingers daughters nearly good with hands. it's to now knick knack proof woman ever lived all. 85643 re annie continued asher dear m farmer-- i thought the first one was good these later ones drag on which makes me think that perhaps a long poem is impossible by simply employing narrator. so yes find such writing pretty boring because its not different from prose. you have narrator telling everything unified voice kills s they become flat as result and or at least don't see going anywhere except insomuch it sustained meditation own form voice. sorry can't be more positive. hopefully this will make reconsider series of poems consider stratifying into dialogue. what seems to help drama. suppose reason why read poetry like turns in necessary for language trope etc but ability manueouver styles. has present. ag preparation god carrion stunk high heaven she told them jump street -- no listens their way through death deserts early morning silence. razor forged cuts skin bullshit cut had to. been slicing while lies mystic muddle mimicry pseudo-sybaritic if we may. left immutable recollection cornerstone all wasn t made is. subsist heart protector tradition truth small yet big could deny it. look object sat beside her pointed said then ate bologna sandwich placed huge feet up rest them. 85644 faust on the beach alexander g. rubio from scraps i conjure up this image impossibly sharp shadows of passing clouds gliding like giant hands over your body soaking sun warm rocks. crucified amino-acids try to recreate water rocks and brown skin shining with sun-block droplets brine refracted through soft-focus mind. perhaps is way all ghosts are created because we long for them. these remnants you flesh thought dr. always searching that one perfect moment finding it already past. 85646 re faust on the beach ryan overall pretty good. a few comments from scraps i conjure up this image impossibly sharp shadows of passing clouds gliding like giant hands over your body soaking sun warm rocks. -------- felt was just tiny bit heavy-handed assonance consonance alliteration - would tone down repitition everything is good in moderation crucified amino-acids try to recreate water rocks and brown skin shining with sun-block droplets brine refracted through soft-focus mind. ----- first strophe one heavy images. lot verbs nouns be more selective what makes cut. perhaps way all ghosts are created because we long for them. these remnants you --- nice settled than two strophes flesh thought dr. always searching that perfect moment finding it already past. here where have tough time trying come an intelligent comment as can't remember much so feel dumb comment. anyway enjoyed read again even if ignored my comments. thanks sharing 85647 the quick fox suffers crowfate ryan how to make an honest living in shoe repair. i saw a famous cobbler and thought sadness. after he claimed moon it became another worthless rock. such as buttercups. improve yourself b'ware fiery grunt of hasty arrows. repair by attaching new upper most exotic soliloquy. read between lines elsewhere beyond. here potato eater ravenswarm wheatsea this is stranger nether you no longer hear them elves painting oil'd-leather quick-fox scrammbled eggs. bcheaaabfc gbdedegdgadbdc abac aaedgd dehdgbgagahc'ia eabcga ddgbbcheaade 80cm x 54cm oil on fire story non-foxing your nocturnal observations. lattice layce latters constellations are layered nyght keeps shhh old news appreciate egg. vincent's found ear 85648 diction among the ruins david halitsky ryan - to me strength of this piece lies in a quasi-consistent which can be sensed despite form you choose write. for reason i would reconsider it became another worthless rock. and vincent's found ear these are simply trite. strongest lines my opinion here potato eater ravenswarm wheatsea forgive suggesting rewrite but make think that should re-centered around image gravedigger three above start piece. could then developed as post-modern riff on yorick line with your own use word soliloquy . see no matter how hard try escape canon find is there words less. best regards 85649 re diction among the ruins ryan thx for comments i'm still toying with this one a lot anyway - i appreciate you taking look hopefully will get some good pushes towards another draft thanks again 85650 it's a difficult place but moss isn't quite it david halitsky ash - instead of two girls sinking on either side their waving hair adolescence. my ear head hears sees something like ferns caught in rising water this is not right avoids the problem conjuring up close-cropped which contradicted by and also images its opposite level. i think you should lose last line or replace have tendency to go for picadilly thirds your lines they are always necessary. regards 85651 re it's a difficult place but moss isn't quite bowen good point dave. i'll attend to that. yes yes. those last lines. i'm so into david bottoms right now and he has killer lines that i'd love emulate. of course i can't yet reaching for them. thanks again the read comments. ash - instead two girls sinking on either side their waving hair adolescence. my ear head hears sees something like ferns caught in rising water this is not it avoids problem conjuring up close-cropped which contradicted by also images its opposite level. think you should lose line or replace have tendency go picadilly thirds your they are always necessary. regards halitsky 85652 re the close jessica a.c. snyder i think jude's suggestion would work well. another option be to replace you with us. 85654 edit maybe ryan how to make an honest living in shoe repair. here a potato eater ravenswarm wheatsea i saw famous cobbler and thought sadness. after he claimed the moon it became another such as buttercups plan improve yourself fiery grunt of hasty arrows repair by attaching new upper most exotic soliloquy instead sun has become mouthless giant moths on fire lattice layce latters constellations are layered nyght keeps am wishing for vincent or palm tree coconuts painted god's judgement against bent sky is predicted collapse chinese clouds i'm finally learning sooner observe you pointlessly dead 85655 re a play in which carmela cohen do you want to be on top m 8 nope not wicha honey bumkins how bouts if ya just sorta slip yours 'hind mine and cha know sweets where te word hinnie is commin from engleesh no i ain't joshin boy thank god the patrol mamma sabbatical da provincial or idda have whipped good spiff wiffin iwth soap right now c 85656 poem with a door david ayers and you would turn it into one of those ideas where every step the way floor moves another square tile ahead hero this video game scene which don't see until he because you're so busy working joystick like motherfucker back forth making feet work him excellent at obstacles jumping up over that log blitting red button now whip curling just in time to follow limbs swinging ravine you've already mastered know exactly how is get final frame deluxe edition monster waits waist-high water woman strapped rock can feel deft move pulls arrows out bow from his shoots them... both believe begins running rapidly there 85657 re the heat of spring david ayers getting warm in colorado eh - i read some previous comments and felt that lauren's were absolutely spot-on. might want to keep me second strophe which she recommended cutting but that's debatable. actually i'd love it if this possible--if 'to me' could both be there not there. a parenthetical would almost maybe do it. or move down into its own line i'm little iffy on snowy last too. like see go. yeah lot. is kind poem work too because imperfections are so comfortable. fact you disregard everything just said them perhaps sky guess most sure about wear . snip-snip --d birds absurd they ve forgotten singing. dart tangle cold screech fiddle. how absent have been. come show deepened skin back across grasslands me. coats boots hats anything wear. will dress hot layers until suddenly say had shirtsleeves comfortable mountains. 85658 congrats on the guardian mention annmarie eldon specifically sonnet exercise poetry workshop - sonnets this is v clever. my best lines green ceramic frog so much depends lying back belly up leg over leg. his arms support a smiling head ill-bred he leers at mirror flippant flippers waving. where that macrame owl froggy lips croak and felt mouse one hid toilet rolls under her skirt. as usual i pay him no mind. things change. murmer squirt cleaner belly. seems bit pale these days not mediterranean of old. fourteen years have passed that's lot entropy. all mother's other are safe inside their cardboard shrines away from damaging light clumsy fingers daughters nearly good with hands. it's to now knick knack proof woman ever lived all. indeed... workingup sweat conclusion 85659 re poem with a door asher hi david- the is fine. i didn't think motherfucker fit in there perhaps because speaker seems to care about person whom addressed to. got interesting at delux edition line...i that could use layer of subtext or something as it reads like pretty straight forward narrative. also wondered title. best and you would turn into one those ideas where every step way floor moves another square tile ahead hero this video game scene which don't see until he you're so busy working joystick back forth making feet work him excellent obstacles jumping up over log blitting red button now whip curling just time follow limbs swinging ravine you've already mastered know exactly how get final frame deluxe monster waits waist-high water woman strapped rock can feel deft move pulls arrows out bow from his shoots them... both believe begins running rapidly 85660 re a play in which asher hi william-- i'm not sure that the night bit is working for me partly cause i read it as good willed overt essentialism...which isn't bad just don't trust narrator perhaps my loss and images cohere sentiment being expressed but they come across vague notions still unfamilar or cliche. l4-5 were favorite because had sound substance... idea of man map woman darkness pretty much tropes colonizers used. best regards you will be white tree. we gather extras to leaves lie on stage slightly crinkled say shhh each other touch others edges look how can teach back at your branches. above night. someone large must part silent lonesome. map. folded into myself people knowing open see where go. 85661 re pools asher some very nice lines in here...i liked a moss of adolescene. i didn't care much for the piece that strived aesthetically...such as sun-softened although those three lines...hmmm deeper depths. probably you could cut trope is apparant. consider cutting welter. images at end strophe one perhaps use sharpening. sheen think someone already mentioned . yes their waving hair...a to lose would be pivotal poem imo. last seemed verbose. sharpen them etc. best hot sky and we underneath blue quivering reflection inner-tube. ten but know what doing something ll remember beyond forty. all summer used pool its deep cover diving our games depths undress until flashing moment not fantasy hand pulling me from water s sudden welter bubbles her father screaming face beside sun above cool chlorinated drip shame on my toes. today hear son voice go soft familiar splash. through window see him under green two girls sinking either side hair adolescence. leave take picture ve kept floating memory these years pruned bodies top another shimmering silver remembrance no dead man float trickle tumescence like tap. 85662 re poem with a door yoly hi david- this is an imaginative poem. in video game enjoyed it thoroughly. peace and you would turn into one of those ideas where every step the way floor moves another square tile ahead hero scene which don't see until he because you're so busy working joystick like motherfucker back forth making feet work him excellent at obstacles jumping up over that log blitting red button now whip curling just time to follow limbs swinging ravine you've already mastered know exactly how get final frame deluxe edition monster waits waist-high water woman strapped rock can feel deft move pulls arrows out bow from his shoots them... both believe begins running rapidly there 85663 re pools bowen asher thanks. the ending seems problematic to me also. thanks for comments and read. much appreciated. some very nice lines in here...i liked a moss of adolescene. i didn't care piece that strived aesthetically...such as sun-softened although those three lines...hmmm deeper depths. probably you could cut trope is apparant. consider cutting welter. images at end strophe one perhaps use sharpening. sheen think someone already mentioned . yes their waving hair...a lose would be pivotal poem imo. last seemed verbose. sharpen them etc. best 85664 re the quick fox suffers crowfate yoly ryan- def i will have to return this. a bit too obscure for morning read though start really grabbed me. peace how make an honest living in shoe repair. saw famous cobbler and thought sadness. after he claimed moon it became another worthless rock. such as buttercups. improve yourself b'ware fiery grunt of hasty arrows. repair by attaching new upper most exotic soliloquy. between lines elsewhere beyond. here potato eater ravenswarm wheatsea this is stranger nether you no longer hear them elves painting oil'd-leather quick-fox scrammbled eggs. bcheaaabfc gbdedegdgadbdc abac aaedgd dehdgbgagahc'ia eabcga ddgbbcheaade 80cm x 54cm oil on fire story non-foxing your nocturnal observations. lattice layce latters constellations are layered nyght keeps shhh old news appreciate egg. vincent's found ear 85665 watts in a name yoly he called her constance twice that day. it d been months already she was soft tissue for his dispossessed ghost. they continued to walk through the reptile house. pretending like ignoring bees motivated by their queen. but lincoln park zoo had constellations of eyes looking be amused every species on display. never one blow whistles public sat yoga style under an oak tree near primate habitat. trailed dusk behind daylight edging towards beehive. hour later told him sound could use definitive hers. get choked up once while and not make hit wonder it. 85666 re congrats on the guardian mention jude goodwin thanks annmarie i'm thinking those lines could be separated from rest actually as they justify 'borrowed' opening line otherwise is just that - borrowed. working where i'll put in break. my mum was an artist and made many beautiful things. sadly i keep them hidden away. but her silly ceramic frog which she didn't even make forever lolling bathroom counter almost accusingly. for mention. i've always enjoyed writing sonnets keeps me becoming too how did geoff it self indulgent 85667 re pools yoly hi ash- i thought you captured this well tying past and present in your pools. worked for me. hot sky we underneath the blue quivering reflection of a sun-softened inner-tube. ten but know what doing is something ll remember beyond forty. all summer used pool its deep cover diving our games to deeper depths undress until that flashing moment not fantasy hand pulling me from water s sudden welter bubbles her father screaming face beside sun above cool chlorinated drip shame on my toes. today hear son voice go soft familiar splash. through window see him under green sheen two girls sinking either side their waving hair moss adolescence. leave them take picture ve kept floating memory these years pruned bodies one top another shimmering silver remembrance no dead man float trickle tumescence like tap. 85668 re pools bowen thanks for reading and responding yoly. i appreciate it. best a. 85669 re ceramic frogs etc annmarie eldon re-reading this - there's the possiblity of a collection poems no about obvious possessions creations and not-so s latter being ones which have 'real' power irony that 85670 definition te ballard it was not death she feared but wings startled and dense searching the september fields for corn. every autumn d pull car to side crows crossing sky. once one landed on hood of her a tree followed. bad omen when i told how in jung s book symbols birds represent self darker color more repressed need laughed then sighed. is all hunger said. flight. 85671 bade wake annmarie eldon semi-sudden crastination l'amour so close to protective outer shell as be... forelock regenerateurs not for or against but unproferred a day s automaticked list drives hugely spandexed rolling runner hips sacrifocussing predimentials prospecting whatever flattened the offside rear tyre nail seduction through pane how long might l 6 hold up scoliosissing between mouldy pollarded london planes dogs landscape someone private road rolls past sweet balsam poplars desist mere backdrop flatteners sun at best quasi-cyst shops fuckall say concubine whore sheets house copyholding its sanctimonious dampslop no fanlight whence any microprisoner leftover dry escape then same flat operatic tussis breaks flickering feeds memory parameters mouths. they may maintain she silences with love fingers sensitive fraenulum wands book sloughing off cellulite conspiracists unnecessary go 'gainst your dialectician's tedious multi-parts girl recipe lemon bee propolis oxfordshire honey brandy hot water law court where her routine statuted all incredible simply in soup on-faur redolence almost too durst one isomither of this bows call once again late whether f dreams foreal none can 85672 re green ceramic frog te ballard hello jude as editor if i read this would be turned off by the opening line. say get at least one poem a week with so much depends on which does not make it wrong but and is big taking line from can serve catalyst must your own. rest found fresh imo deserves stronger beginning. 85673 re definition annmarie eldon hey so good to see you - this is sparse. i was drawn read it its conclusion think has exactly the economy needs. only slight 'catch' in back of my throat a bad omen as if too many words. wanted simply an or but then on second seemed fine maybe i'm just thinking up things say here. not death she feared wings startled and dense searching september fields for corn. every autumn d pull car side crows crossing sky. once one landed hood her tree followed. when told how jung s book symbols birds represent self darker color more repressed need laughed sighed. all hunger said. flight. 85674 re green ceramic frog jude goodwin hi te thanks - yes i am feeling the same about it poem started out as a funny between myself and my own daughter we make 'red wheelbarrow' jokes all time but this piece went to other places well poems do so maybe should legitimize with better beginning. shouldn't be hard 85676 re definition ryan hiya i am with ame on the omen-thing. didn't like question uncertainty - rest of poem although two-conflicting opinions each seems pretty certain. also modification bad think an omen in itself is sufficient more mysterious and support interpretations when it isn't labeled good bad. don't really assign a label to that modification. thanks for sharing anyway this best read site while imho loved this. absolutely. so much imagine about. was not death she feared but wings startled dense searching september fields corn. every autumn d pull car side crows crossing sky. once one landed hood her tree followed. told how jung s book symbols birds represent self darker color repressed need laughed then sighed. all hunger said. flight. 85677 pittsburgh a year earlier alexander g. rubio things we construct can become too big buildings ideas our need for another inhuman overpowering trapping us and crushing under their weight. the few people walking streets not watching game on tv seem to carry city shoulders like atlases unequal task. if ever had an image voice it would be footsteps in snow sidewalk moaning sound of winter orpheus with his mouth singing through canyons steel. 85678 ibpc noms - last call coming up michael mv http www.webdelsol.com bbs zineweb zineweb.cgi read 10711 85679 re green ceramic frog te ballard jude in my workshop with collins he said does exactly what you do as a starting point and then always chops off the head tail. even made us make 30 i statements turn into poem. think are right track t 85680 too add michael mv yes simply an omen 85681 re bade wake cyocom well good morning anyway. you've thrown the l6 in there and it sounds off tyre pane pain sexless. i think you could cut descriptive here past sweet balsam poplars desist against mere backdrop flatteners sun at best a quasi-cyst read foreal as play on boreal. otherwise very nice. nio 85683 re the sacraments geoff re. sacraments. for annmarie. just something that is driving me crazy. perhaps beginning of something... hat'tey. p.s. hat'tey correct term navaho greeting above. if only golf were as easy... annmarie 85684 re pittsburgh a year earlier jessica a.c. snyder overall i like the images here and phrasing of them. but in poem describing grandness its subject want more please. that having been said personally would hack entire first strophe. it seems this strophe encapsulates all you wanted to say perhaps wrote then went on from there show what says . since convey message much effectively with those follow bit is extraneous over expalnatory. things we construct can become too big buildings ideas our need for another inhuman overpowering trapping us crushing under their weight. few people walking streets not watching game tv seem carry city shoulders atlases unequal task. if ever had an image voice be footsteps snow sidewalk moaning sound winter orpheus his mouth singing through canyons steel. 85685 re pittsburgh a year earlier alexander g. rubio you might be on to something about the first stanza. in this book i wanted clear or at least clearer than last but those lines well bit of spoonfeeding. 85686 re definition laurel well i like this alot. liked alot the way you had it posted on your blog. don't know that rearrangement is any better than original but hell guess i'd listen to a big time editor's opinion too. grin small nits. what about over instead of side pulled car over. chopping bad omen it's not needed. and...i was going suggest deeper darker....but that's quite same thing. shut up have an exercise headache. gotta find some fuel. i'm ibpcing t. death she feared wings startled and dense searching september fields for corn. every autumn d pull crows crossing sky. once one landed hood her tree followed. when told how in jung s book symbols birds represent self darker color more repressed need laughed then sighed. all hunger said. flight. 85687 re green ceramic frog laurel kill so much depends on and knick knack you've got a swell poem jude. what else. murmur not murmer. oh since the title is it i'd start here lying back belly up leg after leg. poem's delight to read. just those few small nits really. wow. things really weird in here---excuse digression but my cat's running around house pell mell like wild animal for absolutely no reason at all. ever heard of night crazies he's him. yikes. i enjoy your poetry voice distinctive. over his arms support smiling head ill-bred he leers mirror flippant flippers waving. where that macrame owl froggy lips croak felt mouse one hid toilet rolls under her skirt. as usual pay him mind. change. murmer squirt cleaner belly. seems bit pale these days mediterranean old. fourteen years have passed - that's lot entropy. all mother's other are safe inside their cardboard shrines away from damaging light clumsy fingers daughters nearly good with hands. it's now proof woman lived 85688 the woman speaks jessica a.c. snyder after langston hughe's negro of rivers i ve known beginnings. beautiful and frightful firsts. am mother knew precursor to joy before skin shame itself when ecstasy was guiltless pure holy touch new virgin... startling start first son s wails shocked cries bloodshed slew father hung his head in lament. seen ripening fruits bittersweet tongue-tempter that is pulp those early fruits. only taste could me too. held pain within my womb not full with child beginning expectation fulfillment regularly unmet. wellspring beginnings promise you. love rich garden estrangement begins forget what teaches. too resentment a name carry no more than story mistakes reverence lost. your breath yet long ago began mean serpents guilt for who would see as dirt stolen ribs. 85689 a quick and dirty rewrite alexander g. rubio pittsburgh year earlier there is comfort in man made things. but this city looks like it's built by some future then abandoned for still later archeologists to find. the few people walking streets not watching game on tv seem carry their shoulders atlases unequal task. if ever too big had an image voice it would be footsteps snow sidewalk moaning sound of winter orpheus with his mouth singing through canyons steel. 85690 re poem with a door jack m hi dave. the title of this pulled me in. but i didn't get what was expecting. guess that's good it would be great if were surprised. ask for language generally to cranked up couple notches. think starts into groove in places words like obstacles monster deft move and scene which you don't see weren't enough me. mean video game is going vehicle then my mind situations has as full images game. that imagery demands attention. so believe demand sort does by using second person here isn't actually hardly ever grab collar way makes want concentrate. did. grabbed because interesting try imagine. also these lines blitting red button now whip curling just time follow limbs swinging over ravine best turn one those ideas where every step floor moves another square tile ahead hero until he you're busy working joystick motherfucker back forth making feet work him excellent at jumping log you've already mastered know exactly how final frame deluxe edition waits waist-high water woman strapped rock can feel pulls arrows out bow from his shoots them... both begins running rapidly there 85691 re the sacraments jack m geoff while worthy sentiment because this doesn't feel to me like it adds anything new discussion either through form or content and i don't know your origin--and actually i'm not asking--to seems at worst gratutiously imperialistic--or least didactic. best heartfelt. yours 85692 re definition jessica a.c. snyder i pretty much agree with the previous comments a bad omen really stood out to me as not belonging here amongst these otherwise elegant lines. crows already are estblished having importance meaning and one being followed by tree following jungian exploration give enough notice of omens reader don't spell it in such an sublime poem. only have two other nits but wings startled dense searching september fields implies that flight feared is due from some activity. then you imply birds taken wing because they were search food. this seems bit contradictory. hunger flight. i'm anal know wondered why wasn't capitalized--you capitalize first words all rest poem do play grammar or rules so just couldn't understand you'd leave lowercase thus implying diminishment statement. 85693 re the woman speaks ryan i think this is great capital g what loved about that reader in beginning could read poem as a speaker's autobiography of sorts present day or on biblical level. thought went - it got bit too obvious which took away my ability to apply day. son are well-worked same with ending ribs but gardens fruit...those old stories don't need lay thick. dont want suggest cut since would surely muck up connsider adding one fact at something personal speaker make question if reference situation. also cutting two items. thanks for sharing was very good. after langston hughe's negro rivers ve known beginnings. beautiful and frightful firsts. am mother knew precursor joy before skin shame itself when ecstasy guiltless pure holy touch new virgin... startling start first s wails shocked cries bloodshed slew father hung his head lament. seen ripening fruits bittersweet tongue-tempter pulp those early fruits. only taste me too. held pain within womb not full child expectation fulfillment regularly unmet. wellspring beginnings promise you. love rich garden estrangement begins forget teaches. resentment name carry no more than story mistakes reverence lost. your breath yet long ago began mean serpents guilt who see dirt stolen ribs. 85694 re the whole conceit is a send-up of patriarc very silly person david i am not stalking you btw. have never met an american with iq as high yours would appear to be. know they must exist but it s like that ufo attraction. people say ve seen even them had decent conversation them. relevant authorities mock encounteees by telling go home and sober up. your poem 8.1 are awaiting further input. nobody has recognized recklessness use word geniture without predecessor. genitor cannot hope discuss geniture. playing tennis sans raquets. maybe could get just whacking ball hand be left sore hands. nonsensical inheritance if there isn t predecessor donate inheritance. in shakespeare sonnet subject bachelor status referred singleness his rightful or obligations. vsp 85695 re the whole conceit is a send-up of patriarc david halitsky vsp - i personally know number americans whose formal iqs would have to be far in excess mine if actually measured course scientists and mathematicians don't usually count these discussions. with regard genitor geniture issue here's my take for what it's worth. all original sonnets 1-17 by ws try convince addressee procreate bu sugared appeals addressee's ego i.e. produce copy himself prolong existence his marvelous qualities world through himself. but we from our knowledge elizabethan times how important stability succession was back then due indelible mark war roses on sociopolitical consciousness not mention issues surrounding elizabeth herself so were simply opinion disgusing real which orderly passing down wealth property heirs. this why 8.1 deliberately relegates position major triad chord he second job it third who will son relegated task producing fifth. other hand sonnet says ok let's riff musical 8 do talk turkey get serious about transfer wealth. hope that clarifies pov an appropriate noun imo. maybe you're right know. btw where are you or located now us gather. best regards 85696 re the heat of spring sherry hi there babe. actually it looks like a blizzard out and schools are closed yea i'm with you i did rewrite under lauren's crit. snowy in last line was difficult for me too...it started as mountains at least cut repetative spring. thanks your thoughts appreciate them greatly because believe understand my style work within it--yet nudge toward other expression also. love s. getting warm colorado eh read some previous comments felt that were absolutely spot-on. might want to keep second strophe which she recommended cutting but that's debatable. i'd if this possible--if 'to me' could both be not there. parenthetical would almost maybe do it. or move down into its own little iffy on too. see go. yeah lot. is kind poem too imperfections so comfortable. fact disregard everything just said perhaps sky guess most sure about wear . snip-snip --d 85697 common lights alexander g. rubio to aimee considering stars and bodies distance becomes meaningless a thousand miles lifetimes will not bring us nearer the heavens. my skin being even an inch away from yours creeps cold of outer vacuum body lost among we never touch. no matter how much poet in me rebels at thought i know words can bridge that just create pretty illusions digital dreams our bit more near like shooting ones zeros. 85698 it would have embarrassed you jenni from the block if i d said that ghost in window s just a cloud not looking down as rake spring-soft yard each blade still tentative emerges into green after winter long reclusion. last night roamed dark being shut so forgotten stars and moths dogs barking at moon or to hear themselves. warm wind nearly knocked me over. surely this is how lazarus felt. when read poem promises love perennial grass laughed until choked gasped. then closed book turned light out. re raking too hard pulling up sod. without here scowl tell everything do wrong tear lawn apart. loved dad. miss you. 85699 re common lights yoly beautiful. it reminds me of damien rice's song named amy too. peace to aimee considering stars and bodies distance becomes meaningless a thousand miles lifetimes will not bring us nearer the heavens. my skin being even an inch away from yours creeps cold outer vacuum body lost among we never touch. no matter how much poet in rebels at thought i know words can bridge that just create pretty illusions digital dreams our bit more near like shooting ones zeros. 85700 re common lights alexander g. rubio thanks as long the comparison is to damien rice and not a britney spears tune i'm good 85701 re the whole conceit is a send-up of patriarc very silly person david if you re-write above poem as play and fill in blanks will be aware incongruity your use geniture parallel with shakespeare s singleness his sonnet 8 where he found it useful to speak from first pov. would appear disinterested bystander 8.1. once sort out order items below then approaching some semblance usefulness authority. have allowed obfuscation rule head should told otherwise. father says thinks actions . child .. third what fifth .a son whose grandson who me i say part vsp 85702 re the woman speaks jessica a.c. snyder thanks for generous read ryan i have issues with fruit myself but more phrasing of fruit--too wordsome awkward. honestly thought that metaphorical import garden honeymoon orgasm would bring this back to modern speaker. and those are two metaphors wanted central poem so i'm really reluctant cut them. do you think maybe if placed them higher up before slaying they might be less over-done feeling or tightened language a bit trying what imagery both eve everywoman could convey because like idea strengthening intentional ambiguity. made biblical even modernized i'd love any suggestions may have. please don't fear mucking --if something will muck just won't use it. hmmmm...lots brainstorm over. 85703 re it would have embarrassed you alexander g. rubio that was a really strong poem precise and to the point. one thing might be questionable is allusion lazarus tad worn by now. 85704 ah james wilco no nm david halitsky 85705 re ah james wilco no very silly person way. 85706 re the woman speaks ryan hi - i tried to play with it a bit. but didnt come up anything was happy yet. am going out of town tonight through sunday will try get when back. i'm sure someone some great ideas before then 85707 eating potatoes by the light... ryan light of an oil lamp sometimes exaggerating brabant expressions impressions steam-up ghost-soft cheekbone empty response out in interior it's like black-bread being moved into leathery-brown space all faces show dark movement. dampshaped-tones. when familiar complexion resemble no sooner will silence witness a girl utterly hopeless now it is me earthen hues stick-heavy about absent-tubers history soft-cheekbone chicory stink-breathes upon release entirely sinking s language nourishment hopelessly yam-proof underground tomorrow's ghost-wish disappears lost flesh inside night 85708 inescapable jesus doppelganger and me si mon a two fingered driver at best he rubbernecks strip joints in hopes of spotting unfaithful. his invites for yardbird clinked brown glass go unanswered. knows s not my only double. the man black raincoat considers women grace unfettered. less make-up. less. is other double race track bound. father forgiven. steps through every puddle. i around. watches from edge. this dog-eared love. which us will dare to exit 85709 re it would have embarrassed you si mon laurel -- i know the point of poem as expressed by title is in last few lines. still feel this much more powerful if were to just end with tearing up. suggested some changes my take. ignore want. d said that ghost window s a cloud not looking down rake spring-soft yard each blade tentative emerges into green after winter long reclusion. night roamed dark being shut so forgotten stars and moths dogs barking at moon or hear themselves. warm wind nearly knocked me over. surely how lazarus felt. when read promises love perennial grass laughed until choked gasped . then closed book turned light out. raking too hard pulling up sod. without here scowl tell everything do wrong tear lawn apart. loved dad. miss you. 85710 re common lights si mon for me the two strongest lines in this poem are first and last. maybe that's way it should be. but what's middle of is my opinion too vague to move should. i think line would make a wonderful title. aimee considering stars bodies distance becomes meaningless thousand miles lifetimes will not bring us nearer heavens. skin being even an inch away from yours creeps cold outer vacuum body lost among we never touch. no matter how much poet rebels at thought know words can bridge that just create pretty illusions digital dreams our bit more near like shooting ones zeros. 85711 arriving early geoff . where is the sound of conversation approaching footsteps polite laughter discourse continued all way from parking lot but there no one here to explain by raising a single eyelid or sharing discreet cough ground rules for engagement. you pace room disrupting world ice crystals your touch disembodies. must sense roughness and smoothness at costs more time. possibility in things lands squarely on thin shoulders. force yourself stop pacing staring longing door may have walked through outdoors. failing find answers sit back deepest most comfortable armchair knowing full well it's last thing should do. leone 85712 re common lights geoff re. to aimee for rubio. this text does not impress reader as it consists of a lot tired words and sentiments without feeling or intensity. ends better than starts but still... moral when tempted write what people say in given situation don't. best considering stars bodies distance becomes meaningless thousand miles lifetimes will bring us nearer the heavens. my skin being even an inch away from yours creeps cold outer vacuum body lost among we never touch. no matter how much poet me rebels at thought i know can bridge that just create pretty illusions digital dreams our bit more near like shooting ones zeros. eof 85713 re common lights geoff sidebar to rubio. pardon the bean counting but is it true you have posted pieces at an interval of one per day for three days and commented once in that time i hope powers will correct me if am mistaken proportions are criticize times before posting piece. perhaps a simple misunderstanding best 85714 re definition geoff re. definition. for t.e. ballard. this piece runs into a mine field early on and pretty well stays there. comments inline. ... every autumn she d pull the car to side crows crossing sky. why earth should anyone do that once one landed hood of her tree followed. is cartoon-like. bad omen when i told how in jung s book symbols birds represent self darker color more repressed need laughed then sighed. conversation doubts ever will take place. fear requires big rethinking perhaps dash humor or two. best it was not death feared but wings startled dense searching september fields corn. all hunger said. flight. eof 85715 re poem with a door geoff re. for david ayers. if this is textual illustration of the potential imagery present in video games any i find it thin and ungrateful. best 85716 note on the poem if you need one... ryan potato eaters vincent van gogh 85717 re green ceramic frog geoff re. for jude goodwin. hey until the last word was read i in two minds on this and then after all smiles hope you use where it does most good. best so much depends lying back belly up leg over leg. his arms support a smiling head ill-bred he leers at mirror flippant flippers waving. is that macrame owl froggy lips croak felt mouse one hid toilet rolls under her skirt. as usual pay him no mind. things change. murmer squirt cleaner belly. seems bit pale these days not mediterranean of old. fourteen years have passed - that's lot entropy. my mother's other are safe inside their cardboard shrines away from damaging light clumsy fingers daughters nearly good with hands. it's to now knick knack proof woman ever lived all. 85718 other names alexander g. rubio i feel the beneath your skin whispering as you lie asleep in rooms where can not break private memories that keep. and we sink with bodies locked hear voices rise a painful noise cannot block transfigure me run through. wish could reach back through all folds of time space to rip them out make only mine when embrace. but still every sings just name is mine. 85719 re other names ryan title well i have to ask if the insistent pronoun usage is intentional - an effect of sorts in support it isn't working for me. anyway too heavy reliance on pronouns lost interest quickly this piece as didn't know how relate whoever might be speaking whomever whatever reason. thanks sharing. 85720 re common lights alexander g. rubio excuse me but i had no idea there was such a rule here at this board. jeg var ikke klar over noen slik regel eksisterte. 85721 re common lights ryan there is no hard rule thinks - but it court. to give back the board 85722 re inescapable jesus doppelganger and me barbara silberg another winner. my aren't you busy. one nit is will dare. sounds too tentitive someone has to. excise the it be perfect. fav this dog-eared love. --barbara s. a two fingered driver at best he rubbernecks strip joints in hopes of spotting unfaithful. his invites for yardbird clinked brown glass go unanswered. knows s not only double. man black raincoat considers women grace unfettered. less make-up. less. other double race track bound. father forgiven. steps through every puddle. i around. watches from edge. which us dare to exit 85723 re it would have embarrassed you jenni from the block i swear laughed so hard just now when saw that i'd accidentally posted as jftb think may seriously hurt myself. smile lazarus probably will go. use him way too often...although he does serve multiple purposes in poem. still between and icarus geez do go back to those 2 often. almost ended on loved you---past tense. might end there. don't know. part of me totally sees your point really wants a poem blurts out what couldn't. damn shame my father were shut-mouthed about it. thanks muchly for feedback jim. enduring yet another dead dad me. god knows i've written kazillion them already. ironic considering never wrote man while was alive eh oh hey i'm reading paul guest's book---have already said this ---and loving thinking poetry. if his book get you'll see yourself him....or vice versa. is flatout love which refreshing. bought 5 books amazon none won over like one. poetry has heart that's why reminds yours mr. zola. laurel who's got stupid song stuck there head... -- know expressed by title last few lines. feel much more powerful with tearing up. suggested some changes take. ignore want. 85724 re it would have embarrassed you jenni from the block thanks alexander. i almost lopped off lazarus line before posting poem then didn't. of miss too and might chop both during revision. appreciate your input. are new to board if so welcome laurel that was a really strong precise point. one thing be questionable is allusion tad worn by now. 85725 re green ceramic frog jude goodwin kill so much depends on and knick knack you've got a swell poem jude. what else. murmur not murmer. oh since the title is it i'd start here lying back belly up leg after leg. great advice laurel - thanks poem's delight to read. just those few small nits really. wow. things really weird in here---excuse digression but my cat's running around house pell mell like wild animal for absolutely no reason at all. ever heard of night crazies he's him. yikes. ha. i remember cats doing that. probably why there are many stories where cat can see into spirit worlds or other dimensions .... looking quantum dimension enjoy your poetry voice distinctive. you too girl 85726 re it would have embarrassed you alexander g. rubio yes i'm new here to posting poems on messageboards really. i usually just write my own and then publish be damned . but thought i'd try out some of the for nadir book here. so slowly these days that sometimes get blind spots - stare long at words miss something obvious. remember same thing while was still painting you'd canvas until lost all sense perspective when took months later work again go wow ear is way too big thanks welcome. 85727 re green ceramic frog jude goodwin thanks geoff glad to make you smile 85728 re other names sherry alexander although i don't write in form and never end rhyme rather like this. voices sing the final couplet. perhaps rewrite last line to leave out just. all that are not mine or something that. s. feel beneath your skin whispering as you lie asleep rooms where can break private memories keep. we sink with bodies locked hear rise a painful noise cannot block transfigure me run through. wish could reach back through folds of time space rip them make only when embrace. but still every sings just name is mine. 85729 re poem with a door sherry hi david i posted part of one creeley's poems the over at natter. and guess that's reason why really like ending your first stanza wouldn't begin it though. idea this lot where something in life has become likened to video game encounter...i need more extreme action though...the excitement when you're working that futherfucking joystick. grin want feel pacman chasing me chomp just detached reference guy shooting arrow into woman or monster which is don't believe it--but then not talking anyway isn't enough. three ins 6th do much for me. could see running away end though....the control being worked worked. love s. you would turn those ideas every step way floor moves another square tile ahead hero scene until he because so busy joystick motherfucker back forth making feet work him excellent obstacles jumping up log blitting red button now whip curling time follow limbs swinging ravine you've already mastered know exactly how get final frame deluxe edition waits waist-high water strapped rock can deft move pulls arrows out bow from his shoots them... both begins rapidly there 85730 re other names jessica a.c. snyder i rather liked this and felt the musicality emphasis on sound appropriate to subject matter. but really want be invited in feel a bit more. do have some suggestions though. beneath your skin whispering as you lie asleep rooms where can not break private memories that keep. think of l4 might better and. repetition beginning ending previous line then starting one puts alot focus word distracts from what lines are saying. we sink with bodies locked hear voices rise painful noise cannot block transfigure me run through. l1 strophe consider omitting --it would cut downstroke off th first iamb allowing vocalization along words set up hint expressed cacophony come. also it seems is doing transfiguring--if so put an s end trasfigure --if maybe make clear agent transfiguration. i'd like see transfiguration--it's just vague image more show than tell--give us speaker becomes new does will nifty metrical inset. wish could reach back through all folds time space rip them out only mine when embrace. l2 trite quickly greeting card if surrounded by metered rhyme few grandsweeping images seem overreaching why . rhymes too easy here again enter tone which has no business near absolutely considering discussing something hears disturbs much highly recommend use slant rhyme. still keep speaker's desire happiness world it's proper order wonderfully subtly portrayed meter pretty-sounding override assertions distress. many ear sort lull reader allow distress or longing. give half respect perfect one. every sings name mine. sherry had excellent suggestion for last line. second it. breaks fall at grammatically breaking points. poem asserting level impair poem's ability wholly convey emotional weight. well-placed enjambment help pull accross these lines. 85731 re inescapable jesus doppelganger and me jessica a.c. snyder i have a major complaint want more. feel like i've been teased here--these characters the stellar linguistics depicting them pique my interest then disappear. wholly unsatisfying but in bring back for more way. 85732 re eating potatoes by the light... jessica a.c. snyder this is not an easily-digested spud babe. i'll give you want i can for now and maybe when more has hit gut come back with more. sometimes exaggerating brabant expressions impressions steam-up ghost-soft cheekbone empty response out in interior why capitalized even cummings would capitalize once a while. also i'm thrown hyphenation of steam-up. large fan hyphens dashes but one seems to make modifier verb. it's like black-bread being moved into leathery-brown space all faces show dark movement. dampshaped-tones. familiar complexion resemble no sooner will silence witness girl utterly hopeless again two hyphenations here--especially dampshaped-tones if it was dampshape-toned sense me hyphenated are distracting. since ajoining modifiers makes isn't distracting strange weren't around . here irks bit--i am reminded that defined which distracts from description scene here. plus lines seem attempt at instead actual description. does earthen hues stick-heavy about absent-tubers history soft-cheekbone chicory stink-breathes upon release entirely sinking odd hyphenations. know your style play language grammar deviations should enhance meaning imo these aren't helping all. just need sleep or coffee though. do mean breaths as noun plural breathes present tense verb s nourishment hopelessly yam-proof underground tomorrow's ghost-wish disappears lost flesh inside night sidetracked here--really were trying be high-powered compellingly rhythmed piece fine meditative me. repetition sticking heavily my mind. overall much get past some guessing intentional grammatically jarring shifts breaks narration. 85733 cello jude goodwin somedays i don't turn the lights on can't bear to acknowledge their soiled yellow smear and feeble struggles. prefer cello. how many ways can a poet describe rain drear flat relentless grey savage draw single note if were pressing its wood into my bones groan through thighs - oh pain lancet this dawn is time for blood these windows act wet cup while march slaps leaches against glass. play me simple gifts no love just that today. 