GIVEN THAT HE HAS BEEN IN POWER 27 years, one would expect that Robert Mugabe, Zimbabwe's president for life, would have some insights into his country's woes and his recent spring independence day speech proved this is, indeed, the case. The problem, as Mugabe sees it, is that the country is surrounded by enemies.

For Mugabe, the most critical issue at the moment is not the fact that four-fifths of the citizens in his country live below the African poverty line, that a fifth are infected with HIV, or that nearly everyone wants to get out. It's not even that a girl born today has a life expectancy of only 34 years, one of the lowest on the planet.

No, it is threat of the wholly imagined, imminent invasion of the central African country by the U.K. that keeps Mugabe pacing the presidential palace at night.

"We celebrate not only our 27th year of sovereignty and self-determination but also our success, our collective success, in repulsing the unending attempts by our erstwhile colonisers and other detractors to disturb our peace, stability and tranquillity. Congratulations Zimbabwe, Congratulations Comrades and Friends, on our refusal to be re-colonised!" Mugabe said.

However, having secured the country's unthreatened borders, Mugabe turns to other foes such as the political opposition which has been insistent in demanding a more democratic nation. But Mugabe made it clear that he sees through their little charade and knows full well that letting people make their own decisions and voice their own opinions leads to only one thing: chaos.

Thankfully, the government newspaper The Herald printed the great leader's speech in full so now we all know what the president is up against and what he's up to.

However, having secured the country's unthreatened borders, Mugabe turns to other foes such as the political opposition which has been insistent in demanding a more democratic nation. But Mugabe made it clear that he sees through their little charade and knows full well that letting people make their own decisions and voice their own opinions leads to only one thing: chaos.

"This conspiracy has attempted to transform into a militant criminal strain, characterized by the puerile attempts of misguided opposition elements to create a state of anarchy through an orgy of violence," Mugabe thundered. Whenever a man such as Mugabe uses phrases such as "an orgy of violence," it's time to sit up and take notice, especially when they come hard on the heels of his decision to use his thugs to beat several opposition leaders to a pulp last month.

But the list of enemies bedeviling Mugabe is endless. When it comes to the crippling inflation rate, well that's the fault of "the unbridled greed among some of our business persons and by the strategy of our saboteurs." Ah yes, the ever energetic Tony Blair again, this time sneaking into the country at night and pasting new price tags on the loaves of bread. But if Blair is marking up the prices, then he, Mugabe, will mark them down. Or more precisely, Mugabe will determine the "appropriate pricing of goods and services using well-tested scientific pricing models." Well, that will certainly take care of that, and none too soon, one might point out, since the country's central bank simply refused to release the latest inflation figures this week.

In a moment of lucidity in his speech, Mugabe did concede there might other explanations for inflation such as a critical shortage of food, but since he has many dragons to slay, he didn't dwell on the point over long.

Of course, in Mugabe's world, Blair, political opponents, and businessmen are just the usual suspects, and this is a man with flair. Casting about for others to blame, Mugabe finds a new convenient scapegoat: the people of Zimbabwe themselves. The government, like nearly all African nations, would like to boost tourism. Sadly, there is a hitch which is that Zimbabweans, understandably, seem to be eating the wildlife and plants. Naturally, Mugabe has a cure for this, and it comes from the government. "Political and civic leaders are also urged to educate our people on the need to preserve our flora and fauna for posterity," he said.

Mugabe didn't mention that he has ordered all the operating licenses for foreign food aid programs yanked on the grounds they were meddling in politics and threatening the stability of the nation because, presumably, there is only so much good news people can take in one sitting.

And what good news there was appears to be lost on the ungrateful people of Zimbabwe in general, Mugabe notes, but most particularly on the intelligent, the gifted, and the energetic.

"The worrisome issue of the brain drain in technical skills to neighboring countries and abroad is fast turning the country into a training ground for other countries with little or no benefit accruing to the nation," Mugabe reported. Given that Mugabe has vowed never to give up power, Zimbabweans can at least draw solace from the fact his brain will remain on the job for the foreseeable future.

But above all, Mugabe is a realist and readily concedes what any sentient being knows: things are catastrophic and getting worse by the minute. But, of course, that is only to be expected given that God himself is one of those saboteurs bent on making life rough for Mugabe and his country.

"2006 was, however, a bad year for our environmental conservation, as veldt fires destroyed vast tracts of plantations as well as natural forests and grasslands," Mugabe lamented. Ah, yes, but at least it wasn't your fault.

No word yet on whether Mugabe plans to send his goons to heaven to give God the thrashing he so clearly deserves, but it is likely only a matter of time.

The president goes on to stoutly state he did, in fact, have plans in place to make everyone rich again last year, but "regrettably, this thrust has once again suffered some setbacks following the drought that affected the Southern African region." No word yet on whether Mugabe plans to send his goons to heaven to give God the thrashing he so clearly deserves, but it is likely only a matter of time.

Given the line up of terrestrial and celestial foes Mugabe is wrestling with, you'd think he would at least have the courtesy to mention the U.S., but apparently the Bush administration doesn't worry him much. Then again, the Bush administration has never done anything that would cause concern in Harare other than emit odd tut-tutting noises and Wednesday was no exception.

"We remain hopeful that one day soon, they (Zimbabwe) will join the growing family of democracies around the world," said Deputy White House Spokeswoman Dana Perino. One can only hope that when Zimbabwe does join the family of democracies, at the very least it gets invited to dinner which might help with the desperate food shortages there.

But it is the rare man on earth who doesn't have at least some friends and here Mugabe is no exception.

"I wish to express Zimbabwe's gratitude to those countries in the international community and especially to SADC for remaining unwavering and understanding in their support and solidarity with Zimbabwe," Mugabe said.

Given South Africa's lead role in SADC, you'd think South African President Thabo Mbeki might be embarrassed by Mugabe's heartfelt, effusive praise. But when it comes to Zimbabwe, apparently there is nothing that can embarrass Mbeki any longer.