85734 re other names jude goodwin hi an interesting sonnet and thoughts that many lovers share with the speaker i am sure. luckily we are not 'goods' to be new or used. hopefully this will able get beyond his her control issues - one thing a partner cannot is other's 'private memories' some comments within respectfully feel beneath your skin whispering as you lie asleep don't sound well together something like a-whisper whispers in rooms where can break isn't it 'cannot' private memories keep. sink bodies locked hear voices rise painful noise block transfigure me run through. think has 'transfigures' 'runs' read way through see what mean wish could reach back all folds of time space rip them out make only mine when embrace. verse works best all. solid meter unforced rhyme but still every sings just name mine. final couplet weakest. first doesn't sense. second either voice sing. earlier poem talked about implies name. using word 'still' point often tries avoid due it's double meaning 'still voice' voices' quiet ' continue 85735 re a quick and dirty rewrite jessica a.c. snyder s1 is bit better in the not spoonfeeding direction but it prosaic feel--especially when i arrive once again at those absolutely stellar last two stanzas. language feels like prose with line-breaks placed next to following lines. maybe lose some articles favor for more active or specific description 85736 a message alexander g. rubio just short to all the good people who've left their critiques my poems. i have drive over sweden today and won't be back until late in night or tomorrow norwegian time . so i'll respond at that time. well 85739 re a message jenni from the block alexander in your response to my of crit you said you're new posting poetry forums. thought i'd pass this info along then since may be unaware it. these boards run on principle reciprocity an i-scratch-your-back-you-scratch-mine policy. other words if post poem expectation is that you'll no less than one critique someone else's but really expected ratio 3 crits for every posted. additionally might want refrain more per day---i know some strictly adhere rule. i'm not sure that's case here generally multiple poems day tends flood board. we like give everyone chance have their read and commented on. editor or monitor board i am regular participant so hope overstepping boundaries passing information you. hannah our beloved just stepped down her monitoring duties otherwise she would've by now tapped lightly shoulder smiled informed regarding issues. laurel short all good people who've left critiques poems. drive over sweden today won't back until late night tomorrow norwegian time . i'll respond at time. well 85740 re cello si mon one suggestion change the title to somedays i prefer and then cut first 5 lines. it might be risky start with how many ways but like risk. a few edits suggested below. don't think pain should stay -- made me chuckle. wanted say oh jello rain if you want keep poetic language at poem's finish need consider toning down in middle that makes any sense. this is hard poem pull off since has been done before...but enjoyed your effort. turn lights on can't bear acknowledge their soiled yellow smear feeble struggles. cello. can poet describe drear flat relentless grey savage draw single note were press ing its wood into my bones groan through thighs - lancet dawn time for blood these windows act wet cup while march slaps leaches against glass. play simple gifts no love just today. 85741 re inescapable jesus doppelganger and me si mon hey you sound like my wife i think just channeled the spirit of henny youngman but seriously hear you. not to excuse brevity only get about 45 minutes each day for writing. hence short stuff. guess could use forty five work one piece over many days weeks. also have a attention span. that might write an epic if given year away from regular life probably would lots poems. i've tried working on longer poems -- started series travels cabeza de vaca. it was suppose be 33 parts. finished 4 parts no more. thanks your comments. major complaint want feel been teased here--these characters stellar linguistics depicting them pique interest then disappear. wholly unsatisfying in bring back more way. 85742 re inescapable jesus doppelganger and me si mon thanks -- i like the idea of daring but think you are right it certainly sounds better without dare. appreciate your help. another winner. my aren't busy. one nit is will too tentitive someone has to. excise be perfect. fav this dog-eared love. --barbara s. 85743 re other names david ayers ack this is just banal as hell actually not even a banally imagined --d 85744 re common lights d poor aimee 85745 thanks everyone david ayers i appreciate the good comments on this. agree there ought to me going in terms of language imagery etc. help prop up that central metaphor. was a least initially sense which this supposed be little bit easy. but maybe not so much. --d 85746 re arriving early si mon this is the kind of poem that an enigma wrapped in sweet dough. it ghost a poem. not bad way. first two stanzas read very well. i enjoyed them. last one bit clunky. three ings lines don't help. . where sound conversation approaching footsteps polite laughter discourse continued all way from parking lot but there no here to explain by raising single eyelid or sharing discreet cough ground rules for engagement. you pace room disrupting world ice crystals your touch disembodies. must sense roughness and smoothness at costs more time. possibility things lands squarely on thin shoulders. force yourself stop pacing staring longing door may have walked through outdoors. failing find answers sit back deepest most comfortable armchair knowing full well it's thing should do. geoff leone 85747 the copper pleasure machine sherry a pinball right here in head. launch playfield snap smack points ring up like something spectacular crazy. bing and score. bells i'm fifty. 30 million to go. i can't shake it. force slam tilt tilt. drop hit machine. rough push kick. reset spring around curve again. ding whiz. through out lanes return it's dark everyone screams steel balls at 90 m.p.h. on wavy stomach-wrenching acids ulcer rails wooden spanking boards marked with bad taste perspective of mad people control world. babes arch backwards backlit backglass cartoon purpose. give me another pill. mean ball. want 3 more some kind premium insurance. is there any deal life start pull plunger multiple sensory skill or match luck head toilet flushes open spaces no doors. washed red-eyed focused pop kickout wash your hands-- everything poisoned dong. spinner rapid purpose black numbers click. clock counter. flippers as knives slashed. beer splashed nudging table adjusting inertia leaf switches pendulum bob. timing little corner room my mind. balls. bumpers. just funny. bang back. don't go down drain. 85748 re the copper pleasure machine si mon wow -- this is longest poem i've seen you post. i like it and would love to hear read outloud can almost right now. two things end on timing everything didn't mad people in control of world seemed too easy unless could actually tie more pinball theme artwork get enough a comic feel by phrase arch villains maybe. enjoyed. here head. launch playfield snap smack points ring up something spectacular crazy. bing score. bells i'm fifty. 30 million go. can't shake it. force slam tilt tilt. drop hit machine. rough push kick. reset spring around curve again. ding whiz. through out lanes return it's dark everyone screams steel balls at 90 m.p.h. wavy stomach-wrenching acids ulcer rails wooden spanking boards marked with bad taste perspective world. babes backwards backlit backglass cartoon purpose. give me another pill. mean ball. want 3 some kind premium insurance. there any deal life start pull plunger multiple sensory skill or match luck head toilet flushes open spaces no doors. washed red-eyed focused pop kickout wash your hands-- poisoned dong. spinner rapid purpose black numbers click. clock counter. flippers as knives slashed. beer splashed nudging table adjusting inertia leaf switches pendulum bob. little corner room my mind. balls. bumpers. just funny. bang back. don't go down drain. 85749 re cello barbara silberg not quite there yet. some inline suggestions below. my best. --barbara s. somedays i don't turn the lights on can't bear to acknowledge their soiled yellow smear and feeble struggles. prefer cello. how many ways can a poet describe rain drear flat relentless grey savage draw single note if were pressing its wood into bones groan through thighs - oh pain lancet this dawn is time for blood these windows act wet cup while march slaps leaches against glass. lines work me but maybe they're just too gross taste. another suggestion drawing blood. play simple gifts no love that today. are letdown after stong image above. keep at it. you'll get there. 85750 re arriving early geoff re. early. for si mon. this is the kind of poem that an enigma wrapped in sweet dough. it ghost a poem. not bad way. thanks stopping by. and april fool's day to you best 85751 re other names alexander g. rubio well that was insightful... i have nothing against hard hitting critiques but this is just meaningless in any constructive capacity. there are some people here with a chip on their shoulder the size of mount everest and i'm too old to find sort thing charming anymore. so i'll do only sensible when landing pool piranhas bugger off. 85752 riff 29.1 david halitsky you know that i will endlessly fuck-up cannot control my tendency to piss-off those who willing suck-up keep me down by their ascendancy. and yet stay a constance bonacieux supportive of her reckless d'artagnan with full foreknowledge must bid adieu all had set your hopes upon. but though milady fortune hold accountable more so than for not put in the till hoard riches poverty. how can it be do grow wroth when what tread on is plainest cloth sonnet 29 disgrace men's eyes alone beweep outcast state trouble deaf heaven bootless cries look upon myself curse fate wishing like one rich hope featured him friends possess'd desiring this man's art scope most enjoy contented least these thoughts almost despising haply think thee then lark at break day arising from sullen earth sings hymns heaven's gate thy sweet love remember'd such wealth brings scorn change kings. 85753 re riff 29.1 n.h. another laboriously hand-pumped bucketful of ip colorless mechanical and uninteresting despite its distinguished antecedent. 85754 re riff 29.1 david halitsky hi nh - thanks for stopping by. yes because it is colorless and mechanical many would find uninteresting. you are one of them apparently. best regards 85756 re may 29 antediluvian tuesday david halitsky ash - i think you gotta lose the goldfish and find something else that's baptized perhaps beetles or centipedes. why would be in basement am missing if not they appear as by a deus ex machina. serious here messin around. don't get me wrong thing last two lines are great close that really sound good make reader stop think. this regard regardless of whether it's mind breaking usual rules telling us what meant along with ... understand meaning phrase respect to possessions but about whatever regards 85757 re cello bowen jude always a pleasure to read your work and this is no exception though i do think still needs little whittling get it right. oh pain ick. starts off really slow frankly not that interesting. around line 5 6 gets cooking sexy almost if you know what mean . nix the title. i'd title some days prefer go right into poem like thus cello. how many ways can describe rain drear flat relentless grey savage or draw single note were pressing its wood my bones groan through thighs. lancet dawn time for blood these windows act wet cup while march slaps leaches against glass. play me simple gifts love - just today. 85758 re riff 29.1 very silly person hello david from meung did shakespeare use the word fuck in s29 no. he cursed his fate or face that s a different kettle of fish altogether. you are dragging poetry down to your lowest level. grovelling for attention and brag about sucking up suckers uppers david. nothing crow about. being misogynist recently failed suck fellow male because thought was female but her ip corresponds with another buddha. vsp 85759 a poem with no grief in it si mon s not 1963. still heaven is falcon sky blue rusted chrome push button transmission. how but where and why. the town beach after day butterflying jumbos at bass river fish market. girl tan shoulders fisherman daughter. cheap beer what does matter first second. who counting dreams of tautog for chowder walking flats. his daughter you wedding without sand. ignore drive to get gas watch man maybe 5 years older than rub rag across your windshield as if salt grime might eventually disappear. name on shirt. soon he disappears. aren t interested schedules grief. good carton shouts. yes good. she becomes wife. few her blood talks back resists way three year old exhausted refusing acknowledge sleep. says no. that future now past. big blues eat little blues. deep below something joyful swims out all. 85760 quetzal ctg christopher t george for laurie byro just as a flutters radiance few minutes we met on the jersey wharves opposite where i landed half century earlier-- hoboken shared pizza drank beer talked poetry-- then parted our respective homes. how lit night t. 85761 re a poem with no grief in it bowen si mon i'm iffy on this one. the first strophe and could be me seems just overladen detail after that doesn't really excite but is detail. what i do like are few lines here last three or four. think maybe some streamlining of images order. i'll check back tomorrow see if still for right now that's get when leave here. nice to read you again. your stuff always something enjoy. best s not 1963. heaven falcon sky blue rusted chrome push button transmission. how where why. town beach day butterflying jumbos at bass river fish market. girl tan shoulders fisherman daughter. cheap beer does matter second. who counting dreams tautog chowder walking flats. his daughter wedding without sand. ignore drive gas watch man 5 years older than rub rag across windshield as salt grime might eventually disappear. name shirt. soon he disappears. aren t interested schedules grief. good carton shouts. yes good. she becomes wife. her blood talks resists way year old exhausted refusing acknowledge sleep. says no. future past. big blues eat little blues. deep below joyful swims out all. 85762 asparagus fern ayana noble fine sturdy tentacles of spread out to dangle and sprout twines falls into long sparse thin rows from a medium-sized brown plastic pot sitting on top nearby cement petition the winding vine twists curls cascades like mop hair spilled over edge pillow less bed 85763 medieval swaddling ayana noble for wally this night a of armour rising to clash in the heavens profoundly indiscreet meeting between thor and his opponents swords dancing drums rolling with sweeping sound waves resounding stereophonic vaults heaven. 85764 provocative words ayana noble the dress drapes softly over lean limbs like a gown falling from coat hanger in lengths of vertical folds definition that makes bold statement blackest blue and blood red striking deep yellow verdant green as if monet renoir are resurrected movement street art city 85765 the mug ayana noble dedicated to cats coffee sits cupped in melamine. an effeminate i gave myself for christmas quest find out 'what is this substance melamine all about ' it stains like a well-used worker's rimmed with remnants of hearty days pre ohsa workplace conditions where men worked hard provide families little more than government relief perhaps symbol class or emergence middle australia. movement proletariat shift that thrust them into developing arena hope driven by aspirations and opportunities previously not available everyday man only know going cold 85766 green bird ayana noble in memory of emily dickinson i was walking slowly past the gate when saw a small broken there winged and faltering it stumbled over my heart askew with grief shod compassion for that lives wattle tree singing so loud 85767 mid-air ayana noble in memory of marilyn monroe palm fronds rustle the breeze outside my bedroom window a long full skirt billowing like s revealing glimpse another world out there where harsh dry ground waits for rain to wash it over revive thirsty dying before eyes inside i quietly pray writing page 85768 the pen ayana noble i close my eyes resting above page but a moment in which fall asleep writing automatically retrieving myself like fountain-pen an inkwell to write 85769 cool rushing winds ayana noble villanelle the long slow breath of rubbing against barren sky melodic chimes a scale running not breaking sound silence behind half-concealed blind hot from burning midday sun like spouse returning to his lover caressing womb earth anew day sweeps into arena at play rising velocity forceful conductor orchestrating wagner 85770 moll flanders ayana noble what gives me the impression that has red hair she is thick set and laughing buxom ruddy a complexion 85771 hanging ayana noble naked at night upside down in a tree. 85772 in memory of chrsitopher brennan 1 ayana noble christopher storm-tossed tempestuous sea despairing opening the door his shut heart cries out to god heaven bottle broken by side affliction emptied like sin closing all is lost when love gone and dying haunting grave crying tears that stream rivers run o er cheeks ah my child your trial was great here living how a sacrifice made for giving. 85773 in memory of christopher brennan 2 ayana noble a restless heart and burning separate two-fold yearning for her face gold asunder wandering through the grainy sands no trace footsteps running from other land o wild untamed apart locked out by loves own hand far distant alienated dying madly i writhe where is beloved may never see again 85774 delicate grace ayana noble beauty take my hand and walk with me through lush forests where love laughter resound like bells swept up kissed by natures o you are no stranger who guideth into the depths of creation pools in eyes if i dare not deem to live 85775 yesterday ayana noble october 30th 1983 the thick gray blanket almost violet falls heavily beyond window it stretches and drapes sheet-like spreading to ground is a wall between distant ghosts me scurry of life hems in rain covers my life. 85776 drying sheet ayana noble a wide shaft of light pours forth like road onto the blue page dark ink scrawled and wet drawn in margins narrow edge eternally imprinted stain dries barely visible on dry sheet. 85777 ceasura ayana noble the pause like an epistemic break running on from line to regulating rhythm tension a tightrope moving feet metre by end scansion measured manipulating loops ending beginning merge meaning endlessly re-appearing in gradual revelation final point of illumination feast upon table ink undertones groaning overtones scored musical margins edge pace beat. 85778 river of ink ayana noble the score an arrangement moving shaped by a zigzags over blue page line and space composition eye ear aligned to hear grouped rhythm lined sound written word text resounds life 85779 the form ayana noble caricature you see an image exaggerated like a mellow bull roar in deserted street representing certain definable location time and place stretched out crooked barbed wire bent fallen to ground shells strewn broken forming coarse mat of irregular patterns that mirror thinking is not image. 85780 lizard man ayana noble cultural symbolism when mangar-kunjer-kunja stood like adam in the dreaming self-existing numbakulla shaped a myriad flycatchers manga-kunjer-kunja sleeping giant breathes centuries don t you climb all over him it s climbing person 85781 aurierre pensee ayana noble the hermit writing sits like an old man in a dry season searching memory of eliot and pound finding none but roar not-so-distant 2-stroke engine barely audible half concealed by wind gaining strength as it kicks up over dusty roads st lawrence thirsting for rain i search again words consonants once known faded into yesteryear smell stale eucalyptus on cloth tucked away corner recalling only presence word not where wonder are those vowels strung skillfully together artists who live between pages my sleeping waking move towards thought behind attempt at knowing - more. 85782 violet sky ayana noble for brian the vast infinite bursts like a childs red balloon sunset exploding in myriad colors kaleidoscopic sea of change yawning mirrored 85783 violet sky ayana noble villanelle in memory of edith knight she stoked the fire early morn made tea an earthen pot clay breakfast now is gone carried away by angels borne to loftier heights her spirit at play dark shadows stretch across lawn heavenly light intrudes gray a ghost life and death haunt soft move wordless sparks dawn misty chill another day timeless page from earth torn 85784 re quetzal ctg ayana noble great visual imagery 85785 rain wall ayana noble social realism the slanted approaches like blades on an army tank clearing road of debris human hot and smelling blood limbs torn from torso bleeding bodies babies barely born open by bullets shrapnel lay wrapped in flag mourners waiting to pray martyrs into jannah where mohammedan salats rise up above age old lote tree rounding ghost-white houri lovers brothers as i walk against biting my face presence adversary pull hijab closer covering breast run for shelter there are no only walls washing earth clean. _________________________________________________ this poem won 1st prize bauhinia literary awards 2004. tertiary student poetry . 85786 re riff 29.1 very silly person david you should accept that confusion is a valid reason to reject your work if reviewer says there confusion. may need revise or will continue think it's all perfectly clear. the publication which submit certainly spot irregularities immediately and be rejected. choice yours have chosen re-submit every one of poems unchanged into multiple workshops. we do not publish has already been printed elsewhere due appear in book form near future. hudson review 684 park avenue new york ny 10021 read between lines submission guidelines at most online ezines they are opinion least sliding towards submitting workshop exactly same as publishing hence instructions given above by hr. ultimately loser serious about developing writing skills. really whistling man these workshops then with nonchalance but don t mislead people continually telling them recognized publication. vsp 85787 thanks for stopping by. david halitsky if you are correct vsp then i am surprised that poetry journals do not adopt the attitude of academic it doesn't matter how often topic a submitted paper has been presented in talk or poster form at conferences - neither constitutes publication unless proceedings conference formally published and distributed. as far why post so to get good tweaks which make tight piece tighter. have yet such gaz twb but there is no reason shouldn't keep trying. long within bounds posting frequency prescribed by board. best regards 85788 egomania 101a dmjones to the survivors of block hannah has been replaced by egocentrics in sad form halitsky and ayana noble. moving finger writes having writ moves on. omar was right - i'm dennis 85789 re thanks for stopping by. very silly person david it doesn't matter how often the topic of a submitted paper has been presented in talk or poster form at conferences - neither constitutes publication unless proceedings conference are formally published and distributed. above still stands you can read from your script as many venues wish. i am only passing onto what have told by publishers that my poems even rough drafts constitute barred entering draft however times evolved into particular publication. yes they do check found to cost. fuming not with any rule but myself own stupidity. s reason anonymity. so being dictatorial where now. way don t agree last about an egomaniac this board. wish all best. kicking myself. kind regards vsp 85790 re egomania 101a very silly person whatever you say ash bowen funky one punky bruiser. are free to flood all the other boards now 85791 well look at it this way david halitsky if i submit will subscribe and thereby better myself spiritually as the journal financially. so what hey. thanks for note which found both gracious kind. best regards 85792 re thanks for stopping by. jessica ac snyder as far why i post do so to get good tweaks which make a tight piece tighter. have yet such at the gaz or twb but there is no reason shouldn't keep trying. implying that efforts of people who take time carefully read consider and respond length are basically useles you trying give little want waste on not welcome apreciated. am reading completely wrong certainly hope so. otherwise might seriously reassess ever defending again. 85793 i'm sorry for any unintentional offense david halitsky jessica - there was nothing new in my statement. it just iterated what i said our previous discussion about how maybe posters should indicate degree and level of crit they are seeking e.g tweaking as opposed to full replacement conceits etc. when posted 29.1 actually forgot interchange on this matter you're correct have only please . thanks raising the point hope clarification sits ok with you. best regards 85794 re i'm sorry for any unintentional offense very silly person davey you are as slippery an eel. should be a politician. always manage to say what the customer consumer wants hear. kind regards vsp 85795 1 nay not so 2 re anonymity david halitsky vsp - i was being disingenuous please see my post at p n which just put out there. i'm dyin' here. promise will preserve your anonymity. email is legit dhalitsky cumulativeinquiry.com come clean identity. best regards 85796 re egomania 101a christopher t george to the survivors of block hannah has been replaced by egocentrics in sad form halitsky and ayana noble. moving finger writes having writ moves on. omar was right - i'm dennis hi i don't blame you. have suggested that we move a password only board hope when do you will find yourself able return. all my best chris 85797 re 1 nay not so 2 anonymity very silly person david i just realized what you said. only need minor tweaking of sonnet 29.1 have chosen the three musketeers as your baseline. all well and good but used fuck-up piss-off suck-up in first lines. thought somebody had posted this a dare ignored it until replied to reviewer. post into erato stands. wouldn't dare. last two lines are clumsily constructed order adhere pentameter. is growing wroth like cannabis when pretty bad too. how can happen that feel no tread upon plainest cloth more natural sounding phrase could make work by substituting trochees has put kybosh on regular ip. note email addy. shall try communicate promising once retrieve my passwords were eaten something. kind regards vsp 85798 re egomania 101a jacob hi dennis i don't blame you. have suggested that we move to a password only board and hope when do you will find yourself able return. all my best chris perhaps being more strict is need. could start by deleting huge series of posts ayana noble. also threads or are outside the guidelines would not be bad idea. complain if delete degenerate into arguments at least off-topic in threads. just few ideas. 85799 re egomania 101a dmjones hello chris thanks for the reply. a format that enables an editor to keep out trash would be most welcome and i love participate should happen. before sign off - all work you annmarie hannah have done around here it was wonderful while lasted. regards dennis hi don't blame you. suggested we move password only board hope when do will find yourself able return. my best 85800 re cello geoff re. for jude. my first impression was that this really looked like a poem -- but alas there are several senses to is contraption of words. all those somedays and how many ways bunch rhetorical jump-starts in they pile up visibly most the way. until piece goes haywire at oh pain empties house. maybe you should turn something light fluffy flute best 85801 re the copper pleasure machine geoff re. for sherry. i read a few pinball pieces last week and wonder about it. another prizewinner yet there is none i've seen that any substitute an electronic game. or just simply hitting oneself on head with rubber mallet like in old movies. ah yes true experience best 85802 re egomania 101a bowen whatever you say ash funky one punky bruiser. are free to flood all the other boards now i don't know what this supposed mean but why e-mail me and we'll figure it out. 85803 re containers geoff re. for asher. in-lines. my desk is a cupboard mother s things. it or can't be both. only the coffee mugs and their brunette rings belong to me. of course nonsense. deep in newspaper story boy missing two days. he old yellow picture now but back then they said was fair. if holds an image same person this impossible. not not-a. afraid his threats loop tooth knob slam door. hid until men found him folded into himself teeth chattering dark. use reaching mad proportions at home she hugged neck crook her arm tugged loose front everyone there. with others pile white pickling jar like milk that gone sour. one accepts notion many won't child will hide out dark days rather than have removed piece still messy poorly written unimaginative. best 85804 already posted to erato david halitsky in the 8.1 thread as a replacement for 73.1 so no need dare. djh 85805 re containers bowen geoff i'm sure asher would love it if you stop confusing his much better works with mine. thanks for stopping by and reading. re. asher. in-lines. my desk is a cupboard mother s things. or can't be both. only the coffee mugs their brunette rings belong to me. of course nonsense. he old yellow in picture now but back then they said was fair. holds an image same person this impossible. not not-a. use reaching mad proportions one accepts notion many won't that child will hide out dark two days rather than have tooth removed piece still messy poorly written unimaginative. best 85806 re containers revised bowen annmarie sorry for the length of time it has taken me to respond you. thanks read and suggestions. they're greatly appreciated. best 85807 re containers revised bowen jessica thanks for the read and commetns. much appreciated. i've been going back forth with these two i must say outside of actually prefer first version. there seemed less prosody more meaty poetry there. i'm too tired think to grasp a tangible explanation force it into writing as why. but perhaps tommorrow if you care may be able elaborate. 85808 i consider couplet replacement a tweak . david halitsky and will it. but like the close with nod to wby's he wishes for cloths of heaven had heavens' embroidered enwrought golden silver light blue dim dark night half-light would spread under your feet being poor have only my dreams tread softly because you on dreams. so i'll think matter if wanna keep ...plainest cloth in there. geez - finally got some crit out you. 85809 re already posted to erato very silly person dh no - w a y i don't see it yet. lately it's been taking 2 hours for posts show. post there btw another clue you. regards vsp 85810 no - not in a deepend top post david halitsky it's deep end main or post. one of my posts inside the sonnet 8.1. thread been there since thursday as i recall. best djh 85811 re no - not in a deepend top post very silly person david it's deep end main or post. one of my posts inside the sonnet 8.1. thread been there since thursday as i recall. found it nobody has commented specifically on and that s good sign. don t think they have realized you substituted 29.1 for 73.1. people sometimes start reading with last-read alternative penultimate line only gives 4 beats so can use lines verbatim. was merely guideline to smooth out reading. better stop now before get booted out. regards vsp 85812 re a poem with no grief in it si mon thanks bowen -- i did catch typo this cartoon not carton will keep working on it. don't suppose get much help here site seems to be suffering hannah-blues or something. appreciate you giving look --s. 85813 re rain wall annmarie eldon your poem s may have won prizes - however the purpose of posting here is to be open receive criticism and in return post critiques others' poems. board etiquette that you resrtict posts i would not expect more than one posted per day at maximum then only if are prepared give three others return. thank you. 85815 re egomania 101a robinson caruso hello chris thanks for the reply. a format that enables an editor to keep out trash would be most welcome and i love participate should happen. before sign off - all work you annmarie hannah have done around here it was wonderful while lasted. regards dennis perhaps ilana didn't know rules of board. jump from 'over posting' being called 'trash' is mighty big leap maybe i'm reading this thread wrong but if not -- its see go-- mojones as in my book your poetry qualifies time somewhat elementary point who decides what always look on bright side life da ta dat tatatatta toot al oo 85816 our 3 ibpc poems announced p n michael mv http www.webdelsol.com bbs zineweb zineweb.cgi read 10821 85817 re egomania 101a ayana noble thank you for defaming me by calling trash. give some time to look into it. hello chris thanks the reply. a format that enables an editor keep out trash would be most welcome and i love participate should happen. before sign off - all work annmarie hannah have done around here it was wonderful while lasted. regards dennis 85818 re egomania 101a ayana noble dennis i donot deserve to be abused by you for one. came in here give some of my recent writing criticised learn from work and the so-called expertise which seems not exist others. didnot come target abuse or ridicule particularly when these things are true character. survivors block hannah has been replaced egocentrics sad form halitsky noble. moving finger writes having writ moves on. omar was right - i'm 85819 re egomania 101a ayana noble and you pride yourselves this site dennis i donot deserve to be abused by for one. came in here give some of my recent writing criticised learn from work the so-called expertise which seems not exist others. didnot come target abuse or ridicule particularly when these things are true character. 85820 re egomania 101a ayana noble firstly i didnot know the rules and since have been abused in this manner it would pay to look further into it. did nothing warrant being if anyone deserves by another human. that restrict my posts was a crime. well..it's nice knowing here are such worthy people world. 85821 be seeing you ought to proud of this site i would say that board is all about power-over abuse innocence ostracization and discrimination not exlusion. being you. 85822 re egomania 101a robinson caruso and you pride yourselves this site i really do just hate to stick my big calla lily nose in here again but actually -- is a great for serious crit if your seriously lookin it not more perspicuous than hannah c.'s on the face of planet say so meself nothing elegant from annmarie that's one two three four sorry mispelling name no disrespect intended regards 85823 re be seeing you ought to proud of this s robinson caruso i would say that board is all about power-over abuse innocence ostracization and discrimination not exlusion. being you. true boo hoo no. really. def. one the more 'even' sites around moderators have a healthy sense tolerance yet tooooooooo i've personally gotten some really excellent crit here no only pushed certain poem or there but put in bigger context 'poetry' -- where wanted go with it for free imagine now mighty fine prospect given nature capitalism thisee system ain't rc cola full 85824 signs te ballard a newspaper says the eyes of god were found in cumquat. i looked at newborn s face expecting to see meaning but only white my milk sits on her lips. it took three days say nothing all while baby breast sucking and still nothing. was late we ate rice table your fortune said truth speak do not love you almost like telling what will stay then did begin faces saints bowl fruit. peter sweet lips side pear jesus never came one just disciples worms. 85825 re eating potatoes by the light... te ballard forgive me for playing with this t light it's like black-bread being moved into brown space sometimes all faces show movement.dampshaped-tones. when familiar complexion resemble no sooner will silence witness a girl utterly hopeless now it is exaggerating about tubers history s language to nourishment hopelessly yam-proof 85826 oh for god's sake jenn you posted -- what 22 poems all at once. and didn't know that was the least rude please. would walk into a workshop hand out to group ask crit of each one do go online workshops not check way things work before posting rules in your case saturating board it should be simple common sense isn't done . as well dennis did say trash. read he wrote. abused good lord take some personal responsibility. firstly i didnot since have been this manner pay look further it. nothing warrant being if anyone deserves by another human. restrict my posts crime. well..it's nice knowing here are such worthy people world. 85828 re be seeing you ought to proud of this s nm ya fucking retard cunts 85829 re be seeing you ought to proud of this s jessica ac snyder ayana i personally e-mailed almost immediately after flooded the board and politely respectfully warned that unless deleted some your posts gave non-prefunctory responses more than one person would viewed as at best rude worst malicious. told assumed made an honest mistake did not want see get treated a selfish or threatening parriah. have misfortune making error in judgement during tense times so it looks like didn't benifit doubt by many others here. makes me think they were far off base assuming worst. regardless annemarie also posted notice here several hours ago warning needed take actions change what you'd done nothing--neither any nor critiqued poems other quicky kudo person's thread. now instead apologizing for could then been seen new posting remedying hurl insults invectives imply there is nothing worthwile wish how look those who something invested site come constructive mutually benificial interaction. please note when go on whatever find next no serious about encouraging artistic growth community will respond kindly flooding system with over twenty hour only most token poetry. if people from time warn are stomping all ettiquette do yourself favor believing them acting accordingly hurling childish every damn right reason offensive. honestly why maliciously intrusive 85830 gday everyone some contmep work for yas contemporary cyber poetry c www.webdelsol.htm n style 'font-size 7.5pt font-family ms sans serif ' an independent anthology of all fabulous fiction founded in 1975 as a quarterly it has grown into 450-page book international stories. o. henry and best are always eyeing this one. sq publishes full range styles forms. painted bride is premiere literary magazine that both emerging established writers from around the world. pbq does not limit itself terms voice school or genre but strives to represent individual however traditional exploratory may be. posse review ipr's mission simple. intends publish on net well nurture who create 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context ten weeks michael neff walter cummins tlr cost 425.00 info c-in-progress agent alex glass tm 595.00 ii portfolio revision notes digest strange food writer thought papa hacking people off again lack canadian sex british pen civil war living hell more. interview noah lukeman. his clients multiple pushcart finalists edgar pacific rim york times bestsellers journalists major celebrities universities ranging harvard stanford. okay got top agency nyc trident media fdu mfa program organizer former editor join faculty. click class above information. charles salzberg workshop. typical day involves reading evaluating manuscripts while trying find time own work. unlike dedicated he finds even when isn't actually writing. interviews chris coake todd pierce life. deborah grosvenor. at nip she acquired edited several hundred nonfiction books although her best-known acquisition was first hunt red october tom clancy. university orleans chosen provide its publication-focused categories 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appropriate. solid environment. shops classrooms student understand software commands. point mouse home free perpetual log-in. duration log-on anywhere 24 7. unequalled workshops. method because structure narrative enhancement guides. core dramatic complication theme primary elements upon which character plot build. powerful original novelists. here list. sample material. course foundation designed poet ground up step-by-stepping basics progresses. novel. begun started before end already restructure appropriate based write develop masterful story-in-progress through suitable drafts applying ever complex levels towards developing publishing longer length short. dates apr 18-jun 10 sessions bios af model-and-context work-in-progress lesson environment techniques wide variety goal teachers few invented lessons explore ways created legacy vigorous enduring fiction. developmental readings assignments same apply it. drop email call office 703-262-0969.please below. registration payment acceptance. application acceptance wish use credit card send check certified mail 2020 pennsylvania avenue nwsuite 443washington d.c. 20006. emeritus professor english fairleigh dickinson review. approximately 100 kansas voices crosscurrents florida south carolina virginia collections titled witness live. early career stranger deed temptation came out paperback originals. memoirs essays articles reviews. leader editor-in-chief founder director webdelsol.com writer's 50 press. webdelsol including diagram petite zine north mudlark west pittsburgh conjunctions 2001 served finalist judge. currently ficiton producers. prep emphasis preparing publication. advanced produce polish three normal-length 3000-1500 words 500 less rigorous demanding beginners. admitted must taken possess least credits. instructor-led generated content. completion target markets. nearly within months 85831 gday everyone some contmep work for yas contemporary cyber poetry c www.webdelsol.htm workshops havetype hidden name amount value 425.00 action https www.paypal.com cgi-bin webscr method post border 0 alt secure payment via paypal of instructor found above src http webdelsol.com algonkian classes space.gif 2020 pennsylvania avenue nw suite 443 washington d.c. 20006. mso-padding-alt 0cm 0cm' auto' purchase.gif submit new.jpg following workshop acceptance and if you do not wish to use a credit card please send check by certified mail wds cip ii bio mso-margin-bottom-alt auto text-align center' height 3 id _x0000_i1177 summer 2005 schedules upcoming style 'font-size 7.5pt font-family arial' web del sol ave. 20006 phone 703-262-0969 bullet2.gif craft-in-progress color a60000' emphasis on hook structure craft market cost 10.0pt apr 18-jun 25 05 10 sessions i students coordinate with us. registration due acceptance. arial 493f3f' width 300 7 _x0000_i1165 bullet.gif all dates enctype application x-www-form-urlencoded 3washington 20006algonkian 85832 re gday everyone some contmep work for yas contemporary cyber poetry wooo..oops jesus f christ what happened ot me friggin poem following workshop acceptance and if you do not wish to use a credit card please send check by certified mail 425.00 wds algonkian cip ii 2020 pennsylvania avenue nw suite 443 washington d.c. 20006. bio of instructor found above summer 2005 schedules upcoming web del sol workshops ave. 20006 webdelsol.com phone 703-262-0969 craft-in-progress emphasis on hook structure craft market cost apr 18-jun 25 05 10 sessions i students coordinate with us. registration due acceptance. all dates 3washington 20006algonkian 85833 re be seeing you ought to proud of this s jessica ac snyder know there was no actual character assassination per se. as i stated earlier arrived during some tenser times with a bit infighting and caught the edge schrapnel. had responded maturity remedied your missteps would viewed an innocent victim nothing more than great zealous desire share her work--a good thing. unfortunately screaming retard cunts whining that idea how behave in public forum is much damaging profile it by own hand painted ugly immature. pity that. poetry isn't half bad. but i'll genuinely surprised if anyone really wishes placate wounded pride once have revealed yourself. were delete self-centered outrightly insulting posts before others saw them might chance at redeeming something tells me can expect yelling about didn't now don't care because you've suffered chafracter you'll suffer for life. it's internet dear not worldwide cable news channel. you'd behaved like adult or least juvenile level discernment who justifiably offended enthusiasm-bred mistake recanted. insults boardful people said against one person lumped behavior other offensive way undo any damage may suffered. highly suggest unless want such horrid associated name--a thing likely influence future boards person's hasty depiction. 85834 yer mama need to wash mouth out with soap nm robinson caruso 85835 re signs robinson caruso a newspaper says the eyes of god were found in cumquat. i looked at newborn s face expecting to see meaning but only white my milk sits on her lips. it took three days say nothing all while baby breast sucking and still nothing. was late we ate rice table your fortune said truth speak do not love you almost like telling what will stay then did begin faces saints bowl fruit. peter sweet lips side pear jesus never came one just disciples worms. oh cool think should go with colostrum though which is crystal clear minor detail suppose 85836 re after our conversation revision i jessica ac snyder testing 85838 bogus posts trojans worms etc annmarie eldon it is possible for the same person to post not just under different names but from disguised internet addresses. these also contain computer viruses so your own protection please do open anything if looks suspicious. meanwhile we are doing what can remedy situation. 85839 re signs tangy my milk is off-white. - seriously t i liked this--maybe some stanza breaks to slow it down a bit newspaper says the eyes of god were found in cumquat. looked at newborn s face expecting see meaning but only white sits on her lips. took three days say nothing all while baby breast sucking and still nothing. was late we ate rice table your fortune said truth speak do not love you almost like telling what will stay then did begin faces saints bowl fruit. peter sweet lips side pear jesus never came one just disciples worms. 85840 re i consider couplet replacement a tweak . very silly person hi dave oh lummee you startled me don t usually look in p n. if the truth were known didn know of its existence. yes like new final couplet. but people will be unwilling to read much further than fuck-up piss-off and suck-up. need apply some decorum such as that endlessly foul-up cannot control my tendency rattle those who willing reward keep down by their ascendancy. yet stay constance bonacieux supportive her reckless d'artagnan with full foreknowledge must bid adieu all had set your hopes upon. sonnet 29.1 at eratosphere no - it's not deep end main or top post. one posts inside 8.1. thread been there since thursday recall. found it erato nobody has commented specifically on s good sign. think they have realized substituted for 73.1. kindest regards vsp 85841 re the copper pleasure machine te ballard title rocks though i do wish it was a metaphor for sex lol. would end as zola suggested this be good reading piece. re. sherry. read few pinball pieces last week and wonder about it. another prizewinner yet there is none i've seen that any substitute an electronic game. or just simply hitting oneself on head with rubber mallet like in old movies. ah yes true experience best geoff 85842 re bogus posts trojans worms etc slosh annmarie download agc --it is free on the web-- no time limit and it outweighs norton. fast updates quickly all emails- i paid good money for norton put tip-- you wont know yourself once in-- 85843 searching for the gravity wave and big bang slosh hidden in dark of it. it lit a spark without blink living as did there never learned to look or stare so when glint erupted look-ed down found toe protruding eerie glow saw move rush hit with handy brush knew was hand that showed up from open air into its ears came sound sure enough voice but understanding sheltered deep inside brain only seconds lively glimmer poet muse began simmer. suppose suppose. something something-- rose. 85844 re searching for the gravity wave and big ba very silly person slosh line 1 - 8th couplet has 5 stresses in an otherwise tetrameter poem. that o nly se conds live ly glim mer poet muse began to simmer. alternative where only seconds through glimmer on sec onds vsp 85845 re bogus posts trojans worms etc annmarie eldon i have symnatec panda avast and avg so thanks for the tip... there's nothing stops loonies keepin' on tryin' though - 85846 re bogus posts trojans worms etc robinson caruso it is possible for the same person to post not just under different names but from disguised internet addresses. these also contain computer viruses so your own protection please do open anything if looks suspicious. meanwhile we are doing what can remedy situation. annmarie hi how know 'suspicious' i click on almost everything at melic there a way tell subject line something 'bogus' help much appreciated -- got woes enough rc 85847 re bogus posts trojans worms etc annmarie eldon well you're free to click on anything at any time of course. but generally the 'convention' here you can see if look down threads. as a rule thumb 'silly' names and or threads containing silly - these are usually where one person is 'talking' himslef herself attract attention. also 'banner' headlines instead usual post beginning simply 're ' so on. obviously out tripe use your intelligence. enough poems you'll get know people who regularly want give regular criticism others. me make it sound like boot camp be it. i think then an intelligent figure out. yourself some sensible computer protection perhaps discrimination what it's mind computer. good luck. 85848 re arriving early annmarie eldon i sense a shift in your poetry. don't know. could be wrong. but something intuitive. this is very controlled piece throughout and i'm still examining how you achieved it. would only make one small change line cut towards the end - unless might like to explain me technical reasons for why it as . where sound of conversation approaching footsteps polite laughter discourse continued all way from parking lot there no here by raising single eyelid or sharing discreet cough ground rules engagement. pace room disrupting world ice crystals touch disembodies. must roughness smoothness at costs more time. possibility things lands squarely on thin shoulders. force yourself stop pacing staring longing door may have walked through outdoors. failing find answers sit back deepest most comfortable armchair knowing full well it's last thing should do. geoff leone surely that which begins 'knowing full' best with 'last thing' not asking defend simply explain. 85849 slosh - you are a poetic snob nm very silly person 85850 thank you-- message inside slosh der 85851 re eating potatoes by the light... ryan thanks t. - i kept first strophe but thinned out a lot based on your eye smile 85852 re eating potatoes by the light... ryan hi - thx for trying to look at this i tend be over-heavy-handed on my first passes always feel have more say than is required thanks questioning it capitalized brabant and a lot of were removed partly te reco. much 85853 re bogus posts trojans worms etc robinson caruso well you're free to click on anything at any time of course. but generally the 'convention' here you can see if look down threads. as a rule thumb 'silly' names and or threads containing silly - these are usually where one person is 'talking' himslef herself attract attention. also 'banner' headlines instead usual post beginning simply 're ' so on. obviously out tripe use your intelligence. enough poems you'll get know people who regularly want give regular criticism others. me make it sound like boot camp be it. i think then an intelligent figure out. yourself some sensible computer protection perhaps discrimination what it's mind computer. good luck. annmarie j reoah siamese cat thank which does not qualify name -- there difference between downright creative yah btw happened ya miss muffet suddenly weird stuff going must have missed something big 85854 re the woman speaks ryan i just wanted to offer a few quick comments crits not sure about offering reader any insight into emotions of god i.e hung his head in lament . especially ending line on which breaks with implication death lifeless 'ness. would consider using indef. article instead - since is so specific it seems yell-out this me biblical loose epigraph didnt feel fit even if poem based loosely or tight. tone too distant knew where are you what do know now past tense write lends itself idea that going provide something gained by knowledge but kinda fails was waiting for bang ended repitition mother. reason opening seemed editorial 85855 re signs ryan i liked this - but agree it needs something to break up for your consideration a newspaper says the eyes of god were found in cumquat. and either read on or cried studied newborn s face expecting see meaning only white my milk sits her lips. took three days say nothing all while baby breast sucking still nothing. was late we ate rice off table fortune said truth speak do not love you almost like forcing prayer will stay did begin faces saints bowl fruit peter sweet lips side pear jesus never came just disciples then worms ------------- direction would have go reminded me pretty cool poem unpleasant event schedule well at least part 1 i'll share really felt too pulled gravitated towards making exactly one... ---- two philosophical models by leonard gontarek one find note meatloaf don't want be looked men their hands. look around restaurant. women beautiful smiling. think discovered meaning. waitress wakes from reverie is starting rain maybe should bring in. unusual he had say. seemed unusual. after wallace stevens. his thoughts unfinished. some titles lecture philosophy. poetry. seashells. wandered subjects man with perfect speech head who through deep psychological fear gets asking woman out. abruptly announced reading over guess taking now. words sounds motor engaging spreading out arms running down aisle. 85856 re arriving early geoff re. early. for annemarieeldon. a central thing in beginning piece is to sense its ending. it sounds funny many that the first one should grasp how end but not far from fact. why this ending there was nothing else possible. alternately provided all necessity necessary. best p.s. truth i stole my little sister's diary. locked of course she so scared losing has copies lying around everywhere.... says hi shift your poetry. don't know. could be wrong. something intuitive. very controlled throughout and i'm still examining you achieved it. would only make small change line cut towards - unless might like explain me technical reasons as surely which begins 'knowing full' full with 'last thing' asking defend simply explain. annmarie 85857 re signs william te i haven't decided on this yet.. think the first three lines should be deferred to later in poem somehow.. also breast sucking can go much prefer more sublime image of milk infant lips- latter seems redundant and less suitable poem's interests .. there is something like here but it's teetering as yet cheers bill a newspaper says eyes god were found cumquat. looked at newborn s face expecting see meaning only white my sits her lips. it took days say nothing all while baby still nothing. was late we ate rice table your fortune said truth speak do not love you almost telling what will stay then did begin faces saints bowl fruit. peter sweet lips side pear jesus never came one just disciples worms. 85859 re be seeing you ought to proud of this s tim quess i should have known better than even bother looking- if was editing i'd delete run quite useless information that amounts just a bad advertisement and turn off totally lacking any desire look further after reading bunch is allowed z would say board all about power-over abuse innocence ostracization discrimination not exlusion. being you. 85860 re the copper pleasure machine annmarie eldon i read your poem a while back on bad day and decided to leave it alone... once wrote with 'toilet' in it's blessing see hear word from time time. beats bathroom any of week. expression 'going down pan' came mind. brave piece. must be having better day. 85861 notes on franz ryan a. he can see how your skeleton rattles. b. felt severe. c. the cat's fire d. again. e. never attacked children or elderly. f. could disappear . g. even when situation called for an appearance. h. often wore nothing but a pair of argyle. i. socks and moccasins. j. gloom trainyards. k. foreign kid. l. private body. m. borne in snakehole. n. died sanitarium choking old teeth smiling. o. if was only illusion. p. liked to keep things. q. spic-and-span. r. is mataphor salamander insect visionary. s. sometimes stayed home penning moustaches across quivering lips magazine models. book report 85862 fetch peer gynt tell me go and i will fetch. but first you've got to cock your arm in a direction can tell. so many kinds of sticks are. littering this ancient lawn it isn't now never has been job clean up. help you dig up ginseng. sniff out root the hollows where they look for instead it. - is any wonder cannot be available us all them. there are more each year. when find that have bring man-shaped press gently against hand. then sit patiently wait till hand opens let know accepted 85863 re signs geoff re. for t.e.ballard perhaps one should read a better quality paper there are bunch of premises in this and some them might lead to something but their present organization could mean anything. cross my palm with silver muchaca. newspaper says the eyes god were found cumquat. i looked at newborn s face expecting see meaning only white milk sits on her lips. it took three days say nothing all while baby breast sucking still nothing. was late we ate rice table your fortune said truth speak do not love you almost like telling what will stay then did begin faces saints bowl fruit. peter sweet lips side pear jesus never came just disciples worms. 85864 bloggin' with babylonian bologna robinson michael caruso where have al l the poems gone to 85865 re a poem with no grief in it geoff re. discernable poetry it. for si mon. lot of this happened then that pieces today. if episode meant anything to you evades me or its expression. means so little form perhaps the reader should go on something more urgency and color best s not 1963. still heaven is falcon sky blue rusted chrome push button transmission. how but where why. town beach after day butterflying jumbos at bass river fish market. girl tan shoulders fisherman daughter. cheap beer what does matter first second. who counting dreams tautog chowder walking flats. his daughter wedding without sand. ignore drive get gas watch man maybe 5 years older than rub rag across your windshield as salt grime might eventually disappear. name shirt. soon he disappears. aren t interested schedules grief. good carton shouts. yes good. she becomes wife. few her blood talks back resists way three year old exhausted refusing acknowledge sleep. says no. future now past. big blues eat blues. deep below joyful swims out all. 85866 re it would have embarrassed you geoff re. if i d said for head on the block. a lot of conventions are dug up here but action remains confined to what is going in my which not much. and sad sense longing. this must be easier write than read. best spring tropes references nature epidemic net today. might wiser touch them without work gloves. that ghost window s just cloud looking down as rake spring-soft yard each blade still tentative emerges into green after winter long reclusion. last night roamed dark being shut so forgotten stars moths dogs barking at moon or hear themselves. warm wind nearly knocked me over. surely how lazarus felt. when read poem promises love perennial grass laughed until choked gasped. then closed book turned light out. raking too hard pulling sod. scowl tell everything do wrong tear lawn apart. loved dad. miss you. 85867 re bloggin' with babylonian bologna ryan i would cut the to and punctuation then you have something - a gigantic hole in middle where missing poems live cute. thanks for sharing 85868 re bloggin' with babylonian bologna ryan also maybe remove some letters - e's suck imho wher hav al l th poems gon 85869 re fetch ryan welcome to the board - unless you are a long-time vet. i dont recog. nice meet anyway ---- this had stream-of-conscious 'ness feel it sometimes good bad sounded purpose 'ful 'ly abstract mask something on speaker's mind is speaker being unec. too loyal painful relationship submission versus remission if so draw that out. substitute in more concrete needs one or two thoughts ground anchor down. few line breaks 'root' followed by 'it up' which turns directions but overall weren't doing their work like type of writing messy feelings think language didnt support mess would reco combing through and give run-away-train racey seem be going speakers eager-to-please mind. i.e. tell me first cock out your arm towards obvious history etc.... -- maybe well done with care than did bit erratic direction everything for matter shhh. thx sharing great hope was some help real sharks will come around helpful ideas 85870 becoming henny youngman si mon each week victoria catalogues her wispy secrets in my red mail box. it s hard to be sexy with boogers on the bathroom wall portraits taped wood paneling. that me midget just one arm three chunky fingers pointing skyward dressed like an unmade bed. wife of course is big-hearted hips match. when she puts lace not punch line she's after. you might say i m avoiding love. perhaps beneath whispers passion are simple undergarments. doctor have a ringing ear. don t answer. 85871 re bogus posts trojans worms etc geoff for the editors does this mean that admit writer's block has due to circumstances they cannot control become a circus travesty and every man himself now is not comforting read. reminds me of these infamous websites where editor spends hours holding long conversations on technical matters with his aliases. qed reminded at times. it still up best possible same person post just under different names but from disguised internet addresses. also contain computer viruses so your own protection please do open anything if looks suspicious. meanwhile we are doing what can remedy situation. annmarie 85872 re fetch peer gynt hi ryan - thanks for your reactions concerning feel and theme . i hadn't thought of it exactly the way you did but yes you're right. this piece is about a kind relationship. by as long we're posting here i'm assuming franz was kafka. if that's not true please let me know so don't embarass myself when say something it. pg 85873 re fetch ryan it was really about my great grandma franz kafkette kidding - yer is him loosely a quick write and i am open to ways make more interesting accurate or less either no matter 85874 edit ryan if it deserves one... ------------------ booknotes franz a. he can see how your skeleton rattles b. feels severe c. cat's on fire d. disappear e. even when situations call for an appearance f. often wears nothing but argyle g. socks and moccasins h. gloom of trainyards i. a foreign kid j. private body k. borne in snakehole l. died sanitarium smiling m. is only illusion n. likes to keep things o. spic-and-span p. mataphor salamander insect visionary q. sometimes stays home penning moustaches across quivering lips magazine models 85875 re becoming henny youngman ryan i had too google hy - got a baseball player and collection of quotes quips from someone who seems to be some stand-up performer the latter makes more sense with poem this about an internet relationship or other form relationship-dynamic where communication lines are blurred less-than-desirable person is using humor compensate for lack any physical alpha-'ness so sexuality disguise her plain 'ness thought was pretty humorous but at same time action switched btwn vic. midget hard follow. maybe strophe-breaks would clean that up i.e. l1-2 vic doing something l3-4 it isnt clear whose wall booger-coated assume speaker his failure respond in-kind then description introduction kind indicates former were in ref. not speaker. versus wife relationship. well you see my point. not. fun bit sand buffing rough edges help lot. thx sharing. each week victoria catalogues wispy secrets red mail box. s sexy boogers on bathroom portraits taped wood paneling. me just one arm three chunky fingers pointing skyward dressed like unmade bed. course big-hearted hips match. when she puts lace punch line she's after. might say m avoiding love. perhaps beneath whispers passion simple undergarments. doctor have ringing ear. don t answer. 85876 some typos ryan peer gynt borne should be born mataphor metaphor or are you punning on matador i think try and work this up into something more unified - of the images actually correct for fk even if they don't seem that way at first. pg 85877 re some typos ryan thx for reading commenting - and catching my well im not sure where i will go with this one probably no-where but we i'll see. or not. agian 85878 re becoming henny youngman jude goodwin this was fun si - as a parent i read lot of conflict between parenthood and sexuality yes having kids brings changes but rest easy it all comes back once they're grown honest so the boogers portraits drawings you midget well tend to draw primary care bigger than other one arm that's cute . now wife maybe big heart being mama hips babies anyhow would delete 'perhaps'towards end doctor line while might be classic hy is not known me kinda throws poem. enjoyed appreciate that sometimes there poetry in each week victoria catalogues her wispy secrets my red mail box. s hard sexy with on bathroom wall taped wood paneling. just three chunky fingers pointing skyward dressed like an unmade bed. course big-hearted match. when she puts lace punch she's after. say m avoiding love. perhaps beneath whispers passion are simple undergarments. have ringing ear. don t answer. 85879 re bloggin' with babylonian bologna robinson michael caruso also maybe remove some letters - e's suck imho wher hav al l th poems gon lol oh. i like that dango. i've taken to posting in my sleep apparently. was scrolling up the board when go huh what's this posted holy yah and today double moly shall have restrain myself more thanks ryan listened jorie interview. ooh la la. for link. must admit -- last time these huge poets been reading quite now live well its a major blow image of course. same thing happened plath. luckily her daughter's one than made it amazing. but yah. graham. wow. missed part bloke calls brings ethics issues. wasn't aware such big issue apparently haunting her. did catch something about preference given or actual prize whitman own students. guy mentioned other stuff interviewer cut him off very smoothly might add. loved final statement on european unification utopia history myriad cultures etc. coming together under umbrella course would sounded lot better if she'd bought home let's say uh east germany but. c'est vie normandy. she sounds wonderfully down earth kind. wish read 'prayers' gather those are intense at least way described how wrote them was. anyway. good listen coincidentally i'd just caught end piece public radio harvard is divesting from parts africa 85880 re notes on franz robinson michael caruso he is a mataphor was my fave part. keep that. thanks 85881 re notes on franz ryan thanks much - i am always smiling when someone has a favorite part in my writing 85882 re becoming henny youngman ryan heh - jude has a great eye i didnt even consider it kid's drawing clues in my face i'll start getting them sooner or never glad came back 85883 re fetch very silly person hi desperate dan this is just to say that you are welcome press your mythological uprooted root into my hand. once i get know a little better will accept it. sorry s such bad critique but think everyone has left the building. vsp 85884 re becoming henny youngman si mon thanks ryan -- this place has become too quiet. any confusion in the poem is poet's fault mine. i hate reading poems and not knowing what going on altho it often happens. actually don't mind so much only bothers me when someone tells i'm missing something. anyway hy was a classic old time stand up comedian. victoria suppose to be victoria's secret catalog for giving an idea as does doesn't work one. had google - got baseball player collection of quotes quips from who seems some stand-up performer latter makes more sense with about internet relationship or other form relationship-dynamic where communication lines are blurred less-than-desirable person using humor compensate lack physical alpha-'ness sexuality disguise her plain 'ness thought pretty humorous but at same action switched btwn vic. midget hard follow. maybe strophe-breaks would clean that i.e. l1-2 vic doing something l3-4 isnt clear whose wall booger-coated assume speaker his failure respond in-kind then description introduction kind indicates former were ref. speaker. versus wife relationship. well you see my point. not. fun bit sand buffing rough edges help lot. thx sharing. 85885 re becoming henny youngman si mon thanks jude maybe this is a poem for parents -- you got what i was saying. and the stuff worked it into some of body but if change title guess could cut last bit without much difficulty appreciate your help here fun - as parent read lot conflict between parenthood sexuality yes having kids brings changes rest easy all comes back once they're grown honest so boogers portraits drawings midget well tend to draw primary care bigger than other one arm that's cute . now wife big heart being mama hips babies anyhow would delete 'perhaps'towards end doctor line while might be classic hy not known me kinda throws poem. enjoyed that sometimes there poetry in 85886 g.c. redux hi folks i'm back again for a couple of weeks as promised. sorry to disappear like that. i'll try comment on 1-2 poems day. if you've posted poem you'd really me focus by all means send backchannel e-mail at the above address. do my best. best gc 85887 after infidelity bowen summer again and the field is stacked with good intentions. in kitchen we ve thrown last of our allegations out open windows. bedroom daughter reading a story how beans become magic. at table he s studying his palms under yellow light room blisters sees are other wounds made without single touch to my skin. when i wash supper dishes their uneaten dinners imagine car parked end road. its lights flash twice an offer escape. but turn eyes back thin dishwater. float on greasy film scoop cup them like miracles waiting happen. 85888 re signs g.c. hi teresa it has been awhile good to cross paths with your work again. some interesting comments so far. i can very much see tangy ryan's point about diving the poem into stanzas seems have different moods gestures and employing stanzation would emphasize that. on other hand if you want remain or toward a single larger gesture you'd keep as long stanza text block. also understand william's desire move those first three lines further down in though did think might find another way of opening. looked at newborn's face is not an especially strong opening its own. geoff's idea that perhaps should read newspapers valid. then again not. myself definitely subscribe newspaper offered this sort forteana.... my own thought walks thin line between banality profundity. chiefly because poet's choice quotidian language. overall tone flat almost affectless. meant contrast heavy metaphysics explores but after several readings really saps energy--and imagistic vigor--i associate work. when suggests colostrum wonderful word yes indeedy. says eyes god were found k umquat. these make me course poet like dean young specializes in. it's surprising vivid works through unexpected descriptive juxtapositions. anywhere poem--dean use poem--but say makes nice one. wish poem's energy interest kept high mark establish. newborn s expecting meaning only white milk sits her lips. problems start here teresa. basically you've employed total abstraction generic noun . won't argue either possibilities for newborn. will context against lips weak verb sits. problem thinking deliberately choose follow charged imagery you're risking palpable sag interest. which limp language --loosely cinched by imprecise --only confirms deepens. took days nothing all while baby breast sucking still nothing. starkness abstract statement surrounding must be doing more better i'm per se turn metaphor them away from speaker --and do can't give yourself license experiment ways getting across was late we ate rice table fortune said truth speak simple yet descriptively precise. doesn't me. comes empty aphorism poem. aphorism--it's coming cookie. however emptiness something itself with. already uploaded cookie simply blends surroundings. love telling what stay lost here. welter composed cliches verbs pronouns. there's essential action image idea--and sense somehow emotional heart--then effectively obscured begin faces saints bowl fruit. peter sweet side pear ah. now we're particular act perception part second sensuality particularity mention alliteration peter's pear. jesus never came one just disciples worms. afraid ending too easy drive failure theophany home next isn't enlarge come before. penultimate lover are --of purpose don't know. hangs there emptily relying religious previously established resonance accomplishing anything worms perverse grand guignol wrapping up old schtick out us die eat us. crawl out.... two questions 1 2 is--if ultimate aim impress reader ashes- -dust mortality visions potential transcendence christ freshest most effective plumbing obviously am tendering suspicion answer both sum set scaffolding fine subtle profound implications. least yet. thoughts. hope they small help. --gc 85889 re becoming henny youngman g.c. each week victoria catalogues her wispy secrets in my red mail box. i like mailbox better it s hard to be sexy with boogers on the bathroom wall portraits taped wood paneling. that me midget just one arm three chunky fingers pointing skyward dressed an unmade bed. wife of course is big-hearted hips match. when she puts lace not punch line she's after. you might say m avoiding love. perhaps beneath whispers passion are simple undergarments. doctor have a ringing ear. don t answer. good evening si mon and glad posted this. it's short sweet funny. laughed cried took another vicodin. but that's about your poem. poem all play. there's luscious wordplay victoria's secret opening couplet sudden swerve diction from prepackaged erotic childlike gross-out boogers. then once you've established some sort rapport if equilibrium between these two shift approach entirely toward self-identified midget.... don't any problem following this poem's moves dramatic action pretty clear spite few surprising turns. fact it. do very much ending which both funny sad. what am less sure section seems has real compulsively zany energy moving up through plummets. why i'm sure--i think rhetorical superfluity only does add anything terms image or content actually detracts implies level comprension context will provide. other words throws reader out by making him second-guess speaker's motives relation. further simply vivid ironic given what's being described . language flatlines here. punchline after attempts more fails because syntax awkward again weak. love risky move inner troll says oho go fridge for dill pickle --but moment directness would work foregoing were vivid. undergarments trying get interesting idea into failing excess bad writing sounds comes porno novel scrawled 9th-grader spiral notebook failure description sorry sound harsh. there so going poem--so here revel in--that shame important middle isn't interest wit play or--yes--pathos rest. reconsider hope helpful gc 85890 re after infidelity michael mv perhaps there is a more dynamic title. summer again - consider expressing this imagistically an indicator of . the field stacked with good intentions. really liked blisters he sees are other wounds s made without single touch to my skin. also stanza segue there. i like close yet might as beans float on greasy film cup them miracles in waiting. best regards 85891 to add michael mv enjoyed. yes henny youngman . when she puts on the lace it s not my punch line that she's after. worth submitting zines specializing in or w a light section melic for example. 85892 re after infidelity bowen mv thank you so much for the kind words. yes i struggled with a title as always and cannot think of that serves this well. thanks also your suggestions. muchly appreciated. best a. perhaps there is more dynamic title. summer again - consider expressing imagistically an indicator . field stacked good intentions. really liked blisters he sees are other wounds s made without single touch to my skin. stanza segue there. like close yet might beans float on greasy film cup them miracles in waiting. regards 85893 apostrophe mesela b reeb we lay the secrets of dying between us rivers emptied on deltas chickadees startled into flight. watch tugs bear logs against tide and lights dally sudden plash fish. after dinner tarry over wine toast grief- pressed vintages--another glass another. lyrical cuckoos trill eve in monologue strike midnight rattle toward one. you read. i across three chairs auditorium your story feel hook my mouth taste blood lips red impression it like a kiss. to mine. blood. hold ropes each minute draw back terminal hours until first light closes valve. read studies breathing how one breath follows stops. 85894 re apostrophe ryan i like this a great deal. think the trope is extremely well-worked. you begin with title--apostrophe--and immediatly follow word we . clever effect. title indicates possesion and first blurs any chance of seperating two people in your poem. images hook-in-mouth ropes support perfectly. inescapable yet strangely desirable possesion. don't have nits - i'll leave that to sharks. thanks for sharing 85895 mis match revision asher the body leans heavily into language. that language.it is to begin with an uncertainty. it follow a savagery. entropic. widowing text. nathalie stephens i. train consumed by darkness of delhi. there are fires scattered around hovels corrugated-aluminum roofs. woman hangs laundry on guardrail. in swallowed mooring light and he still traveling across unmoored. delhi disassembling. tracks more space tracings finger. chai-wallah sings. figures speech. language coinages. flies breed yield. beggars herding they sit between cars feeds them rice banana leaf. traitor. ii. you deserve longitude latitude. we match. just missed. boarded for lahore. cannot cross border. when comes sudden stop mind moves momentous. from amritsar i drink chai--a haunting song. chai wallah generations singing. people board unboard. man defecates. pastoral arrivals returnings. boardings dislodgings. ankles bells. sound home real or imagined. iii. main faculty house canada attic moth eaten saris weddings karachi picture frames pictures glossed over. don t say doesn't speak lack walls. dream spiraling staircase krishna. am cleaning glass picture. evoking past. meticulously. abba well murmuring om jaladhar memory this attack. my foot went through ceiling. was chewing betel nuts blood trickled off lips. living room amalgamated kitchen. past deserved be revised. addition father who chain sawed catalpa branch sitting on. dark couldn see rooms. iv. pakistan kitchen place where roll chapattis could create our own menu out sea salt. walls barred islamabad. mother said asylum. she centerpiece attention. -i can stand any more. heat. invitations. tea mahogany tables. lecherous men. bars windows. paris fun. shopping glorious nai attention deficit at sounding returned home. every object sounds mantle no hues. inability define dust mite. might inherit microscopic eye problem germs solved pasteur. v. ear listens climbs down staircase. were once krishna dream. those stairs ascended his hands meticulous details. -dad going -to read dawn. -don forget your bifocals. -thanks son. descends basement because successful son veritable relic success has taken over family room. pure fossil. needs image. scratched pebbles jinnestan won't do. vi. ...and water floods again must save drowning bridge tongue fatherland. imbecile bridge. bride without chamber calico pillow sheath night intercourse think can. always returning turned back. switch places as though playing each other's part. wants remain here uncle tells her anyone sane returns after success. but transplanted grow all directions. runs dry transmitted like arm leg. become fluid intensity eyes aquariums father. pupils which float diaphanous membranes returning. middle child. wall not erected. pleasant arbor gazebo trellis latticework india indian chase away crows day. will leave dry. leaving scatter hired servant one pound month blackened stone chisel lost word. siraiki mean want womb. want. souvenirs. vii. composed clothes. clothes hang .there parables here. arrivals. torn words. -angrez shouted threw stones me muree. ceiling falls bats flit estranged moorings space. climb mountain unnamed engulfs--my inheritance. remember bench never met gairloch gardens november begonias rotting. magnolias brown. tuber roses wilted. -god grant serenity so said. use english contra diction. viii. black bears hangers layers muffled attacked. static words filled imagine. engulf engulfed wall. dreaming neurons splayed open brain. absence breeds auditory tongue. about gathers vanish. imaginary wells baba chants om. refrain. possible frame. clean xi. dunes dune buggies dubai set up tent. buy apartment worlds. explore bedouin culture jeep. had gypsy gypsum eyes. go back plane supersaturated. maim word myself. accretions dormitories allergic reaction. immunoglobulin e replacing acquire wings borders growing eats itself even cut. narrative only audition. 85896 sonnet 8.1 revision david halitsky revised 7 april 2005 as per tmurphy rkemp winter maz your father is the tonic of a chord still incomplete without his rightful third. and if son pleasures can't afford remains note at once unpaid unheard then in absence this third how can there be fifth affirmed within laws geniture crucial to plan grandson has no cause. since all my tender arguments have met with consideration on part i hope logic will beget mind what isn't heart chords supporting harmony accord descants into cacophony. original which would child whom you insist him despite fact overdue. other offer new one let time tell it do change 8 music hear why hear'st thou sadly sweets war not joy delights joy. lovest that receivest gladly or else pleasure thine annoy true concord well-tuned sounds by unions married offend ear they but sweetly chide thee who confounds singleness parts shouldst bear. mark string sweet husband another strikes each mutual ordering resembling sire happy mother pleasing sing whose speechless song being many seeming sings 'thou single wilt prove none.' 85897 re mis match revision david halitsky asher - your piece here i believe ranks with durrell's descriptions of alexandria in justine and the rest quartet bulgakov's description jerusalem sub-novel within master margarita . both those writings made me feel that knew locales them intimately as if had been there many prolonged times. yours does same my opinion. but case evokes quality sound not light. hear more than see quiet moments or almost interspersed cluttered acoustics life. think you need a good editor to strive move this toward publication. it is too much deep for web board. ps. hate title epigraph. stop mixing theory into actual creative acts please. regards 85898 iceman bj the cherry blossoms bud early this spring jump into disaster. ice slipped in overnight left them frigid statues. at slightest tremor of new growth i glaze over doubts with a fool s grace slide love like an old glove missing matching mate. my is cold nothing gets or out. skate circles on surface. abandon houses. lights 85899 re sad iceman very silly person here the cherry s in full bloom this spring. savour those fragrant pink moments until a biting wind cuts through every petal sepal stamen and piles them into mulch. ice seeks burning pleasure when placed against lips hanging without external force. wait for summer day to melt as skylarks rise fall spectacular mating dance preening longing where everything fits exactly nothing is discarded. 85900 re apostrophe bowen very solid work i think. can't find anything to nit. a. we lay the secrets of dying between us rivers emptied on deltas chickadees startled into flight. watch tugs bear logs against tide and lights dally sudden plash fish. after dinner tarry over wine toast grief- pressed vintages--another glass another. lyrical cuckoos trill eve in monologue strike midnight rattle toward one. you read. across three chairs auditorium your story feel hook my mouth taste blood lips red impression it like a kiss. mine. blood. hold ropes each minute draw back terminal hours until first light closes valve. read studies breathing how one breath follows stops. 85901 re after infidelity mrslovett bowen i like this. it moves easily through and around its difficult subject provides a fine example of how to use title good effect. here framework for the poem so you don't have spend lot time on exposition. we know why we're knowing can read in climate you've established. that said think there are few heavy-footed moments. some comments within summer again field is stacked with intentions. kitchen ve thrown last our allegations out open windows. lovely. my part wouldn't change syllable here. bedroom daughter reading story beans become magic. do really mean magic tend jack's as essentially magical beanstalk ladder from one world another. maybe i'm making too much this but notion giving could be useful later rather lackluster verb anyway. at table he s studying his palms under yellow light room bit blah. probably find something better. blisters sees other wounds made without single touch skin. when wash supper dishes their uneaten dinners imagine car parked end road. lights flash twice an offer little confusion. did make skin confuses me wonder if should way around--the wounded touching it. escape. turn eyes back thin dishwater. float greasy film scoop cup them miracles waiting happen. break enough personally since ties into . g reay fil also shopworn. not sure right word--not portent imminent or it's funny--i has potent strengths establishes wonderful atmosphere watching no sound. reach more surprising language sharpen effect losing easy somewhat distant tone very appealing. tall order worth effort. anyway just thoughts. thanks chance respond. 85902 re mis match revision robinson caruso this is interesting i personally think some of the detail can be tweaked. how bout a bus instead train which to say current events -- does poet deal incorporate very if at all currant. did mispell it also you could have handled allergic reaction line bit more swuavely word punnish stuff e succint but well yes my eyes and ears slightly cliched i'm not sure dont' dropping medical jargon what mean way doesn't help set up last sentence poem enough perhaps its just looks sloppy me prob or head somewhere else igg iga mediated reactions iag aig - sell assurance insurance delayed brain prolly wrong so massive grain salt thanks asher body leans heavily into language. that language.it begin with an uncertainty. follow savagery. entropic. widowing text. nathalie stephens i. consumed by darkness delhi. there are fires scattered around hovels corrugated-aluminum roofs. woman hangs laundry on guardrail. in swallowed mooring light he still traveling across unmoored. delhi disassembling. tracks space tracings finger. chai-wallah sings. figures speech. language coinages. flies breed yield. beggars herding they sit between cars feeds them rice banana leaf. traitor. ii. deserve longitude latitude. we match. missed. boarded for lahore. cannot cross border. when comes sudden stop mind moves momentous. from amritsar drink chai--a haunting song. chai wallah generations singing. people board unboard. man defecates. pastoral arrivals returnings. boardings dislodgings. ankles bells. sound home real imagined. iii. main faculty house canada attic moth eaten saris weddings karachi picture frames pictures glossed over. don t speak lack walls. dream spiraling staircase krishna. am cleaning glass picture. evoking past. meticulously. abba murmuring om jaladhar memory attack. foot went through ceiling. was chewing betel nuts blood trickled off lips. living room amalgamated kitchen. past deserved revised. addition father who chain sawed catalpa branch sitting on. dark couldn see rooms. iv. pakistan kitchen place where roll chapattis create our own menu out sea salt. walls barred islamabad. mother said asylum. she centerpiece attention. -i stand any more. heat. invitations. tea mahogany tables. lecherous men. bars windows. paris fun. shopping glorious nai attention deficit sounding returned home. every object sounds mantle no hues. inability define dust mite. might inherit microscopic eye problem germs solved pasteur. v. ear listens climbs down staircase. were once krishna dream. those stairs ascended his hands meticulous details. -dad going -to read dawn. -don forget your bifocals. -thanks son. descends basement because successful son veritable relic success has taken over family room. pure fossil. needs image. scratched pebbles jinnestan won't do. vi. ...and water floods again must save drowning bridge tongue fatherland. imbecile bridge. bride without chamber calico pillow sheath night intercourse can. always returning turned back. switch places as though playing each other's part. wants remain here uncle tells her anyone sane returns after success. transplanted grow directions. runs dry transmitted like arm leg. become fluid intensity aquariums father. pupils float diaphanous membranes returning. middle child. wall erected. pleasant arbor gazebo trellis latticework india indian chase away crows day. will leave dry. leaving scatter hired servant one pound month blackened stone chisel lost word. siraiki want womb. want. souvenirs. vii. composed clothes. clothes hang .there parables here. arrivals. torn words. -angrez shouted threw stones muree. ceiling falls bats flit estranged moorings space. climb mountain unnamed engulfs--my inheritance. remember bench never met gairloch gardens november begonias rotting. magnolias brown. tuber roses wilted. -god grant serenity said. use english contra diction. viii. black bears hangers layers muffled attacked. static words filled imagine. engulf engulfed wall. dreaming neurons splayed open brain. absence breeds auditory tongue. about gathers vanish. imaginary wells baba chants om. refrain. possible frame. clean xi. dunes dune buggies dubai tent. buy apartment worlds. explore bedouin culture jeep. had gypsy gypsum eyes. go back plane supersaturated. maim myself. accretions dormitories reaction. immunoglobulin replacing acquire wings borders growing eats itself even cut. narrative only audition. 85903 re david halitsky 66.201.56.11 very silly person g.c. you are a lovely accommodating person. i don't know if people should respond to the above sonnet 8.1 by because it's him or not. ip number doesn't match up with david's. and it will contain virus. regards vsp 85905 action laurel 1 the heart s a hut that shack in woods elizabeth built erected more apt-- next to tracks where tramp lives lived no shaking fist shout now windows door so how heck do i get or out of this closet monument loneliness and love. it too easy plead my knees are worn through holes. your shirt left dangling on line like ghost bereft body sags. slip sleeves but cleansed skin can t smell you--does not console. 2 hat pink pillbox tragic widow scrambling retrieve pieces brain skull her perfect suit splattered permanently stained with soul stetson bigger than state big as lonely star sun seems sad far away yellow withered rose beret cocked at suggestive slant winks little girl lipsticked who only wants play tag you re it. will chomp missile why won't strip petals would kill just give chase 3 hurt--or vice versa--that never scab over an abrasion studded pebbles--those specks black pavement eh stings matter many times kissed pulse thumps tickles clenched digits bud waiting bloom from wrist. hold hand huff puff all want bad hat's hard ain budgin . ll me again. tar feather shove off cliff. watch won lift ringless finger. sure hell icarus. what was yelling oh yeah. goes without saying is made pine. 85906 re after infidelity g.c. hi ash this poem is orchestrated considered accomplished. myself i might have gone for something wilder but that's taste. most of my criticisms will think echo mrslovett's. first the title. sorry michael disagree with you on one. title simple elegant--and it also performs an impressive amount heavy lifting in terms work does poem. as so many good titles real poem--the emotional work--is accomplished space blank between provocative and quotidian facts moments related by through itself. reader left to inhabit that or parse flee it. summer again field stacked intentions. kitchen we ve thrown last our allegations out open windows. well i'm glad didn't throw them closed always messy.... not quite enthused about opening elegant mrslovett. a fine move emphasizing cyclical nature seasons suggesting context relationships. like being site intentions why lumber really verb want stronger more indelibly apropos. react against having both --both abstract--so quickly such close proximity within same stanza. others may find works well. bedroom daughter reading story how beans become magic. lovely modulation 4-line stanza 2- switch focus her story--a other than one poem's promise . do share mrslovett's concern knows thinks s he doesn't at all involve magic rather predicated their inherent quality. need clarify this--or if hold surprising language you've used here then longer different plumbs bit sudden recasting familiar tale. table studying his palms under yellow light room blisters sees are wounds made without single touch uh forgive me who speaker unless he's suddenly moved third person beloved because party jack completely lost move. agreed would be nice could vivid paraphrase room. it's ideal moment insert some painterly intensity into description. skin. when wash supper dishes uneaten dinners imagine car parked end road. its lights flash twice offer thinking any tweaking. fine. escape. turn eyes back thin dishwater. float greasy film scoop cup miracles waiting happen. what escape wheel know sort promises threatens enact ...i tend cars headlights means danger ahead own cultural programming.... from jack's floating wonder whether there couldn't way get resonance across--jack's isn't enough save domestic disaster perhaps never was no magic--than climactic statement provide closure--an audible click lid pops shut. however overreaching attempt force acknowledge transcendence gesture. better let earn acknowledgement make connection poet him wish up explore ways portraying speaker's final action sink connection-- pathos--but feel strongarmed brainstorming here--or vicodin is--but tight cords they'll become. until threads roots dig hands. your home sky. ...you idea. use figurative appropriate either physical fact bean-ness tale figure devastating specifically particular hope helpful gc 85907 lady in satin geoff . 1. the last time we heard billie a nurse white helped her to stool at center stage. rhythm trio overwhelmed her. moving lips she sat horrified another unheard lump of human misery. smiled grimace or two. for who gave doddering pensionist had never sung before -- this wretched forked stick gown and gardenia right wring hands 2. wearing savile row suits fine jewelry they picked out night called it day pilfered that old beaus pass one by one. finger painting technicians have dolled up as dairy queen royalty lined casket. pushers weep salt tears swear was withdrawal weakened heart can hardly speak much less transact little more business. leone 85908 re apostrophe mrslovett another terrific title that does so much effortlessly. i agree this is very solid effective and well-executed. in moments it seems a bit self-consciously well-executed lines 4-6 are at once lovely maddeningly poetic as trill the eve monologue . you're fine writer to get away with this. i'd like see you try on six cylinders instead of eight--that maybe back down from acrobatics early part poem concentrate carrying absolute quiet loveliness last three couplets up beginning well. latter all images earned each following other fresh but inevitable grace. wonder little about final which could be almost anything--but that's your point. thanks for chance comment. 85909 re after infidelity si mon in places this is a little awkward some over-written. i would cut to the bone. you have good metaphor going but need control your poetic impulses more. just my opinion. for instance second stanza could say bedroom our daughter reading story of how magic beans. we know story. blister section confusing. and might change ending something like this... another word thin think.... when wash supper dishes imagine see car parked at end road. its lights twice flash an offer escape. turn back dishwater. beans float on greasy film scoop cup them miracles waiting happen. hope helps -- few more suggestions below summer again field stacked with spring s intentions. kitchen ve thrown last allegations out open windows. become stalks that lead sky. table he studying his palms under room's yellow light room blisters sees there are other wounds made without single touch skin. their uneaten dinners mind eyes 85910 missing my daughter's doctor visit si mon i wasn t there to hear the explain coming of buds triangulation expected growth. spring. m in another season losing senses. maybe that s why cling. for now you don mind. someday ll slam front door and shout words won hear. need they re familiar way summer rocks cut feet are same once tossed into water carried pockets will finally carry across water. 85911 re becoming henny youngman si mon very pleased to finally have you tackle one of my poems even if it isn't a good un. yes i will reconsider. appreciate your well intentions. sorry about ear. evening and glad posted this. it's short sweet funny. laughed cried took another vicodin. but that's not poem. the poem is all play. there's luscious wordplay on victoria's secret in opening couplet sudden swerve diction from prepackaged erotic childlike gross-out boogers. then once you've established some sort rapport equilibrium between these two shift approach entirely toward self-identified midget.... don't any problem following this poem's moves dramatic action pretty clear spite few surprising turns. fact like it. do much ending which both funny sad. what am less sure section seems me that has real compulsively zany energy moving up through dressed an unmade bed. plummets. why i'm sure--i big-hearted wife with hips match. think rhetorical superfluity course only does add anything terms image or content actually detracts implies level comprension context provide. other words throws reader out by making him her second-guess speaker's motives relation. further when she puts lace simply vivid ironic given what's being described . language flatlines here. punchline she's after attempts more fails because syntax awkward again weak. might say avoiding love risky move inner troll says oho go fridge for dill pickle --but moment directness would work foregoing were vivid. perhaps beneath whispers passion are simple undergarments trying get interesting idea into failing excess bad writing sounds comes porno novel scrawled 9th-grader spiral notebook failure description sound harsh. there so going poem--so here revel in--that shame important middle interest wit play or--yes--pathos rest. reconsider hope helpful gc 85912 re to add si mon thanks mv... do you have many subs for light verse at melic enjoyed. yes henny youngman . when she puts on the lace it s not my punch line that she's after. worth submitting zines specializing in or w a section example. mv 85913 re action si mon well i haven't spent enough time with this -- and should come back. but will give you my first read impression. really liked the idea of poem heart being different odd things. not sure right now who elizabeth is that didn't bother me. was excited continued conceit in second part then disappointed when it zapruder film. wanted to be odder. more below.... 1 s a hut shack these tow two lines bothered ear woods built erected apt-- next tracks where tramp lives lived no shaking fist shout windows door so how heck do get or out closet monument loneliness love. too easy plead knees are worn through holes. your shirt left dangling on line like ghost bereft body sags . would end maybe even entire section slip sleeves cleansed skin can t smell you--does console. 2 hat pink pillbox tragic widow scrambling retrieve pieces brain skull her perfect suit think might work for me if toned down start...maybe splattered permanently stained soul stetson bigger than state big as lonely star sun seems sad far away yellow withered rose beret cocked at suggestive slant winks little girl lipsticked only wants play tag it. chomp missile why won't strip petals kill just chase 3 hurt--or vice here something odder....a harley unexpected...the heart's huff versa--that never scab over an abrasion studded pebbles--those specks black pavement eh stings matter many times kissed pulse thumps tickles clenched digits bud waiting bloom from wrist. hold hand doesn't much puff all want bad hat's hard ain budgin ll again. tar feather shove off cliff. watch won lift ringless finger. hell icarus. ha what yelling oh yeah. goes without saying made pine. good finish 85914 re missing my daughter's doctor visit geoff re. for si mon. all its shortness this jumps around from character to and subject subject. i enjoyed most the last part with stones but fail see significance rest of piece. best wasn t there hear explain coming buds triangulation expected growth. spring. m in another season losing senses. maybe that s why cling. now you don mind. someday ll slam front door shout words won hear. need they familiar way summer rocks cut feet are same once tossed into water carried pockets will finally carry across water. 85915 re after infidelity laurel how odd. i couldn't disagree with gc more vehemently regarding the title than if were standing here waving my arms over head screaming no grin does too much work for poem and reader in opinion but hey gc's scholar not i....so listen to him eh smile . zola said another thread that he doesn't like it when know what's going on a he's reading. see...i'm exact opposite. love knowing. being lost poem---and matter road. trying find way back where heck was or better yet finding completely unintended destination---on own. maps stopping ask directions onstar telling me turn....and explications via tellling this is what about. gosh wanna figure out own about aftermath of infidelity. skipped post several times without reading because had such an adverse reaction title. said...listen gc. i'm amateur at poetry thang. pro. now onto actual most obvious nits have are redundancies. open unnecessary those allegations tossed first stanza---could they be thrown closed window hmmm....actually wonder could. supper you're follow up uneaten dinners. one other job just fine. blisters....oh. wondering you could somehow quietly use jack metaphor suggest wounded hands result ascent descent. stalk down. maybe your should reference manner beans....aren't already magic paused become miracles right word. did anyone else question stacked good intentions like....dishes precarious pile china. incidentally both stanza along felt all together telling. hard poem. think it's you'll revision. oh who wondered ...might say instead since refer collectively couple as we stanza. work. sorry disjointed unclear. bit distracted end. enjoy despite initial reservations regards summer again field intentions. kitchen ve last our windows. bedroom daughter story beans magic. table s studying his palms under yellow light room blisters sees wounds made single touch skin. wash dishes their dinners imagine car parked end its lights flash twice offer escape. turn eyes thin dishwater. float greasy film scoop cup them waiting happen. 85916 re lady in satin mrslovett this poem fairly bleeds good intention and effort but unfortunately the result is merely anemic. title more than enough to link gown a coffin's lining. if you wanted something perhaps color or stitching detail would be better simply repeating satin. i think main problem here that doesn't have anything unexpected say few phrases wretched fork stick for one are just unfortunate. also find point of view little confusing--we're everyone's head no one's heart. 85918 re iceman si mon there are parts of that show potential...but for the most part you avoid going beyond expected. i'm not sure as works. here some suggestions. cherry blossoms bud early this spring jump into disaster . ice slipped in overnight left them frigid statues. at slightest tremor new growth i glaze over doubts think need a better transition here. seems too forced with fool s grace slide love like an old glove missing matching mate. my is cold nothing gets or out. skate circles on surface. abandon houses. lights 85919 re becoming henny youngman geoff re. henny... for si mon. there is vocal delivery then the cruel world of text. we sort and value them separately. perhaps it might be wiser to simplify life lump together but hasn't happened yet. i don't find this able stand up more than a cursory realism. are offered generic view domestic dispirited too. though introduced in ourselves at every level left out. best each week victoria catalogues her wispy secrets my red mail box. s hard sexy with boogers on bathroom wall portraits taped wood paneling. that me midget just one arm three chunky fingers pointing skyward dressed like an unmade bed. wife course big-hearted hips match. when she puts lace not punch line she's after. you say m avoiding love. beneath whispers passion simple undergarments. doctor have ringing ear. don t answer. 85920 re lady in satin si mon there certainly must be an anthology of billie h. poems somewhere. i saw count basie late his career with ella and they had to wheel him out a wheelchair. the first part this was very unexceptional. pace conviction piece picks up second half altho i'm not sure really brings anything new table. did enjoy it nonetheless. 1. last time we heard nurse white helped her stool at center stage. rhythm trio overwhelmed her. moving lips she sat horrified another unheard lump human misery. smiled grimace or two. for who gave doddering pensionist never sung before -- wretched forked stick gown gardenia right wring hands 2. wearing savile row suits fine jewelry picked night called day pilfered that old beaus pass one by one. finger painting technicians have dolled as dairy queen royalty lined casket. pushers weep salt tears swear withdrawal weakened heart can hardly speak much less transact little more business. . geoff leone 85921 re apostrophe si mon well i love the music of this even if it does go overboard in spots. my recommendation is take out couplets play with varied line lengths and spacing. think sound sin will seem less obvious but more effective you do this. also would cut very last line. end on another... although ending seems to echo some other poem i've read can't recall what enjoyed -- we lay secrets dying between us rivers emptied deltas chickadees startled into flight. watch tugs bear logs against tide lights dally sudden plash fish. after dinner tarry over wine toast grief- pressed vintages--another glass another. lyrical cuckoos trill eve monologue strike midnight rattle toward one. read. across three chairs auditorium your story feel hook mouth taste blood lips red impression like a kiss. mine. blood. hold ropes each minute draw back terminal hours until first light closes valve. studies breathing how one breath follows stops. 85922 rags flapping jude goodwin she stands in his doorway a pauper her shadow grimy the glow of perfect light cannot see herself anywhere but box itself way walls meet curse new woman scurries out sight. opens mouth to speak and starvelings fall floor puling at feet. he makes chopping sound throat doesn't look mendicant shabby shoes rusty trash truck - there is no common topic. child hand last leaves flapping. 85923 re mis match revision annmarie eldon killer last line narrative is always only an audition. your writing so good right now you make me want to write like but alas i can 85924 re action jude goodwin hello laurel great stuff here comments inline i don't get the title at all. 1 heart s a hut that shack in woods elizabeth built erected more apt-- next to tracks where tramp lives lived no shaking fist shout now windows door so how heck do or out of this closet monument loneliness and love. it too easy plead my knees are worn through holes. your shirt left dangling on line like ghost bereft body sags. slip sleeves but cleansed skin can t smell you--does not console. im finding most first verse perfect. suggest deleting 'does console' as redundant. really enjoyed all these although have idea who is. is good combination free association concrete image - hmm maybe 'like ghost' could go seems cliche 2 hat pink pillbox tragic widow scrambling retrieve pieces 'tragic' bit done aren't widows yes only after time i'm assuming she just instant widowed brain skull her perfect suit splattered permanently stained with soul stetson bigger than state big lonely star sun sad far away yellow withered rose introduction random what connection beret cocked suggestive slant winks little girl lipsticked wants play tag you it. will chomp missile why won't strip petals would kill give chase well you've completely lost me final that's necessarily bad thing given stodgy progress 3 hurt --or vice versa--that never scab over an abrasion studded pebbles--those specks black pavement eh stings matter many times kissed pulse thumps tickles clenched digits bud waiting bloom from wrist. hold hand huff puff want hat's hard ain budgin . ll again. tar feather shove off cliff. watch won lift ringless finger. sure hell icarus. was yelling oh yeah. goes without saying made pine. section reads clearly strongly throughout. wish see part gone. think conversational approach works poem 85925 re after infidelity mesela b reeb i don't want to repeat what your other critters have said--but did wonder about a couple of things. first all let me tell you how am reading this. the title for plays on idea an thought. so is something that only imagined transgression. slight flashing lights seemed in fact very small where poem missed was smallness imagining not create stress between lovely domestic description and brief mental fling. wondered if might more anticipation transgression full blown exciting fantasy pressed against scene some tension read. last line also problematic me. it too easy go onto stuff like miracles hearts etc. beans possibility but took it. think could find interesting given fairytale associated with beans. set up direction one hand life other. there lot play possible thay try pull out compression. mbr summer again field stacked good intentions. kitchen we ve thrown our allegations open windows. bedroom daughter story become magic. at table he s studying his palms under yellow light room blisters sees are wounds made without single touch my skin. when wash supper dishes their uneaten dinners imagine car parked end road. its flash twice offer escape. turn eyes back thin dishwater. float greasy film scoop cup them waiting happen. 85926 re rags flapping mesela b reeb jude i am reading these as metaphor for the sense of how small a woman may feel going to house where new now lives. so her pauper ness is poverty love. difficulty that narrator seems inhabit skin smallness in way makes belief out feeling valueless. can see what you are trying do but having trouble with content. particular place this pov problem description his perfect light. first all it terrible abstraction and cliche. more point suggest difference between unknown him. think would like show falseness pov--that be those impoverished by love feel--but not true they have no value. mbr she stands doorway shadow grimy glow light cannot herself anywhere box itself walls meet curse scurries sight. opens mouth speak starvelings fall floor puling at feet. he chopping sound throat doesn't look mendicant shabby shoes rusty trash truck - there common topic. child hand last leaves flapping. 85927 re missing my daughter's doctor visit susan somehow thinking of the girl i once was this seems like a mother's poem not father's. do girls want their fathers with them at moment doctor's wouldn't have. agree geoff that stones don't take us clearly to recognition. something does tickle me and perhaps is what you are getting words we have all spoken in heat adolescence become fashion little carry ever after. or it how tactile remembrances youth pebbles summer mark our passage. but think saying. you've taken from regret missed milestone connection be she will saying angry things future remember your own parent. bit very filling help. newbie 85928 once more i will take on the simile slosh poetic snob and shake it hard hope poets can see what is plainly bad writing. always was writing be to liken one thing another. used even in common speak fasttrack communication from person poetry fast tracing unadvisable here laurel dear a prime example of third party imagining. you are assertive all your images them down ghost where so simple write without as crutch- shirt left dangling line bereft body sags. or some such -- keep sureness voice place if were count jury would note hesitation dismiss testimony. 85929 re apostrophe susan the other responders share my opinion that this is a strong work. i do have couple of comments you start and end with dying delta image wonderful as quiet stopping breath. chickadees startled into flight however injects poem shot life. what wanted also cuckoo will always suggest marital tensions seems supported by ambiguity hook blood story but when are both like cuckoos trill eve line collapses for me different era poem. it worth re-reading enjoying. we lay secrets between us rivers emptied on deltas flight. watch tugs bear logs against tide lights dally sudden plash fish. after dinner tarry over wine toast grief- pressed vintages--another glass another. lyrical in monologue strike midnight rattle toward one. read. across three chairs auditorium your feel mouth taste lips red impression kiss. to mine. blood. hold ropes each minute draw back terminal hours until first light closes valve. read studies breathing how one breath follows stops. 85930 re iceman susan i think the poem would benefit if a couple of images were corrected tightened you slide into love rest simile should have something sliding something. it's hard to see cherry blossoms jumping disaster when what wants us is them frozen still. and at end refers gloves but i'm not sure. perhaps could make that clearer. are nice metaphor -- bud early this spring jump disaster. ice slipped in overnight left frigid statues. slightest tremor new growth glaze over doubts with fool s grace like an old glove missing matching mate. my cold nothing gets or out. skate circles on surface. abandon houses. lights 85931 re apostrophe asher mesela-- i like parts of this although must admit that tend to have an aversion towards poems with well- formed metaphors . aside my reading may offer alternative what others offered. there is language in here lush and also where the gets sapped by ineffective verbs imo. -please reconsider your title. or mull over it. we lay secrets dying between us rivers emptied on deltas chickadees startled into flight. --like opening a great deal. third phrase could use more startling verb imho. watch tugs bear logs against tide lights dally sudden plash fish. --anything but after dinner tarry wine toast grief- pressed vintages--another glass another. --same lyrical cuckoos trill eve monologue strike midnight rattle toward one. you read. --at point think poem kills me as reader. it tells too much uses modifiers are cliche. lines grief-pressed vintages rattle. across three chairs auditorium story feel hook mouth --very bit. taste blood lips red impression kiss. mine. blood. hold ropes each minute draw back terminal hours until first light closes valve. --how about claps shut wanted argue bit more... i'm contentious person nature. read studies breathing how one breath follows stops. --yes agreement simon last sentence here. trys seal impart meaning trope ends up sounding slightly bathetic. elaborating metaphor. from language-wise. best 85932 lila's painting susan room has white curtains and over the bed is a picture she painted of houses in bright crayon colors leaning like gossips as they teeter uphill toward big yellow sun. but streets have no trees sun never sets so soon huddled with heat their gaity flaking. pulled down shade still simmered. cooled them stripes then seemed cramped hot golden jail. all while shone brighter than steel. black just to be done opened her window. real rushed room. garden shears on sill gleam. picks tube carmine-- malleable half full -- cuts across bite into metal smooth soft crushing. pauses even smallest movement more would spill. 85933 ceremonial david ayers kanane'ski amai'yehi you are the one that brings in fire skims lace off lake and it finds sediment sifts then wheels a new thing clay pot. bowl-bearer unlikely one. crawls to river first prepares way for fire-biscuit feast perfect vessel. make container cover fire. who goes east old sea early little sneak on tiptoe after they've failed all given up. risk fall drop-off dry gulch gully. stink dark. coal hot lump rock nothing merely luminous it's too bright believe... ...that could possibly spin back. where i have do meanwhile is dissemble keep cracking two branch puff of air just like beginning when we get excited come. water spider grandmother -- poem based loosely native american myth 85934 re mis match revision asher annemarie-- what are you talking please reconsider your comment . post something that i can critique will ya haven't seen work for a while. ps have feeling some lines need to be reconsidered in this. poems grow cuberts 85935 re mis match revision asher carmela i agree with you was thinking over that line ige today. and also there seem to be a few sloppy places in here. i'm trying clean my cuberts...yes...on setting up the last sentence of poem. agreed. now. who exactly are this is interesting personally think some detail can tweaked. how bout bus instead train which say current events -- does poet deal incorporate very if at all currant. did mispell it could have handled allergic reaction bit more swuavely word punnish stuff e succint but well yes eyes ears slightly cliched not sure dont' dropping medical jargon what mean way doesn't help set poem enough perhaps its just looks me prob or head somewhere else igg iga mediated reactions iag aig - sell assurance insurance delayed brain prolly wrong so massive grain salt thanks robinson 85936 re missing my daughter's doctor visit bowen i wasn t there to hear the explain coming of buds triangulation expected growth. spring. m in another season losing senses. maybe that s why cling. n clings because he she's senses if isn't and unless someone has told budding etc. how does this clinging seemed earned poem doesn't get jarring revelation onset puberty so is a little unearned me. for now you don mind. someday ll slam front door shout words won hear. need they familiar way summer rocks cut feet are same once tossed into water carried pockets will finally carry across water. last line seems be summing up i'm often lambasted too up. enjoyed on language feel level just few bugs work out think. best a. 85937 re mis match revision asher he david good to see you around. hey you're allowed back qed if behave they said. anyhow. your remark about sound makes me happy it ties in with the last line and an idea of what diaporic narrative is. as carmela noted i think that previous has be rewritten. thanks for reading. let's can get this one ready possible publication. ps mulled over issue title thought ommiting slash. poems grow cuberts is my main these days. while read or write something else. regards epigraph puts poem a canadian context people consider themes at least some them wanted draw out. appreciate comment. - piece here believe ranks durrell's descriptions alexandria justine rest quartet bulgakov's description jerusalem sub-novel within master margarita . both those writings made feel knew locales intimately had been there many prolonged times. yours does same opinion. but case evokes quality not light. hear more than quiet moments almost interspersed cluttered acoustics life. need editor strive move toward too much deep web board. ps. hate epigraph. stop mixing theory into actual creative acts please. halitsky 85938 re missing my daughter's doctor visit michael mv delete the word spring - bad internal rhyme w cling . your melic light question as i understand it deadline for upcoming is over from submissions guidelines we are a triquarterly and publish new issues on first of april august december. always open but cut-off date inclusion in issue month preceding next issue. thus no will be considered after march 1. still you might give try include header. best regards 85939 re mis match revision robinson caruso carmela who oh shucks little cricket you found me out i agree with was thinking over that line ige today. and also there seem to be a few sloppy places in here. i'm trying clean my cuberts...yes...on setting up the last sentence of poem. agreed. good lol now. exactly are zoro toro what am your one only love true -- lives on lollipops crisps that's radiohead btw later lots pour toi mon amour asher this is interesting 85940 re mis match revision robinson caruso killer last line narrative is always only an audition. your writing so good right now you make me want to write like but alas i can annmarie oh stop being such a ninny what are talkin bout if had pick favorites -- the best poet on this board 'ell complaining about robinsonian 85941 re ceremonial robinson caruso kanane'ski amai'yehi you are the one that brings in fire skims lace off lake and it finds sediment sifts then wheels a new thing clay pot. bowl-bearer unlikely one. crawls to river first prepares way for fire-biscuit feast perfect vessel. make container cover fire. who goes east old sea early little sneak on tiptoe after they've failed all given up. risk fall drop-off dry gulch gully. stink dark. coal hot lump rock nothing merely luminous it's too bright believe... ...that could possibly spin back. where i have do meanwhile is dissemble keep cracking two branch puff of air just like beginning when we get excited come. water spider grandmother -- poem based loosely native american myth yah. i'll say. ok. stop being an obnoxious freaaaaaaaaak right about now delighted thank robinsonian 85943 re action laurel elizabeth bishop that poem she wrote ends with the tramp yelling love must be put into yeah i wish whole thing was odder. pillbox hat spilled out unedited and zapruder is where unoddly veered. perhaps in revision i'd veer a different direction. hut hurt heart title of on poetry daily or verse today. saw those 4 words determined to get them dammit. smile so that's why down yonder nothing something it's late. gotta some sleep. thanks for feedback. think poem's trying too hard no ps read your henny dr appt poems will crit one both tomorrow mista z. but now catch zzzs. well haven't spent enough time this -- should come back. give you my first impression. really liked idea being odd things. not sure right who didn't bother me. excited continued conceit second part then disappointed when it film. wanted more below.... 85945 re missing my daughter's doctor visit bj simon this is beautifully done. in a very few words you have captured that child parent generational and human frailty dilemma. bravo love the rock image which doesn't carry poem because rest need carrying end just brings it to fruition. these are kind of poems i like. simple easily accessible not codified all head intelligence. read quote somewhere poetry must transcend intelligence almost successfully. there spoken me think was real common deeply felt emotion buttressed those codes. sincerely 85946 re rags flapping bj well i'm feeling some pity for this woman and a lot of disgust that she would feel so much like shit. these are the type women who stay in battered homes. rusty trash truck kind throws me out poem into sudden thinking about perfect light's job. other descriptions sound character dickens. sincerely stands his doorway pauper her shadow grimy glow light cannot see herself anywhere but box itself way walls meet curse new scurries sight. opens mouth to speak starvelings fall floor puling at feet. he makes chopping throat doesn't look mendicant shabby shoes - there is no common topic. child hand last leaves flapping. 85947 re ceremonial bj david i really like the surprising end. think use of native myth works well for subject matter. just wasn't able to connect all images pot maker with end especially sense walking away an aha and don't mean that when say have learned or discovered something but somewhere in me i've been touched by some knowledge may not be communicate you me. sincerely kanane'ski amai'yehi are one brings fire skims lace off lake it finds sediment sifts then wheels a new thing clay pot. bowl-bearer unlikely one. crawls river first prepares way fire-biscuit feast perfect vessel. make container cover fire. who goes east old sea early little sneak on tiptoe after they've failed given up. risk fall drop-off dry gulch gully. stink dark. coal hot lump rock nothing merely luminous it's too bright believe... ...that could possibly spin back. where do meanwhile is dissemble keep cracking two branch puff air beginning we get excited come. water spider grandmother -- poem based loosely american 85948 re lila's painting bj susan i really like this poems inventiveness and imagination which is consistent lovely until half-way through then it goes downhill to me. was mesmerised up the end of second stanza. from here poem seems have lost itself in trying figure out where it's going. sincerely room has white curtains over bed a picture she painted houses bright crayon colors leaning gossips as they teeter uphill toward big yellow sun. but streets no trees sun never sets so soon huddled with heat their gaity flaking. pulled down shade still simmered. cooled them stripes seemed cramped hot golden jail. all while shone brighter than steel. black just be done opened her window. real rushed room. garden shears on sill gleam. picks tube carmine-- malleable half full -- cuts across bite into metal smooth soft crushing. pauses even smallest movement more would spill. 85950 re after infidelity bowen thanks for the wonderful crit best a. i like this. it moves easily through and around its difficult subject provides a fine example of how to use title good effect. here framework poem so you don't have spend lot time on exposition. we know why we're knowing can read in climate you've established. that said think there are few heavy-footed moments. some comments within lovely. my part wouldn't change syllable here. do really mean beans become magic tend jack's as essentially magical beanstalk ladder from one world another. maybe i'm making too much out this but notion giving could be useful later is rather lackluster verb anyway. again yellow light room bit blah. probably find something better. little confusion. did he make wounds skin confuses me wonder if should other way around--the wounded his without touching it. scoop cup break enough personally since ties into dishes . g reay fil also shopworn. not sure waiting right word--not portent imminent miracles or it's funny--i has potent strengths establishes atmosphere watching film with no sound. reach more surprising language sharpen effect losing easy somewhat distant tone very appealing. tall order worth effort. anyway just thoughts. chance respond. 85951 re after infidelity bowen thanks g.c. wonderfully detailed crit and very useful for my revision. thanks. hi ash this poem is orchestrated considered accomplished. myself i might have gone something wilder but that's taste. most of criticisms will think echo mrslovett's. first the title. sorry michael disagree with you on one. title simple elegant--and it also performs an impressive amount heavy lifting in terms work does poem. as so many good titles real poem--the emotional work--is accomplished space blank between provocative quotidian facts moments related by through itself. reader left to inhabit that or parse flee it. well i'm glad didn't throw them closed windows. always messy.... not quite enthused about opening elegant mrslovett. summer again a fine move emphasizing cyclical nature seasons suggesting context relationships. like field being site intentions why stacked lumber really verb want stronger more indelibly apropos. react against having both allegations --both abstract--so quickly such close proximity within same stanza. others may find works well. lovely modulation 4-line stanza 2- switch focus daughter her bedroom reading story--a story other than one poem's promise . do share mrslovett's concern knows thinks s he doesn't at all involve how beans become magic rather predicated their inherent quality. need clarify this--or if hold surprising language you've used here then longer different plumbs bit sudden recasting familiar tale. uh forgive me who speaker unless he's suddenly moved third person beloved because we party jack completely lost move. agreed would be nice could vivid paraphrase yellow light room. it's ideal moment insert some painterly intensity into description. thinking any tweaking. fine. what offer escape wheel know sort promises threatens enact ...i tend when cars flash headlights twice means danger ahead own cultural programming.... from jack's uneaten floating greasy dishwater. wonder whether there couldn't way get resonance across--jack's isn't enough save domestic disaster perhaps never was no magic--than cup miracles waiting happen. climactic statement provide closure--an audible click lid pops shut. however overreaching attempt force acknowledge transcendence gesture. better let earn acknowledgement make connection poet him wish back up explore ways portraying speaker's final action sink connection-- pathos--but feel strongarmed brainstorming here--or vicodin is--but tight cords they'll become. until threads roots dig hands. your home sky. ...you idea. use figurative appropriate either physical fact bean-ness tale figure devastating specifically particular hope helpful gc 85952 re after infidelity bowen thanks si. much appreciated. a. in places this is a little awkward some over-written. i would cut to the bone. you have good metaphor going but need control your poetic impulses more. just my opinion. for instance second stanza could say bedroom our daughter reading story of how magic beans. we know story. blister section confusing. and might change ending something like this... another word thin think.... when wash supper dishes imagine see car parked at end road. its lights twice flash an offer escape. turn back dishwater. beans float on greasy film scoop cup them miracles waiting happen. hope helps -- few more suggestions below summer again field stacked with spring s intentions. kitchen ve thrown last allegations out open windows. become stalks that lead sky. table he studying his palms under room's yellow light room blisters sees there are other wounds made without single touch skin. their uneaten dinners mind eyes 85953 re after infidelity bowen laurel you know i like it rough. lol thanks. how odd. couldn't disagree with gc more vehemently regarding the title than if were standing here waving my arms over head screaming no grin does too much work for poem and reader in opinion but hey gc's scholar not i....so listen to him eh smile . zola said another thread that he doesn't when what's going on a he's reading. see...i'm exact opposite. love knowing. being lost poem---and matter road. trying find way back where heck was or better yet finding completely unintended destination---on own. maps stopping ask directions onstar telling me turn....and explications via tellling this is what about. gosh wanna figure out own about aftermath of infidelity. skipped post several times without reading because had such an adverse reaction title. said...listen gc. i'm amateur at poetry thang. pro. now onto actual most obvious nits have are redundancies. open unnecessary those allegations tossed first stanza---could they be thrown closed window hmmm....actually wonder could. supper you're follow up uneaten dinners. one other job just fine. blisters....oh. wondering could somehow quietly use jack metaphor suggest wounded hands result ascent descent. stalk down. maybe your should reference manner beans....aren't already magic paused become miracles right word. did anyone else question stacked good intentions like....dishes precarious pile china. incidentally both stanza along felt all together telling. hard poem. think it's you'll revision. oh who wondered ...might say instead since refer collectively couple as we stanza. work. sorry disjointed unclear. bit distracted end. enjoy despite initial reservations regards summer again field intentions. kitchen ve last our windows. bedroom daughter story beans magic. table s studying his palms under yellow light room blisters sees wounds made single touch skin. wash dishes their dinners imagine car parked end its lights flash twice offer escape. turn eyes thin dishwater. float greasy film scoop cup them waiting happen. 85954 re after infidelity bowen mbr good points. thanks. a.bowen i don't want to repeat what your other critters have said--but did wonder about a couple of things. first all let me tell you how am reading this. the title for plays on idea an thought. so is something that only imagined transgression. slight flashing lights seemed in fact very small where poem missed was smallness imagining not create stress between lovely domestic description and brief mental fling. wondered if might more anticipation transgression full blown exciting fantasy pressed against scene some tension read. last line also problematic me. it too easy go onto stuff like miracles hearts etc. beans possibility but took it. think could find interesting given fairytale associated with beans. set up direction one hand life other. there lot play possible thay try pull out compression. 85956 re once more i will take on the simile mimesis it always was bad writing and be to liken one thing another. um. want walk like i'm only woman earth can have my pick. --addonizio in which even words grew thin transparent pale wings of ants that flew out oldest houses --larry levis gored by climacteric his he stalls above me an elephant. --robert lowell may month flaps its glad green leaves --thomas hardy paper chambers flush fill with light comes goes hearts. --elizabeth bishop wir kannten nicht sein unerh rtes haupt darin die augen pfel reiften. --rilke seven stars go squawking geese about sky. --auden years afterwards trailing their ground girls hands knees throw hair before them over heads dry sun. frost then a soldier full strange oaths bearded pard jealous honor sudden quick quarrel seeking bubble reputation cannon's mouth. --william shakespeare as night drifts up little boat. --charles wright what dismal world poetry we'd without similes. dismal. not mention fact eliding does undo simile. is any explicit comparison between things whether or uses as. 85957 go stand in the corner slosh poetic snob you will find a whole bunch there that just has to say i'm wrong about similes guess what stay untill learn being like others is not productive-- but this was laugh i want walk only woman on earth and can have my pick. --addonizio 15 million men one thinks she would be able 85958 re rags flapping slosh the poetic snob i want you to loose first line it is leading. don t see her as a pauper she left or write at last leaves flapping. in this winner him his took child he rag im glad found that new women for never inside box-- 8 10 one shadow grimy glow of perfect light cannot herself anywhere but box itself way walls meet curse woman scurries out sight. opens mouth speak and starvelings fall floor puling feet. makes chopping sound throat doesn't look mendicant shabby shoes rusty trash truck - there no common topic. hand 85959 re go stand in the corner very silly person slosh a simile becomes metaphor once you take out like this. i am bird. bird that flies kite. is kite plastic literal put your metaphorical hat and eat it like. signed another mime please we need more mimes here. 85960 as fire my father mikem melts december snow with each step he takes through a pennsylvania field. but there is no field only mud-rutted road where walks under sky filled molten geese which now know the horror of too much heat. sits in flat-bottomed boat. poles across water looking down into it sees glowing town city pillows on ashes shape themselves children s faces friends former lovers joyful leaps from remembered pets. believes string theory chaos convenience stores muscle cars fly rod abandoned to cellar because longer mix. some days old rivers run his eyes. eyes like facets diamond fangs snake seven white horses drinking flaming trough. at seventy laying hands an act brings him both pleasure pain moment when son close begin burn. 85961 re arriving early g.c. hi geoff yes this does seem very different for you--a lyric poem or at least less narrative than these labels are so imprecise. where is the sound of conversation approaching footsteps polite laughter discourse continued all way from parking lot but there no one here to explain by raising a single eyelid sharing discreet cough ground rules engagement. stanza creates milieu in tandem with your title and moving back forth like shuttle on loom between abstract an specific . it heavily stylized though starting opening rhetorical question directly through ...which not necessarily bad thing if it's that type party which has arrived too been reading much john crowe ransom i suppose specificity being my own personal hobgoblin wish were little perhaps more self-aware arch would be possibility its stylization. after several readings think twin points resistance me seemingly engagement again although reader knows vague level what you mean clear particular clues poet having subject look miss pace room disrupting world ice crystals touch disembodies. must sense roughness smoothness costs time. things lands squarely thin shoulders. hmmmm. there's heat filled seems odd scheduled. also most effective invoking scene just esp. context should act description poem's part. don't have bodies as such disembodies verb confess do follow subsequent lines. why windowpane cost happened before cf. time furthermore presume shared context--on part reader--that provide. now normally i'm plunking down media res requires greater degree thusfar willing proffer. something emotionally momentous stake why. then steps out another order magnitude into deep space --just cosmic geoff. attempt shoulders close cliche really imbue stage life. force yourself stop pacing staring longing door may walked outdoors. failing find answers sit deepest comfortable armchair knowing full well last do. wit we did didn't rest presumes simply lost me. stares door--longing everyone else arrive fails --what questions party's supposed whole gamut metaphysical inquiry sitting know not. sum gesture like--i think---use second person dramatize sort existential loneliness feel feared stylization abstraction rob any emotional resonance might language itself--tending toward anecdotal even within qualities--doesn't make metaphysics interesting own. proceeding place speaker's heart yet itself shorthand--vague approximate--for feeling. task course closely possible feels. need try again. off means say so. --gc 85962 re apostrophe g.c. hi mesela and welcome to the block. you're new at least me. you've already gotten several detailed crits esp. from asher i think will echo much of what has come before especially mrslovett's remark echoed by that while poem is incredibly well-written there are moments when it feels entirely too content with its well-writtenness expense potential emotional resonance. keep in mind course such a judgment large part matter taste. agreed mrslovett--and disagreed sorry --that title informs follows fairly delicious way. we lay secrets dying between us rivers emptied on deltas chickadees startled into flight. this couplet makes very nice move pan-continental sudden my thinking effective telescoping scale. wouldn't empty if creates null chiming subsequent then possibly consider more startling preposition for just how their complacency watch tugs bear logs against tide lights dally plash fish. won't rail simple reason like sound dally. do bearing. things less unspecificity c'mon give teak or fir something sensuous cliched aspect though you mean literally phrase can't help but invoke figurative most after dinner tarry over wine toast grief- pressed vintages--another glass another. really asking lot contemporary reader using close proximity i'm all every word language. use archaicisms--associated victorians--serves render precious some unhelpful ways. were other shifts swerves diction complement complicate victorianisms might help. as stands threatens brand your piece set sort 19th-century curio which valence resonance embalmed rather than enacted. bit would work better told was. narrator presumes through elegant locutions victorian certain level social sophistication. s he say be assumed--s he'd shiraz something. lyrical cuckoos trill eve monologue strike midnight rattle toward one. read. cuckoos. poet left behind entered baroque precincts parnassian. iambics heavy-footed too. across three chairs auditorium story feel hook mouth great weren't still hung monologue. taste blood lips red impression kiss. mine. blood. does have kiss hold ropes each minute draw back terminal hours until first light closes valve. want violence verb here claps shut suggestion. otherwise language abstract ok not so hours. read studies breathing one breath stops. don't repetition used way short sentence0 called an awful attention deployment. both these reads could renovated choice. sum hand poem's point show ritual even banal stave off--not death fear create space lingers act. timeless degree. mere fact static delay appearance delaying relieve need enrich reader's experience. claustrophobic that's fine. also vague careful recycled tropes imagery--at various points--and fine all. sensualist heart suppose demand greater specificity image almost always particular instance it's absolutely necessary. being staved off rituals body--what sensual why love fish stanza best because clear vivid surprising juxtapositions. perhaps revise poem. hope useful gc 85963 re once more i will take on the simile jude goodwin bravo here's some picks from poet's companion kim addonizio dorianne laux cancer ate at her like horse piss eats deep snow norman dubie funeral breasts white wolves' heads sway and snarl sharon olds baled wheat scattered everywhere missing coffins carolyn forch loneliness apreading fast a gas fire frances mayes gull is locked ghost in blue attic of heaven. charles wright 85964 independence day bj we decided upon the city park. a few picnic tables beside small stream crossed by an arched footbridge perfect for bridal march. family and friends most familiar with aa alanon. it was my fourth her fifth. like crying wolf i suppose. unexpected guest poet friend guy worshipped jogged past stayed ceremony. disheveled ex-con who lived in woods he gave me collection of buk s poems as wedding gift months later said could learn from lush. bride showed late coughing sicker than d ever seen her. three new daughters escorted their mom across bridge while brazilian luis serenaded on his clarinet. visited daily at psych ward when deborah lover--twenty years younger-- jilted viola. branded luscious hickie neck about size color grapes crushed mogen david. just well. rained then sun made desperate attempts again continuous light mist bubbles your face glass champagne hawaiian blessing according to wife-- real waikiki beach beauty credits prostitute hawaii 5-o. during dying scene dano tickled feet off camera. that story always bothered because stony-faced lightened up bride. no honeymoon. went meeting night. she took first got out icu. knew would have died if hadn t helped me. probably. those days drink words used beer actually more good wine before had too many. ll be fifteen cinco de mayo. told mexico gained its but lost mine. today m little boy wolf. tonight lie down can stand thought separately remember sleep arms. 85965 re as fire my father bj mike there's sustained tension in this poem that really carries it. i'm waiting for something to happen and it does. some small nits not sure what the beginning adds maybe missing if so ignore. also a town city remembered pets seem redundant. when you bring up string theory chaos i feel like want know more or image make fact sing. otherwise enjoyed reading thinking of father. sincerely melts december snow with each step he takes through pennsylvania field. but there is no field only mud-rutted road where walks under sky filled molten geese which now horror too much heat. sits flat-bottomed boat. poles across water looking down into sees glowing pillows on ashes shape themselves children s faces friends former lovers joyful leaps from pets. believes convenience stores muscle cars fly rod abandoned cellar because longer mix. days old rivers run his eyes. eyes facets diamond fangs snake seven white horses drinking flaming trough. at seventy laying hands an act brings him both pleasure pain moment son close begin burn. 85966 re as fire my father mrslovett mike this has an awful lot going for it in opinion but also some weaknesses that nearly bring down--which is a pity because spots flies very high indeed. starters i would delete every instance of except the title. absolutely love lines without them-- melts december snow walks under sky filled with molten geese etc. by third reading have to confess was simply leaving out on own. ear weakest part poem middle especially strings nouns linked . i'm really not sure what those things are trying tell me other than added layer detail--but further detail gets away from less interests even though ostensibly describing father. want everything be seen through lens moving naturally or magically his world. then soars. try combine two couplets into one four-line stanza. why think there's relationship-- days old river runs eyes like facets diamond seems work me. you might explore different combinations phrases make up four see where they take you. end somwhat unclear final burning could few things--anger sadness memory condemnation these much more potent and overall others. wondering if maybe image does need little elaboration. wonder wnat son active presence at all -- repetitions imply don't effective never actually came together. its best reminds bit ee cummings' moved dooms --which praise. approach something better anchor your magic language physical key poem. were mine keep watching them. enjoyed greatly. thanks chance comment. 85967 the secret cardinal si mon when pope s heart stops skips vespers in his dim lit office. he thinks about children playing games outside. gone their voices linger reach of forever- dying hawthorne. first fingers toes then limbs follow body disappear. outside my window grubs rotting acorns from gutter. click click. rain ceased yard is mud heaven for worms bent blessings. flaps descends. 85968 re independence day si mon altho i enjoyed reading this and read it all the way found too prosy to enjoy as poetry. if were fiction would probably complain that ending was flat almost expected. now others might say straight forward narrative is their liking. so really won't offer any specific suggestions for change. let's see what say. think you decide do much could be trimmed from give more lyrical power. we decided upon city park. a few picnic tables beside small stream crossed by an arched footbridge perfect bridal march. family friends most familiar with aa alanon. my fourth her fifth. like crying wolf suppose. unexpected guest poet friend guy worshipped jogged past stayed ceremony. disheveled ex-con who lived in woods he gave me collection of buk s poems wedding gift months later said learn lush. bride showed late coughing sicker than d ever seen her. three new daughters escorted mom across bridge while brazilian luis serenaded on his clarinet. visited daily at psych ward when deborah lover--twenty years younger-- jilted viola. branded luscious hickie neck about size color grapes crushed mogen david. just well. rained then sun made desperate attempts again continuous light mist bubbles your face glass champagne hawaiian blessing according wife-- real waikiki beach beauty credits prostitute hawaii 5-o. during dying scene dano tickled feet off camera. story always bothered because stony-faced lightened up bride. no honeymoon. went meeting night. she took first got out icu. knew have died hadn t helped me. probably. those days drink words used beer actually good wine before had many. ll fifteen cinco de mayo. told mexico gained its but lost mine. today m little boy wolf. tonight lie down can stand thought separately remember sleep arms. 85969 re as fire my father si mon a poem full of craft and very enjoyable to read. i think the repetition works in this. few suggested edits below. melts december snow with each step he takes through pennsylvania field. but there is no field only mud-rutted road where walks under sky filled molten geese which now know horror too much heat. sits flat-bottomed boat. poles across water looking down into it sees glowing town city pillows on ashes shape themselves children s faces friends former lovers joyful leaps from remembered pets . believes string theory chaos convenience stores muscle cars fly rod abandoned cellar because longer mix. some days old rivers run his eyes like facets diamond fangs snake seven white horses drinking flaming trough. at seventy laying hands an act brings him both pleasure pain moment when son close begin burn. 85970 re lila's painting si mon this is good -- but i think it would be better if taken out of the past tense. also had a problem with gossip as plural...after several readings realized you meant gossipers right and didn't get cooling stripes maybe my ignorance techniques suggested edit below. room has white curtains over bed picture she painted houses in bright crayon colors. leaning like they teeter uphill toward big yellow sun. streets have no trees sun never sets so soon huddled heat. pulls down shade still simmer. cools them then seem cramped hot golden jail. all while shines brighter than steel. paints black just to done opens her window. real rushes room. garden shears on sill gleam. picks tube carmine-- malleable half full cuts across bite into metal smooth soft crushing. pauses even smallest movement more spill. 85971 re lila's painting susan thanks simon. i meant gossips in the way that old women are used to be called because -- they gossiped maybe word is out of coinage now. like it better preset tense. had originally present don't know why changed... for picking out. this good but think would if taken past also a problem with gossip as plural...after several readings realized you gossipers right and didn't get cooling stripes my ignorance techniques suggested edit below. 85972 re the secret cardinal laurel i heard about on cnn. apparently secrecy of his appointment might've been taken to grave with pope. a heart or in heart. so somwehere out there may be who doesn't even know he's cardinal. kind like your 2nd stanza surely does not heck he is. think that is definition bliss. heaven earth. kinda wish this was longer zola. but hey it says what pithily. ain't nothin' wrong pith. putting 1st past tense and breaking line skips skipped how odd picture forms my head skipping at moment papal ceases beating. said i'd crit others. critted instead. might circle back hit i'm thinking if pope can appoint husband right need never do til death us part heart---since real seem cards. pope's body really bothered me. more than thought would. didn't look peaceful looked frowning scowling grimacing. as though he'd alive. seeing teeny tiny feet....i don't worse him naked. made small. shutting up. geez. smile liked poem. husband. man love idea. when s stops vespers dim office thinks children playing games outside. gone their voices linger reach forever- dying hawthorne. first fingers toes then limbs follow disappear. outside window grubs rotting acorns from gutter. click click. rain ceased yard mud for worms bent blessings. flaps descends. 85973 re missing my daughter's doctor visit bj simon unless i'm way off i don't buy these other criticisms. first dad's and daughters are very close. you said weren't there why because probably the mother took her. you're in another season which to me means dealing with getting older loss of senses unlike explosion youth. carry across water is a redemptive protective act. oh well still like it much. sincerely wasn t hear explain coming buds triangulation expected growth. spring. m losing senses. maybe that s cling. for now don mind. someday ll slam front door shout words won hear. need they familiar summer rocks cut feet same once tossed into carried pockets will finally water. 85974 the atheist william when you are very poor ride out slippage in your transmission it far and at night without repair s not because have faith but might make on own. 85975 good god slosh we need a bigger corner they are rubbing off on each other in there like alike similes. my next book with be titled what happend when three poets proudced ninty degree simile's notice-- i never said 85976 make that ninety--nm nm slosh 85977 re the atheist michael mv 1st 3 lines are best. rest would be less telling cerebral with specification viseceral indication and thus even stronger. best regards 85979 review of a relic michael mv the climax finds sun's halo beneath full moon -- perfect lighting for an open-air compassion play. and in keeping with original script score golgothic afternoon - longest-running production evening-matinee recorded there is no sunset bowing out. curtain call applause after it finished dead air just drained corpus christi crucified starlight spades standing ovation vanitas to end all fallen out fallout glowing like phantom's white mask that refuses at opera. 85980 re rags flapping ryan i liked this but was praying for better enjabment - the line breaks felt very stilted kindest- ----------------------------------- your consideration --- she stands in his doorway a pauper her shadow grimy glow of perfect light cannot see herself anywhere box itself. way walls meet curse new women scurry out sight. opens mouth to speak and starvelings fall puling at feet he makes chopping sounds throat doesn't look mendicant shabby shoes rusty trash truck there is no common topic. child hand last leaves flapping. 85981 mother tongue asher she tries her silence softly breaks m. nourbese philip the wall is silent if not absent. you could say black or it darkened absence be pure blinding white. a sound chiselled just before disappears this word quiet tendril. moan shaped was breeze between two places. and sharp wouldn t pierced but slow death as turns in toward itself clawing. doesn turn itself. plunges herself oblique like wall. likeness hearing aid needed though shapes wander through labyrinth of tumble hallway heart. moon hair sharks. there are mouse droppings cabinet left at night can smell traps that sets dreams. they snap shut enjambed pulp carved into bookshelf maple brown. too many similitudes bearing no likenesses. discern stammering door space exited reach herself. sum parts--an audible hinge--if crack open. shouting to outline betrays innards organs grey. garments on clothesline flit away hijab for head jeans make body mutable. let s another organ beats aorta. names beat twice overlapping. one audible. inaudible beat. burlap meaning i name would switch places with erase map body. even flaked solid spliced mandible betray willow isn t. each line fluttered this. m plying were ship murmur ma anymore. don dark. tongues white when blinded. caterpillars brain weaving cocoons. grew entombed absence. 85982 re ceremonial asher hi david i liked parts of this. although the critic in me questions why a writer would want to rewrite aboriginal myth using romantic language etc. it just seems slightly pretentious unless poem explicitly its construction. my two cents. there are this that over reach...and actually remind rilke. end they tended make for me. lines like you bowl-bearer unlikely one. wonder if could be framed more tactfully last line seemed trite undermine myth. sorry cant positive. kanane'ski amai'yehi one brings fire skims lace off lake and finds sediment sifts then wheels new thing clay pot. crawls river first prepares way fire-biscuit feast perfect vessel. container cover fire. who goes east old sea early little sneak on tiptoe after they've failed all given up. risk fall drop-off dry gulch gully. stink dark. coal hot lump rock nothing merely luminous it's too bright believe... ...that possibly spin back. where have do meanwhile is dissemble keep cracking branch puff air beginning when we get excited come. water spider grandmother -- based loosely native american 85983 re ceremonial bj here's an interesting paiute poem and myth how her teeth were pulled in the old times women's cunts had them. it was hard to be a man then watching your squaw squat down dinner hearing little rabbit bones crackle. whenever fucking invented died with inventor. if woman said she felt like biting you didn't take lightly. maybe just ran away fight numuzoho cannibal. coyote one who fixed things he those toothy women. night took numuzoho's lava pestle bed mean hammer crunch ayi all long husband i am glad rest is history. honor him we wear our necklaces of fangs. 85984 re ceremonial robinson caruso here's an interesting paiute poem and myth how her teeth were pulled in the old times women's cunts had them. it was hard to be a man then watching your squaw squat down dinner hearing little rabbit bones crackle. whenever fucking invented died with inventor. if woman said she felt like biting you didn't take lightly. maybe just ran away fight numuzoho cannibal. coyote one who fixed things he those toothy women. night took numuzoho's lava pestle bed mean hammer crunch ayi all long husband i am glad rest is history. honor him we wear our necklaces of fangs. hey bj sorry have inform ya honay but this ain't 85985 first things going backwards ctg pic christopher t. george i. a wee cloud as i squat on the john see through bathroom window in blue sky evolving white. i'm robert burns smoking stogie and it's face of white-bearded man composed smoke rings. he winks at me old lecher. now hand fist unfolding fingers flicking out. an archipelago islands drifting apart dissipating leaving nothing only sky. ii. ditton junction place to pass when motoring east widnes or manchester hurtling from euston lime street sad station platform with maroon britrail sign gaze out flyspecked grassy moat railway sidings chemical dumps curve mersey distance childe hale's church tower middleton 9 ft 3 wrestler court james drooling scot dumper tobacco all very pc long before pc. oh but was talking about ditton. iii. caveseeking like cat craved shelter womb arranged dad's deckchairs into bedouin tent. tall grass behind made hide along my cousins robin julie lair which we'd spy mrs murgatroyd's excursion barleycorn greengrocer petrie butcher for leg lamb 5 pounds spuds sunday. night dived under blankets spelunked deep crawl toward lost world door tomorrow. iv. backward glance driving up charles rearview baltimore mills' classical column president rises ghost white far landmarks past sweep drive slushy kiss andrea beeches hopkins campus scarred our initials english lutheran where susan married second time then mmmm divorced again-- were we nuts what yes found trouble glue- traps. michael franks sings own have grown freedom means that you're alone-- v. epitaph o dauntless bard splendid success constant defeat dashing worker words enquiring mind recording saw life's battle ended sleeps well beside his muse heaven earth helpmate worthy hero 85986 re mother tongue robinson caruso she tries her silence softly breaks m. nourbese philip the wall is silent if not absent. you could say black or it darkened absence be pure blinding white. a sound chiselled just before disappears this word quiet tendril. moan shaped was breeze between two places. and sharp wouldn t pierced but slow death as turns in toward itself clawing. doesn turn itself. plunges herself oblique like wall. likeness hearing aid needed though shapes wander through labyrinth of tumble hallway heart. moon hair sharks. there are mouse droppings cabinet left at night can smell traps that sets dreams. they snap shut enjambed pulp carved into bookshelf maple brown. too many similitudes bearing no likenesses. discern stammering door space exited reach herself. sum parts--an audible hinge--if crack open. shouting to outline betrays innards organs grey. garments on clothesline flit away hijab for head jeans make body mutable. let s another organ beats aorta. names beat twice overlapping. one audible. inaudible beat. burlap meaning i name would switch places with erase map body. even flaked solid spliced mandible betray willow isn t. each line fluttered this. m plying were ship murmur ma anymore. don dark. tongues white when blinded. caterpillars brain weaving cocoons. grew entombed absence. dear little cricket very sad. indeed. least me is. don't have really any nits wished hadn't used 'oblique' 'groups' its own cliches course example masses dark heart etc. mfa iowa whatever cliche anything i'm keeping tally right now top list bang then brock broido ashbery bedient . ok. kidding reason your writing appeals tends unchartered territory so bit wee down thanks 85987 re ceremonial asher quick response bj. i liked this a lot more than david's partly because the native mythos is consistently applied throughout poem seemingly . seemed to falter towards end...by mean trope was connected...click but it pretentiously connected excuse my frankness here coyote seems pretty entreched in poem. language. have little or no problem with however don't time examine one closely enough and substantiate claims though. best regards here's an interesting paiute myth how her teeth were pulled old times women's cunts had them. hard be man then watching your squaw squat down dinner hearing rabbit bones crackle. whenever fucking invented died inventor. if woman said she felt like biting you didn't take lightly. maybe just ran away fight numuzoho cannibal. who fixed things he those toothy women. night took numuzoho's lava pestle bed hammer crunch ayi all long husband am glad rest history. honor him we wear our necklaces of fangs. 85989 re as fire my father g.c. hi mike and glad to meet you. you're new me if not perhaps the block a whole. reminder though typically it's considered good on-line citizenship offer critiques others you want them for yourself. rule of thumb is 2-3 thoughtful per poem post. you've already received several readings this some which i'm going echo. assured very well-crafted -considered. title wonderful. interested in mrslovett's suggestion that let do serious figurative work i.e. delete every subsequent occurrence poem. i think would strengthen terms its rhetorical gestures. it also however deprive certain sense static music refrain. someone who values his poems personally find loss greater than gain. argument persuasive however. melts december snow with each step he takes through pennsylvania field. but there no field only mud-rutted road where walks there's an interesting complex gesture hidden beneath deceptively simple language. are imaginary then melting has real effect on landscape poet just admitted imaginary. either affects or else does affect both swerves into what reader finally concrete setting likely confined province memory. under sky filled molten geese now know horror too much heat. like particular iteration those geese. am so sure about mean seems bit overwritten striving otherwise earning. were i'd trust power something else--something more vivid--with replace second line couplet. sits flat-bottomed boat. poles across water looking down sees glowing town city pillows ashes shape themselves children s faces all dandy. friends former lovers joyful leaps from remembered pets. believes string theory chaos problem first isn't ampersands--it's banality what's being connected. death memory pets was billy graham said our will be us afterlife because god wants happy these tropes familiar--that cliched--they're abstract mention saccharine. avoided anything saccharine cliched thusfar....i strongly advise reconsider line. guess when come up vivid electrifying specific position better below. convenience stores muscle cars fly rod abandoned cellar longer mix. mix --this mordant sad. doing here--to thinking they don't quite seem inevitable necessary same way e.g. means bridging earth useful father's transmutation . days old rivers run eyes. eyes facets diamond fangs snake seven white horses drinking flaming trough. hmmmm. couplet gets dangerously close sort fairy-tale reduction. focus goes fuzzy me. might fine next surprising. simply doesn't we expect diamonds have poisonous snakes fangs. can make similes surprising without compromising overall at seventy laying hands act brings him pleasure pain moment speaker intimates dad actually still alive--that transmuting operates land living rather memory-land dead their survivors such throws badly. admission late conflicts sleights-of-hand animate lines 1-4 inform rest anyone any thoughts thrown idea question alive throughout even supposed point wonder subtle clarify cue toward opening son begin burn. appearance final helps question--presumably speaker--is reified use nor ambiguity burn made clear whole business metaphorical we're prepared invest sorts meaning exist polyvalently. fact syntactically view burning last by implication take touching--making contact with-- risks immolation. really wonderful mike. whether extent. asking. another random thought refrain given couplets author appears penultimate can't help phantom ghazal. intentional two urge rewrite facets- -fangs balance strong. one round re-visioning asking yourself questions to. often most difficult part revising tweaks edits easier. here entirely possible you'll decide after reconsideration wish poem's ambiguities conflations remain exactly are. fine. rich worth little additional exploration moving back present draft end. hope helpful gc 85990 re ceremonial g.c. hi david and good to see your work again. this is so different from what i remember 2003 glad you trying new things. that said isn't as successful for me want it be. i'll echo asher by saying the diction--esp. in forepart of poem--is problematic it's not romantic exactly but stilted--stylized--in a way calls attention itself which think at odds with or else divorced actual gestures images inhabit poem. if poet thought himself i'm going myth therefore must use self-consciously poetic language. um no. also find myself discomfited structural turn poem takes middle left-justified word-spill. such an obvious intentional reader cannot avoid asking why formal choice performing alas can't really come up much answer question. here rhetorical turn--or larger poem--well-served radical departure wish would consider rewriting doesn't quite soar victorian way. there's lot like here. simply reduce are one skims lace off lake brings finds sediment sifts then wheels thing clay pot. crawls river first prepares fire-biscuit. who goes east old sea early little sneak on tiptoe after they've failed.... seems cleaner more powerful me. second part reacting against obvious--and my thinking far too easy--double meaning bright believe followed pregnant elipsis. language finish ...that could possibly spin back uninteresting. potentially very interesting interest obscured flourishes because do described abstract dissemble keep cracking two . just beginning add reading when we get excited palpable letdown terms well whatever vague gesture words might be pointing toward. attempt strip opening stanzas their gold leaf entirely rethink half poem--keeping mind probably retaining anything what's has resonance you'll have harder--make harder--to convey reader. right now intention vanishing into selfsame puff air. hope helpful. thoroughly enthusiastic always read work. --gc 85991 re missing my daughter's doctor visit g.c. hi si mon this is great--at least up through the end. disconnect between title absolute oddity of lines 1-3 fabulous. your daughter a tree yes yes. i also like internal rhymes even obvious ones spring cling they contribute to equally odd slew-footed music that binds poem together. in fact wish you'd done more with toward alas must side those who find ending while self-consciously pregnant meaning not exactly germane double fault. what makes work way which father-daughter relationship and coming are so tightly strangely wound around one another. opens all sorts interpretive possibilities from mythic remember myrrha freudian it them such reader invited take part unraveling or interpretation other words it's complexity enlarges upon spare scaffolding rather than merely obfuscating point. stones though right out wild nexus desire parenthood new growth. they're inanimate for thing if comes fruition final then i'm afraid lithic . another trope--as you pursue it--forces leave both burgeoning behind. we're left speaker his childhood memory rocks individually combination much less interesting has come before. forgive me but line strikes as pretentious its allusions afterlife walking-on-water business full self-conscious import entirely unrelated best gesture represents an act redemption how relates utterly opaque me. seems focused on speaker. speaker's cold indeed breaks faith human life. were would pare back way... brainstorm gestures might close poem's terms poet's assuming draft at hand faithful redaction turn mind composition --gc 85992 re as fire my father mikem hey gc what's up yeah i come and go here from time to though you once crossed paths when we were published together in 2000 the louisiana review. good ideas you've given me ones which will look at later. know about other critiques have picked out a few poems plan on reviewing perhpas later tonight after masters. again thanks for your peace mike. -------------------------------------------------- hi mike glad meet you. you're new if not perhaps block whole. reminder typically it's considered on-line citizenship offer others want them yourself. rule of thumb is 2-3 thoughtful per poem post. already received several readings this some i'm going echo. assured very well-crafted -considered. title wonderful. interested mrslovett's suggestion that let do serious figurative work i.e. delete every subsequent occurrence poem. think would strengthen terms its rhetorical gestures. it also however deprive certain sense static music refrain. someone who values his personally find loss greater than gain. argument persuasive however. there's an interesting complex gesture hidden beneath deceptively simple language. field snow are imaginary then melting has no real effect landscape poet just admitted imaginary. either affects or else he does affect both swerves into what reader takes finally concrete setting likely confined province memory. like particular iteration those molten geese. am so sure now horror too much heat. mean seems bit overwritten striving otherwise earning. i'd trust power geese something else--something more vivid--with replace second line couplet. all dandy. problem with first isn't ampersands--it's banality being connected. death memory friends former lovers joyful leaps remembered pets was billy graham said our be us afterlife because god wants happy these tropes only familiar--that cliched--they're abstract mention saccharine. avoided anything saccharine cliched thusfar....i strongly advise reconsider line. guess vivid electrifying specific position string theory chaos better below. water longer mix --this mordant sad. convenience stores muscle cars doing here--to thinking they don't quite seem inevitable necessary same way fly rod e.g. means bridging earth useful father's transmutation . hmmmm. couplet gets dangerously close sort fairy-tale reduction. focus goes fuzzy me. might fine next surprising. facets diamond fangs snake simply doesn't expect diamonds poisonous snakes fangs. can make similes surprising without compromising overall moment where speaker intimates dad actually still alive--that transmuting operates land living rather memory-land dead their survivors such throws badly. admission late conflicts sleights-of-hand animate lines 1-4 inform rest anyone any thoughts thrown idea question alive throughout even supposed point wonder subtle clarify cue toward opening appearance son final helps question--presumably speaker--is reified through use nor ambiguity burn made clear whole business metaphorical we're prepared invest sorts meaning exist polyvalently. fact syntactically view burning last by implication take touching--making contact with-- risks immolation. really wonderful but whether extent. asking. another random thought refrain couplets author appears penultimate can't help phantom ghazal. intentional there two urge rewrite facets- -fangs balance strong. one round re-visioning asking yourself questions to. often most difficult part revising tweaks edits easier. entirely possible you'll decide reconsideration wish poem's ambiguities conflations remain exactly are. fine. rich worth little additional exploration moving back present draft end. hope helpful 85993 re as fire my father mikem i got two who want me to put out the fires well we shall see about that perhaps not. but thnak you for your wonderful insights. and irish smartass in begs know do love morrison where have gone jimbo peace mike. ------------------------------------------------ mike this has an awful lot going it opinion also some weaknesses nearly bring down--which is a pity because spots flies very high indeed. starters would delete every instance of except title. absolutely lines without them-- melts december snow walks under sky filled with molten geese etc. by third reading confess was simply leaving on own. ear weakest part poem middle especially strings nouns linked . i'm really not sure what those things are trying tell other than added layer detail--but further detail gets away from less interests even though ostensibly describing father. everything be seen through lens moving naturally or magically his world. then soars. try combine couplets into one four-line stanza. why think there's relationship-- days old river runs eyes like facets diamond seems work me. might explore different combinations phrases make up four they take you. end somwhat unclear final burning could few things--anger sadness memory condemnation these much more potent overall others. wondering if maybe image does need little elaboration. wonder wnat son active presence at all -- repetitions imply don't effective never actually came together. its best reminds bit ee cummings' moved dooms --which praise. approach something better anchor magic language physical key poem. were mine keep watching them. enjoyed greatly. thanks chance comment. 85994 re as fire my father mikem hey bj the damn pet line has been nagging me too. i suppose should be more specfic there. thanks for your time.. peace mike. ------------------------------------------------ mike there's sustained tension in this poem that really carries it. i'm waiting something to happen and it does. some small nits not sure what beginning adds maybe missing if so ignore. also a town city remembered pets seem redundant. when you bring up string theory chaos feel like want know or image make fact sing. otherwise enjoyed reading thinking of father. sincerely 85995 re as fire my father mikem hey s thanks for the input. i'll consider your suggestions a bit later. have great weekend peace mike. ----------------------------------------------- poem full of craft and very enjoyable to read. i think repetition works in this. few suggested edits below. 85996 why i cannot completely hate history sachi part of the reason is hat camilla wore to her wedding. a child s impression half sun climbing out storm. bent sideways quills so perfectly blended with breeze that seven year old not honed in grammar style it appeared as natural extension hair. yet she held on bravely. sometimes awkwardly stealing glance at queen if for permission or mercy saying something under breath reminding prince look straight . o god this hat. second-guess because am neither blue blooded nor british and moment somehow reminded one trillion quids grand daddy stole from my daddy. blood turning over like water. feel poorer already. then comes shakes hand balding brown invitee who immediately melts touch royal skin crying loud. oh much more than thousand wind blows away camillia puts plop head. world witness just impassively truth was always there every knew all time. 85997 re mother tongue asher thanks for reading caruso. i think this one is going into the recycling bin. it a strange experiment with voice that woke me up at 3 in morning. he. but needs to be dismantled. hope you're well dear little cricket very sad. indeed. least is. don't have really any nits just wished you hadn't used 'oblique' there are 'groups' and each its own cliches of course example masses dark heart etc. mfa iowa whatever cliche oblique anything i'm keeping tally right now on top list bang then brock broido ashbery bedient . ok. kidding reason your writing appeals tends unchartered territory so bit was wee let down caruso 85998 re action laurel slosh jude mime...thanks for the feedback. lk 85999 origami bird bowen in the kitchen we re folding our fingers around paper ve found under toothpicks paperclips and half-ounce of hawaiian thunder a leftover from last christmas when buying something green festive meant trek across town getting knots my stomach winging excuses patrol cops got cute inquired hey white boy what you doing uptown questions like that i take serious they accompanied by gun. but there are no guns origami. it s peaceful hobby aside bending wills to on shapes three-d birds. wife prefers crane-necked dragons their mouths unhinged ready charbroil lesser beasts. birds know place seldom lose perspective though once flew through door open day ease out smell turkey scorched black kept cracking its beak against image window. took two tokes stood broom-in-hand prepared brush thing room. said let him alone. with cornered she climbed up chair wings pinched her at tips. feet kicked air beneath an effort walking anyone even stoned could see. bent body willed fly shape hands. 86000 re origami bird very silly person bowen this is your best yet. it way outsmarts 3rd place winner. change serious to seriously. i love through and through. that gave me a jolt. regards vsp 86001 re origami bird bowen vsp thanks for the read and comments. i went back forth between serious seriously. didn't know whether to be correct or go with voice. again. best a. this is your yet. it way outsmarts 3rd place winner. change love through through. that gave me a jolt. regards 86002 the girl at mike daniel indenleo she came here to nahville like all of them do dreamin same dream that they ain't thought through but had look and a pretty good sound so i let her sing three nights week in lounge one night this stranger comes into bar say he knows someone can make star well told him right-off heard it before two hours later strolled out door. about twice month now she'll sometimes drop by leaves driver asleep limo outside tells me mix whatever never looks once toward mike. refrain blame no fault just got tired tennessee waltz yeah lost patiencs with so-called agents cause there's some town who'll you around. 86003 re ceremonial david ayers loosely yah. i'll say. ok. stop being an obnoxious freaaaaaaaaak right about now delighted -- thank you robinsonian no appreciate the f b --d 86004 re ceremonial david ayers i really like the surprising end. think use of native myth works well for subject matter. just wasn't able to connect all images pot maker with end especially sense walking away an aha and don't mean that when say have learned or discovered something but somewhere in me i've been touched by some knowledge may not be communicate you me. sincerely bj thanks. had thinking entirely different earlier piece started this cannibalized idea two probably belong here. at least they haven't mixed well. so guess work do on this. nonetheless am glad liked it far. --d 86005 re ceremonial david ayers hi i liked parts of this. although the critic in me questions why a writer would want to rewrite aboriginal myth using romantic language etc. it just seems slightly pretentious unless poem explicitly its construction. my two cents. there are this that over reach...and actually remind rilke. end they tended make for me. lines like you bowl-bearer unlikely one. wonder if could be framed more tactfully last line seemed trite undermine myth. sorry cant positive. asher thanks. have qualms about too now. not necessarily subject matter but way it's presented. rilke yes. i'm averse sounding necessary all ring true had handled properly example think jive with preceding. at least so. thanks again --d 86006 re origami bird very silly person bowen yeah seriously - it s the four syllables thing spoiling things. perhaps in earnest alluding to importance of being oscar wilde. or for real be colloquial. regards vsp 86007 quick thoughts g.c. si mon first are you really zola after all these years i feel--sullied somehow--as if i'd turned my back on the stove and burnt meringue-- as for poem laurel's idea that could push this further i.e. longer is probably a good one often want shorter poems to be extended. other hand there's case made--i am making it--for cutting second stanza. somehow turn speaker's own secret cardinal in backyard seemed obvious banal me add odds with wonderful surrealism like julie speed painting of also stanza's language isn't very exciting--nothing anchor stanza same way vespers hawthorne do think bent their blessings major overreaching esp. since worms thinking more curly than bendy....and while i'm portrayed predator perhaps an avenging angel azrael don't get much spite pope's death . intentional --gc 86008 re the girl at mike very silly person desperate dan this is just to say i shall return do a proper critique. am feeling too ill present. vsp 86009 re ceremonial david ayers hi and good to see your work again. this is so different from what i remember 2003 glad you trying new things. that said isn't as successful for me want it be. i'll echo asher by saying the diction--esp. in forepart of poem--is problematic it's not romantic exactly but stilted--stylized--in a way calls attention itself which think at odds with or else divorced actual gestures images inhabit poem. if poet thought himself i'm going myth therefore must use self-consciously poetic language. um no. also find myself discomfited structural turn poem takes middle left-justified word-spill. such an obvious intentional reader cannot avoid asking why formal choice performing alas can't really come up much answer question. here rhetorical turn--or larger poem--well-served radical departure wish would consider rewriting doesn't quite soar victorian way. there's lot like here. simply reduce are one skims lace off lake brings finds sediment sifts then wheels thing clay pot. crawls river first prepares fire-biscuit. who goes east old sea early little sneak on tiptoe after they've failed.... seems cleaner more powerful me. second part reacting against obvious--and my thinking far too easy--double meaning bright believe followed pregnant elipsis. language finish ...that could possibly spin back uninteresting. potentially very interesting interest obscured flourishes because do described abstract dissemble keep cracking two . just beginning add reading when we get excited palpable letdown terms well whatever vague gesture words might be pointing toward. attempt strip opening stanzas their gold leaf entirely rethink half poem--keeping mind probably retaining anything what's has resonance you'll have harder--make harder--to convey reader. right now intention vanishing into selfsame puff air. hope helpful. thoroughly enthusiastic always read work. --gc gc thanks. suggestions agree needs rethinking--and expanding. even underdetermined unsettled. thoughts piece though. appreciate it. --d 86010 re iceman g.c. hi bj and nice to make your acquaintance. thanks for taking the time critique others' work on board in addition posting own. i agree that image of frozen cherry blossoms is worth pursuing. also as poem stands you're not serving very well. bud early this spring jump into disaster. problem think is--as usual--abstraction. line 2 worst offender we've got budding--not vivid language here but them--and then they problematic two levels first it personifies which i'm sure effective second verb contrasts sharply with skate slip glaze slide verbs subsequently govern poem's physical gestures. disaster it's a sensual null mention one violates show don't tell proscription. reader envisions envisions...nothing. ice slipped overnight left them frigid statues. at slightest tremor hmmmm. couplet quite right. trees seems me would stand more like statues than individual buds--no how precisely does buds yes consistent follow best new growth over doubts fool s grace enjambment here-- choice. however has no idea what these are so ensuing gesture virtually powerless. since doesn't know doubting way evaluating fool's nor there anything inherently visual grace. opens such profoundly you will need revise by about reader's eye doing where you've placed it. love an old glove missing matching mate. complex figure alas bit out place poem. itself speaker having glazed only that-- gracefully slides if were hand --and any questions business leave do we front mate gloves have mismatched mates mean compared himself hand--and pair hands rather single shouldn't bring tactile imagery feels speaker-hand figurative other words love-glove raises answers. my cold nothing gets or out. circles surface. ice-love relate didn't enter last seen inhabiting surface point train wreck terms language. abandon houses. lights can't be singular. had that's plural circles. abandoning title suggests both i.e. product winter emotional speaker's inability completely effectively . trope. given high level imagination figures probably ought pursue further think--esp. brief--that choose images together least undermine another unless trying some severe dadaist dissociation--which seem case unsatisfactory--tho' glove--rather conflict even literal gestures four lines entirely obscured. hope helpful gc 86011 re action g.c. hi laurel my turn again grin . what i love about this poem is its energy the way it takes central idea--ah let us now compare human heart to all sorts of things --and runs with no lunges through surprising turns metrical sonic otherwise hut hat hurt modulation around which organized. bishop references are nice if you get them but not exactly liabilities don't. dislike title more or less intensely. am almost always suspicious may recall exclamation points in a and three together make me positively twitchy. begging for level investiture hasn't yet earned. even though amounts another allusion think can safely abandon come up something better. 1 s that shack woods elizabeth built erected apt-- next tracks where tramp lives lived shaking fist shout windows door i'm so completely point. how heck do out closet monument loneliness love. too easy plead knees worn holes. your shirt left dangling on line like ghost bereft body sags. slip sleeves cleansed skin t smell you--does console. move sure it's really very effective huts have closets after just question....and entirely opposed terrible show don't tell moment. slosh co. aside explain figure ruin figure's value laurel. rest stanza pretty fine. see any good reason why can't cut directly from plead. washline speaker trying absent beloved's clean shirt--but does console final strikes as bit heavy-handed. necessary arms into flensed you. little tidier along these lines perhaps clear by implication items clothing hanging b consoled. 2 pink pillbox tragic widow scrambling retrieve pieces brain skull her perfect suit splattered permanently stained soul stetson bigger than state big lonely star sun seems sad far away yellow withered rose beret cocked at suggestive slant winks girl lipsticked who only wants play tag it. hmmmm. wish jackie o reference weren't quite obvious. obvious an attempt caps neon flashing we were mine i'd either ways complicate image else simply condense star.... lovely descriptive writing here. will chomp missile won't strip petals would kill give chase hmmmmm. major statement rhetorical question aimed reader poet's child-self previous stanza--or both think. others liked tossed right poem. you're ending second section propelling renewed since his agency follows. 3 hurt--or vice versa--that never scab over abrasion studded pebbles--those specks black pavement eh stings matter many times kissed pulse thumps tickles clenched digits bud waiting bloom wrist. hold hand dandy esp. given hoary nature trope working making sonics metrics work sort double-pump somehow invokes air rifle. once questions risky works better here did two. huff puff want bad hat's hard ain budgin ll again. tar feather shove off cliff. watch won lift ringless finger. hell icarus. was yelling oh yeah. goes without saying made pine. alas falls apart two stanzas. brings tale pigs incongruous sacrifice lot interest toward colloquial--in terms voice--which doesn't me. need circle back eb's stanza. while there poems our language yeah works--most recently olena kalytiak davis's--i one them. colloquialism clashes much has before lazy faint-hearted. sometimes seem desperate escape own instance bored annoyed anxious bourbon that's shame point been fresh accomplished. sum first stanzas--minus three-line two--are few tweaks be truly excellent. 3-line also last then try building hope helpful always. --gc p.s. other mind might needlessly clutter picture. extent--if any--is america's literary builder primitive lurking mean thoreau. room fifth within i.e. hart different form thinking brigit kelly's phenomenal wild animals called deer. --just thoughts. luck one. 86012 re review of a relic ryan hi very nice work. i thought there was fine balance between the levity and serious ness subject. only have one maybe two tiny crits evening-matinee recorded - --- didn't really care for felt like failed oxymoron. feel it's crucial so some mixed feelings on this. think perhaps different gesture is needed glowing phantom's white mask that refuses at end an opera. ------ comparison to opera constrains it specific show this poem has lot more say than using will open up bit allow be gold-standard across all shows climax finds sun's halo beneath full moon -- perfect lighting open-air compassion play. in keeping with original script score golgothic afternoon longest-running production no sunset bowing out. curtain call applause after finished dead air just drained corpus christi crucified starlight spades standing ovation vanitas fallen out fallout 86013 after reading tony tost i... laurel i every morning the mirror languishes in its fog unkissed unsmeared. why wipe it off besides d rather admire my ghost. and i'm saving these lips for a real mouth. mountain distance violet at dawn never relinquishes shadow. birds are violently alive flapping through sky singing loud songs smug that they have somewhere to go an oak pine. man clear-cutting forest bed is not lover nor husband. like secret cardinal appointed by pope keep spouse locked heart until-death-do-us part lives tiny closet full of empty wire hangers clang when he moves comes close enough me catch glimpse halo above his head cast from naked bulb. tug string dear. turn light out. m sorry but swallowed key so don t beg. ll peeling apples until get right. honing this knife s sharp. out yard chicken scratches dirt tries find head. evict stranger dead. husband skeleton look how miscellaneous bones protrude clavicles hips scapula pulling stretching skin knuckles form ridge mountains fisted will with twin-sized grave. 86014 re the atheist geoff re. atheist. for william. when you are very poor ride out slippage in your transmission it far and at night without repair s not because have faith but might make on own. if works who dares question perhaps an entry next best american poems that to do with homemade auto repairs i hear stanford is planning one soon. 86015 re as fire my father geoff re. for mikem. this is too silly words. i wish could put it more elegantly and started to take notes but just was not worth it. the imagery obviously impossible even if you often turn around admit same. still remains impossible. there at risk of sounding dogmatic no way get into poem in a sober manner. best 86016 re ceremonial geoff re. for david ayers. hat-tay this reads un-english a series of stab by first phrase then conjunction translations which does not ever convince it is at home as an english poem. remains jabs whole. perhaps was intended to reveal aspect native american folklore but otherwise... kanane'ski amai'yehi you are the one that brings in fire skims lace off lake and finds sediment sifts wheels new thing clay pot. bowl-bearer unlikely one. crawls river prepares way fire-biscuit feast perfect vessel. make container cover fire. who goes east old sea early little sneak on tiptoe after they've failed all given up. risk fall drop-off dry gulch gully. stink dark. coal hot lump rock nothing merely luminous it's too bright believe... ...that could possibly spin back. where i have do meanwhile dissemble keep cracking two branch puff air just like beginning when we get excited come. water spider grandmother -- poem based loosely myth 86017 poem thing asher disclaimer i owe this board about 9 critique...i'm not sure if is a or car bumper. here thing. the would be narrator parade occurs every night at 6 15 pm. 1500 spectators on each side. indians scream hindustan zindabad which means hindu land live long. other side of border moslems chant allah there no music that indian soldiers walk with knees to their chins incite crowds shout louder. 7 00 pm wrought iron gate opened and an pakistani soldier shake hands. day after parade. dust treacherous. let me cross but officials won t cross. how did you get passportareyouamoselmareyou marriedtoamoslem why don speak punjabigive us baksheeshgive picklesgo back india. best do invent narrow road wagha s interior. journey mapping. he can across blindfolded still in space. darkness attempts extinguish darkness. as tunnels underneath sees maps scratchings clay from callused hands work earth. snow edge mind erasing all previous footprints even dig. men amritsar have groomed perhaps romantic. maybe they are reader palm readers. memory returns walled temple tiruvannmalai. mazed city. top arunachala cliff face black throated monkeys sit unearth vessels hold ghee narrative out order it has sign written says cannot defy gravity. find home belong nowhere. meter man meticulously opening bolt monkey wrench emptying quarters loonies. parking now defies sense unscrewing his search pattern him. inscribes scrachings. pokes prods speaks cajoles it. asks for assistance beats will open. falls eye lashes. traffic passes him some cars slow down watch picking rusted shut require wd40. turn around make another india archive almost touch had dig again heart believed stories could join. store open walks patron smiles considerately tells run front aquamarine. gets vehicle searches through seat finds pound city tiruvannamali. doesn't recognize loosen because transfixed went tiruvannamali myth. was created myth puranas ll later . priestly rituals signs more leading transplantation--better yet replacement. 86018 re origami bird barbara silberg enjoyed. only a couple of nits. serious needs to be seriously wills paper will. also since the wife prefers dragons here then has deal with maybe you should reverse it and have husband prefer let all birds. too birds that flys into house identified by types. dove for perhaps morning sp give this an even more concrete bent. just some thoughts. hope been help. --barbara s. in kitchen we folding our fingers around ve found under toothpicks paperclips half-ounce hawaiian thunder leftover from last christmas when buying something green festive meant trek across town getting knots my stomach winging excuses patrol cops got cute inquired hey white boy what doing uptown questions like i take they accompanied gun. but there are no guns origami. s peaceful hobby aside bending on shapes three-d crane-necked their mouths unhinged ready charbroil lesser beasts. know place seldom lose perspective though once flew through door open day ease out smell turkey scorched black kept cracking its beak against image window. took two tokes stood broom-in-hand prepared brush thing room. said him alone. cornered she climbed up chair wings pinched her at tips. feet kicked air beneath effort walking anyone stoned could see. bent body willed fly shape hands. 86019 re why i cannot completely hate history mrslovett hello sachi think there's a good poem in here but it's buried pretty deep under lot of irrelevant detail and less-than-vivid language. maybe some these comments will help you to disinter it part the reason is hat camilla wore her wedding. child s impression half sun climbing out storm. bent sideways quills so perfectly blended with breeze that seven year old not honed grammar style appeared as natural extension hair. bad at all. like way first line continues thought begun title. storm --it's original true. was hat. however just wrong. blade child. perhaps child's language could be yet anyway image needs re-worked clarified. she held on bravely. sometimes awkwardly stealing glance queen if for permission or mercy saying something breath reminding prince look straight . o god this this. chatty serves purpose making narrator real presence lens poem. might sharpen up bit substitute muttering similar. would also reconsider breaks. short lines don't my opinion. second-guess because am neither blue blooded nor british moment somehow reminded one trillion quids grand daddy stole from daddy. blood turning over water. feel poorer already. then comes shakes hand balding brown invitee who immediately melts touch royal skin crying loud. beginning trouble--not you're moving into more serious thematic territory camilla's only deserves much attention amazing starting bend shape. what's interesting me stopped save easily. somewhere connect which still focus melting wedding guest get back track pin specific. water what should cut shortened. padded are quite few lines. really need each separately well poem's body. oh than thousand wind blows away camillia puts plop head. world witness impassively truth always there every knew all time. wasn't before simply end i'm sure rest adds you've already said it. fact although do idea landing your head--and connection there--i know last doing overall contains two very sharp observations jumping-off-point rendered vividly we're take mean give us. hope helpful. thanks chance comment. 86020 re origami bird mrslovett bowen i've read this five or six times now and it's grown on me every time. i think there are one two lines that could be tighter accompanied by a gun just seems like something narrator wouldn't say shape place-holder for better word in the last line would cut from title but overall...i keep liking it more. quiet poem with distinctive voice kick at end. many ways kind of wish write. 86021 re the girl at mike mrslovett hi daniel it's interesting to me that while this doesn't work too well as a poem it might just fine song lyric. do you know john hiatt seems call mind some of his more country-fried lyrics not mention eagles' lyin' eyes . if are trying write genuine lyric and not--as be construed here--a parodies country songs want look up hiatt's songs. try albums slow turning bring family for starters. one my favorite is tennessee plates which an absolutely terrific story about small-time criminal who jumps bail in california picks lady hitchhiker on way out state drives with her memphis steals cadillac graceland garage. written form letter guy writing from prison. part goes she saw him singin' once when was seventeen ever since day she's been livin' between. i never king nothin' but wild weekend-- anyway he wouldn't care hell gave them friends. addition having pretty tight meter true rhymes what we have here voice even without raspy wired delivery get bit loser has quirky compassion talent rationalization. think need give same kind identity. he's through character seen your told. there's no reason tune in. were parody-country-song say terribly funny me. am notoriously humorless. cover all bases. thanks chance comment. 86022 re the girl at mike very silly person desperate dan do i assume that you don't want a proper critique vsp 86023 oh no i really do want a proper critique. daniel indenleo although you make it sound little kinky like spanking or something. regards 86024 you give good crit mrslovett daniel indenleo mrs. l - thank very much for taking the time to say all that suggestion on john h was a great one. also about telling more bar-owner he clearly loved loves her. glad understand radio-friendly as it applies lyrics. regards 86025 re oh no i really do want a proper critique. very silly person how come you are in ny now posted this is st.louis where-ever that is. btw. am working on your poem lyric. it may be tomorrow before see the results. there lot of ground to cover. i've only done first three lines or so. vsp 86027 re oh no i really do want a proper critique. very silly person dan also is somebody paying you to fix these lyrics only ask because your catchphrase leads me think so. vsp 86028 dearest ryan ame - i 'stole' foldingstar ghostling from one of your poems hope you do not mind the word-lifting...i'm sure they will wind up changing anyway. removed name opening to keep other party in my endeavour anonymous. ------ xxxx a heart leaps see wrap secret ropes round ubiquitous evening. then as now same watery syllable- foldingstar. all ideas are obscure enough and yet have been thinking little more each day--i fear inside their brabant cheekbones damp-light almost defeat. but today road amsterdam was paved stillness again found myself eating potatoes by light an oil lamp. certain illuminated upon discovery- these familiar impressions resemble potatoes. it's me hopelessly yam-proof. like bones hear no thing except teeth gnashing. michael 86029 re after reading tony tost i... asher hi laurel-- i'll just jump inside the poem if you don't mind. i every morning mirror languishes in its fog --something other than languish perhaps. unkissed unsmeared. why wipe it off besides --love unsmeared and question that follows. d rather admire my ghost. i'm saving these lips for a real mouth. --like line. mountain distance violet at dawn never relinquishes shadow. birds are violently alive flapping through --they more make explicit. modifier is working hard enough imo. sky singing loud songs smug they have somewhere to go an oak pine. man clear-cutting forest bed not lover nor husband. --yes clear cutting forest...that great. like secret cardinal appointed by pope --not sure allusion here. seems thrown keep spouse locked heart --i would cut start but specific anatomical part...some region perhaps...sorry rush. until-death-do-us part lives tiny closet parady here full of empty wire hangers clang when he moves comes close me catch glimpse halo above his head cast from naked bulb. --this neat somewhat off... tug string dear. turn light out. very subtle m sorry swallowed key so don t beg. ll peeling apples until get right. honing this knife s sharp. --ha danger hubbie apple bit beginning knife... out yard chicken scratches dirt tries find head. evict stranger dead. husband skeleton look how miscellaneous bones protrude clavicles hips scapula pulling stretching skin knuckles form ridge mountains fisted will with twin-sized grave. rest didn't quite work rush sorry. 86030 i don't get it - what catch phrase daniel indenleo and do you mean fix are they broken 86031 re i don't get it - what catch phrase very silly person and do you mean fix ha if is fixed then why are looking for serious critique they broken haahahahaha alalao udfopdld vsp 86032 meanwhile back at the ranch.... g.c. please vsp. we're trying to talk about poetry here. this thread point is not relevant daniel's poem. if you want continue present discussion carry it palaver natter. --gc 86033 re meanwhile back at the ranch.... very silly person please vsp. we're trying to talk about poetry here. this thread point is not relevant daniel's poem. if you want continue present discussion carry it palaver natter. --gc aren't going bother find out who daniel in lion's den where poem i am a singer. that's why said there so much ground cover. vsp 86034 re origami bird bowen barbara what a great suggestion i like that and wish i'd thought of it. i've already fixed wills but thanks for pointing it out. i'm still toying with serious vs. seriously. appreciate your comments as always . you're such big help to me grateful you usually stop by. best a. enjoyed. only couple nits. needs be seriously paper will. also since the wife prefers dragons here then has deal maybe should reverse have husband prefer let all birds. too birds flys into house identified by types. dove perhaps morning sp give this an even more concrete bent. just some thoughts. hope been help. --barbara s. 86035 re origami bird bowen my dear mrs. lovett thank you for the kind words. they're much appreciated and touching. your suggestions. i've printed them out with everyone else's will use revision after this cools off a bit . best a. read five or six times now it's grown on me every time. i think there are one two lines that could be tighter accompanied by gun just seems like something narrator wouldn't say shape place-holder better word in last line would cut from title but overall...i keep liking it more. quiet poem distinctive voice kick at end. many ways of wish write. mrslovett 86036 re after reading tony tost i... bowen laurel i have definite thoughts about this and i'll post them tomorrow. initial response nice. see you your homeboy a. every morning the mirror languishes in its fog unkissed unsmeared. why wipe it off besides d rather admire my ghost. i'm saving these lips for a real mouth. mountain distance violet at dawn never relinquishes shadow. birds are violently alive flapping through sky singing loud songs smug that they somewhere to go an oak pine. man clear-cutting forest bed is not lover nor husband. like secret cardinal appointed by pope keep spouse locked heart until-death-do-us part lives tiny closet full of empty wire hangers clang when he moves comes close enough me catch glimpse halo above his head cast from naked bulb. tug string dear. turn light out. m sorry but swallowed key so don t beg. ll peeling apples until get right. honing knife s sharp. out yard chicken scratches dirt tries find head. evict stranger dead. husband skeleton look how miscellaneous bones protrude clavicles hips scapula pulling stretching skin knuckles form ridge mountains fisted will with twin-sized grave. 86037 re origami bird asher some very fine writing in here bowan. my main problems of a first read were your choices line breaks. i'll put star beside the places where i question linebreaks. kitchen we folding our fingers around paper ve found under toothpicks paperclips and half-ounce hawaiian thunder --ha you suprised me on with cause just it as was thinking asking to throw few suprises poem. leftover from last christmas when buying something green festive meant trek across town getting knots stomach winging excuses patrol cops got cute inquired hey white boy what doing uptown questions like that take serious they accompanied by gun. --the switch shift is obvious tend subtety. may consider shifting right into peaceful. be jarred out flow figure things for myself . but there are no guns origami. s peaceful hobby aside bending wills --reconsider word wills. seems either pointing towards trope haven't seen too obviously shapes three-d birds. wife prefers crane-necked dragons their mouths unhinged ready charbroil lesser beasts. much these lines. lessing seemed slightly off reason. birds know place seldom lose perspective though once flew through door open day ease smell turkey scorched black kept cracking its beak against image window. took two tokes stood broom-in-hand prepared brush thing room. --something more specific than said let him alone. cornered she climbed up chair wings pinched her at tips. feet kicked air beneath an effort walking anyone even stoned could see. bent body willed fly shape hands. --again particular taste...i ending mind you...just one inch less would aid great deal. he. out. mom controlling hell. enjoyed this regardless 86038 re dearest asher hi ryan an improvement over the original imo. some notes to follow. ame - i 'stole' foldingstar ghostling from one of your poems hope you do not mind word-lifting...i'm sure they will wind up changing anyway. removed name opening keep other party in my endeavour anonymous. ------ xxxx a heart leaps see wrap secret ropes round ubiquitous evening. --i like leaps. evening seemed pushing too hard with modifier. thought could simply cut it. then as now same watery syllable- foldingstar. --again it poem needed another line. seems modifiers are much...in particular strain already packed 2 lines. all ideas obscure enough and yet have been thinking little more each day--i fear inside their brabant cheekbones damp-light --very much switch shift into first person well placed. i'm that day is really needed. makes what follow sound slightly trite. almost defeat. but today road amsterdam was paved stillness again found myself eating potatoes by light oil lamp. --this quirky interesting. just feel bit clostrophobic poem...hmmm. probably me. certain illuminated upon discovery- these familiar impressions resemble potatoes. it's me hopelessly yam-proof. -disliked yam proof bones hear no thing except teeth gnashing. yes ending interesting warrant read. general would down on let seams text open allow wander 3 or lines... best michael 86039 re poem thing ryan dear asher - a few comments for your consideration. i like this great deal. found much more coherent than some of other pieces which often jump around in surreal-manner. small nit the second paragraph double mention cross same sentence. it is sort growing on me but that took too many passes to be completely comfortable with it. my first main concern was pov switch into third from he. not troublesome gave amount confusion two paragraphs. perhaps you will consider changing he 2nd forth quarters and loonies seemed out place as belonged another hemisphere world. would reconsider parking meter awfully western. got wd40 began wondering how wound up different at beginning prose. am holding off point until see if eventually tie both these cultures together. well think does between eastern western harsh produce tunnel protagonist digs connecting cultures. something hidden underground. ways narrative order. where ending circles back beginning. still needs tiny bit polishing bury transition. attempt lessen influence since details surrounding are compared lofty world-description eastern. also half-questioning structural changes fairly standard writing one instance jammed jumbled monologue rare instances slashes break thoughts. stylistic they really fit poem. could thin appear might strengthened by form omission. thanks letting comment always treat. kindest- 86040 re dearest ryan thanks mr. a you gave me some good ideas and much needed deletions still i think the sonics need lot of work - im tinkering deciding where want to go. maybe am at dead end with this can't tell what's or bad my won writing sometimes wish someone else wrote it so can say dont like but not sure right now appreciated esp. telling know is getting bit stronger from orig. -- least possibly heading upwards -ryan 86041 re poem thing asher thanks for a detailed read ryan. hard to come by... . dear - few comments your consideration. i like this great deal. found much more coherent than some of other pieces which often jump around in surreal-manner. --yes do tend to.. it seems be the nature my mind...so try use advantage...he. being key verb. small nit second paragraph double mention cross same sentence. is sort growing on me but that took too many passes completely comfortable with it. --i'll look into thanks. think poem. persona wishes border has emphasized because he trying cultural divide within himself arbitarily contructed at least him. emphasied division and his own mind thinking anyway. first main concern was pov switch third from he. not troublesome gave amount confusion two paragraphs. perhaps you will consider changing 2nd --interesting. yes have trouble person...and wanted narrator certain sense so there are layers narrative told different ways. as though each new attempt tell also imaginary very real mind. person impossibility ever crossing b fultilty join disparate parts self settles parody where humerously moving quickly nort america south india finally back border. only place can exist maintain any genuine identity. forth quarters loonies seemed out belonged another hemisphere world. would reconsider parking meter awfully western. liked pun did want signal north got wd40 began wondering how wound up beginning prose. am holding off point until see if eventually tie both these cultures together. --the never ties anything contextualize make paragragh dialogically intertwined one another. that's seeing utterly futile. no joining states heart... line.i what drive at. well does between eastern western harsh produce tunnel protagonist digs connecting cultures. --i wish something hidden underground. ways order. ending circles beginning. still needs tiny bit polishing bury transition. lessen influence since details surrounding compared lofty world-description eastern. half-questioning structural changes fairly standard writing instance jammed jumbled monologue rare instances slashes break thoughts. stylistic they really fit --well again offer context stab prediciment stuck physically psychologically. could thin appear might strengthened by form omission. letting comment always treat. --thanks taking care time honest critique long man ...i suppose guide reader i'm starting notion text wanders finds itself metonomy rather entreched metaphors...sorry sounds pretentious. helps comments...and write intent hope won't sound far flung. kindest- ryan 86042 re meanwhile back at the ranch.... very silly person i was unable to sing any of your song as it stood. have re-written first two verses and can now these. yes they were all minor points but errors appeared in every line. am able these verses. if you want me do remainder just shout otherwise continue strumming. she came here nashville like tend dreamin dream that never think through had look a pretty good sound so sang banjo thrice weekly lounge one night stranger comes into bar says he knows someone who make her star told him right-off d heard before then hours later strolled out door. vsp 86043 re as fire my father mikem jeff it's always a pleasure to find where you enjoy work. if would like i could send more work via email. just let me know. peace mike. ----------------------------------------------- re. for mikem. this is too silly words. wish put it elegantly and started take notes but was not worth it. the imagery obviously impossible even often turn around admit same. still remains impossible. there at risk of sounding dogmatic no way get into poem in sober manner. best geoff 86044 re after reading tony tost i... christopher t george i every morning the mirror languishes in its fog unkissed unsmeared. why wipe it off besides d rather admire my ghost. and i'm saving these lips for a real mouth. mountain distance violet at dawn never relinquishes shadow. birds are violently alive flapping through sky singing loud songs smug that they have somewhere to go an oak pine. man clear-cutting forest bed is not lover nor husband. like secret cardinal appointed by pope keep spouse locked heart until-death-do-us part lives tiny closet full of empty wire hangers clang when he moves comes close enough me catch glimpse halo above his head cast from naked bulb. tug string dear. turn light out. m sorry but swallowed key so don beg. ll peeling apples until get right. honing this knife s sharp. out yard chicken scratches dirt tries find head. evict stranger dead. husband skeleton look how miscellaneous bones protrude clavicles hips scapula pulling stretching skin knuckles form ridge mountains fisted will with twin-sized grave. hi laurel don't know am sure you styled title way since does lead directly into poem as we might expect. just overall lively thoughtful piece good imagery verging on gothic side particularly lover's boney protrusions. ending few lines parenthetical statement intrude somewhat meaning last couple line which sounds odd result. believe should more straightforwardly make do mean grave or our -- twin forward clearing up questions finalize promising poem. all best chris 86045 re origami bird bowen asher thank you for the careful crit. i'm glad liked it. breaks seem a little haphazard intentional--going drugged-out speech patterns of my brother but if they're puzzling i'll go back and make them more proper. thanks other suggestions. i've printed out everyone's comments revision. reading commenting. best a. some very fine writing in here bowan. main problems first read were your choices line breaks. put star beside places where i question linebreaks. --ha suprised me on with hawaiian thunder cause just it as was thinking asking to throw few suprises poem. --the switch shift is obvious tend like subtety. may consider shifting right into peaceful. be jarred flow figure things myself . there are no guns --reconsider word wills. seems either pointing towards trope haven't seen too obviously much these lines. lessing seemed slightly off reason. birds --something specific than thing --again particular taste...i ending mind you...just one inch less would aid great deal. he. out. mom controlling hell. enjoyed this regardless 86046 no - please do continue daniel indenleo i find the contrast between our rhythmic sense very interesting and something can learn from. 86047 re no - please do continue very silly person daniel i didn't say mine was perfect. far from it especially the stranger line. gotta find another word for stranger. and read your sarcasm perfectly like a book bible maybe so goodbye. regards coral 86048 re no - please do continue daniel indenleo coral what a pleasant surprise ns . also there was sarcasm at all in my response i thought the difference our sense of rhythm fact really interesting and something could learn from. best regards 86049 re no - please do continue very silly person coral what a pleasant surprise ns . also there was sarcasm at all in my response i thought the difference our sense of rhythm fact really interesting and something could learn from. this is just to say am still working on first two verses especially involvement stranger situation. needs some filling out. take your face value but always try understand beneath because that matters. hope you are well happy. kindest regards c-vsp best daniel indenleo 86050 re missing my daughter's doctor visit si mon thanks geoff. i think the final tally was in favor of first part. but your vote counts so be sure to often. or what meant say -- for comments. s. re. mon. all its shortness this jumps around from character and subject subject. enjoyed most last part with stones fail see significance rest piece. best geoff 86051 re missing my daughter's doctor visit si mon thanks susan -- seems from your comments you were basically on the same wavelength as i was when wrote this. appreciate thoughts here s. somehow thinking of girl once this like a mother's poem not father's. do girls want their fathers with them at moment doctor's wouldn't have. agree geoff that stones don't take us clearly to recognition. something does tickle me and perhaps is what are getting words we have all spoken in heat adolescence become fashion little carry ever after. or it how tactile remembrances youth pebbles summer mark our passage. but think saying. you've taken regret missed milestone connection be she will saying angry things future remember own parent. bit very filling help. newbie 86052 re missing my daughter's doctor visit si mon well i must disagree about the clinging not being earned. thanks for your thoughts on this one. s. n clings because he she's losing senses if isn't there and unless someone has told of budding etc. how does seemed earned in poem doesn't get jarring revelation onset puberty so is a little unearned to me. last line seems be summing up that i'm often lambasted too up. enjoyed language feel level just few bugs work out think. best a. bowen 86053 re missing my daughter's doctor visit si mon thanks m. why is the eternal rhyme bad i appreciate your help -- s. delete word spring - internal w cling . melic light question as understand it deadline for upcoming over from submissions guidelines we are a triquarterly and publish new issues on first of april august december. always open but cut-off date inclusion in issue month preceding next issue. thus no will be considered after march 1. still you might give try include header. best regards mv 86054 re missing my daughter's doctor visit si mon thanks bj -- i enjoy the type of poem that you describe. not always or even often write this poem. glad liked one. s. simon is beautifully done. in a very few words have captured child parent generational and human frailty dilemma. bravo love rock image which doesn't carry because rest need carrying end just brings it to fruition. these are kind poems like. simple easily accessible codified all head intelligence. read quote somewhere poetry must transcend intelligence almost successfully. there spoken me think was real common deeply felt emotion buttressed those codes. sincerely 86055 re missing my daughter's doctor visit si mon yes....my thoughts exactly. s. 86056 re after reading tony tost i... bowen laurel okay. digesting this piece i come away feeling strange about it. first of all don't know and somehow feel that must read him to get piece. unlike your ashberry poem which worked without the allusion think one might not be as successful. me sum these parts doesn't make a whole. it's very possible i'm missing something completely but find jagged in an awkward way. course there is much admire. fact everything wonderful just fabulous images are making right kind impact on me. love up like secret cardinal . by mean following you. hate you abandoned mirror seemed so promising writing nice although languishes line right. for some reason want stalls' that's either. long o sounds here equalization form content kudos that. birds' singing easy loud songs. i'd drop pine oak let birds have somewhere go place less specific. those bird flap violently instead being alive. you're better at poetry stuff than am. instincts usually dead-on whereas mine aren't. listen others who having luck with their own work am now. best a. definite thoughts i'll post them tomorrow. initial response nice. see homeboy 86057 re missing my daughter's doctor visit si mon thanks gc -- i only seem able to write halfpoems lately. back the writing board for me. and really didn't intend it be walking on water. i'm afraid levis poem blue stone was working it's way front of mind. appreciate your insight hi this is great--at least up through end. disconnect between title absolute oddity lines 1-3 fabulous. daughter a tree yes yes. also like internal rhymes even obvious ones spring cling they contribute equally odd slew-footed music that binds together. in fact wish you'd done more with toward alas must side those who find ending while self-consciously pregnant meaning not exactly germane double fault. what makes work which father-daughter relationship coming are so tightly strangely wound around one another. opens all sorts interpretive possibilities from mythic remember myrrha freudian them such reader invited take part unraveling or interpretation other words complexity enlarges upon spare scaffolding rather than merely obfuscating point. stones though right out wild nexus desire parenthood new growth. they're inanimate thing if comes fruition final then lithic . another trope--as you pursue it--forces leave both burgeoning behind. we're left speaker his childhood memory rocks individually combination much less interesting has come before. forgive me but line strikes as pretentious its allusions afterlife walking-on-water business full self-conscious import entirely unrelated best gesture represents an act redemption how relates utterly opaque seems focused speaker. speaker's cold indeed breaks faith human life. were would pare way... brainstorm gestures might close poem's terms poet's assuming draft at hand faithful redaction turn mind composition --gc 86058 re the secret cardinal si mon well -- did you write your husband poem thanks for looking at this one i heard about on cnn. apparently secrecy of his appointment might've been taken to grave with pope. a heart or in heart. so somwehere out there may be who doesn't even know he's cardinal. kind like 2nd stanza surely does not heck he is. think that is definition bliss. heaven earth. kinda wish was longer zola. but hey it says what pithily. ain't nothin' wrong pith. putting 1st past tense and breaking line skips skipped how odd picture forms my head skipping moment papal ceases beating. said i'd crit others. critted instead. might circle back hit i'm thinking if pope can appoint right need never do til death us part heart---since real seem cards. pope's body really bothered me. more than thought would. didn't look peaceful looked frowning scowling grimacing. as though he'd alive. seeing teeny tiny feet....i don't worse him naked. made small. shutting up. geez. smile liked poem. husband. man love idea. laurel when s stops vespers dim office thinks children playing games outside. gone their voices linger reach forever- dying hawthorne. first fingers toes then limbs follow disappear. outside window grubs rotting acorns from gutter. click click. rain ceased yard mud worms bent blessings. flaps descends. 86059 re quick thoughts si mon thanks gc -- i know nothing about meringue thought it was a dance so not sure what your comment intended. did you go to awp how if greatly enjoy reading all crits first are really zola after these years feel--sullied somehow--as i'd turned my back on the stove and burnt meringue-- as for poem laurel's idea that could push this further i.e. longer is probably good one often want shorter poems be extended. other hand there's case made--i am making it--for cutting second stanza. somehow turn speaker's own secret cardinal in backyard seemed obvious banal me add odds with wonderful surrealism like julie speed painting of also stanza's language isn't very exciting--nothing anchor stanza same way vespers hawthorne do think bent their blessings major overreaching esp. since worms thinking more curly than bendy....and while i'm portrayed predator perhaps an avenging angel azrael don't get much spite pope's death . intentional --gc 86060 a poem that starts in the middle and ends of cours si mon course my life i pack dark suitcase -- handful tiger-eye marbles map her inner thigh this morning where keep waking to weeping willows books filled with lyrical warrants blemished fabric youth. there are reasons for remembering. smell wintergreen think blue perm bottomless purse. is keys on ring. but hasn t clue as which metal desk rusted padlock old shed they might open. all desire discover room without door. nurse planning escape hopes catching some tv show. should she stop milk breakfast oatmeal an option. jello makes me lingering sadness roosts corners hot rooms. why we insist interfering order things. when say things mean life. end it course. 86061 re dearest si mon well -- for me i liked all of this and in fact might state is my favorite your recent postings. only objection to ubiquitous the rest rolls off tongue brain. but makes stop think about words other things keeps from poem. good work. xxxx a heart leaps you see wrap secret ropes round evening. then as now same watery syllable- foldingstar. ideas are obscure enough yet have been thinking little more each day--i fear inside their brabant cheekbones damp-light ghostling almost defeat. today road amsterdam was paved stillness again found myself eating potatoes by light an oil lamp. certain illuminated upon discovery- these familiar impressions resemble potatoes. it's hopelessly yam-proof. like bones hear no thing except teeth gnashing. ryan michael 86062 re after reading tony tost i... si mon some comments below -- i every morning the mirror languishes in its fog unkissed unsmeared. why wipe it off besides d rather admire my ghost. and i'm saving these lips for a real mouth. mountain distance violet at dawn never relinquishes shadow. altho know you are working languises of relinguishes me doesn't work. would use something simplier shadow birds violently alive flapping through sky name trees not too singing loud songs smug that they have somewhere to go an oak pine. man clear-cutting forest bed is lover nor husband. like secret cardinal appointed by pope keep spouse locked heart ok...so see did post poem... until-death-do-us part lives tiny closet full empty wire hangers clang when he moves comes close enough catch glimpse halo above his head cast from naked bulb. tug string dear. turn light out. m sorry but swallowed key so don t beg. ll peeling apples until get right. honing this knife s sharp. out yard chicken scratches dirt tries find head. evict stranger dead. husband skeleton look how miscellaneous bones protrude clavicles hips scapula pulling stretching skin knuckles form ridge mountains fisted will with twin-sized grave. had one up mister death enters poem. then kindof knew what was coming went looking gum --as always well written good ear sounds. just wanted beyond 86063 re origami bird laurel so your intent is for the poem to be spoken and um broken as if it were being related by a person who's stoned that's case per comments asher then damn i want lot more white space alot less wnat linebreaks even stranger. pause in poem. kitchen we fold our fingers around paper ve found under toothpicks paperclips half-ounce of hawaiian thunder leftover from last xmas when buying something green meant trek across town bending paper's will take on shapes three-dimensional birds. my wife prefers crane-necked dragons mouths unhinged charbroil lesser beasts. flew through door open ease out smoke scorched turkey. kept cracking its beak against reflection window. took two tokes stood broom hand prepared beat thing room. but said no let him alone climbed chair wings pinched her at tips. feet kicked air. she bent willed fly shape hands. well...i cut alot. probably too much. didn't make strange. did inject via space. reader partaker knowing how vivid slow-motion everything one's influence ---damn writing that makes me realize lines should really long...--i wanted detail. what kind about process making recall cutting piece once while deep haha....and was entranced watching come apart tried wrapping presents with friend erin---that's why paper---but actually boxes impossible me---i couldn't do it. wow imagine folding all those before final emerges would be....really dreamy. smile shhh. don't tell anyone. besides never inhale. grin like poem...but man it's told perspective stonier. 86064 re mis match revision laurel damn. i didn't crit this. could've sworn that had...but guess didn't. and thought had because i've read reread the poem started crits abandoned them...and mulled after reading it. do you post on other boards are familiar with ankush's poetry when i'm reminded of his work vice versa. 2 have a voice-vision that's so distinctive different from average american poets. certainly difference richness image message is due to cultural differences. ankush makes me realize how limited my is. really broaden list encompass more world poetry. fear tend most poets...and damn there's whole wide out there missing on. don't any nits. agree those who said should be submitting your work. only confusion was epigraph which initially as being such lack quotation marks or italics. otherwise please know revisited this multiple times...and even now upon rereading it i'll back again. friend all poet ask their beg reread. 86065 re a poem that starts in the middle and ends of c bowen si mon thoughts within. course my life i pack dark suitcase -- handful tiger-eye marbles map her inner thigh this morning where keep waking to weeping willows books filled with lyrical warrants blemished fabric youth. there are reasons for remembering. smell wintergreen think blue perm bottomless purse. completely dig strophe but not willows. can't explain why didn't. is keys on ring. hasn t clue as which metal desk rusted padlock old shed they might open. all desire discover room without door. nurse planning escape hopes catching some tv show. should she stop milk breakfast oatmeal an option. sure reason mention we're reading poem. could sacrifice poem's self-ref parts still kick out jams. jello makes me lingering sadness roosts corners hot rooms. we insist interfering order things. when say things mean life. end it course. love idea last wonder if be tighter. line seems loose. got screw driver tighten down little nice work though. enjoyed. especially ending build up. a. 86066 re why i cannot completely hate history sachi mrs lovett thanks indeed for your incisive crit. comments did help. it definitely need work and at least know what areas to on. appreciate the time you took read regards hello think there's a good poem in here but it's buried pretty deep under lot of irrelevant detail less-than-vivid language. maybe some these will help disinter not bad all. like way first line continues thought begun title. sun climbing out storm --it's original true. that was hat. however honed grammar style is just wrong. blade child. perhaps child's language could be yet anyway image needs re-worked clarified. this. chatty serves purpose making narrator real presence lens poem. might sharpen up bit substitute muttering saying something her breath or similar. would also reconsider breaks. short lines don't my opinion. beginning trouble--not because you're moving into more serious thematic territory camilla's hat only deserves so much attention amazing as starting bend shape. what's interesting me if stopped save easily. somewhere connect turning over blood which still focus melting wedding guest get back on track pin this specific. water moment somehow reminded should cut shortened. padded are quite few lines. really each separately well part poem's body. wasn't trillion before simply end plop head. i'm sure rest adds you've already said it. fact although do idea landing head--and connection there--i last doing overall contains one two very sharp observations jumping-off-point rendered vividly we're take away from all mean give us. hope helpful. chance comment. 86067 re dearest sachi dear ryan 'a heart leaps you see to wrap secret... i think could take another stab at the starting premise--a leaping an evening in my opinion is unreal--and perhaps too 'poetic'. 'ubiquitous' only makes it worse. what's ubiqutous from there on..because images and meanings becomes obscurer...like damp light...this reader looking for something hold on.. brabant cheekbone a nice ambiguity but because am not sure about its significance poem image fails register. thanks read. cheers. 86068 re poem thing sachi hello asher in my small opinion its a great beginning the parade. there lies too..a culture wasted imbibed pagentry. but sadly narrator did not dwell on it. structure needs some coherence for this reader--because far from arousing interest it interrupts. shift point of view work either. loonies quarters parking meters arunachal perhaps could me made to belong..but yet. title is course intriguing. many thanks romp. cheers disclaimer i owe board about 9 critique...i'm sure if or car bumper. here thing. would be parade occurs every night at 6 15 pm. 1500 spectators each side. indians scream hindustan zindabad which means hindu land live long. other side border moslems chant allah no music that indian soldiers walk with knees their chins incite crowds shout louder. 7 00 pm wrought iron gate opened and an pakistani soldier shake hands. day after dust treacherous. let cross officials won t cross. how you get passportareyouamoselmareyou marriedtoamoslem why don speak punjabigive us baksheeshgive picklesgo back india. best do invent narrow road wagha s interior. journey mapping. he can across blindfolded still space. darkness attempts extinguish darkness. as tunnels underneath sees maps scratchings clay callused hands earth. snow edge mind erasing all previous footprints even dig. men amritsar have groomed romantic. maybe they are reader palm readers. memory returns walled temple tiruvannmalai. mazed city. top arunachala cliff face black throated monkeys sit unearth vessels hold ghee narrative out order has sign written says cannot defy gravity. find home belong nowhere. meter man meticulously opening bolt monkey wrench emptying loonies. now defies sense unscrewing his search pattern him. inscribes scrachings. pokes prods speaks cajoles asks assistance beats will open. falls eye lashes. traffic passes him cars slow down watch picking rusted shut require wd40. turn around make another india archive almost touch had dig again heart believed stories join. store open walks patron smiles considerately tells run front aquamarine. gets vehicle searches through seat finds pound city tiruvannamali. doesn't recognize loosen because transfixed went tiruvannamali myth. was created myth puranas ll later . priestly rituals signs more leading transplantation--better yet replacement. 86069 re a poem that starts in the middle and ends of c barbara silberg enjoyed but needs bit tightening. see inlines for my suggestions. hope to have been help. s. course life i pack dark suitcase -- handful tiger-eye marbles map her inner thigh like this image. get image lover here morning where keep waking weeping want you use different modifier maybe something suggest sursusant sp sound leaves whispering willows books filled with lyrical warrants blemished fabric youth. there are reasons remembering. smell wintergreen think blue perm bottomless purse. contrast above an older lady purse gives me idea sugarmama. so is gigalo speaking about his 'girlfriend' dying keys on ring. device it's not which hasn t clue poem's narrator. as metal desk rusted padlock old shed they might open. all desire discover room without door. nurse planning escape hopes catching some tv show. should she stop milk breakfast oatmeal option. why shifting focus from female your narrator these lines distract rather than add poinency. please forgive spelling today. dyslexics bad days rainy i've yet spellcheck work. jello makes lingering sadness roosts corners hot rooms or cold neither much sense just leave us hanging change directions . we insist interfering order things. when say things mean life. end it course. 86070 re dearest ryan the letter is about van gogh's - potatoe eaters which a picture of these leather faced brabant peasants eating potatoes but that not my justification for why it there maybe doesnt need to be i see what you are saying opening and am still thinking everything thanks stopping in commenting. 86071 re dearest ryan thanks for your comments - i liked poem above and am gonna get to it today or tomorrow was def. a fun read 86072 revisions robinson caruso cc bc any help appreciated. this one is not done but i've run out of time. thanks. for the tent revivalist stricken by amoeba d moonlight. unbridled bridgedness guitar loosely plays sitar. massacre mascara taken too far like a glass slide sari wrapped around safari. in jar cricket s licked leg begged to differ with fountain pen. have you ever been on road as straight ruler afoola said valley girl. was then that wonton tumbled upon non-referential self-determination. mean illegal alien or enriched uranium she read all his books he come take her off hook just look. henna para la morena. same token don t speak while spoken do however explain rice-cake mattress failed stress test onion doubling mummy and lamp -- cross-section hop scotched invective. sells sushi down sea shore we ve thinking about joining solvent convent now washington picked up. it gets me rhapsody rustic rain collapsed peace process creases my skin harboring origami birds pure curve. white cliffs dover. nose rubbing corolla. lump throat. 86073 re apostrophe-thanks all mesela b reeb ryan bowen glad you enjoyed. susan mrslovett simon-- i am working on backing off those earlier strophes. asher-thanks for the in-line comments. very helpful. gc-- this was first time have posted here. thanks so much taking this. hear emotional resonance part especially. were kind enough to mention that it might be a matter of taste but would rather than intellectual gymnastics. again apostrophe we lay secrets dying between us rivers emptied deltas chickadees startled into flight. watch tugs bear logs against tide and lights dally sudden plash fish. after dinner tarry over wine toast grief- pressed vintages--another glass another. lyrical cuckoos trill eve in monologue strike midnight rattle toward one. read. across three chairs auditorium your story feel hook my mouth blood lips red impression like kiss. mine. blood. hold ropes each minute draw back terminal hours until light closes valve. read studies breathing how one breath follows stops. 86074 re revisions robinson caruso cc bc ok. found a mistake alweady should be she sells sushi by the sea shore thanks wobinson 86075 re origami bird bowen no. not currently stoned but someone who has spent a lifetime and thus few little problems in regularizing his her speech. thanks for the detailed crit suggestions. i know what you mean too. majored bong studies college about year. so your intent is poem to be spoken um broken as if it were being related by person who's that's case per comments asher then damn want lot more white space alot less wnat linebreaks even stranger. pause poem. kitchen we fold our fingers around paper ve found under toothpicks paperclips half-ounce of hawaiian thunder leftover from last xmas when buying something green meant trek across town bending paper's will take on shapes three-dimensional birds. my wife prefers crane-necked dragons mouths unhinged charbroil lesser beasts. flew through door open ease out smoke scorched turkey. kept cracking its beak against reflection window. took two tokes stood broom hand prepared beat thing room. said no let him alone climbed chair wings pinched at tips. feet kicked air. she bent willed fly shape hands. well...i cut alot. probably too much. didn't make strange. did inject via space. reader partaker knowing how vivid slow-motion everything one's influence ---damn writing that makes me realize lines should really long...--i wanted detail. kind process making recall cutting piece once while deep haha....and was entranced watching come apart tried wrapping presents with friend erin---that's why paper---but actually boxes impossible me---i couldn't do it. wow imagine folding all those before final emerges would be....really dreamy. smile shhh. don't tell anyone. besides never inhale. grin like poem...but man it's told perspective stonier. laurel 86076 re origami bird mesela b reeb i really liked this from here but there are no guns in origami. it s a peaceful hobby aside bending the wills of paper to take on shapes three-d birds. my wife prefers crane-necked dragons their mouths unhinged and ready charbroil lesser beasts. birds know place seldom lose perspective though once flew through our kitchen door open that day ease out smell christmas turkey scorched black kept cracking its beak against image window. took two tokes stood broom-in-hand prepared brush thing room. said let him alone. with cornered she climbed up chair by wings pinched her fingers at tips. feet kicked air beneath an effort walking anyone even stoned could see. bent body willed fly shape hands. like part because is focused floundered bird. focused. found earlier poem focus. meandering images did not connect for me. think you lop off whole top have better poem. focus component making good unless stridently trying do language don't see evidence here. nor find reason meander emulate content-the am sure mention dope smoking helps latter half. if point introduce fogginess prior formation creating vehicle. seems too lightweight easy such nice idea. we folding around ve under toothpicks paperclips half-ounce hawaiian thunder leftover last when buying something green festive meant trek across town getting knots stomach winging excuses patrol cops got cute inquired hey white boy what doing uptown questions serious they accompanied gun. 86077 marriage counseling bowen push down the lever long enough and a toaster is flamethrower. drop it in tub an executioner. contemplate combustible center of conversation which truth you ll discover inarticulate yes i fucked your sister. no didn t think during. s random this drive-by dreaming houses along way all lined with meters connected to cash registers x-linked corporal understanding that hot water necessary for shower sex always accompanied by cold washing up spine . wedding ring more clang than melodious chime vow approximation future mutable intentions. boredom billboard. sign one winter-worn grass coming green again. mowed. two hammock lazy shadow swinging over coming-green grass. mowed summer already gone winter back. until level discipline. fill tub. life depends on hands. mouth useless. 86078 re origami bird bowen you're probably right. thanks for reading and offering your thoughts. they're both appreciated. best a. i really liked this from here but there are no guns like that part because it is focused on an image of a floundered bird. focused. found the earlier poem out focus. meandering images did not connect me. think you could lop off whole top have better poem. focus component making good unless stridently trying to do language don't see evidence here. nor find reason meander emulate content-the origami. am sure mention dope smoking helps latter half. if its point introduce fogginess prior their formation creating vehicle. seems too lightweight easy such nice idea. mesela 86079 re marriage counseling ryan overall - this was great the first strophe perfecto. only problem part of s2 below it drifted off course a bit felt poem could do without or maybe condensed version of. s random drive-by dreaming houses along way all lined with meters connected to cash registers x-linked corporal understanding that hot water is necessary for shower sex truth always accompanied by cold washing up spine . ----- thanks sharing fun read 86080 re poem thing asher sachi-- where you been this place is going to the dogs and people like give it life... . thanks for stopping by. i quite agree with you. isn't working. needs more space explore a explicit reason switch narrative point of view perhaps. i'll be working on stuff in summer hope. when university burns down. gawd. it's stifling. do hope you're well glad poking your head hello my small opinion its great beginning parade. there lies too..a culture wasted imbibed pagentry. but sadly narrator did not dwell it. structure some coherence reader--because far from arousing interest interrupts. shift work either. loonies quarters parking meters arunachal perhaps could me made belong..but yet. title course intriguing. many romp. cheers sachi 86081 re revisions asher caruoso i'm obsessed with poems like these lately...and i'll say it again because helps me to consider poetics. this sort of playful language i massacre mascara taken too far a glass slide sari wrapped around safari. --where you create meaning though sound-images that connect through metonomy. where surface is linked rather than some underlysing metaphor. sound and words melt down into eachother. does make sense what want explore bit more. think metaphors come in writing but as by chance premeditated act. how see surface...that there so much on the colour vibrancy...the capeability for poem simply says not have duel neo platonic structure...anyway it's all been said before understand hope you'll excuse me... wonder now safari working within body poem. if stays fixed or leaps without any girdle speak. intrigued metaphysical looseness meanings hopefully seep more opaquely. are hard enough warrant turning inward text...anyway. sure your from i've seen help you're doing think. thing driving at name device anyone back this. appreciated. one done run out time. thanks. tent revivalist stricken amoeba d moonlight. unbridled bridgedness guitar loosely plays sitar. jar cricket s licked leg begged differ fountain pen. ever road straight ruler afoola valley girl. was then wonton tumbled upon non-referential self-determination. mean illegal alien enriched uranium she read his books he take her off hook just look. henna para la morena. same token don t speak while spoken do however explain rice-cake mattress failed stress test onion doubling mummy lamp -- cross-section hop scotched invective. sells sushi sea shore we ve thinking about joining solvent convent washington picked up. gets rhapsody rustic rain collapsed peace process creases my skin harboring origami birds pure curve. white cliffs dover. nose rubbing corolla. lump throat. 86082 the device is called h-ram daniel indenleo ... for hopkins-run-amuck. regards 86083 re the device is called h-ram robinson caruso cc bc ... for hopkins-run-amuck. regards daniel indenleo give it up hatitsky don't you remember -- we went thru this already at qed do have amnesia its getting tedious. clearly dont' like my writing. i know this. all it. i'm looking contructive criticism that constructive or did miss something which why post here. and believe me of lot out there how to take criticism. incorporate into peums. swear shall get rid from system really soon type writing mean but in meantime hatit bugga off shove your bloomin arse cordially yours 86084 re revisions robinson caruso cc bc caruoso i'm obsessed with poems like these lately...and i'll say it again because helps me to consider poetics. this sort of playful language i massacre mascara taken too far a glass slide sari wrapped around safari. --where you create meaning though sound-images that connect through metonomy. where surface is linked rather than some underlysing metaphor. sound and words melt down into eachother. does make sense what want explore bit more. think metaphors come in writing but as by chance premeditated act. how see surface...that there so much on the colour vibrancy...the capeability for poem simply says not have duel neo platonic structure...anyway it's all been said before understand hope you'll excuse me... wonder now safari working within body poem. if stays fixed or leaps without any girdle speak. intrigued metaphysical looseness meanings hopefully seep more opaquely. are hard enough warrant turning inward text...anyway. sure your from i've seen help you're doing think. thing driving at name device anyone back this. asher 'ear cricket. truth -- don't 'know nothin' best ever got 'device' actually comes hatitsky himself. one his generous days might called pirouette something forget other word. hmmm. dang need dong key quia stuff um. but. since yor asked question day dont' rememgber knows i'd be very obliged 'rhymthic image' cool. thanks little cricket issue starry night 86085 re marriage counseling annmarie eldon this is meaty. i loved most of it - including the arrangement on page. got a bit stuck word 'random' only because it's latest fashionable here in uk. used to be 'bad' ie meaning good' but now random as 'hey that's random' ipod have their advertising campaign. don't worry connotation thing didn't spoil poem one bit. would suggest someone ibpc s at future time seems unlikely get picked so meaty say you never know. push down lever long enough and toaster flamethrower. drop tub an executioner. contemplate combustible center conversation which truth ll discover inarticulate yes fucked your sister. no didn t think during. drive-by dreaming houses along way all lined with meters connected cash registers x-linked corporal understanding that hot water necessary for shower sex always accompanied by cold washing up spine . wedding ring more clang than melodious chime vow approximation mutable intentions. boredom billboard. sign winter-worn grass coming green again. mowed. two hammock lazy shadow swinging over coming-green grass. mowed summer already gone winter back. until level discipline. fill tub. life depends hands. mouth useless. 86086 brother i look for you bj the last time saw we shared my makeshift bedroom. never lived in a home that wasn t business. singer turned barber coming back to our gypsy family after split waiting tables on weekend nights extra money. her picture still intact taped dash of your new bonneville was sold junk few weeks later smiling as she straddles blue tricycle bought birthday. knew but would wake up and hear sob hours came late stumbling swell smoke despair thick memories ve buried dug thousand times since. again night. dressed impeccably razor- cut around ears were singing walked past. called ran caught where were. 86087 re revisions slosh have you ever been on a road as straight ruler unless intended it-- the word is rule 'ruler king or queen not measureing device. 86088 riff 18.1 death and taxes david halitsky i met with staged dismay each rainy day so as to fool my mother who by noon would say find some other place play. even though the rain stop soon was in that barn craved heat engendered its cool empty bays. became a for us meet slowly learned how unlearnt were ways. we stay yet not until it rained often at last you reigned above your subject he did will. wherefore memory of well trained i'll pay on steals from mind's embrace. sonnet 18 shall compare thee summer's thou art more lovely temperate rough winds do shake darling buds may lease hath all too short date sometime hot eye heaven shines is his gold complexion dimm'd every fair declines chance or nature's changing course untrimm'd but thy eternal summer fade nor lose possession ow'st brag wander'st shade when lines time grow'st long men can breathe eyes see lives this gives life thee. 86089 re a poem that starts in the middle and ends of c si mon thanks ab -- i took most your suggestions but will resist posting revision here. time tell. appreciate help with this thoughts within. completely dig strophe not weeping willows. can't explain why didn't. sure for reason to mention we're reading poem. think could sacrifice poem's self-ref parts still kick out jams. love idea last wonder if it be tighter. is we insist line seems loose. got screw driver tighten down little nice work though. enjoyed. especially ending build up. a. bowen 86090 re marriage counseling bowen am thanks for the read and comment compliment. you said that loved most of it. would mind pointing to some places didn't like or thought needed help i too way poem is laid out on page. course do intentionally i.e. set make it look but found form creating itself . does sense anyway thanks. a. this meaty. - including arrangement got a bit stuck word 'random' only because it's latest fashionable here in uk. used be 'bad' ie meaning good' now random as 'hey that's random' ipod have their advertising campaign. don't worry connotation thing spoil one bit. suggest someone ibpc s at future time seems unlikely get picked so meaty say never know. annmarie 86091 re marriage counseling bowen ryan wow. what a compliment. thank you for commenting. i'll take look at the second strophe and see if i can tighten screws down some on it. best a. overall - this was great first perfecto. only problem part of s2 below it drifted off course bit felt poem could do without or maybe condensed version of. ----- thanks sharing fun read 86092 re a poem that starts in the middle and ends of c si mon thanks barbara -- good suggestions. i just told ab wouldn't post revision but think will put it here...hopefully this resolves some issues you had with poem. pack dark suitcase handful tiger-eye marbles map her inner thigh morning where wake to weeping widows books filled lyrical warrants blemished fabric youth. there are reasons for remembering. smell wintergreen blue perm bottomless purse. somewhere sits life key ring no clue as which metal desk rusted padlock old shed they might open. desire discover doorless room. nurse plans escape hoping catch favorite tv show. finally commercial jello makes me lingering sadness roosts corners hot rooms. we insist on interfering order things. when say things mean life. end course. 86093 re revisions mimesis http www.onelook.com w ruler ls a 86094 re after reading tony tost i... mimesis ah....this is good the man clear-cutting a forest in my bed not lover nor husband. like secret cardinal appointed by pope i keep spouse locked heart until-death-do-us part lives tiny closet full of empty wire hangers that clang when he moves comes close enough for me to catch glimpse halo above his head cast from naked bulb. tug string dear. turn light out. m sorry but swallowed key so don t beg. 86095 re dearest mrslovett hi ryan i don't remember an earlier version of this so it's news to me. would strongly consider titling the poem without any xxx's. title works well enough think although you might keep looking just because it has no real zing. really neither introduction nor invitation poem. a start. xxxx heart leaps see wrap secret ropes round ubiquitous evening. then as now same watery syllable- foldingstar. all my ideas are obscure and yet have been thinking little more each day--i fear inside their brabant cheekbones damp-light ghostling agree with general consensus nix --it's rarely poem-worthy word anyway. know though beginning seems very busy. reader is confronted rapid-fire succession words sort through. i'm not sure that need either or less here. if getting rid scaffolding. make plunge into take time explain yourself fully aid foldingstar at least much better imo . know...there's something appealing me about around sounds right true in character. use heart--though never heart. like conversational gesture --and introduces essential importance seeing speaker's world. fact than anything else up cheekbones. knowing what means definitely brabant. was on verge that's bad thing. everything from l3 strikes unfinished. you're trying say. w atery syllable nice phrase but afraid can't attach slips away once we get again. almost defeat. today road amsterdam paved stillness again found myself eating potatoes by light oil lamp. fine. try tighten language bit-- lamp's some such. wording bit loose. certain illuminated upon discovery- these familiar impressions resemble potatoes. hopelessly yam-proof. bones hear thing except teeth gnashing. yam-proof all. unless can demonstrate yams were indeed part peasant diet you'd hard convincing signifies other poet intruding also easy. does refer overall scene dimples finally last image problematic...do do ending gnashing much. say three strong moments first two lines end strophe end. sense thematic connection between those moments. want too. its mind type space wants occupy. when lands one side fence you'll be able build down accordingly. thoughts. thanks for chance comment. 86096 re dearest ryan thanks for the detailed read - i am busy trying to clean it up but can't get where want at present anyway just clarify this is supposed be first in a series of letters back and forth between me someone else xxxx nothing more than not sharing name who working with. that's all you will repost week or so maybe again when start piling kindest- 86097 re dearest ryan o and the title isnt - there isn't really a yet as i don't know how this will turn out what kind of letter get back so forth 86098 re revisions robinson caruso cc bc unless you intended it-- the word is rule a 'ruler king or queen not measureing device. that aunty i've been lookin for must be my british background -- know headmaster used to whack us with them rulers what nimemsis said i think. on original line break make it clearer maybe should revert have ever road as straight ruler so answer your question yes did intend preface 'non referential self determintation' bit although might add in this context think meaning extends beyond monarchy etc. etc omg never see movie 'the blob' there by name. sure. fact its clearly phallic goes without saying - -i mean all bloody end ain't had picture of chap measuring length his willy metric system mind but sidetrack here really meant was dont' remember already ok. wait. um. oh yeah discussion poetry nepotism which came up ryan's mention graham interview if surprising whole shebang. course own students win duh now about entire poem reaction statement she made during went like wouldn't want sort hell inflicted upon anyone love one loved ones found extremely fascinating larger humanity and i'm full shit. me round passive aggressive way jsutify peum admit pulling halitsky do realize going get fried more coffee 86099 re marriage counseling robinson caruso cc bc hi we have time for won wittle nit firwst stanza wose the 'during' wat -- is speaker a lawer thanks wobinson and sons push down lever long enough toaster flamethrower. drop it in tub an executioner. contemplate combustible center of conversation which truth you ll discover inarticulate yes i fucked your sister. no didn t think during. s random this drive-by dreaming houses along way all lined with meters connected to cash registers x-linked corporal understanding that hot water necessary shower sex always accompanied by cold washing up spine . wedding ring more clang than melodious chime vow approximation future mutable intentions. boredom billboard. sign one winter-worn grass coming green again. mowed. two hammock lazy shadow swinging over coming-green grass. mowed summer already gone winter back. until level discipline. fill tub. life depends on hands. mouth useless. 86100 re riff 18.1 death and taxes robinson caruso cc bc whoa let me be the first to wominate this for a wery noble pwize wobinson of wimbledon constwuctiv cwiticisms i met with staged dismay each rainy day so as fool my mother who by noon would say find some other place play. even though rain stop soon was in that barn craved heat engendered its cool empty bays. became us meet slowly learned how unlearnt were ways. we stay yet not until it rained often at last you reigned above your subject he did will. wherefore memory well trained i'll pay on steals from mind's embrace. sonnet 18 shall compare thee summer's thou art more lovely temperate rough winds do shake darling buds may lease hath all too short date sometime hot eye heaven shines is his gold complexion dimm'd every fair declines chance or nature's changing course untrimm'd but thy eternal summer fade nor lose possession ow'st brag wander'st shade when lines time grow'st long men can breathe eyes see lives gives life thee. 86101 re marriage counseling bowen wobison one nit that's all thanks for reading and commenting. a. p.s. is it you carmela hi we have time won wittle firwst stanza wose the 'during' wat -- speaker a lawer wobinson sons 86102 re marriage counseling robinson caruso cc bc wobison one nit that's all there will be more coming later i assure you thanks for reading and commenting. your very velcome a. bowen hmmm. not is it little cricket i'm so confused here. a sec thought hatit was leo p.s. carmela of course can't tell 86103 re dearest mrslovett sorry didn't mean to sound like i was harping on the title. maybe i've just got a thing about titles these days. 86104 wire william there s a knot of wrapped around the heifer at this farthest end field. it too close to neck i ve tried stop bleeding but dark is tightening on us eyes huge face are asking why haven t brought her into barn by now strung through post which leads another and all way back house warm blood again in my fingernails god what if we have tear whole earth apart fix anything 86105 exaggerated praise is as bad david halitsky exaggeratred negativism i'm sure you're aware. regards 86106 darling i have fed the cat te ballard slipped to side of bed which is yours smelling slightly lime. resisted repented renamed s corner. carry on for ve left four times still you re only one gone. this madness unraveling slowly a string hitting floor and does not move there no hunger. cat. 86107 re rags flapping geoff re. flapping. for jude goodwin. the way various generic characters are introduced on stage and held there is amazing. their place in space makes no sense. worst of all we know nothing about them or care. just a premise two three to fill blanks. seems like. best she stands his doorway pauper her shadow grimy glow perfect light cannot see herself anywhere but box itself walls meet curse new woman scurries out sight. opens mouth speak starvelings fall floor puling at feet. he chopping sound throat doesn't look mendicant shabby shoes rusty trash truck - common topic. child hand last leaves 86108 re wire te ballard william small thoughts there s a knot of wrapped around the heifer at this farthest end field. it too close to neck i ve tried stop blood but dark is tightening eyes are asking why haven t brought her barn by now strung through post which leads another and all way back house warm against my nails god do we tear whole earth apart fix anything thought poem was very lovely 86109 re action geoff re. for laurel. any number of symbols and signs introduced effect. a portentous air voila three part poem is released. this easy writing. hope it wins the diligence prize. best 1 heart s hut that shack in woods elizabeth built erected more apt-- next to tracks where tramp lives lived no shaking fist shout now windows door so how heck do i get or out closet monument loneliness love. too plead my knees are worn through holes. your shirt left dangling on line like ghost bereft body sags. slip sleeves but cleansed skin can t smell you--does not console. 2 hat pink pillbox tragic widow scrambling retrieve pieces brain skull her perfect suit splattered permanently stained with soul stetson bigger than state big as lonely star sun seems sad far away yellow withered rose beret cocked at suggestive slant winks little girl lipsticked who only wants play tag you it. will chomp missile why won't strip petals would kill just give chase 3 hurt--or vice versa--that never scab over an abrasion studded pebbles--those specks black pavement eh stings matter many times kissed pulse thumps tickles clenched digits bud waiting bloom from wrist. hold hand huff puff all want bad hat's hard ain budgin . ll me again. tar feather shove off cliff. watch won lift ringless finger. sure hell icarus. what was yelling oh yeah. goes without saying made pine. 86110 re wire mrslovett william i greatly admire the way this poem opens up from small fact-- there's a knot --to great question at end. you exhibit really fine sense of control and pacing here what blows me away is that employ every tool--diction punctuation line breaks--to accomplish poem's ends. it's example craft in service greater poem. my only real issue one anatomy. i'm not sure how could be wrapped around anything but heifer's neck so it too close to there another term can use thinking something like jugular or carotid have no idea whether these terms are used with cows. other than respectfully disagree wtih te. please don't lose huge face. love it--it's cow sky whole earth asking question. has made day. thanks for it. 86111 re exaggerated praise is as bad robinson caruso cc bc exaggeratred negativism i'm sure you're aware. huh oh don't tell me -- blasted another pawanoid among the masses wobinson regards david halitsky 86112 re exaggerated praise is as bad womble david how negative this i am going to kill myself. 86113 re exaggerated praise is as bad womble if i see any more riffs --that was a riffing hint about the unoriginal title. where did you pinch it from whims site wombly wimble 86114 very subtly done if i read it correctly david halitsky the bonneville was in an accident brother died narrator saw him a dream. so think it's quite competent little piece with respect to handling of theme. immediately brought mind thomas wolfe's more tortured treatment his relationship look homeward angel but same ring truth. you told me how much your meant and made believe it. poetics aside most people here would probably tell this worked as poem . aren't bad either btw regards 86115 in accord re huge face michael mv it's the objective correlative here keep bovine 86116 re marriage counseling annmarie eldon this first part reminds me of alan dugan's work. and there's no 'like s' in it so it's cool. push down the lever long enough a toaster is flamethrower. drop tub an executioner. contemplate combustible center conversation which truth you ll discover inarticulate yes i fucked your sister. didn t think during. s random drive-by dreaming houses along way all lined with meters connected to cash registers x-linked corporal understanding that hot water necessary for shower sex always accompanied by cold washing up spine . wedding ring more clang than melodious chime vow approximation future mutable intentions. boredom ah would cut here billboard. sign one winter-worn grass coming green again. mowed. two hammock lazy shadow swinging over coming-green grass. mowed summer already gone winter back. until level discipline. fill tub. life depends on hands. mouth useless oh perfect - seamless joins presents consitent reality. intuitively get it. can't be any analytical that. don't need be. but say if do. i'll try am 86117 re darling i have fed the cat annmarie eldon some slight tweaks slipped to side of bed which is yours smelling slightly lime. resisted repented renamed s corner. carry on for ve left four times still you only one gone. this madness unraveling slowly a string hitting floor and does not move there no hunger. cat. am 86118 re after reading tony tost thanks laurel to all of you for taking the time read this poem--which i'd forgotten posted whoops grin --and comment. i changed title posting since figured hear some grumbling about it. current is bride not invisible merely veiled. those who said aren't familiar with tost's poetry do yourself a favor and google him. there's plenty his stuff online think you'll like what find. book titled bride. again 86119 http mms.sea123.com z url gd site x 1.htm 2.htm 3.htm 4.htm 5.htm 6.htm 7.htm 8.htm 9.htm 10.htm 11.htm 12.htm 13.htm 14.htm av 15.htm 16.htm a 17.htm 18.htm 19.htm 6 20.htm 21.htm 22.htm 23.htm 24.htm 25.htm 26.htm 27.htm bt 28.htm 21 29.htm 30.htm 31.htm 32.htm 18 33.htm 34.htm 35.htm 36.htm b 37.htm 38.htm 39.htm pp 40.htm 41.htm 42.htm 43.htm 44.htm 45.htm 46.htm mtv 47.htm 48.htm 49.htm 50.htm 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www3.h86.net www4.h86.net www5.h86.net www6.h86.net www7.h86.net www8.h86.net www9.h86.net www10.h86.net www11.h86.net www12.h86.net www13.h86.net www14.h86.net www15.h86.net www16.h86.net www17.h86.net www18.h86.net www19.h86.net www20.h86.net www21.h86.net www22.h86.net www23.h86.net www24.h86.net www25.h86.net www26.h86.net 86120 a tuesday note to judith romus simpson today i was lonely and wanted travel the coast so instead under concave of blue morning resting high above world sheer water garment god brought lemons plums at little market in country on way back east by north through tall slow nina simone sang black is color my true love s hair .and expanding day alluvial as sound into bright cool vacuum tint night still trees making pines shimmer fray arabesques absences farmers fields listless may layered green memory like sea . somewhere or fallen tangerines tragic fertile universe ground disappearing summer window .i drove morningscape counted cows grazing grasses wire fences fashioned report starling fretting pomegranate orchards everything what it pristine 11 am light unemotional functional absolute very polite quite elegant alone 86121 re after reading tony tost thanks mimesis worth noting also that has his next book forthcoming in a few months from effing press. press' most recent publication is collection by joe massey--also heartily recommended 86122 yest tis i slosh it s a generation thing from first grade we were taught to duck the board eraser not common rubber as used today and there was but one ruler beside king. she who obeyed. stood us well grew without speech attached our tongues. rules obeyed hers never spoke permission answered back betters. fact is smarty pants above line sucks with that extended word written ends question. so what point of being right three lines here begin by deleting weak now see how easy manipulate meanings strengthen whole do well. last cut can change pattern for reader -- you ever been on road straight rule afoola said valley girl then wonton. tumbled upon non- referential self-determination. 86124 re very subtly done if i read it correctly bj thanks david for reading and commenting. on this another site you have consistently had good things to say about my writing but you've also some helpful criticisms. your appreciation is a cup of cool water in desert. sincerely howell the bonneville was an accident brother died narrator saw him dream. so think it's quite competent little piece with respect handling theme. immediately brought mind thomas wolfe's more tortured treatment his relationship look homeward angel same ring truth. told me how much meant made believe it. poetics aside most people here would probably tell worked as poem . aren't bad either btw regards halitsky 86127 re yest tis i robinson caruso cc bc listy 'ere sweets you lost me i'll show where this internet thing is killing me. what's the point in having a connection if suks oof it s generation from first grade we were taught to duck board eraser not common rubber as used today oh right they dont' use chalk much anymore do got white well. some do. and there was but one ruler beside king. she who obeyed. stood us well grew without speech attached our tongues. rules obeyed hers never spoke permission answered back betters. really fact smarty pants above that's mimesissy assume line sucks with that extended word written ends question. so what of being here losteth sweets. three lines begin by deleting weak ok. part. . now see how easy manipulate meanings strengthen whole last cut can change pattern for reader -- ever been on road straight rule afoola said valley girl then wonton. tumbled upon non- referential self-determination. ah. cool think get sorta george could be obnoxious ask throughout i'm trying remember why had interrogatives mean terms shifting voice hell cant' ooh. yeah. like rhymth betta. annmarie did something an older 'jolene' poem thanks hope are c 86128 re revisions asher dunno. this seems like a jumble of interesting ideas none which sticks. i think you try to figure out some patterns in imagery and their relations. let's see. the first two strophes explore bridging things then don't really get anything after that. my 2 pennies. may focus on strophes. perhaps. any help appreciated. one is not done but i've run time. thanks. for tent revivalist stricken by amoeba d moonlight. unbridled bridgedness guitar loosely plays sitar. massacre mascara taken too far glass slide sari wrapped around safari. jar cricket s licked leg begged differ with fountain pen. have ever been road as straight ruler afoola said valley girl. was that wonton tumbled upon non-referential self-determination. mean illegal alien or enriched uranium she read all his books he come take her off hook just look. henna para la morena. same token don t speak while spoken do however explain rice-cake mattress failed stress test onion doubling mummy lamp -- cross-section hop scotched invective. sells sushi down sea shore we ve thinking about joining solvent convent now washington picked up. it gets me rhapsody rustic rain collapsed peace process creases skin harboring origami birds pure curve. white cliffs dover. nose rubbing corolla. lump throat. 86129 re darling i have fed the cat ryan only real dissapointment here was ending which great but title stole thunder from it. well guess close isn't dissapointing that sucked resonance this is a short write and still sits on my tongue as read it part of expectations what might find in poem change please - so can be hit little harder by close. thanks for sharing always pleasure 86130 letter ryan ok new body to my letter--diff direction than before... i am concerned about the tone - any thoughts still feels kind of immature sounding me but not sure why or how fix that. thanks ---- it is now spring and once dead skeletons look silly with cherry blossoms out on their tips only two more weeks before rain falls behind notice pinches off cotton fingers. if gets colder might freeze death a wetter syllable leaves these bones breathless. haven't been sleeping at all this thought that should go bucket pluck feeble fingers white patter wrests zest. could see possibility from window also clouds forming horizon. can almost feel what imminent like hear no thing except creak knuckles bending under. 86131 re a tuesday note to judith bj romus first i love nina simone and the song you speak of. next think tone of this poems is consistent appropriate. there are some good images then lot abstractions. poem would be enhanced for read content if used punctuation in one. enjoyed today was lonely wanted travel coast so instead under concave blue morning resting high above world sheer water garment god brought lemons plums at little market country on way back east by north through tall slow sang black color my true s hair .and expanding day alluvial as sound into bright cool vacuum tint night still trees making pines shimmer fray arabesques absences farmers fields listless may layered green memory like sea . somewhere or fallen tangerines tragic fertile universe ground disappearing summer window .i drove morningscape counted cows grazing grasses wire fences fashioned report starling fretting pomegranate orchards everything what it pristine 11 am light unemotional functional absolute very polite quite elegant alone 86133 links code virus do not open nm annmarie eldon 86134 re wire annmarie eldon keep mostly all of it but make two small changes there s a knot wrapped around the heifer at this farthest end field. too close to neck i ve tried stop bleeding dark is tightening on us eyes huge face are asking why haven t brought her into barn by now strung through post which leads another and way back house warm blood again in my fingernails god what if we have tear whole earth apart fix anything then question not only rhetorical perhaps everything also linked you're gonna break let see that broken page am 86135 re letter annmarie eldon to me it's immature because telling a story this is not but poem which say it shouldn't be narrative i think you want something more you're asking ok let's look at the 'telling about it' parts of now spring and once dead skeletons silly with cherry blossoms out on their tips only two weeks before rain falls behind notice pinches off cotton fingers. if gets any colder might freeze death wetter syllable leaves these bones breathless. haven't been sleeping all thought that should go bucket pluck feeble fingers white patter wrests zest. could see possibility from my window also clouds forming horizon. can almost feel what imminent like hear no thing except creak knuckles bending under. what's left then take modifyers use space paint picture words tell breathless under perhaps thanks for opportunity. there very mature dressing don't need ps suggest title rather than 86136 divinum est sedare dolorem annmarie eldon if the entire world could equal you sepals redefining all exits what state of mind or body does not envy joy s oblivion stain with straining neck and fixed eye followed a bollocking sunset into cerebral contexts wherein songs tune being oft repeated recontexted have left many lands. we discuss efficacy south african grass i feel nay desires more powerful than reverse toxicity did so much by compassion due to me rather history shifting continence earth patterns then geocosmic stress lead asham ds concupiscence leads married miracle my joys as game refreshing them those who were laying roadsides withering opposites which would be milk carriers some rajasthani railway station at four in morning doing double churns knowledge it can judge. wit that seemed ruled was forever dearer evident photograph for is they measured their worth through shoulders thus joined every male weight perpendicular ground should compress leverage though exceedingly guilty am fallen kept your love fame choice given bears seed-eggs entering . queen lady burn excellent follow an easier route women do namely something called on taking money it. judge terms used. jealousy making eyes she probably pimped crack dealer up date now. ask are these eastern european immigrants cannot name countries albanian strumpets poor inflamed thousand strong london rackets numbers phone booths plenty named run bullet rule cargo. possible lying bath pissed her tandy speciality golden showers also damaged less why after no conversion curb crawl hardly pays smack habit tried see fee departure without ceasing only crime. council employs workers take down cards immediately put again hundreds crimes sets. churn wallahs bearing holy milkfeed. calamity now compels pity one deprived view shipped bus but absence brahmabrew here years line nor desire from fallen. earth. matter perhaps disappeareds you. doodh-wallahs commingling thoughts of. red thoughts. how read birth bed had made manifest man becomes better virtue shown lips compel give forth blood regularly oh luxury control menstrual our like fresh water tap clean philosophers conjoins yearn dialectic things alone neglect intention concluded madness knew labor considers. train any word believed knew. peculiar common private honor redeem continent ceased venal weds richer spatting rocket paan public corners get out mouth middle classers bri-nylon shirts staypress hipsters long ago truth has moved such follow. youth yielded amatory measure rhythm testimony. tell prayers knees ill-starred ashamed led troops war headlines fit powermongerers softened gun bomb busted bladder shrapnel pattern pretty star bitter departed obsessed desired bastards towards depriv laborers testimony female testimoaners carrying granite fronts babies backs stopping urinate until hawksheadmoth-like dusk drew its wings upon valley hammeringers monkeys came scampering. kindness whole freedom sick functional compass unremotional montana lombardies ex-vietnam survivalists crystals come marriage another life becoming unfixed uncompassable descanted suspect eventual alzheimer squatting background someone head dysfunctional scenery travel unknowns entertainment thought each eventually themselves grateful struggle coming addiction certainty able ever words will been child first smelt ganges manikanika burning ghat mere whiff own unborn crowds his tiny wrapped bubble paisapaid boat row throw unburnt dead dogs floating bits limbs back afford enough wood pyre above class simply pretending putting face 5 bedrooms ensuite other composed lands conceived noise midnight greek kids playing supermarket skiathos. love. depth bleeding wretched hungry aids ones rest join forgotten miscarriage missed-miscarriage scraped form category too. missive plainly convinces us. when rise valid sweeter wordsongs greater dignity memories driving thai night overnight sleeper compartment diner black mountains windows open heroin gets delivered policing seem elephants triangle plod forest drugs us told never mention neighbourhood party new group friends dots news cannabis huge problem tells khat household cleaning product over lightbulb element stuff blessed sentiment assuredly wherewith want shelter children junk food protection impinging elders both sister bitten viper this rare shamanic someway spokespersons offspring. wife care. know cease remembering granny taught pendulum alphabet backwards last week short time learnt dowsing rods work hands find leylines maps almost anywhere woman crime knows instinctively because gypsy part me. calamity. sanity where uncertainty ill-justice powers bred geoness thrones dominions considereds truly really yield context personal fed mouths unequal capable transgressions forgiveness crowns postcards repressions 86137 re letter ryan am - thank you so much i think that was the exact kind of critique needed for this. like other too -- where someone really tears it apart with there words instead mine but sometimes those take a little longer to digest...both have their merits both are good lot diff reasons. can't say edited product is more due raw materials not edit obviously huge improvement. anyway love when play my writing because always see things in end look easy and wonder why just dont way. your process or one created here helped me some subtle stuff goes into these poems. i'm pretty sure probably hard-wired by now different. abc...z z realize often above beyond basic crit very appreciative. thanks keep feeling on verge being able write something worthwhile know what mean cant get yet. trying put myself down feel im reaching isnt sorry droning i'll reaching. 86138 hmm - someone's been osmosing d thomas david halitsky liked these lines 1 what state of mind or body did not envy me my joys and oblivion 2 making songs 3 the ceased all things departure without desires more than venal 4 then does now softened by forever 5 until hawksheadmoth-like dusk drew its wings upon valley hammeringers monkeys came scampering odd that descant on game both up in this piece. i guess some words are just out there at certain times as mathematicians say ideas. regards halisky 86139 open house bj come up this is the you ve been looking for inside room remember here world laughed in a thousand dialects all forgotten closet under shelf hides spirit machinery of clocks ever made sit down on wooden floor again take off your shoes stick feet out bottom an axis toes stretching trying to touch every corner 86140 re the girl at mike vsp hey dave i figured out your stranger situation. howzabout virtual not perfect rhythmically to be pronounced virtal but let listener reader make up his mind if it really is a or an imagined person. then she can stroll door with him without makes no difference. rsvp this ok. ok will suffice. came here nashville like they tend do dreamin dream that never think through had look and pretty good sound so sang banjo thrice weekly in lounge one night comes into bar says he knows someone who her star told right-off d heard before two hours later strolled door. regards 86141 re hmm - someone's been osmosing d thomas annmarie eldon not dylan but heloise. thanks for the read and comments. 86142 re letter annmarie eldon sometimes the reaching is more important productive than getting never underestimate you're courageous 86143 revised crit for halitsky vsp hey dave i figured out your stranger situation. howzabout virtual not perfect rhythmically to be pronounced virtal but let the listener reader make up his mind if it really is a or an imagined person. then she can stroll door with him without makes no difference. rsvp this ok. ok will suffice. came here nashville like they tend do dreamin dream that never think through had look and pretty good sound so sang banjo thrice weekly in lounge one night comes into bar says he knows someone who her star told right-off d heard before two hours later strolled door. regards 86144 re revisions robinson caruso cc bc dunno. this seems like a jumble of interesting ideas none which sticks. i think you try to figure out some patterns in imagery and their relations. hey. little cricket mean 'should' have not ok. let's see. the first two strophes explore bridging things then don't really get anything after that. yes. maybe. need it front me dont' right now wait. puts on memory cap ah no. surface structure -- yes but no my 2 pennies. may focus strophes. just might that although was actually thinking yesterday i'd ditch intro down meat see where your coming from. makes perfect sense. perhaps. thanks for one gets good old brain moving. do rut i've gotten into. thank mucho appreciated c any help appreciated. is done 86145 re divinum est sedare dolorem robinson caruso cc bc dear annmarie this is prolly the first of yours posted here that i have not made it thru ok. 1 3. it's way beyond me think my attention span really limited right now too -- so pome and a tad less charismatic than others perhaps jmvho shall try again later though thanks for posting c if entire world could equal you sepals redefining all exits what state mind or body does envy joy s oblivion stain with straining neck fixed eye followed bollocking sunset into cerebral contexts wherein songs tune being oft repeated recontexted left many lands. we discuss efficacy south african grass feel nay desires more powerful reverse toxicity did much by compassion due to rather history shifting continence earth patterns then geocosmic stress lead asham ds concupiscence leads married miracle joys as game refreshing them those who were laying roadsides withering opposites which would be milk carriers some rajasthani railway station at four in morning doing double churns knowledge can judge. wit seemed ruled was forever dearer evident photograph they measured their worth through shoulders thus joined every male weight perpendicular ground should compress leverage exceedingly guilty am fallen kept your love fame choice given bears seed-eggs entering . queen lady burn excellent follow an easier route women do namely something called on taking money it. judge terms used. jealousy making eyes she probably pimped crack dealer up date now. ask are these eastern european immigrants cannot name countries albanian strumpets poor inflamed thousand strong london rackets numbers phone booths plenty named run bullet rule cargo. possible lying bath pissed her tandy speciality golden showers also damaged why after no conversion curb crawl hardly pays smack habit tried see fee departure without ceasing only crime. council employs workers take down cards immediately put hundreds crimes sets. churn wallahs bearing holy milkfeed. calamity compels pity one deprived view shipped bus but absence brahmabrew years line nor desire from fallen. earth. matter disappeareds you. doodh-wallahs commingling thoughts of. red thoughts. how read birth bed had manifest man becomes better virtue shown lips compel give forth blood regularly oh luxury control menstrual our like fresh water tap clean philosophers conjoins yearn dialectic things alone neglect intention concluded madness knew labor considers. train any word believed knew. peculiar common private honor redeem continent ceased venal weds richer spatting rocket paan public corners get out mouth middle classers bri-nylon shirts staypress hipsters long ago truth has moved such follow. youth yielded amatory measure rhythm testimony. tell prayers knees ill-starred ashamed led troops war headlines fit powermongerers softened gun bomb busted bladder shrapnel pattern pretty star bitter departed obsessed desired bastards towards depriv laborers testimony female testimoaners carrying granite fronts babies backs stopping urinate until hawksheadmoth-like dusk drew its wings upon valley hammeringers monkeys came scampering. kindness whole freedom sick functional compass unremotional montana lombardies ex-vietnam survivalists crystals come marriage another life becoming unfixed uncompassable descanted suspect eventual alzheimer squatting background someone head dysfunctional scenery travel unknowns entertainment thought each eventually themselves grateful struggle coming addiction certainty able ever words will been child smelt ganges manikanika burning ghat mere whiff own unborn crowds his tiny wrapped bubble paisapaid boat row throw unburnt dead dogs floating bits limbs back afford enough wood pyre above class simply pretending putting face 5 bedrooms ensuite other composed lands conceived noise midnight greek kids playing supermarket skiathos. love. depth bleeding wretched hungry aids ones rest join forgotten miscarriage missed-miscarriage scraped form category too. missive plainly convinces us. when rise valid sweeter wordsongs greater dignity memories driving thai night overnight sleeper compartment diner black mountains windows open heroin gets delivered policing seem elephants triangle plod forest drugs us told never mention neighbourhood party new group friends dots news cannabis huge problem tells khat household cleaning product over lightbulb element stuff blessed sentiment assuredly wherewith want shelter children junk food protection impinging elders both sister bitten viper rare shamanic someway spokespersons offspring. wife care. know cease remembering granny taught pendulum alphabet backwards last week short time learnt dowsing rods work hands find leylines maps almost anywhere woman crime knows instinctively because gypsy part me. calamity. sanity where uncertainty ill-justice powers bred geoness thrones dominions considereds truly yield context personal fed mouths unequal capable transgressions forgiveness crowns postcards repressions 86146 re open house bowen bj this comes up a little short for me. it seems to me that gets really going right when ends. the last strophe i think is all piece has it. borrow from ms. craig too coded. there's mystery behind words concept of but it's not good mystery. needs be solved just puzzling and in best way. i'd go back fill blanks on see about expanding into more. hope helps. a. b. come you ve been looking inside room remember here world laughed thousand dialects forgotten closet under shelf hides spirit machinery clocks ever made sit down wooden floor again take off your shoes stick feet out bottom an axis toes stretching trying touch every corner 86147 after infidelity revised bowen summer again and the field is flooded with good intentions. in kitchen we ve blamed denied shouted our hurt for hours. quiet now at table study what have minds for. bedroom daughter reads of beans tossed by a mother blind to their magic. years on from i m afraid she ll awake one night leave her sleeping husband climb into unknown stars. when wash supper dishes uneaten dinners imagine car parked end road. its lights flash an offer drive me beyond tastee freez factory this rootless town. but turn my eyes back thin dishwater. float greasy film. cup them know homes are sky. 86148 after your attack over at whatever robinson caruso cc bc well yes i've put on my insanity cap per rather aggressive referral other natter or and now -- i clearly see the light in this poem of yours completely understand piece its brilliant mean that oh. but sorry. it's insanity. retract any positive comments only lingering issue for me would be how a sane person write something so thoroughly insane i'm not trying to didactic just sick slander carmela 86149 to my mad wife si mon though she is sweet and good-hearted. lifts the snapped mousetrap with a spatula. forgives dish floor that broke it. borders thinner than sanity able hide her madness. at first it made me angry twin. look left of clocks clouds places i couldn t see. wonder if others notice. wears like silver toe rings. smiles nods talks in duplicate. yes yes. touches burnt bulb believes light. strings little bibles. doesn love loves too much. 86150 grrr you ryan heh - your revision is really growing on me a lot i just feel like don't own it anymore all in the syntax now jesus. thanks 86151 re open house geoff re. house. to whom this may concern as site has been plagued by endless new members who sound like the same old zany it is a matter of understandable suspicion meet what all marks alias. author obviously enjoyed alias role down wierd background code and i am only prepared say highly polished piece work -- whose best 86153 re darling i have fed the cat geoff re. fed... for teballard. oh all these tentative whispered hints overlooked it there is no one in bed partner has decamped. this head note. if a stanza had broken and begun at midpoint would overlook it. best slipped to side of which yours smelling slightly lime. resisted repented renamed s corner. carry on ve left four times still you only gone. madness unraveling slowly string hitting floor does not move hunger. cat. 86154 re wire geoff re. wire. for william. good luck with the wobbly wb. if reader can accept image of a great face coming from nowhere and staring down at speaker then this poem will give satisfaction. unless one thinks mighty oz course but other comparisons might arise. action which is also tightening little bit further on lot repetition in small space. ending close to irony closer stand up. best there s knot wrapped around heifer farthest end field. it too neck i ve tried stop bleeding dark us eyes huge are asking why haven t brought her into barn by now strung through post leads another all way back house warm blood again my fingernails god what we have tear whole earth apart fix anything 86155 re after infidelity revised si mon i'm sorry bowen but for me this revision is much inferior to the original draft. it feels like you tried fix what wasn't broken...in doing so took natural poetry out of poem....this version sounds too rational especially magic beans. just my opinion. summer again and field flooded with good intentions. in kitchen we ve blamed denied shouted our hurt hours. quiet now at table study have minds for. bedroom daughter reads beans tossed by a mother blind their magic. years on from i m afraid she ll awake one night leave her sleeping husband climb into unknown stars. when wash supper dishes uneaten dinners imagine car parked end road. its lights flash an offer drive beyond tastee freez factory rootless town. turn eyes back thin dishwater. float greasy film. cup them know homes are sky. 86156 re open house si mon why no punctuation and all first word caps i enjoyed this. think you might be able to find a better title. would opt for cutting the entire third stanza. come up this is ve been looking inside room remember here world laughed in thousand dialects forgotten closet under shelf hides spirit machinery of clocks ever made sit down on wooden floor again take off your shoes stick feet out bottom an axis toes stretching trying touch every corner 86157 re a tuesday note to judith barbara silberg oh so many lovelys -- as rich orange-vanilla ice cream with bitter-sweet chocolate syrup and walnuts on top i agree you need only minimal punctuation not caps periods or commas though. especially like alluvial sound into bright cool vacuum this is your strongest image here. tint night still the trees making pines shimmer fray arabesques absences fallen tangerines tragic fertile. these two images tie for second place. but farmers fields really needs be 'farmers' fields' just mollify 'those that be' show do know what you're doing. suggest everything was it too telly self-evident anyway pristine in 11 am light although it's nice have exact time here detail i'm sorry say any royally screws scan. unemotional functional absolute again my taste may me. very alone . you've got lonely top. summarizing needn't. i'd end that's me fudge sunday. hope been of help. s. today wanted travel coast instead under concave blue morning resting high above world sheer water garment god brought lemons plums at little market country way back east by north through tall slow nina simone sang black color true love s hair .and expanding day listless layered green memory sea somewhere fertile universe ground disappearing summer window .i drove morningscape counted cows grazing grasses wire fences fashioned report starling fretting pomegranate orchards polite quite elegant 86158 re letter si mon ryan -- i offer an edit altho in fact probably have butchered your work. you take a risk writing about bones contemporary poetry overused as well stones and stars so might suggest cut the reference to once this short ignore if it doesn't help. 86159 re darling i have fed the cat si mon this is good and short...i like short. but still as short it there a feel to are too many words for what trying say. want more simic. am bothered by inconsistant use of punctuation in this. i'll offer suggestion an edit below. know if you renamed corner. slipped your side smelling slightly lime. i've resisted repented bed s carry on ve left four times one gone. madness unraveling string hitting floor. doesn't move. no hunger. cat. 86160 re letter barbara silberg i know annmarie helped you with this but here's another take. see inline suggestions below. hope to have been of help. -- s. ok new body my letter--diff direction than before... am concerned about the tone - any thoughts still feels kind immature sounding me not sure why or how fix that. thanks ---- it is now spring and once dead skeletons look silly frivolous maybe tipped need some sort modifier here show -maybe lacy awkward cherry blossoms out on their tips only two more weeks before rain falls behind notice pinches off cotton fingers. if gets colder might freeze death a wetter syllable leaves these bones breathless. haven't sleeping at all thought that should go bucket pluck feeble fingers white patter wrests zest. could possibility from window also clouds forming horizon. can almost feel what imminent like hear nothing except creak knuckles bending under. 86161 re open house barbara silberg i like this. it's very clear to me. only a couple of small suggestions see below.--barbara s come up this is the you ve been looking for inside room remember wh h ere world laughed in thousand dialects all forgotten closet under shelf hides spirit machinery clocks ever made sit down on wooden floor again take off your shoes socks stick feet out bottom an axis toes stretching trying touch every corner 86162 re grrr you annmarie eldon well know how it goes - i can only take your poem away from if let me etc however there is a way to make be not in the syntax and could equally have done this by making more narrative just took one direction go any wanted to. but key probably that shouldn't 'hover' push it. 86163 re to my mad wife annmarie eldon though she is sweet and good-hearted. lifts the snapped mousetrap with a spatula. forgives dish floor that broke it. borders thinner than sanity able hide her madness. at first it made me angry twin. look left of clocks clouds places i couldn t see. wonder if others notice. wears like silver toe rings. smiles nods talks in duplicate. yes yes. touches burnt bulb believes light. strings little bibles. doesn love loves too much. excellent am so thereby certifiable. this. only wanted but then see how changes whole deal on thing. or light identify very topical right now. - 86164 re to my mad wife slosh you need change something of it the title begins in guise a letter and leap right into talking about her slight whining tone displays lack loyalty disrespect -- this reader shows why she might acts so i'm sure is not intention were seeking rethink rework speaker. when have will killer poem. by that-- must bring love show affection that lacking though sweet good-hearted. lifts snapped mousetrap with spatula. forgives dish floor broke it. borders thinner than sanity able hide madness. at first made me angry twin. look left clocks clouds places i couldn t see. wonder if others notice. wears like silver toe rings. smiles nods talks duplicate. yes yes. touches burnt bulb believes light. strings little bibles. doesn loves too much. 86165 re after infidelity revised christopher t george summer again and the field is flooded with good intentions. in kitchen we ve blamed denied shouted our hurt for hours. quiet now at table study what have minds for. bedroom daughter reads of beans tossed by a mother blind to their magic. years on from i m afraid she ll awake one night leave her sleeping husband climb into unknown stars. when wash supper dishes uneaten dinners imagine car parked end road. its lights flash an offer drive me beyond tastee freez factory this rootless town. but turn my eyes back thin dishwater. float greasy film. cup them know homes are sky. hi ash very nice work fine poem relationship gone bad. think superb stanza heart though you could just say drop also if bit hyperbolic. like -- sets scene well. way recur poem. you've already said so might be excess. how about food ................ great ending. short that needs attention few items. well done. all best chris 86166 re divinum est sedare dolorem ryan yay - what a nice change of style from you yet it still has the annmarie signature i read this few times today and want to comment yea say that lot but don't feel right rushing into such meaty piece think will need come back wknd sit down let sink in bit be hopefully leave some thoughts thanks again for your critique on my was very helpful. kindest- 86167 re letter ryan thanks in my first draft - before i posted put it word yuck and color coded all the similar words -i had a lot of bones fingers rain...and sounding weak but hear you on that think am did number this consider poem more learning experience now not one gonna try to one-up on. heh is good advice though 86168 re letter ryan yes although your approach is diff than am - it still conceptually very similar both sought to rid this poem of empty filler thanks for thoughtful critique 86170 can you provide a ref david halitsky ame - i diligently placed the latin squib in google's advanced search box and heloise all words but came up with no hits relating two. would point to letter or letters of hers that had mind. for sake some here who may misinterpret assume is referring abelard's not one writes hints although maybe am didn't get joke here. d 86171 re can you provide a ref annmarie eldon thanks for the inquiring mind. as context this poem - i currently have partof my stack of reading abelard and heloise great medieval thinkers by constant j. mews quite an academic read wanted to 'go back' form poetry was writing about 2 years ago call it tossed found. am identical twin tiny children we used enagage in cryptophasia secret language . play what called 'the opposites game' which would ask what's opposite 'jam' come out with elephant example. also things like 'certain' or 'iron' so on had up 'context' it's hard explain if you're outside game. use found pieces where take one piece cut paste consider be its context. initially took heloise's first letter anaesthesia since see her woman who could not block pain but 'used' evidence love abelard. site lots links think latin is probably incorrect at least has many possible meanings that's fun don't intentional any means web site. decided against using different technique much two contexts simply tapestry bind thought diary showing that bring together idea world-power into whole order end 'pain' guess sort got there technically 86172 walt whitman's butterfly pic christopher t george he could told the photographer charm birds no wonder that trusted him so perched on his finger. was a regular st. francis of assisi who claimed to be able all words and critters -- but we see what want magic box clutch tricks tromp l'oeil. good gray poet hoodwinked public not perhaps captured for posterity snake oil salesman grinning it's worth it us wink at clever ploy delight captivate. walt's finger open close our wings. t. 86173 ah - now i understand your sympathy to the cento david halitsky ame have bookmarked letter you linked so that can compare it piece as soon a chance very fascinating really. with respect use in tossed and found pieces where take one cut paste what consider be its opposite context. why reacted sympathetically pure posted here while ago using from rubiyat cowboy song. done apparently is construct quasi-cento within deliberately imposed external structure am interested seeing for myself actual choices made didn't make via comparison of letter. regards d 86174 re walt whitman's butterfly david halitsky ctg - this stands alone apart from the references as a worthwhile poem. i am sure you will get technical crit others. what is of interest to me here that by adding have admitted constructing an ideational piece one which goes beyond description in service emotion. so very different some your read months ago confess it almost if same person not writing all them. guess creative evolution meanders like old river rather than being linearly necessity-driven. regards dh 86175 a portion of the main jim corner if one child is left hungry village derelict lilies are scorched garden flawed. better to mind mite begin in late afternoon than abandon task learning great small great. we breathe sky turn soil receive grit from living spirit. there many gifts who will choose ones keep give away jdc 86176 re walt whitman's butterfly jim corner he could told the photographer charm birds no wonder that trusted him so perched on his finger. was a regular st. francis of assisi who claimed to be able all words and critters -- but we see what want magic box clutch tricks tromp l'oeil. good gray poet hoodwinked public not perhaps captured for posterity snake oil salesman grinning it's worth it us wink at clever ploy delight captivate. walt's finger open close our wings. christopher t. george hi chris resonant walt. my only nit is 'trusted ' seems bit stale. enjoyed best 86177 re to my mad wife jim corner though she is sweet and good-hearted. lifts the snapped mousetrap with a spatula. forgives dish floor that broke it. borders thinner than sanity able hide her madness. at first it made me angry twin. look left of clocks clouds places i couldn t see. wonder if others notice. wears like silver toe rings. smiles nods talks in duplicate. yes yes. touches burnt bulb believes light. strings little bibles. doesn love loves too much. hi can you freshen up two lines something similar but fresher. enjoyed irony final puzzlement your wife's personality best 86178 jim - the great small is interesting david halitsky because there an actual priest posting at e-sphere fr. robert pecotte who has written a piece very much on same theme. you might want to look it up. hard do this kind of without lapsing into familiar territory but i think have done here as well can be done. regards dh 86179 re walt whitman's butterfly bowen chris i'm quite taken with this piece. on a word level i didn't like critters it seemed such an ugly for thought all words and animals would sound better. can you cut it's worth us to wink at his clever ploy delight captivate. seems implied unnecessary state. my one cent. that's today. - nice. a. he could told the photographer charm birds no wonder that trusted him so perched finger. was regular st. francis of assisi who claimed be able -- but we see what want magic box clutch tricks tromp l'oeil. good gray poet hoodwinked public not perhaps captured posterity snake oil salesman grinning walt's finger open close our wings. christopher t. george 86180 re after infidelity revised bowen i'm sorry but for me this revision is much inferior to the original draft. it feels like you tried fix what wasn't broken...in doing so took natural poetry out of poem....this version sounds too rational especially magic beans. just my opinion. si thanks commenting. varied responses getting from one. will look back at orignal and see what's shaking. a. 86181 re after infidelity revised bowen chris yes i've had another comment on supper and dinner. will think it. i like the er's so that's my rationale. best ash hi very nice work this fine poem a relationship gone bad. is superb stanza for me heart of years from now m afraid she ll awake one night leave her sleeping husband to climb into unknown stars. though you could just say drop field flooded with good intentions. also if bit hyperbolic. in kitchen we ve blamed denied shouted our hurt hours. -- sets scene well. quiet at table study what have minds for. bedroom daughter reads beans tossed by mother blind their magic. way recur poem. when wash dishes uneaten dinners you've already said might be excess. how about food ................ imagine car parked end road. its lights flash an offer drive beyond tastee freez factory rootless town. but turn eyes back thin dishwater. float greasy film. cup them know homes are sky. great ending. short that needs attention few items. well done. all 86182 re ah - now i understand your sympathy to the ce annmarie eldon well don't get 'too' analytical on me you'll find it wanting no doubt... it's purely 'gut feel' as how done sometimes use a text generator randomise found if long but then have edit so comes down virtually rewriting myself almost other diary -part suppose could be called stream of consciousness i'm lousy at technical-speak here 86183 re to my mad wife si mon thanks am -- your suggestion would change the poem but maybe that's ok. for help excellent i a twin. so thereby certifiable. love this. only wanted then see how that changes whole deal on thing. or identify with it. very topical right now. - annmarie 86184 re to my mad wife si mon aunty thanks for your view. i'll see what i can do. -- you need change something of it the title begins in guise a letter and leap right into talking about her slight whining tone displays lack loyalty disrespect this reader shows why she might acts so i'm sure is not intention were seeking rethink rework speaker. when have will killer poem. by that-- must bring love show affection that lacking 86185 re to my mad wife si mon jim -- i see how the first line could use some freshening up but thought mousetrap detail was a little different. thanks for your help hi can you freshen two lines with something similar fresher. enjoyed irony in final puzzlement of wife's personality best 86186 thirty-third year memorial bj a broken pump drove the greased wheel of this man s life. it would sputter tremble and gasp whole tables shake when he held them. wouldn t stop until stopped because everything in his grip shook now. 86187 re a portion of the main bj jim i think this needs some digging. your analogies fall flat on their face they're not very convincing and you're trying to convince reader something. difficult territory. if one child is left hungry village derelict lilies are scorched garden flawed. better mind mite begin in late afternoon than abandon task learning great small great. we breathe sky turn soil receive grit from living spirit. there many gifts who will choose ones keep give away jdc 86188 re walt whitman's butterfly bj george this is well-done for the most part. my only nits are use of french in a poem about whitman and i too didn't like word critters . he could told photographer charm birds no wonder that trusted him so perched on his finger. was regular st. francis assisi who claimed to be able all words -- but we see what want magic box clutch tricks tromp l'oeil. good gray poet hoodwinked public not perhaps captured posterity snake oil salesman grinning it's worth it us wink at clever ploy delight captivate. walt's finger open close our wings. christopher t. 86189 re after infidelity revised mrslovett i really miss the first strophe of original version. thought both stacked and open window lines were very fresh. revision seems much heavier to me. a few other comments within. summer again field is flooded with good intentions. in kitchen we ve blamed denied shouted our hurt for hours. quiet now at table study what have minds for. bedroom daughter reads beans tossed by mother blind their magic. this better although do think somewhat flat. you careful about here since it shifts focus aspect poem onto woman. just pointing out--don't know if that was your intention or not. years on from m afraid she ll awake one night leave her sleeping husband climb into unknown stars. i'm not sure bit easy. want eye-popping word there something could apply daughter. when wash supper dishes uneaten dinners imagine car parked end road. its lights flash an offer drive me contruction archaic as know. beyond tastee freez factory rootless town. but turn my eyes back thin dishwater. float greasy film. cup them homes are sky. there's critical shift version least ear. earlier escape left without explantion it's clearly town would be escaped. doesn't introduce another topic all dynamic within family also narrator's feelings can hold sky close...i don't sounds little morbid like we'll off heaven doubt that's mean. liked miracles waiting happen even though some might argues abstraction. suspect middle poem. hope choose revise further you'll post again. still excellent i'd see how grows. 86190 re after infidelity revised bowen mrslovett i'm always grateful for your crits. you raise some issues i hadn't thought about in this piece. glad mentioned them. most of the changes are based on g.c.'s crit. he hated stacked and did have reservations it too. like sounds that original draft but its meaning was a little loose haphazard. would agree is heavier version. tends to happen when revise particularly poems dealing with domestic strife. so strange too because happily entwined as were. stars. sigh yes. originally had arms there afraid either be heavy-handed or ambitiously vague. plus jack beanstalk story they're climbing up since husband sleeping . night all that. brought my attention mother now escaping town which think i'll go back address. thank you. last line actually suggestion once read couldn't anything else. one dangers workshop suppose. g.c. adament miracles waiting much closer summing often guilty of. generous careful best a.b. really miss first strophe both open window lines were very fresh. revision seems me. few other comments within. better although do what we minds somewhat flat. here shifts focus aspect poem onto woman. just pointing out--don't know if intention not. not sure bit easy. want eye-popping word something could apply daughter. wash contruction archaic know. there's critical shift from version at least ear. earlier escape left without an explantion it's clearly rootless escaped. doesn't introduce another topic into dynamic within family also narrator's feelings town. can hold homes sky close...i don't morbid we'll off heaven doubt that's mean. liked cup them even though might argues abstraction. suspect middle poem. hope choose further you'll post again. still excellent i'd see how grows. 86191 re a portion of the main jim corner i think this needs some digging. your analogies fall flat on their face they're not very convincing and you're trying to convince reader something. difficult territory. bj hi thanks for opining. my best 86192 re walt whitman's butterfly pic christopher t. george this is well-done for the most part. my only nits are use of french in a poem about whitman and i too didn't like word critters . bj thanks ash. tromp l'oeil term style art that fools viewer so think appropriate. to both you casting your vote critters. did though claim he possessed knack attracting birds butterflies other wild will take point made under advisement. what curious it obviously commercial easter card had have been obvious as such photographer given long exposure time needed photograph 1883. underside which show now less but still even colors not natural would noticed surely by cameraman. all best chris 86193 re darling i have fed the cat robin hello found first line a bit awkward slipped at odds in tense with smelling. liked three r's next set had nice roll to it. and lines this is madness unraveling slowly string hitting floor extraordinary. having for years relentlessly playing chase her of problem connecting closing image sated hunger. my would jump or not. anyhow great poem always pleasure side bed which yours smelling slightly lime. resisted repented renamed s corner. carry on ve left four times still you only one gone. does not move there no cat. 86194 re thirty-third year memorial christopher t. george a broken pump drove the greased wheel of this man s life. it would sputter tremble and gasp whole tables shake when he held them. wouldn t stop until stopped because everything in his grip shook now. hi bj there's circularity to poem much like force truth that is welcome feels authentic me. nice work bj. chris 86195 finding ireland jennifer hello there...please comment away. you are wonderful at critiquing work in this workshop group. thanks... i watch the crime investigative unit. re an official statistic. a suicide your apartment above bar bog. across street from my 9 to 5 job counseling center. kids on their cell phones. see stretcher empty with life as paramedics roll go home tuesday and put u2 car. think of shouting for next song bog where artists walk through muck guinness. filling mug suds froth ireland. beer s born idea foam way water floats casts away net our smalltown vices. st. patrick parade day pelt out lyrics every ballad written. emeralds glow but have beware before glint is polished clean. guns don t hold same green bullets. no plants flower black casings. one hangs shamrocks door celebrate irish feast now. wade marsh what swims under water. sharks wait big teeth bigger hunger. they only capture not taken. getting hook just enough crush talks about scranton. shark loan card or sharp toothed barfly bait predator who once swam thousands miles he wanders shore opening admiring smile wanting if ll make give it up. swarmy band manager promising trips overseas. stealing running tab jameson light ice. leaves last call bill his yellow wear dark grin. return pistol table solves booze handles until blur between buzz dawn comes handgun glints off fluorescent bulb eye candy glamourous glare her eyes leaving gorgeous confessional poets wrote practiced death. laurel wreath crowning glory choice take fill longing lake always spills. swarming wanna be writers musicians dublin scranton fisherman knit mohawks mix didn emerald isle swamp liquor guitars drunk punk chamber calling pull trigger town so close river far sea. 86196 cremating the letters sachi dear happiness religion trust parents tomorrow - were words most repeated. rounded ballpoint-edged and blue like a sky wedged between clouds. there other too incense-touched march-twig bird-feet bent-finger but i couldn t tell if they her own or well-meaningly borrowed. kept in cookie tin hoped at least one where she wrote love seven hundred times before finally coming to terms with death written only once will defy laws of loss. through filtered light could see dust dry skin settling. those vital signs my heart hadn stopped from habit. climbed chest dragged floor. stripped them their cold slit-throat covers. raked em heap- lit fire. fire blazing luminous yellow sometimes red on fringes black dead center not soot perforated memory. it was big balled fist broad headed winged cicadas also word perhaps borrowed because you don get here. still raging promised die. how why can even after firemen are gone. have seen burnt shine dark rings eyes healing well within blisters. posted this months ago. is revision. thanks hannah craig m eldon among others for generous help one. 86197 re finding ireland sachi hello jennifer i am fascinated by the trope..its a great idea--finding in bog. think narrator could rid some of uncertainty -- removing question mark title. why is that question--what's about if its not bog reader being misled...that was uppermost atleast this reader's mind. first line necessary..and you may consider starting with you're and official statistic.. bit worn..but following redeems it..provides drama..i also so important to explain what doing when it happened..how did he she know etc...so 'across street from my 9 5 job at counseling center.' add very little..just as next 7 lines.. watch kids on their cell phones. see stretcher empty life paramedics roll away. go home tuesday put u2 car. fatal let intensity previous lines waste poem one 9-5 er counseeling job--its irelander..who shot himself above loved where perhaps wanted find himself. hence..consider.. an statistic. suicide shouting for song bar artists walk through muck guinness. filling mug suds froth ireland. smelling beer s born idea foam way water floats casts away net our smalltown vices. take off --if want make anaphoric.. st. patrick parade day pelting out lyrics every ballad written. emeralds glow but have beware before glint polished clean. guns don t hold same green bullets. no plants flower black casings. hangs shamrocks door celebrate irish feast now. like this...but would suggest ..you connections stronger wading marsh swims under water. sharks wait big teeth bigger hunger. they only capture taken. getting hook just enough crush talks scranton. shark loan card or sharp toothed barfly waiting bait predator who once swam thousands miles wanders shore opening admiring your smile wanting ll give up. swarmy band manager promising trips overseas. stealing running tab jameson light ice. leaves last call bill his yellow wear dark grin. 13 above..bring little nothing table..and frustrates expectations ..by introducing new character --who interferes flow trope --the irelander. .... 'you return apartment pistol table solves booze handles until blur between buzz dawn comes handgun glints fluorescent bulb eye candy glamourous glare her eyes leaving gorgeous confessional poets wrote practiced death. laurel wreath crowning glory choice fill longing lake always spills. will break piece..it these expects world time irelander..but unfortunately can not..the vision hidden piles false alliterations 'booze--buzz--blur' instance.. glamourous--glare---gorgeous --glory be best devices part--and re-consider that.. follows however excellent.. swarming wanna writers musicians dublin scranton fisherman knit mohawks mix didn emerald isle swamp liquor guitars drunk punk chamber calling pull trigger town close river far sea. 'the bar' onwards are great..great lnes..you putting them right upfront..'the start... ofcourse opinions hope help. cheers 86198 riff 19.1 pluperfect david halitsky when you are old you'll wish had been born west indian with none too subtle clues suggesting asian rice and spanish corn two strains regarded for their tone hues. if i'd marvel at the fine cuisine your ancestors prepared. how could they've a way of knowing that they foremade feast on which fared but honest truth like time is always cruel. looks were more new potatoes do not age well aged will gruel kind gout enforces rich. i take sup look care must now make do. sonnet 19 devouring blunt thou lion's paws earth devour her own sweet brood pluck keen teeth from fierce tiger's jaws burn long-lived phoenix in blood glad sorry seasons as fleets whate'er wilt swift-footed to wide world all fading sweets forbid thee one most heinous crime o carve thy hours my love's fair brow nor draw no lines there thine antique pen him course untainted allow beauty's pattern succeeding men. yet worst despite wrong love shall verse ever live young. 86199 re a tuesday note to judith david ayers hey this works for me just couple of ideas consider below i think you could squeeze little more from it yet today was lonely and wanted travel the coast so instead under concave blue morning resting high above world sheer water garment god brought lemons plums shouldn't that be bought -- at market in country on way back east by north through tall slow nina simone sang black is color my true love s hair .and expanding day alluvial as sound into bright cool vacuum tint night still trees making pines shimmer fray arabesques absences farmers fields listless may layered green memory would like see 'may' capitalized here. yes do that. have only word poem. an idea randomness etc. circle around. sea . somewhere or fallen tangerines tragic fertile universe ground disappearing summer window .i drove morningscape counted cows grazing grass es wire fences fashioned report starling fretting pomegranate orchards which parallel with song lyric cited earlier everything what pristine 11 am light unemotional functional absolute very polite quite elegant alone eh. no put there but anything 'alone.' feel some sort punch something ought registered poem isn't articulated ending. ironic maybe not punch. then really awesome. it's already pretty damn good though. enjoyed --d 86200 re finding ireland bowen this gets better as it moves along. cut the cliches. i'd by a third and rewrite. sachi made wonderful suggestions that recommend you follow. trim fat on i think you'll have something truly amazing. best a.b. 86201 re thirty-third year memorial sachi dear bj no doubt--wonderfully crafted. also the picture of a well greased wheel driven by broken pump is unique in its own way--in context at least. i am agreement with chris regarding element circularity. however everything put together this reader not sure what it adds up to. think there lot more that's unsaid and needs hints to figure out... poem about person --this man faulty or found perhaps an elegiac commentary on someone must know association man--unfortuantely missing. able judge..is significance title indeed relation but nice read..all same. cheers drove s life. would sputter tremble gasp whole tables shake when he held them. wouldn t stop until stopped because his grip shook now. 86202 rev to straighten out tenses david halitsky riff 19.1 pluperfect when you are old you'll wish had been born west indian with none too subtle clues suggesting asian rice and spanish corn two strains regarded for their tone hues. if i'd marvel at the fine cuisine your ancestors prepared. how could they've a way of knowing that they foremade feast on which fared but honest truth like time is always cruel. looks more new potatoes do not age well aged will gruel kind gout enforces rich. i'll take sup look care i must then make do. 86203 rev of last line david halitsky riff 19.1 pluperfect when you are old you'll wish had been born west indian with none too subtle clues suggesting asian rice and spanish corn two strains regarded for their tone hues. if i'd marvel at the fine cuisine your ancestors prepared. how could they've a way knowing that they foremade feast on which fared but honest truth like time is always cruel. looks more new potatoes do not age well aged will gruel kind gout enforces rich. i'll take sup look unbothered have to make it do. 86204 rev of line 9 david halitsky riff 19.1 future pluperfect when you are old you'll wish had been born west indian with none too subtle clues suggesting asian rice and spanish corn two strains regarded for their tone hues. if i'd marvel at the fine cuisine your ancestors prepared. how could they've a way knowing that they foremade feast on which fared but truth in packaging is always cruel. looks more like new potatoes do not age well aged will gruel kind gout enforces rich. i'll take sup look unbothered have to make it do. 86205 morning debby florence ---------- sleeping brings on bears telephones. the spaces before translate head itch or soft lob throb rob and profile in dim room wavers under curtain gap blinking through memory of dream claws 86206 re cremating the letters annmarie eldon i remember this. my first instinct is that it really beautiful and because so good i'm going to ask you look again at all 'like s' if bracket them dear happiness religion trust parents tomorrow - were words most repeated. rounded ballpoint-edged blue like a sky wedged between clouds. there other too incense-touched march-twig bird-feet bent-finger but couldn t tell they her own or well-meaningly borrowed. kept in cookie tin hoped least one where she wrote love seven hundred times before finally coming terms with death written only once will defy laws of loss. through filtered light could see dust dry skin settling. those vital signs heart hadn stopped from habit. climbed chest dragged floor. stripped their cold slit-throat covers. raked em heap- lit fire. fire blazing luminous yellow sometimes red on fringes black dead center not soot perforated memory. was big balled fist broad headed winged cicadas also word perhaps borrowed don get here. still raging promised die. how why can even after firemen are gone. have seen burnt shine dark rings eyes healing well within blisters. am work hard removing some two then i'd again. think this very fine poem reprsent board ibpc. best 86207 re morning ryan hi ms. deb - looooooong time missed ya kindest- for your consideration ---------- sleep ing brings on bears telephones . the spaces before translate head itch or soft lob throb rob and profile in dim room wavers under curtain gap blinking through memory of dream claws -------------- space 86208 re morning debby florence thanks ryan much appreciated. although on second reading of my own post i realized a typo mysterious added dream at the end poem. its just supposed to read claws in last line not simply cut and pasted so have no idea how that got there hi ms. deb - looooooong time missed ya kindest- for your consideration ---------- sleep ing brings bears telephones . spaces before translate head itch or soft lob throb rob profile dim room wavers under curtain gap blinking through memory -------------- space 86209 re morning debby florence oh duh nevermind me... its just at the bottom of ryans not in my original ok thanks for tolerance i am still new to these boards is excuse since rarely get visit ryan much appreciated. although on second reading own post realized a typo mysterious added dream end poem. supposed read claws last line simply cut and pasted so have no idea how that got there 86211 re morning ryan i have to say...i'm not really sure what this poem is about but like you know all the time still fun read kindest- hope school's going ok 86217 technically welsh ... and very good david halitsky i don't know if you're aware that there are frequent poetry contests in wales which internal rhyme figures as importantly end-rhyme. nice job - a little sacrifice of meaning here but not so much to make it offensive. d ps dillon you can go ahead delete your two responses also the hanging thread below. i've asked ame ctg mine. 86218 re technically welsh ... and very good dillon thanks again david for your help . if you'd like i'd be more than open to you pointing out where feel i've sacrificed meaning. i'm always looking get my work as close perfect it can be. 86219 re technically welsh ... and very good david halitsky d - i'm not sure about 1 chill on her wrist here that his would persist 'til 2 rings glittering things if you can make out wings or the absence of hands. again see what other folks say they crit i may be overreacting. might think changing to remain then develops although know you're going for a sustained sibilance doesn't fit here. regards 86220 re technically welsh ... and very good dillon thanks david. i'll wait on more responses. though i can see that may have to re-think some things. was trying contrast the jewelery is absent rings glittering things with death's capitalized thus personified hand around her wrist. look into a better word than persist as it's not ideal however you're right remain would break up flow bit. i'm taking all this consideration again. 86221 ok - that conceit is good but somehow david halitsky i didn't get it. like said maybe others will and was just being a bad reader. or alternatively you can leave wrist...persist work to the contrast into clearer focus depending again on what think. d 86222 oh your going to hate me slosh it has possibilities at the moment is a third away from being red wheel barrow still clunks for start hard tie title poem unless you are willing give out hints and then i will loose interest thirty-third year memorial broken pump drove greased of this man s life. would in sputter tremble gasp whole tables shake when he held them wouldn t wont stop until stopped stops because everything his grip grasp shook now. can now see need round debate over -- yes have changed intent but hey that way things life --until 86223 make that you're nm slosh well it's easy done 86224 introduction to a home revision asher he wants invent where borders blur into surrounding prairie river anatomical maps. live in many places at once but preferably one place. is tunnelling through past that coded other organs which refuse speak. if they speak backwards and refuses arrange. the wagha border both sanity madness. emerges from simultaneous pasts intersecting creating homes never were. here this space it possible build another every morning unimagine locked now. when amritsar lahore were simply signs wrought iron gate parade seething tension underground marble floored room of an englishman. within body meaning flight bats blind blindfolded sighted human subjects fact able learn use echolocation detect objects their environment 1 . tongue map navigates by echolocation. history sensed nocturnal sounds re collections. there are shavings off lost sentences dispersed his father's was no arrive to. buffalo roam down sea. can melt mirages or finally open you have your documentation. has pakistani passport. will not let him cross. father on side. diagnosed with crohn's disease last year part cut while slept. map. as noted earlier although etiology obscure prevalent amongst asian jewish second generation immigrants thought certain antigens may activate immune cells intestinal wall. result thinning bowel wall 2 identification story began disassociation ended incision. water still flows country might say. how do tone deaf move gates poetry fiction fluid. shape whisper circling itself language estranged disuse. attempt tell provide leverage maimed sail somewhere atlantic about become space. could escape telling enter islamic city mother's imagination she showed her chocolate clair napier road crow swooped took dressed like britisher children plashing playing puddles goat walking slaughter before august rain shepard soaked right skin wipes glistening drops mane. now retreat detours maze alleys peshawar. partition mother new delhi gratefully forgotten born india. door remains hinge. -leave we're coming back. take knife. divide must indus testify. rattling sugar cane day world requires organ speech. intestine sloughed off. speaking. 86225 the saxophone man jude goodwin i keep thinking about a with son and gun he could play danny boy on that horn so sweet it would make my father cry shot an eagle out of sky dropped to our flat inlet waters like dark coat snagged oar hacked at its feet while eagle's mate screeched fell upon their boat hid under lifejackets in prow. later beach we kids raced after each other monster birds fresh crabs sang from boiling pot fire all time maybe man's had secret. swirling yolk him nested day when point - rec room by bar shoot himself dropping green felt his father's pool table coat. 86226 re morning jude goodwin ---------- sleeping brings on bears telephones. the spaces before translate head itch or soft lob throb rob and profile in dim room wavers under curtain gap blinking through memory of dream claws hi debbie i would definitely remove 'of' final line - allows reader to think that is instead being claws. cool image. enjoyed 'soft ' sounds . kinda lost meaning beginning not sure why bring there a full stop after still poem stuck my for while perhaps respectfully 86227 re walt whitman's butterfly jude goodwin loved this chris. have no idea what you are referring to even with the pic but just love poem and your skill words a magic box clutch of tricks tromp l'oeil. good gray poet hoodwinked very nice ending is suberb. best last line i've read in long time i think 86228 re to my mad wife jude goodwin i have enjoyed this for a few days now. like it. some parts might seem well plain but that is part of poems charm. love the lifting with spatula. forgiving dish and floor. starting so many presentations 'though' works really well. only nit it's bit one title. poem can't be titled anyone when it all in 3rd person can maybe just remove 'to' call - or something else altogether 'to wife' under nicely done 86229 re the saxophone man annmarie eldon only nits are i keep thinking about a with son and gun he could play danny boy on that horn so sweet it would make my father cry shot an eagle out of sky dropped to our flat inlet waters like dark coat snagged oar hacked at its feet while eagle's mate screeched fell upon their boat hid under lifejackets in prow. later beach we kids raced after each other monster birds fresh crabs sang from boiling pot fire all time maybe man's had secret. swirling yolk him nested day when point - rec room by bar shoot himself dropping green felt his father's pool table coat. you need one 'like' choose. 86230 re introduction to a home revision annmarie eldon only one suggestion how enter that world this requires another organ of speech. p art his intestine was sloughed off. it is part which speaking. exquisite and you are constantly defining the genre 86231 re a portion of the main annmarie eldon i read this through many times. my suggestions if one child is left hungry village derelict lilies are scorched garden flawed. better to mind mite begin in late afternoon than abandon learning task great small great. we breathe sky turn soil receive grit from living spirit. there gifts w ho will choose ones keep give away gifts. have see only what suggestion looks like. tried get it look like it's being dug over - lumpy earth garden. but that doesn't work there's lots you can try. an overall effect on page important for these 'big' generalities which need grounding literally. who or 86232 onebytrash david halitsky hell with boards . some will do. can't see it where i live - nail it. close enough for government work. the voice of carpenter unheard in land. 86233 re cremating the letters sachi hi anne-marie 'like's attract perhaps unwanted attention to devices don't they i agree. sometimes as you suggest its hard get rid of them all..but a try is certainly worth. will try. always pleasure when read..thanks for your comments and crit. regards remember this. my first instinct that it really beautiful because so good i'm going ask look again at all 'like s' if bracket am work removing some not but one or two most - then i'd like see again. think this very fine poem could well reprsent board ibpc. best annmarie 86234 re the saxophone man sachi dear jude i think shift in subject makes poem weak..the drama is forced on music...i narrator must keep right upfront as an anchor and then move about..to music life around his music...some suggest below thinking about t he man. a with son gun could play danny boy that horn so sweet it would make my father cry. shot eagle out of sky dropped to our flat inlet waters like dark coat . snagged oar hacked at its feet while eagle's mate screeched fell upon their boat. hid under lifejackets prow. later beach we kids raced after each other monster birds fresh crabs sang from boiling pot fire all time maybe played am inclined stop here....but if ir-resitible... had secret. swirling yolk him nested day when point - rec room by bar shoot himself dropping green felt father's pool table horn... ...or something similar.... merely opinion...hope helps. best regards 86235 re introduction to a home revision sachi dear asher this is ofcourse brilliant and as anne marie said..defines perhaps even tests the genre. i think piece about anatomical maps--incisions-- title worth re-think. using wrought-iron gate trope great idea suggest you sharpen that. hold on it more tightly..it does surface then re-surface but may want graft right there let narrator sway--to amritsar lahore--- liked 'if they speak backwards he refuses arrange. ' politically -- disagree with allusion 'in marble floored room of an englishman' that panders notion british adminsitration schemed partition--i not. good read indeed...cheers wants invent where borders blur into surrounding prairie river maps. live in many places at once preferably one place. tunnelling through past coded other organs which refuse speak. if wagha border both sanity madness. emerges from simultaneous pasts intersecting creating homes never were. here space possible build another every morning unimagine locked now. when lahore were simply signs wrought iron parade seething tension underground englishman. within body meaning flight bats blind blindfolded sighted human subjects fact able learn use echolocation detect objects their environment 1 . tongue map navigates by echolocation. history sensed nocturnal sounds collections. are shavings off lost sentences dispersed his father's was no arrive to. buffalo roam down sea. can melt mirages or finally open have your documentation. has pakistani passport. will not him cross. father side. diagnosed crohn's disease last year part cut while slept. map. noted earlier although etiology obscure prevalent amongst asian jewish second generation immigrants thought certain antigens activate immune cells intestinal wall. result thinning bowel wall 2 identification story began disassociation ended incision. water still flows country might say. how do tone deaf move gates poetry fiction fluid. shape whisper circling itself language estranged disuse. attempt tell provide leverage maimed sail somewhere atlantic become space. could escape telling enter islamic city mother's imagination she showed her chocolate clair napier road crow swooped took dressed like britisher children plashing playing puddles goat walking slaughter before august rain shepard soaked skin wipes glistening drops mane. now retreat detours maze alleys peshawar. partition mother new delhi gratefully forgotten born india. door remains hinge. -leave we're coming back. take knife. divide must indus testify. rattling sugar cane day world requires organ speech. intestine sloughed off. speaking. 86236 re the saxophone man jude only nits are you need one 'like' - choose. annmarie thank am you're right and i like it better ending without 86237 re the saxophone man jude hello sachi thanks for your crit. it's amazing what someone else's read can reveal about one's own poem this is a perfect example - way i had ordered 'a with son and gun' made it seem that was person gun but until crit hadn't realized at all. who shot eagle little boy stuffed under lifejackets. whew gonna have to rework seriously love workshops 86238 re walt whitman's butterfly michael mv st. francis of america or us as title then in the text . a regular dr. dolittle claimed he could charm not only words but all critters good gray poet is too familiar epithet although i see choice here. might consider bard interesting anecdote. esp like last line. i'm also hearing there we open and close our shutters. spell check trompe l'oeil 86239 being done whippp-oo- rill if i have once forgotten on this field the long light of dusk or far away sheep tawny grass how stones yield to water rush crickets sing stay awhile my tunes emptiness and dearth. let me remember hold them now-- not in wide measure is harvest culled by disaster nor cutting hail loss seen for grief somewise dulls done. mine a different scale-- leave september stars little smoke memory tight as lichen an oak. w o r 86240 re cremating the letters asher sachi-- this is absolutely lovely. i hardly have a nit. my only hope that poem gets published. one concern what annemarie already brought up. if you could get rewrite or two of similes think it would close to being done. like encounter in journal. touching and original without falling near sentimentality. may just be able rid stophe losing much. colon grant equivalence aim for. superb balled fist broad headed winged cicadas - also her word perhaps borrowed because don t em here. big fire still raging promised die. thanks for posting really. there some cadance here reminded me something really good . ps. do ipbc will surely nominate but i'd send out. dear happiness religion trust parents tomorrow were words most repeated. rounded ballpoint-edged blue sky wedged between clouds. other too incense-touched march-twig bird-feet bent-finger couldn tell they own well-meaningly borrowed. kept cookie tin hoped at least where she wrote love seven hundred times before finally coming terms with death written once defy laws loss. through filtered light see dust dry skin settling. those vital signs heart hadn stopped from habit. climbed chest dragged floor. stripped them their cold slit-throat covers. raked heap- lit fire. blazing luminous yellow sometimes red on fringes black dead center not soot perforated memory. was how why can even after firemen are gone. seen burnt shine dark rings eyes healing well within blisters. posted months ago. revision. hannah craig m eldon among others generous help one. 86241 re cremating the letters asher sachi if you get a chance please tell me what you're reading these days. as i said there is wonderful cadence in here that makes want to read this over and over...something from another poem. kind of poetry care. sachi-- absolutely lovely. hardly have nit. my only hope poem gets published. one concern annemarie already brought up. could rewrite or two similes think it would close being done. like encounter journal. touching original without falling near sentimentality. may just be able rid stophe losing much. colon grant equivalence aim for. superb balled fist broad headed winged cicadas - also her word perhaps borrowed because don t em here. big fire still raging promised die. thanks for posting really. some cadance reminded something really good . ps. do ipbc will surely nominate but i'd send out. dear happiness religion 86242 re cremating the letters asher sachi-- i'm back...a few notes below. dear happiness religion trust parents tomorrow - were words most repeated. rounded ballpoint-edged and blue like a sky wedged between clouds. --you have this amazing cadence going on here. i wonder if poem may start of clouds switches immediacy to act writing rather than words. it also accentuates rhythms not sure you too many broad ideas was wondering throw in an sensual bit letter that would relate for instance idea so instead just saying reader has image another texture by which interpret letter. perhaps. ideas. there other incense-touched march-twig bird-feet bent-finger but couldn t tell they her own or well-meaningly borrowed. kept cookie tin hoped at least one where she wrote love seven hundred times before finally coming terms with death written only once will defy laws loss. through filtered light could see dust dry skin settling. those vital signs my heart hadn stopped from habit. climbed chest dragged floor. stripped them their cold slit-throat covers. raked em heap- lit fire. fire blazing luminous yellow sometimes red fringes black dead center soot perforated memory. big balled fist headed winged cicadas word perhaps borrowed because don get still raging promised die. how why can even after firemen are gone. seen burnt shine dark rings. eyes healing well within blisters. --i consider ending no need simile. is working. more line. simile much defeaying shining expand that. best posted months ago. revision. thanks hannah craig m eldon among others generous help one. 86243 re onebytrash ryan i had an issue with the final strophe - 3 so close together and no articles in any other strophe. would reco changing one to a but it seems like this is pretty specific reference possibly jesus maybe you can't. tone seemed awfully juvenile doesn't seem up time effort put some of your writes. kindest- hell boards . will do. can't see where live nail it. enough for government work. voice carpenter unheard land. 86244 re cremating the letters sachi dear asher i love your suggests and would work on them. what particularly like is you have to say about making an abstraction 'trust' more palpable--that's a great help indeed am grateful. it will ofcourse be honour nominated for ibpc because there are so many good poets this board including yourself much poetry gets posted every day. since asked--i reading f g lorca's poet in new york. strangely enough strange of context question was asked. even as try interpret myself felt ny when lived spell bound incapable at same time--if that possible --of completing commentary supposed write. think its worth read just his plays. way looking material world. whats fascinating york took almost 50 years rest world discover book afer originally published spanish 1940--amazing thanks crit. sachi-- i'm back...a few notes below. happiness religion trust parents tomorrow - were words most repeated. rounded ballpoint-edged blue sky wedged between clouds. --you amazing cadence going here. wonder if poem may start clouds switches immediacy act writing rather than words. also accentuates rhythms not sure too broad ideas wondering throw sensual bit letter relate instance idea instead saying reader has image another texture by which letter. perhaps. ideas. --i consider ending those dark rings. no need simile. working. one line. simile defeaying shining through expand that. best 86245 rev as per ryan and isobel qed david halitsky r - thanks for catching them the's . although you're correct about the ref it doesn't change anything important to make a carpenter j was one of many no so here's revision which excludes gov strophe suggested by onebytrash hell with boards some will do. can't see where i live nail it. voice unheard in land. far tone you are correctly petulant quality piece but don't think it's juvenile. if have moment might be interested thread on at poetrypages short haiku section gave an explanation debbie her request. know ever go there ...probably not imagine. d 86246 say hallelujah - well-done david halitsky w o r hope i'm not a minority of one here well-done. without the professionally-done lyricism take on sonnet form would be pointless. to do something else with well-known you've gotta able it well its own terms. you have here. maybe just sucked in by pretty words and i am sucker for those but think this is knock-out. it's like mixture rilke's herr es zeit pan section wind willows which very underrated as an adult read. i'll shut up now. d 86247 you only live once waiting for sylvia sydney rev alex stolis i watch as your finger trails a comet across the sky accuse me of lies but never ones ve told. voice stops in midair where tail lights and flickers into moon. love smell spring damp soil against knee. relish way leaves on maple wave like semaphore. untruths that we whisper become part our folklore-- winter buried under coat varnish hardwood. remind are not permanent borrowed from same seeds. m unsure constellation stains southern hemisphere uncertain how to dismantle this framework or decipher past. pinch cloud between fingers take my last cigarette light it after long drag snuff out dirt. 86248 please begin migration to the new block editors attn all blockers after much trial we have a board set up for you. it is safer more professional and better able serve you certainly an improvement over old block. address here http the-writers-block.net register when arrive. if don't cannot post. 86249 re introduction to a home revision asher amarie and s-- thanks for commenting... he wants invent where borders blur into surrounding prairie river anatomical maps. live in many places at once but preferably one place. is tunnelling through past that coded other organs which refuse speak. if they speak backwards refuses arrange. the wagha border both sanity madness. emerges from simultaneous pasts intersecting creating homes never were. here this space it possible build another every morning unimagine locked now. when amritsar lahore were simply signs wrought iron gate parade seething tension underground marble floored room of an englishman. within body meaning flight bats blind blindfolded sighted human subjects fact able learn use echolocation detect objects their environment 1 . tongue map navigates by echolocation. history sensed nocturnal sounds collections. there are shavings off lost sentences dispersed his father's was no arrive to. buffalo roam down sea. can melt mirages or finally open you have your documentation. has pakistani passport. will not let him cross. father on side. diagnosed with crohn's disease last year part cut while slept. map. as noted earlier although etiology obscure prevalent amongst asian jewish second generation immigrants thought certain antigens may activate immune cells intestinal wall. result thinning bowel wall 2 identification story began disassociation ended incision. water still flows country might say. how do tone deaf move gates poetry fiction fluid. shape whisper circling itself language estranged disuse. attempt tell provide leverage maimed sail somewhere atlantic about become space. could escape telling enter islamic city mother's imagination she showed her chocolate clair napier road crow swooped took dressed like britisher children plashing playing puddles goat walking slaughter before august rain shepard soaked right skin wipes glistening drops mane. now retreat detours maze alleys peshawar. partition mother new delhi gratefully forgotten born india. door remains hinge. -leave we're coming back. take knife. divide must indus testify. rattling sugar cane day world requires organ speech. intestine sloughed off. speaking. 86250 re morning debby the bears and telephones are things that often appear in my dreams. so its like i fall asleep there they are. perhaps should change title to make clearer. . ..thinking.... thanks for feedback appreciate it ---------- sleeping brings on telephones. spaces before translate head itch or soft lob throb rob profile dim room wavers under curtain gap blinking through memory of dream claws hi debbie would definitely remove 'of' final line - allows reader think is instead being claws. cool image. enjoyed 'soft ' sounds kinda lost meaning beginning not sure why bring a full stop after still poem stuck while respectfully jude 86251 re the saxophone man geoff re.the for jude. this is too loose jointed. it could go anywhere and include or exclude anything. that not sort of game one chooses to play. amazing things happen here most gray flat uninteresting citizens. these are kept so schematic pleasure eludes us. ending apparently introduces son sm simply dispatch him without cause. use has surprisingly few musical vibrations. though danny boy better than nothing surely. best i keep thinking about a with gun he play on horn sweet would make my father cry shot an eagle out sky dropped our inlet waters like dark coat snagged oar hacked at its feet while eagle's mate screeched fell upon their boat hid under lifejackets in prow. later beach we kids raced after each other monster birds fresh crabs sang from boiling pot fire all time maybe man's had secret. swirling yolk nested day when point - rec room by bar shoot himself dropping green felt his father's pool table coat. 86256 thank you. the editors 86257 cruel country john dennett a million mailboxes stand at attention lawns stare out into space each house has it's own bed no revolutions tonite alone tender feelings sleeps one knocks on her lonely door. ten p.m. do you know where children are says memo who don't remember your surely do... 86258 today john dennett today's a mind that motors on does not jump or skip but winds up to tension can eat my cold sore lips.... if you see mr still go slowly by may with words days past death make light. do joust me please for i am coffin and spare sport. 86259 malcolm x romus simpson by he lived we are certain of that his daughter s face says so the way she chews and watches exits thunder on chicago south side pell-mell crowds aghast in new politics harlem 5 30 pm capitol our cultural discontent every brotha prison battling aching drone addiction yet this is a poem about life audacious purple flowering between cement reaching for god conquering city with beauty social agency mirrors hourly wages high blood pressure sugar evictions was an efficient intellectual acrobat dangerous arena one thought ahead knives blurred figure exiting photograph boston michigan omaha left scent smells prohibited harvests made racist machines stop incense stood against lore america while laughing death hunted him mosques streets slow angry august birthing assassins empty morning trumpet horn alive febuary audobon ballroom its chairs curiously straight betty girls york brown steel crisp air clear horizon north tolerant or building's interruptions men singing women moving along dusk til peeled their skin cobalt blue poison stirs hot memory far removed from world language all as conspirators took jacket greeted lying eyes never recognized end things afternoon weary tattered red body flag faceless pushing speech past ice black man citizen slavery coming full circle to praises due allah only mistakes mine 86261 re being done comesquat yes more if i have once forgotten on this field the long light of dusk or far away sheep tawny grass how stones yield to water rush crickets sing stay awhile my tunes emptiness and dearth. let me remember hold them now-- not in wide measure is harvest culled by disaster nor cutting hail loss seen for grief somewise dulls done. mine a different scale-- leave september stars little smoke memory tight as lichen an oak. w o r 86263 http mo.1e1e.com x url gd site 1.htm 2.htm 3.htm 4.htm 5.htm 6.htm 7.htm 8.htm 9.htm 10.htm 11.htm 12.htm 13.htm 14.htm av 15.htm 16.htm a 17.htm 18.htm 19.htm 6 20.htm 21.htm 22.htm 23.htm 24.htm 25.htm 26.htm 27.htm bt 28.htm 21 29.htm 30.htm 31.htm 32.htm 18 33.htm 34.htm 35.htm 36.htm b 37.htm 38.htm 39.htm pp 40.htm 41.htm 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